The Bitter to Better Podcast

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In this episode I discuss the importance of filling your social buckets through intentionally participating in a variety of social events and putting yourself in different social environments. In summary, you must go outside to date successfully. 

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Ep. 15: How to EFFECTIVELY Use Dating Apps https://spotifycreators-web.app.link/e/XeGtC7Q7uTb
Ep. 24: Cesspools or Infinity Pools: Which Are You Swimming In? https://spotifycreators-web.app.link/e/v8XM9aX7uTb

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Hey. Hey. Welcome to another episode of the Bitter to Better podcast. Disclaimer.   My five year old is running around and may interrupt.   If that happens,   I will stop recording, most likely, and edit it out or maybe not depending on what it is, but this is what you get on the Better to Better podcast. So in the vein of me getting this pad podcast back up and running, I've told myself I'm just gonna hit record on my computer   and get into these episodes.   So today's episode is about social event buckets, which I will explain, but this is in the realm of dating. So you probably hear him in the background now.   This is in the realm of dating.  

This goes into things around, like, dating pools.   So there is an episode that I will link in the show notes,   that I've already done around,   cesspools   versus in infinity pools. So this is about the quality of your dating so that episode, the cesspools   infinity pools episode is about the quality of your dating pools. You can have dating pools that are too small, that are too limited,   that don't have the people in them that match your ideal partner, all of that.   So that episode is related a little bit to this, but this episode,   social event buckets,   is more about just concrete,   advice   and ideas   around   what to do socially in order to meet people who could be potential dating partners.  

I imagine it will be a pretty short episode because it's kinda straight to the point   of just getting to some ideas. But I guess I'll start with   just kind of the philosophy around   socializing and meeting people in terms   of increasing the likelihood   of you coming into contact with   men to date.   So this is one of the biggest reasons why I encourage online dating   because I don't   I'm not recommending that online dating be the only way you date, but I am highly recommending that it'd be one of the ways you date because   it can be   a semi passive way to be meeting people. And I say semi passive because you do need to be on the apps actually using them and engaging with people to make have them be effective.  

But, also, by having a profile and just making sure you go on there every now and then, you have this thing running in the background where people can DM you. You know, they can message you, and you, you know, have this directory   of people to choose from. And speaking of dating apps being being a directory, I have an episode on how to effectively use dating apps. I will probably link that one as well because it is very important to understand that dating apps are a almost like a phone book to be able to meet people and see who who exist, and and then you have to actually go out and date them. That means getting off the app and going in person, which relates to some of what I'm saying here, which is being social and going out and physically meeting people. So,   I just pretty much wanna talk about,   the idea that   oh, and in the background, you're probably hearing,   my fiance,   hanging up a picture that I have asked him to hang up.  

And I joked and told him that I would come on the podcast and talk about how I need to,   release control, and I don't like it because I'm having him hang it up without me being there to let him know if it's in the exact perfect place, but   I will just have to deal with that later. Anyway, see? This is what happens when I just press play.   So,   oh, the idea what's important when it comes to your,   you know, increasing the likelihood of being able to meet guys is you wanna kinda be you know, you wanna have a a variety of things   that you are doing or engaging in   in order to open up the opportunity to meet people.  

Because for instance, in this day and age, the average adult   can live a pretty limited   lifestyle   in terms of opportunities to meet new people.   Many people work from home, and you can do just about everything you need to do from home.   So that means   you can be working from home, homeschooling your kids,   banking from home, getting,   groceries delivered,   doing mail services from home, you name it. If you wanted to live a fully insular   life, you really could.   And so the average adult,   when you think about where they are frequenting,   they are at their house. If they are a parent, they maybe are taking their kids to school, maybe dropping them off in the car, pick up and drop off lane, so not necessarily getting a whole bunch of interaction with other parents.  

They are maybe going to the grocery store.   A lot of people aren't physically going into a bank.   I mean,   you have to actually very intentionally   get yourself   out into the world.   So these are just some suggestions for doing that.   But that means that   the perfect guy for you isn't just gonna magically appear. And as I always say to people,   if a man walked up to your front door, rang the doorbell, and said, I'm here. I'm your perfect guy, the guy for you, you would probably call the police because that'd be a little creepy, wouldn't it? So my point is he's not magically going to just appear and walk to your door. You need to get out,   whether that's first looking at apps and then going out on dates or that's getting out and just socializing.  

You need to do that in order to meet people. So the things I'm going to mention are not just date specific necessarily   or or dating specific. They are just ways to get out and meet people and have a good time.   So think about it as having these different buckets for socializing   and try to fill as many of those buckets up as possible in your life.   So we do have just dates, meaning you go on apps or you maybe, you know, meet somebody in person   IRL,   and you decide to schedule a date. So that's one way of socializing. And, obviously, that is very specific   for   specifically related to building a romantic,   romantic relationship.  

So you're getting to know the person and all of that. But there's a bunch of other things.   There is just going out and running errands, doing your day to day stuff, so going to the grocery store   or going to   the tailor or whatever, but physically getting out in the world   where you come in contact with other human beings.   That being said,   it's wonderful when there's a nice meet cute that happens from a situation like that, but you can't bet you can't bet on you can't bet on meeting someone in that way. It can happen, but the numbers are not necessarily in your favor.   Then there's, like, more formal   events, like business or networking events. Those can be great.  

Those, I highly recommend people actively seek out and attend because networking events are literally for meeting other people. And, yes, they may be related to business, but that by no means   stops people from being able to make friendships and connections and maybe potential romantic relationships.   So I'm a big fan of a good networking event.   And   you can also be thinking about   the the the profile of your ideal partner, like, what they are like. So if you are interested in a person who is a professional,   has a career,   then networking events are gonna be a very good place for you to go. And   by way of it being a networking event, people are expecting   that they're going to talk to strangers. So it helps reduce some of that friction of   of talking to someone you don't know because this event is literally for talking to people you don't know. So networking events are great. Then there's, you know, the typical things of, like, some going to a bar or a lounge or a club where you're going out to just purely,   you know, for for fun and personal reasons. Also great places to talk to people because the expectation   for a lot of places like this is that you might that you're gonna socialize and you're gonna chat with people. Now granted,   different bars, clubs, lounges have different vibes, so identifying the ones that are are intended to be particularly   social is very helpful.  

I like to think of one sports bars are a big one for that. And this is a little side note where I talk with women about going to the places that they are likely to meet men. So for example,   when you wanna go to the really cute   brunch spot,   that is wonderful.   You but you are less likely to meet a single man there because a man is less likely to be at that spot or if he is there, he's with a woman, his date, his wife, whoever.   The the brunch place is where you go after you have the guy who you're gonna go on a date with, who's gonna take you out. But a sports bar is where you're likely to go find the guy who's single. Now this is not me saying don't go out to brunch spots and only go to sports bars, but this is me saying vary it up a little bit. Help expand and and and,   diversify that dating pool of yours. So sometimes you go to a brunch spot with your girls, but another time you go to a sports bar with your girls and go and have a good time there. And speaking as a woman who is not into sports or beer,   I understand that I'm not necessarily doing it because it's my favorite place to be, but it does open up my options to meeting a guy. Right? And so   what I'm getting at here   is diversifying   and adding variety to your your social the places you you socialize in, your dating pools. So,   a bar, a lounge, a club, definitely good options. But just like with the dating apps, I do not recommend they be your only options. I don't.  

If you are dating with intention to find a committed partner,   you don't want bars and clubs to be your only places. And this is not because   serious people who want serious relationships don't go to these places, but it is because   they also are places that attract people who are just looking for hookups.   And   so and that is fine if you were looking for a hookup. But if you're looking for a serious relationship, you want to add variety   to your   to the places that you frequent.   And so then there's just like house parties, cookouts, you know, gatherings at at someone's   home. So this is where you're oftentimes doing more of a meeting someone you meet at these events are likely going to be a friend of a friend   or, you know, something like that. So   there's a little bit of social vetting that has already occurred in these situations where because they're invited   to a person's home, a more intimate personal   gathering, there's likely some amount of of, like, oh, this person,   we're okay with them going on. Now I wanna be clear. I wanna be very clear. That does not mean that the person   isn't isn't,   you know, an asshole or something like that when it comes to being in a relationship.  

You know, a friend could have invited their friend, and they brought their cousin who's visiting in town from you know, who's visiting or something. But there is this this level of   where we all have some sort of connection.   And so, you know, this person has been invited or they're they are allowed to come or they are welcomed here. Right? So this is also a good thing to do. Like, go to that event, and who knows who you meet? Who knows what connections you make?   Also, because if you go out socially not just for the purpose of meeting a guy to date, you never know what friendships or   business,   relationships develop or someone you meet who, down the road, you need their service or need a favor. So this is just helpful for generally expanding your social network.  

Then there are things like festivals   or,   pop ups, things that are intended to be   fun, enjoyable   things to do. And the benefit of doing something like this is that you're generally doing it also because you just enjoy the thing. You want to go to the food festival. You want to go to this pop up.   I would also put things like concerts, you know, music performances here where it's like you're going because it's a thing you're interested in. You're interested in seeing that that musical performance.   So   the upside of this is that it's not just about meeting someone. You're going like, if you go, you're likely just going to have a good time and enjoy yourself. But, also, you might socialize with some people and meet some cool people.   And, so   when it comes to, like, festivals,   concerts,   gatherings at people's homes, stuff like that, even bars and stuff,   A great time for this is what I call dating season, which is about May through September, particularly because I live in the Northeast, so that's when the weather is nice. It's easier to get out, and all these festivals and things are happening. Or I think of, like, there's an   an an open air bar,   near me where, like, when the weather's nice, you know, people are are out there playing cornhole and, like, there's music and stuff. And so it's it it   caters to being a very social place.  

And so   that   these are, like, great like, so dating season, as I call it, is a great time   to purposely seek out these type of places. Literally go online   and, you know, Google, you know, food festivals near me, pop ups near me, and see what comes up. And if any of them are of interest to you, you go. You go because you want to go because you're interested in that thing, but also you can meet some cool people.   As a parent, as a mom, school events might be a place. You are going because you want to support the school. You want to help your child build social relationships. You also meet other parents. Now I get that,   again, just like with, like, bars and apps, I do not,   I do not encourage school events to be your only way of socializing   because you're gonna meet a lot of married men at these sort of things for sure. But you might also meet a divorcee.  

Okay? There's that. Or you might have friends or meet parent friends who have friends. Right? And that's how you get invited to the the gathering, the cookout, the the the gathering at their home, stuff like that. So you build these connections and one links to another links to another.   Again, this is about diversifying these social events. So school events can be a way of that of doing that.   And then going along with the school thing, play dates. So specific, you know,   events where your children you know, you meet up with another family or parents so that your kids can play. So this would be, like, outside of school at the local playground or some sort of space for, you know, for kids where you guys make it a point to to,   bring the kids and play.  

And, again, like the school events, this is where it it can be highly likely that   your,   that   the people involved are married or in a relationship. And a lot of times,   generally, in our society, it's the moms putting these play playdates together. So you're not actually you know, you're actually engaging with, like, another mom. But in making these connections   and building upon them, this is how you get invited to, you know, again, a a a gathering or a kid's birthday party. That's another option too. Because at a kid's birthday party, right, you may have the family members of this child, and you don't know if there's a single uncle, stuff like that. But, also, it serves the purpose of helping your kid to socialize and make connections. So there are added benefits to this. And that's my main point about this is that these most of these social events that I that I I that I mentioned are not specific to romantic relationship or romantic connections. You know, besides, like, the dates,   these are just to meet people, and you never know where those meetings lead you. So just to kinda give a quick recap where where we have actual dates, we have business or networking events, we have bars, clubs, lounges,   we have house parties, cookouts, at home gatherings, and dinners.  

We have festivals and concerts and pop ups. We have school events, play dates, kids' birthday parties.   All of those things are good options, and I'm sure there are more.   If you have any more ideas, definitely put them in the comments,   on Spotify.   And,   yeah, this is just a quick little, re recap or a quick little   list of places   or events that you can do,   in order to really diversify your social,   buckets and your dating pool. Because it is possible that if you're struggling with date dating that you may have a bit of a dating pool issue.   So you're just swimming in the wrong pools or not enough pools or the pools you're swimming and don't have enough people or they don't have the people who are right for you. And so these are ways to help you diversify that.  

I forgot one, so I'm gonna have to edit this in, which is,   like   meetup groups. So   groups that are intended purposely for socializing.   They're not business related, but they're actually for social networking.   They are to do activities and tasks with people who you don't know, but what you have in common is an interest in that thing. It could be tennis. It could be hiking. It could be bowling.   It could be anything you can think of. It could be sightseeing in the city,   stuff like that. I've done a meet up meet up groups way in the past probably when meet up was pretty new. Loved it and, you know, made connections outside of it. But I love things like meet ups   because, again, it reduces some of that friction of meeting new people and talking to strangers. Because the idea is, yeah, we don't necessarily know each other, but we're here for a common thing. So we can talk about that and get to know each other   around that. And it's expected that you're going to say hi and hello and talk to,   you know, someone you don't know because that's what we're all here for. So meetups are a great thing.  

Also, apps like Peanut the Peanut app is for,   mothers   to meet. But there are all sorts of apps. There's, you know, Bumble BFF, Bumble Bumble BFF,   to meet friends. But apps that are not just for dating, but apps that are for just meeting people and oftentimes certain groups of people like moms and things like that. So, also, don't sleep on these sort of things. And I've had a number of clients who have used the Peanut app.   And,   yeah, again, just things to add in order to diversify your social interactions   and your social buckets.