In this episode I help you answer and ask the question "what are you looking for?" when dating.
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[00:00:06]
Unknown:
Hey, I'm Tracy Pinnock and welcome to the Bitter to Better podcast, where I talk all things love and life that help women live better after breakups. I'm glad you're here and let's get into it.
[00:00:26] Unknown:
Hey there. Hey there. So today, I want to talk about something that makes a lot of people nervous when dating, and that is the what are you looking for question. I talk to a lot of women who get intimidated or a little anxious when that question is asked of them, particularly early on in the dating process or on the first date. And I really try to help women not feel that way and understand why it's actually a very good thing to ask this question early on and to be asked the question early on. I mean, I think the obvious reason would be because clarity on a situation is important.
This makes me think a bit of the relationship category episode that I did, which is also about it's about labeling your romantic relationships so there's clarity on expectations. One of the key things you want in the dating process is clarity, is openness, is honesty because this is how everyone involved can make the most informed decisions about what they want to do. When people are vague or they lie or when we make assumptions, this lays the foundation for disappointment, heartbreak, messiness, frustration, all of that. So clarity is key. I mean, oftentimes, we don't want to hear the answers to certain questions. So this is part of why we won't ask.
Also, we don't want to seem like we're being too intense. So we might avoid asking certain questions. But this particular question of what what you're looking for is an important one to ask and to be asked. First, before you can answer anyone's question about what you want or what you're looking for, you need to know what you want and what you're looking for. So what are your dating goals? Also, what is the profile of your ideal partner? That's another important question to answer for yourself at the beginning of your dating experience or your dating process.
In terms of that, there's an exercise that I like to do called the ideal partner list. And in a previous episode, I mentioned that, I can send you the video tutorial of how to create the ideal partner list if you just email me a screenshot of your rating and or review on whatever podcast platform you use, my email address is [email protected]. You can find it in the show notes. That's Tracy t r a c I e. Moving on, you want to identify your dating goals. Are you currently in the dating process because you want to meet new people? You want to expand your social circle, you want to casually date, you want to have casual flings, you want to have a committed, serious relationship, you know that you have a particular time frame around wanting to have children or get married, identifying this is very important because Yeah. Because not only can you then clearly answer someone's question about what you want, but you can also seek out people with the same goal. And you can more easily, quickly, accurately, efficiently vet out people who do not work for you because they don't have the same goals.
So take time to identify what it is you are looking for in this dating process so that you know and you can seek that out and so you can be ready for the question. So when should the question be asked? The answer is as soon as possible. I say within the first one to two dates. That's right. Because why do you want to waste your time dating someone for weeks or going on three, four plus dates only to find that your dating goals are not aligned. Now, of course, people can outright lie to you. You don't have control over that. But if you ask the question, you are setting up a scenario where you are less likely to go on too long dating someone whose goals are not aligned with yours. And if someone asks you the question early on, that also decreases the likelihood.
And I say decrease the likelihood because there are no guarantees here, and you can't make people be honest. And if the person you're dating hasn't done their work and doesn't have a clear understanding of what they want, they may unintentionally not be telling the truth. But the point is having open, honest, clear communication, mature communication is key. One of the worst things you can do and one of the most common things people do is assume. Assume that other people want the same things as them. That is a bad idea. So to just kind of date someone assuming that, hey. They're here on this date so they must want the same thing as me. That is not that's not good good business. Not at all. So being able to, in a first or second date, have this conversation is very helpful.
And the reality is dating is what I call romantic interviewing. You are literally interviewing people for the position of romantic partner in your life. So if we're on a date, we need to be having real conversations, especially early on when we are literally strangers. We are strangers. So we need some some basic information around one another's intentions, preferences, needs, desires, things like that. So it is to your benefit to early on ask someone what they're looking for in the dating process. And I'll, you know, give a sentence or two or a bit of a script regarding that.
But I am just trying to convince you if you're not convinced that this needs to happen early on.
[00:07:50] Unknown:
Do you like what you're hearing? Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Want to help the pod? If so, please know it's greatly appreciated, and I welcome you to support the Bitter to Better podcast however you can. Might I suggest a few options? First, please rate and review the show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or whatever platform you choose. Next, how about sending this podcast to one friend who you know could use it? This way, she can't say you've never given her anything. If you're really riding with me, talk about the show on social media and tag me. I'm at tracy panach on Instagram. And lastly, if you ever use any products or services I mentioned in the pod, can you tell them Tracy panach from the Bitter to Better podcast sent you?
Please and thank you.
[00:08:43] Unknown:
I recently had someone say, you know, they are afraid to ask this question early on because they don't want to come off too strong or seem too intense. And really, you want to ask yourself, you know, if you if the person you're dating feels that you're coming on too strong or are too intense when you ask this question, you know, is that someone who you want to date based on whatever your goal is? If your goal is something casual, then maybe the answer is yes. Like, that's not an issue if they think it's too too intense. But if your goal is something more serious and committed, then you don't wanna be wasting your time with someone who finds the who finds you being clear and direct an issue because that's it's an indication that they're not, you know, on the same path in terms of looking for what you're looking for.
Because you asking someone what they're looking for or them asking you what you're looking for is not the same as saying, I want to get married tomorrow. But I do think that a lot of people feel that that is what is being assumed of them if they ask that question, which again also kind of points at where that other person's, you know, you know, mindset is, I guess. If they think that you asking the question what you're looking for in the dating process is the equivalent of saying because, you know, I wanna get married tomorrow, then that's a them issue. And I wouldn't suggest making it a you issue by continuing to deal with them quite frankly.
If, of course, your your goal is a committed, relationship. Because regardless of age and, like, where somebody is in their dating process, they should be able to hear this question and not take it for anything more than what it is, which is a question to gain clarity and then be able to answer it honestly. So even if someone is just looking for, you know, hookups and friends with benefits and stuff like that, they shouldn't be turned off by the question because they need to be seeking other people who are interested in that. So hearing that question, you asking that question, so what are you looking for in the dating process right now? Which is generally the way I suggest to to ask. It's very, like, casual. It makes it clear that you are talking about the dating process.
So you're not saying what what, what are your your life goals? You know, what are your ten year goals? What are your plans for retirement? That's not what the question is. The question is, in this dating process, what what are you aiming for? What are you out here doing this for? But if you ask that question, what are you looking for in the dating process right now? They should be able to be like, you know, I'm really interested in keeping it casual. I'm not looking to for any commitment, or I am looking ultimately for commitment, but taking my time, or I'm looking for commitment and in a pretty short time frame because I know what I want and I have these goals, etcetera, etcetera, and anything in between.
So that is how someone should be able to answer it for any of the scenarios from something casual to something serious. So the question to ask is what are you looking for in the dating process at this time? And if you are asked this question, my go to response based on someone who's looking for a committed relationship ultimately, my go to response is I'm ultimately looking for a committed relationship, but currently casually dating different people in order to determine who I might want to date exclusively and to take it from there.
And I say to take it from there because, again, based on my relationship categories, exclusively dating is still not a committed relationship. It's it's right there, but it is not saying we are trying to do this thing called life together or move forward with the intention of doing life together. It is saying I want to solely focus on you in this dating process as opposed to a couple of other people and which is the casual dating process. So the answer is I'm looking for a committed relationship ultimately, but casually dating different people in order to determine who I might want to exclusively date. That lets the person know that you are dating other people, and it lets them know that you have intentions of something serious at some point, but that you are also not rushing it and you are taking your time to sort and sift and vet.
Alright. That was pretty short and sweet but the things to take from this are you should ask the question or answer the question early on in your dating process what are you looking for? So you can ask them what are you looking for in this dating process right now and you can answer something along the lines of I'm looking for a committed relationship ultimately but I'm currently casually dating different people in order to determine who I might want to exclusively date. Don't be intimidated by this question being asked. Honestly, I see it as a good sign when a guy asked this question early on. It shows that he's trying to get clarity, and this is to everyone's benefit.
[00:14:46] Unknown:
Hey. By the way, I can be found in other places besides this podcast. Just search my name on YouTube and you'll find my channel. Subscribe for periodic how to videos for dealing with breakups and mastering dating. That's right. I said mastering dating. It's a skill, ladies. I can also be found on Instagram at tracy panach. And lastly, I most encourage you to join my email list where you get breakup and dating support delivered to your inbox in addition to getting the most exclusive access to my programs and coaching services. My email list subscribers are the first to know when my coaching programs launch and the only people to get discounts when they're offered. As always, I'm glad we got into it and looking forward to next time.
Hey, I'm Tracy Pinnock and welcome to the Bitter to Better podcast, where I talk all things love and life that help women live better after breakups. I'm glad you're here and let's get into it.
[00:00:26] Unknown:
Hey there. Hey there. So today, I want to talk about something that makes a lot of people nervous when dating, and that is the what are you looking for question. I talk to a lot of women who get intimidated or a little anxious when that question is asked of them, particularly early on in the dating process or on the first date. And I really try to help women not feel that way and understand why it's actually a very good thing to ask this question early on and to be asked the question early on. I mean, I think the obvious reason would be because clarity on a situation is important.
This makes me think a bit of the relationship category episode that I did, which is also about it's about labeling your romantic relationships so there's clarity on expectations. One of the key things you want in the dating process is clarity, is openness, is honesty because this is how everyone involved can make the most informed decisions about what they want to do. When people are vague or they lie or when we make assumptions, this lays the foundation for disappointment, heartbreak, messiness, frustration, all of that. So clarity is key. I mean, oftentimes, we don't want to hear the answers to certain questions. So this is part of why we won't ask.
Also, we don't want to seem like we're being too intense. So we might avoid asking certain questions. But this particular question of what what you're looking for is an important one to ask and to be asked. First, before you can answer anyone's question about what you want or what you're looking for, you need to know what you want and what you're looking for. So what are your dating goals? Also, what is the profile of your ideal partner? That's another important question to answer for yourself at the beginning of your dating experience or your dating process.
In terms of that, there's an exercise that I like to do called the ideal partner list. And in a previous episode, I mentioned that, I can send you the video tutorial of how to create the ideal partner list if you just email me a screenshot of your rating and or review on whatever podcast platform you use, my email address is [email protected]. You can find it in the show notes. That's Tracy t r a c I e. Moving on, you want to identify your dating goals. Are you currently in the dating process because you want to meet new people? You want to expand your social circle, you want to casually date, you want to have casual flings, you want to have a committed, serious relationship, you know that you have a particular time frame around wanting to have children or get married, identifying this is very important because Yeah. Because not only can you then clearly answer someone's question about what you want, but you can also seek out people with the same goal. And you can more easily, quickly, accurately, efficiently vet out people who do not work for you because they don't have the same goals.
So take time to identify what it is you are looking for in this dating process so that you know and you can seek that out and so you can be ready for the question. So when should the question be asked? The answer is as soon as possible. I say within the first one to two dates. That's right. Because why do you want to waste your time dating someone for weeks or going on three, four plus dates only to find that your dating goals are not aligned. Now, of course, people can outright lie to you. You don't have control over that. But if you ask the question, you are setting up a scenario where you are less likely to go on too long dating someone whose goals are not aligned with yours. And if someone asks you the question early on, that also decreases the likelihood.
And I say decrease the likelihood because there are no guarantees here, and you can't make people be honest. And if the person you're dating hasn't done their work and doesn't have a clear understanding of what they want, they may unintentionally not be telling the truth. But the point is having open, honest, clear communication, mature communication is key. One of the worst things you can do and one of the most common things people do is assume. Assume that other people want the same things as them. That is a bad idea. So to just kind of date someone assuming that, hey. They're here on this date so they must want the same thing as me. That is not that's not good good business. Not at all. So being able to, in a first or second date, have this conversation is very helpful.
And the reality is dating is what I call romantic interviewing. You are literally interviewing people for the position of romantic partner in your life. So if we're on a date, we need to be having real conversations, especially early on when we are literally strangers. We are strangers. So we need some some basic information around one another's intentions, preferences, needs, desires, things like that. So it is to your benefit to early on ask someone what they're looking for in the dating process. And I'll, you know, give a sentence or two or a bit of a script regarding that.
But I am just trying to convince you if you're not convinced that this needs to happen early on.
[00:07:50] Unknown:
Do you like what you're hearing? Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Want to help the pod? If so, please know it's greatly appreciated, and I welcome you to support the Bitter to Better podcast however you can. Might I suggest a few options? First, please rate and review the show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or whatever platform you choose. Next, how about sending this podcast to one friend who you know could use it? This way, she can't say you've never given her anything. If you're really riding with me, talk about the show on social media and tag me. I'm at tracy panach on Instagram. And lastly, if you ever use any products or services I mentioned in the pod, can you tell them Tracy panach from the Bitter to Better podcast sent you?
Please and thank you.
[00:08:43] Unknown:
I recently had someone say, you know, they are afraid to ask this question early on because they don't want to come off too strong or seem too intense. And really, you want to ask yourself, you know, if you if the person you're dating feels that you're coming on too strong or are too intense when you ask this question, you know, is that someone who you want to date based on whatever your goal is? If your goal is something casual, then maybe the answer is yes. Like, that's not an issue if they think it's too too intense. But if your goal is something more serious and committed, then you don't wanna be wasting your time with someone who finds the who finds you being clear and direct an issue because that's it's an indication that they're not, you know, on the same path in terms of looking for what you're looking for.
Because you asking someone what they're looking for or them asking you what you're looking for is not the same as saying, I want to get married tomorrow. But I do think that a lot of people feel that that is what is being assumed of them if they ask that question, which again also kind of points at where that other person's, you know, you know, mindset is, I guess. If they think that you asking the question what you're looking for in the dating process is the equivalent of saying because, you know, I wanna get married tomorrow, then that's a them issue. And I wouldn't suggest making it a you issue by continuing to deal with them quite frankly.
If, of course, your your goal is a committed, relationship. Because regardless of age and, like, where somebody is in their dating process, they should be able to hear this question and not take it for anything more than what it is, which is a question to gain clarity and then be able to answer it honestly. So even if someone is just looking for, you know, hookups and friends with benefits and stuff like that, they shouldn't be turned off by the question because they need to be seeking other people who are interested in that. So hearing that question, you asking that question, so what are you looking for in the dating process right now? Which is generally the way I suggest to to ask. It's very, like, casual. It makes it clear that you are talking about the dating process.
So you're not saying what what, what are your your life goals? You know, what are your ten year goals? What are your plans for retirement? That's not what the question is. The question is, in this dating process, what what are you aiming for? What are you out here doing this for? But if you ask that question, what are you looking for in the dating process right now? They should be able to be like, you know, I'm really interested in keeping it casual. I'm not looking to for any commitment, or I am looking ultimately for commitment, but taking my time, or I'm looking for commitment and in a pretty short time frame because I know what I want and I have these goals, etcetera, etcetera, and anything in between.
So that is how someone should be able to answer it for any of the scenarios from something casual to something serious. So the question to ask is what are you looking for in the dating process at this time? And if you are asked this question, my go to response based on someone who's looking for a committed relationship ultimately, my go to response is I'm ultimately looking for a committed relationship, but currently casually dating different people in order to determine who I might want to date exclusively and to take it from there.
And I say to take it from there because, again, based on my relationship categories, exclusively dating is still not a committed relationship. It's it's right there, but it is not saying we are trying to do this thing called life together or move forward with the intention of doing life together. It is saying I want to solely focus on you in this dating process as opposed to a couple of other people and which is the casual dating process. So the answer is I'm looking for a committed relationship ultimately, but casually dating different people in order to determine who I might want to exclusively date. That lets the person know that you are dating other people, and it lets them know that you have intentions of something serious at some point, but that you are also not rushing it and you are taking your time to sort and sift and vet.
Alright. That was pretty short and sweet but the things to take from this are you should ask the question or answer the question early on in your dating process what are you looking for? So you can ask them what are you looking for in this dating process right now and you can answer something along the lines of I'm looking for a committed relationship ultimately but I'm currently casually dating different people in order to determine who I might want to exclusively date. Don't be intimidated by this question being asked. Honestly, I see it as a good sign when a guy asked this question early on. It shows that he's trying to get clarity, and this is to everyone's benefit.
[00:14:46] Unknown:
Hey. By the way, I can be found in other places besides this podcast. Just search my name on YouTube and you'll find my channel. Subscribe for periodic how to videos for dealing with breakups and mastering dating. That's right. I said mastering dating. It's a skill, ladies. I can also be found on Instagram at tracy panach. And lastly, I most encourage you to join my email list where you get breakup and dating support delivered to your inbox in addition to getting the most exclusive access to my programs and coaching services. My email list subscribers are the first to know when my coaching programs launch and the only people to get discounts when they're offered. As always, I'm glad we got into it and looking forward to next time.
Introduction to Bitter to Better Podcast
The Importance of Asking 'What Are You Looking For?' in Dating
Identifying Your Dating Goals
When to Ask the Important Questions
Dating as Romantic Interviewing
Overcoming the Fear of Being Too Intense
How to Respond to 'What Are You Looking For?'
