In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring the classic duo, Abbott and Costello, alongside guests Dagwood and Blondie. The episode is filled with humorous exchanges and a playful take on the story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Costello's antics and quick wit keep the laughs coming as he navigates through a series of comedic mishaps, including a mix-up with a waste paper drive and a missing radio script.
Listeners are treated to a delightful blend of slapstick humor and clever wordplay, as the characters engage in a series of misunderstandings and playful banter. The episode also features a humorous take on a community waste paper drive, with Costello's character humorously bungling his way through various tasks. The show concludes with a lighthearted nod to the audience, leaving listeners with a smile and a sense of nostalgia for classic radio comedy.
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Unknown:
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[00:00:28] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. VW. Avoid where prohibited by law. See terms and conditions 18 plus. Lucky Land Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line at the deli, I guess. In my dentist office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never win and tell. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com. Play for free right now. Are you feeling
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lucky?
[00:01:15] Unknown:
The Abbott and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette that's first in the service. Camel stay fresh, cool smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. Listen to the music of Freddie Rich and his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haines, the stars of the Monday night Blondie program, Penny Singleton and Arthur Lake, tonight's guests of Budd Abbott and Luke Costello.
[00:01:53] Unknown:
Oh, there you are, Costello. Why are you late this time? Where are you? Boy, Abbott. What time? I just got back from the naval base of San Diego, and I got a message of great importance for all the sailors, from all the sailors to every woman and girl in disorientation. Well, what is it? Yeah. Shut up, Costello. What were you doing down at the naval base? Oh, what was I doing? I was helping them launch a submarine, and they gave me the most important job on a boat. Really? What was it? Well, when the sailors got the submarine ready to dive, I ran forward and held its nose. Then then what happened? Then what happened? Down we went at it, 60 feet in the water. When we got down to the bottom, I hopped off and took a walk. You took a walk in, 60 foot of water? And why not? I had my rubbers on. You know, after all, we have to give those sailors no. Really. We have to give those sailors credit. They're wonderful. Oh, I like sailors too, Abbott. But I'm really in love with a marine. You're in love with a marine? Yeah. Marine O'Hara.
Look, talk sense, Costello. Between you and me, love is silly. Between you and me, love would be ridiculous. You don't even appeal, Todd. Never mind all of this. Listen. We've got important work to do. The government has started a national waste paper drive. And as mayor of Sherman Oaks, I mean to collect every scrap of paper in this town. Good. I gave all my paper at it. I even ripped the paper off walls. Then I repaper the walls with the rolls of music from the player piano. You covered the walls with the player piano rolls? That's what I did. That's fine. Good. Fine. Find nothing. Now every time I sneeze, the walls play mercy notes.
Listen. Will you get down to business, please? This campaign is important. I want you to do your part by going from door to door. Now can you do it? Oh, that used to be my racket. One time I went from door to door selling mosquitoes. Oh, that's idiotic. Who'd buy mosquitoes? Nobody. Then why did you sell them? No competition. Oh. Oh, here's Ken Niles. Well, hello, fellas. How's the waste paper drive coming along, Mayor Abbott? Just fine, Ken. Costello just promised to go all over town collecting scraps of paper from houses, scraps of paper from offices, scraps of paper from vacant lots. Well, you couldn't have picked a better man. He's scrap happy anyway.
[00:04:13] Unknown:
You see Honey, hello.
[00:04:15] Unknown:
You see what a sense of humor. I have Costello one, two, three and I jump all over you. Four, five, six and you get right off. No. Now let's not start an argument. Say, Ken, what did your wife say when I appointed her head of the, paper drive committee? Oh, she was very happy, bud. She says people will think she's the most fortunate girl. She'll be fortunate if people think she's a girl. Girl.
[00:04:38] Unknown:
Oh, I heard that remark, you overstuffed lowboy.
[00:04:42] Unknown:
I said it for you to hear. Skinny, ditty.
[00:04:47] Unknown:
And just a minute, missus Niles. I hate that. Oh, no. You look like two thirds of We the People.
[00:04:59] Unknown:
Costello, you should treat missus Niles with respect. She has character. Look how high she carries her head. She's had her face lifted so many times. It's a wonder she can stay on the ground.
[00:05:08] Unknown:
Oh, Costello, I never had my face lifted. Of course, I I have used face lift lotion.
[00:05:15] Unknown:
Oh, you have used face lift lotion? Yeah. Well, I once used that same lotion on the horse. Yeah. Did it did it lift the horse's face? I don't know. We can't get him down off the chandelier. Come in.
[00:05:31] Unknown:
Bonds and bombs will beat the axis, so be sure to pay pay your income taxes. Save your old tin cans, your iron and lead, and give it all your waste paper to Dagwood Bumstead.
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Costello.
[00:05:43] Unknown:
It's Dagwood. Where's Blondie, Dagwood? Oh, she's out in the car. Wait a minute. I'll call her.
[00:06:00] Unknown:
Oh. Oh. I'm coming down, but I oh oh, hello, mister Costello. Hello? Good day, your Abbot. Dad, would and I are helping missus Niles with the waste paper dry. Yeah. Oh, well, the first thing you ought to throw in this,
[00:06:13] Unknown:
I picked it up this afternoon at rehearsal. Who didn't I? One. Well, here we go again. Well, the first thing you wanna throw in is the paper that poem was written on. I got it. Hey, Dagwin. Do you make that form yourself or did someone a jerk help you? Oh, no. I made it up myself. You had nothing to do with it. Just a minute, Deadwood. Deadwood.
[00:06:40] Unknown:
Driftwood. No. No. No. No. My name's Dagwood.
[00:06:43] Unknown:
Have you been inspected for termites?
[00:06:48] Unknown:
Oh, now, mister Costello. Don't you and Dagwood have a fight when there are so many important things to be done? Yeah. And we want every bit of waste paper you've got in this house. Mhmm. Yeah. Some men I know are even giving up their college diploma. Have you got a college diploma? No. Have you got a high school diploma? Hey. Nay. Then, have you got a grammar school diploma?
[00:07:14] Unknown:
No. But you're getting one.
[00:07:20] Unknown:
Oh, never mind the diploma, Jagwin. Have you got the waste paper ready, Mayor Abbott? Yes, Blondie. It's all collected. Castello,
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carry that old sack out to the truck. Okay. Oh. You know, you always fool me, missus Dials. I mean, the way your phone just went over. Thanks for your help, everybody. Now, Dagwood, you gather up those loose papers and hurry. We've got lots of stuff to make. Yeah. Well, you're doing a wonderful job, Blondie. Okay. And you keep up the good work, Dagwood.
[00:07:50] Unknown:
Oh, don't worry, Mayor Abbott. Dagwood will work his head to the bone for you. Yeah. Yeah. Well, come on, Bagwood. Hurry up. Yeah. Well, I I I gotta get going. Now hold the door open for me, Blondie. All right. Stand up, mister Costello. He moves very fast.
[00:08:13] Unknown:
Costello, come here. Costello, are aren't they aren't they nice people? No. No. All kidding aside, Aren't they nice people? Costello, why don't you answer me? Where do I stop spinning? Well, come on, Costello. We've gotta get down to the studio for our broadcast. By the way, where is our script for tonight? I got it right here. And hey, Abbott. Abbott. What's the matter? The script is gone. Why? It was right here a minute ago. Hey. Do you suppose they took it with the waste paper? That's it, Abbott. They took it. We gotta catch that dogwood best bread or whatever the guy's name is.
Out of my way, Evan. I move very fast. Here I come. Costello, you're supposed to open the door. Now he tells me.
[00:09:15] Unknown:
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If your store is sold out, remember, camo cigarettes are worth asking for again. Camel cigarettes. Camel standard of cost near tobacco is the same for soldier, for civilian, anywhere in the world. And now back to Abbott and Costello who are still searching for their missing radio script.
[00:10:38] Unknown:
Come on, Costello. We've got to find our radio script. Abbott, are you sure this is Dagwood's home? Certainly. And are they classy? Look. Look. They've got their names painted in gold on the mailbox. That's not you should see my house. I got the Costello coat of arms painted on the front door. What's the Costello coat of arms? Two sheriffs jumping up and down on a second mortgage. I'll go ahead. Knock on the
[00:10:59] Unknown:
door. Oh, it's Blondie's little boy, Alexander. Hello, Alexander. Oh, how do you do, gentlemen? Come right in. Pull up a chair and sit down. Thank you,
[00:11:09] Unknown:
Alexander. We're Abbott and Costello.
[00:11:12] Unknown:
Oh, well, in that case, I better open a window.
[00:11:17] Unknown:
Oh, you're a cute kid. Ain't you, kid? I must invite you over to the house to play with some of all my older Mhmm. It has to come out one way or another. Must come over and play with my old razor blade. No. No. No. No. Stella, that's not nice. Look, Alexander. We're looking for your mother and father. They've got our radio script. Do you know where they are? I ain't saying yes, and I ain't saying no. Well, what are you saying? I ain't saying. He ain't saying. How old are you, Alexander? Nine. You're gonna reach 10 the hard way. Say, Pastello, look out the window. There's I don't know how that tank would does it. He gets through every time.
Hurry up, Costello. We've gotta get across the street while our flight attendants are. Okay. Wait for the city. Hey, you fat boy. Get back there on the curb. But officer, look. Don't butt me. What do you think that traffic lights are for? Well, the red light is the signal for the pedestrians to cross the street. Oh, the red light is, is it? Then tell me, what's the green light for? That's the signal for the automobiles to cross the pedestrians. Oh, a wise guy. Well, don't try to cross the street again until you get the green light and I blow me whistle twice, or I'll give you a ticket for jaywalking. Costello, will you please hurry over here?
[00:13:00] Unknown:
Now go ahead. Oh, so there you are, young man. Look, lady. Don't stop me now. I got the green light. I got the green light. You don't even know me.
[00:13:08] Unknown:
Yes. I do. You're mister Squawky from Milwaukee. Lady, look. I gotta get my radio strip across the street. Oh, of course. Mister Squawking had a mustache and was bald headed, but honestly, you could pass from brothers and you'd dress exactly alike. Only he was a street car conductor. I got the wrong street car conductor. Lady, you're off your trolley. Now will you let me get across the street? Hey, you. So you're crossing against the red light again? Again. I'd like to get over once. Hasta, will you hurry up over here? Alright. Now go ahead. Pardon me, young man, but I'm from the recruiting office. How would you like to join the navy? How would I like to join the navy? Yes. I'd like to join Abbott.
For the navy's a great place for you. Think of it. You can cross the ocean. Cross the ocean. I can't even get across the street. Fuck. I'll see you later. Hey, Evan. I'm coming. So it's you again. So it's you again. This is the third time you've crossed the street against the red light. Now come with me. I'm taking you to the police station. Where's the police station? Across the street. Good. I finally made it. Listen, all. Officer. We're rabbit and Costello. Our radio script is lost. We only have a few minutes to get on the air. Oh, so you're rabbit and Costello, I never miss your program. You don't? No. I don't hear it, so I don't miss it.
Now get along with you. Go peddle your corn. Yeah. But I'm gonna take a sock and Quiet. Look. There's Bonnie and Dagwood coming out of that building. Deep? Imposter? What's the trouble, Mary Abbott? Well, Blondie, when you took that waste paper basket out of here the house, you know, you must have taken our radio script too. We're due on the air any second. Maybe our papers are on that truck. Oh, no. That load was sent out on the train hours ago. Oh, see what you did, Dagwood? Now what are Rabbit and Costello going to do on the air tonight? Oh, gee, Blondie. Maybe I can help them out.
[00:15:25] Unknown:
My whole family was good at making jokes. They certainly did alright with you.
[00:15:33] Unknown:
Oh, it's just an invoice. I've got a great idea. I've got something here in my purse. It's a school play that little Alexander wrote. You can do it on the air. I'm sure Alexander would give you the right. I'd like to give Alexander the right
[00:15:46] Unknown:
and a couple of good laughs. Alright.
[00:15:49] Unknown:
Wait a minute, Costello. This might be just what we need. Oh, sure. It's a dandy play. All about Snow White and, the seven dwarfs. And I know just the part I'm gonna play. Yeah. So do I. Come on, dopey. Time. Take your time. Blow if you'll flee. It's a moment
[00:16:56] Unknown:
in
[00:17:19] Unknown:
that.
[00:18:34] Unknown:
Well, come on, Costello. Let's get in the studio. We'll do her on the air in a few seconds. Where's Dagwood and Blondie? Oh, here we are, mister Abbott, and I have the strips of Snow White right with me. Now if you all gather around, I'll assign each one his part. First, I will play the part of the princess Snow White. Oh, goody goody. And I will be the handsome
[00:18:53] Unknown:
prince. Now wait a minute. Talk wood. I play the leading parts around here. I'm a real actor. I was born in a theater, and it cost my father 25¢ extra. You were born you were born in theater, and it cost your father 25¢ extra for what? The stork dropped me on a load sheet.
[00:19:14] Unknown:
The stork that brought you should have been arrested for smuggling dope. Hey. That's a good one, missus Niles. Yeah. Yeah. Dagwood.
[00:19:25] Unknown:
Dagwood, you keep out of this. I think mister Costello is right, missus Niles. This is his program, and he should have the leading part. Oh, what does Costello know about acting? Now me,
[00:19:37] Unknown:
I am part of the theater.
[00:19:40] Unknown:
Your lower lip looks like the second balcony. Oh. Costello? Yeah.
[00:19:47] Unknown:
Costello, you know that missus Niles Niles was a dramatic actress? That's right, miss Ravett. I why it's been only five years since I left the New York stage to poke my nose into Hollywood. You didn't have to leave New York for that.
[00:20:03] Unknown:
Costello, please. Will you cut that out and let Blondie assign the plots for the play? Yeah. Now now, Blondie, please give me a good part. With Abbott and Costello's audience, I'll be able to reach 3,000,000 people. It's a good thing they can't reach you.
[00:20:18] Unknown:
Oh, don't mind dang with mister Costello. He's always wanted an acting career. Yeah. That's right, fellas.
[00:20:25] Unknown:
Every time I get near you real acted, I get the smell of the grease paint in me nostrils.
[00:20:32] Unknown:
The smell of the what in your who?
[00:20:35] Unknown:
Oh oh, the smell of the grease paint in me nostrils.
[00:20:39] Unknown:
Dagwood. The word is nostrils, not nostrils. But what's the difference? Nostrils, nostrils, it's got the smell.
[00:20:48] Unknown:
Dagwood just doesn't know what to do about it. The smell? Not my career. Dagwood. Uh-huh. Oh, why don't you recite one of your poems for mister Costello? You know, like you do on our Monday night show. He might like to hear it. You want a fit? No.
[00:21:04] Unknown:
Come on, Costello. Give him a chance. Go ahead, Dagwood. Go ahead, Well, thank you, mister Abbott. You're a kind man. You remind me of my father. But, Dagwood, would mister Abbott only has one hand. Yes.
[00:21:20] Unknown:
What am I laughing at? Why don't I think of a joke like that? Go ahead, dad. Would recite your phone. Yeah. Go ahead.
[00:21:27] Unknown:
Very well. Now, this is called, the raven, the raven. As I sat rocking, gently rocking, rocking on my chamber floor came a knocking, gently knocking, knocking at my chamber door. Close the raven, nevermore.
[00:21:45] Unknown:
Say, how'd you like that? Don't look now, but the raven just later ate.
[00:21:52] Unknown:
Costello, let's go on with the play. Ken Niles, will you set the scene? Okay, bud. Ladies and gentlemen, we now present the waste paper player starring Abbott and Costello and Dagwood and Blondie. We present tonight an episode from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs entitled the Seven Dwarfs sat on the wagon or the Surrey with the shrimps on top. As the scene opens, the princess is calling to her prince.
[00:22:18] Unknown:
Oh, prince. Oh, prince. You're prince. Come, prince. You're prince. Come down. Come here, prince. Here I am, princess.
[00:22:27] Unknown:
I have come to save you from your cruel stepmother. I have just arrived by Greyhound.
[00:22:34] Unknown:
What's that?
[00:22:35] Unknown:
Oh, my dogs are tired. My lovely princess, let me smother you with kisses.
[00:22:43] Unknown:
Oh, oh, prince. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. What's going on here? He's kissing you. Oh, Dagwood. This is just a play.
[00:22:51] Unknown:
Yeah. But he isn't playing.
[00:22:54] Unknown:
Dagwood, you're not supposed to talk now. You represent the forest. You play the part of a tree. What part? The set. Hey. Now wait a minute. Park or you're a tree. Now never mind. And I quit. Alright. Never mind. Here. Just a minute. Now, Castella, please. Never mind that, Costello. Go on with the play. Come on. Go on with the play, Lou. Okay. Now we go on with the play. Now, let me see. All my lovely pictures, please let me smother you with kisses. Yeah. Wait wait a minute. You you just did that kissing scene, mister Costello. Listen, isn't that Deadwood a little too young for you, Blondie?
[00:23:31] Unknown:
Deadwood, in this play, mister Costello is my brave old knight.
[00:23:37] Unknown:
I thought knights were big tall fellas.
[00:23:40] Unknown:
This is spring, and the nights are getting shorter. Pastello, will you please read your next line? Okay. My fair princess, what brings these tears to your lovely eyes?
[00:23:59] Unknown:
My dead mother is so cruel to me. She makes me do all the drudgery all day long. It's wash and scrubbing wash and scrub. And at night, she makes me sleep in the broom closet.
[00:24:09] Unknown:
What do you hear from the mop?
[00:24:16] Unknown:
Oh. Oh, woe with me. All I do is work, work, work. I work my fingers to the bone, and what have I got to show for it? Bony fingers.
[00:24:27] Unknown:
Park, park, princess, look, the queen. Your wicked stepmother approaches. But how did she get across the most? She must have caught the guard with his bridges down. Here comes the queen now. The queen? She looks more like the three of clubs.
[00:24:48] Unknown:
Glory, my little princess. I have brought you a nice, big apple. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Blondie, don't eat that apple. It's poisoned. How do you know? I'm reading on the next page.
[00:25:02] Unknown:
Just know. Don't let the princess eat the apple. You must save her. Here, Snow White. Give me that apple. I'll make the ugly queen eat it herself. Open your mouth, queen. Oh, you silly baboon. This is me over here. You're feeding the apple to my heart. The chief fooled me.
[00:25:20] Unknown:
Oh, my brave prince. You have saved me from the poison apple. How can I ever repay you? Come into my arms and let me smother you with kisses.
[00:25:29] Unknown:
Wait a minute. There's too much kissing going on here. Hey, Sandy.
[00:25:35] Unknown:
Hey. I don't like I'm so, brother.
[00:25:42] Unknown:
Sandy, I don't like this pledge. Come on. I do. Yeah. Don't go on home, dad. But I'll see you next Monday night. Hey. Hey. Hey.
[00:25:52] Unknown:
Hey. Come on. Let's go home, Blondie. I'm getting hungry. Oh, what a spot for the poison apple. Here's that wood. Open your mouth and and I'll toss you the apple. Oh, boy. Brother, he was really hungry. Only three seeds hit the ground. Costello, will you stick to the play? Pardon me, everybody. Pardon me. I'm the NBC usher in this studio. Hold the door open, Costello. Stand back, everybody. They move very fast. Costello, what was that? What do you think it was? The audience. Oh, get out of here.
[00:26:32] Unknown:
Evan and Castello will be back in just a moment.
[00:26:39] Unknown:
Thanks to the Yanks of the week. Tonight, we salute second lieutenant Paul M. Koerner of Pontiac, Illinois who led 22 Americans in four of our tanks against a German held town on the casino front. After smashing a German self propelled gun on a tank, lieutenant Koerner and his men attacked fortified houses taking 30 prisoners. Then sending some men back with the prisoners, the young lieutenant and 10 other men using tanks and bazookas took the town capturing about 50 more German prisoners including a a whole battalion staff. In honor of you and your men Lieutenant Paul M. Coerneur, the makers of camels are sending to our soldiers overseas 300,000 camel cigarettes.
[00:27:27] Unknown:
Each of the four camel radio shows honors the yank of the week, sends 300,000 camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million camels set free each week. In this country, the yanks with free shows and free camels. Camel broadcast go out to The United States Four times a week. A short wave to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Gary Moore and Jimmy Durante, Yanks. Monday to Blondie and next Thursday to Abbott and Costello with our guests, Alan Hale and Sally Ihnert. Now here's Abbott and Costello with the final word.
[00:28:13] Unknown:
Thanks, Ken. Well, Blondie and Dagwood, thanks very much for being with us tonight. Hey, Dagwood. I listen to your program every Monday night, and I'd like to know how you get through those doors without crashing. Oh, there's nothing to it, mister Costello. Dagwood, take his hand and show him. Okay. Here we go. Hold the door open, Blondie. Okay. We're moving fast. Gee. They made it. I don't see them. Dagwood. Costello, where are you?
[00:28:42] Unknown:
We're down here.
[00:28:44] Unknown:
Who left to cover off this manhole? Good night, folks.
[00:29:02] Unknown:
How many you smoke, get Campbell's for more fleet. This is Ken Niles wishing
Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now, the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chumba Casino. Casino. They have hundreds of social casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:28] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. VW. Avoid where prohibited by law. See terms and conditions 18 plus. Lucky Land Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line at the deli, I guess. In my dentist office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never win and tell. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com. Play for free right now. Are you feeling
[00:01:05] Unknown:
lucky?
[00:01:15] Unknown:
The Abbott and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette that's first in the service. Camel stay fresh, cool smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. Listen to the music of Freddie Rich and his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haines, the stars of the Monday night Blondie program, Penny Singleton and Arthur Lake, tonight's guests of Budd Abbott and Luke Costello.
[00:01:53] Unknown:
Oh, there you are, Costello. Why are you late this time? Where are you? Boy, Abbott. What time? I just got back from the naval base of San Diego, and I got a message of great importance for all the sailors, from all the sailors to every woman and girl in disorientation. Well, what is it? Yeah. Shut up, Costello. What were you doing down at the naval base? Oh, what was I doing? I was helping them launch a submarine, and they gave me the most important job on a boat. Really? What was it? Well, when the sailors got the submarine ready to dive, I ran forward and held its nose. Then then what happened? Then what happened? Down we went at it, 60 feet in the water. When we got down to the bottom, I hopped off and took a walk. You took a walk in, 60 foot of water? And why not? I had my rubbers on. You know, after all, we have to give those sailors no. Really. We have to give those sailors credit. They're wonderful. Oh, I like sailors too, Abbott. But I'm really in love with a marine. You're in love with a marine? Yeah. Marine O'Hara.
Look, talk sense, Costello. Between you and me, love is silly. Between you and me, love would be ridiculous. You don't even appeal, Todd. Never mind all of this. Listen. We've got important work to do. The government has started a national waste paper drive. And as mayor of Sherman Oaks, I mean to collect every scrap of paper in this town. Good. I gave all my paper at it. I even ripped the paper off walls. Then I repaper the walls with the rolls of music from the player piano. You covered the walls with the player piano rolls? That's what I did. That's fine. Good. Fine. Find nothing. Now every time I sneeze, the walls play mercy notes.
Listen. Will you get down to business, please? This campaign is important. I want you to do your part by going from door to door. Now can you do it? Oh, that used to be my racket. One time I went from door to door selling mosquitoes. Oh, that's idiotic. Who'd buy mosquitoes? Nobody. Then why did you sell them? No competition. Oh. Oh, here's Ken Niles. Well, hello, fellas. How's the waste paper drive coming along, Mayor Abbott? Just fine, Ken. Costello just promised to go all over town collecting scraps of paper from houses, scraps of paper from offices, scraps of paper from vacant lots. Well, you couldn't have picked a better man. He's scrap happy anyway.
[00:04:13] Unknown:
You see Honey, hello.
[00:04:15] Unknown:
You see what a sense of humor. I have Costello one, two, three and I jump all over you. Four, five, six and you get right off. No. Now let's not start an argument. Say, Ken, what did your wife say when I appointed her head of the, paper drive committee? Oh, she was very happy, bud. She says people will think she's the most fortunate girl. She'll be fortunate if people think she's a girl. Girl.
[00:04:38] Unknown:
Oh, I heard that remark, you overstuffed lowboy.
[00:04:42] Unknown:
I said it for you to hear. Skinny, ditty.
[00:04:47] Unknown:
And just a minute, missus Niles. I hate that. Oh, no. You look like two thirds of We the People.
[00:04:59] Unknown:
Costello, you should treat missus Niles with respect. She has character. Look how high she carries her head. She's had her face lifted so many times. It's a wonder she can stay on the ground.
[00:05:08] Unknown:
Oh, Costello, I never had my face lifted. Of course, I I have used face lift lotion.
[00:05:15] Unknown:
Oh, you have used face lift lotion? Yeah. Well, I once used that same lotion on the horse. Yeah. Did it did it lift the horse's face? I don't know. We can't get him down off the chandelier. Come in.
[00:05:31] Unknown:
Bonds and bombs will beat the axis, so be sure to pay pay your income taxes. Save your old tin cans, your iron and lead, and give it all your waste paper to Dagwood Bumstead.
[00:05:42] Unknown:
Costello.
[00:05:43] Unknown:
It's Dagwood. Where's Blondie, Dagwood? Oh, she's out in the car. Wait a minute. I'll call her.
[00:06:00] Unknown:
Oh. Oh. I'm coming down, but I oh oh, hello, mister Costello. Hello? Good day, your Abbot. Dad, would and I are helping missus Niles with the waste paper dry. Yeah. Oh, well, the first thing you ought to throw in this,
[00:06:13] Unknown:
I picked it up this afternoon at rehearsal. Who didn't I? One. Well, here we go again. Well, the first thing you wanna throw in is the paper that poem was written on. I got it. Hey, Dagwin. Do you make that form yourself or did someone a jerk help you? Oh, no. I made it up myself. You had nothing to do with it. Just a minute, Deadwood. Deadwood.
[00:06:40] Unknown:
Driftwood. No. No. No. No. My name's Dagwood.
[00:06:43] Unknown:
Have you been inspected for termites?
[00:06:48] Unknown:
Oh, now, mister Costello. Don't you and Dagwood have a fight when there are so many important things to be done? Yeah. And we want every bit of waste paper you've got in this house. Mhmm. Yeah. Some men I know are even giving up their college diploma. Have you got a college diploma? No. Have you got a high school diploma? Hey. Nay. Then, have you got a grammar school diploma?
[00:07:14] Unknown:
No. But you're getting one.
[00:07:20] Unknown:
Oh, never mind the diploma, Jagwin. Have you got the waste paper ready, Mayor Abbott? Yes, Blondie. It's all collected. Castello,
[00:07:27] Unknown:
carry that old sack out to the truck. Okay. Oh. You know, you always fool me, missus Dials. I mean, the way your phone just went over. Thanks for your help, everybody. Now, Dagwood, you gather up those loose papers and hurry. We've got lots of stuff to make. Yeah. Well, you're doing a wonderful job, Blondie. Okay. And you keep up the good work, Dagwood.
[00:07:50] Unknown:
Oh, don't worry, Mayor Abbott. Dagwood will work his head to the bone for you. Yeah. Yeah. Well, come on, Bagwood. Hurry up. Yeah. Well, I I I gotta get going. Now hold the door open for me, Blondie. All right. Stand up, mister Costello. He moves very fast.
[00:08:13] Unknown:
Costello, come here. Costello, are aren't they aren't they nice people? No. No. All kidding aside, Aren't they nice people? Costello, why don't you answer me? Where do I stop spinning? Well, come on, Costello. We've gotta get down to the studio for our broadcast. By the way, where is our script for tonight? I got it right here. And hey, Abbott. Abbott. What's the matter? The script is gone. Why? It was right here a minute ago. Hey. Do you suppose they took it with the waste paper? That's it, Abbott. They took it. We gotta catch that dogwood best bread or whatever the guy's name is.
Out of my way, Evan. I move very fast. Here I come. Costello, you're supposed to open the door. Now he tells me.
[00:09:15] Unknown:
West Of The Ivory Coast and the Gold Coast is the independent African nation of Liberia, now host to United States Army and and navy men. To Americans stationed in Liberia, to United States bases and outposts throughout the world, go Camel cigarettes. Buy the million, buy the ton, for camels are first cigarettes go to West Africa or to you, they stay fresh, cool smoking and slow burning because camels are packed to go around the world. Yes, Yes, you can be sure Camel cigarettes are fresh. Sure too that they have more flavor. The result of expert blending of costlier tobaccos. Freshness and more flavor are two reasons why more people want today, both at home and overseas.
If your store is sold out, remember, camo cigarettes are worth asking for again. Camel cigarettes. Camel standard of cost near tobacco is the same for soldier, for civilian, anywhere in the world. And now back to Abbott and Costello who are still searching for their missing radio script.
[00:10:38] Unknown:
Come on, Costello. We've got to find our radio script. Abbott, are you sure this is Dagwood's home? Certainly. And are they classy? Look. Look. They've got their names painted in gold on the mailbox. That's not you should see my house. I got the Costello coat of arms painted on the front door. What's the Costello coat of arms? Two sheriffs jumping up and down on a second mortgage. I'll go ahead. Knock on the
[00:10:59] Unknown:
door. Oh, it's Blondie's little boy, Alexander. Hello, Alexander. Oh, how do you do, gentlemen? Come right in. Pull up a chair and sit down. Thank you,
[00:11:09] Unknown:
Alexander. We're Abbott and Costello.
[00:11:12] Unknown:
Oh, well, in that case, I better open a window.
[00:11:17] Unknown:
Oh, you're a cute kid. Ain't you, kid? I must invite you over to the house to play with some of all my older Mhmm. It has to come out one way or another. Must come over and play with my old razor blade. No. No. No. No. Stella, that's not nice. Look, Alexander. We're looking for your mother and father. They've got our radio script. Do you know where they are? I ain't saying yes, and I ain't saying no. Well, what are you saying? I ain't saying. He ain't saying. How old are you, Alexander? Nine. You're gonna reach 10 the hard way. Say, Pastello, look out the window. There's I don't know how that tank would does it. He gets through every time.
Hurry up, Costello. We've gotta get across the street while our flight attendants are. Okay. Wait for the city. Hey, you fat boy. Get back there on the curb. But officer, look. Don't butt me. What do you think that traffic lights are for? Well, the red light is the signal for the pedestrians to cross the street. Oh, the red light is, is it? Then tell me, what's the green light for? That's the signal for the automobiles to cross the pedestrians. Oh, a wise guy. Well, don't try to cross the street again until you get the green light and I blow me whistle twice, or I'll give you a ticket for jaywalking. Costello, will you please hurry over here?
[00:13:00] Unknown:
Now go ahead. Oh, so there you are, young man. Look, lady. Don't stop me now. I got the green light. I got the green light. You don't even know me.
[00:13:08] Unknown:
Yes. I do. You're mister Squawky from Milwaukee. Lady, look. I gotta get my radio strip across the street. Oh, of course. Mister Squawking had a mustache and was bald headed, but honestly, you could pass from brothers and you'd dress exactly alike. Only he was a street car conductor. I got the wrong street car conductor. Lady, you're off your trolley. Now will you let me get across the street? Hey, you. So you're crossing against the red light again? Again. I'd like to get over once. Hasta, will you hurry up over here? Alright. Now go ahead. Pardon me, young man, but I'm from the recruiting office. How would you like to join the navy? How would I like to join the navy? Yes. I'd like to join Abbott.
For the navy's a great place for you. Think of it. You can cross the ocean. Cross the ocean. I can't even get across the street. Fuck. I'll see you later. Hey, Evan. I'm coming. So it's you again. So it's you again. This is the third time you've crossed the street against the red light. Now come with me. I'm taking you to the police station. Where's the police station? Across the street. Good. I finally made it. Listen, all. Officer. We're rabbit and Costello. Our radio script is lost. We only have a few minutes to get on the air. Oh, so you're rabbit and Costello, I never miss your program. You don't? No. I don't hear it, so I don't miss it.
Now get along with you. Go peddle your corn. Yeah. But I'm gonna take a sock and Quiet. Look. There's Bonnie and Dagwood coming out of that building. Deep? Imposter? What's the trouble, Mary Abbott? Well, Blondie, when you took that waste paper basket out of here the house, you know, you must have taken our radio script too. We're due on the air any second. Maybe our papers are on that truck. Oh, no. That load was sent out on the train hours ago. Oh, see what you did, Dagwood? Now what are Rabbit and Costello going to do on the air tonight? Oh, gee, Blondie. Maybe I can help them out.
[00:15:25] Unknown:
My whole family was good at making jokes. They certainly did alright with you.
[00:15:33] Unknown:
Oh, it's just an invoice. I've got a great idea. I've got something here in my purse. It's a school play that little Alexander wrote. You can do it on the air. I'm sure Alexander would give you the right. I'd like to give Alexander the right
[00:15:46] Unknown:
and a couple of good laughs. Alright.
[00:15:49] Unknown:
Wait a minute, Costello. This might be just what we need. Oh, sure. It's a dandy play. All about Snow White and, the seven dwarfs. And I know just the part I'm gonna play. Yeah. So do I. Come on, dopey. Time. Take your time. Blow if you'll flee. It's a moment
[00:16:56] Unknown:
in
[00:17:19] Unknown:
that.
[00:18:34] Unknown:
Well, come on, Costello. Let's get in the studio. We'll do her on the air in a few seconds. Where's Dagwood and Blondie? Oh, here we are, mister Abbott, and I have the strips of Snow White right with me. Now if you all gather around, I'll assign each one his part. First, I will play the part of the princess Snow White. Oh, goody goody. And I will be the handsome
[00:18:53] Unknown:
prince. Now wait a minute. Talk wood. I play the leading parts around here. I'm a real actor. I was born in a theater, and it cost my father 25¢ extra. You were born you were born in theater, and it cost your father 25¢ extra for what? The stork dropped me on a load sheet.
[00:19:14] Unknown:
The stork that brought you should have been arrested for smuggling dope. Hey. That's a good one, missus Niles. Yeah. Yeah. Dagwood.
[00:19:25] Unknown:
Dagwood, you keep out of this. I think mister Costello is right, missus Niles. This is his program, and he should have the leading part. Oh, what does Costello know about acting? Now me,
[00:19:37] Unknown:
I am part of the theater.
[00:19:40] Unknown:
Your lower lip looks like the second balcony. Oh. Costello? Yeah.
[00:19:47] Unknown:
Costello, you know that missus Niles Niles was a dramatic actress? That's right, miss Ravett. I why it's been only five years since I left the New York stage to poke my nose into Hollywood. You didn't have to leave New York for that.
[00:20:03] Unknown:
Costello, please. Will you cut that out and let Blondie assign the plots for the play? Yeah. Now now, Blondie, please give me a good part. With Abbott and Costello's audience, I'll be able to reach 3,000,000 people. It's a good thing they can't reach you.
[00:20:18] Unknown:
Oh, don't mind dang with mister Costello. He's always wanted an acting career. Yeah. That's right, fellas.
[00:20:25] Unknown:
Every time I get near you real acted, I get the smell of the grease paint in me nostrils.
[00:20:32] Unknown:
The smell of the what in your who?
[00:20:35] Unknown:
Oh oh, the smell of the grease paint in me nostrils.
[00:20:39] Unknown:
Dagwood. The word is nostrils, not nostrils. But what's the difference? Nostrils, nostrils, it's got the smell.
[00:20:48] Unknown:
Dagwood just doesn't know what to do about it. The smell? Not my career. Dagwood. Uh-huh. Oh, why don't you recite one of your poems for mister Costello? You know, like you do on our Monday night show. He might like to hear it. You want a fit? No.
[00:21:04] Unknown:
Come on, Costello. Give him a chance. Go ahead, Dagwood. Go ahead, Well, thank you, mister Abbott. You're a kind man. You remind me of my father. But, Dagwood, would mister Abbott only has one hand. Yes.
[00:21:20] Unknown:
What am I laughing at? Why don't I think of a joke like that? Go ahead, dad. Would recite your phone. Yeah. Go ahead.
[00:21:27] Unknown:
Very well. Now, this is called, the raven, the raven. As I sat rocking, gently rocking, rocking on my chamber floor came a knocking, gently knocking, knocking at my chamber door. Close the raven, nevermore.
[00:21:45] Unknown:
Say, how'd you like that? Don't look now, but the raven just later ate.
[00:21:52] Unknown:
Costello, let's go on with the play. Ken Niles, will you set the scene? Okay, bud. Ladies and gentlemen, we now present the waste paper player starring Abbott and Costello and Dagwood and Blondie. We present tonight an episode from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs entitled the Seven Dwarfs sat on the wagon or the Surrey with the shrimps on top. As the scene opens, the princess is calling to her prince.
[00:22:18] Unknown:
Oh, prince. Oh, prince. You're prince. Come, prince. You're prince. Come down. Come here, prince. Here I am, princess.
[00:22:27] Unknown:
I have come to save you from your cruel stepmother. I have just arrived by Greyhound.
[00:22:34] Unknown:
What's that?
[00:22:35] Unknown:
Oh, my dogs are tired. My lovely princess, let me smother you with kisses.
[00:22:43] Unknown:
Oh, oh, prince. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. What's going on here? He's kissing you. Oh, Dagwood. This is just a play.
[00:22:51] Unknown:
Yeah. But he isn't playing.
[00:22:54] Unknown:
Dagwood, you're not supposed to talk now. You represent the forest. You play the part of a tree. What part? The set. Hey. Now wait a minute. Park or you're a tree. Now never mind. And I quit. Alright. Never mind. Here. Just a minute. Now, Castella, please. Never mind that, Costello. Go on with the play. Come on. Go on with the play, Lou. Okay. Now we go on with the play. Now, let me see. All my lovely pictures, please let me smother you with kisses. Yeah. Wait wait a minute. You you just did that kissing scene, mister Costello. Listen, isn't that Deadwood a little too young for you, Blondie?
[00:23:31] Unknown:
Deadwood, in this play, mister Costello is my brave old knight.
[00:23:37] Unknown:
I thought knights were big tall fellas.
[00:23:40] Unknown:
This is spring, and the nights are getting shorter. Pastello, will you please read your next line? Okay. My fair princess, what brings these tears to your lovely eyes?
[00:23:59] Unknown:
My dead mother is so cruel to me. She makes me do all the drudgery all day long. It's wash and scrubbing wash and scrub. And at night, she makes me sleep in the broom closet.
[00:24:09] Unknown:
What do you hear from the mop?
[00:24:16] Unknown:
Oh. Oh, woe with me. All I do is work, work, work. I work my fingers to the bone, and what have I got to show for it? Bony fingers.
[00:24:27] Unknown:
Park, park, princess, look, the queen. Your wicked stepmother approaches. But how did she get across the most? She must have caught the guard with his bridges down. Here comes the queen now. The queen? She looks more like the three of clubs.
[00:24:48] Unknown:
Glory, my little princess. I have brought you a nice, big apple. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Blondie, don't eat that apple. It's poisoned. How do you know? I'm reading on the next page.
[00:25:02] Unknown:
Just know. Don't let the princess eat the apple. You must save her. Here, Snow White. Give me that apple. I'll make the ugly queen eat it herself. Open your mouth, queen. Oh, you silly baboon. This is me over here. You're feeding the apple to my heart. The chief fooled me.
[00:25:20] Unknown:
Oh, my brave prince. You have saved me from the poison apple. How can I ever repay you? Come into my arms and let me smother you with kisses.
[00:25:29] Unknown:
Wait a minute. There's too much kissing going on here. Hey, Sandy.
[00:25:35] Unknown:
Hey. I don't like I'm so, brother.
[00:25:42] Unknown:
Sandy, I don't like this pledge. Come on. I do. Yeah. Don't go on home, dad. But I'll see you next Monday night. Hey. Hey. Hey.
[00:25:52] Unknown:
Hey. Come on. Let's go home, Blondie. I'm getting hungry. Oh, what a spot for the poison apple. Here's that wood. Open your mouth and and I'll toss you the apple. Oh, boy. Brother, he was really hungry. Only three seeds hit the ground. Costello, will you stick to the play? Pardon me, everybody. Pardon me. I'm the NBC usher in this studio. Hold the door open, Costello. Stand back, everybody. They move very fast. Costello, what was that? What do you think it was? The audience. Oh, get out of here.
[00:26:32] Unknown:
Evan and Castello will be back in just a moment.
[00:26:39] Unknown:
Thanks to the Yanks of the week. Tonight, we salute second lieutenant Paul M. Koerner of Pontiac, Illinois who led 22 Americans in four of our tanks against a German held town on the casino front. After smashing a German self propelled gun on a tank, lieutenant Koerner and his men attacked fortified houses taking 30 prisoners. Then sending some men back with the prisoners, the young lieutenant and 10 other men using tanks and bazookas took the town capturing about 50 more German prisoners including a a whole battalion staff. In honor of you and your men Lieutenant Paul M. Coerneur, the makers of camels are sending to our soldiers overseas 300,000 camel cigarettes.
[00:27:27] Unknown:
Each of the four camel radio shows honors the yank of the week, sends 300,000 camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million camels set free each week. In this country, the yanks with free shows and free camels. Camel broadcast go out to The United States Four times a week. A short wave to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Gary Moore and Jimmy Durante, Yanks. Monday to Blondie and next Thursday to Abbott and Costello with our guests, Alan Hale and Sally Ihnert. Now here's Abbott and Costello with the final word.
[00:28:13] Unknown:
Thanks, Ken. Well, Blondie and Dagwood, thanks very much for being with us tonight. Hey, Dagwood. I listen to your program every Monday night, and I'd like to know how you get through those doors without crashing. Oh, there's nothing to it, mister Costello. Dagwood, take his hand and show him. Okay. Here we go. Hold the door open, Blondie. Okay. We're moving fast. Gee. They made it. I don't see them. Dagwood. Costello, where are you?
[00:28:42] Unknown:
We're down here.
[00:28:44] Unknown:
Who left to cover off this manhole? Good night, folks.
[00:29:02] Unknown:
How many you smoke, get Campbell's for more fleet. This is Ken Niles wishing
