In this episode I talk about how to go about explaining to your children that you and your partner have or will be breaking up.
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Hey. Just a little message before we get started. I offer one on one coaching to women for breakup recovery and dating. So if you're interested, just send me an email at [email protected]. That's [email protected]. And let me know if you're interested, and I can give you information. We can hop on a very brief call to see what your needs are either around dating and or breakup recovery, and I'm really excited to help you on your journey.
[00:00:37] Unknown:
Hey. I'm Tracy Pinnock, and welcome to the Bitter to Better podcast, where I talk all things love and life that help women live better after breakups. I'm glad you're here, and let's get into it.
[00:00:58] Unknown:
Today, we're talking about how to tell your kids about your breakup. This can be really hard and tough for a lot of parents, understandably, because it's pretty emotional. We have worries about what the kids will think and feel. We have worries about what our breakup will do to our children. But it is important to openly, honestly, and clearly communicate with them about what's going on. Because what you don't want is for kids to have to make it up in their heads, and they often times make things more about them than they actually are. And developmentally speaking, that's appropriate. The younger we are, the more, kind of egocentric we are and have this world view of things revolving around us. And so it can be easy for kids to make things that are not about them about them and internalize that and personalize that. So you want to be able to clear that up for your kids. And the best way to do that is by being honest and open with them in communication.
So that being said, there is always an age appropriate way to explain a situation. You never have to lie about something because you do not want to generally want to say to your kids when letting them know that you and your partner have split up or or are splitting up. But first, just some things to kind of set your expectations for this, or some go to things that you want to make sure you do. You want to make sure that not only do you explain to your children what's happening, you want to let them know you want to offer your your support and let them know that you are always available to talk more about this topic. You're always available to talk with them about their feelings because feelings are likely to come up over time. So understand that this one conversation is likely not the end.
Your child may have questions down the road. Your child may ask for, more explanation down the road. Your child may just have feelings down the road that they need to express, and so you do want to make yourself that supportive person for them to talk to. Also, prepare for multiple conversations as they grow because what you tell a five year old about your break breakup would be different than what you tell a 10 year old, a 15 year old. Not necessarily that you tell a different story, but you would add more detail over time. So just understand that it's possible that you may retell becoming an adult child and talking with one or both of your parents in more detail about what you know, tell you, though this happens all the time. But, ideally, they didn't tell you the ins and outs of the cheating that happened and the betrayal and all of that. But, hey, you go into adulthood and you're doing your own dating and getting into romantic relationships and one or both parents, you know, bring up the fact of their experiences with one another as part of, you know, advice giving, but also just to maybe connect because maybe you ask or maybe, you know, they they feel it's something, you know, that they want to share because of their own personal story, like, the things that happened to them. So that can be a very very common experience. So then as an adult, you get way more detail and insight into your parents' experiences in terms of their relationship and their breakup.
[00:05:04] Unknown:
Do you like what you're hearing? Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Want to help the pod? If so, please know it's greatly appreciated, and I welcome you to support the Bitter to Better podcast however you can. Might I suggest a few options? First, please rate and review the show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or whatever platform you choose. Next, how about sending this podcast to one friend who you know could use it? This way, she can't say you've never given her anything. If you're really riding with me, talk about the show on social media and tag me. I'm at tracy panok on Instagram. And lastly, if you ever use any products or services I mentioned in the pod, can you tell them Tracy Pinnock from the Bitter to Better podcast sent you?
Please and thank you.
[00:05:56] Unknown:
Okay. So this is just the rundown of generally how you would want to do this. Generally how you would want to do this. If possible, it could be a good idea for you and your ex or soon to be ex to have the conversation together with your child. Or it could be a horrible idea if you recognize that you guys don't get along, don't agree on what to to say, or if one or both people struggle to, manage their emotions in terms of if they'll get easily frustrated or something like that, whether it's easily frustrated with the kid asking questions or easily frustrated with the other partner, any of that. So, obviously, you need to know yourself and your your partner, your ex, your soon to be ex. But if possible, it can be good to do together to kind of show a united front to your child to help them understand and see that, oh, mom and dad are working together through this. Even though they are breaking up, they can work as a team. So when possible, it can be good to do it with your soon to be ex. But if not, that is not absolutely necessary.
But what you do want to do is you obviously want to be mindful of the environment that you're in. So, you know, a private place with few distractions, a place that your child feels safe and comfortable, so likely your home, and sitting them down and explaining, hey. This is what's going on. The other thing that you want to do that I think is so key here is you want to explain what's happening. So, hey. Me and your dad, we're going to be breaking up or we're going to be getting a divorce. And then you want to explain how that's going to look for the child and for the family. So, dad is going to to be moving out into his own apartment, or we're going to be moving here, or I'm gonna be moving here, and you're gonna be staying with dad, whatever the arrangement is. So explaining to your child what to expect and when. You know, this will happen over the next month or, you know, his move out date is, you know, August, whatever.
So giving the details. And, obviously, as I'm saying this, these type of details are things that, you know, an older child would understand more. A much younger child, you would just leave out maybe the details specifically about the dates that things are happening, and you would just say, you know you know you know, you and mommy are going to live here. Daddy's going to live there, you know, wherever that place is or daddy's gonna move in with so and so. You know, these very general things so that the child understands where they will be in this scenario and where their parents will be in the scenario. But the other part you want to do is you want to reference some of the things that the child may have already experienced.
What I mean here is things like, you know, that, you know, me and dad argue a lot or we are always yelling or we're not always very nice to each other. And I know that doesn't make you feel good. It doesn't make us feel good either. And so we decided that us living separately and not being together anymore is better for everyone because we can all live more peacefully. You would give some version of that depending on the child's age. Right? You would get that would be the gist of what you're getting at. Because ultimately, what you're letting your children know is that both parents love them very much and that this split has both parents love them very much and that this split has nothing to do with them. It has everything to do with the parents involved and how you guys get along. So it's very important to have this piece of making it clear to your children that they have done nothing wrong, they have not caused this in any way, that this is about the adults or the parents in the situation.
And then the rest is just ongoing emotional support to your child just as you are always doing, you know, always having to provide that emotional support for your children for various reasons and through various experiences in their lives. The key is that you you talk with them, that you clarify things for them, that you let them know you're always there and available, and that you actually make your for them, that you let them know you're always there and available, and that you actually make yourself emotionally available for them as they navigate this tough time. It's a transition for everyone, and it's hard for everyone involved. And, you can do your best to be the supportive parent for them.
[00:10:49] Unknown:
Hey. By the way, I can be found in other places besides this podcast. Just search my name on YouTube and you'll find my channel. Subscribe for periodic how to videos for dealing with breakups and mastering dating. That's right. I said mastering dating. It's a skill, ladies. I can also be found on Instagram at tracy panach. And lastly, I most encourage you to join my email list where you get breakup and dating support delivered to your inbox in addition to getting the most exclusive access to my programs and coaching services. My email list subscribers are the first to know when my coaching programs launch and the only people to get discounts when they're offered. As always, I'm glad we got into it and looking forward to next time.
Hey. Just a little message before we get started. I offer one on one coaching to women for breakup recovery and dating. So if you're interested, just send me an email at [email protected]. That's [email protected]. And let me know if you're interested, and I can give you information. We can hop on a very brief call to see what your needs are either around dating and or breakup recovery, and I'm really excited to help you on your journey.
[00:00:37] Unknown:
Hey. I'm Tracy Pinnock, and welcome to the Bitter to Better podcast, where I talk all things love and life that help women live better after breakups. I'm glad you're here, and let's get into it.
[00:00:58] Unknown:
Today, we're talking about how to tell your kids about your breakup. This can be really hard and tough for a lot of parents, understandably, because it's pretty emotional. We have worries about what the kids will think and feel. We have worries about what our breakup will do to our children. But it is important to openly, honestly, and clearly communicate with them about what's going on. Because what you don't want is for kids to have to make it up in their heads, and they often times make things more about them than they actually are. And developmentally speaking, that's appropriate. The younger we are, the more, kind of egocentric we are and have this world view of things revolving around us. And so it can be easy for kids to make things that are not about them about them and internalize that and personalize that. So you want to be able to clear that up for your kids. And the best way to do that is by being honest and open with them in communication.
So that being said, there is always an age appropriate way to explain a situation. You never have to lie about something because you do not want to generally want to say to your kids when letting them know that you and your partner have split up or or are splitting up. But first, just some things to kind of set your expectations for this, or some go to things that you want to make sure you do. You want to make sure that not only do you explain to your children what's happening, you want to let them know you want to offer your your support and let them know that you are always available to talk more about this topic. You're always available to talk with them about their feelings because feelings are likely to come up over time. So understand that this one conversation is likely not the end.
Your child may have questions down the road. Your child may ask for, more explanation down the road. Your child may just have feelings down the road that they need to express, and so you do want to make yourself that supportive person for them to talk to. Also, prepare for multiple conversations as they grow because what you tell a five year old about your break breakup would be different than what you tell a 10 year old, a 15 year old. Not necessarily that you tell a different story, but you would add more detail over time. So just understand that it's possible that you may retell becoming an adult child and talking with one or both of your parents in more detail about what you know, tell you, though this happens all the time. But, ideally, they didn't tell you the ins and outs of the cheating that happened and the betrayal and all of that. But, hey, you go into adulthood and you're doing your own dating and getting into romantic relationships and one or both parents, you know, bring up the fact of their experiences with one another as part of, you know, advice giving, but also just to maybe connect because maybe you ask or maybe, you know, they they feel it's something, you know, that they want to share because of their own personal story, like, the things that happened to them. So that can be a very very common experience. So then as an adult, you get way more detail and insight into your parents' experiences in terms of their relationship and their breakup.
[00:05:04] Unknown:
Do you like what you're hearing? Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Want to help the pod? If so, please know it's greatly appreciated, and I welcome you to support the Bitter to Better podcast however you can. Might I suggest a few options? First, please rate and review the show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or whatever platform you choose. Next, how about sending this podcast to one friend who you know could use it? This way, she can't say you've never given her anything. If you're really riding with me, talk about the show on social media and tag me. I'm at tracy panok on Instagram. And lastly, if you ever use any products or services I mentioned in the pod, can you tell them Tracy Pinnock from the Bitter to Better podcast sent you?
Please and thank you.
[00:05:56] Unknown:
Okay. So this is just the rundown of generally how you would want to do this. Generally how you would want to do this. If possible, it could be a good idea for you and your ex or soon to be ex to have the conversation together with your child. Or it could be a horrible idea if you recognize that you guys don't get along, don't agree on what to to say, or if one or both people struggle to, manage their emotions in terms of if they'll get easily frustrated or something like that, whether it's easily frustrated with the kid asking questions or easily frustrated with the other partner, any of that. So, obviously, you need to know yourself and your your partner, your ex, your soon to be ex. But if possible, it can be good to do together to kind of show a united front to your child to help them understand and see that, oh, mom and dad are working together through this. Even though they are breaking up, they can work as a team. So when possible, it can be good to do it with your soon to be ex. But if not, that is not absolutely necessary.
But what you do want to do is you obviously want to be mindful of the environment that you're in. So, you know, a private place with few distractions, a place that your child feels safe and comfortable, so likely your home, and sitting them down and explaining, hey. This is what's going on. The other thing that you want to do that I think is so key here is you want to explain what's happening. So, hey. Me and your dad, we're going to be breaking up or we're going to be getting a divorce. And then you want to explain how that's going to look for the child and for the family. So, dad is going to to be moving out into his own apartment, or we're going to be moving here, or I'm gonna be moving here, and you're gonna be staying with dad, whatever the arrangement is. So explaining to your child what to expect and when. You know, this will happen over the next month or, you know, his move out date is, you know, August, whatever.
So giving the details. And, obviously, as I'm saying this, these type of details are things that, you know, an older child would understand more. A much younger child, you would just leave out maybe the details specifically about the dates that things are happening, and you would just say, you know you know you know, you and mommy are going to live here. Daddy's going to live there, you know, wherever that place is or daddy's gonna move in with so and so. You know, these very general things so that the child understands where they will be in this scenario and where their parents will be in the scenario. But the other part you want to do is you want to reference some of the things that the child may have already experienced.
What I mean here is things like, you know, that, you know, me and dad argue a lot or we are always yelling or we're not always very nice to each other. And I know that doesn't make you feel good. It doesn't make us feel good either. And so we decided that us living separately and not being together anymore is better for everyone because we can all live more peacefully. You would give some version of that depending on the child's age. Right? You would get that would be the gist of what you're getting at. Because ultimately, what you're letting your children know is that both parents love them very much and that this split has both parents love them very much and that this split has nothing to do with them. It has everything to do with the parents involved and how you guys get along. So it's very important to have this piece of making it clear to your children that they have done nothing wrong, they have not caused this in any way, that this is about the adults or the parents in the situation.
And then the rest is just ongoing emotional support to your child just as you are always doing, you know, always having to provide that emotional support for your children for various reasons and through various experiences in their lives. The key is that you you talk with them, that you clarify things for them, that you let them know you're always there and available, and that you actually make your for them, that you let them know you're always there and available, and that you actually make yourself emotionally available for them as they navigate this tough time. It's a transition for everyone, and it's hard for everyone involved. And, you can do your best to be the supportive parent for them.
[00:10:49] Unknown:
Hey. By the way, I can be found in other places besides this podcast. Just search my name on YouTube and you'll find my channel. Subscribe for periodic how to videos for dealing with breakups and mastering dating. That's right. I said mastering dating. It's a skill, ladies. I can also be found on Instagram at tracy panach. And lastly, I most encourage you to join my email list where you get breakup and dating support delivered to your inbox in addition to getting the most exclusive access to my programs and coaching services. My email list subscribers are the first to know when my coaching programs launch and the only people to get discounts when they're offered. As always, I'm glad we got into it and looking forward to next time.
