In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring a series of humorous misadventures. The chaos begins with a car accident involving Costello and Mrs. Niles, leading to a series of misunderstandings and slapstick humor. As Costello tries to navigate the situation, he encounters a series of comedic exchanges with Abbott, Mrs. Niles, and even a policeman, showcasing the classic comedic timing and wordplay that fans love.
The episode continues with Costello and Abbott's journey to Palm Springs, where they aim to recruit Veronica Lake for their next film. The duo's antics escalate as they attempt to rent a car, leading to a hilarious "who's on first" style routine about a car rental company. The comedy reaches its peak with a series of misunderstandings on a movie set, involving a director and Veronica Lake herself, culminating in a whirlwind of comedic confusion and laughter.
(00:30) The Car Accident and Its Consequences
(05:20) The Confusion of Renting a Car
(09:01) Checking into the Hotel
(12:00) Meeting Veronica Lake
(14:22) The Film Set Chaos
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Lucky Land Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line of the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never went in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com.
[00:00:24] Unknown:
Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void record written by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions plus. See what type of details. Hey.
[00:00:33] Unknown:
Up there. Oh, there you are, Costello Lead again. You know we have to go to Palm Springs Oh, yeah. Yeah. To bar missus Niles' car. Yeah. But I had a terrible accident happen. I upset it. I gotta turn it over right away or missus Niles won't like it. Well, we can do that when we come back to Palm Springs. No. I gotta turn the car over now. Missus Niles is gonna be mad. I'll explain it to missus Niles. Where is she? She's under the car. What? She's under the car? Yeah. Is she in a coma? No. She's in the evening gown. No. No. Well, then let's get Ken Niles to help lift the car up. Oh, Ken is in a good spot to help us. Well, fine. Where is he? He's under the car too. Oh, my goodness. For goodness sakes. How did this accident happen? I bumped into another car rabbit, and boy was that driver mad at me. He said, for 2¢, I put you right in the nose. Then what happened? He ran up a bill $8. You were very you were very silly to argue with a driver. Why didn't you call a police? I didn't have to. I hit one. Yeah. You what? I hit a policeman. You hit a policeman?
In uniform? No. I hit him right in the nose. Oh. Oh, this is this is life. Let's spoil our whole trip to Palm Springs. That did the cop recognize you? Yeah. Could he swear to you? Could he swear to me? Yeah. Yeah. And I swear it right back down here. That's what I thought. I said to you, David Copperfield, you tell the two cities, you Oliver Twist. Wait a minute. What did you say that for? I was giving him the dickens. I oh. This is a fine thing. Now I have to straighten him out with a policeman. Where is he? He's under the car too. Alright. Good. What are they all doing under the car? Have you looked for an apartment lately, Diza? Wait a minute. Here comes mister and missus Niles. Better be the Castello.
[00:02:22] Unknown:
Oh, no. You don't. Use that head flabby card flipping phone. Oh, do you realize you left me out there under the car holding up the rumble sheet?
[00:02:31] Unknown:
What a line holding up the rumble sheet. I could spoil the whole network right here, but I won't.
[00:02:39] Unknown:
Don't stand there like an idiot. What have you got to say? Good morning, Mrs. Niles.
[00:02:43] Unknown:
Don't good morning me. Good night, Mrs. Niles. That day went past, didn't it? Costello, why did you leave Mrs. Niles under the back seat of that car? Isn't that where they always keep the crank? Okay.
[00:02:56] Unknown:
Just a minute, you worm. Don't try to wiggle out of this. What about me? Look at my suit. I'm a mess. Without looking at your suit, you're a mess. But look at the spots all over my suit. Alright. Throw the suit away and wear the spot.
[00:03:10] Unknown:
Fuck, fellow wife. Petty not. We're going out to get the policeman and sue you for damages. Damages? But, missus No. That's fine. Thank you.
[00:03:23] Unknown:
Damages. But, missus Niles, did did you get hurt? But I just heard. I have a big scratch on my crazy bone. Put your hat on and nobody will notice it.
[00:03:33] Unknown:
Oh, come, Kenneth.
[00:03:35] Unknown:
Come on, Abbot. Think fast. Think very fast. I gotta get out of here before you come back with a car. Oh, you can cause more trouble. We're going down to Palm Springs to ask Veronica Lake to appear on our next picture. Yeah. I hope she will. She will. Now, you wrecked the car. We've got to we're going to use. What are we gonna do? I haven't. Well, now we'll have to rent a car. You mean because I wrecked the car, we gotta rent another car? Yes. We'll have to rent it. Okay. Where can we get one? You drive. I beg your pardon? You drive.
Me drive? No. You drive. I said I drive. No. You don't drive it. I drive it. Drive what? A you drive. Why should I drive when you want to drive? No. I am going to drive. Look, Costello. I'm renting a you drive and I drive it. Then we both drive it. No. We do nothing of the kind I drive it. When I say you drive, I don't mean you drive. I mean that I drive, although it's a you drive. When you say you drive, you don't mean me drive. You mean you drive because me don't drive. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. Now you've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. I have it. Take it easy. Don't try to get me mixed up. Go ahead. Hello. You go to a place and you rent a car. Yes.
You, not me. You are driving the car. Yes. Where am I sitting? You are sitting right next to me. Is there a steering wheel in front of me? No. And you're positive that I am not driving? I'm positive. And you are driving the car? Yes. Alright. What kind of a car are you driving? You drive. All I can say is somebody better be driving, brother. No. No. No. No. No. Look, Costello. I'm trying to explain this. We go and rent a car. Right. Now where are we gonna get it? You drive company. Now I drive company. I thought we were going to pot sprinkler. You don't understand. It hurts you drive. Well, if it hurts you drive.
That's right. That's right. This thing is getting worse. Oh, no. Don't you see? The head of the company's hurts. That's too bad. What hurts him? Nothing. Nothing hurts him. Look. Every company has to have a head. Not true. This company's heads hurts. Then let him take your nap. Listen, miss Stella. Please listen to me. It's Hertz. You drive all over the country. If it hurts to drive all over the country, why should I drive to Palm Springs and get hurt? You don't get hurt. It's Hertz company. Hertz company. I don't wanna hurt nobody. Look. When you listen to me, the man's name is Hertz. He rents cars. You drive. It's you drive all over the country.
Not with that OPA, brother. Now what are you talking about? What Well, Costello, here we are at the swanky Lone Palm Hotel right out here in the middle of the desert. Oh, I don't like the desert. It's full of insects. Oh, not at this time of the year. Yeah. But where do what little bugs go to wintertime? Search me. No. Thanks. I just wanted to find out. I ought our lesson, please. Stop that. Come on. Let's get a roll. Okay. Oh, clerk. Clerk. Oh, jerk jerk. Hey. Just a moment, please. This is a very high class hotel. I'll have you understand. I'm not a jerk. You're not even a vibration. Pastello, will you please act like a gentleman? Okay, kid. Clerk, we'd like a room. Very well. Do you want a room with a bath? What do you think I wanna do? Follow the arrow?
Listen, Clerk. We're going to make a very important picture, please.
[00:07:26] Unknown:
Costello, will you listen to me? Mr. Clark, we're going to make a very important picture. And we came down here to see Veronica Lake about being our leading lady. Oh, yes. She's stopping here. Every time I see Veronica Lake, I want to kiss her. My mind says no. My heart says yes. What do you hear from your liver?
[00:07:43] Unknown:
Well, mister Costello, if you'll just sign the register, I'll have the boy show you your suite. My what? Your suite. Your suite. You're chilled too. Oh, come on, clerk. Now what about the room? Alright, mister Costello. I have a lovely room for you on the Tenth Floor. Here's the key, ten o six. Now get going. Okay. And, clerk, I'd like to leave a call for 12:00. Sorry. We're all out of 12:00 call. Then call me twice at six. Now listen, Costello. Please. Take that key and get up to the Tenth Floor and into your room. Okay. See you later, Robert. Alright. Hello? Okay. Now listen, Clark. I wanna meet Veronica Lake right away because do you see every Tenth Floor? Tenth Floor? Wait a minute. There's only one floor in this hotel. You haven't got Tenth Floor. Oh, good heavens, man. You're right. This is serious. Oh, mister Costello, there's no Tenth Floor. Come right down.
Down. Oh, oh, Costello. Costello, speak to me, Costello. Are you all right? What can I do for you? Send the boy up from my bags. Here it is. Hey. Come on now, Abbot. Now let's get out of this place now. Now I've never been so humidity in all my life. Humidity? Yes. He humiditied me. Humidity? Humidity means damn. Then let's get out of this damn hotel. Damn. You can't check out. You just checked in. Oh, it's the gypsy and me. Oh, never mind. Shut up. You can't leave here. Now we've got to see Veronica Lake. Okay. But if I stay, I want a room right close to hers. Well, that's easily arranged. Miss Lake is in 104,
[00:09:27] Unknown:
and I'll put you in 105.
[00:09:29] Unknown:
Ain't you got nothing closer? Hannah, look. Never mind, please. Grab the bags, and let's get to our room. It's right over there. Now here's the key. Open the door.
[00:09:38] Unknown:
I got it. Look who's in our room. And I'm only three and a half years old.
[00:09:46] Unknown:
Matilda, how did you get to Palm Spring? You come down here on the Greyhound? No. The Greyhound was full.
[00:09:53] Unknown:
I came down on a Pekingese. Uncle Louie, I got a job here in mister King Charming's Lone Palm Hotel. What's the job, Matilda? I'm chambermaid. I put lace curtains around all the mouse holes in the wall. Lace curtains around all the mice holes? Why do you do that? That it's a a higher class knife.
[00:10:15] Unknown:
Oh, come on. Now get out of here. Now listen, Castillo. I hey. Abbott. That's Matilda knocking on the door again. Just to bother me. I'm gonna put her over my knee and paddle her. Alright. You asked for it.
[00:10:29] Unknown:
I beg your pardon.
[00:10:31] Unknown:
I thought you was only three and a half years old. Costello, it's Veronica Lake.
[00:10:44] Unknown:
See here, Costello. I came here because the room clerk said you wanted to see me, and this happened. I've never been so humiliated in all my life. See, Abbot, she said the same word. That humiliate humiliate
[00:10:55] Unknown:
she teaches a damn hotel too.
[00:10:58] Unknown:
Dampness has nothing to do with it. I said humiliate. Conjugated from the Latin. Humilius, humiliia, humiliium. I humiliate. She humiliates. They humiliate.
[00:11:08] Unknown:
Now do you understand? Yes, ma'am. Everybody in the joint is damp. Will you stop that and pay attention to miss Lake?
[00:11:18] Unknown:
Yes, Costello. I'll have you know that I studied Latin at my mater's knee. Your whose knee? Mater. Mater means mother. Pater means father.
[00:11:31] Unknown:
Where are your maters, tater? They went to the theater with my braider and sater. I mean, after all, I mean look, Veronica. Never mind that. Did I make up on my own? Keep quiet, Lou. Please pay no attention to it, Veronica. The fact is we came down here to see you about being the leading lady in our next picture. Well, I think that's impossible because I'm down here Slake's line, please. Thank you, Veronica.
[00:11:56] Unknown:
I'm down here making a picture of my own. My director is waiting for me now out in the desert. I'd like to go with you. How do you get out there? On a jackass. Did you ever ride a jackass? No. Then you'd better get on to yourself.
[00:12:11] Unknown:
That's sort of a very, very snappy remark, ain't it? That's a funny joke. I think I'll try it on Abbott. I have it. Now what do you want? Did you ever ride a jackass? No. Then hop on my back. Back. Oh, pardon me. You know, Costello, you really did give me a good ride. That's right, pal. I did tonight. Mhmm. Come on. What are you trying to tie me up to the hedge and post for? Hey, Clyde, you guys. We're shooting a picture. Get that camera over here. Alright, you extras. Line up on the right. Hey, Joe. Bring that dummy over here. Okay. Put me down. Put me down.
Hey, Costello. Look at those beautiful extra girls over there. Now as long as we're here, what do you say we date? I have a couple for the night. Oh, no. Not after last night, my friend. What do you mean? We had a couple of girls last night. Well, sir. Alright. You had the best luck of one. So why? Yours had teeth. Now wait a minute, please. Never mind that. Yours had teeth too. I'll say she did. Yeah. I had so much bridge work every time I kissed her, I had to pay toll. Alright. Never mind that. I think after all, there's a come on. And another thing happened. What? We're down here for business. I know that. We've gotta get Veronica Lincoln our picture. Alright. There's a dressing room over there. I'll knock on the door.
Oh, it's you boys again. I told you at the hotel that I wouldn't appear in your picture. But, Veronica, you're making a great mistake. We've had a lot of experience in the theater. I was in Tobacco Road.
[00:13:41] Unknown:
What did you do? Empty the ashtrays?
[00:13:44] Unknown:
Boy, she sure told you Abbott. Just a minute, Costello. Where did you ever act? Where did I ever act? I played in the way of all flesh. What part did you play? I was one of the meatballs. I didn't recognize you in that. You didn't recognize me, Well, I was wearing a spaghetti toupee.
[00:14:02] Unknown:
Well, well, that's the first time you ever used your knead noodle.
[00:14:08] Unknown:
Well, I guess it's no use, Costello. Veronica will only make a picture with Glamour Boys. I'm a Glamour Boy. Just the other night, Hedy Lamont told me I was her idea of a lover, then her husband walked in. Then what happened? Her idea was carried out.
[00:14:22] Unknown:
I'll tell you what I'll do, fellas. We're just about to shoot a scene for my picture.
[00:14:27] Unknown:
That scene is shot. Now what about the next one?
[00:14:31] Unknown:
Veronica,
[00:14:32] Unknown:
we're already on the set. Oh, here comes my director. Oh, Cliff, I want you to meet mister Costello. Mister Nazzaro, mister Costello. Mister Abbott, mister Nazzaro. Mister Costello, mister Abbott, mister Abbott. Get Ryan to call her. Let's get some more chairs. Will you?
[00:14:45] Unknown:
He's it. Quiet.
[00:14:46] Unknown:
Cliff, can you use these two boys in our picture? Yes. I think so. I, I need a lover and a stuntman. I'm a lover. I'm stunted.
[00:14:55] Unknown:
Now wait a minute, Abbott. You're no lover. Now what do you mean? When I come on the screen, women sit up and notice me. Oh, yeah? The women who notice you are too old to sit up.
[00:15:05] Unknown:
Cliff, we're wasting time. Why don't you explain the scene to the boys? Alright. Now, boys, this is a very simple scene. The camera catches Veronica and Abbott in an embrace. Costello, you come into the room, and I want you to walk over to race, lift up the castor, and pull in your sailor race, and pull them out the capitol all to suffer metal metal metal.
[00:15:27] Unknown:
How can Abbott do that to me?
[00:15:32] Unknown:
You don't stand for it. You grab Veronica in your arms and you say, Veronica, I'm alone, sister. And every time that I put you a secret little credit rating, I want you to cater free so not to vote a vice for the times that I sampled it in many parts of the regular type of title.
[00:15:49] Unknown:
Did you get it? Yeah. I mean, you you you didn't say it. Why don't you pay attention? He's directing you, Lou. Costello,
[00:15:58] Unknown:
I want you to know that you can't insult my director. Absolutely not. After all, I just told you I want you to go over to Veronica. Pick up the Santa Grace, not the little cats and hope it's a matter of all. I want you to walk towards her. Put your arms for the middle Santa Face, pull and tell the table, and treat this sort of thing. And I know what I'm saying.
[00:16:20] Unknown:
You and nobody else.
[00:16:24] Unknown:
There you go again insulting him. I can't understand you. You can't understand me.
[00:16:31] Unknown:
Listen to here. What's the matter with you, Costello? Can't you take direction?
[00:16:36] Unknown:
Mister Nazaro is a famous director. Yes. You mean you mean to tell me you never saw Gorman with the Samadrens? Or for whom the Bells told the Samadrens?
[00:16:48] Unknown:
I never saw them, but I saw Gwalica out the dick.
[00:16:59] Unknown:
You mean Guadalcanal did? Did it? I saw it twice. Can you stop that, please? Let's get back to the scene, sir. Listen. Costello was just about to make love to me. Alright, Veronica. Now, Costello, listen once more. You fall in love with Veronica and propose to her. I want you to give me that depth of assort of grace when it pays for me. And I want you to go over to her and bring out the cash and bring out the sound of force of the times when you love not Tyreke battles other actors of race. I want you to sound of former celebrities.
[00:17:27] Unknown:
Don't you agree with me? Yeah. But what about the children? Listen. He didn't mention any children, but he could have.
[00:17:38] Unknown:
Now listen, Veronica. I've got a reputation, and I don't have to stand for this because if I have to stand, listen, these fellows come tell me that I've directed formaries. I've made tantrums, ball prints. He must sell the trees, compost, and every day to talk to the picture. And I'm already ready to sell it, and I'll do it too.
[00:17:54] Unknown:
And he means every word of it.
[00:17:57] Unknown:
Look, folks. I I realized I lost my head, and there's just thing I'd like there's just one more thing I'd like to say before I go. Yeah.
[00:18:09] Unknown:
I'm glad he said that because he's a nice fellow.
[00:18:13] Unknown:
Yes. He certainly is, Costello. Just think after the way you treated him. He was big enough to walk back and say, Stanislausen, I was dancing.
[00:18:24] Unknown:
And that means a lot too. Yes, Lou. What have you got to say? I mean, after all, what can I say after the fellow was big enough to come back and say,
[00:18:38] Unknown:
Lou, if you hadn't been so friendly when he came in to thraline in clivisade, he wouldn't have been so palustide?
[00:18:45] Unknown:
Palustide? That's the one thing I can do to him, palustide. I mean, what does he want from me? What does he want from you?
[00:18:54] Unknown:
Why at this very moment, he might be outside guilt pending?
[00:18:58] Unknown:
No. Not guilt pending. Who Abbott? Abbott, come on. We haven't got a minute to lose. Where are we going? We're going outside and you'll send Willow. Get out of here.
[00:19:21] Unknown:
Lucky Land Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line of the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never win in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com.
[00:19:44] Unknown:
Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void record by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. See website for details.
Lucky Land Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line of the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never went in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com.
[00:00:24] Unknown:
Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void record written by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions plus. See what type of details. Hey.
[00:00:33] Unknown:
Up there. Oh, there you are, Costello Lead again. You know we have to go to Palm Springs Oh, yeah. Yeah. To bar missus Niles' car. Yeah. But I had a terrible accident happen. I upset it. I gotta turn it over right away or missus Niles won't like it. Well, we can do that when we come back to Palm Springs. No. I gotta turn the car over now. Missus Niles is gonna be mad. I'll explain it to missus Niles. Where is she? She's under the car. What? She's under the car? Yeah. Is she in a coma? No. She's in the evening gown. No. No. Well, then let's get Ken Niles to help lift the car up. Oh, Ken is in a good spot to help us. Well, fine. Where is he? He's under the car too. Oh, my goodness. For goodness sakes. How did this accident happen? I bumped into another car rabbit, and boy was that driver mad at me. He said, for 2¢, I put you right in the nose. Then what happened? He ran up a bill $8. You were very you were very silly to argue with a driver. Why didn't you call a police? I didn't have to. I hit one. Yeah. You what? I hit a policeman. You hit a policeman?
In uniform? No. I hit him right in the nose. Oh. Oh, this is this is life. Let's spoil our whole trip to Palm Springs. That did the cop recognize you? Yeah. Could he swear to you? Could he swear to me? Yeah. Yeah. And I swear it right back down here. That's what I thought. I said to you, David Copperfield, you tell the two cities, you Oliver Twist. Wait a minute. What did you say that for? I was giving him the dickens. I oh. This is a fine thing. Now I have to straighten him out with a policeman. Where is he? He's under the car too. Alright. Good. What are they all doing under the car? Have you looked for an apartment lately, Diza? Wait a minute. Here comes mister and missus Niles. Better be the Castello.
[00:02:22] Unknown:
Oh, no. You don't. Use that head flabby card flipping phone. Oh, do you realize you left me out there under the car holding up the rumble sheet?
[00:02:31] Unknown:
What a line holding up the rumble sheet. I could spoil the whole network right here, but I won't.
[00:02:39] Unknown:
Don't stand there like an idiot. What have you got to say? Good morning, Mrs. Niles.
[00:02:43] Unknown:
Don't good morning me. Good night, Mrs. Niles. That day went past, didn't it? Costello, why did you leave Mrs. Niles under the back seat of that car? Isn't that where they always keep the crank? Okay.
[00:02:56] Unknown:
Just a minute, you worm. Don't try to wiggle out of this. What about me? Look at my suit. I'm a mess. Without looking at your suit, you're a mess. But look at the spots all over my suit. Alright. Throw the suit away and wear the spot.
[00:03:10] Unknown:
Fuck, fellow wife. Petty not. We're going out to get the policeman and sue you for damages. Damages? But, missus No. That's fine. Thank you.
[00:03:23] Unknown:
Damages. But, missus Niles, did did you get hurt? But I just heard. I have a big scratch on my crazy bone. Put your hat on and nobody will notice it.
[00:03:33] Unknown:
Oh, come, Kenneth.
[00:03:35] Unknown:
Come on, Abbot. Think fast. Think very fast. I gotta get out of here before you come back with a car. Oh, you can cause more trouble. We're going down to Palm Springs to ask Veronica Lake to appear on our next picture. Yeah. I hope she will. She will. Now, you wrecked the car. We've got to we're going to use. What are we gonna do? I haven't. Well, now we'll have to rent a car. You mean because I wrecked the car, we gotta rent another car? Yes. We'll have to rent it. Okay. Where can we get one? You drive. I beg your pardon? You drive.
Me drive? No. You drive. I said I drive. No. You don't drive it. I drive it. Drive what? A you drive. Why should I drive when you want to drive? No. I am going to drive. Look, Costello. I'm renting a you drive and I drive it. Then we both drive it. No. We do nothing of the kind I drive it. When I say you drive, I don't mean you drive. I mean that I drive, although it's a you drive. When you say you drive, you don't mean me drive. You mean you drive because me don't drive. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. Now you've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. I have it. Take it easy. Don't try to get me mixed up. Go ahead. Hello. You go to a place and you rent a car. Yes.
You, not me. You are driving the car. Yes. Where am I sitting? You are sitting right next to me. Is there a steering wheel in front of me? No. And you're positive that I am not driving? I'm positive. And you are driving the car? Yes. Alright. What kind of a car are you driving? You drive. All I can say is somebody better be driving, brother. No. No. No. No. No. Look, Costello. I'm trying to explain this. We go and rent a car. Right. Now where are we gonna get it? You drive company. Now I drive company. I thought we were going to pot sprinkler. You don't understand. It hurts you drive. Well, if it hurts you drive.
That's right. That's right. This thing is getting worse. Oh, no. Don't you see? The head of the company's hurts. That's too bad. What hurts him? Nothing. Nothing hurts him. Look. Every company has to have a head. Not true. This company's heads hurts. Then let him take your nap. Listen, miss Stella. Please listen to me. It's Hertz. You drive all over the country. If it hurts to drive all over the country, why should I drive to Palm Springs and get hurt? You don't get hurt. It's Hertz company. Hertz company. I don't wanna hurt nobody. Look. When you listen to me, the man's name is Hertz. He rents cars. You drive. It's you drive all over the country.
Not with that OPA, brother. Now what are you talking about? What Well, Costello, here we are at the swanky Lone Palm Hotel right out here in the middle of the desert. Oh, I don't like the desert. It's full of insects. Oh, not at this time of the year. Yeah. But where do what little bugs go to wintertime? Search me. No. Thanks. I just wanted to find out. I ought our lesson, please. Stop that. Come on. Let's get a roll. Okay. Oh, clerk. Clerk. Oh, jerk jerk. Hey. Just a moment, please. This is a very high class hotel. I'll have you understand. I'm not a jerk. You're not even a vibration. Pastello, will you please act like a gentleman? Okay, kid. Clerk, we'd like a room. Very well. Do you want a room with a bath? What do you think I wanna do? Follow the arrow?
Listen, Clerk. We're going to make a very important picture, please.
[00:07:26] Unknown:
Costello, will you listen to me? Mr. Clark, we're going to make a very important picture. And we came down here to see Veronica Lake about being our leading lady. Oh, yes. She's stopping here. Every time I see Veronica Lake, I want to kiss her. My mind says no. My heart says yes. What do you hear from your liver?
[00:07:43] Unknown:
Well, mister Costello, if you'll just sign the register, I'll have the boy show you your suite. My what? Your suite. Your suite. You're chilled too. Oh, come on, clerk. Now what about the room? Alright, mister Costello. I have a lovely room for you on the Tenth Floor. Here's the key, ten o six. Now get going. Okay. And, clerk, I'd like to leave a call for 12:00. Sorry. We're all out of 12:00 call. Then call me twice at six. Now listen, Costello. Please. Take that key and get up to the Tenth Floor and into your room. Okay. See you later, Robert. Alright. Hello? Okay. Now listen, Clark. I wanna meet Veronica Lake right away because do you see every Tenth Floor? Tenth Floor? Wait a minute. There's only one floor in this hotel. You haven't got Tenth Floor. Oh, good heavens, man. You're right. This is serious. Oh, mister Costello, there's no Tenth Floor. Come right down.
Down. Oh, oh, Costello. Costello, speak to me, Costello. Are you all right? What can I do for you? Send the boy up from my bags. Here it is. Hey. Come on now, Abbot. Now let's get out of this place now. Now I've never been so humidity in all my life. Humidity? Yes. He humiditied me. Humidity? Humidity means damn. Then let's get out of this damn hotel. Damn. You can't check out. You just checked in. Oh, it's the gypsy and me. Oh, never mind. Shut up. You can't leave here. Now we've got to see Veronica Lake. Okay. But if I stay, I want a room right close to hers. Well, that's easily arranged. Miss Lake is in 104,
[00:09:27] Unknown:
and I'll put you in 105.
[00:09:29] Unknown:
Ain't you got nothing closer? Hannah, look. Never mind, please. Grab the bags, and let's get to our room. It's right over there. Now here's the key. Open the door.
[00:09:38] Unknown:
I got it. Look who's in our room. And I'm only three and a half years old.
[00:09:46] Unknown:
Matilda, how did you get to Palm Spring? You come down here on the Greyhound? No. The Greyhound was full.
[00:09:53] Unknown:
I came down on a Pekingese. Uncle Louie, I got a job here in mister King Charming's Lone Palm Hotel. What's the job, Matilda? I'm chambermaid. I put lace curtains around all the mouse holes in the wall. Lace curtains around all the mice holes? Why do you do that? That it's a a higher class knife.
[00:10:15] Unknown:
Oh, come on. Now get out of here. Now listen, Castillo. I hey. Abbott. That's Matilda knocking on the door again. Just to bother me. I'm gonna put her over my knee and paddle her. Alright. You asked for it.
[00:10:29] Unknown:
I beg your pardon.
[00:10:31] Unknown:
I thought you was only three and a half years old. Costello, it's Veronica Lake.
[00:10:44] Unknown:
See here, Costello. I came here because the room clerk said you wanted to see me, and this happened. I've never been so humiliated in all my life. See, Abbot, she said the same word. That humiliate humiliate
[00:10:55] Unknown:
she teaches a damn hotel too.
[00:10:58] Unknown:
Dampness has nothing to do with it. I said humiliate. Conjugated from the Latin. Humilius, humiliia, humiliium. I humiliate. She humiliates. They humiliate.
[00:11:08] Unknown:
Now do you understand? Yes, ma'am. Everybody in the joint is damp. Will you stop that and pay attention to miss Lake?
[00:11:18] Unknown:
Yes, Costello. I'll have you know that I studied Latin at my mater's knee. Your whose knee? Mater. Mater means mother. Pater means father.
[00:11:31] Unknown:
Where are your maters, tater? They went to the theater with my braider and sater. I mean, after all, I mean look, Veronica. Never mind that. Did I make up on my own? Keep quiet, Lou. Please pay no attention to it, Veronica. The fact is we came down here to see you about being the leading lady in our next picture. Well, I think that's impossible because I'm down here Slake's line, please. Thank you, Veronica.
[00:11:56] Unknown:
I'm down here making a picture of my own. My director is waiting for me now out in the desert. I'd like to go with you. How do you get out there? On a jackass. Did you ever ride a jackass? No. Then you'd better get on to yourself.
[00:12:11] Unknown:
That's sort of a very, very snappy remark, ain't it? That's a funny joke. I think I'll try it on Abbott. I have it. Now what do you want? Did you ever ride a jackass? No. Then hop on my back. Back. Oh, pardon me. You know, Costello, you really did give me a good ride. That's right, pal. I did tonight. Mhmm. Come on. What are you trying to tie me up to the hedge and post for? Hey, Clyde, you guys. We're shooting a picture. Get that camera over here. Alright, you extras. Line up on the right. Hey, Joe. Bring that dummy over here. Okay. Put me down. Put me down.
Hey, Costello. Look at those beautiful extra girls over there. Now as long as we're here, what do you say we date? I have a couple for the night. Oh, no. Not after last night, my friend. What do you mean? We had a couple of girls last night. Well, sir. Alright. You had the best luck of one. So why? Yours had teeth. Now wait a minute, please. Never mind that. Yours had teeth too. I'll say she did. Yeah. I had so much bridge work every time I kissed her, I had to pay toll. Alright. Never mind that. I think after all, there's a come on. And another thing happened. What? We're down here for business. I know that. We've gotta get Veronica Lincoln our picture. Alright. There's a dressing room over there. I'll knock on the door.
Oh, it's you boys again. I told you at the hotel that I wouldn't appear in your picture. But, Veronica, you're making a great mistake. We've had a lot of experience in the theater. I was in Tobacco Road.
[00:13:41] Unknown:
What did you do? Empty the ashtrays?
[00:13:44] Unknown:
Boy, she sure told you Abbott. Just a minute, Costello. Where did you ever act? Where did I ever act? I played in the way of all flesh. What part did you play? I was one of the meatballs. I didn't recognize you in that. You didn't recognize me, Well, I was wearing a spaghetti toupee.
[00:14:02] Unknown:
Well, well, that's the first time you ever used your knead noodle.
[00:14:08] Unknown:
Well, I guess it's no use, Costello. Veronica will only make a picture with Glamour Boys. I'm a Glamour Boy. Just the other night, Hedy Lamont told me I was her idea of a lover, then her husband walked in. Then what happened? Her idea was carried out.
[00:14:22] Unknown:
I'll tell you what I'll do, fellas. We're just about to shoot a scene for my picture.
[00:14:27] Unknown:
That scene is shot. Now what about the next one?
[00:14:31] Unknown:
Veronica,
[00:14:32] Unknown:
we're already on the set. Oh, here comes my director. Oh, Cliff, I want you to meet mister Costello. Mister Nazzaro, mister Costello. Mister Abbott, mister Nazzaro. Mister Costello, mister Abbott, mister Abbott. Get Ryan to call her. Let's get some more chairs. Will you?
[00:14:45] Unknown:
He's it. Quiet.
[00:14:46] Unknown:
Cliff, can you use these two boys in our picture? Yes. I think so. I, I need a lover and a stuntman. I'm a lover. I'm stunted.
[00:14:55] Unknown:
Now wait a minute, Abbott. You're no lover. Now what do you mean? When I come on the screen, women sit up and notice me. Oh, yeah? The women who notice you are too old to sit up.
[00:15:05] Unknown:
Cliff, we're wasting time. Why don't you explain the scene to the boys? Alright. Now, boys, this is a very simple scene. The camera catches Veronica and Abbott in an embrace. Costello, you come into the room, and I want you to walk over to race, lift up the castor, and pull in your sailor race, and pull them out the capitol all to suffer metal metal metal.
[00:15:27] Unknown:
How can Abbott do that to me?
[00:15:32] Unknown:
You don't stand for it. You grab Veronica in your arms and you say, Veronica, I'm alone, sister. And every time that I put you a secret little credit rating, I want you to cater free so not to vote a vice for the times that I sampled it in many parts of the regular type of title.
[00:15:49] Unknown:
Did you get it? Yeah. I mean, you you you didn't say it. Why don't you pay attention? He's directing you, Lou. Costello,
[00:15:58] Unknown:
I want you to know that you can't insult my director. Absolutely not. After all, I just told you I want you to go over to Veronica. Pick up the Santa Grace, not the little cats and hope it's a matter of all. I want you to walk towards her. Put your arms for the middle Santa Face, pull and tell the table, and treat this sort of thing. And I know what I'm saying.
[00:16:20] Unknown:
You and nobody else.
[00:16:24] Unknown:
There you go again insulting him. I can't understand you. You can't understand me.
[00:16:31] Unknown:
Listen to here. What's the matter with you, Costello? Can't you take direction?
[00:16:36] Unknown:
Mister Nazaro is a famous director. Yes. You mean you mean to tell me you never saw Gorman with the Samadrens? Or for whom the Bells told the Samadrens?
[00:16:48] Unknown:
I never saw them, but I saw Gwalica out the dick.
[00:16:59] Unknown:
You mean Guadalcanal did? Did it? I saw it twice. Can you stop that, please? Let's get back to the scene, sir. Listen. Costello was just about to make love to me. Alright, Veronica. Now, Costello, listen once more. You fall in love with Veronica and propose to her. I want you to give me that depth of assort of grace when it pays for me. And I want you to go over to her and bring out the cash and bring out the sound of force of the times when you love not Tyreke battles other actors of race. I want you to sound of former celebrities.
[00:17:27] Unknown:
Don't you agree with me? Yeah. But what about the children? Listen. He didn't mention any children, but he could have.
[00:17:38] Unknown:
Now listen, Veronica. I've got a reputation, and I don't have to stand for this because if I have to stand, listen, these fellows come tell me that I've directed formaries. I've made tantrums, ball prints. He must sell the trees, compost, and every day to talk to the picture. And I'm already ready to sell it, and I'll do it too.
[00:17:54] Unknown:
And he means every word of it.
[00:17:57] Unknown:
Look, folks. I I realized I lost my head, and there's just thing I'd like there's just one more thing I'd like to say before I go. Yeah.
[00:18:09] Unknown:
I'm glad he said that because he's a nice fellow.
[00:18:13] Unknown:
Yes. He certainly is, Costello. Just think after the way you treated him. He was big enough to walk back and say, Stanislausen, I was dancing.
[00:18:24] Unknown:
And that means a lot too. Yes, Lou. What have you got to say? I mean, after all, what can I say after the fellow was big enough to come back and say,
[00:18:38] Unknown:
Lou, if you hadn't been so friendly when he came in to thraline in clivisade, he wouldn't have been so palustide?
[00:18:45] Unknown:
Palustide? That's the one thing I can do to him, palustide. I mean, what does he want from me? What does he want from you?
[00:18:54] Unknown:
Why at this very moment, he might be outside guilt pending?
[00:18:58] Unknown:
No. Not guilt pending. Who Abbott? Abbott, come on. We haven't got a minute to lose. Where are we going? We're going outside and you'll send Willow. Get out of here.
[00:19:21] Unknown:
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[00:19:44] Unknown:
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