In this lively episode, we dive into the comedic world of Abbott and Costello, exploring their humorous take on everyday situations and family dynamics. From Uncle Mike's eccentric inventions and Aunt May's peculiar habits to the hilarious antics of Costello's family, the episode is filled with laughter and classic comedy routines. We also get a glimpse into Costello's romantic misadventures and his interactions with the charming Viola Vaughn, adding a touch of romance to the comedic chaos.
Additionally, the episode features a humorous detective story with Sam Shovell, a private detective navigating a world of quirky characters and absurd situations. With Lieutenant Abbott by his side, Sam Shovell encounters everything from bank heists to foreign spies, all while maintaining his signature wit and humor. This episode is a delightful mix of slapstick comedy, witty dialogue, and timeless humor that showcases the comedic genius of Abbott and Costello.
(00:00) Introduction and Winning Moves
(01:00) Abbott and Costello's Comedy Skit
(04:38) Family Antics and Misadventures
(10:01) Costello's Romantic Escapades
(14:00) Sam Shovel: The Detective's Tale
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chamba Casino. At chambacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:30] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. PGW, point where prohibited by law. See terms and conditions, 18 plus. Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring. A laundry?
[00:00:37] Unknown:
Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:42] Unknown:
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[00:01:01] Unknown:
The Abbott and Costello Show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure with Chuckles with a carload, music by Mattie Malvin. So hold on to your chairs, folks. Here we are. Put Abbott and woo Costello. Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. What's all the excitement about? What what what what happened, Lou? Well, Uncle Mike discovered gold on his ranch. Well, good for Uncle Mike. Yeah. He's sending to Europe for some Englishmen with shovels. He's sending for Englishmen with shovels. What for? He figures England will wanna borrow the gold sooner or later, and they might just as well come over here and help dig it up. Oh, let's face it, Costello. Your uncle Mike is a moron.
Oh, no. He's not. No? He's gonna be a great scientist someday. Right now, he's working on a new insecticide. He he is? Yes. Last week, he got out of his notebooks and locked himself in his laboratory with 10,000 mosquitoes. He released the mosquitoes and was gonna write down the mosquitoes' behavior. Then what did he write? Nothing. He was so busy scratching, he didn't have time to write. Just as I thought, he's as big and men can poop as you. No. He's not. Right now, he's crossing a rubber plant with a banana. What does he expect to get? A girdle you can slide into. You know, your whole family are jerks.
By the way, what was that silly looking thing on the radiator of your car this afternoon? Well, you see, I can't afford a radiator cap, so I trained my little dog to sit on the radiator. Your your dog sits on the radiator? Mhmm. Does he bark much? Only when it boils over. Well, I gotta leave you now, Evan. I I got a job as a babysitter. You a babysitter? Yep. Is it babysitters or girls? Well, what's wrong with the man? My uncle Jim Kelly was a sitter. He isn't around anymore, though. He isn't. What happened? While he was sitting, the warden pulled the switch. Oh, get him out. And there'll be much more of that terrific Abbot and Costello humor in a few seconds.
I love you. I love you. I think if he take it, what are you so excited about? Calm down. What's the matter? I'm worried, Abbot. What do you mean? My my Aunt May is in terrible shape. Well, what's the matter with her? She's got hallucinations. She thinks she's a taxicab. She thinks she's a taxicab? Yeah. Why doesn't uncle Mike call a doctor? Why should he? She gets him to work faster than the sunset bus. How long has uncle Mike and aunt May been married, Lou? Well, it's just twenty years since he went on a honeymoon. Aunt May went to Niagara Falls, and uncle Mike went to Miami. Wait a minute. You mean they weren't together on their honeymoon? No. Uncle Mike said that our honeymoon is the happiest time of your life. And why let marriage spoil it? Well, it's wonderful to think that your your aunt and your uncle Mike have been married for twenty years. Yeah. Yeah.
But really, Abbott, what's wonderful about it? Uncle Mike thought she loved him, but for the whole twenty years, she hated him. Hated them like poison. And now they have 17 children. Wait a minute. She hated them. Why did they have 17 children? Well, it was her idea. She was just trying to lose them in a crowd. Is that me, mean doing low? Well, she beats him up all the time. He wouldn't mind if it wasn't for the children. The children? Yeah. They beat him too. Right. He must be really handbags. Yes. He is. She tried to keep in the house every night. Saturday, when he started to take his bath, she put six boxes of Jell O on the top so it gets stuck. Luckily, it was raspberry, and he ate his way out.
I don't have a very happy home life, do they, though? No. No. Saturday night, uncle Mike played Pinochle all afternoon, and when he came home at 06:00, there was no dinner on the table. Well, where was your aunt May? Down at the bowling alley. She's down there seven days a week. Well, that's a shame. Yep. Uncle Mike should have never got her that job set and pinned. Well, fuck. Wasn't your uncle Mike married once before? Yeah. But his first wife passed away. Well, now that's too bad. Uncle Mike had such a tough time collecting the insurance that sometimes he almost wishes she hasn't died. What did your uncle Mike do before he got married, Lou? Well, he was quite a Romeo, Abbott. For two years, he carried a torch for a girl in Pennsylvania. He carried a torch for a girl in Pennsylvania? He was a coal miner, and it gets pretty dark in those tunnels.
Didn't he ever work for a living? Sure. He had a job in a canned soup factory. He was in the chicken soup division. He was a dragger. Now wait a minute. What was the duties of a dragger in a canned soup factory? Very simple. When a 1,000 gallon tank of hot water was ready, he'd drag a chicken through it. Well, I had it. It's no wonder your aunt may fight with uncle Mike. Yeah. You should've seen aunt May's Sunday night, Abbot. She was so mad at Mike that she said she was gonna pack her suitcases and leave him forever. Now he's really worried. He is? Yep. She ain't even started to pack her suitcases yet. I bought a couple of the, I just am a bad looking guy, but I can't see what he ever saw in your aunt made. She was very popular in Patterson when she was a young girl. She was? Yes. The Patterson Electric and Power Company voted her miss alternating current of 1915.
Priscilla, that's about the year you were born back in Patterson, isn't it? Yes. I'm Patterson's favorite son. What do you mean? Just last week, the people of Patterson directed a statue in the very spot where I was born. The spot where you were born? Where was that? Right in the middle of the Greyhound bus depot. You have gone right in the middle of the Greyhound bus depot? It was raining, and my mother couldn't get a taxi. Now tell me, you pop. I got an infant poop. Tell me. Does your whole family suffer from stupidity? Indeed not. They enjoy every minute of it.
Hey there, Costello. I wanna talk to you. Mister, do I owe you any money? No. Mm-mm. Did I ever give you a tip on any of any of my horses? No. Have you got a red headed sister in Chicago? No. Okay. Go ahead and talk to me. Do you give away prizes on this program? Can I win a refrigerator or something? Nope. Well, goodbye. I've gotta go hurry over to the gangbusters radio show. Last week, I got a hundred and $64 on that program. Wait a minute. Gangbusters don't give away anything. Oh, I forgot to tell you. I'm a pickpocket too. Now I know where I saw that guy, Abbot. It was the thirtieth anniversary party, yours. Remember you had a swimming pool filled up with bourbon? Yeah. The whole swimming pool was filled with bourbon. What fun? Yes. I never saw so many people going down for the third time with smiles on their face.
Well, never mind that. The hometown is talking about my anniversary party. Didn't my wife didn't my wife Betty look beautiful? I'm very proud of my wife. Every man in town was fighting over, but I got her. Abbott, you didn't fight hard enough. My wife is a beautiful woman. She hasn't got a wrinkle in her face.
[00:09:55] Unknown:
She hasn't, Then what are those things? Dents.
[00:10:01] Unknown:
Cicella, you know nothing about women. I don't even know why I even discussed the subject of women with you. Well, it's not my fault on it. I live a very sheltered life. Then I met a lovely little redhead, and I learned about women from her. You did? I'll never forget our first date. We sat on the riverbank in the moonlight.
[00:10:17] Unknown:
She moved closer to me, then I moved closer to her. Then the moon went behind a cloud, then it happened. Why? She let me tighten the string on her ukulele.
[00:10:29] Unknown:
Oh, hey. Didn't she kiss you, Lou? Yes. Did you did you like it? Oh, boy. How how does it make you feel? How does it make me feel? Yeah. Did you ever stand on a hot buttered waffle and have somebody pour maple syrup down your spine? How how did you get along with her, Lou? Oh, good. The second time we had a date, I took her sightseeing on a bus. Rubberneck?
[00:10:56] Unknown:
No. But I tickled her a little.
[00:11:03] Unknown:
Hello, boys. Hey. Look. Estell was our secretary, Viola Vaughn. Well, Viola Vaughn. That's my line, Lou. Take it. Well, Viola Vaughn. I understand you bought a new car. How do you like driving in California? Well, it would be. That's your explain.
[00:11:23] Unknown:
It would be alright if it weren't for the pedestrian. What's wrong with the California pedestrians? Well, I was driving down here tonight, and one of them whizzed right past my windshield. A dirty coward was pole vaulting across the street.
[00:11:41] Unknown:
Sweet devils, ain't they? Viola, why don't you take me for a ride down the beach tonight? I should say not. Costello. Viola's only kidding. She she really likes you, but you've got to do something to show that you like her. That's right, Costello.
[00:11:55] Unknown:
Do something brave. Do something brave. Uh-huh. I know what I'll do. I'll join the army and help fight the British. We're not fighting the British. That's all the better. That way nobody can get hurt.
[00:12:06] Unknown:
Costello, you know, you've been acting kind of clear lately. Wait a minute. Come to think of it, you're right, Viola. Yesterday afternoon, I saw him sitting up in a tree in Griffith Park. Costello.
[00:12:17] Unknown:
What were you doing up in that tree? Signing autographs.
[00:12:23] Unknown:
Signing autographs? Yes. The Robins thought I was Woody Woodpecker.
[00:12:37] Unknown:
So, Stella, here's another thing. Why can why do you always carry an umbrella on your arm? Why don't you get a girl on your arm? You know, a girl is much nicer than an umbrella. Oh, I don't know, kiddo.
[00:12:51] Unknown:
When you're through with a girl, can you fold her up and hang her in a closet? Why, you simple minded, no good, low downer. Now now now just a minute, mister Abbott.
[00:13:05] Unknown:
Have you ever stopped to consider that Costello's reasoning capacity and his functional capabilities for logical delineation are coordinated, comprehensive, and negligible? Is it is it compulsory to you to abuse this poor moronic social incompetent simply because the poor slob doesn't possess the mental capacity of an imbecile? But the owner Just a minute, Abbot.
[00:13:26] Unknown:
You've had this coming to you for a long time. At a minute, continue. Hello? What a snob I am. Leo, I Hey. Leo, I can't help it if pastel is stupid. Who's stupid? I wanna say something, but I'm always studying, always reading. I just finished a book called When Frankenstein Leaks the Wolfman in Dracula's Garden Where the Spider Woman Killed the Cat Girl. What's the story about? Two bums living in the La Brea Tarfitz.
[00:14:01] Unknown:
Well, I I've gotta go now, boys. I'm taking my painting lesson. Do you paint? Oh, yes. I draw birds with charcoal. I paint flowers in watercolor. What do you do in oil? Fried potatoes.
[00:14:16] Unknown:
No. Abacus, a girl going places? Yes. Yes, sir. And if she hurry, she can be the first one in line to collect her unemployment insurance. I'll get that. You just started taking piano lessons. I you know, and so ever since you started playing the part of Sam Shuffle, private detective, you've got your nose in everybody's business. You've been as busy as an ant. Ants are busy? Certainly. Then why are they always going to picnics? When you talk, Stan, Stan, what what is that letter you have in your hand? Well, Abbott, it's another fan letter. Listen to this. Dear Lou Costello, a Sam Shovelly detective, you are the greatest thing on radio. I love your show, but my wife won't listen to it. She said she needs you like she needs a hole in her head. I'm sending her to see you tonight. Mhmm. Mister Costello, there's a lady to see you. What does she look like? She's like a short pack.
Oh, never mind. What is your Sam Shovell detective story for tonight, Luke? I think I'll do one of my old Western cases. I'd call up the Kenshin general who opened up a drive in and was caught selling horse meat or Custer's last hamburger stand. Well, while you're talking, let's do it.
[00:15:41] Unknown:
I'm Sam Shovell, private detective. I remember my first case. Three eyed Maxie the murderer. He had three eyes. He was the only man in the world with twenty twenty twenty vision.
[00:15:56] Unknown:
And there was my second case,
[00:15:58] Unknown:
terrible Tony, the toughest gangster in Los Angeles. He was a bronze giant with muscles of steel and an iron fist. I had to shoot him. May he rest in peace. Fifteen years in the detective business takes a lot out of you, but I feel as strong and vigorous as the day I started. Right now, I could tear Superman in half, but I don't wanna ruin the rest of the paper. I feel kinda thirsty. I go to the sink. This Los Angeles water is getting hotter every day. I I glanced out of my window. There's the headquarters of the Republican Club. On the window, there's a sign GOP. I just found out what GOP means.
Gone out permanently. I looked down at my desk. There's my new wristwatch. My new wristwatch. It's a shockproof, non magnetic waterproof watch. The directions say don't take this watch out of the box. Fresh air ruins it.
[00:17:31] Unknown:
I think I'll give it to my secretary.
[00:17:34] Unknown:
What a secretary. She got the job the hard way. The hard way. She knew how to type. Right next to my watch is my shotgun. I decide to see if it's loaded. I pointed at the floor and pulled the trigger. I looked down at the floor. When did I buy open toe shoes? I reach in my coat pocket. Here's a wallet I found last night. I hope I can find the owner. I check I check to see what's in the wallet. Here's a card. If it's found, return to mister Nichols. Delmar Hotel. Here's a driver's license issued to mister Nichols. Delmar Hotel. Here's a birth certificate with the name Nichols.
Here's the pink slip for a new Hudson sedan issued to mister Nichols. Delmar Hotel. Well, here's $600 in cash. Looks like I'll have to keep the money. If that guy right, he should carry some identification. The name on the money is Washington. Now let me see. Oh, yes. It's about time for my pal, Lieutenant Abbott, of the homicide squad to show up. Abbott had a pretty tough week chasing crooks. Monday night, he was held up on Main Street. Tuesday night, he was held up on Broadway. Wednesday night, he was held up on Sunset Boulevard. If Abbott would stay out of those saloons, he wouldn't need anybody to hold him up. Lieutenant Abbott don't have to work.
He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.
[00:19:37] Unknown:
This was okay until he found out that all the other kids had tongues.
[00:19:46] Unknown:
It's not easy to be born with a silver spoon in your mouth. Up to the time Abbott was 19, all he could say was Rogers Brothers eighteen forty seven. Before he became a detective, Abbott was a motorcycle cop. He was the only cop on the force that had traffic eyes, real traffic eyes. They'd always look both ways before crossing each other. No matter what case lieutenant Abbott goes out on, he's never stuck.
[00:20:21] Unknown:
Hello. Sam Schuvel, private detective speaking. Hello, Sam. This is lieutenant Abbott. Sam, what time do the walls open in the block national bank? At 09:00 tomorrow morning. Not till 09:00 tomorrow morning. That's right, Lieutenant Abbott. You can't get in those vaults till 09:00 tomorrow morning. Who wants to get in? I'm trying to get out.
[00:20:45] Unknown:
Suddenly, my door opened.
[00:20:47] Unknown:
Same.
[00:20:48] Unknown:
Same. Same shovel. Was my pal, Lieutenant Abbott. He was scared to death. He was perspiring. He was sweating bullets. You too. Lieutenant Abbott, how'd you get out of that bank vault? Sam, I'll tell it to you all in a nutshell. Can't you tell it to me here? I don't think we both fit in a nutshell.
[00:21:22] Unknown:
Sam, I've been working on a series of bank burglaries. Monday night, the Kelly Gang held up the First National Bank. Tuesday, they held up the Second National Bank. Wednesday, they held up the Third National Bank. So tonight, I was waiting for them at the Fourth National Bank. And you caught them? Nah. Tonight, they held up the First National Bank again. Enough about myself. Enough about my trouble, Sam. Sam, you don't look good. What's the matter? I didn't get any sleep last night, lieutenant. A burglar climbed into my bedroom window and made me get out of bed. I stood there shivering in my long underwear.
Why didn't you holler for help? He had a gun, and I was afraid to open my trap. After the burglar left, I still couldn't get any sleep. I was worried about my brother, Pat. He kept poking his head into my room. Lots of guys poke their heads into their brother's rooms. On the end of a stick? Sam. Did you hear those shots? They came from the office next door. Who rents that office next door? An organization called the American Society of Patriotic Americans for the preservation of freedom in The United States of all and for all patriotic Americans. What do they do? They're foreign spies. I Sam.
Sam, look. It's the guy that did the shooting. He's coming in here. He's got a gun. Uh-huh. So this is the place I've been looking for. Where's Sam Shuffle, the private detective? What do you want with him? I'm gonna kill him. I hate radio detectives. I hate them all. The thin man, the fat, and the other queen. But most of all, I hate Sam Shuffle. I'm gonna gouge his eyes out of someone with lips. Now who are you? Oh, I am just an ordinary police. Honest, mister. I'm not a radio detective. And you?
[00:23:18] Unknown:
Who are you, fatso? Well, I'm, you know, it's,
[00:23:30] Unknown:
I'm, don't stand there, rabbit. Hand me my cookbook. Cookbook? Who are you? Don't you recognize me? Mary Margaret McBride. Oh, so you're the one that gives out those recipes, Mhmm. Mhmm. Well, if there's anything I hate worse than radio, just let them get those recipe programs. I'll kill them all.
[00:24:09] Unknown:
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[00:24:22] Unknown:
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It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chamba Casino. At chambacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:30] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. PGW, point where prohibited by law. See terms and conditions, 18 plus. Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring. A laundry?
[00:00:37] Unknown:
Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:00:42] Unknown:
Sorry. We were looking for Chumba Casino. Chumba. That's right. Chumbacasino.com has over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumbacasino.com.
[00:01:01] Unknown:
The Abbott and Costello Show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure with Chuckles with a carload, music by Mattie Malvin. So hold on to your chairs, folks. Here we are. Put Abbott and woo Costello. Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. What's all the excitement about? What what what what happened, Lou? Well, Uncle Mike discovered gold on his ranch. Well, good for Uncle Mike. Yeah. He's sending to Europe for some Englishmen with shovels. He's sending for Englishmen with shovels. What for? He figures England will wanna borrow the gold sooner or later, and they might just as well come over here and help dig it up. Oh, let's face it, Costello. Your uncle Mike is a moron.
Oh, no. He's not. No? He's gonna be a great scientist someday. Right now, he's working on a new insecticide. He he is? Yes. Last week, he got out of his notebooks and locked himself in his laboratory with 10,000 mosquitoes. He released the mosquitoes and was gonna write down the mosquitoes' behavior. Then what did he write? Nothing. He was so busy scratching, he didn't have time to write. Just as I thought, he's as big and men can poop as you. No. He's not. Right now, he's crossing a rubber plant with a banana. What does he expect to get? A girdle you can slide into. You know, your whole family are jerks.
By the way, what was that silly looking thing on the radiator of your car this afternoon? Well, you see, I can't afford a radiator cap, so I trained my little dog to sit on the radiator. Your your dog sits on the radiator? Mhmm. Does he bark much? Only when it boils over. Well, I gotta leave you now, Evan. I I got a job as a babysitter. You a babysitter? Yep. Is it babysitters or girls? Well, what's wrong with the man? My uncle Jim Kelly was a sitter. He isn't around anymore, though. He isn't. What happened? While he was sitting, the warden pulled the switch. Oh, get him out. And there'll be much more of that terrific Abbot and Costello humor in a few seconds.
I love you. I love you. I think if he take it, what are you so excited about? Calm down. What's the matter? I'm worried, Abbot. What do you mean? My my Aunt May is in terrible shape. Well, what's the matter with her? She's got hallucinations. She thinks she's a taxicab. She thinks she's a taxicab? Yeah. Why doesn't uncle Mike call a doctor? Why should he? She gets him to work faster than the sunset bus. How long has uncle Mike and aunt May been married, Lou? Well, it's just twenty years since he went on a honeymoon. Aunt May went to Niagara Falls, and uncle Mike went to Miami. Wait a minute. You mean they weren't together on their honeymoon? No. Uncle Mike said that our honeymoon is the happiest time of your life. And why let marriage spoil it? Well, it's wonderful to think that your your aunt and your uncle Mike have been married for twenty years. Yeah. Yeah.
But really, Abbott, what's wonderful about it? Uncle Mike thought she loved him, but for the whole twenty years, she hated him. Hated them like poison. And now they have 17 children. Wait a minute. She hated them. Why did they have 17 children? Well, it was her idea. She was just trying to lose them in a crowd. Is that me, mean doing low? Well, she beats him up all the time. He wouldn't mind if it wasn't for the children. The children? Yeah. They beat him too. Right. He must be really handbags. Yes. He is. She tried to keep in the house every night. Saturday, when he started to take his bath, she put six boxes of Jell O on the top so it gets stuck. Luckily, it was raspberry, and he ate his way out.
I don't have a very happy home life, do they, though? No. No. Saturday night, uncle Mike played Pinochle all afternoon, and when he came home at 06:00, there was no dinner on the table. Well, where was your aunt May? Down at the bowling alley. She's down there seven days a week. Well, that's a shame. Yep. Uncle Mike should have never got her that job set and pinned. Well, fuck. Wasn't your uncle Mike married once before? Yeah. But his first wife passed away. Well, now that's too bad. Uncle Mike had such a tough time collecting the insurance that sometimes he almost wishes she hasn't died. What did your uncle Mike do before he got married, Lou? Well, he was quite a Romeo, Abbott. For two years, he carried a torch for a girl in Pennsylvania. He carried a torch for a girl in Pennsylvania? He was a coal miner, and it gets pretty dark in those tunnels.
Didn't he ever work for a living? Sure. He had a job in a canned soup factory. He was in the chicken soup division. He was a dragger. Now wait a minute. What was the duties of a dragger in a canned soup factory? Very simple. When a 1,000 gallon tank of hot water was ready, he'd drag a chicken through it. Well, I had it. It's no wonder your aunt may fight with uncle Mike. Yeah. You should've seen aunt May's Sunday night, Abbot. She was so mad at Mike that she said she was gonna pack her suitcases and leave him forever. Now he's really worried. He is? Yep. She ain't even started to pack her suitcases yet. I bought a couple of the, I just am a bad looking guy, but I can't see what he ever saw in your aunt made. She was very popular in Patterson when she was a young girl. She was? Yes. The Patterson Electric and Power Company voted her miss alternating current of 1915.
Priscilla, that's about the year you were born back in Patterson, isn't it? Yes. I'm Patterson's favorite son. What do you mean? Just last week, the people of Patterson directed a statue in the very spot where I was born. The spot where you were born? Where was that? Right in the middle of the Greyhound bus depot. You have gone right in the middle of the Greyhound bus depot? It was raining, and my mother couldn't get a taxi. Now tell me, you pop. I got an infant poop. Tell me. Does your whole family suffer from stupidity? Indeed not. They enjoy every minute of it.
Hey there, Costello. I wanna talk to you. Mister, do I owe you any money? No. Mm-mm. Did I ever give you a tip on any of any of my horses? No. Have you got a red headed sister in Chicago? No. Okay. Go ahead and talk to me. Do you give away prizes on this program? Can I win a refrigerator or something? Nope. Well, goodbye. I've gotta go hurry over to the gangbusters radio show. Last week, I got a hundred and $64 on that program. Wait a minute. Gangbusters don't give away anything. Oh, I forgot to tell you. I'm a pickpocket too. Now I know where I saw that guy, Abbot. It was the thirtieth anniversary party, yours. Remember you had a swimming pool filled up with bourbon? Yeah. The whole swimming pool was filled with bourbon. What fun? Yes. I never saw so many people going down for the third time with smiles on their face.
Well, never mind that. The hometown is talking about my anniversary party. Didn't my wife didn't my wife Betty look beautiful? I'm very proud of my wife. Every man in town was fighting over, but I got her. Abbott, you didn't fight hard enough. My wife is a beautiful woman. She hasn't got a wrinkle in her face.
[00:09:55] Unknown:
She hasn't, Then what are those things? Dents.
[00:10:01] Unknown:
Cicella, you know nothing about women. I don't even know why I even discussed the subject of women with you. Well, it's not my fault on it. I live a very sheltered life. Then I met a lovely little redhead, and I learned about women from her. You did? I'll never forget our first date. We sat on the riverbank in the moonlight.
[00:10:17] Unknown:
She moved closer to me, then I moved closer to her. Then the moon went behind a cloud, then it happened. Why? She let me tighten the string on her ukulele.
[00:10:29] Unknown:
Oh, hey. Didn't she kiss you, Lou? Yes. Did you did you like it? Oh, boy. How how does it make you feel? How does it make me feel? Yeah. Did you ever stand on a hot buttered waffle and have somebody pour maple syrup down your spine? How how did you get along with her, Lou? Oh, good. The second time we had a date, I took her sightseeing on a bus. Rubberneck?
[00:10:56] Unknown:
No. But I tickled her a little.
[00:11:03] Unknown:
Hello, boys. Hey. Look. Estell was our secretary, Viola Vaughn. Well, Viola Vaughn. That's my line, Lou. Take it. Well, Viola Vaughn. I understand you bought a new car. How do you like driving in California? Well, it would be. That's your explain.
[00:11:23] Unknown:
It would be alright if it weren't for the pedestrian. What's wrong with the California pedestrians? Well, I was driving down here tonight, and one of them whizzed right past my windshield. A dirty coward was pole vaulting across the street.
[00:11:41] Unknown:
Sweet devils, ain't they? Viola, why don't you take me for a ride down the beach tonight? I should say not. Costello. Viola's only kidding. She she really likes you, but you've got to do something to show that you like her. That's right, Costello.
[00:11:55] Unknown:
Do something brave. Do something brave. Uh-huh. I know what I'll do. I'll join the army and help fight the British. We're not fighting the British. That's all the better. That way nobody can get hurt.
[00:12:06] Unknown:
Costello, you know, you've been acting kind of clear lately. Wait a minute. Come to think of it, you're right, Viola. Yesterday afternoon, I saw him sitting up in a tree in Griffith Park. Costello.
[00:12:17] Unknown:
What were you doing up in that tree? Signing autographs.
[00:12:23] Unknown:
Signing autographs? Yes. The Robins thought I was Woody Woodpecker.
[00:12:37] Unknown:
So, Stella, here's another thing. Why can why do you always carry an umbrella on your arm? Why don't you get a girl on your arm? You know, a girl is much nicer than an umbrella. Oh, I don't know, kiddo.
[00:12:51] Unknown:
When you're through with a girl, can you fold her up and hang her in a closet? Why, you simple minded, no good, low downer. Now now now just a minute, mister Abbott.
[00:13:05] Unknown:
Have you ever stopped to consider that Costello's reasoning capacity and his functional capabilities for logical delineation are coordinated, comprehensive, and negligible? Is it is it compulsory to you to abuse this poor moronic social incompetent simply because the poor slob doesn't possess the mental capacity of an imbecile? But the owner Just a minute, Abbot.
[00:13:26] Unknown:
You've had this coming to you for a long time. At a minute, continue. Hello? What a snob I am. Leo, I Hey. Leo, I can't help it if pastel is stupid. Who's stupid? I wanna say something, but I'm always studying, always reading. I just finished a book called When Frankenstein Leaks the Wolfman in Dracula's Garden Where the Spider Woman Killed the Cat Girl. What's the story about? Two bums living in the La Brea Tarfitz.
[00:14:01] Unknown:
Well, I I've gotta go now, boys. I'm taking my painting lesson. Do you paint? Oh, yes. I draw birds with charcoal. I paint flowers in watercolor. What do you do in oil? Fried potatoes.
[00:14:16] Unknown:
No. Abacus, a girl going places? Yes. Yes, sir. And if she hurry, she can be the first one in line to collect her unemployment insurance. I'll get that. You just started taking piano lessons. I you know, and so ever since you started playing the part of Sam Shuffle, private detective, you've got your nose in everybody's business. You've been as busy as an ant. Ants are busy? Certainly. Then why are they always going to picnics? When you talk, Stan, Stan, what what is that letter you have in your hand? Well, Abbott, it's another fan letter. Listen to this. Dear Lou Costello, a Sam Shovelly detective, you are the greatest thing on radio. I love your show, but my wife won't listen to it. She said she needs you like she needs a hole in her head. I'm sending her to see you tonight. Mhmm. Mister Costello, there's a lady to see you. What does she look like? She's like a short pack.
Oh, never mind. What is your Sam Shovell detective story for tonight, Luke? I think I'll do one of my old Western cases. I'd call up the Kenshin general who opened up a drive in and was caught selling horse meat or Custer's last hamburger stand. Well, while you're talking, let's do it.
[00:15:41] Unknown:
I'm Sam Shovell, private detective. I remember my first case. Three eyed Maxie the murderer. He had three eyes. He was the only man in the world with twenty twenty twenty vision.
[00:15:56] Unknown:
And there was my second case,
[00:15:58] Unknown:
terrible Tony, the toughest gangster in Los Angeles. He was a bronze giant with muscles of steel and an iron fist. I had to shoot him. May he rest in peace. Fifteen years in the detective business takes a lot out of you, but I feel as strong and vigorous as the day I started. Right now, I could tear Superman in half, but I don't wanna ruin the rest of the paper. I feel kinda thirsty. I go to the sink. This Los Angeles water is getting hotter every day. I I glanced out of my window. There's the headquarters of the Republican Club. On the window, there's a sign GOP. I just found out what GOP means.
Gone out permanently. I looked down at my desk. There's my new wristwatch. My new wristwatch. It's a shockproof, non magnetic waterproof watch. The directions say don't take this watch out of the box. Fresh air ruins it.
[00:17:31] Unknown:
I think I'll give it to my secretary.
[00:17:34] Unknown:
What a secretary. She got the job the hard way. The hard way. She knew how to type. Right next to my watch is my shotgun. I decide to see if it's loaded. I pointed at the floor and pulled the trigger. I looked down at the floor. When did I buy open toe shoes? I reach in my coat pocket. Here's a wallet I found last night. I hope I can find the owner. I check I check to see what's in the wallet. Here's a card. If it's found, return to mister Nichols. Delmar Hotel. Here's a driver's license issued to mister Nichols. Delmar Hotel. Here's a birth certificate with the name Nichols.
Here's the pink slip for a new Hudson sedan issued to mister Nichols. Delmar Hotel. Well, here's $600 in cash. Looks like I'll have to keep the money. If that guy right, he should carry some identification. The name on the money is Washington. Now let me see. Oh, yes. It's about time for my pal, Lieutenant Abbott, of the homicide squad to show up. Abbott had a pretty tough week chasing crooks. Monday night, he was held up on Main Street. Tuesday night, he was held up on Broadway. Wednesday night, he was held up on Sunset Boulevard. If Abbott would stay out of those saloons, he wouldn't need anybody to hold him up. Lieutenant Abbott don't have to work.
He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.
[00:19:37] Unknown:
This was okay until he found out that all the other kids had tongues.
[00:19:46] Unknown:
It's not easy to be born with a silver spoon in your mouth. Up to the time Abbott was 19, all he could say was Rogers Brothers eighteen forty seven. Before he became a detective, Abbott was a motorcycle cop. He was the only cop on the force that had traffic eyes, real traffic eyes. They'd always look both ways before crossing each other. No matter what case lieutenant Abbott goes out on, he's never stuck.
[00:20:21] Unknown:
Hello. Sam Schuvel, private detective speaking. Hello, Sam. This is lieutenant Abbott. Sam, what time do the walls open in the block national bank? At 09:00 tomorrow morning. Not till 09:00 tomorrow morning. That's right, Lieutenant Abbott. You can't get in those vaults till 09:00 tomorrow morning. Who wants to get in? I'm trying to get out.
[00:20:45] Unknown:
Suddenly, my door opened.
[00:20:47] Unknown:
Same.
[00:20:48] Unknown:
Same. Same shovel. Was my pal, Lieutenant Abbott. He was scared to death. He was perspiring. He was sweating bullets. You too. Lieutenant Abbott, how'd you get out of that bank vault? Sam, I'll tell it to you all in a nutshell. Can't you tell it to me here? I don't think we both fit in a nutshell.
[00:21:22] Unknown:
Sam, I've been working on a series of bank burglaries. Monday night, the Kelly Gang held up the First National Bank. Tuesday, they held up the Second National Bank. Wednesday, they held up the Third National Bank. So tonight, I was waiting for them at the Fourth National Bank. And you caught them? Nah. Tonight, they held up the First National Bank again. Enough about myself. Enough about my trouble, Sam. Sam, you don't look good. What's the matter? I didn't get any sleep last night, lieutenant. A burglar climbed into my bedroom window and made me get out of bed. I stood there shivering in my long underwear.
Why didn't you holler for help? He had a gun, and I was afraid to open my trap. After the burglar left, I still couldn't get any sleep. I was worried about my brother, Pat. He kept poking his head into my room. Lots of guys poke their heads into their brother's rooms. On the end of a stick? Sam. Did you hear those shots? They came from the office next door. Who rents that office next door? An organization called the American Society of Patriotic Americans for the preservation of freedom in The United States of all and for all patriotic Americans. What do they do? They're foreign spies. I Sam.
Sam, look. It's the guy that did the shooting. He's coming in here. He's got a gun. Uh-huh. So this is the place I've been looking for. Where's Sam Shuffle, the private detective? What do you want with him? I'm gonna kill him. I hate radio detectives. I hate them all. The thin man, the fat, and the other queen. But most of all, I hate Sam Shuffle. I'm gonna gouge his eyes out of someone with lips. Now who are you? Oh, I am just an ordinary police. Honest, mister. I'm not a radio detective. And you?
[00:23:18] Unknown:
Who are you, fatso? Well, I'm, you know, it's,
[00:23:30] Unknown:
I'm, don't stand there, rabbit. Hand me my cookbook. Cookbook? Who are you? Don't you recognize me? Mary Margaret McBride. Oh, so you're the one that gives out those recipes, Mhmm. Mhmm. Well, if there's anything I hate worse than radio, just let them get those recipe programs. I'll kill them all.
[00:24:09] Unknown:
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[00:24:22] Unknown:
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