In this lively episode, we dive into the world of comedy with the classic antics of Abbott and Costello. The show kicks off with a humorous exchange about the peculiar places people have found luck, setting the stage for a series of comedic sketches. We are treated to the timeless humor of Abbott and Costello as they navigate through a series of hilarious scenarios, from Lou's misadventures at a party to his attempts at romance and his interactions with Abbott's family. The episode is filled with witty banter, slapstick humor, and the duo's signature comedic timing.
Listeners are also entertained by a segment featuring Sam Shovel, the private detective, who embarks on a quirky investigation in the hillbilly country. The episode is peppered with musical interludes and a variety of comedic characters, adding to the rich tapestry of humor. Whether it's through Lou's outrageous stories or the absurd situations they find themselves in, Abbott and Costello deliver a show that promises laughter and entertainment from start to finish.
(01:01) The Abbott and Costello Show Begins
(04:23) Costello's Misadventures and School Days
(08:41) The Value of Money and Love
(17:03) Musical Interlude: Once in Love with Amy
(19:29) Sam Shovel: The Case of the Photographer
(25:06) Hillbilly Moonshiner Adventure
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Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
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Unknown:
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[00:01:02] Unknown:
Hey, Abbott. What time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show.
[00:01:23] Unknown:
Yes. It's the Abbott and Costello Show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure with chuckles with a carload and music by Maddie Malnick. So hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
[00:01:49] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. Alright. Cut out that yelling. What's all the excitement?
[00:01:53] Unknown:
Well, I went to a party last night. I bet there were 30 girls here. Now one of them would dance with me or even talk to me. You didn't have any fun then? No. I was as lonesome as Fed Ellen on Sunday night.
[00:02:03] Unknown:
I thought you were such a big shot with the girls. I don't believe you ever had a girl. Oh, yes. I did, Abbot. I had a very beautiful little blonde once, and everything was swell until one day she ran off to Florida. She married a guy, and now she has five children. After that, we just sort of drifted apart. She had no
[00:02:21] Unknown:
Why don't you speak to my wife, Lou? She's a nice No. No. Your wife don't like me, Abbot. Well, if you hang around with her, why you'll find me. You eventually get into her skin. Well, I guess one more lump won't hurt her.
[00:02:34] Unknown:
How can you talk that way about my wife? Remember the first night you met her? Yes. The minute she walked in the room, I said, there's either an ugly woman or a good looking man.
[00:02:45] Unknown:
Pastel, you know, you're getting more stupid every day.
[00:02:48] Unknown:
Gee, thanks, Abbot. I'm glad to know I'm not stagnating. Okay.
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Before the boys get any further involved in nonsense, here's a thought that makes good sense.
[00:04:23] Unknown:
Alright, Gusto. Stop that howling. What's that thing you've got under your arm? That's my new Harry Truman rifle. The Harry Truman rifle? Yes. A 48 repeater.
[00:04:39] Unknown:
What happened to you last night? I called your house and you weren't home. Well, I went to the movies, Abbot. I saw one of those old time pictures. It was all about the Romans. They had a chariot race in it, and it was won by a guy named Ben Hymn. Yeah.
[00:04:50] Unknown:
You dummy. You mean Ben Hymn, not him, Hymn.
[00:04:53] Unknown:
They were all dressed up in a bed sheets. You couldn't tell the hymns from the
[00:05:00] Unknown:
Well, if you'd gone to school, Lou, you'd you'd known the story of Ben Hur. Did you go to school, Evelyn? Oh, certainly. Oh, certainly. I started in nursery school, then I went to kindergarten. So what? I started in nursery school. I went to kindergarten. And I went from kindergarten to grammar school. So what? I went to kindergarten to grammar school. I went from grammar school to high school. You think it'll be as short as a meatball this summer? Now tell her you've got the brain of a monkey.
[00:05:22] Unknown:
I'll bet you have not. Yeah. When do you wanna bet? 15 bananas. Trying to insinuate that I'm ignorant? Abbott, you're enough of a Hollywood character. Oh, what's a Hollywood character? A jerk with a personality. I'll ignore that remark because of your ignorance. Who's who who who's ignorant? That. When I went to school, I specialized in history. I can name off all the most important dates in history. Alright. Go ahead. Name some important dates. Oh, I will. There's, fourteen ninety two, seventy seventy six, eighteen twelve, nineteen seventeen, Rita Haywood. Now wait a minute. Wait a minute.
[00:05:57] Unknown:
Rita Haywood is not an important date. Ali Khan seems to think so. Tatula, why don't you listen to me? Take my advice once in a while. I'm your friend. I realize you're not a that you're an idiot. I want to assist you, Lou. What good can you do me? You're just an assistant to an idiot. Well, just look at who your your dumpy is. Now just Now just just
[00:06:22] Unknown:
go hold of it. Why do you hold hold it? What do you have? I go for so much and that's all. Now it's not my fault that I didn't grow tall like the other boys. When I was a little boy over in Scotland, I used to play the bagpipes, but it gave me pneumonia.
[00:06:35] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Now look. Wait a minute.
[00:06:39] Unknown:
How could playing the bagpipes give you pneumonia? There was a leak in the bag, and the air kept blowing up my kilts. Instead of wearing a whisk broom in front of my kilts like the rest of the Scotsman, I had to wear a hot water bottle.
[00:06:56] Unknown:
You must have had a very poor childhood, Justinella.
[00:06:58] Unknown:
I did have it. We were very poor. My mother had to work and she had to take and wash it. She had to scrub off his floor. She worked like a she worked as a blacksmith. She drove an oil truck. And one time for three years, she worked in a daytime as as a waitress and worked at night in a coal mine. What what what did your father do? He kept the books. He kept Well, I guess you had a pretty tough time when you were a kid. Yes. I'll never forget the day my mother made my first pair of long pants. It had 12 buttons down the back and four pockets in the front.
[00:07:27] Unknown:
Well, what she make them out of? My father's old vest.
[00:07:31] Unknown:
I was the only kid. I was the only kid in school that had a watch bop hanging from my knee. Were you very popular with the other kids in school, Lou? Oh, I was a pitcher on a baseball team. What a pitcher I was. I had a drop ball, a slow ball, a curve ball. Did did you have a screwball? That was before I met you, Ed. Yeah. Dummy, you ought to be back in school right now. For your information, Abbot, I'm keeping steady company with a red headed school teacher. What does she teach? She has a high school class of men all over 40 years old. 40 year old man. Why don't they go to college? Well, she can still teach them. There's nothing else to learn.
[00:08:08] Unknown:
Running around with a school teacher? Why don't you find a nice girl and get married? I'm going to have it as soon as I get some money. Money. Money. Money. Money. Money. Gastel, don't worry about money. Do you realize what money is? Money is the root of all evil. Money is an invention of the devil. Money is filthy lucre. Money causes misery. Money. That's what I think of money.
[00:08:29] Unknown:
May the Bank of America have mercy on your soul.
[00:08:42] Unknown:
Castelli, you don't need money. What you need is the love of a good woman. Find another girl like my wife, Betty. You mean there's another girl like your wife, Betty? Castelli, I love my wife. My Betty's a real cookie. Your wife is a cookie? That's right.
[00:08:58] Unknown:
Abbott, you just said baking back twenty years.
[00:09:04] Unknown:
You'd be lucky to get a girl like my wife. My Betty is always straight from the shoulder. Well, what's a girl that's straight from the shoulder? I like the girl that curves.
[00:09:16] Unknown:
Oh, Uncle Bud. Uncle Bud. Something terrible just happened to me. And this is really his uncle Bud, and this is the nephew. We don't kid about it. He's got to work. Abbott's nephew. Pay attention to what he says, folks. This may be his last performance.
[00:09:36] Unknown:
What is it that Norman nephew Norman,
[00:09:39] Unknown:
why are you so excited? Well, bud, when I was coming through the pass in the mountains, a mountain lion jumped right in the car beside me.
[00:09:46] Unknown:
Yes. Then what happened? The lion killed me. Wait a minute, Norman. You're not dead. Stop crying. You're working on the Evan Costello show. You're still living.
[00:10:00] Unknown:
You call this living?
[00:10:07] Unknown:
Really though, Cecilia, there goes a brilliant boy. His brain is on a slow boat to the Mayo brothers.
[00:10:14] Unknown:
Now you lay out Norman. He's a very intelligent boy. He's always studying reading. It wouldn't hurt you to do a little reading once in a while. Oh, I have but I do plenty of reading. When I was seven years old, I started my first book, Little Red Riding Hood. I rented it from the library.
[00:10:26] Unknown:
It's the last time I'll ever read a book from the library. Well, didn't you, like Little Red Riding Hood? Have it up to now? I owe that library $2,800
[00:10:34] Unknown:
and a Little Red Riding Hood has yet to meet the wolf.
[00:10:40] Unknown:
Little Red Riding Hood. Why don't you read some of the newer books? I just bought Gypsy Rose Lee's new book. It's a story of her life. What does Gypsy Rose Lee call her new book? The Lake and I.
[00:10:52] Unknown:
Why don't you read something educational? I am, Adam. I just bought a book on inventions. It tells all about new gadgets. I bought one yesterday for my aunt May. What kind of a gadget did you buy for your aunt May? It's a new girl. It's made from surplus paratroopers harness, and it's a handy little thing. At night, she doesn't have to undress. She doesn't? No. She just jumps off the top of the dresser and pulls a rip cord.
[00:11:12] Unknown:
That's ridiculous.
[00:11:13] Unknown:
But, hey, I understand you're working on some kind of a silly invention yourself. And my invention is all finished too, Abbott. It's a new kind of perfume, and all the girls in Hollywood are gonna go crazy about it. All the girls in Hollywood are going crazy about your perfume. Why? Smells like money. I gave a bottle of it to my aunt May. Boy, did it make her popular. Mhmm. You're right. May was never popular. So back in Paterson, New Jersey, she was so popular. Every guy in town used to drink champagne out of her slipper. And what did it get her? She's got the only big toe in the world that belongs to Alcoholics Anonymous.
[00:11:54] Unknown:
Mister, what's going on here? It's this darn kid of mine. He won't eat a spinach. Junior, you've gotta eat the spinach. Why ain't you gonna do it? I don't like spinach. When you reach your spinach or Saturday, I'll make you go to see Abbott and Costello's picture. Mexican hayride. No. No. You can't do that to me. I'll leave my spinach with you. My father can't do that.
[00:12:24] Unknown:
Abba, I'd let you take that kid over to Santa Anita Saturday. What for? I wanna drop him in a claiming race.
[00:12:31] Unknown:
Oh, hello, boy. Hey. Look, Castello. It's Viola.
[00:12:35] Unknown:
Viola, you look very lovely tonight. Viola, I understand that you and Costello had a date last night. Where'd you go? Well, Costello had a terrible time making up his mind where to take me. Well, you see, I was trying to make up my mind between Cyril's and the Macambo. But we finally went
[00:12:51] Unknown:
where?
[00:12:52] Unknown:
To a hamburger stand between Syro's and the Macambo.
[00:12:57] Unknown:
Well, don't you worry, Viola. After we're married, things will be different. We'll have lots of little ones, and they'll all look like me.
[00:13:03] Unknown:
Oh, gee. I'd always planned on having children.
[00:13:10] Unknown:
I'd planned on having a few laughs here. Are you sure you're reading the same script?
[00:13:16] Unknown:
Lou, you shouldn't be jealous of me. I I don't wanna be a comedian. I don't wanna make people laugh. Okay. Then you read my lines.
[00:13:25] Unknown:
Costello, you can't be funny without me. You need me. Why, where would Edgar Bergen be without Shelly McCaughey? Where would Amos be without Andy? That's true. Certainly. One thing goes with the another. Like Dorothy Lamour, where would she be without without her sarong? I don't know, but I sure would like to be there.
[00:13:45] Unknown:
Crustella, I I think you're girl crazy. I'm not the girl for you. But, Viola, you can't leave me. What would I do without you? Uh-huh. Don't worry about that. I'll fix you up with a girlfriend of mine. Oh, you'll be just crazy about this girl. When she meets you, she'll rush over and she'll throw her arms around you like this. Yes. And she'll squeeze you like this. Yes. And and she'll she'll kiss you like this and this and this and this. There. Now what do you think of that?
[00:14:18] Unknown:
When am I gonna meet this girl?
[00:14:27] Unknown:
Viola, why don't you take pity on Castello and marry him? Then you'll be known as missus Louis g Castello.
[00:14:34] Unknown:
G? Oh, what does the g stand for, Castello? Don't you tell her of it.
[00:14:40] Unknown:
Come on now. What does it stand for? George? No. I don't wanna tell you. Wanna tell you. Oh, come on, Costello. What does the g stand for? Oh, do I have to tell you? Yes. Stands for Gloria. Gloria. Yes. My mother always wanted a girl, and my father didn't have the heart to tell her.
[00:15:04] Unknown:
Layla, why don't you pick Ed Casdell and come to the movies tonight and see our latest picture, Mexican Hayride? Oh, thanks, bud. But I I saw the picture already. Oh, you did? Tell me. How did you like my acting?
[00:15:15] Unknown:
Well, it was Mhmm. I I'd say Mhmm. Well well, let me put it this way. Sure. You know how Ben Johnson has that dramatic touch? Oh, yes. And how Clark Gable has that forceful personality? Yes. And how Gregory Peck gives that little artistic extra something?
[00:15:34] Unknown:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But but but what about me?
[00:15:37] Unknown:
Costello, can you drive a taxi cab?
[00:15:40] Unknown:
Oh, now get this girl out of here. Will you? Come on.
[00:15:50] Unknown:
That's only half the fun, folks. Just as many laughs yet to come. But first, listen to this.
[00:17:04] Unknown:
And now the spotlight turns to Howl Winters' art singing star. Here he is with Malie Malnik and his orchestra.
[00:17:15] Unknown:
I caught you, sir, having a look at her as she went strolling by. Now didn't your heart beat? Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, and then you sigh a sigh. I warn you, sir. Don't start to dream of her. Just bid such thoughts be gone. Or it'll be boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, from then on. For once in love with Amy, always in love with Amy. Ever and ever fascinated by her sets your heart afire to stay. Once you're kissed by Amy, tear up your list, Amy. Fly her with bonbons, poetry, and flowers, noon a million hours away.
You might be quite the fickle hearted rover, so carefree and bold, who loves a girl and later thinks it over and just quits cold on bloods in love with Amy. Always in love with Amy. Ever and ever, sweetly, you'll romance her. Trouble is the answer will be that Amy grab a stay in love with me.
[00:19:29] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. Come here. How did you get your clothes so dirty? Just just look at your coat. It's torn and your shirt is ripped and, Eddie, my poor lebbit. Right. I was out on one of my Sam's shovel detective cases last night. I investigated a robbery at the fraternity house in UCLA, but I miscalculated. Got into one of the girl's dormitories.
[00:19:46] Unknown:
How did you manage to do that? By careful miscalculation.
[00:19:52] Unknown:
Pascal, instead of running around nights on those silly same shovel cases, you should stay home. Oh, I do stay home a lot of it. Every night last week, I stayed home. I cleaned the house. I got a terrible serving problem. I find it very difficult to hold a maid. Now what makes it so difficult My
[00:20:07] Unknown:
mother keeps walking in the room.
[00:20:10] Unknown:
Yeah. Never mind that. I understand I understand you took your brother, Pat, to the movies last night. Yes. But I ain't taking Pat to the movies no more. He acts very strange. The minute we got into the movie, Pac put his hat under the seat. What's strange about that? Once the men put their, their hat under the seat. While their head is still in it.
[00:20:28] Unknown:
Oh, talk sense. Hey. Wait a minute. Come here. What is that big manuscript you're carrying under your arm? Well, I didn't wanna tell you, but it's a book that I wrote. A book you wrote? It's the first chapter.
[00:20:38] Unknown:
The hero is threatened by a mad doctor who tries to remove his head. In the second chapter, he meets a demented butcher who tries to put him in a meat grinder. Then it ends where three maniacs tied to a tree and a squad in a wild woodpeckers peck holes in them, but nobody wants to publish it. Why not? I guess people are sick of them mushy love stories. What is your Sam shovel, detective story about tonight? Well, tonight, I do one of my most famous cases. I call it the case of the photographer who was stuck up in a dark room or he was caught with his prints down.
[00:21:11] Unknown:
Well, it sounds terrible, but let's
[00:21:20] Unknown:
do it. Now the makers of Bebop Bubble Bath present the adventures of Sam Shovel Private Detective. But first, a word about our product, Bebop Bubble Band. Friends, would you like bubbles in your bathtub? You would? Well, why not call up Bubbles and see if she needs a bath? Babies try bebop bubble bath. We don't ask you to buy the large size, mind you. Just try a trial size package. It contains a seven year supply. You'll find that if you use bebop bubble bath every day for seven years, you'll have skin just like a baby, a baby alligator.
Listen to what people all over the country are saying about Bebop Bubble Bath in Kansas. Give Give me Bebop Bubble Bass. In New Jersey. Give me Bebop Bubble Bass. In Oregon. Give me Bebop Bubble Bass. In Virginia.
[00:22:16] Unknown:
Give me liberty or give me justice.
[00:22:22] Unknown:
Patrick Henry never gives up. And now the makers of Bebop Bubble Bath bring you your favorite thriller mystery. Here he is, Sam Shovell, private detective.
[00:22:41] Unknown:
As I'm Sam shovel, Sam shovel, private detective. The detective business has been money slow lately. Last night having nothing to do, I went to a big public library, burned my nose in a book. This morning, I had a heck of a job finding it. I forgot what book I buried it in. Here comes my secretary now. Did you call me, mister Shuffle? Don't be silly. Why should I call you mister Shuffle? My name is mister Shuffle. By the way, miss Jones, did you find the file on a crook, Joe Kirk? What's his name? Who? Joe Kirk. Never heard of him. Miss Jones, you and I have got to work late in the office tonight. Are you prepared? Oh, yes. I brought my brass knuckles, my fencing mask, and a baseball bat.
Clever girl. She's so stylish. She was voted one of the 10 best dressed women in Azusa. That's not so remarkable when you consider there's only nine other women in Azusa. Suddenly, the interoffice communication system buzzes.
[00:23:49] Unknown:
It's my secretary. She speaks. Mister Shevel, there are two men here to see you about a case. Mister Cohen and chief light foot running deer.
[00:23:58] Unknown:
I'll see the Indian first.
[00:24:01] Unknown:
You can go in now, mister Cohen.
[00:24:06] Unknown:
The cops have certainly got their hands full these days, full of fives, tens, twenties. I think of my pal, Lieutenant Abbott of the homicide squad. Abbott has been on the police force for twenty years. He knows which side his bread is buttered on. He could take any piece of bread and say this side is buttered.
[00:24:27] Unknown:
Sam, I'm on the trail
[00:24:30] Unknown:
hillbilly moonshiner, burglar. Lieutenant Abbott, I'll be glad to help you. What do you want? Well, you've seen Zeke. Give me a thumbnail description of him. Well, he uses liquid polish, and his tunic was pushed way back.
[00:24:44] Unknown:
Ma'am, I want you to go with me to the Ozarks. I've got to capture Zeke. It'll be a dangerous trip. Those hillbillies are strange people. They're always arguing, shooting, and farming. Yep. Shooting, fighting, and fertilizing. Come on, Sam. We're heading for the hill.
[00:25:07] Unknown:
Lieutenant Abbott and I arrived in the hillbilly country. Sam,
[00:25:10] Unknown:
these hillbillies are strange people, but you'll have to admit they're solid citizens. They've got both feet on the ground.
[00:25:17] Unknown:
They've got to have both feet on the ground. They don't wear shoes. I read in the papers for a 75 year old hillbilly. He wanted to marry a girl, nine years old. Did he marry her? Nope. His parents objected. They didn't want him marrying a girl who'd been divorced three times.
[00:25:36] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Sam. Here comes a bunch of hillbillies.
[00:25:40] Unknown:
Let's let's ask let's ask them if they know where Zeke is. Howdy, strangers. I'm Jim Hartfield. These here are my sons. I'm Sam Shovell, the detective, and this is Lieutenant Abbott. Boy, say hello to the strangers. Lem? No.
[00:25:55] Unknown:
Clem? Bert? Sir?
[00:26:01] Unknown:
Bert went to military school.
[00:26:09] Unknown:
I don't like the looks of these guys, Abbott. The skinny one has got an ear of corn and two pumpkins. So what? They're farmers and farmers have corn and pumpkins. Rolling out of their heads.
[00:26:20] Unknown:
Well, gotta go now. We're working on a farm.
[00:26:23] Unknown:
Two weeks ago, we dug a hole. Last week, we dropped the seed in it, and today,
[00:26:28] Unknown:
we're gonna cover it up. Do you always work that hard? Yep. Except when the weather gets bad, then it slows us up a little. So long.
[00:26:42] Unknown:
Boys that die lazy. If he was a chicken, eggs and television sets would be the same price.
[00:26:50] Unknown:
Never mind him, Sam. We've gotta find Zeke, the moonshiner. Hey. Look over there behind those bushes. There's Zeke's. There's Zeke, the moonshiner still. Come on.
[00:27:06] Unknown:
On. Hey. Look. Look. There's Zeke. He's making corn liquor. He's jumping up and down on the corn, crushing it. Hold on there, Zeke. We got you covered. You're under arrest.
[00:27:16] Unknown:
Stop mashing that corn with your feet. What are you doing?
[00:27:20] Unknown:
I'm making some 90 proof corn liquor, and tomorrow, I'm gonna make something that's a hundred proof. How do you do that? For that, I take off my shoes.
[00:27:31] Unknown:
Zeke, how do you make that corn liquor? Well, first, I mash up the corn,
[00:27:35] Unknown:
then I dump in a gallon of turpentine, then a gallon of Clorox, and two quarts of juniper juice.
[00:27:43] Unknown:
Don't you put no alcohol in it? Why?
[00:27:46] Unknown:
Ruin the taste?
[00:27:52] Unknown:
Jake, we're taking you to jail. Sam, grab some of that moonshine for evidence. You better taste it to make sure we got the right stuff. Lieutenant Abbott, you know I never touched the stuff.
[00:28:02] Unknown:
Sir, you're a brave detective. He Sam Shevly. Guard your coward, taste it. That stuff will grow hair on your chest. He's only kidding, Sam. Go ahead and taste it. Okay.
[00:28:23] Unknown:
Sam.
[00:28:26] Unknown:
Sam. Speak to me, Sam. Don't stand, Lieutenant. Call a bobber. This hair is so thick, I can't see where I'm going.
[00:28:40] Unknown:
Now before Abbott and Costello have their final play, we bring you one more thought on this subject.
[00:29:51] Unknown:
Well, Castello, why don't you tell the folks about, your next week's Sam's Shovel story? Folks, my Sam's Shovel story takes place in the chewing gum factory. I call it the case of the beautiful blonde who fell into a vat of soft gum or there's good chews tonight.
[00:30:06] Unknown:
Yes. And our writers are working on the case right now. Our writing staff is headed by Eddie Forman with Paul Cotton, Pat Costello,
[00:30:13] Unknown:
Martin Ragaway, and Len Stern. And our producers, Charles Bender. Be sure to be with us next Thursday night. Good night, Paul. Hi, everybody. It's Madison. Good night. I come on? Egg me up the mic, up the card. Thank you, Bob.
[00:30:29] Unknown:
Listen each Thursday night at this time for another great Abbott and Costello show produced, and transcribed in Hollywood. Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station.
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Lucky Land Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? Lucky? In line at the deli, I guess? In my dentist office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never win in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com.
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[00:01:02] Unknown:
Hey, Abbott. What time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show.
[00:01:23] Unknown:
Yes. It's the Abbott and Costello Show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure with chuckles with a carload and music by Maddie Malnick. So hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
[00:01:49] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. Alright. Cut out that yelling. What's all the excitement?
[00:01:53] Unknown:
Well, I went to a party last night. I bet there were 30 girls here. Now one of them would dance with me or even talk to me. You didn't have any fun then? No. I was as lonesome as Fed Ellen on Sunday night.
[00:02:03] Unknown:
I thought you were such a big shot with the girls. I don't believe you ever had a girl. Oh, yes. I did, Abbot. I had a very beautiful little blonde once, and everything was swell until one day she ran off to Florida. She married a guy, and now she has five children. After that, we just sort of drifted apart. She had no
[00:02:21] Unknown:
Why don't you speak to my wife, Lou? She's a nice No. No. Your wife don't like me, Abbot. Well, if you hang around with her, why you'll find me. You eventually get into her skin. Well, I guess one more lump won't hurt her.
[00:02:34] Unknown:
How can you talk that way about my wife? Remember the first night you met her? Yes. The minute she walked in the room, I said, there's either an ugly woman or a good looking man.
[00:02:45] Unknown:
Pastel, you know, you're getting more stupid every day.
[00:02:48] Unknown:
Gee, thanks, Abbot. I'm glad to know I'm not stagnating. Okay.
[00:03:00] Unknown:
Before the boys get any further involved in nonsense, here's a thought that makes good sense.
[00:04:23] Unknown:
Alright, Gusto. Stop that howling. What's that thing you've got under your arm? That's my new Harry Truman rifle. The Harry Truman rifle? Yes. A 48 repeater.
[00:04:39] Unknown:
What happened to you last night? I called your house and you weren't home. Well, I went to the movies, Abbot. I saw one of those old time pictures. It was all about the Romans. They had a chariot race in it, and it was won by a guy named Ben Hymn. Yeah.
[00:04:50] Unknown:
You dummy. You mean Ben Hymn, not him, Hymn.
[00:04:53] Unknown:
They were all dressed up in a bed sheets. You couldn't tell the hymns from the
[00:05:00] Unknown:
Well, if you'd gone to school, Lou, you'd you'd known the story of Ben Hur. Did you go to school, Evelyn? Oh, certainly. Oh, certainly. I started in nursery school, then I went to kindergarten. So what? I started in nursery school. I went to kindergarten. And I went from kindergarten to grammar school. So what? I went to kindergarten to grammar school. I went from grammar school to high school. You think it'll be as short as a meatball this summer? Now tell her you've got the brain of a monkey.
[00:05:22] Unknown:
I'll bet you have not. Yeah. When do you wanna bet? 15 bananas. Trying to insinuate that I'm ignorant? Abbott, you're enough of a Hollywood character. Oh, what's a Hollywood character? A jerk with a personality. I'll ignore that remark because of your ignorance. Who's who who who's ignorant? That. When I went to school, I specialized in history. I can name off all the most important dates in history. Alright. Go ahead. Name some important dates. Oh, I will. There's, fourteen ninety two, seventy seventy six, eighteen twelve, nineteen seventeen, Rita Haywood. Now wait a minute. Wait a minute.
[00:05:57] Unknown:
Rita Haywood is not an important date. Ali Khan seems to think so. Tatula, why don't you listen to me? Take my advice once in a while. I'm your friend. I realize you're not a that you're an idiot. I want to assist you, Lou. What good can you do me? You're just an assistant to an idiot. Well, just look at who your your dumpy is. Now just Now just just
[00:06:22] Unknown:
go hold of it. Why do you hold hold it? What do you have? I go for so much and that's all. Now it's not my fault that I didn't grow tall like the other boys. When I was a little boy over in Scotland, I used to play the bagpipes, but it gave me pneumonia.
[00:06:35] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Now look. Wait a minute.
[00:06:39] Unknown:
How could playing the bagpipes give you pneumonia? There was a leak in the bag, and the air kept blowing up my kilts. Instead of wearing a whisk broom in front of my kilts like the rest of the Scotsman, I had to wear a hot water bottle.
[00:06:56] Unknown:
You must have had a very poor childhood, Justinella.
[00:06:58] Unknown:
I did have it. We were very poor. My mother had to work and she had to take and wash it. She had to scrub off his floor. She worked like a she worked as a blacksmith. She drove an oil truck. And one time for three years, she worked in a daytime as as a waitress and worked at night in a coal mine. What what what did your father do? He kept the books. He kept Well, I guess you had a pretty tough time when you were a kid. Yes. I'll never forget the day my mother made my first pair of long pants. It had 12 buttons down the back and four pockets in the front.
[00:07:27] Unknown:
Well, what she make them out of? My father's old vest.
[00:07:31] Unknown:
I was the only kid. I was the only kid in school that had a watch bop hanging from my knee. Were you very popular with the other kids in school, Lou? Oh, I was a pitcher on a baseball team. What a pitcher I was. I had a drop ball, a slow ball, a curve ball. Did did you have a screwball? That was before I met you, Ed. Yeah. Dummy, you ought to be back in school right now. For your information, Abbot, I'm keeping steady company with a red headed school teacher. What does she teach? She has a high school class of men all over 40 years old. 40 year old man. Why don't they go to college? Well, she can still teach them. There's nothing else to learn.
[00:08:08] Unknown:
Running around with a school teacher? Why don't you find a nice girl and get married? I'm going to have it as soon as I get some money. Money. Money. Money. Money. Money. Gastel, don't worry about money. Do you realize what money is? Money is the root of all evil. Money is an invention of the devil. Money is filthy lucre. Money causes misery. Money. That's what I think of money.
[00:08:29] Unknown:
May the Bank of America have mercy on your soul.
[00:08:42] Unknown:
Castelli, you don't need money. What you need is the love of a good woman. Find another girl like my wife, Betty. You mean there's another girl like your wife, Betty? Castelli, I love my wife. My Betty's a real cookie. Your wife is a cookie? That's right.
[00:08:58] Unknown:
Abbott, you just said baking back twenty years.
[00:09:04] Unknown:
You'd be lucky to get a girl like my wife. My Betty is always straight from the shoulder. Well, what's a girl that's straight from the shoulder? I like the girl that curves.
[00:09:16] Unknown:
Oh, Uncle Bud. Uncle Bud. Something terrible just happened to me. And this is really his uncle Bud, and this is the nephew. We don't kid about it. He's got to work. Abbott's nephew. Pay attention to what he says, folks. This may be his last performance.
[00:09:36] Unknown:
What is it that Norman nephew Norman,
[00:09:39] Unknown:
why are you so excited? Well, bud, when I was coming through the pass in the mountains, a mountain lion jumped right in the car beside me.
[00:09:46] Unknown:
Yes. Then what happened? The lion killed me. Wait a minute, Norman. You're not dead. Stop crying. You're working on the Evan Costello show. You're still living.
[00:10:00] Unknown:
You call this living?
[00:10:07] Unknown:
Really though, Cecilia, there goes a brilliant boy. His brain is on a slow boat to the Mayo brothers.
[00:10:14] Unknown:
Now you lay out Norman. He's a very intelligent boy. He's always studying reading. It wouldn't hurt you to do a little reading once in a while. Oh, I have but I do plenty of reading. When I was seven years old, I started my first book, Little Red Riding Hood. I rented it from the library.
[00:10:26] Unknown:
It's the last time I'll ever read a book from the library. Well, didn't you, like Little Red Riding Hood? Have it up to now? I owe that library $2,800
[00:10:34] Unknown:
and a Little Red Riding Hood has yet to meet the wolf.
[00:10:40] Unknown:
Little Red Riding Hood. Why don't you read some of the newer books? I just bought Gypsy Rose Lee's new book. It's a story of her life. What does Gypsy Rose Lee call her new book? The Lake and I.
[00:10:52] Unknown:
Why don't you read something educational? I am, Adam. I just bought a book on inventions. It tells all about new gadgets. I bought one yesterday for my aunt May. What kind of a gadget did you buy for your aunt May? It's a new girl. It's made from surplus paratroopers harness, and it's a handy little thing. At night, she doesn't have to undress. She doesn't? No. She just jumps off the top of the dresser and pulls a rip cord.
[00:11:12] Unknown:
That's ridiculous.
[00:11:13] Unknown:
But, hey, I understand you're working on some kind of a silly invention yourself. And my invention is all finished too, Abbott. It's a new kind of perfume, and all the girls in Hollywood are gonna go crazy about it. All the girls in Hollywood are going crazy about your perfume. Why? Smells like money. I gave a bottle of it to my aunt May. Boy, did it make her popular. Mhmm. You're right. May was never popular. So back in Paterson, New Jersey, she was so popular. Every guy in town used to drink champagne out of her slipper. And what did it get her? She's got the only big toe in the world that belongs to Alcoholics Anonymous.
[00:11:54] Unknown:
Mister, what's going on here? It's this darn kid of mine. He won't eat a spinach. Junior, you've gotta eat the spinach. Why ain't you gonna do it? I don't like spinach. When you reach your spinach or Saturday, I'll make you go to see Abbott and Costello's picture. Mexican hayride. No. No. You can't do that to me. I'll leave my spinach with you. My father can't do that.
[00:12:24] Unknown:
Abba, I'd let you take that kid over to Santa Anita Saturday. What for? I wanna drop him in a claiming race.
[00:12:31] Unknown:
Oh, hello, boy. Hey. Look, Castello. It's Viola.
[00:12:35] Unknown:
Viola, you look very lovely tonight. Viola, I understand that you and Costello had a date last night. Where'd you go? Well, Costello had a terrible time making up his mind where to take me. Well, you see, I was trying to make up my mind between Cyril's and the Macambo. But we finally went
[00:12:51] Unknown:
where?
[00:12:52] Unknown:
To a hamburger stand between Syro's and the Macambo.
[00:12:57] Unknown:
Well, don't you worry, Viola. After we're married, things will be different. We'll have lots of little ones, and they'll all look like me.
[00:13:03] Unknown:
Oh, gee. I'd always planned on having children.
[00:13:10] Unknown:
I'd planned on having a few laughs here. Are you sure you're reading the same script?
[00:13:16] Unknown:
Lou, you shouldn't be jealous of me. I I don't wanna be a comedian. I don't wanna make people laugh. Okay. Then you read my lines.
[00:13:25] Unknown:
Costello, you can't be funny without me. You need me. Why, where would Edgar Bergen be without Shelly McCaughey? Where would Amos be without Andy? That's true. Certainly. One thing goes with the another. Like Dorothy Lamour, where would she be without without her sarong? I don't know, but I sure would like to be there.
[00:13:45] Unknown:
Crustella, I I think you're girl crazy. I'm not the girl for you. But, Viola, you can't leave me. What would I do without you? Uh-huh. Don't worry about that. I'll fix you up with a girlfriend of mine. Oh, you'll be just crazy about this girl. When she meets you, she'll rush over and she'll throw her arms around you like this. Yes. And she'll squeeze you like this. Yes. And and she'll she'll kiss you like this and this and this and this. There. Now what do you think of that?
[00:14:18] Unknown:
When am I gonna meet this girl?
[00:14:27] Unknown:
Viola, why don't you take pity on Castello and marry him? Then you'll be known as missus Louis g Castello.
[00:14:34] Unknown:
G? Oh, what does the g stand for, Castello? Don't you tell her of it.
[00:14:40] Unknown:
Come on now. What does it stand for? George? No. I don't wanna tell you. Wanna tell you. Oh, come on, Costello. What does the g stand for? Oh, do I have to tell you? Yes. Stands for Gloria. Gloria. Yes. My mother always wanted a girl, and my father didn't have the heart to tell her.
[00:15:04] Unknown:
Layla, why don't you pick Ed Casdell and come to the movies tonight and see our latest picture, Mexican Hayride? Oh, thanks, bud. But I I saw the picture already. Oh, you did? Tell me. How did you like my acting?
[00:15:15] Unknown:
Well, it was Mhmm. I I'd say Mhmm. Well well, let me put it this way. Sure. You know how Ben Johnson has that dramatic touch? Oh, yes. And how Clark Gable has that forceful personality? Yes. And how Gregory Peck gives that little artistic extra something?
[00:15:34] Unknown:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But but but what about me?
[00:15:37] Unknown:
Costello, can you drive a taxi cab?
[00:15:40] Unknown:
Oh, now get this girl out of here. Will you? Come on.
[00:15:50] Unknown:
That's only half the fun, folks. Just as many laughs yet to come. But first, listen to this.
[00:17:04] Unknown:
And now the spotlight turns to Howl Winters' art singing star. Here he is with Malie Malnik and his orchestra.
[00:17:15] Unknown:
I caught you, sir, having a look at her as she went strolling by. Now didn't your heart beat? Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, and then you sigh a sigh. I warn you, sir. Don't start to dream of her. Just bid such thoughts be gone. Or it'll be boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, from then on. For once in love with Amy, always in love with Amy. Ever and ever fascinated by her sets your heart afire to stay. Once you're kissed by Amy, tear up your list, Amy. Fly her with bonbons, poetry, and flowers, noon a million hours away.
You might be quite the fickle hearted rover, so carefree and bold, who loves a girl and later thinks it over and just quits cold on bloods in love with Amy. Always in love with Amy. Ever and ever, sweetly, you'll romance her. Trouble is the answer will be that Amy grab a stay in love with me.
[00:19:29] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. Come here. How did you get your clothes so dirty? Just just look at your coat. It's torn and your shirt is ripped and, Eddie, my poor lebbit. Right. I was out on one of my Sam's shovel detective cases last night. I investigated a robbery at the fraternity house in UCLA, but I miscalculated. Got into one of the girl's dormitories.
[00:19:46] Unknown:
How did you manage to do that? By careful miscalculation.
[00:19:52] Unknown:
Pascal, instead of running around nights on those silly same shovel cases, you should stay home. Oh, I do stay home a lot of it. Every night last week, I stayed home. I cleaned the house. I got a terrible serving problem. I find it very difficult to hold a maid. Now what makes it so difficult My
[00:20:07] Unknown:
mother keeps walking in the room.
[00:20:10] Unknown:
Yeah. Never mind that. I understand I understand you took your brother, Pat, to the movies last night. Yes. But I ain't taking Pat to the movies no more. He acts very strange. The minute we got into the movie, Pac put his hat under the seat. What's strange about that? Once the men put their, their hat under the seat. While their head is still in it.
[00:20:28] Unknown:
Oh, talk sense. Hey. Wait a minute. Come here. What is that big manuscript you're carrying under your arm? Well, I didn't wanna tell you, but it's a book that I wrote. A book you wrote? It's the first chapter.
[00:20:38] Unknown:
The hero is threatened by a mad doctor who tries to remove his head. In the second chapter, he meets a demented butcher who tries to put him in a meat grinder. Then it ends where three maniacs tied to a tree and a squad in a wild woodpeckers peck holes in them, but nobody wants to publish it. Why not? I guess people are sick of them mushy love stories. What is your Sam shovel, detective story about tonight? Well, tonight, I do one of my most famous cases. I call it the case of the photographer who was stuck up in a dark room or he was caught with his prints down.
[00:21:11] Unknown:
Well, it sounds terrible, but let's
[00:21:20] Unknown:
do it. Now the makers of Bebop Bubble Bath present the adventures of Sam Shovel Private Detective. But first, a word about our product, Bebop Bubble Band. Friends, would you like bubbles in your bathtub? You would? Well, why not call up Bubbles and see if she needs a bath? Babies try bebop bubble bath. We don't ask you to buy the large size, mind you. Just try a trial size package. It contains a seven year supply. You'll find that if you use bebop bubble bath every day for seven years, you'll have skin just like a baby, a baby alligator.
Listen to what people all over the country are saying about Bebop Bubble Bath in Kansas. Give Give me Bebop Bubble Bass. In New Jersey. Give me Bebop Bubble Bass. In Oregon. Give me Bebop Bubble Bass. In Virginia.
[00:22:16] Unknown:
Give me liberty or give me justice.
[00:22:22] Unknown:
Patrick Henry never gives up. And now the makers of Bebop Bubble Bath bring you your favorite thriller mystery. Here he is, Sam Shovell, private detective.
[00:22:41] Unknown:
As I'm Sam shovel, Sam shovel, private detective. The detective business has been money slow lately. Last night having nothing to do, I went to a big public library, burned my nose in a book. This morning, I had a heck of a job finding it. I forgot what book I buried it in. Here comes my secretary now. Did you call me, mister Shuffle? Don't be silly. Why should I call you mister Shuffle? My name is mister Shuffle. By the way, miss Jones, did you find the file on a crook, Joe Kirk? What's his name? Who? Joe Kirk. Never heard of him. Miss Jones, you and I have got to work late in the office tonight. Are you prepared? Oh, yes. I brought my brass knuckles, my fencing mask, and a baseball bat.
Clever girl. She's so stylish. She was voted one of the 10 best dressed women in Azusa. That's not so remarkable when you consider there's only nine other women in Azusa. Suddenly, the interoffice communication system buzzes.
[00:23:49] Unknown:
It's my secretary. She speaks. Mister Shevel, there are two men here to see you about a case. Mister Cohen and chief light foot running deer.
[00:23:58] Unknown:
I'll see the Indian first.
[00:24:01] Unknown:
You can go in now, mister Cohen.
[00:24:06] Unknown:
The cops have certainly got their hands full these days, full of fives, tens, twenties. I think of my pal, Lieutenant Abbott of the homicide squad. Abbott has been on the police force for twenty years. He knows which side his bread is buttered on. He could take any piece of bread and say this side is buttered.
[00:24:27] Unknown:
Sam, I'm on the trail
[00:24:30] Unknown:
hillbilly moonshiner, burglar. Lieutenant Abbott, I'll be glad to help you. What do you want? Well, you've seen Zeke. Give me a thumbnail description of him. Well, he uses liquid polish, and his tunic was pushed way back.
[00:24:44] Unknown:
Ma'am, I want you to go with me to the Ozarks. I've got to capture Zeke. It'll be a dangerous trip. Those hillbillies are strange people. They're always arguing, shooting, and farming. Yep. Shooting, fighting, and fertilizing. Come on, Sam. We're heading for the hill.
[00:25:07] Unknown:
Lieutenant Abbott and I arrived in the hillbilly country. Sam,
[00:25:10] Unknown:
these hillbillies are strange people, but you'll have to admit they're solid citizens. They've got both feet on the ground.
[00:25:17] Unknown:
They've got to have both feet on the ground. They don't wear shoes. I read in the papers for a 75 year old hillbilly. He wanted to marry a girl, nine years old. Did he marry her? Nope. His parents objected. They didn't want him marrying a girl who'd been divorced three times.
[00:25:36] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Sam. Here comes a bunch of hillbillies.
[00:25:40] Unknown:
Let's let's ask let's ask them if they know where Zeke is. Howdy, strangers. I'm Jim Hartfield. These here are my sons. I'm Sam Shovell, the detective, and this is Lieutenant Abbott. Boy, say hello to the strangers. Lem? No.
[00:25:55] Unknown:
Clem? Bert? Sir?
[00:26:01] Unknown:
Bert went to military school.
[00:26:09] Unknown:
I don't like the looks of these guys, Abbott. The skinny one has got an ear of corn and two pumpkins. So what? They're farmers and farmers have corn and pumpkins. Rolling out of their heads.
[00:26:20] Unknown:
Well, gotta go now. We're working on a farm.
[00:26:23] Unknown:
Two weeks ago, we dug a hole. Last week, we dropped the seed in it, and today,
[00:26:28] Unknown:
we're gonna cover it up. Do you always work that hard? Yep. Except when the weather gets bad, then it slows us up a little. So long.
[00:26:42] Unknown:
Boys that die lazy. If he was a chicken, eggs and television sets would be the same price.
[00:26:50] Unknown:
Never mind him, Sam. We've gotta find Zeke, the moonshiner. Hey. Look over there behind those bushes. There's Zeke's. There's Zeke, the moonshiner still. Come on.
[00:27:06] Unknown:
On. Hey. Look. Look. There's Zeke. He's making corn liquor. He's jumping up and down on the corn, crushing it. Hold on there, Zeke. We got you covered. You're under arrest.
[00:27:16] Unknown:
Stop mashing that corn with your feet. What are you doing?
[00:27:20] Unknown:
I'm making some 90 proof corn liquor, and tomorrow, I'm gonna make something that's a hundred proof. How do you do that? For that, I take off my shoes.
[00:27:31] Unknown:
Zeke, how do you make that corn liquor? Well, first, I mash up the corn,
[00:27:35] Unknown:
then I dump in a gallon of turpentine, then a gallon of Clorox, and two quarts of juniper juice.
[00:27:43] Unknown:
Don't you put no alcohol in it? Why?
[00:27:46] Unknown:
Ruin the taste?
[00:27:52] Unknown:
Jake, we're taking you to jail. Sam, grab some of that moonshine for evidence. You better taste it to make sure we got the right stuff. Lieutenant Abbott, you know I never touched the stuff.
[00:28:02] Unknown:
Sir, you're a brave detective. He Sam Shevly. Guard your coward, taste it. That stuff will grow hair on your chest. He's only kidding, Sam. Go ahead and taste it. Okay.
[00:28:23] Unknown:
Sam.
[00:28:26] Unknown:
Sam. Speak to me, Sam. Don't stand, Lieutenant. Call a bobber. This hair is so thick, I can't see where I'm going.
[00:28:40] Unknown:
Now before Abbott and Costello have their final play, we bring you one more thought on this subject.
[00:29:51] Unknown:
Well, Castello, why don't you tell the folks about, your next week's Sam's Shovel story? Folks, my Sam's Shovel story takes place in the chewing gum factory. I call it the case of the beautiful blonde who fell into a vat of soft gum or there's good chews tonight.
[00:30:06] Unknown:
Yes. And our writers are working on the case right now. Our writing staff is headed by Eddie Forman with Paul Cotton, Pat Costello,
[00:30:13] Unknown:
Martin Ragaway, and Len Stern. And our producers, Charles Bender. Be sure to be with us next Thursday night. Good night, Paul. Hi, everybody. It's Madison. Good night. I come on? Egg me up the mic, up the card. Thank you, Bob.
[00:30:29] Unknown:
Listen each Thursday night at this time for another great Abbott and Costello show produced, and transcribed in Hollywood. Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station.
