The Bitter to Better Podcast

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In this episode I explain how to use your good and not so good dating experiences to improve your dating and romantic partner standards.

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[00:00:06] Unknown:

Hey, I'm Tracy Pinnock and welcome to the Bitter to Better podcast,   where I talk all things love and life that help women live better after breakups.   I'm glad you're here, and let's get into it.  

[00:00:26] Unknown:

First off, excuse any background noise such as music that you might hear coming from the ice cream place across the street from my house. They party it up till 10PM. It's the hot spot,   particularly when the weather's getting nice. But mind you, there are people out there, I'm one of them, in the February because the ice cream is delicious.   Anyway,   I am   sipping some wine and decompressing at the end of my work day, a day full of therapy sessions.   And I had a session today that inspired   today's   podcast episode.   I want to talk about how good and bad dating can uplevel your standards. So let's get into it. I want to talk about how having   dating experiences   with different people can help you assess   current or past relationships.  

This is one of the reasons why casual dating is so helpful,   which means dating multiple people at one time. And by dating, I mean, again, casually. So going out to places, getting to know people, not carrying on full on relationships with multiple people unless that is something that you are actively wanting to do, be in nonmonogamous   relationships. That is a different thing. I'm talking about someone who does intend to be in a committed monogamous relationship,   but before doing that, they really do want to be able to vet multiple dating partners and make informed decisions about their romantic life, just like HR does when they are interviewing candidates for a job. And if they will do that for a job, you should definitely do that for your life. Anyway, gonna get off my soapbox about why you should casually date, AKA rotationally date, AKA date like a man. And I'm going to say that   when you have experiences,   good or bad,   with different dating partners, it really does help you look at your standards, your expectations,   and your needs of a romantic partner.  

So in this case, I was talking to someone who   is noticing in their new dating partner   qualities   that they really appreciate, and it's helping them recognize   not only that they are not present   in   a previous relationship or another relationship, but also how much this person   values   these qualities.   So   this is very   helpful in helping you create   or update your ideal partner list, which is something that I talk about often.   And in previous episodes,   I think I mentioned possibly doing   a podcast episode on how to create an ideal partner list, but I've actually decided   I don't I I really don't enjoy   I I wouldn't enjoy doing a podcast episode   in which I   verbally explain this process   especially since I have a video tutorial   that exists   that you can   that you can use to create this, list. And so instead what I've decided to do is   I will offer this video tutorial   for free to those who are interested   if you email me a screenshot   of your review on whatever podcast   platform you use to listen to this podcast.  

So rate and review me   and take a screenshot and email it to [email protected].   That's t r a c I e at, t as in Tom, p as in Peter, h as in Henry,   therapy   dot com. And I will then send you the link to that video tutorial so that you can see how to create your ideal partner list.   Do you like what you're hearing? Are you picking up what I'm putting down?   Want to help the pod?   If so, please know it's greatly appreciated, and I welcome you to support the Bitter to Better podcast however you can.   Might I suggest a few options?   First, please rate and review the show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or whatever platform you choose.  

Next, how about sending this podcast to one friend who you know could use it? This way, she can't say you've never given her anything.   If you're really riding with me, talk about the show on social media and tag me. I'm at tracy panach on Instagram.   And lastly, if you ever use any products or services I mention in the pod, can you tell them Tracey Panach from the Bitter to Better podcast sent you?   Please and thank you.   So in noticing   that   a current or new dating partner   is bringing things   to the table, the relationship,   the interactions   that you would like to have brought there,   you can start to notice, oh,   yeah. Actually,   this is important to me. Let me add this to my ideal partner list. I hadn't thought about this before, or I hadn't thought I had a preference in this area, or I hadn't realized how much this is important to me, but now I do since I'm getting it in this person.  

But also on the other side, having   crappy dating experiences can help you in this area. You can identify   what you don't like and don't want, and I always say think of what the opposite of that is and add that to your ideal partner list. You want this list to get longer and longer because it is showing that you are getting more clear and specific about the ideal partner for you.   And then   you use this list   to assess your dating partners to determine if they're checking off enough things on the list and enough important things on the list. And again, when you watch the video, I go into your preferences versus your deal breakers and how to assess your dating partners or your current relationship partner and all of that stuff. So definitely   follow instructions and give me that screenshot, and I will send it over to you. But, no, seriously, if you're interested, definitely email me with a screenshot of your review and,   or your rating your rating and or review.  

But at least please rate this podcast. It helps me out. Helps me get this information   out to the masses.   But, yeah, if you're interested, send that over. So   just think about how   dating, practicing dating, meeting new people, and going out with them, asking them questions, having conversations, answering their questions,   getting to know them, having them get to know you. This all helps you   to recognize   what you want and need. So, ultimately, it helps you up level your standard to be like, oh, you know, I settled for that before, but, no, I actually want this. And I know I want this because I'm getting it right now in this dating relationship, and I like it. Or I'm not getting it in this dating relationship, and I realize how much I don't like it. So I need to uplevel my standards, and I need to   be,   serious about, like, not   compromising   at least on the deal breakers, which is something I explained in that video. But   I say that preferences   make sense to compromise on, whereas deal breakers, you should not compromise on.  

Compromising on your deal breakers leads to resentment in a relationship.   So don't do it   because deal breakers are high value items to you. They are things that you have determined are very important to you, and   they can be different for everyone.   But a lot of people highly value things around having kids, meaning if they really don't want to have kids or if they really want to have kids, that's usually a high value item for them. Whether they want to be married or not is usually a high value item. Maybe things around, you know, if they   really don't,   want to be with someone who smokes,   that may be a high value item. Drug use, alcohol use, high value items oftentimes.  

But ultimately, you decide for yourself what the high value items are, what the deal breakers are. And I explained in the video how to   do how to,   classify a deal breaker in this situation.   Let me tell you. I've made the ideal partner list,   multiple times throughout my   dating life, and,   I mean, I don't have older copies. I maybe have the first one I made in a journal somewhere, but I don't have older copies. But I can guarantee you that that list   has evolved over time.   And now it is   so much longer and it's clear and specific   and there are way more deal breakers on it than it there had been before. But, you know, this is the stuff of life. Getting older, having kids,   having a career, having a lot to juggle and deal with. I   I got some standards. Okay?  

And also, I don't have any guilt about that. My standards are not too high. I'm not over here being like, oh my gosh. Maybe my expectations are too high. I know a lot of women deal with that,   and I'm not here to say that there aren't people who set unrealistic   expectations.   But most of the time pretty much every time that I've   I mean, maybe there's a person who I could say I've worked with where I'm like, oh, girl. I don't know.   But   usually, no. Like, I always say, are you asking a human to fly or to breathe underwater? No? Okay. So we know that this human exists in the world.   So it's not   so much your expectations.  

Well, two things.   Especially if you are working on yourself to bring certain things to a relationship that you're asking for in certain ways. Not that you have to bring everything exactly the same because maybe you're a pretty quiet person, but you very much want someone who's more outgoing. So it's not that you also have to be outgoing, you maybe want more of that yin and yang. But generally speaking, in a lot of practical areas,   you you for instance, if you want a kind, respectful person, yeah, you should be bringing kindness and respect and respectfulness to the relationship. Absolutely.   But there are other things that, again, you may   want to,   be the opposite of.  

But my point is,   there was a point I lost it. So there was first the the fact of, like, bringing certain things to the relationship that it makes sense to be reciprocal, like kindness and respect and things like that. But there are other things that may work   when they are opposite. But there was really a whole other point. Let me stop my recording so I can figure out what it was. Okay. Okay. I'm back. So it was the fact of feeling like you have expectations that are too high.   What I've come to find, it is not it's not usually the person's expectations that are too high. It's the dating pools that you're swimming in are problematic.   You   have expectations   and preferences in a partner that you are not likely going to have met by the people who are in the places   that you frequent,   who are in the dating pools that you are swimming in. So you need to then do an assessment   of where you are likely to find that type of person. So if you're looking for someone with a certain career or a financial   standing   and you're not going to the type of places, the type of bars or networking events or   social clubs or etcetera that this person would be frequenting,   then you're lessening your chances of finding that person. That same person, you might find in the grocery store, at the bank, or something. But, again, these random meet cute to bumping into someone and it turning into something, they happen, but you can't bet on them. You don't want to be putting all your eggs in the meet cute basket.  

So there is an intention there is an intentionality   to dating   if you know you have certain   dating and relationship goals. So you really   want to   know   the makeup of your ideal partner by using the ideal partner list, but then you also want to assess your dating pools and start to frequent places where you are likely to find that type of person.   Anyway, not to get too far off track and to wrap this up, I think this is a pretty short episode.   Just   consider   how dating and especially casually dating can help you up level   your standards   in dating partners and in relationships.  

Alright. That's it for today. Thanks for listening and see you next week.   Hey. By the way, I can be found in other places besides this podcast.   Just search my name on YouTube, and you'll find my channel.   Subscribe for periodic how to videos for dealing with breakups and mastering dating. That's right. I said mastering dating. It's a skill, ladies.   I can also be found on Instagram at tracy panach.   And lastly, I most encourage you to join my email list where you get breakup and dating support delivered to your inbox in addition to getting the most exclusive access to my programs and coaching services.   My email list subscribers are the first to know when my coaching programs launch and the only people to get discounts when they're offered. As always, I'm glad we got into it and looking forward to next   time.