In this episode, I break down the risks of dating in a shallow dating pool—where you primarily connect with men you already know through friends, work, school, or your kids’ activities. I explain why this can feel convenient and safe (pre-vetting, familiarity, reputation), but also how it keeps many women stuck: more people in your business, higher potential for ex drama, tougher breakups due to community overlap, limited options, and ultimately more of the same unsatisfactory results.
I share a clear path forward: intentionally expand your pool by meeting strangers in new places and spaces—networking events, hobbies, meetups, local groups, and venues outside your usual circles. If you’re not content with your current dating prospects, it’s time to deepen the pool and invite variety so you can create different (and better) outcomes.
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Ep. 24: Cesspools or Infinity Pools: Which Are You Swimming In?
https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/tracie-pinnock3/episodes/Ep--24-Cesspools-or-Infinity-Pools-Which-Are-You-Swimming-In-e28o75p
MINISODE: Here For A Good Time Not A Long Time- No-Pressure Dating
https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/tracie-pinnock3/episodes/MINISODE-Here-For-A-Good-Time-Not-A-Long-Time--No-Pressure-Dating-e29sm1i
Ep. 26: Lower Your First Date Standards
https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/tracie-pinnock3/episodes/Ep--26-Lower-Your-First-Date-Standards-e2a3j5o
Ep. 30: The 5 Tenets of Dating Better
https://serve.podhome.fm/episodepage/the-bitter-to-better/30
Alright. Welcome to the Better to Better podcast, and we're on a roll, so I'm just batching some episodes. So if this all goes as planned, then I am in the same clothes as I was two episodes ago. But the episode right before this one should be a mom moments with one of my friends, you know, if everything that's scheduled goes as it's supposed to go. Anyway, today, we are talking about the risk of dating in a shallow dating pool. What am I talking about? I have this idea of classifying different types of dating pools. There's an episode that I will link in the show notes, that I call, cesspools or infinity pools, like, which are you swimming in. So a cesspool being full of muck and and not, not a beneficial dating pool versus a nice infinity pool that's just right and you're happy with it. Right? And when I say dating pool, I'm talking about the men who you are dating, who you have access to dating. Right? And so, in my date better program that I'm putting together that will be launching in January, I go in-depth about different types of dating pools, a small dating pool, a shallow dating pool, a closed dating pool, a crowded dating pool, or just a poor fit.
And so today, I'm talking about what I refer to as a shallow dating pool. This is primarily dating only guys who you already know or who you know through someone else. I wanna talk about this one specifically because I think it is one of the, biggest dating pool issues that a lot of women deal with. And, I think it just it it holds, women back a lot in their dating process, so I want to get into it. So as I already explained, a shallow dating pool is one in which you are primarily dating guys who you already knew through high school or college or a friend of a friend, someone through work.
I don't know. Someone who you, always who's already a friend, any of those. And I'm not saying that you shouldn't or can't or that it can't be a good idea to date any of those type of people. I am saying that you want to add variety to your dating pool. So you don't only want to be or primarily only be dating people who you already know. And I wanna get into why. So I'm I'm talking to you if or I'm saying this to people to women who are saying they're not currently happy with their dating situation and then assessing your or auditing your dating pools and seeing, am I dating in a shallow dating pool? Am I maybe engaging with a number of guys, but they're all connected in some way through my kids', extracurriculars or through, someone who a friend I already have or a friend from the past or an ex. Maybe they're your ex dating partner, ex relationship partner. Any of these things where you just find yourself continuing to engage with the, a more closed circle of people.
And there are reasons why people do this. I think the primary one being it being, convenience I should so primary two, I would say. Convenience and a sense of safety. Alright? Convenience because it's like these people are already in my community. I'm already bumping into them for various reasons. Right? So I don't have to put out as much effort in finding people. Right? And then the safety aspect comes in a couple of ways. If they are someone who you already know or you know someone who knows them, then there's can be the sense of safety that they this person has already been socially vetted by people who you trust. Right? If they're a friend of a friend or you know them in your community or you know them from activities you do or activities your kids do, then there's a sense of already having an idea of this person. Pretty much their reputation precedes them. And in this case, for better or for worse, meaning even if their reputation isn't a great one, you already have a bit of a read on them. You already have a sense of who they are or you, you know, heard about their behavior. Right? So there's less work that has to be done embedding them or so we think, which I'll get into.
And there is just a sense of, like, alright. They've already been checked out by some people who I trust because these people already know them. Right? So it's understandable why we can lean into dating in a shallow dating pool. And I wanna be clear. It's absolutely fine to date friends of friends and people who you already know. You just should also date people outside of that shallow dating pool if you are not currently happy with your dating prospects. If those are not working out and and, you want you you're realizing that you're not getting what you need from your dating experiences or your dating relationships. Right? So here are, sorry, risk of doing this, risk of dating in the shallow dating pool.
People know your business. Right? If you're dating people who are either just in your small community or town or they, you know, people who just you work with or they are, you know, involved in your kid's school or extracurricular activities. If there's when you're dating people in smaller communities of of things, different activities, different actual towns, stuff like that, then there's gonna be people who already know about that person. They're more likely to hear about you and what you do. So there's this aspect of having people in your business. Another thing is more potential for x drama, meaning if people who you have dated in the past or who that person has stayed in the past are also in this community, then there's just more opportunity for drama with exes because they may be more physically in your space. And, oh, here we go. Here's a kid and a dog.
So the previous episode, I said, might be chaotic. This one actually truly is chaotic. Let's pause. Alright. So I had to pause for a little bit, to heat up the boys' dinner and all that. So I believe I'm starting from where I was. I had just finished talking about, the second risk of dating in a shallow dating pool is more potential for drama with your ex or your exes or your dating partner's exes because every everybody knows everybody and all that good stuff. Right? Also, it can be harder to move on if there ends up being a breakup in that dating relationship because you're just all in the same community. So you see each other or you hear about each other or people ask you questions about each other, all of that sort of stuff. So there's more likely, you're more likely to be in a situation where you don't get the distance that you maybe want or need in, in the instance of a breakup.
Also, it just limits your options. If you're only or primarily dating from this shallow dating pool of people who you know or know peep or people who know people who you know and all of that, or people from your past, stuff like that, then you're just limiting yourself. And, again, it is fine if you are content with your dating options. Then there's really no conversation here. But I'm talking to women who are saying that they're not content with their dating options. They're, for one reason or another, not finding, dating in this pool successful.
So I so in that case, you are going to want to expand your options by inviting variety into your dating pool, getting to to know and meet guys who you don't know, who are complete strangers to you. Because believe it or not, that's what dating generally is. It is about starting out as strangers with someone and dating them to get to know them. I know that sounds scary to a lot of people, but it is how it's generally done. Right? Your dating partner, your eventual eventual romantic partner was at some point a stranger to you. And then the last one I would say is that you just keep getting more of the same. This this is probably the biggest risk is that if you're saying you're not happy with who you're dating and who you're finding to date, but you're dating in a shallow dating pool, you're only gonna get more of the same. So it's dating in the shallow dating pool, dating only people you know or people people who know people you know or people from your past or that sort of thing. It's only getting you more of the same. So that is not going to get you what you want. So what do you do? What do you do if you do want to date in a deeper dating pool, a more open dating pool?
You have to go to the places and spaces where you are with strangers, where it's not just just your kids' extracurricular activity or school or, you know, the high school reunion or these communities where you have a past or you know people in who frequent there. Right? So you are going to, a new bar. You're going to, networking events. You're going you're joining extracurricular activities or hobbies or things, that you want to try. You're going to the meetups, stuff like that. You're joining, local Facebook groups and engaging with people, outside of your, you know, immediate kind of, community.
So you are making an intentional effort to go to places and spaces where you don't know people. And that can be scary for a lot of people, and this is part of why they don't do it for, you know, a number of reasons. Right? One other thing that I I think I didn't mention about why people date in a shallow dating pool, not just because that your dating partner's reputation precedes them, but also because your reputation precedes you, which is to say, you maybe feel a sense of security in the fact that, well, this person already you know, they've already seen me. They they already know my circumstances.
So they know whatever, that I have kids or that I work here or that I dated this person in the past or was married to this person in the past. You know, maybe they're a friend of mine or a friend of a friend, so they really know some of my behavior. They've physically seen me. So if they're wanting to date me, they are they are happy with my physical looks, my life circumstances, all of these things. Right? So there's kind of this, like, pre vetting that happen That can happen, right, if you already know the person, and that can give us a sense of comfort. Right? Meeting a stranger and and wondering, oh, will they like me? Will they like how I look? Will they like will they be okay with certain circumstances of my life, etcetera, etcetera, certain behaviors that I do? That comes with more uncertainty and more questions. And yet, it's very much worth it if you are not content with your dating options currently. Right? So that's another reason why people might tend to lean to it. Right? Convenience, your dating partner's reputation precedes them, and your reputation precedes you.
And, again, go ahead and date some people in that pool, but also do a lot of your dating outside of that pool. So you don't want to hinder your dating experience and waste your time and energy and effort by only dating in a shallow dating pool. People tend to know more of your business. There's more potential for drama with exes. It can be harder to move on after a breakup with that person. You're limiting your options, and you're getting more of the same. Alright. This is my strong suggestion to you that you date outside of a shallow dating pool and you make that you intentionally make that dating pool a bit deeper.
Kicking off: today’s topic and “dating pools” idea
Defining a shallow dating pool
Why we default to the familiar: convenience and safety
Risks part 1: people in your business
Parent pause—then back to ex drama and breakups
If you’re not happy, expand beyond the shallow pool
How to find a deeper pool: go where strangers are
Comfort of a known reputation vs. uncertainty
Recap and strong suggestion to diversify