Girl...NOTHING. You're perfect! Okay...but seriously. In this episode I talk about many women's tendencies to ask the question, "what's wrong with me?", when the guy they're dating doesn't want to commit. I discuss why this is an unhelpful question and what to do about a guy who doesn't want to commit.
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[00:00:06]
Unknown:
Hey, I'm Tracy Pinnock and welcome to the Bitter to Better podcast, where I talk all things love and life that help women live better after breakups. I'm glad you're here, and let's get into it.
[00:00:24] Unknown:
So today, I want to talk about this idea of what's wrong with me. Something that I hear women say a lot when it comes to recognizing that a dating partner, a man who they are interested in being great or are a great person themselves and all of these positive attributes and qualities that they have. So, like, why can't he just, you know, want to be with her? And I always say, you know, well, what's wrong with you? Nothing? Because and this is not saying that we don't all have things to work on. Absolutely. But this this whole idea of I'm not good enough for this person, what it really comes down to in situations like this, it really is that good old cliche, it's not you, it's me. And what I mean here is this often does not come down to the woman not being good enough or being a problem, but it comes down to the person in this situation, the guy who does not want commitment at this time. And there can be multiple reasons why he doesn't want that.
Reasons that are his own that might be interesting for the woman to know, but still don't change the fact that that's not a desire of his. And so this comes down to a difference in preferences and needs, not, you know, fully down to, oh, this person isn't good enough or anything like that. There's absolutely a compatibility factor that needs to be considered. So I'm not saying that, there aren't situations where also there might be things about the two people involved that are not compatible. But overall, when the woman is seeing that the guy enjoys spending time with her, they enjoy spending time together, they laugh, they support one another emotionally and maybe in other ways as well, and they, have, you know, similar, you know, interest or similar, you know, values and philosophies or even goals in life and things like that, and yet he's like, I'm not ready or I don't wanna commit or I don't want to be married or I don't want to x y and z, then it can be very disappointing to accept this.
And oftentimes, what happens is the woman, of course, would ask him why doesn't he want to commit? Is it me? What are your reasons? And sometimes, she gets these very clear, reasons that are about the the guy, the person, whether it's I don't want, you know well, I would say this one I don't know that this gets spoken blatantly a lot by the guys, but I do think that there it it is a common factor, which is I don't want the responsibilities and obligations of commitment. I enjoy the perks of a relationship, but don't really want the various obligations or responsibilities. So, you know, when you're currently engaging with one another as if you would as if you are in a relationship, kind of everything except the title and except the, agreement of, like, monogamy or the agreement of, you know, living together, things like that. So when you are perks of coupledom, but not necessarily some of those obligations that maybe he's not comfortable with. So what I was saying was if the woman asked him why he doesn't want to commit, she can get very clear answers such as his own personal reasons for why he doesn't want to or isn't ready, whether it's not wanting, you know, not wanting to live with someone or not wanting the financial obligation or not wanting the monogamy or having been hurt in the past and not being over that or any of those things, she may get responses that where he clearly states things about the two of them together that he doesn't think is a good match for commitment. So being able to say, hey. Well, I do this or you do that or I want this and you want that. And so those are the how can I say? Those are the the helpful responses where he's giving clear specific reasons why he doesn't want to commit.
Also, women can get responses that are just very vague. The I don't know. The guy who doesn't know why he doesn't want to commit. That that's a that's a doozy, because what do you go with there? I mean, the thing about it is and I think in those situations, it becomes even easier for the woman to feel like there's something wrong with her because the guy has no clear answer as to what makes him not want to commit to her. But I think that's also an important distinction. Is this somebody who doesn't want to commit to you or is this someone who does not want to commit to anyone?
And again, right now or for the rest of their lives, like, all of these different factors matter. So if you find yourself in this type of situation, I just really encourage you to do your best to remove to to take moments at least, to remove the emotion from it and look at the logic and what is being shown to you and said to you. Meaning, recognize if you recognize that you have such great qualities, meaning, like, if you're like, hey, but I bring this to the relationship and I do this for him and I do all of that. So if you're able to recognize that you have positives positive positive things going for you, then then look at that and say, okay.
Well, if he's saying that it's him, it's not me. If he's saying that I just don't want to commit for x, y, and z reasons, let me take that at face value because here's the thing. Women will spend a lot of energy and time trying to, like, get to the bottom of why he doesn't wanna commit to her. It has to be this. It has to be something else. And the truth of the matter is even if it is even if it is, it doesn't take away the fact that he doesn't wanna commit. So you finding the answer recording location change. So as I was saying, you finding out the answer to why he doesn't want to commit ultimately doesn't change the fact that that he doesn't want to commit, whether it's to you or to someone else. Granted, I recognize that a lot of times the hope is that if you can find the answer as to why he doesn't want to commit, maybe you can change that or you can get an understanding of if it's something that is changeable. So, of course, you would ask these questions and hope that you get responses that are clear and specific and give you some good good information. Because, yeah, if the person is saying, I don't want to commit right now, I want to work on x, y, and z, that's one thing. Then you have information there and can decide if you want to wait for that person to make those changes. Or if they're saying, I don't want to commit to you based on the ways we interact or something you do, then you can decide if that's something you want to work on changing or shifting.
So there is value, of course, in asking and trying to get an answer to this. But, honestly, if you're given the response that this is someone who just doesn't want to commit in their life in in general or someone who doesn't know why they don't want to commit, things like that, then spending a lot of time trying to, like, help them uncover it or things like that don't necessarily work to your benefit. At least not if you have certain relationship goals in mind and maybe even certain general timelines in mind. You don't want to spend a bunch of time trying to convince someone to commit to you. Quite frankly, even if you are, in quote, successful with that and they come around, there is concern for how legitimate that is and how internalized that is for them. Like, are they making that decision now because of an ultimatum or because, you know, you convince them or whatever it might be? Ultimately, you want someone committing to you because they want to, because they have a strong desire to do so, not because they feel obligated, not because they need you, like, for financial stability or emotional stability or any of those sort of things, for housing, you name it.
You want someone to commit because they have the actual desire to and that it is a, self initiated internalized desire. So what do you do if you're with someone who doesn't want to commit? You focus on what you want. And what I mean here is you might say, I know what I want. I want this person and their qualities and their traits, but also something you want is a person who wants to commit to you. So, that ideal partner list that I go on and on about, there's past episodes. I talk about it on my YouTube channel. If you write a review on the podcast platform of your choice and you send me a screenshot of it to [email protected], then I will send you a free video tutorial on how to create the ideal partner list.
But, ultimately, it's a list of the characteristics, traits, life circumstances of your ideal partner. And one of the things that you should be putting on your ideal partner list is someone who wants to commit to me. That is that is something that you want in your partner. You want them to have a desire to commit to you. So you might see this person who you're with right now and see all these wonderful things about them and all of those characteristics and traits would go on your list, but one of the things that's missing is their desire to commit to you. So that is clearly something that you would then be adding to your list.
[00:11:20] Unknown:
Do you like what you're hearing? Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Want to help the pod? If so, please know it's greatly appreciated, and I welcome you to support the Bitter to Better podcast however you can. Might I suggest a few options? First, please rate and review the show on Spotify, Apple Podcast, or whatever platform you choose. Next, how about sending this podcast to one friend who you know could use it? This way, she can't say you've never given her anything. If you're really riding with me, talk about the show on social media and tag me. I'm at tracy panok on Instagram. And lastly, if you ever use any products or services I mentioned in the pod, can you tell them Tracey panok from the Bitter to Better podcast sent you?
Please, and thank you.
[00:12:13] Unknown:
So in summary, I do realize that this may be a bit disappointing in that when someone does not want to commit to you, there is nothing that you can ultimately do in terms of changing the outcome of that. At least not if their reasons for not wanting to commit are that they don't want to commit to anyone, they don't know, or they do know and it has to do with the nature of what a committed relationship would involve. If those are the reasons why they don't want to commit, then it's about them and not about you. And therefore, there's nothing you can do about that. And therefore, it is about doing yourself the favor of recognizing that you need to end this relationship if it's not serving you or decide that you are okay with having a different dynamic with this person, meaning continuing to engage with them, but from a perspective of casually dating them and not being in a committed relationship with them.
Now if their reasons for not wanting to commit to you have to do with things that they identify as, your behavior or certain life circumstances of yours, then you have some things that are potentially within your control that you can adjust if you so choose. If you feel that they have a legitimate point or if you feel like there are things about yourself or your life that you want to change. Maybe the things that they are not happy not happy with or maybe the things that they are identifying as reasons not to commit to you are things that you have no interest in changing in yourself, and that's your prerogative.
So in those cases, if there are things that are within your control to change or manage and you want to change or manage those things, then, yeah, focus your energy and attention on making those changes. But oftentimes, the person not wanting to commit has a lot to do with things that are more within their control and therefore out of your control. And what you can control about the situation is whether you continue to date them or whether you continue to date them from a perspective of wanting to be committed as opposed to dating them from a perspective of actually wanting to just remain casual dating partners.
So in summary, it's not you. It's them. Unless it's you, then make the changes you feel you should and want to make. Don't make the changes you don't want to make and decide if that means you need to leave the relationship or stay in the dating relationship but in a more casual way, the choice is yours. But the choice that you don't get to make is whether that person wants to commit or not. So it's just important to acknowledge the fact that the person does not want to commit and that outside of reasons that are specific to you and your behavior or your life circumstances, then it's out of your control. And therefore, you want to make the best choice for you as to whether you continue to engage in that dating relationship or whether you choose to end it.
[00:15:37] Unknown:
Hey, by the way, I can be found in other places besides this podcast. Just search my name on YouTube and you'll find my channel. Subscribe for periodic how to videos for dealing with breakups and That's right. I said mastering dating. It's a skill, ladies. I can also be found on Instagram at tracy panach. And lastly, I most encourage you to join my email list where you get breakup and dating support delivered to your inbox in addition to getting the most exclusive access to my programs and coaching services. My email list subscribers are the first to know when my coaching programs launch and the only people to get discounts when they're offered.
As always, I'm glad we got into it and looking forward to next
[00:16:27] Unknown:
time.
Hey, I'm Tracy Pinnock and welcome to the Bitter to Better podcast, where I talk all things love and life that help women live better after breakups. I'm glad you're here, and let's get into it.
[00:00:24] Unknown:
So today, I want to talk about this idea of what's wrong with me. Something that I hear women say a lot when it comes to recognizing that a dating partner, a man who they are interested in being great or are a great person themselves and all of these positive attributes and qualities that they have. So, like, why can't he just, you know, want to be with her? And I always say, you know, well, what's wrong with you? Nothing? Because and this is not saying that we don't all have things to work on. Absolutely. But this this whole idea of I'm not good enough for this person, what it really comes down to in situations like this, it really is that good old cliche, it's not you, it's me. And what I mean here is this often does not come down to the woman not being good enough or being a problem, but it comes down to the person in this situation, the guy who does not want commitment at this time. And there can be multiple reasons why he doesn't want that.
Reasons that are his own that might be interesting for the woman to know, but still don't change the fact that that's not a desire of his. And so this comes down to a difference in preferences and needs, not, you know, fully down to, oh, this person isn't good enough or anything like that. There's absolutely a compatibility factor that needs to be considered. So I'm not saying that, there aren't situations where also there might be things about the two people involved that are not compatible. But overall, when the woman is seeing that the guy enjoys spending time with her, they enjoy spending time together, they laugh, they support one another emotionally and maybe in other ways as well, and they, have, you know, similar, you know, interest or similar, you know, values and philosophies or even goals in life and things like that, and yet he's like, I'm not ready or I don't wanna commit or I don't want to be married or I don't want to x y and z, then it can be very disappointing to accept this.
And oftentimes, what happens is the woman, of course, would ask him why doesn't he want to commit? Is it me? What are your reasons? And sometimes, she gets these very clear, reasons that are about the the guy, the person, whether it's I don't want, you know well, I would say this one I don't know that this gets spoken blatantly a lot by the guys, but I do think that there it it is a common factor, which is I don't want the responsibilities and obligations of commitment. I enjoy the perks of a relationship, but don't really want the various obligations or responsibilities. So, you know, when you're currently engaging with one another as if you would as if you are in a relationship, kind of everything except the title and except the, agreement of, like, monogamy or the agreement of, you know, living together, things like that. So when you are perks of coupledom, but not necessarily some of those obligations that maybe he's not comfortable with. So what I was saying was if the woman asked him why he doesn't want to commit, she can get very clear answers such as his own personal reasons for why he doesn't want to or isn't ready, whether it's not wanting, you know, not wanting to live with someone or not wanting the financial obligation or not wanting the monogamy or having been hurt in the past and not being over that or any of those things, she may get responses that where he clearly states things about the two of them together that he doesn't think is a good match for commitment. So being able to say, hey. Well, I do this or you do that or I want this and you want that. And so those are the how can I say? Those are the the helpful responses where he's giving clear specific reasons why he doesn't want to commit.
Also, women can get responses that are just very vague. The I don't know. The guy who doesn't know why he doesn't want to commit. That that's a that's a doozy, because what do you go with there? I mean, the thing about it is and I think in those situations, it becomes even easier for the woman to feel like there's something wrong with her because the guy has no clear answer as to what makes him not want to commit to her. But I think that's also an important distinction. Is this somebody who doesn't want to commit to you or is this someone who does not want to commit to anyone?
And again, right now or for the rest of their lives, like, all of these different factors matter. So if you find yourself in this type of situation, I just really encourage you to do your best to remove to to take moments at least, to remove the emotion from it and look at the logic and what is being shown to you and said to you. Meaning, recognize if you recognize that you have such great qualities, meaning, like, if you're like, hey, but I bring this to the relationship and I do this for him and I do all of that. So if you're able to recognize that you have positives positive positive things going for you, then then look at that and say, okay.
Well, if he's saying that it's him, it's not me. If he's saying that I just don't want to commit for x, y, and z reasons, let me take that at face value because here's the thing. Women will spend a lot of energy and time trying to, like, get to the bottom of why he doesn't wanna commit to her. It has to be this. It has to be something else. And the truth of the matter is even if it is even if it is, it doesn't take away the fact that he doesn't wanna commit. So you finding the answer recording location change. So as I was saying, you finding out the answer to why he doesn't want to commit ultimately doesn't change the fact that that he doesn't want to commit, whether it's to you or to someone else. Granted, I recognize that a lot of times the hope is that if you can find the answer as to why he doesn't want to commit, maybe you can change that or you can get an understanding of if it's something that is changeable. So, of course, you would ask these questions and hope that you get responses that are clear and specific and give you some good good information. Because, yeah, if the person is saying, I don't want to commit right now, I want to work on x, y, and z, that's one thing. Then you have information there and can decide if you want to wait for that person to make those changes. Or if they're saying, I don't want to commit to you based on the ways we interact or something you do, then you can decide if that's something you want to work on changing or shifting.
So there is value, of course, in asking and trying to get an answer to this. But, honestly, if you're given the response that this is someone who just doesn't want to commit in their life in in general or someone who doesn't know why they don't want to commit, things like that, then spending a lot of time trying to, like, help them uncover it or things like that don't necessarily work to your benefit. At least not if you have certain relationship goals in mind and maybe even certain general timelines in mind. You don't want to spend a bunch of time trying to convince someone to commit to you. Quite frankly, even if you are, in quote, successful with that and they come around, there is concern for how legitimate that is and how internalized that is for them. Like, are they making that decision now because of an ultimatum or because, you know, you convince them or whatever it might be? Ultimately, you want someone committing to you because they want to, because they have a strong desire to do so, not because they feel obligated, not because they need you, like, for financial stability or emotional stability or any of those sort of things, for housing, you name it.
You want someone to commit because they have the actual desire to and that it is a, self initiated internalized desire. So what do you do if you're with someone who doesn't want to commit? You focus on what you want. And what I mean here is you might say, I know what I want. I want this person and their qualities and their traits, but also something you want is a person who wants to commit to you. So, that ideal partner list that I go on and on about, there's past episodes. I talk about it on my YouTube channel. If you write a review on the podcast platform of your choice and you send me a screenshot of it to [email protected], then I will send you a free video tutorial on how to create the ideal partner list.
But, ultimately, it's a list of the characteristics, traits, life circumstances of your ideal partner. And one of the things that you should be putting on your ideal partner list is someone who wants to commit to me. That is that is something that you want in your partner. You want them to have a desire to commit to you. So you might see this person who you're with right now and see all these wonderful things about them and all of those characteristics and traits would go on your list, but one of the things that's missing is their desire to commit to you. So that is clearly something that you would then be adding to your list.
[00:11:20] Unknown:
Do you like what you're hearing? Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Want to help the pod? If so, please know it's greatly appreciated, and I welcome you to support the Bitter to Better podcast however you can. Might I suggest a few options? First, please rate and review the show on Spotify, Apple Podcast, or whatever platform you choose. Next, how about sending this podcast to one friend who you know could use it? This way, she can't say you've never given her anything. If you're really riding with me, talk about the show on social media and tag me. I'm at tracy panok on Instagram. And lastly, if you ever use any products or services I mentioned in the pod, can you tell them Tracey panok from the Bitter to Better podcast sent you?
Please, and thank you.
[00:12:13] Unknown:
So in summary, I do realize that this may be a bit disappointing in that when someone does not want to commit to you, there is nothing that you can ultimately do in terms of changing the outcome of that. At least not if their reasons for not wanting to commit are that they don't want to commit to anyone, they don't know, or they do know and it has to do with the nature of what a committed relationship would involve. If those are the reasons why they don't want to commit, then it's about them and not about you. And therefore, there's nothing you can do about that. And therefore, it is about doing yourself the favor of recognizing that you need to end this relationship if it's not serving you or decide that you are okay with having a different dynamic with this person, meaning continuing to engage with them, but from a perspective of casually dating them and not being in a committed relationship with them.
Now if their reasons for not wanting to commit to you have to do with things that they identify as, your behavior or certain life circumstances of yours, then you have some things that are potentially within your control that you can adjust if you so choose. If you feel that they have a legitimate point or if you feel like there are things about yourself or your life that you want to change. Maybe the things that they are not happy not happy with or maybe the things that they are identifying as reasons not to commit to you are things that you have no interest in changing in yourself, and that's your prerogative.
So in those cases, if there are things that are within your control to change or manage and you want to change or manage those things, then, yeah, focus your energy and attention on making those changes. But oftentimes, the person not wanting to commit has a lot to do with things that are more within their control and therefore out of your control. And what you can control about the situation is whether you continue to date them or whether you continue to date them from a perspective of wanting to be committed as opposed to dating them from a perspective of actually wanting to just remain casual dating partners.
So in summary, it's not you. It's them. Unless it's you, then make the changes you feel you should and want to make. Don't make the changes you don't want to make and decide if that means you need to leave the relationship or stay in the dating relationship but in a more casual way, the choice is yours. But the choice that you don't get to make is whether that person wants to commit or not. So it's just important to acknowledge the fact that the person does not want to commit and that outside of reasons that are specific to you and your behavior or your life circumstances, then it's out of your control. And therefore, you want to make the best choice for you as to whether you continue to engage in that dating relationship or whether you choose to end it.
[00:15:37] Unknown:
Hey, by the way, I can be found in other places besides this podcast. Just search my name on YouTube and you'll find my channel. Subscribe for periodic how to videos for dealing with breakups and That's right. I said mastering dating. It's a skill, ladies. I can also be found on Instagram at tracy panach. And lastly, I most encourage you to join my email list where you get breakup and dating support delivered to your inbox in addition to getting the most exclusive access to my programs and coaching services. My email list subscribers are the first to know when my coaching programs launch and the only people to get discounts when they're offered.
As always, I'm glad we got into it and looking forward to next
[00:16:27] Unknown:
time.
