Abbott and Costello Show

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In this lively episode, we dive into the comedic world of Abbott and Costello, where humor and wit take center stage. The duo brings their signature style to a series of hilarious sketches, including a playful exchange about dating, marriage, and the challenges of finding love in Hollywood. Costello's misadventures and Abbott's quick retorts keep the audience laughing as they navigate through a series of comedic scenarios.

The episode also features a humorous detective story, "The Case of the Boy Named Tony," showcasing Costello's alter ego, Sam Shovel, Private Detective. With a mix of slapstick comedy and clever dialogue, Abbott and Costello deliver a performance that is both nostalgic and entertaining. The show is a delightful reminder of the timeless appeal of classic radio comedy.

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[00:00:00] Unknown:

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[00:01:06] Unknown:

Hey, Abbott. What time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show.  

[00:01:28] Unknown:

Yes. It's the Abbott and Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood for you listening in laughing pleasure. Chuckles with a carload and music by Maddie Malnik. So hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.  

[00:01:55] Unknown:

Well, it's about time you got here. Where were you? Well, I went to the YWCA girls place to play softball. And one girl was running the third base. She slipped a fella and landed in my lap. And boy, was I mad. Why? The umpire made me put her back in the game.  

[00:02:08] Unknown:

Was was she a pretty girl? Oh, pretty.  

[00:02:11] Unknown:

Yeah. But she was gorgeous. I made a date with her after the game of butter. Did she send me? She did. Yeah. But when I got back, she wasn't there.  

[00:02:25] Unknown:

Costello, why do you keep annoying every girl that you meet?   Who do you think you are? Casanova?  

[00:02:30] Unknown:

Who do I think I who? Who do you think you are? Casanova?   Casanova?   I may not be Casanova, but people say that I'm as good looking as Van Johnson. Who says that? How do I know? Do you think I go around eavesdropping?  

[00:02:44] Unknown:

Well, if she's such a pretty girl, why didn't you propose to her and marry her? I can't marry her. I don't know anything about her. What difference does that make? In Africa, a man doesn't even know his wife until after he marries her. What do you mean in Africa?  

[00:02:59] Unknown:

You dope. You don't even know what marriage is. Yes. I do. Marriage is a friendship that got out of control.  

[00:03:16] Unknown:

Castelli, you shouldn't have any trouble getting married.   Hello? You shouldn't have any trouble getting married. Do you know that out here in Hollywood, there are two girls for every man?  

[00:03:26] Unknown:

Two girls for every man? Are you sure? Certainly. Then some dirty sneakers got four.  

[00:03:36] Unknown:

That's silly. It's no use. You'll never get a girl until you settle down and become a man of regular habits. I am a man of regular habits. Then how come you were out until 04:00 this morning with that redhead that lives next door? That's one of my regular habits. I  

[00:03:52] Unknown:

Bastell, I can't understand how girls grow out with you in the first place. Habit is my terrific magnetism. You've got magnetism? Yes. Last week, I picked up two blondes, a redhead, a brunette, and a rusty nail. Right.   How did you how did you be like me, Costello?   I've got a way with women. You haven't got away with many lately. I   no. Is that so? I happen to be the reason that women leave home. Yes. The day you were born, your mother took a look at you and she hasn't been back since.  

[00:04:27] Unknown:

Oh, yes. The boys are on the beam tonight, and they'll be back on it in just about one minute. But first, let's hear  

[00:04:38] Unknown:

this.  

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Costello, will you stop that walking up and down? What's the matter with you? What are you worried about?  

[00:05:52] Unknown:

Last night, my uncle Mike was robbed while he was asleep. Now wait a minute. How could your uncle Mike be robbed? He's got all his money sewn up in his long underwear. Oh, yes. Well, it was a hot night, and he left the back door of the bank open.  

[00:06:07] Unknown:

Don't tell him, lady. Alright.   That's no reason why you should worry. No? No. But when I get on the next page, I'll find out why not. I'll find out.  

[00:06:18] Unknown:

Oh, no. Well, I got plenty of reasons. Saturday Saturday night, they arrested my uncle, Jim Kelly. He broke into a grocery store and he stole $390   Why did he do it? The poor guy was hungry Well, if he was hungry, why didn't he steal all why didn't he steal all the money, Lou? Why didn't he steal some groceries or something? He's a proud man, Abbott He likes to pay for everything he gets   And besides, he needs some money to buy a new car. Oh, wait a minute. He'd be better off without a car. Costello, it's it's very dangerous driving in California. You're telling me? In Los Angeles, you have to drive for five people. The one in front of you, the one in back of you, and the ones on each side of you. Oh, wait a minute. That's only four cars. Where's the fifth? She'll pull out in front of you any minute. Well, I've been I gotta leave now. I got a new job with my brother, Pat, in the trucking business.  

[00:07:12] Unknown:

Has   he has he got his own truck? Yeah. You should see it, Abbot. It's one inch wide and a block long. A truck an inch wide and a block long? Mhmm. What is he delivering it? Spaghetti.   Next week, he's gonna buy a round truck. A round truck? What for? Meatballs. B. O. S. Mhmm.  

[00:07:32] Unknown:

Is your brother Pat making any money in the trucking business, Lou? Oh, yeah. She did so good last week that he bought his wife one of those new electric blankets.   Saved her a lot of time around the house. Now wait a minute. How can an electric blanket help her with the, work around the house? Well, she takes the eggs and the bacon to bed with her. And when she gets up in the morning, breakfast is ready.   That electric blanket is making her very popular too. What do you mean? Last night, she turned it on too high and now Yes? She's the toast of the town. That's right.  

[00:08:02] Unknown:

Oh, mister Costello. Mister Costello, I've gotta talk to you. I've got a great idea. Wait a minute, mister. What's the idea of breaking a deal like this? Oh, I've got an idea that will make you two of the most popular comedy team in radio. What is it? I'll stamp your name underneath every cow in the country. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. How will that make us popular? Well, at least you'll have all the farmers pulling for you.  

[00:08:27] Unknown:

Hello, boy. Well well, it's Susan Miller. Susan, I'm certainly glad you showed up tonight because   I'm gonna sing a duel with you. Cristello.  

[00:08:35] Unknown:

You mean a duet? A duel is where somebody gets hurt.  

[00:08:40] Unknown:

You never sang with me, did you?  

[00:08:46] Unknown:

Now when did you become a singer, Costello?  

[00:08:49] Unknown:

Well, I don't like to brag, but would you believe that I taught Bing Crosby how to sing? No. I wouldn't. You're right. But once in a while, I catch a sucker.   Cassello, you don't know the first thing about music. Well, I'll have you know when I studied music. Nah. I went to a singer school. I used to study until I was blue in the face, and then the teacher presented me with a medal. For being the best singer in the class? No. For having the bluest face.  

[00:09:15] Unknown:

Well, I've got to go now, boys. I'm going swimming down at the beach. I bought one of those new French bathing suits. It comes equipped with a shoehorn and a hacksaw. Why did they give you a shoehorn and a hacksaw with a bathing suit? Well, the shoehorn gets me into the bathing suit. And after I wear it, I'll need the hacksaw to get me out of jail.  

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So I'll set the  

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You know, there goes a nice kiddabut. The only thing is she's money mad. Money mad? Yeah. She's mad because I ain't got no money.  

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So what? Remember, Costello,  

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money isn't everything. You know, you can't take it with you. It's nice to have it here so you can say goodbye to it.  

[00:09:57] Unknown:

You know, my family has always had money. In fact, my uncle Rudolph was one of the first gold miners in California.  

[00:10:03] Unknown:

One day when he was in the mine digging for gold, he was killed by a falling spade. A falling spade killed my uncle Tom. Was he a gold miner? No. He was killed by the ace of spades that fell out of his sleeve in a poker game.  

[00:10:16] Unknown:

Well, Castelli, you won't have to worry about money as long as I got it. We're pals. Share and share alike.  

[00:10:23] Unknown:

Well,  

[00:10:24] Unknown:

I feel the same way about you, Abbott. That's swell. You you mean you'd share everything you have with me? If you had two cars, you'd give me one? Sure.   If you had two houses, you'd give one of them to me? I certainly would. And if you had, two department stores, you'd you'd give me one? Yes, sir. We're pals.  

[00:10:42] Unknown:

Share and share alike. Swell.  

[00:10:45] Unknown:

If you had $2, would you give me one? No. Why?   Because I've got $2.   Well, that's the way you feel, I thought I was your pal. Are you trying to tell me that money means more to you than I do?  

[00:11:06] Unknown:

I didn't say that, Abbot. Well, does it?  

[00:11:11] Unknown:

Yes.   That settles it, Costello.   I'm going on my vacation to New Jersey, and I'm not taking you with me.  

[00:11:21] Unknown:

Who wants to go to New Jersey now? When we were there last summer, the mosquitoes were so big they were carrying baseball bats.   I woke up in the middle of the night and two of them were sitting on my stomach holding a conversation.   Oh, I don't be silly. Whom mosquitoes can't talk? Don't tell me these two were certainly chewing the fat. I  

[00:11:43] Unknown:

You idiot. The only mosquitoes that bite are, female mosquitoes.  

[00:11:47] Unknown:

Well, the one that knit me when I was bending over to tie my shoe was no lady.   The night your uncle Roy got drunk, the mosquitoes were biting him all night and it kept me awake. Well, if they were biting him, why did it keep you awake? Well, they'd bite him and then come over and sit on my bed and hiccup. Right?  

[00:12:11] Unknown:

Well, cast on second thought. I don't think I'll go to New Jersey tonight. I I need a complete rest where nobody would bother me, where the name, but Abbott, means nothing.  

[00:12:21] Unknown:

Oh, you're staying in town,   Never mind that. Where are you going? Well, I think I go to Honolulu. Last time I was there, I met a beautiful made up girl.   She was gorgeous and what a figure. All day, she'd walk around carrying a big basket on her head. Then at night, she'd sneak off and she'd meet me. Oh, brother. She taught me plenty. She did? Yes.   You should see me carry a basket on my head.   Never mind that. Have you been getting plenty of rest? No. And I've been having a lot of trouble going to sleep. Last night, I didn't fall asleep till 11:00. What time did you go to bed? Five minutes to eleven. I  

[00:13:03] Unknown:

Catella, you need  

[00:13:06] Unknown:

a  

[00:13:09] Unknown:

Catella, you need a vacation. You've got to stop running around girls. It's affecting your brain.  

[00:13:14] Unknown:

I think you're right, Adam. I know it. Last night, I had a date to pick up a girl at Hollywood And Vine. I drove down to Hollywood And Vine. Then I went to dinner and all during dinner, I felt as if I'd forgotten something. Then to a movie and all through the movie, I felt as though I'd forgotten something. Then I drove to Griffith Park and I started to neck, and I still felt as if I'd forgotten something. Then I went home and I remembered what I forgot. What was it? I forgot to pick up the girl.   And each week at this time, the Abbott and Costello Show presents our featured singer. And here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Hal Winters with Maddie Malnik and his orchestra.  



[00:13:59] Unknown:

Brush those tears   from your eyes   and try to realize   that the ache  

[00:15:33] Unknown:

Well, Costello,   we're going to do a murder mystery. We'll need a leading lady. Now, how about that blonde actress you're so crazy about? I ain't going with her anymore, Abbot. We had an argument about mustaches. She likes him and I don't. You mean she wanted you to grow a mustache? No. I wanted her to shave shave hers off.  

[00:15:56] Unknown:

I thought she was rather pretty. She has such pearly white teeth. Yes. And when we broke up, I asked her for a picture of her face so I could remember her lovely teeth. Well, did did she, give you the picture? She didn't have a picture, so she gave me the teeth. Well,   we've got to have a leading lady. Now, wait a minute. How about that little brunette actress? No. I'm mad at her too. We had a date at Hollywood And Vine last week, and she stood me up. Did you tell her off? I'll say I did. I said, how dare you stand me up at Hollywood And Vine? And she said I was she was sorry and now we have an understanding. You have? Mhmm. Now she's gonna stand me up at Sunset And Vine.   Cecil, I think this idea for doing detective stories is is going to be a flop. You know nothing about detectives. My whole family were detectives, Abbot. My uncle Tom was smart as a whip, but they threw him off the forest. Why? They found out there weren't very many smart whips.  



[00:16:47] Unknown:

I don't believe that. Why why did Tom really get thrown off the force? Well, if you must know, he was taking bribes.   He used to put the money in his shoes and the chief found it out. If he put the money in his shoes, how did the chief find out? He got eighteen inches taller the first week.  

[00:17:06] Unknown:

Who else in your family were detectives? Well, my twin uncles, Gus and Billy. They joined the force on the same day. Billy's,   Billy's first assignment was to find a court's secretary who had stolen a million dollars from her boss. What was Gus's first assignment? Defined Billy.  

[00:17:20] Unknown:

Were any of the other Costello's detectives?  

[00:17:23] Unknown:

Yes. Two of my cousins, Bert and Harry, they were working on a case at the racetrack. They had to find a gang that was doping horses. A difficult case? Oh, very difficult. Difficult, that is? Yeah. Very difficult couple. Bert and Harry disguise themselves as a horse and slept in the stables. One night a guy came along and jabbed them full of dope. What did they do? What could they do? They came in third and paid $2.80.   Never mind that. What is your, same shovel story for tonight? It's one of my most famous cases. I call it the case of the boy named Tony whose mother kept him locked in a closet or Tony's home permanent.  

[00:18:03] Unknown:

Sounds interesting. Well, let's get on with the case.  

[00:18:10] Unknown:

And now   we present the adventures   of Sam Shovel,   master detective,   brought to you by Army Surplus Sale.   And here is today's radio special,   something no housewife   should be without. Yes.   Today, you can buy four dicks.   So   rush over to army surplus sales and buy four dicks.   Bring it home and surprise the little woman.   And remember,   when you buy, insist on the genuine   Fort Dix.   Do not accept March Field.   And now for the adventure   of Sand Shovel,   private detective.  

[00:19:08] Unknown:

Yes.   I'm Sam Shubble,   private detective.   I'm sitting in my little office down by the waterfront all by myself,   playing gin rummy the hard way.   The hard way.   Without cards.   I've been playing for two hours and I owe myself $900   and I'm worried.   I know I'm not good for it.   Being a private detective isn't a bad record. I remember the first day I opened this detective office, I threw a party.   What a party.   I bought a carton of beer, and as I was carrying it up the stairs, I tripped. All the bottles were broken. Beer was leaking all over me. Everybody cheered and congratulated me. I had broken my first case.   As I'm sitting here now,   I feel something creeping up behind me.  

It's lieutenant Abbott of the homicides for Europe.   The man who single handed caught baby face Nelson,   baby face Cooper, and baby face Brown,   which wasn't too difficult considering they were all babies.   Detective   Abbott   speaks.  

[00:20:39] Unknown:

Hello, Sam Shevel.   My, it's dark in here. Why don't you pull up the shades?  

[00:20:44] Unknown:

Okay.   I will.  

[00:20:49] Unknown:

Sam,   it's still dark in here.  

[00:20:52] Unknown:

I know. I don't have any windows.  

[00:21:02] Unknown:

Oh. Just look at your office.   An old herring barrel for a chair, a soapbox for a desk,   a rug made out of old newspapers.  

[00:21:11] Unknown:

Yes. You may not believe this.   Lieutenant,   five years ago, I started out with nothing.  

[00:21:23] Unknown:

Look.   I scared you.  

[00:21:28] Unknown:

Look. You got another fire. Got another one? Look out. Look out.   Hey, look.  

[00:21:37] Unknown:

Somebody made a bullet hole in the ceiling.   Just missed killing me. How could a bullet shot at the ceiling hurt you?  

[00:21:45] Unknown:

If I happen to be sitting on a chandelier, I would have been killed.  

[00:21:52] Unknown:

Joe,   what made you go into this dangerous business?  

[00:21:56] Unknown:

The prizes.  

[00:21:58] Unknown:

There's prizes in the detective business?  

[00:22:00] Unknown:

Sure.   If I'm lucky, I may get to be Ellery Queen for a day.   They're awake.  

[00:22:18] Unknown:

What was that? Oh, just the backfire of an automobile?   What was that?  

[00:22:27] Unknown:

That must be one of the tires yelling for help.  

[00:22:31] Unknown:

That sound came from the building next door. Who occupies it? The Universal International Overseas Interstate Trucking Company.  

[00:22:39] Unknown:

Where do they ship to? Glendale.   We better go next door and investigate. It may be the killer. Where do I get my weapons? My gun, my blackjack, and today's newspaper. Today's today's newspaper is a weapon. If I mess with a gun and a blackjack, I'll show him the headlines in the paper and he'll worry himself to death.   Let's go. Help.   Help. Hey. Look. Look. There's a man on the floor. He's in trouble.   What happened, mister? Oh,  

[00:23:14] Unknown:

I've been stabbed.   They put a bullet in my shoulder, a dagger in my back, and all my ribs are broken.   Does it hurt? Only when I  

[00:23:31] Unknown:

hurt, mister?  

[00:23:32] Unknown:

Only when I laugh. I  

[00:23:38] Unknown:

Come in. Tell us who stabbed you.  

[00:23:41] Unknown:

It was.   It was  

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This this man is dead.   We've got to find out who the killer is.  

[00:23:59] Unknown:

I know. I'll ask Herman, the stool pigeon. He'll sell us the information. What makes you so sure he will? For money, Herman would sell his own grandmother. How do you know? I bought her three times already.   Well,   I left Lieutenant Abbott and went looking for Herman the stool pigeon.   Then I made a trip to the Los Angeles Waterfront, the toughest part of town.   What a tough neighborhood.   The only place in Los Angeles where the pedestrians knocked the cars down.   I was scared.   Plenty scared.   My throat was so dry I could feel the seeds in my Adam's apple.   I drew my trusty revolver.  

I didn't know whether to put it in my holster or in my pocket.   Then I decided to check if the gun was loaded.   I held it against my head and pulled the trigger.   Putting the gun in the hole in my head, I started for the docks.   Suddenly   suddenly I heard a voice.   What are you obsessed like that for? Sam. What? It's me, detective Abbott. It's dark. I can't see you. I'm here on the wall. On the what? Walk. Walk. Walk. I can't hear a word   you're saying. There's a dog barking someplace. I looked up. Waterfront little was standing beside me.   She was more beautiful than ever.  

She spoke.  

[00:25:56] Unknown:

Hello, Sam.  

[00:25:58] Unknown:

Hello, miss waterfront.  

[00:26:01] Unknown:

Call me little, you gorgeous hunk of man.  

[00:26:04] Unknown:

Okay,  

[00:26:07] Unknown:

Lil. You gorgeous hunk of man. Never mind the romance in Sam.  

[00:26:11] Unknown:

You've got to find out if she's a smuggler.   Okay.   Be be subtle. Don't let her know you're after information.   Okay. Take it easy. Alright. Okay.  

[00:26:22] Unknown:

Lail, are you a smuggler?  

[00:26:27] Unknown:

Ma'am,   I'll tell you if you promise not to turn me over to the police, I promise you won't turn me over. Why should I turn you over? You can't look any better on the other side.  

[00:26:41] Unknown:

Well, ill, we got you at last. I'm taking you in. Oh, no. You're not. You'll never take me alive. Quick Sam. Put the handcuffs on her.  

[00:26:50] Unknown:

She got me.   I'm shot. Oh, I'm sorry. Sam. Quick, lieutenant. Call an ambulance. We'll take Sam to the hospital. No. No. Not the ambulance. Sam, don't don't you don't you wanna go to the hospital? Yes. But I ain't riding in no ambulance through that Los Angeles traffic. A man can get killed that way. I'll walk off and break him out of his.  

[00:27:17] Unknown:

Keep the house lights down, boys. We'll have a curtain call by Abbott and Costello after a final reminder on this subject.  

[00:28:31] Unknown:

Well, Costello, you certainly gave a brilliant performance at Sam Shovel tonight.   Thank you, bud Abbott. You're full of pep. Yes, sir. You you certainly were effervescent tonight.   Did you ever see me when I ever fussant?  

[00:28:49] Unknown:

Ever fussant.   Now I know what happened to Baron Munchausen's writers. We've got them.  

[00:28:57] Unknown:

Right upstairs is headed by Eddie Foehn with Paul Conlan, Pat Castella. And our producer is Charles Vanda. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody.  

[00:29:13] Unknown:

Listen each Thursday night at this time for another great Abbott and Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood.   Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station.