In this lively episode, we dive into the comedic world of Abbott and Costello as they prepare for a Thanksgiving dinner. The episode kicks off with a light-hearted introduction to Chumba Casino, setting the tone for a day filled with humor and unexpected twists. As the duo navigates through the chaos of preparing a formal dinner, Costello's antics and misunderstandings provide endless laughs. From confusing etiquette with 'antickety' to his unique approach to eating peas, Costello's charm and Abbott's exasperation create a delightful comedic dynamic.
The episode continues with a series of humorous exchanges, including Costello's attempts at cooking and his interactions with various guests. The comedic timing is impeccable as Costello misunderstands instructions, leading to a series of laugh-out-loud moments. The show concludes with a Thanksgiving dinner gone awry, complete with mistaken identities and a missing pearl necklace. This episode is a testament to Abbott and Costello's timeless humor, leaving listeners in stitches and eagerly anticipating their next comedic adventure.
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Unknown:
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[00:01:31] Unknown:
Listen to the great rhythm of Freddie Rich at his orchestra, the swingy singing of Connie Haines. And this being Thanksgiving Day, we recall this touching scene. As the good ship Mayflower landed at Plymouth Rock, the captain shouted to the Indian chief.
[00:01:58] Unknown:
Costello. Costello, do you realize it's 07:00? Where have you been? Oh, I haven't. I just came from your house. And have I got news for you? What is it? Your cat just had chicken? My cat had chicken. Yep. My cat had chicken. Yep. You mean kittens? Cats don't have chicken. What was that you brought home in a paper bag last night? Had chickens. Well, your cat just had them. You mean that cat ate my chickens?
[00:02:21] Unknown:
He swallowed the chickens bag and all. Why why didn't you take them away from him? You know me, Abbot. I ate the pipe that would let the bag out of the cat. Oh. I said that wrong.
[00:02:32] Unknown:
Well, I've got plenty of other food around the house. Oh, by the way, Abbot What? Being that this is Thanksgiving Day Yes. I I hate to think of you eating alone. What do you mean? What do you say to having Thanksgiving dinner with me? Well, why that's, mighty fine of you, Costello. Good. At what time? 08:00 at your house. Oh, no. No. No. No. No. You'll get no. No. You'll get no turkey at my house. Then how about a little duck? Duck? Yeah. That's a chicken with snow shoes on. Hey, look. I'm sorry, Costello. You can't come to my house for Thanksgiving. I'm having a dinner for the snooty set. Oh, the snooty set. You heard me. No. I'm not good enough to eat with pigs. No. No. No. Will you listen to me, please? I'm listener. Tonight, I'm entertaining a few of the 400. A few of the 400. Yes. That's 800 altogether. No. No. No. No. No. No. Just the 400. That's what I said. That's what I said. That's your line. Thank you. Well? Well, just because they weigh a little more than me, that don't make them any better than I am. But how long talk talk then, please? I I couldn't have you at my house. This is going to be a very classy affair. Why I have a I have a little silver tray to brush the crumbs on. Crumbs? Mhmm. Certainly, don't you have crumbs at your table? Sure, rabbit. You're welcome anytime.
There you go. You have absolutely no finesse. Know what? I said you have no finesse. What would I do with a finesse?
[00:03:45] Unknown:
In California, you don't need a finesse. If it gets cold, we print on the gas key turn. Alright, customer. Look. I didn't say War of the radiator.
[00:03:57] Unknown:
I didn't say But he's getting like four years. Alright. Look. Look, please. I War now? Alright. Alright. I didn't say furnace in the first place. I said finance finance. I don't know why you're saying it. Alright. You're getting me all mixed up here. Look. I'm trying to tell you listen to me, please. Your table manners are terrible. The last time you had dinner at my house, you did nothing but reach across the table and grab for the food. So what was wrong with that? What was wrong with that? You've got a tongue, haven't you? Yeah. But I can reach further with my arm. There you go again, Costello. You seem you know nothing at all about the proper way to eat. You have no etiquette. I got no what? You you have no etiquette.
Etiquette? Yes. You heard me. You don't even know how to say the word etiquette. Yeah. You don't What do you mean? And tickety. No. It's it's etiquette.
[00:04:44] Unknown:
Well, etiquette and tickety is the same thing anyway. So what? Well, I'll go out and I'll buy one of them books on etiquette by Emily Pillar. Emily Pillar? Yeah. That's, that's Emily Post. Okay. I'll read the both of both of them. I'll go from pillar to post.
[00:04:57] Unknown:
Well, you should read that book, Costello. It would tell you a lot of things. For instance, which is, proper to use when eating peas? A fork or a spoon? I I don't use either one. Well, how do you eat your peas? Oh, I just slide my lower lip under the plate and thank the peas off the mashed potatoes.
[00:05:12] Unknown:
That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right the mashed potatoes goes in my ears. Yes. I can imagine. Sloppy,
[00:05:18] Unknown:
Yeah. Yeah. Castello, you haven't got the brains of a two year old child. Oh, I wouldn't say that. Why not? Look at the difference in our ages. The way you act, I could never have you at my table. Look, Abbot. If you know so much about manners, just answer me this one thing. You want it? Which hand do you stir your coffee with? I stir my coffee with my right hand. That's funny. Most people use a spoon. That's all happening. That settles it, You ain't got no etiquette. Yeah. That settles everything. I was just about to break down and invite you for dinner, but now you had to be a smart aleck. Wait wait a minute, Abbot. Yeah. You did. Wait a minute. Now you're my old pal. I can't help it. You can't do this to me. Well, I did. You gotta invite me to dinner on Thanksgiving. I ain't got no place to go. I'm sorry. You can't, you old French dog.
[00:06:01] Unknown:
Look at me, Abbot. Yeah. I only weigh ninety pounds now. Ninety pounds.
[00:06:07] Unknown:
Why, you're fifty six inches around the waist. Yeah. But I'm hollow. Alright. Look. Alright. Alright. You can come to dinner, Costello. But you'll have to make yourself useful. Now get there early and wait on the table. Why should I wait on a table? Why can't I wait in Apollo with the rest of the people? No. No. You dummy. I mean, I want I don't wanna sit on your table waiting. I mean, I want you to help with the serving. Now the first, the first course will be orders. Of course, you know what orders are. Yeah. That's French for leftovers. No. No. That's all orders are snacks. Now you take care of the ladies first. It's, it's up to you to see that each lady gets a snack. Are the husbands gonna be there? Certainly. Then I ain't gonna do it. What? Do what? I ain't gonna go around snacking the ladies.
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Their husbands will be able to come around and snack me.
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On second thought, you'd better stay out in the kitchen and help with the iced dressing. Why haven't? What's the matter? What you said? What what what what's wrong? You ought to be ashamed of yourself talking that way to a boy of my age. What do you mean? I'm just at the age of picking things up like that. Wrong? Why it's a good thing my mother isn't here. Oh, the shame of it all. What are you talking about? How dare you ask me to help with the oyster dress What do you mean? Now look at it. I didn't mind when you said I had to wait for you on a table, and I was only mildly surprised when you asked me to snack all the ladies, especially in front of their husband. But when you have the nerve to ask me to go
[00:07:29] Unknown:
out in the kitchen and dress a bunch of naked oysters, you not only humiliify me, but you have impuged on my good name.
[00:07:42] Unknown:
Tomorrow on the back cover of Life Magazine, you'll see a very stirring set of pictures under the title pair of aces back to back. A navy dauntless dive bomber attacking a Japanese carrier. Notice too the pair of flyers, the pair of aces in the lower left hand corner, and read the words they're saying. I quote, Camel's our cigarettes suits the throat and the taste to a t, unquote. C A M E L F. Camels. They're aces with the aces. Could be with you
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too.
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Here is Freddie Rich with
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Java Dumpsters. You have to cut out that singing in the kitchen. You're disturbing the guest. What happened? I always sing when I'm making sour milk biscuits. Sour milk biscuits? Sure. We haven't got any sour milk. You will have when I get through singing. And many little baby lips shut down shut down. Nelsonetti better save us money. Alright. Look. Cut the cut the look. What are you doing there? What's all that stuff you're putting in? How to do it? What does it say? First, I gotta put in two tubs of butter. Two tubs of butter. Sure. It says right here in the cookbook. Butter. Two TBS tubs.
That's tablespoon. I threw them in two. You threw
[00:10:22] Unknown:
what else did you put in there? I put in some flour, salt, baking powder, and three gallops of molasses. Three gallops. What are gullops? You know Abbott. When you pour the molasses out of the jug, it goes scallop, scallop, scallop.
[00:10:34] Unknown:
I I put in three of those. Look, Costello. I I don't want you to do any cooking. I've got a chef coming here to take care of that. I thought you'd be out here singeing the feathers off the goose. Doing what? Singeing singeing. Don't you know how to singe? Sure. I know how to singe. I was singeing when you came in. My man was made up begging. I'm so sorry. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No Singe singeing gets the down off the goose. Didn't you ever get down off a goose?
[00:11:01] Unknown:
Oh. Oh. Did you read that right? Yes.
[00:11:06] Unknown:
Well, didn't you? Did I have a what? Didn't you ever get down off a goose? No. I got down off a horse. No. No.
[00:11:12] Unknown:
No. No. I never rode a goose.
[00:11:15] Unknown:
No. It's that much windmill. Oh, thank goodness.
[00:11:19] Unknown:
Here comes the chef. Hey. I got on chocolate. Yes. Cooking. I'm at the end.
[00:11:29] Unknown:
Chisel, don't tell me that you're the cook.
[00:11:32] Unknown:
Could be. You know something over in Paris I am known as the famous French chef Pierre Rene. You're the great Rene? That's I am. Yeah. Then what are you doing in California? Oh, I always come here in the rainy season.
[00:11:48] Unknown:
The rainy season? Yeah. This guy's a washer. Never mind that, Costello. Look. We've gotta get my Thanksgiving dinner cooked, please. Kitsil. You'll find all the utensils in that big cupboard over there. Oh, please pass utensils. You say, who needs your utensils? I brought along my own pa. That's the first pot I ever saw with a belt around.
[00:12:10] Unknown:
Castello, please keep out of this. Kitsil, do you know anything about cooking game? Do I know how to cook game while I'm cooking the finest pineapple you ever tasted?
[00:12:21] Unknown:
You, cook pineapple? Sure. Pienacke. Oh. Look, Kitzel, I don't wanna get personal, but why don't you pull in your tongue? Nobody ordered cold
[00:12:30] Unknown:
cuts. Look. Never mind that, Costello. Kissel, get busy, please, and get the dinner ready. No. No. No. Just a second. Just a second, my little man. Don't get excited. First, I got to open my little bag and get out my chisels and saws. What chisels and saws? Twin chisels and creme de re saw.
[00:12:48] Unknown:
You know, kitchen was too bad you didn't bring your monkey wrench. Well, for goodness sake, what would I be doing with a monkey wrench? Well, you could tighten the nuts on a fruitcake.
[00:13:05] Unknown:
Stop, Priscilla, please. Will you get busy and help get to? I'm going into the living room and see if any of my guests have arrived yet. Sebastian.
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Sebastian.
[00:13:17] Unknown:
Shut off that radio. Shut it off. My old Sebastian.
[00:13:21] Unknown:
Well, I just come over to help you out, uncle Butt, and I thought the guest would like some nice romantic music. Romantic music? Mhmm. Oh, that tiger isn't romantic music. It is to another tiger.
[00:13:34] Unknown:
Alright. Now look, Sebastian. If you're going to hang around here, you'll have to behave yourself. Now this is going to be a very formal Thanksgiving dinner. The men will all wear tails. Tails. Who's coming? Mickey Mouse? No. Will you please listen, Sebastian? It will be your job to usher the people into the dining room. I will sit at the head of the table. Ken Niles will sit on my right hand, and Connie Haines will sit on my left hand. Ken Niles is gonna sit on your right hand? That's right. And Connie Haines will sit on your left hand? That's right. How are you gonna eat with your feet? No. No. No. Look. When you get all the people seated, you go to the kitchen. Then when I ring this little dinner bell, your brother will hand me the carving knife and you give me the bird.
[00:14:11] Unknown:
In front of everybody?
[00:14:14] Unknown:
That'll do, Sebastian. I'll go out in the kitchen and, make some ice water, and I do hope you can make ice water. Yeah. Sure. You just peel a onion. An onion? Yeah. That'll make your ice water.
[00:14:26] Unknown:
Sebastian, ice water is frozen water. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Then what is frozen ink? I stink. You don't get no ice even on a meat. Right? What?
[00:14:44] Unknown:
This.
[00:14:45] Unknown:
Connie Haynes in a current revival of a great song, the sunny side of the street.
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Radical and get your head. Leave your worry
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on the doorstep. Just direct your feet to
[00:16:38] Unknown:
You have read in the papers how people are smoking so much more and how cigarettes are being shipped to our fighting men overseas in huge quantities. And if your dealer occasionally should say, sorry, sir. We're out of camels today. Don't let that stop you from asking for camels the very next time you're buying cigarettes. Remember that Camels rich, full flavor, and kind cool mildness make Camels worth asking for again and again because war or peace, Camel is still Camel. And your t zone, that's t for taste and t for throat, will confirm that statement. C a m t l. Camels. Now as always, the cigarette of costlier tobacco.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we take you to the home of Bud Abbott where a formal Thanksgiving dinner is about to be served. Costello has been working in the kitchen all day like a dog, but he is now ready to face the guest. Let us look in on this dog face.
[00:17:45] Unknown:
Costello. Costello. The guests are arriving. Open the door and announce them as they come in. Mister and missus Zed Blank, mister and missus Phil Krasner.
[00:17:53] Unknown:
And now Hip Squeak, Knight of the Garter, Lord Beaver Board, Knight of the Bath, and Hetty Lamar. Hetty Lamar isn't here. I was thinking of another night.
[00:18:07] Unknown:
Young man, how dare you leave me standing here? Kindly get my card and last match. Okay.
[00:18:13] Unknown:
Hillside 2183. Ask for Hazel.
[00:18:17] Unknown:
If a man answers, hang up. Wrong pack. Wrong
[00:18:22] Unknown:
fact. That isn't my card. Sorry. I got that mixed up with one of my own. Costello. What's your manners? Okay. This is lady, Jennifer Cookiecutter.
[00:18:31] Unknown:
This little boy, my home, you know, is Glendinning On The Tyne.
[00:18:36] Unknown:
Glendinning On The Tyne? Then you must know my great aunt Harriet, the old Gerber's Bullock, did you know? Oh, from Glendinning On The Tyne? No. From hitchhiking on oil trucks. Alright. That's enough, Costello. Take, lady Jennifer's coat and I will escort her to the table. Oh, by all means, the table. Oh, I'm so hungry. I could eat a horse. Yeah. Castello. Castello, get that horse out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here. And, please please bring lady Jennifer a cocktail. Yes.
[00:19:14] Unknown:
Make it a martini, with a black olive. You drink Martini with a black olive? Yes. I'm in mourning for my husband.
[00:19:22] Unknown:
If I was you, Lady Jennifer, I would lay off those Martini. They're pretty hot. Costello, what makes you think they're hot? Of course. I just poured one. When I dropped the olive in, the olive stuck out its pimiento.
[00:19:35] Unknown:
Oh, oh, boy, that's great, mister Carton, mister Abbott. I have a little, Thanksgiving present for you. A nice, fat Belgian hair. I raised them, you know. Oh, thank you, lady Jennifer. Castillo, take lady Jennifer's hair.
[00:19:48] Unknown:
Take her what? Take her hair and put it in the icebox. Okay. Have it no. No. No. You're good. Castillo,
[00:19:55] Unknown:
now look what you've done. Speak to lady Jennifer. Hello, Baldy.
[00:20:07] Unknown:
Oh.
[00:20:08] Unknown:
I've never been doing sausage in all my life. Come lady Jennifer. I'll show you one of the table. I'll show you.
[00:20:14] Unknown:
That's a line right, not under that table. Oh, no. I'm sorry, missus Jennifer.
[00:20:18] Unknown:
I'll show you to the table. Very well. You may hit my arm. Does that come off too?
[00:20:25] Unknown:
Castello get busy and serve the dinner. And remember, I don't want to see your thumb in the soup. Okay. Lord Beaverbrook.
[00:20:33] Unknown:
Ward, pardon me, mister Beaver Ward. It's not quite alright. It's quite alright, please. What bottle of turkey would you like? Well, I'm a flyer. I'll take the wing.
[00:20:43] Unknown:
And, pretty rich. Well, I'm a musician. I'll take the dumpstick. And Sebastian, what part of the turkey would you like? Well, you could skip me. I'm a seven kid. I hope somebody will remember me. I like the neck. I like the neck too, Connie. I'll meet you out on the front porch. That's how to keep quiet and serve the soup. And remember, I don't want to see your thumb in it. No. No. Use the French phone. I don't speak French. Oh, here. Please. Here. I'll call him. Operator, give me the police. Hurry up. Hello. Police department. This is Bud Abbott's home. There's been a robbery here. Come over at once. Well, here we are. We're from headquarters. What took you so long? So
[00:21:45] Unknown:
long. All the head? What took you so long? So long? What? You're leaving already? Now shut up, you. You look suspicious. Suspicious. Stick up your hands and reach for the ceiling. Okay. But I know I won't make it, Diane.
[00:21:59] Unknown:
Officer, there has been a robbery here. The lights went out, and somebody stole Lady Jennifer's pearl necklace.
[00:22:06] Unknown:
I stole a necklace here. Somebody will get the jug for this. Sounds like you've had it already. Come on. Come on. Line up against the wall, and you too, bad boy. What's your name?
[00:22:22] Unknown:
Anas Luke Costello.
[00:22:25] Unknown:
Costello, ain't you got a relative, doing time at Alcatraz?
[00:22:31] Unknown:
Yes, sir. That's my uncle Stebbins. They put him in for something he didn't do. For something he didn't do? Yeah. He didn't wipe off his fingerprints when he robbed the bank.
[00:22:42] Unknown:
Now get in line there. I'll take this gentleman first. What's your name? Lord Beevleborg. Where were you sitting when the necklace was stolen? Well, I You lie. Ouch. How long have you known lady Jennifer? Well, I You lie. Ouch. Get rid of him fast, Tony. Alright, sergeant. Drag this man out of here. Now Castello, you're next. I think there are others ahead of me. I'm ready to take you now. But I don't wanna be selfish.
[00:23:12] Unknown:
Women and children first.
[00:23:15] Unknown:
Sit down there in a chair. Just a minute. Who are you shoving? Who are you shoving? I'm shoving you and what's about it. I just wanted to be sure. Now where was you when the lights went out? I was You lied. I expected it. Ouch. Happy hapapa. What's the matter? Look, why did he Did you hurt your head? No. But it broke my shoelaces. Shut up, you. Now I'm going to question the little guy here. Oh, no. Not that. You can't question my little fellow Sebastian. And why not? There's only one head between us. I'm playing both parts. Oh, doctor. No. Just a moment, officer. There's been a horrible mistake. My phone went stone at the stall.
[00:23:59] Unknown:
They slipped off my neck into my tapioca.
[00:24:01] Unknown:
Well, leave them there. You look better wearing, tapioca. What happened to Costello? But wait wait a minute. There's one thing I can't understand, Costello. Who turned out the lights when you were serving dinner?
[00:24:13] Unknown:
I turned them out on Cobalt. Sebastian. Why did you turn the lights off? Because you said you didn't wanna see Louis come in the soup.
[00:24:23] Unknown:
Sebastian. Do you realize what you did? You almost got me arrested. Your brother. They might have thrown me in jail. Then I would have to walk around with the power of the prison on my noble brow. Why did you do such things to your loving brother, Sebastian?
[00:24:39] Unknown:
Oh, I'm my bad
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boy.
[00:24:52] Unknown:
Evan and Castello will be back in a moment.
[00:24:58] Unknown:
Thanks to the Yanks of the Week. Tonight, we salute Lieutenant Thomas a McKenzie of Auburn, Kentucky. Fighting off unconsciousness from plaque wounds in his chest, this bombardier hero completed his bomb run without even letting his own crewmates know he was wounded. In your honor, Lieutenant McKenzie, the makers of camels are sending to our fighters overseas 400,000 camel cigarettes.
[00:25:28] Unknown:
Each of the three camel radio shows honors the yank of the week by sending free 400,000 camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million camels sent free each week. In this country, the camel caravans traveling from camp to camp have thanked audiences of more than 4,000,000 yanks with free shows and free camels. Camel broadcasts go out to The United States Three times a week. I rebroadcast to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Jimmy Durante and Gary Moore. Monday to Bob Hawke in thanks to the yanks. And next Thursday to Abbott and Costello. And now here are by Abbott and Lou Costello with the final word. Well, Costello,
[00:26:04] Unknown:
now that we've done our show, let's get home and have our turkey. Yeah? I think it's a good idea because I'm just about ready for it now. Did you make the stuffing? Yeah. I did. I made grand stuff. You did, Yeah. I ground up a lot of bread crumbs, and I put in some garlic. Oh, that's right. Put in a little onions, and I put in some more garlic, then a whole lot of onion Yeah. Then a whole lot of garlic and a whole lot of more onions? Yeah. Then a whole lot of garlic and a whole lot of more onions? Wait a minute. And then a little more Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Did you taste it? Taste it? I couldn't even get near it. Oh,
[00:26:31] Unknown:
good night, folks. Good night. Good night, everybody.
[00:26:48] Unknown:
Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbott and Costello Show. And remember, try Camel's on your throat and your taste. See for yourself how Camel's mildness, coolness, and flavor sticks with you. The Abbott and Costello Show for Campbell cigarettes will be back at this very same time next week. Don't miss it. This is Ken Niles in Hollywood wishing you all a pleasant. Good night.
[00:28:02] Unknown:
Wings are here. Oh, from No. I'd never order from anymore. Papa's now has wings in five flavors. Ghost pepper, roasted garlic Parmesan, sweet and spicy, signature hot, and honey barbecue, marinated in Louisiana spices, hand battered and flipped. Makes no sense. They're $5.99 for six pieces. Taste them.
[00:28:20] Unknown:
Crunchy outside. And juicy inside. Consider me a convert.
[00:28:24] Unknown:
That's the most romantic thing you've said to me all month. We don't make sense. We make chicken.
[00:28:31] Unknown:
Price may vary.
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[00:01:31] Unknown:
Listen to the great rhythm of Freddie Rich at his orchestra, the swingy singing of Connie Haines. And this being Thanksgiving Day, we recall this touching scene. As the good ship Mayflower landed at Plymouth Rock, the captain shouted to the Indian chief.
[00:01:58] Unknown:
Costello. Costello, do you realize it's 07:00? Where have you been? Oh, I haven't. I just came from your house. And have I got news for you? What is it? Your cat just had chicken? My cat had chicken. Yep. My cat had chicken. Yep. You mean kittens? Cats don't have chicken. What was that you brought home in a paper bag last night? Had chickens. Well, your cat just had them. You mean that cat ate my chickens?
[00:02:21] Unknown:
He swallowed the chickens bag and all. Why why didn't you take them away from him? You know me, Abbot. I ate the pipe that would let the bag out of the cat. Oh. I said that wrong.
[00:02:32] Unknown:
Well, I've got plenty of other food around the house. Oh, by the way, Abbot What? Being that this is Thanksgiving Day Yes. I I hate to think of you eating alone. What do you mean? What do you say to having Thanksgiving dinner with me? Well, why that's, mighty fine of you, Costello. Good. At what time? 08:00 at your house. Oh, no. No. No. No. No. You'll get no. No. You'll get no turkey at my house. Then how about a little duck? Duck? Yeah. That's a chicken with snow shoes on. Hey, look. I'm sorry, Costello. You can't come to my house for Thanksgiving. I'm having a dinner for the snooty set. Oh, the snooty set. You heard me. No. I'm not good enough to eat with pigs. No. No. No. Will you listen to me, please? I'm listener. Tonight, I'm entertaining a few of the 400. A few of the 400. Yes. That's 800 altogether. No. No. No. No. No. No. Just the 400. That's what I said. That's what I said. That's your line. Thank you. Well? Well, just because they weigh a little more than me, that don't make them any better than I am. But how long talk talk then, please? I I couldn't have you at my house. This is going to be a very classy affair. Why I have a I have a little silver tray to brush the crumbs on. Crumbs? Mhmm. Certainly, don't you have crumbs at your table? Sure, rabbit. You're welcome anytime.
There you go. You have absolutely no finesse. Know what? I said you have no finesse. What would I do with a finesse?
[00:03:45] Unknown:
In California, you don't need a finesse. If it gets cold, we print on the gas key turn. Alright, customer. Look. I didn't say War of the radiator.
[00:03:57] Unknown:
I didn't say But he's getting like four years. Alright. Look. Look, please. I War now? Alright. Alright. I didn't say furnace in the first place. I said finance finance. I don't know why you're saying it. Alright. You're getting me all mixed up here. Look. I'm trying to tell you listen to me, please. Your table manners are terrible. The last time you had dinner at my house, you did nothing but reach across the table and grab for the food. So what was wrong with that? What was wrong with that? You've got a tongue, haven't you? Yeah. But I can reach further with my arm. There you go again, Costello. You seem you know nothing at all about the proper way to eat. You have no etiquette. I got no what? You you have no etiquette.
Etiquette? Yes. You heard me. You don't even know how to say the word etiquette. Yeah. You don't What do you mean? And tickety. No. It's it's etiquette.
[00:04:44] Unknown:
Well, etiquette and tickety is the same thing anyway. So what? Well, I'll go out and I'll buy one of them books on etiquette by Emily Pillar. Emily Pillar? Yeah. That's, that's Emily Post. Okay. I'll read the both of both of them. I'll go from pillar to post.
[00:04:57] Unknown:
Well, you should read that book, Costello. It would tell you a lot of things. For instance, which is, proper to use when eating peas? A fork or a spoon? I I don't use either one. Well, how do you eat your peas? Oh, I just slide my lower lip under the plate and thank the peas off the mashed potatoes.
[00:05:12] Unknown:
That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right the mashed potatoes goes in my ears. Yes. I can imagine. Sloppy,
[00:05:18] Unknown:
Yeah. Yeah. Castello, you haven't got the brains of a two year old child. Oh, I wouldn't say that. Why not? Look at the difference in our ages. The way you act, I could never have you at my table. Look, Abbot. If you know so much about manners, just answer me this one thing. You want it? Which hand do you stir your coffee with? I stir my coffee with my right hand. That's funny. Most people use a spoon. That's all happening. That settles it, You ain't got no etiquette. Yeah. That settles everything. I was just about to break down and invite you for dinner, but now you had to be a smart aleck. Wait wait a minute, Abbot. Yeah. You did. Wait a minute. Now you're my old pal. I can't help it. You can't do this to me. Well, I did. You gotta invite me to dinner on Thanksgiving. I ain't got no place to go. I'm sorry. You can't, you old French dog.
[00:06:01] Unknown:
Look at me, Abbot. Yeah. I only weigh ninety pounds now. Ninety pounds.
[00:06:07] Unknown:
Why, you're fifty six inches around the waist. Yeah. But I'm hollow. Alright. Look. Alright. Alright. You can come to dinner, Costello. But you'll have to make yourself useful. Now get there early and wait on the table. Why should I wait on a table? Why can't I wait in Apollo with the rest of the people? No. No. You dummy. I mean, I want I don't wanna sit on your table waiting. I mean, I want you to help with the serving. Now the first, the first course will be orders. Of course, you know what orders are. Yeah. That's French for leftovers. No. No. That's all orders are snacks. Now you take care of the ladies first. It's, it's up to you to see that each lady gets a snack. Are the husbands gonna be there? Certainly. Then I ain't gonna do it. What? Do what? I ain't gonna go around snacking the ladies.
[00:06:43] Unknown:
Their husbands will be able to come around and snack me.
[00:06:46] Unknown:
On second thought, you'd better stay out in the kitchen and help with the iced dressing. Why haven't? What's the matter? What you said? What what what what's wrong? You ought to be ashamed of yourself talking that way to a boy of my age. What do you mean? I'm just at the age of picking things up like that. Wrong? Why it's a good thing my mother isn't here. Oh, the shame of it all. What are you talking about? How dare you ask me to help with the oyster dress What do you mean? Now look at it. I didn't mind when you said I had to wait for you on a table, and I was only mildly surprised when you asked me to snack all the ladies, especially in front of their husband. But when you have the nerve to ask me to go
[00:07:29] Unknown:
out in the kitchen and dress a bunch of naked oysters, you not only humiliify me, but you have impuged on my good name.
[00:07:42] Unknown:
Tomorrow on the back cover of Life Magazine, you'll see a very stirring set of pictures under the title pair of aces back to back. A navy dauntless dive bomber attacking a Japanese carrier. Notice too the pair of flyers, the pair of aces in the lower left hand corner, and read the words they're saying. I quote, Camel's our cigarettes suits the throat and the taste to a t, unquote. C A M E L F. Camels. They're aces with the aces. Could be with you
[00:08:14] Unknown:
too.
[00:08:17] Unknown:
Here is Freddie Rich with
[00:08:23] Unknown:
Java Dumpsters. You have to cut out that singing in the kitchen. You're disturbing the guest. What happened? I always sing when I'm making sour milk biscuits. Sour milk biscuits? Sure. We haven't got any sour milk. You will have when I get through singing. And many little baby lips shut down shut down. Nelsonetti better save us money. Alright. Look. Cut the cut the look. What are you doing there? What's all that stuff you're putting in? How to do it? What does it say? First, I gotta put in two tubs of butter. Two tubs of butter. Sure. It says right here in the cookbook. Butter. Two TBS tubs.
That's tablespoon. I threw them in two. You threw
[00:10:22] Unknown:
what else did you put in there? I put in some flour, salt, baking powder, and three gallops of molasses. Three gallops. What are gullops? You know Abbott. When you pour the molasses out of the jug, it goes scallop, scallop, scallop.
[00:10:34] Unknown:
I I put in three of those. Look, Costello. I I don't want you to do any cooking. I've got a chef coming here to take care of that. I thought you'd be out here singeing the feathers off the goose. Doing what? Singeing singeing. Don't you know how to singe? Sure. I know how to singe. I was singeing when you came in. My man was made up begging. I'm so sorry. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No Singe singeing gets the down off the goose. Didn't you ever get down off a goose?
[00:11:01] Unknown:
Oh. Oh. Did you read that right? Yes.
[00:11:06] Unknown:
Well, didn't you? Did I have a what? Didn't you ever get down off a goose? No. I got down off a horse. No. No.
[00:11:12] Unknown:
No. No. I never rode a goose.
[00:11:15] Unknown:
No. It's that much windmill. Oh, thank goodness.
[00:11:19] Unknown:
Here comes the chef. Hey. I got on chocolate. Yes. Cooking. I'm at the end.
[00:11:29] Unknown:
Chisel, don't tell me that you're the cook.
[00:11:32] Unknown:
Could be. You know something over in Paris I am known as the famous French chef Pierre Rene. You're the great Rene? That's I am. Yeah. Then what are you doing in California? Oh, I always come here in the rainy season.
[00:11:48] Unknown:
The rainy season? Yeah. This guy's a washer. Never mind that, Costello. Look. We've gotta get my Thanksgiving dinner cooked, please. Kitsil. You'll find all the utensils in that big cupboard over there. Oh, please pass utensils. You say, who needs your utensils? I brought along my own pa. That's the first pot I ever saw with a belt around.
[00:12:10] Unknown:
Castello, please keep out of this. Kitsil, do you know anything about cooking game? Do I know how to cook game while I'm cooking the finest pineapple you ever tasted?
[00:12:21] Unknown:
You, cook pineapple? Sure. Pienacke. Oh. Look, Kitzel, I don't wanna get personal, but why don't you pull in your tongue? Nobody ordered cold
[00:12:30] Unknown:
cuts. Look. Never mind that, Costello. Kissel, get busy, please, and get the dinner ready. No. No. No. Just a second. Just a second, my little man. Don't get excited. First, I got to open my little bag and get out my chisels and saws. What chisels and saws? Twin chisels and creme de re saw.
[00:12:48] Unknown:
You know, kitchen was too bad you didn't bring your monkey wrench. Well, for goodness sake, what would I be doing with a monkey wrench? Well, you could tighten the nuts on a fruitcake.
[00:13:05] Unknown:
Stop, Priscilla, please. Will you get busy and help get to? I'm going into the living room and see if any of my guests have arrived yet. Sebastian.
[00:13:16] Unknown:
Sebastian.
[00:13:17] Unknown:
Shut off that radio. Shut it off. My old Sebastian.
[00:13:21] Unknown:
Well, I just come over to help you out, uncle Butt, and I thought the guest would like some nice romantic music. Romantic music? Mhmm. Oh, that tiger isn't romantic music. It is to another tiger.
[00:13:34] Unknown:
Alright. Now look, Sebastian. If you're going to hang around here, you'll have to behave yourself. Now this is going to be a very formal Thanksgiving dinner. The men will all wear tails. Tails. Who's coming? Mickey Mouse? No. Will you please listen, Sebastian? It will be your job to usher the people into the dining room. I will sit at the head of the table. Ken Niles will sit on my right hand, and Connie Haines will sit on my left hand. Ken Niles is gonna sit on your right hand? That's right. And Connie Haines will sit on your left hand? That's right. How are you gonna eat with your feet? No. No. No. Look. When you get all the people seated, you go to the kitchen. Then when I ring this little dinner bell, your brother will hand me the carving knife and you give me the bird.
[00:14:11] Unknown:
In front of everybody?
[00:14:14] Unknown:
That'll do, Sebastian. I'll go out in the kitchen and, make some ice water, and I do hope you can make ice water. Yeah. Sure. You just peel a onion. An onion? Yeah. That'll make your ice water.
[00:14:26] Unknown:
Sebastian, ice water is frozen water. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Then what is frozen ink? I stink. You don't get no ice even on a meat. Right? What?
[00:14:44] Unknown:
This.
[00:14:45] Unknown:
Connie Haynes in a current revival of a great song, the sunny side of the street.
[00:14:53] Unknown:
Radical and get your head. Leave your worry
[00:14:58] Unknown:
on the doorstep. Just direct your feet to
[00:16:38] Unknown:
You have read in the papers how people are smoking so much more and how cigarettes are being shipped to our fighting men overseas in huge quantities. And if your dealer occasionally should say, sorry, sir. We're out of camels today. Don't let that stop you from asking for camels the very next time you're buying cigarettes. Remember that Camels rich, full flavor, and kind cool mildness make Camels worth asking for again and again because war or peace, Camel is still Camel. And your t zone, that's t for taste and t for throat, will confirm that statement. C a m t l. Camels. Now as always, the cigarette of costlier tobacco.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we take you to the home of Bud Abbott where a formal Thanksgiving dinner is about to be served. Costello has been working in the kitchen all day like a dog, but he is now ready to face the guest. Let us look in on this dog face.
[00:17:45] Unknown:
Costello. Costello. The guests are arriving. Open the door and announce them as they come in. Mister and missus Zed Blank, mister and missus Phil Krasner.
[00:17:53] Unknown:
And now Hip Squeak, Knight of the Garter, Lord Beaver Board, Knight of the Bath, and Hetty Lamar. Hetty Lamar isn't here. I was thinking of another night.
[00:18:07] Unknown:
Young man, how dare you leave me standing here? Kindly get my card and last match. Okay.
[00:18:13] Unknown:
Hillside 2183. Ask for Hazel.
[00:18:17] Unknown:
If a man answers, hang up. Wrong pack. Wrong
[00:18:22] Unknown:
fact. That isn't my card. Sorry. I got that mixed up with one of my own. Costello. What's your manners? Okay. This is lady, Jennifer Cookiecutter.
[00:18:31] Unknown:
This little boy, my home, you know, is Glendinning On The Tyne.
[00:18:36] Unknown:
Glendinning On The Tyne? Then you must know my great aunt Harriet, the old Gerber's Bullock, did you know? Oh, from Glendinning On The Tyne? No. From hitchhiking on oil trucks. Alright. That's enough, Costello. Take, lady Jennifer's coat and I will escort her to the table. Oh, by all means, the table. Oh, I'm so hungry. I could eat a horse. Yeah. Castello. Castello, get that horse out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here. And, please please bring lady Jennifer a cocktail. Yes.
[00:19:14] Unknown:
Make it a martini, with a black olive. You drink Martini with a black olive? Yes. I'm in mourning for my husband.
[00:19:22] Unknown:
If I was you, Lady Jennifer, I would lay off those Martini. They're pretty hot. Costello, what makes you think they're hot? Of course. I just poured one. When I dropped the olive in, the olive stuck out its pimiento.
[00:19:35] Unknown:
Oh, oh, boy, that's great, mister Carton, mister Abbott. I have a little, Thanksgiving present for you. A nice, fat Belgian hair. I raised them, you know. Oh, thank you, lady Jennifer. Castillo, take lady Jennifer's hair.
[00:19:48] Unknown:
Take her what? Take her hair and put it in the icebox. Okay. Have it no. No. No. You're good. Castillo,
[00:19:55] Unknown:
now look what you've done. Speak to lady Jennifer. Hello, Baldy.
[00:20:07] Unknown:
Oh.
[00:20:08] Unknown:
I've never been doing sausage in all my life. Come lady Jennifer. I'll show you one of the table. I'll show you.
[00:20:14] Unknown:
That's a line right, not under that table. Oh, no. I'm sorry, missus Jennifer.
[00:20:18] Unknown:
I'll show you to the table. Very well. You may hit my arm. Does that come off too?
[00:20:25] Unknown:
Castello get busy and serve the dinner. And remember, I don't want to see your thumb in the soup. Okay. Lord Beaverbrook.
[00:20:33] Unknown:
Ward, pardon me, mister Beaver Ward. It's not quite alright. It's quite alright, please. What bottle of turkey would you like? Well, I'm a flyer. I'll take the wing.
[00:20:43] Unknown:
And, pretty rich. Well, I'm a musician. I'll take the dumpstick. And Sebastian, what part of the turkey would you like? Well, you could skip me. I'm a seven kid. I hope somebody will remember me. I like the neck. I like the neck too, Connie. I'll meet you out on the front porch. That's how to keep quiet and serve the soup. And remember, I don't want to see your thumb in it. No. No. Use the French phone. I don't speak French. Oh, here. Please. Here. I'll call him. Operator, give me the police. Hurry up. Hello. Police department. This is Bud Abbott's home. There's been a robbery here. Come over at once. Well, here we are. We're from headquarters. What took you so long? So
[00:21:45] Unknown:
long. All the head? What took you so long? So long? What? You're leaving already? Now shut up, you. You look suspicious. Suspicious. Stick up your hands and reach for the ceiling. Okay. But I know I won't make it, Diane.
[00:21:59] Unknown:
Officer, there has been a robbery here. The lights went out, and somebody stole Lady Jennifer's pearl necklace.
[00:22:06] Unknown:
I stole a necklace here. Somebody will get the jug for this. Sounds like you've had it already. Come on. Come on. Line up against the wall, and you too, bad boy. What's your name?
[00:22:22] Unknown:
Anas Luke Costello.
[00:22:25] Unknown:
Costello, ain't you got a relative, doing time at Alcatraz?
[00:22:31] Unknown:
Yes, sir. That's my uncle Stebbins. They put him in for something he didn't do. For something he didn't do? Yeah. He didn't wipe off his fingerprints when he robbed the bank.
[00:22:42] Unknown:
Now get in line there. I'll take this gentleman first. What's your name? Lord Beevleborg. Where were you sitting when the necklace was stolen? Well, I You lie. Ouch. How long have you known lady Jennifer? Well, I You lie. Ouch. Get rid of him fast, Tony. Alright, sergeant. Drag this man out of here. Now Castello, you're next. I think there are others ahead of me. I'm ready to take you now. But I don't wanna be selfish.
[00:23:12] Unknown:
Women and children first.
[00:23:15] Unknown:
Sit down there in a chair. Just a minute. Who are you shoving? Who are you shoving? I'm shoving you and what's about it. I just wanted to be sure. Now where was you when the lights went out? I was You lied. I expected it. Ouch. Happy hapapa. What's the matter? Look, why did he Did you hurt your head? No. But it broke my shoelaces. Shut up, you. Now I'm going to question the little guy here. Oh, no. Not that. You can't question my little fellow Sebastian. And why not? There's only one head between us. I'm playing both parts. Oh, doctor. No. Just a moment, officer. There's been a horrible mistake. My phone went stone at the stall.
[00:23:59] Unknown:
They slipped off my neck into my tapioca.
[00:24:01] Unknown:
Well, leave them there. You look better wearing, tapioca. What happened to Costello? But wait wait a minute. There's one thing I can't understand, Costello. Who turned out the lights when you were serving dinner?
[00:24:13] Unknown:
I turned them out on Cobalt. Sebastian. Why did you turn the lights off? Because you said you didn't wanna see Louis come in the soup.
[00:24:23] Unknown:
Sebastian. Do you realize what you did? You almost got me arrested. Your brother. They might have thrown me in jail. Then I would have to walk around with the power of the prison on my noble brow. Why did you do such things to your loving brother, Sebastian?
[00:24:39] Unknown:
Oh, I'm my bad
[00:24:45] Unknown:
boy.
[00:24:52] Unknown:
Evan and Castello will be back in a moment.
[00:24:58] Unknown:
Thanks to the Yanks of the Week. Tonight, we salute Lieutenant Thomas a McKenzie of Auburn, Kentucky. Fighting off unconsciousness from plaque wounds in his chest, this bombardier hero completed his bomb run without even letting his own crewmates know he was wounded. In your honor, Lieutenant McKenzie, the makers of camels are sending to our fighters overseas 400,000 camel cigarettes.
[00:25:28] Unknown:
Each of the three camel radio shows honors the yank of the week by sending free 400,000 camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million camels sent free each week. In this country, the camel caravans traveling from camp to camp have thanked audiences of more than 4,000,000 yanks with free shows and free camels. Camel broadcasts go out to The United States Three times a week. I rebroadcast to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Jimmy Durante and Gary Moore. Monday to Bob Hawke in thanks to the yanks. And next Thursday to Abbott and Costello. And now here are by Abbott and Lou Costello with the final word. Well, Costello,
[00:26:04] Unknown:
now that we've done our show, let's get home and have our turkey. Yeah? I think it's a good idea because I'm just about ready for it now. Did you make the stuffing? Yeah. I did. I made grand stuff. You did, Yeah. I ground up a lot of bread crumbs, and I put in some garlic. Oh, that's right. Put in a little onions, and I put in some more garlic, then a whole lot of onion Yeah. Then a whole lot of garlic and a whole lot of more onions? Yeah. Then a whole lot of garlic and a whole lot of more onions? Wait a minute. And then a little more Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Did you taste it? Taste it? I couldn't even get near it. Oh,
[00:26:31] Unknown:
good night, folks. Good night. Good night, everybody.
[00:26:48] Unknown:
Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbott and Costello Show. And remember, try Camel's on your throat and your taste. See for yourself how Camel's mildness, coolness, and flavor sticks with you. The Abbott and Costello Show for Campbell cigarettes will be back at this very same time next week. Don't miss it. This is Ken Niles in Hollywood wishing you all a pleasant. Good night.
[00:28:02] Unknown:
Wings are here. Oh, from No. I'd never order from anymore. Papa's now has wings in five flavors. Ghost pepper, roasted garlic Parmesan, sweet and spicy, signature hot, and honey barbecue, marinated in Louisiana spices, hand battered and flipped. Makes no sense. They're $5.99 for six pieces. Taste them.
[00:28:20] Unknown:
Crunchy outside. And juicy inside. Consider me a convert.
[00:28:24] Unknown:
That's the most romantic thing you've said to me all month. We don't make sense. We make chicken.
[00:28:31] Unknown:
Price may vary.
