In this episode, we dive into a classic comedy skit featuring the iconic duo Abbott and Costello. The humorous exchange revolves around Costello's misadventures with a dog given to him as a Christmas present by Mrs. Niles. The skit is filled with witty banter, misunderstandings, and clever wordplay as Costello finds himself in a series of comedic predicaments, including a courtroom scene where he hilariously attempts to defend himself against accusations of mistreating the dog.
Listeners are treated to a showcase of Abbott and Costello's comedic timing and chemistry, as they navigate through a series of escalating situations. The episode captures the essence of classic radio comedy, with its rapid-fire jokes and slapstick humor. Whether it's Costello's interactions with the dog or his attempts to negotiate his salary with Abbott, the episode is a delightful throwback to a bygone era of entertainment, sure to bring laughter to audiences of all ages.
(00:15) Introduction and Brightening Your Day
(00:49) Costello's Christmas Dog Dilemma
(06:26) Legal Troubles and Salary Dispute
(12:17) Courtroom Chaos and Legal Comedy
(21:00) Resolution and Final Twist
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Webb Costell, here it is the last program of nineteen forty three, and you're late again. I don't know where have you been. Oh, Abbott's worst thing just happened to me. No. Yeah. Missus Niles, give me a dog for Christmas present, and the dog just took a great big bite out of me. Where did he bite you? Well, if I had been wearing a license plate, he'd have got the last three numbers. Where where where did this happen? Well, let me see now. Where did this happen? In a crowded street car. It's the first time I ever gave my street to a dog. Not yet.
No. Never mind that. What kind of a dog, did missus Niles give you? Well, do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart? Yes. I remember Strongheart. Well, this was his brother. Weak stomach. Listen. I'm not talking about that. Well, what is the dog's breed? What is his breed? Yeah. He breeds to his nose like you and me. No. No. No. You dummy. What type of a dog is he? A spitz? No. But he drools a little. Look. There are different types of dog, such as, setters and pointers. That's it. That's that's what he is. He's a setter pointer. A setter pointer? Yes. He sits all day and points at the icebox. Hey. That's the dog now. I have it. She's out in the hall. Come on, Rover.
Come on, Rover. Come on in the door. I said come in the door, not through the door. Like Costello. Blue, this is a wonderful dog. Yeah. Listen, Tom. Just my luck to get a dog with asthma. I'll cut that out. I'm going to show you how to handle dogs. Come here, Rover. Tell me. How much is, 1 and 1? Do you hear that, Gustavo? I I heard this. I was here. I'll try again. Rover, how much is, 2 n 2? I told you he was a smart, I'm gonna see if he's really smart, Adam. Rover, what time is it? Quarter to four. Pastella, isn't that the most wonderful thing you ever heard of? A talking dog. Talking dog. Wait till I get the phone. Hello? Yes? What? Oh, you don't think so, Okay, smarty. Goodbye.
How do I get that? I bet that was a friend of mine. He doesn't think there's anything wonderful about a talking dog. Who's your friend? Oh, just a horse. Come in and make it funny. It's costing camels a lot of money. Oh, it's canal. Well, if it isn't the spirit of 76 pounds. Oh, yeah? Look who is talking. Listen, fat boy. Why don't you unbutton your vest and open up a second front? Very funny, Skinny. Very funny. No. Costello, Ken Niles is not skinny. Not skinny, He once worked in an aloe factory. He used to crawl from the olive and pull the finesse and win after him. But pay no attention to Costello, Ken. I'm ashamed of him. He doesn't even appreciate the wonderful dog your wife gave him for Christmas. Yeah. And what's more, he didn't even thank her for it. Oh, yes. I did. I even kissed your wife on top of her head. Why didn't you kiss her on the lips? Her head is much smoother.
[00:04:22] Unknown:
Oh, I heard that, miss Mark Costello. Why I ought to give you a thrashing little shrimp. Me? A shrimp? Yes. You're a shrimp. You only cut to my chin. Which one? Oh.
[00:04:33] Unknown:
Oh,
[00:04:34] Unknown:
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
[00:04:40] Unknown:
don't look now, but your Social Security slip is showing. That's how happy you talk like that to missus Niles after the nice present she gave you for Christmas when you gave her nothing? Oh, I don't know why you say nothing. Didn't I give her a picture get her picture published in a paper? Yes. But look where they put it, in the racing news. Well, ain't that the goat sheep?
[00:05:03] Unknown:
Oh,
[00:05:04] Unknown:
just look at this picture. Leave right there under it. Why not take that? Oh, look what it says. This snag showed great promise as a three year old, but it's now running in cheap company. That's all. That's an insult. It most certainly is, and I'm leaving. Then take the dog, Rover, will you? Every time he looks at me, he bites me. Oh, that's silly. Rover hasn't got a tooth in his mouth. I know that. They're all in my league.
[00:05:28] Unknown:
You can't talk that way about Rover. Why, I love that little dog almost much as I do, Kenneth.
[00:05:33] Unknown:
Even more. You gave him a longer leash.
[00:05:39] Unknown:
Come on, Rover. I'm taking you home, and don't even look at mister Costello.
[00:05:44] Unknown:
I mean, get out of here. Evan, he tricked me again.
[00:05:52] Unknown:
Please go. Put out of Rover's mouth. You're trying to choke him. Hastello.
[00:06:00] Unknown:
Hastello, leave that dog alone. He won't leave it. Put that ass dog, Hastello. Just because you don't like me, you're trying to choke poor Rover. You're regretting this. I'll drag you through every court in the land. I'll even take it to the supreme court, and I'll stand before the judge and tell him my story. And when the judge looks into my face, what do you think he'll say?
[00:06:23] Unknown:
Come on, doctor. I'll let you busy. Come on. Let's get busy. Missus Niles will be here soon with a warrant for your arrest for choking that dog. Yeah. But I've told you before, no. I didn't choke the dog. He tricked me. I know that, but you need a lawyer. We've got to find a good barrister. A what? Don't you know what a barrister is? Oh, yeah. I used to slide down a barrister when I was a kid. Don't be silly. A barrister is a legal expert. The greatest barrister of all times was, Gladstone. I suppose you never heard of Gladstone? Oh, sorry. I heard of Gladstone. My uncle had Gladstone, but he had to have them cut out. Oh, how can you talk nonsense when you may have to face a listen. Would you listen to me, please? Yeah. How can you talk all this nonsense when you may have to face a lawsuit for thousands of dollars? And where do you expect to get the money? Why do you say, where do you expect to get the money? You know where I expect to get the money. What do you mean? You're gonna help me out. How can I help you? I'm a pauper. A pauper?
Congratulations. What is it, a boy or girl? Never mind that. I'd still like to know where you're going to get the money. Now, Emmett, you know I got the money coming. Now this is the end of the year. No more after this. What do you mean? You know, three hundred and sixty five days in a year. Well, I know that. I'm working for you, and you owe me a whole year's salary. Wait a minute. 365,000. You owe me a dollar a day or something. Let's straighten this out. Pay me out. Just a minute. You say you worked three hundred and sixty five days for me, and you want to be reimbursed. Look. I don't wanna burst anything.
Just give me my money. $365. I'll get out. Hand over some of those Morgenthau MASH notes. Alright. Look. Now don't get excited. Take it easy. Now listen. How many hours a day did you work? Eight hours a day. And how many hours are there in a day? Look. Now, Adam, don't try to put anything over on me. There's twenty four hours in a day off of February, which has twenty eight. You're absolutely right. Twenty four hours in a day. But by working eight hours a day, you really only work one third of each day. Is that right? That's according to the way you figure it. Well, one third of 03/1965 is about $121.
So you actually only have a hundred and $21 coming to you. That's the way I reckon it. You sure are wrecking it. Come on. Get it up. Give me the stove. Well, you did have a hundred and $21 coming to you, but I know there was a button. But you didn't work Sundays, did you? No. I had a ticket to York to wash my lingerie. No. Alright. There are 52 Sundays in a year deduct 52 from a hundred and $21, which leaves $69 coming to you. You're sure that? Positive. You see, I don't want you to cheat yourself. Now that's mighty nice, have you? To look out for my interest. I might as well look out for yours. You already wrecked mine. Come on, Abbot. Give me the money. Get up something, will you? Alright. I'd be glad to give you the $69.
But Paul, hold on to your hat. Here we go again. Look, Abbott. Give me a couple of dollars. How's that? Well, you must admit you only worked a half a day on Saturday. Isn't that right, partner? Partner. Now that I'm losing money, I'm a partner. Look. Will you give me a dollar? I'll still give me a half a fuck. Now wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just a second. Just a minute. Wait a minute. Where was I? You just had a towhole on my $69. Oh, yes. Yes. Happy day on Saturdays. 52 Saturdays in a year. One half of 52 is at 26. So you will, deduct 26 from 69, leaving the sum of, $43.
Sum of. Yes. Sum of. If I get sum of it, I'll be lucky. The fuck has it. Give me a quarter. Will you let me have a quarter? Give me 20¢. Well, now wait a minute. I got out of here with something. Now wait a minute. Just a minute. There's still a balance of $43, but Stop fucking. You're getting my goat. But you took a two weeks vacation, didn't you? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Last fourteen days. Take 14 from $43, leaving you the exact sum of, $29. Look at it. Will you give me a dime? Is that asking too much? Will you give me a Well, I give me anything. Listen. I give you the $29 for it. Now I know it as good as you do.
How much time did you take off for lunch? Oh, this is gonna run into money. I took off one hour a day. Very well. Three hundred and sixty five hours is equal to fifteen days, I take. You might as well take it. You've taken everything out. Well $55.40 5, 40 5. Now I know it better than you do. Look at it. Give me some when you give me a nickel What do you mean? 4 pennies. What do you mean give you a 4p? Look. Can you spare a rat this kid? I'll ask you. Maybe it's not a, mothball. A mothball? Look. Is it accurate? Give me a sardine. Go ahead. Missus Niles is gonna have me in a can anyway. Just a minute.
Just a minute. Let's straighten this thing out. There are 13 holidays in a year which you didn't work. And, as you only have $14 coming to you, we deduct the 13 from the 14, leaving you the exact sum of $1. Here you are, my dear friend, and good luck to you. Nice work, Evan. I need money for a lawyer because missus Niles is gonna throw me in jail, and you're giving me only a dollar. Let's have no more words about it. 1 measly dollar after I worked as late for you for a whole year. I always pay my obligations. Here's your dollar. I wouldn't mind, Abbott. I wouldn't care if it was just for me alone.
I need more than a dollar. I got another mouth. Elvis, your troubles are not my wait a minute. You what? I have another mouth to feed. Another mouth to feed? You never told me that. I know it. Why you've been with me all this time, Costello. And now you tell me you have another mouth to feed? I didn't want windshield to give it. Why didn't you tell me that before? I was ashamed. Oh, you you fortunate fellow. That's nothing to be ashamed of. I I was only kidding about the other money here. Here's your $365. To show you that my heart's in the right place, here's $50 of my own.
You should be so happy. What is it? A boy or a girl? A goldfish. Get out of here. Costello. Costello, where are you?
[00:12:18] Unknown:
Here I am.
[00:12:19] Unknown:
Listen. Missus Niles will be here any minute at the place you want to arrest. But don't worry. I hired a lawyer to defend you. I got my own personal mouthpiece. You mean your wife? No. No. When I say mouthpiece, I mean someone who argues, shoots off his mouth, and lays down the law. That's still your wife.
[00:12:39] Unknown:
There's there's the man who took my dog, that little fat one. This is Oliver Sturchees of the animal aid society. Mister Sturchees, arrest that man. Very well, mister Costello. You're under arrest. What's that? Come with me.
[00:12:51] Unknown:
I won't. Oh, darn it. Nobody ever wants to come along. Now leave us, please. Did you either come with me or pay the usual fine of $1? Oh, just a dollar. Did you hear that, Adam? I can get out of the whole thing for a dollar. Here you are, mister Storchees. I'd be glad to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to settle. Paying that money would be an admission of your guilt. Shut up, Adam. Now wait a minute. Just a minute. I hired a lawyer for you after eight get out of this for a dollar. Just a minute. I've hired your lawyer. He's an outstanding member of the bar, a learned counselor, and an expert at jurisprudence. His very voice has been known to spell by the jury. I can hear him now say How do you do?
Castello, this is your attorney. Bert Gordon, the mad Russian. Gentleman, my card. Let me read that. Bert Gordon, attorney at law, DBTC. What does the DBTC mean? Don't bend the card. Listen, Costello. The Russian is going to give you some advice. No. That is correct. Mister Castoria, there are there are two courses in giving legal advice, of course and be course. Of course, you don't have to take my advice, and because if you do, you'll have to pay for it. Hey. Yeah. But this guy ain't no lawyer. Don't say that. Dad, don't say. When I went to college, they gave me a five bedded japa key. Does it fit the hole in your head?
Please, Costello. He's no college man. Mine, dear you. I'll have you understand. I went to bachelor. Bachelor's a bachelor's school for girls, a grad school. I found it out, one day when I was taught as storage a bunch of laundry. Now see here, mister Costello.
[00:14:49] Unknown:
Get me another lawyer.
[00:14:52] Unknown:
Give me one. Mister Costello, I'm waiting. Are you going to pay the fine of $1 or not? Okay. Here's your balance, George. Just a minute, mister Gainsmello. I forbid you to pay that particular dollar. Well, he's very fortunate to get off for just a dollar after the way he insulted me. Why? But he choked my little dog and tear ran down my cheek. Yes, ma'am. It took one look at your face and ran right back up again. Costello, why don't you listen to the Russian? Yes. Why not? You see, from the legal point of view, if you if you should pay this dollar, it would be absolutely perpendicular. Perpendicular? What does that mean?
[00:15:31] Unknown:
How dare you?
[00:15:34] Unknown:
Oh, this is ridiculous. Come, missus Ortiz. We're taking this case to court. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, missus Niles. I'm gonna pay the dollar. It's too late. Follow what you did, Abbott. You and your phony lawyer. Don't be silly. The Russian is one of the greatest lawyers in the world. That is correct. In my first case, I defended Dreyfus. Dreyfus? I'll put Dreyfus of Devil's Island. No records, Dreyfus from from Coney Island. Say, mister Castile, don't, don't worry about your thing when I'm here. I'm a great intellectual. My stock and trade is brains.
You got a funny looking sample case. Now stop those remarks, Costello. Get a load of his ears. What's wrong with them? Looks like the winner's blowing from his back. It's very funny. Very funny? Yes. You think it's funny? Yeah. Didn't I see you flying over Pomona? No. To Glendale. What happened? What happened? Didn't happen to our dog. Logan, will you please take this down, O'Roshen? Go down to the court and settle the case. Overmind that body. Remember the words of that old saying. Hastemates. Go ahead. There's more.
Well, come on, Costello. Let's go down to the court and fight this case. We'll win in no time. Court of comment, please, now in session. Case Niles versus Castello. Mister Gordon may question the defendant. Thank you. You're out of now mister Cantelio, do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? I do. I object. You object. I just tell you nothing yet. Uh-huh. Cutsello, shut up. You keep out of this. Heather, sit me out of here. Will you? Will you pay this out? Your honor, you have heard your testimony. How can you call my client guilty? But I didn't call him guilty. Then why are you wasting my time?
The court finds the defendant, Lou Costello, guilty, and the fine is $1 or thirty days. We won't pay the fine, Costello. No. We'll appeal the case to a higher court. I got plenty of time. You just got some for me too. Have it for your fees, just a man a dollar. Please give him a dollar. Supreme Court now in session. First case, Niles versus Castello. Prisoner will set to the bar. Castello, are the chains heavy? No. Would you mind holding this hundred pound ball? Abbott. Get the auditors. Please pay that 1 measly dollar. Order in the court. Remember, I am justice.
And I'm justice too. Justice who? Just as good as you are. You can't speak that way to me, young man. I've been sitting on this bench for twenty years. Oh, just naturally lazy, Wait. Wait. Let me handle this case. Mister Kendall, please tell the judge and jury the story of your life. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen. That's enough. What a short life. Your honor, my client would never hurt a dog. Mister Cornello, tell the judge about your own little dog. Okay. I once had a little dog. Did he have long wavy hair? Uh-huh. And did he have a cold nose?
Uh-huh. And did he have very big ear? Oh, yes. Your honor, I would like your honor, I would like to ask my client just one question. Request granted. Thank you. Mister Castellanos, tell me something. Where were you on the night of 12/23/1943? I was home. You should have been with me. I had a wonderful time. Did you say press Alcatraz. Here I come. The court has considered the new evidence in this case. Prisoner Costello, when you placed your foot in the dog's mouth, you gave him hydrophobia, after which he bit two people who died immediately. Therefore, new Costello, you are found guilty of murder in the second degree, and it is the sentence of this court that you shall spend the rest of your natural life on the rock pile.
Abbott, Please pay the dollar. Right this way, gentlemen. Only five minutes for the prisoner. Get me out of here. Costello, listen. We've got some news for you. Absolutely. I just came from the capital. I saw the governor. And what did he say? Pay the dollar. That's why I've been trying to tell you. Now now don't get excited, Costello.
[00:21:13] Unknown:
Missus Niles, what are you doing here? Well, mister George, he said I went to the governor, paid the dollar, and now everything's all straightened up. Costello, you're a free man.
[00:21:23] Unknown:
Jeez. You only pronounce that. Thanks, miss Miles. Yes, Costello. We're sorry it all happened. So as a surprise, We brought a friend of yours to see you. Say hello to mister Costello, Rover. Rover? Castello. Castello, you sick me again. Castello, you sick me. I'm sorry. You've got your foot in the dog's mouth. You're joking, Rover, again. Castello, you're under arrest. That'll cost you a dollar. Don't pay the pardon. We'll take it to the highest court. Here we go again. Let me out of here. Let me out of here.
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Webb Costell, here it is the last program of nineteen forty three, and you're late again. I don't know where have you been. Oh, Abbott's worst thing just happened to me. No. Yeah. Missus Niles, give me a dog for Christmas present, and the dog just took a great big bite out of me. Where did he bite you? Well, if I had been wearing a license plate, he'd have got the last three numbers. Where where where did this happen? Well, let me see now. Where did this happen? In a crowded street car. It's the first time I ever gave my street to a dog. Not yet.
No. Never mind that. What kind of a dog, did missus Niles give you? Well, do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart? Yes. I remember Strongheart. Well, this was his brother. Weak stomach. Listen. I'm not talking about that. Well, what is the dog's breed? What is his breed? Yeah. He breeds to his nose like you and me. No. No. No. You dummy. What type of a dog is he? A spitz? No. But he drools a little. Look. There are different types of dog, such as, setters and pointers. That's it. That's that's what he is. He's a setter pointer. A setter pointer? Yes. He sits all day and points at the icebox. Hey. That's the dog now. I have it. She's out in the hall. Come on, Rover.
Come on, Rover. Come on in the door. I said come in the door, not through the door. Like Costello. Blue, this is a wonderful dog. Yeah. Listen, Tom. Just my luck to get a dog with asthma. I'll cut that out. I'm going to show you how to handle dogs. Come here, Rover. Tell me. How much is, 1 and 1? Do you hear that, Gustavo? I I heard this. I was here. I'll try again. Rover, how much is, 2 n 2? I told you he was a smart, I'm gonna see if he's really smart, Adam. Rover, what time is it? Quarter to four. Pastella, isn't that the most wonderful thing you ever heard of? A talking dog. Talking dog. Wait till I get the phone. Hello? Yes? What? Oh, you don't think so, Okay, smarty. Goodbye.
How do I get that? I bet that was a friend of mine. He doesn't think there's anything wonderful about a talking dog. Who's your friend? Oh, just a horse. Come in and make it funny. It's costing camels a lot of money. Oh, it's canal. Well, if it isn't the spirit of 76 pounds. Oh, yeah? Look who is talking. Listen, fat boy. Why don't you unbutton your vest and open up a second front? Very funny, Skinny. Very funny. No. Costello, Ken Niles is not skinny. Not skinny, He once worked in an aloe factory. He used to crawl from the olive and pull the finesse and win after him. But pay no attention to Costello, Ken. I'm ashamed of him. He doesn't even appreciate the wonderful dog your wife gave him for Christmas. Yeah. And what's more, he didn't even thank her for it. Oh, yes. I did. I even kissed your wife on top of her head. Why didn't you kiss her on the lips? Her head is much smoother.
[00:04:22] Unknown:
Oh, I heard that, miss Mark Costello. Why I ought to give you a thrashing little shrimp. Me? A shrimp? Yes. You're a shrimp. You only cut to my chin. Which one? Oh.
[00:04:33] Unknown:
Oh,
[00:04:34] Unknown:
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
[00:04:40] Unknown:
don't look now, but your Social Security slip is showing. That's how happy you talk like that to missus Niles after the nice present she gave you for Christmas when you gave her nothing? Oh, I don't know why you say nothing. Didn't I give her a picture get her picture published in a paper? Yes. But look where they put it, in the racing news. Well, ain't that the goat sheep?
[00:05:03] Unknown:
Oh,
[00:05:04] Unknown:
just look at this picture. Leave right there under it. Why not take that? Oh, look what it says. This snag showed great promise as a three year old, but it's now running in cheap company. That's all. That's an insult. It most certainly is, and I'm leaving. Then take the dog, Rover, will you? Every time he looks at me, he bites me. Oh, that's silly. Rover hasn't got a tooth in his mouth. I know that. They're all in my league.
[00:05:28] Unknown:
You can't talk that way about Rover. Why, I love that little dog almost much as I do, Kenneth.
[00:05:33] Unknown:
Even more. You gave him a longer leash.
[00:05:39] Unknown:
Come on, Rover. I'm taking you home, and don't even look at mister Costello.
[00:05:44] Unknown:
I mean, get out of here. Evan, he tricked me again.
[00:05:52] Unknown:
Please go. Put out of Rover's mouth. You're trying to choke him. Hastello.
[00:06:00] Unknown:
Hastello, leave that dog alone. He won't leave it. Put that ass dog, Hastello. Just because you don't like me, you're trying to choke poor Rover. You're regretting this. I'll drag you through every court in the land. I'll even take it to the supreme court, and I'll stand before the judge and tell him my story. And when the judge looks into my face, what do you think he'll say?
[00:06:23] Unknown:
Come on, doctor. I'll let you busy. Come on. Let's get busy. Missus Niles will be here soon with a warrant for your arrest for choking that dog. Yeah. But I've told you before, no. I didn't choke the dog. He tricked me. I know that, but you need a lawyer. We've got to find a good barrister. A what? Don't you know what a barrister is? Oh, yeah. I used to slide down a barrister when I was a kid. Don't be silly. A barrister is a legal expert. The greatest barrister of all times was, Gladstone. I suppose you never heard of Gladstone? Oh, sorry. I heard of Gladstone. My uncle had Gladstone, but he had to have them cut out. Oh, how can you talk nonsense when you may have to face a listen. Would you listen to me, please? Yeah. How can you talk all this nonsense when you may have to face a lawsuit for thousands of dollars? And where do you expect to get the money? Why do you say, where do you expect to get the money? You know where I expect to get the money. What do you mean? You're gonna help me out. How can I help you? I'm a pauper. A pauper?
Congratulations. What is it, a boy or girl? Never mind that. I'd still like to know where you're going to get the money. Now, Emmett, you know I got the money coming. Now this is the end of the year. No more after this. What do you mean? You know, three hundred and sixty five days in a year. Well, I know that. I'm working for you, and you owe me a whole year's salary. Wait a minute. 365,000. You owe me a dollar a day or something. Let's straighten this out. Pay me out. Just a minute. You say you worked three hundred and sixty five days for me, and you want to be reimbursed. Look. I don't wanna burst anything.
Just give me my money. $365. I'll get out. Hand over some of those Morgenthau MASH notes. Alright. Look. Now don't get excited. Take it easy. Now listen. How many hours a day did you work? Eight hours a day. And how many hours are there in a day? Look. Now, Adam, don't try to put anything over on me. There's twenty four hours in a day off of February, which has twenty eight. You're absolutely right. Twenty four hours in a day. But by working eight hours a day, you really only work one third of each day. Is that right? That's according to the way you figure it. Well, one third of 03/1965 is about $121.
So you actually only have a hundred and $21 coming to you. That's the way I reckon it. You sure are wrecking it. Come on. Get it up. Give me the stove. Well, you did have a hundred and $21 coming to you, but I know there was a button. But you didn't work Sundays, did you? No. I had a ticket to York to wash my lingerie. No. Alright. There are 52 Sundays in a year deduct 52 from a hundred and $21, which leaves $69 coming to you. You're sure that? Positive. You see, I don't want you to cheat yourself. Now that's mighty nice, have you? To look out for my interest. I might as well look out for yours. You already wrecked mine. Come on, Abbot. Give me the money. Get up something, will you? Alright. I'd be glad to give you the $69.
But Paul, hold on to your hat. Here we go again. Look, Abbott. Give me a couple of dollars. How's that? Well, you must admit you only worked a half a day on Saturday. Isn't that right, partner? Partner. Now that I'm losing money, I'm a partner. Look. Will you give me a dollar? I'll still give me a half a fuck. Now wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just a second. Just a minute. Wait a minute. Where was I? You just had a towhole on my $69. Oh, yes. Yes. Happy day on Saturdays. 52 Saturdays in a year. One half of 52 is at 26. So you will, deduct 26 from 69, leaving the sum of, $43.
Sum of. Yes. Sum of. If I get sum of it, I'll be lucky. The fuck has it. Give me a quarter. Will you let me have a quarter? Give me 20¢. Well, now wait a minute. I got out of here with something. Now wait a minute. Just a minute. There's still a balance of $43, but Stop fucking. You're getting my goat. But you took a two weeks vacation, didn't you? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Last fourteen days. Take 14 from $43, leaving you the exact sum of, $29. Look at it. Will you give me a dime? Is that asking too much? Will you give me a Well, I give me anything. Listen. I give you the $29 for it. Now I know it as good as you do.
How much time did you take off for lunch? Oh, this is gonna run into money. I took off one hour a day. Very well. Three hundred and sixty five hours is equal to fifteen days, I take. You might as well take it. You've taken everything out. Well $55.40 5, 40 5. Now I know it better than you do. Look at it. Give me some when you give me a nickel What do you mean? 4 pennies. What do you mean give you a 4p? Look. Can you spare a rat this kid? I'll ask you. Maybe it's not a, mothball. A mothball? Look. Is it accurate? Give me a sardine. Go ahead. Missus Niles is gonna have me in a can anyway. Just a minute.
Just a minute. Let's straighten this thing out. There are 13 holidays in a year which you didn't work. And, as you only have $14 coming to you, we deduct the 13 from the 14, leaving you the exact sum of $1. Here you are, my dear friend, and good luck to you. Nice work, Evan. I need money for a lawyer because missus Niles is gonna throw me in jail, and you're giving me only a dollar. Let's have no more words about it. 1 measly dollar after I worked as late for you for a whole year. I always pay my obligations. Here's your dollar. I wouldn't mind, Abbott. I wouldn't care if it was just for me alone.
I need more than a dollar. I got another mouth. Elvis, your troubles are not my wait a minute. You what? I have another mouth to feed. Another mouth to feed? You never told me that. I know it. Why you've been with me all this time, Costello. And now you tell me you have another mouth to feed? I didn't want windshield to give it. Why didn't you tell me that before? I was ashamed. Oh, you you fortunate fellow. That's nothing to be ashamed of. I I was only kidding about the other money here. Here's your $365. To show you that my heart's in the right place, here's $50 of my own.
You should be so happy. What is it? A boy or a girl? A goldfish. Get out of here. Costello. Costello, where are you?
[00:12:18] Unknown:
Here I am.
[00:12:19] Unknown:
Listen. Missus Niles will be here any minute at the place you want to arrest. But don't worry. I hired a lawyer to defend you. I got my own personal mouthpiece. You mean your wife? No. No. When I say mouthpiece, I mean someone who argues, shoots off his mouth, and lays down the law. That's still your wife.
[00:12:39] Unknown:
There's there's the man who took my dog, that little fat one. This is Oliver Sturchees of the animal aid society. Mister Sturchees, arrest that man. Very well, mister Costello. You're under arrest. What's that? Come with me.
[00:12:51] Unknown:
I won't. Oh, darn it. Nobody ever wants to come along. Now leave us, please. Did you either come with me or pay the usual fine of $1? Oh, just a dollar. Did you hear that, Adam? I can get out of the whole thing for a dollar. Here you are, mister Storchees. I'd be glad to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to settle. Paying that money would be an admission of your guilt. Shut up, Adam. Now wait a minute. Just a minute. I hired a lawyer for you after eight get out of this for a dollar. Just a minute. I've hired your lawyer. He's an outstanding member of the bar, a learned counselor, and an expert at jurisprudence. His very voice has been known to spell by the jury. I can hear him now say How do you do?
Castello, this is your attorney. Bert Gordon, the mad Russian. Gentleman, my card. Let me read that. Bert Gordon, attorney at law, DBTC. What does the DBTC mean? Don't bend the card. Listen, Costello. The Russian is going to give you some advice. No. That is correct. Mister Castoria, there are there are two courses in giving legal advice, of course and be course. Of course, you don't have to take my advice, and because if you do, you'll have to pay for it. Hey. Yeah. But this guy ain't no lawyer. Don't say that. Dad, don't say. When I went to college, they gave me a five bedded japa key. Does it fit the hole in your head?
Please, Costello. He's no college man. Mine, dear you. I'll have you understand. I went to bachelor. Bachelor's a bachelor's school for girls, a grad school. I found it out, one day when I was taught as storage a bunch of laundry. Now see here, mister Costello.
[00:14:49] Unknown:
Get me another lawyer.
[00:14:52] Unknown:
Give me one. Mister Costello, I'm waiting. Are you going to pay the fine of $1 or not? Okay. Here's your balance, George. Just a minute, mister Gainsmello. I forbid you to pay that particular dollar. Well, he's very fortunate to get off for just a dollar after the way he insulted me. Why? But he choked my little dog and tear ran down my cheek. Yes, ma'am. It took one look at your face and ran right back up again. Costello, why don't you listen to the Russian? Yes. Why not? You see, from the legal point of view, if you if you should pay this dollar, it would be absolutely perpendicular. Perpendicular? What does that mean?
[00:15:31] Unknown:
How dare you?
[00:15:34] Unknown:
Oh, this is ridiculous. Come, missus Ortiz. We're taking this case to court. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, missus Niles. I'm gonna pay the dollar. It's too late. Follow what you did, Abbott. You and your phony lawyer. Don't be silly. The Russian is one of the greatest lawyers in the world. That is correct. In my first case, I defended Dreyfus. Dreyfus? I'll put Dreyfus of Devil's Island. No records, Dreyfus from from Coney Island. Say, mister Castile, don't, don't worry about your thing when I'm here. I'm a great intellectual. My stock and trade is brains.
You got a funny looking sample case. Now stop those remarks, Costello. Get a load of his ears. What's wrong with them? Looks like the winner's blowing from his back. It's very funny. Very funny? Yes. You think it's funny? Yeah. Didn't I see you flying over Pomona? No. To Glendale. What happened? What happened? Didn't happen to our dog. Logan, will you please take this down, O'Roshen? Go down to the court and settle the case. Overmind that body. Remember the words of that old saying. Hastemates. Go ahead. There's more.
Well, come on, Costello. Let's go down to the court and fight this case. We'll win in no time. Court of comment, please, now in session. Case Niles versus Castello. Mister Gordon may question the defendant. Thank you. You're out of now mister Cantelio, do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? I do. I object. You object. I just tell you nothing yet. Uh-huh. Cutsello, shut up. You keep out of this. Heather, sit me out of here. Will you? Will you pay this out? Your honor, you have heard your testimony. How can you call my client guilty? But I didn't call him guilty. Then why are you wasting my time?
The court finds the defendant, Lou Costello, guilty, and the fine is $1 or thirty days. We won't pay the fine, Costello. No. We'll appeal the case to a higher court. I got plenty of time. You just got some for me too. Have it for your fees, just a man a dollar. Please give him a dollar. Supreme Court now in session. First case, Niles versus Castello. Prisoner will set to the bar. Castello, are the chains heavy? No. Would you mind holding this hundred pound ball? Abbott. Get the auditors. Please pay that 1 measly dollar. Order in the court. Remember, I am justice.
And I'm justice too. Justice who? Just as good as you are. You can't speak that way to me, young man. I've been sitting on this bench for twenty years. Oh, just naturally lazy, Wait. Wait. Let me handle this case. Mister Kendall, please tell the judge and jury the story of your life. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen. That's enough. What a short life. Your honor, my client would never hurt a dog. Mister Cornello, tell the judge about your own little dog. Okay. I once had a little dog. Did he have long wavy hair? Uh-huh. And did he have a cold nose?
Uh-huh. And did he have very big ear? Oh, yes. Your honor, I would like your honor, I would like to ask my client just one question. Request granted. Thank you. Mister Castellanos, tell me something. Where were you on the night of 12/23/1943? I was home. You should have been with me. I had a wonderful time. Did you say press Alcatraz. Here I come. The court has considered the new evidence in this case. Prisoner Costello, when you placed your foot in the dog's mouth, you gave him hydrophobia, after which he bit two people who died immediately. Therefore, new Costello, you are found guilty of murder in the second degree, and it is the sentence of this court that you shall spend the rest of your natural life on the rock pile.
Abbott, Please pay the dollar. Right this way, gentlemen. Only five minutes for the prisoner. Get me out of here. Costello, listen. We've got some news for you. Absolutely. I just came from the capital. I saw the governor. And what did he say? Pay the dollar. That's why I've been trying to tell you. Now now don't get excited, Costello.
[00:21:13] Unknown:
Missus Niles, what are you doing here? Well, mister George, he said I went to the governor, paid the dollar, and now everything's all straightened up. Costello, you're a free man.
[00:21:23] Unknown:
Jeez. You only pronounce that. Thanks, miss Miles. Yes, Costello. We're sorry it all happened. So as a surprise, We brought a friend of yours to see you. Say hello to mister Costello, Rover. Rover? Castello. Castello, you sick me again. Castello, you sick me. I'm sorry. You've got your foot in the dog's mouth. You're joking, Rover, again. Castello, you're under arrest. That'll cost you a dollar. Don't pay the pardon. We'll take it to the highest court. Here we go again. Let me out of here. Let me out of here.
[00:21:59] Unknown:
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[00:22:27] Unknown:
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