Ladies ladies ladies PLEASE listen up! So many of us are out here doing ourselves a disservice on the dating apps. In this episode I share some very useful tips for reducing dating app frustration and improving your dating experience via the apps.
***Please rate and review the podcast and respond to the poll and episode question (Spotify only) if you'd like to share your thoughts***
BOOK A FREE CALL
https://calendly.com/traciepinnock
Ep. 9: Why You Should Put A Label On It https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/5aI57E1myAb
MINISODE: Dating Is Romantic Interviewing https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/m3dkSXIzIAb
YouTube:
Why Women Should Date Like Men https://youtu.be/iKHuBBL4wVc
Dealing With Dating Burnout https://youtu.be/lIf4SS3qdcM
Always Label Your Relationships https://youtu.be/RmP7eoMwfxk
Join my email list
https://tphtherapy.us14.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=be02a721b82e4378558515ed3&id=888df392e4
Subscribe to my YouTube channel
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHVUSpAJ869rH817vCwLY3Q
Follow me on Instagram
https://www.instagram.com/traciepinnock/
Send me an email: [email protected]
*****************************************************
Tawkify https://tawkify.com/home
The League https://www.theleague.com/
eHarmony https://www.eharmony.com/
Match https://www.match.com/
Hinge https://hinge.co/
Bumble https://bumble.com/
Tinder https://tinder.com/
Johnny and Lara https://johnnyandlara.com/
[00:00:06]
Unknown:
Hey, I'm Tracy Pinnock and welcome to the Bitter to Better podcast, where I talk all things love and life that help women live better after breakups. I'm glad you're here, and let's get into it.
[00:00:24] Unknown:
Welcome, ladies. Welcome. Let's talk today about effectively using dating apps. My goodness. There's a lot to say on this topic. I don't even know that I'll have said it all in this episode. This is likely an ongoing conversation, but I definitely have some thoughts. Some thoughts that I would like to share, some thoughts that I have shared here and there, I think, on YouTube. I obviously share in my actual one on one sessions with clients, but I just there are just some things that can really help women reduce the torture and turmoil of dating by doing a few things differently when they're dealing with online dating.
So here are my thoughts, just gonna get right on into it. So first of all, we really need to reconceptualize the way we think about online dating apps, websites, platforms. What I mean here is you really should think about a dating app as a directory to get exposure to people, to expose yourself to people, and therefore just to meet people. What I mean here is do not use dating apps as matchmaking apps unless it actually is a matchmaking app such as Talkify. That is an actual matchmaking service, and you pay you pay matchmaking prices, like, a couple thousands of dollars for them to actually matchmake you. But for the most part, Hinge, Jim Bumble, and Tinder, match.com, even eHarmony, which has a matchmaking element because they ask you a lot of they do, like, assessments or ask you a lot of questions.
But they are places to find people, and then you need to do the dating in person. So it it causes a lot of strife for us to feel like, oh, because I met someone on the dating app, that should equate to putting all of this, you know, pressure on talking to them through the app and getting to know them through the app, maybe over the phone. And so then maybe I'll decide to go see them in person, and then maybe that can become and I I have talked on and on about why you do not wait too long to meet someone in person, and I'm going to get to that. Actually, I guess that leads me kind of into, one of my next points.
Actually, it's not my very next point, so we'll get there. I will get to the whole using apps in an appropriate way to meet people in person. But what I'm getting at is let's first reconceptualize how we're thinking about the app. The app is not the place you go to just get match made with someone and say, oh, I like them. Okay. This match is great. Okay. We can, like, make this work. You have no idea if you can make it work. You don't know them. You don't even know if they're lying on their profile. Like so which is why you don't sit there dating through the app. You meet them through the app. You're like, hey. You make contact with them. You make contact with them enough to set up a in person meetup, a date, and then you go from there.
Now if I were to, like, lead someone from step a to step z through the process of online dating, or I should say I have led people through that process, then I would start with how you present yourself on the dating app. Now as I've already spoken about in episode one of this podcast, I am a heterosexual cisgender woman. I, so a lot of what I talk about is from this perspective. And in this case, this very much applies. I am talking about if you are a heterosexual cisgender woman who is on dating apps and you are wanting to date heterosexual men, then these things matter.
You want to put your best physical foot forward on dating apps. You want to look as pretty and attractive as possible. Yep. That's it. That's the hard and dirty nitty gritty of it. I think there's a lot of it that's obvious because most people want to present their best physical selves, but I also think there's an aspect of that that maybe, people can tend to resist because they're like, oh, shouldn't it not be all about looks and this, that, and the third. We can get to that. Yeah. Compatibility is not all about looks. Like, actually, deciding if you can be a life partner with somebody is not all about looks. But I must tell you, it tends to begin with looks. And when we want to deny that, then we will set ourselves up for more frustrating for more frustration in the dating process. Here's the other thing about it, and this is why it's very important that I'm making the point of if you are dating heterosexual, male identifying people, they're prioritizing physical looks. And when it comes to an online platform, that is the first thing any of us are gonna get from someone is how they physically look. We have not spoken to them yet. We might, you know, see their picture then read a profile, some things, some questions they answered, but we are not getting any sort of sense of chemistry between them, their mannerisms, how we vibe with them, the sound of their voice, any of that stuff. We're not getting any of that. So that's what we're leading with. So, yeah, we wanna start with putting up our best photos, the the photos where we feel we look the best because that's going to be the initial, draw for a guy who is looking to date you.
So that's the first thing. So the other thing about this is interesting. The other thing about women's photos on dating apps is and this is actually men and women. Men and women tend to present themselves on dating apps the way they based on what they would find interesting and attractive. But the the issue is that for men, since they really are prioritizing physical looks, beauty, signs of fertility, youth, all of that sort of stuff, they might think, oh, I need to put all these hot looking photos of myself. In women, we are generally prioritizing value.
Obviously want to be physically attracted to the person, but we're looking at okay. If first of all, if you're someone who's looking at kids, you're looking at what are different, indicators that they would be a good parent, that they would be a loyal partner, that they will be a stable partner so financially and, you know, their habits, you know, their health habits, all of that sort of stuff. So what we would consider like value, value metrics. That's what women are tending to prioritize. So men might think, oh, let me put a bunch of hot photos of myself up because I'm looking for hot photos of women. Whereas for a lot of women, if a man looks too good, your immediate thought is, oh, no. Mm-mm. Uh-uh. Not touching that with 10 foot pole. He's a player. He's a playboy. No. Thank you.
And for men for women, what we oftentimes like to see is, you know, a attractive enough looking guy doing fun things. Like, do you have a life? I don't know. Do you like to surf, or do you have friends? Do you go, you know, out with people? Do you socialize? Things like that. And so we will tend to put photos of ourselves up kind of doing things with people and all of that. And I'm here to let you know, honey, that that's not the first thing a guy's looking for. It ain't. It ain't. So I'm not saying don't put photos of yourself doing fun things. What I am saying is you do want to be mindful of putting your best physical foot forward in the photos of you doing fun things and stuff like that. Very important.
So on to my next point. Like as many profiles and send as many messages as you can. And by as you can, I mean, regarding anybody's profile who you are interested in? Women will get on the apps, and then they'll just kinda sit there. And the thing about it is, because you are a woman, just sitting there gets you better results than a man who gets on the app and just sits there. Yes. Men are going to like your profile, and they're gonna come into your DMs because men's goal, what they are focused on and should be focused on in dating is trying to to get access to as many women as possible who are interested in wanting to go out on date with them, be around them, sleep with them. Like, they need to build their numbers. Women don't have to work so hard at building their numbers. Women need to be focused on vetting the partners or the potential partners who come to them so that you're not wasting your time and getting burned in the process. So a woman can sit there and have men come to her, but also you would be thinking about what are the, quality of those men. And by quality, that is a subjective term on what you identify as a quality person. So that is for you. Use the ideal partner list. Remember, send me screenshot of your rating or review of this podcast, and I will send you the link to creating your ideal partner list. But anyway so women will, like, kinda get on there and they're like, oh, I didn't do much with the app. But if you are serious about dating, I'm here to say you do need to be active on the app.
I like to set goals, like, okay. I want to, like, you know, I wanna aim to, like, you know, at least five profiles a day and send at least two DMs to someone a day who, like, I, you know, I'm particularly interested in, or 10 a day, whatever. But, yeah, it's like a part time job. So decide that you're gonna go on every day to the app, you're going to find profiles to like, and you're gonna find even a couple to DM and say hello and, you know, drop the first line and see where they take it from there. But don't create these apps. Sit there and not be active and then pout about it not working out. I don't know what to tell you. So
[00:10:05] Unknown:
Do you like what you're hearing? Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Want to help the pod? If so, please know it's greatly appreciated, and I welcome you to support the Bitter to Better podcast however you can. Might I suggest a few options? First, please rate and review the show on Spotify, Apple podcast, or whatever platform you choose. Next, how about sending this podcast to one friend who you know could use it? This way, she can't say you've never given her anything. If you're really riding with me, talk about the show on social media and tag me. I'm at tracy panok on Instagram. And lastly, if you ever use any products or services I mentioned in the pod, can you tell them Tracy Pinnock from the Bitter to Better podcast sent you?
Please and thank you.
[00:10:57] Unknown:
The next thing is this is a big one. Oh my gosh. Ladies do this way too often, and it's highly frustrating to see because it really, really negatively impacts your dating experience. Don't get exclusive in the DMs. Please stop doing this. I definitely have a YouTube video on this one. It's probably in the rotational dating, date like a man video. When you meet somebody on a dating app and you're having a good conversation through DMs, do not get over focused on only talking to that person so that when other people are coming into your DMs, you're like, not giving them much time of day Even though maybe they could have been a potentially good option, but you just kind of over focus on this one guy. And just because you're having good conversation in the DMs with the guy, don't stop doing what I just told you the step before, which is going out and looking yourself and liking profiles and sending an initial DM. Please don't stop doing that. You don't stop doing that until you are exclusively dating someone.
So what I need you to do is talk to multiple people in your DMs. Someone sending you a DM message is not a proposal. It's not a commitment of marriage. It is not, a commitment of a lifetime partnership. It is someone saying, hey. Hi. Might want to get to know you. Okay? I'm gonna need you to stop being exclusive in the DMs. Oh, I can't tell. There's too many men in my okay. That's fine. Put all your eggs in one basket before you've even met this person this person in person, before you've had any real sense of being able to vet them. Go ahead and do it. Let me know how that works out. Next, don't date in the DMs. Oh, what is she talking about? This is a dating app. Why wouldn't I?
I do my dating in person. I do my meeting virtually. I see someone's profile. I communicate with them whether they send me a DM or I send them a DM. We go back and forth for a little bit enough to establish contact in order to set up an in person meeting. And if you've been listening to anything that I say for any bit of time, you know that I say you get that in person meeting as soon as possible. I like it within a week or two ideally when when, you know, schedules allow because I do not want to spend time getting a sense of a person or making up my idea of a person through DMs. Absolutely not. That can be one of the hugest let downs to finally meet somebody months later in person, weeks later in person, and be like, oh, actually, we don't vibe or actually, I'm not as attracted to them as I thought or for them to feel the same way about you. You wanna get that out of the way.
You want to, you know, do a quick coffee date or grab a drink or go for a walk in the park or something. You could do a formal dinner, whatever. I like first meetings to, be something quick so that if I'm not feeling it, I don't have to sit through a whole dinner awkwardly, But whatever method you choose, but get to see them in person as soon as possible. So do not sit there DMing back and forth. Good morning. How's it going? Oh, my day's good. Don't even. Some people take it like, okay. Well, we got each other's phone numbers, so we're talking on the phone or we're texting. Uh-huh. That is good. That's a great next step. Make that happen pretty quickly, but, like, the person needs to be taking you out on a date. You guys didn't even meet us in person. Okay? You no. Because the number of times that women have find themselves in situations where they are dating this man through DMs or through text or on the phone, and then they finally meet up in person and it ain't what they wanted it to be, it the number of times is is, many.
And the issue is it can start to really lead you to dating burnout because you are putting all this time and energy into interactions with someone only for it to not work out, and you could have found that out weeks ago, months ago. So highly recommend you immediately get some sort of in person meeting soon after deciding that you are interested in even talking to them. Now, obviously, yeah, if you're in the DMs and you decide that this person is not worth talking to and not worth your time, then don't don't set up an in person meeting and actually stop talking to them. Don't even give them more time and energy. But, yeah, if someone who you still want to continue to engage in or engage with, then you should meet in person as soon as possible.
And then remain active on the apps until you're exclusively dating someone. So don't meet somebody in person, go on a date with them, be enjoying the time, and then decide, oh, I'm not gonna be using the apps anymore. Found this person. We're gonna we've gone on a couple of dates, so I'm just gonna focus on this. No. No. No. No. No. Because at that point, you are still casually dating. And, again, my idea of casually dating is dating more than one person because you have not made commitments to one another. You have not had the exclusively dating conversation where you say, hey. I'd like to focus on only going out with you and you only going out with me, which is still a step before a committed relationship. Again, listen to my relationship categories episodes, my content on YouTube. I go on and on about it. The point being that you are making the point that you are still out here getting to know multiple people because you need to be vetting them, you need to be asking questions of multiple people and going on a date to multiple people and getting a feel for multiple people, what you like and what you don't like, all of that good stuff. You do not want to, get unofficially exclusive too soon. And by unofficially exclusive, I mean, you two haven't had the exclusive dating conversation. So quite frankly, the other person could not feel that you're, you know, mean that you're exclusive at all, and yet you aren't active on the apps. So you're not meeting new people, not bringing new people into your circle, stuff like that. Stop doing that. I mean, women do it all the time. And I get it. It could be energy draining and exhausting to, excuse me, date multiple people at a time, which is one of the reasons why I'm so big on women honing their vetting skills so they can vet people out as quickly as possible so that you don't have, you know, multiple people who you're, like, not really that into and you're just kinda, like, dragging them around. That's exhausting. Absolutely.
So we wanna be out here being, like, yes, no, yes, no, maybe. Okay. I'll give you another child. Let's see. You wanna really be honing that that skill, and the only way you can hone that skill is by actually practicing that skill. And the only way you can practice that skill is by actually dating multiple people so you have different interactions and relationships to practice that skill on. So this was the long and short of how to effectively use dating apps. I know there is more to this when people bring up specific situations that they're like, oh, what about when this happens or how do I do this?
Then I think that that might be, a useful future episode to maybe answer specific questions when it comes to that. But these are just some, like, straight, like, right from the beginning tips that I would give you around how to make the most of the dating apps because I know they can be highly frustrating. They get a bad rap for some understandable reasons, but also a lot of it is our own behavior. By our, I mean men, women, anyone who's on the app. Ways in which we do ourselves a disservice because we're not taking the most, effective, actions when it comes to some of these things. So that's all I have for today. Talk to you next week.
[00:18:16] Unknown:
Hey. By the way, I can be found in other places besides this podcast. Just search my name on YouTube, and you'll find my channel. Subscribe for periodic how to videos for dealing with breakups and mastering dating. That's right. I said mastering dating. It's a skill, ladies. I can also be found on Instagram at tracy panach. And lastly, I most encourage you to join my email list where you get breakup and dating support delivered to your inbox in addition to getting the most exclusive access to my programs and coaching services. My email list subscribers are the first to know when my coaching programs launch and the only people to get discounts when they're offered.
As always, I'm glad we got into it and looking forward to next time.
Hey, I'm Tracy Pinnock and welcome to the Bitter to Better podcast, where I talk all things love and life that help women live better after breakups. I'm glad you're here, and let's get into it.
[00:00:24] Unknown:
Welcome, ladies. Welcome. Let's talk today about effectively using dating apps. My goodness. There's a lot to say on this topic. I don't even know that I'll have said it all in this episode. This is likely an ongoing conversation, but I definitely have some thoughts. Some thoughts that I would like to share, some thoughts that I have shared here and there, I think, on YouTube. I obviously share in my actual one on one sessions with clients, but I just there are just some things that can really help women reduce the torture and turmoil of dating by doing a few things differently when they're dealing with online dating.
So here are my thoughts, just gonna get right on into it. So first of all, we really need to reconceptualize the way we think about online dating apps, websites, platforms. What I mean here is you really should think about a dating app as a directory to get exposure to people, to expose yourself to people, and therefore just to meet people. What I mean here is do not use dating apps as matchmaking apps unless it actually is a matchmaking app such as Talkify. That is an actual matchmaking service, and you pay you pay matchmaking prices, like, a couple thousands of dollars for them to actually matchmake you. But for the most part, Hinge, Jim Bumble, and Tinder, match.com, even eHarmony, which has a matchmaking element because they ask you a lot of they do, like, assessments or ask you a lot of questions.
But they are places to find people, and then you need to do the dating in person. So it it causes a lot of strife for us to feel like, oh, because I met someone on the dating app, that should equate to putting all of this, you know, pressure on talking to them through the app and getting to know them through the app, maybe over the phone. And so then maybe I'll decide to go see them in person, and then maybe that can become and I I have talked on and on about why you do not wait too long to meet someone in person, and I'm going to get to that. Actually, I guess that leads me kind of into, one of my next points.
Actually, it's not my very next point, so we'll get there. I will get to the whole using apps in an appropriate way to meet people in person. But what I'm getting at is let's first reconceptualize how we're thinking about the app. The app is not the place you go to just get match made with someone and say, oh, I like them. Okay. This match is great. Okay. We can, like, make this work. You have no idea if you can make it work. You don't know them. You don't even know if they're lying on their profile. Like so which is why you don't sit there dating through the app. You meet them through the app. You're like, hey. You make contact with them. You make contact with them enough to set up a in person meetup, a date, and then you go from there.
Now if I were to, like, lead someone from step a to step z through the process of online dating, or I should say I have led people through that process, then I would start with how you present yourself on the dating app. Now as I've already spoken about in episode one of this podcast, I am a heterosexual cisgender woman. I, so a lot of what I talk about is from this perspective. And in this case, this very much applies. I am talking about if you are a heterosexual cisgender woman who is on dating apps and you are wanting to date heterosexual men, then these things matter.
You want to put your best physical foot forward on dating apps. You want to look as pretty and attractive as possible. Yep. That's it. That's the hard and dirty nitty gritty of it. I think there's a lot of it that's obvious because most people want to present their best physical selves, but I also think there's an aspect of that that maybe, people can tend to resist because they're like, oh, shouldn't it not be all about looks and this, that, and the third. We can get to that. Yeah. Compatibility is not all about looks. Like, actually, deciding if you can be a life partner with somebody is not all about looks. But I must tell you, it tends to begin with looks. And when we want to deny that, then we will set ourselves up for more frustrating for more frustration in the dating process. Here's the other thing about it, and this is why it's very important that I'm making the point of if you are dating heterosexual, male identifying people, they're prioritizing physical looks. And when it comes to an online platform, that is the first thing any of us are gonna get from someone is how they physically look. We have not spoken to them yet. We might, you know, see their picture then read a profile, some things, some questions they answered, but we are not getting any sort of sense of chemistry between them, their mannerisms, how we vibe with them, the sound of their voice, any of that stuff. We're not getting any of that. So that's what we're leading with. So, yeah, we wanna start with putting up our best photos, the the photos where we feel we look the best because that's going to be the initial, draw for a guy who is looking to date you.
So that's the first thing. So the other thing about this is interesting. The other thing about women's photos on dating apps is and this is actually men and women. Men and women tend to present themselves on dating apps the way they based on what they would find interesting and attractive. But the the issue is that for men, since they really are prioritizing physical looks, beauty, signs of fertility, youth, all of that sort of stuff, they might think, oh, I need to put all these hot looking photos of myself. In women, we are generally prioritizing value.
Obviously want to be physically attracted to the person, but we're looking at okay. If first of all, if you're someone who's looking at kids, you're looking at what are different, indicators that they would be a good parent, that they would be a loyal partner, that they will be a stable partner so financially and, you know, their habits, you know, their health habits, all of that sort of stuff. So what we would consider like value, value metrics. That's what women are tending to prioritize. So men might think, oh, let me put a bunch of hot photos of myself up because I'm looking for hot photos of women. Whereas for a lot of women, if a man looks too good, your immediate thought is, oh, no. Mm-mm. Uh-uh. Not touching that with 10 foot pole. He's a player. He's a playboy. No. Thank you.
And for men for women, what we oftentimes like to see is, you know, a attractive enough looking guy doing fun things. Like, do you have a life? I don't know. Do you like to surf, or do you have friends? Do you go, you know, out with people? Do you socialize? Things like that. And so we will tend to put photos of ourselves up kind of doing things with people and all of that. And I'm here to let you know, honey, that that's not the first thing a guy's looking for. It ain't. It ain't. So I'm not saying don't put photos of yourself doing fun things. What I am saying is you do want to be mindful of putting your best physical foot forward in the photos of you doing fun things and stuff like that. Very important.
So on to my next point. Like as many profiles and send as many messages as you can. And by as you can, I mean, regarding anybody's profile who you are interested in? Women will get on the apps, and then they'll just kinda sit there. And the thing about it is, because you are a woman, just sitting there gets you better results than a man who gets on the app and just sits there. Yes. Men are going to like your profile, and they're gonna come into your DMs because men's goal, what they are focused on and should be focused on in dating is trying to to get access to as many women as possible who are interested in wanting to go out on date with them, be around them, sleep with them. Like, they need to build their numbers. Women don't have to work so hard at building their numbers. Women need to be focused on vetting the partners or the potential partners who come to them so that you're not wasting your time and getting burned in the process. So a woman can sit there and have men come to her, but also you would be thinking about what are the, quality of those men. And by quality, that is a subjective term on what you identify as a quality person. So that is for you. Use the ideal partner list. Remember, send me screenshot of your rating or review of this podcast, and I will send you the link to creating your ideal partner list. But anyway so women will, like, kinda get on there and they're like, oh, I didn't do much with the app. But if you are serious about dating, I'm here to say you do need to be active on the app.
I like to set goals, like, okay. I want to, like, you know, I wanna aim to, like, you know, at least five profiles a day and send at least two DMs to someone a day who, like, I, you know, I'm particularly interested in, or 10 a day, whatever. But, yeah, it's like a part time job. So decide that you're gonna go on every day to the app, you're going to find profiles to like, and you're gonna find even a couple to DM and say hello and, you know, drop the first line and see where they take it from there. But don't create these apps. Sit there and not be active and then pout about it not working out. I don't know what to tell you. So
[00:10:05] Unknown:
Do you like what you're hearing? Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Want to help the pod? If so, please know it's greatly appreciated, and I welcome you to support the Bitter to Better podcast however you can. Might I suggest a few options? First, please rate and review the show on Spotify, Apple podcast, or whatever platform you choose. Next, how about sending this podcast to one friend who you know could use it? This way, she can't say you've never given her anything. If you're really riding with me, talk about the show on social media and tag me. I'm at tracy panok on Instagram. And lastly, if you ever use any products or services I mentioned in the pod, can you tell them Tracy Pinnock from the Bitter to Better podcast sent you?
Please and thank you.
[00:10:57] Unknown:
The next thing is this is a big one. Oh my gosh. Ladies do this way too often, and it's highly frustrating to see because it really, really negatively impacts your dating experience. Don't get exclusive in the DMs. Please stop doing this. I definitely have a YouTube video on this one. It's probably in the rotational dating, date like a man video. When you meet somebody on a dating app and you're having a good conversation through DMs, do not get over focused on only talking to that person so that when other people are coming into your DMs, you're like, not giving them much time of day Even though maybe they could have been a potentially good option, but you just kind of over focus on this one guy. And just because you're having good conversation in the DMs with the guy, don't stop doing what I just told you the step before, which is going out and looking yourself and liking profiles and sending an initial DM. Please don't stop doing that. You don't stop doing that until you are exclusively dating someone.
So what I need you to do is talk to multiple people in your DMs. Someone sending you a DM message is not a proposal. It's not a commitment of marriage. It is not, a commitment of a lifetime partnership. It is someone saying, hey. Hi. Might want to get to know you. Okay? I'm gonna need you to stop being exclusive in the DMs. Oh, I can't tell. There's too many men in my okay. That's fine. Put all your eggs in one basket before you've even met this person this person in person, before you've had any real sense of being able to vet them. Go ahead and do it. Let me know how that works out. Next, don't date in the DMs. Oh, what is she talking about? This is a dating app. Why wouldn't I?
I do my dating in person. I do my meeting virtually. I see someone's profile. I communicate with them whether they send me a DM or I send them a DM. We go back and forth for a little bit enough to establish contact in order to set up an in person meeting. And if you've been listening to anything that I say for any bit of time, you know that I say you get that in person meeting as soon as possible. I like it within a week or two ideally when when, you know, schedules allow because I do not want to spend time getting a sense of a person or making up my idea of a person through DMs. Absolutely not. That can be one of the hugest let downs to finally meet somebody months later in person, weeks later in person, and be like, oh, actually, we don't vibe or actually, I'm not as attracted to them as I thought or for them to feel the same way about you. You wanna get that out of the way.
You want to, you know, do a quick coffee date or grab a drink or go for a walk in the park or something. You could do a formal dinner, whatever. I like first meetings to, be something quick so that if I'm not feeling it, I don't have to sit through a whole dinner awkwardly, But whatever method you choose, but get to see them in person as soon as possible. So do not sit there DMing back and forth. Good morning. How's it going? Oh, my day's good. Don't even. Some people take it like, okay. Well, we got each other's phone numbers, so we're talking on the phone or we're texting. Uh-huh. That is good. That's a great next step. Make that happen pretty quickly, but, like, the person needs to be taking you out on a date. You guys didn't even meet us in person. Okay? You no. Because the number of times that women have find themselves in situations where they are dating this man through DMs or through text or on the phone, and then they finally meet up in person and it ain't what they wanted it to be, it the number of times is is, many.
And the issue is it can start to really lead you to dating burnout because you are putting all this time and energy into interactions with someone only for it to not work out, and you could have found that out weeks ago, months ago. So highly recommend you immediately get some sort of in person meeting soon after deciding that you are interested in even talking to them. Now, obviously, yeah, if you're in the DMs and you decide that this person is not worth talking to and not worth your time, then don't don't set up an in person meeting and actually stop talking to them. Don't even give them more time and energy. But, yeah, if someone who you still want to continue to engage in or engage with, then you should meet in person as soon as possible.
And then remain active on the apps until you're exclusively dating someone. So don't meet somebody in person, go on a date with them, be enjoying the time, and then decide, oh, I'm not gonna be using the apps anymore. Found this person. We're gonna we've gone on a couple of dates, so I'm just gonna focus on this. No. No. No. No. No. Because at that point, you are still casually dating. And, again, my idea of casually dating is dating more than one person because you have not made commitments to one another. You have not had the exclusively dating conversation where you say, hey. I'd like to focus on only going out with you and you only going out with me, which is still a step before a committed relationship. Again, listen to my relationship categories episodes, my content on YouTube. I go on and on about it. The point being that you are making the point that you are still out here getting to know multiple people because you need to be vetting them, you need to be asking questions of multiple people and going on a date to multiple people and getting a feel for multiple people, what you like and what you don't like, all of that good stuff. You do not want to, get unofficially exclusive too soon. And by unofficially exclusive, I mean, you two haven't had the exclusive dating conversation. So quite frankly, the other person could not feel that you're, you know, mean that you're exclusive at all, and yet you aren't active on the apps. So you're not meeting new people, not bringing new people into your circle, stuff like that. Stop doing that. I mean, women do it all the time. And I get it. It could be energy draining and exhausting to, excuse me, date multiple people at a time, which is one of the reasons why I'm so big on women honing their vetting skills so they can vet people out as quickly as possible so that you don't have, you know, multiple people who you're, like, not really that into and you're just kinda, like, dragging them around. That's exhausting. Absolutely.
So we wanna be out here being, like, yes, no, yes, no, maybe. Okay. I'll give you another child. Let's see. You wanna really be honing that that skill, and the only way you can hone that skill is by actually practicing that skill. And the only way you can practice that skill is by actually dating multiple people so you have different interactions and relationships to practice that skill on. So this was the long and short of how to effectively use dating apps. I know there is more to this when people bring up specific situations that they're like, oh, what about when this happens or how do I do this?
Then I think that that might be, a useful future episode to maybe answer specific questions when it comes to that. But these are just some, like, straight, like, right from the beginning tips that I would give you around how to make the most of the dating apps because I know they can be highly frustrating. They get a bad rap for some understandable reasons, but also a lot of it is our own behavior. By our, I mean men, women, anyone who's on the app. Ways in which we do ourselves a disservice because we're not taking the most, effective, actions when it comes to some of these things. So that's all I have for today. Talk to you next week.
[00:18:16] Unknown:
Hey. By the way, I can be found in other places besides this podcast. Just search my name on YouTube, and you'll find my channel. Subscribe for periodic how to videos for dealing with breakups and mastering dating. That's right. I said mastering dating. It's a skill, ladies. I can also be found on Instagram at tracy panach. And lastly, I most encourage you to join my email list where you get breakup and dating support delivered to your inbox in addition to getting the most exclusive access to my programs and coaching services. My email list subscribers are the first to know when my coaching programs launch and the only people to get discounts when they're offered.
As always, I'm glad we got into it and looking forward to next time.
