We teach people how to treat us and because of this, we want to be careful about the behavior we accept form our dating partners. There are little dating "tests" that we are sometimes unknowingly taking...and passing, and they can result in us singing social contracts that get us stuck in unfulfilling relationships.
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Hey. Just a little message before we get started. I offer one on one coaching to women for breakup recovery and dating. So if you're interested, just send me an email at [email protected]. That's [email protected]. And let me know if you're interested, and I can give you information. We can hop on a very brief call to see what your needs are either around dating and or breakup recovery, and I'm really excited to help you on your journey.
[00:00:37] Unknown:
Hey. I'm Tracy Panock, and welcome to the Bitter to Better podcast, where I talk all things love and life that help women live better after breakups. I'm glad you're here, and let's get into it.
[00:00:56] Unknown:
Hello. Hello, ladies. So I'm currently living my best reckless life as I allow my toddler to nap at 05:46PM because he happened to put himself to sleep after our day at the beach, which means that he will not sleep well this evening if I don't wake him up soon. And I don't know if I'm gonna wake him up soon because I actually wanna be productive on recording some podcast episodes. Also, I have just finished my second and a half coffee of the day at 05:45PM, which means I'm not going to sleep. So I guess we'll both be up together tonight, which means I am trying to make the most of my reckless decisions right now by being super productive with some podcast stuff. So here we are. Today's episode is about the test you want to fail or the test that you do not want to pass or whatever I ultimately decide to title this episode.
But, ultimately, it is about you being very aware of what you are allowing, tolerating, and accepting in your dating process, particularly early on in the dating process because we teach people how to treat us. And there are all of these, like, gullible Glenda and desperate Dora, insert any, undesirable quality quality and name. There are all of these sort of things that we can unintentionally start to realize we are accepting and setting ourselves up for. And so then this creates, social contracts with your dating partners that you don't actually want to be signing. So first, let's talk a little bit about social contracts, which ultimately are the agreements whether spoken or unspoken, intentional or unten unintentional that we make with other human beings.
So when we think of a legal contract, we have this idea of there's stuff written on paper, there's different terms you negotiate, and then, once you come to an agreement, everyone signs. And the expectation is that you do not break that contract, that you, and if you do, there are consequences. Right? Well, social contracts work that way as well, except they're a bit more tricky because a lot of things go unsaid, unspoken, assumed, etcetera, etcetera. Because we are, so a lot of social contracts I mean, they can certain aspects absolutely can be verbalized, but oftentimes, a lot of social contracts come about through our behavior.
So you can think about this in any friendship you have, any family relationship you have with coworkers, and especially with romantic relationships. It's one of the things that I talk with couples about a lot when they come into counseling because they'll be together two, five, seven, ten plus years, come into counseling. And then once they're sitting there in front of me, I'm helping them recognize that, oh, the way things currently are, one or both of you don't like the don't like the way it is, but recognize how this came to be. And a lot of these things are things where one or both people could say, yeah, but we never talked about this or I never agreed to this.
You never agreed to it verbally, but you very likely agreed to it behaviorally, such as let's take a simple example where, you know, well, actually well, actually well, actually, a very big common and now coming to light problematic example are women in relationships becoming house manager and taking the significant amount of the mental load and all of this stuff. Google mental load, Google House manager, stuff like that. You'll see all the stuff that's out these days about it. But that is a so that is like a collective social contract that, women and men have signed with one another, where, because, you know, she was the one who was, you know, maybe particularly invested in how the home was set up or looked, she would, you know, jump to do the cleaning or the this or that or the dishes or the cooking or any of these things. And it might not have been explicitly talked about within the couple that, oh, you're going to you know, a woman is going to do, you know, 90% of the household chores and, you know, 80% of the cooking, etcetera, etcetera.
But behaviorally, because she did it, he allowed it, he was, working or doing this, and she was doing that, the way that their lives played out, behaviorally, they both signed this social contract and may come to find, oh, actually, it doesn't work for me or it doesn't work for me anymore. This happens a lot, you know, pre kids versus post having children. What worked for a couple inevitably changes after having kids, but this can also apply to job changes, health changes, change in change in location. I mean, all sorts of things. The point being, there are a lot of behaviors that we'll do at one time in our lives when our lives look one way, and then that doesn't work anymore. But because it's the way everyone had been doing it, we keep doing the same old patterns and then realize, oh, this doesn't feel right. And then may come to a point where we're biting heads because maybe woman in this example is like, I don't want to continue doing 90% of the household chores. And man may say, oh, well but it's always been that way. Like, what changed, or what do you mean, or you never, you know, brought it up as an issue before, etcetera, etcetera.
But oftentimes, because our behaviors lead us here as opposed to our actual words. So why am I talking about all of this? I'm talking about all of this because that's kind of the big picture, kind of long term perspective of how what we allow, what we tolerate, the behavioral patterns we set up can have us signing unintentional social contracts or social contracts that don't ultimately work for us. And I want to be clear on the social contracting. What really we should all be doing is recognizing that when we enter any sort of relationship, any sort of romantic relationship in particular, that there should always be the option of going back to the negotiation table and renegotiating the terms of the contract because life changes our everything, ourselves, our life circumstances, everything. So the reality is if two people are intending to live a life together for a lifetime, then, I mean, the things are gonna have to shift from the time they get together to the time they die.
So, really, we should be prepared to say, hey. At different stages and phases of our life of our life together, let's sit down and check-in with one another to see if this still works, if how we're doing x, y, and z still works. And if not, then we need to talk about it. That's what we should all be entering romantic relationships prepared to do. So let's talk about this from the dating perspective of when you are not just first getting to know someone, but when you're first getting to know someone, but also while while you're dating them, while you're moving from a casual dating phase to an exclusive dating phase and even into the committed relationship. Again, with the committed relationship, we should be prepared to renegotiate the social contracts as we need to over time. But what I'm getting at at here is just noticing and paying attention to the things that you are and are not accepting from your dating experience or your dating partners.
So I just wanna go through maybe a couple that have come to mind for me, but there can be plenty. But just thinking about how when when a guy that you're dating does these things and you allow or tolerate them, thinking about how that might be setting up patterns of behavior and interactions and, like, a relationship dynamic that may not serve you. So somebody who lies early on in the relationship about, really basic things that would eventually have to be revealed, but that are significant such as their age, maybe their occupation, maybe their living arrangement or living situation, whether they have children or not.
I mean, the list could go on and on and on. Just kind of know I guess, where I should start is know what you want and what you're looking for, which is something I always suggest starting with, you know, make that ideal partner list. If you, want a video tutorial of how to make one, please just rate and or review this podcast and send me a screenshot of it to [email protected]. That's t r a c I e at, t as in Tom, p as in Peter, h as in Henry, therapy dot com, and I will send that over to you. But make that ideal partner list. It's the first thing that I say you do and make when you're going to date. Don't get out in the dating streets without it. But know and understand what you're looking for and what you want and what's important to you. And 100% of the women who I work with who create their ideal partner list, they put on there that they want someone who is honest and trustworthy.
So when somebody right at the gate is lying about these things, I don't recommend letting it go. I know someone who, their the person who became their boyfriend for a short period of time lied and said, he was older than he was. And this is these are people in their twenties. So I it's not even that I don't get like, I I think he's, like he was particularly I think they're in their early twenties or something like that. And he, I don't wanna get this wrong, but I don't know if he was only eight like, just under 20 or something like that, and she was maybe, like, early twenties. And he said he was his early twenties. And it's just like so I get from especially a younger guy's perspective like that, he might have wanted to try to get access, sexual access to older women.
But it's not okay to lie, about your age. And besides the ick factor that has to me personally to find that I would have engaged with somebody who was younger than I actually thought they were and all of that, there's just this part for me that I was like, well, foundationally, this this is just not a good foundation to to start any sort of relationship on. If you lied about this, what else are you lying about? And it's something that, like and and, by the way, the person this guy, I think, did did eventually come out come out and just tell her. But I would hate to think that I started anything with someone in this type of basic, like, you know, on something you can look at on someone's, you know, get someone's license or birth certificate or something and see that this is not true. It's just weird and concerning.
And so for me, it's like, we're very early on in this. The stakes are low in terms of me letting you go and letting this go and just moving on with my life. That's something that is, by all means for me, like, oh, you did what? Okay. No. I'm I'm done. Because continuing to interact with you and be with you after me finding out that you lied about something like your age sets it's it's it's the test. It's a test that I have now passed, a test of, well, what will she allow? A test of, well, what, you know, what can I get away with? And I don't necessarily mean it in terms of, like, this person at that time was trying to be malicious or anything like that. They clearly thought they would have a better chance with her if they were, older, and they hoped, you know, that would work out and all of that that sort of thing. But it's like, if this is where we're starting, I don't wanna see where we might end or where we might go. So this is a test, you testing me on what you will allow.
This is a test, and I'm not choosing to pass. I will fail it miserably because what I I what I will instead do is say, okay. Thanks for letting me know, but I think it's better we part ways because we are very early on in this dating, relationship, and this is not something that I want at the start of any relationship. And I don't want to have to be wondering what else you might lie about because this is a very, basic but significant thing for you to lie about.
[00:14:07] Unknown:
Do you like what you're hearing? Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Want to help the pod? If so, please know it's greatly appreciated, and I welcome you to support the Bitter to Better podcast however you can. Might I suggest a few options? First, please rate and review the show on Spotify, Apple Podcast, or whatever platform you choose. Next, how about sending this podcast to one friend who you know could use it? This way, she can't say you've never given her anything. If you're really riding with me, talk about the show on social media and tag me. I'm at tracy panach on Instagram. And lastly, if you ever use any products or services I mentioned in the pod, can you tell them Tracy Pinnock from the Bitter to Better podcast sent you?
Please and thank you.
[00:15:00] Unknown:
Someone who's constantly canceling and you being like, okay. Alright. That's fine. Or you even being like, this is not fine. I'm mad. I'm upset, but I continue to make plans with you and see what happens. I mean, ask yourself what you are allowing. Ask yourself how you're teaching this person to treat you. You know, if down the road in the relationship, you find that this person is inconsistent and that frustrates you and, you know, he's always been like this. He's always, you know, canceled and not followed through on what he said he was going to do. Then you will have, in essence, done something that your future self will not thank you for by continuing to engage with this person earlier on, after they have shown themselves to be inconsistent.
This happens a lot with couples, where their x number of years down the road into their relationship, they come into counseling, and they're like, he's always been like this. She's always been like this. This has always happened. And so then you kinda look and you're like, okay. So what exactly is your intention right now? Because you have continued to sign and re sign this social contract of teaching this person that you will accept them being inconsistent and not following through. And now x number of years later, you are wanting to renegotiate that this term of the contract, and you have every right to want to renegotiate a term of contract. But do understand how that might not work for that other person.
This has been a very a very significant term of the contract for them to be able to be inconsistent and you still be around, and now you're saying no. No. Thank you. And you have the right to. You may decide that if they can't, change this contract even this far in, that maybe you're done or that you end up staying and continuing to be frustrated and upset about it, or maybe they, you know, really put in the work to change something that they've been doing for many years. That is a way that they apparently function, and you accepted it and allowed it earlier on. And so they had no reason to change it, and so they did it, but now here we are. So things like a person showing like, can't them canceling all the time and not following through is, you know, there can be a lot of practical reasons for it. But one of the things that you might want to consider or think about in terms of the dating process in particular is, you know, is this indicating that you are, you know, not a primary option or choice for them, that maybe they're pushing you aside for other people and things like that in terms of the dating realm. Now, again, every situation is specific. I'm not saying that, like, the person can have things with their kids, with work, all of these things. I'm not saying any of that is legitimate. This is not about, like, trying to lie detect. I'm just saying notice patterns of behavior and understand what you want and need in someone. And if one of those things is consistency in someone who follows through, then you'd wanna ask yourself, is this person consistent and do they generally follow through? Or is there an ongoing pattern of them just saying, yeah. Okay. Yeah. But not so much. And how is that making you feel? Ultimately, that's at the heart of all of this. How am I feeling as a result of my interactions with this person? How am I feeling as a result of dating this person?
Are they contributing in a positive way to my life, or are they taking away from it? And what am I unintentionally teaching this person as to how to treat me? We can kind of keep going on, down the list of of tests you don't want to pass. The test of accepting disrespect, you know, on any ongoing basis. I'm not saying there aren't moments in which someone says something or does something in a way that is not particularly respectful to us, and that means, oh, we're done with them. Well, no. Good luck because you'd probably be done with almost any person, any significant person in your life. We all have our moments where we might say something in a way that isn't the most appropriate or anything like that. But I'm talking about patterns of of behavior, so that's repeated things.
And you continuing to stick around with and be around somebody who is disrespectful to you, is just teaching them that you will accept that and that they can continue to be that way. And it makes it harder for you to come back from that later if you decide, you know what? I'm not standing for this disrespect anymore. You know? You won't talk to me that way. I'll do this or I'll do that. It's just a harder, process for you to correct that down the road. Because, again, the person's like, well, what? They've accepted all this stuff. What do you mean? And oftentimes, when people do get down the road down the line in something like this and you're like, I'm not accepting it anymore, oftentimes, the result is them being done with the relationship and leaving because they're just like, this person, this is how they are. This is how they behave, and this is also what I have ex accepted for x amount of time. And so for me to not deal with or tolerate the disrespect anymore, it might mean literally not being in the relationship anymore. I've decided that that's something that I'm willing to to end in order to get out of this disrespectful, the cycle of disrespect.
The last one I'll mention is someone who just crosses your boundaries in any sort of way. They can cross physical boundaries where they're, you know, touching you in certain ways or, you know, when that you don't like or when you don't like or any of that. Obviously, a significant, boundary breach physically is like actual abuse of someone harming you physically. But they can, verbally cross boundaries in terms of how they talk to you. They can emotionally cross boundaries in terms of how they treat you and make you feel emotionally. They can financially cross boundaries. They can take your money, or they can be super controlling about money. They can, you know, socially cross boundaries, whether it's with other people, interacting with other people, let's say, like, interacting with other women in inappropriate ways or ways that you don't agree or you guys don't agree are okay to interact with, people outside of your relationship.
They can talk to people about your personal business that you don't feel is appropriate. I mean and a lot of these things are nuanced, to be clear, because there's, you know, talking to your closest friends about stuff in your relationship that you would like their advice on versus going in, like, intentionally gossiping about your partner, stuff like that. Again, that's very nuanced and very specific to each relationship. But what I'm getting at is this general breaching of what, of your boundaries, which, to be clear, boundaries are put in place to protect. There's physical boundaries to protect my physical body. There's emotional boundaries to protect me emotionally. There's boundaries around our relationship to protect our relationship, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
And so when somebody is crossing your boundaries, they are they are it's a breach to some form of safety for you. And so you want to ask yourself, what am I teaching this person in terms of how to treat me? What am I accepting, tolerating, allowing? How comfortable are they getting with, physically harming me, emotionally harming me, you know, socially harming me, financially harming me, their drain on my energy, things like that. These are things that you want to always keep in mind. You know, notice what is happening and what you are allowing over and over and over again. What you were saying, yes. Okay. Or it's no big deal. Or it is a big deal, and I'm but I'm gonna I'm gonna be mad about it, but I'm still gonna be here. I'm still gonna deal with it. Always ask yourself, how am I treating how am I teaching people to treat me?
And lastly, I will say that any of these things happening with any consistency ultimately results in a lack of respect, like, on on your partner's behalf. That person likely developing a certain lack of respect for you as a person. And when one person does not respect another person, it makes it much easier for them to mistreat, dismiss, ignore, you know, that person who they don't have respect for. Doesn't make it okay for them to do those things, but it makes it much easier for them to do those things. And so then you want to really think about that impact on your relationship overall. Being with someone who doesn't ultimately have respect for you or doesn't have enough respect for you, that doesn't result in a happy, healthy relationship.
Alright. That's all I have for today. So always be aware of the test that you do not want to pass on this dating journey. You don't want to be the desperate Dora, the gullible Glenda, any of that, the pushover Paula, none of that. None of that. Always, always asking yourself, how am I teaching people to treat me?
[00:24:13] Unknown:
Hey. By the way, I can be found in other places besides this podcast. Just search my name on YouTube, and you'll find my channel. Subscribe for periodic how to videos for dealing with breakups and mastering dating. That's right. I said mastering dating. It's a skill, ladies. I can also be found on Instagram at tracy panak. And lastly, I most encourage you to join my email list where you get breakup and dating support delivered to your inbox in addition to getting the most exclusive access to my programs and coaching services. My email list subscribers are the first to know when my coaching programs launch and the only people to get discounts when they're offered.
As always, I'm glad we got into it and looking forward to next time.
Hey. Just a little message before we get started. I offer one on one coaching to women for breakup recovery and dating. So if you're interested, just send me an email at [email protected]. That's [email protected]. And let me know if you're interested, and I can give you information. We can hop on a very brief call to see what your needs are either around dating and or breakup recovery, and I'm really excited to help you on your journey.
[00:00:37] Unknown:
Hey. I'm Tracy Panock, and welcome to the Bitter to Better podcast, where I talk all things love and life that help women live better after breakups. I'm glad you're here, and let's get into it.
[00:00:56] Unknown:
Hello. Hello, ladies. So I'm currently living my best reckless life as I allow my toddler to nap at 05:46PM because he happened to put himself to sleep after our day at the beach, which means that he will not sleep well this evening if I don't wake him up soon. And I don't know if I'm gonna wake him up soon because I actually wanna be productive on recording some podcast episodes. Also, I have just finished my second and a half coffee of the day at 05:45PM, which means I'm not going to sleep. So I guess we'll both be up together tonight, which means I am trying to make the most of my reckless decisions right now by being super productive with some podcast stuff. So here we are. Today's episode is about the test you want to fail or the test that you do not want to pass or whatever I ultimately decide to title this episode.
But, ultimately, it is about you being very aware of what you are allowing, tolerating, and accepting in your dating process, particularly early on in the dating process because we teach people how to treat us. And there are all of these, like, gullible Glenda and desperate Dora, insert any, undesirable quality quality and name. There are all of these sort of things that we can unintentionally start to realize we are accepting and setting ourselves up for. And so then this creates, social contracts with your dating partners that you don't actually want to be signing. So first, let's talk a little bit about social contracts, which ultimately are the agreements whether spoken or unspoken, intentional or unten unintentional that we make with other human beings.
So when we think of a legal contract, we have this idea of there's stuff written on paper, there's different terms you negotiate, and then, once you come to an agreement, everyone signs. And the expectation is that you do not break that contract, that you, and if you do, there are consequences. Right? Well, social contracts work that way as well, except they're a bit more tricky because a lot of things go unsaid, unspoken, assumed, etcetera, etcetera. Because we are, so a lot of social contracts I mean, they can certain aspects absolutely can be verbalized, but oftentimes, a lot of social contracts come about through our behavior.
So you can think about this in any friendship you have, any family relationship you have with coworkers, and especially with romantic relationships. It's one of the things that I talk with couples about a lot when they come into counseling because they'll be together two, five, seven, ten plus years, come into counseling. And then once they're sitting there in front of me, I'm helping them recognize that, oh, the way things currently are, one or both of you don't like the don't like the way it is, but recognize how this came to be. And a lot of these things are things where one or both people could say, yeah, but we never talked about this or I never agreed to this.
You never agreed to it verbally, but you very likely agreed to it behaviorally, such as let's take a simple example where, you know, well, actually well, actually well, actually, a very big common and now coming to light problematic example are women in relationships becoming house manager and taking the significant amount of the mental load and all of this stuff. Google mental load, Google House manager, stuff like that. You'll see all the stuff that's out these days about it. But that is a so that is like a collective social contract that, women and men have signed with one another, where, because, you know, she was the one who was, you know, maybe particularly invested in how the home was set up or looked, she would, you know, jump to do the cleaning or the this or that or the dishes or the cooking or any of these things. And it might not have been explicitly talked about within the couple that, oh, you're going to you know, a woman is going to do, you know, 90% of the household chores and, you know, 80% of the cooking, etcetera, etcetera.
But behaviorally, because she did it, he allowed it, he was, working or doing this, and she was doing that, the way that their lives played out, behaviorally, they both signed this social contract and may come to find, oh, actually, it doesn't work for me or it doesn't work for me anymore. This happens a lot, you know, pre kids versus post having children. What worked for a couple inevitably changes after having kids, but this can also apply to job changes, health changes, change in change in location. I mean, all sorts of things. The point being, there are a lot of behaviors that we'll do at one time in our lives when our lives look one way, and then that doesn't work anymore. But because it's the way everyone had been doing it, we keep doing the same old patterns and then realize, oh, this doesn't feel right. And then may come to a point where we're biting heads because maybe woman in this example is like, I don't want to continue doing 90% of the household chores. And man may say, oh, well but it's always been that way. Like, what changed, or what do you mean, or you never, you know, brought it up as an issue before, etcetera, etcetera.
But oftentimes, because our behaviors lead us here as opposed to our actual words. So why am I talking about all of this? I'm talking about all of this because that's kind of the big picture, kind of long term perspective of how what we allow, what we tolerate, the behavioral patterns we set up can have us signing unintentional social contracts or social contracts that don't ultimately work for us. And I want to be clear on the social contracting. What really we should all be doing is recognizing that when we enter any sort of relationship, any sort of romantic relationship in particular, that there should always be the option of going back to the negotiation table and renegotiating the terms of the contract because life changes our everything, ourselves, our life circumstances, everything. So the reality is if two people are intending to live a life together for a lifetime, then, I mean, the things are gonna have to shift from the time they get together to the time they die.
So, really, we should be prepared to say, hey. At different stages and phases of our life of our life together, let's sit down and check-in with one another to see if this still works, if how we're doing x, y, and z still works. And if not, then we need to talk about it. That's what we should all be entering romantic relationships prepared to do. So let's talk about this from the dating perspective of when you are not just first getting to know someone, but when you're first getting to know someone, but also while while you're dating them, while you're moving from a casual dating phase to an exclusive dating phase and even into the committed relationship. Again, with the committed relationship, we should be prepared to renegotiate the social contracts as we need to over time. But what I'm getting at at here is just noticing and paying attention to the things that you are and are not accepting from your dating experience or your dating partners.
So I just wanna go through maybe a couple that have come to mind for me, but there can be plenty. But just thinking about how when when a guy that you're dating does these things and you allow or tolerate them, thinking about how that might be setting up patterns of behavior and interactions and, like, a relationship dynamic that may not serve you. So somebody who lies early on in the relationship about, really basic things that would eventually have to be revealed, but that are significant such as their age, maybe their occupation, maybe their living arrangement or living situation, whether they have children or not.
I mean, the list could go on and on and on. Just kind of know I guess, where I should start is know what you want and what you're looking for, which is something I always suggest starting with, you know, make that ideal partner list. If you, want a video tutorial of how to make one, please just rate and or review this podcast and send me a screenshot of it to [email protected]. That's t r a c I e at, t as in Tom, p as in Peter, h as in Henry, therapy dot com, and I will send that over to you. But make that ideal partner list. It's the first thing that I say you do and make when you're going to date. Don't get out in the dating streets without it. But know and understand what you're looking for and what you want and what's important to you. And 100% of the women who I work with who create their ideal partner list, they put on there that they want someone who is honest and trustworthy.
So when somebody right at the gate is lying about these things, I don't recommend letting it go. I know someone who, their the person who became their boyfriend for a short period of time lied and said, he was older than he was. And this is these are people in their twenties. So I it's not even that I don't get like, I I think he's, like he was particularly I think they're in their early twenties or something like that. And he, I don't wanna get this wrong, but I don't know if he was only eight like, just under 20 or something like that, and she was maybe, like, early twenties. And he said he was his early twenties. And it's just like so I get from especially a younger guy's perspective like that, he might have wanted to try to get access, sexual access to older women.
But it's not okay to lie, about your age. And besides the ick factor that has to me personally to find that I would have engaged with somebody who was younger than I actually thought they were and all of that, there's just this part for me that I was like, well, foundationally, this this is just not a good foundation to to start any sort of relationship on. If you lied about this, what else are you lying about? And it's something that, like and and, by the way, the person this guy, I think, did did eventually come out come out and just tell her. But I would hate to think that I started anything with someone in this type of basic, like, you know, on something you can look at on someone's, you know, get someone's license or birth certificate or something and see that this is not true. It's just weird and concerning.
And so for me, it's like, we're very early on in this. The stakes are low in terms of me letting you go and letting this go and just moving on with my life. That's something that is, by all means for me, like, oh, you did what? Okay. No. I'm I'm done. Because continuing to interact with you and be with you after me finding out that you lied about something like your age sets it's it's it's the test. It's a test that I have now passed, a test of, well, what will she allow? A test of, well, what, you know, what can I get away with? And I don't necessarily mean it in terms of, like, this person at that time was trying to be malicious or anything like that. They clearly thought they would have a better chance with her if they were, older, and they hoped, you know, that would work out and all of that that sort of thing. But it's like, if this is where we're starting, I don't wanna see where we might end or where we might go. So this is a test, you testing me on what you will allow.
This is a test, and I'm not choosing to pass. I will fail it miserably because what I I what I will instead do is say, okay. Thanks for letting me know, but I think it's better we part ways because we are very early on in this dating, relationship, and this is not something that I want at the start of any relationship. And I don't want to have to be wondering what else you might lie about because this is a very, basic but significant thing for you to lie about.
[00:14:07] Unknown:
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Please and thank you.
[00:15:00] Unknown:
Someone who's constantly canceling and you being like, okay. Alright. That's fine. Or you even being like, this is not fine. I'm mad. I'm upset, but I continue to make plans with you and see what happens. I mean, ask yourself what you are allowing. Ask yourself how you're teaching this person to treat you. You know, if down the road in the relationship, you find that this person is inconsistent and that frustrates you and, you know, he's always been like this. He's always, you know, canceled and not followed through on what he said he was going to do. Then you will have, in essence, done something that your future self will not thank you for by continuing to engage with this person earlier on, after they have shown themselves to be inconsistent.
This happens a lot with couples, where their x number of years down the road into their relationship, they come into counseling, and they're like, he's always been like this. She's always been like this. This has always happened. And so then you kinda look and you're like, okay. So what exactly is your intention right now? Because you have continued to sign and re sign this social contract of teaching this person that you will accept them being inconsistent and not following through. And now x number of years later, you are wanting to renegotiate that this term of the contract, and you have every right to want to renegotiate a term of contract. But do understand how that might not work for that other person.
This has been a very a very significant term of the contract for them to be able to be inconsistent and you still be around, and now you're saying no. No. Thank you. And you have the right to. You may decide that if they can't, change this contract even this far in, that maybe you're done or that you end up staying and continuing to be frustrated and upset about it, or maybe they, you know, really put in the work to change something that they've been doing for many years. That is a way that they apparently function, and you accepted it and allowed it earlier on. And so they had no reason to change it, and so they did it, but now here we are. So things like a person showing like, can't them canceling all the time and not following through is, you know, there can be a lot of practical reasons for it. But one of the things that you might want to consider or think about in terms of the dating process in particular is, you know, is this indicating that you are, you know, not a primary option or choice for them, that maybe they're pushing you aside for other people and things like that in terms of the dating realm. Now, again, every situation is specific. I'm not saying that, like, the person can have things with their kids, with work, all of these things. I'm not saying any of that is legitimate. This is not about, like, trying to lie detect. I'm just saying notice patterns of behavior and understand what you want and need in someone. And if one of those things is consistency in someone who follows through, then you'd wanna ask yourself, is this person consistent and do they generally follow through? Or is there an ongoing pattern of them just saying, yeah. Okay. Yeah. But not so much. And how is that making you feel? Ultimately, that's at the heart of all of this. How am I feeling as a result of my interactions with this person? How am I feeling as a result of dating this person?
Are they contributing in a positive way to my life, or are they taking away from it? And what am I unintentionally teaching this person as to how to treat me? We can kind of keep going on, down the list of of tests you don't want to pass. The test of accepting disrespect, you know, on any ongoing basis. I'm not saying there aren't moments in which someone says something or does something in a way that is not particularly respectful to us, and that means, oh, we're done with them. Well, no. Good luck because you'd probably be done with almost any person, any significant person in your life. We all have our moments where we might say something in a way that isn't the most appropriate or anything like that. But I'm talking about patterns of of behavior, so that's repeated things.
And you continuing to stick around with and be around somebody who is disrespectful to you, is just teaching them that you will accept that and that they can continue to be that way. And it makes it harder for you to come back from that later if you decide, you know what? I'm not standing for this disrespect anymore. You know? You won't talk to me that way. I'll do this or I'll do that. It's just a harder, process for you to correct that down the road. Because, again, the person's like, well, what? They've accepted all this stuff. What do you mean? And oftentimes, when people do get down the road down the line in something like this and you're like, I'm not accepting it anymore, oftentimes, the result is them being done with the relationship and leaving because they're just like, this person, this is how they are. This is how they behave, and this is also what I have ex accepted for x amount of time. And so for me to not deal with or tolerate the disrespect anymore, it might mean literally not being in the relationship anymore. I've decided that that's something that I'm willing to to end in order to get out of this disrespectful, the cycle of disrespect.
The last one I'll mention is someone who just crosses your boundaries in any sort of way. They can cross physical boundaries where they're, you know, touching you in certain ways or, you know, when that you don't like or when you don't like or any of that. Obviously, a significant, boundary breach physically is like actual abuse of someone harming you physically. But they can, verbally cross boundaries in terms of how they talk to you. They can emotionally cross boundaries in terms of how they treat you and make you feel emotionally. They can financially cross boundaries. They can take your money, or they can be super controlling about money. They can, you know, socially cross boundaries, whether it's with other people, interacting with other people, let's say, like, interacting with other women in inappropriate ways or ways that you don't agree or you guys don't agree are okay to interact with, people outside of your relationship.
They can talk to people about your personal business that you don't feel is appropriate. I mean and a lot of these things are nuanced, to be clear, because there's, you know, talking to your closest friends about stuff in your relationship that you would like their advice on versus going in, like, intentionally gossiping about your partner, stuff like that. Again, that's very nuanced and very specific to each relationship. But what I'm getting at is this general breaching of what, of your boundaries, which, to be clear, boundaries are put in place to protect. There's physical boundaries to protect my physical body. There's emotional boundaries to protect me emotionally. There's boundaries around our relationship to protect our relationship, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
And so when somebody is crossing your boundaries, they are they are it's a breach to some form of safety for you. And so you want to ask yourself, what am I teaching this person in terms of how to treat me? What am I accepting, tolerating, allowing? How comfortable are they getting with, physically harming me, emotionally harming me, you know, socially harming me, financially harming me, their drain on my energy, things like that. These are things that you want to always keep in mind. You know, notice what is happening and what you are allowing over and over and over again. What you were saying, yes. Okay. Or it's no big deal. Or it is a big deal, and I'm but I'm gonna I'm gonna be mad about it, but I'm still gonna be here. I'm still gonna deal with it. Always ask yourself, how am I treating how am I teaching people to treat me?
And lastly, I will say that any of these things happening with any consistency ultimately results in a lack of respect, like, on on your partner's behalf. That person likely developing a certain lack of respect for you as a person. And when one person does not respect another person, it makes it much easier for them to mistreat, dismiss, ignore, you know, that person who they don't have respect for. Doesn't make it okay for them to do those things, but it makes it much easier for them to do those things. And so then you want to really think about that impact on your relationship overall. Being with someone who doesn't ultimately have respect for you or doesn't have enough respect for you, that doesn't result in a happy, healthy relationship.
Alright. That's all I have for today. So always be aware of the test that you do not want to pass on this dating journey. You don't want to be the desperate Dora, the gullible Glenda, any of that, the pushover Paula, none of that. None of that. Always, always asking yourself, how am I teaching people to treat me?
[00:24:13] Unknown:
Hey. By the way, I can be found in other places besides this podcast. Just search my name on YouTube, and you'll find my channel. Subscribe for periodic how to videos for dealing with breakups and mastering dating. That's right. I said mastering dating. It's a skill, ladies. I can also be found on Instagram at tracy panak. And lastly, I most encourage you to join my email list where you get breakup and dating support delivered to your inbox in addition to getting the most exclusive access to my programs and coaching services. My email list subscribers are the first to know when my coaching programs launch and the only people to get discounts when they're offered.
As always, I'm glad we got into it and looking forward to next time.
