In this lively episode, Ryan shares his passion for fun and introduces listeners to Chamba Casino, a place filled with a variety of social casino-style games. With new games released weekly and daily bonuses to collect, Ryan invites everyone to join in the excitement and test their luck. He also highlights a special feature game, The Godfather slot, where players can immerse themselves in a world of power and loyalty.
As the episode unfolds, listeners are treated to a comedic skit featuring a series of humorous exchanges and witty banter. The dialogue covers a range of topics from New Year's resolutions to party plans, and even a mock detective mystery. The episode is filled with laughs, showcasing the comedic talents of the cast as they navigate through various scenarios, including a New Year's Eve party and a playful magic trick gone awry.
(00:00) Introduction and Fun at Chamba Casino
(01:04) Hollywood Homes and Celebrity Encounters
(03:03) New Year's Eve Plans and Family Stories
(07:09) Political Satire and Social Commentary
(14:52) Sam Shovel: The Detective's New Year
(21:04) New Year's Party and Magic Tricks
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chamba Casino. They have hundreds of social casino casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. Dwww.void, where prohibited by law. See terms and conditions 18 plus. Step into the world of power, loyalty,
[00:00:34] Unknown:
and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis,
[00:00:40] Unknown:
and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Business. Introducing The Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champa casino dot com. Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW Group. Boy, we're prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply.
[00:01:05] Unknown:
Alright. Stop that racket.
[00:01:08] Unknown:
Where have you been all afternoon? Where have you been all afternoon after the tour of the movie star's home? I passed Gregory Peck's house and said, gee, I'd like to have his Cadillac. Then I passed Clark Abel's house and I said, gee, I'd like to have his yacht. Then I passed Terry James' house and I said
[00:01:24] Unknown:
Yes?
[00:01:25] Unknown:
What would I do with his trumpet? You know, I shouldn't be kidnapped. I mean, after all, I got a threatening letter today. Somebody wants to kill me. That's why I got this. How many people listen to you every week, Gustela? Well, let me see. You only get about twelve minutes. That's amazing. Then I got oh, you mean that I got so many listeners? No. Now that you only got one threatening letter. Show me show me where it says that in the script. Show me where it says that in the script. Well, never mind. Never mind. What are you gonna do about the letter? Oh, that's your line. Excuse me.
[00:02:11] Unknown:
Me. Never mind. What are you gonna do about the letter? That's where I heard it. Yeah. That's where I heard it.
[00:02:16] Unknown:
Well, what are you gonna do about the letter, Lou? Well, the person that sent me that letter, maybe he may be in the audience tonight. I'm gonna search everybody out there. I'm gonna start with that blonde in the front row.
[00:02:27] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. Don't be silly, Costello.
[00:02:29] Unknown:
A beautiful girl like that wouldn't be carrying a gun. You look for what you like, and I'll look for what I like. You aren't so ignorant and stupid. You wouldn't pay any attention to the letter. Oh, stupid and ignorant. I was very smart in school. When a teacher asked a question, I was always the first one to raise my hand. You are? Sometimes it was to answer the question. It's not that you haven't come over here. What have you been doing in that telephone booth all afternoon? Well, I'm giving a big party tomorrow night. It's New Year's Eve, you know, and I've just got to get Earl Flynn and Hetty Lamar as my guest of honor. Why do you have to have Earl Flynn and Hetty Lamar? Well, you see, yeah. But this year, New Year's Eve comes on Friday night, Friday night. And I can't serve any meat, so I thought it would be kinda nice to have Flynn and Hetty.
[00:03:30] Unknown:
Well, never mind that. Is your brother Pat going to have a nice New Year's this this year? Oh, yeah. You know, this is the first year since he's been out of the navy, Lou. Yeah. She's very happy about it. The veterans committee got him an apartment for $250 a month. Does he like it? Does
[00:03:45] Unknown:
does he like it? Yes. Him and his wife and his baby and his father-in-law and his mother-in-law are all living there in one room.
[00:03:55] Unknown:
Well,
[00:03:55] Unknown:
isn't it kind of crowded? Only at night when the landlord backs his car in.
[00:04:08] Unknown:
Giving that Pat is living in a garage and paying $250 a month, that's ridiculous.
[00:04:13] Unknown:
I bet I could I could rent that same garage for $50 a month. Yeah. But you ain't a veteran. I You can say that again. Why should I say that again? It didn't get a laugh the first time. Right.
[00:04:25] Unknown:
Because I don't know why I even talked to you. Why don't you pack up your things and do where all other morons go? That's silly, Abbott. What would I do in Washington? Well, never mind that. I want you to remember that 1949 is only a couple of days off, and I hope that next year, you'll settle down and get married. What for? You should get married. Don't you miss being married? Don't you miss having a little woman around the house?
[00:04:57] Unknown:
No. I hang wet nylons in the bathroom. I scatter bobby pins all over the floor. I smear all my towels with lipstick, and you'll be surprised how I don't notice there isn't a woman around. Well, if you come to my house tomorrow night, I'm having quite a party, and I'll introduce you to some nice girl. Well, I can have it. You see, we're having a party at my uncle Mike's house, and I can't wait to play that new game he invented. This game will take the place of jigsaw puzzles. How do you play it? Well, you open up a can of crushed pineapple and try to put the pieces together. Yeah. But are you gonna play any other game? Oh, sure. We play the regular game we play at our house every New Year's Eve. It's called Scotch Punch. How do you play? How do you play that? I punch the first guy that touches a Scotch.
Would your uncle Mike be at the party? I don't think so, Abbot. He's in jail for reckless driving. You know, the sheriff won't let him out.
[00:05:51] Unknown:
He won't? No? Well, if the sheriff won't let him out, you know the mayor,
[00:05:56] Unknown:
DeVita You know him, mate? DeVita? Yeah. Sure. No. But why don't you call him? Maybe he could swing it. You must, know somebody that can swing it. I think I'll call Carmen Miranda.
[00:06:10] Unknown:
Carmen Miranda.
[00:06:11] Unknown:
She don't even know the sheriff. I know of a brother. Can she swing it? Oh, mister Costello. Mister Costello, you've got to help me.
[00:06:22] Unknown:
What's the matter, young man? Well, my wife wants to send me to a sanitarium.
[00:06:27] Unknown:
Why? Because I like French fried potatoes. What's wrong with that, young man? I love French fried potatoes myself. You do, mister Castellos? Certainly. Then you must come over to my house. I've got trunks and trunks just full of French fried potatoes. You know, Abbot, he looks familiar to me. I think I saw him at the $2 winner at the Bank of America.
[00:06:57] Unknown:
Wait a minute. I've heard of a a paying winner, a receiving winner, and a loan winner, but since when have they got a $2 winner at the Bank of America? Ever since the president went out to Santa Anita, so the business are doing with theirs.
[00:07:09] Unknown:
You don't wanna go out of the racetrack, Abbot. It runs like a machine. A machine? Yeah. Vacuum cleaner. The only place in the world where the windows clean the people.
[00:07:20] Unknown:
I hope you'll pardon the intrusion boys, but you remember me. I was candidate for representative from your district. Oh, politician Harry Brown. Yes, gentlemen. Yeah. Same Harry Brown that promised to clean up the city. Close-up all the pool hall, bring back prohibition, and finish the Hollywood Freeway.
[00:07:41] Unknown:
Mister Brown, what are you doing now? Nothing. I was elected.
[00:07:53] Unknown:
By the way, Castello, I wanna thank you for inviting my sister, my wife and sister, babe, to to the Rose Bowl with you, next New Year's Day. But I still,
[00:08:01] Unknown:
I still can't understand why you invited her. Very simple, Abbott. Both your wife and your sister, babe, have peroxide blonde hair. What's that got to do with it? Well, they're all out of tickets, and I figured I'd better bring my own bleachers. I
[00:08:15] Unknown:
Well, good evening, boy.
[00:08:17] Unknown:
Well, love, Castell. It's our secretary, Viola Vaughn. Well,
[00:08:22] Unknown:
Viola Vaughn. You give me the wrong place, kid.
[00:08:28] Unknown:
Castell, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Viola has only been in California in a short time.
[00:08:33] Unknown:
Try to make her feel at home. Say something nice to her. Alright. Your old girl has been frightfully nice seeing you again. Rightfully nice. Oh, thank you. And it's been frightful seeing you again. Quiet, Costello. Let me handle
[00:08:52] Unknown:
it.
[00:08:55] Unknown:
Do you speak French? Oh, I get around. Listen to this. Chevrolet coupe, Griffith Park?
[00:09:04] Unknown:
Costello. That that wouldn't get you very far in France. Yeah. I do pretty good with Glendale, though.
[00:09:16] Unknown:
Pay no attention, don't be all that.
[00:09:18] Unknown:
How would you like to come over to my house New Year's Eve for a little, late supper? Is it going to be a buffet? Is it, going to be what?
[00:09:25] Unknown:
Buffet. Buffet. Abbot.
[00:09:28] Unknown:
Don't be a dope. You know what buffet is? That's French. Let's go to the table and slug it all among ourselves. On second thought, Costello, I don't think I want you at my house on New Year's Eve. Your table manners are atrocious. Oh, but, mister Abbott, let let him come over to our house. Costello, you just watch me. I have I have perfect table manners. Well, is that so? Well, that's one thing I've been meaning to ask you. Every time you drink coffee, you always stick your fingers straight out. What's that for? That's where you hang the wet doughnut. Viola, that was very, very funny. And all I can say to you is what the skunk would say to his brother.
What did the skunks skunk you? I still would like to know what page you're on. What did the skum say to his brother? I beg your pardon. What did the skum say? Alright, folks. We all go back to page I'll just have it just once more. What does the scum say to his brother? You do too. You do. No. No. Please don't get mad, Costello. Well, you're getting mad. I'm happy. Can can you
[00:11:17] Unknown:
This is the end of the New Year and New Year's Eve. The end of the old year, dear. It'll be the end of the script. What did you say, Adi? This is the end of the old year and New Year's Eve. Now I'm gonna give you the hottest burning, sizzlingest kiss you've ever had. You are? Yes.
[00:11:39] Unknown:
Attention New York and Chicago. Stay tuned in. This may be just what you need to melt the snow off your street. Castella, I've come to the conclusion that you are the most unintelligent, ignorant, stupid men can poop in the state of California. Well, a fellas gotta make good at something. I I still like that skunk a hunk a line of yours. Viola, we're starting a new year in a few days, and I'd like you to stay with us as our secretary. You like the job, don't you? Well, mister Abbott, I don't really know. You see, I was a secretary for an insurance man, then I worked in a bank. But my mother is a little skeptical about my working for Hollywood Actors. Leona, has your mother been telling you that old stuff about how actors are all wolves? That they do nothing but chase girls and go to parties, and that they're all up all night whooping and hollering, and that no self respecting girl should associate with them? Well, yes. She has. Well, do you wanna know something? What? She's so right. Come over here. What are you writing in that little book?
I beg your pardon? What are you writing in that little book? What are you perspiring for? I'm asking you, Castellan here. What are you writing in that little book? I got four New Year's resolutions written in here, Abbott. In 1949, here's what I'm gonna do. Resolution number one, I resolve to improve my handwriting. Now that's good. What is number two? How do you like that? I can't read it. Well, skip it. What's what's number three? Love thy neighbor. And number four? Move next door to Eddie Lamar. Why don't you make up a sensible list of resolutions? Well, I'm only kidding, but I got a sensible list. Listen to this. Number one, give up going to nightclub. Number two, give up going with girl. Number three, give up resolutions number one and number two.
Talk Sam, please. I like the one about love thy neighbor. Yeah. But where where are you going to spend with your seat, Lou? Well, I could go to Ava Ava Gardner's party. There's only one thing that's stopping me. What's that? She didn't invite me.
[00:14:00] Unknown:
That shows you how popular you are with the girls.
[00:14:03] Unknown:
Personally, I don't care about girls. You don't, Just so I'm popular with my Sam's Shovel detective fans. The listeners love me, Abbot. Just listen to this know what I got today. Dear Lou Costello, Sam's Shovel private detective, you are wonderful. You kill me. If you ain't the funniest guy on the radio, I'm a monkey's uncle. I'm coming to the studio tonight. Miss Costello, is someone here to see you? Show the man in. It's no man. Just a monkey with his uncle. Well, never mind him, Costello. What is your Sam Scheuvel detective mystery about tonight? It's one of my greatest cases to have it. I call it the murder at the radio quiz show, or I've got a body in a balcony, doctor. Well, that sounds like a dandy. Let's do it. Right.
Yes. I'm Sam Shovel. Sam Shovel, private detective. I'll take any kind of a case. If you need a detective to shadow somebody, call me. If you need evidence for a divorce, call me. If you need a detective with courage and fortitude, call me. If your life is threatened by a mob of desperate armed criminals and you need somebody to shoot it out with them, there's plenty of other detectives you can call. So I sit here at my desk. I decide to read. I pick up my newspaper. It's the Herald Express. I see an ad for California grapefruit. You can always tell it genuine California grapefruit.
If it don't squirt juice, it squirts fog. While reading, I decide to smoke. I reach for my old Indian piece pipe. It's a genuine old Indian piece pipe. Instead of the bag, it's filled with pieces of old Indian. I glance out to one of the beautiful secretary across the hall. She's wearing a new mink coat she got for Christmas. She got that mink coat the hard way. The hard way. She bought it herself. I hear a strange sound coming from the dentist's office next door.
[00:16:06] Unknown:
Bollard, right face. My cuspid.
[00:16:09] Unknown:
Squads left. He's drilling somebody's teeth. My ceiling just cracked. Piece of plaster fell on my desk. There's something written on the plaster. It's as wide as a chicken cross the street. It's corn plaster. My ceiling is full of old cracks.
[00:16:33] Unknown:
So are my riders.
[00:16:37] Unknown:
On my wall, I noticed a picture, figure finger Tessie. What a girl. She shot from the hip and she could hit anything. And one day, she bought a gun. But she threw it away, found out she could hit more people with a hip. Yes. She was a gun model. Every time she started to pull a job, I cooked a goose. In Cleveland, I cooked a goose. In Boston, I cooked a goose. In Albany, I cooked a goose. One day, she asked me to marry her. She said, Sam, nobody can cook a goose like you. I gave her a job as my secretary, but she never could get any work done. In the office, she was a bottleneck. Every time I opened a bottle, she'd want a neck.
Well, here I am all alone, and it's New Year's Eve. I look out at the winter at the crowds in the street. Water racket. Everybody's celebrating. Half the men half the men have noisemakers. You're the half left their wives home. In the crowd, I see my pal, Lieutenant Abbott of the homicide squad. Abbott is a shrewd cop, but he's very tight with money. He gave his wife a bottle of perfume for Christmas. Perfume was so cheap that when she put on her fur coat, the moths flew out all in her nose. Lieutenant Abbott is a drinking man. And how.
He loves beer. But in 1949, he's going on a wagon. Not because he wants to quit drinking, but he figures if he goes on a wagon, he'll have to be that much closer to the beer. Suddenly, my office door opened.
[00:18:20] Unknown:
Hello, Sam. Hello. Happy New Year. Where have you been? I haven't seen you all week. I've been helping out with the Christmas rush at Nancy's department store.
[00:18:28] Unknown:
They fired me. I made a mistake. I took a sign off address and put it on a bathtub. What did the sign say? How would you like to see your girl in this for a dollar 98?
[00:18:44] Unknown:
Never mind that, Sam. Are you coming to my house to play poker? None of your wife is gonna play. What's the matter with my wife? She's a great poker player. My wife has a real poker face. Every time I see her, I want a poker face. What a New Year's Eve. Police department is going nuts with the traffic problem. I wonder how officer McShane is doing on Hollywood And Vine. Officer McShane is now at Sunset in Figueroa.
[00:19:09] Unknown:
Who moved him away down there? Brand new red Hudson going 90 miles an hour. I figured about that. Are you going to a nightclub to celebrate New Year's Eve? Not me, Lieutenant Abbott. It's too expensive. I went to a Hollywood nightclub Saturday night. Ringside tables were $50. The last row was $25. Cost $5 way back at the bar. I paid 50¢. Could you see the show? Yes. I did. But it was very annoying. All night long, some guy kept brushing me off with a whisk broom.
[00:19:48] Unknown:
Why don't you come to my house tonight, Sam? It'll be a swell party. Bring that cute little redhead you met yesterday. I had her out last night.
[00:19:55] Unknown:
We went to Griffith Park and sat on the bench. Every time I kissed her, she pulled her hair out of her head. Well, bring it to the body. Lieutenant, how would it look for me to walk into your house with a bald headed girl? I know who I'll bring. Gertie. Gerty. She's just well at a party. She's a scream. Does she play piano? No. Does she sing? No. What does she do? She screams.
[00:20:25] Unknown:
Where where Sam Shovell? Where is Sam Shovell, the great detective?
[00:20:28] Unknown:
I I gotta see Sam Shovell. Oh, please calm down, sir. What's the matter? Please. There's something something on your mind? There must be something on his mind. There's nothing on his head.
[00:20:43] Unknown:
Stop joking, Stan Shuttles. You've gotta help me, please. There's something the matter with my wife. She's asleep. I can't wake her up. Sam, I can't wake up my wife. Have you tried shaking her? Shaking her. I've been doing better than that. For the past two hours, I've been hitting her on the head with a hammer.
[00:21:04] Unknown:
Sam, it's New Year's Eve. Forget forget you're a detective. Let's go to my house for a New Year's party. Well, Sam, how are you enjoying the party? Fine.
[00:21:28] Unknown:
Attention, everybody. We're going to play a game. Now everybody's gotta get up and do something to entertain. Hey. Let Sam Shubble get up first. Yeah. Hey. Come on. Come on.
[00:21:42] Unknown:
Friends, countrymen, and other stuff that goes with it. I'll do the best I can to entertain you, but remember, I'm just a private detective. I'm not an entertainer. You can say that again. Who's that, lieutenant?
[00:21:58] Unknown:
The president of ABC. I had to invite him.
[00:22:02] Unknown:
As I said before, friends, I'll do my best to entertain you. How would you like to see some of my famous magic tricks? Okay. Sam. Okay. Now, lieutenant Abbott, may I borrow your handkerchief? Thank you. Now, mister president of ABC, may I borrow your watch? Okay. Hit. But be careful with it. My wife gave it to me for Christmas. Good. Now watch me carefully. First, I wrap the watch in the handkerchief. I tie four knots in the handkerchief. Now I place it on the floor and jump up and down on it like this. Hey. What kind of a trick is that? You're busting my watch to pieces.
Yes. But I want you to notice. There's not one wrinkle in that handkerchief.
Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chamba Casino. They have hundreds of social casino casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. Dwww.void, where prohibited by law. See terms and conditions 18 plus. Step into the world of power, loyalty,
[00:00:34] Unknown:
and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis,
[00:00:40] Unknown:
and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Business. Introducing The Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champa casino dot com. Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW Group. Boy, we're prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply.
[00:01:05] Unknown:
Alright. Stop that racket.
[00:01:08] Unknown:
Where have you been all afternoon? Where have you been all afternoon after the tour of the movie star's home? I passed Gregory Peck's house and said, gee, I'd like to have his Cadillac. Then I passed Clark Abel's house and I said, gee, I'd like to have his yacht. Then I passed Terry James' house and I said
[00:01:24] Unknown:
Yes?
[00:01:25] Unknown:
What would I do with his trumpet? You know, I shouldn't be kidnapped. I mean, after all, I got a threatening letter today. Somebody wants to kill me. That's why I got this. How many people listen to you every week, Gustela? Well, let me see. You only get about twelve minutes. That's amazing. Then I got oh, you mean that I got so many listeners? No. Now that you only got one threatening letter. Show me show me where it says that in the script. Show me where it says that in the script. Well, never mind. Never mind. What are you gonna do about the letter? Oh, that's your line. Excuse me.
[00:02:11] Unknown:
Me. Never mind. What are you gonna do about the letter? That's where I heard it. Yeah. That's where I heard it.
[00:02:16] Unknown:
Well, what are you gonna do about the letter, Lou? Well, the person that sent me that letter, maybe he may be in the audience tonight. I'm gonna search everybody out there. I'm gonna start with that blonde in the front row.
[00:02:27] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. Don't be silly, Costello.
[00:02:29] Unknown:
A beautiful girl like that wouldn't be carrying a gun. You look for what you like, and I'll look for what I like. You aren't so ignorant and stupid. You wouldn't pay any attention to the letter. Oh, stupid and ignorant. I was very smart in school. When a teacher asked a question, I was always the first one to raise my hand. You are? Sometimes it was to answer the question. It's not that you haven't come over here. What have you been doing in that telephone booth all afternoon? Well, I'm giving a big party tomorrow night. It's New Year's Eve, you know, and I've just got to get Earl Flynn and Hetty Lamar as my guest of honor. Why do you have to have Earl Flynn and Hetty Lamar? Well, you see, yeah. But this year, New Year's Eve comes on Friday night, Friday night. And I can't serve any meat, so I thought it would be kinda nice to have Flynn and Hetty.
[00:03:30] Unknown:
Well, never mind that. Is your brother Pat going to have a nice New Year's this this year? Oh, yeah. You know, this is the first year since he's been out of the navy, Lou. Yeah. She's very happy about it. The veterans committee got him an apartment for $250 a month. Does he like it? Does
[00:03:45] Unknown:
does he like it? Yes. Him and his wife and his baby and his father-in-law and his mother-in-law are all living there in one room.
[00:03:55] Unknown:
Well,
[00:03:55] Unknown:
isn't it kind of crowded? Only at night when the landlord backs his car in.
[00:04:08] Unknown:
Giving that Pat is living in a garage and paying $250 a month, that's ridiculous.
[00:04:13] Unknown:
I bet I could I could rent that same garage for $50 a month. Yeah. But you ain't a veteran. I You can say that again. Why should I say that again? It didn't get a laugh the first time. Right.
[00:04:25] Unknown:
Because I don't know why I even talked to you. Why don't you pack up your things and do where all other morons go? That's silly, Abbott. What would I do in Washington? Well, never mind that. I want you to remember that 1949 is only a couple of days off, and I hope that next year, you'll settle down and get married. What for? You should get married. Don't you miss being married? Don't you miss having a little woman around the house?
[00:04:57] Unknown:
No. I hang wet nylons in the bathroom. I scatter bobby pins all over the floor. I smear all my towels with lipstick, and you'll be surprised how I don't notice there isn't a woman around. Well, if you come to my house tomorrow night, I'm having quite a party, and I'll introduce you to some nice girl. Well, I can have it. You see, we're having a party at my uncle Mike's house, and I can't wait to play that new game he invented. This game will take the place of jigsaw puzzles. How do you play it? Well, you open up a can of crushed pineapple and try to put the pieces together. Yeah. But are you gonna play any other game? Oh, sure. We play the regular game we play at our house every New Year's Eve. It's called Scotch Punch. How do you play? How do you play that? I punch the first guy that touches a Scotch.
Would your uncle Mike be at the party? I don't think so, Abbot. He's in jail for reckless driving. You know, the sheriff won't let him out.
[00:05:51] Unknown:
He won't? No? Well, if the sheriff won't let him out, you know the mayor,
[00:05:56] Unknown:
DeVita You know him, mate? DeVita? Yeah. Sure. No. But why don't you call him? Maybe he could swing it. You must, know somebody that can swing it. I think I'll call Carmen Miranda.
[00:06:10] Unknown:
Carmen Miranda.
[00:06:11] Unknown:
She don't even know the sheriff. I know of a brother. Can she swing it? Oh, mister Costello. Mister Costello, you've got to help me.
[00:06:22] Unknown:
What's the matter, young man? Well, my wife wants to send me to a sanitarium.
[00:06:27] Unknown:
Why? Because I like French fried potatoes. What's wrong with that, young man? I love French fried potatoes myself. You do, mister Castellos? Certainly. Then you must come over to my house. I've got trunks and trunks just full of French fried potatoes. You know, Abbot, he looks familiar to me. I think I saw him at the $2 winner at the Bank of America.
[00:06:57] Unknown:
Wait a minute. I've heard of a a paying winner, a receiving winner, and a loan winner, but since when have they got a $2 winner at the Bank of America? Ever since the president went out to Santa Anita, so the business are doing with theirs.
[00:07:09] Unknown:
You don't wanna go out of the racetrack, Abbot. It runs like a machine. A machine? Yeah. Vacuum cleaner. The only place in the world where the windows clean the people.
[00:07:20] Unknown:
I hope you'll pardon the intrusion boys, but you remember me. I was candidate for representative from your district. Oh, politician Harry Brown. Yes, gentlemen. Yeah. Same Harry Brown that promised to clean up the city. Close-up all the pool hall, bring back prohibition, and finish the Hollywood Freeway.
[00:07:41] Unknown:
Mister Brown, what are you doing now? Nothing. I was elected.
[00:07:53] Unknown:
By the way, Castello, I wanna thank you for inviting my sister, my wife and sister, babe, to to the Rose Bowl with you, next New Year's Day. But I still,
[00:08:01] Unknown:
I still can't understand why you invited her. Very simple, Abbott. Both your wife and your sister, babe, have peroxide blonde hair. What's that got to do with it? Well, they're all out of tickets, and I figured I'd better bring my own bleachers. I
[00:08:15] Unknown:
Well, good evening, boy.
[00:08:17] Unknown:
Well, love, Castell. It's our secretary, Viola Vaughn. Well,
[00:08:22] Unknown:
Viola Vaughn. You give me the wrong place, kid.
[00:08:28] Unknown:
Castell, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Viola has only been in California in a short time.
[00:08:33] Unknown:
Try to make her feel at home. Say something nice to her. Alright. Your old girl has been frightfully nice seeing you again. Rightfully nice. Oh, thank you. And it's been frightful seeing you again. Quiet, Costello. Let me handle
[00:08:52] Unknown:
it.
[00:08:55] Unknown:
Do you speak French? Oh, I get around. Listen to this. Chevrolet coupe, Griffith Park?
[00:09:04] Unknown:
Costello. That that wouldn't get you very far in France. Yeah. I do pretty good with Glendale, though.
[00:09:16] Unknown:
Pay no attention, don't be all that.
[00:09:18] Unknown:
How would you like to come over to my house New Year's Eve for a little, late supper? Is it going to be a buffet? Is it, going to be what?
[00:09:25] Unknown:
Buffet. Buffet. Abbot.
[00:09:28] Unknown:
Don't be a dope. You know what buffet is? That's French. Let's go to the table and slug it all among ourselves. On second thought, Costello, I don't think I want you at my house on New Year's Eve. Your table manners are atrocious. Oh, but, mister Abbott, let let him come over to our house. Costello, you just watch me. I have I have perfect table manners. Well, is that so? Well, that's one thing I've been meaning to ask you. Every time you drink coffee, you always stick your fingers straight out. What's that for? That's where you hang the wet doughnut. Viola, that was very, very funny. And all I can say to you is what the skunk would say to his brother.
What did the skunks skunk you? I still would like to know what page you're on. What did the skum say to his brother? I beg your pardon. What did the skum say? Alright, folks. We all go back to page I'll just have it just once more. What does the scum say to his brother? You do too. You do. No. No. Please don't get mad, Costello. Well, you're getting mad. I'm happy. Can can you
[00:11:17] Unknown:
This is the end of the New Year and New Year's Eve. The end of the old year, dear. It'll be the end of the script. What did you say, Adi? This is the end of the old year and New Year's Eve. Now I'm gonna give you the hottest burning, sizzlingest kiss you've ever had. You are? Yes.
[00:11:39] Unknown:
Attention New York and Chicago. Stay tuned in. This may be just what you need to melt the snow off your street. Castella, I've come to the conclusion that you are the most unintelligent, ignorant, stupid men can poop in the state of California. Well, a fellas gotta make good at something. I I still like that skunk a hunk a line of yours. Viola, we're starting a new year in a few days, and I'd like you to stay with us as our secretary. You like the job, don't you? Well, mister Abbott, I don't really know. You see, I was a secretary for an insurance man, then I worked in a bank. But my mother is a little skeptical about my working for Hollywood Actors. Leona, has your mother been telling you that old stuff about how actors are all wolves? That they do nothing but chase girls and go to parties, and that they're all up all night whooping and hollering, and that no self respecting girl should associate with them? Well, yes. She has. Well, do you wanna know something? What? She's so right. Come over here. What are you writing in that little book?
I beg your pardon? What are you writing in that little book? What are you perspiring for? I'm asking you, Castellan here. What are you writing in that little book? I got four New Year's resolutions written in here, Abbott. In 1949, here's what I'm gonna do. Resolution number one, I resolve to improve my handwriting. Now that's good. What is number two? How do you like that? I can't read it. Well, skip it. What's what's number three? Love thy neighbor. And number four? Move next door to Eddie Lamar. Why don't you make up a sensible list of resolutions? Well, I'm only kidding, but I got a sensible list. Listen to this. Number one, give up going to nightclub. Number two, give up going with girl. Number three, give up resolutions number one and number two.
Talk Sam, please. I like the one about love thy neighbor. Yeah. But where where are you going to spend with your seat, Lou? Well, I could go to Ava Ava Gardner's party. There's only one thing that's stopping me. What's that? She didn't invite me.
[00:14:00] Unknown:
That shows you how popular you are with the girls.
[00:14:03] Unknown:
Personally, I don't care about girls. You don't, Just so I'm popular with my Sam's Shovel detective fans. The listeners love me, Abbot. Just listen to this know what I got today. Dear Lou Costello, Sam's Shovel private detective, you are wonderful. You kill me. If you ain't the funniest guy on the radio, I'm a monkey's uncle. I'm coming to the studio tonight. Miss Costello, is someone here to see you? Show the man in. It's no man. Just a monkey with his uncle. Well, never mind him, Costello. What is your Sam Scheuvel detective mystery about tonight? It's one of my greatest cases to have it. I call it the murder at the radio quiz show, or I've got a body in a balcony, doctor. Well, that sounds like a dandy. Let's do it. Right.
Yes. I'm Sam Shovel. Sam Shovel, private detective. I'll take any kind of a case. If you need a detective to shadow somebody, call me. If you need evidence for a divorce, call me. If you need a detective with courage and fortitude, call me. If your life is threatened by a mob of desperate armed criminals and you need somebody to shoot it out with them, there's plenty of other detectives you can call. So I sit here at my desk. I decide to read. I pick up my newspaper. It's the Herald Express. I see an ad for California grapefruit. You can always tell it genuine California grapefruit.
If it don't squirt juice, it squirts fog. While reading, I decide to smoke. I reach for my old Indian piece pipe. It's a genuine old Indian piece pipe. Instead of the bag, it's filled with pieces of old Indian. I glance out to one of the beautiful secretary across the hall. She's wearing a new mink coat she got for Christmas. She got that mink coat the hard way. The hard way. She bought it herself. I hear a strange sound coming from the dentist's office next door.
[00:16:06] Unknown:
Bollard, right face. My cuspid.
[00:16:09] Unknown:
Squads left. He's drilling somebody's teeth. My ceiling just cracked. Piece of plaster fell on my desk. There's something written on the plaster. It's as wide as a chicken cross the street. It's corn plaster. My ceiling is full of old cracks.
[00:16:33] Unknown:
So are my riders.
[00:16:37] Unknown:
On my wall, I noticed a picture, figure finger Tessie. What a girl. She shot from the hip and she could hit anything. And one day, she bought a gun. But she threw it away, found out she could hit more people with a hip. Yes. She was a gun model. Every time she started to pull a job, I cooked a goose. In Cleveland, I cooked a goose. In Boston, I cooked a goose. In Albany, I cooked a goose. One day, she asked me to marry her. She said, Sam, nobody can cook a goose like you. I gave her a job as my secretary, but she never could get any work done. In the office, she was a bottleneck. Every time I opened a bottle, she'd want a neck.
Well, here I am all alone, and it's New Year's Eve. I look out at the winter at the crowds in the street. Water racket. Everybody's celebrating. Half the men half the men have noisemakers. You're the half left their wives home. In the crowd, I see my pal, Lieutenant Abbott of the homicide squad. Abbott is a shrewd cop, but he's very tight with money. He gave his wife a bottle of perfume for Christmas. Perfume was so cheap that when she put on her fur coat, the moths flew out all in her nose. Lieutenant Abbott is a drinking man. And how.
He loves beer. But in 1949, he's going on a wagon. Not because he wants to quit drinking, but he figures if he goes on a wagon, he'll have to be that much closer to the beer. Suddenly, my office door opened.
[00:18:20] Unknown:
Hello, Sam. Hello. Happy New Year. Where have you been? I haven't seen you all week. I've been helping out with the Christmas rush at Nancy's department store.
[00:18:28] Unknown:
They fired me. I made a mistake. I took a sign off address and put it on a bathtub. What did the sign say? How would you like to see your girl in this for a dollar 98?
[00:18:44] Unknown:
Never mind that, Sam. Are you coming to my house to play poker? None of your wife is gonna play. What's the matter with my wife? She's a great poker player. My wife has a real poker face. Every time I see her, I want a poker face. What a New Year's Eve. Police department is going nuts with the traffic problem. I wonder how officer McShane is doing on Hollywood And Vine. Officer McShane is now at Sunset in Figueroa.
[00:19:09] Unknown:
Who moved him away down there? Brand new red Hudson going 90 miles an hour. I figured about that. Are you going to a nightclub to celebrate New Year's Eve? Not me, Lieutenant Abbott. It's too expensive. I went to a Hollywood nightclub Saturday night. Ringside tables were $50. The last row was $25. Cost $5 way back at the bar. I paid 50¢. Could you see the show? Yes. I did. But it was very annoying. All night long, some guy kept brushing me off with a whisk broom.
[00:19:48] Unknown:
Why don't you come to my house tonight, Sam? It'll be a swell party. Bring that cute little redhead you met yesterday. I had her out last night.
[00:19:55] Unknown:
We went to Griffith Park and sat on the bench. Every time I kissed her, she pulled her hair out of her head. Well, bring it to the body. Lieutenant, how would it look for me to walk into your house with a bald headed girl? I know who I'll bring. Gertie. Gerty. She's just well at a party. She's a scream. Does she play piano? No. Does she sing? No. What does she do? She screams.
[00:20:25] Unknown:
Where where Sam Shovell? Where is Sam Shovell, the great detective?
[00:20:28] Unknown:
I I gotta see Sam Shovell. Oh, please calm down, sir. What's the matter? Please. There's something something on your mind? There must be something on his mind. There's nothing on his head.
[00:20:43] Unknown:
Stop joking, Stan Shuttles. You've gotta help me, please. There's something the matter with my wife. She's asleep. I can't wake her up. Sam, I can't wake up my wife. Have you tried shaking her? Shaking her. I've been doing better than that. For the past two hours, I've been hitting her on the head with a hammer.
[00:21:04] Unknown:
Sam, it's New Year's Eve. Forget forget you're a detective. Let's go to my house for a New Year's party. Well, Sam, how are you enjoying the party? Fine.
[00:21:28] Unknown:
Attention, everybody. We're going to play a game. Now everybody's gotta get up and do something to entertain. Hey. Let Sam Shubble get up first. Yeah. Hey. Come on. Come on.
[00:21:42] Unknown:
Friends, countrymen, and other stuff that goes with it. I'll do the best I can to entertain you, but remember, I'm just a private detective. I'm not an entertainer. You can say that again. Who's that, lieutenant?
[00:21:58] Unknown:
The president of ABC. I had to invite him.
[00:22:02] Unknown:
As I said before, friends, I'll do my best to entertain you. How would you like to see some of my famous magic tricks? Okay. Sam. Okay. Now, lieutenant Abbott, may I borrow your handkerchief? Thank you. Now, mister president of ABC, may I borrow your watch? Okay. Hit. But be careful with it. My wife gave it to me for Christmas. Good. Now watch me carefully. First, I wrap the watch in the handkerchief. I tie four knots in the handkerchief. Now I place it on the floor and jump up and down on it like this. Hey. What kind of a trick is that? You're busting my watch to pieces.
Yes. But I want you to notice. There's not one wrinkle in that handkerchief.
