In this intriguing episode of the CBS Radio Mystery Theater, hosted by EG Marshall, we delve into a captivating tale set in the small, independent country of Monaco. The story, "Much Too Much," written by Gerald Keen, unfolds around a peculiar predicament faced by the kingdom when a local man is sentenced to death for the murder of his wife. However, the cost of executing the sentence proves to be a significant challenge for the frugal king and his ministers. As they navigate the complexities of justice, economy, and morality, the narrative explores themes of justice, punishment, and the value of life.
The episode takes listeners on a journey through the comedic yet thought-provoking attempts of the Monaco government to carry out the execution without breaking the bank. From negotiating with neighboring countries for a guillotine to considering alternative methods of execution, the story humorously highlights the absurdities of bureaucracy and the unexpected consequences of trying to balance justice with financial prudence. Ultimately, the tale concludes with a surprising resolution that leaves the audience pondering the true cost of justice and the human condition.
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Unknown:
No. Not now.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
That sounds like it's gonna cost you.
[00:00:09] Unknown:
I know what to do. I'm going to cashnetusa.com. I can apply in minutes, get an instant decision, and if approved, I could have the money in my account as soon as the same business day. When you need money fast,
[00:00:20] Unknown:
be the hero. Go to CashNetUSA.com to apply for the money you need now. The exact timing as to when your loan funds will be available will be determined by your banking institution.
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The CBS radio mystery theater presents
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Come in.
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Welcome. I'm EG Marshall. William Shakespeare never fails me when I look for an apt phrase that tells it neatly and poetically. For instance, what's past is prologue. I'll repeat that. What's past is prologue. Yesterday's events have shaped today's. Remember that story of the Utah murderer who is almost not sentenced to die? Well, the same thing happened many years ago. The same thing, but it turned out a little differently.
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Minister, get in touch with the French government. Yes. You're what for? Everyone knows they've had lots of experience with guillotines, so ask them for one.
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Just like that, your your majesty?
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Tell the French it's just a one shot deal. And after this one time, we're not going to need a guillotine again.
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Our mystery drama, Much Too Much, was written especially for the mystery theater by Gerald Keen and stars Robert Dryden. It is sponsored in part by Buick Motor Division and Contact, the twelve hour cold capsule. I'll be back shortly with act one. The man who couldn't be sentenced lived in an age long gone by and in a country still called Monaco. It is tiny, independent, and known the world over for its gambling casino, Monte Carlo. Monaco citizens are called Monegasques, still are, and they had their king ministers, even an army, 60 soldiers, and one general.
But who needs an army when no one's going to attack you? The king was forever on an economy binge and was even thinking of cutting the police force from five to two when the minister of publicity
[00:03:13] Unknown:
came to see him. He, your highness, and we have a murderer
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on our hand. A murderer? Oh my goodness. From France, Italy, Spain. Oh, no. Well, where did he come from? He's one of our own. Monarchesque. Well, how how is that possible? We're we're a law abiding peaceful people. Why, Monaco has never had a, I can hardly bring myself to say the word. Well, we have one now. Oh, sad. Sad. Good thing King and Queen Senior, her father and mother, didn't live to see this day. Progress, civilization, a better world, and you end up with this.
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A man killing a man. A man killing a woman, your majesty. Worse.
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Well, just don't stand there. Get cracking with the minister of justice and lawyers and so on. Oh, this is a sorry day in the minister of publicity. And you can quote me on that.
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Come, Alien.
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Well,
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that's a new one. I've never heard of a jail where the guard docks before coming in to see the prisoner. Oh, I'm sorry. You see, this isn't really much of a jail. Just this room in back of the police station with an ordinary door on it, but it's all we have. Oh, don't don't think we,
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that I don't appreciate your politeness because I do.
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Secondly, we've never had a murderer before, and I I don't really know how one is supposed to behave without
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a a murderer. Oh, what? You you you don't have to be frightened. I've only killed once in my life, and it wasn't a man.
[00:05:06] Unknown:
Yes. The captain told me it's a crime of passion. A crime of passion. It wasn't. Just the opposite.
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Opposite.
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It was my wife. Oh, you were defending yourself? Oh, my dear god. You you don't wish to hear. It's of no interest to anyone but me. Oh, no. No. No, sir. I have a wife too. It might be very helpful. You know, hints to the married man. Oh.
[00:05:29] Unknown:
Oh, well, it's, it was a perfectly ordinary day. I've been out hunting, and I bagged a a duck or two. And I came home and said to my wife, here, cook this fella for dinner. How shall I prepare it, s a g? Well, I'll have it braised with these, I said. Use that recipe of per le pay of the cafe de Paris. Okay, she said. Will do. Well, I came home and she told me an extraordinary thing had happened. The bird wasn't really dead, and when she started to pluck its feathers, it, flew out of the window. Well, I don't mean it could have happened. And the next time I bagged the duck, I told her plain roast duck tonight, and she said, alright.
And I came home about seven and opened a bottle of Cote de Louis, and, there was no duck. What's this? I said, a workman came to the doors and my wife and asked for a glass of water. And when my back was turned, he, ran out of the house with a duck. You believe that? No. No. But I thought I'd wait. I went out again Sunday with my shotgun, and I bagged another odor of beauty at least six pounds. And I said to my wife, we'll have this on Monday night. Well, that duck's a bit old, she said. Alright. Do it to Chambord. Slow flame, I said.
Agreed. And on Monday, I came home, early. Ah, you were suspicious. And there, sitting in my chair in my dining room, my wine and his glass was a gentleman I took to be my wife's lover, and he was eating my duck. And so And I pointed my gun at him, and he admitted everything. All the ducks, my wife, everything. I I pulled back the trigger. You defending your honor. My wife screamed and picked up the duck and threw it at me to deflect my aim. The gun went off right through the duck's head into my wife's head. Her lover ran out, called the police, and, if you were here, I am.
[00:07:34] Unknown:
With a story like that, you'll get off. Oh, I'm afraid not. If if I'd hit him and not her, then I could probably go free. It's it's bad luck. And worse, if I may say so, you never even had one duck for dinner. Oh, well, I'm very sorry, sir.
[00:08:01] Unknown:
Your majesty, the court has reached a decision, and I have asked the minister of protocol to tell it to you. No.
[00:08:11] Unknown:
Please. Can't you see I'm trying to find my spectacles?
[00:08:14] Unknown:
Sire, it is the case of the man who killed his wife. Oh, oh, dear. Not a problem. Oh, not at all, sire. No problem. He has been condemned to die. Blended. So? Well, Moni Dusk law directs he should have his head, cut off. Yes. We know the law. We know how it was signed. Right above the royal seal, your highness.
[00:08:42] Unknown:
Well, now what are you two standing about for? What are you you want me to say? If the fellow must be executed, well, then execute him. You heard me? Execute him. Get it over with.
[00:08:59] Unknown:
You should have told his majesty. Whoever put it in round numbers, he would have listened. My dear minister of finance, since when does our good king listen? He's not easy to bring bad news to. He dismissed us. He never gave us a chance. And as always, it will be my duty. I can see that. We don't? Never had one. Why not? Other kingdoms do. Never needed one. There's no other way? None. Ah. Since we must execute, I'm afraid the,
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guillotine is the only way. Well, of course, I could have told you that. It seems to me the answer is for us to have a guillotine of our own.
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A common common sense wise. Yeah. I've got it. Oh, a sudden thought, your majesty. Uh-huh.
[00:09:53] Unknown:
Get in touch with the French. Everybody knows they've had a lot of experience with guillotines. Ask them if they could furnish us once. And we'll also need a professional executioner to handle the equipment. That's exactly what we were going to say. But tell the French it's strictly a one shot deal. We don't ever expect to need one again.
[00:10:20] Unknown:
Your majesty,
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may we? Oh, come in. Come in. I always feel like running when I see you, minister of finance. Mhmm. As for you, minister of publicity, I don't know what I feel like. We have a communication
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from the French.
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What do they want now? Another wine festival?
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Reply to our request for a guillotine. They will be happy to supply us along with one of their own trained men complete in costume and so forth, that would be CHF16,000.
[00:10:52] Unknown:
16 thousand francs cost wise. CHF16,000. That's much too much. The rich isn't worth that kind of money. Is there any other way to behead him?
[00:11:05] Unknown:
Our English cousins have switched to a headsman who does the job who is one blow of an axe.
[00:11:12] Unknown:
Kill a man with an axe. It's inhuman. It's barbaric. Well, still, what do you expect from the English? Guillotine. That guillotine. Let me see. You must be able to get one cheaper somewhere. You you mean shop around? Yeah. I know. I know. Get in touch with the Italians. After all, Italy has a king, and from one king to another, maybe you'll give us a cut rate. Cut rate. Yes, your majesty. Those French haven't been the same since they became a republic. All they think of is money. Money, money, money. That's all they think of.
[00:11:54] Unknown:
Oh, he won't stand for it. I know him. He'll he'll hit the seaweed. Oh, sorry. I'm late. What's the latest? We've just had word from the king of Italy. He'll be glad to help us out in the cost for the entire package, including removal of the remains, will be CHF12,000.
[00:12:15] Unknown:
He doesn't want any lira now. Oh, dear. Dear. I don't know that I wish to be the minister to tell his majesty that.
[00:12:27] Unknown:
CHF12,000. Did you say CHF12,000? To the soule, Your Majesty. Twelve. It's 4 less than 16. It's not much of a discount. Now, well, Raskin is still not worth that kind of money. Well, hardly, your majesty. Twelve thousand? Get up that sum, we'd have to tax every adult, madrasque CHF2 ahead.
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I don't think the people would stand for it.
[00:12:55] Unknown:
They wouldn't, your majesty. No. They'd be a ruddy riot. No. It's still too much. Still much too much. Have I made that clear?
[00:13:08] Unknown:
Oh, what do you want, God? Is, everything satisfactory,
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prisoner? Yeah. It is. What what?
[00:13:17] Unknown:
Your your dinner. Is everything up to your expectations? I could say not. Do you call this fili des soles in vestra? And the second course, is this scrawny geriatric capon deserved the name pude roti bosejour?
[00:13:34] Unknown:
You're not happy with the fish and the chicken? They're an insult to my palate.
[00:13:40] Unknown:
You can tell the king's cook that I am decidedly unhappy.
[00:13:44] Unknown:
This may be fit for a king, but I not Hey. Hey. Hey. What's this? What's all this? He he unlike the food, captain. Oh, now come now. You're a prisoner, sir.
[00:13:55] Unknown:
In fact, a condemned murderer,
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not a paying guest at one of Monaco's
[00:14:00] Unknown:
quality restaurants. Don't tell me what I am. I know my rights. He don't like the fillet of soul soothers. I am entitled to have exactly what I desire for my remaining meals on Earth. This is a fact known to the, of a penal system that we're all over. What a man condemned to die is entitled to. I know my international convention. Yeah.
[00:14:22] Unknown:
But my dear prisoner, you're not about to die. Our king has not been able to secure a guillotine at a price the kingdom can afford. This execution, your conduct is forced upon us, will cost Monaco much too much.
[00:14:38] Unknown:
Ah, oh, yeah. Well, I I see your dilemma. I I'll give that some thought. In the meantime, my dear captain, bring me some decent food fit for a decent human being to, eat.
[00:15:01] Unknown:
Well, there you have it. An execution that would cost too much. A condemned man demanding his rights. Doesn't justice appear a little topsy-turvy to you? Read something like this quite recently where it said that too often the rights of the guilty are more observed than the rights of the innocent.
[00:15:19] Unknown:
The criminal more cared for than the victim.
[00:15:22] Unknown:
Certainly, something has to give, but what? And when? And how? Let's find out when we continue with act two. Old Bill Shakespeare hit it right on the head when he wrote, Liberty plucks justice by the nose. The baby beats the nurse. Isn't that what we have here? A kingdom trying to meet out justice if it can be had at a bargain. A guilty man screaming about his own rights, oblivious to the right to live of the person he killed. Now back to the story. The next morning, the the prisoners summoned the captain of the guards.
[00:16:13] Unknown:
Oh, yeah. Well, I I have been thinking over your problem, captain, and I believe I can be of some, small assistance. I happen to have some excellent personal contacts with the, king of Sweden.
[00:16:27] Unknown:
Sweden, of course, has never adopted the idea of beheading as capital punishment. Punishment, but I happen to know for a fact the president told me that monsieur Joseph Ignatz guillotine
[00:16:38] Unknown:
The one who invented it. Yes. I know.
[00:16:42] Unknown:
May I finish? I'd sent to the king of Sweden a guillotine and an operator on approval. The prisoner said he might be able to persuade the king of Sweden to lend the machine to us so we could have our execution.
[00:16:56] Unknown:
Oh, well, well, well, well, this is a good thinking. That's, well, a worthy offer. Yeah. Should we pass the word along to a you know fool? Oh, yes. I think his majesty would approve. I'm quite impressed with your prisoner, captain. Thank you. I can see he's a an honorable soul regardless of his, transgressions, one who understands that justice is justice.
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Here. Here. There is only one slight drawback.
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Isn't there always
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a charge wise? We must bear in mind Sweden is many, many more kilometers from Monaco than France or Italy. It'll take months before we can expect delivery.
[00:17:36] Unknown:
Sailing vessels, storms, what have you. I'm sure the prisoner won't object to such the state of execution.
[00:17:44] Unknown:
Well, he most certainly won't object, but will we? Oh, why should we? Well, it's his term. Last, a convicted murderer. Has term been exchanged for his personal letter of endorsement to the king of Srinivas?
[00:17:59] Unknown:
Of course. After our gentleman is here, he's got the contact.
[00:18:04] Unknown:
Endorsing the loan for his own execution. But but he wants something in return. I think that's valid.
[00:18:11] Unknown:
He's the contact man, our man in Sweden, as it were. He has to be paid off a fee.
[00:18:19] Unknown:
He wants money. No. No. No. No. The prisoner's fee is that in return, he would like his meals every day from today
[00:18:28] Unknown:
to be of the supernative quality generally reserved for the condemned man's last meal. Do you think the king's cook can deliver? Well, certainly, Hope, we don't have to import a chef from Paris to feed this undesirable. And
[00:18:44] Unknown:
he has instructed me to request to the king's cook. Where did I put that piece of paper? For lunch today, he wants a cold poached bass s'oetoise. And for dinner tonight, filet mignon with a sauce Bearnaise. Is that all? So he hasn't decided about the wine.
[00:19:14] Unknown:
It's here. It's arrived.
[00:19:17] Unknown:
It's arrived. Well, Of course, it's arrived. We've been watching them all morning setting it up in the courtyard. I'd say half of Monaco is out here. Well, look at the people.
[00:19:28] Unknown:
Why don't we go down and main room with the crowd? A good way to get a sampling of public opinion.
[00:19:35] Unknown:
What do they think of guillotine? Should Monarcho own its own? You know, that kind of thing. Let's go. It should be interesting.
[00:19:45] Unknown:
Yes. Good idea. There's what I'd call a holiday episode. Wouldn't you say? Hey. Remember, your father was always interested in these happenings, your majesty. When he was a prince, we were as young men in France together during the interregnum. In cardinal tour, I trust. Oh, absolutely. We were at the hotel des Sanches just about as far from the tumble as we'll be at this window. Come come see.
[00:20:16] Unknown:
I don't know that I care to, frankly. I'm gonna
[00:20:22] Unknown:
squeeze this stomach. Oh, today is early to test lights downward of the blade just to make sure. You see those two upright posts with the cross beam to hold it together? They're grooved so that the knife will fall swiftly.
[00:20:37] Unknown:
Sir, what's that? Can they see me? Ask. For the executioner. That little fat fellow with all those muscles. Oh, what's he doing now? I can't see a thing without spectacles, and nobody can find them. He has a stone and a file,
[00:20:53] Unknown:
and I believe he's sharpening the blade to me. They do leave a bit, those French, don't they? Well, the blade got a little rusty after the long sea voyage from Sweden.
[00:21:04] Unknown:
Are you sure they can't see us?
[00:21:06] Unknown:
Why they're cheering? Wait. He's running his finger along the blade and and licking it. Now he's taking a bow. Now he has, let me see. One, two, three, four, five, six, 10 guards, and they're all pulling the cord to lift the blade up into place. Oh, it won't move. 10 men, and they can't budge it. He he's kicking the blade. Spread it. Spread it. Good man. Kicked it twice, and the darn thing traveled up the post like a monkey shitting up a palmetto tree. Now the executioner is going to do some trial runs. He's just supposed to give it a yank and it triggers.
Now he's talking to the captain. Head more, man. Mark. Ten more. Mark. Mark. They keep adding, man, to yank at that thing. It looks like the blade is jammed up there. One, two, three, pull. One, two, three, pull. He's got the whole army on it now. One, two, three, rub it. Your majesty. Now what? Safety. I have to go. You said, no. One one one one at a time. He said, I I think we should like the king of Sweden
[00:22:39] Unknown:
for that pile of firewood in the courtyard.
[00:22:44] Unknown:
We are not amused. I have asked you here for your thoughts on the disposition of the prisoner. Minister of Justice.
[00:22:56] Unknown:
The law says execution, but not by who? Might it be done by one of our soldiers? A soldier.
[00:23:05] Unknown:
I don't see how. Excellent.
[00:23:07] Unknown:
Why didn't any of you don't think of that? It's a natural. A soldier to cut a man's head off. Oh, my your majesty. After all, in war, soldiers don't mind killing people. In fact, that's what they're trained to do, is send for the general.
[00:23:25] Unknown:
Soldiers of Monaco, I ask now for volunteers to assist justice in this small but great land of ours. A criminal has been sentenced to be executed, and we need one man who will bravely undertake the task. One man step forward. I put it to you all again. All 60 of you brave defenders of the spirit that is Monaco. Will one man of you please step forward? I'd say that there'd probably be a few extra francs in it for the man who steps forward. Captain, may I have a word? General, they won't buy it. In combat, yes. But to them, execution is called blood. I had been dealt all along, but the king said do it, so I tried. Well, I'll tell him. I tried to.
Listen to you, general. You've got more stars. I'll say that a soldier simply does not know how to cut off ahead. This is not in our manual of arms.
[00:24:49] Unknown:
Well, it's about time. I've been waiting seven days to learn what progress we're making. I agree you have to take your majesty.
[00:24:56] Unknown:
The army declines, and I think if you were to examine our Manhattan code of military honor, you would certainly not find any reference to the duty you wish the soldier to perform. I took the matter up with the ministers, and execution by firing squad was suggested.
[00:25:14] Unknown:
Clear thinking. Yes. Why not? Well, however,
[00:25:18] Unknown:
it is the rifles issued to the men are not accurate enough. And in fact, in our test range just the other day, three of my men were injured when the guns fired backwards and the stocks dislocated three shoulder. I don't want to hear anymore. I simply do not wish to hear anymore.
[00:25:37] Unknown:
And now I'm made to defend the crown without accurate rifles. It's incredible.
[00:25:41] Unknown:
And for many years, I have been requesting a policy to update our weaponry. The minister of finance has our estimate. Why, with those things, we can't even hit rabbits at thirty hours. That's enough.
[00:25:55] Unknown:
If you have a talk with the minister of finance on that subject on another day? Your majesty, I I submitted a budget for your signature two weeks ago, and you said not now. It costs much too much. First things first.
[00:26:10] Unknown:
The condemned man, and how do we condemn him?
[00:26:15] Unknown:
Why, now,
[00:26:16] Unknown:
any more bright and cheery news for your king?
[00:26:21] Unknown:
Your your grace, for the past week, we have diligently put our heads together and considered You reconsider? We have assembled a commission and a subcommission, a committee and a subcommittee. To study the pros and cons wise. And we have finally concluded, sire, that the best thing would be to have your majesty, commute the death sentence to one of, life imprisonment. Well That way we could extricate ourselves from this miserable pickle, and you, sir, would be hailed as a monarch of mercy.
[00:27:07] Unknown:
That's fantastic
[00:27:09] Unknown:
and much much cheaper.
[00:27:18] Unknown:
I have the feeling that you out there listening are probably way ahead of me and that certainly you suspect
[00:27:40] Unknown:
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[00:28:49] Unknown:
Let's return to the shenanigans of this extraordinary royal household of the long, long ago days in the history of this tiny country. To begin act three, let me just tell you that as soon as the king thought he has solved the problem of the plaguing prisoner, a new obstacle showed up. For not anywhere within the borders of Monaco was there a prison suitable for a man sentenced to life imprisonment?
[00:29:17] Unknown:
Oh, yes. We have a lockup, your majesty. But for a prisoner to spend the rest of his life in, hardly. What is this used for, general? Oh, overnight offenders. That's all. A shoplifter, a wife beater, a drunk. Of course. We could have one bill.
[00:29:34] Unknown:
Not so fast with the crown's money. Why don't I have a look around and see what we have on the premises? General, do you mind? You?
[00:29:43] Unknown:
Your majesty? Are you sure you want to do this yourself? Why not? Just find me. Now, here now is a possibility. The Royal Aquarium.
[00:29:56] Unknown:
The Royal Aquarium. Oh, no. Smells too fitty to me. We must remember that the poor fellow is going to spend the rest of his natural life here. Pee ew. No. We don't have to go one step further. The Royal Zoo is no better than the Royal Affirm. You cannot have the fella tie of s sixty eight. No, no.
[00:30:26] Unknown:
The Royal Aviary.
[00:30:28] Unknown:
Yes. The Royal Aviary. This is quite unseeable. What did you say? With his eardrum. What? Let's get out of here.
[00:30:42] Unknown:
Now this might not be back. The Royal's Table. Ah. Well,
[00:30:48] Unknown:
of course you could get used to it. Of course, if we gave it a good cleaning, There are certain advantages. Those small high windows with the bars. Even the stalls. Well, I mean, the prisoner could use one for sleeping, plenty of hay and straw, another straw for eating. Makes quite a sweet.
[00:31:12] Unknown:
And all this begins to make sense. Your highness, may I call your attention to one slight drawback? Yes. If the Royal Stable becomes a royal prison, where will we keep the royal hostage? Ah, actually, down here, your majesty is my favorite. I reserve suggesting this as a prison for love. Your majesty, the Royal Wine Cellar.
[00:31:44] Unknown:
My gracious. The Royal Wine Cellar. I haven't been down here in years. No. No. Not the Royal Wine Cellar for a prison. It's too great a temptation.
[00:31:58] Unknown:
Oh, the very place. How stupid of me. Why didn't I think of it before? We have a stone guardhouse not 50 yards from the palace kitchen door within full sight of the barracks and the entire
[00:32:10] Unknown:
army. Well, I'll just have a look at it if this place is what you say, and if we can safely announce our decision to our people. You know, my dear General, had the fellow not been so exceedingly cooperative dealing with the Swedes and so forth, I would not have taken such a personal interest in his case.
[00:32:34] Unknown:
It's quite a good turnout down there. It's a nice crowd.
[00:32:38] Unknown:
Who's keeping the king? Well, I advise him to make the people wait before he appears the balcony. The longer they wait, the more docile they are, and it builds up his interest anticipation wise. Oh, your majesty, we were just talking about you. Yes. Well, will somebody please pull the ermine collar back from my ears? Don't annoying the way it rides up. No. No. No. Not that way. Pin it to the cloak. Now the crowd. It feels crooked. Don't get away. You look crooked? I hate this car. It may have fitted farther, but it's much too small for me. Well, stop.
[00:33:24] Unknown:
Everybody with me? Oh, yes. You're not interested. Alright. Let's get this show on the road.
[00:33:36] Unknown:
Loyal subjects of the crown. We're all aware of the tragedy
[00:33:42] Unknown:
that's befallen our peace loving law abiding land.
[00:33:47] Unknown:
That one single Monadask has disregarded the canons of social behaviour and snuffed out the life of another Monadaskis. Yes. Well, it's pretty bad to say the least. However,
[00:34:03] Unknown:
there is the act of forgiveness. Is that not so? Who here would like to see a man die? Let me hear your voices.
[00:34:14] Unknown:
I'm sure very few. Oh. Oh. Oh, dear. You really are that fond of death for a criminal. However, I, your king, I feel compassion. Let me say, great compassion. Therefore,
[00:34:37] Unknown:
since we would rather our prisoner lived and learned to repent his misdeeds, we have decided to commute the death sentence
[00:34:46] Unknown:
to one of life in prison. Now, let let let let let let me tell you a little of the arrangements for the safeguarding of the prisoner. He will be incarcerated near the palace, well guarded round the clock by three ships, brought his meals by the guards, and, I I would say pretty well guarded. And so with this momentous news, we conclude. And thank you for your devoted attention. And now, everybody back to work. On the double. Oh, I'm exhausted. How how did I do? How did how did it go? I don't know. Ma ma, but it's just simply mahogany. I don't know.
I don't think I grabbed them. Cousin your majesty, can I be familiar just once? I would say that this life imprisonment is the best thing you ever did. Well, at least it's cheaper. I don't believe it. I can't believe it. Your majesty,
[00:36:07] Unknown:
I I've been keeping close tabs on the whole operation every month for the past twelve months from the day the prisoner started his sentence. I watched it like a hawk. I make sure there's no duplication, no waste, no fat, and these are the figures we'll go broke. Add it up. Around the clock guards for three hundred and sixty five days. That's eight thousand seven hundred and sixty guard hours. Food for the two shifts when they're not normally feeding guards. Food for the prisoner, and that's a heavy item. He's no cheap eater.
Don't get me wrong your majesty. I understand. Gourmet meals that was the deal. It can't be.
[00:36:50] Unknown:
CHF1,000 a year. No. Alright. The rest of you, you've been standing around with your mouths open and saying nothing. General ministers, say something. Perhaps the first year is always higher expense
[00:37:05] Unknown:
price. Oh, you don't, simpleton. This life as a young man. He could live for another fifty years. It's a Sophia trained on the royal purse. This rascal is bleeding us. There's got to be a cheaper way. We could save money if we dismiss the guards. Wait a minute. No guards in the prisoner might run away. Is that such a bad idea? He's got it. Is that such a bad idea? General, release the guards. Unlock the door. When, your majesty? This merry minute. Very good, sir. What time is it? A few minutes till dinner time. Good. Let's watch.
[00:37:47] Unknown:
When he hears the door unlock, you think they've brought him dinner. And then, here, this window faces just right. Let me see that. Yes. Oh, yes. The kitchen is below us to the left. Oh, there's the General. Uh-huh. A guard is unlocking the door and there goes the guard. You see him around the corner? There goes the General. Here he is. The prisoner. Absolutely. On the button. Oh. Look at the expression on his face. Where is my God to bring me my dinner? Oh. I wonder if he realizes he could escape right now. He could escape. The prisoner has disappeared.
Which way did he go? I know he didn't go back inside. Ah. Ministers I believe our problem has been solved. Our prisoner seems to have decided to take a little walk. Now, nobody here will go down there. Nobody in this room will give any kind of an alarm. Tomorrow, we shall decide in consultation with the minister of defense, the minister of transportation, as well as the minister of justice exactly when to give the alarm. The border is only a quarter hour away by train. On foot, it takes a little longer. We want him to have ample opportunity to make a complete escape. Your majesty, your highness, he's back.
Who's back? Prisoner. He's carrying a tray. It must be his dinner. Of course.
[00:39:31] Unknown:
He's been to the king's kitchen, fetched his own dinner. What do you think of that? Soap soapy? He's back inside his prison.
[00:39:41] Unknown:
Hiding the door behind him. He's not leaving.
[00:39:45] Unknown:
He's staying.
[00:39:52] Unknown:
Well, you might as well tell me. What's the bad news? He did it again all day.
[00:39:58] Unknown:
Opened the door at breakfast time. No guard in sight. Went to the Royal Kitchen. Asked for what he'd ordered. They gave it to him. He went back to his cell and he ate it. The same thing at lunch and at dinner. And he's ordered his menu right through Sunday. Well, I'm not waiting for any Sunday. What can we do? Tell him. That's what you have to do. Tell him straight out that we don't wanna keep him. We We don't wanna beat him. That he's a lazy good for nothing and to get out and get himself lost.
[00:40:30] Unknown:
Well, but I have nowhere to go. I mean, what what what can I do? Everybody knows about me. Every day, at least 50 rubbernecks walk around the guardhouse gawking and pointing and whispering. You will you have ruined my character by your sentence. What what can I do? My dear chap, wouldn't you feel better out in the world making an honest living? I tell you frankly, I've I've gotten out of the habit of working. Oh, come now. You you you treated me very badly. In in the first place, when you sentenced me to death, you should have executed me, but you but you didn't.
Alright. I didn't complain about that. And then you sentenced me for life and put guards on duty to bring me my food. Sometimes they'd be late, and I would have to wait as much as fifteen minutes for my dinner. I didn't complain about that either. Then you took the guards away and I had to fetch my own food. Well, perhaps I'm, too easygoing. I didn't complain about that either. But now you actually want me to go away? Oh, I can't I can't agree to that. You can tell the king that so far as I'm concerned, I'd, a deal is a a deal.
[00:41:51] Unknown:
Ministers, things are not as we might wish them to be. Does anyone here have any ideas of how we can get rid of this monster? Certainly. I'll offer the prisoner a pension. A pain?
[00:42:06] Unknown:
If he leaves the country. Penching him.
[00:42:10] Unknown:
Will you can we keep it reasonable?
[00:42:13] Unknown:
I suggest CHF500
[00:42:15] Unknown:
a year. Much is that? He he may go for it
[00:42:19] Unknown:
if found money wise. Yes. I agree with the Minister of Finance. It would be worth it to be rid of him.
[00:42:26] Unknown:
CHF500. Think maybe you do it for 4?
[00:42:31] Unknown:
I don't think we can haggle. Summer is coming, and it would knock us out of the tourist business. People don't want to visit a country where there's a roaming convict, a killer who doesn't want to leave and and and and whom we don't want to lock up. Well, that's it then. 500 per annum and that is it. Take it or leave it. That's what the king said. Well, I
[00:42:59] Unknown:
I guess I don't mind, so long as you give me your ministerial assurance to pay it, promptly and regularly. Oh, you have his majesty's word. On that condition, I am willing to do it. Oh, yes. And I'd like this year's pension in advance so I can get, settled in. Certainly. Good enough. Well, then, I shall be off. See you next year, same time. Oh, and, Minister, there's a a half a bottle of Montrachet over there if you'd like to finish it. Excellent here. Pity to let it go to waste.
[00:43:44] Unknown:
And so the matter was settled. The prisoners took his money, took the train, and in fifteen minutes was out of the country. He bought a bit of land just across the frontier and started market gardening. He never went hunting again. He never married again. Once a year, he goes to the palace, draws his pension, goes to the gaming tables, stakes CHF3, sometimes he wins, sometimes he loses, and returns home. And there's a bit more to this tale, which I will tell you when I return. You can find the story you've just heard written in Russian of cutting off a man's head or the expense of keeping him in prison for life.
To wind up, let all will Shakespeare have the last word. Use every man after his dessert, and who shall escape whipping? Our cast included Robert Dryden, Ian Martin, Court Benson, and Earl Hammond. The entire production was under the direction of Hyman Brown. This is EG Marshall inviting you to return to our mystery theater for another adventure in the macabre. Until next time.
[00:45:21] Unknown:
Pleasant dreams.
No. Not now.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
That sounds like it's gonna cost you.
[00:00:09] Unknown:
I know what to do. I'm going to cashnetusa.com. I can apply in minutes, get an instant decision, and if approved, I could have the money in my account as soon as the same business day. When you need money fast,
[00:00:20] Unknown:
be the hero. Go to CashNetUSA.com to apply for the money you need now. The exact timing as to when your loan funds will be available will be determined by your banking institution.
[00:00:30] Unknown:
The CBS radio mystery theater presents
[00:00:51] Unknown:
Come in.
[00:00:55] Unknown:
Welcome. I'm EG Marshall. William Shakespeare never fails me when I look for an apt phrase that tells it neatly and poetically. For instance, what's past is prologue. I'll repeat that. What's past is prologue. Yesterday's events have shaped today's. Remember that story of the Utah murderer who is almost not sentenced to die? Well, the same thing happened many years ago. The same thing, but it turned out a little differently.
[00:01:33] Unknown:
Minister, get in touch with the French government. Yes. You're what for? Everyone knows they've had lots of experience with guillotines, so ask them for one.
[00:01:46] Unknown:
Just like that, your your majesty?
[00:01:49] Unknown:
Tell the French it's just a one shot deal. And after this one time, we're not going to need a guillotine again.
[00:02:06] Unknown:
Our mystery drama, Much Too Much, was written especially for the mystery theater by Gerald Keen and stars Robert Dryden. It is sponsored in part by Buick Motor Division and Contact, the twelve hour cold capsule. I'll be back shortly with act one. The man who couldn't be sentenced lived in an age long gone by and in a country still called Monaco. It is tiny, independent, and known the world over for its gambling casino, Monte Carlo. Monaco citizens are called Monegasques, still are, and they had their king ministers, even an army, 60 soldiers, and one general.
But who needs an army when no one's going to attack you? The king was forever on an economy binge and was even thinking of cutting the police force from five to two when the minister of publicity
[00:03:13] Unknown:
came to see him. He, your highness, and we have a murderer
[00:03:17] Unknown:
on our hand. A murderer? Oh my goodness. From France, Italy, Spain. Oh, no. Well, where did he come from? He's one of our own. Monarchesque. Well, how how is that possible? We're we're a law abiding peaceful people. Why, Monaco has never had a, I can hardly bring myself to say the word. Well, we have one now. Oh, sad. Sad. Good thing King and Queen Senior, her father and mother, didn't live to see this day. Progress, civilization, a better world, and you end up with this.
[00:03:58] Unknown:
A man killing a man. A man killing a woman, your majesty. Worse.
[00:04:05] Unknown:
Well, just don't stand there. Get cracking with the minister of justice and lawyers and so on. Oh, this is a sorry day in the minister of publicity. And you can quote me on that.
[00:04:23] Unknown:
Come, Alien.
[00:04:27] Unknown:
Well,
[00:04:28] Unknown:
that's a new one. I've never heard of a jail where the guard docks before coming in to see the prisoner. Oh, I'm sorry. You see, this isn't really much of a jail. Just this room in back of the police station with an ordinary door on it, but it's all we have. Oh, don't don't think we,
[00:04:46] Unknown:
that I don't appreciate your politeness because I do.
[00:04:49] Unknown:
Secondly, we've never had a murderer before, and I I don't really know how one is supposed to behave without
[00:04:58] Unknown:
a a murderer. Oh, what? You you you don't have to be frightened. I've only killed once in my life, and it wasn't a man.
[00:05:06] Unknown:
Yes. The captain told me it's a crime of passion. A crime of passion. It wasn't. Just the opposite.
[00:05:13] Unknown:
Opposite.
[00:05:14] Unknown:
It was my wife. Oh, you were defending yourself? Oh, my dear god. You you don't wish to hear. It's of no interest to anyone but me. Oh, no. No. No, sir. I have a wife too. It might be very helpful. You know, hints to the married man. Oh.
[00:05:29] Unknown:
Oh, well, it's, it was a perfectly ordinary day. I've been out hunting, and I bagged a a duck or two. And I came home and said to my wife, here, cook this fella for dinner. How shall I prepare it, s a g? Well, I'll have it braised with these, I said. Use that recipe of per le pay of the cafe de Paris. Okay, she said. Will do. Well, I came home and she told me an extraordinary thing had happened. The bird wasn't really dead, and when she started to pluck its feathers, it, flew out of the window. Well, I don't mean it could have happened. And the next time I bagged the duck, I told her plain roast duck tonight, and she said, alright.
And I came home about seven and opened a bottle of Cote de Louis, and, there was no duck. What's this? I said, a workman came to the doors and my wife and asked for a glass of water. And when my back was turned, he, ran out of the house with a duck. You believe that? No. No. But I thought I'd wait. I went out again Sunday with my shotgun, and I bagged another odor of beauty at least six pounds. And I said to my wife, we'll have this on Monday night. Well, that duck's a bit old, she said. Alright. Do it to Chambord. Slow flame, I said.
Agreed. And on Monday, I came home, early. Ah, you were suspicious. And there, sitting in my chair in my dining room, my wine and his glass was a gentleman I took to be my wife's lover, and he was eating my duck. And so And I pointed my gun at him, and he admitted everything. All the ducks, my wife, everything. I I pulled back the trigger. You defending your honor. My wife screamed and picked up the duck and threw it at me to deflect my aim. The gun went off right through the duck's head into my wife's head. Her lover ran out, called the police, and, if you were here, I am.
[00:07:34] Unknown:
With a story like that, you'll get off. Oh, I'm afraid not. If if I'd hit him and not her, then I could probably go free. It's it's bad luck. And worse, if I may say so, you never even had one duck for dinner. Oh, well, I'm very sorry, sir.
[00:08:01] Unknown:
Your majesty, the court has reached a decision, and I have asked the minister of protocol to tell it to you. No.
[00:08:11] Unknown:
Please. Can't you see I'm trying to find my spectacles?
[00:08:14] Unknown:
Sire, it is the case of the man who killed his wife. Oh, oh, dear. Not a problem. Oh, not at all, sire. No problem. He has been condemned to die. Blended. So? Well, Moni Dusk law directs he should have his head, cut off. Yes. We know the law. We know how it was signed. Right above the royal seal, your highness.
[00:08:42] Unknown:
Well, now what are you two standing about for? What are you you want me to say? If the fellow must be executed, well, then execute him. You heard me? Execute him. Get it over with.
[00:08:59] Unknown:
You should have told his majesty. Whoever put it in round numbers, he would have listened. My dear minister of finance, since when does our good king listen? He's not easy to bring bad news to. He dismissed us. He never gave us a chance. And as always, it will be my duty. I can see that. We don't? Never had one. Why not? Other kingdoms do. Never needed one. There's no other way? None. Ah. Since we must execute, I'm afraid the,
[00:09:37] Unknown:
guillotine is the only way. Well, of course, I could have told you that. It seems to me the answer is for us to have a guillotine of our own.
[00:09:47] Unknown:
A common common sense wise. Yeah. I've got it. Oh, a sudden thought, your majesty. Uh-huh.
[00:09:53] Unknown:
Get in touch with the French. Everybody knows they've had a lot of experience with guillotines. Ask them if they could furnish us once. And we'll also need a professional executioner to handle the equipment. That's exactly what we were going to say. But tell the French it's strictly a one shot deal. We don't ever expect to need one again.
[00:10:20] Unknown:
Your majesty,
[00:10:21] Unknown:
may we? Oh, come in. Come in. I always feel like running when I see you, minister of finance. Mhmm. As for you, minister of publicity, I don't know what I feel like. We have a communication
[00:10:34] Unknown:
from the French.
[00:10:36] Unknown:
What do they want now? Another wine festival?
[00:10:38] Unknown:
Reply to our request for a guillotine. They will be happy to supply us along with one of their own trained men complete in costume and so forth, that would be CHF16,000.
[00:10:52] Unknown:
16 thousand francs cost wise. CHF16,000. That's much too much. The rich isn't worth that kind of money. Is there any other way to behead him?
[00:11:05] Unknown:
Our English cousins have switched to a headsman who does the job who is one blow of an axe.
[00:11:12] Unknown:
Kill a man with an axe. It's inhuman. It's barbaric. Well, still, what do you expect from the English? Guillotine. That guillotine. Let me see. You must be able to get one cheaper somewhere. You you mean shop around? Yeah. I know. I know. Get in touch with the Italians. After all, Italy has a king, and from one king to another, maybe you'll give us a cut rate. Cut rate. Yes, your majesty. Those French haven't been the same since they became a republic. All they think of is money. Money, money, money. That's all they think of.
[00:11:54] Unknown:
Oh, he won't stand for it. I know him. He'll he'll hit the seaweed. Oh, sorry. I'm late. What's the latest? We've just had word from the king of Italy. He'll be glad to help us out in the cost for the entire package, including removal of the remains, will be CHF12,000.
[00:12:15] Unknown:
He doesn't want any lira now. Oh, dear. Dear. I don't know that I wish to be the minister to tell his majesty that.
[00:12:27] Unknown:
CHF12,000. Did you say CHF12,000? To the soule, Your Majesty. Twelve. It's 4 less than 16. It's not much of a discount. Now, well, Raskin is still not worth that kind of money. Well, hardly, your majesty. Twelve thousand? Get up that sum, we'd have to tax every adult, madrasque CHF2 ahead.
[00:12:52] Unknown:
I don't think the people would stand for it.
[00:12:55] Unknown:
They wouldn't, your majesty. No. They'd be a ruddy riot. No. It's still too much. Still much too much. Have I made that clear?
[00:13:08] Unknown:
Oh, what do you want, God? Is, everything satisfactory,
[00:13:14] Unknown:
prisoner? Yeah. It is. What what?
[00:13:17] Unknown:
Your your dinner. Is everything up to your expectations? I could say not. Do you call this fili des soles in vestra? And the second course, is this scrawny geriatric capon deserved the name pude roti bosejour?
[00:13:34] Unknown:
You're not happy with the fish and the chicken? They're an insult to my palate.
[00:13:40] Unknown:
You can tell the king's cook that I am decidedly unhappy.
[00:13:44] Unknown:
This may be fit for a king, but I not Hey. Hey. Hey. What's this? What's all this? He he unlike the food, captain. Oh, now come now. You're a prisoner, sir.
[00:13:55] Unknown:
In fact, a condemned murderer,
[00:13:57] Unknown:
not a paying guest at one of Monaco's
[00:14:00] Unknown:
quality restaurants. Don't tell me what I am. I know my rights. He don't like the fillet of soul soothers. I am entitled to have exactly what I desire for my remaining meals on Earth. This is a fact known to the, of a penal system that we're all over. What a man condemned to die is entitled to. I know my international convention. Yeah.
[00:14:22] Unknown:
But my dear prisoner, you're not about to die. Our king has not been able to secure a guillotine at a price the kingdom can afford. This execution, your conduct is forced upon us, will cost Monaco much too much.
[00:14:38] Unknown:
Ah, oh, yeah. Well, I I see your dilemma. I I'll give that some thought. In the meantime, my dear captain, bring me some decent food fit for a decent human being to, eat.
[00:15:01] Unknown:
Well, there you have it. An execution that would cost too much. A condemned man demanding his rights. Doesn't justice appear a little topsy-turvy to you? Read something like this quite recently where it said that too often the rights of the guilty are more observed than the rights of the innocent.
[00:15:19] Unknown:
The criminal more cared for than the victim.
[00:15:22] Unknown:
Certainly, something has to give, but what? And when? And how? Let's find out when we continue with act two. Old Bill Shakespeare hit it right on the head when he wrote, Liberty plucks justice by the nose. The baby beats the nurse. Isn't that what we have here? A kingdom trying to meet out justice if it can be had at a bargain. A guilty man screaming about his own rights, oblivious to the right to live of the person he killed. Now back to the story. The next morning, the the prisoners summoned the captain of the guards.
[00:16:13] Unknown:
Oh, yeah. Well, I I have been thinking over your problem, captain, and I believe I can be of some, small assistance. I happen to have some excellent personal contacts with the, king of Sweden.
[00:16:27] Unknown:
Sweden, of course, has never adopted the idea of beheading as capital punishment. Punishment, but I happen to know for a fact the president told me that monsieur Joseph Ignatz guillotine
[00:16:38] Unknown:
The one who invented it. Yes. I know.
[00:16:42] Unknown:
May I finish? I'd sent to the king of Sweden a guillotine and an operator on approval. The prisoner said he might be able to persuade the king of Sweden to lend the machine to us so we could have our execution.
[00:16:56] Unknown:
Oh, well, well, well, well, this is a good thinking. That's, well, a worthy offer. Yeah. Should we pass the word along to a you know fool? Oh, yes. I think his majesty would approve. I'm quite impressed with your prisoner, captain. Thank you. I can see he's a an honorable soul regardless of his, transgressions, one who understands that justice is justice.
[00:17:19] Unknown:
Here. Here. There is only one slight drawback.
[00:17:23] Unknown:
Isn't there always
[00:17:25] Unknown:
a charge wise? We must bear in mind Sweden is many, many more kilometers from Monaco than France or Italy. It'll take months before we can expect delivery.
[00:17:36] Unknown:
Sailing vessels, storms, what have you. I'm sure the prisoner won't object to such the state of execution.
[00:17:44] Unknown:
Well, he most certainly won't object, but will we? Oh, why should we? Well, it's his term. Last, a convicted murderer. Has term been exchanged for his personal letter of endorsement to the king of Srinivas?
[00:17:59] Unknown:
Of course. After our gentleman is here, he's got the contact.
[00:18:04] Unknown:
Endorsing the loan for his own execution. But but he wants something in return. I think that's valid.
[00:18:11] Unknown:
He's the contact man, our man in Sweden, as it were. He has to be paid off a fee.
[00:18:19] Unknown:
He wants money. No. No. No. No. The prisoner's fee is that in return, he would like his meals every day from today
[00:18:28] Unknown:
to be of the supernative quality generally reserved for the condemned man's last meal. Do you think the king's cook can deliver? Well, certainly, Hope, we don't have to import a chef from Paris to feed this undesirable. And
[00:18:44] Unknown:
he has instructed me to request to the king's cook. Where did I put that piece of paper? For lunch today, he wants a cold poached bass s'oetoise. And for dinner tonight, filet mignon with a sauce Bearnaise. Is that all? So he hasn't decided about the wine.
[00:19:14] Unknown:
It's here. It's arrived.
[00:19:17] Unknown:
It's arrived. Well, Of course, it's arrived. We've been watching them all morning setting it up in the courtyard. I'd say half of Monaco is out here. Well, look at the people.
[00:19:28] Unknown:
Why don't we go down and main room with the crowd? A good way to get a sampling of public opinion.
[00:19:35] Unknown:
What do they think of guillotine? Should Monarcho own its own? You know, that kind of thing. Let's go. It should be interesting.
[00:19:45] Unknown:
Yes. Good idea. There's what I'd call a holiday episode. Wouldn't you say? Hey. Remember, your father was always interested in these happenings, your majesty. When he was a prince, we were as young men in France together during the interregnum. In cardinal tour, I trust. Oh, absolutely. We were at the hotel des Sanches just about as far from the tumble as we'll be at this window. Come come see.
[00:20:16] Unknown:
I don't know that I care to, frankly. I'm gonna
[00:20:22] Unknown:
squeeze this stomach. Oh, today is early to test lights downward of the blade just to make sure. You see those two upright posts with the cross beam to hold it together? They're grooved so that the knife will fall swiftly.
[00:20:37] Unknown:
Sir, what's that? Can they see me? Ask. For the executioner. That little fat fellow with all those muscles. Oh, what's he doing now? I can't see a thing without spectacles, and nobody can find them. He has a stone and a file,
[00:20:53] Unknown:
and I believe he's sharpening the blade to me. They do leave a bit, those French, don't they? Well, the blade got a little rusty after the long sea voyage from Sweden.
[00:21:04] Unknown:
Are you sure they can't see us?
[00:21:06] Unknown:
Why they're cheering? Wait. He's running his finger along the blade and and licking it. Now he's taking a bow. Now he has, let me see. One, two, three, four, five, six, 10 guards, and they're all pulling the cord to lift the blade up into place. Oh, it won't move. 10 men, and they can't budge it. He he's kicking the blade. Spread it. Spread it. Good man. Kicked it twice, and the darn thing traveled up the post like a monkey shitting up a palmetto tree. Now the executioner is going to do some trial runs. He's just supposed to give it a yank and it triggers.
Now he's talking to the captain. Head more, man. Mark. Ten more. Mark. Mark. They keep adding, man, to yank at that thing. It looks like the blade is jammed up there. One, two, three, pull. One, two, three, pull. He's got the whole army on it now. One, two, three, rub it. Your majesty. Now what? Safety. I have to go. You said, no. One one one one at a time. He said, I I think we should like the king of Sweden
[00:22:39] Unknown:
for that pile of firewood in the courtyard.
[00:22:44] Unknown:
We are not amused. I have asked you here for your thoughts on the disposition of the prisoner. Minister of Justice.
[00:22:56] Unknown:
The law says execution, but not by who? Might it be done by one of our soldiers? A soldier.
[00:23:05] Unknown:
I don't see how. Excellent.
[00:23:07] Unknown:
Why didn't any of you don't think of that? It's a natural. A soldier to cut a man's head off. Oh, my your majesty. After all, in war, soldiers don't mind killing people. In fact, that's what they're trained to do, is send for the general.
[00:23:25] Unknown:
Soldiers of Monaco, I ask now for volunteers to assist justice in this small but great land of ours. A criminal has been sentenced to be executed, and we need one man who will bravely undertake the task. One man step forward. I put it to you all again. All 60 of you brave defenders of the spirit that is Monaco. Will one man of you please step forward? I'd say that there'd probably be a few extra francs in it for the man who steps forward. Captain, may I have a word? General, they won't buy it. In combat, yes. But to them, execution is called blood. I had been dealt all along, but the king said do it, so I tried. Well, I'll tell him. I tried to.
Listen to you, general. You've got more stars. I'll say that a soldier simply does not know how to cut off ahead. This is not in our manual of arms.
[00:24:49] Unknown:
Well, it's about time. I've been waiting seven days to learn what progress we're making. I agree you have to take your majesty.
[00:24:56] Unknown:
The army declines, and I think if you were to examine our Manhattan code of military honor, you would certainly not find any reference to the duty you wish the soldier to perform. I took the matter up with the ministers, and execution by firing squad was suggested.
[00:25:14] Unknown:
Clear thinking. Yes. Why not? Well, however,
[00:25:18] Unknown:
it is the rifles issued to the men are not accurate enough. And in fact, in our test range just the other day, three of my men were injured when the guns fired backwards and the stocks dislocated three shoulder. I don't want to hear anymore. I simply do not wish to hear anymore.
[00:25:37] Unknown:
And now I'm made to defend the crown without accurate rifles. It's incredible.
[00:25:41] Unknown:
And for many years, I have been requesting a policy to update our weaponry. The minister of finance has our estimate. Why, with those things, we can't even hit rabbits at thirty hours. That's enough.
[00:25:55] Unknown:
If you have a talk with the minister of finance on that subject on another day? Your majesty, I I submitted a budget for your signature two weeks ago, and you said not now. It costs much too much. First things first.
[00:26:10] Unknown:
The condemned man, and how do we condemn him?
[00:26:15] Unknown:
Why, now,
[00:26:16] Unknown:
any more bright and cheery news for your king?
[00:26:21] Unknown:
Your your grace, for the past week, we have diligently put our heads together and considered You reconsider? We have assembled a commission and a subcommission, a committee and a subcommittee. To study the pros and cons wise. And we have finally concluded, sire, that the best thing would be to have your majesty, commute the death sentence to one of, life imprisonment. Well That way we could extricate ourselves from this miserable pickle, and you, sir, would be hailed as a monarch of mercy.
[00:27:07] Unknown:
That's fantastic
[00:27:09] Unknown:
and much much cheaper.
[00:27:18] Unknown:
I have the feeling that you out there listening are probably way ahead of me and that certainly you suspect
[00:27:40] Unknown:
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[00:28:06] Unknown:
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[00:28:46] Unknown:
lax pills.
[00:28:49] Unknown:
Let's return to the shenanigans of this extraordinary royal household of the long, long ago days in the history of this tiny country. To begin act three, let me just tell you that as soon as the king thought he has solved the problem of the plaguing prisoner, a new obstacle showed up. For not anywhere within the borders of Monaco was there a prison suitable for a man sentenced to life imprisonment?
[00:29:17] Unknown:
Oh, yes. We have a lockup, your majesty. But for a prisoner to spend the rest of his life in, hardly. What is this used for, general? Oh, overnight offenders. That's all. A shoplifter, a wife beater, a drunk. Of course. We could have one bill.
[00:29:34] Unknown:
Not so fast with the crown's money. Why don't I have a look around and see what we have on the premises? General, do you mind? You?
[00:29:43] Unknown:
Your majesty? Are you sure you want to do this yourself? Why not? Just find me. Now, here now is a possibility. The Royal Aquarium.
[00:29:56] Unknown:
The Royal Aquarium. Oh, no. Smells too fitty to me. We must remember that the poor fellow is going to spend the rest of his natural life here. Pee ew. No. We don't have to go one step further. The Royal Zoo is no better than the Royal Affirm. You cannot have the fella tie of s sixty eight. No, no.
[00:30:26] Unknown:
The Royal Aviary.
[00:30:28] Unknown:
Yes. The Royal Aviary. This is quite unseeable. What did you say? With his eardrum. What? Let's get out of here.
[00:30:42] Unknown:
Now this might not be back. The Royal's Table. Ah. Well,
[00:30:48] Unknown:
of course you could get used to it. Of course, if we gave it a good cleaning, There are certain advantages. Those small high windows with the bars. Even the stalls. Well, I mean, the prisoner could use one for sleeping, plenty of hay and straw, another straw for eating. Makes quite a sweet.
[00:31:12] Unknown:
And all this begins to make sense. Your highness, may I call your attention to one slight drawback? Yes. If the Royal Stable becomes a royal prison, where will we keep the royal hostage? Ah, actually, down here, your majesty is my favorite. I reserve suggesting this as a prison for love. Your majesty, the Royal Wine Cellar.
[00:31:44] Unknown:
My gracious. The Royal Wine Cellar. I haven't been down here in years. No. No. Not the Royal Wine Cellar for a prison. It's too great a temptation.
[00:31:58] Unknown:
Oh, the very place. How stupid of me. Why didn't I think of it before? We have a stone guardhouse not 50 yards from the palace kitchen door within full sight of the barracks and the entire
[00:32:10] Unknown:
army. Well, I'll just have a look at it if this place is what you say, and if we can safely announce our decision to our people. You know, my dear General, had the fellow not been so exceedingly cooperative dealing with the Swedes and so forth, I would not have taken such a personal interest in his case.
[00:32:34] Unknown:
It's quite a good turnout down there. It's a nice crowd.
[00:32:38] Unknown:
Who's keeping the king? Well, I advise him to make the people wait before he appears the balcony. The longer they wait, the more docile they are, and it builds up his interest anticipation wise. Oh, your majesty, we were just talking about you. Yes. Well, will somebody please pull the ermine collar back from my ears? Don't annoying the way it rides up. No. No. No. Not that way. Pin it to the cloak. Now the crowd. It feels crooked. Don't get away. You look crooked? I hate this car. It may have fitted farther, but it's much too small for me. Well, stop.
[00:33:24] Unknown:
Everybody with me? Oh, yes. You're not interested. Alright. Let's get this show on the road.
[00:33:36] Unknown:
Loyal subjects of the crown. We're all aware of the tragedy
[00:33:42] Unknown:
that's befallen our peace loving law abiding land.
[00:33:47] Unknown:
That one single Monadask has disregarded the canons of social behaviour and snuffed out the life of another Monadaskis. Yes. Well, it's pretty bad to say the least. However,
[00:34:03] Unknown:
there is the act of forgiveness. Is that not so? Who here would like to see a man die? Let me hear your voices.
[00:34:14] Unknown:
I'm sure very few. Oh. Oh. Oh, dear. You really are that fond of death for a criminal. However, I, your king, I feel compassion. Let me say, great compassion. Therefore,
[00:34:37] Unknown:
since we would rather our prisoner lived and learned to repent his misdeeds, we have decided to commute the death sentence
[00:34:46] Unknown:
to one of life in prison. Now, let let let let let let me tell you a little of the arrangements for the safeguarding of the prisoner. He will be incarcerated near the palace, well guarded round the clock by three ships, brought his meals by the guards, and, I I would say pretty well guarded. And so with this momentous news, we conclude. And thank you for your devoted attention. And now, everybody back to work. On the double. Oh, I'm exhausted. How how did I do? How did how did it go? I don't know. Ma ma, but it's just simply mahogany. I don't know.
I don't think I grabbed them. Cousin your majesty, can I be familiar just once? I would say that this life imprisonment is the best thing you ever did. Well, at least it's cheaper. I don't believe it. I can't believe it. Your majesty,
[00:36:07] Unknown:
I I've been keeping close tabs on the whole operation every month for the past twelve months from the day the prisoner started his sentence. I watched it like a hawk. I make sure there's no duplication, no waste, no fat, and these are the figures we'll go broke. Add it up. Around the clock guards for three hundred and sixty five days. That's eight thousand seven hundred and sixty guard hours. Food for the two shifts when they're not normally feeding guards. Food for the prisoner, and that's a heavy item. He's no cheap eater.
Don't get me wrong your majesty. I understand. Gourmet meals that was the deal. It can't be.
[00:36:50] Unknown:
CHF1,000 a year. No. Alright. The rest of you, you've been standing around with your mouths open and saying nothing. General ministers, say something. Perhaps the first year is always higher expense
[00:37:05] Unknown:
price. Oh, you don't, simpleton. This life as a young man. He could live for another fifty years. It's a Sophia trained on the royal purse. This rascal is bleeding us. There's got to be a cheaper way. We could save money if we dismiss the guards. Wait a minute. No guards in the prisoner might run away. Is that such a bad idea? He's got it. Is that such a bad idea? General, release the guards. Unlock the door. When, your majesty? This merry minute. Very good, sir. What time is it? A few minutes till dinner time. Good. Let's watch.
[00:37:47] Unknown:
When he hears the door unlock, you think they've brought him dinner. And then, here, this window faces just right. Let me see that. Yes. Oh, yes. The kitchen is below us to the left. Oh, there's the General. Uh-huh. A guard is unlocking the door and there goes the guard. You see him around the corner? There goes the General. Here he is. The prisoner. Absolutely. On the button. Oh. Look at the expression on his face. Where is my God to bring me my dinner? Oh. I wonder if he realizes he could escape right now. He could escape. The prisoner has disappeared.
Which way did he go? I know he didn't go back inside. Ah. Ministers I believe our problem has been solved. Our prisoner seems to have decided to take a little walk. Now, nobody here will go down there. Nobody in this room will give any kind of an alarm. Tomorrow, we shall decide in consultation with the minister of defense, the minister of transportation, as well as the minister of justice exactly when to give the alarm. The border is only a quarter hour away by train. On foot, it takes a little longer. We want him to have ample opportunity to make a complete escape. Your majesty, your highness, he's back.
Who's back? Prisoner. He's carrying a tray. It must be his dinner. Of course.
[00:39:31] Unknown:
He's been to the king's kitchen, fetched his own dinner. What do you think of that? Soap soapy? He's back inside his prison.
[00:39:41] Unknown:
Hiding the door behind him. He's not leaving.
[00:39:45] Unknown:
He's staying.
[00:39:52] Unknown:
Well, you might as well tell me. What's the bad news? He did it again all day.
[00:39:58] Unknown:
Opened the door at breakfast time. No guard in sight. Went to the Royal Kitchen. Asked for what he'd ordered. They gave it to him. He went back to his cell and he ate it. The same thing at lunch and at dinner. And he's ordered his menu right through Sunday. Well, I'm not waiting for any Sunday. What can we do? Tell him. That's what you have to do. Tell him straight out that we don't wanna keep him. We We don't wanna beat him. That he's a lazy good for nothing and to get out and get himself lost.
[00:40:30] Unknown:
Well, but I have nowhere to go. I mean, what what what can I do? Everybody knows about me. Every day, at least 50 rubbernecks walk around the guardhouse gawking and pointing and whispering. You will you have ruined my character by your sentence. What what can I do? My dear chap, wouldn't you feel better out in the world making an honest living? I tell you frankly, I've I've gotten out of the habit of working. Oh, come now. You you you treated me very badly. In in the first place, when you sentenced me to death, you should have executed me, but you but you didn't.
Alright. I didn't complain about that. And then you sentenced me for life and put guards on duty to bring me my food. Sometimes they'd be late, and I would have to wait as much as fifteen minutes for my dinner. I didn't complain about that either. Then you took the guards away and I had to fetch my own food. Well, perhaps I'm, too easygoing. I didn't complain about that either. But now you actually want me to go away? Oh, I can't I can't agree to that. You can tell the king that so far as I'm concerned, I'd, a deal is a a deal.
[00:41:51] Unknown:
Ministers, things are not as we might wish them to be. Does anyone here have any ideas of how we can get rid of this monster? Certainly. I'll offer the prisoner a pension. A pain?
[00:42:06] Unknown:
If he leaves the country. Penching him.
[00:42:10] Unknown:
Will you can we keep it reasonable?
[00:42:13] Unknown:
I suggest CHF500
[00:42:15] Unknown:
a year. Much is that? He he may go for it
[00:42:19] Unknown:
if found money wise. Yes. I agree with the Minister of Finance. It would be worth it to be rid of him.
[00:42:26] Unknown:
CHF500. Think maybe you do it for 4?
[00:42:31] Unknown:
I don't think we can haggle. Summer is coming, and it would knock us out of the tourist business. People don't want to visit a country where there's a roaming convict, a killer who doesn't want to leave and and and and whom we don't want to lock up. Well, that's it then. 500 per annum and that is it. Take it or leave it. That's what the king said. Well, I
[00:42:59] Unknown:
I guess I don't mind, so long as you give me your ministerial assurance to pay it, promptly and regularly. Oh, you have his majesty's word. On that condition, I am willing to do it. Oh, yes. And I'd like this year's pension in advance so I can get, settled in. Certainly. Good enough. Well, then, I shall be off. See you next year, same time. Oh, and, Minister, there's a a half a bottle of Montrachet over there if you'd like to finish it. Excellent here. Pity to let it go to waste.
[00:43:44] Unknown:
And so the matter was settled. The prisoners took his money, took the train, and in fifteen minutes was out of the country. He bought a bit of land just across the frontier and started market gardening. He never went hunting again. He never married again. Once a year, he goes to the palace, draws his pension, goes to the gaming tables, stakes CHF3, sometimes he wins, sometimes he loses, and returns home. And there's a bit more to this tale, which I will tell you when I return. You can find the story you've just heard written in Russian of cutting off a man's head or the expense of keeping him in prison for life.
To wind up, let all will Shakespeare have the last word. Use every man after his dessert, and who shall escape whipping? Our cast included Robert Dryden, Ian Martin, Court Benson, and Earl Hammond. The entire production was under the direction of Hyman Brown. This is EG Marshall inviting you to return to our mystery theater for another adventure in the macabre. Until next time.
[00:45:21] Unknown:
Pleasant dreams.
