In this episode, I delve into the power of embracing your circumstances when it comes to dating, particularly for women with children. I discuss the societal pressures and negative narratives that often discourage women from dating, especially those over 35 with children. By sharing my personal experiences, I aim to empower women to acknowledge their circumstances, identify what they want to change, and prioritize those changes to enhance their dating lives. I emphasize the importance of being intentional about the type of partner you seek and the necessity of reassessing your dating strategies to ensure they align with your personal goals and circumstances.
Additionally, I share a personal affirmation inspired by a quote from Audre Lorde, "Nothing I accept about myself can be used against me to diminish me." This affirmation underscores the importance of self-acceptance and living unapologetically, free from the judgments of others. I encourage listeners to write their own affirmations to reinforce their self-worth and navigate life and dating with confidence. By embracing who you are and what you want, you can create a more fulfilling and empowered dating experience.
Audre Lorde Info
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Audre_Lorde
Ep. 16: My Sanity-Saving Systems
https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/tracie-pinnock3/episodes/Ep--16-My-Sanity-Saving-Systems-e25s2oe
MINISODE: My Biggest Roadblock to Meeting Men IRL
https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/tracie-pinnock3/episodes/MINISODE-My-BIGGEST-Roadblock-to-Meeting-Men-IRL-e24h3fd
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Unknown:
Alright. Alright. Alright. We're in a time crunch here. So it's 02:02, and I like to get myself ready and together around 02:30 to pick up the boys. And here I am, recording when I have the time. As you'll see, if you've watched last week's episode, I'm in the same outfit. No. Not because I wore the same outfit for a week and not because I put on this outfit for recording because I'm recording these episodes in the same day. Because, again, we are working with the time we have, busy mom, etcetera, etcetera. Right? I'm batching episodes. But this episode, which I'm recording the same day as a previous episode, but it comes out a week after the previous episode, is about the power of embracing your circumstances when dating.
What I mean here is I realize that the Internet will have us believing a lot of BS about why we can't or shouldn't date, why no one would wanna date us, this, that, and the third. By us, I'm referring to oftentimes women, over the age of 35, with kids, maybe black women, all of these things that if you are in certain parts of the Internet, it gets real nasty. I'm here to say this, that one of my key things is to empower women in their dating. There is too much disempowered dating going on for women where they kinda just accept whatever. They're like, oh, I don't know about this, all of that.
And I wanna be clear. There's a lot about dating that you can't control because it's about meeting humans and them behaving in certain ways, which none of us can control outside of ourself. Right? So that's really life. Like, when you're when you are going to engage with other people, it's gonna come with a a a fair amount of uncertainty. You can't control control another person. You can't make somebody do something you want them to do. So that part, that's it's above you. Right? But the parts that you can control, you can be more empowered by actually putting effort and intention into those things. So the way I planned this episode was kind of to use myself as an example of what I what I've experienced or what what I've what I've embraced about my circumstances, let's put it that way, and what I've done about that to date in the ways I wanted to date and date the people I wanted to date and then ultimately decide on, you know, entering the type of relationship I wanted to enter. Right? So let's just say we'll talk about my the challenges for my circumstances, the pros of my circumstances, what I chose to embrace about those circumstances, then what I identified I wanted to change, and what I prioritize in order to make those changes. Because I guess I would say those are kind of the steps that I would recommend taking, which is, first, you have to accept and acknowledge what your circumstances are. K? K? What that means about you personally as a person, your behavior, your, physical looks, your parenting child situation, your money and work circumstances, your housing circumstances, your health circumstances. I can go on on and on and on and on. Right? All these things are are aspects of our lives. Right? You start by acknowledging what those things are in your life and accepting them because then from there, you identify the things that you are happy with and don't want to change. You identify the things that maybe you'd like to make some shifts, but you are prepared to tolerate for a period of time because of x, y, and z. And then you would identify the things that you don't want that you don't aren't happy with and you do want to change. Right? Because you take those things and you start making a plan on how to work on shifting them. Maybe it's your fitness level. Maybe it's health related. Maybe it's money. Maybe it's parenting stuff, you name it. Maybe it's friend circle, family relationships, the state of your home. We can go on and on and on. Right?
But then the things that you identified you don't want to change or that you're happy with or content with or can tolerate, then you are then identifying the type of guys who are interested in that. Right? And then, ultimately, at the end of all this, you reassess if necessary. Let's say there are some things that you identified that you don't wanna change, whether it's because you're happy about them or you're just not prepared to change or shift them, you would I try to identify people who would who are interested in that. If you find or feel that you're not having much success there, maybe you reassess and decide, oh, maybe it would help for me to change this thing. Maybe it would help for me to shift this aspect of my life. But this is always a subjective assessment that we all have to do around what makes sense for us to compromise, what doesn't make sense for us to compromise. Right? So using myself as an example.
Back when I was dating, I would identify some of my challenges or what the Internet might say or what society might say some of my challenges in dating might be, were that I was over 35. I had two kids by two different fathers. I was mostly single parenting. Although both of my sons' fathers are in their lives, I definitely did the brunt of it. I had limited time available available to do things between work and parenting, and keeping a house, stuff like that. And I would say I was lower to moderate income. So these are things that could be considered hits against you. Some would say my race being black.
I personally don't see it as that because I, swim in the pools that wanted me and were interested. So that for me was just like a non it was like no. The pros. So like I just said, I acknowledge my circumstances in terms of things that might be considered as challenges. Right? I acknowledge them. I accepted them. I then identified what I feel were the pros of my circumstance. I had limited time, but it was flexible because I work from home and I worked in my own business. I, working from home was a pro. I'm educated. I'm ambitious. I think I look cute. Okay? So, again, beauty is an eye of the beholder. It's subjective, but I feel cute.
I was financially independent, and I had my own place. Now even in some of those pros sorry. I'm looking at a list. But even in some of those pros, I was financially independent, but I was also struggling financially doing it mostly on my own. Right? So there there, like, can be two sides to to some things. Right? But in identifying those challenges and the things that I felt I had going for me, I identified what do I want, what am I happy with, what don't I want to change, what and what can I tolerate versus, okay, here's what I like to change? So what I embraced ultimately, the things that you don't want to change are the things that you are embracing. Right? I embrace the fact that I was over 35, that I had two kids, my different fathers, that my time was flexible, that I felt cute, that, I had financial independence, that I was educated and ambitious.
So right there. Right? Not only was I not gonna be changing the fact that I'm 35 and have two kids and by thereby different dads, but quite frankly, that's those are core parts of of me as a person. So I honestly wasn't looking to change them. But that does mean that I needed to be out there seeking guys who were interested in that, which as an example, with, the type of guy that was not good for me to be looking into was a 20 year old who didn't wanna have kids. Even if he might have been and we might even be able to go out and have a good time, I knew that that was not going to be a reasonable life partner for me. So I just vetted those guys out from the beginning in order to save myself a lot of pain, strife, frustration, and annoyance. Because to be clear, there could have been 20 year olds who were looking to have a good time and wanted to date me, but I knew that that wasn't gonna turn out well on my end of things because I have my two kids. And one of the things on my ideal partner list was someone who I partnered with needed to be good with kids preferably, honestly, have their own kids. I personally preferred a guy who had a child or two himself, but I will get to all of that. So those are things that I identified not planning to change, not trying to change, can't change.
Okay. But then there were things that I identified I wanted to change about my my circumstances. So I wanted to struggle less financially, make more money, save more, change my spending habits, be able to invest. It's all the things that would be considered financial thriving. I wanted I wanted that, and I was not necessarily experiencing that. I wanted to sorry. Where am I? I wanted to have a career shift. I was doing therapy, still am doing therapy, love doing therapy, shout out to my clients, but I also wanted to build a coaching business for women around dating and breakups. So that was something that I wanted to be different.
I wanted, to change the fact that I had limited time slash support for my kids. So I made the most of the time I had, but the reality was that I was working for myself and had to show up, you know, to my session sessions to get paid. That might mean I rushed to get dinner on the table for the kids and would go into, like, my, my my space to do my sessions while they're out, out, you know, eating, which I would have I do like to be able to sit with them and stuff like that. You know, it meant that, that I sometimes had less time to clean up the house or do things that I wanted to do when it came to that because I need to make sure I'm tending to the kids or in a work session or going grocery shopping or things like that. So that was a circumstance I did want to change.
And then I wanted to also change my living situation eventually. I was in my own place, and we loved our little place. But it was our little place that I knew I wanted more space, for my boys and me as, you know, they grew and stuff like that. So those are just some of the things that I identified I did want to change and wanted to be different, which meant I had to identify what I was going to prioritize in order to change my circumstances. Right? So, when it came to the dating space, right, because I'm talking about embracing your circumstances as of empowering you in your dating experience. Right? Acknowledging here are my circumstances. Here are the things about it that I'm not changing, don't wanna change, can't change. Here are the things that I am interested in changing. Okay. Well, then what do I prioritize?
So for me, one of the things I was prioritizing with the limited time I had between work and kids and all that, time for dates. I knew that if my romantic circumstance was going to change, I was going to need to prioritize engaging with people for for romantic purposes. So making time for dates was a priority for me. My fitness was a priority priority for me. One for feeling good and looking good for myself, being able to show up for my kids as best as possible, but also out in dating That was only going to in in in, increase, the likelihood of interest from people who I was interested in and stuff like that.
And then my time with my kids in a very, like, a structured way. Because I had limited time, I would identify activities or things we could do that would get us that quality time, but sometimes it was for a specific time period because I knew I had to, like, plan out how I spent my time for other things. So I prioritize the idea of, like, oh, this, maybe this festival is going on, so let's do that Because I know that this week, I have all these sessions, these evening sessions. I'm not gonna be able to sit with them at dinner the way I want to. Right? So these were the things that I decided to prioritize in order to, start trying to make shifts to things that I wanted to change. Another one actually was, you know, with wanting to build a coaching business, I had to decide that there were times where I sat down and did work on that even though I, might rather be sleeping or going out or, doing something with the kids, right? It was always a juggling thing, right? I didn't always neglect time with the kids in order to do work stuff but sometimes I chose a work thing instead of the time with the kids in order to try to build where I need sometimes I chose a work thing instead of the time with the kids in order to try to build where I needed to get to. I didn't always, you know, neglect going out with friends in order to, whatever, clean the house, but sometimes that's what I needed to do. Like, it's always, you know, a juggling thing with dates, right? Sometimes I prioritize making the time for the date. Sometimes I prioritize the time with the kids or doing a work session instead of going out on the date. This is a constant assessment. I want to be clear about this, but it is important for you to identify what you need and want to do. So what I'm getting at here is, let's say, you're an over 35 year old woman with children, and there are other aspects of your life that you are not, that some might consider to be challenges or that you're not fully content with. Right? You need to acknowledge and accept that they exist.
You need to identify what parts of these can change and that you want to change versus the ones that can't change or that you don't wanna change. And then you need to then you need to identify, so this is where I wanna get to, the type of guy who'd be interested in that. So for instance, my ideal partner list listed, a man who was within my age range. I preferred guys older than me, quite frankly, but I would say my age and, you know, up to I don't know. May it might have been eight, 10 years old or something like that, my preference. Right? But I knew that set me up to be more likely to have a guy who had lived some life, to be more likely to have a guy who had had kids and maybe is done having kids because I knew I was done having kids. So I preferred him to already have kids or definitely at least know he didn't want to have, kids or any more kids.
Again, I want him to be my age or older. I wanted him to be happy in an established career, ideally, that he enjoyed and liked. I am trying to think of things that speak to what might be considered challenges for me. So being over 35 and dating guys who are 35 or older, that that made sense. Having two kids and dating a guy who already had who had kids as well, also, that made sense. Let's see. The fact that I was mostly single parenting. Right? That can be seen as a a a hit, by some guys. You're like, oh, well, like, am I gonna be supporting them financially, or does she have the time to shave with this? And these were things where those are my circumstances.
Right? And my kids were with me most of the time. Right? So I was a person who was organized about my schedule and my time. I'm like, okay. I know my kids are in school from this time to this time. I know that this is the time frame that I have. So when I set up, dates, I'd be like, you know, I'd aim for, like, again, some daytime stuff. Or if it was gonna be during a time where my kids would be be at home, I would be working on childcare options, or I would, be intentional about scheduling dates on the weekend where, like, my younger son always went with his dad on the weekends. My older son would, sometimes go, and so I'd reach out and be like, hey. Is this a weekend where you, where you want to have him, where he can be with you? And then I would block multiple dates in that time period, like or make that that my cleaning time or I'm going out with friends. But what I'm saying is it had to be intentional, planned, organized.
And, and when I was looking for guys to date, I was factoring in, you know, do they have a life of their own so they're not constantly needing me to be with them around them and needing my time and energy? Because if they need that, I don't have that for them. Right? Not the guy for me to date. So what I'm getting at is you're being intentional of, like, what what is the the profile of a person who would meet my circumstances from the financial standpoint. Right? So I was caring for myself, but it was definitely hard, and I was struggling. And so for me, one of the things was I did want a partner who made more money than me. But I was also on the pro side for me. I was coming from, handling my own bills, doing my, therapy business, being an ambitious person. So my thought being that even though I am seeking someone who is, more financially abundant than me, I'm I'm not seeing it as it's a hit against me. Right? Because they're seeing all of these things that I possess in terms of the fact that I'm caring for myself, and I am moving towards other things, greater, bigger things financially. Right? So, that's one of the things Josh told me. Like, you know, as we got together, he was like, the fact that you had told me that you were intentionally working on changing some of your spending habits and saving habits was appealing to me. Mind you, I was not where I want to be financially, you know, yet.
And yet that, I was embracing that circumstance and acknowledging the things that I wanted to prioritize in order to be where I wanted to be, and therefore was it it it was not this, like, hit against me, you know, on the on the dating market. So all I'm getting at is start from where you are, identify and accept that, or accept those circumstances that this is what it is. And then look at and say, here's what I'm cool with or here's what I'm gonna have to be cool with, and here's where I can make some shifts and some changes. Right? So is it that I'm what I'm needing to, consider getting a second job to to do? So that's one of the things. I mean, if you listen back to some episodes in the podcast, I had an episode where I said, I'm making some choices and some shifts to, like, get some things done that I wanna get done. So I decided after many years of just working for myself to go work for an agency.
And I I started that job just as I met Josh, and we started dating and then deciding to be official. And I ended up sending a year at that job before we agreed I would quit the job because of the stress it was causing this, that, and the third. But what I'm getting at is I got to a point where it's like, okay. This struggle that I'm that I'm living financially, it's got to shift and it's got to change, which meant, of course. Right? I'm like, now I'm going back to an agency job where my time is less flexible than what I've been used to over these years, it will limit my time more in some ways with the kids. Like, there were all these things I had to consider, and this goes back to my point of what you choose to prioritize in order to make the changes you wanna make. I needed to make more money.
So I was prioritizing the fact that, that, okay. I'm gonna get an agency job. It means I'm less flexible on my time. It means, you know, how you know, rearranging how I fit in dating and things like that. But in me making choices like that, at the point in which I met Josh, he was able to see that I was somebody who was, again, ambitious, making the sacrifices I felt made sense for me to make in order to get to achieve some of the things I wanted to achieve. And that ended up being a very big plus for me in dating.
He ex expressed that he, you know, appreciated that. Right? So what I'm getting at is upon me deciding, alright. I'm a 35 year old with two kids and, doing a lot of the parenting on my own and trying to make it work financially. Boom. That's what it is. Right? Here are the things that I'd like to, like, that I would like to shift and be different. Okay. I wanna make some career shifts. I wanna improve my finances. I want to, eventually be in a bigger place for my boys. I want to be able to have more time for them. What what am I going to do to work toward those things? But, also, who am I going to even spend my time attempting to date is what I'm really getting at here.
Because, yes, if you are a 35 year old woman with kids, let's just use an example. If you're 35 year old, black women woman with kids and you are swimming in dating pools of the of, I don't know, this twenty twenty eight year old guy who's like, you know, women 30 are washed up, and, I don't want kids, and I'm not really into black girls. You're in the wrong dating pool. By the but in that case, it it's not gonna be you're not gonna be enjoying yourself very much. You're not gonna be very, efficient, successful, empowered in your dating experience because you're swimming in the wrong pools.
But there are plenty of guys out there, particularly on Hinge, I will say, who were interested in an over 35 year old with two kids who was doing stuff for herself and trying to make it work and wasn't quite where she wanted to be yet but was still working on it. They exist. And so embrace your circumstances. Identify what you want to keep the same. Identify what you want to change. Identify the type of guys who are into that and working on the things you're wanting to shift so that you're only showing up bigger and better, and then reassess if you need to. If you had been very set on, oh, no. I absolutely am not gonna date a guy who is, you know, let's say, five years older than me, or I'm absolutely not gonna date a guy of a different race than me, or I'm absolutely not gonna date a guy who has a kid, all of these sort of things. I wanna be clear because the Internet will tell you that you need to shift these. I'm not absolutely saying you need to shift those those expectations or standards. Not at all. I am saying that upon you doing these things that I mentioned, like identifying what you want to keep the same, what you want to change and trying it out and seeing how it goes, maybe you decide to reassess and say, oh, well, what if I decided that I do date the guys that meet these things on my list, but they have a kid?
What might that shift for me? Right? What if I did decide, I do date somebody of a different race even though I never have before and I haven't thought I'd be interested, but he meets these other things. What might happen? What if I decide to date a guy who is a year or two older than the the age cap that I had put on? What maybe happens? Right? Because at that point, what do you have to lose? So embrace your circumstances, identify what you don't want to change or can change, identify what you do want to change, identify what you're gonna prioritize in order to make those changes, identify the type of guys who would be interested in the things, the unchangeables, the things that you can't or won't change. Right? And reassess if necessary. Alright. There we go.
Alright. So this is a little add on to this episode. I after recording this episode and editing it, I came across my notes for a podcast episode that I apparently had planned to record, and I realized that it speaks directly to this topic of embracing your circumstances. So I'm literally going to read what I typed up. So it's almost like a little, I don't know, speech, a little letter. And I just wanted to add it because it applies directly to this topic. I would also say, that it I don't know. I kind of encourage you to write something like this for yourself in a journal.
It's it's like a an affirmation and a validation to yourself, and this is a little length a little lengthy. So in terms of, an affirmation that you might be able to say to yourself each day, you might wanna take, a summary or a couple of sentences from what you write. But start by just writing it all out, and you'll get a sense of what I mean when I read what I've written about my philosophy on my life circumstances or the things I do or the the behaviors I do or the the generally, the way I live my life. I have leaned into this idea of living my life unapologetically.
That not mean and that not meaning that I'm perfect or that I don't have things to change or that I I can't make mistakes, but really generally moving through what I have left of my life, which is really unknown, in a way in which I feel content and am not stifled down by people's thoughts and opinions and, oftentimes, incorrect thoughts or opinions about my life and, ultimately, a life that only I can live and walk in and walk through just like everyone else's life is individually theirs, and they have to live with the positive and negative consequences of anything they do. So living a life on someone else's terms or by their restrictions doesn't tend to benefit us. So I'm just going to, read this.
So here is a quote by Audre Lorde. Nothing I accept about myself can be used against me to diminish me. This episode, when I was going to make it an episode, was inspired by a conversation with my friend, Maddie, who has been featured on the podcast in the past. She mentioned this quote, and I told her how it perfectly and succinctly expresses a sentiment I have had for a few years now that began to form after having children, solidified after my last breakup, and crystallized during my dating journey. In other words, I'm a grown ass woman. Oh, language, language warning.
There are a couple of expletives, so I'm gonna need to put explicit an explicit notice on this episode. Just a couple of them. So if you happen to be listening with kids, there's gonna be a couple of them. Anyhoo, sorry. Back to what I was saying. She mentioned this quote, and I told her how it perfectly and succinctly expresses a sentiment that I have held for a few years now that began to form after having children, solidified after my last breakup, and crystallized during my dating journey. In other words, I am a grown ass woman and and a decent human being who it is difficult to shame because I have determined for myself my values, what is important to me, and what I am and am not proud of about myself.
This is based on two things. One, the way I have thought about this in my head is that I have birthed two whole humans and shit on a table in front of doctors, nurses, and my exes. So there is little you can do to make me feel ashamed of myself. Two, the opinions that matter to me are those of the people closest to me in my life and who I admire or who have expertise in the area for which I am being critiqued. This includes certain friends and family members and experts and professionals of various sorts, but it's a short list. For example, a doctor's opinion of my health or a certain aspect of my health, I may care very much about that. I'm less inclined to to care about their circum sorry. I'm less inclined to care about their criticisms on how I style my hair. Though it is very much appreciated if the doctor happens to like how my hair is styled, if they happen to share that they didn't like it and didn't understand why I styled it that way, this would in no way break me or deter me from wearing my hair in a style I enjoy.
They are not a hair expert or a person in my life who I am trying to impress with my appearance. I would care more about this criticism from a dating partner and even then, I'd have to be really into this person to give a fuck. This does not mean I am immune to or resistant to constructive criticism. I do not think I am always right and that everything I do is right. I care what my loved ones, especially my children, my romantic partner, my parents, my really close friends, and certain family members think of me. And I use their opinions of me as part of my moral and decision making compass, but the judgment of random people on the Internet or within society, as uncomfortable as it may be to hear them, they do little to impact my life choices.
That compass has been honed through what I have been taught by my parents and other caretakers, trusted teachers, both formal and informal, friends, life experiences, and through both mistakes and achievements I have made. This is what I embody in my soul and carrying my mind as a way of walking through my life. So when I interact with people, when I show up in spaces in real life, online, or any of that, this is what I'm working with. The the shame of crapping on a table in front of medical experts and my exes, I mean, there ain't much you can do to shame me because I have generally at the point in which you might bring up something that you think is shameful to me, one, you just may be completely wrong and it's not on my radar. Or two, it's something that I've made peace with. It's something that I have identified in myself that I might not be happy with and that I am working on changing or I've decided I'm not gonna change. Whatever decision I've made on it, I've already done it. I've already done that. So you're not able to bring to me your ideas of what I should be ashamed of. Because, again, how you feel I should live my life ultimately will only impact me if I decide to do it or not do it. So I encourage you to write a little, affirmation for yourself, a little idea of how you embody this idea of being shamed or made to feel bad for different life circumstances, choices, behaviors, etcetera, and to really hold that with you as you go through life and this dating journey. Alright. That's all for real now.
Alright. Alright. Alright. We're in a time crunch here. So it's 02:02, and I like to get myself ready and together around 02:30 to pick up the boys. And here I am, recording when I have the time. As you'll see, if you've watched last week's episode, I'm in the same outfit. No. Not because I wore the same outfit for a week and not because I put on this outfit for recording because I'm recording these episodes in the same day. Because, again, we are working with the time we have, busy mom, etcetera, etcetera. Right? I'm batching episodes. But this episode, which I'm recording the same day as a previous episode, but it comes out a week after the previous episode, is about the power of embracing your circumstances when dating.
What I mean here is I realize that the Internet will have us believing a lot of BS about why we can't or shouldn't date, why no one would wanna date us, this, that, and the third. By us, I'm referring to oftentimes women, over the age of 35, with kids, maybe black women, all of these things that if you are in certain parts of the Internet, it gets real nasty. I'm here to say this, that one of my key things is to empower women in their dating. There is too much disempowered dating going on for women where they kinda just accept whatever. They're like, oh, I don't know about this, all of that.
And I wanna be clear. There's a lot about dating that you can't control because it's about meeting humans and them behaving in certain ways, which none of us can control outside of ourself. Right? So that's really life. Like, when you're when you are going to engage with other people, it's gonna come with a a a fair amount of uncertainty. You can't control control another person. You can't make somebody do something you want them to do. So that part, that's it's above you. Right? But the parts that you can control, you can be more empowered by actually putting effort and intention into those things. So the way I planned this episode was kind of to use myself as an example of what I what I've experienced or what what I've what I've embraced about my circumstances, let's put it that way, and what I've done about that to date in the ways I wanted to date and date the people I wanted to date and then ultimately decide on, you know, entering the type of relationship I wanted to enter. Right? So let's just say we'll talk about my the challenges for my circumstances, the pros of my circumstances, what I chose to embrace about those circumstances, then what I identified I wanted to change, and what I prioritize in order to make those changes. Because I guess I would say those are kind of the steps that I would recommend taking, which is, first, you have to accept and acknowledge what your circumstances are. K? K? What that means about you personally as a person, your behavior, your, physical looks, your parenting child situation, your money and work circumstances, your housing circumstances, your health circumstances. I can go on on and on and on and on. Right? All these things are are aspects of our lives. Right? You start by acknowledging what those things are in your life and accepting them because then from there, you identify the things that you are happy with and don't want to change. You identify the things that maybe you'd like to make some shifts, but you are prepared to tolerate for a period of time because of x, y, and z. And then you would identify the things that you don't want that you don't aren't happy with and you do want to change. Right? Because you take those things and you start making a plan on how to work on shifting them. Maybe it's your fitness level. Maybe it's health related. Maybe it's money. Maybe it's parenting stuff, you name it. Maybe it's friend circle, family relationships, the state of your home. We can go on and on and on. Right?
But then the things that you identified you don't want to change or that you're happy with or content with or can tolerate, then you are then identifying the type of guys who are interested in that. Right? And then, ultimately, at the end of all this, you reassess if necessary. Let's say there are some things that you identified that you don't wanna change, whether it's because you're happy about them or you're just not prepared to change or shift them, you would I try to identify people who would who are interested in that. If you find or feel that you're not having much success there, maybe you reassess and decide, oh, maybe it would help for me to change this thing. Maybe it would help for me to shift this aspect of my life. But this is always a subjective assessment that we all have to do around what makes sense for us to compromise, what doesn't make sense for us to compromise. Right? So using myself as an example.
Back when I was dating, I would identify some of my challenges or what the Internet might say or what society might say some of my challenges in dating might be, were that I was over 35. I had two kids by two different fathers. I was mostly single parenting. Although both of my sons' fathers are in their lives, I definitely did the brunt of it. I had limited time available available to do things between work and parenting, and keeping a house, stuff like that. And I would say I was lower to moderate income. So these are things that could be considered hits against you. Some would say my race being black.
I personally don't see it as that because I, swim in the pools that wanted me and were interested. So that for me was just like a non it was like no. The pros. So like I just said, I acknowledge my circumstances in terms of things that might be considered as challenges. Right? I acknowledge them. I accepted them. I then identified what I feel were the pros of my circumstance. I had limited time, but it was flexible because I work from home and I worked in my own business. I, working from home was a pro. I'm educated. I'm ambitious. I think I look cute. Okay? So, again, beauty is an eye of the beholder. It's subjective, but I feel cute.
I was financially independent, and I had my own place. Now even in some of those pros sorry. I'm looking at a list. But even in some of those pros, I was financially independent, but I was also struggling financially doing it mostly on my own. Right? So there there, like, can be two sides to to some things. Right? But in identifying those challenges and the things that I felt I had going for me, I identified what do I want, what am I happy with, what don't I want to change, what and what can I tolerate versus, okay, here's what I like to change? So what I embraced ultimately, the things that you don't want to change are the things that you are embracing. Right? I embrace the fact that I was over 35, that I had two kids, my different fathers, that my time was flexible, that I felt cute, that, I had financial independence, that I was educated and ambitious.
So right there. Right? Not only was I not gonna be changing the fact that I'm 35 and have two kids and by thereby different dads, but quite frankly, that's those are core parts of of me as a person. So I honestly wasn't looking to change them. But that does mean that I needed to be out there seeking guys who were interested in that, which as an example, with, the type of guy that was not good for me to be looking into was a 20 year old who didn't wanna have kids. Even if he might have been and we might even be able to go out and have a good time, I knew that that was not going to be a reasonable life partner for me. So I just vetted those guys out from the beginning in order to save myself a lot of pain, strife, frustration, and annoyance. Because to be clear, there could have been 20 year olds who were looking to have a good time and wanted to date me, but I knew that that wasn't gonna turn out well on my end of things because I have my two kids. And one of the things on my ideal partner list was someone who I partnered with needed to be good with kids preferably, honestly, have their own kids. I personally preferred a guy who had a child or two himself, but I will get to all of that. So those are things that I identified not planning to change, not trying to change, can't change.
Okay. But then there were things that I identified I wanted to change about my my circumstances. So I wanted to struggle less financially, make more money, save more, change my spending habits, be able to invest. It's all the things that would be considered financial thriving. I wanted I wanted that, and I was not necessarily experiencing that. I wanted to sorry. Where am I? I wanted to have a career shift. I was doing therapy, still am doing therapy, love doing therapy, shout out to my clients, but I also wanted to build a coaching business for women around dating and breakups. So that was something that I wanted to be different.
I wanted, to change the fact that I had limited time slash support for my kids. So I made the most of the time I had, but the reality was that I was working for myself and had to show up, you know, to my session sessions to get paid. That might mean I rushed to get dinner on the table for the kids and would go into, like, my, my my space to do my sessions while they're out, out, you know, eating, which I would have I do like to be able to sit with them and stuff like that. You know, it meant that, that I sometimes had less time to clean up the house or do things that I wanted to do when it came to that because I need to make sure I'm tending to the kids or in a work session or going grocery shopping or things like that. So that was a circumstance I did want to change.
And then I wanted to also change my living situation eventually. I was in my own place, and we loved our little place. But it was our little place that I knew I wanted more space, for my boys and me as, you know, they grew and stuff like that. So those are just some of the things that I identified I did want to change and wanted to be different, which meant I had to identify what I was going to prioritize in order to change my circumstances. Right? So, when it came to the dating space, right, because I'm talking about embracing your circumstances as of empowering you in your dating experience. Right? Acknowledging here are my circumstances. Here are the things about it that I'm not changing, don't wanna change, can't change. Here are the things that I am interested in changing. Okay. Well, then what do I prioritize?
So for me, one of the things I was prioritizing with the limited time I had between work and kids and all that, time for dates. I knew that if my romantic circumstance was going to change, I was going to need to prioritize engaging with people for for romantic purposes. So making time for dates was a priority for me. My fitness was a priority priority for me. One for feeling good and looking good for myself, being able to show up for my kids as best as possible, but also out in dating That was only going to in in in, increase, the likelihood of interest from people who I was interested in and stuff like that.
And then my time with my kids in a very, like, a structured way. Because I had limited time, I would identify activities or things we could do that would get us that quality time, but sometimes it was for a specific time period because I knew I had to, like, plan out how I spent my time for other things. So I prioritize the idea of, like, oh, this, maybe this festival is going on, so let's do that Because I know that this week, I have all these sessions, these evening sessions. I'm not gonna be able to sit with them at dinner the way I want to. Right? So these were the things that I decided to prioritize in order to, start trying to make shifts to things that I wanted to change. Another one actually was, you know, with wanting to build a coaching business, I had to decide that there were times where I sat down and did work on that even though I, might rather be sleeping or going out or, doing something with the kids, right? It was always a juggling thing, right? I didn't always neglect time with the kids in order to do work stuff but sometimes I chose a work thing instead of the time with the kids in order to try to build where I need sometimes I chose a work thing instead of the time with the kids in order to try to build where I needed to get to. I didn't always, you know, neglect going out with friends in order to, whatever, clean the house, but sometimes that's what I needed to do. Like, it's always, you know, a juggling thing with dates, right? Sometimes I prioritize making the time for the date. Sometimes I prioritize the time with the kids or doing a work session instead of going out on the date. This is a constant assessment. I want to be clear about this, but it is important for you to identify what you need and want to do. So what I'm getting at here is, let's say, you're an over 35 year old woman with children, and there are other aspects of your life that you are not, that some might consider to be challenges or that you're not fully content with. Right? You need to acknowledge and accept that they exist.
You need to identify what parts of these can change and that you want to change versus the ones that can't change or that you don't wanna change. And then you need to then you need to identify, so this is where I wanna get to, the type of guy who'd be interested in that. So for instance, my ideal partner list listed, a man who was within my age range. I preferred guys older than me, quite frankly, but I would say my age and, you know, up to I don't know. May it might have been eight, 10 years old or something like that, my preference. Right? But I knew that set me up to be more likely to have a guy who had lived some life, to be more likely to have a guy who had had kids and maybe is done having kids because I knew I was done having kids. So I preferred him to already have kids or definitely at least know he didn't want to have, kids or any more kids.
Again, I want him to be my age or older. I wanted him to be happy in an established career, ideally, that he enjoyed and liked. I am trying to think of things that speak to what might be considered challenges for me. So being over 35 and dating guys who are 35 or older, that that made sense. Having two kids and dating a guy who already had who had kids as well, also, that made sense. Let's see. The fact that I was mostly single parenting. Right? That can be seen as a a a hit, by some guys. You're like, oh, well, like, am I gonna be supporting them financially, or does she have the time to shave with this? And these were things where those are my circumstances.
Right? And my kids were with me most of the time. Right? So I was a person who was organized about my schedule and my time. I'm like, okay. I know my kids are in school from this time to this time. I know that this is the time frame that I have. So when I set up, dates, I'd be like, you know, I'd aim for, like, again, some daytime stuff. Or if it was gonna be during a time where my kids would be be at home, I would be working on childcare options, or I would, be intentional about scheduling dates on the weekend where, like, my younger son always went with his dad on the weekends. My older son would, sometimes go, and so I'd reach out and be like, hey. Is this a weekend where you, where you want to have him, where he can be with you? And then I would block multiple dates in that time period, like or make that that my cleaning time or I'm going out with friends. But what I'm saying is it had to be intentional, planned, organized.
And, and when I was looking for guys to date, I was factoring in, you know, do they have a life of their own so they're not constantly needing me to be with them around them and needing my time and energy? Because if they need that, I don't have that for them. Right? Not the guy for me to date. So what I'm getting at is you're being intentional of, like, what what is the the profile of a person who would meet my circumstances from the financial standpoint. Right? So I was caring for myself, but it was definitely hard, and I was struggling. And so for me, one of the things was I did want a partner who made more money than me. But I was also on the pro side for me. I was coming from, handling my own bills, doing my, therapy business, being an ambitious person. So my thought being that even though I am seeking someone who is, more financially abundant than me, I'm I'm not seeing it as it's a hit against me. Right? Because they're seeing all of these things that I possess in terms of the fact that I'm caring for myself, and I am moving towards other things, greater, bigger things financially. Right? So, that's one of the things Josh told me. Like, you know, as we got together, he was like, the fact that you had told me that you were intentionally working on changing some of your spending habits and saving habits was appealing to me. Mind you, I was not where I want to be financially, you know, yet.
And yet that, I was embracing that circumstance and acknowledging the things that I wanted to prioritize in order to be where I wanted to be, and therefore was it it it was not this, like, hit against me, you know, on the on the dating market. So all I'm getting at is start from where you are, identify and accept that, or accept those circumstances that this is what it is. And then look at and say, here's what I'm cool with or here's what I'm gonna have to be cool with, and here's where I can make some shifts and some changes. Right? So is it that I'm what I'm needing to, consider getting a second job to to do? So that's one of the things. I mean, if you listen back to some episodes in the podcast, I had an episode where I said, I'm making some choices and some shifts to, like, get some things done that I wanna get done. So I decided after many years of just working for myself to go work for an agency.
And I I started that job just as I met Josh, and we started dating and then deciding to be official. And I ended up sending a year at that job before we agreed I would quit the job because of the stress it was causing this, that, and the third. But what I'm getting at is I got to a point where it's like, okay. This struggle that I'm that I'm living financially, it's got to shift and it's got to change, which meant, of course. Right? I'm like, now I'm going back to an agency job where my time is less flexible than what I've been used to over these years, it will limit my time more in some ways with the kids. Like, there were all these things I had to consider, and this goes back to my point of what you choose to prioritize in order to make the changes you wanna make. I needed to make more money.
So I was prioritizing the fact that, that, okay. I'm gonna get an agency job. It means I'm less flexible on my time. It means, you know, how you know, rearranging how I fit in dating and things like that. But in me making choices like that, at the point in which I met Josh, he was able to see that I was somebody who was, again, ambitious, making the sacrifices I felt made sense for me to make in order to get to achieve some of the things I wanted to achieve. And that ended up being a very big plus for me in dating.
He ex expressed that he, you know, appreciated that. Right? So what I'm getting at is upon me deciding, alright. I'm a 35 year old with two kids and, doing a lot of the parenting on my own and trying to make it work financially. Boom. That's what it is. Right? Here are the things that I'd like to, like, that I would like to shift and be different. Okay. I wanna make some career shifts. I wanna improve my finances. I want to, eventually be in a bigger place for my boys. I want to be able to have more time for them. What what am I going to do to work toward those things? But, also, who am I going to even spend my time attempting to date is what I'm really getting at here.
Because, yes, if you are a 35 year old woman with kids, let's just use an example. If you're 35 year old, black women woman with kids and you are swimming in dating pools of the of, I don't know, this twenty twenty eight year old guy who's like, you know, women 30 are washed up, and, I don't want kids, and I'm not really into black girls. You're in the wrong dating pool. By the but in that case, it it's not gonna be you're not gonna be enjoying yourself very much. You're not gonna be very, efficient, successful, empowered in your dating experience because you're swimming in the wrong pools.
But there are plenty of guys out there, particularly on Hinge, I will say, who were interested in an over 35 year old with two kids who was doing stuff for herself and trying to make it work and wasn't quite where she wanted to be yet but was still working on it. They exist. And so embrace your circumstances. Identify what you want to keep the same. Identify what you want to change. Identify the type of guys who are into that and working on the things you're wanting to shift so that you're only showing up bigger and better, and then reassess if you need to. If you had been very set on, oh, no. I absolutely am not gonna date a guy who is, you know, let's say, five years older than me, or I'm absolutely not gonna date a guy of a different race than me, or I'm absolutely not gonna date a guy who has a kid, all of these sort of things. I wanna be clear because the Internet will tell you that you need to shift these. I'm not absolutely saying you need to shift those those expectations or standards. Not at all. I am saying that upon you doing these things that I mentioned, like identifying what you want to keep the same, what you want to change and trying it out and seeing how it goes, maybe you decide to reassess and say, oh, well, what if I decided that I do date the guys that meet these things on my list, but they have a kid?
What might that shift for me? Right? What if I did decide, I do date somebody of a different race even though I never have before and I haven't thought I'd be interested, but he meets these other things. What might happen? What if I decide to date a guy who is a year or two older than the the age cap that I had put on? What maybe happens? Right? Because at that point, what do you have to lose? So embrace your circumstances, identify what you don't want to change or can change, identify what you do want to change, identify what you're gonna prioritize in order to make those changes, identify the type of guys who would be interested in the things, the unchangeables, the things that you can't or won't change. Right? And reassess if necessary. Alright. There we go.
Alright. So this is a little add on to this episode. I after recording this episode and editing it, I came across my notes for a podcast episode that I apparently had planned to record, and I realized that it speaks directly to this topic of embracing your circumstances. So I'm literally going to read what I typed up. So it's almost like a little, I don't know, speech, a little letter. And I just wanted to add it because it applies directly to this topic. I would also say, that it I don't know. I kind of encourage you to write something like this for yourself in a journal.
It's it's like a an affirmation and a validation to yourself, and this is a little length a little lengthy. So in terms of, an affirmation that you might be able to say to yourself each day, you might wanna take, a summary or a couple of sentences from what you write. But start by just writing it all out, and you'll get a sense of what I mean when I read what I've written about my philosophy on my life circumstances or the things I do or the the behaviors I do or the the generally, the way I live my life. I have leaned into this idea of living my life unapologetically.
That not mean and that not meaning that I'm perfect or that I don't have things to change or that I I can't make mistakes, but really generally moving through what I have left of my life, which is really unknown, in a way in which I feel content and am not stifled down by people's thoughts and opinions and, oftentimes, incorrect thoughts or opinions about my life and, ultimately, a life that only I can live and walk in and walk through just like everyone else's life is individually theirs, and they have to live with the positive and negative consequences of anything they do. So living a life on someone else's terms or by their restrictions doesn't tend to benefit us. So I'm just going to, read this.
So here is a quote by Audre Lorde. Nothing I accept about myself can be used against me to diminish me. This episode, when I was going to make it an episode, was inspired by a conversation with my friend, Maddie, who has been featured on the podcast in the past. She mentioned this quote, and I told her how it perfectly and succinctly expresses a sentiment I have had for a few years now that began to form after having children, solidified after my last breakup, and crystallized during my dating journey. In other words, I'm a grown ass woman. Oh, language, language warning.
There are a couple of expletives, so I'm gonna need to put explicit an explicit notice on this episode. Just a couple of them. So if you happen to be listening with kids, there's gonna be a couple of them. Anyhoo, sorry. Back to what I was saying. She mentioned this quote, and I told her how it perfectly and succinctly expresses a sentiment that I have held for a few years now that began to form after having children, solidified after my last breakup, and crystallized during my dating journey. In other words, I am a grown ass woman and and a decent human being who it is difficult to shame because I have determined for myself my values, what is important to me, and what I am and am not proud of about myself.
This is based on two things. One, the way I have thought about this in my head is that I have birthed two whole humans and shit on a table in front of doctors, nurses, and my exes. So there is little you can do to make me feel ashamed of myself. Two, the opinions that matter to me are those of the people closest to me in my life and who I admire or who have expertise in the area for which I am being critiqued. This includes certain friends and family members and experts and professionals of various sorts, but it's a short list. For example, a doctor's opinion of my health or a certain aspect of my health, I may care very much about that. I'm less inclined to to care about their circum sorry. I'm less inclined to care about their criticisms on how I style my hair. Though it is very much appreciated if the doctor happens to like how my hair is styled, if they happen to share that they didn't like it and didn't understand why I styled it that way, this would in no way break me or deter me from wearing my hair in a style I enjoy.
They are not a hair expert or a person in my life who I am trying to impress with my appearance. I would care more about this criticism from a dating partner and even then, I'd have to be really into this person to give a fuck. This does not mean I am immune to or resistant to constructive criticism. I do not think I am always right and that everything I do is right. I care what my loved ones, especially my children, my romantic partner, my parents, my really close friends, and certain family members think of me. And I use their opinions of me as part of my moral and decision making compass, but the judgment of random people on the Internet or within society, as uncomfortable as it may be to hear them, they do little to impact my life choices.
That compass has been honed through what I have been taught by my parents and other caretakers, trusted teachers, both formal and informal, friends, life experiences, and through both mistakes and achievements I have made. This is what I embody in my soul and carrying my mind as a way of walking through my life. So when I interact with people, when I show up in spaces in real life, online, or any of that, this is what I'm working with. The the shame of crapping on a table in front of medical experts and my exes, I mean, there ain't much you can do to shame me because I have generally at the point in which you might bring up something that you think is shameful to me, one, you just may be completely wrong and it's not on my radar. Or two, it's something that I've made peace with. It's something that I have identified in myself that I might not be happy with and that I am working on changing or I've decided I'm not gonna change. Whatever decision I've made on it, I've already done it. I've already done that. So you're not able to bring to me your ideas of what I should be ashamed of. Because, again, how you feel I should live my life ultimately will only impact me if I decide to do it or not do it. So I encourage you to write a little, affirmation for yourself, a little idea of how you embody this idea of being shamed or made to feel bad for different life circumstances, choices, behaviors, etcetera, and to really hold that with you as you go through life and this dating journey. Alright. That's all for real now.
Introduction and Time Management
Embracing Circumstances in Dating
Personal Experiences and Challenges
Identifying Pros and Cons
Prioritizing Changes and Dating Strategy
Empowerment Through Acceptance
Affirmation and Living Unapologetically
