I'm making mom friends! In this episode I discuss the importance of social support when rebuilding after a breakup and some ways to go about making new friends and fostering current relationships in your life.
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[00:00:06]
Unknown:
Hey, I'm Tracy Pinnock and welcome to the Bitter to Better podcast, where I talk all things love and life that help women live better after breakups. I'm glad you're here, and let's get into it.
[00:00:27] Unknown:
Guess what? It seems I'm making mom friends. Yay. This was one of my goals upon moving to my new town after my most recent breakup. And to be clear, it is very early on. I'm not getting overexcited, but it is such a an important thing to have a social network and social support. It's not about being a social butterfly and having the most friends or anything like that, but it is about having quality connections because humans thrive with social connections. Even the people who say they need no one and they're very independent or they don't have many friends because they have drama with people or they don't really need friends like that.
They may not need a lot of friends, but every human needs social connection in order to be well. We need to sleep. We need to eat. We need to breathe oxygen. We need to move our bodies. We need to have social connections in order to be well. So what I wanna talk about today is building a social network after a breakup. It's so key. And of course, you may already have a social network in place before your breakup. So it's about utilizing that social network, friends, family, whomever. But the need to connect with other humans when you're dealing with tough things. So for me, I've always been someone who has generally felt like I have had good friendships. They've been healthy friendships.
I have not struggled in general to make and keep friends. And I feel that I have utilized these relationships well well when in need. I would say I have a moderate friend circle. It's not huge. It's also not super small. I have, so everybody you have a different relationship with everyone in your life. So you can think of it as, like, if you have 10 friends, all 10 of them are not likely to be in your life in the same ways. You might have the friend or two who you share personal things with really personal things with or hard stuff with versus the friends who you tend to go out with, and maybe things stay a little more surface.
You might have the friends who you see them often, and that's a big part of how you build that friendship versus the friends where you rarely see them. And, but you talk to them regularly or the friends who you rarely see them rarely talk to them. But when you do connect, it's like old times. Like, no time has passed. All of this has to do with the nature of, you know, each person's personality and the nature of the relationship and all of all those things. But overall, you need people. You need people to talk to, to do things with. Not all the time. Alone time is wonderful. I'm a big fan of it. I'm an introvert. I reenergize in solitude.
So I get highly anxious if I'm around too many people too many people for too long. I don't tend to reenergize by being amongst others, but I love being amongst others. I am a social person. So I love a good party. I love a good event, a little shindig. I love going out to eat. I love, connecting with friends. I'm very deliberate about creating situations in order to spend time with friends, having people over my place, going over to others' places, going out to eat, doing an activity, things like that. But when it's time for me to recharge, that is definitely done mostly in solitude for me.
But even with that, I absolutely need people to connect with. No one likes to feel lonely. No one likes to feel rejected. No one likes to feel out on their own. And it can be very uncomfortable for many people to share their personal life details, especially when they're hard. So maybe things about their breakup or things like that. But it is to our benefit to have a couple of trusted people with whom to do that. So for me, one thing that I very much have wanted is upon moving to a new town like I have, I wanted to make new connections.
I have friends and solid friendships with people who don't live in my town. So I was never, like, you know, lonely in an overall sense because I have people who I can call, who I can talk to, who I can hang out with, and I have done that. But I've def definitely wanted this sense of community where I live and, you know, to have some people who we can kind of easily get together because we are nearby. And so very recently, as in a couple of days ago, that kind of really started to come about. I was invited, by a mom whose son goes to my school, and they our kids have been having play dates, and they get along great.
And then I got the coveted invite to, like, the moms group where it's other moms who have hit it off and hang out together. And she said I should come to their their next meetup. So I'm really excited to, have been invited. That's a big this is a big deal. It's not is this is a monumental moment for mom, me, especially upon, you know, moving to a new town and trying to establish myself and my kids in this place and having it be enjoyable. So I'm really excited about it. This leads me into talking about how we build and foster our social networks. So I generally think about it in two buckets. Well, first of all, let me say, because making friends as an adult is challenging. I hear that so much. So often people are like, oh my gosh. How do you make friends as an adult? Yes. Because, as an adult, you're not in a you know, if you went to traditional public school where there are, like, fifteen, twenty kids in a class, As an adult, you're not in a class every day where there's, like, you know, 20 other students, to hang out with and, you know, get to know. And maybe you're not doing extracurricular curriculars like, you know, being on the soccer team or things like that. So as adults, we tend to have key places that we frequent.
And now in this current day and age, post pandemic and all of that, everything can be done virtually, so you don't actually have to leave your home to do anything. You can get your groceries delivered. You can work from home. You can hire somebody to watch your kids, pick up your kids, drop them off. Like, I mean, all the things. So, you know, online banking, my preferred method. I'd rather not talk to anyone physically to get my, business done. But, so even if you are someone who actually goes outside, then it's like you go to work, you go to the grocery store, you go to the bank, you go to the gym, or maybe you happen to have a particular hobby where you show up to that, and you go home. Like, those are very the very, those are the places that adults tend to, like, limit themselves. So if you're not meeting people in these places, like, if you're not you know, you don't have coworkers who you get along with sorry. I'm yawning. It's oh my gosh. It's past 10PM. That's my bedtime is 10PM. Anyway, if you don't get along with your coworkers or maybe you don't work closely with certain people or things like that, then maybe you're not making friends there. And, you know, to randomly make friends in the grocery store or at the bank is, you know, a rare thing. It happens, and those moments are great, but you can't bet on it. So when wanting to expand your social network as an adult, it's a deliberate decision. It's saying I want to make new friends because then that puts you in the mindset of needing to make an actual plan and how you go about doing that. And this is where you get very, it becomes it's kind of like a part time job or a quarter time job or something where where you put in effort and work to meet people.
But as I was saying before, I put I put the, building of your social network and social support into buckets. There's the making there's the bringing new people into your life, and then there's the fostering the relationships that already exist. So on one hand, you may want to be actually be expanding your social circle and meeting new people. On the other hand, you may also want to be fostering and improving relationships that that already exist in your life. So you may exist in your life. So you may have coworkers who you're cool with, but you'd like to get to know better or actually go out with or spend more time with. Or you may have friendships that have kind of petered out a bit, but they're friendships that you would actually like to improve.
So it's helpful to think about, this process in in both of those ways. Like, do I need to add more people to my social circle? Maybe I have some solid friendships with people who don't live near me, but I don't really have any people who live near me who I get to see and and talk to. So you want to first identify, like, what am I doing? Am I expanding my social network? Am I fostering relationships? Am I doing both? Oftentimes, it's a combination of both. But then from there, it kind of leads you down these different paths. Expanding your social network is about going out and finding places to actually meet new people. Fostering your social network is about how you reach out and interact with the people already in your life. So let's start with bringing new people into the circle.
One exercise that I really like to do is, the ideal friendship list. To be clear, you can make what I call an ideals list for any aspect of your life. So your ideal career, your ideal romantic relationship, which is how I usually use it with people, and I'm sure there will be future podcast episode about that specific thing. In this case, we're gonna say you can have one for your ideal money situation, ideal health, fitness, anything. In this case, we're talking about friend or friendship. So you just imagine you have a magic wand, you wave that wand, and the ideal friend for you appears. What would be this person's characteristics, personality, traits, life circumstances? And just start making a list. You know, you want them to be kind, respectful, someone who likes to, I don't know, travel because you love to travel, someone who likes to read, someone who has young kids like you do. Whatever the things are, and you write them down. And you think of as many as you possibly can, getting as specific as you possibly can. You are making this list from the ideal perspective. Perspective. So I don't want you to think about all the reasons why it can't be this way, why you'll never find this person or anything like that. No. We're not letting those things get in the way of us identifying what the ideal friend would look like for us. Because once you've made that list and identified these things, you start to ask yourself, where are places that I am likely to meet this type of person?
Because that helps you get a list together of the places you need to be going and likely with some amount of consistency or frequency so that you can start engaging with people. Do you love, books and coffees? Alright. Go to bookshop. Go to libraries. Go to coffee shops. Are you into fitness? Go to the gym or active activities. Are you into outdoors? Do activities that are that are outdoors. I can't recommend enough. Meetup.com. Great website. Great place to go to join groups around specific things and meet people who are interested in those things. So it can be a hiking club, a book club, singles who like to go bowling, whatever, and it's a great way to meet new people. It's one of the primary ways that I suggest people meet new people.
But either way, you want to go to the places where you are likely to find those people who meet the criteria on your list. You, so we have meetup.com. We have Bumble BFF. That's also for finding friends and making friends. But we also have the physically going to places. So maybe you find a favorite coffee shop and you go there, you know, once a week or so and, you know, to do some work while you sip coffee, and maybe you notice, certain people who frequent there as well. Maybe you start conversation. Maybe they have a book with them that day and you notice you're interested in the book or it's a book you've read or whatever it is, or there's something I don't know. I have my computer is covered in stickers. Maybe there's something that catches your eye and you comment on it. But the the point is you have to be deliberate about this. If you stay in your house, you're not meeting anyone.
If you, go places and, you know, how do I say, completely say to yourself and don't engage, then it's less likely that you're gonna meet people. Now the other person might be someone who approaches you, and so that could happen. But just understand that you increase your chances of meeting people if you're deliberate about doing so. So you want to identify the characteristics and traits of your ideal friend, and you want to think about where you can find those people and go to those places.
[00:15:06] Unknown:
Do you like what you're hearing? Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Want to help the pod? If so, please know it's greatly appreciated, and I welcome you to support the Bitter to Better podcast however you can. Might I suggest a few options? First, please rate and review the show on Spotify, Apple Podcast, or whatever platform you choose. Next, how about sending this podcast to one friend who you know could use it? This way, she can't say you've never given her anything. If you're really riding with me, talk about the show on social media and tag me. I'm at tracy panach on Instagram. And lastly, if you ever use any products or services I mentioned in the pod, can you tell them Tracey Panach from the Bitter to Better podcast sent you?
Please and thank
[00:15:59] Unknown:
you. On the other end, there's the fostering of current relationships. So what what you want to do here is you want to identify the relationships in your life that you would like to foster, that you would like to improve. So are there coworkers who you'd like to get to know more or like to go out with? Are there friends who you were closer closer to and it's just not the same anymore? People moved away or got busy with their lives, identify the specific people. Like, hey. I'd like to get to know, you know, Valerie more, or, you know, John is a cool friend at work.
I'd like to, you know, get to to know him more or hang out, etcetera, etcetera. So then once you've identified the people, you ask yourself how you might engage with them more. And so these are things where, like, if it's someone whose phone number you have and you've, like, texted before or called before, then start initiating the reaching out of texting them. Like, hey. How are things? And be consistent about it. I say, like, literally, once you've decided you want to foster this relationship, check-in, like, once a week on just how things are going. What this does, it's it starts to set up an understanding and an expectation from the other person that, oh, you are open to engaging regularly.
So it helps, like, give them permission to reach out and be reciprocal and check-in on you and start conversation and things like that. And I'm not saying that because you do this, it means that everyone's gonna respond in the same way. No. I mean, part of, you know, building relationships is it's a give and take. And so you may find that people are not interested in the ways that you are. That's all part of the process. But if this is somebody who you're friendly with and friendly enough with to have their number or things like that, the next step is to initiate the contact and communication with some sort of consistency so that they get the message that you are open to engaging.
And then, you know, the obvious thing as well in this situation is to try to set up times to see each other. So I guess right now, I'm talking about people who live live near enough to you that you would actually physically go out with them, and suggest, you know, things to do, whatever the things are you're interested in. So is it coffee? Is it drinks? Is it dancing? Is it some activity? Is it going for walks? You name it. But actually offer it and then and then actually this is big because what what, our adult selves and our busy adult lives tend to do is say, yeah. We definitely should get together and then nothing happens.
So don't let that be the case. Remember, you've decided that you want to improve your social life or your social network. So you actually throw out dates so that something can get, put into place. So, of course, this is this is what you do with someone who you've determined is truly interested in hanging out with you. And I'm not even gonna say as far as truly interested in being your friend. Maybe you guys don't fully know that yet, but you need to hang out to start to determine that. But what I'm saying here is you get the vibe that they're, like, cool and interested in hanging out. And so you say, okay. Hey.
You know, I'm available x, y, and z. You can let me know what works for you. And then that's how you start the conversation going in the back and forth of figuring out schedules and all that stuff. But you have to move it beyond the, yeah, let's get together for sure. No. That that never works. And then, also, I always say when you have your your, friend date, your meetup, your hangout, you tentatively schedule the next one. So I always say to people, like, if you're actively trying to, improve a friendship or get closer to someone, start out on, like, an intentional monthly basis of of hanging out. So, like, even, like, like, once a month. Like so you go, you have your friend date, then you say, hey. Like, I'd love to do this again.
Maybe we can do it in a few weeks, a month or so. You know? Let's find a weekend, you know, whatever, a day that we're available. So what you do at that next one is just generally look look at your both of your calendars coming up, like, for the next month and say, hey. Would this be a good weekend? Sure. You don't have to get specific about exactly necessarily what day even of that weekend, and you don't need to get specific about exactly what you're going to do. But you definitely want to have both people pencil in hanging out with so and so on that day or that weekend, or whatever. It might be a day of the week, but during that time period. And each time you meet up, you do that again so that things are on the books and people can plan their lives accordingly.
If you and that person are hitting it off, then this starts to become just a habit and more of a of a ritual of, like, oh, we haven't had our monthly hangout or hey. And, you know, now you start thinking about, like, this is the person who you think about or maybe this person thinks about you when they're like, oh, there's a a show I wanna go to or concert I wanna go to. And this is how you get a real natural friendship going. This applies as well of, like, maybe a coworker. So someone who maybe you don't necessarily, let's say it's someone you don't have their phone number and you guys don't talk via the phone, but say it is someone like a coworker who you will see physically, you can kind of, you know, bring up things like happy hour and work drinks and stuff like that, but then actually go out and do it. And I definitely think that, like, a happy hour type of situation is an easy in. And even if you don't drink, you can show up or get virgin drinks or whatever. It's about the camaraderie and being there. It's an easy in with acquaintances like coworkers because you do some happy hours a few times and you get cool with each other. And if you really hit it off, maybe you decide to do other type of activities outside of the typical hour. Alright. That's all for today.
So those are just some ideas on making new friends and fostering current relationships or current friendships as an adult. It is a deliberate decision that we decide to give time and energy to. You do need to leave your house to meet new people and to hang out with them, and you want to reach out to people who currently exist in your life if you want to get closer to them or see them more. Alright. Join me next week as we continue this journey of living better after breakups.
[00:22:58] Unknown:
Hey. By the way, I can be found in other places besides this podcast. Just search my name on YouTube and you'll find my channel. Subscribe for periodic how to videos for dealing with breakups and mastering dating. That's right. I said mastering dating. It's a skill, ladies. I can also be found on Instagram at tracy panach. And lastly, I most encourage you to join my email list where you get breakup and dating support delivered to your inbox in addition to getting the most exclusive access to my programs and coaching services. My email list subscribers are the first to know when my coaching programs launch and the only people to get discounts when they're offered.
As always, I'm glad we got into it and looking forward to next
[00:23:49] Unknown:
time.
Hey, I'm Tracy Pinnock and welcome to the Bitter to Better podcast, where I talk all things love and life that help women live better after breakups. I'm glad you're here, and let's get into it.
[00:00:27] Unknown:
Guess what? It seems I'm making mom friends. Yay. This was one of my goals upon moving to my new town after my most recent breakup. And to be clear, it is very early on. I'm not getting overexcited, but it is such a an important thing to have a social network and social support. It's not about being a social butterfly and having the most friends or anything like that, but it is about having quality connections because humans thrive with social connections. Even the people who say they need no one and they're very independent or they don't have many friends because they have drama with people or they don't really need friends like that.
They may not need a lot of friends, but every human needs social connection in order to be well. We need to sleep. We need to eat. We need to breathe oxygen. We need to move our bodies. We need to have social connections in order to be well. So what I wanna talk about today is building a social network after a breakup. It's so key. And of course, you may already have a social network in place before your breakup. So it's about utilizing that social network, friends, family, whomever. But the need to connect with other humans when you're dealing with tough things. So for me, I've always been someone who has generally felt like I have had good friendships. They've been healthy friendships.
I have not struggled in general to make and keep friends. And I feel that I have utilized these relationships well well when in need. I would say I have a moderate friend circle. It's not huge. It's also not super small. I have, so everybody you have a different relationship with everyone in your life. So you can think of it as, like, if you have 10 friends, all 10 of them are not likely to be in your life in the same ways. You might have the friend or two who you share personal things with really personal things with or hard stuff with versus the friends who you tend to go out with, and maybe things stay a little more surface.
You might have the friends who you see them often, and that's a big part of how you build that friendship versus the friends where you rarely see them. And, but you talk to them regularly or the friends who you rarely see them rarely talk to them. But when you do connect, it's like old times. Like, no time has passed. All of this has to do with the nature of, you know, each person's personality and the nature of the relationship and all of all those things. But overall, you need people. You need people to talk to, to do things with. Not all the time. Alone time is wonderful. I'm a big fan of it. I'm an introvert. I reenergize in solitude.
So I get highly anxious if I'm around too many people too many people for too long. I don't tend to reenergize by being amongst others, but I love being amongst others. I am a social person. So I love a good party. I love a good event, a little shindig. I love going out to eat. I love, connecting with friends. I'm very deliberate about creating situations in order to spend time with friends, having people over my place, going over to others' places, going out to eat, doing an activity, things like that. But when it's time for me to recharge, that is definitely done mostly in solitude for me.
But even with that, I absolutely need people to connect with. No one likes to feel lonely. No one likes to feel rejected. No one likes to feel out on their own. And it can be very uncomfortable for many people to share their personal life details, especially when they're hard. So maybe things about their breakup or things like that. But it is to our benefit to have a couple of trusted people with whom to do that. So for me, one thing that I very much have wanted is upon moving to a new town like I have, I wanted to make new connections.
I have friends and solid friendships with people who don't live in my town. So I was never, like, you know, lonely in an overall sense because I have people who I can call, who I can talk to, who I can hang out with, and I have done that. But I've def definitely wanted this sense of community where I live and, you know, to have some people who we can kind of easily get together because we are nearby. And so very recently, as in a couple of days ago, that kind of really started to come about. I was invited, by a mom whose son goes to my school, and they our kids have been having play dates, and they get along great.
And then I got the coveted invite to, like, the moms group where it's other moms who have hit it off and hang out together. And she said I should come to their their next meetup. So I'm really excited to, have been invited. That's a big this is a big deal. It's not is this is a monumental moment for mom, me, especially upon, you know, moving to a new town and trying to establish myself and my kids in this place and having it be enjoyable. So I'm really excited about it. This leads me into talking about how we build and foster our social networks. So I generally think about it in two buckets. Well, first of all, let me say, because making friends as an adult is challenging. I hear that so much. So often people are like, oh my gosh. How do you make friends as an adult? Yes. Because, as an adult, you're not in a you know, if you went to traditional public school where there are, like, fifteen, twenty kids in a class, As an adult, you're not in a class every day where there's, like, you know, 20 other students, to hang out with and, you know, get to know. And maybe you're not doing extracurricular curriculars like, you know, being on the soccer team or things like that. So as adults, we tend to have key places that we frequent.
And now in this current day and age, post pandemic and all of that, everything can be done virtually, so you don't actually have to leave your home to do anything. You can get your groceries delivered. You can work from home. You can hire somebody to watch your kids, pick up your kids, drop them off. Like, I mean, all the things. So, you know, online banking, my preferred method. I'd rather not talk to anyone physically to get my, business done. But, so even if you are someone who actually goes outside, then it's like you go to work, you go to the grocery store, you go to the bank, you go to the gym, or maybe you happen to have a particular hobby where you show up to that, and you go home. Like, those are very the very, those are the places that adults tend to, like, limit themselves. So if you're not meeting people in these places, like, if you're not you know, you don't have coworkers who you get along with sorry. I'm yawning. It's oh my gosh. It's past 10PM. That's my bedtime is 10PM. Anyway, if you don't get along with your coworkers or maybe you don't work closely with certain people or things like that, then maybe you're not making friends there. And, you know, to randomly make friends in the grocery store or at the bank is, you know, a rare thing. It happens, and those moments are great, but you can't bet on it. So when wanting to expand your social network as an adult, it's a deliberate decision. It's saying I want to make new friends because then that puts you in the mindset of needing to make an actual plan and how you go about doing that. And this is where you get very, it becomes it's kind of like a part time job or a quarter time job or something where where you put in effort and work to meet people.
But as I was saying before, I put I put the, building of your social network and social support into buckets. There's the making there's the bringing new people into your life, and then there's the fostering the relationships that already exist. So on one hand, you may want to be actually be expanding your social circle and meeting new people. On the other hand, you may also want to be fostering and improving relationships that that already exist in your life. So you may exist in your life. So you may have coworkers who you're cool with, but you'd like to get to know better or actually go out with or spend more time with. Or you may have friendships that have kind of petered out a bit, but they're friendships that you would actually like to improve.
So it's helpful to think about, this process in in both of those ways. Like, do I need to add more people to my social circle? Maybe I have some solid friendships with people who don't live near me, but I don't really have any people who live near me who I get to see and and talk to. So you want to first identify, like, what am I doing? Am I expanding my social network? Am I fostering relationships? Am I doing both? Oftentimes, it's a combination of both. But then from there, it kind of leads you down these different paths. Expanding your social network is about going out and finding places to actually meet new people. Fostering your social network is about how you reach out and interact with the people already in your life. So let's start with bringing new people into the circle.
One exercise that I really like to do is, the ideal friendship list. To be clear, you can make what I call an ideals list for any aspect of your life. So your ideal career, your ideal romantic relationship, which is how I usually use it with people, and I'm sure there will be future podcast episode about that specific thing. In this case, we're gonna say you can have one for your ideal money situation, ideal health, fitness, anything. In this case, we're talking about friend or friendship. So you just imagine you have a magic wand, you wave that wand, and the ideal friend for you appears. What would be this person's characteristics, personality, traits, life circumstances? And just start making a list. You know, you want them to be kind, respectful, someone who likes to, I don't know, travel because you love to travel, someone who likes to read, someone who has young kids like you do. Whatever the things are, and you write them down. And you think of as many as you possibly can, getting as specific as you possibly can. You are making this list from the ideal perspective. Perspective. So I don't want you to think about all the reasons why it can't be this way, why you'll never find this person or anything like that. No. We're not letting those things get in the way of us identifying what the ideal friend would look like for us. Because once you've made that list and identified these things, you start to ask yourself, where are places that I am likely to meet this type of person?
Because that helps you get a list together of the places you need to be going and likely with some amount of consistency or frequency so that you can start engaging with people. Do you love, books and coffees? Alright. Go to bookshop. Go to libraries. Go to coffee shops. Are you into fitness? Go to the gym or active activities. Are you into outdoors? Do activities that are that are outdoors. I can't recommend enough. Meetup.com. Great website. Great place to go to join groups around specific things and meet people who are interested in those things. So it can be a hiking club, a book club, singles who like to go bowling, whatever, and it's a great way to meet new people. It's one of the primary ways that I suggest people meet new people.
But either way, you want to go to the places where you are likely to find those people who meet the criteria on your list. You, so we have meetup.com. We have Bumble BFF. That's also for finding friends and making friends. But we also have the physically going to places. So maybe you find a favorite coffee shop and you go there, you know, once a week or so and, you know, to do some work while you sip coffee, and maybe you notice, certain people who frequent there as well. Maybe you start conversation. Maybe they have a book with them that day and you notice you're interested in the book or it's a book you've read or whatever it is, or there's something I don't know. I have my computer is covered in stickers. Maybe there's something that catches your eye and you comment on it. But the the point is you have to be deliberate about this. If you stay in your house, you're not meeting anyone.
If you, go places and, you know, how do I say, completely say to yourself and don't engage, then it's less likely that you're gonna meet people. Now the other person might be someone who approaches you, and so that could happen. But just understand that you increase your chances of meeting people if you're deliberate about doing so. So you want to identify the characteristics and traits of your ideal friend, and you want to think about where you can find those people and go to those places.
[00:15:06] Unknown:
Do you like what you're hearing? Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Want to help the pod? If so, please know it's greatly appreciated, and I welcome you to support the Bitter to Better podcast however you can. Might I suggest a few options? First, please rate and review the show on Spotify, Apple Podcast, or whatever platform you choose. Next, how about sending this podcast to one friend who you know could use it? This way, she can't say you've never given her anything. If you're really riding with me, talk about the show on social media and tag me. I'm at tracy panach on Instagram. And lastly, if you ever use any products or services I mentioned in the pod, can you tell them Tracey Panach from the Bitter to Better podcast sent you?
Please and thank
[00:15:59] Unknown:
you. On the other end, there's the fostering of current relationships. So what what you want to do here is you want to identify the relationships in your life that you would like to foster, that you would like to improve. So are there coworkers who you'd like to get to know more or like to go out with? Are there friends who you were closer closer to and it's just not the same anymore? People moved away or got busy with their lives, identify the specific people. Like, hey. I'd like to get to know, you know, Valerie more, or, you know, John is a cool friend at work.
I'd like to, you know, get to to know him more or hang out, etcetera, etcetera. So then once you've identified the people, you ask yourself how you might engage with them more. And so these are things where, like, if it's someone whose phone number you have and you've, like, texted before or called before, then start initiating the reaching out of texting them. Like, hey. How are things? And be consistent about it. I say, like, literally, once you've decided you want to foster this relationship, check-in, like, once a week on just how things are going. What this does, it's it starts to set up an understanding and an expectation from the other person that, oh, you are open to engaging regularly.
So it helps, like, give them permission to reach out and be reciprocal and check-in on you and start conversation and things like that. And I'm not saying that because you do this, it means that everyone's gonna respond in the same way. No. I mean, part of, you know, building relationships is it's a give and take. And so you may find that people are not interested in the ways that you are. That's all part of the process. But if this is somebody who you're friendly with and friendly enough with to have their number or things like that, the next step is to initiate the contact and communication with some sort of consistency so that they get the message that you are open to engaging.
And then, you know, the obvious thing as well in this situation is to try to set up times to see each other. So I guess right now, I'm talking about people who live live near enough to you that you would actually physically go out with them, and suggest, you know, things to do, whatever the things are you're interested in. So is it coffee? Is it drinks? Is it dancing? Is it some activity? Is it going for walks? You name it. But actually offer it and then and then actually this is big because what what, our adult selves and our busy adult lives tend to do is say, yeah. We definitely should get together and then nothing happens.
So don't let that be the case. Remember, you've decided that you want to improve your social life or your social network. So you actually throw out dates so that something can get, put into place. So, of course, this is this is what you do with someone who you've determined is truly interested in hanging out with you. And I'm not even gonna say as far as truly interested in being your friend. Maybe you guys don't fully know that yet, but you need to hang out to start to determine that. But what I'm saying here is you get the vibe that they're, like, cool and interested in hanging out. And so you say, okay. Hey.
You know, I'm available x, y, and z. You can let me know what works for you. And then that's how you start the conversation going in the back and forth of figuring out schedules and all that stuff. But you have to move it beyond the, yeah, let's get together for sure. No. That that never works. And then, also, I always say when you have your your, friend date, your meetup, your hangout, you tentatively schedule the next one. So I always say to people, like, if you're actively trying to, improve a friendship or get closer to someone, start out on, like, an intentional monthly basis of of hanging out. So, like, even, like, like, once a month. Like so you go, you have your friend date, then you say, hey. Like, I'd love to do this again.
Maybe we can do it in a few weeks, a month or so. You know? Let's find a weekend, you know, whatever, a day that we're available. So what you do at that next one is just generally look look at your both of your calendars coming up, like, for the next month and say, hey. Would this be a good weekend? Sure. You don't have to get specific about exactly necessarily what day even of that weekend, and you don't need to get specific about exactly what you're going to do. But you definitely want to have both people pencil in hanging out with so and so on that day or that weekend, or whatever. It might be a day of the week, but during that time period. And each time you meet up, you do that again so that things are on the books and people can plan their lives accordingly.
If you and that person are hitting it off, then this starts to become just a habit and more of a of a ritual of, like, oh, we haven't had our monthly hangout or hey. And, you know, now you start thinking about, like, this is the person who you think about or maybe this person thinks about you when they're like, oh, there's a a show I wanna go to or concert I wanna go to. And this is how you get a real natural friendship going. This applies as well of, like, maybe a coworker. So someone who maybe you don't necessarily, let's say it's someone you don't have their phone number and you guys don't talk via the phone, but say it is someone like a coworker who you will see physically, you can kind of, you know, bring up things like happy hour and work drinks and stuff like that, but then actually go out and do it. And I definitely think that, like, a happy hour type of situation is an easy in. And even if you don't drink, you can show up or get virgin drinks or whatever. It's about the camaraderie and being there. It's an easy in with acquaintances like coworkers because you do some happy hours a few times and you get cool with each other. And if you really hit it off, maybe you decide to do other type of activities outside of the typical hour. Alright. That's all for today.
So those are just some ideas on making new friends and fostering current relationships or current friendships as an adult. It is a deliberate decision that we decide to give time and energy to. You do need to leave your house to meet new people and to hang out with them, and you want to reach out to people who currently exist in your life if you want to get closer to them or see them more. Alright. Join me next week as we continue this journey of living better after breakups.
[00:22:58] Unknown:
Hey. By the way, I can be found in other places besides this podcast. Just search my name on YouTube and you'll find my channel. Subscribe for periodic how to videos for dealing with breakups and mastering dating. That's right. I said mastering dating. It's a skill, ladies. I can also be found on Instagram at tracy panach. And lastly, I most encourage you to join my email list where you get breakup and dating support delivered to your inbox in addition to getting the most exclusive access to my programs and coaching services. My email list subscribers are the first to know when my coaching programs launch and the only people to get discounts when they're offered.
As always, I'm glad we got into it and looking forward to next
[00:23:49] Unknown:
time.
