In this lively episode, we dive into the comedic world of Abbott and Costello, exploring their hilarious antics and witty banter. The episode features a series of comedic sketches, including a humorous take on Spanish acting lessons and a playful parody of dramatic acting in Hollywood. Costello's attempts to become a serious actor are met with Abbott's skepticism, leading to a series of laugh-out-loud moments as they navigate the world of show business.
Listeners are treated to a delightful mix of slapstick humor and clever wordplay, as Costello's misunderstandings and Abbott's straight-man responses create a comedic dynamic that is both timeless and entertaining. From mistaken identities to exaggerated romantic scenarios, this episode captures the essence of classic comedy, leaving audiences in stitches and eager for more of Abbott and Costello's unforgettable performances.
(00:34) Judy's Casino Adventure
(01:04) Costello's Peculiar Behavior
(03:11) Romantic Misadventures
(05:00) Costello's Acting Aspirations
(08:17) Spanish Acting Lessons
(12:37) The Studio Audition
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis, and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Introducing The Godfather Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champacasino.com.
[00:00:28] Unknown:
Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW group. Boy where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. Judy was boring. Hello. Then Judy discovered chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:39] Unknown:
It's my little escape. Now Judy's the life of the party. Oh, baby. Mama's bringing home the bacon. Woah. Take it easy, Judy. Ch ch
[00:00:48] Unknown:
ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch
[00:01:04] Unknown:
Well, Costello? Costello, it's It's about time you got here. What were you doing at the music shop down on the corner? Oh, I would need to get a record of that song about Molotov. A song about the great Russian diplomat? Molotov? Yeah. What is it called? I came here to talk for Joe. Costello, you're getting dumber every day. I think you could tell everything you know in five minutes. I could tell everything the fourth of us know and it wouldn't take any longer. Longer. Never mind that, Costello. You've been acting very peculiar since we started our picture at the MGM. This is gonna kill a lot of people. Yes. I'm afraid you're getting very conceited. I am not conceited. I'm the same talented, lovable, high class big shot I've always been. I was right. You are stuck up. Why, yesterday, you even autographed one of your own pictures and to yourself. Well, I had to do it, Abbot. I always wanted a picture of me. What did you write on that picture? With love from one handsome guy to another.
Costello, you are a swell headed, pompous egomaniac. Yeah. But I wish you'd tell me tell that to myself, mister. Why? He thinks I'm a jerk. Oh. Costello, you are becoming impossible. Everybody at the studio is talking about you. Yeah. But they're all saying nice things. Yeah. I wonder. Sylvan Simon, Martin Garshall, and I speaking so nice of me. Just yesterday, Margaret O'Brien paid me a compliment. Margaret O'Brien is just a little child, and I heard what she said to you. You did? Yes. Margaret O'Brien said you had a face that only a mother could love. Yes. But did you ever see your mother?
[00:02:47] Unknown:
Come
[00:02:49] Unknown:
here, Craciello. You know the way you've been chasing the girls at the studio set is disgraceful. Those actresses don't wanna be bothered with you. You're not the romantic type. Oh, is that so? Well, Judy Garland, she thinks I'm a great romantic lover. She said I reminded her of Rooney. Judy Garland said you reminded her of Rooney? Well, she didn't use them words, but she said every time I kissed her, it was like getting a Mickey. Listen, Godzilla. You're a comedian. You'll never be a lover in pictures with your face. Now what's wrong with my face? I'm getting prettier every day. I'm getting so pretty that I'm even making my own mother jealous. Oh, Costello, how could you make your mother jealous? She looks at me and gets jealous that you're a mother's. Nostalgia, nobody is jealous of you. Why, your new girl, Mabel, Mustard Plaster doesn't give a hoot about you. Is that so? Yes. Well, it so happens, Abbot, that Mabel Mustard Plaster is stuck on me. Last night, Herb I don't get it.
It so happens that last night, Herb and me sat in Florida fireplace and watched the coals turn red. Do you know what made those coals turn red? Nothing that we was doing. Tell me, Costello, when you first met Mabel? Were you infatuated? No. But she was about half pastored. Costello, you don't understand. I mean, when you started to woo Mabel. Were you, smitten? Oh, certainly I was smitten. We were both smitten. You don't think I woo standing up, do you? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. You idiot. I didn't I was smitten like my last I didn't. Please, I didn't say smitten. I said smitten. When you held hands with Mabel the first time, were you smitten? No, sir. You weren't smitten? No. When I hold hands with a girl, I don't wear no smitten. No. Look.
Look. Look. I'm I'm only trying to find out how you feel about Mabel Mustard Glasses. Now if you were smitten with a girl, you might hank her for her. Did you ever hanker for her? I even hankered with her. Oh, no. Now you're saying, you're saying, how could you hanker for a girl? Well, it happened last Sunday, Abbott. Mabel and I got in a rowboat and rode way out to the end of the point, and we hankered there all day. Boy, did we have fun. I wasn't even wearing my smitten. It wasn't cold. No, no, no. No, Costello. You're confusing the issue. You're talking about anchoring a boat and I'm talking about hankering for a girl. Now, hankering is like yearning. Tell me, are you yearning for Mabel? No, sir. I'm yearning for myself and my father. You yearning for yourself and your father? Yeah. I make $20 a week, and my father takes half of what I yearn. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No And to yearn, you must be smitten. If you are smitten, that constitutes infatuation.
Oh, when you say yearn, you don't mean earn like in earning. You mean, yearn like in yearning. And to yearn, you must be smitten if you are smitten that constitutes infatuation. Now you've got it. Now I don't even know what I'm talking about. That's Bella. Forget about being a dramatic actor. You'll never be a success as a ladies' man. Oh, no. Well, for your information, mister Abbott, there's a dozen women in Hollywood tearing their hair out just to have a date with me. Will, why don't you go out with them? Who wants to go out with bald headed women? Now what? Haven't. I've made up my mind. What do you mean? I ain't gonna act. And no more comedy pictures. No more. I'm too pretty to be hanging off the back of fire wagons, getting basketballs bounced off of my head and having oysters squirting nook in my pussy. Oh, calm down. Calm down. Alright. How about that? Time and text me. Never mind. Listen. No more of that. Now look. You're a comedian. You can't be a dramatic actor. That takes training and background. Oh, I got that habit. My whole family was high class actors. My aunt Minnie was a fan dancer. A fan dancer? Yeah. And one time when aunt Minnie was doing a fan dance, a mouse ran across the stage and my Aunt Mini dropped her fan. And what happened? The mouse fainted.
Did they get rid of the mouse? Did they get rid of the mouse? No. He had a ticket. They couldn't put him out. I locked tell him, please. You don't understand. I'm talking about dramatic background like I've got. Why, when I was 12 years old, I was with the Abbey Players of Ireland. That's nothing. When I was 12 years old, I was with the hooky players of Paris. Come in. I beg your pardon. Which one of you is Lou Costello, the great actor? That's me. Mr. Costello, please face my camera and give me a big smile. That's it. Thank you, Mr. Costello. And don't forget to look in the paper tomorrow morning. Will my picture be in? No, but Dick Tracy is in a terrible map.
Math. I'll put that guy as measles brought a chickenpox. Hello? Yes. This is Bud Abbott. Okay. I'll tell Castello. Hey, that was Universal Studios. They said they, sir, they won't be able to complete our latest picture of the naughty 90s until they are able to secure a dramatic to play the final scene. They said that Betty Davis, Katharine Hepburn joined Fontaine and all the other dramatic actresses are busy and our picture will have to wait. Did they realize that this is a half hour program? Why, what's wrong? They said all that just now? Yes. We must be running overtime, brother.
Never mind that. Costello, this is your big chance to prove your acting ability. I'm going to get you some women's clothes, take you to the studio, and we'll see if you're good enough to fool a director into letting you do the final scene. But they'll recognize me. They know all the dramatic actresses. Yes. But they don't know all the South American dramatic actresses. Oh, I get it. You want me to be another Carmen Miranda? That's Carmen Miranda. With my shape, it's Miranda. Some people even think I'm astute. Alright. Look. Come on, Kartel, I'll take you to Professor. Melonhead's School of Spanish Acting and have him coach you for the part.
[00:08:17] Unknown:
Welcome. Welcome to the School of Spanish Acting, gentlemen. I am Signor Melonhead.
[00:08:27] Unknown:
Signor Melonhead. I've seen your Melonhead around here for ten weeks. You're starting to get right. Now, Cassello, I'm surprised at you. Senior Mellan Hill is a great artist. And why don't he have where am I mixed up? Never mind. He said I got it. I got it. I got it. Thank you. And why don't he paint never mind. On with the next line.
[00:08:47] Unknown:
What's the matter with my head? Your scalp runs all the way down to your heels. Is that so? Okay. Young man, I'll have you know, Costello. Before I married my wife, I had hair as black as the ace of Spain.
[00:09:00] Unknown:
Looks like your wife pranked your ass.
[00:09:03] Unknown:
Melon Head, was your whole family pulled? No. Not exactly. Of course, for many years, my mother did have a rat in her hair. That's no way to talk about your father.
[00:09:12] Unknown:
Yes. Costello, be quiet. Senior Melon Head? Castella wants to play the part of a pretty Spanish girl now. Can you coach him? Can I coach him? Gentlemen, I am the greatest authority on Spanish customs. Why, I've even been a bullfighter.
[00:09:25] Unknown:
In my native Spain, I used to enter the arena like a matador. I faced the bull like a picador, and I fought the bull like a poreador.
[00:09:35] Unknown:
And they carried you out like a cuspador. Shut up, Costello.
[00:09:41] Unknown:
Mr. Melonhead. Yes? Did you start Costello's lessons right now? Why, of course, I'll start his lessons immediately. Here, on this piece of paper is a simple Spanish phrase. Read it, please. Okay. Muchas, gracious, amigo? No, no, no, not gracious. That word is gratias. You see, in Spanish, the c is pronounced t h. Gracias. You see, t h.
[00:10:05] Unknown:
Would you mind putting your head some get over there. In Spanish, the t h In Spanish, the TH. In Spanish, it's pronounced TH. That's right. It's a good thing we don't have that in English. Can you imagine Bing Crosby and Gary Cooper taking Florek Tolbert in a restaurant ordering three cups of coffee and three pieces of coconut cups of pie?
[00:10:28] Unknown:
This is Chris. Get out of here.
[00:10:31] Unknown:
Oh, come on. Who likes this? I don't know. Look. Look. Let's talk sensitive. Let's talk, James Castello. Come on. Let's get on with the lessons. Very well, Mr. Abbott. Now, Castello,
[00:10:49] Unknown:
we'll say that you, you are a lovely Spanish senorita. You meet a gay caballero at your Fiesta. Now when he sees you, he playfully clicks his castanet and then he bangs his maracas together.
[00:11:06] Unknown:
He does? Yes. And do you know what you do? Yes. I hit him over the head with my Fiesta. No.
[00:11:14] Unknown:
You do nothing of the sort. You invite him look, you invite him into your home and you cook him a delicious Spanish meal in your patio.
[00:11:23] Unknown:
Can you remember that? I can remember when I didn't have a patio to cook in.
[00:11:34] Unknown:
All right. Now, Costello, while you are cooking the meal, the Caballero strolls into your kitchen. He admires your frijoles. He slyly sprinkles cheese on your tortillas and then he pushes your enchiladas on the back of the hot stove.
[00:12:00] Unknown:
He wouldn't dare. He hasn't got the nerve. Just a minute. Just what's the matter, Costello? Melonhut, this time you have gone too far. I didn't mind when that cab driver clicked his gasket. I said nothing when he banged his bazookas together right in my fiesta. But when you make him push my poor old auntie lobby on the back of a hot stove, you have not only impute on my good name, but you have cast asmersion on the good neighbor policy, much as precious without a th and that's that. I'll get him on, please. Well, Costello, here we are at the studio. Now remember, you're dressed like a Spanish lady to act like one. And please straighten up, you're all stooped over. I can't help it. It's a long pull from my God, a belt on my socks.
Quiet, quiet. Now remember, Costello, it's your chance to prove to the director, Mr. Peknikulovich, that you're a great actress. Come on. Mr. Revitt, and who is this beautiful young lady with you? Mr. Technicolovich, allow me to introduce the famous South American actress, Louisa Castellio. What's wrong with that? This senorita does not speak English. Not a word. Mr. Rave, she is wonderful. She is the most beautiful girl I have seen since I left home. No wonder he left home. What? Senorita, a moment ago, you didn't speak English. I learned fast. Oh, senorita, you are ravishing.
This is the first time I ever saw a leading lady. Stop looking at me with those eyes, brother. But it's still the first time I ever saw a leading lady with muscles. Tonight, I will take you to dinner. Yes? Yes. Then I take you to the theater. Yes? Yes. And after that, I take you to my apartment. Yes? No. But, senorita, I have something to show you. I have etching. You have etching? Then scratch yourself, but I'm getting out of here. Come on, Adam. Wait a finger on me. We will make a scream test. Banana. Now we will make a scream test immediately.
Hey, Evan, this is what I've been waiting for. No more comedy for me. Nice dignified acting. Now quiet. Now we will take the scene. Senorita, this is a love triangle. You will play the part of the other woman. Why can't the other woman play her own part? Be quiet. I mean, I don't want to take some other poor woman's job away. Be quiet, please. I mean, but after all The scene opens with you in the arms of your lover. Action.
[00:15:04] Unknown:
My fiery Latin beauty. Let me put my arms around your waist. You think you can make it?
[00:15:11] Unknown:
You are so gorgeous.
[00:15:13] Unknown:
You have the kind of hair I love to touch. You have the kind of eyes I love to gaze into. You You have the kind of lips I love to hear. You have the kind of throat that I love to
[00:15:24] Unknown:
cut. Henrietta, you are too cold. Have you never been in law? What do you do when a man tries to kiss you? I belt him in a kisser. Can you be quiet? I mean, but I'm only trying to turn it at this limit. Now continue this scene. Camera, action. You big, strong man. Let me take you in my arms. Senorita, please don't bend the actors. But I was told Quiet. I mean, I was just Quiet. I mean, after all Shut up. Dead as Sylvan Simon have I ever seen a guy. Now the jealous wife comes in and catches you making love to her husband. Action.
[00:16:05] Unknown:
Uh-huh. So this is what go down behind my back. You Latin cheater, where's my gun? Oh, wait a minute, Matilda. Put down that gun. The Saint Rita and I love each other until death. You must part.
[00:16:18] Unknown:
And I think that's what's going to part us. Hey, Abbot, please take me back to funny pictures. Oh, you're doing great, Costello. You'll never have to do slapstick comedy again. No more rough stuff. No more falling down to get laughs. No more getting pies thrown into your face. All right. Quiet. He was only trying to Shut up, you all. Now continue the scene. Camera. Oh,
[00:17:18] Unknown:
And no. And no. Get out, you huffy.
[00:17:22] Unknown:
All right. But before I go, I'm going to take this lemon pie, the pie that I baked for your husband. But you will buy eggs so the pie belongs to me. It's my pie. It is not. It's my pie. It's my pie. Cut. Cut. I'll settle this. This bickering is disgraceful. Can you repeat, Castillo? Give me that pie. What did you say? I want that pie. Give me that pie. Okay. But remember, you ask,
[00:17:56] Unknown:
Schwartz.
Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis, and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Introducing The Godfather Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champacasino.com.
[00:00:28] Unknown:
Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW group. Boy where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. Judy was boring. Hello. Then Judy discovered chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:39] Unknown:
It's my little escape. Now Judy's the life of the party. Oh, baby. Mama's bringing home the bacon. Woah. Take it easy, Judy. Ch ch
[00:00:48] Unknown:
ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch
[00:01:04] Unknown:
Well, Costello? Costello, it's It's about time you got here. What were you doing at the music shop down on the corner? Oh, I would need to get a record of that song about Molotov. A song about the great Russian diplomat? Molotov? Yeah. What is it called? I came here to talk for Joe. Costello, you're getting dumber every day. I think you could tell everything you know in five minutes. I could tell everything the fourth of us know and it wouldn't take any longer. Longer. Never mind that, Costello. You've been acting very peculiar since we started our picture at the MGM. This is gonna kill a lot of people. Yes. I'm afraid you're getting very conceited. I am not conceited. I'm the same talented, lovable, high class big shot I've always been. I was right. You are stuck up. Why, yesterday, you even autographed one of your own pictures and to yourself. Well, I had to do it, Abbot. I always wanted a picture of me. What did you write on that picture? With love from one handsome guy to another.
Costello, you are a swell headed, pompous egomaniac. Yeah. But I wish you'd tell me tell that to myself, mister. Why? He thinks I'm a jerk. Oh. Costello, you are becoming impossible. Everybody at the studio is talking about you. Yeah. But they're all saying nice things. Yeah. I wonder. Sylvan Simon, Martin Garshall, and I speaking so nice of me. Just yesterday, Margaret O'Brien paid me a compliment. Margaret O'Brien is just a little child, and I heard what she said to you. You did? Yes. Margaret O'Brien said you had a face that only a mother could love. Yes. But did you ever see your mother?
[00:02:47] Unknown:
Come
[00:02:49] Unknown:
here, Craciello. You know the way you've been chasing the girls at the studio set is disgraceful. Those actresses don't wanna be bothered with you. You're not the romantic type. Oh, is that so? Well, Judy Garland, she thinks I'm a great romantic lover. She said I reminded her of Rooney. Judy Garland said you reminded her of Rooney? Well, she didn't use them words, but she said every time I kissed her, it was like getting a Mickey. Listen, Godzilla. You're a comedian. You'll never be a lover in pictures with your face. Now what's wrong with my face? I'm getting prettier every day. I'm getting so pretty that I'm even making my own mother jealous. Oh, Costello, how could you make your mother jealous? She looks at me and gets jealous that you're a mother's. Nostalgia, nobody is jealous of you. Why, your new girl, Mabel, Mustard Plaster doesn't give a hoot about you. Is that so? Yes. Well, it so happens, Abbot, that Mabel Mustard Plaster is stuck on me. Last night, Herb I don't get it.
It so happens that last night, Herb and me sat in Florida fireplace and watched the coals turn red. Do you know what made those coals turn red? Nothing that we was doing. Tell me, Costello, when you first met Mabel? Were you infatuated? No. But she was about half pastored. Costello, you don't understand. I mean, when you started to woo Mabel. Were you, smitten? Oh, certainly I was smitten. We were both smitten. You don't think I woo standing up, do you? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. You idiot. I didn't I was smitten like my last I didn't. Please, I didn't say smitten. I said smitten. When you held hands with Mabel the first time, were you smitten? No, sir. You weren't smitten? No. When I hold hands with a girl, I don't wear no smitten. No. Look.
Look. Look. I'm I'm only trying to find out how you feel about Mabel Mustard Glasses. Now if you were smitten with a girl, you might hank her for her. Did you ever hanker for her? I even hankered with her. Oh, no. Now you're saying, you're saying, how could you hanker for a girl? Well, it happened last Sunday, Abbott. Mabel and I got in a rowboat and rode way out to the end of the point, and we hankered there all day. Boy, did we have fun. I wasn't even wearing my smitten. It wasn't cold. No, no, no. No, Costello. You're confusing the issue. You're talking about anchoring a boat and I'm talking about hankering for a girl. Now, hankering is like yearning. Tell me, are you yearning for Mabel? No, sir. I'm yearning for myself and my father. You yearning for yourself and your father? Yeah. I make $20 a week, and my father takes half of what I yearn. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No And to yearn, you must be smitten. If you are smitten, that constitutes infatuation.
Oh, when you say yearn, you don't mean earn like in earning. You mean, yearn like in yearning. And to yearn, you must be smitten if you are smitten that constitutes infatuation. Now you've got it. Now I don't even know what I'm talking about. That's Bella. Forget about being a dramatic actor. You'll never be a success as a ladies' man. Oh, no. Well, for your information, mister Abbott, there's a dozen women in Hollywood tearing their hair out just to have a date with me. Will, why don't you go out with them? Who wants to go out with bald headed women? Now what? Haven't. I've made up my mind. What do you mean? I ain't gonna act. And no more comedy pictures. No more. I'm too pretty to be hanging off the back of fire wagons, getting basketballs bounced off of my head and having oysters squirting nook in my pussy. Oh, calm down. Calm down. Alright. How about that? Time and text me. Never mind. Listen. No more of that. Now look. You're a comedian. You can't be a dramatic actor. That takes training and background. Oh, I got that habit. My whole family was high class actors. My aunt Minnie was a fan dancer. A fan dancer? Yeah. And one time when aunt Minnie was doing a fan dance, a mouse ran across the stage and my Aunt Mini dropped her fan. And what happened? The mouse fainted.
Did they get rid of the mouse? Did they get rid of the mouse? No. He had a ticket. They couldn't put him out. I locked tell him, please. You don't understand. I'm talking about dramatic background like I've got. Why, when I was 12 years old, I was with the Abbey Players of Ireland. That's nothing. When I was 12 years old, I was with the hooky players of Paris. Come in. I beg your pardon. Which one of you is Lou Costello, the great actor? That's me. Mr. Costello, please face my camera and give me a big smile. That's it. Thank you, Mr. Costello. And don't forget to look in the paper tomorrow morning. Will my picture be in? No, but Dick Tracy is in a terrible map.
Math. I'll put that guy as measles brought a chickenpox. Hello? Yes. This is Bud Abbott. Okay. I'll tell Castello. Hey, that was Universal Studios. They said they, sir, they won't be able to complete our latest picture of the naughty 90s until they are able to secure a dramatic to play the final scene. They said that Betty Davis, Katharine Hepburn joined Fontaine and all the other dramatic actresses are busy and our picture will have to wait. Did they realize that this is a half hour program? Why, what's wrong? They said all that just now? Yes. We must be running overtime, brother.
Never mind that. Costello, this is your big chance to prove your acting ability. I'm going to get you some women's clothes, take you to the studio, and we'll see if you're good enough to fool a director into letting you do the final scene. But they'll recognize me. They know all the dramatic actresses. Yes. But they don't know all the South American dramatic actresses. Oh, I get it. You want me to be another Carmen Miranda? That's Carmen Miranda. With my shape, it's Miranda. Some people even think I'm astute. Alright. Look. Come on, Kartel, I'll take you to Professor. Melonhead's School of Spanish Acting and have him coach you for the part.
[00:08:17] Unknown:
Welcome. Welcome to the School of Spanish Acting, gentlemen. I am Signor Melonhead.
[00:08:27] Unknown:
Signor Melonhead. I've seen your Melonhead around here for ten weeks. You're starting to get right. Now, Cassello, I'm surprised at you. Senior Mellan Hill is a great artist. And why don't he have where am I mixed up? Never mind. He said I got it. I got it. I got it. Thank you. And why don't he paint never mind. On with the next line.
[00:08:47] Unknown:
What's the matter with my head? Your scalp runs all the way down to your heels. Is that so? Okay. Young man, I'll have you know, Costello. Before I married my wife, I had hair as black as the ace of Spain.
[00:09:00] Unknown:
Looks like your wife pranked your ass.
[00:09:03] Unknown:
Melon Head, was your whole family pulled? No. Not exactly. Of course, for many years, my mother did have a rat in her hair. That's no way to talk about your father.
[00:09:12] Unknown:
Yes. Costello, be quiet. Senior Melon Head? Castella wants to play the part of a pretty Spanish girl now. Can you coach him? Can I coach him? Gentlemen, I am the greatest authority on Spanish customs. Why, I've even been a bullfighter.
[00:09:25] Unknown:
In my native Spain, I used to enter the arena like a matador. I faced the bull like a picador, and I fought the bull like a poreador.
[00:09:35] Unknown:
And they carried you out like a cuspador. Shut up, Costello.
[00:09:41] Unknown:
Mr. Melonhead. Yes? Did you start Costello's lessons right now? Why, of course, I'll start his lessons immediately. Here, on this piece of paper is a simple Spanish phrase. Read it, please. Okay. Muchas, gracious, amigo? No, no, no, not gracious. That word is gratias. You see, in Spanish, the c is pronounced t h. Gracias. You see, t h.
[00:10:05] Unknown:
Would you mind putting your head some get over there. In Spanish, the t h In Spanish, the TH. In Spanish, it's pronounced TH. That's right. It's a good thing we don't have that in English. Can you imagine Bing Crosby and Gary Cooper taking Florek Tolbert in a restaurant ordering three cups of coffee and three pieces of coconut cups of pie?
[00:10:28] Unknown:
This is Chris. Get out of here.
[00:10:31] Unknown:
Oh, come on. Who likes this? I don't know. Look. Look. Let's talk sensitive. Let's talk, James Castello. Come on. Let's get on with the lessons. Very well, Mr. Abbott. Now, Castello,
[00:10:49] Unknown:
we'll say that you, you are a lovely Spanish senorita. You meet a gay caballero at your Fiesta. Now when he sees you, he playfully clicks his castanet and then he bangs his maracas together.
[00:11:06] Unknown:
He does? Yes. And do you know what you do? Yes. I hit him over the head with my Fiesta. No.
[00:11:14] Unknown:
You do nothing of the sort. You invite him look, you invite him into your home and you cook him a delicious Spanish meal in your patio.
[00:11:23] Unknown:
Can you remember that? I can remember when I didn't have a patio to cook in.
[00:11:34] Unknown:
All right. Now, Costello, while you are cooking the meal, the Caballero strolls into your kitchen. He admires your frijoles. He slyly sprinkles cheese on your tortillas and then he pushes your enchiladas on the back of the hot stove.
[00:12:00] Unknown:
He wouldn't dare. He hasn't got the nerve. Just a minute. Just what's the matter, Costello? Melonhut, this time you have gone too far. I didn't mind when that cab driver clicked his gasket. I said nothing when he banged his bazookas together right in my fiesta. But when you make him push my poor old auntie lobby on the back of a hot stove, you have not only impute on my good name, but you have cast asmersion on the good neighbor policy, much as precious without a th and that's that. I'll get him on, please. Well, Costello, here we are at the studio. Now remember, you're dressed like a Spanish lady to act like one. And please straighten up, you're all stooped over. I can't help it. It's a long pull from my God, a belt on my socks.
Quiet, quiet. Now remember, Costello, it's your chance to prove to the director, Mr. Peknikulovich, that you're a great actress. Come on. Mr. Revitt, and who is this beautiful young lady with you? Mr. Technicolovich, allow me to introduce the famous South American actress, Louisa Castellio. What's wrong with that? This senorita does not speak English. Not a word. Mr. Rave, she is wonderful. She is the most beautiful girl I have seen since I left home. No wonder he left home. What? Senorita, a moment ago, you didn't speak English. I learned fast. Oh, senorita, you are ravishing.
This is the first time I ever saw a leading lady. Stop looking at me with those eyes, brother. But it's still the first time I ever saw a leading lady with muscles. Tonight, I will take you to dinner. Yes? Yes. Then I take you to the theater. Yes? Yes. And after that, I take you to my apartment. Yes? No. But, senorita, I have something to show you. I have etching. You have etching? Then scratch yourself, but I'm getting out of here. Come on, Adam. Wait a finger on me. We will make a scream test. Banana. Now we will make a scream test immediately.
Hey, Evan, this is what I've been waiting for. No more comedy for me. Nice dignified acting. Now quiet. Now we will take the scene. Senorita, this is a love triangle. You will play the part of the other woman. Why can't the other woman play her own part? Be quiet. I mean, I don't want to take some other poor woman's job away. Be quiet, please. I mean, but after all The scene opens with you in the arms of your lover. Action.
[00:15:04] Unknown:
My fiery Latin beauty. Let me put my arms around your waist. You think you can make it?
[00:15:11] Unknown:
You are so gorgeous.
[00:15:13] Unknown:
You have the kind of hair I love to touch. You have the kind of eyes I love to gaze into. You You have the kind of lips I love to hear. You have the kind of throat that I love to
[00:15:24] Unknown:
cut. Henrietta, you are too cold. Have you never been in law? What do you do when a man tries to kiss you? I belt him in a kisser. Can you be quiet? I mean, but I'm only trying to turn it at this limit. Now continue this scene. Camera, action. You big, strong man. Let me take you in my arms. Senorita, please don't bend the actors. But I was told Quiet. I mean, I was just Quiet. I mean, after all Shut up. Dead as Sylvan Simon have I ever seen a guy. Now the jealous wife comes in and catches you making love to her husband. Action.
[00:16:05] Unknown:
Uh-huh. So this is what go down behind my back. You Latin cheater, where's my gun? Oh, wait a minute, Matilda. Put down that gun. The Saint Rita and I love each other until death. You must part.
[00:16:18] Unknown:
And I think that's what's going to part us. Hey, Abbot, please take me back to funny pictures. Oh, you're doing great, Costello. You'll never have to do slapstick comedy again. No more rough stuff. No more falling down to get laughs. No more getting pies thrown into your face. All right. Quiet. He was only trying to Shut up, you all. Now continue the scene. Camera. Oh,
[00:17:18] Unknown:
And no. And no. Get out, you huffy.
[00:17:22] Unknown:
All right. But before I go, I'm going to take this lemon pie, the pie that I baked for your husband. But you will buy eggs so the pie belongs to me. It's my pie. It is not. It's my pie. It's my pie. Cut. Cut. I'll settle this. This bickering is disgraceful. Can you repeat, Castillo? Give me that pie. What did you say? I want that pie. Give me that pie. Okay. But remember, you ask,
[00:17:56] Unknown:
Schwartz.
