In this lively episode, Ryan shares his enthusiasm for fun and introduces listeners to Chamba Casino, a platform offering a wide variety of social casino-style games. With new games released weekly and daily bonuses up for grabs, Ryan invites everyone to join in the excitement. He also highlights a special feature, "The Godfather" slot game, where players can immerse themselves in a world of power, loyalty, and luck.
The episode takes a humorous turn with a comedic skit featuring characters like Costello and Abbott, who engage in a series of absurd and entertaining dialogues. The skit includes a wild west theme with Costello as a bumbling sheriff, complete with cowboy antics, a horse with three legs, and a series of comedic misunderstandings. The episode wraps up with a chaotic yet amusing encounter with cattle rustlers, showcasing the classic humor and wit of the characters.
(00:00) Introduction and Fun at Chamba Casino
(01:22) The Sheriff and the Cowboy Outfit
(03:53) Adventures of a Sheriff: Wheaties and Bananas
(07:22) Sheriff Costello's Misadventures
(11:07) The Case of the Cattle Rustlers
(15:55) Showdown at the Niles Ranch
(19:15) Cactus Pete and the Saloon Standoff
(20:46) Final Words and Comedy Wrap-Up
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chamba Casino. They have hundreds of social casino casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
No purchase
[00:00:32] Unknown:
necessary. Dwww.void, where prohibited by law. See terms and conditions 18 plus. Step into the world of power, loyalty,
[00:00:34] Unknown:
and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis, and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Business. Introducing The Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champa casino dot com. Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW group. We were prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. I'm a
[00:01:07] Unknown:
baaap boy.
[00:01:23] Unknown:
Pastello. What is this all about? Get away from me. Hey, Lou. Oh, no. Don't listen. What's the idea? Come here. Take it easy. Take put that gun down. Okay. What's the idea of coming in here with a 10 gallon hat a cowboy outfit on? Have you heard of it? No. I just made sure it's more Hollywood. And look at that big gun I got to go with the outfit. No kidding. Step aside, Evan, and I'll show you how it shoots.
[00:01:52] Unknown:
What kind of a gun is that? That's a horse pisser.
[00:01:56] Unknown:
I raised it from a coop.
[00:01:58] Unknown:
Oh, come on. This is the most absurd thing I've ever heard of. You a sheriff.
[00:02:03] Unknown:
Yeah. Me a sheriff, Eric. I'm gonna incarcerate every desperado. I'm gonna apprehend every brand. And when I get them into the boss deal, I'm gonna give him 20 strokes with the boss tomato.
[00:02:15] Unknown:
What did you say?
[00:02:17] Unknown:
Did I say something dirty?
[00:02:19] Unknown:
No. No. Pastel, why do you always try to use
[00:02:37] Unknown:
And then he went out the warpath. How many Indians? There was 1,000 bloodthirsty Indians. How many Indians? I was chasing 100 streaking, howling mangers. How many Indians? So I walked up to the old swan, bought a blanket. I bought a blanket in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Oh, I I thought so, Kostela. What a sheriff. Why you haven't even got a horse? Oh, I got a horse, Abbot. He's my pal. I eat with my horse. I drink with my horse. I even sleep with my horse. Why do you sleep with your horse? I have to. It's his blanket. Horses love me, Evan. What do you mean? When I was a little boy, horses would come up and rub their necks against me. People used to say, look at the horse's neck, Costello.
All talk sense. Will you, please? Does that sound how I read it? Never mind. Let me, please. Yes. That's just the way it sounds. Hey, Eric. This is my horse standing outside over there. This in here, beauty. Beauty. Why that horse has only only three legs. He only has one leg in front. No. But it's in the middle, ain't it?
[00:03:41] Unknown:
Take that horse back to the man you want it from. Okay. But Crosby won't like it. Look. But, Catella, you don't know the first thing. You don't know the duties of a sheriff. Listen. I'm going to paint you a picture of just what a real sheriff has to go through. Okay. Now suppose you're sitting in the Red Dog Cafe eating breakfast. What am I eating? Oh, a bowl of oatmeal. What's the difference?
[00:04:00] Unknown:
Why not? I eat Wheaties. Look, Catella, please. Well, the sheriff, you're a man who is ready for anything. I'm ready for a bowl of Wheaties. Will you forget the Wheaties? But my mother always lets me have Wheaties. Well, forget your mother. First, I can't have Wheaties, you know. She wants me to picket my mother. Alright. Never mind that. My poor, old, white haired What? My poor white haired mother. Alright. Well, read it for me. I'm the only student, mom. Yeah. She gave me my name, Louis m Costello. What does the m stand for? Me. She wanted a fur coat that year. No. Well, will you cut it out, please?
[00:04:37] Unknown:
I'm trying to tell you your duties with the sheriff. Now listen to me. Will you please? Yeah. Alright.
[00:04:42] Unknown:
Put those guns down.
[00:04:49] Unknown:
Can you list me, please? I'm with your duty. There you are,
[00:04:54] Unknown:
sitting in the Red Dog Cafe eating your bowl of Wheaties. Can I have strawberries on my Wheaties? Alright. Alright. You can have strawberries. Thank you. Doesn't need the door open. Yeah. The door opens. A man rushes in, says, I've struck gold. Yeah. I've got a bonanza. Cancel strawberries. What for? I'll have sliced bonanza. Can you stop interrupting?
[00:05:13] Unknown:
Suddenly, another man dashes into the cafe and yells Lady, lady. Lady, lady. Lady, lady. Lady, lady. Lady, lady. Lady, lady. Lady, lady
[00:05:23] Unknown:
I'm fine. This is your duty. Now get with it. At my sliced bananas. Never mind that.
[00:05:29] Unknown:
You listen to me. Suddenly, another man dashes into the cafe and yells, come quick, Carol. The Indians have captured Harriet Huckleberry. Mhmm. You run to your horse and say, oh, pal. We've got to rescue Harriet. Yeah. She puts her wet nose in your hand and Oh, miss Huckleberry. And now down the horse. Now with a leap, you land securely in the saddle. Your face is stirring. Your grip is sure. Your clutch is firm. How's my transmission? Okay. And when you cut it out, quickly mount your horse and tear up the street. Tear up the street? What I got, a flower horse? No. Will you quit interrupting? You ride out across the ferry. Right. For hours and hours on end. That sounds logical. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:06:11] Unknown:
Hours and hours and hours and hours. Alright. Alright. Alright. You're right for days and days until the seat of your trousers is worn thin. Then there you are. I knew I'd come through.
[00:06:24] Unknown:
Finally, you discover you discover the Indians' camp. So what? The Indians discover you. So what? They start shooting arrows at you. Stella. Don't be a coward. Don't be a coward. The Indians will soon run out of ammunition. Their arrow. Their arrows are getting a little tensey.
[00:06:42] Unknown:
What was that? I got a little stiffy in my pimpy.
[00:06:46] Unknown:
After hours of fighting, you will lose the Indians and reach Harriet Huckleberry. You sneak up and loosen the ties that bind her. I quit. Yeah. You quit. Why? I don't know how to untie a girdle. No. No. No. No. No. You untie the ropes with a sigh of gratitude. She falls into your arms. She looks in your eyes and says, my hero, you have saved my life. Mhmm. From now on, I am your slave. Your very wish will be my command. Tell me tell me how can I save you? Mhmm. And what do you say? Bring me a bowl of Wheaties.
[00:07:12] Unknown:
Nuts.
[00:07:13] Unknown:
I said nuts. That's good.
[00:07:16] Unknown:
Wheaties with nuts.
[00:07:22] Unknown:
I tell you, you've been terrible in this town for two weeks, and you haven't done a thing to preserve law and order. I used to have, Evan. I just kept it as dangerous character. There he isn't that push sell. Let me out of here. I'll never do it again. I promise. I'll never do it again. I'll never do it again. Who is he? He's the fellow that wrote Chickamajig.
[00:07:47] Unknown:
You're still singing. God answer that phone. Yes. Yes, office. Just just just got some of the things. Somebody put water in my gun. Do you catch bad men? It's classic. Yes. I do. Well, catch one for me. I'm lonesome. Well, I've got everything I need to talk, Abbott. I think I'll sit back and smoke a camel's cigarette. Alright. Here's the match. I'll light up again. Abbott, I'm a sheriff. None of them sushi methods for me. I like my camel with my gut. Wait a minute, you don't. You'll keep your nose off. The cheese is you know how watch.
Well, I'm tired of smelling anyhow.
[00:08:27] Unknown:
Stop this, silly news, Costello.
[00:08:29] Unknown:
Why don't you clean up this office? How can you send all these flies in here? Well, I've got an agreement with the flies. They don't solve crimes, and I don't walk on a statement.
[00:08:40] Unknown:
Come in.
[00:08:42] Unknown:
Hello, boy. Oh, hello, miss Mucho. Hello, Bessie. What can I do for you? I just came over to congratulate
[00:08:49] Unknown:
you on being elected sheriff of North Of Holywood. My. You look so dorsey in that tingling heart and that shiny bodge. Did did you say bodge? Yeah. But she's talking about the star. I got pinned on my boot. My bajorid frogs will be long. I bet you'll copter all the gondolas and donger is bonded. Yes. I'm going after all the creep shooters and pick pukas
[00:09:18] Unknown:
and badminton players.
[00:09:21] Unknown:
I wish you'd keep an eye on my bungalow. There's a naughty mom. There's a naughty mom who's been peeking into my boudoir through the windowsillage.
[00:09:36] Unknown:
Oh, a poopy time.
[00:09:40] Unknown:
Yeah.
[00:09:43] Unknown:
Well, I'll take care of him. I'll take care of him, miss Cucho.
[00:09:48] Unknown:
I know you will. And, a broad brick moonlit mixed to you. And a big pile of brown bricks to you too.
[00:09:56] Unknown:
Hey. She's a swell girl, Constell. Did you ever have a date with her? Yeah. Just once had it, but she ain't any fun. What do you mean? Well, we drove all the way down to the beach at Santa Monica to watch the moonlight rippling on the ocean wave. I was awfully disappointed. Why? All she wanted to do was neck. Why do the writers make me read stuff like this?
[00:10:18] Unknown:
Sheriff Costello speaking. Sheriff, my wife is very beautiful. Five foot two. She has big blue eyes and a gorgeous figure. Yes? What does it worth for you to follow her day and night? Would you take $200 on my new car?
[00:10:30] Unknown:
How do you like that habit? You hung up on me.
[00:10:33] Unknown:
Good man, ladies.
[00:10:35] Unknown:
Well well, it's Scotty Brown. I've come here to ask the assistance of sheriff Costello to stop a vicious rumor. Hey. What's the trouble, Scotty? Well, yesterday morning, the word got around that my little son, Angus, had swallowed a 50¢ piece, and now 500 of my Scotch friends are all trying to adopt him. See what you can do about it, Laddie. I'm in a hurry to get home. What's your hurry? Well, I've got to get my wife's teeth home to work. Oh, you've been to the dentist? No, Laddie. I always take her teeth when I leave the house so she can't eat between meals. Well, good day, lady. Well, never mind him, Costello. Hey. Look. A big limousine, just pull up in front. It must be somebody important. Now fix yourself up here. Put on your 10 gallon half. Then, wait a minute. Where's your badge? I had it here a minute ago, Abbott. Let me see my badge. My badge. Where is it? Where do I do with my badge, Abby? Now I gotta sit down a minute and see where I put it.
I sound dead. I sound dead.
[00:11:27] Unknown:
Oh, please. Please let me die with my boots on. I must die with my boots on. I've gotta die with my boots on. Why? I got a big hole in my sock.
[00:11:39] Unknown:
Is that the important person that cut out of the limousine? No. No. It was a woman.
[00:11:44] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Now this must be her now. Come in.
[00:11:47] Unknown:
Oh, hello, missus Niles. Help. Someone must take me through a cruel vapors and death. My life is in peril. Danger lurks around every corner. Help me. Help me. Will somebody help me?
[00:12:02] Unknown:
Costello, something's wrong with missus Niles. I don't like the way she's acting. Neither do I. She's getting a lot of laughs. Alright. Calm
[00:12:09] Unknown:
yourself, missus Niles. What's the trouble? Kenneth and I have a little ranch out near Cucamonga, and the cattle rustlers have stolen most of my cows, And I expect them around any minute to pinch my cat. Sophie, silly. Who'd wanna pinch your skinny cat?
[00:12:23] Unknown:
Oh, you think you're so smart, Costello. Kenna thinks my legs are pretty. Well, many a fish has been caught on thin tin.
[00:12:33] Unknown:
Right. Cassello.
[00:12:35] Unknown:
Remember, you are the sheriff. Oh, I'll never get help, Cassello. What a sheriff. You don't even carry a gun. Oh, yes. I do, missus Miles. I got a big 25 right here in my back pocket. Here, I'll pull it out shortly. Oh, well, my shorts had a hole in them anyway.
[00:12:50] Unknown:
Costello, what are you going to do about those cattle rustlers? Yes, Costello. We've gotta get out to missus Niles' ranch right away. Come on. Let's get in on our horses and be on our way. Okay. Let's go.
[00:13:00] Unknown:
Woah. Woah. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Woah. I can't ride this horse. It's so skinny. The ribs are excuse me. The ribs are sticking in my leg. Oh, you fool. Get off my back.
[00:13:22] Unknown:
Alright. Never mind, Costello. We've got to find out where the Niles Ranch is. Let's stop in this old mining shack.
[00:13:31] Unknown:
Welcome to the home of termites, Jeremy.
[00:13:34] Unknown:
Why did they call you termite? I'm a little bug.
[00:13:38] Unknown:
Hey, sit down a minute. I'm busy counting my gourd. I got pockets and boxes of gold. You've got bottles of gold? Gold in bottles? Yeah. Oh, yes. You always find gold in quartz. Wait a minute, termite. I don't see any gold. Oh, I've got it in my pocket. I got pockets full of gold. You wanna hear it tinkle? Listen. I I didn't hear anything. I'll do it for you then. Hey. Did you hear it tinkle? No. I didn't. How quiet, gold this time. Quiet this whole thing is. Look. Come on. We're looking for missus Niles' cattle ranch. Oh, the Niles ranch. Wait, little fat boy. It's right over yonder where I'm pointing the finger. It's it's over that black tail. I don't see any black hill. Yeah. Did you see the tip of my finger? Black Hills right there. That isn't a Black Hill. You need a manicure. Oh, come on, Costello. We we gotta get to the Niles Ranch right away. Let's jump on our horses. Okay. Get it, horses. Come. Get it, horses. Get it. Come on. Get it. Town man, wake up.
[00:14:46] Unknown:
Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. We're
[00:14:50] Unknown:
supposed to be riding horses. Alright. So we can ride the old blocks in the engine. Well, here we are at the Niles Ranch. Look who's coming out the gate. Melonhead. Ask Sheriff Melonhead to you. Sheriff Castello, this is my county, and I've got a shiny badge to prove it. And you've got a shiny head to match it. It. Wait a minute. Are you trying to tell these people that I'm bald? I see more hair on Van Johnson's lapel. Listen to Castello. I'm the law around here. Because if you don't keep your nose out of my business, that'll be trouble. Wait a minute, little head. Just talking to six gun cut solo. Six gun cut solo? How come you're only wearing two guns? Six guns makes my pants fall down. Wait a minute, Millerhead.
Missus Niles asked us to come out here and and catch the cattle rustlers. Well, there's a thousand dollars reward for the captain of them cattle rustlers, and I'm aiming to get the reward. I'll tell you what I'll do, my little head. Yeah? See which one of us is the better man. Let's shoot it out. Okay. That shoots me.
[00:15:44] Unknown:
Costello, he shot off your right ear. He shot off your left ear. Costello, why don't you shoot back? I can't see. Why not? My ears were holding my head up.
[00:15:58] Unknown:
Alright, Costello. Now I'll give you a chance to shoot at me. Okay. Here I go. I caught that bullet between my teeth. I eat bullets for breakfast. I caught the second bullet between my teeth. I eat bullets for lunch. Will somebody bring me a bowl of two for Tuffaroo? Come on, Crustello. Let's go to the ranch house and see missus Nyle.
[00:16:31] Unknown:
Oh, thank you that you're here. I hope you catch those awful cattle russes. I know their leader. It's cactus pea. Cactus pea. Cactus pea? Well, I need that big, powerful brute of a man. He has the rippling muscles of steel. Why missus Niles? His his arms are so powerful, he could crush the breath out of a person. Oh, well, I get the head on. I'll go with you. No. No. No. You stay here, missus Niles. We'll bring back cactus feet, dead or alive. Let's jump on our horses. Okay.
[00:17:04] Unknown:
The sound man is on the wrong track again.
[00:17:14] Unknown:
Hey, Cassella.
[00:17:16] Unknown:
It's a tough looking cow town we're coming into. Hey, Abigail. Here's the yellow gloves for the saloon. Let's go in and see if anybody's seen Texas pizza.
[00:17:38] Unknown:
Come on, Castello. We have a duty to perform. Hey.
[00:17:58] Unknown:
Grab that man and fire that shot. Hurry up. I got him. I got him. Listen to you. What's the idea of shooting that singer? He was singing Ireland must be heaven. Because your mother came from there. What did he say, Castello? He said cement mixer. Put it put it. Put it. Put it. Put it. Put it. Put it. Put it. Put it, Castello. Here comes the hostess. Come on over here and kiss your poor old father.
[00:18:36] Unknown:
Hi. You like me, senor? No? Everybody tell me that I I have more cars than in Lincoln Highway.
[00:18:44] Unknown:
Yeah. And those detours ain't bad either. Castillo, I thought we came here to pinch the cattle rush. You pinch what you like, and I'll pinch what I like. Trust me, guys. Everybody, catch this Pete just rolled in the towel. Contest this Pete? Oh, he's my my boyfriend. If he finds me with you, he will kill me. I'm going to hide behind this door. Well, Abbott, the time has come. This is it. This is it. You wait here. Good for you, Criselda, for a minute. I thought you were a coward. Are you going after Cactus Street? Hey. No. I'm going behind a dog with Rosita. Stand where you are, everybody.
[00:19:17] Unknown:
I uncactus feet, the toughest ombre in this spot.
[00:19:23] Unknown:
Castelli hit the customer door from twenty five feet. You think that's good? Watch this.
[00:19:31] Unknown:
Make fun of me. Hey, Ombre? What's this?
[00:19:37] Unknown:
I knew he couldn't top that one of mine. Oh, I have no draw. Yeah.
[00:20:02] Unknown:
It is a pleasure to have such a beautiful gun pointed at my heart. All my life, I have wanted a pearl handle revolver. That is a beauty, senor. Do you mind if I look at it? No. Not at all. Here. Thank you. You little fat fool. I've got your gun. I'll stick them up.
[00:20:17] Unknown:
Give me your money, your watches, your rings.
[00:20:20] Unknown:
Thank you, Sergio. And I dares to you, you little stupid
[00:20:26] Unknown:
joke. Stella, Castella, why are you laughing? It stole our money. It stole our jewelry. It stole your gun.
[00:20:33] Unknown:
Yeah, Abbot. But the joke is on him. What do you mean? Weekly, he finds out that the gun ain't loaded.
[00:20:46] Unknown:
And now we're about to do with the final word. Well, Castelli, you acted pretty stupid with that cattle rustle with the knife. I thought you said you knew how to handle a gun. Oh, that was just for the program, Abbot. I'm really an expert with firearms. In fact, to prove it to you, if that gentleman sitting down there on the front row will step up on a stage, I'll shoot an apple off the top of his head. No. No. Anything but that. That's minor. He'll kill us all. Let's call.
[00:21:08] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, yo. Come here. Why do you always pick on me? Because you're always trying to show off. I'll bet you don't know the first thing about chasing cattle rustlers. I'll bet you're scared to death of a bull. Oh, no. I'm not. One time, I was standing face to face with a charging bull. There he was, breathing fire, snorting and pawing the ground. Everybody was scared to death. But with one little word, I stopped that ferocious bull in its tracks. You stopped that bull in its tracks with one word? Mhmm. What was it?
[00:21:37] Unknown:
Good night, folks. Good night, everybody in Canada.
Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chamba Casino. They have hundreds of social casino casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
No purchase
[00:00:32] Unknown:
necessary. Dwww.void, where prohibited by law. See terms and conditions 18 plus. Step into the world of power, loyalty,
[00:00:34] Unknown:
and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis, and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Business. Introducing The Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champa casino dot com. Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW group. We were prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. I'm a
[00:01:07] Unknown:
baaap boy.
[00:01:23] Unknown:
Pastello. What is this all about? Get away from me. Hey, Lou. Oh, no. Don't listen. What's the idea? Come here. Take it easy. Take put that gun down. Okay. What's the idea of coming in here with a 10 gallon hat a cowboy outfit on? Have you heard of it? No. I just made sure it's more Hollywood. And look at that big gun I got to go with the outfit. No kidding. Step aside, Evan, and I'll show you how it shoots.
[00:01:52] Unknown:
What kind of a gun is that? That's a horse pisser.
[00:01:56] Unknown:
I raised it from a coop.
[00:01:58] Unknown:
Oh, come on. This is the most absurd thing I've ever heard of. You a sheriff.
[00:02:03] Unknown:
Yeah. Me a sheriff, Eric. I'm gonna incarcerate every desperado. I'm gonna apprehend every brand. And when I get them into the boss deal, I'm gonna give him 20 strokes with the boss tomato.
[00:02:15] Unknown:
What did you say?
[00:02:17] Unknown:
Did I say something dirty?
[00:02:19] Unknown:
No. No. Pastel, why do you always try to use
[00:02:37] Unknown:
And then he went out the warpath. How many Indians? There was 1,000 bloodthirsty Indians. How many Indians? I was chasing 100 streaking, howling mangers. How many Indians? So I walked up to the old swan, bought a blanket. I bought a blanket in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Oh, I I thought so, Kostela. What a sheriff. Why you haven't even got a horse? Oh, I got a horse, Abbot. He's my pal. I eat with my horse. I drink with my horse. I even sleep with my horse. Why do you sleep with your horse? I have to. It's his blanket. Horses love me, Evan. What do you mean? When I was a little boy, horses would come up and rub their necks against me. People used to say, look at the horse's neck, Costello.
All talk sense. Will you, please? Does that sound how I read it? Never mind. Let me, please. Yes. That's just the way it sounds. Hey, Eric. This is my horse standing outside over there. This in here, beauty. Beauty. Why that horse has only only three legs. He only has one leg in front. No. But it's in the middle, ain't it?
[00:03:41] Unknown:
Take that horse back to the man you want it from. Okay. But Crosby won't like it. Look. But, Catella, you don't know the first thing. You don't know the duties of a sheriff. Listen. I'm going to paint you a picture of just what a real sheriff has to go through. Okay. Now suppose you're sitting in the Red Dog Cafe eating breakfast. What am I eating? Oh, a bowl of oatmeal. What's the difference?
[00:04:00] Unknown:
Why not? I eat Wheaties. Look, Catella, please. Well, the sheriff, you're a man who is ready for anything. I'm ready for a bowl of Wheaties. Will you forget the Wheaties? But my mother always lets me have Wheaties. Well, forget your mother. First, I can't have Wheaties, you know. She wants me to picket my mother. Alright. Never mind that. My poor, old, white haired What? My poor white haired mother. Alright. Well, read it for me. I'm the only student, mom. Yeah. She gave me my name, Louis m Costello. What does the m stand for? Me. She wanted a fur coat that year. No. Well, will you cut it out, please?
[00:04:37] Unknown:
I'm trying to tell you your duties with the sheriff. Now listen to me. Will you please? Yeah. Alright.
[00:04:42] Unknown:
Put those guns down.
[00:04:49] Unknown:
Can you list me, please? I'm with your duty. There you are,
[00:04:54] Unknown:
sitting in the Red Dog Cafe eating your bowl of Wheaties. Can I have strawberries on my Wheaties? Alright. Alright. You can have strawberries. Thank you. Doesn't need the door open. Yeah. The door opens. A man rushes in, says, I've struck gold. Yeah. I've got a bonanza. Cancel strawberries. What for? I'll have sliced bonanza. Can you stop interrupting?
[00:05:13] Unknown:
Suddenly, another man dashes into the cafe and yells Lady, lady. Lady, lady. Lady, lady. Lady, lady. Lady, lady. Lady, lady. Lady, lady
[00:05:23] Unknown:
I'm fine. This is your duty. Now get with it. At my sliced bananas. Never mind that.
[00:05:29] Unknown:
You listen to me. Suddenly, another man dashes into the cafe and yells, come quick, Carol. The Indians have captured Harriet Huckleberry. Mhmm. You run to your horse and say, oh, pal. We've got to rescue Harriet. Yeah. She puts her wet nose in your hand and Oh, miss Huckleberry. And now down the horse. Now with a leap, you land securely in the saddle. Your face is stirring. Your grip is sure. Your clutch is firm. How's my transmission? Okay. And when you cut it out, quickly mount your horse and tear up the street. Tear up the street? What I got, a flower horse? No. Will you quit interrupting? You ride out across the ferry. Right. For hours and hours on end. That sounds logical. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:06:11] Unknown:
Hours and hours and hours and hours. Alright. Alright. Alright. You're right for days and days until the seat of your trousers is worn thin. Then there you are. I knew I'd come through.
[00:06:24] Unknown:
Finally, you discover you discover the Indians' camp. So what? The Indians discover you. So what? They start shooting arrows at you. Stella. Don't be a coward. Don't be a coward. The Indians will soon run out of ammunition. Their arrow. Their arrows are getting a little tensey.
[00:06:42] Unknown:
What was that? I got a little stiffy in my pimpy.
[00:06:46] Unknown:
After hours of fighting, you will lose the Indians and reach Harriet Huckleberry. You sneak up and loosen the ties that bind her. I quit. Yeah. You quit. Why? I don't know how to untie a girdle. No. No. No. No. No. You untie the ropes with a sigh of gratitude. She falls into your arms. She looks in your eyes and says, my hero, you have saved my life. Mhmm. From now on, I am your slave. Your very wish will be my command. Tell me tell me how can I save you? Mhmm. And what do you say? Bring me a bowl of Wheaties.
[00:07:12] Unknown:
Nuts.
[00:07:13] Unknown:
I said nuts. That's good.
[00:07:16] Unknown:
Wheaties with nuts.
[00:07:22] Unknown:
I tell you, you've been terrible in this town for two weeks, and you haven't done a thing to preserve law and order. I used to have, Evan. I just kept it as dangerous character. There he isn't that push sell. Let me out of here. I'll never do it again. I promise. I'll never do it again. I'll never do it again. Who is he? He's the fellow that wrote Chickamajig.
[00:07:47] Unknown:
You're still singing. God answer that phone. Yes. Yes, office. Just just just got some of the things. Somebody put water in my gun. Do you catch bad men? It's classic. Yes. I do. Well, catch one for me. I'm lonesome. Well, I've got everything I need to talk, Abbott. I think I'll sit back and smoke a camel's cigarette. Alright. Here's the match. I'll light up again. Abbott, I'm a sheriff. None of them sushi methods for me. I like my camel with my gut. Wait a minute, you don't. You'll keep your nose off. The cheese is you know how watch.
Well, I'm tired of smelling anyhow.
[00:08:27] Unknown:
Stop this, silly news, Costello.
[00:08:29] Unknown:
Why don't you clean up this office? How can you send all these flies in here? Well, I've got an agreement with the flies. They don't solve crimes, and I don't walk on a statement.
[00:08:40] Unknown:
Come in.
[00:08:42] Unknown:
Hello, boy. Oh, hello, miss Mucho. Hello, Bessie. What can I do for you? I just came over to congratulate
[00:08:49] Unknown:
you on being elected sheriff of North Of Holywood. My. You look so dorsey in that tingling heart and that shiny bodge. Did did you say bodge? Yeah. But she's talking about the star. I got pinned on my boot. My bajorid frogs will be long. I bet you'll copter all the gondolas and donger is bonded. Yes. I'm going after all the creep shooters and pick pukas
[00:09:18] Unknown:
and badminton players.
[00:09:21] Unknown:
I wish you'd keep an eye on my bungalow. There's a naughty mom. There's a naughty mom who's been peeking into my boudoir through the windowsillage.
[00:09:36] Unknown:
Oh, a poopy time.
[00:09:40] Unknown:
Yeah.
[00:09:43] Unknown:
Well, I'll take care of him. I'll take care of him, miss Cucho.
[00:09:48] Unknown:
I know you will. And, a broad brick moonlit mixed to you. And a big pile of brown bricks to you too.
[00:09:56] Unknown:
Hey. She's a swell girl, Constell. Did you ever have a date with her? Yeah. Just once had it, but she ain't any fun. What do you mean? Well, we drove all the way down to the beach at Santa Monica to watch the moonlight rippling on the ocean wave. I was awfully disappointed. Why? All she wanted to do was neck. Why do the writers make me read stuff like this?
[00:10:18] Unknown:
Sheriff Costello speaking. Sheriff, my wife is very beautiful. Five foot two. She has big blue eyes and a gorgeous figure. Yes? What does it worth for you to follow her day and night? Would you take $200 on my new car?
[00:10:30] Unknown:
How do you like that habit? You hung up on me.
[00:10:33] Unknown:
Good man, ladies.
[00:10:35] Unknown:
Well well, it's Scotty Brown. I've come here to ask the assistance of sheriff Costello to stop a vicious rumor. Hey. What's the trouble, Scotty? Well, yesterday morning, the word got around that my little son, Angus, had swallowed a 50¢ piece, and now 500 of my Scotch friends are all trying to adopt him. See what you can do about it, Laddie. I'm in a hurry to get home. What's your hurry? Well, I've got to get my wife's teeth home to work. Oh, you've been to the dentist? No, Laddie. I always take her teeth when I leave the house so she can't eat between meals. Well, good day, lady. Well, never mind him, Costello. Hey. Look. A big limousine, just pull up in front. It must be somebody important. Now fix yourself up here. Put on your 10 gallon half. Then, wait a minute. Where's your badge? I had it here a minute ago, Abbott. Let me see my badge. My badge. Where is it? Where do I do with my badge, Abby? Now I gotta sit down a minute and see where I put it.
I sound dead. I sound dead.
[00:11:27] Unknown:
Oh, please. Please let me die with my boots on. I must die with my boots on. I've gotta die with my boots on. Why? I got a big hole in my sock.
[00:11:39] Unknown:
Is that the important person that cut out of the limousine? No. No. It was a woman.
[00:11:44] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Now this must be her now. Come in.
[00:11:47] Unknown:
Oh, hello, missus Niles. Help. Someone must take me through a cruel vapors and death. My life is in peril. Danger lurks around every corner. Help me. Help me. Will somebody help me?
[00:12:02] Unknown:
Costello, something's wrong with missus Niles. I don't like the way she's acting. Neither do I. She's getting a lot of laughs. Alright. Calm
[00:12:09] Unknown:
yourself, missus Niles. What's the trouble? Kenneth and I have a little ranch out near Cucamonga, and the cattle rustlers have stolen most of my cows, And I expect them around any minute to pinch my cat. Sophie, silly. Who'd wanna pinch your skinny cat?
[00:12:23] Unknown:
Oh, you think you're so smart, Costello. Kenna thinks my legs are pretty. Well, many a fish has been caught on thin tin.
[00:12:33] Unknown:
Right. Cassello.
[00:12:35] Unknown:
Remember, you are the sheriff. Oh, I'll never get help, Cassello. What a sheriff. You don't even carry a gun. Oh, yes. I do, missus Miles. I got a big 25 right here in my back pocket. Here, I'll pull it out shortly. Oh, well, my shorts had a hole in them anyway.
[00:12:50] Unknown:
Costello, what are you going to do about those cattle rustlers? Yes, Costello. We've gotta get out to missus Niles' ranch right away. Come on. Let's get in on our horses and be on our way. Okay. Let's go.
[00:13:00] Unknown:
Woah. Woah. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Woah. I can't ride this horse. It's so skinny. The ribs are excuse me. The ribs are sticking in my leg. Oh, you fool. Get off my back.
[00:13:22] Unknown:
Alright. Never mind, Costello. We've got to find out where the Niles Ranch is. Let's stop in this old mining shack.
[00:13:31] Unknown:
Welcome to the home of termites, Jeremy.
[00:13:34] Unknown:
Why did they call you termite? I'm a little bug.
[00:13:38] Unknown:
Hey, sit down a minute. I'm busy counting my gourd. I got pockets and boxes of gold. You've got bottles of gold? Gold in bottles? Yeah. Oh, yes. You always find gold in quartz. Wait a minute, termite. I don't see any gold. Oh, I've got it in my pocket. I got pockets full of gold. You wanna hear it tinkle? Listen. I I didn't hear anything. I'll do it for you then. Hey. Did you hear it tinkle? No. I didn't. How quiet, gold this time. Quiet this whole thing is. Look. Come on. We're looking for missus Niles' cattle ranch. Oh, the Niles ranch. Wait, little fat boy. It's right over yonder where I'm pointing the finger. It's it's over that black tail. I don't see any black hill. Yeah. Did you see the tip of my finger? Black Hills right there. That isn't a Black Hill. You need a manicure. Oh, come on, Costello. We we gotta get to the Niles Ranch right away. Let's jump on our horses. Okay. Get it, horses. Come. Get it, horses. Get it. Come on. Get it. Town man, wake up.
[00:14:46] Unknown:
Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. We're
[00:14:50] Unknown:
supposed to be riding horses. Alright. So we can ride the old blocks in the engine. Well, here we are at the Niles Ranch. Look who's coming out the gate. Melonhead. Ask Sheriff Melonhead to you. Sheriff Castello, this is my county, and I've got a shiny badge to prove it. And you've got a shiny head to match it. It. Wait a minute. Are you trying to tell these people that I'm bald? I see more hair on Van Johnson's lapel. Listen to Castello. I'm the law around here. Because if you don't keep your nose out of my business, that'll be trouble. Wait a minute, little head. Just talking to six gun cut solo. Six gun cut solo? How come you're only wearing two guns? Six guns makes my pants fall down. Wait a minute, Millerhead.
Missus Niles asked us to come out here and and catch the cattle rustlers. Well, there's a thousand dollars reward for the captain of them cattle rustlers, and I'm aiming to get the reward. I'll tell you what I'll do, my little head. Yeah? See which one of us is the better man. Let's shoot it out. Okay. That shoots me.
[00:15:44] Unknown:
Costello, he shot off your right ear. He shot off your left ear. Costello, why don't you shoot back? I can't see. Why not? My ears were holding my head up.
[00:15:58] Unknown:
Alright, Costello. Now I'll give you a chance to shoot at me. Okay. Here I go. I caught that bullet between my teeth. I eat bullets for breakfast. I caught the second bullet between my teeth. I eat bullets for lunch. Will somebody bring me a bowl of two for Tuffaroo? Come on, Crustello. Let's go to the ranch house and see missus Nyle.
[00:16:31] Unknown:
Oh, thank you that you're here. I hope you catch those awful cattle russes. I know their leader. It's cactus pea. Cactus pea. Cactus pea? Well, I need that big, powerful brute of a man. He has the rippling muscles of steel. Why missus Niles? His his arms are so powerful, he could crush the breath out of a person. Oh, well, I get the head on. I'll go with you. No. No. No. You stay here, missus Niles. We'll bring back cactus feet, dead or alive. Let's jump on our horses. Okay.
[00:17:04] Unknown:
The sound man is on the wrong track again.
[00:17:14] Unknown:
Hey, Cassella.
[00:17:16] Unknown:
It's a tough looking cow town we're coming into. Hey, Abigail. Here's the yellow gloves for the saloon. Let's go in and see if anybody's seen Texas pizza.
[00:17:38] Unknown:
Come on, Castello. We have a duty to perform. Hey.
[00:17:58] Unknown:
Grab that man and fire that shot. Hurry up. I got him. I got him. Listen to you. What's the idea of shooting that singer? He was singing Ireland must be heaven. Because your mother came from there. What did he say, Castello? He said cement mixer. Put it put it. Put it. Put it. Put it. Put it. Put it. Put it. Put it, Castello. Here comes the hostess. Come on over here and kiss your poor old father.
[00:18:36] Unknown:
Hi. You like me, senor? No? Everybody tell me that I I have more cars than in Lincoln Highway.
[00:18:44] Unknown:
Yeah. And those detours ain't bad either. Castillo, I thought we came here to pinch the cattle rush. You pinch what you like, and I'll pinch what I like. Trust me, guys. Everybody, catch this Pete just rolled in the towel. Contest this Pete? Oh, he's my my boyfriend. If he finds me with you, he will kill me. I'm going to hide behind this door. Well, Abbott, the time has come. This is it. This is it. You wait here. Good for you, Criselda, for a minute. I thought you were a coward. Are you going after Cactus Street? Hey. No. I'm going behind a dog with Rosita. Stand where you are, everybody.
[00:19:17] Unknown:
I uncactus feet, the toughest ombre in this spot.
[00:19:23] Unknown:
Castelli hit the customer door from twenty five feet. You think that's good? Watch this.
[00:19:31] Unknown:
Make fun of me. Hey, Ombre? What's this?
[00:19:37] Unknown:
I knew he couldn't top that one of mine. Oh, I have no draw. Yeah.
[00:20:02] Unknown:
It is a pleasure to have such a beautiful gun pointed at my heart. All my life, I have wanted a pearl handle revolver. That is a beauty, senor. Do you mind if I look at it? No. Not at all. Here. Thank you. You little fat fool. I've got your gun. I'll stick them up.
[00:20:17] Unknown:
Give me your money, your watches, your rings.
[00:20:20] Unknown:
Thank you, Sergio. And I dares to you, you little stupid
[00:20:26] Unknown:
joke. Stella, Castella, why are you laughing? It stole our money. It stole our jewelry. It stole your gun.
[00:20:33] Unknown:
Yeah, Abbot. But the joke is on him. What do you mean? Weekly, he finds out that the gun ain't loaded.
[00:20:46] Unknown:
And now we're about to do with the final word. Well, Castelli, you acted pretty stupid with that cattle rustle with the knife. I thought you said you knew how to handle a gun. Oh, that was just for the program, Abbot. I'm really an expert with firearms. In fact, to prove it to you, if that gentleman sitting down there on the front row will step up on a stage, I'll shoot an apple off the top of his head. No. No. Anything but that. That's minor. He'll kill us all. Let's call.
[00:21:08] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, yo. Come here. Why do you always pick on me? Because you're always trying to show off. I'll bet you don't know the first thing about chasing cattle rustlers. I'll bet you're scared to death of a bull. Oh, no. I'm not. One time, I was standing face to face with a charging bull. There he was, breathing fire, snorting and pawing the ground. Everybody was scared to death. But with one little word, I stopped that ferocious bull in its tracks. You stopped that bull in its tracks with one word? Mhmm. What was it?
[00:21:37] Unknown:
Good night, folks. Good night, everybody in Canada.
Introduction and Fun at Chamba Casino
The Sheriff and the Cowboy Outfit
Adventures of a Sheriff: Wheaties and Bananas
Sheriff Costello's Misadventures
The Case of the Cattle Rustlers
Showdown at the Niles Ranch
Cactus Pete and the Saloon Standoff
Final Words and Comedy Wrap-Up
