In this lively episode, we dive into the comedic chaos of a Thanksgiving dinner gone awry. Join us as we explore the hilarious antics of Costello, who finds himself in a whirlwind of misunderstandings and mishaps while preparing for a formal Thanksgiving feast. From the confusion over etiquette to the unexpected culinary disasters, Costello's attempts to impress his guests lead to a series of laugh-out-loud moments.
As the dinner unfolds, the situation escalates with the arrival of eccentric guests and a missing pearl necklace, prompting a police investigation that only adds to the comedic mayhem. With a mix of slapstick humor and witty exchanges, this episode captures the essence of classic comedy, leaving listeners in stitches as they follow Costello's misadventures in hosting a Thanksgiving dinner.
(00:00) Opening and Introduction
(01:04) Thanksgiving Dinner Plans
(06:43) Kitchen Chaos and Cooking Mishaps
(11:43) Formal Dinner and Unexpected Guests
(15:58) Theft and Investigation
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Entertainment Radio | Broadcasting Classic Radio Shows | Patreon
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
[00:00:00]
Unknown:
It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chamba Casino. At chambacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:30] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. PGW, point where prohibited by law. See terms and conditions 18 plus. With the Lucky Land Slots, you can get lucky just about anywhere.
[00:00:35] Unknown:
This is your captain speaking. Yeah. We've got clear runway, and the weather's fine. But we're just gonna circle up here a while and, get lucky. No. No. Nothing like that. It's just these cash prizes add up quick. So I suggest you sit back, keep your tray table upright, and start getting lucky.
[00:00:50] Unknown:
Apply for free at luckylandslots.com. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See website for details.
[00:01:05] Unknown:
Costello. Costello, do you realize it's 07:00? Where have you been? Oh, I haven't. I just came from your house. And have I got news for you? What is it? Your cat just had chicken. My cat had chicken? Yeah. My cat had chicken? Yep. You mean kitten? Cats don't have chicken. What was that you brought home in a paper bag last night? The chickens. Well, your cat just had them. I you mean that cat ate my chicken? He swallowed the chicken's bag and all. Why why didn't you take them away from him? You know me, Edith. I ate the pipe that would let the bag out of the cat. Oh. I think I'm wrong.
Well, I've got plenty of other food around the house. Oh, by the way, Edith What? Being that this is Thanksgiving day Yes. I I hate to think of you eating alone. What do you mean? What do you say to having Thanksgiving dinner with me? Well, why that's, mighty fine of you, customer. Good. At what time? 08:00 at your house. Oh, no. No. No. No. No. You'll get no. No. You'll get no turkey at my house. And how about a little duck? Duck? Yeah. That's a chicken with snowshoes on. Hey. Look. I'm sorry, Costello. You can't come to my house for Thanksgiving. I'm having a dinner for the snooty set. Oh, the snooty set. You aren't me. No. I'm not good enough to eat with pigs. No. No. No. Will you listen to me, please? I'm listening. Tonight, I'm entertaining a few of the 400. A few of the 400? Yes. That's 800 altogether. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Just the 400. That's what I said. That's what I said. That's your line. Yeah. Thank you. Well? Well, just because they weigh a little more than me, that don't make them any better than I am. How long talk talk said, please. I I couldn't have you at my house. This is going to be a very classy affair. Why I have a I have a little silver tray to brush the crumbs on. Crumbs? Mhmm. Certainly. Don't you have crumbs at your table? Sure, rabbit. You're welcome anytime.
There you go. You have absolutely no finesse. Know what? I said you have no finesse. What would I do with a finesse? In California, you don't need a finesse.
[00:02:55] Unknown:
If if it gets color, we pronounce the gas key turn. Alright, cousin. Look. Look. I didn't say war of the ravier care.
[00:03:03] Unknown:
I didn't say Please get like four years. Oh, I love that, please. I War now. Alright. I didn't say furnace in the first place. I said finance finance. What? No. No way. Thank you. Alright. You're getting me all mixed up here. Look. I'm trying to tell you Listen to me, please. Your table manners are terrible. The last time you had dinner at my house, you did nothing but reach across the table and grab for the food. So what was wrong with that? What was wrong with that? You've got a tongue, haven't you? Yeah. But I can reach further with my arm. There you go again, Costello. You see, you know nothing at all about the proper way to eat. You have no etiquette. I got no what? You you have no etiquette. Etiquette? Yes. You heard me. You don't even know how to say the word, etiquette. Yeah. You don't What do you mean? Antiguity.
No. It's it's etiquette. Well, etiquette, antiguity is the same thing anyway. So what? Well, I'll go out and I'll buy one of them books on etiquette by Emily Pillar. Emily Pillar? Yeah. That's, that's Emily Pote. Okay. I'll read the both of them. I'll go from pillar to post. Well, you should read that book, Cartel. It would tell you a lot of things. For instance, which is, proper to use when eating peas, a fork or a spoon? I I don't use either one. Well, how do you eat your peas? Oh, I just slide my lower lip under the plate and thanks the peas off the mashed potatoes.
[00:04:19] Unknown:
Sometimes the mashed potatoes comes in my ears. Yes. I can imagine. Sloppy,
[00:04:24] Unknown:
Yeah. Yeah. Now, Stella, you haven't got the brains of a two year old child. Oh, I wouldn't say that. Why not? Look at the difference in our ages. The way you act, I could never have you at my table. Look, Evan. If you know so much about manners, just answer me this one thing. What? Which hand do you stir your coffee with? I stir my coffee with my right hand. That's funny. Most people use a spoon. That's not happening. That settles it, Catella. You ain't got no air, Teddy? Yeah. That settles everything. I was just about to break down and invite you for dinner, but now you had to be a smart aleck. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Adam. Yeah. You did. Wait a minute. Now You're my old pal. I can't help it. You can't do this to me. Well, I did. You gotta invite me to dinner on Thanksgiving. I ain't got no place to go. I'm sorry. You can't, you old French dog.
Look at me, Abbot. I only weigh ninety pounds now. Ninety pounds. So what? You're fifty six inches around the waist. Yeah. But I'm hollow. I alright. Look. Look. Alright. Alright. I didn't come to dinner, Costello, but you'll have to make yourself useful. Now get there early and wait on the table. Why should I wait on a table? Why can't I wait in Apollo with the rest of the people? No. No. You dummy. I mean, I want I wanna sit on your table waiting. I mean, I want you to help with the serving. Now the first, the first course will be ordered. Of course, you know what orders are. Yes. That's French for leftovers. No. No. That's all orders or snacks. Now you take care of the ladies first. It's, it's up to you to see that each lady gets a snack. Are the husbands gonna be there? Certainly. Then I ain't gonna do it. What do what? I ain't gonna go around snacking the ladies. Their husbands will ever come around and snack me.
On second thought, you'd better stay out in the kitchen and help with the iced address. What happened? What's the matter? What you said? What what what what's wrong? You ought to be ashamed of yourself talking that way to a boy of my age. What do you mean? I'm just at the age of picking things up like that. What's wrong? Why it's a good thing my mother isn't here. Oh, the shame of it all. What are you talking about? How dare you ask me to help with the oyster dress? What do you mean? Now look at it. I didn't mind when you said I had to wait for you on a table, and I was only mildly surprised when you asked me to smack all the ladies, especially in front of their husband. But when you have the nerve to ask me to go out in the kitchen and dress a bunch of naked oysters, you not only humiliify me, but you have impued on my good name.
[00:06:43] Unknown:
That's
[00:06:47] Unknown:
that's that's that's What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? You have to cut out that thing in the kitchen? You're disturbing the guest. Well, Adam, I always sing when I'm making sour milk biscuits. Sour milk biscuits? Sure. We haven't got any sour milk. You will have when I get you singing. And maybe some little baby lips, shut down shut down. No. So now you better save us money. Alright. Luck. Cut it. Cut it out. Look. What are you doing there? What's all that stuff you're putting in? How to do it? What is your First, I gotta put in two tubs of butter. Two tubs of butter? Sure. It says right here in the cookbook. Butter. Two TBS tubs.
That's tablespoons. I threw them in two. You threw what else did you put in there? I put in some flour, salt, baking powder, and three gulps of molasses. Three gulps. What are gulps? You know of it. When you pour the molasses out of the jug, it goes scallop, scallop, scallop. I I put in three of those. Look, Nutella. I I don't want you to do any cooking. I've got a chef coming here to take care of that. I thought you'd be out here singeing the fellas off the goose. Doing what? Singeing singeing. Don't you know how to singe? Sure. I know how to singe. I was singeing when you came in. My name is Linda Benjamin. I'm sorry. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Singe singeing gets the down off the goose. Didn't you ever get down off the Oh.
[00:08:03] Unknown:
Oh. Did you read that right? Yeah.
[00:08:09] Unknown:
Well, didn't you? Did I have a what? Didn't you ever get down off a goose? No. I got down off a horse. No. No.
[00:08:16] Unknown:
No. I never rode a goose. No. It's so much windy. Oh, thank goodness.
[00:08:21] Unknown:
Here comes this chef. Hey. I got on chocolate and the air cooking. I'm at the end.
[00:08:32] Unknown:
Don't tell me that you're the cook.
[00:08:35] Unknown:
Could be. Yeah. You know something over in Paris I am known as the famous French chef Pierre Reine? You're the great Reine. That's a young man. So what are you doing in California? Oh, I always come here in the rainy season.
[00:08:51] Unknown:
The rainy season? Yeah. This guy's a washer. Never mind that, Cartela. Look. We've gotta get my Thanksgiving dinner cooked, please. Kitssell, you'll find all the utensils in that big cupboard over there. Oh, please pass utensils of your who needs your utensils? I brought along my own pa. That's the first part I ever saw with a belt around.
[00:09:13] Unknown:
Cartella, please keep out of this. Kittssel, do you know anything about cooking game? Do I know how to cook game while I'm cooking the finest pineapple you ever tasted?
[00:09:23] Unknown:
You, cook peenacrues? Sure. Pinnacles are sour crab. Oh? Look, Look, Kitzel, I don't wanna get personal, but why don't you pull in your tongue? Nobody ordered cold cuts.
[00:09:33] Unknown:
Look. Never mind that, Kitzelah. Kitzel, get busy, please, and get the dinner ready. No. No. No. You're still checking. Just start checking, my little man. Don't get excited. First, I got to open my little bag and get out my chisels and saw. What chisels and saw? Three chisels and thunder at all.
[00:09:51] Unknown:
You know, if it was too bad, you didn't bring your monkey wrench. Well, for goodness sake, what would I be doing with a monkey wrench? Well, you could tighten the nuts on a fruitcake. Stop Casella, please. Will you get busy and help kids. I'm going into the living room and see if any of my guests have arrived yet. Sebastian, Sebastian, shut off that radio. Shut it off. Sebastian. Well, I just come over to help you out uncle butt and I thought the guest would like some nice romantic music. Romantic music? Mhmm. Oh, that tiger isn't romantic music. It is to another tiger.
Now look Sebastian, if you're going to hang around here, you'll have to behave yourself. Now this is going to be a very formal Thanksgiving dinner. The men will all wear tail. Tail. Who's coming? Licki mouse. No. Will you please listen Sebastian. It will be your job to usher the people into the dining room. I will sit at the head of the table, Ken Miles will sit on my right hand, and Connie Haines will sit on my left hand. Ken Miles is gonna sit on your right hand? That's right. And Connie Haines will sit on your left hand? That's right. How are you gonna eat? Would you sleep? No. No. No. Look. When you get all the people seated, you go to the kitchen. Then when I ring this little dinner bell, your brother will hand me the carving knife and you give me the bird.
In front of everybody? That'll do, Sebastian. Now go out in the kitchen and, make some ice water, and I do hope you can make ice water. Yeah. Sure. You just peel a onion. An onion? Yeah. That'll make your ice water. Sebastian, ice water is frozen water. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Then water's frozen in. I stink.
[00:11:34] Unknown:
You don't get no
[00:11:41] Unknown:
argument out of me right now. What's And now, ladies and gentlemen, we take you to the home of Bud Abbott where a formal Thanksgiving dinner is about to be served. Costello has been working in the kitchen all day like a dog but he is now ready to face the guest. Let us look in on this dog face. Costello. Costello. The guests are arriving. Open the door and announce them as they come in. Hanging. Mister and mister Zed Blank. Mister and missus Phil Kudzner. And nowching. Lord Hipsqueak, knight of the gutter, lord, knight of the bath, and Hetty Lamar. Hetty Lamar isn't here. I was thinking of another night.
[00:12:26] Unknown:
Young man, how dare you leave me standing here? Kindly take my card and not met. Okay.
[00:12:32] Unknown:
Hillside 2183. Ask for Hazel.
[00:12:36] Unknown:
If a man answers, hang up. Wrong cock. Wrong cock.
[00:12:41] Unknown:
That isn't my card. Sorry. I got that mixed up with one of my own. Costello, what's your manners? Okay. This is lady, Jennifer Cookiecutter.
[00:12:50] Unknown:
That little boy in my home, you know, is at Kensington on the time.
[00:12:55] Unknown:
Kensington on the time? Then you must know my great aunt Harriet, the old girl is bullock, you know. Oh, from glenning on the tine? No. From hitchhiking on oil trucks. All right. That's enough, Cartelo. Take, Lady Jennifer's coat and I will escort her to the table. Oh, by all means the table. Oh, I'm so hungry. I could eat a horse. Yeah. Cartelo. Pastel will get that horse out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here. And, please please bring lady Jennifer a cocktail. Yes.
[00:13:33] Unknown:
Make it a martini, with a black olive. You drink martinis with a black olive? Yes. I'm in mourning for my husband.
[00:13:42] Unknown:
If I was you, lady, Jennifer, I would lay off those martinis. They're pretty hot. Costello, what makes you think they're hot? Of course. I just poured one. When I dropped the olive in, the olive stuck out of pimento.
[00:13:54] Unknown:
Oh, oh, boy, good day, mister Cart mister Rabbit. I have a little, Thanksgiving present for you. A nice, fat Belgian hair.
[00:14:01] Unknown:
I raise them, you know. Oh, thank you, lady Jennifer. Castillo, take lady Jennifer's hair. Take her what? Take her hair and put it in the icebox. Okay. Have it woah. Woah. Woah. You're good. Castillo, now look what you've done. Speak to lady Jennifer. Hello, Foldy. Oh, I've never been going to Chelsea in all my life. Come, lady Jennifer. I'll show you one of the table. I'll show you, Set the line right, not under that table. No. No. I'm sorry, missus Jennifer. I I show you to the table. No, ma'am. You better take my arm. Does that come off too? Pastel will get busy and serve the dinner. And remember, I don't want to see your thumb in the soup. Okay.
Lord Beaverbrook. Paul, I pardon me, mister Beaver. Not quite quite quite quite, please. What part of the turkey would you like? Well, I'm a flyer. I'll take the wing.
[00:15:02] Unknown:
And,
[00:15:03] Unknown:
pretty rich. Well, I'm a musician. I'll take the drumstick. And Sebastian, what part of the turkey would you like? Well, you could skip me. I'm a veteran kid.
[00:15:15] Unknown:
I hope somebody will remember me. I like the neck.
[00:15:19] Unknown:
I like the neck too, Connie. Let me shout on the front porch. That's how to keep quiet and serve the soup. And remember, I don't want to see your thumb in it. Okay. I'll fix that.
[00:15:28] Unknown:
Somebody turn off the lights. Put that on the lights, somebody.
[00:15:33] Unknown:
There. The lights are off. What's the trouble, lady Jennifer? My neck is gone. Somebody's still in my neck. Quicker. Cell call the police. Please. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Use a French phone. I don't speak French. Oh, here. Please. Here. I'll call him. Operator, give me the plea. Hurry up. Hello. Police department. This is Bob Abbott's home. There's been a robbery here. Come over at once. Well, here we are. We're from headquarters. What took you so long?
All along. What took you so long? So long? Oh, you're leaving already? Now shut up, you. You look suspicious. Stick up your hands and wrists for the ceiling. Okay. But I know I won't make it, Ty. Officer, there's been a robbery here. The lights went out and somebody stole lady Jennifer's pearl necklace. I stole a necklace here. Somebody will get the jug for this. Sounds like you've had it already. Come on. Come on. Line up against the wall and you too, bad boy. What's your name?
[00:16:41] Unknown:
Honest Luke Costello.
[00:16:44] Unknown:
Costello, ain't you got a relative, doing time at Alcatraz? Yes, sir. That's my uncle Stebbins. They put him in for something he didn't do. For something he didn't do? Yeah. He didn't wipe off his fingerprints when he robbed the bank. Now get in line there. I'll take this gentleman first. What's your name? Lord Beevapor. Where were you sitting when the necklace was stolen? Well, I You lied. How long have you known lady Jennifer? Well, I You lied. Get rid of him fast, Tony. Alright, sergeant. Drag this man out of here. Now Castello your next. I think there are others ahead of me.
I'm ready to take you now. But I don't wanna be selfish. Women and children first. Sit down there in a chair. Just a minute. Who are you shopping? Who are you shopping? I'm telling you and what's about it. I just wanted a be sure. Now where was you when the lights went out? I won't You lied. I expected it.
[00:17:52] Unknown:
Out.
[00:17:54] Unknown:
What's the matter? Look, why did you Did you hurt your head? No. But it broke my shoelaces. Shut up, you. Now I'm going to question the little guy here. Oh, no. Not that. You can't question my little fellow Sebastian. Then why not? There's only one head between us. I'm playing both parts.
[00:18:12] Unknown:
Oh, doctor. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No
[00:18:27] Unknown:
wait a minute. There's one thing I can't understand, Castello. Who turned out the lights when you were serving dinner?
[00:18:32] Unknown:
I turned them out on for what? Sebastian.
[00:18:35] Unknown:
Why did you turn the lights off? Because you said you didn't wanna see Luis come in the soap. Sebastian,
[00:18:43] Unknown:
do you realize what you did? You almost got me arrested your brother. They might have thrown me in jail, then I would have to walk around with the power of the prison on my noble brow. Why did you do such things to your loving brother, Sebastian?
[00:18:59] Unknown:
Oh, I'm not bad boy.
It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chamba Casino. At chambacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:30] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. PGW, point where prohibited by law. See terms and conditions 18 plus. With the Lucky Land Slots, you can get lucky just about anywhere.
[00:00:35] Unknown:
This is your captain speaking. Yeah. We've got clear runway, and the weather's fine. But we're just gonna circle up here a while and, get lucky. No. No. Nothing like that. It's just these cash prizes add up quick. So I suggest you sit back, keep your tray table upright, and start getting lucky.
[00:00:50] Unknown:
Apply for free at luckylandslots.com. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See website for details.
[00:01:05] Unknown:
Costello. Costello, do you realize it's 07:00? Where have you been? Oh, I haven't. I just came from your house. And have I got news for you? What is it? Your cat just had chicken. My cat had chicken? Yeah. My cat had chicken? Yep. You mean kitten? Cats don't have chicken. What was that you brought home in a paper bag last night? The chickens. Well, your cat just had them. I you mean that cat ate my chicken? He swallowed the chicken's bag and all. Why why didn't you take them away from him? You know me, Edith. I ate the pipe that would let the bag out of the cat. Oh. I think I'm wrong.
Well, I've got plenty of other food around the house. Oh, by the way, Edith What? Being that this is Thanksgiving day Yes. I I hate to think of you eating alone. What do you mean? What do you say to having Thanksgiving dinner with me? Well, why that's, mighty fine of you, customer. Good. At what time? 08:00 at your house. Oh, no. No. No. No. No. You'll get no. No. You'll get no turkey at my house. And how about a little duck? Duck? Yeah. That's a chicken with snowshoes on. Hey. Look. I'm sorry, Costello. You can't come to my house for Thanksgiving. I'm having a dinner for the snooty set. Oh, the snooty set. You aren't me. No. I'm not good enough to eat with pigs. No. No. No. Will you listen to me, please? I'm listening. Tonight, I'm entertaining a few of the 400. A few of the 400? Yes. That's 800 altogether. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Just the 400. That's what I said. That's what I said. That's your line. Yeah. Thank you. Well? Well, just because they weigh a little more than me, that don't make them any better than I am. How long talk talk said, please. I I couldn't have you at my house. This is going to be a very classy affair. Why I have a I have a little silver tray to brush the crumbs on. Crumbs? Mhmm. Certainly. Don't you have crumbs at your table? Sure, rabbit. You're welcome anytime.
There you go. You have absolutely no finesse. Know what? I said you have no finesse. What would I do with a finesse? In California, you don't need a finesse.
[00:02:55] Unknown:
If if it gets color, we pronounce the gas key turn. Alright, cousin. Look. Look. I didn't say war of the ravier care.
[00:03:03] Unknown:
I didn't say Please get like four years. Oh, I love that, please. I War now. Alright. I didn't say furnace in the first place. I said finance finance. What? No. No way. Thank you. Alright. You're getting me all mixed up here. Look. I'm trying to tell you Listen to me, please. Your table manners are terrible. The last time you had dinner at my house, you did nothing but reach across the table and grab for the food. So what was wrong with that? What was wrong with that? You've got a tongue, haven't you? Yeah. But I can reach further with my arm. There you go again, Costello. You see, you know nothing at all about the proper way to eat. You have no etiquette. I got no what? You you have no etiquette. Etiquette? Yes. You heard me. You don't even know how to say the word, etiquette. Yeah. You don't What do you mean? Antiguity.
No. It's it's etiquette. Well, etiquette, antiguity is the same thing anyway. So what? Well, I'll go out and I'll buy one of them books on etiquette by Emily Pillar. Emily Pillar? Yeah. That's, that's Emily Pote. Okay. I'll read the both of them. I'll go from pillar to post. Well, you should read that book, Cartel. It would tell you a lot of things. For instance, which is, proper to use when eating peas, a fork or a spoon? I I don't use either one. Well, how do you eat your peas? Oh, I just slide my lower lip under the plate and thanks the peas off the mashed potatoes.
[00:04:19] Unknown:
Sometimes the mashed potatoes comes in my ears. Yes. I can imagine. Sloppy,
[00:04:24] Unknown:
Yeah. Yeah. Now, Stella, you haven't got the brains of a two year old child. Oh, I wouldn't say that. Why not? Look at the difference in our ages. The way you act, I could never have you at my table. Look, Evan. If you know so much about manners, just answer me this one thing. What? Which hand do you stir your coffee with? I stir my coffee with my right hand. That's funny. Most people use a spoon. That's not happening. That settles it, Catella. You ain't got no air, Teddy? Yeah. That settles everything. I was just about to break down and invite you for dinner, but now you had to be a smart aleck. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Adam. Yeah. You did. Wait a minute. Now You're my old pal. I can't help it. You can't do this to me. Well, I did. You gotta invite me to dinner on Thanksgiving. I ain't got no place to go. I'm sorry. You can't, you old French dog.
Look at me, Abbot. I only weigh ninety pounds now. Ninety pounds. So what? You're fifty six inches around the waist. Yeah. But I'm hollow. I alright. Look. Look. Alright. Alright. I didn't come to dinner, Costello, but you'll have to make yourself useful. Now get there early and wait on the table. Why should I wait on a table? Why can't I wait in Apollo with the rest of the people? No. No. You dummy. I mean, I want I wanna sit on your table waiting. I mean, I want you to help with the serving. Now the first, the first course will be ordered. Of course, you know what orders are. Yes. That's French for leftovers. No. No. That's all orders or snacks. Now you take care of the ladies first. It's, it's up to you to see that each lady gets a snack. Are the husbands gonna be there? Certainly. Then I ain't gonna do it. What do what? I ain't gonna go around snacking the ladies. Their husbands will ever come around and snack me.
On second thought, you'd better stay out in the kitchen and help with the iced address. What happened? What's the matter? What you said? What what what what's wrong? You ought to be ashamed of yourself talking that way to a boy of my age. What do you mean? I'm just at the age of picking things up like that. What's wrong? Why it's a good thing my mother isn't here. Oh, the shame of it all. What are you talking about? How dare you ask me to help with the oyster dress? What do you mean? Now look at it. I didn't mind when you said I had to wait for you on a table, and I was only mildly surprised when you asked me to smack all the ladies, especially in front of their husband. But when you have the nerve to ask me to go out in the kitchen and dress a bunch of naked oysters, you not only humiliify me, but you have impued on my good name.
[00:06:43] Unknown:
That's
[00:06:47] Unknown:
that's that's that's What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? You have to cut out that thing in the kitchen? You're disturbing the guest. Well, Adam, I always sing when I'm making sour milk biscuits. Sour milk biscuits? Sure. We haven't got any sour milk. You will have when I get you singing. And maybe some little baby lips, shut down shut down. No. So now you better save us money. Alright. Luck. Cut it. Cut it out. Look. What are you doing there? What's all that stuff you're putting in? How to do it? What is your First, I gotta put in two tubs of butter. Two tubs of butter? Sure. It says right here in the cookbook. Butter. Two TBS tubs.
That's tablespoons. I threw them in two. You threw what else did you put in there? I put in some flour, salt, baking powder, and three gulps of molasses. Three gulps. What are gulps? You know of it. When you pour the molasses out of the jug, it goes scallop, scallop, scallop. I I put in three of those. Look, Nutella. I I don't want you to do any cooking. I've got a chef coming here to take care of that. I thought you'd be out here singeing the fellas off the goose. Doing what? Singeing singeing. Don't you know how to singe? Sure. I know how to singe. I was singeing when you came in. My name is Linda Benjamin. I'm sorry. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Singe singeing gets the down off the goose. Didn't you ever get down off the Oh.
[00:08:03] Unknown:
Oh. Did you read that right? Yeah.
[00:08:09] Unknown:
Well, didn't you? Did I have a what? Didn't you ever get down off a goose? No. I got down off a horse. No. No.
[00:08:16] Unknown:
No. I never rode a goose. No. It's so much windy. Oh, thank goodness.
[00:08:21] Unknown:
Here comes this chef. Hey. I got on chocolate and the air cooking. I'm at the end.
[00:08:32] Unknown:
Don't tell me that you're the cook.
[00:08:35] Unknown:
Could be. Yeah. You know something over in Paris I am known as the famous French chef Pierre Reine? You're the great Reine. That's a young man. So what are you doing in California? Oh, I always come here in the rainy season.
[00:08:51] Unknown:
The rainy season? Yeah. This guy's a washer. Never mind that, Cartela. Look. We've gotta get my Thanksgiving dinner cooked, please. Kitssell, you'll find all the utensils in that big cupboard over there. Oh, please pass utensils of your who needs your utensils? I brought along my own pa. That's the first part I ever saw with a belt around.
[00:09:13] Unknown:
Cartella, please keep out of this. Kittssel, do you know anything about cooking game? Do I know how to cook game while I'm cooking the finest pineapple you ever tasted?
[00:09:23] Unknown:
You, cook peenacrues? Sure. Pinnacles are sour crab. Oh? Look, Look, Kitzel, I don't wanna get personal, but why don't you pull in your tongue? Nobody ordered cold cuts.
[00:09:33] Unknown:
Look. Never mind that, Kitzelah. Kitzel, get busy, please, and get the dinner ready. No. No. No. You're still checking. Just start checking, my little man. Don't get excited. First, I got to open my little bag and get out my chisels and saw. What chisels and saw? Three chisels and thunder at all.
[00:09:51] Unknown:
You know, if it was too bad, you didn't bring your monkey wrench. Well, for goodness sake, what would I be doing with a monkey wrench? Well, you could tighten the nuts on a fruitcake. Stop Casella, please. Will you get busy and help kids. I'm going into the living room and see if any of my guests have arrived yet. Sebastian, Sebastian, shut off that radio. Shut it off. Sebastian. Well, I just come over to help you out uncle butt and I thought the guest would like some nice romantic music. Romantic music? Mhmm. Oh, that tiger isn't romantic music. It is to another tiger.
Now look Sebastian, if you're going to hang around here, you'll have to behave yourself. Now this is going to be a very formal Thanksgiving dinner. The men will all wear tail. Tail. Who's coming? Licki mouse. No. Will you please listen Sebastian. It will be your job to usher the people into the dining room. I will sit at the head of the table, Ken Miles will sit on my right hand, and Connie Haines will sit on my left hand. Ken Miles is gonna sit on your right hand? That's right. And Connie Haines will sit on your left hand? That's right. How are you gonna eat? Would you sleep? No. No. No. Look. When you get all the people seated, you go to the kitchen. Then when I ring this little dinner bell, your brother will hand me the carving knife and you give me the bird.
In front of everybody? That'll do, Sebastian. Now go out in the kitchen and, make some ice water, and I do hope you can make ice water. Yeah. Sure. You just peel a onion. An onion? Yeah. That'll make your ice water. Sebastian, ice water is frozen water. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Then water's frozen in. I stink.
[00:11:34] Unknown:
You don't get no
[00:11:41] Unknown:
argument out of me right now. What's And now, ladies and gentlemen, we take you to the home of Bud Abbott where a formal Thanksgiving dinner is about to be served. Costello has been working in the kitchen all day like a dog but he is now ready to face the guest. Let us look in on this dog face. Costello. Costello. The guests are arriving. Open the door and announce them as they come in. Hanging. Mister and mister Zed Blank. Mister and missus Phil Kudzner. And nowching. Lord Hipsqueak, knight of the gutter, lord, knight of the bath, and Hetty Lamar. Hetty Lamar isn't here. I was thinking of another night.
[00:12:26] Unknown:
Young man, how dare you leave me standing here? Kindly take my card and not met. Okay.
[00:12:32] Unknown:
Hillside 2183. Ask for Hazel.
[00:12:36] Unknown:
If a man answers, hang up. Wrong cock. Wrong cock.
[00:12:41] Unknown:
That isn't my card. Sorry. I got that mixed up with one of my own. Costello, what's your manners? Okay. This is lady, Jennifer Cookiecutter.
[00:12:50] Unknown:
That little boy in my home, you know, is at Kensington on the time.
[00:12:55] Unknown:
Kensington on the time? Then you must know my great aunt Harriet, the old girl is bullock, you know. Oh, from glenning on the tine? No. From hitchhiking on oil trucks. All right. That's enough, Cartelo. Take, Lady Jennifer's coat and I will escort her to the table. Oh, by all means the table. Oh, I'm so hungry. I could eat a horse. Yeah. Cartelo. Pastel will get that horse out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here. And, please please bring lady Jennifer a cocktail. Yes.
[00:13:33] Unknown:
Make it a martini, with a black olive. You drink martinis with a black olive? Yes. I'm in mourning for my husband.
[00:13:42] Unknown:
If I was you, lady, Jennifer, I would lay off those martinis. They're pretty hot. Costello, what makes you think they're hot? Of course. I just poured one. When I dropped the olive in, the olive stuck out of pimento.
[00:13:54] Unknown:
Oh, oh, boy, good day, mister Cart mister Rabbit. I have a little, Thanksgiving present for you. A nice, fat Belgian hair.
[00:14:01] Unknown:
I raise them, you know. Oh, thank you, lady Jennifer. Castillo, take lady Jennifer's hair. Take her what? Take her hair and put it in the icebox. Okay. Have it woah. Woah. Woah. You're good. Castillo, now look what you've done. Speak to lady Jennifer. Hello, Foldy. Oh, I've never been going to Chelsea in all my life. Come, lady Jennifer. I'll show you one of the table. I'll show you, Set the line right, not under that table. No. No. I'm sorry, missus Jennifer. I I show you to the table. No, ma'am. You better take my arm. Does that come off too? Pastel will get busy and serve the dinner. And remember, I don't want to see your thumb in the soup. Okay.
Lord Beaverbrook. Paul, I pardon me, mister Beaver. Not quite quite quite quite, please. What part of the turkey would you like? Well, I'm a flyer. I'll take the wing.
[00:15:02] Unknown:
And,
[00:15:03] Unknown:
pretty rich. Well, I'm a musician. I'll take the drumstick. And Sebastian, what part of the turkey would you like? Well, you could skip me. I'm a veteran kid.
[00:15:15] Unknown:
I hope somebody will remember me. I like the neck.
[00:15:19] Unknown:
I like the neck too, Connie. Let me shout on the front porch. That's how to keep quiet and serve the soup. And remember, I don't want to see your thumb in it. Okay. I'll fix that.
[00:15:28] Unknown:
Somebody turn off the lights. Put that on the lights, somebody.
[00:15:33] Unknown:
There. The lights are off. What's the trouble, lady Jennifer? My neck is gone. Somebody's still in my neck. Quicker. Cell call the police. Please. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Use a French phone. I don't speak French. Oh, here. Please. Here. I'll call him. Operator, give me the plea. Hurry up. Hello. Police department. This is Bob Abbott's home. There's been a robbery here. Come over at once. Well, here we are. We're from headquarters. What took you so long?
All along. What took you so long? So long? Oh, you're leaving already? Now shut up, you. You look suspicious. Stick up your hands and wrists for the ceiling. Okay. But I know I won't make it, Ty. Officer, there's been a robbery here. The lights went out and somebody stole lady Jennifer's pearl necklace. I stole a necklace here. Somebody will get the jug for this. Sounds like you've had it already. Come on. Come on. Line up against the wall and you too, bad boy. What's your name?
[00:16:41] Unknown:
Honest Luke Costello.
[00:16:44] Unknown:
Costello, ain't you got a relative, doing time at Alcatraz? Yes, sir. That's my uncle Stebbins. They put him in for something he didn't do. For something he didn't do? Yeah. He didn't wipe off his fingerprints when he robbed the bank. Now get in line there. I'll take this gentleman first. What's your name? Lord Beevapor. Where were you sitting when the necklace was stolen? Well, I You lied. How long have you known lady Jennifer? Well, I You lied. Get rid of him fast, Tony. Alright, sergeant. Drag this man out of here. Now Castello your next. I think there are others ahead of me.
I'm ready to take you now. But I don't wanna be selfish. Women and children first. Sit down there in a chair. Just a minute. Who are you shopping? Who are you shopping? I'm telling you and what's about it. I just wanted a be sure. Now where was you when the lights went out? I won't You lied. I expected it.
[00:17:52] Unknown:
Out.
[00:17:54] Unknown:
What's the matter? Look, why did you Did you hurt your head? No. But it broke my shoelaces. Shut up, you. Now I'm going to question the little guy here. Oh, no. Not that. You can't question my little fellow Sebastian. Then why not? There's only one head between us. I'm playing both parts.
[00:18:12] Unknown:
Oh, doctor. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No
[00:18:27] Unknown:
wait a minute. There's one thing I can't understand, Castello. Who turned out the lights when you were serving dinner?
[00:18:32] Unknown:
I turned them out on for what? Sebastian.
[00:18:35] Unknown:
Why did you turn the lights off? Because you said you didn't wanna see Luis come in the soap. Sebastian,
[00:18:43] Unknown:
do you realize what you did? You almost got me arrested your brother. They might have thrown me in jail, then I would have to walk around with the power of the prison on my noble brow. Why did you do such things to your loving brother, Sebastian?
[00:18:59] Unknown:
Oh, I'm not bad boy.
