In this lively episode, we dive into the world of comedy with the classic antics of Abbott and Costello. The duo brings their signature humor to the forefront with a series of sketches that include everything from a humorous take on real estate to the absurdities of everyday life. Costello's inventive mind leads to hilarious inventions, while Abbott's straight-man act keeps the laughs rolling. The episode is filled with quick wit, slapstick humor, and the timeless charm that has made Abbott and Costello household names.
We also explore the adventures of Sam Shovel, Costello's detective alter ego, in a parody of classic detective stories. The sketches are peppered with puns, wordplay, and the kind of comedic timing that only Abbott and Costello can deliver. Whether it's a case of mistaken identity or a playful jab at societal norms, this episode is a delightful throwback to the golden age of radio comedy, ensuring listeners are entertained from start to finish.
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Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
[00:00:00]
Unknown:
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[00:00:26] Unknown:
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[00:00:59] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. DGW. Hey, Abbott. What time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show. We're on the air here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show.
[00:01:23] Unknown:
Yes. It's the Abbott and Costello Show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure. Chuckles with a carload and music by Maddie Maldeck. So hold on to your chairs, folks, where here they are, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
[00:01:51] Unknown:
Yeah, please. Alright. Alright. Stop that racket. Where have you been? Stop the racket. Where have have I been? Yeah. Uncle Mike just bought a new house. I went out to see it. How far is it from here? Fifteen minutes by automobile and five minutes if you walk. Wait a minute. How could it be how could it be faster if you walk? When you're walking, you pass a skunk farm. Must be a lovely place. Wait. Wait up. If you if you wanna go into the kitchen, you go through the dining room through the maid's room. If you wanna go to the master bedroom, you go through the living room through the maid's room. And if you wanna go to the patio, you go through the den, then through the maid's room. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why do you keep going through the maids' room?
[00:02:28] Unknown:
Silly boy.
[00:02:32] Unknown:
Will you please talk, Saze? Tell me more about Uncle Mike's place. Oh, I'll let well, he ran out of water. It's out of the swimming pool, and he filled it with peroxide. He filled the pool with peroxide? Yeah. What water? He's nuts about blood. By the way, how's aunt and me, getting along with uncle Mike? Just fine. You know, Mike is expecting a blessed event at their house next Tuesday. Well, wait a minute. They've been married for thirty five years, and they're expecting a blessed event. Mike's mother-in-law is leaving for Patterson.
[00:03:12] Unknown:
Well, there's a sample of a high grade nonsense you'll be hearing for the next half hour. But before we get back to it, listen to this.
[00:04:30] Unknown:
Come over here, Costello. Just look at you. You've got big circles under your eyes, and you look terrible, Lou. I can't help but have it. I've been up all night working on my invention. I just finished my latest invention. It's a cellophane mattress for old maids. Oh, now wait a minute. Yeah. But what good would a cellophane mattress be to an old me, Lou? Well, she could look under the bed to see if there's a guy under there without getting up. Never know. You and your inventions, you're you're wasting your time. I think I you got something there. But, really, I'm not. Get a load of this this invention. My sister and I, we're working on it now. We're crossing a roll of pink ribbon with a rubber plant. What for? So we can raise ladies' gutters. When I look at you, Castell, I wonder how you ever became such an enormous idiot. Well, that's easy. I could teach you no time. Right.
You dope your entire family, you stupid. None of them knows anything. Now wait a minute. Oh, I said Just a minute. How can you say that? How can you say that? My aunt may have considered her an expert authority on insects. Then authority on insects? Mhmm. Did she study insects in college? She didn't have to go to college. She studied at home. Wait a minute. Now how did she study insects at home? Her first three husbands were barflies. Are you still living with your aunt May and uncle Mike? No. I decided I want a nice place to stay, so I reserved the room at the YWCA. You idiot. The YWCA is full of girl. Isn't that a nice place to stay?
So, you like girls, I gather? I like girls anybody gathers. You idiot. All you think of is girl. Am I tempted by girls? No. When a girl fights with me, do I flirt back? No. Alright. Well, I could go out with a different girl every night, but I do I do it? No. Look, Abbot. All the little kitties are asleep now. Let's tell them the right answers.
[00:06:39] Unknown:
Help. Help. Please. Somebody help me. Somebody's gotta help me.
[00:06:44] Unknown:
Who was that? I don't know, but he came in twice.
[00:06:56] Unknown:
Well, who was it, Lou? You know? Yeah. That was little Johnny from the Philip Marshall. He finally found a store window he couldn't step out of. I can't tell me what you be careful what you say about that little Johnny. You know, I've heard he's a pretty tough kid. I ain't afraid of him. I could fight that little Johnny with one hand tied behind his back. You mean one hand tied behind your back? Who's fixing this fight? You or me? If you're so tough, Costello, why don't you enter the heavyweight division? You know, Joe Louis has retired and they're looking for a new champion. There's only one reason why I don't become heavyweight champion, Abbott. I'm so tough and ferocious. I can't control myself. The minute I get in the ring, I see blood. It's terrible. What's terrible about it? It's my blood.
You wouldn't find your way out of a paper bag. Is that so? You're talking to a man who can lick anybody. Why, I take that Joe Louis apart and see what makes him tick. I take Joe Volcar apart and see what makes him tick. I take Lisa Boldt apart and see what makes him tick. I take Gus Lessonovich apart and and any champion. Name any champion and I'll take him apart. Alright. I'll give you an easy one. How about the, swimming champion, Esther Williams? Could you take her apart? Anything put together that good don't need tinkering with. Castello, you're a moronic, silly nincompoop. Thank you, Abbott. And remember, I'm not one of those phony jerks. I'm the real thing.
Castello, you're hopeless. No wonder you have no friends. Why even Susan Miller won't talk to you anymore? And do you know why? Why? Because you don't know how to treat a girl. Then why are certain types of women crazy about me? What kind of women are crazy about women. Let's say we're in the, Palladium Dance Hall. Now I am a girl. Now you walk up to me and you ask me for a dance. What's your name? Oh, what's the difference? What difference is that? You don't expect me to dance with a girl I don't know now? Listen. Alright. My name is Louise. Is that alright? How come you picked Louise? What's the difference? Any girl's name. Louise. Now go ahead and ask me to dance. Louise? Would you like to sit this out?
Sit it out. Why don't you ask me to dance? You don't think I'm gonna get out there on a floor in front of all those people with an ugly looking tomato like you.
[00:09:19] Unknown:
Come in. Well,
[00:09:23] Unknown:
well, good evening to you all. And tell her this girl is beautiful.
[00:09:28] Unknown:
Where are you from, miss? Down south. I come from the Tobacco Country. Are there any more gorgeous girls like you down in the Tobacco Country? Why? It's just full of them. No wonder that FB Boone can't talk straight. Uh-huh. What's your name?
[00:09:55] Unknown:
Magnolia Tweedy Faddle. My, but that's a pretty dress you have on. Oh, thank you all. I try to be neat. My mother's a good housekeeper. She taught me to keep everything tidy
[00:10:11] Unknown:
and in the right place. Hand me my dust cap, Abbot. This is the kind of housekeeper I like. Costello, it's very sweet of miss, Tweedle Paddle to drop in here to see us. And I think I think it would be a sweet gesture on your part, Costello,
[00:10:25] Unknown:
if you'd show her the sights of Hollywood while she's in town. Oh, mister Costello, if you only would, then I could go home and tell all the girls I was out out with a big, smart celebrity. If you do that for me, I'll give you anything you want.
[00:10:40] Unknown:
Anything?
[00:10:42] Unknown:
Anything.
[00:10:44] Unknown:
Now what do you want? Could I have a pool cue with my own initials on it? You idiot. A kiss would be ample reward for a beautiful girl like that, Lou.
[00:10:55] Unknown:
Yes. Come here, mister Castello, and I'll give you a real southern kiss. That's the way we kiss down south.
[00:11:18] Unknown:
Now I know why General Sherman marched to the sea. He had to get out here to cool off.
[00:11:31] Unknown:
You know, I just can't understand you know the men why in Kentucky the men are so impetuous
[00:11:36] Unknown:
they carry girl away. In California, we've got cars. Pay no attention to Costello, miss, Tweedle Peddle. Tell me, are you a single girl? Oh, yes. Indeed. And I came up no to get married. Well, I don't like to brag, but I'd make a nice husband. I can cook. And what's the matter with me? I can sew. And I I can do housework and and wash dishes. And I know how to take care of babies and do the washing.
[00:12:04] Unknown:
Well, congratulations. I hope you two will be very happy together. Enjoy you all.
[00:12:18] Unknown:
Bastille, you you missed a great opportunity. That girl is the daughter of Colonel Tweedlepadel. They're very wealthy. Yeah. But I got a notion to put on one of my Sam's shovel detective disguises and follow that girl.
[00:12:30] Unknown:
Mister Costello. Mister Costello, I gotta talk to you. I'm Costello. What can I do for you? Mister Costello, I've been listening to your detective series, and I think you're marvelous as Sam's shovel, the great detective. And, mister shovel, I need your help. My wife has disappeared. When did she disappear? Yesterday morning at 07:00. She left the house dressed in a nightgown. She had a frying pan in one hand, a box of matches in the other.
[00:12:49] Unknown:
Mhmm. Sounds like a pretty tough case. You say she left the house yesterday morning at 07:00 wearing a nightgown and carrying a frying pan and a box of matches? Do you have any idea why she left the house? Oh, sure. She was cooking breakfast and the stove blew up. Hey. You know, there was something familiar about that guy. Casella, isn't he your brother-in-law? No, sir. My brother-in-law is living.
[00:13:24] Unknown:
I have a soft ticket. But before it gets too thick, let's interrupt it for another reminder on a serious subject.
[00:14:36] Unknown:
And now the spotlight turns to Howling Winter's heart singing star. Here he is with Matty Monnick and his orchestra.
[00:14:48] Unknown:
Somebody's lying when she says I don't care. Somebody's lying and she's not playing fair. Somebody's lying when she says that I'm untrue. You know I'll never love no one but you. Somebody's lying when she says I'm true. You know I'll never love no one but you. Somebody's lying, sweetheart. Somebody's lying, sweetheart. Somebody's lying, sweetheart.
[00:17:09] Unknown:
You know, it looks like you'll have to get some new girls, Lou. How about those two girls that moved in next door to you? They're strangers in town. Why don't we double date them? Oh, I don't think you'd like them, Abbott. One of them has three watch on her nose. She's got buck teeth. And she's bald headed. How about the other one? She's ugly. Vasselli, you've got as much you've got about as much chance of getting a girl as long as possible. Are they married? Married. They're not married to each other. They're partners just like Sears and Robot. Sears and Robot. Are they married either? Of course not. Ain't that a shame with all that nice furniture they got too?
Where were you last night? Well, I had a date with our secretary, Viola Vaughn. She took me to the plate, and she wouldn't dance with me. Then she took me out to the House of Murphy for dinner, but she wouldn't meet with me. Well, if she she wouldn't dance or eat with you, what does she take you for? $35. I throwing your money around like that. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Right now, I need $75, and I don't know where to get it. Why, Abbot, you must have a hundred friends that would loan you you $75. Well, how about you loaning it to me? Abbot, you must have 99 friends that would loan you $75.
[00:18:19] Unknown:
I ought to know better than to ask a stupid ignorant dork like you for a minute.
[00:18:23] Unknown:
Just a second now. Just a second. Don't call me stupid and ignorant. I'm a college man. For years, I went to Stanford University in the morning and UCLA in the afternoons. You dummy. Stanford is in San Francisco, and UCLA is in Los Angeles now. How could you go to both of them at the same day? Being an honor student, I had a long lunch hour. Honor student. How did you ever get to be an honor student? Well, I took the brain of a monkey and I put it in the head of a man. And today, that man is alive and can talk. What does he say?
[00:18:58] Unknown:
Hey, papa.
[00:19:05] Unknown:
I thought so. You've never been in a college. And I doubt if any of your family were ever in college. Is that so? My brother Pat spent four years at the medical University of Michigan. What was he, studying? Nothing. They were studying him. I know. Gastel, you're impossible. And you better give up doing that Sam Shovell detective series. The field is overcrowded and everybody on Riddy wants to become a private eye. You're right, Abbott. I know it. Seems like every Tom and Harry wants to be a dick. Thank you. That's definitely gonna stop me, Abbot. Tonight, I'm gonna do one of my most famous cases.
[00:19:44] Unknown:
I call it murder in a butcher shop, or have you seen those prices lately? That doesn't sound like a very interesting case, Costello. Pick another one. Okay. Here's a very, very interesting one. I call it the case of the man who drowned in the Los Angeles River or dust be my destiny.
[00:20:05] Unknown:
Oh, let's get on with the case.
[00:20:12] Unknown:
And now the makers of Sludge Motor Oil present the adventures of Dan Shovel, private detectives. But first, a word about our products. Motorists, have you been changing your oil every month? Switch to sludge. When you use sludge, you never have to change oil. Of course, every six months, you'll have to get a new car. Friends, if you want extra mileage, use NACO gasoline. Listen to what one of our satisfied customers has to say.
[00:20:50] Unknown:
I bought two gallons of Norco gasoline in Chicago. When I got into Los Angeles this morning, I still had two quarts left. Thank you, sir. Thank you.
[00:20:59] Unknown:
What kind of a car do you drive? Who's got a car? I got a cigarette lighter. And now for the further adventures of Sam Shovell, private detective.
[00:21:22] Unknown:
Yes. I'm Sam Shovell, private detective. I'm sitting here in my little office writing a report on on my latest case. I reach for my pen. It's a fake pen. I'm alone in the office. I used to have a secretary. I had to let her go. She could never get her typing done. Every time she got to the end of a line, the typewriter bell would ring. She'd go out to lunch. I'm getting sick of this detective business, always on the run. I don't even get a chance to eat. Last night, I sat down to a bowl of chicken broth. I started to eat the broth. The phone rang. I had to go out and catch a crook. I came back, started to eat the broth again. Another call came.
I had to go out and catch another crook. When I came back, the broth was cold. The moral, too many crooks spoil the broth. Suddenly, I hear a woman scream. Came from the window across the street. I can't see who it is. I reach for my opera glasses. They're gone. Must have gone to the opera again. I turned on my file. There on top is one of my most famous cases, the case of the lady blue beard. I don't know why they called her the lady blue beard. She never killed anybody. Maybe it was because she had a blue beard. She was a hard woman to catch.
I'd never caught her except she was a flirt. She gave me the eye in Pasadena. She gave me the eye in Pomona. Then I caught her in Pismo Beach. It was easy. I had both her eyes. It was lost, couldn't see where she was going. Suddenly through the window, I see my pal, lieutenant amateur, the homicide squad approaching. Abbott's a tough man. He's got a dirty look and underwear to match. Hello, Sam Scheville.
[00:24:01] Unknown:
I'm worried. What's wrong, Lieutenant Abbott? Remember when I joined the department, I found the beat and the walking made my feet too big? Yes.
[00:24:10] Unknown:
And then I was transferred to the traffic department
[00:24:14] Unknown:
and waving my arms all day made my hands too big? Yes. Now I'm really worried. They want me to ride a horse.
[00:24:26] Unknown:
I looked at Lieutenant Abbott. What a clever policeman. He's got a trigger mind, and he ought to give it back to trigger. I could tell Lieutenant Abbott had something on his mind. He was nervous. He started fiddling with his nose. Lieutenant Abbott had a tough day at headquarters. All day he had been given a rubber hose to third degree. He kept hitting it with a detective.
[00:25:10] Unknown:
Sam, you can help me. You've got friends in the department. You've got plenty of drag. What makes you think I've got drag? Turn around, Sam, and see what you're dragging.
[00:25:26] Unknown:
Luke Shannon Abbott has insulted me again. I looked him straight in the eye. He had arrogance, conceit, and meanness written on his face. Seems silly for a man of his age to go around with all those words written on his face.
[00:25:45] Unknown:
Sam, it's very warm in here. Why don't you open that door that leads to the balcony?
[00:25:50] Unknown:
I can't. I haven't got a key, and I don't know how to open it. When did you use your head? I don't think my head will fit in the keyhole.
[00:26:06] Unknown:
Hello. Sam Shuffle, private detective speaking. Is this the great Sam Shuffle, the private detective? That's me. Sam, you've got to help me. What's the matter? There are five tough guys with guns and clubs trying to break in here and kill me. Come right over. I can't hear you. There are five tough guys with guns and clubs trying to kill me. Come right over.
[00:26:27] Unknown:
I can't hear you.
[00:26:29] Unknown:
Sam. I am not even on the phone and I can hear it. Why don't you go over?
[00:26:42] Unknown:
Alright. You two guys, pop your hands. Put them up there.
[00:26:47] Unknown:
I lift them up any higher, I'll break my suspension.
[00:26:50] Unknown:
And lift up your hand. Now lift up your pants. What's the idea of making us put up our hand? Don't ask any questions. Go on. Reach for the ceiling.
[00:27:04] Unknown:
Okay. We reached the ceiling. What's the idea of this stick up? This ain't no stick up.
[00:27:09] Unknown:
Then why have you got us standing here with our hands on the ceiling? Me and my crew are repairing this building. We're ready to tear out the walls, and somebody better be holding up that ceiling.
[00:27:26] Unknown:
Luke, Tinnenavitt, this seems kind of silly. You and me standing here holding up the ceiling. Yes, ma'am.
[00:27:33] Unknown:
It's probably something the writers thought up because they were stuck for a finish.
[00:27:37] Unknown:
It's ridiculous. Let's put our hands down. Next time, we better play along with the riders. Them guys can kill you.
[00:28:11] Unknown:
Don't go away, boss. Our mad men aren't screwing you yet. Right now, they want you to hear this.
[00:29:21] Unknown:
Two tickets to the Bolanos Williams fight on the twenty ninth, please. What name? Paul Douglas. The actor? That's what it says in my contract. I thought you'd be in Saint Louis on the twenty sixth for the opening of It Happens Every Spring. I'll be there, but I'm flying back for this great champ battle. It's for the benefit of the kids at the Lou Costello Junior Foundation, and it's to help juvenile delinquency. And that's good enough to get my support.
[00:29:48] Unknown:
Our writing staff is headed by Eddie Eddie Foreman with Paul Conlon and Castella. Our producer is Charles Vanden. Good night. How's everybody? In Harrison. Good night.
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[00:00:26] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. We were permitted by law. 18 plus terms and conditions applies. Website for details. Hello. It is Ryan. And we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses. That should brighten your day low. Actually, a lot. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com. That's chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:59] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. DGW. Hey, Abbott. What time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show. We're on the air here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show.
[00:01:23] Unknown:
Yes. It's the Abbott and Costello Show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure. Chuckles with a carload and music by Maddie Maldeck. So hold on to your chairs, folks, where here they are, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
[00:01:51] Unknown:
Yeah, please. Alright. Alright. Stop that racket. Where have you been? Stop the racket. Where have have I been? Yeah. Uncle Mike just bought a new house. I went out to see it. How far is it from here? Fifteen minutes by automobile and five minutes if you walk. Wait a minute. How could it be how could it be faster if you walk? When you're walking, you pass a skunk farm. Must be a lovely place. Wait. Wait up. If you if you wanna go into the kitchen, you go through the dining room through the maid's room. If you wanna go to the master bedroom, you go through the living room through the maid's room. And if you wanna go to the patio, you go through the den, then through the maid's room. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why do you keep going through the maids' room?
[00:02:28] Unknown:
Silly boy.
[00:02:32] Unknown:
Will you please talk, Saze? Tell me more about Uncle Mike's place. Oh, I'll let well, he ran out of water. It's out of the swimming pool, and he filled it with peroxide. He filled the pool with peroxide? Yeah. What water? He's nuts about blood. By the way, how's aunt and me, getting along with uncle Mike? Just fine. You know, Mike is expecting a blessed event at their house next Tuesday. Well, wait a minute. They've been married for thirty five years, and they're expecting a blessed event. Mike's mother-in-law is leaving for Patterson.
[00:03:12] Unknown:
Well, there's a sample of a high grade nonsense you'll be hearing for the next half hour. But before we get back to it, listen to this.
[00:04:30] Unknown:
Come over here, Costello. Just look at you. You've got big circles under your eyes, and you look terrible, Lou. I can't help but have it. I've been up all night working on my invention. I just finished my latest invention. It's a cellophane mattress for old maids. Oh, now wait a minute. Yeah. But what good would a cellophane mattress be to an old me, Lou? Well, she could look under the bed to see if there's a guy under there without getting up. Never know. You and your inventions, you're you're wasting your time. I think I you got something there. But, really, I'm not. Get a load of this this invention. My sister and I, we're working on it now. We're crossing a roll of pink ribbon with a rubber plant. What for? So we can raise ladies' gutters. When I look at you, Castell, I wonder how you ever became such an enormous idiot. Well, that's easy. I could teach you no time. Right.
You dope your entire family, you stupid. None of them knows anything. Now wait a minute. Oh, I said Just a minute. How can you say that? How can you say that? My aunt may have considered her an expert authority on insects. Then authority on insects? Mhmm. Did she study insects in college? She didn't have to go to college. She studied at home. Wait a minute. Now how did she study insects at home? Her first three husbands were barflies. Are you still living with your aunt May and uncle Mike? No. I decided I want a nice place to stay, so I reserved the room at the YWCA. You idiot. The YWCA is full of girl. Isn't that a nice place to stay?
So, you like girls, I gather? I like girls anybody gathers. You idiot. All you think of is girl. Am I tempted by girls? No. When a girl fights with me, do I flirt back? No. Alright. Well, I could go out with a different girl every night, but I do I do it? No. Look, Abbot. All the little kitties are asleep now. Let's tell them the right answers.
[00:06:39] Unknown:
Help. Help. Please. Somebody help me. Somebody's gotta help me.
[00:06:44] Unknown:
Who was that? I don't know, but he came in twice.
[00:06:56] Unknown:
Well, who was it, Lou? You know? Yeah. That was little Johnny from the Philip Marshall. He finally found a store window he couldn't step out of. I can't tell me what you be careful what you say about that little Johnny. You know, I've heard he's a pretty tough kid. I ain't afraid of him. I could fight that little Johnny with one hand tied behind his back. You mean one hand tied behind your back? Who's fixing this fight? You or me? If you're so tough, Costello, why don't you enter the heavyweight division? You know, Joe Louis has retired and they're looking for a new champion. There's only one reason why I don't become heavyweight champion, Abbott. I'm so tough and ferocious. I can't control myself. The minute I get in the ring, I see blood. It's terrible. What's terrible about it? It's my blood.
You wouldn't find your way out of a paper bag. Is that so? You're talking to a man who can lick anybody. Why, I take that Joe Louis apart and see what makes him tick. I take Joe Volcar apart and see what makes him tick. I take Lisa Boldt apart and see what makes him tick. I take Gus Lessonovich apart and and any champion. Name any champion and I'll take him apart. Alright. I'll give you an easy one. How about the, swimming champion, Esther Williams? Could you take her apart? Anything put together that good don't need tinkering with. Castello, you're a moronic, silly nincompoop. Thank you, Abbott. And remember, I'm not one of those phony jerks. I'm the real thing.
Castello, you're hopeless. No wonder you have no friends. Why even Susan Miller won't talk to you anymore? And do you know why? Why? Because you don't know how to treat a girl. Then why are certain types of women crazy about me? What kind of women are crazy about women. Let's say we're in the, Palladium Dance Hall. Now I am a girl. Now you walk up to me and you ask me for a dance. What's your name? Oh, what's the difference? What difference is that? You don't expect me to dance with a girl I don't know now? Listen. Alright. My name is Louise. Is that alright? How come you picked Louise? What's the difference? Any girl's name. Louise. Now go ahead and ask me to dance. Louise? Would you like to sit this out?
Sit it out. Why don't you ask me to dance? You don't think I'm gonna get out there on a floor in front of all those people with an ugly looking tomato like you.
[00:09:19] Unknown:
Come in. Well,
[00:09:23] Unknown:
well, good evening to you all. And tell her this girl is beautiful.
[00:09:28] Unknown:
Where are you from, miss? Down south. I come from the Tobacco Country. Are there any more gorgeous girls like you down in the Tobacco Country? Why? It's just full of them. No wonder that FB Boone can't talk straight. Uh-huh. What's your name?
[00:09:55] Unknown:
Magnolia Tweedy Faddle. My, but that's a pretty dress you have on. Oh, thank you all. I try to be neat. My mother's a good housekeeper. She taught me to keep everything tidy
[00:10:11] Unknown:
and in the right place. Hand me my dust cap, Abbot. This is the kind of housekeeper I like. Costello, it's very sweet of miss, Tweedle Paddle to drop in here to see us. And I think I think it would be a sweet gesture on your part, Costello,
[00:10:25] Unknown:
if you'd show her the sights of Hollywood while she's in town. Oh, mister Costello, if you only would, then I could go home and tell all the girls I was out out with a big, smart celebrity. If you do that for me, I'll give you anything you want.
[00:10:40] Unknown:
Anything?
[00:10:42] Unknown:
Anything.
[00:10:44] Unknown:
Now what do you want? Could I have a pool cue with my own initials on it? You idiot. A kiss would be ample reward for a beautiful girl like that, Lou.
[00:10:55] Unknown:
Yes. Come here, mister Castello, and I'll give you a real southern kiss. That's the way we kiss down south.
[00:11:18] Unknown:
Now I know why General Sherman marched to the sea. He had to get out here to cool off.
[00:11:31] Unknown:
You know, I just can't understand you know the men why in Kentucky the men are so impetuous
[00:11:36] Unknown:
they carry girl away. In California, we've got cars. Pay no attention to Costello, miss, Tweedle Peddle. Tell me, are you a single girl? Oh, yes. Indeed. And I came up no to get married. Well, I don't like to brag, but I'd make a nice husband. I can cook. And what's the matter with me? I can sew. And I I can do housework and and wash dishes. And I know how to take care of babies and do the washing.
[00:12:04] Unknown:
Well, congratulations. I hope you two will be very happy together. Enjoy you all.
[00:12:18] Unknown:
Bastille, you you missed a great opportunity. That girl is the daughter of Colonel Tweedlepadel. They're very wealthy. Yeah. But I got a notion to put on one of my Sam's shovel detective disguises and follow that girl.
[00:12:30] Unknown:
Mister Costello. Mister Costello, I gotta talk to you. I'm Costello. What can I do for you? Mister Costello, I've been listening to your detective series, and I think you're marvelous as Sam's shovel, the great detective. And, mister shovel, I need your help. My wife has disappeared. When did she disappear? Yesterday morning at 07:00. She left the house dressed in a nightgown. She had a frying pan in one hand, a box of matches in the other.
[00:12:49] Unknown:
Mhmm. Sounds like a pretty tough case. You say she left the house yesterday morning at 07:00 wearing a nightgown and carrying a frying pan and a box of matches? Do you have any idea why she left the house? Oh, sure. She was cooking breakfast and the stove blew up. Hey. You know, there was something familiar about that guy. Casella, isn't he your brother-in-law? No, sir. My brother-in-law is living.
[00:13:24] Unknown:
I have a soft ticket. But before it gets too thick, let's interrupt it for another reminder on a serious subject.
[00:14:36] Unknown:
And now the spotlight turns to Howling Winter's heart singing star. Here he is with Matty Monnick and his orchestra.
[00:14:48] Unknown:
Somebody's lying when she says I don't care. Somebody's lying and she's not playing fair. Somebody's lying when she says that I'm untrue. You know I'll never love no one but you. Somebody's lying when she says I'm true. You know I'll never love no one but you. Somebody's lying, sweetheart. Somebody's lying, sweetheart. Somebody's lying, sweetheart.
[00:17:09] Unknown:
You know, it looks like you'll have to get some new girls, Lou. How about those two girls that moved in next door to you? They're strangers in town. Why don't we double date them? Oh, I don't think you'd like them, Abbott. One of them has three watch on her nose. She's got buck teeth. And she's bald headed. How about the other one? She's ugly. Vasselli, you've got as much you've got about as much chance of getting a girl as long as possible. Are they married? Married. They're not married to each other. They're partners just like Sears and Robot. Sears and Robot. Are they married either? Of course not. Ain't that a shame with all that nice furniture they got too?
Where were you last night? Well, I had a date with our secretary, Viola Vaughn. She took me to the plate, and she wouldn't dance with me. Then she took me out to the House of Murphy for dinner, but she wouldn't meet with me. Well, if she she wouldn't dance or eat with you, what does she take you for? $35. I throwing your money around like that. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Right now, I need $75, and I don't know where to get it. Why, Abbot, you must have a hundred friends that would loan you you $75. Well, how about you loaning it to me? Abbot, you must have 99 friends that would loan you $75.
[00:18:19] Unknown:
I ought to know better than to ask a stupid ignorant dork like you for a minute.
[00:18:23] Unknown:
Just a second now. Just a second. Don't call me stupid and ignorant. I'm a college man. For years, I went to Stanford University in the morning and UCLA in the afternoons. You dummy. Stanford is in San Francisco, and UCLA is in Los Angeles now. How could you go to both of them at the same day? Being an honor student, I had a long lunch hour. Honor student. How did you ever get to be an honor student? Well, I took the brain of a monkey and I put it in the head of a man. And today, that man is alive and can talk. What does he say?
[00:18:58] Unknown:
Hey, papa.
[00:19:05] Unknown:
I thought so. You've never been in a college. And I doubt if any of your family were ever in college. Is that so? My brother Pat spent four years at the medical University of Michigan. What was he, studying? Nothing. They were studying him. I know. Gastel, you're impossible. And you better give up doing that Sam Shovell detective series. The field is overcrowded and everybody on Riddy wants to become a private eye. You're right, Abbott. I know it. Seems like every Tom and Harry wants to be a dick. Thank you. That's definitely gonna stop me, Abbot. Tonight, I'm gonna do one of my most famous cases.
[00:19:44] Unknown:
I call it murder in a butcher shop, or have you seen those prices lately? That doesn't sound like a very interesting case, Costello. Pick another one. Okay. Here's a very, very interesting one. I call it the case of the man who drowned in the Los Angeles River or dust be my destiny.
[00:20:05] Unknown:
Oh, let's get on with the case.
[00:20:12] Unknown:
And now the makers of Sludge Motor Oil present the adventures of Dan Shovel, private detectives. But first, a word about our products. Motorists, have you been changing your oil every month? Switch to sludge. When you use sludge, you never have to change oil. Of course, every six months, you'll have to get a new car. Friends, if you want extra mileage, use NACO gasoline. Listen to what one of our satisfied customers has to say.
[00:20:50] Unknown:
I bought two gallons of Norco gasoline in Chicago. When I got into Los Angeles this morning, I still had two quarts left. Thank you, sir. Thank you.
[00:20:59] Unknown:
What kind of a car do you drive? Who's got a car? I got a cigarette lighter. And now for the further adventures of Sam Shovell, private detective.
[00:21:22] Unknown:
Yes. I'm Sam Shovell, private detective. I'm sitting here in my little office writing a report on on my latest case. I reach for my pen. It's a fake pen. I'm alone in the office. I used to have a secretary. I had to let her go. She could never get her typing done. Every time she got to the end of a line, the typewriter bell would ring. She'd go out to lunch. I'm getting sick of this detective business, always on the run. I don't even get a chance to eat. Last night, I sat down to a bowl of chicken broth. I started to eat the broth. The phone rang. I had to go out and catch a crook. I came back, started to eat the broth again. Another call came.
I had to go out and catch another crook. When I came back, the broth was cold. The moral, too many crooks spoil the broth. Suddenly, I hear a woman scream. Came from the window across the street. I can't see who it is. I reach for my opera glasses. They're gone. Must have gone to the opera again. I turned on my file. There on top is one of my most famous cases, the case of the lady blue beard. I don't know why they called her the lady blue beard. She never killed anybody. Maybe it was because she had a blue beard. She was a hard woman to catch.
I'd never caught her except she was a flirt. She gave me the eye in Pasadena. She gave me the eye in Pomona. Then I caught her in Pismo Beach. It was easy. I had both her eyes. It was lost, couldn't see where she was going. Suddenly through the window, I see my pal, lieutenant amateur, the homicide squad approaching. Abbott's a tough man. He's got a dirty look and underwear to match. Hello, Sam Scheville.
[00:24:01] Unknown:
I'm worried. What's wrong, Lieutenant Abbott? Remember when I joined the department, I found the beat and the walking made my feet too big? Yes.
[00:24:10] Unknown:
And then I was transferred to the traffic department
[00:24:14] Unknown:
and waving my arms all day made my hands too big? Yes. Now I'm really worried. They want me to ride a horse.
[00:24:26] Unknown:
I looked at Lieutenant Abbott. What a clever policeman. He's got a trigger mind, and he ought to give it back to trigger. I could tell Lieutenant Abbott had something on his mind. He was nervous. He started fiddling with his nose. Lieutenant Abbott had a tough day at headquarters. All day he had been given a rubber hose to third degree. He kept hitting it with a detective.
[00:25:10] Unknown:
Sam, you can help me. You've got friends in the department. You've got plenty of drag. What makes you think I've got drag? Turn around, Sam, and see what you're dragging.
[00:25:26] Unknown:
Luke Shannon Abbott has insulted me again. I looked him straight in the eye. He had arrogance, conceit, and meanness written on his face. Seems silly for a man of his age to go around with all those words written on his face.
[00:25:45] Unknown:
Sam, it's very warm in here. Why don't you open that door that leads to the balcony?
[00:25:50] Unknown:
I can't. I haven't got a key, and I don't know how to open it. When did you use your head? I don't think my head will fit in the keyhole.
[00:26:06] Unknown:
Hello. Sam Shuffle, private detective speaking. Is this the great Sam Shuffle, the private detective? That's me. Sam, you've got to help me. What's the matter? There are five tough guys with guns and clubs trying to break in here and kill me. Come right over. I can't hear you. There are five tough guys with guns and clubs trying to kill me. Come right over.
[00:26:27] Unknown:
I can't hear you.
[00:26:29] Unknown:
Sam. I am not even on the phone and I can hear it. Why don't you go over?
[00:26:42] Unknown:
Alright. You two guys, pop your hands. Put them up there.
[00:26:47] Unknown:
I lift them up any higher, I'll break my suspension.
[00:26:50] Unknown:
And lift up your hand. Now lift up your pants. What's the idea of making us put up our hand? Don't ask any questions. Go on. Reach for the ceiling.
[00:27:04] Unknown:
Okay. We reached the ceiling. What's the idea of this stick up? This ain't no stick up.
[00:27:09] Unknown:
Then why have you got us standing here with our hands on the ceiling? Me and my crew are repairing this building. We're ready to tear out the walls, and somebody better be holding up that ceiling.
[00:27:26] Unknown:
Luke, Tinnenavitt, this seems kind of silly. You and me standing here holding up the ceiling. Yes, ma'am.
[00:27:33] Unknown:
It's probably something the writers thought up because they were stuck for a finish.
[00:27:37] Unknown:
It's ridiculous. Let's put our hands down. Next time, we better play along with the riders. Them guys can kill you.
[00:28:11] Unknown:
Don't go away, boss. Our mad men aren't screwing you yet. Right now, they want you to hear this.
[00:29:21] Unknown:
Two tickets to the Bolanos Williams fight on the twenty ninth, please. What name? Paul Douglas. The actor? That's what it says in my contract. I thought you'd be in Saint Louis on the twenty sixth for the opening of It Happens Every Spring. I'll be there, but I'm flying back for this great champ battle. It's for the benefit of the kids at the Lou Costello Junior Foundation, and it's to help juvenile delinquency. And that's good enough to get my support.
[00:29:48] Unknown:
Our writing staff is headed by Eddie Eddie Foreman with Paul Conlon and Castella. Our producer is Charles Vanden. Good night. How's everybody? In Harrison. Good night.
