In this episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring the classic duo Abbott and Costello. The conversation humorously explores the trials and tribulations of filing income taxes, with Costello struggling to understand the complexities of tax forms and Abbott attempting to guide him through the process. The duo's banter is filled with witty exchanges and misunderstandings, providing a lighthearted take on a typically mundane topic.
As the episode unfolds, we are treated to a series of comedic scenarios, including Costello's attempts to avoid paying taxes by giving away money, only to find himself inadvertently winning it back. The episode is a delightful mix of slapstick humor and clever wordplay, showcasing Abbott and Costello's timeless comedic chemistry. Listeners are sure to enjoy the nostalgic charm and laughter that this classic routine brings.
(00:00) Introduction and Lucky Land Slots
(01:01) Camel Cigarettes and Comedy Skit
(03:12) Income Tax Troubles and Comedy
(07:00) Meeting the Tax Accountant
(10:30) Raffle Tickets and Unexpected Winnings
(15:01) Dealing with Unexpected Wealth
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
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Try a camels. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking camels than ever before. And drop a chair for tonight's camel show starring Bud Evan and Luke Costello. Hey, Costello. Costello. Come over here, Costello. You know, I tried to find you last night. Where in the world were you? Oh, I spent the evening over at Harry Lamar's house, Abbott. Harry calls me two or three times every week to come over and spend the evening. Yeah. He doesn't her husband up, Jake. Why should he? I'm the cheapest babysitter in town. Will you talk sense, please?
Hey, Lou. I hope you're saving the money. I hope you're saving the money they pay you for minding that baby. You know, we pay our income tax March 15. Oh, don't worry about me, Addis. I'm loaded. I got a California bankroll. What's a California bankroll? Two singles wrapped around an arm. Oh. Damn it. Last night, I was hoping Henry Lamar fix her income tax. Oh, how can you how can you fix her income tax? You can't even count. Yeah. Problem. Alright. Alright. Alright. It's a problem. The most state costs a dollar a pound. Yeah. How many pounds would the butcher give you for $5? 4 pounds. That's not right. I know, but they're getting away with it. Alright. Listen, Godzilla. You're impostor.
But I'm warning you, you'd better get busy on your income tax. Do you have any, surplus money, Lou? No. I'm so broke at it. I had to dump four bottles of Coca Cola in the sink so I could collect the deposit on the bottle. Well, things will be even worse if you don't file your income tax. And remember, you've got to give them an honest count. Hey, Adam. How can you say that? I always give them an honest count. I'm patriotic. And besides that, they watch you too close. Them collectives. Oh, boy. That's pretty sharp, Abbott. I once met an income tax man on the plane. We hit four air pockets. He had his hands in every one of them. Never mind that, Godzilla. We should all be glad to pay our tax even if it does leave us a little poorer. You're right, Abbott. Because no matter how poor it makes us, we're better off than some people. Like that spell I was reading about in the book the other day, Jack and the Beanstalk. What was it about? Well, this story is about a boy who was very, very poor. His name was Jack. Now when Jack was a little bit poor, he was name of Jack, Lou. How did he get the name of Jack? How did he get the name of Jack? Yes. How did he get the name of Jack?
He was born while his father was changing a time. Alright. How did he get the name of Jack? Alright. Go ahead. You're starting a little soon, Abbot. Go ahead. Go ahead. Now just keep your mouth out of this, so let me tell a story. Yeah. Abbott, why don't you go over to a shoe repair shop and show them what a real heel looks like? Oh, now please. Go ahead and tell a story. Now one morning, his mother said, Jack, we have no money, so you'll have to sell a cow. What kind was it? A heifer? Yes. It was a What'd you say? A heifer. Was it a heifer cow? How could it be a heifer cow? It was a whole cow. Alright. Alright. Look, Abbot. It was just a plain cow, and it wore a red flag. So Jack started to milk the cow. Oh, just a minute. Now wait a minute. How could he milk the cow if it was wearing red flag? He was a pickpocket.
Now Jack was walking along the road with the cow and he noticed that the cow looked very tired. The cow hadn't been sleeping very good. Did he So did the cow did the cow have bags under her eyes? Did the cow have bags under her eyes? Did the cow have bags under her eyes? That's what I asked you. Abbot, you never saw a cow, did you? Oh, yeah. You never alright. Go ahead. Let's hear it. Come on. Well, Jack worked a little farther, and then he saw a farmer was making limber the keys. What was he making it out of? Out of doors. Ain't I your sneakers? Mother, get the flea powder out lousing them up tonight.
Stella, forget this silly story. We were talking about income tax. I'm I'm sure you know nothing about it, so why don't you go down to the bank and get my brother to help you out with it? Well, that reminds me of it. My mother asked me to ask you, what's your brother's job in the bank? Tell her. What? Tell her. Tell her. I will tell her if you tell me. I I I just told you tell her. You didn't tell me nothing. You gave me the same stuff last week. All I want is a civilized answer. Wait a minute, Costello. You said your mother wants to know what my brother does in the bank. Yeah. That's right. And I said tell her. Alright. I will. Now what does he do? I just told you tell her. You told me to tell her, but you didn't tell me what to tell her. Tell her tell her. Tell her tell her? What kind of fuck is that? Look, Abbot. When I get home tonight, my mother says to me, what does Abbot's brother do in the bank? What do I say? Tell her in the bank. How can I tell her in a bank? The bank's not closed.
Look. When I get home, I wanna tell her in the house. Listen, you dummy. When I when I say tell her, I don't mean tell her. I mean tell her, and that's what my brother does in the bank. His job is tell her. Tell her. How do you get it? Oh, when you say tell her, you don't mean tell her. You mean tell her. Tell her. Now you've got it. No. It's not. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Look at it. Your brother works for the bank. Now that's right. What job did he have before the job he's gotten out? Oh, he was in charge of a very important department. That's fine. What department? Vaults. Could I have that again?
Vaults, Costello. Vaults. Vaults? Abbott. You know I can't vault, but I will try a rubber No. No, Costello. Go of me. Play, Ennis. Play. And remember, Abbott, you asked for this man. Well, Costello, here's the income tax account my brother recommended. Now that's going to see him because you know nothing about finance. Who know nothing nothing about finance? I studied finance with Morgenthal, Rockefeller, Vanderbilt, Guggenheim, and Lana Turner. Oh, wait a minute. What could you learn from Lana Turner? More than I could learn from Morgenthal, Rockefeller, Vanderbilt, and Guggenheim. All talk says, let's go into the accountant's office. Come on. I will tell you I will tell you how much I made last year. I will tell you nobody gets anything down.
Who was that? Nora Prentice. Come on, Costello. You've got to find the tax accountant. Oh, I'll ask that woman over there. Pardon me, miss. Can you tell us? If it isn't mister Allbud. Oh, wow. And, mister
[00:07:22] Unknown:
Costello Oh, you fop little man. You it's so nice to meet you a goon.
[00:07:31] Unknown:
Every time we meet you, we meet a goon. Alright, Costello. What brings you here, miss? I came to see my about
[00:07:39] Unknown:
the talk to the I owe to the gooberman. The gooberman?
[00:07:42] Unknown:
The gooberman? Oh, yes, Abbot. That's in Wooshington, Ducey. That's where president Droman lied.
[00:07:52] Unknown:
Well, I would be rambling off. As they say in Russian,
[00:07:57] Unknown:
And a mushy meatball in the kisser to you too. Well, come on, Costello. Here's the accountant to help you. Uh-huh. Gentlemen, as George Washington said to Thomas Jefferson, sit down. I'm just concluding some business with this client, and I'll be with you in a moment. And now as I was saying about that $100,000 that you made last Saturday afternoon, we'll have to figure out the tax on it and get in touch with you later. Nice client, that Oliveri. Well, now, gentlemen, as Cleopatra said to Mark Anthony, what can I do for you?
Well, let's mister Costello here wants you to help him with his income tax. Fine. Fine. Now, miss Costello, how much money did you make last year? Well, I Speak right up, young man. Speak right up. All this information is confidential. Well, I made Tell me about it. Tell me. How much did you make? Well, it wasn't a No. What the Has the cat got your tongue? Get the marbles out of your mouth. That's it. Now, mister Costello, if you don't fill out your income tax form, you'll go to jail. They'll put you behind bars in Leavenworth, Kansas or Atlanta, Georgia. Please have it. Not Georgia. Don't let them send me to Atlanta. It's terrible to be in jail in Georgia. Why? Two wardens. Well, let's get down to business now.
As John Alden once said to Miles Sanders, did you work last year? Yes. And I had a very steady job. Uh-huh. What did you do? I was best man at Artie Shaw's wedding. In the fiscal year of '46, by what method did you ascertain your income? Well what was that? Oh, the man wants to know how you filled out your form last year. By eating mashed potatoes and banana spice. Now let's look your papers over. Uh-huh. I've got great news for you, Cartel. According to these figures, last year, you earned $495. And if you don't make any more money between now and March 15, you don't have to pay any income tax. I promise. I won't make any money. I'll work for nothing. I'll work for less than nothing. How can you do that? I'll become a public school teacher. I warn you. I warn you, Carcelo. Don't make another penny. Don't even feel in telephone slots or pay play pinball machines. Thanks, mister. And you can send me a bill? Yes. As Josephine said to Napoleon, I will.
Oh, boy, Abbott. Am I happy? No income tax to pay. No problem. You too, mister new, missus Redwood. Up to now.
[00:10:52] Unknown:
Hello there, missus Redwood. Well, miss Redwood, I see they've grounded the Goodyear blimp. Oh, pardon me. It's Costello. Oh, no. No. I'm too excited. I just came from the doctor. He's going to change my loan. Good. Maybe this time they can put it in the middle of your face. And, missus Whitwarsh, Costello just filed his personal income tax. Oh, you fat little businessman you. I hate to pay the tax on your corporation. Oh,
[00:11:22] Unknown:
boy. I tax my brain for that one. Missus Whitwash, there's no tax on abandoned property.
[00:11:30] Unknown:
That reminds me, Costello, I still owe you $20 for mowing the lawn last month. See, that's well. And I don't take it, Costello.
[00:11:37] Unknown:
Remember what the man said? Uh-oh. That's right. Missus Whitwash, I don't want your money. But you did the work, and the money is yours. Missus Whitwash, you couldn't force me to take that money. Oh, now isn't that sweet?
[00:11:49] Unknown:
Well, if you won't take the money, then I must give you a great big gift.
[00:11:53] Unknown:
Okay. You force me. Give me the money. Yeah. Define it, miss Whitworth. Now, Priscilla, look what you've done. You've got $20 too much money. Hey, Abbott. Don't let them put me in jail. Hi, Estella. Well, it's Kenny in it. Hey, Abbott. Hey, Abbott. Now maybe I can unload the store on him. Hey, Kenny. Could you use $20? Not me. I got plenty of money. I just stole an invention for automobiles that will save racehorse players a lot of money. Oh, no. Wait a minute. I'll get an attachment for an automobile save racehorse players a lot of money. Well, every time they get within seven miles of a racetrack, the car blows up. Hey. By the way, Costello, here's the $20 I borrowed from you last week. Oh, forget about that, sweetie. Wait a minute. I don't want that money. You couldn't force me to take it. Okay. You won't take the money. Tell me what I'll do. I'll give you a brand new routine. You say, Abbott? What does your brother do at the bank? And he says tell her, and you say tell her what? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You forced me. You need a money. Okay. Well, fellow fellas. Costello. You did it again. Now you've got $40 too much. Let's go out and buy $40 worth. $40 worth of what? DCs. Who asked? Uh-huh.
Hey, look. It's Marilyn Maxwell. Oh, there you are, Louis, honey. I haven't seen you since the cocktail party last Saturday. Did you get home alright? Yes. But I woke up the next morning with big circles under my eyes. From staying up late? No. Somebody sent a couple of wet beer glasses down on my face.
[00:13:28] Unknown:
By the way, Louis, I'm selling raffle tickets for my club. They're $5 a piece, and I will I'll I'll I'll buy eight of them. Louis, eight would be $40.
[00:13:37] Unknown:
Can you afford to buy eight? I can't afford to buy any list.
[00:13:41] Unknown:
Now Louis, I appreciate your spirit, but you couldn't force me to take all that money. Marilyn Maxwell, you sell me eight tickets or I'll kiss you right here. Okay. You force me. Here are the tickets.
[00:13:54] Unknown:
Well, Costello, that $40 you gave Marilyn for the raffle tickets finally brought you down to $495, your original nontaxable income. Now do you think you can keep away from making any more money till March 15? Most certainly. My uncle Artie Stebbins told me that a man can do anything he puts his mind to. Uncle Artie once made up his mind to be a butterfly. He howled, I'm a butterfly. I'm a butterfly. Did he turn into a butterfly? No. But they took him away in a net.
[00:14:19] Unknown:
Boy. So, boys, I've been looking all over for you. Have you heard the news? Yes, Marilyn. Dick Tracy captured influence. No. No. No. I mean the news about the raffle.
[00:14:29] Unknown:
Somebody won a lot of money. Oh, that's alright, Marilyn. I expected to lose, but I'll be a success someday. Because tell it to be a success, you've got to have brains. I've got brains. And you have to work hard. I'll work hard. And you've got to keep away from women. I'll work hard. Who cares about money? I even wish I had more money to lose. You have. Good. I'm glad that
[00:14:52] Unknown:
What what what what what what did you say, Marilyn? Yes, Louis. The eight chances you bought from me won the first eight prizes in the raffle. No. Here's your money. $3,000.
[00:15:01] Unknown:
No. No. Marilyn, what have you done to me? Just for what we've meant to each other, I treated you so nice. I took you out. I took you into the smallest places, showed you good time. And now in ten days before income taxes are due, you put me in a higher bracket. Oh, I wish I was dead broke.
[00:15:21] Unknown:
Well, Louis, I don't understand you. You should take that $3,000
[00:15:24] Unknown:
and sink it into something. A great idea. Where's the nearest river? Comcast, tell us. We gotta work fast. See you later, Marilyn. Yeah. But what are we gonna do now? Tell her you ain't great. Yeah. You and your raffle tickets. Here, I work my fingers to the bone. I slave. I stay up nice thinking how to how to keep you broke. And you go behind my back and win $3,000. Why? Why do you always do these things to me? Oh, I'm a bad I'll say you are. You have the brains of a low grade idiot. Okay, Abbott. You can have it back anytime you want it. Never mind. Now you listen to me. Gotta get rid of that $3,000. Do you hear? But how, Abbott? Well, wait a minute. I've got it. We give a thousand dollars apiece to the first three people we meet. Oh, pardon me, gentlemen. I'm in distress. Would you help me out? Help you out of distress?
Lady, you can't walk around the street without a dress on. Hey, Martha. No. No. You don't understand. Rosalie. When she says she's in distress, she's not talking about this dress she's in. She's talking about this dress. She wants to get out of it. She must be Jiffy Rose Lee's grandmother. No. No. No. No, Pastela. Can't you see this old lady is in this dress? Sorry. Well, she wants to get out of it. Don't just stand there at her. Put a screen around her.
[00:16:55] Unknown:
Young man, when I say this dress, I don't mean this dress like this dress I'm wearing. I mean this dress like the dress you're in when you're in distress.
[00:17:05] Unknown:
Madam, where do you live? In the old lady's home. How do you like that? Now they're doing our routines in the Gostela. Give the lady a thousand dollars. A thousand dollars? A thousand dollars. That's right. Here it is. A thousand dollars right on the nose. Be happy.
[00:17:25] Unknown:
Be happy. Just a new will.
[00:17:28] Unknown:
Thank you. Thank you. Come on, cut, silly. You've got $2,000 left. Let's get rid of it. Fast. Yes. Have it. You're right. We gotta go. Alright. You guys are right. This is a stick up. Oh, oh, burglar. Shut up. This is a stick up man. Look at this pussy. What's he got to be stuck up about?
[00:17:46] Unknown:
Look, you, when he says I'm a stick up man, he don't mean I'm stuck up. He means what am I saying? I got no type of routine. Come on. Come on. Heist him.
[00:17:57] Unknown:
Mister Fergler, will you please say heist him again? What for? My pants are falling down. Hey. Is that gonna 45? Yeah. What's the matter? Couldn't you get a 46 delivery? Don't be a wise guy, you. You could rob me of the last joke if you can't do. Don't be a wise guy. My trigger finger is itching. I'll scratch it for you. Erica, that's horrible. Will you shut up or you'll kill us? Wait a minute. What are you applauding for? When he said kill us, my whole life has before me. It's a Costello story starring Laurie Parks. Come on, you. Come on. Come on. Hand over the dough. Hey, Costello. Costello. This is your chance to get rid of the $2,000.
Oh, that's right. You're right at it. Here, mister Burglar. Here is $2,000 for you. What? I wish I I wish you'd have stuck me up about five minutes ago. I could've given you 3,000.
[00:18:53] Unknown:
Hey. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What is this? This is a funny stick up. You seem to be happy to get rid of this stove. What is it? Confederate? Oh,
[00:19:02] Unknown:
no. No. No. No. Mister, Castillo just wants to get rid of this money. You you see that $2,000 puts him in a in a higher, income bracket.
[00:19:10] Unknown:
Oh. Oh, well, that's
[00:19:13] Unknown:
hey. Wait a minute.
[00:19:14] Unknown:
What's the matter? I'm disfiguring me earnings for the year. Let me see. I I said the bank at Frisco, that was $21,000. The bank in Oakland, that was 42,000.
[00:19:25] Unknown:
Then I stuck up the bank at Frismo Beach. Must've got a few thousand clams out of there.
[00:19:32] Unknown:
Yeah.
[00:19:33] Unknown:
Yeah. I can't pay tax on all that loot. I gotta get rid of it. Yes, sir. And you'd better do it before March 15 too. March 15? Mhmm. I'm gonna get rid of it right now.
[00:19:42] Unknown:
Here, Patso. It's $35,000.
[00:19:47] Unknown:
And I ain't gonna take it. You'll take it or I'll bring you. Don't be afraid of him, Costello. Stand up to him. Don't be a coward. You're not afraid of him. That's right. I ain't afraid of you. I've got courage you haven't got. I've got fortitude you haven't got. Now I've got a lump on the head that you haven't got. Here's the money. So long, jerk. Hey, Abbot. What am I gonna do with all this money? Give it to somebody quick. Here comes an old lady. I'll give it to her. Now pardon me, madam. Would you like Oh, there. You are. I've been looking all over for you. Hey, Abbot. It's the same old lady I gave the other thousand dollars to. Yes. I am. And remember what you gave me, the thousand dollars. You said be happy? Yes. When be happy won the race and paid 90 to one.
[00:20:32] Unknown:
Fabulous. Here's your sale. $45.07.
[00:20:42] Unknown:
Out of here.
With Lucky Land Slots, you can get lucky just about anywhere.
[00:00:05] Unknown:
This is your captain speaking. We've got clear runway and the weather is fine, but we're just gonna circle up here a while and, get lucky. No. No. Nothing like that. It's just these cash prizes add up quick. So I suggest you sit back, keep your tray table upright, and start getting lucky.
[00:00:20] Unknown:
Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See website for See website for details.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
Luckyland Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line of the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never went in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com. Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Voice over by law. 18 plus terms and conditions. Plus, website for details. Camels. Experience is the best teacher.
Try a camels. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking camels than ever before. And drop a chair for tonight's camel show starring Bud Evan and Luke Costello. Hey, Costello. Costello. Come over here, Costello. You know, I tried to find you last night. Where in the world were you? Oh, I spent the evening over at Harry Lamar's house, Abbott. Harry calls me two or three times every week to come over and spend the evening. Yeah. He doesn't her husband up, Jake. Why should he? I'm the cheapest babysitter in town. Will you talk sense, please?
Hey, Lou. I hope you're saving the money. I hope you're saving the money they pay you for minding that baby. You know, we pay our income tax March 15. Oh, don't worry about me, Addis. I'm loaded. I got a California bankroll. What's a California bankroll? Two singles wrapped around an arm. Oh. Damn it. Last night, I was hoping Henry Lamar fix her income tax. Oh, how can you how can you fix her income tax? You can't even count. Yeah. Problem. Alright. Alright. Alright. It's a problem. The most state costs a dollar a pound. Yeah. How many pounds would the butcher give you for $5? 4 pounds. That's not right. I know, but they're getting away with it. Alright. Listen, Godzilla. You're impostor.
But I'm warning you, you'd better get busy on your income tax. Do you have any, surplus money, Lou? No. I'm so broke at it. I had to dump four bottles of Coca Cola in the sink so I could collect the deposit on the bottle. Well, things will be even worse if you don't file your income tax. And remember, you've got to give them an honest count. Hey, Adam. How can you say that? I always give them an honest count. I'm patriotic. And besides that, they watch you too close. Them collectives. Oh, boy. That's pretty sharp, Abbott. I once met an income tax man on the plane. We hit four air pockets. He had his hands in every one of them. Never mind that, Godzilla. We should all be glad to pay our tax even if it does leave us a little poorer. You're right, Abbott. Because no matter how poor it makes us, we're better off than some people. Like that spell I was reading about in the book the other day, Jack and the Beanstalk. What was it about? Well, this story is about a boy who was very, very poor. His name was Jack. Now when Jack was a little bit poor, he was name of Jack, Lou. How did he get the name of Jack? How did he get the name of Jack? Yes. How did he get the name of Jack?
He was born while his father was changing a time. Alright. How did he get the name of Jack? Alright. Go ahead. You're starting a little soon, Abbot. Go ahead. Go ahead. Now just keep your mouth out of this, so let me tell a story. Yeah. Abbott, why don't you go over to a shoe repair shop and show them what a real heel looks like? Oh, now please. Go ahead and tell a story. Now one morning, his mother said, Jack, we have no money, so you'll have to sell a cow. What kind was it? A heifer? Yes. It was a What'd you say? A heifer. Was it a heifer cow? How could it be a heifer cow? It was a whole cow. Alright. Alright. Look, Abbot. It was just a plain cow, and it wore a red flag. So Jack started to milk the cow. Oh, just a minute. Now wait a minute. How could he milk the cow if it was wearing red flag? He was a pickpocket.
Now Jack was walking along the road with the cow and he noticed that the cow looked very tired. The cow hadn't been sleeping very good. Did he So did the cow did the cow have bags under her eyes? Did the cow have bags under her eyes? Did the cow have bags under her eyes? That's what I asked you. Abbot, you never saw a cow, did you? Oh, yeah. You never alright. Go ahead. Let's hear it. Come on. Well, Jack worked a little farther, and then he saw a farmer was making limber the keys. What was he making it out of? Out of doors. Ain't I your sneakers? Mother, get the flea powder out lousing them up tonight.
Stella, forget this silly story. We were talking about income tax. I'm I'm sure you know nothing about it, so why don't you go down to the bank and get my brother to help you out with it? Well, that reminds me of it. My mother asked me to ask you, what's your brother's job in the bank? Tell her. What? Tell her. Tell her. I will tell her if you tell me. I I I just told you tell her. You didn't tell me nothing. You gave me the same stuff last week. All I want is a civilized answer. Wait a minute, Costello. You said your mother wants to know what my brother does in the bank. Yeah. That's right. And I said tell her. Alright. I will. Now what does he do? I just told you tell her. You told me to tell her, but you didn't tell me what to tell her. Tell her tell her. Tell her tell her? What kind of fuck is that? Look, Abbot. When I get home tonight, my mother says to me, what does Abbot's brother do in the bank? What do I say? Tell her in the bank. How can I tell her in a bank? The bank's not closed.
Look. When I get home, I wanna tell her in the house. Listen, you dummy. When I when I say tell her, I don't mean tell her. I mean tell her, and that's what my brother does in the bank. His job is tell her. Tell her. How do you get it? Oh, when you say tell her, you don't mean tell her. You mean tell her. Tell her. Now you've got it. No. It's not. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Look at it. Your brother works for the bank. Now that's right. What job did he have before the job he's gotten out? Oh, he was in charge of a very important department. That's fine. What department? Vaults. Could I have that again?
Vaults, Costello. Vaults. Vaults? Abbott. You know I can't vault, but I will try a rubber No. No, Costello. Go of me. Play, Ennis. Play. And remember, Abbott, you asked for this man. Well, Costello, here's the income tax account my brother recommended. Now that's going to see him because you know nothing about finance. Who know nothing nothing about finance? I studied finance with Morgenthal, Rockefeller, Vanderbilt, Guggenheim, and Lana Turner. Oh, wait a minute. What could you learn from Lana Turner? More than I could learn from Morgenthal, Rockefeller, Vanderbilt, and Guggenheim. All talk says, let's go into the accountant's office. Come on. I will tell you I will tell you how much I made last year. I will tell you nobody gets anything down.
Who was that? Nora Prentice. Come on, Costello. You've got to find the tax accountant. Oh, I'll ask that woman over there. Pardon me, miss. Can you tell us? If it isn't mister Allbud. Oh, wow. And, mister
[00:07:22] Unknown:
Costello Oh, you fop little man. You it's so nice to meet you a goon.
[00:07:31] Unknown:
Every time we meet you, we meet a goon. Alright, Costello. What brings you here, miss? I came to see my about
[00:07:39] Unknown:
the talk to the I owe to the gooberman. The gooberman?
[00:07:42] Unknown:
The gooberman? Oh, yes, Abbot. That's in Wooshington, Ducey. That's where president Droman lied.
[00:07:52] Unknown:
Well, I would be rambling off. As they say in Russian,
[00:07:57] Unknown:
And a mushy meatball in the kisser to you too. Well, come on, Costello. Here's the accountant to help you. Uh-huh. Gentlemen, as George Washington said to Thomas Jefferson, sit down. I'm just concluding some business with this client, and I'll be with you in a moment. And now as I was saying about that $100,000 that you made last Saturday afternoon, we'll have to figure out the tax on it and get in touch with you later. Nice client, that Oliveri. Well, now, gentlemen, as Cleopatra said to Mark Anthony, what can I do for you?
Well, let's mister Costello here wants you to help him with his income tax. Fine. Fine. Now, miss Costello, how much money did you make last year? Well, I Speak right up, young man. Speak right up. All this information is confidential. Well, I made Tell me about it. Tell me. How much did you make? Well, it wasn't a No. What the Has the cat got your tongue? Get the marbles out of your mouth. That's it. Now, mister Costello, if you don't fill out your income tax form, you'll go to jail. They'll put you behind bars in Leavenworth, Kansas or Atlanta, Georgia. Please have it. Not Georgia. Don't let them send me to Atlanta. It's terrible to be in jail in Georgia. Why? Two wardens. Well, let's get down to business now.
As John Alden once said to Miles Sanders, did you work last year? Yes. And I had a very steady job. Uh-huh. What did you do? I was best man at Artie Shaw's wedding. In the fiscal year of '46, by what method did you ascertain your income? Well what was that? Oh, the man wants to know how you filled out your form last year. By eating mashed potatoes and banana spice. Now let's look your papers over. Uh-huh. I've got great news for you, Cartel. According to these figures, last year, you earned $495. And if you don't make any more money between now and March 15, you don't have to pay any income tax. I promise. I won't make any money. I'll work for nothing. I'll work for less than nothing. How can you do that? I'll become a public school teacher. I warn you. I warn you, Carcelo. Don't make another penny. Don't even feel in telephone slots or pay play pinball machines. Thanks, mister. And you can send me a bill? Yes. As Josephine said to Napoleon, I will.
Oh, boy, Abbott. Am I happy? No income tax to pay. No problem. You too, mister new, missus Redwood. Up to now.
[00:10:52] Unknown:
Hello there, missus Redwood. Well, miss Redwood, I see they've grounded the Goodyear blimp. Oh, pardon me. It's Costello. Oh, no. No. I'm too excited. I just came from the doctor. He's going to change my loan. Good. Maybe this time they can put it in the middle of your face. And, missus Whitwarsh, Costello just filed his personal income tax. Oh, you fat little businessman you. I hate to pay the tax on your corporation. Oh,
[00:11:22] Unknown:
boy. I tax my brain for that one. Missus Whitwash, there's no tax on abandoned property.
[00:11:30] Unknown:
That reminds me, Costello, I still owe you $20 for mowing the lawn last month. See, that's well. And I don't take it, Costello.
[00:11:37] Unknown:
Remember what the man said? Uh-oh. That's right. Missus Whitwash, I don't want your money. But you did the work, and the money is yours. Missus Whitwash, you couldn't force me to take that money. Oh, now isn't that sweet?
[00:11:49] Unknown:
Well, if you won't take the money, then I must give you a great big gift.
[00:11:53] Unknown:
Okay. You force me. Give me the money. Yeah. Define it, miss Whitworth. Now, Priscilla, look what you've done. You've got $20 too much money. Hey, Abbott. Don't let them put me in jail. Hi, Estella. Well, it's Kenny in it. Hey, Abbott. Hey, Abbott. Now maybe I can unload the store on him. Hey, Kenny. Could you use $20? Not me. I got plenty of money. I just stole an invention for automobiles that will save racehorse players a lot of money. Oh, no. Wait a minute. I'll get an attachment for an automobile save racehorse players a lot of money. Well, every time they get within seven miles of a racetrack, the car blows up. Hey. By the way, Costello, here's the $20 I borrowed from you last week. Oh, forget about that, sweetie. Wait a minute. I don't want that money. You couldn't force me to take it. Okay. You won't take the money. Tell me what I'll do. I'll give you a brand new routine. You say, Abbott? What does your brother do at the bank? And he says tell her, and you say tell her what? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You forced me. You need a money. Okay. Well, fellow fellas. Costello. You did it again. Now you've got $40 too much. Let's go out and buy $40 worth. $40 worth of what? DCs. Who asked? Uh-huh.
Hey, look. It's Marilyn Maxwell. Oh, there you are, Louis, honey. I haven't seen you since the cocktail party last Saturday. Did you get home alright? Yes. But I woke up the next morning with big circles under my eyes. From staying up late? No. Somebody sent a couple of wet beer glasses down on my face.
[00:13:28] Unknown:
By the way, Louis, I'm selling raffle tickets for my club. They're $5 a piece, and I will I'll I'll I'll buy eight of them. Louis, eight would be $40.
[00:13:37] Unknown:
Can you afford to buy eight? I can't afford to buy any list.
[00:13:41] Unknown:
Now Louis, I appreciate your spirit, but you couldn't force me to take all that money. Marilyn Maxwell, you sell me eight tickets or I'll kiss you right here. Okay. You force me. Here are the tickets.
[00:13:54] Unknown:
Well, Costello, that $40 you gave Marilyn for the raffle tickets finally brought you down to $495, your original nontaxable income. Now do you think you can keep away from making any more money till March 15? Most certainly. My uncle Artie Stebbins told me that a man can do anything he puts his mind to. Uncle Artie once made up his mind to be a butterfly. He howled, I'm a butterfly. I'm a butterfly. Did he turn into a butterfly? No. But they took him away in a net.
[00:14:19] Unknown:
Boy. So, boys, I've been looking all over for you. Have you heard the news? Yes, Marilyn. Dick Tracy captured influence. No. No. No. I mean the news about the raffle.
[00:14:29] Unknown:
Somebody won a lot of money. Oh, that's alright, Marilyn. I expected to lose, but I'll be a success someday. Because tell it to be a success, you've got to have brains. I've got brains. And you have to work hard. I'll work hard. And you've got to keep away from women. I'll work hard. Who cares about money? I even wish I had more money to lose. You have. Good. I'm glad that
[00:14:52] Unknown:
What what what what what what did you say, Marilyn? Yes, Louis. The eight chances you bought from me won the first eight prizes in the raffle. No. Here's your money. $3,000.
[00:15:01] Unknown:
No. No. Marilyn, what have you done to me? Just for what we've meant to each other, I treated you so nice. I took you out. I took you into the smallest places, showed you good time. And now in ten days before income taxes are due, you put me in a higher bracket. Oh, I wish I was dead broke.
[00:15:21] Unknown:
Well, Louis, I don't understand you. You should take that $3,000
[00:15:24] Unknown:
and sink it into something. A great idea. Where's the nearest river? Comcast, tell us. We gotta work fast. See you later, Marilyn. Yeah. But what are we gonna do now? Tell her you ain't great. Yeah. You and your raffle tickets. Here, I work my fingers to the bone. I slave. I stay up nice thinking how to how to keep you broke. And you go behind my back and win $3,000. Why? Why do you always do these things to me? Oh, I'm a bad I'll say you are. You have the brains of a low grade idiot. Okay, Abbott. You can have it back anytime you want it. Never mind. Now you listen to me. Gotta get rid of that $3,000. Do you hear? But how, Abbott? Well, wait a minute. I've got it. We give a thousand dollars apiece to the first three people we meet. Oh, pardon me, gentlemen. I'm in distress. Would you help me out? Help you out of distress?
Lady, you can't walk around the street without a dress on. Hey, Martha. No. No. You don't understand. Rosalie. When she says she's in distress, she's not talking about this dress she's in. She's talking about this dress. She wants to get out of it. She must be Jiffy Rose Lee's grandmother. No. No. No. No, Pastela. Can't you see this old lady is in this dress? Sorry. Well, she wants to get out of it. Don't just stand there at her. Put a screen around her.
[00:16:55] Unknown:
Young man, when I say this dress, I don't mean this dress like this dress I'm wearing. I mean this dress like the dress you're in when you're in distress.
[00:17:05] Unknown:
Madam, where do you live? In the old lady's home. How do you like that? Now they're doing our routines in the Gostela. Give the lady a thousand dollars. A thousand dollars? A thousand dollars. That's right. Here it is. A thousand dollars right on the nose. Be happy.
[00:17:25] Unknown:
Be happy. Just a new will.
[00:17:28] Unknown:
Thank you. Thank you. Come on, cut, silly. You've got $2,000 left. Let's get rid of it. Fast. Yes. Have it. You're right. We gotta go. Alright. You guys are right. This is a stick up. Oh, oh, burglar. Shut up. This is a stick up man. Look at this pussy. What's he got to be stuck up about?
[00:17:46] Unknown:
Look, you, when he says I'm a stick up man, he don't mean I'm stuck up. He means what am I saying? I got no type of routine. Come on. Come on. Heist him.
[00:17:57] Unknown:
Mister Fergler, will you please say heist him again? What for? My pants are falling down. Hey. Is that gonna 45? Yeah. What's the matter? Couldn't you get a 46 delivery? Don't be a wise guy, you. You could rob me of the last joke if you can't do. Don't be a wise guy. My trigger finger is itching. I'll scratch it for you. Erica, that's horrible. Will you shut up or you'll kill us? Wait a minute. What are you applauding for? When he said kill us, my whole life has before me. It's a Costello story starring Laurie Parks. Come on, you. Come on. Come on. Hand over the dough. Hey, Costello. Costello. This is your chance to get rid of the $2,000.
Oh, that's right. You're right at it. Here, mister Burglar. Here is $2,000 for you. What? I wish I I wish you'd have stuck me up about five minutes ago. I could've given you 3,000.
[00:18:53] Unknown:
Hey. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What is this? This is a funny stick up. You seem to be happy to get rid of this stove. What is it? Confederate? Oh,
[00:19:02] Unknown:
no. No. No. No. Mister, Castillo just wants to get rid of this money. You you see that $2,000 puts him in a in a higher, income bracket.
[00:19:10] Unknown:
Oh. Oh, well, that's
[00:19:13] Unknown:
hey. Wait a minute.
[00:19:14] Unknown:
What's the matter? I'm disfiguring me earnings for the year. Let me see. I I said the bank at Frisco, that was $21,000. The bank in Oakland, that was 42,000.
[00:19:25] Unknown:
Then I stuck up the bank at Frismo Beach. Must've got a few thousand clams out of there.
[00:19:32] Unknown:
Yeah.
[00:19:33] Unknown:
Yeah. I can't pay tax on all that loot. I gotta get rid of it. Yes, sir. And you'd better do it before March 15 too. March 15? Mhmm. I'm gonna get rid of it right now.
[00:19:42] Unknown:
Here, Patso. It's $35,000.
[00:19:47] Unknown:
And I ain't gonna take it. You'll take it or I'll bring you. Don't be afraid of him, Costello. Stand up to him. Don't be a coward. You're not afraid of him. That's right. I ain't afraid of you. I've got courage you haven't got. I've got fortitude you haven't got. Now I've got a lump on the head that you haven't got. Here's the money. So long, jerk. Hey, Abbot. What am I gonna do with all this money? Give it to somebody quick. Here comes an old lady. I'll give it to her. Now pardon me, madam. Would you like Oh, there. You are. I've been looking all over for you. Hey, Abbot. It's the same old lady I gave the other thousand dollars to. Yes. I am. And remember what you gave me, the thousand dollars. You said be happy? Yes. When be happy won the race and paid 90 to one.
[00:20:32] Unknown:
Fabulous. Here's your sale. $45.07.
[00:20:42] Unknown:
Out of here.
