In this lively episode, Ryan shares a humorous tale from his recent flight where he found himself playing a social spin slot game on Chumba Casino, only to discover the passenger next to him was doing the same. This amusing coincidence leads to a broader discussion about the popularity of online casino games and the fun they bring, even at 30,000 feet. Ryan encourages listeners to join in the fun and experience the excitement of Chumba Casino themselves.
The episode takes a comedic turn with a classic sketch involving characters Costello and Abbott. The duo engages in a hilarious dialogue about marriage, love, and the challenges of hosting a dinner for a high-society guest, Carlotta Cranberry. As Costello bumbles through his duties as a butler, the episode is filled with witty banter, misunderstandings, and laugh-out-loud moments, showcasing the timeless humor of Abbott and Costello.
(00:00) Introduction and Casino Anecdote
(01:18) Engagement Ring and Marriage Jokes
(06:01) Dinner Preparations and Etiquette Lessons
(10:00) Seeking Help from Friends
(15:03) Butler Training and Dinner Disaster
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Hello. It is Ryan, and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chumbacasino.com. I looked over the person sitting next to me, and you know what they were doing? They were also playing Chumba casino. Coincidence? I think not. Everybody's loving having fun with it. Chumba Casino is home to hundreds of casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere, even at 30,000 feet. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com to claim your free welcome bonus at chumba casino dot com and live the Chumba life. No purchase necessary.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
With Lucky Lancelot,
[00:00:32] Unknown:
you can get lucky just about anywhere. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to has anyone seen the bride and groom?
[00:00:39] Unknown:
Sorry. Sorry. We're here. We were getting lucky in the limo, and we lost track of time.
[00:00:44] Unknown:
No. Lucky Land Casino with cash prizes that add up quicker than a guest registry.
[00:00:49] Unknown:
In that case, I pronounce you lucky.
[00:00:52] Unknown:
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[00:01:04] Unknown:
boy.
[00:01:19] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. Costello, where have you been for the past three days? You would go out of town when I need you. Do you realize this day is the most important day in my life, Costello? Yeah. I finally bought an engagement ring. Bought an engagement ring? Yes. You did? Yes, little old pal. Doesn't it thrill you? Doesn't it make you happy? Mhmm. Mhmm. Well, why why don't you say something? Yeah. But I I don't know what to say. Oh, come on. Say anything.
[00:01:43] Unknown:
I'm so young. I'll have to get my parents' consent. Yes.
[00:01:47] Unknown:
I mean, I didn't buy the ring for you. Tonight, I am proposing to the wealthy widow, missus Carlotta Cranberry. Carlotta? Yes. Lovely woman. She made her money selling used cars, you know. Oh, I see. A sorta used Carlotta. That's all of this is no joking matter. Carlotta is a beautiful girl.
[00:02:09] Unknown:
Oh, yeah. That's what you said about your first wife, Clementine.
[00:02:12] Unknown:
No. No. Don't talk about my first wife. Clementine was a good kid. Mhmm. When I met her, she was at puppies' office with a circus. Yeah. She was so pole legged. When she put her tight on, she looked like a pair of pliers with a band aid. Listen, Costello. Costello, can you listen to me? Clementine was a beautiful woman. Why?
[00:02:31] Unknown:
She could sway men with her back turned. Yes. Sway back some in time, they called her. Oh, my gosh. Pastella, what makes you so bitter about marriage? Oh, I don't believe in marriage habits. Marriage is like soup. Marriage is like soup? Yeah. After you get through spooning, it cools off.
[00:02:46] Unknown:
Come on with you, Your whole trouble, Lou.
[00:02:52] Unknown:
You don't know you don't know what love is. Yes. I did. Yes. I do. Yes. You did. Light up your mind. Do you know what love is? Yes. I do. Little birds make love. That we know. Little butterflies make love. Even peanuts make love. Peanuts make love? You'd be surprised what goes on inside those shells. Oh.
[00:03:20] Unknown:
I'm I'm talking about old fashioned romance. When I was calling my first ride, Clementine, there was a big grandfather's truck in the parlor, and we used to sit and listen with ticks. Uh-huh. It said,
[00:03:32] Unknown:
take your time. Take your time. Uh-huh. Take your time. Uh-huh. Take your time. Yeah. Tap it. Maybe cool, but, things are different with matter and love. What do you mean? Today when a fellow sits in a parlor with a girl, rubbing alarm, parking a man that says, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together,
[00:03:59] Unknown:
get
[00:04:01] Unknown:
everybody said it was a perfect match. Match is right. She struck you and you went out like a light.
[00:04:07] Unknown:
Well, at least I'm not handpicked.
[00:04:09] Unknown:
Not handpicked? Before you were married, you used to snore. Now you tackle. Alrighty. Never mind my wife. My age. Will you stop that? Forget about my And I helped you to do it.
[00:04:23] Unknown:
Stop talking about those things and forget about my first wife. Now this marriage is going to be different. What a lovely girl Carlotta is. Every night I'll sneak into the parlor and catch her in my arms. Yes. Then you'll sneak into the bedroom and catch her in your pockets. I well, I don't wanna hear another remark about Carlotta Cranberry. He's a member of society. Did you ever rub shoulders with a 400? No. But I rubbed hips with a 500.
[00:04:46] Unknown:
Where where was that? At the Palladium. Oh, the black crust.
[00:04:50] Unknown:
That's all. I invited I invited Carlotta here for dinner tonight. She thinks that I'm a big shot, and I want you to act as my butler. Can you buggle? Can I what?
[00:04:59] Unknown:
Do you know how to buggle? Do I know how to buttle? Yes. I'll split a butler with any kind.
[00:05:06] Unknown:
I want you to serve the dinner.
[00:05:08] Unknown:
You understand, Lily? I want you to serve the dinner and and get our get out our finest dishes and silver. Have you seen my, sugar bowl? Have I seen your what? Have you seen my sugar bowl? No. But you first like him. No. No. No. You're gonna be messed up.
[00:05:22] Unknown:
You'll mess up the house. You'll mess up my whole evening home.
[00:05:29] Unknown:
Missus Tranmere will ask for an order, and you'll hand her a demitasse. Law school's trying to learn me demitasse. That word ain't demitasse. It's domestic. So it is Listen. Don't you know the first thing about etiquette? Now there you go with another one. That's not etiquette. It's the picketee. You don't have to tell me about a tickety abbot. I'll go out and buy that book by Emily Piller. You mean Emily Poche? I'll read the both of them. Yeah. I'll go from pillar to post. Oh, no. You don't have to read Emily Post. I'll tell you what to do. I'm up on all forms of social etiquette. Oh, you are? Oh, yes. I am. Well, let me ask you a question, Abbot. Now tell me this, Abbott. When you reach over to light a cigarette, would you light a cigarette with your right hand or your left hand? Good. I'll light it with my right hand, of course. That shows you how dopey you are. What do you mean? Most people use a mask.
Oh, god. Hey, Costello.
[00:06:29] Unknown:
Yeah. Costello. Now, missus Cranberry, I do hear at 08:00 in this my cook's day off. Can you imagine that? Now where am I going to get somebody to cook? I'll call Lana Turner right away. Oh, Costello. Lana Turner can't cook. Yeah. Which brings me to a boil. Alright. When you talk then, Costello, I have to get some food right away. I'll tell you what you do. You go around the corner to that little restaurant. You'll see a sign in the window that says mother's home cooking. I'm going to ask for mother. Okay. I'll go right in. And tell me when I what
[00:06:55] Unknown:
does the sign say? It says mother's home cooking. Oh, why should I go in the restaurant and ask for mother if she's home cooking? Mother isn't home cooking. Where is she? She's in the restaurant. Didn't you just tell me that the sign said mother's home cooking? That's right. Then how could she be in the restaurant? Does mother live there? No. She lives at home. Then what's she doing in the restaurant? Home cooking. Apple time is making an awful liar out of mother.
[00:07:20] Unknown:
Wait a minute. It's after 06:00. The restaurant is closed anyway. Mother wouldn't be there. What would mother be? Well, she's probably, home cooking.
[00:07:29] Unknown:
Let me smell your breath.
[00:07:32] Unknown:
Come on, Catell. We haven't got a minute to lose. We'd have to go around to our friends and find somebody to cook the dinner or dig up some food. Yes. Let me o my old girlfriend, touch a tinfoil. Maybe she could help us out. Well, come on. Let's go over to her house. Well, here's Tessie Tinfoil's house. I hope she's home. Go ahead and knock.
[00:07:54] Unknown:
Men, come in. Hello, Tessie.
[00:08:02] Unknown:
Hello, miss Abbott. And there you are, my satisfied lover boy, Louis. Come to me. Let me hold you in my arms. Let me crush you to me.
[00:08:10] Unknown:
Will say something, miss lover boy. How can I? You got your knee on my chest. Let me up.
[00:08:20] Unknown:
Oh, anyway. I'll let you came to take me for a ride along the beach. It'll be so romantic. We'll drive to some out of the way place where you can make love to me. I'm very appealing over candlelighted wine.
[00:08:32] Unknown:
You wouldn't appeal to me over beer and a flashlight.
[00:08:42] Unknown:
Jesse, I came to you for help. I'm entertaining a big society woman for dinner tonight, and I have no cook. Could you help me out? Oh, I'd love to, mister Abbott, but I have never been able to cook. I'll never forget the first meal I ever cooked. My husband sat down and ate it and left me. You mean he walked out on you? Why? No. He didn't walk out. Six men carried him out.
[00:09:03] Unknown:
Hey, look, Abbot. Maybe Scotty's wife's home, and maybe we can get her to help you. Come on. I'll knock on the door. Go ahead. What do you want? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What are you doing here? Where's Strutty? Strutty is out of town. He went to San Francisco.
[00:09:19] Unknown:
San
[00:09:21] Unknown:
Francisco? Pismo Beach. We went down there and hired a boat to go out on the walk on the walk on the walk. Water? No. Thanks. I don't wanna rush my stomach. Look, mister. I'm in a spot. I need somebody to cook my dinner. Oh, you came to the right place. Yep. I'd make a wonderful stew.
[00:09:55] Unknown:
Hey. Look, Crustell. The actress, Cessie Mae Moontre, just pulled up in front of her apartment.
[00:10:00] Unknown:
Yoo hoo. The bestie. Oh, good evening, boys. Isn't this a lovely, balmy evening? I love to see the sunset behind the Holywood Hills.
[00:10:12] Unknown:
Isn't it too too enchanting? Oh, yes. It's just too too the bean. It is too too the bean, an utterly picturesque queen.
[00:10:23] Unknown:
Betsy, I'm in terrible trouble. I'm trying to find somebody to cook first tonight. Could you help us out? Oh, goodness. No. I'm one of those helpless domes.
[00:10:32] Unknown:
This morning, I even burned my ham.
[00:10:35] Unknown:
Ham? Oh, sure. I mean, you know what ham is. You'll fry it with oops and sprinkle it with salt and pepper.
[00:10:48] Unknown:
I finally wound up with just a glass of milk and a cruller. Why you poor, poor law?
[00:10:54] Unknown:
You mean you didn't have butter tooth?
[00:10:57] Unknown:
But, Buzz, you can't you help us out at all. We have to have some food. Well, all I have in the house is some star crust, some raspberry jam, and some pizza cooler. Pizza cooler.
[00:11:08] Unknown:
Oh, whatever. Give me a kiss. I'll feed them a soda poo pipe.
[00:11:14] Unknown:
Well, I must drop in for my evening bar. I hope you have good luck with your dinner. And as they say in Russian have with that last joke. Well, as they say in Russian,
[00:11:29] Unknown:
to you. And a pair of my old britches to your tail.
[00:11:36] Unknown:
Costello, what am I going to do? My lovely Carla, her will be at the house in exactly an hour and a half. And where am I going to get a cook? I have a only one place left. Where? I guess you'll have to ask missus Niles.
[00:11:48] Unknown:
Oh, hello, boy. Gee, missus Niles. This is the first time I ever saw you in flats. You have a nice shape. Wait a minute, Costello. My wife isn't here. Oh, pardon me, Ken. I can recognize you without your leash. Quiet.
[00:11:59] Unknown:
Quiet, Costello. Where is missus Niles? Well, she went downtown to get a beauty treatment. She's being offered a job as a cover girl.
[00:12:07] Unknown:
Magazine or manhole?
[00:12:16] Unknown:
Quiet. Just a little bit, please. Ken, do you know where I can get somebody to cook dinner for my girlfriend and me? Well, no. I don't. The only one in the house is a French maid, Cici. Oh, wait a minute. I'll ask her if she can cook. Oh, Dizzy. Yes, monsieur Niles.
[00:12:30] Unknown:
Uh-huh. Hello, monsieur Abbott and monsieur Costello.
[00:12:33] Unknown:
Hello, my little dish of pancakes. Pancake? Why do you call me your little dish of pancakes? Because you're so nicely
[00:12:45] Unknown:
stacked. Cut that out, Costello.
[00:12:48] Unknown:
Phoebe, we need somebody to cook dinner tonight. What do you think? Phoebe, let me see if I can cook anything. I can make four leg Francaise, five dessert, five de peau gras, from legs. How about cement mixer?
[00:13:02] Unknown:
Just name anything you want, monsieur, and you can have it. Come over here and kiss your poor old father.
[00:13:18] Unknown:
Hello?
[00:13:19] Unknown:
My darling, Colorado, will be here in a few minutes. I told you to get into your butler suit, didn't I? Where in heaven's name did you get those striped pants? What's going on? The stripes are supposed to run up and down, not around. Oh, I bought I bought these from my uncle Petey Reed. He just fell out off the track. Oh, I knew you'd do something stupid. It's a good thing I sent to professor Melanhead coming here to teach you the duties of a butler. Now let's so wait a minute. That must be him now. Come in.
[00:13:42] Unknown:
Good evening, mister Abbott. Well, Costello, I understand that we only have a few minutes in which I can show you the finer points of catering. Now let's get busy. Mister Costello, if you have one little ounce of intelligence if you have one ounce of intelligence, I may be able to polish up your skill. One more crack like that and I'll polish up your skills. Costello, I'll have you know that I, Melon Head, was the greatest butler in the Dutch East Indies. I was known as Hair Von Mellenhutt. Now you're known as Von Hair Mellenhutt.
Get out of that tiny cone. In the bank, it looks like an empty empty empty car lot. Never mind what it looks like. And so we have no time to we have no time to wait. I suppose your dinner is ready. How would you announce it to the guest? I just yelled, the grub is here. Come on and get it. No. No. Nothing like that. You sat in the doorway, your chest thrown out, your head tilted back, and with your nose pointed at the ceiling, you say, dinner is now sir. Are you teaching me shuttler? Are you smelling something? I'm not telling you. I'm trying to teach you how to be a butler. Now how does the butler announce the dinner at your house? We haven't had a butler at our house. No butler. If you have no butler, how in heaven's name do you know when dinner is served? When my mother takes the iron five off the dining room door.
A fellow was impossible, mister Abbott. Why, he doesn't even look like a butler. Look at me. I have the proper physique. Look at my shape. Look at this leg. What a thigh. What a knee. What a calf. What an ankle. What a heel. What Love this melon ad. I've got a great idea. Why don't you stay and and be my butler tonight? I'm sorry, mister Abbott. I couldn't possibly remain under the same roof with this ignorant little nincompoop. Costello, I have a word of advice to you. With your limited intelligence, you better start saving your money. Remember, pennies grow into nickels, nickels is dime, diamonds is quarters, quarters and a half, thousands of dollars, dollars to $5.05, $6.07 of 577777777777777777777777777777777777 Good night.
What an ugly individual. I would say that, Cartel. There's something about Melon Head's face that grows on you. Glad it didn't grow on me. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Here's for Mickey. No. No. No. No. No. This must be Carlotta.
[00:16:11] Unknown:
Oh, ice is the door, Cartel. And for heaven's sake, remember you're my butler. I'm so nervous, Costello. Hand me a drink of water, will you please? Here you are. Here you are. Thanks. Well, I'm still nervous. I I can see my stomach jumping inside. Don't look now, but the water you just drank, I see goldfish in. Oh, you two answer the door.
[00:16:28] Unknown:
Good evening. My manager lost her in. Hey, Eric. Is this Halloween?
[00:16:34] Unknown:
I thought not. Lady, take off that mask. I'm not wearing a mask. I'm not wearing a mask. I'm not.
[00:16:42] Unknown:
I'm here for a dinner engagement with miss Reddy. Oh, you're missus Loganberry. Young man, the name is Hock Loganberry. It isn't strawberry. It isn't huckleberry.
[00:16:50] Unknown:
It's just, say, cranberry. Well, you better come in before they sit in the neighborhood, give me the raspberry.
[00:16:56] Unknown:
So what's going on here? Oh, oh, my dear, Carlotta. I'm so sorry. This young man is very new. One more remark from him, and he'll never get old. No. Don't say that.
[00:17:09] Unknown:
Take Carlotta's coat. Take a coat. Take her coat. Go ahead. Oh, me. Me? Excuse me. The wing just changed.
[00:17:18] Unknown:
Miss Levick, it was so nice that you'd ask me to dinner. All the pleasure is all mine, missus Franbury. Oh, please not missus Franbury.
[00:17:25] Unknown:
Just call me Cullotta. And you can call me, Buddy. Oh, and you can call me Carley.
[00:17:30] Unknown:
And you can call me,
[00:17:32] Unknown:
Budsy. And you can call me when this is over. What's Budsy, darling? Put him in person, man. I have a feeling that I've seen this butler someplace before. It could've been at the Hollywood Legion Stadium last Monday night. What would I be doing at the Legion Stadium? Weren't you in a semi wind up with the sweetest angel?
[00:17:51] Unknown:
Hello there, darling. I must go into the kitchen and see how dinner's coming. Castello, show missus Cranberry into the garden. Okay.
[00:18:04] Unknown:
Castello, what happened? Did you show missus Cranberry into the garden? Show her? I thought you should throw her. Speak to me, Colorado. Where are you? Oh, no. Here I am. Tuck them on the passage there. Which city is yours? I'm the one with the lipstick. If it's if it would think she didn't fall into the tomatoes, we'd have never found her.
[00:18:29] Unknown:
Come, Carlotta. I'll help you to a chair. Costello, please do something right. Put some romantic music on the Victrola. How about the beer barrel poker? Beer barrel poker. That isn't romantic. It is if you think you're there first.
[00:18:42] Unknown:
Well, Vignette, I can't turn that small of this. Turn that horrible person away. Priscilla, go in the kitchen and finish up preparing the food. Calada,
[00:18:49] Unknown:
sit down here at the piano and sing something
[00:18:53] Unknown:
for me. Oh, I'd be
[00:18:58] Unknown:
glad
[00:19:01] Unknown:
to. Hey. I've Hey, Adam. It's Chris that day before she ruins the dinner. What's your name again? John Monroe? Yummy. What's wrong with I see? You just soured three quarts of cream. Get out there in the kitchen and finish your cookie. Oh, Carletta.
[00:19:22] Unknown:
I have a question I want to
[00:19:25] Unknown:
What what what was that? Costello, what was that? I have a cannon in the kitchen. A cannon? What for? I'm selling to please. Get back in the kitchen. Oh, clutter. I've wanted this moment alone with you.
[00:19:44] Unknown:
Davis will be mine. Davis will marry me. Oh, but darling, I'm I'm young. I must get my parents in jail.
[00:19:51] Unknown:
Oh, darn that doorbell. Molly, a caterpillar.
[00:19:54] Unknown:
Just allow me to answer that door. Oh, I got it. I got it. There's a young man here to see missus Cranberry right this way. Albert, who you doing there? I just had to see you, grandma. Grandmama? Oh, oh, well, you stupid boy. I'm ruined. Who doesn't like to come here to see your grandma? You spoiled having slaughtered my life. Don't blame the kid, grandma. He just came here to do you a favor. What do you mean a favor? He told me he knew that you were coming here for dinner tonight, so we brought this for you. What is it? Your tea.
Hello. It is Ryan, and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chumbacasino.com. I looked over the person sitting next to me, and you know what they were doing? They were also playing Chumba casino. Coincidence? I think not. Everybody's loving having fun with it. Chumba Casino is home to hundreds of casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere, even at 30,000 feet. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com to claim your free welcome bonus at chumba casino dot com and live the Chumba life. No purchase necessary.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
With Lucky Lancelot,
[00:00:32] Unknown:
you can get lucky just about anywhere. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to has anyone seen the bride and groom?
[00:00:39] Unknown:
Sorry. Sorry. We're here. We were getting lucky in the limo, and we lost track of time.
[00:00:44] Unknown:
No. Lucky Land Casino with cash prizes that add up quicker than a guest registry.
[00:00:49] Unknown:
In that case, I pronounce you lucky.
[00:00:52] Unknown:
Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Daily bonuses are waiting. No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. See website for
[00:01:04] Unknown:
boy.
[00:01:19] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. Costello, where have you been for the past three days? You would go out of town when I need you. Do you realize this day is the most important day in my life, Costello? Yeah. I finally bought an engagement ring. Bought an engagement ring? Yes. You did? Yes, little old pal. Doesn't it thrill you? Doesn't it make you happy? Mhmm. Mhmm. Well, why why don't you say something? Yeah. But I I don't know what to say. Oh, come on. Say anything.
[00:01:43] Unknown:
I'm so young. I'll have to get my parents' consent. Yes.
[00:01:47] Unknown:
I mean, I didn't buy the ring for you. Tonight, I am proposing to the wealthy widow, missus Carlotta Cranberry. Carlotta? Yes. Lovely woman. She made her money selling used cars, you know. Oh, I see. A sorta used Carlotta. That's all of this is no joking matter. Carlotta is a beautiful girl.
[00:02:09] Unknown:
Oh, yeah. That's what you said about your first wife, Clementine.
[00:02:12] Unknown:
No. No. Don't talk about my first wife. Clementine was a good kid. Mhmm. When I met her, she was at puppies' office with a circus. Yeah. She was so pole legged. When she put her tight on, she looked like a pair of pliers with a band aid. Listen, Costello. Costello, can you listen to me? Clementine was a beautiful woman. Why?
[00:02:31] Unknown:
She could sway men with her back turned. Yes. Sway back some in time, they called her. Oh, my gosh. Pastella, what makes you so bitter about marriage? Oh, I don't believe in marriage habits. Marriage is like soup. Marriage is like soup? Yeah. After you get through spooning, it cools off.
[00:02:46] Unknown:
Come on with you, Your whole trouble, Lou.
[00:02:52] Unknown:
You don't know you don't know what love is. Yes. I did. Yes. I do. Yes. You did. Light up your mind. Do you know what love is? Yes. I do. Little birds make love. That we know. Little butterflies make love. Even peanuts make love. Peanuts make love? You'd be surprised what goes on inside those shells. Oh.
[00:03:20] Unknown:
I'm I'm talking about old fashioned romance. When I was calling my first ride, Clementine, there was a big grandfather's truck in the parlor, and we used to sit and listen with ticks. Uh-huh. It said,
[00:03:32] Unknown:
take your time. Take your time. Uh-huh. Take your time. Uh-huh. Take your time. Yeah. Tap it. Maybe cool, but, things are different with matter and love. What do you mean? Today when a fellow sits in a parlor with a girl, rubbing alarm, parking a man that says, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together, get together,
[00:03:59] Unknown:
get
[00:04:01] Unknown:
everybody said it was a perfect match. Match is right. She struck you and you went out like a light.
[00:04:07] Unknown:
Well, at least I'm not handpicked.
[00:04:09] Unknown:
Not handpicked? Before you were married, you used to snore. Now you tackle. Alrighty. Never mind my wife. My age. Will you stop that? Forget about my And I helped you to do it.
[00:04:23] Unknown:
Stop talking about those things and forget about my first wife. Now this marriage is going to be different. What a lovely girl Carlotta is. Every night I'll sneak into the parlor and catch her in my arms. Yes. Then you'll sneak into the bedroom and catch her in your pockets. I well, I don't wanna hear another remark about Carlotta Cranberry. He's a member of society. Did you ever rub shoulders with a 400? No. But I rubbed hips with a 500.
[00:04:46] Unknown:
Where where was that? At the Palladium. Oh, the black crust.
[00:04:50] Unknown:
That's all. I invited I invited Carlotta here for dinner tonight. She thinks that I'm a big shot, and I want you to act as my butler. Can you buggle? Can I what?
[00:04:59] Unknown:
Do you know how to buggle? Do I know how to buttle? Yes. I'll split a butler with any kind.
[00:05:06] Unknown:
I want you to serve the dinner.
[00:05:08] Unknown:
You understand, Lily? I want you to serve the dinner and and get our get out our finest dishes and silver. Have you seen my, sugar bowl? Have I seen your what? Have you seen my sugar bowl? No. But you first like him. No. No. No. You're gonna be messed up.
[00:05:22] Unknown:
You'll mess up the house. You'll mess up my whole evening home.
[00:05:29] Unknown:
Missus Tranmere will ask for an order, and you'll hand her a demitasse. Law school's trying to learn me demitasse. That word ain't demitasse. It's domestic. So it is Listen. Don't you know the first thing about etiquette? Now there you go with another one. That's not etiquette. It's the picketee. You don't have to tell me about a tickety abbot. I'll go out and buy that book by Emily Piller. You mean Emily Poche? I'll read the both of them. Yeah. I'll go from pillar to post. Oh, no. You don't have to read Emily Post. I'll tell you what to do. I'm up on all forms of social etiquette. Oh, you are? Oh, yes. I am. Well, let me ask you a question, Abbot. Now tell me this, Abbott. When you reach over to light a cigarette, would you light a cigarette with your right hand or your left hand? Good. I'll light it with my right hand, of course. That shows you how dopey you are. What do you mean? Most people use a mask.
Oh, god. Hey, Costello.
[00:06:29] Unknown:
Yeah. Costello. Now, missus Cranberry, I do hear at 08:00 in this my cook's day off. Can you imagine that? Now where am I going to get somebody to cook? I'll call Lana Turner right away. Oh, Costello. Lana Turner can't cook. Yeah. Which brings me to a boil. Alright. When you talk then, Costello, I have to get some food right away. I'll tell you what you do. You go around the corner to that little restaurant. You'll see a sign in the window that says mother's home cooking. I'm going to ask for mother. Okay. I'll go right in. And tell me when I what
[00:06:55] Unknown:
does the sign say? It says mother's home cooking. Oh, why should I go in the restaurant and ask for mother if she's home cooking? Mother isn't home cooking. Where is she? She's in the restaurant. Didn't you just tell me that the sign said mother's home cooking? That's right. Then how could she be in the restaurant? Does mother live there? No. She lives at home. Then what's she doing in the restaurant? Home cooking. Apple time is making an awful liar out of mother.
[00:07:20] Unknown:
Wait a minute. It's after 06:00. The restaurant is closed anyway. Mother wouldn't be there. What would mother be? Well, she's probably, home cooking.
[00:07:29] Unknown:
Let me smell your breath.
[00:07:32] Unknown:
Come on, Catell. We haven't got a minute to lose. We'd have to go around to our friends and find somebody to cook the dinner or dig up some food. Yes. Let me o my old girlfriend, touch a tinfoil. Maybe she could help us out. Well, come on. Let's go over to her house. Well, here's Tessie Tinfoil's house. I hope she's home. Go ahead and knock.
[00:07:54] Unknown:
Men, come in. Hello, Tessie.
[00:08:02] Unknown:
Hello, miss Abbott. And there you are, my satisfied lover boy, Louis. Come to me. Let me hold you in my arms. Let me crush you to me.
[00:08:10] Unknown:
Will say something, miss lover boy. How can I? You got your knee on my chest. Let me up.
[00:08:20] Unknown:
Oh, anyway. I'll let you came to take me for a ride along the beach. It'll be so romantic. We'll drive to some out of the way place where you can make love to me. I'm very appealing over candlelighted wine.
[00:08:32] Unknown:
You wouldn't appeal to me over beer and a flashlight.
[00:08:42] Unknown:
Jesse, I came to you for help. I'm entertaining a big society woman for dinner tonight, and I have no cook. Could you help me out? Oh, I'd love to, mister Abbott, but I have never been able to cook. I'll never forget the first meal I ever cooked. My husband sat down and ate it and left me. You mean he walked out on you? Why? No. He didn't walk out. Six men carried him out.
[00:09:03] Unknown:
Hey, look, Abbot. Maybe Scotty's wife's home, and maybe we can get her to help you. Come on. I'll knock on the door. Go ahead. What do you want? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What are you doing here? Where's Strutty? Strutty is out of town. He went to San Francisco.
[00:09:19] Unknown:
San
[00:09:21] Unknown:
Francisco? Pismo Beach. We went down there and hired a boat to go out on the walk on the walk on the walk. Water? No. Thanks. I don't wanna rush my stomach. Look, mister. I'm in a spot. I need somebody to cook my dinner. Oh, you came to the right place. Yep. I'd make a wonderful stew.
[00:09:55] Unknown:
Hey. Look, Crustell. The actress, Cessie Mae Moontre, just pulled up in front of her apartment.
[00:10:00] Unknown:
Yoo hoo. The bestie. Oh, good evening, boys. Isn't this a lovely, balmy evening? I love to see the sunset behind the Holywood Hills.
[00:10:12] Unknown:
Isn't it too too enchanting? Oh, yes. It's just too too the bean. It is too too the bean, an utterly picturesque queen.
[00:10:23] Unknown:
Betsy, I'm in terrible trouble. I'm trying to find somebody to cook first tonight. Could you help us out? Oh, goodness. No. I'm one of those helpless domes.
[00:10:32] Unknown:
This morning, I even burned my ham.
[00:10:35] Unknown:
Ham? Oh, sure. I mean, you know what ham is. You'll fry it with oops and sprinkle it with salt and pepper.
[00:10:48] Unknown:
I finally wound up with just a glass of milk and a cruller. Why you poor, poor law?
[00:10:54] Unknown:
You mean you didn't have butter tooth?
[00:10:57] Unknown:
But, Buzz, you can't you help us out at all. We have to have some food. Well, all I have in the house is some star crust, some raspberry jam, and some pizza cooler. Pizza cooler.
[00:11:08] Unknown:
Oh, whatever. Give me a kiss. I'll feed them a soda poo pipe.
[00:11:14] Unknown:
Well, I must drop in for my evening bar. I hope you have good luck with your dinner. And as they say in Russian have with that last joke. Well, as they say in Russian,
[00:11:29] Unknown:
to you. And a pair of my old britches to your tail.
[00:11:36] Unknown:
Costello, what am I going to do? My lovely Carla, her will be at the house in exactly an hour and a half. And where am I going to get a cook? I have a only one place left. Where? I guess you'll have to ask missus Niles.
[00:11:48] Unknown:
Oh, hello, boy. Gee, missus Niles. This is the first time I ever saw you in flats. You have a nice shape. Wait a minute, Costello. My wife isn't here. Oh, pardon me, Ken. I can recognize you without your leash. Quiet.
[00:11:59] Unknown:
Quiet, Costello. Where is missus Niles? Well, she went downtown to get a beauty treatment. She's being offered a job as a cover girl.
[00:12:07] Unknown:
Magazine or manhole?
[00:12:16] Unknown:
Quiet. Just a little bit, please. Ken, do you know where I can get somebody to cook dinner for my girlfriend and me? Well, no. I don't. The only one in the house is a French maid, Cici. Oh, wait a minute. I'll ask her if she can cook. Oh, Dizzy. Yes, monsieur Niles.
[00:12:30] Unknown:
Uh-huh. Hello, monsieur Abbott and monsieur Costello.
[00:12:33] Unknown:
Hello, my little dish of pancakes. Pancake? Why do you call me your little dish of pancakes? Because you're so nicely
[00:12:45] Unknown:
stacked. Cut that out, Costello.
[00:12:48] Unknown:
Phoebe, we need somebody to cook dinner tonight. What do you think? Phoebe, let me see if I can cook anything. I can make four leg Francaise, five dessert, five de peau gras, from legs. How about cement mixer?
[00:13:02] Unknown:
Just name anything you want, monsieur, and you can have it. Come over here and kiss your poor old father.
[00:13:18] Unknown:
Hello?
[00:13:19] Unknown:
My darling, Colorado, will be here in a few minutes. I told you to get into your butler suit, didn't I? Where in heaven's name did you get those striped pants? What's going on? The stripes are supposed to run up and down, not around. Oh, I bought I bought these from my uncle Petey Reed. He just fell out off the track. Oh, I knew you'd do something stupid. It's a good thing I sent to professor Melanhead coming here to teach you the duties of a butler. Now let's so wait a minute. That must be him now. Come in.
[00:13:42] Unknown:
Good evening, mister Abbott. Well, Costello, I understand that we only have a few minutes in which I can show you the finer points of catering. Now let's get busy. Mister Costello, if you have one little ounce of intelligence if you have one ounce of intelligence, I may be able to polish up your skill. One more crack like that and I'll polish up your skills. Costello, I'll have you know that I, Melon Head, was the greatest butler in the Dutch East Indies. I was known as Hair Von Mellenhutt. Now you're known as Von Hair Mellenhutt.
Get out of that tiny cone. In the bank, it looks like an empty empty empty car lot. Never mind what it looks like. And so we have no time to we have no time to wait. I suppose your dinner is ready. How would you announce it to the guest? I just yelled, the grub is here. Come on and get it. No. No. Nothing like that. You sat in the doorway, your chest thrown out, your head tilted back, and with your nose pointed at the ceiling, you say, dinner is now sir. Are you teaching me shuttler? Are you smelling something? I'm not telling you. I'm trying to teach you how to be a butler. Now how does the butler announce the dinner at your house? We haven't had a butler at our house. No butler. If you have no butler, how in heaven's name do you know when dinner is served? When my mother takes the iron five off the dining room door.
A fellow was impossible, mister Abbott. Why, he doesn't even look like a butler. Look at me. I have the proper physique. Look at my shape. Look at this leg. What a thigh. What a knee. What a calf. What an ankle. What a heel. What Love this melon ad. I've got a great idea. Why don't you stay and and be my butler tonight? I'm sorry, mister Abbott. I couldn't possibly remain under the same roof with this ignorant little nincompoop. Costello, I have a word of advice to you. With your limited intelligence, you better start saving your money. Remember, pennies grow into nickels, nickels is dime, diamonds is quarters, quarters and a half, thousands of dollars, dollars to $5.05, $6.07 of 577777777777777777777777777777777777 Good night.
What an ugly individual. I would say that, Cartel. There's something about Melon Head's face that grows on you. Glad it didn't grow on me. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Here's for Mickey. No. No. No. No. No. This must be Carlotta.
[00:16:11] Unknown:
Oh, ice is the door, Cartel. And for heaven's sake, remember you're my butler. I'm so nervous, Costello. Hand me a drink of water, will you please? Here you are. Here you are. Thanks. Well, I'm still nervous. I I can see my stomach jumping inside. Don't look now, but the water you just drank, I see goldfish in. Oh, you two answer the door.
[00:16:28] Unknown:
Good evening. My manager lost her in. Hey, Eric. Is this Halloween?
[00:16:34] Unknown:
I thought not. Lady, take off that mask. I'm not wearing a mask. I'm not wearing a mask. I'm not.
[00:16:42] Unknown:
I'm here for a dinner engagement with miss Reddy. Oh, you're missus Loganberry. Young man, the name is Hock Loganberry. It isn't strawberry. It isn't huckleberry.
[00:16:50] Unknown:
It's just, say, cranberry. Well, you better come in before they sit in the neighborhood, give me the raspberry.
[00:16:56] Unknown:
So what's going on here? Oh, oh, my dear, Carlotta. I'm so sorry. This young man is very new. One more remark from him, and he'll never get old. No. Don't say that.
[00:17:09] Unknown:
Take Carlotta's coat. Take a coat. Take her coat. Go ahead. Oh, me. Me? Excuse me. The wing just changed.
[00:17:18] Unknown:
Miss Levick, it was so nice that you'd ask me to dinner. All the pleasure is all mine, missus Franbury. Oh, please not missus Franbury.
[00:17:25] Unknown:
Just call me Cullotta. And you can call me, Buddy. Oh, and you can call me Carley.
[00:17:30] Unknown:
And you can call me,
[00:17:32] Unknown:
Budsy. And you can call me when this is over. What's Budsy, darling? Put him in person, man. I have a feeling that I've seen this butler someplace before. It could've been at the Hollywood Legion Stadium last Monday night. What would I be doing at the Legion Stadium? Weren't you in a semi wind up with the sweetest angel?
[00:17:51] Unknown:
Hello there, darling. I must go into the kitchen and see how dinner's coming. Castello, show missus Cranberry into the garden. Okay.
[00:18:04] Unknown:
Castello, what happened? Did you show missus Cranberry into the garden? Show her? I thought you should throw her. Speak to me, Colorado. Where are you? Oh, no. Here I am. Tuck them on the passage there. Which city is yours? I'm the one with the lipstick. If it's if it would think she didn't fall into the tomatoes, we'd have never found her.
[00:18:29] Unknown:
Come, Carlotta. I'll help you to a chair. Costello, please do something right. Put some romantic music on the Victrola. How about the beer barrel poker? Beer barrel poker. That isn't romantic. It is if you think you're there first.
[00:18:42] Unknown:
Well, Vignette, I can't turn that small of this. Turn that horrible person away. Priscilla, go in the kitchen and finish up preparing the food. Calada,
[00:18:49] Unknown:
sit down here at the piano and sing something
[00:18:53] Unknown:
for me. Oh, I'd be
[00:18:58] Unknown:
glad
[00:19:01] Unknown:
to. Hey. I've Hey, Adam. It's Chris that day before she ruins the dinner. What's your name again? John Monroe? Yummy. What's wrong with I see? You just soured three quarts of cream. Get out there in the kitchen and finish your cookie. Oh, Carletta.
[00:19:22] Unknown:
I have a question I want to
[00:19:25] Unknown:
What what what was that? Costello, what was that? I have a cannon in the kitchen. A cannon? What for? I'm selling to please. Get back in the kitchen. Oh, clutter. I've wanted this moment alone with you.
[00:19:44] Unknown:
Davis will be mine. Davis will marry me. Oh, but darling, I'm I'm young. I must get my parents in jail.
[00:19:51] Unknown:
Oh, darn that doorbell. Molly, a caterpillar.
[00:19:54] Unknown:
Just allow me to answer that door. Oh, I got it. I got it. There's a young man here to see missus Cranberry right this way. Albert, who you doing there? I just had to see you, grandma. Grandmama? Oh, oh, well, you stupid boy. I'm ruined. Who doesn't like to come here to see your grandma? You spoiled having slaughtered my life. Don't blame the kid, grandma. He just came here to do you a favor. What do you mean a favor? He told me he knew that you were coming here for dinner tonight, so we brought this for you. What is it? Your tea.
