In this lively episode, we dive into the comedic world of Abbott and Costello as they navigate the challenges of homeownership. Costello has just purchased a new house, and hilarity ensues as he attempts to install a bathtub with the help of Abbott. From misunderstandings about mortgages to the antics of trying to fit a bathtub through a window, the duo's comedic timing and witty banter keep the laughs coming.
As the episode unfolds, listeners are treated to a series of slapstick scenarios, including a run-in with a police officer while transporting the bathtub and a humorous exchange with a plumber. The episode captures the essence of classic comedy with its clever wordplay and absurd situations, making it a delightful listen for fans of vintage humor.
(00:30) Introduction and Fun Facts
(01:01) Abbott and Costello's Historical Comedy
(03:35) The New House Adventure
(09:03) Moving In and Domestic Help
(14:09) The Bathtub Dilemma
(20:12) The Final Setup and Unexpected Twist
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
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Alright. Alright, Cicella. Listen to me. Do you know if tomorrow is Lincoln's birthday? Oh, sure. I already I already called him up and he read and I congratulate him. Why you dope Lincoln has been dead for over seventy five years. No wonder he didn't answer the phone. I can tell you that. You don't know the first thing about history. Hello? Ask me a question. Alright. What happened in, 2700? Abraham Lincoln was born. Right. And what happened in 1851? Well, now let me see now. Borges in '18. I got it. Lincoln was 52 years old. All right. Pulled Lincoln Gettysburg Address. Don't look at me. I didn't do it. Certainly didn't. Certainly you didn't. Well, give me credit. I may not be smart, but I'm honest. All right. All right. I'll try it. I'll try it with a question about Lincoln.
Now whose picture is on the $5 bill? Truman? No. General Myers? No, no, no. Thanks, sir. Honest. No. Wait a minute. Guys, this is to answer the question. Whose picture is on the $5 bill? I'll find out. Give me that phone. Hello, operator? Give me 6173. Hello, mister Atlee. This is an American citizen. I'd like to have you look at one of our $5 bills and tell me whose pictures on it. Well, well, is that so? Well, did you find out? No. He ain't got nothing smaller than a 20. That's just the beginning folks. Twenty seven odd minutes of Aberdeen Costello still to come. But first hear this. What's new at Compton? It's Frank L Atkinson. And in Los Angeles, Jack T Shamatou.
Up in San Jose we have Jack Walsh and Tony Tomasello. And down in Long Beach, Charles Simmons, more new PDQ dealer. Each decided for himself that PDQ was the name and the reputation and the quality to state the dream of personal business success and independence upon. If all goes well, these men in one, two or five years from now will have a lot more than a lapel button for good conduct to show for the long hours, the hard work, the confidence and experience that they will put into their filling station business. For they will have proven each in his own community among his customers and neighbors that an independent automotive expert conducting his own business offering automotive products of unbeatable quality will give the motorist more for his dollar. We think this is a very sound recommendation for the quality and the reputation of PDQ products.
And now, the Abbott and Costello show. Where have you been? I haven't seen you all week. Well, I've been moving, Abbott. I bought a house way out in the country. It's about a mile from Uncle Mike's place. What up, beautiful ranch, Abbott? I call it the Lumbago Ranch. Lumbago Ranch? Why does your name it Lumbago? Because it's got a creep in the back. You get it? Lumbagos. Creak in the back. I got it. I got it. I'm glad somebody got it. Just don't sit there, folks. You got it for nothing. I got it. Just gave you chocolate, didn't I?
Okay. Fine. Tell me. What do you want with a ranch? Well, I'm gonna raise monkeys. You bought a ranch to raise monkeys? You're a nut. What's better for a nut than a monkey ranch? Here's a picture of the farmhouse at it. What's that little house in the back? That's the garage. I bet you thought I was gonna say smoke all that. You bought yourself a new house. What condition is it in? Wonderful condition. I just had a painting and it didn't cost a cent. A doctor painted it for nothing. A doctor painted your house for nothing here. How How do you know it was a doctor? Trying to see him on a loop in big red letters. Says Doctor Pepper. Just a moment, doctor.
Who stole you this house? I got the house, from a Mr. Crowe. Mr. Crow? Yes. In order to get the house, they told me I'd have to go to e s Crow. E s Crow. That's escrow. That means you bought the house through the bank. Does the bank have a lien on your house? Does the bank have a what? A lien on your house. The bank ever lien on my house as it fell down. I'm talking about a mortgage. Who owns the paper on your house? Nobody. The paper was stuck on a house with glue. I'll never lie down. What kind of a plate did you buy? Do you have a large, patio? Let's not get personal.
I mean a patio with a barbecue. I do all my cooking in my patio. I knew you when you didn't have a patio to cook in. Stop that, Dallas. Don't you know anything about your new house? Don't you have it inspected? Did you have it inspected, Lou? Inspected for what? For floors. You might have floors in your house. Certainly I got floors. What do you think I walk on a ceiling? Never mind that. What period is your house? What period? Yes. Did you buy a a period house? No. I bought a house period. Well, Russell, I'm trying to find out if your house is Spanish, French, or English.
It's early American. How do you know? I found a couple of dead Indians in the attic. Who designed the house? Oh, the same architect that designed the Pyramids in Egypt. The Pyramids were designed by a man four thousand years ago. There's nothing like getting a man with experience, you know. Love, Castellate. You can tell what kind of a house. This is by the roof. Now is the roof shingle or tile? Of course. It's one of those What did you say? Is your is your roof shingle? Certainly a shingle. Whoever heard of a married roof? No. I'm talking about your rooftop. My WhatsApp? Rooftop. Roof. Roof. Yeah. But I can't even see you're saying there's a dog barking stuff right here.
Look, Fatima. Did you notice if it was tile on top of your roof? Now what would a tile be doing on top of my roof? Please drive your hole down the chimney and tear the feet of his house. No. No. No. No. I'm talking about a tile roof. A tile roof is held together by his mortar. By what? Mortar? Mortar. Don't you know what mortar is? Certainly my mortar is the woman that married my daughter. And I mean, if it's tile, the motor keeps the house dry. At my house, it's the motor who keeps the tile dry. At my motor, no. Hey, Cassel. I'm trying to tell you that the motor holds the tile on the roof. What kind of a motor would hold a tile on the roof? Love it. Of all the stupid idiots I'm trying to tell you the tile is plastered on the roof. Now there's a pretty picture. A little tile plastered on the roof. Well let me say, please. I have a tile roof on my house. You also have a tile tail on your shoulders. Now when the roof is tiled they spread the tile on the roof and flash it with water. The tile runs across the roof and down the gutter. So that in case of a shower the tile drains into a pipe or a spout and keeps everybody in the house from getting soaked. That's enough, habit. This time you've gone too far and I'm glad I found you up. Pound me up. What do you mean? I'm glad I found you up. What do you mean by that? I didn't mind so much when you said that a shingle roof could have its pile. I didn't even care when you said that the pile was on top of my house. But when you said that that poor little pile was taken a shower with a pipe in its mouth and run us down the gutter to get blasted with his motor, not only have you attacked the sanctity of the American home, but you haven't chewed on the bill of rights and cast asparagus on the Atlanta charter.
Come on, Godzilla. We're going out and look at that out. Boy. Well, here we are, Abbott. This is my new home. And since you and me have been pals for so many years, I'm gonna ask you to move in here with me. Well, Cartelena, that's mighty sweet of me. I want you to know that I will be only too happy to live here with you for the rest of my life. Okay. Now will you carry me across the threshold? Okay. Down and stop acting silly. Let's let's go in and and look the new house up. Come on. Oh. Oh. Welcome home, mister Gotzello. I'll be check your hat. Now welcome home, mister Costello. Me taking you close? Who are you two guys? Oh, just a couple of tiny stackers. Now they're starting to plummet stairs.
Never mind them Costello. Now about my room. I'd like a room with a bath. That's this is a farm. All you get is a room with a pad. Costello, are you crazy? Domestic help. I can't afford a full staff. Then get a skeleton staff. I will as soon as I can find a skeleton that will work for seven bones a week. How do you do, miss? I'm Luca Cello. I'm the owner of this new house. Yes. Congratulations. I'm your position. I'm a
[00:10:35] Unknown:
beautiful view. Beautiful view. Beautiful. Beautiful what?
[00:10:47] Unknown:
This thing sounds like she swallowed a tobacco or can hear. Right, Priscilla. Miss, this place could stand some decoration. What would you suggest? Sir,
[00:11:01] Unknown:
I'll be Oh, only when I know it will have the chicken.
[00:11:16] Unknown:
How would you go about decorating this out? Well, I start with the chicken. What is the chicken?
[00:11:24] Unknown:
Oh, you know. The chicken where you have your elected residuals in. Oh
[00:11:43] Unknown:
She's someone who needs new plates.
[00:11:49] Unknown:
Ma'am, I must take my departure, and I'll hold you calm when the rest is here.
[00:11:54] Unknown:
You bet you're, And I'm glad to have met you.
[00:11:58] Unknown:
And I just did it myself a fight. You make sure you have the accuracy.
[00:12:09] Unknown:
And I'll have it. There goes a nice girl. You bet you are. He's an inspericione and quite in the tracheon for the radio stick to him. Now cut it out. Cut it out. You get out. You have enough trouble with the stripes on it. I won't live in this house unless I have a bathtub now. Get on the phone and call the plumber. Okay.
[00:12:35] Unknown:
Coming up. Questions and tips. We fix this.
[00:12:52] Unknown:
I don't know. Why does a Positol drip drip drip drip? Positol drip drip drip drip. Positol drip drip drip drip. Positol drip drip drip. Positol drip drip drip. Positol drip drip drip. Positol can't Look, lady. I just bought a house out in the country, and it ain't got no bathtub.
[00:13:09] Unknown:
Well if the house is in the hospital why don't you wait until spring?
[00:13:13] Unknown:
I can't wait until spring. I'm going to attend Saturday night.
[00:13:18] Unknown:
Oh, alright. But remember that it's just starting to bathtub. However, I'll let you talk to officer Fawcett,
[00:13:26] Unknown:
Hot or cold? Connect me with Fawcett. Hello? Fawcett speaking. Hello. This is Luke Costello. I'd like to have a bath. Well, how long has it been since you had one? Of course. I didn't call you up to hear your dribble. I'm trying to get a new tub. Well, I'm awfully sorry. The only tub we have are wash tubs for commercial purposes. Now you take in washing What do you mean take in washing? I never washed in my life. Oh, you dirty thing. That's all. You'll never get a bathtub. Hold on. Just stick around. JAG Plumbing Company. Is this a plumber's? No. This is a plumber's plant.
Is that so? Well, I'm quite a plumber myself. Now by the way, have you got a used bathtub down there? No. We haven't. Why don't you look in this morning's paper? Why? Did somebody ever tie us a bathtub for sale? No. But Dick Tracy isn't a terrible mess. Well, here's where we get a bathtub. You got cello? This is a flop chop. Come on in, Lou. Oh, come right here, gentlemen. Welcome to ye olde poppy choppy. Could I interest you in a beautiful imported painting? It came all the way from Buffalo, Rome. Not just a minute, mister. Buffalo is in New York. There is no Buffalo roam. You mean you've never heard old deer be a home where the buffalo roam? Where the deer and the antelope play.
Where seldom is heard at the Cut it out. Cut it out, please. Mr. Schwab. Have you got an old cover on here? He is, but she's busy doing my laundry. And she's in the kitchen irony. Oh, you wanna get her to hire you? You're all wiped out. And this is Klaus. That's still a needs a bathtub for his new house. Do you happen to have one? Have I got a bathtub? Gentleman, just step over here and gaze at this beautiful piece of merchandise. You mean that broken down thing? That must be a hundred years old. Casella, how can you tell the age of a bathtub? I counted the rings around them. No, Casella. That's a pretty nice tub. Oh yeah? Look at the funny looking legs on it. What tub? Funny looking legs. Are you going to watch in it or dance with it?
No. Just a second. It's an old model, and I don't like to see from it. Look at the way it soldiers around the field. Bulges around the field, Now when you're that old, it'll happen to you too. This is how this is genuine antique. It was handed down from the revolutionary war. Handed it down. Looks like somebody dropped it. That sounds right, mister Blop. There's a big crack in the enamel. Well, the crack proves it's an antique. You read that plaque on the top. Okay. George Washington flipped here. Well, you see, you don't have to worry, Catello. The lady that owns that tub said she'd have the crack bin. The message? Of course she meant it if you wouldn't have said it. That's all. We're wasting time. How much do you want for the toughest? What? $14 I'll give you $8.08 dollars $8 for this magnificent top. Why I wouldn't even sell it to my old brother for $8 I'll give you $8 for that top. No.
Who's that? My brother. I make $14 and $14 it is. I only have one price. I'll give you 10. That's my price. Dollars 10. And maybe a $35 charge for delivery. Dollars 35 for delivery? Oh no you don't. Oh no. I'll take that stuff home myself on top of my car. Come on Abbott. Help me carry it out on a compliment. Gacela, how can we carry this stuff out to the car? It weighs over a thousand pounds. We'll make two trips. In order to save himself $35, our hero Costello is hauling his secondhand vest of robe on the top of his car. As we look in on him now, Abbott is at the wheel and Costello was on top of the car sitting in the tub to balance it. One tub sitting in another.
Hey. How are you getting along up there? Are you having trouble? Are you having trouble? Are you having trouble, Lou? Holding onto the pedal on top of the car. Yes. Have it? It's don't drive too fast. The pedal's gonna fall off. I don't wanna put another crack in my enamel. I am comfortable sitting in the tub. No. So so chilly up here. Hand me the stopper for the tub. The stopper? What for? Here's a little drop to allow the praise. Hey, David. What's your idea of driving over all those stuff? I'm trying to knock the edges off my cigar. What way are you driving? Look out for all of them.
What happened? Low bridge. All right. All right. You two. Pull over there to the curb. That's a trouble off this. Four car and seven years ago, how far I've been brought forth Just a minute. Just a minute. What's the idea of retiring the Gettysburg address? This happens to be the Lincoln Highway. Ultimate, do you happen to know my upper mic? He's a chief detective in Glendale. Here's his picture. See if you recognize me. Oh, yeah. Cock eyed Mike Cocktail. How did a man that took Cross eyed ever get to be a detective, Well, look at him. Can you tell who he's watching?
A wise guy. What's the idea riding around the street sitting on the top of your car in a bathtub? Have you tried to find an apartment with me? Well, get dressed with me, young lad, or I'll come up there and scrub you back to this club. Oh, yeah? Just because you got a uniform, you think it's tough, just take a coat off one. Okay. There. The coat's off. What about it? My. Hasn't he got beautiful suspenders? Why ain't that, Della? Call me, sir. We just bought this bad stuff. We're in a hurry to get it home. Alright. Don't help me. I'll have to give your fat friend a ticket. We're in there for an explosion. What do you mean? I'm sitting in the pub and all you can see is my face. With your face, it's in there for the explosion.
Well, Gastelope, here we are. Home of glass. Now how are we going to get this big tub into the house? I'll back the car across my neighbor's lawn and put the tub in through the dining room window. But the tub is too big. It won't go through the window. Papa, please. Let me handle this. Hey. I told you it wouldn't go through. Hey. Just a minute. Just a minute. What do you two hoodlums think you're doing? Driving across my lawn with that car. You ripped up my grass. You pressed my petunias. And you started my gladiators. Get back in the house before I practice your hollyhocks.
Now now, cut the hell out. Don't talk like that. This woman is your neighbor. And the old saying you could love your neighbor. Well, okay. You too. Put me down. Costello. You want me to call my father? No. Thanks. I don't think he'd appeal to me. Oh, come on, Cottle. Let's get into the house and set up the bathtub. Now, the first thing we have to do is to hook the pipes to the main. The main what? The main the water main. Where is the water main? I don't know where the water main is, but I know where the milk main is. Is it here in the morning? No. I'm talking about the water main. What runs under the ground from the street to your house? Copeland. Uh-oh.
Uncle Bud. Hello, Mr. Costello. What do you want, Norman? Well, I heard you bought a bathtub Costello, and I thought I'd help you install it. You know, we have a very mechanical family. Mechanical family is right. You're all wound up in Jersey. Oh, break it up Costello. Look. I'm going down in the basement and connect the pipe. I'm gonna connect the pipe to the tub to the hot water heater. You bore a hole in the before and shove the pipe down. Okay. Okay. Norman, hand me that drill. I've got a floor that's full. Hey, mister Casella. You must do a lot of this work.
Oh, not a great deal. Then why is this people always say they find you boring? Boring, that is. Hey, Casella. What are you doing up there? Bore a hole and put that pipe through. I don't have to bore a hole, haven't I found a couple of holes in the floor already? Oh, you can't use those. They're not holes. What do you mean they're not holes? They look like holes to me. Cartella, they are holes, but they're not holes. How can they be holes if they're not holes? Look, Cartella. A not hole is a hole, but it's not like a hole, and it's not a not hole. How do you like that? He can even sit down in the basement without starting a routine. Listen, I'm busy. I said it. Would you please dump those pipes down through the hole in the floor? Where are you at? Look through the hole in the floor and you can see me. Oh, how you came?
Where did you get those bitty little eyes in that mustache? You're locked you're looking in the wrong hole. That's a rat. Well, there is a family resemblance. Where's the pipe, that is? Okay. Okay. I'll connect these to the hot water heater. Right. Okay. Ready to take your bath. Oh, boy. My first bath in my new house. Now to remove my clothes and get in the tub. Are you ready, Adam? Yeah. Already. You can turn on the water now. I'm steaming in the rain. I'm flying on the rain. I'm stuck. He's been pacing. He's been walking. Hey. Hey. What's the matter, Castilla? Hand me a towel, Evan. But I can't see you, Castilla. Everything is suddenly gone black. The blackest me. You tell me you're connected to Tufts of the oil tank on a furnace.
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See website for details. Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chamba Casino. They have hundreds of social casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at Chumbacasino.com. No purchase necessary. VWO. Avoid where prohibited by laws. See terms and conditions 18 plus. Alright.
[00:01:03] Unknown:
Alright. Alright, Cicella. Listen to me. Do you know if tomorrow is Lincoln's birthday? Oh, sure. I already I already called him up and he read and I congratulate him. Why you dope Lincoln has been dead for over seventy five years. No wonder he didn't answer the phone. I can tell you that. You don't know the first thing about history. Hello? Ask me a question. Alright. What happened in, 2700? Abraham Lincoln was born. Right. And what happened in 1851? Well, now let me see now. Borges in '18. I got it. Lincoln was 52 years old. All right. Pulled Lincoln Gettysburg Address. Don't look at me. I didn't do it. Certainly didn't. Certainly you didn't. Well, give me credit. I may not be smart, but I'm honest. All right. All right. I'll try it. I'll try it with a question about Lincoln.
Now whose picture is on the $5 bill? Truman? No. General Myers? No, no, no. Thanks, sir. Honest. No. Wait a minute. Guys, this is to answer the question. Whose picture is on the $5 bill? I'll find out. Give me that phone. Hello, operator? Give me 6173. Hello, mister Atlee. This is an American citizen. I'd like to have you look at one of our $5 bills and tell me whose pictures on it. Well, well, is that so? Well, did you find out? No. He ain't got nothing smaller than a 20. That's just the beginning folks. Twenty seven odd minutes of Aberdeen Costello still to come. But first hear this. What's new at Compton? It's Frank L Atkinson. And in Los Angeles, Jack T Shamatou.
Up in San Jose we have Jack Walsh and Tony Tomasello. And down in Long Beach, Charles Simmons, more new PDQ dealer. Each decided for himself that PDQ was the name and the reputation and the quality to state the dream of personal business success and independence upon. If all goes well, these men in one, two or five years from now will have a lot more than a lapel button for good conduct to show for the long hours, the hard work, the confidence and experience that they will put into their filling station business. For they will have proven each in his own community among his customers and neighbors that an independent automotive expert conducting his own business offering automotive products of unbeatable quality will give the motorist more for his dollar. We think this is a very sound recommendation for the quality and the reputation of PDQ products.
And now, the Abbott and Costello show. Where have you been? I haven't seen you all week. Well, I've been moving, Abbott. I bought a house way out in the country. It's about a mile from Uncle Mike's place. What up, beautiful ranch, Abbott? I call it the Lumbago Ranch. Lumbago Ranch? Why does your name it Lumbago? Because it's got a creep in the back. You get it? Lumbagos. Creak in the back. I got it. I got it. I'm glad somebody got it. Just don't sit there, folks. You got it for nothing. I got it. Just gave you chocolate, didn't I?
Okay. Fine. Tell me. What do you want with a ranch? Well, I'm gonna raise monkeys. You bought a ranch to raise monkeys? You're a nut. What's better for a nut than a monkey ranch? Here's a picture of the farmhouse at it. What's that little house in the back? That's the garage. I bet you thought I was gonna say smoke all that. You bought yourself a new house. What condition is it in? Wonderful condition. I just had a painting and it didn't cost a cent. A doctor painted it for nothing. A doctor painted your house for nothing here. How How do you know it was a doctor? Trying to see him on a loop in big red letters. Says Doctor Pepper. Just a moment, doctor.
Who stole you this house? I got the house, from a Mr. Crowe. Mr. Crow? Yes. In order to get the house, they told me I'd have to go to e s Crow. E s Crow. That's escrow. That means you bought the house through the bank. Does the bank have a lien on your house? Does the bank have a what? A lien on your house. The bank ever lien on my house as it fell down. I'm talking about a mortgage. Who owns the paper on your house? Nobody. The paper was stuck on a house with glue. I'll never lie down. What kind of a plate did you buy? Do you have a large, patio? Let's not get personal.
I mean a patio with a barbecue. I do all my cooking in my patio. I knew you when you didn't have a patio to cook in. Stop that, Dallas. Don't you know anything about your new house? Don't you have it inspected? Did you have it inspected, Lou? Inspected for what? For floors. You might have floors in your house. Certainly I got floors. What do you think I walk on a ceiling? Never mind that. What period is your house? What period? Yes. Did you buy a a period house? No. I bought a house period. Well, Russell, I'm trying to find out if your house is Spanish, French, or English.
It's early American. How do you know? I found a couple of dead Indians in the attic. Who designed the house? Oh, the same architect that designed the Pyramids in Egypt. The Pyramids were designed by a man four thousand years ago. There's nothing like getting a man with experience, you know. Love, Castellate. You can tell what kind of a house. This is by the roof. Now is the roof shingle or tile? Of course. It's one of those What did you say? Is your is your roof shingle? Certainly a shingle. Whoever heard of a married roof? No. I'm talking about your rooftop. My WhatsApp? Rooftop. Roof. Roof. Yeah. But I can't even see you're saying there's a dog barking stuff right here.
Look, Fatima. Did you notice if it was tile on top of your roof? Now what would a tile be doing on top of my roof? Please drive your hole down the chimney and tear the feet of his house. No. No. No. No. I'm talking about a tile roof. A tile roof is held together by his mortar. By what? Mortar? Mortar. Don't you know what mortar is? Certainly my mortar is the woman that married my daughter. And I mean, if it's tile, the motor keeps the house dry. At my house, it's the motor who keeps the tile dry. At my motor, no. Hey, Cassel. I'm trying to tell you that the motor holds the tile on the roof. What kind of a motor would hold a tile on the roof? Love it. Of all the stupid idiots I'm trying to tell you the tile is plastered on the roof. Now there's a pretty picture. A little tile plastered on the roof. Well let me say, please. I have a tile roof on my house. You also have a tile tail on your shoulders. Now when the roof is tiled they spread the tile on the roof and flash it with water. The tile runs across the roof and down the gutter. So that in case of a shower the tile drains into a pipe or a spout and keeps everybody in the house from getting soaked. That's enough, habit. This time you've gone too far and I'm glad I found you up. Pound me up. What do you mean? I'm glad I found you up. What do you mean by that? I didn't mind so much when you said that a shingle roof could have its pile. I didn't even care when you said that the pile was on top of my house. But when you said that that poor little pile was taken a shower with a pipe in its mouth and run us down the gutter to get blasted with his motor, not only have you attacked the sanctity of the American home, but you haven't chewed on the bill of rights and cast asparagus on the Atlanta charter.
Come on, Godzilla. We're going out and look at that out. Boy. Well, here we are, Abbott. This is my new home. And since you and me have been pals for so many years, I'm gonna ask you to move in here with me. Well, Cartelena, that's mighty sweet of me. I want you to know that I will be only too happy to live here with you for the rest of my life. Okay. Now will you carry me across the threshold? Okay. Down and stop acting silly. Let's let's go in and and look the new house up. Come on. Oh. Oh. Welcome home, mister Gotzello. I'll be check your hat. Now welcome home, mister Costello. Me taking you close? Who are you two guys? Oh, just a couple of tiny stackers. Now they're starting to plummet stairs.
Never mind them Costello. Now about my room. I'd like a room with a bath. That's this is a farm. All you get is a room with a pad. Costello, are you crazy? Domestic help. I can't afford a full staff. Then get a skeleton staff. I will as soon as I can find a skeleton that will work for seven bones a week. How do you do, miss? I'm Luca Cello. I'm the owner of this new house. Yes. Congratulations. I'm your position. I'm a
[00:10:35] Unknown:
beautiful view. Beautiful view. Beautiful. Beautiful what?
[00:10:47] Unknown:
This thing sounds like she swallowed a tobacco or can hear. Right, Priscilla. Miss, this place could stand some decoration. What would you suggest? Sir,
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I'll be Oh, only when I know it will have the chicken.
[00:11:16] Unknown:
How would you go about decorating this out? Well, I start with the chicken. What is the chicken?
[00:11:24] Unknown:
Oh, you know. The chicken where you have your elected residuals in. Oh
[00:11:43] Unknown:
She's someone who needs new plates.
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Ma'am, I must take my departure, and I'll hold you calm when the rest is here.
[00:11:54] Unknown:
You bet you're, And I'm glad to have met you.
[00:11:58] Unknown:
And I just did it myself a fight. You make sure you have the accuracy.
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And I'll have it. There goes a nice girl. You bet you are. He's an inspericione and quite in the tracheon for the radio stick to him. Now cut it out. Cut it out. You get out. You have enough trouble with the stripes on it. I won't live in this house unless I have a bathtub now. Get on the phone and call the plumber. Okay.
[00:12:35] Unknown:
Coming up. Questions and tips. We fix this.
[00:12:52] Unknown:
I don't know. Why does a Positol drip drip drip drip? Positol drip drip drip drip. Positol drip drip drip drip. Positol drip drip drip. Positol drip drip drip. Positol drip drip drip. Positol can't Look, lady. I just bought a house out in the country, and it ain't got no bathtub.
[00:13:09] Unknown:
Well if the house is in the hospital why don't you wait until spring?
[00:13:13] Unknown:
I can't wait until spring. I'm going to attend Saturday night.
[00:13:18] Unknown:
Oh, alright. But remember that it's just starting to bathtub. However, I'll let you talk to officer Fawcett,
[00:13:26] Unknown:
Hot or cold? Connect me with Fawcett. Hello? Fawcett speaking. Hello. This is Luke Costello. I'd like to have a bath. Well, how long has it been since you had one? Of course. I didn't call you up to hear your dribble. I'm trying to get a new tub. Well, I'm awfully sorry. The only tub we have are wash tubs for commercial purposes. Now you take in washing What do you mean take in washing? I never washed in my life. Oh, you dirty thing. That's all. You'll never get a bathtub. Hold on. Just stick around. JAG Plumbing Company. Is this a plumber's? No. This is a plumber's plant.
Is that so? Well, I'm quite a plumber myself. Now by the way, have you got a used bathtub down there? No. We haven't. Why don't you look in this morning's paper? Why? Did somebody ever tie us a bathtub for sale? No. But Dick Tracy isn't a terrible mess. Well, here's where we get a bathtub. You got cello? This is a flop chop. Come on in, Lou. Oh, come right here, gentlemen. Welcome to ye olde poppy choppy. Could I interest you in a beautiful imported painting? It came all the way from Buffalo, Rome. Not just a minute, mister. Buffalo is in New York. There is no Buffalo roam. You mean you've never heard old deer be a home where the buffalo roam? Where the deer and the antelope play.
Where seldom is heard at the Cut it out. Cut it out, please. Mr. Schwab. Have you got an old cover on here? He is, but she's busy doing my laundry. And she's in the kitchen irony. Oh, you wanna get her to hire you? You're all wiped out. And this is Klaus. That's still a needs a bathtub for his new house. Do you happen to have one? Have I got a bathtub? Gentleman, just step over here and gaze at this beautiful piece of merchandise. You mean that broken down thing? That must be a hundred years old. Casella, how can you tell the age of a bathtub? I counted the rings around them. No, Casella. That's a pretty nice tub. Oh yeah? Look at the funny looking legs on it. What tub? Funny looking legs. Are you going to watch in it or dance with it?
No. Just a second. It's an old model, and I don't like to see from it. Look at the way it soldiers around the field. Bulges around the field, Now when you're that old, it'll happen to you too. This is how this is genuine antique. It was handed down from the revolutionary war. Handed it down. Looks like somebody dropped it. That sounds right, mister Blop. There's a big crack in the enamel. Well, the crack proves it's an antique. You read that plaque on the top. Okay. George Washington flipped here. Well, you see, you don't have to worry, Catello. The lady that owns that tub said she'd have the crack bin. The message? Of course she meant it if you wouldn't have said it. That's all. We're wasting time. How much do you want for the toughest? What? $14 I'll give you $8.08 dollars $8 for this magnificent top. Why I wouldn't even sell it to my old brother for $8 I'll give you $8 for that top. No.
Who's that? My brother. I make $14 and $14 it is. I only have one price. I'll give you 10. That's my price. Dollars 10. And maybe a $35 charge for delivery. Dollars 35 for delivery? Oh no you don't. Oh no. I'll take that stuff home myself on top of my car. Come on Abbott. Help me carry it out on a compliment. Gacela, how can we carry this stuff out to the car? It weighs over a thousand pounds. We'll make two trips. In order to save himself $35, our hero Costello is hauling his secondhand vest of robe on the top of his car. As we look in on him now, Abbott is at the wheel and Costello was on top of the car sitting in the tub to balance it. One tub sitting in another.
Hey. How are you getting along up there? Are you having trouble? Are you having trouble? Are you having trouble, Lou? Holding onto the pedal on top of the car. Yes. Have it? It's don't drive too fast. The pedal's gonna fall off. I don't wanna put another crack in my enamel. I am comfortable sitting in the tub. No. So so chilly up here. Hand me the stopper for the tub. The stopper? What for? Here's a little drop to allow the praise. Hey, David. What's your idea of driving over all those stuff? I'm trying to knock the edges off my cigar. What way are you driving? Look out for all of them.
What happened? Low bridge. All right. All right. You two. Pull over there to the curb. That's a trouble off this. Four car and seven years ago, how far I've been brought forth Just a minute. Just a minute. What's the idea of retiring the Gettysburg address? This happens to be the Lincoln Highway. Ultimate, do you happen to know my upper mic? He's a chief detective in Glendale. Here's his picture. See if you recognize me. Oh, yeah. Cock eyed Mike Cocktail. How did a man that took Cross eyed ever get to be a detective, Well, look at him. Can you tell who he's watching?
A wise guy. What's the idea riding around the street sitting on the top of your car in a bathtub? Have you tried to find an apartment with me? Well, get dressed with me, young lad, or I'll come up there and scrub you back to this club. Oh, yeah? Just because you got a uniform, you think it's tough, just take a coat off one. Okay. There. The coat's off. What about it? My. Hasn't he got beautiful suspenders? Why ain't that, Della? Call me, sir. We just bought this bad stuff. We're in a hurry to get it home. Alright. Don't help me. I'll have to give your fat friend a ticket. We're in there for an explosion. What do you mean? I'm sitting in the pub and all you can see is my face. With your face, it's in there for the explosion.
Well, Gastelope, here we are. Home of glass. Now how are we going to get this big tub into the house? I'll back the car across my neighbor's lawn and put the tub in through the dining room window. But the tub is too big. It won't go through the window. Papa, please. Let me handle this. Hey. I told you it wouldn't go through. Hey. Just a minute. Just a minute. What do you two hoodlums think you're doing? Driving across my lawn with that car. You ripped up my grass. You pressed my petunias. And you started my gladiators. Get back in the house before I practice your hollyhocks.
Now now, cut the hell out. Don't talk like that. This woman is your neighbor. And the old saying you could love your neighbor. Well, okay. You too. Put me down. Costello. You want me to call my father? No. Thanks. I don't think he'd appeal to me. Oh, come on, Cottle. Let's get into the house and set up the bathtub. Now, the first thing we have to do is to hook the pipes to the main. The main what? The main the water main. Where is the water main? I don't know where the water main is, but I know where the milk main is. Is it here in the morning? No. I'm talking about the water main. What runs under the ground from the street to your house? Copeland. Uh-oh.
Uncle Bud. Hello, Mr. Costello. What do you want, Norman? Well, I heard you bought a bathtub Costello, and I thought I'd help you install it. You know, we have a very mechanical family. Mechanical family is right. You're all wound up in Jersey. Oh, break it up Costello. Look. I'm going down in the basement and connect the pipe. I'm gonna connect the pipe to the tub to the hot water heater. You bore a hole in the before and shove the pipe down. Okay. Okay. Norman, hand me that drill. I've got a floor that's full. Hey, mister Casella. You must do a lot of this work.
Oh, not a great deal. Then why is this people always say they find you boring? Boring, that is. Hey, Casella. What are you doing up there? Bore a hole and put that pipe through. I don't have to bore a hole, haven't I found a couple of holes in the floor already? Oh, you can't use those. They're not holes. What do you mean they're not holes? They look like holes to me. Cartella, they are holes, but they're not holes. How can they be holes if they're not holes? Look, Cartella. A not hole is a hole, but it's not like a hole, and it's not a not hole. How do you like that? He can even sit down in the basement without starting a routine. Listen, I'm busy. I said it. Would you please dump those pipes down through the hole in the floor? Where are you at? Look through the hole in the floor and you can see me. Oh, how you came?
Where did you get those bitty little eyes in that mustache? You're locked you're looking in the wrong hole. That's a rat. Well, there is a family resemblance. Where's the pipe, that is? Okay. Okay. I'll connect these to the hot water heater. Right. Okay. Ready to take your bath. Oh, boy. My first bath in my new house. Now to remove my clothes and get in the tub. Are you ready, Adam? Yeah. Already. You can turn on the water now. I'm steaming in the rain. I'm flying on the rain. I'm stuck. He's been pacing. He's been walking. Hey. Hey. What's the matter, Castilla? Hand me a towel, Evan. But I can't see you, Castilla. Everything is suddenly gone black. The blackest me. You tell me you're connected to Tufts of the oil tank on a furnace.
