The Bitter to Better Podcast

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Dating is romantic interviewing...and you should do more of it.

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Ep. 9: Why You Need To Put A Label On It https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/eDBxshYuyAb

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[00:00:01] Unknown:

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Just   want you to know that dating is romantic interviewing.   What do I mean by this? I mean that dating is the process you use in order to vet people   for   a role as romantic partner in your life. Just as HR   would interview people in order to vet them for a job position.   It is very, very important that you understand that dating is so necessary, like, actually dating. So what I mean is, like,   meeting someone, meeting multiple someones,   going out on dates with them, talking to them, asking them questions, answering questions,   noticing   your chemistry or lack thereof with them, noticing their behavior towards other people and towards you, noticing,   what you find interesting or not interesting about them, what you do and don't like about them,   all these things.  

Because   well, I don't know why I just froze. I lost my train of thought. I don't know why what I was saying because about.   Ultimately, what I'm saying is oh, because dating is a very important part of the process because this is what allows you to really get as much of a feel as possible as to whether somebody would actually be a good person for you to commit to.   We do too much of falling into and sliding into relationships.   And   this is fair. It makes a lot of sense earlier on your dating process, let's say, your 20 your twenties or so.   Because quite frankly, you just need to go out there and experience,   people and dating and relationships in order to learn what you do and don't like, what you do and don't want, what you can and can't tolerate, what you should and shouldn't tolerate.  

And then from there, you should be gathering and collecting this information in order to make informed decisions moving forward. If you find something you don't like, you ask yourself, okay. What's what's the opposite of that or different from that? Or what do I like? What do I want? What do I need? And how do I make different choices in order to increase the likelihood that I get what I'm looking for.   And you have your experiences, and you course correct from there. You also identify the things about that experience that you appreciate and that you want and that you like and that you wanna bring into your future. So meaning, like, any past relationship or past   romantic partner.  

And then you go out and meet people and vet them.   What you don't wanna do or what you don't want to keep doing over and over again, which too many of us do and have done,   is to find someone,   hone in on just them pretty immediately,   spend all your time with them, and acknowledge that, like, oh, I find them attractive, and we have a good time together, and they're really nice to me. And then what happens is you just   fall into a committed situation because you you've only you're only dating them early on, and you're spending all this time with them, and it's feeling good. And so then, naturally,   parts of our lives start to converge. You know, that's the person who you're doing all your social things with. Maybe that's the person who you go to a party with or they go or you go with them or go to a wedding or go to this event or they meet your friends, you meet their and it all kind of naturally   or or how do I say it? It all   it all kind of naturally starts to happen because   you are focusing all of your time and energy on this person.  

And yet,   depending on how quickly it happens or   the lack of vetting that is being done, you can find yourself   committed to them in various ways   without having really gotten a sense for   the idea of whether the two of you work more long term. So, again, I'm speaking to be clear, I'm speaking from the perspective of someone who's out there seeking a long term committed relationship. So in theory, you know, a life partner. Right? So what I'm saying here is   someone being a good time to spend time with and date is not the same as someone   who it is a good idea for you to build a life with. Building a life in the general sense being, you know, living together, maybe having kids together,   joining finances,   making future plans that impact each person,   all of those sort of things,   maybe introducing them to your children, stuff like that. So   thinking about the fact that,   you want to vet this person as much as you can   before saying, okay. We're committed in trying to do life together. So to clarify, you know, I've talked about the relationship categories. So what I'm suggesting you do is casually date multiple people.  

Then of those people, narrow it down to someone who you want to exclusively date, which means just the two of you go out and do things and get to know each other, and you're just zoned in and focused on getting to know one another. But this is still a step before a committed relationship or a committed partnership in which a committed partnership or relationship, you're saying, hey. We're gonna really try to do this thing called life together. Now that can look like different things. Some people might be, you know, moving in together. Some people might have plans for, marriage, etcetera, etcetera. But the idea is like, okay. Yeah. We're actually gonna, like, really think about   one another as part of so I'm gonna think about you as part of my future when I'm making decisions and things like that. That is at the committed relationship stage. And so a lot of times, what will happen is we will   slide into that committed relationship stage before really sussing out how this person is   around our family members   or how, you know, they are maybe even around our kids or   how they respond to adversity in their life or things like that. And I wanna be clear. I'm not saying that during the dating process, you will experience everything with someone in order to see how they react or how they respond. I'm not suggesting that at all. There is no,   100%   guarantee here around being able to figure out everything you need to know about a person before you're committed. But there are absolutely steps we can take   in order   to really   interview our candidates properly. Again, thinking about HR interviewing for a job for a job position, they don't just somebody walks in and says, hey. I'm great for this job. HR isn't like, okay. Great. Fine. That's fine. Go ahead. No. They're like, alright. Great. And we're gonna interview this person and this person. And then, also,   say they interview you and you pass the first interview, oftentimes, there's a second interview, maybe even a third or so.  

They're checking references. They're doing these sort of things. Checking references actually, this is something that I've just kind of thought about just now that I've never considered. But, like, the equivalent of HR check checking references for a job position would be kind of like you seeing this person around their friends or family in order to check references. I mean, you may actually literally have conversations with some of their friends or family members, and they may actually say to you their thoughts about the person. Maybe, maybe not. But you even getting to see how they interact with these people,   is, like, checking their references in a lot of ways. Do people tend   to like them and think they're, you know, a cool kind of person and stuff like that? So this is just my   quick, brief announcement   that it is very important   to date and to think of dating as romantic   interviewing.  

If HR would not just randomly pick a person   for a job position,   why would you do that for your own life?  

[00:07:19] Unknown:

Hey. By the way, I can be found in other places besides this podcast.   Just search my name on YouTube and you'll find my channel. Subscribe for periodic how to videos for dealing with breakups and mastering dating. That's right. I said mastering dating. It's a skill, ladies.   I can also be found on Instagram at tracy panach.   And lastly,   I most encourage you to join my email list where you get breakup and dating support delivered to your inbox in addition to getting the most exclusive access to my programs and coaching services.   My email list subscribers are the first to know when my coaching programs launch and the only people to get discounts when they're offered.  

As always, I'm glad we got into it and looking forward to next time.