In this lively episode, Ryan shares his passion for fun and introduces listeners to Chumba Casino, a platform offering a plethora of social casino-style games. With new games released weekly and daily bonuses up for grabs, Ryan invites everyone to join in the excitement and test their luck. He humorously discusses different reactions to winning, from fist-pumping to high-fiving, and encourages listeners to explore the fun at Chumba Casino.
The episode takes a comedic turn with a classic Abbott and Costello-style sketch, featuring a series of humorous exchanges and misunderstandings. The dialogue is filled with puns and witty banter, as characters navigate through absurd situations involving law enforcement, family troubles, and romantic entanglements. The show wraps up with a fictional detective story, "The Case of the Boy Named Tony," showcasing more of the duo's comedic flair and penchant for slapstick humor.
(00:00) Introduction and Casino Fun
(01:14) Costello's Misadventures
(05:03) Norman and Family Antics
(09:12) Marilyn Williams and Romantic Rivalries
(15:26) Sam Shovel: The Detective Case
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chamba Casino. They have hundreds of social casino casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at Chumbacasino.com. It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chumba Casino. At chumbacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever @chumbacasino.com.
[00:01:14] Unknown:
Alright. Alright, Gastel. Gastel, here I am. What are you so excited about? What am I excited about? Yeah. Two motorcycle cars just shake chasing me a truck in Boulevard. Boulevard. Boulevard. What for? What for? Yeah. Just because I had the green light with me for six blocks. Well, wait a minute. I'll allow Clark if you had the green light with you. Why were the cops chasing you? I had it in the backseat of my car. You and your whole family are always in trouble with the law. I guess you're right, Abbot. No. I get you right. Yes, baby. During the last four of my brother Pat got arrested because he forgot to register for the draft. He he forgot to register? Yeah. He was too busy milking his cows.
Milking his cow? Mhmm. He should have been at the front. What for the milk was at the other end? You're a you're a hopeless idiot, Costello. Please don't say that, Abbot. This isn't my fault. I had a very sad home life. You did? I did. I was born on a street car, and I never saw my mother. When why not? She forgot to get a transfer. I'm convinced that you're a schizo. A what so? A schizo. Skis. Skis. Haven't you ever experienced a schizo phrenia? Yes. The first time I put on a pair of skis, I fell on my phrenia. Don't bore me out, Abbott. I don't feel so good. I went to the doctor, and he told me I was as sound as a dollar. Well, if you're you're as sound as a dollar, then then why are you feeling so bad? Do you know the shape the dollar is in these days?
Costello, how does it feel to be a moron? It feels pretty good once you're used to it. Oh. Oh. Alright. Alright. Stop hoeing, George. Know what? Hey. What is it? That's not stop hoeing. Where'd you get that bad guy? Oh, I met Marilyn Williams at the country club, and she asked me if I'd like to play around with her. Yes? How did I know she was talking about golf? You look terrible, Costello. I do? Yes. Well, I had a bad day, Abbott. When I left Maryland, I ran into a tough guy with a gun. He said give me your money or I'll blow your brains out. What did you do? I told him to blow my brains out. Why? This town, you can get along without brains, but you gotta have money. Well, never mind that. There was a phone call for you. Some some girl from the Burbank Theater. Must be Rene Lipoo.
Rene Lipoo the bubble dancer. What a girl. She makes a thousand dollars a week. Oh, that's ridiculous. How can a bubble dancer make a thousand dollars a week? Big girl. Small bubble. Alright. Does, Marilyn Williams know that you are running around with this bubble dancer? Oh oh, sure. I told her. She took her like a trooper. Like a trooper? A stormtrooper. Well, now don't be too hasty in giving up Marilyn for Lena Lapu, especially. Oh, really? Renee Lapu. Renee is it? She's a fresco. Old French girl. Are you sure that, miss Lapu loves you? Oh. Oh. I have a few do anything for me. She loves me so much that she goes out with other fellas so I can get the proper rest. Well, hey. She a nice girl.
Do you think you'll marry her? Nope. We got different ideas about marriage. She wants to have five boys, enough for a basketball team. Well, what's wrong with that? I'm a football fan myself. Why don't you get so stupid? Tell me, is there is there a school for morons? Sure. There's a school for morons. You mean you didn't know it? No. I didn't. And all the time, we thought you were playing hooky. I I'm telling you you'll be the death of me yet. What was that? I said you'll be the death of me yet. Promises. Promises. All I get is promises. Hey, you guys. You see a crazy man around here? What does he look like? He's a skinny guy, three feet two inches tall, and weighs five hundred and twenty pounds. Just a minute. Just a minute. How can he be skinny and weigh five hundred and twenty pounds? I told him he was crazy.
You know, the door shuts before he went out? Whoever won the sound guy got the script upside down. Well, he's crazy. Hey. Every week, more crazy people come into this show. Last week, Abba's wife walked in here with a rubber plate. I'll wait. What's the matter with my wife walking in here with a rubber plate? Growing out of her head. I This is Costello. Hey. This is Costello. Alright, Norman. Alright. What's the trouble? You know that box of matches you gave me yesterday for my mother? Yes. Well, she can't light them. Well, here. Give me the box. I'll show you how to light them. Look. I just striped them on the seat of my desk. I know, but she can't wait for you to come over to the house every morning when she wants to light the stove. Norman, I got something for you, and I want you to keep it under your hat. What is it? A new hit.
Yes. Hello. Why don't you stop picking on Norman? Oh, why don't you get out of here and get himself a job? Norman, when I was your age, I was working on a store for $3 a week, and in five years, I owned the place. Yeah. But you can't do that nowadays, uncle Louie. And why not? Now they've got cash registers. That was Abbott's nephew, folks. And at the end of the season, we're gonna send him to the Harvard Medical School in a bottle. Well, now, like I tell, Norman is a brilliant student of history. Right now, he's studying about the Egyptian Pyramids. What's that? Well, they're great big things made out of concrete that took thousands of men to build them, hundreds of years to finish them. And by the time they were finished, they cost millions and millions of dollars. In Egypt, they call them pyramids.
We got the same thing right here in California. We call it the Hollywood Freeway. Talking about pyramids, she goes cars on top of one of the earth. Yeah. Yes. I saw her. You'll think donut. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I gotta go now. I gotta go now. I got myself a new job. I'm with Dilts But Tellney's All Girl Orchestra. Well, that's fine. How do you get along with all the girls? Wonderful. He's got 40 girls, and every night after rehearsal, I grab each one of them, and I kiss her goodnight. Wait a minute. You kiss 40 girls? Are aren't you overdoing it, Lou? Yeah. But if you saw these girls, you'd be overdoing it too. What's your job with the orchestra, Lou?
Well, I'll tell you, I'm in charge of the girls' cello section. I'm the headbender. Headbender? Yeah. Every night when they get to play and I hope get their legs back in shape. Well, isn't that dangerous work, Lou? Well, I'm used to dangerous work, Abbot. In the summertime, I'm a high wire walking in the circus. Do you use a net? No. My hair is just naturally curly. Have you ever had any other jobs working around women? Oh, yeah. My spare time, I'm the intern at the movie studio. I I treat stars when they get hurt or something. Oh, are you kidding? What do you know about first dates? Suppose a big star like, Ritterhead was fazed on the set. Now how would you go about reviving her? Well, I put my arms around her, and I hold her close, and then I smother her with kisses. Well, what what good does that do her? I don't know about her, but it sure was the wonders for me.
[00:08:58] Unknown:
Hello, boy.
[00:09:00] Unknown:
Well, look, Astellas, our singing star, Marilyn Williams. Marilyn, I want you to know that we're very happy that you came over here from England to sing for our show.
[00:09:17] Unknown:
I think you're wonderful, Marilyn. No. I thank you, mister Abbott. In England, I was considered just another canary. What? A canary.
[00:09:24] Unknown:
How do you like that? Over here, we got nothing but those little yellow ones.
[00:09:31] Unknown:
My, what is that I smell?
[00:09:35] Unknown:
It's a new perfume I'm wearing. It's called Roy Rogers number five. Do you like it?
[00:09:43] Unknown:
Why, yes. Trigger comes through just as clear as a bell.
[00:09:52] Unknown:
Marilyn, why don't you marry me? I'll take you away from all this. Oh, but I'm very happy, Lou. I have mink coats, diamond rings, automobiles, and thousands of dollars. Okay. Then I'll take all this away from you. Don't pay any attention to it, Marilyn.
[00:10:09] Unknown:
Why don't you let me take you, out over the weekend? Oh, I'm sorry. I have a date with a very sporty friend of mine. And if I go with him, he'll take me to the El Rancho Vegas and let me play roulette.
[00:10:19] Unknown:
So whatever. He'll take you to the La Brea Top Bitch and let you pitch pennies. I wouldn't I wouldn't blame Marilyn if she left this program and went back to England. You haven't done a thing for her since since she's been with us, Lou. Oh, no? No. How about that lovely big prison I sent you? You mean that manhole cover? That was no ordinary manhole cover. That one came from Beverly Hills. Marilyn, why don't you pick it about Costello? I'm the man. You and I would get along together like ham and egg. That's habit, folks. Always putting them some first. Well, but I like both you and Lou, but I wish you'd both stop fighting over me. Marilyn's right, Gasella. You fight over like a dog fighting over a bone. Brother, when there's that much meat on a bone, I'll fight over it every time.
[00:11:14] Unknown:
Oh, let's forget about me, boys.
[00:11:18] Unknown:
How are you making out on your new picture? Why don't you give me that picture, Marilyn? I play the part of a reckless gambler. I'm a big plunger. You're a what? A big plunger. Oh, that's fine. If our sink ever gets topped up,
[00:11:30] Unknown:
I'll give you a call.
[00:11:36] Unknown:
I just got myself a full job washing the windows of the chorus girls' dressing room at Earl Carr's Theater. Some job. Washing windows of the chorus girls' dressing room. What can you see in that? Plenty. After I get them clean. My uncle Mike got me the job. He's a pretty big man in this town. Your uncle Mike is a nobody. That's so. Well, last night, my uncle Mike was invited to a big Hollywood sneak preview. But your uncle Mike is not in pictures. Why was he invited to a big sneak preview? He's one of the biggest sneaks in town. And he's also just like you, always broke. He's not. My uncle Mike has a great reputation. He can walk into any bank in Hollywood. All he has to say is four words and they give more the money he wants. What are the four words?
This is a stick up. No. I don't see how your Aunt May puts up with Mike. Well, they get along pretty good. I can't see it. Uncle Mike is the boss in this house. Aunt May runs the kitchen and she tells the cook what to do. She tells the maid what to do and she tells the gardener what to do. What about Mike? He can say anything he wants to the cat. Well, hell, at least you've got some home life. Costello, why don't you find a nice woman that that's the home type? I got one. Last night, I said to her, let's go out for dinner. She said, no, Louis. I'll cook dinner for you. Then I said, how's about going to an I Club? And she said, no, Louis. We'll stay home and listen to the radio and save money. Oh, wait a minute. She sounds wonderful. But where did you meet her? My father introduced me to her. What what did he say? He says, Louis, this is your mother. I Did tell me, why don't you find a nice girl and and ask her to marry you? I did have it. I asked that little blonde school teacher next door to marry me. Then what does she say? She said ask my father. Well, did you ask your father? He didn't appeal to me.
Miss Costello, I got an order here. This time he'd beat the Gorion. Well, is that a note for Costello? Well, I'll take it, Lou. Who's the problem, Lou? It's a fan note from one of my listeners. It says, Dear Mr. Costello, your portrayal of sand shoveled private detective on the radio is my favorite program. It's so funny that last week while listening to you, I simply died laughing. I'm coming to the studio tonight. I hope he gets in this time. He made it. Mr. Costello, there's someone here to see you. Who is it? A corpse with a smile on his face. Half of the Sam Chivalry depicts Pawscare and half the people in the country to death. What what about the other half? The Thomas Committee will take care of them.
Well, never mind that. What is your, Sam Schevel story for tonight? One of my most famous cases. I call it the case of the boy named Tony whose mother kept him locked in a closet or Tony's home permanent. Sounds interesting. Well, let's get on with the case. Yes. I'm Sam Shuffle, private detective. I'm sitting in my little office with my legs crossed the hard way. The hard way. Behind my back. I'm sitting here typing a report on a famous criminal, Pulling the criminal out of the typewriter, I turn to my desk and pick up a piece of paper. It's note paper.
I decide to clean up my desk and throw all the old bills into the wastebasket. That was my light bill. That was the water bill. That was just plain bill. I glanced down at the desk, there lies a bull run of one of my early cases, case of the murders with a long golden hair. I made a lot of money out of that case. She was a beauty. I was dying to meet her. I spoke to her in Kansas City, but she gave me the brush. I tried to talk to her in Cleveland, but she gave me the brush. In Washington, she gave me the brush. In Buffalo, she gave me the brush. I never got acquainted with her, but I made a fortune selling her brushes. It's about time for my pal, Lieutenant Amador of the homicide squad to show up. Every day he drops into my office to chew the fat.
I wish Abbott would stop chewing the fat. My arm is full of teeth marks. Door closed. Hello, Sam. Same trouble. That's Luke Kannananda. He's a brilliant man. He hasn't spoken for three pages. Now he comes down with a line bristling with humor saying, Hello, Sam Schovel. Sam, why do you stay cooped up here all day? Why don't you hire a typist to do your office work? I had a typist, Tennant, but I had to let her go. She could only type with one finger. Why? She had only one finger. She came from a very poor family. She had nine thumbs. Typist with nine thumb? Every time she hits that space bar, the typewriter jumped off the desk.
Any new cases today, Sam? Yes. A guy came in here this morning and told me he shot both of his ants. He put six bullets in one of them and four bullets in the other, and he wanted my advice. Well, what what'd you tell them to do? I said go home and get the lead out of your ants. Ma'am, I've got a case for you. The chief wants you to share a striptease Susie, the burlesque queen, and see if you can get something on her. What? Close. Do you know, striptease, any or Susie or who is Susie? Do you know Striptease, Susie? No matter who it is, I'll get it.
I saw her on a stage one. She came out to do her fan dance. A mouse ran out in front of her and Susie dropped her fan. What happened? The mouse painted. Well, forget about that case, Sam. How would you like to help me collect some evidence against waterfront ill? I think her cafe on the riverbank is a hangout for the smugglers, but I need more information. I'll help you, lieutenant Abbott. I'll go down there with you. Hand me my fishing pole and that can of beef. What do you want with the beef? I'm gonna worm the information out of her. Sam, you're a tough detective. Waterfront little used to be your girl, and here here you are ready to double cross her. Yes, lieutenant Abbott. I'm a detective through and through.
Why, I double cross my brother. Hello, Sam. Get out of here before I double cross you. Who was that? My brother. Now come on, Sam. We're going to Waterfront Lill's Cafe. There we were in the toughest part of town to hang out for tramps, hot toasts and vagrants. Suddenly, the exciting order of taboo perfume fills the water from air. I wonder where it's coming from. It's me. I'm coming with taboo perfume. Who are you? Oh, just a fragrant vagrant. No matter what we give Abbott's nephew, he gets nothing. Go on, Sam. Check every week. That's all he gets. Hey, Sam. There's waterfront little cafe over there. I don't like the looks of that place, lieutenant.
Why not? Sailor just come out of the door, and he's walking down the street holding his girl's arm. Oh, lots of sailors walk down the street holding their girl's arm. Well, the girl is still in the cafe. We walked for the cafe. Lieutenant Abbott was looking left and right. He has shifty eyes. He shifted them in a second. Together, we enter the saloon through the doors. They were swinging doors. They were really swinging tonight. The place was full of tough mud. The guy eight feet tall walked for us. He was a longshoreman. He was a longshoreman.
I just got it myself. Once in a while, Abbott. He was the longest German I ever saw. He took a punch at Lieutenant Abbott's chin. Abbott has a glass jaw. I wasn't going to stand there and let that man do that to my friend, Lieutenant Abbott. This man was eight feet tall, so I hit him on the left, I hit him on the right, I hit him on another left, another right, I knocked him down. Then I took his trusses away and broke his pencil. I looked up, Waterfront little was standing beside me. It was more beautiful than ever. She spoke.
[00:22:01] Unknown:
Hello, Sam.
[00:22:03] Unknown:
Hello, miss Waterfront.
[00:22:06] Unknown:
Call me little, you gorgeous hunk of man.
[00:22:10] Unknown:
Okay, Lyle, you gorgeous hunk of man. Never mind the romance in Sam. You've got to find out if she's a smuggler. Okay. Be acceptable. Don't let her know you're after information. Alright. Okay. Lail, are you a smuggler?
[00:22:33] Unknown:
Ma'am, I'll tell you. You promise not to turn me over to the police. I promise you won't turn me over. Why should I turn you over? You can't look any better on the other side. Oh, Sam. You're so sweet. Come here. I'm gonna give you a kiss that will take the curl out of your hair. My luck.
[00:23:00] Unknown:
Sam. Sam. Speak to me. Lieutenant Abbott, call up my mother and tell her I'm no longer a Tony twin. Well, ill, we got you at last. I'm taking you in. Oh, no. You're not. You'll never take me alive. Quick Sam. Put the handcuffs on her. You got me. I'm shot. Oh, I'm sorry, Sam. Quick, lieutenant. Call an ambulance. We'll take Sam to the hospital. No. No. Not the ambulance. Sam, don't don't you don't you wanna go to the hospital? Yes. But I ain't riding in no ambulance to that Los Angeles traffic. A man can get killed that way. I'll walk far quick. Get him out of here.
[00:23:42] Unknown:
Should we make plans for our anniversary?
[00:23:44] Unknown:
Let's just pick something up from BJ's Wholesale Club. From BJ's? How romantic. Well, I was thinking Vault sized mozzarella sticks? No. A vacation package to The Caribbean. Woah. Can we afford that? BJ's Travel offers even better value than those discount travel websites. Plus a 10 best price guarantee. So, yeah, we can. Visit travel.bj's.com
[00:24:07] Unknown:
to book cruises, vacation packages, car rentals, hotels, and more. Terms and conditions apply. See Cypher details.
Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chamba Casino. They have hundreds of social casino casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at Chumbacasino.com. It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chumba Casino. At chumbacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever @chumbacasino.com.
[00:01:14] Unknown:
Alright. Alright, Gastel. Gastel, here I am. What are you so excited about? What am I excited about? Yeah. Two motorcycle cars just shake chasing me a truck in Boulevard. Boulevard. Boulevard. What for? What for? Yeah. Just because I had the green light with me for six blocks. Well, wait a minute. I'll allow Clark if you had the green light with you. Why were the cops chasing you? I had it in the backseat of my car. You and your whole family are always in trouble with the law. I guess you're right, Abbot. No. I get you right. Yes, baby. During the last four of my brother Pat got arrested because he forgot to register for the draft. He he forgot to register? Yeah. He was too busy milking his cows.
Milking his cow? Mhmm. He should have been at the front. What for the milk was at the other end? You're a you're a hopeless idiot, Costello. Please don't say that, Abbot. This isn't my fault. I had a very sad home life. You did? I did. I was born on a street car, and I never saw my mother. When why not? She forgot to get a transfer. I'm convinced that you're a schizo. A what so? A schizo. Skis. Skis. Haven't you ever experienced a schizo phrenia? Yes. The first time I put on a pair of skis, I fell on my phrenia. Don't bore me out, Abbott. I don't feel so good. I went to the doctor, and he told me I was as sound as a dollar. Well, if you're you're as sound as a dollar, then then why are you feeling so bad? Do you know the shape the dollar is in these days?
Costello, how does it feel to be a moron? It feels pretty good once you're used to it. Oh. Oh. Alright. Alright. Stop hoeing, George. Know what? Hey. What is it? That's not stop hoeing. Where'd you get that bad guy? Oh, I met Marilyn Williams at the country club, and she asked me if I'd like to play around with her. Yes? How did I know she was talking about golf? You look terrible, Costello. I do? Yes. Well, I had a bad day, Abbott. When I left Maryland, I ran into a tough guy with a gun. He said give me your money or I'll blow your brains out. What did you do? I told him to blow my brains out. Why? This town, you can get along without brains, but you gotta have money. Well, never mind that. There was a phone call for you. Some some girl from the Burbank Theater. Must be Rene Lipoo.
Rene Lipoo the bubble dancer. What a girl. She makes a thousand dollars a week. Oh, that's ridiculous. How can a bubble dancer make a thousand dollars a week? Big girl. Small bubble. Alright. Does, Marilyn Williams know that you are running around with this bubble dancer? Oh oh, sure. I told her. She took her like a trooper. Like a trooper? A stormtrooper. Well, now don't be too hasty in giving up Marilyn for Lena Lapu, especially. Oh, really? Renee Lapu. Renee is it? She's a fresco. Old French girl. Are you sure that, miss Lapu loves you? Oh. Oh. I have a few do anything for me. She loves me so much that she goes out with other fellas so I can get the proper rest. Well, hey. She a nice girl.
Do you think you'll marry her? Nope. We got different ideas about marriage. She wants to have five boys, enough for a basketball team. Well, what's wrong with that? I'm a football fan myself. Why don't you get so stupid? Tell me, is there is there a school for morons? Sure. There's a school for morons. You mean you didn't know it? No. I didn't. And all the time, we thought you were playing hooky. I I'm telling you you'll be the death of me yet. What was that? I said you'll be the death of me yet. Promises. Promises. All I get is promises. Hey, you guys. You see a crazy man around here? What does he look like? He's a skinny guy, three feet two inches tall, and weighs five hundred and twenty pounds. Just a minute. Just a minute. How can he be skinny and weigh five hundred and twenty pounds? I told him he was crazy.
You know, the door shuts before he went out? Whoever won the sound guy got the script upside down. Well, he's crazy. Hey. Every week, more crazy people come into this show. Last week, Abba's wife walked in here with a rubber plate. I'll wait. What's the matter with my wife walking in here with a rubber plate? Growing out of her head. I This is Costello. Hey. This is Costello. Alright, Norman. Alright. What's the trouble? You know that box of matches you gave me yesterday for my mother? Yes. Well, she can't light them. Well, here. Give me the box. I'll show you how to light them. Look. I just striped them on the seat of my desk. I know, but she can't wait for you to come over to the house every morning when she wants to light the stove. Norman, I got something for you, and I want you to keep it under your hat. What is it? A new hit.
Yes. Hello. Why don't you stop picking on Norman? Oh, why don't you get out of here and get himself a job? Norman, when I was your age, I was working on a store for $3 a week, and in five years, I owned the place. Yeah. But you can't do that nowadays, uncle Louie. And why not? Now they've got cash registers. That was Abbott's nephew, folks. And at the end of the season, we're gonna send him to the Harvard Medical School in a bottle. Well, now, like I tell, Norman is a brilliant student of history. Right now, he's studying about the Egyptian Pyramids. What's that? Well, they're great big things made out of concrete that took thousands of men to build them, hundreds of years to finish them. And by the time they were finished, they cost millions and millions of dollars. In Egypt, they call them pyramids.
We got the same thing right here in California. We call it the Hollywood Freeway. Talking about pyramids, she goes cars on top of one of the earth. Yeah. Yes. I saw her. You'll think donut. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I gotta go now. I gotta go now. I got myself a new job. I'm with Dilts But Tellney's All Girl Orchestra. Well, that's fine. How do you get along with all the girls? Wonderful. He's got 40 girls, and every night after rehearsal, I grab each one of them, and I kiss her goodnight. Wait a minute. You kiss 40 girls? Are aren't you overdoing it, Lou? Yeah. But if you saw these girls, you'd be overdoing it too. What's your job with the orchestra, Lou?
Well, I'll tell you, I'm in charge of the girls' cello section. I'm the headbender. Headbender? Yeah. Every night when they get to play and I hope get their legs back in shape. Well, isn't that dangerous work, Lou? Well, I'm used to dangerous work, Abbot. In the summertime, I'm a high wire walking in the circus. Do you use a net? No. My hair is just naturally curly. Have you ever had any other jobs working around women? Oh, yeah. My spare time, I'm the intern at the movie studio. I I treat stars when they get hurt or something. Oh, are you kidding? What do you know about first dates? Suppose a big star like, Ritterhead was fazed on the set. Now how would you go about reviving her? Well, I put my arms around her, and I hold her close, and then I smother her with kisses. Well, what what good does that do her? I don't know about her, but it sure was the wonders for me.
[00:08:58] Unknown:
Hello, boy.
[00:09:00] Unknown:
Well, look, Astellas, our singing star, Marilyn Williams. Marilyn, I want you to know that we're very happy that you came over here from England to sing for our show.
[00:09:17] Unknown:
I think you're wonderful, Marilyn. No. I thank you, mister Abbott. In England, I was considered just another canary. What? A canary.
[00:09:24] Unknown:
How do you like that? Over here, we got nothing but those little yellow ones.
[00:09:31] Unknown:
My, what is that I smell?
[00:09:35] Unknown:
It's a new perfume I'm wearing. It's called Roy Rogers number five. Do you like it?
[00:09:43] Unknown:
Why, yes. Trigger comes through just as clear as a bell.
[00:09:52] Unknown:
Marilyn, why don't you marry me? I'll take you away from all this. Oh, but I'm very happy, Lou. I have mink coats, diamond rings, automobiles, and thousands of dollars. Okay. Then I'll take all this away from you. Don't pay any attention to it, Marilyn.
[00:10:09] Unknown:
Why don't you let me take you, out over the weekend? Oh, I'm sorry. I have a date with a very sporty friend of mine. And if I go with him, he'll take me to the El Rancho Vegas and let me play roulette.
[00:10:19] Unknown:
So whatever. He'll take you to the La Brea Top Bitch and let you pitch pennies. I wouldn't I wouldn't blame Marilyn if she left this program and went back to England. You haven't done a thing for her since since she's been with us, Lou. Oh, no? No. How about that lovely big prison I sent you? You mean that manhole cover? That was no ordinary manhole cover. That one came from Beverly Hills. Marilyn, why don't you pick it about Costello? I'm the man. You and I would get along together like ham and egg. That's habit, folks. Always putting them some first. Well, but I like both you and Lou, but I wish you'd both stop fighting over me. Marilyn's right, Gasella. You fight over like a dog fighting over a bone. Brother, when there's that much meat on a bone, I'll fight over it every time.
[00:11:14] Unknown:
Oh, let's forget about me, boys.
[00:11:18] Unknown:
How are you making out on your new picture? Why don't you give me that picture, Marilyn? I play the part of a reckless gambler. I'm a big plunger. You're a what? A big plunger. Oh, that's fine. If our sink ever gets topped up,
[00:11:30] Unknown:
I'll give you a call.
[00:11:36] Unknown:
I just got myself a full job washing the windows of the chorus girls' dressing room at Earl Carr's Theater. Some job. Washing windows of the chorus girls' dressing room. What can you see in that? Plenty. After I get them clean. My uncle Mike got me the job. He's a pretty big man in this town. Your uncle Mike is a nobody. That's so. Well, last night, my uncle Mike was invited to a big Hollywood sneak preview. But your uncle Mike is not in pictures. Why was he invited to a big sneak preview? He's one of the biggest sneaks in town. And he's also just like you, always broke. He's not. My uncle Mike has a great reputation. He can walk into any bank in Hollywood. All he has to say is four words and they give more the money he wants. What are the four words?
This is a stick up. No. I don't see how your Aunt May puts up with Mike. Well, they get along pretty good. I can't see it. Uncle Mike is the boss in this house. Aunt May runs the kitchen and she tells the cook what to do. She tells the maid what to do and she tells the gardener what to do. What about Mike? He can say anything he wants to the cat. Well, hell, at least you've got some home life. Costello, why don't you find a nice woman that that's the home type? I got one. Last night, I said to her, let's go out for dinner. She said, no, Louis. I'll cook dinner for you. Then I said, how's about going to an I Club? And she said, no, Louis. We'll stay home and listen to the radio and save money. Oh, wait a minute. She sounds wonderful. But where did you meet her? My father introduced me to her. What what did he say? He says, Louis, this is your mother. I Did tell me, why don't you find a nice girl and and ask her to marry you? I did have it. I asked that little blonde school teacher next door to marry me. Then what does she say? She said ask my father. Well, did you ask your father? He didn't appeal to me.
Miss Costello, I got an order here. This time he'd beat the Gorion. Well, is that a note for Costello? Well, I'll take it, Lou. Who's the problem, Lou? It's a fan note from one of my listeners. It says, Dear Mr. Costello, your portrayal of sand shoveled private detective on the radio is my favorite program. It's so funny that last week while listening to you, I simply died laughing. I'm coming to the studio tonight. I hope he gets in this time. He made it. Mr. Costello, there's someone here to see you. Who is it? A corpse with a smile on his face. Half of the Sam Chivalry depicts Pawscare and half the people in the country to death. What what about the other half? The Thomas Committee will take care of them.
Well, never mind that. What is your, Sam Schevel story for tonight? One of my most famous cases. I call it the case of the boy named Tony whose mother kept him locked in a closet or Tony's home permanent. Sounds interesting. Well, let's get on with the case. Yes. I'm Sam Shuffle, private detective. I'm sitting in my little office with my legs crossed the hard way. The hard way. Behind my back. I'm sitting here typing a report on a famous criminal, Pulling the criminal out of the typewriter, I turn to my desk and pick up a piece of paper. It's note paper.
I decide to clean up my desk and throw all the old bills into the wastebasket. That was my light bill. That was the water bill. That was just plain bill. I glanced down at the desk, there lies a bull run of one of my early cases, case of the murders with a long golden hair. I made a lot of money out of that case. She was a beauty. I was dying to meet her. I spoke to her in Kansas City, but she gave me the brush. I tried to talk to her in Cleveland, but she gave me the brush. In Washington, she gave me the brush. In Buffalo, she gave me the brush. I never got acquainted with her, but I made a fortune selling her brushes. It's about time for my pal, Lieutenant Amador of the homicide squad to show up. Every day he drops into my office to chew the fat.
I wish Abbott would stop chewing the fat. My arm is full of teeth marks. Door closed. Hello, Sam. Same trouble. That's Luke Kannananda. He's a brilliant man. He hasn't spoken for three pages. Now he comes down with a line bristling with humor saying, Hello, Sam Schovel. Sam, why do you stay cooped up here all day? Why don't you hire a typist to do your office work? I had a typist, Tennant, but I had to let her go. She could only type with one finger. Why? She had only one finger. She came from a very poor family. She had nine thumbs. Typist with nine thumb? Every time she hits that space bar, the typewriter jumped off the desk.
Any new cases today, Sam? Yes. A guy came in here this morning and told me he shot both of his ants. He put six bullets in one of them and four bullets in the other, and he wanted my advice. Well, what what'd you tell them to do? I said go home and get the lead out of your ants. Ma'am, I've got a case for you. The chief wants you to share a striptease Susie, the burlesque queen, and see if you can get something on her. What? Close. Do you know, striptease, any or Susie or who is Susie? Do you know Striptease, Susie? No matter who it is, I'll get it.
I saw her on a stage one. She came out to do her fan dance. A mouse ran out in front of her and Susie dropped her fan. What happened? The mouse painted. Well, forget about that case, Sam. How would you like to help me collect some evidence against waterfront ill? I think her cafe on the riverbank is a hangout for the smugglers, but I need more information. I'll help you, lieutenant Abbott. I'll go down there with you. Hand me my fishing pole and that can of beef. What do you want with the beef? I'm gonna worm the information out of her. Sam, you're a tough detective. Waterfront little used to be your girl, and here here you are ready to double cross her. Yes, lieutenant Abbott. I'm a detective through and through.
Why, I double cross my brother. Hello, Sam. Get out of here before I double cross you. Who was that? My brother. Now come on, Sam. We're going to Waterfront Lill's Cafe. There we were in the toughest part of town to hang out for tramps, hot toasts and vagrants. Suddenly, the exciting order of taboo perfume fills the water from air. I wonder where it's coming from. It's me. I'm coming with taboo perfume. Who are you? Oh, just a fragrant vagrant. No matter what we give Abbott's nephew, he gets nothing. Go on, Sam. Check every week. That's all he gets. Hey, Sam. There's waterfront little cafe over there. I don't like the looks of that place, lieutenant.
Why not? Sailor just come out of the door, and he's walking down the street holding his girl's arm. Oh, lots of sailors walk down the street holding their girl's arm. Well, the girl is still in the cafe. We walked for the cafe. Lieutenant Abbott was looking left and right. He has shifty eyes. He shifted them in a second. Together, we enter the saloon through the doors. They were swinging doors. They were really swinging tonight. The place was full of tough mud. The guy eight feet tall walked for us. He was a longshoreman. He was a longshoreman.
I just got it myself. Once in a while, Abbott. He was the longest German I ever saw. He took a punch at Lieutenant Abbott's chin. Abbott has a glass jaw. I wasn't going to stand there and let that man do that to my friend, Lieutenant Abbott. This man was eight feet tall, so I hit him on the left, I hit him on the right, I hit him on another left, another right, I knocked him down. Then I took his trusses away and broke his pencil. I looked up, Waterfront little was standing beside me. It was more beautiful than ever. She spoke.
[00:22:01] Unknown:
Hello, Sam.
[00:22:03] Unknown:
Hello, miss Waterfront.
[00:22:06] Unknown:
Call me little, you gorgeous hunk of man.
[00:22:10] Unknown:
Okay, Lyle, you gorgeous hunk of man. Never mind the romance in Sam. You've got to find out if she's a smuggler. Okay. Be acceptable. Don't let her know you're after information. Alright. Okay. Lail, are you a smuggler?
[00:22:33] Unknown:
Ma'am, I'll tell you. You promise not to turn me over to the police. I promise you won't turn me over. Why should I turn you over? You can't look any better on the other side. Oh, Sam. You're so sweet. Come here. I'm gonna give you a kiss that will take the curl out of your hair. My luck.
[00:23:00] Unknown:
Sam. Sam. Speak to me. Lieutenant Abbott, call up my mother and tell her I'm no longer a Tony twin. Well, ill, we got you at last. I'm taking you in. Oh, no. You're not. You'll never take me alive. Quick Sam. Put the handcuffs on her. You got me. I'm shot. Oh, I'm sorry, Sam. Quick, lieutenant. Call an ambulance. We'll take Sam to the hospital. No. No. Not the ambulance. Sam, don't don't you don't you wanna go to the hospital? Yes. But I ain't riding in no ambulance to that Los Angeles traffic. A man can get killed that way. I'll walk far quick. Get him out of here.
[00:23:42] Unknown:
Should we make plans for our anniversary?
[00:23:44] Unknown:
Let's just pick something up from BJ's Wholesale Club. From BJ's? How romantic. Well, I was thinking Vault sized mozzarella sticks? No. A vacation package to The Caribbean. Woah. Can we afford that? BJ's Travel offers even better value than those discount travel websites. Plus a 10 best price guarantee. So, yeah, we can. Visit travel.bj's.com
[00:24:07] Unknown:
to book cruises, vacation packages, car rentals, hotels, and more. Terms and conditions apply. See Cypher details.
