In this lively episode, we dive into a world of humor and music with a comedic twist. Our hosts engage in a hilarious dialogue, exploring the intricacies of music and opera with a comedic flair. From discussing the legendary Bing Crosby's musical background to the humorous misunderstandings about musical notes and bars, the episode is filled with laughter and witty exchanges. Costello's attempts to sing and his interactions with Madame Spumoni add to the comedic chaos, as he navigates through musical terms and tries to find his place in the world of music.
Adding to the fun, Costello's brother, Sebastian, makes an appearance, bringing his own brand of humor to the show. The episode is a delightful mix of comedy sketches, musical jokes, and playful banter, showcasing the comedic genius of the hosts. Whether it's the confusion over musical flats or the playful jabs at each other's musical abilities, this episode is sure to entertain and bring a smile to your face.
(00:34) The World of Chumba Casino
(01:42) Costello's Musical Aspirations
(08:48) The Quest for a Theme Song
(12:13) Madame Spumoni's Vocal Lessons
(16:26) Sebastian's Piano Debut
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis, and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Introducing The Godfather Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champacasino.com. Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
Group. Boy where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply.
[00:00:35] Unknown:
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:39] Unknown:
Laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:46] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba Casino. Chumba. That's right. Chumbacasino.com has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumba. Chumba casino dot com.
[00:01:43] Unknown:
Crosby is famous all over the world as the groaner? I'm gonna be famous all over the world too. As the groaner? No. As the squealer. No. Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. Will you cut that out? You'll never be able to sing like Crosby. His voice is unique. The doctors found a wart on his vocal cord. For what? What do I care about a wart on his vocal cord? Look in my mouth, Abbot. Hey. What's that Bluejay plaster doing in your throat? I got a bunion on my windpipe. I'll cut out that silly talk. You can't go around imitating big Crosby. Yeah. People will say you're a mimic. A mimic? Yeah. No. They won't. I got as much blood as anybody. No. No. No. No. Never mind that, Costello. You still haven't told me why you came in here singing like Bing Crosby. Because I wanna do a high close high high close. High class. High class, not high close. It's wrong. Really well. Let's get a good one. Do a high class it's a bum reading. So what about it? Alright. I wanna do a can I help it? Alright. Well, say what you wanna say. Because I wanna do a high class program like this. There. No jokes. No comedy. Nothing but music and beautiful songs. Don't be silly, Costello. We can't get along without laughs. We've been doing all right up till now. No.
Costello, don't talk like an idiot. You can't compete with Bing Crosby. Look at his background. Look at his background. Yes. Look at it. Get a load of mine. I've got the biggest background in Hollywood. On my background, I've got 35 orange pees and a large smudge pot overlooking my barbecue pit. Pastel, look. I'm talking about Crosby's, musical training. Do you realize he studied opera? Why he spent fifteen years on Faust. Crosby spent fifteen years on Faust? Certainly. Then you've been lying to me, Adam. What do you mean I've been lying to you? For fifteen years, you've been telling me who is on Faust and what is on second. No. No. No. No. No. Every time I say what is on second, you would say what is on Faust? Not on Faust. No. You dummy. I don't mean he was on Faust. I mean, he sings Faust. He does not. He doesn't sing Faust? No. He sings very slow like my uncle already said it.
Yeah. Alright. I cut that out. Look, Costello. Faust is an opera. I'm asking you, please. Faust is an opera. Do you know any operas? Yes, Abba. I know two operas. You know two operas? Yes. Carmen and Miranda. No. Not Carmen Miranda. You mean the opera Carmen. Did you ever hear the third movement from Carmen? No. But I saw the fourth movement from Miranda. Cut it, Rick. What are you trying to do? Get into? Please. Don't be silly. You don't know the first thing about music. You don't even know how many kinds of notes there are. Oh, I don't. Now. Yes. I do. Alright. Name the different notes. Well, there's wall notes, tea notes, coconuts, cashew notes. Will you cut that out? I'm talking about musical notes. For instance, how many notes do you find in a bar? How many note how many notes do I find in a bar? That's right. My mother never lets me go into those places. A bar is is a measure of music, and every bar gives you a full measure. Say what? Every bar gives you a full measure. Not in Hollywood, they don't.
This is the home of short beer. Oh, no. No. Never mind that, Costello. In order to be a singer, you must be able to read notes. Freddie Rich, please. Hand me a sheet of music. Thank you. Yeah. Thanks. Now, Costello, tell me. What do you see on that piece of paper there? I see a bunch of flies sitting on a fence. No. No. And some of them have tails. No. No. No. Look like the tails are broken off. No. No. No. No. No. Those aren't those aren't flies. Those are notes. Freddie Rich wrote this music. Did he write it in bars? Certainly. Freddie Freddie wrote this song in 32 bars. In 32 bars? That's right. No wonder his music is so staggering. No. No. No. No. No. Costello. Costello.
He should know better than write music in bars. What do you mean? My only dude is cutting up at home like other musicians. Now just a minute, Costello. Freddie Rich is a great songwriter. I was with Freddie last night when he wrote a song in four flats. Four flats? Certainly. You guys sure get around, don't you? No. No. No. You idiot. Four flats is the key the song was written in. Freddie used the key of four flats. Freddie Rich has the key of four flats? That's right. Does his wife know about this? Look, Costello. When I say Freddie wrote a song in four flats, I don't mean the kind of flats you live in. I mean the kind of flats you play in, and the number of flats, gives you the key. And Freddie's key is four flats or a flat.
Oh. Oh. Now you got oh, that's a boy. You mean the flats that Freddie plays in in ain't the kind of flat he lives in? No. The key of the flat she plays in is four flats, and the flat he lives in has nothing to do with the key of the other four flats. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Oh, what do you do? My time is your time. All right. All right. All right. Castello, will you cut that off? I'm not going to let you sing on our program. Oh, habit. You've got it. I'm sorry. You have to. I've always wanted to sing. Oh. Even as a little kid, I used to sing in a quartet in a fish market. A fish market quartet? Yeah. There was four of us. First tuna, second tuna, barracuda, and bass.
Are you trying to tell me the fish market paid you to sing? No. We just sang for the halibut. I well, well, you can't sing on this program. This isn't a fish market. Oh, no? If this ain't a fish market, what are those four pickerel players doing in the band? Nah. Pickerel players. That isn't pickerel. That word is piccolo. Oh, no. It ain't. Piccolo is what I had for lunch. You had piccolo for lunch? Yep. Hamburger with mustard piccolo. No. No. No. No. No. That's, picolilly. Picolilly is a relish. That's what we got growing in our cup. You've got relish growing in your garden? Yeah. Horseradish. No. That's not relish. That's radish. Radish. Radish is what my girls got. Your girls got radish? Yeah. Green eyes and radish hair. Look, please. Talk sense, Costello. This has nothing to do with your silly idea of singing on the program. Oh, wait a minute. What's the matter? I tell you, Abbot, I gotta sing. What do you mean you gotta sing? Everybody wants me to make good. I'm sorry. I've always been musically inclined. On the day I was born, my mother looked at me and said, little Louie is gonna be a great musician. How could she tell? I was born with drums in my ears. I look up.
Alright, Costello. If you insist on singing, I might let you sing one number, but you can't sing Bing Crosby's theme song. You've gotta get a song of your own. Okay, Adam. I got a beautiful number about a girl on a bicycle. How does it go? She pushes it with her feet. No. No. No. No. I don't remember. Look, I've had enough of this dance. Look, Costello, if you wanna sing on this program, Well, here we are, Costello. This is the Ned Blank Music Company. Let's go in. My. Music is a beautiful thing. Yes, Costello. This is Tin Pan Alley, where all beautiful songs like that are written. Gee, Abbot. I wish I'd have brought along a needle and a thread. A needle and thread? What for? Give to that poor girl that's always dancing with a hole in her stocking. Oh, be quiet. Look. We've gotta find the head songwriter. Pardon me, sir. Are you the, manager? No. I'm the janitor. Just call me. Ireland must be heaven because my mother came from Dan Puchowski, speak to the secretary over there. Okay. Pardon me, miss, miss, Just call me. I, of course, replied Smoke is in Your Eyes, Honeycocker Road. And who is it, young man? Well, you can just call me. Praise the lord and pass the ammunition. Lula's back in town. Come down and get you in a taxi, honey. Customer.
Young lady, we came here to have a theme song written. Could you help us? Well, here comes our hit songwriter now. I haven't struggled yet riding strong time candy. All right, Eddette. Get everybody off the stage. Clear that joint up. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just a minute, Costello. Please don't interrupt me, Eddock. What do you mean? Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I wish to present my first musical program starring Lou Costello, better known as the squealer. I will sing No, no. That's not all anything, but no I can't stand it. There's a coward in every audience.
That man is right, Costello. You're not ready to sing yet. And wait a minute. What are you drinking out of that bottle? It's medicine for my throat. It's to keep me from getting hoarse. What is it? Horse liniment. And now if Freddie Rich and his orchestra is ready and the ushers will lock the doors, I will sing my opening number, The Flight of the Stumblebum
[00:11:23] Unknown:
by Ripsky Korsenoff. Now what's the matter, Freddie? Can't you handle it? Well, I just want to know how you want your music played. Do you want a poco, a poco, or a piu accelerando?
[00:11:36] Unknown:
Well, we'll just start out poco, and we'll finish up piu. And while I'm on a subject, was your script shaking? Now wait a wait a minute, Costello. The band isn't ready to play for you yet. They don't even know your range. My what? Your range. Every singer has a certain range. You know? Take little Connie Haines. Don't you like her range? Yes. In fact, I like her whole kitchen. And now stop interrupting me, Abbott. Come on, Freddie. Start the music. No. No. No. No. No. No. I tell you, you can't sing on this program without some, preparation. Listen. I've taken the liberty of hiring you a vocal instructor. Would you please step in here, madame Spamoni?
[00:12:35] Unknown:
Cut out the noise, lady. Noise? How dare you, young man. That was from Rigoletto.
[00:12:40] Unknown:
That was from Rigor Mortis. Now now, Costello, you can't talk that way to Madame Spumoni. Madame Spumoni? Yes. She's a great opera singer.
[00:12:49] Unknown:
Opera singer? Yes. She don't even look like an opera singer. You don't look like a chicken either, but I've heard you laid plenty of eggs. No.
[00:12:57] Unknown:
Now let's not argue, please. Madame Spumoni. Now just a minute here, please. Now look look, Lou. I brought I brought madame Smormoni over here to listen to your voice. Costello, sing a few notes for her. Alright. I'll sing my favorite song. I am writing Caroline. So you mean I'm calling Caroline? I mean I'm writing Caroline. The company took my phone out. Crustellus,
[00:13:17] Unknown:
I don't think you'd better try to sing a song yet. That's right, mister Crustellus. First, I wanna find out something. Do you have an ear for music? Yes, ma'am. But I sing better with my mouth. No. No. No. No. No. I'm living with something. What do you do? What do you what do go ahead. And tell me tell me what note I'm singing. Now what is that? That's eight. That was gee. It sounded like eight. Pastella.
[00:13:46] Unknown:
Pastella, please.
[00:13:48] Unknown:
Pay pay attention to madam Spumoni, will you? Yes, miss Cartel. Now I'd like to hear you sing the scale. Go ahead. Okay. Well, go ahead. There's more? Horse says more. The next note is b. Now hit me. I beg your pardon?
[00:14:05] Unknown:
I said hit me. Hit me. Abbott, this kid is asking for it. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Costello. Costello, put your foot down. She didn't say to hit her. She said hit me. Now you're talking. Will I get my co op and I'll smack the boat.
[00:14:25] Unknown:
I want you to sing me the third note in the scale. Now sing it alone first and then we'll try a few bars together. We'll try a few bars together.
[00:14:35] Unknown:
Certainly. You don't even appeal to me. Please.
[00:14:40] Unknown:
Certainly. I'll,
[00:14:41] Unknown:
I'll join you in the last four bars. If you do, you'll buy your own dream. I love you. Pastella, madame Spumoni, Mary wants to hear you sing a few notes. Oh, well, that's different. Wait. Get a load of this. Stop.
[00:14:56] Unknown:
Stop. Stop.
[00:14:59] Unknown:
Catello, your voice sounds very strange. Yes. I know it. I strained it singing through a screen door.
[00:15:05] Unknown:
No. Try it again, mister Catello. Now this time, I want you to give me a nice long pear shaped tone. A what? A pear shaped tone. Every note must come out of your mouth shaped like a pear.
[00:15:18] Unknown:
Which ends first? Cattro, please. Madame Smolomie Madame Smolomie simply means that you've got to breathe properly to sing. That is correct. Get it right. To blow the tone, you must sing from your diaphragm. Do you know where your diaphragm is? No. I haven't worn one of those since I was a baby. No. No. I'm not. No, Costello. She's talking about the thing you breathe with. What have you got between your stomach and your chest? My belt. I no.
[00:15:52] Unknown:
Gentlemen, gentlemen, if I may call you, gentlemen, you're wasting my time. Now, mister Costello, I'm going to ask you to sing these two words after me. Ready now? Fresh peace.
[00:16:02] Unknown:
Fresh peace. Fresh peace. Fresh peace. Fresh peace. Fresh peace. Fresh peace. Fresh peace. Fresh
[00:16:04] Unknown:
peace.
[00:16:08] Unknown:
That's not that fine. That's wonderful. Now wait a minute. What's the idea of getting me to holler fresh fish? Well, when I get through with you, if you can't make money one way, you can make it another.
[00:16:26] Unknown:
How do you like that day, Maven? I don't need her really, you know. I don't need anybody to help me sing. Oh, but, Costello, you you can't sing without music. I ain't gonna sing without music. My kid brother Sebastian is gonna play for me. Come on up here, Sebastian, and play the piano. Here I am, Louis. Oh, uncle Bud. Well, how are all the old jokes going tonight? Never mind that, Sebastian. Look here. Costello, your kid brother can't play on this program. Me doesn't know how to play the piano. Oh, yes. I do, uncle Bud. I play the piano with my feet. With your feet, what do you do with your hands? I hold them over my ears. I can't stand it.
[00:16:58] Unknown:
Oh, that's me. Sebastian, sit down on the piano stool. Sit down on the piano stool and play something for uncle Bud. Okay,
[00:17:08] Unknown:
Louie. What's the matter, Sebastian? Who unscrewed the top off this piano stool? Come, Sebastian. Let's see you play something.
[00:17:19] Unknown:
Okay.
[00:17:22] Unknown:
Sebastian. Sebastian. What was that you played?
[00:17:26] Unknown:
Home, sweet home. Now that was terrible. We have a terrible home. Sebastian, I'm surprised at you. You can play better than that. I gave you 50¢ for a piano lesson yesterday. I know it, Louie, but I spent the money on my girlfriend. I bought her a peppermint stick. You've got a girlfriend at your age? Yep. And yesterday was the first time I kissed her. You kissed her? Yeah. And we better finish the program fast. I'm getting hoarser and hoarser. Mhmm. I kissed her yesterday, uncle Appet, but it was an accident. We were both eating the same peppermint stick, and I ate past my half.
[00:18:04] Unknown:
Sebastian, here I was depending on you to play the piano for me tonight. I was gonna make my debut as a singer, and you deliberately take the hard earned money I gave you for piano lessons and spend it on a high living and wild women. You have impute on my good name. Why do you always do these things to me, Sebastian?
[00:18:23] Unknown:
Oh, I'm my bad boy.
Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis, and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Introducing The Godfather Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champacasino.com. Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
Group. Boy where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply.
[00:00:35] Unknown:
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:39] Unknown:
Laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:46] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba Casino. Chumba. That's right. Chumbacasino.com has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumba. Chumba casino dot com.
[00:01:43] Unknown:
Crosby is famous all over the world as the groaner? I'm gonna be famous all over the world too. As the groaner? No. As the squealer. No. Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. Will you cut that out? You'll never be able to sing like Crosby. His voice is unique. The doctors found a wart on his vocal cord. For what? What do I care about a wart on his vocal cord? Look in my mouth, Abbot. Hey. What's that Bluejay plaster doing in your throat? I got a bunion on my windpipe. I'll cut out that silly talk. You can't go around imitating big Crosby. Yeah. People will say you're a mimic. A mimic? Yeah. No. They won't. I got as much blood as anybody. No. No. No. No. Never mind that, Costello. You still haven't told me why you came in here singing like Bing Crosby. Because I wanna do a high close high high close. High class. High class, not high close. It's wrong. Really well. Let's get a good one. Do a high class it's a bum reading. So what about it? Alright. I wanna do a can I help it? Alright. Well, say what you wanna say. Because I wanna do a high class program like this. There. No jokes. No comedy. Nothing but music and beautiful songs. Don't be silly, Costello. We can't get along without laughs. We've been doing all right up till now. No.
Costello, don't talk like an idiot. You can't compete with Bing Crosby. Look at his background. Look at his background. Yes. Look at it. Get a load of mine. I've got the biggest background in Hollywood. On my background, I've got 35 orange pees and a large smudge pot overlooking my barbecue pit. Pastel, look. I'm talking about Crosby's, musical training. Do you realize he studied opera? Why he spent fifteen years on Faust. Crosby spent fifteen years on Faust? Certainly. Then you've been lying to me, Adam. What do you mean I've been lying to you? For fifteen years, you've been telling me who is on Faust and what is on second. No. No. No. No. No. Every time I say what is on second, you would say what is on Faust? Not on Faust. No. You dummy. I don't mean he was on Faust. I mean, he sings Faust. He does not. He doesn't sing Faust? No. He sings very slow like my uncle already said it.
Yeah. Alright. I cut that out. Look, Costello. Faust is an opera. I'm asking you, please. Faust is an opera. Do you know any operas? Yes, Abba. I know two operas. You know two operas? Yes. Carmen and Miranda. No. Not Carmen Miranda. You mean the opera Carmen. Did you ever hear the third movement from Carmen? No. But I saw the fourth movement from Miranda. Cut it, Rick. What are you trying to do? Get into? Please. Don't be silly. You don't know the first thing about music. You don't even know how many kinds of notes there are. Oh, I don't. Now. Yes. I do. Alright. Name the different notes. Well, there's wall notes, tea notes, coconuts, cashew notes. Will you cut that out? I'm talking about musical notes. For instance, how many notes do you find in a bar? How many note how many notes do I find in a bar? That's right. My mother never lets me go into those places. A bar is is a measure of music, and every bar gives you a full measure. Say what? Every bar gives you a full measure. Not in Hollywood, they don't.
This is the home of short beer. Oh, no. No. Never mind that, Costello. In order to be a singer, you must be able to read notes. Freddie Rich, please. Hand me a sheet of music. Thank you. Yeah. Thanks. Now, Costello, tell me. What do you see on that piece of paper there? I see a bunch of flies sitting on a fence. No. No. And some of them have tails. No. No. No. Look like the tails are broken off. No. No. No. No. No. Those aren't those aren't flies. Those are notes. Freddie Rich wrote this music. Did he write it in bars? Certainly. Freddie Freddie wrote this song in 32 bars. In 32 bars? That's right. No wonder his music is so staggering. No. No. No. No. No. Costello. Costello.
He should know better than write music in bars. What do you mean? My only dude is cutting up at home like other musicians. Now just a minute, Costello. Freddie Rich is a great songwriter. I was with Freddie last night when he wrote a song in four flats. Four flats? Certainly. You guys sure get around, don't you? No. No. No. You idiot. Four flats is the key the song was written in. Freddie used the key of four flats. Freddie Rich has the key of four flats? That's right. Does his wife know about this? Look, Costello. When I say Freddie wrote a song in four flats, I don't mean the kind of flats you live in. I mean the kind of flats you play in, and the number of flats, gives you the key. And Freddie's key is four flats or a flat.
Oh. Oh. Now you got oh, that's a boy. You mean the flats that Freddie plays in in ain't the kind of flat he lives in? No. The key of the flat she plays in is four flats, and the flat he lives in has nothing to do with the key of the other four flats. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Oh, what do you do? My time is your time. All right. All right. All right. Castello, will you cut that off? I'm not going to let you sing on our program. Oh, habit. You've got it. I'm sorry. You have to. I've always wanted to sing. Oh. Even as a little kid, I used to sing in a quartet in a fish market. A fish market quartet? Yeah. There was four of us. First tuna, second tuna, barracuda, and bass.
Are you trying to tell me the fish market paid you to sing? No. We just sang for the halibut. I well, well, you can't sing on this program. This isn't a fish market. Oh, no? If this ain't a fish market, what are those four pickerel players doing in the band? Nah. Pickerel players. That isn't pickerel. That word is piccolo. Oh, no. It ain't. Piccolo is what I had for lunch. You had piccolo for lunch? Yep. Hamburger with mustard piccolo. No. No. No. No. No. That's, picolilly. Picolilly is a relish. That's what we got growing in our cup. You've got relish growing in your garden? Yeah. Horseradish. No. That's not relish. That's radish. Radish. Radish is what my girls got. Your girls got radish? Yeah. Green eyes and radish hair. Look, please. Talk sense, Costello. This has nothing to do with your silly idea of singing on the program. Oh, wait a minute. What's the matter? I tell you, Abbot, I gotta sing. What do you mean you gotta sing? Everybody wants me to make good. I'm sorry. I've always been musically inclined. On the day I was born, my mother looked at me and said, little Louie is gonna be a great musician. How could she tell? I was born with drums in my ears. I look up.
Alright, Costello. If you insist on singing, I might let you sing one number, but you can't sing Bing Crosby's theme song. You've gotta get a song of your own. Okay, Adam. I got a beautiful number about a girl on a bicycle. How does it go? She pushes it with her feet. No. No. No. No. I don't remember. Look, I've had enough of this dance. Look, Costello, if you wanna sing on this program, Well, here we are, Costello. This is the Ned Blank Music Company. Let's go in. My. Music is a beautiful thing. Yes, Costello. This is Tin Pan Alley, where all beautiful songs like that are written. Gee, Abbot. I wish I'd have brought along a needle and a thread. A needle and thread? What for? Give to that poor girl that's always dancing with a hole in her stocking. Oh, be quiet. Look. We've gotta find the head songwriter. Pardon me, sir. Are you the, manager? No. I'm the janitor. Just call me. Ireland must be heaven because my mother came from Dan Puchowski, speak to the secretary over there. Okay. Pardon me, miss, miss, Just call me. I, of course, replied Smoke is in Your Eyes, Honeycocker Road. And who is it, young man? Well, you can just call me. Praise the lord and pass the ammunition. Lula's back in town. Come down and get you in a taxi, honey. Customer.
Young lady, we came here to have a theme song written. Could you help us? Well, here comes our hit songwriter now. I haven't struggled yet riding strong time candy. All right, Eddette. Get everybody off the stage. Clear that joint up. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just a minute, Costello. Please don't interrupt me, Eddock. What do you mean? Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I wish to present my first musical program starring Lou Costello, better known as the squealer. I will sing No, no. That's not all anything, but no I can't stand it. There's a coward in every audience.
That man is right, Costello. You're not ready to sing yet. And wait a minute. What are you drinking out of that bottle? It's medicine for my throat. It's to keep me from getting hoarse. What is it? Horse liniment. And now if Freddie Rich and his orchestra is ready and the ushers will lock the doors, I will sing my opening number, The Flight of the Stumblebum
[00:11:23] Unknown:
by Ripsky Korsenoff. Now what's the matter, Freddie? Can't you handle it? Well, I just want to know how you want your music played. Do you want a poco, a poco, or a piu accelerando?
[00:11:36] Unknown:
Well, we'll just start out poco, and we'll finish up piu. And while I'm on a subject, was your script shaking? Now wait a wait a minute, Costello. The band isn't ready to play for you yet. They don't even know your range. My what? Your range. Every singer has a certain range. You know? Take little Connie Haines. Don't you like her range? Yes. In fact, I like her whole kitchen. And now stop interrupting me, Abbott. Come on, Freddie. Start the music. No. No. No. No. No. No. I tell you, you can't sing on this program without some, preparation. Listen. I've taken the liberty of hiring you a vocal instructor. Would you please step in here, madame Spamoni?
[00:12:35] Unknown:
Cut out the noise, lady. Noise? How dare you, young man. That was from Rigoletto.
[00:12:40] Unknown:
That was from Rigor Mortis. Now now, Costello, you can't talk that way to Madame Spumoni. Madame Spumoni? Yes. She's a great opera singer.
[00:12:49] Unknown:
Opera singer? Yes. She don't even look like an opera singer. You don't look like a chicken either, but I've heard you laid plenty of eggs. No.
[00:12:57] Unknown:
Now let's not argue, please. Madame Spumoni. Now just a minute here, please. Now look look, Lou. I brought I brought madame Smormoni over here to listen to your voice. Costello, sing a few notes for her. Alright. I'll sing my favorite song. I am writing Caroline. So you mean I'm calling Caroline? I mean I'm writing Caroline. The company took my phone out. Crustellus,
[00:13:17] Unknown:
I don't think you'd better try to sing a song yet. That's right, mister Crustellus. First, I wanna find out something. Do you have an ear for music? Yes, ma'am. But I sing better with my mouth. No. No. No. No. No. I'm living with something. What do you do? What do you what do go ahead. And tell me tell me what note I'm singing. Now what is that? That's eight. That was gee. It sounded like eight. Pastella.
[00:13:46] Unknown:
Pastella, please.
[00:13:48] Unknown:
Pay pay attention to madam Spumoni, will you? Yes, miss Cartel. Now I'd like to hear you sing the scale. Go ahead. Okay. Well, go ahead. There's more? Horse says more. The next note is b. Now hit me. I beg your pardon?
[00:14:05] Unknown:
I said hit me. Hit me. Abbott, this kid is asking for it. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Costello. Costello, put your foot down. She didn't say to hit her. She said hit me. Now you're talking. Will I get my co op and I'll smack the boat.
[00:14:25] Unknown:
I want you to sing me the third note in the scale. Now sing it alone first and then we'll try a few bars together. We'll try a few bars together.
[00:14:35] Unknown:
Certainly. You don't even appeal to me. Please.
[00:14:40] Unknown:
Certainly. I'll,
[00:14:41] Unknown:
I'll join you in the last four bars. If you do, you'll buy your own dream. I love you. Pastella, madame Spumoni, Mary wants to hear you sing a few notes. Oh, well, that's different. Wait. Get a load of this. Stop.
[00:14:56] Unknown:
Stop. Stop.
[00:14:59] Unknown:
Catello, your voice sounds very strange. Yes. I know it. I strained it singing through a screen door.
[00:15:05] Unknown:
No. Try it again, mister Catello. Now this time, I want you to give me a nice long pear shaped tone. A what? A pear shaped tone. Every note must come out of your mouth shaped like a pear.
[00:15:18] Unknown:
Which ends first? Cattro, please. Madame Smolomie Madame Smolomie simply means that you've got to breathe properly to sing. That is correct. Get it right. To blow the tone, you must sing from your diaphragm. Do you know where your diaphragm is? No. I haven't worn one of those since I was a baby. No. No. I'm not. No, Costello. She's talking about the thing you breathe with. What have you got between your stomach and your chest? My belt. I no.
[00:15:52] Unknown:
Gentlemen, gentlemen, if I may call you, gentlemen, you're wasting my time. Now, mister Costello, I'm going to ask you to sing these two words after me. Ready now? Fresh peace.
[00:16:02] Unknown:
Fresh peace. Fresh peace. Fresh peace. Fresh peace. Fresh peace. Fresh peace. Fresh peace. Fresh
[00:16:04] Unknown:
peace.
[00:16:08] Unknown:
That's not that fine. That's wonderful. Now wait a minute. What's the idea of getting me to holler fresh fish? Well, when I get through with you, if you can't make money one way, you can make it another.
[00:16:26] Unknown:
How do you like that day, Maven? I don't need her really, you know. I don't need anybody to help me sing. Oh, but, Costello, you you can't sing without music. I ain't gonna sing without music. My kid brother Sebastian is gonna play for me. Come on up here, Sebastian, and play the piano. Here I am, Louis. Oh, uncle Bud. Well, how are all the old jokes going tonight? Never mind that, Sebastian. Look here. Costello, your kid brother can't play on this program. Me doesn't know how to play the piano. Oh, yes. I do, uncle Bud. I play the piano with my feet. With your feet, what do you do with your hands? I hold them over my ears. I can't stand it.
[00:16:58] Unknown:
Oh, that's me. Sebastian, sit down on the piano stool. Sit down on the piano stool and play something for uncle Bud. Okay,
[00:17:08] Unknown:
Louie. What's the matter, Sebastian? Who unscrewed the top off this piano stool? Come, Sebastian. Let's see you play something.
[00:17:19] Unknown:
Okay.
[00:17:22] Unknown:
Sebastian. Sebastian. What was that you played?
[00:17:26] Unknown:
Home, sweet home. Now that was terrible. We have a terrible home. Sebastian, I'm surprised at you. You can play better than that. I gave you 50¢ for a piano lesson yesterday. I know it, Louie, but I spent the money on my girlfriend. I bought her a peppermint stick. You've got a girlfriend at your age? Yep. And yesterday was the first time I kissed her. You kissed her? Yeah. And we better finish the program fast. I'm getting hoarser and hoarser. Mhmm. I kissed her yesterday, uncle Appet, but it was an accident. We were both eating the same peppermint stick, and I ate past my half.
[00:18:04] Unknown:
Sebastian, here I was depending on you to play the piano for me tonight. I was gonna make my debut as a singer, and you deliberately take the hard earned money I gave you for piano lessons and spend it on a high living and wild women. You have impute on my good name. Why do you always do these things to me, Sebastian?
[00:18:23] Unknown:
Oh, I'm my bad boy.
