This episode was inspired by a recent conversation that I had with a woman who asked the age old question, "why do I attract X type of guys?". I had some thoughts!
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In today's episode, I am talking about vetting funnels. So this has to do with well, this this topic came up as an idea for a podcast episode based on a recent conversation that I had with a woman who asked a very common question, why do I attract x type of guy? And it got me into this whole conversation about this idea of who we attract and why or how. My my main thing is this idea that anyone can attract any type of person initially. Right? Meaning, like, if it's just somebody who you see, you know, whatever, at a bar, at a grocery store, whatever. If they if there's any physical attraction, we can attract a guy who turns out to be, to this person's point, to this woman's point, emotion emotionally unavailable and, or financially irresponsible.
Also, sorry. Side note. I sound a little funny today because I had my wisdom tooth taken out a few days ago, and I'm still recovering. So my speech is a little off. Anyway, so my what I, you know, said to her was we I mean, anybody can attract someone who's emotionally unavailable and financially irresponsible because these are not things that you know about someone immediately. These are not things that you know about someone when you first come across them on a dating app or when they slide into your DMs or when you say hi to them or they say hi to you, you know, out in public. Right?
So it's this idea of, like, I always attract this type of guy, I think is very disempowering to us, to people, to women, and it it takes a more passive approach, than would than really exist. You actually have more power. I talk about this with women all the time. We have more power than we give ourselves credit for in the dating world. Yes. It sucks when you meet guys who are wasting your time, who don't have their stuff together, all of these things. But the reality is, nope. You can't make somebody be something, but you can absolutely determine who you give your time and energy to. So anybody can attract a guy who they come to find out is emotionally unavailable, financially irresponsible, abusive.
Insert any of the things, any of the qualities or traits you wouldn't want. Right? But it's about what you choose to do upon finding that information out. Do you still choose to entertain that person to give them your time and energy? And the answer so oftentimes is yes. And that can be for many reasons. But one major reason is because you are not dating that person in a way to find out helpful information before you are emotionally attached to that person. And I wanna be clear. There is I mean, we're talking about humans and human behavior and emotions, so there is not some just solid objective rule that's going to guarantee that you are not attached to somebody, you know, by the time you find out information, that's not helpful. By no means. I'm not sitting here guaranteeing that. But I am sitting here saying there are things to do and not do to lessen the likelihood of being so attached to somebody that it that you don't let go of them or it is very hard to let go of them by the time you find out other information.
So say that to say, this got me into a conversation with, this person around, like, vetting funnels, and it was something that came to me as I was in conversation with her. But this idea that the most we can do like, we want to we want to focus on the things we can control. Right? So some you cannot control who a guy ends up being, how he behaves, or any of that. You can do your best to put yourself in situations and positions to be more likely to meet the type of guys that you want to date. So we were talking about this idea of financial responsibility and emotional availability. And it was like, those are two character or two, like, aspects of a person that are in different pots.
Financial responsibility is more of a practical behavioral thing. Emotional availability is a emotional mental health thing. Alright? And you are more likely to, for the the a practical thing like financial responsibility, you are a little more likely to see that earlier on than may maybe someone's emotional availability. And, of course, this can shift, obviously. But what I mean here is I'm thinking of, like, this idea of coming to find out that somebody is not emotionally available in the ways you need or want them to be. Might be something that you find a little later on in the process than how that person spends their money or what their money circumstance how their money circumstances look. And I do wanna be clear. We differentiate it between someone being necessarily financially secure even. Like so financially responsible being being more about how you handle your money, paying your bills on time, saving, how you spend your money, and not necessarily it being about the amount of money you have. But but I made the point that when we are looking at putting ourselves in positions to be most likely to meet the type of people that we want to meet, this idea of amount of money does come into play.
But so what I explained about vetting funnels is that we part of this conversation was, like, her asking, like, where do like, how do I even meet people? Like, where do I go and things like that? And if you listen to a recent episode of the podcast, I talked about, your social buckets. So this very much was that that was a part of this conversation. I was like, think of I was like, you know, create your ideal partner list always step one. Step one, ladies, always create your ideal partner list. And then identify places and spaces that that person is likely to spend their time, and you go to those places and spaces.
That is virtually online places and spaces. That is in person places and spaces. So that's certain online groups and and websites and things like that, but it's also in person places. And so I talked about this idea of, yes, financial responsibility and financial, let's say, abundance or security, like having a lot of money are two different things. You can find somebody who makes a lot of money and is horrible with their finances. You can meet someone who doesn't make a lot of money and is really good with how they manage their money. But I was like, you're at the beginning when you're at the beginning stages of trying to date someone, you start by just where can I where am I more more likely to find this person versus this person? So we talked about this idea of, bars and stuff like that. And one of the things she said, she's like, oh, yeah. I know, like, a bar is not a good place to meet, people. At this point, if someone, offers give like, ask for my number at a bar, I don't even bother talking to them. I was like, I I get your point because your experience has been meeting a bunch of guys at bars who turned out to, again, be, you know, financially irresponsible and or emotionally unavailable. I was like, but I was like, I like to think I'm a pretty decent person, and I like a good bar myself. Now the types of bars you're going to are going to attract certain crowds, generally speaking.
So it was like, one of the things you can do to increase the likelihood of meeting someone who and now listen to me carefully when I say this, who makes a certain amount of money so that you can then funnel, you know, vet out and get into a funnel of those who might be responsible with that money. Though the way to increase the likelihood of that are to go to bars and lounges that cater to a clientele that makes more money, which is to say, it does not automatically mean that this person is going to be financially responsible. Also doesn't automatically mean that they'll be emotionally available, but, again, that's that's a little farther down the line here. What I'm getting at is you start with this wider, bigger funnel of going to bars, restaurants, establishments, events that are going to cater to people or be more likely to have people who have a certain amount of of money or are more financially secure.
You meet some people there, and then you're gonna find of those people, there's gonna become a smaller funnel of those who actually spend their money well, save their money well, manage their money well. Right? And this is stuff that you'll be learning about a person as you are dating them, going on dates with them, talking with them, doing things with them, getting an understanding of their values, philosophies, thoughts, behaviors. Right? You're also going to be learning about their emotional availability or lack thereof as you are dating them. So this also brings in the idea of the importance of dating. Just a lot of tenants that I talk about all the time. You need to date. You need to casually date. You need to do an ideal partner list. You need to get outside and be online, increasing your likelihood of meeting people.
And you need to empower yourself. You need to be, I guess, more proactive in your own, process, which is to say, it's not just, oh, I attract these type of people. You can attract all the types of people, but who you give your time and energy to is what ultimately matters. What you don't get to escape in dating, and I know we so want to, is the frustration, the annoyance, the the pain of meeting people who are not right for you or not particularly good guys. But what you do get to do is control your time and energy and attention and say, oh, you know what I realized?
No. I this doesn't work for me. You are very financially irresponsible, and that's not something that works for me. That's not on my ideal partner list. You don't want the same thing that that I want in terms of a romantic relationship, so that doesn't work for me. And if you are dating a person and ideally, again, casually dating a couple of people in the early phases of dating someone, then you are going to be lessening the likelihood of getting too emotional so emotionally attached to that person that by the time you find these things out, it's a much harder thing to pull away. And like I said, there is no foolproof meth method here. Not at all. But there are definitely things that you can intentionally do and not do to help yourself out.
So what I am saying is this idea of, why do I attract this type of person is a fair thing to feel and be like, oh my gosh. It's annoying and frustrating because wouldn't it be nice if it's just the people I met, the guys I met were, you know, checked off my boxes? That'd be great. But oh, well. That's not how this works necessarily. But you can become better and better at vetting the guys you meet to determine if it if they're worth your time and energy. And I like to think of this in terms of vetting funnels. I'm gonna go to the places where I'm more likely to meet the type of guy that I have identified on my ideal partner list. Then I'm going to, you know, funnel the guys I meet into smaller and smaller funnels.
So I might go somewhere where it's like, oh, yeah. He's a he seems like he'd be a financially secure guy. Or I might go to a place where, like, I like, you know, outdoorsy things, and so I'm, you know, part of a hiking club. So he checks the box that he's into hiking. That's wonderful. But now does he check the box that, yeah, he's financially responsible? Does he check the box that he's emotionally available? Does he check the box that he is thoughtful and considerate? I mean, you start funneling down more and more and more. But you first put yourself in the places and spaces where you're most likely to meet people who match some of those more practical outward things that you can learn about someone quickly and easily, the types of hobbies they do, things like that. So this was just my word to you about empowering yourself, feeling more empowered, in your dating process, recognizing that you have more power in this process than you may realize, and letting giving yourself more agency when we think about who we attract and think of it thinking of it more as anybody can attract any type of person, but not just anybody sticks with just any type of person.
You vet in and out of your dating pool who you give your time, energy, and attention to. And you go to places where you're most likely to meet certain types of people, and you funnel from there.
In today's episode, I am talking about vetting funnels. So this has to do with well, this this topic came up as an idea for a podcast episode based on a recent conversation that I had with a woman who asked a very common question, why do I attract x type of guy? And it got me into this whole conversation about this idea of who we attract and why or how. My my main thing is this idea that anyone can attract any type of person initially. Right? Meaning, like, if it's just somebody who you see, you know, whatever, at a bar, at a grocery store, whatever. If they if there's any physical attraction, we can attract a guy who turns out to be, to this person's point, to this woman's point, emotion emotionally unavailable and, or financially irresponsible.
Also, sorry. Side note. I sound a little funny today because I had my wisdom tooth taken out a few days ago, and I'm still recovering. So my speech is a little off. Anyway, so my what I, you know, said to her was we I mean, anybody can attract someone who's emotionally unavailable and financially irresponsible because these are not things that you know about someone immediately. These are not things that you know about someone when you first come across them on a dating app or when they slide into your DMs or when you say hi to them or they say hi to you, you know, out in public. Right?
So it's this idea of, like, I always attract this type of guy, I think is very disempowering to us, to people, to women, and it it takes a more passive approach, than would than really exist. You actually have more power. I talk about this with women all the time. We have more power than we give ourselves credit for in the dating world. Yes. It sucks when you meet guys who are wasting your time, who don't have their stuff together, all of these things. But the reality is, nope. You can't make somebody be something, but you can absolutely determine who you give your time and energy to. So anybody can attract a guy who they come to find out is emotionally unavailable, financially irresponsible, abusive.
Insert any of the things, any of the qualities or traits you wouldn't want. Right? But it's about what you choose to do upon finding that information out. Do you still choose to entertain that person to give them your time and energy? And the answer so oftentimes is yes. And that can be for many reasons. But one major reason is because you are not dating that person in a way to find out helpful information before you are emotionally attached to that person. And I wanna be clear. There is I mean, we're talking about humans and human behavior and emotions, so there is not some just solid objective rule that's going to guarantee that you are not attached to somebody, you know, by the time you find out information, that's not helpful. By no means. I'm not sitting here guaranteeing that. But I am sitting here saying there are things to do and not do to lessen the likelihood of being so attached to somebody that it that you don't let go of them or it is very hard to let go of them by the time you find out other information.
So say that to say, this got me into a conversation with, this person around, like, vetting funnels, and it was something that came to me as I was in conversation with her. But this idea that the most we can do like, we want to we want to focus on the things we can control. Right? So some you cannot control who a guy ends up being, how he behaves, or any of that. You can do your best to put yourself in situations and positions to be more likely to meet the type of guys that you want to date. So we were talking about this idea of financial responsibility and emotional availability. And it was like, those are two character or two, like, aspects of a person that are in different pots.
Financial responsibility is more of a practical behavioral thing. Emotional availability is a emotional mental health thing. Alright? And you are more likely to, for the the a practical thing like financial responsibility, you are a little more likely to see that earlier on than may maybe someone's emotional availability. And, of course, this can shift, obviously. But what I mean here is I'm thinking of, like, this idea of coming to find out that somebody is not emotionally available in the ways you need or want them to be. Might be something that you find a little later on in the process than how that person spends their money or what their money circumstance how their money circumstances look. And I do wanna be clear. We differentiate it between someone being necessarily financially secure even. Like so financially responsible being being more about how you handle your money, paying your bills on time, saving, how you spend your money, and not necessarily it being about the amount of money you have. But but I made the point that when we are looking at putting ourselves in positions to be most likely to meet the type of people that we want to meet, this idea of amount of money does come into play.
But so what I explained about vetting funnels is that we part of this conversation was, like, her asking, like, where do like, how do I even meet people? Like, where do I go and things like that? And if you listen to a recent episode of the podcast, I talked about, your social buckets. So this very much was that that was a part of this conversation. I was like, think of I was like, you know, create your ideal partner list always step one. Step one, ladies, always create your ideal partner list. And then identify places and spaces that that person is likely to spend their time, and you go to those places and spaces.
That is virtually online places and spaces. That is in person places and spaces. So that's certain online groups and and websites and things like that, but it's also in person places. And so I talked about this idea of, yes, financial responsibility and financial, let's say, abundance or security, like having a lot of money are two different things. You can find somebody who makes a lot of money and is horrible with their finances. You can meet someone who doesn't make a lot of money and is really good with how they manage their money. But I was like, you're at the beginning when you're at the beginning stages of trying to date someone, you start by just where can I where am I more more likely to find this person versus this person? So we talked about this idea of, bars and stuff like that. And one of the things she said, she's like, oh, yeah. I know, like, a bar is not a good place to meet, people. At this point, if someone, offers give like, ask for my number at a bar, I don't even bother talking to them. I was like, I I get your point because your experience has been meeting a bunch of guys at bars who turned out to, again, be, you know, financially irresponsible and or emotionally unavailable. I was like, but I was like, I like to think I'm a pretty decent person, and I like a good bar myself. Now the types of bars you're going to are going to attract certain crowds, generally speaking.
So it was like, one of the things you can do to increase the likelihood of meeting someone who and now listen to me carefully when I say this, who makes a certain amount of money so that you can then funnel, you know, vet out and get into a funnel of those who might be responsible with that money. Though the way to increase the likelihood of that are to go to bars and lounges that cater to a clientele that makes more money, which is to say, it does not automatically mean that this person is going to be financially responsible. Also doesn't automatically mean that they'll be emotionally available, but, again, that's that's a little farther down the line here. What I'm getting at is you start with this wider, bigger funnel of going to bars, restaurants, establishments, events that are going to cater to people or be more likely to have people who have a certain amount of of money or are more financially secure.
You meet some people there, and then you're gonna find of those people, there's gonna become a smaller funnel of those who actually spend their money well, save their money well, manage their money well. Right? And this is stuff that you'll be learning about a person as you are dating them, going on dates with them, talking with them, doing things with them, getting an understanding of their values, philosophies, thoughts, behaviors. Right? You're also going to be learning about their emotional availability or lack thereof as you are dating them. So this also brings in the idea of the importance of dating. Just a lot of tenants that I talk about all the time. You need to date. You need to casually date. You need to do an ideal partner list. You need to get outside and be online, increasing your likelihood of meeting people.
And you need to empower yourself. You need to be, I guess, more proactive in your own, process, which is to say, it's not just, oh, I attract these type of people. You can attract all the types of people, but who you give your time and energy to is what ultimately matters. What you don't get to escape in dating, and I know we so want to, is the frustration, the annoyance, the the pain of meeting people who are not right for you or not particularly good guys. But what you do get to do is control your time and energy and attention and say, oh, you know what I realized?
No. I this doesn't work for me. You are very financially irresponsible, and that's not something that works for me. That's not on my ideal partner list. You don't want the same thing that that I want in terms of a romantic relationship, so that doesn't work for me. And if you are dating a person and ideally, again, casually dating a couple of people in the early phases of dating someone, then you are going to be lessening the likelihood of getting too emotional so emotionally attached to that person that by the time you find these things out, it's a much harder thing to pull away. And like I said, there is no foolproof meth method here. Not at all. But there are definitely things that you can intentionally do and not do to help yourself out.
So what I am saying is this idea of, why do I attract this type of person is a fair thing to feel and be like, oh my gosh. It's annoying and frustrating because wouldn't it be nice if it's just the people I met, the guys I met were, you know, checked off my boxes? That'd be great. But oh, well. That's not how this works necessarily. But you can become better and better at vetting the guys you meet to determine if it if they're worth your time and energy. And I like to think of this in terms of vetting funnels. I'm gonna go to the places where I'm more likely to meet the type of guy that I have identified on my ideal partner list. Then I'm going to, you know, funnel the guys I meet into smaller and smaller funnels.
So I might go somewhere where it's like, oh, yeah. He's a he seems like he'd be a financially secure guy. Or I might go to a place where, like, I like, you know, outdoorsy things, and so I'm, you know, part of a hiking club. So he checks the box that he's into hiking. That's wonderful. But now does he check the box that, yeah, he's financially responsible? Does he check the box that he's emotionally available? Does he check the box that he is thoughtful and considerate? I mean, you start funneling down more and more and more. But you first put yourself in the places and spaces where you're most likely to meet people who match some of those more practical outward things that you can learn about someone quickly and easily, the types of hobbies they do, things like that. So this was just my word to you about empowering yourself, feeling more empowered, in your dating process, recognizing that you have more power in this process than you may realize, and letting giving yourself more agency when we think about who we attract and think of it thinking of it more as anybody can attract any type of person, but not just anybody sticks with just any type of person.
You vet in and out of your dating pool who you give your time, energy, and attention to. And you go to places where you're most likely to meet certain types of people, and you funnel from there.
