In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring Abbott and Costello, where the duo navigates the hilarious complexities of the stock market. Costello, eager to impress Marilyn Maxwell with an extravagant gift, finds himself entangled in a series of misunderstandings and misadventures. From misinterpreting stock market jargon to attempting to retrieve a mink coat, the episode is filled with classic comedic exchanges and slapstick humor.
As the story unfolds, Costello's attempts to impress Marilyn lead him into a series of comedic blunders, including a run-in with the law and a courtroom scene that showcases his unique brand of logic. The episode concludes with a humorous twist involving a date with Von Monroe, leaving listeners amused by the antics of Abbott and Costello. This episode is a delightful blend of humor, misunderstandings, and the timeless charm of classic comedy.
(01:05) Costello's Dusty Dilemma
(02:09) Girls, Canaries, and Shoulder Pads
(03:05) The Stock Market Misunderstanding
(06:35) The Mink Coat Conundrum
(10:47) The Broker's Office Adventure
(13:26) The Rise and Fall of Hiawatha Canoe
(17:04) The Break-In Blunder
(18:56) Courtroom Chaos and Redemption
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Unknown:
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Luckyland Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line of the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never went in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com. Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Fully recommended by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. See website for details. Hey, Costello. Costello, come over here.
Look at you. Look at yourself. You're all you're all covered with dust. You're all covered with dust. When did you get so dirty? I was over at your house, Abbot. I've been helping your wife do a spring cleaning. My house isn't that dirty. Oh, no. When I got through cleaning, we found four new rooms. I have it. I nearly got no. I have it. I have it. I have it. And I nearly got arrested too. And, I nearly got arrested. How come? I ran out on the porch to shake the dust mop, and a woman across the street called the cops. Why? She thought I was choking your wife. My oh, talk, saints. You know you ought to have a house of your own. Settle down. Find some nice girl. Why is it you don't ever seem to get along with girls, Lou? But when it comes to girls, I really got a late start in life. You see, my parents were very strict. You mean they wouldn't let you go out with the opposite sex? They wouldn't even tell me which was the opposite sex.
Only this morning, my father told me never to go out with girls. Where is your father now? Out with girls. But since I'm out here in Hollywood, Abbot, I found out about girls. I've rubbed shoulders with Lana Turner. I rubbed shoulders with Eddie Lamar, and I rubbed shoulders with Betty Gregoire. And what did you find out? They all wear shoulder pads. I but I don't worry about girls. I'd rather have my canary. Oh. She's so smart. What what do you mean so smart? What's so smart about a canary? Can you take a bath in the saucer? Fox says. How about, Marilyn Maxwell? Don't don't you date her anymore? I called Marilyn yesterday to go night cover with me, but she wouldn't go. Well, so what? There are other fish in the sea. Yeah. But how would I look? Dancing into my combo with a mackerel. I know.
Costello, you're the dumbest man I ever met. You're a baby
[00:02:56] Unknown:
baboon. Well,
[00:03:00] Unknown:
did you hear me? Yes, daddy. Listen to me, you nitwit. Tomorrow is Marilyn Maxwell's birthday. Now if you wanna make a big hit with her, why don't you buy her a nice present? Well, I only got a few dollars to have it. I can't buy her nothing expensive. Oh, have no fear, Costello. But I was your pal. He'll help you. You know me. Yeah. I'll show you how to make some money fast. We'll invest your money in the stock market. Now you know my brother has a seat on the curb. Yes. I know. Isn't he afraid he'll catch cold sitting there with his feet dangling in a gutter? No. No. No. You dummy. When I say he has a seat on the curb, I don't mean he sits on the curb. I mean his seat is on the curb. No matter how you look at it, Abbott, he's a loafer. No. No. Yeah. He's not a loafer. He's a broker. He ain't any broker than I am.
Costello, he's not broke. He's a broker. A broker is a trader. You're a pro he's a trader? Yeah. Certainly. He's one of the biggest traders in the country. Bigger than Benedict Arnold? Costello, Benedict Arnold was a traitor. My brother is a traitor. He goes into the market and sells short. He sells short? Oh, you mean he's an underwear trader? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. My brother sells short in the market. He's a bear. A man that sells his stock short in the market is a bear. Any man that will sell his shorts in the market deserves to be bear. Oh, Costello. There are two kinds of traders in the market. There are bears and bulls. Now they got bears and bulls in the market? That's right. No wonder the meat have been getting so tough. No. No. You're not.
You idiot. I'm not talking about a meat market. I'm talking about a stock market. The traders are called bears and bulls. The bulls are short and the I mean, the bears are short and the bulls are long. And they're always fighting each other, and that's what makes the market go up and down. They got long bulls fighting short bears, and the market is going up and down? Certainly. No wonder the joint is jumping. I have it. Have have you ever been mixed up with them bulls? Why? You sound like you had a couple of snorts. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Dummy, I'm only trying to explain to you that my brother is a broker and he has a seat on the curb. Did he always have a seat on the curb? No. He used to have a seat on the exchange, but the bottom dropped out of his shares.
The bottom dropped out of his shares? Yes. Well, if he's too cheap to get new bottoms for his chairs, let him sit on a curb. Oh, no. No. No. No. No. No. No. He's doing alright. He made a fine investment. He just bought some gilt edged debentures. Then why don't he get up off the curb and sit on a debenture? No. Shut up and listen to me. My brother is our broker. He takes people's money invested. He puts it in something. What does he put it in? Well, sometimes he puts it in oil. He puts money in oil? Certainly. Oil is a solid investment. Oh, I see. He puts it in solid oil. Then I suppose he puts vinegar on it and needs it. Now that's a pretty picture for you. A bowl of crispy tens and twenties with mayonnaise on a side. Oh, no. He's not.
Yes, simpleton. You you can't make a salad of money. Money is legal tender. No wonder it's tender. Your brother keeps digging it and keeping it in oil. He does not dip it in the oil. He invests it. Here, I'll give you an example. Suppose you want some steel stocks or copper stock, or you wanna get into American can. That didn't happen. This time, you've gone too far. What do you mean? Well, I didn't say nothing when you told me your brother sits on a curb in his shorts. I didn't call the FBI when you told me that he was a traitor, and I didn't squeal to the Humane Society when you said he chased long bulls and short bears around in the market. But when you have the nerve to tell me to steal stock so that a copper can throw me in the can, you have not only blackened my good name and impute upon me, but you have cast a smog over the United Nations conference, and that's not good.
I want to get Marilyn something nice for her birthday. Now why don't you get her a nice mink coat like, missus Letwash wears? Now that's an Easter mink with, fur or five inches long. It looks more like a Western skunk with five o'clock shadow. But you you should give, Marilyn something expensive. She never she never forgets you. Right, Abbott. Last year, she gave me a lovely present, a Japanese Hari Kari sword with a complete set of instructions. You talk sense. If you invest those few dollars on the stock market, you can make enough money to buy her a mink coat, Lou. Well, well, well, well, but it's mister Abbot. Oh, I see you're going back in Floridaville. Well, missus Whitwas, I am not going back in Vaudeville. Then what are you doing with that train seal?
[00:07:21] Unknown:
Oh, pardon me. It's Costello.
[00:07:24] Unknown:
Now just a second, missus Whitwas. I don't look like a trained steel. Maybe not, but I'm thankful I'm not a herring. You ain't half as thankful as the herrings are. Cut that out, Costello. Missus Wetwash, Costello wants to make some money quick. Now your late husband made a lot of money. Could you tell us how he did it? Well, my husband was a powerful man. He was a magnet. He must have had a powerful magnet to pick up a load of scrap iron like you.
[00:07:54] Unknown:
Why you cut rate Sydney Greenstreet?
[00:08:00] Unknown:
Miss Rabbit, why does Costello need all this money? Well, it's, Marilyn Maxwell's birthday, and Costello wants to buy her a mink coat. A mink coat from Maxwell?
[00:08:10] Unknown:
What do you see in Marilyn Maxwell?
[00:08:12] Unknown:
Why? Take away her blonde hair and her good looks. What have you got? I don't know, but you can deliver it to my house tomorrow morning. Oh,
[00:08:22] Unknown:
you're in the pot. Good stuff.
[00:08:26] Unknown:
Well, Costello, that settles it. We're going to the broker's office and invest your money. Come on. Well, here's the broker's office, Costello. Let's go and invest your money. Then you can buy Marilyn that mink coat. Abba, I think it's better if I buy her one of them machines and let her whip up her own mink coat. Wait a minute. What kind of a machine whips up a mink coat? Ain't you never heard of a minx master? Never mind that. Come on. Let's go in.
[00:08:59] Unknown:
Hi, fellas. Well, Skinny Annis, what are you doing? Buying some stock? Yep. I got all my money invested in the the DooDock company. They make zippers.
[00:09:08] Unknown:
Zippers? Sure. Ain't you never heard of Zip a Dee DooDot? Get out of here. How do you do, suckers? I mean, gentlemen, I'm a stock broker. What can I do for you? Well, my friend Costello here would like to invest in a quick moving stock. Okay. Then grab this kitchen chair and this whip and follow me. Why do I need the kitchen chair and the whip? I'm going to take you in the backroom and show you some of our wild cast stuff. You can tail short and be a bear or buy long and be a bull now. What would you like? I'll take a short bear with a bowl of pretzels and see what those wild cats in the backroom will have.
Tell the man what stock you want. Look, mister, give me 50 shares of Walter Winchell and 40 shares of Hedda Hopper. Walter Winchell and Hedda Hopper. What kind of stock is that? American tell and tell. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard the last joke that Louella Parsons will ever write for this show. Costello? Costello, I'll give you a good tip. Get in on Hiawatha canoe. Mister, when I get in a canoe, I don't need any tip from you. I can tip myself and get a quicker turnover too. Not good. Not bad. Myself. Love, Costello. Do as the man says. Alright. Here. Give me 10 shares of Hiawatha Canoe stock. Attention. Latest stock quotation. Hiawatha Canoe is 51.
Hiawatha Canoe is 63. I want the canoes, 81. Hey, Costello. You hear that? Your stock has gone up 26 points already. Great. I'm rich. Come on. Let's go to the first store. I'm gonna buy Maryland the best mink coat in town. Well, Costello, they certainly got plenty of fur coats in the store. Hold on. We'll, let's ask the lady where the mink, coats are. Pardon me, miss. Well, if it isn't mister Orbit and mister Costello,
[00:11:00] Unknown:
You fought, little one.
[00:11:03] Unknown:
Well, miss, what are you doing
[00:11:05] Unknown:
what are you doing here at the furriers? Oh, I'm putting my new silver Fuchs coot in storage.
[00:11:11] Unknown:
Storage? Storage? Oh, Robert, you know what storage is. That's where you fill the pukets of your coot with moose boos and hang it in the klahuzit.
[00:11:29] Unknown:
Well, I must be joshing off. As we say in Russian,
[00:11:36] Unknown:
And a pen of veal, jalapeno, and a pussy you too. Hastello. Hey. I think this chap is a part of you. Pardon me, sir. Are you the salesman? Yes. As missus Nussbaum said to Fred Allen, you were expecting maybe Lauren Bagel. I wanna buy a fur coat. I don't care what it cost. What have you got for about $65? 60 5 dollars. Well, here's a lovely little number made from the fur of an animal called the Whipsnub. What is a Whipsnub? A Whipsnub is an animal that lives on onions and garlic. And believe me, one Whipsnub. Hey. Look. Mister Costello wants to buy a mink coat for Marilyn Maxwell. Well, as mister Anthony said to young widow Brown, you have a problem.
Now here is a lovely mink coat for $3,500. Alright. Yeah. That's alright. Come on, Costello. Buy the coat and have it sent over to Marilyn Maxwell's house. We've gotta get back to the broker's office and see how your stock is doing. Fine. I'll deliver to miss Maxwell. That'll be $3,500. Okay. Here's my check. Then as lady Godiva said to her horse, I'm putting everything I've got on you. Come on, Costello. The broker's office closes in ten minutes now. Hey. Look, Costello. Hey. What? They're marking up the quotations on Hiawatha Canoe stock. Hiawatha Canoe ninety five. Quick habit. I could've marked down my profits. Give me a pencil. Hiawatha Canoe sixty three. Give me another pencil. Hiawatha Canoe twenty one. Another pencil. Hiawatha Canoe nine and a half. Pencil. I want the canoe wiped out. Pencil. Pencils.
Pencils. Anybody wanna buy any pencils? Pencils is real. Well, Costello, you did it again. You lost all your money in the stock market. You're penniless. You're poverty stricken. Why? When you walk down the street, everybody will say, there goes that Tramp Costello. Haven't. Some people will say, there goes that tramp Costello, but my friends won't say that. No. Well, what will your friends say? There goes mister Costello, the tramp Yeah. You you, Eddie, do you know nothing about handling money? Abbot, when it comes to handling money, nobody can hold a candle to me. Why not? Get burned. Gusta, this is ridiculous. It's ridiculous, Gusta. Look. Hey. Here comes Marilyn Maxwell, and she's wearing the coat. Remember, you've gotta get it away from her someway and return it to the store or you'll go to jail. Oh, there you are, Louis, my darling. How can I ever thank you for this beautiful mink cone? It's the nicest present I ever got. Marilyn, it ain't good enough for you. I'm gonna take it back and get something better. Louis, what could be better than mink?
Doctor candy. Now, Stella, if you don't get that coat, you'll get ten years in jail. Louis, honey, I know it's your birthday next month. So what do you want me to bring you? A cake with a file in it.
[00:14:35] Unknown:
Oh, Louis. You're so romantic. It's such a gorgeous night. Just look at that lovely moon and those bright stars. Yeah. A guy is nuts not to be out catching eels on a night like this. Well, thanks for the coat, Lewis. I'm going home now. Goodbye. Goodbye.
[00:14:51] Unknown:
Now you're done, you idiot. You've gotta return that coat. You have to break into her house and steal it. Have it. My uncle broke into a girl's house and stole back a diamond ring he gave her. Her. What? Which uncle was that? Uncle nine one four seven five eight. Yes. But the trick is to break in without getting caught. Now here's what we'll do. Myrtle and Maxwell is crazy about Von Monroe's scene. You call her on the phone. Make believe you're Von Monroe and invite her here to the studio. And while she's out of the house, you break in and steal a coat. Abbott, Merlin likes Al Joseph singing too. Why don't we let Larry Parks call up? Let him get the coat. Oh, get on the phone, you idiot, and try to sound like Von Monroe. Okay. Oh, I'll sound like Von Monroe. Where do I tighten the muscles on my tassels?
Hello? Racing with the moon.
[00:15:41] Unknown:
Hello? Who is this?
[00:15:43] Unknown:
Racing with the moon.
[00:15:47] Unknown:
Who is this? It's Vaughn. Vaughn? Oh, you mean Vaughn Johnson.
[00:15:55] Unknown:
No. No. Listen. Racing
[00:15:59] Unknown:
with the moon. Oh, it's Von Monroe.
[00:16:03] Unknown:
In poison.
[00:16:04] Unknown:
Oh, mister Monroe. It's so nice of you to call. Marilyn, I'm down here at the studio. How would you like to come down and sing with Tourette with me on my program? Oh, I love it. I'll be right down, and I'll wear my new mink coat. It's a Lulu.
[00:16:19] Unknown:
Praise and and don't bring Lulu. What? What? Well, you see, my program is informal, so you better leave your mink coat at home. Well, alright, mister Monroe, if you say so. I'll be right over. Goodbye. She fell for it. Have it? Good. I was over to Marilyn's house and sneak in the window, then you get the meat coat. Abbot, I'm sorry I didn't give that coat to missus Wetwash. Why? Her windows are easier to open. Never mind that. Shh. Cristello. What? Now Now that's Marilyn's window up there. Get a ladder. Place it against the house, and I'll climb up and open the window for you. Okay. Here's the ladder. Start climbing. Sorry, Abbott.
That's no ladder. It's a Venetian blind. Lucky, I'm unarmed. Hey. Wait a minute. There's the far code on that chair. The window's open. Reach in and grab it. Okay. Okay, Abbott. Well, well, burglar, Jay. Come along with me. I'm taking you to jail. Oh, look, officer. We're Abbott and Castell. Now if you're thinking about this little incident, I'll give you two tickets to our next broadcast. Oh ho. Reckoning an officer, Get in this block car of the ball to you. Calling all cars. Attention all cars. Attention all cars. That's the police radio. Calling 18. Attention 18. You are now 19.
Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.
[00:17:56] Unknown:
Order in the court. Costello, you are charged with stealing a mink coat. What have you got to say? Your honor, I can explain the whole thing. I'm in a jam because of marmalading circumstances.
[00:18:06] Unknown:
Therefore, it becomes necessary to interrogate the Corpus Delacti and taking into consideration Irium Lanolin and Jabirandi. It is insidious, immaterial, and irrelevant. How can you say that? It's easy when you don't know what you're saying. Costello, you're being quiet. Know this. Costello, I sentenced you to five years and hard labor. You mean breaking rocks at Alcatraz? No. Real hard labor. Finding apartments for California veterans. Come on. Let's get back to, NBC Studios and explain the whole thing to Maryland. Oh, rabbit. Oh, rabbit. I'm ashamed to face Marilyn. You should be ashamed gambling your money in the stock market when you know absolutely nothing about it. Giving a check for for $3,500 when you have no money in the bank and then stooping so low as to steal the coat back. Do you realize the humiliation that you have caused me? My part. Now why do you do these things to me?
[00:19:07] Unknown:
Oh, my I wouldn't blame Merlin if she never spoke to me again. Oh, Louis Louis, the most exciting thing has happened to me. I just had a date with Von Monroe. He's so sweet, and he's interested in my singing, and he's going to be my manager.
[00:19:26] Unknown:
Habit, you did this. Marilyn, why don't you let me be your manager? I can't tell you. You know nothing about girl singers and, and what it takes to make a girl, successful. I do too. First, a girl has gotta have a good voice. And? Well, it helps if she's pretty. And and it don't hurt nothing if her father is president. Oh, Louis.
[00:19:49] Unknown:
Louis, I don't wanna hurt your feelings, but Vaughn said it was wrong for me to accept that mink coat from you, so you'll have to take it back. Vaughn said so. Well, Costello,
[00:19:58] Unknown:
you wanna say something?
[00:20:15] Unknown:
Evelyn Costello will be back in just a moment for a Camel cigarette. During the war, the makers of Camel cigarette sent a total of more than 150,000,000 free camels to our fighting men overseas. Now free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week, the camels go to Veterans Hospital Marion, Indiana, USAF Station Hospital, MacDill Field, Tampa, Florida, US Naval Hospital, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, US Marine Hospital, Memphis, Tennessee, and Veterans Hospital, McKinney, Texas. Camel broadcast go out to The United States Three times a week. I rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where I met our still station and to our good neighbors in Central And South America. And now back to Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. Well, Costello, it looks like, Von Monroe has cut you off with Marilyn Maxwell. Well, what are you gonna do for a date tonight? Give me that phone. I can get plenty of girls. I'll get a date.
[00:21:03] Unknown:
Hello? Let me talk to Jane Russell. Yes. I'm a very, very dear close friend of hers. Who are you? Uh-oh. Her husband? Bob Waterfield, the football player? Oh, just tell her that Bob Hope called. Come on, Jess. Have a good night, folks. Good night. Good night, everybody.
With Lucky Land Slots, you can get lucky just about anywhere. This is your captain speaking. We've got clear runway and the weather is fine, but we're just gonna circle up here a while and, get lucky. No. No. Nothing like that. It's just these cash prizes add up quick. So I suggest you sit back, keep your tray table upright, and start getting lucky. Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See website for See website for details.
Luckyland Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line of the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never went in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com. Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Fully recommended by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. See website for details. Hey, Costello. Costello, come over here.
Look at you. Look at yourself. You're all you're all covered with dust. You're all covered with dust. When did you get so dirty? I was over at your house, Abbot. I've been helping your wife do a spring cleaning. My house isn't that dirty. Oh, no. When I got through cleaning, we found four new rooms. I have it. I nearly got no. I have it. I have it. I have it. And I nearly got arrested too. And, I nearly got arrested. How come? I ran out on the porch to shake the dust mop, and a woman across the street called the cops. Why? She thought I was choking your wife. My oh, talk, saints. You know you ought to have a house of your own. Settle down. Find some nice girl. Why is it you don't ever seem to get along with girls, Lou? But when it comes to girls, I really got a late start in life. You see, my parents were very strict. You mean they wouldn't let you go out with the opposite sex? They wouldn't even tell me which was the opposite sex.
Only this morning, my father told me never to go out with girls. Where is your father now? Out with girls. But since I'm out here in Hollywood, Abbot, I found out about girls. I've rubbed shoulders with Lana Turner. I rubbed shoulders with Eddie Lamar, and I rubbed shoulders with Betty Gregoire. And what did you find out? They all wear shoulder pads. I but I don't worry about girls. I'd rather have my canary. Oh. She's so smart. What what do you mean so smart? What's so smart about a canary? Can you take a bath in the saucer? Fox says. How about, Marilyn Maxwell? Don't don't you date her anymore? I called Marilyn yesterday to go night cover with me, but she wouldn't go. Well, so what? There are other fish in the sea. Yeah. But how would I look? Dancing into my combo with a mackerel. I know.
Costello, you're the dumbest man I ever met. You're a baby
[00:02:56] Unknown:
baboon. Well,
[00:03:00] Unknown:
did you hear me? Yes, daddy. Listen to me, you nitwit. Tomorrow is Marilyn Maxwell's birthday. Now if you wanna make a big hit with her, why don't you buy her a nice present? Well, I only got a few dollars to have it. I can't buy her nothing expensive. Oh, have no fear, Costello. But I was your pal. He'll help you. You know me. Yeah. I'll show you how to make some money fast. We'll invest your money in the stock market. Now you know my brother has a seat on the curb. Yes. I know. Isn't he afraid he'll catch cold sitting there with his feet dangling in a gutter? No. No. No. You dummy. When I say he has a seat on the curb, I don't mean he sits on the curb. I mean his seat is on the curb. No matter how you look at it, Abbott, he's a loafer. No. No. Yeah. He's not a loafer. He's a broker. He ain't any broker than I am.
Costello, he's not broke. He's a broker. A broker is a trader. You're a pro he's a trader? Yeah. Certainly. He's one of the biggest traders in the country. Bigger than Benedict Arnold? Costello, Benedict Arnold was a traitor. My brother is a traitor. He goes into the market and sells short. He sells short? Oh, you mean he's an underwear trader? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. My brother sells short in the market. He's a bear. A man that sells his stock short in the market is a bear. Any man that will sell his shorts in the market deserves to be bear. Oh, Costello. There are two kinds of traders in the market. There are bears and bulls. Now they got bears and bulls in the market? That's right. No wonder the meat have been getting so tough. No. No. You're not.
You idiot. I'm not talking about a meat market. I'm talking about a stock market. The traders are called bears and bulls. The bulls are short and the I mean, the bears are short and the bulls are long. And they're always fighting each other, and that's what makes the market go up and down. They got long bulls fighting short bears, and the market is going up and down? Certainly. No wonder the joint is jumping. I have it. Have have you ever been mixed up with them bulls? Why? You sound like you had a couple of snorts. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Dummy, I'm only trying to explain to you that my brother is a broker and he has a seat on the curb. Did he always have a seat on the curb? No. He used to have a seat on the exchange, but the bottom dropped out of his shares.
The bottom dropped out of his shares? Yes. Well, if he's too cheap to get new bottoms for his chairs, let him sit on a curb. Oh, no. No. No. No. No. No. No. He's doing alright. He made a fine investment. He just bought some gilt edged debentures. Then why don't he get up off the curb and sit on a debenture? No. Shut up and listen to me. My brother is our broker. He takes people's money invested. He puts it in something. What does he put it in? Well, sometimes he puts it in oil. He puts money in oil? Certainly. Oil is a solid investment. Oh, I see. He puts it in solid oil. Then I suppose he puts vinegar on it and needs it. Now that's a pretty picture for you. A bowl of crispy tens and twenties with mayonnaise on a side. Oh, no. He's not.
Yes, simpleton. You you can't make a salad of money. Money is legal tender. No wonder it's tender. Your brother keeps digging it and keeping it in oil. He does not dip it in the oil. He invests it. Here, I'll give you an example. Suppose you want some steel stocks or copper stock, or you wanna get into American can. That didn't happen. This time, you've gone too far. What do you mean? Well, I didn't say nothing when you told me your brother sits on a curb in his shorts. I didn't call the FBI when you told me that he was a traitor, and I didn't squeal to the Humane Society when you said he chased long bulls and short bears around in the market. But when you have the nerve to tell me to steal stock so that a copper can throw me in the can, you have not only blackened my good name and impute upon me, but you have cast a smog over the United Nations conference, and that's not good.
I want to get Marilyn something nice for her birthday. Now why don't you get her a nice mink coat like, missus Letwash wears? Now that's an Easter mink with, fur or five inches long. It looks more like a Western skunk with five o'clock shadow. But you you should give, Marilyn something expensive. She never she never forgets you. Right, Abbott. Last year, she gave me a lovely present, a Japanese Hari Kari sword with a complete set of instructions. You talk sense. If you invest those few dollars on the stock market, you can make enough money to buy her a mink coat, Lou. Well, well, well, well, but it's mister Abbot. Oh, I see you're going back in Floridaville. Well, missus Whitwas, I am not going back in Vaudeville. Then what are you doing with that train seal?
[00:07:21] Unknown:
Oh, pardon me. It's Costello.
[00:07:24] Unknown:
Now just a second, missus Whitwas. I don't look like a trained steel. Maybe not, but I'm thankful I'm not a herring. You ain't half as thankful as the herrings are. Cut that out, Costello. Missus Wetwash, Costello wants to make some money quick. Now your late husband made a lot of money. Could you tell us how he did it? Well, my husband was a powerful man. He was a magnet. He must have had a powerful magnet to pick up a load of scrap iron like you.
[00:07:54] Unknown:
Why you cut rate Sydney Greenstreet?
[00:08:00] Unknown:
Miss Rabbit, why does Costello need all this money? Well, it's, Marilyn Maxwell's birthday, and Costello wants to buy her a mink coat. A mink coat from Maxwell?
[00:08:10] Unknown:
What do you see in Marilyn Maxwell?
[00:08:12] Unknown:
Why? Take away her blonde hair and her good looks. What have you got? I don't know, but you can deliver it to my house tomorrow morning. Oh,
[00:08:22] Unknown:
you're in the pot. Good stuff.
[00:08:26] Unknown:
Well, Costello, that settles it. We're going to the broker's office and invest your money. Come on. Well, here's the broker's office, Costello. Let's go and invest your money. Then you can buy Marilyn that mink coat. Abba, I think it's better if I buy her one of them machines and let her whip up her own mink coat. Wait a minute. What kind of a machine whips up a mink coat? Ain't you never heard of a minx master? Never mind that. Come on. Let's go in.
[00:08:59] Unknown:
Hi, fellas. Well, Skinny Annis, what are you doing? Buying some stock? Yep. I got all my money invested in the the DooDock company. They make zippers.
[00:09:08] Unknown:
Zippers? Sure. Ain't you never heard of Zip a Dee DooDot? Get out of here. How do you do, suckers? I mean, gentlemen, I'm a stock broker. What can I do for you? Well, my friend Costello here would like to invest in a quick moving stock. Okay. Then grab this kitchen chair and this whip and follow me. Why do I need the kitchen chair and the whip? I'm going to take you in the backroom and show you some of our wild cast stuff. You can tail short and be a bear or buy long and be a bull now. What would you like? I'll take a short bear with a bowl of pretzels and see what those wild cats in the backroom will have.
Tell the man what stock you want. Look, mister, give me 50 shares of Walter Winchell and 40 shares of Hedda Hopper. Walter Winchell and Hedda Hopper. What kind of stock is that? American tell and tell. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard the last joke that Louella Parsons will ever write for this show. Costello? Costello, I'll give you a good tip. Get in on Hiawatha canoe. Mister, when I get in a canoe, I don't need any tip from you. I can tip myself and get a quicker turnover too. Not good. Not bad. Myself. Love, Costello. Do as the man says. Alright. Here. Give me 10 shares of Hiawatha Canoe stock. Attention. Latest stock quotation. Hiawatha Canoe is 51.
Hiawatha Canoe is 63. I want the canoes, 81. Hey, Costello. You hear that? Your stock has gone up 26 points already. Great. I'm rich. Come on. Let's go to the first store. I'm gonna buy Maryland the best mink coat in town. Well, Costello, they certainly got plenty of fur coats in the store. Hold on. We'll, let's ask the lady where the mink, coats are. Pardon me, miss. Well, if it isn't mister Orbit and mister Costello,
[00:11:00] Unknown:
You fought, little one.
[00:11:03] Unknown:
Well, miss, what are you doing
[00:11:05] Unknown:
what are you doing here at the furriers? Oh, I'm putting my new silver Fuchs coot in storage.
[00:11:11] Unknown:
Storage? Storage? Oh, Robert, you know what storage is. That's where you fill the pukets of your coot with moose boos and hang it in the klahuzit.
[00:11:29] Unknown:
Well, I must be joshing off. As we say in Russian,
[00:11:36] Unknown:
And a pen of veal, jalapeno, and a pussy you too. Hastello. Hey. I think this chap is a part of you. Pardon me, sir. Are you the salesman? Yes. As missus Nussbaum said to Fred Allen, you were expecting maybe Lauren Bagel. I wanna buy a fur coat. I don't care what it cost. What have you got for about $65? 60 5 dollars. Well, here's a lovely little number made from the fur of an animal called the Whipsnub. What is a Whipsnub? A Whipsnub is an animal that lives on onions and garlic. And believe me, one Whipsnub. Hey. Look. Mister Costello wants to buy a mink coat for Marilyn Maxwell. Well, as mister Anthony said to young widow Brown, you have a problem.
Now here is a lovely mink coat for $3,500. Alright. Yeah. That's alright. Come on, Costello. Buy the coat and have it sent over to Marilyn Maxwell's house. We've gotta get back to the broker's office and see how your stock is doing. Fine. I'll deliver to miss Maxwell. That'll be $3,500. Okay. Here's my check. Then as lady Godiva said to her horse, I'm putting everything I've got on you. Come on, Costello. The broker's office closes in ten minutes now. Hey. Look, Costello. Hey. What? They're marking up the quotations on Hiawatha Canoe stock. Hiawatha Canoe ninety five. Quick habit. I could've marked down my profits. Give me a pencil. Hiawatha Canoe sixty three. Give me another pencil. Hiawatha Canoe twenty one. Another pencil. Hiawatha Canoe nine and a half. Pencil. I want the canoe wiped out. Pencil. Pencils.
Pencils. Anybody wanna buy any pencils? Pencils is real. Well, Costello, you did it again. You lost all your money in the stock market. You're penniless. You're poverty stricken. Why? When you walk down the street, everybody will say, there goes that Tramp Costello. Haven't. Some people will say, there goes that tramp Costello, but my friends won't say that. No. Well, what will your friends say? There goes mister Costello, the tramp Yeah. You you, Eddie, do you know nothing about handling money? Abbot, when it comes to handling money, nobody can hold a candle to me. Why not? Get burned. Gusta, this is ridiculous. It's ridiculous, Gusta. Look. Hey. Here comes Marilyn Maxwell, and she's wearing the coat. Remember, you've gotta get it away from her someway and return it to the store or you'll go to jail. Oh, there you are, Louis, my darling. How can I ever thank you for this beautiful mink cone? It's the nicest present I ever got. Marilyn, it ain't good enough for you. I'm gonna take it back and get something better. Louis, what could be better than mink?
Doctor candy. Now, Stella, if you don't get that coat, you'll get ten years in jail. Louis, honey, I know it's your birthday next month. So what do you want me to bring you? A cake with a file in it.
[00:14:35] Unknown:
Oh, Louis. You're so romantic. It's such a gorgeous night. Just look at that lovely moon and those bright stars. Yeah. A guy is nuts not to be out catching eels on a night like this. Well, thanks for the coat, Lewis. I'm going home now. Goodbye. Goodbye.
[00:14:51] Unknown:
Now you're done, you idiot. You've gotta return that coat. You have to break into her house and steal it. Have it. My uncle broke into a girl's house and stole back a diamond ring he gave her. Her. What? Which uncle was that? Uncle nine one four seven five eight. Yes. But the trick is to break in without getting caught. Now here's what we'll do. Myrtle and Maxwell is crazy about Von Monroe's scene. You call her on the phone. Make believe you're Von Monroe and invite her here to the studio. And while she's out of the house, you break in and steal a coat. Abbott, Merlin likes Al Joseph singing too. Why don't we let Larry Parks call up? Let him get the coat. Oh, get on the phone, you idiot, and try to sound like Von Monroe. Okay. Oh, I'll sound like Von Monroe. Where do I tighten the muscles on my tassels?
Hello? Racing with the moon.
[00:15:41] Unknown:
Hello? Who is this?
[00:15:43] Unknown:
Racing with the moon.
[00:15:47] Unknown:
Who is this? It's Vaughn. Vaughn? Oh, you mean Vaughn Johnson.
[00:15:55] Unknown:
No. No. Listen. Racing
[00:15:59] Unknown:
with the moon. Oh, it's Von Monroe.
[00:16:03] Unknown:
In poison.
[00:16:04] Unknown:
Oh, mister Monroe. It's so nice of you to call. Marilyn, I'm down here at the studio. How would you like to come down and sing with Tourette with me on my program? Oh, I love it. I'll be right down, and I'll wear my new mink coat. It's a Lulu.
[00:16:19] Unknown:
Praise and and don't bring Lulu. What? What? Well, you see, my program is informal, so you better leave your mink coat at home. Well, alright, mister Monroe, if you say so. I'll be right over. Goodbye. She fell for it. Have it? Good. I was over to Marilyn's house and sneak in the window, then you get the meat coat. Abbot, I'm sorry I didn't give that coat to missus Wetwash. Why? Her windows are easier to open. Never mind that. Shh. Cristello. What? Now Now that's Marilyn's window up there. Get a ladder. Place it against the house, and I'll climb up and open the window for you. Okay. Here's the ladder. Start climbing. Sorry, Abbott.
That's no ladder. It's a Venetian blind. Lucky, I'm unarmed. Hey. Wait a minute. There's the far code on that chair. The window's open. Reach in and grab it. Okay. Okay, Abbott. Well, well, burglar, Jay. Come along with me. I'm taking you to jail. Oh, look, officer. We're Abbott and Castell. Now if you're thinking about this little incident, I'll give you two tickets to our next broadcast. Oh ho. Reckoning an officer, Get in this block car of the ball to you. Calling all cars. Attention all cars. Attention all cars. That's the police radio. Calling 18. Attention 18. You are now 19.
Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.
[00:17:56] Unknown:
Order in the court. Costello, you are charged with stealing a mink coat. What have you got to say? Your honor, I can explain the whole thing. I'm in a jam because of marmalading circumstances.
[00:18:06] Unknown:
Therefore, it becomes necessary to interrogate the Corpus Delacti and taking into consideration Irium Lanolin and Jabirandi. It is insidious, immaterial, and irrelevant. How can you say that? It's easy when you don't know what you're saying. Costello, you're being quiet. Know this. Costello, I sentenced you to five years and hard labor. You mean breaking rocks at Alcatraz? No. Real hard labor. Finding apartments for California veterans. Come on. Let's get back to, NBC Studios and explain the whole thing to Maryland. Oh, rabbit. Oh, rabbit. I'm ashamed to face Marilyn. You should be ashamed gambling your money in the stock market when you know absolutely nothing about it. Giving a check for for $3,500 when you have no money in the bank and then stooping so low as to steal the coat back. Do you realize the humiliation that you have caused me? My part. Now why do you do these things to me?
[00:19:07] Unknown:
Oh, my I wouldn't blame Merlin if she never spoke to me again. Oh, Louis Louis, the most exciting thing has happened to me. I just had a date with Von Monroe. He's so sweet, and he's interested in my singing, and he's going to be my manager.
[00:19:26] Unknown:
Habit, you did this. Marilyn, why don't you let me be your manager? I can't tell you. You know nothing about girl singers and, and what it takes to make a girl, successful. I do too. First, a girl has gotta have a good voice. And? Well, it helps if she's pretty. And and it don't hurt nothing if her father is president. Oh, Louis.
[00:19:49] Unknown:
Louis, I don't wanna hurt your feelings, but Vaughn said it was wrong for me to accept that mink coat from you, so you'll have to take it back. Vaughn said so. Well, Costello,
[00:19:58] Unknown:
you wanna say something?
[00:20:15] Unknown:
Evelyn Costello will be back in just a moment for a Camel cigarette. During the war, the makers of Camel cigarette sent a total of more than 150,000,000 free camels to our fighting men overseas. Now free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week, the camels go to Veterans Hospital Marion, Indiana, USAF Station Hospital, MacDill Field, Tampa, Florida, US Naval Hospital, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, US Marine Hospital, Memphis, Tennessee, and Veterans Hospital, McKinney, Texas. Camel broadcast go out to The United States Three times a week. I rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where I met our still station and to our good neighbors in Central And South America. And now back to Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. Well, Costello, it looks like, Von Monroe has cut you off with Marilyn Maxwell. Well, what are you gonna do for a date tonight? Give me that phone. I can get plenty of girls. I'll get a date.
[00:21:03] Unknown:
Hello? Let me talk to Jane Russell. Yes. I'm a very, very dear close friend of hers. Who are you? Uh-oh. Her husband? Bob Waterfield, the football player? Oh, just tell her that Bob Hope called. Come on, Jess. Have a good night, folks. Good night. Good night, everybody.
Costello's Dusty Dilemma
Girls, Canaries, and Shoulder Pads
The Stock Market Misunderstanding
The Mink Coat Conundrum
The Broker's Office Adventure
The Rise and Fall of Hiawatha Canoe
The Break-In Blunder
Courtroom Chaos and Redemption
