In this lively episode, Ryan shares his amusing experience of playing social spin slot games on Chumba Casino during a flight, only to find his seatmate doing the same. This sparks a conversation about the fun and accessibility of online casino games, available anytime and anywhere, even at 30,000 feet. The episode takes a humorous turn with a comedic sketch involving characters like Costello, who dreams of becoming the sheriff of Encino, and encounters with quirky personalities and situations, including a mysterious house with strange happenings.
The episode is filled with witty banter and comedic exchanges, reminiscent of classic radio comedy. Costello's adventures as a would-be sheriff lead to encounters with Bela Lugosi, mysterious noises, and a humorous investigation of a spooky house. The comedic timing and clever wordplay keep the audience entertained as Costello navigates through absurd scenarios, from dealing with ghosts to uncovering secrets in a haunted house. It's a delightful mix of humor, nostalgia, and playful storytelling that captures the essence of classic comedy.
(00:00) Introduction and Casino Anecdote
(01:17) Comedy Sketch: Castella's Adventures
(08:03) Sheriff Costello's New Role
(11:13) Investigation at Bela Lugosi's House
(20:56) The Mysterious Panel and Farewell
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Hello. It is Ryan, and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chumbacasino.com. I looked over the person sitting next to me, and you know what they were doing? They were also playing Chumba casino. Coincidence? I think not. Everybody's loving having fun with it. Chumba Casino is home to hundreds of casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere, even at 30,000 feet. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com to claim your free welcome bonus at chumba casino dot com and live the Chumba life. No purchase necessary.
[00:00:29] Unknown:
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[00:00:35] Unknown:
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[00:00:50] Unknown:
Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See website for details.
[00:01:17] Unknown:
Castella. Castella. Castella, you're late again. Well, I was watching the girls admiring Lana Turner's new necklace. Lana Turner has a new necklace? Yeah. It's made out of her old wedding rings. Hey. Who is that girl you were out with last night? Oh, that's my that's my new girl. What's she like, Will? What she like? She likes bourbon, scotch, gin, rye, wine, slaps, bourbon. Look. Where did you meet this girl? Oh, at the Palladium. I asked her for a dance. Did you dance the foxtrot, the dango, or the waltz? The one step. The one step? One step, and I changed my mind about dancing with her. Her. Why? Wasn't she a good dancer? No. But she makes you forget about dancing during intermission. When I took her home, I kissed her goodnight and got a real kick out of it. If she kissed, is that good? No. I fought her quarters. Right.
Instead of running around every night with a different girl, why don't you settle down and get married? Not me. I had to get married. It's like going to a cafeteria. Like a cafeteria. Yeah. You grab what you want and pay for it later. But if you're fighting crime, you'll need a man like me. Appoint me sheriff, and I'll go from house to house and pinch every crook. No. No. Not every crook. You mean you'll pinch every crook? You'll pinch what you like, and I'll pinch what I like. You you pinch what you like, and I'll pinch what I like. You shut
[00:03:52] Unknown:
down. You shut down. You shut down.
[00:03:55] Unknown:
Castello, why were you late tonight? Well, I always slept there, but I had a very peculiar dream. I dreamed I was a pin cushion in a in a room full of balloon dancers. And am I mad? Why are you mad? Well, I woke up just when things were beginning to pop. Right? After next week, I'm gonna get my own room. I can't sleep with my brother Pat anymore. All night long, he dreams he's Roy Rogers. Well, I thought why should that disturb you? He also dreams I'm triggered. In heaven, if you will appoint me, sheriff Francino, I'll clean up the town. I'll mop up all the pool rooms. I'll clean out all the saloons. I'll scour the alley. How can you do that? On the side, I'm a street cleaner. Costello, if I make you the new sheriff, you've got a lot of brave men to follow. Listen to the records of the background.
Sheriff Jones, redcoats, northwest mountain, nineteen thirty one. Yeah. Sheriff Brown, redcoats, northwest mountain, nineteen thirty eight. Jeff Costello, sports coach, full replacement, 1975. Russell, to do criminal work, you have to know something about the law. For instance, do you know how to put up a defense? Sure. All you have to could I have that again? I said, do you know how to put up a defense? Why should I put up a defense? I already put up at the wall around my house. I also got at the hedge in the backyard. Why do I have to put up a defense? No. No. Costello, when I say you put up a defense, I don't mean you put up a fence like you, do when you put up a fence. I mean a defense like when you put up a defense. Yeah. But I think you're nuts. No. You're saying it's it's not you. You wouldn't know how to act in a criminal investigation Oh, is that so? If I was down in a morgue yesterday to see a gangster that was killed, I lifted up the sheet and there he laid the corpus delicatessen.
That yeah, dummy. Corpus delicately, not corpus delicatessen. This was a corpus delicatessen. He was stabbed with a salami.
[00:05:48] Unknown:
Right.
[00:05:50] Unknown:
Well, I knew you were cleaning up Encino, but you didn't have to dump that heap of rubbish here on that thing. Rubbish? Oh, pardon me. It's
[00:06:02] Unknown:
Costello. I I'm a I'm a boy in Costello as sheriff. I wasn't seen though. He's going to chase all the criminals out of town. Well, buddy, you ought to put me on that job. You know, I'm a regular bloodhound. On the looks of your ears, you must be pot cocker spaniel too.
[00:06:16] Unknown:
I don't want to take any more insults from you, Costello. I can see through you. I've got eyes like a hawk. And a beak to match.
[00:06:26] Unknown:
Costello. How dare you insult my wife. She's beautiful. Why before I married her, she had men falling in her feet. And why not? She was refereeing fights at the Legion Stadium.
[00:06:37] Unknown:
Oh, you pigeon puss pop eyed penguin. When I was a girl living in the country, boys used to caught me from 10 miles away. They had to. They were afraid to come any closer.
[00:06:50] Unknown:
Pay no attention to mommy.
[00:06:52] Unknown:
Say that's a pretty hat you're wearing. Oh, I just bought it. Mhmm. And do you think I should wear it to one side off the face? If you're smart, you'll wear it over your face. Oh, lowlife. Lowlife? By the way, buddy, I got some new shoes too. Do you like them? They're pumps. On on you? They look good. Well, thanks. Considering that your legs look like pump handles.
[00:07:17] Unknown:
Oh, how dare you? I have beautiful legs. You're pulling. My wife is not pulling. She's the only woman in the world that can walk down a bowling alley while the game is on. Costello, for insulting my wife, I'm not going to make you sheriff of Encino, and I'm not going to give you this beautiful badge. Oh, please have it. Let me be the sheriff. I've always wanted a badge. Everybody's got a badge but me. A cop has a badge. A fireman has a badge. Even a little boy scout has a badge. Abbott, I've just gotta have a badge. But, why do you have to have a badge? I'm tired of holding up my pants with my teeth. Oh, alright.
I hereby appoint you sheriff of Encino. Step forward, and I'll pin this badge on your shirt. Thank you, Adam. I mean, your honor. Hello. Hold still. I'm tearing your shirt. I ain't wearing any shirt. Come on. We're going over to the Sheriff's Office in Encino right now so you can start to work immediately. Well, sheriff Costello, you can take over at once. I've got it at it. What? Ma'am broke into your room? Yes, ma'am. I'll put it on a police radio right away. Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Go to 237 Mulberry Street. An old maid found a burglar in her room. Proceed with caution.
The old maid is armed. Well, Costello, you're catching on to your job fast.
[00:09:00] Unknown:
But, Tom, I'm chill. I found you here. I have news for you. I just picked up a cent. It's nice this morning. Grab a bus and get out of town.
[00:09:08] Unknown:
Put that out, Costello. My wife may be in trouble. Oh, that's right, buddy dear. Something terrible just happened. What did he do? Find your birth certificate? Cass. Cass. Costella, pay attention to my wife. As the sheriff of Edencino, it's your duty to hear her out. Well, if it'll make you happy, I'll throw her out.
[00:09:30] Unknown:
Never mind him, dear. Let's hear your story. Well, for the last couple of nights, there's been a lot of strange noises. Screams and gunshots coming from that empty house next door to us. Suddenly, at 02:00 in the morning, as I was standing by the stove making fudge
[00:09:44] Unknown:
What happened? What happened? Oh, she burned her fudge.
[00:09:53] Unknown:
No. I saw a mysterious man peering out of the attic window. He made an ugly face happy like this. No. No. Don't do that. I haven't made the face yet. How can I tell?
[00:10:04] Unknown:
Alright, Gazzella. This baby was more serious than you think.
[00:10:11] Unknown:
I'd like to see the sheriff.
[00:10:13] Unknown:
That's him.
[00:10:15] Unknown:
That's the mysterious man. Costello, look. It's Stella Legosi. She. Hello. Just a minute, Gustela. Mister Legosi, I am the chairman of the, committee for crime prevention in Encino. Now, just what is the nature of your complaint? Well, I have put it in a simple language that even a moron can understand. Step aside, Abbot. He's talking to me. Allison Lagoski, I'm the sheriff around here, and I'm gonna ask you some questions. Now what were those screams in your house at midnight? That was my business. And what about those gunshots?
[00:11:02] Unknown:
That's my business. Ask him about those dead bodies in the basement.
[00:11:06] Unknown:
He's also
[00:11:07] Unknown:
my business. This guy is doing a heck of a business. That settles it, Costello. You, as sheriff, will have to investigate and search Legosi's house tonight at midnight.
[00:11:18] Unknown:
You will like the house, Costello. It's the only house in Encino where every room has a bat. And a strange man should suddenly appear with a long sharp knife in his hand and offer to cut your throat
[00:11:37] Unknown:
Yes.
[00:11:38] Unknown:
Refuse him.
[00:11:42] Unknown:
Abbott, take back the badge. I don't wanna be sheriff anymore. Get me out of here now, Wabbit. Well, Castell, here we are at Bela Lugosi's house. Have it. Waffle dark in that house. But you've got to go in there. You're the sheriff. You've got to go in there and look for the trouble. Couldn't I look for it out here? There's more light. Look at me. I'm not scared. Shh. Habit. I think I hear something, or is it my imagination? Thank goodness it was only my imagination.
[00:12:33] Unknown:
Well, Philip Costello, as you have come to investigate my house, Come in. I am making myself a sandwich. What kind of a sandwich? It's a rattlesnake burger covered with pickled toads and diced bat wings.
[00:12:54] Unknown:
Do you put ketchup on it?
[00:12:56] Unknown:
What? To get heartburn? Oh. It's too bad you won't be here for breakfast. We are having shrouded wheat.
[00:13:11] Unknown:
Shrouded wheat? Have it puff. There's a casket in the corner with rubber sheets in it. Rubber sheets in it? Yes. I line all my casket with rubber sheets
[00:13:23] Unknown:
so the rain can't get in.
[00:13:26] Unknown:
Why?
[00:13:28] Unknown:
My beer is the dry beer.
[00:13:37] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. Look at that funny looking machine over there in the corner. That's my Sears machine. On that, I manufacture
[00:13:44] Unknown:
robots.
[00:13:45] Unknown:
Get it, Abbot? Sears or robots.
[00:13:56] Unknown:
One of you will soon be dead. One of you will soon be dead. Which one? Don't be so choosy.
[00:14:13] Unknown:
Yeah. But I'm getting out of here. I don't like the looks of this place. Look at the grandfather's clock in the corner. Oh, lots of people have grandfather's clocks. With their grandfathers hanging in it like a pendulum? Never mind that, Costello. Question Legosi about the house.
[00:14:33] Unknown:
Mister Legosi, where is the former owner of this house? Do you see the pile of freshly dug dirt in the corner? Yes, sir. Well, that's not a vegetable garden.
[00:14:46] Unknown:
That's strange. I thought I felt a draft on my neck. What's strange about that? I have no neck. Mister Lagoski, what are you whispering for? I was born in a library. I have to stay there six months. How come? My father lost his card. Hey. Look, Costello. There's a skeleton in this room. At it? There's two skeletons in this room. Two skeletons? Yeah. I just jumped out of my skin. Hey, Abbott. Look. Legosi has just disappeared through that wall. Pardon me, Abbott. I wanna see somebody outside. Who? Me. Come back here, Costello. You're scared? Why don't you sing? Go ahead and sing. It'll keep up your courage.
Carry me back to old Virginia.
[00:15:52] Unknown:
You keep singing like that, and they'll drag you back.
[00:15:55] Unknown:
Who are you?
[00:15:57] Unknown:
I'm a ghost. I'm the ghost of Richard the lionhearted.
[00:16:01] Unknown:
Who are you? I'm Costello, the chicken liver.
[00:16:07] Unknown:
Mr. Ghost, Costello is the sheriff, and we've got to investigate this house. Why don't you start in the cellar? Here. I'll open the door for you. You can go right down those
[00:16:20] Unknown:
stairs. Costello, where are you? Down in the cellar, rabbit. But if you go for that first step, it's a lulu. It's alright, Costello. Here I am. I'll turn on this flashlight, and we'll take a look around. Yeah. But quick, look over there. There's a body on the floor. Is he dead? I can't tell. His head is missing. I'm getting out of here, Adam. Costello, what are we? Nicer men. I don't know about you, but I'm glad there's no cat around. Look. Dela Legosa is back. Costello,
[00:17:06] Unknown:
it is indeed regrettable that you choose to prowl around in my cellar. I'm in a bloodthirsty mood. So far this week, I've only killed nine people.
[00:17:19] Unknown:
This guy sounds like a California driver. Just a minute, Lagos. Castello's a sheriff of this town, and you've got a dead man lying down here in your cellar. Yes. I know. He lives here. But he's dead. He's dead, I tell you. Why don't you throw him out? I can't.
[00:17:39] Unknown:
His rent is paid off on Platoon First.
[00:17:47] Unknown:
Come on, Gastelo. We've got to continue with the search. Well, go ahead with your search.
[00:17:52] Unknown:
If you want me, I've been the morgue lying on my slab. That's where I'm happiest. I'm lying on my slab.
[00:18:02] Unknown:
Don't look now, Abbott, but I think he's a little slab happy. Come on, Costello. Let's look in this room. Open the door. Bustelo, what in the world was that? I don't know, and I ain't getting down off this channel here to find out. Come on down there, Costello. Hey, look. I just found a secret closet. Let's open it. Now don't touch that door, Costello. Look at that sign. It says, this closet has never been opened in over January. I don't believe that. I'm gonna open it.
[00:18:58] Unknown:
Gloves. Gloves. The British are coming. The British are coming.
[00:19:05] Unknown:
Costello? Costello, where are you? I'm hiding over here under this bed. Come on. Call out from under that bed. Okay. Now I wonder who put that piggy bank under here. Hey. Look, Costello. There's a panel sliding open in that wall.
[00:19:33] Unknown:
Gentlemen, how can I ever thank you? You released me from a hypnotic spell that I've been under for over a thousand years.
[00:19:41] Unknown:
Oh, Abbot. She's beautiful. Tell me, miss. Are you a mummy? Oh, no. I'm not even married. She, you're lovely.
[00:19:56] Unknown:
Where did you come from? I remember coming here on Noah's Ark with all the animals. They all came in pairs. The birds came in pairs. The rabbits came in pairs. Did everything come in pairs? Everything but the worms, they come in apples.
[00:20:17] Unknown:
What are you two doing here? Well, we're trying to solve the secrets of this house.
[00:20:22] Unknown:
I can help you. I know this house. I've got the inside.
[00:20:27] Unknown:
What you've got on the outside ain't bad either. Be careful. Be careful. Didn't have enough material, Slow down.
[00:20:39] Unknown:
Slow down. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
[00:20:44] Unknown:
Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello
[00:20:56] Unknown:
Which one of you gallant gentlemen opened that panel and released me?
[00:21:01] Unknown:
I did.
[00:21:02] Unknown:
I'm gonna reward you. Come put your arms around me. I'm going to kiss you. There. How was that?
[00:21:19] Unknown:
Abbott, this kid is more than a thousand years old.
[00:21:25] Unknown:
You're very sweet. You remind me of an actor I used to go with five hundred years ago. Really? You went with an actor five hundred years ago? What was his name? Al Johnson.
[00:21:41] Unknown:
Hey.
[00:21:43] Unknown:
What's that? Oh, it's it's Lugosi coming back. He mustn't find me here. I've got to get back behind my candle. But before I go, you may take my hand and kiss it.
[00:21:54] Unknown:
It. Thank you. Thank you. Castello, what are you doing? I'm kissing your hand. But, Castello, the girl is gone. She's gone back behind that panel. Now wasn't she sweet? She gave me her hand a kiss. I've got a hand, and I'm holding it in mine, and she's gone. Now wasn't that?
[00:22:12] Unknown:
She's gone? Come on. I still got a hint of that.
[00:22:17] Unknown:
What are you trying to do? Wake up to a living?
[00:22:35] Unknown:
Costello. Costello. It's fellow Legosi. He's coming to watch us. Well, Sheriff Costello, I got to go now before I get into trouble with the police. Are you afraid of the police because you killed those nine people last week? No. It's not there. Are you afraid of the police because of the deathly crimes you've committed? No. It's not there. And why are you afraid of the police? Yes. Why? Why do you have to leave here so suddenly? I just remembered I left my car parked in a one hour zone, and you know those Los Angeles Cops.
[00:23:05] Unknown:
Good night, mister Costello.
[00:23:08] Unknown:
Good night, mister Locosa. Isn't he a lovely Chuck Costello? Yes. He sure is. I'd like to have known him when he was alive.
[00:23:31] Unknown:
Should we make plans for our anniversary?
[00:23:34] Unknown:
Let's just pick something up from BJ's Wholesale Club. From BJ's?
[00:23:37] Unknown:
How
[00:23:38] Unknown:
romantic. Well, I was thinking Bulk sized mozzarella sticks? No. A vacation package to The Caribbean. Woah. Can we afford that? BJ's Travel offers even better value than those discount travel websites. Plus a 10% best price guarantee. So, yeah, we can. Visit travel.bj's.com
[00:23:56] Unknown:
to book cruises, vacation packages, car rentals, hotels, and more. Terms and conditions apply. See site for details.
Hello. It is Ryan, and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chumbacasino.com. I looked over the person sitting next to me, and you know what they were doing? They were also playing Chumba casino. Coincidence? I think not. Everybody's loving having fun with it. Chumba Casino is home to hundreds of casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere, even at 30,000 feet. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com to claim your free welcome bonus at chumba casino dot com and live the Chumba life. No purchase necessary.
[00:00:29] Unknown:
Terms and conditions 18 plus. With Lucky Land Sluts, you can get lucky just about anywhere.
[00:00:35] Unknown:
This is your captain speaking. We've got clear runway, and the weather's fine, but we're just gonna circle up here a while and, get lucky. No. No. Nothing like that. It's just these cash prizes add up quick. So I suggest you sit back, keep your tray table upright, and start getting lucky.
[00:00:50] Unknown:
Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See website for details.
[00:01:17] Unknown:
Castella. Castella. Castella, you're late again. Well, I was watching the girls admiring Lana Turner's new necklace. Lana Turner has a new necklace? Yeah. It's made out of her old wedding rings. Hey. Who is that girl you were out with last night? Oh, that's my that's my new girl. What's she like, Will? What she like? She likes bourbon, scotch, gin, rye, wine, slaps, bourbon. Look. Where did you meet this girl? Oh, at the Palladium. I asked her for a dance. Did you dance the foxtrot, the dango, or the waltz? The one step. The one step? One step, and I changed my mind about dancing with her. Her. Why? Wasn't she a good dancer? No. But she makes you forget about dancing during intermission. When I took her home, I kissed her goodnight and got a real kick out of it. If she kissed, is that good? No. I fought her quarters. Right.
Instead of running around every night with a different girl, why don't you settle down and get married? Not me. I had to get married. It's like going to a cafeteria. Like a cafeteria. Yeah. You grab what you want and pay for it later. But if you're fighting crime, you'll need a man like me. Appoint me sheriff, and I'll go from house to house and pinch every crook. No. No. Not every crook. You mean you'll pinch every crook? You'll pinch what you like, and I'll pinch what I like. You you pinch what you like, and I'll pinch what I like. You shut
[00:03:52] Unknown:
down. You shut down. You shut down.
[00:03:55] Unknown:
Castello, why were you late tonight? Well, I always slept there, but I had a very peculiar dream. I dreamed I was a pin cushion in a in a room full of balloon dancers. And am I mad? Why are you mad? Well, I woke up just when things were beginning to pop. Right? After next week, I'm gonna get my own room. I can't sleep with my brother Pat anymore. All night long, he dreams he's Roy Rogers. Well, I thought why should that disturb you? He also dreams I'm triggered. In heaven, if you will appoint me, sheriff Francino, I'll clean up the town. I'll mop up all the pool rooms. I'll clean out all the saloons. I'll scour the alley. How can you do that? On the side, I'm a street cleaner. Costello, if I make you the new sheriff, you've got a lot of brave men to follow. Listen to the records of the background.
Sheriff Jones, redcoats, northwest mountain, nineteen thirty one. Yeah. Sheriff Brown, redcoats, northwest mountain, nineteen thirty eight. Jeff Costello, sports coach, full replacement, 1975. Russell, to do criminal work, you have to know something about the law. For instance, do you know how to put up a defense? Sure. All you have to could I have that again? I said, do you know how to put up a defense? Why should I put up a defense? I already put up at the wall around my house. I also got at the hedge in the backyard. Why do I have to put up a defense? No. No. Costello, when I say you put up a defense, I don't mean you put up a fence like you, do when you put up a fence. I mean a defense like when you put up a defense. Yeah. But I think you're nuts. No. You're saying it's it's not you. You wouldn't know how to act in a criminal investigation Oh, is that so? If I was down in a morgue yesterday to see a gangster that was killed, I lifted up the sheet and there he laid the corpus delicatessen.
That yeah, dummy. Corpus delicately, not corpus delicatessen. This was a corpus delicatessen. He was stabbed with a salami.
[00:05:48] Unknown:
Right.
[00:05:50] Unknown:
Well, I knew you were cleaning up Encino, but you didn't have to dump that heap of rubbish here on that thing. Rubbish? Oh, pardon me. It's
[00:06:02] Unknown:
Costello. I I'm a I'm a boy in Costello as sheriff. I wasn't seen though. He's going to chase all the criminals out of town. Well, buddy, you ought to put me on that job. You know, I'm a regular bloodhound. On the looks of your ears, you must be pot cocker spaniel too.
[00:06:16] Unknown:
I don't want to take any more insults from you, Costello. I can see through you. I've got eyes like a hawk. And a beak to match.
[00:06:26] Unknown:
Costello. How dare you insult my wife. She's beautiful. Why before I married her, she had men falling in her feet. And why not? She was refereeing fights at the Legion Stadium.
[00:06:37] Unknown:
Oh, you pigeon puss pop eyed penguin. When I was a girl living in the country, boys used to caught me from 10 miles away. They had to. They were afraid to come any closer.
[00:06:50] Unknown:
Pay no attention to mommy.
[00:06:52] Unknown:
Say that's a pretty hat you're wearing. Oh, I just bought it. Mhmm. And do you think I should wear it to one side off the face? If you're smart, you'll wear it over your face. Oh, lowlife. Lowlife? By the way, buddy, I got some new shoes too. Do you like them? They're pumps. On on you? They look good. Well, thanks. Considering that your legs look like pump handles.
[00:07:17] Unknown:
Oh, how dare you? I have beautiful legs. You're pulling. My wife is not pulling. She's the only woman in the world that can walk down a bowling alley while the game is on. Costello, for insulting my wife, I'm not going to make you sheriff of Encino, and I'm not going to give you this beautiful badge. Oh, please have it. Let me be the sheriff. I've always wanted a badge. Everybody's got a badge but me. A cop has a badge. A fireman has a badge. Even a little boy scout has a badge. Abbott, I've just gotta have a badge. But, why do you have to have a badge? I'm tired of holding up my pants with my teeth. Oh, alright.
I hereby appoint you sheriff of Encino. Step forward, and I'll pin this badge on your shirt. Thank you, Adam. I mean, your honor. Hello. Hold still. I'm tearing your shirt. I ain't wearing any shirt. Come on. We're going over to the Sheriff's Office in Encino right now so you can start to work immediately. Well, sheriff Costello, you can take over at once. I've got it at it. What? Ma'am broke into your room? Yes, ma'am. I'll put it on a police radio right away. Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Go to 237 Mulberry Street. An old maid found a burglar in her room. Proceed with caution.
The old maid is armed. Well, Costello, you're catching on to your job fast.
[00:09:00] Unknown:
But, Tom, I'm chill. I found you here. I have news for you. I just picked up a cent. It's nice this morning. Grab a bus and get out of town.
[00:09:08] Unknown:
Put that out, Costello. My wife may be in trouble. Oh, that's right, buddy dear. Something terrible just happened. What did he do? Find your birth certificate? Cass. Cass. Costella, pay attention to my wife. As the sheriff of Edencino, it's your duty to hear her out. Well, if it'll make you happy, I'll throw her out.
[00:09:30] Unknown:
Never mind him, dear. Let's hear your story. Well, for the last couple of nights, there's been a lot of strange noises. Screams and gunshots coming from that empty house next door to us. Suddenly, at 02:00 in the morning, as I was standing by the stove making fudge
[00:09:44] Unknown:
What happened? What happened? Oh, she burned her fudge.
[00:09:53] Unknown:
No. I saw a mysterious man peering out of the attic window. He made an ugly face happy like this. No. No. Don't do that. I haven't made the face yet. How can I tell?
[00:10:04] Unknown:
Alright, Gazzella. This baby was more serious than you think.
[00:10:11] Unknown:
I'd like to see the sheriff.
[00:10:13] Unknown:
That's him.
[00:10:15] Unknown:
That's the mysterious man. Costello, look. It's Stella Legosi. She. Hello. Just a minute, Gustela. Mister Legosi, I am the chairman of the, committee for crime prevention in Encino. Now, just what is the nature of your complaint? Well, I have put it in a simple language that even a moron can understand. Step aside, Abbot. He's talking to me. Allison Lagoski, I'm the sheriff around here, and I'm gonna ask you some questions. Now what were those screams in your house at midnight? That was my business. And what about those gunshots?
[00:11:02] Unknown:
That's my business. Ask him about those dead bodies in the basement.
[00:11:06] Unknown:
He's also
[00:11:07] Unknown:
my business. This guy is doing a heck of a business. That settles it, Costello. You, as sheriff, will have to investigate and search Legosi's house tonight at midnight.
[00:11:18] Unknown:
You will like the house, Costello. It's the only house in Encino where every room has a bat. And a strange man should suddenly appear with a long sharp knife in his hand and offer to cut your throat
[00:11:37] Unknown:
Yes.
[00:11:38] Unknown:
Refuse him.
[00:11:42] Unknown:
Abbott, take back the badge. I don't wanna be sheriff anymore. Get me out of here now, Wabbit. Well, Castell, here we are at Bela Lugosi's house. Have it. Waffle dark in that house. But you've got to go in there. You're the sheriff. You've got to go in there and look for the trouble. Couldn't I look for it out here? There's more light. Look at me. I'm not scared. Shh. Habit. I think I hear something, or is it my imagination? Thank goodness it was only my imagination.
[00:12:33] Unknown:
Well, Philip Costello, as you have come to investigate my house, Come in. I am making myself a sandwich. What kind of a sandwich? It's a rattlesnake burger covered with pickled toads and diced bat wings.
[00:12:54] Unknown:
Do you put ketchup on it?
[00:12:56] Unknown:
What? To get heartburn? Oh. It's too bad you won't be here for breakfast. We are having shrouded wheat.
[00:13:11] Unknown:
Shrouded wheat? Have it puff. There's a casket in the corner with rubber sheets in it. Rubber sheets in it? Yes. I line all my casket with rubber sheets
[00:13:23] Unknown:
so the rain can't get in.
[00:13:26] Unknown:
Why?
[00:13:28] Unknown:
My beer is the dry beer.
[00:13:37] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. Look at that funny looking machine over there in the corner. That's my Sears machine. On that, I manufacture
[00:13:44] Unknown:
robots.
[00:13:45] Unknown:
Get it, Abbot? Sears or robots.
[00:13:56] Unknown:
One of you will soon be dead. One of you will soon be dead. Which one? Don't be so choosy.
[00:14:13] Unknown:
Yeah. But I'm getting out of here. I don't like the looks of this place. Look at the grandfather's clock in the corner. Oh, lots of people have grandfather's clocks. With their grandfathers hanging in it like a pendulum? Never mind that, Costello. Question Legosi about the house.
[00:14:33] Unknown:
Mister Legosi, where is the former owner of this house? Do you see the pile of freshly dug dirt in the corner? Yes, sir. Well, that's not a vegetable garden.
[00:14:46] Unknown:
That's strange. I thought I felt a draft on my neck. What's strange about that? I have no neck. Mister Lagoski, what are you whispering for? I was born in a library. I have to stay there six months. How come? My father lost his card. Hey. Look, Costello. There's a skeleton in this room. At it? There's two skeletons in this room. Two skeletons? Yeah. I just jumped out of my skin. Hey, Abbott. Look. Legosi has just disappeared through that wall. Pardon me, Abbott. I wanna see somebody outside. Who? Me. Come back here, Costello. You're scared? Why don't you sing? Go ahead and sing. It'll keep up your courage.
Carry me back to old Virginia.
[00:15:52] Unknown:
You keep singing like that, and they'll drag you back.
[00:15:55] Unknown:
Who are you?
[00:15:57] Unknown:
I'm a ghost. I'm the ghost of Richard the lionhearted.
[00:16:01] Unknown:
Who are you? I'm Costello, the chicken liver.
[00:16:07] Unknown:
Mr. Ghost, Costello is the sheriff, and we've got to investigate this house. Why don't you start in the cellar? Here. I'll open the door for you. You can go right down those
[00:16:20] Unknown:
stairs. Costello, where are you? Down in the cellar, rabbit. But if you go for that first step, it's a lulu. It's alright, Costello. Here I am. I'll turn on this flashlight, and we'll take a look around. Yeah. But quick, look over there. There's a body on the floor. Is he dead? I can't tell. His head is missing. I'm getting out of here, Adam. Costello, what are we? Nicer men. I don't know about you, but I'm glad there's no cat around. Look. Dela Legosa is back. Costello,
[00:17:06] Unknown:
it is indeed regrettable that you choose to prowl around in my cellar. I'm in a bloodthirsty mood. So far this week, I've only killed nine people.
[00:17:19] Unknown:
This guy sounds like a California driver. Just a minute, Lagos. Castello's a sheriff of this town, and you've got a dead man lying down here in your cellar. Yes. I know. He lives here. But he's dead. He's dead, I tell you. Why don't you throw him out? I can't.
[00:17:39] Unknown:
His rent is paid off on Platoon First.
[00:17:47] Unknown:
Come on, Gastelo. We've got to continue with the search. Well, go ahead with your search.
[00:17:52] Unknown:
If you want me, I've been the morgue lying on my slab. That's where I'm happiest. I'm lying on my slab.
[00:18:02] Unknown:
Don't look now, Abbott, but I think he's a little slab happy. Come on, Costello. Let's look in this room. Open the door. Bustelo, what in the world was that? I don't know, and I ain't getting down off this channel here to find out. Come on down there, Costello. Hey, look. I just found a secret closet. Let's open it. Now don't touch that door, Costello. Look at that sign. It says, this closet has never been opened in over January. I don't believe that. I'm gonna open it.
[00:18:58] Unknown:
Gloves. Gloves. The British are coming. The British are coming.
[00:19:05] Unknown:
Costello? Costello, where are you? I'm hiding over here under this bed. Come on. Call out from under that bed. Okay. Now I wonder who put that piggy bank under here. Hey. Look, Costello. There's a panel sliding open in that wall.
[00:19:33] Unknown:
Gentlemen, how can I ever thank you? You released me from a hypnotic spell that I've been under for over a thousand years.
[00:19:41] Unknown:
Oh, Abbot. She's beautiful. Tell me, miss. Are you a mummy? Oh, no. I'm not even married. She, you're lovely.
[00:19:56] Unknown:
Where did you come from? I remember coming here on Noah's Ark with all the animals. They all came in pairs. The birds came in pairs. The rabbits came in pairs. Did everything come in pairs? Everything but the worms, they come in apples.
[00:20:17] Unknown:
What are you two doing here? Well, we're trying to solve the secrets of this house.
[00:20:22] Unknown:
I can help you. I know this house. I've got the inside.
[00:20:27] Unknown:
What you've got on the outside ain't bad either. Be careful. Be careful. Didn't have enough material, Slow down.
[00:20:39] Unknown:
Slow down. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
[00:20:44] Unknown:
Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello
[00:20:56] Unknown:
Which one of you gallant gentlemen opened that panel and released me?
[00:21:01] Unknown:
I did.
[00:21:02] Unknown:
I'm gonna reward you. Come put your arms around me. I'm going to kiss you. There. How was that?
[00:21:19] Unknown:
Abbott, this kid is more than a thousand years old.
[00:21:25] Unknown:
You're very sweet. You remind me of an actor I used to go with five hundred years ago. Really? You went with an actor five hundred years ago? What was his name? Al Johnson.
[00:21:41] Unknown:
Hey.
[00:21:43] Unknown:
What's that? Oh, it's it's Lugosi coming back. He mustn't find me here. I've got to get back behind my candle. But before I go, you may take my hand and kiss it.
[00:21:54] Unknown:
It. Thank you. Thank you. Castello, what are you doing? I'm kissing your hand. But, Castello, the girl is gone. She's gone back behind that panel. Now wasn't she sweet? She gave me her hand a kiss. I've got a hand, and I'm holding it in mine, and she's gone. Now wasn't that?
[00:22:12] Unknown:
She's gone? Come on. I still got a hint of that.
[00:22:17] Unknown:
What are you trying to do? Wake up to a living?
[00:22:35] Unknown:
Costello. Costello. It's fellow Legosi. He's coming to watch us. Well, Sheriff Costello, I got to go now before I get into trouble with the police. Are you afraid of the police because you killed those nine people last week? No. It's not there. Are you afraid of the police because of the deathly crimes you've committed? No. It's not there. And why are you afraid of the police? Yes. Why? Why do you have to leave here so suddenly? I just remembered I left my car parked in a one hour zone, and you know those Los Angeles Cops.
[00:23:05] Unknown:
Good night, mister Costello.
[00:23:08] Unknown:
Good night, mister Locosa. Isn't he a lovely Chuck Costello? Yes. He sure is. I'd like to have known him when he was alive.
[00:23:31] Unknown:
Should we make plans for our anniversary?
[00:23:34] Unknown:
Let's just pick something up from BJ's Wholesale Club. From BJ's?
[00:23:37] Unknown:
How
[00:23:38] Unknown:
romantic. Well, I was thinking Bulk sized mozzarella sticks? No. A vacation package to The Caribbean. Woah. Can we afford that? BJ's Travel offers even better value than those discount travel websites. Plus a 10% best price guarantee. So, yeah, we can. Visit travel.bj's.com
[00:23:56] Unknown:
to book cruises, vacation packages, car rentals, hotels, and more. Terms and conditions apply. See site for details.
