In this candid, on-the-road episode, I share a real-time check-in from sunny Phoenix and dive into the realities of dating—the parts you simply can’t avoid if you want healthy companionship. Drawing from my work with women and my own experiences, I outline the core truths of the dating process: you have to engage with strangers, you will encounter poorly behaved matches, misaligned preferences are part of romantic interviewing, you may need to make changes (or decide not to) in yourself or your circumstances, and there will be disappointment and frustration along the way.
I walk through how to set realistic expectations, strengthen your vetting skills, and protect your emotional wellbeing by choosing disappointment over heartbreak when things aren’t a fit. You’ll learn practical ways to prepare mentally, cut off misaligned or inappropriate dates efficiently, reflect on what you’re willing (and unwilling) to change, and keep dating momentum with a roster mindset so one setback isn’t the end of your story.
Welcome to the Better to Better podcast. Hopefully, my sound is okay because there has been a big change for a moment. There's been an unexpected change to the podcast episode today. First of all, it is Monday, October 13, and so a podcast episode should have come out 5AM eastern time. It is not out yet. It is currently 11:52AM eastern time, but I am in Phoenix, Arizona in which it is 08:53AM, and I am traveling. And so this podcast episode, is just happening. Originally originally, today was going to be the release of the first mom moments episode, but I didn't get to record that conversation yet. And so it had to be rescheduled. I so, I had planned to record an episode to replace that episode, and I didn't get around to it before traveling. And so it was a hectic week, and so here I am. So I'm recording this episode right now, and then I'm going to pretty much immediately upload it.
And that will be this Monday's episode, and then I have, episodes scheduled from there. So that's what's going on. Welcome. This episode is about things you cannot avoid when dating. And so I'm inspired to do this episode by work with women around, their hesitations for getting into the dating world, their concerns, their worries. And it and in talking with women and having my own experiences in dating, it has allowed me to really it has pushed me to, I think, make some firm statements on the dating process that I've been hesitant to make because I'm like, oh, I don't wanna push people away or scare people people away from the process. But the reality is if you want, a certain companionship in your life, and various other things that may come with partnering with someone, then dating is the path to doing that. Just like if you want to make money, getting a job or selling something or creating something, is the path to doing that. Just like if you want good health, exercising and eating well and, you know, going to your doctor's appointments are, you know, the path to to getting there. Right? So there are things that we have to do as part of the process to meeting the goals that we want. And so when we're talking about partnering with a partner who is a good fit for you and you are a good fit for them, then dating is really the path to doing that because, as I always say, dating is romantic interviewing, so you have to date.
And so the reality is that there are certain things then that you don't get to avoid if you're going to date, just like there are certain things you don't get to avoid if you're gonna have a job. Like, someone's gonna expect you to show up somewhere at a certain time or to deliver a certain product or service in a certain way or by a certain time. You know, if you want, you know, good health, you are going to have to move your body, maybe sometimes when you don't want to, in ways you don't want to. You're going to have to eat things that maybe you'd have other preferences in what you would eat, stuff like that. Right? So here we are. So with that, there are just a a few there are a few that come to mind immediately for me of, like, these things you don't get to avoid avoid.
And probably because there's some of the most common things that come up from people when, when I'm talking to them about dating. So, I would say the first thing that you don't by the way, I'm in my, I'm in Josh's grandmother's backyard here in Arizona. So there's one chime, like, some lovely landscaping going on. And I'm on the backyard swing right now. It's a lovely sunny day here in Phoenix. But the first thing you don't get to avoid when dating is engaging with strangers, meaning that every person you meet in the dating process will initially be a stranger to you. And that is that seems obvious.
And, also, it it's also interesting to me when people are like, you know, but new people. And I'm like, well, yeah, if you are going to make friends in life, if you're going to enter relationships in life, if you're going to, work a job or work with coworkers, then you're going to be engaging with strangers. Right? It's a common part of most of our lives. So I say this, though, to, like, help give perspective on the fact that what shouldn't, you know, hinder you from dating is the idea that, oh, I have to meet new people. Yes. Yes. You do. You don't get to avoid engaging with strangers if you're going to date. So just, you know, knowing that and accepting that can help you walk into it with, maybe more mental preparation.
Because, of course, right, what comes up for for us when we think about engaging with strangers, it may be I don't you know, this person doesn't know me. I don't want to be judged. I don't want you know, I want to maybe look and be and behave my best, because that you know, this is their first impression of me or they don't know me well. And yes. Absolutely. So that means if I know that I'm going to have to engage with with strangers, when I'm dating, then I am going to do my best to put my best foot forward. And so I'm going to need to prepare myself to do the things that are going to allow me to do that.
And we'll talk a little more about this in one of the the, next points that I'll bring up soon. Another thing sorry. I'm recovering from a sinus infection. So, another thing is you don't get to avoid meeting crappy, sucky people, men, people who you know, guys who you engage with who don't act right. You don't get to avoid that for the most part. I mean, I guess if you're super lucky, you never run into those guys while dating, but most of us aren't super lucky, when it comes to that. And so the reality is, yes, you're gonna meet some assholes. You're gonna meet some losers. You're gonna meet some guys who you're like, I can't believe he said or did that or behaved in that way. You should set your expectations, appropriately that you're gonna run into them.
But don't let that be a reason you don't date because in that case, you know, they win. Like, don't cut yourself off from, you know, the potential of great companionship or just enjoyable experiences because of the behavior of some people who don't know how to act right. Because, again, as being a human in this life, in this world, you don't get to, you don't get through life not meeting some people who you rather not be around. And in this case, in the dating process, you can cut them off. You should cut them off. And pretty easily, especially if it's early on in the the dating process of this person, which is a major reason why I'm always saying we need to work on our vetting skills and vetting efficiently because you should not be out here continually engaging with the same guy who isn't behaving.
That's a bad idea. Right? So you don't get to avoid meeting misbehaving men when dating. So instead, how do you deal with that? You deal with that by having good vetting skills and knowing when you're like, hey. Thanks for the date, but no thank you. You know, your behavior was inappropriate. But if it's something that you feel is worth, you know, mentioning to him, give him some feedback. Or it's just, oh, thanks. Appreciate the date. You know, whether it's our values on the line or we don't have some of the same goals or we're not looking for the same things, whatever it is. Alright. Bye. That's it. That's it. But you're not gonna control whether people behave or not. You don't get to do that.
Another thing you don't get to do or another thing you don't get to avoid while dating is, the potential for misalignment of preferences between you and your dating partners. Right? That's part of why why you're dating. You're romantic interviewing. So just like HR, an HR manager, interviewing potential, you know, job candidates. Do you do the interview to see, like, are we aligned on these things? Are are you aligned on doing the duties that we want for this job? Are you are we aligned on what you'll get paid? Are we aligned on, various, you know, ideas or or logistics? Like, are you able we need you here at 8AM. Is that something you're able to do? We need you to stay here until 5PM. Is that able something you're able to do? You know, all of these things. And then, you know, you as a job candidate, you have your preferences and needs. So, you know, the work culture or, you know, what's our lunch break, stuff like that. Right? So same thing with romantic interviewing AKA dating.
You have your preferences and your deal breakers. That person has their preferences and their deal breakers, and those things may or may not align. And that is a part of the process. Don't let the potential for misaligned preferences stop you from dating because it's highly likely. Like, I always say, like, everyone is not the one. Statistically speaking, every person you date cannot be the one. If you're looking for the, a, you know, one person to join with, everybody's not gonna be that one. So, yeah, you're gonna go on dates with people and realize that, they don't want what you want. You you don't want what they want, whatever, and that is why you date so that you can ask questions and get to know each other and then vet people in or out of your dating pool. Right? Another thing you don't get to avoid is the potential to need to make changes about yourself, your behavior, or your life circumstances.
Right? Like, you may go into the dating process and and notice things or get feedback from people you're dating, from guys you're dating, and, realize there are things that you would like to shift. You know? And I have, like, my philosophy on this idea of making changes about ourselves, our physical appearance, our life circumstances, our behavior, whatever, is there are things like, you kind of you need to do some self assessment, some self reflection on where you stand on any given thing that you could potentially change about yourself. So what I mean is there are things that you as a that you yourself are not content with about yourself or your life, your behavior, your circumstances.
And, therefore, those are things that you are intrinsically motivated to want to change. Right? There's that bucket. There's another bucket of things that someone would like you to change about yourself, your life, your circumstances, your behavior. Okay? So then you look at that bucket and you make some decisions. Is this something that I am interested in, happy to, willing to, think should be changed about myself or my life, or is this something that I don't think should be changed or I don't want to change? Right? And then you go from there. So what I'm saying is they're the things that you work to change because you have already decided you want to change them. Then there are the things that other people have, and in this case, we'll say dating partners or well, even other people in your life in regards to dating.
They may bring up to you and say, well, if you did this or you did that, then you look at those things and you say, okay. Here are the things that, like, yeah. They're, you know, they're right. I could change those things, or I wanna try it and let's see how it goes, then great. Make efforts to change those things. But there might be some of those things where you're like, no. I like this about myself, or this is something that is not changeable in my life. Then those things, they stay the same. But that does mean then you are going to want to intentionally seek out dating people who are okay with those things that you are not willing to or cannot change.
A prime example would be if you have kids. You're not changing that reality. So you don't wanna be out here dating and giving too much time to a guy who doesn't want to date someone who has kids or doesn't want to, be in a step parenting role in the future. Right? That doesn't make sense, and that's not a changeable circumstance for you. So I'm not going to date or continue to date you. Let's you might end up on a first or second date with someone who you real like, who you find out that's the case, but you need to vet them out then because that makes no sense for you. Right? So, but then there might be things that you have decided, yeah, you do want to change about yourself. Maybe you want to, have more freedom with your time. Maybe you want to make more money. Maybe you want to be in a different living situation. Maybe you want to change something about your health or something about your physical appearance. Any of these things. Right?
Then you, in the dating process, are very much put in a position to put effort into changing those things so that as you are dating guys, you are showing up as the the self and the person you want to be. And I wanna be very clear here. Some people will hold off on dating completely until they feel like they've fixed or changed all these things about themselves. And I'm not suggesting that either. Right? We are all humans who are in evolving in evolution, and we never get it done, like, our entire lives. There are things you're changing or shifting about yourself, your life, your circumstances, your behaviors. You go through different phases in life. If you have young kids, you're gonna then have, you know, older kids, and you're gonna have adult kids. Like, your life the phases of your life shift and, inevitably, your lifestyle and the things you need and want shift. Right? So what I'm saying is we as humans are always all evolving.
So where someone met you now versus where they meet you and see you ten years, twenty, thirty years from now should shift and change in certain ways. But are you being intentional along the way about those things shifting and changing changing in the ways that you want and need for the parts that are within your control? Right? So what I'm saying here is you it it can be helpful. If there are a lot of things that you know you're wanting to change about yourself or your life, it can be very helpful for you to identify the first few that absolutely need to shift in some way in order for you to comfortably engage with other people, if that makes sense. Because there may be 15 other things that, yeah, you're gonna be working on, but as you're getting to know people, you know, as you're living your life because if you wait until everything is perfect, good luck. It's not happening because I don't even know what perfection is, honestly.
Right? So I'm saying that if you happen to be in a position where you're like, yeah. I'm not happy about this, this, this, this, and this in my life, then don't over like, don't overdo it in terms of, well, then I can't date anyone or be dating until these things are done. No. That's not how it works. You you do wanna be out there dating and and talking to people and getting to know them and having them get to know you while you were working on these things. And what you might get is feedback from people, from guys, from people you know in your life who that might help you even prioritize some of the things you want to change about yourself or your circumstances or your behavior. Right? If you have people be like, well, yeah. You know?
I don't know. Whatever. When you're talking, you, like, monopolize the conversation all the time. That's a behavioral thing. Right? You might be like, oh, I'm gonna be more aware of that and work on that. So when I'm on dates, I'm not, you know, overdoing it. Whatever. That's one random example. There are many. There are many examples. Right? Some people might notice like, hey. Yeah. You tend to, like, be, really, really quick to just cut guys out without, you know, any consideration of, you know, what their, what's going on for them or their circumstance. For example, maybe that person is working on things and goals for themself. Right? And and you're like, well, that doesn't match my preference. Right? Well, maybe it doesn't match a preference you have, but if it's not a deal breaker item, is there room there to continue to talk to this person and get to know them? Right? And this is where I say it's nuanced and balanced and tricky because I know I just also said don't give your time too much of your time to somebody and vet them out efficiently. Yes. When you know that they're not checking certain deal breakers or, you know, their behavior is just completely inappropriate or unacceptable.
These are where it takes a bit more of a tailored specific approach, in terms of what your exact circumstances are with this exact person. I wanna be clear. Right? There are definitely those questions where you're surveying the crowd and your friends, and you're like, okay. There's this, but then there's this. So I'm not saying it's it's always just like this clear, clean-cut thing across the board, but it does start with you knowing your preferences and needs and desires and then weighing those against what that person's bringing. But I digress a little. My point here is there are things that all of us can shift and change, but we wanna also be doing it for the right reasons. You need to check-in with yourself on the things that you think are worth shifting and changing about yourself and your life so that you can then go out and date people who who match that, who want that.
And so that you're not wasting your time with people who don't want the things that you are offering or that you want, if that makes sense. Right? Like, let's not again, the person doesn't want to want kids or want to be involved with kids and you have kids. Well, okay. Thanks. No. Thanks. The last thing I would talk about that you don't get to avoid when dating is disappointment and frustration for kind of all these reasons that I listed above, particularly that whole part of not being able to control others' behavior. Right? So you're gonna meet guys who you don't enjoy talking to or being around and or who, whatever. Someone who ghost you or just does some inappropriate behavior, you're gonna experience disappointment and frustration around that, annoyance, maybe even anger or sadness.
One of my things is I always say, like, I prefer disappointment over heartbreak, which is to say, if I'm dating somebody and they are showing behavior or having, you know, certain life circumstances, things about themselves that really are not aligning with what I want or I'm looking for, it's better for me to vet them out earlier on and experience the disappointment of that thing not working out rather than continuing to date them and get emotionally attached and, potentially experience heartbreak over that thing ending, whether I ended or they ended. My point is is that the more we engage with someone, maybe you're enjoying your time, right, in their company, the more emotionally attached we'll we'll be getting. And if that thing ends, it's more likely for it to be sadness and heartbreak that comes from it than just earlier on it being disappointing that we had to end things. So the reality is if you're dating people, most of those dates are not going to move into a relationship.
So there very well may be some disappointment on you needing to end it or them choosing to end it with you. Better that that that the disappointment or frustration or annoyance is felt than anger and heartbreak and sadness. Although, that that might absolutely be something that happens. Those stronger emotions might absolutely be something you experience. But generally speaking, you're working on your dating skills, your vetting skills so that you know when to kinda cut the ties. Or if someone else cuts the ties, you can be like, yeah. I I get it. You know, I really had a good time with them. It's disappointing. But I see where we don't align in some of our preferences and deal breakers. So it makes sense. I'm disappointed, but, hey. I'm still continuing to date. I have my roster going. I'm casually dating. I'm rotationally dating. I'm dating like a man.
And so there are other people for me to to romantically interview. And so the disappointment is there, but it's not the end all and be all. It's not, you know, heartbreaking. K? So my, reasons for wanting to really acknowledge the things that you don't get to avoid when dating is to help set realistic expectations for dating, to help reduce the likelihood of heartbreak, and, to just lean into the realities of some inconvenient truths of the dating process. But anything that's worth doing or having oftentimes comes with challenges and sacrifices. And if you feel that companionship in your life is worth having, healthy companionship, happy companionship is worth having, then these are some of the challenges that you are going to face in the process.
So let's have realistic expectations about it so that we can do the things that are within our control to limit or reduce some of these inconveniences and to cope with them. Alright? That's all. Wait. That's not all. Well, no. I was gonna say by the time this episode comes out, but it's coming out, like, now, my email list would be available. It's there's a tech issue. So, like, it's my email list is set up, but the emails aren't going out, so we're still working on it. So we'll come back to that. Anyway, that's been it for today. Billy me. Something that I need to start remembering to add to every episode is where you can find me, follow me, engage with me, and eventually join my dating, program.
So, obviously, wherever you are watching or listening to this podcast, YouTube is, is kind of a new place that I've been putting the podcast because it now has this visual, element. So definitely subscribe to my YouTube channel, which is coach Tracy. That's t r a c I e. And also follow me on Instagram and TikTok. The coach Tracy are my tags are my handles there, I believe. And, and my website is coachtracy.life. So that's c0achtracie.life. That is where you'll be able to read about my upcoming dating program, that's launching in January. That's where you'll be able to join my email list when it's working properly. So, honestly, don't do that just yet.
And this is that's where you'll ultimately be able to find, you know, all the services and products that I offer. So, but right now, subscribing on YouTube and, following me on Instagram and TikTok are really, the key ways to stay in touch and keep up with everything. Alright. That's all.
Travel day scramble and delayed release
Setting the theme: things you cannot avoid when dating
You must engage with strangers and prepare first impressions
Encountering misbehaving men and using efficient vetting
Expect misaligned preferences: dating as romantic interviewing
Self‑assessment: what to change, what to keep, and why
Evolving while dating: prioritize changes without perfectionism
Nuance and boundaries: balancing deal breakers and grace
Choose disappointment over heartbreak: cut ties earlier
Realistic expectations and coping with dating challenges
Wrap‑up and housekeeping: tech issues and where to follow