In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring the antics of Costello and Abbott, as they navigate through a series of humorous situations. From discussing Uncle Mike's peculiar house layout to Costello's bizarre inventions, the duo keeps the laughs coming. Costello's misguided attempts at romance and his interactions with various quirky characters add to the hilarity, showcasing the classic comedic timing that Abbott and Costello are known for.
As the episode progresses, we are treated to a parody detective segment featuring Sam Shovel, the private detective. The skit is filled with witty banter and absurd scenarios, including a case involving a lady with a blue beard and a humorous take on a murder in a butcher shop. The episode is a delightful mix of slapstick comedy and clever wordplay, ensuring that listeners are entertained from start to finish.
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Unknown:
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[00:01:03] Unknown:
Yeah, please. Alright. Alright. Stop that, Rick. Where have you been? Not bracket. Where have I been? Yeah. Uncle Mike just bought a new house. I'm about to see it. How far is it from here? Fifteen minutes by automobile and five minutes if you walk. Wait a minute. How can it be how can it be faster if you walk? When you're walking, you pass the skunk farm. Must be a lovely place. Wait. It's laid out. If you if you wanna go to the kitchen, you go through the dining room to the maids room. If you wanna go to the master bedroom, you go through the living room to the maids room. And if you wanna go to the patio, you go through the tent, tent through the maids room. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why do you keep going through the maid's room?
Silly boy. Could you please talk, Ted? Tell me more about uncle Mike's, please. Oh, I would. Well, he ran out of water. He's out of the swimming pool, and he filled it with peroxide. Filled the pool with peroxide? Yeah. What water? He's nuts about blood. By the way, how's aunt May, getting along with uncle Mike? Just fine. You know, Mike is expecting a blessed event at their house next Tuesday. Well, wait a minute. They've been married for thirty five years, and they're expecting a blessed event. Mike's mother-in-law is leaving for Patterson. Come over here, Costello. Just look at you. You've got big circles under your eyes, and you look terrible. I can't help but have it. I've been up all night working on my invention. I just finished my latest invention. It's a cellophane mattress for old maids. Oh, now wait a minute.
Yeah. But what good would a cellophane mattress be to an old maid, Lou? Well, she could walk under the bed to see if there's a guy under there without getting up. Yeah. But no. You and your inventions, you're you're wasting your time. I think I thought you got something, man. But really, I'm not. Get a load of this this invention. My sister and I, we're working on it now. We're crossing a roll of pink ribbon with a rubber plant. What for? So we can raise lady's gutters. Well, now look at you, Tustill. I wonder how you ever became such an enormous idiot. Well, it's easy. I could teach you no time. Right. You dope your entire family,
[00:03:20] Unknown:
None of them know anything. Now wait a minute. No. Just a minute. How can you say that? How can you say that?
[00:03:27] Unknown:
My aunt Leah is considered an expert authority on insects. An authority on insects? Did she study insects in college? She didn't have to go to college. She studied at home. Wait a minute. How did she study insects at home? Her first three husbands were barflies. Oh, are you still living with your aunt May and uncle Mike? No. I decided I want a nice place to stay, so I reserved a room at the YWCA. You idiot. The YWCA is full of girl. Isn't that a nice place to stay? So, you like girls, I gather? I like girls. Anybody gathers. You idiot.
All you think of is girl. Am I tempted by girl? When a girl fights with me, do I have to work back? No. But why I could go out with a different girl every night, but I do I do it? No. Well, Abbot, all the little kitties are asleep now. Let's tell them the right answer.
[00:04:31] Unknown:
Help. Help. Please. Somebody help me. Somebody's gotta help me.
[00:04:36] Unknown:
Who's that? I don't know, but he came in twice. Who who who was this little? You know? Hey. Yeah. That was little Johnny from the Philip R Show. He finally found a store window he couldn't step out of. I can still be watching. Be careful what you say about that little Johnny. You know, I've heard he's a pretty tough kid. I ain't afraid of him. I could fight that little Johnny with one hand tied behind his back. You mean one hand tied behind your back? Who's fixing this fight? You or me? If you're so tough, Costello, why don't you enter the heavyweight division? You know Joe Lewis is retired, and they're looking for a new champion. There's only one reason why I don't become heavyweight champion at it. I'm so tough and ferocious. I can't control myself. The minute I get in the ring, I see blood. It's terrible. What's terrible about it? It's my blood.
And you couldn't find your way out of a paper bag. Is that so? You're not talking about a man who can lick anybody. Why? I take that Joe Louis apart and see what makes him tick. I take Joe Walcott apart and see what makes him tick. I take Lisa Bold apart and see what makes him tick. I take Cus Lesnarsson apart and and any champion. Name any champion, and I'll take him apart. Alright. I'll give you an easy one. How about the, swimming champion, Nesta Williams? Could you take her apart? Anything put together that good don't need tinkering with. Pastel, you're a moronic, silly nin temple. Thank you, Evan. Remember, I'm not one of those phony jerks. I'm the real thing.
Fastel, you're hopeless. No wonder you have no friends. Why even Susan Miller won't talk to you anymore? And do you know why? Why? Because you don't know how to treat a girl. Then why are certain types of women crazy about me? What kind of women are crazy about you? Crazy women. Alright, Gus. So let's see what you know about women. Let's say we're in the, Palladium Dance Hall. Now I'm a girl. Now you walk up to me and you ask me for a dance. What's your name? Oh, what's the difference? What difference is that? Expect me to dance with a girl I don't know. Now listen. Alright. My name is Louise. Is that alright? How come you pick Louise? What's the difference in a girl's name? Louise. Now go ahead and ask me to dance.
Louise, would you like to sit this out? Without why don't you ask me to dance? You know, Dean, I'm gonna get out there on the floor in front of all those people with an ugly looking tomato like you. Come in.
[00:07:14] Unknown:
Well well, good evening to you all.
[00:07:17] Unknown:
I tell her this girl is beautiful. Where are you from, miss? Down south. I come from the tobacco country. Are there any more gorgeous girls like you down in the tobacco country? Why? It's just full of them. No wonder that FPFoon can't talk straight. My, miss Uh-huh. What's your name?
[00:07:46] Unknown:
Mhmm. Magnolia Tweedy Battle. My, but that's a pretty dress you have on. Oh, thank you all. I try to be neat. My mother's a good housekeeper. She taught me to keep everything tidy
[00:08:02] Unknown:
and in the right place. Hand me my dust, Cap Habit. This is the kind of housekeeping I like. Costello, it's very sweet of miss, Twinkle Paddle to drop in here. And I think I think it would be a suggestion on your part, Costello, if you'd show her the sights of Hollywood while she's in town. Oh, miss Costello. If you only would,
[00:08:22] Unknown:
then I could go home and tell all the girls I was out with a big, smart celebrity. If you do that for me, I'll give you anything you want. Anything? Anything.
[00:08:36] Unknown:
Now what do you want? But I have a pool of tea with my own initials on it. Idiot. A kiss would be ample reward for a beautiful girl like that one.
[00:08:47] Unknown:
Yes. Come here, mister Castellano, and I'll give you a real southern kiss. Bam. That's the way we kiss down, Zach.
[00:09:10] Unknown:
Now I know why General Sherman marched to the sea. He had to go down here to cool off.
[00:09:22] Unknown:
You know, I just can't understand you know, then, why in Kentucky, the men are so impetuous, they carry girl away. California, we've got cars.
[00:09:35] Unknown:
Say no attention to customer, miss, sweetie paddle. Tell me, are you a single girl?
[00:09:40] Unknown:
Yes, please.
[00:09:41] Unknown:
And I came up now to get married. Well, I don't like to brag, but I'd make a nice husband. I can cook. What's the matter with me? I can sew. And I I can do housework and wash dishes. I know how to take care of babies through the washing.
[00:09:56] Unknown:
Well, congratulations. I hope you two will be very happy together.
[00:10:09] Unknown:
Castello, you you missed a great opportunity. That girl is the daughter of colonel Tweedle Fadel. They're very wealthy. Yeah. But I got a notion to put on one of my Sam's shovel detective disguises and follow that. Mister Costello. Mister Costello. I gotta talk to you. Hi, Costello. What can I do for you? Mister Costello, I've listened to your detective series, and I think you're marvelous as Sam's shovel, the great detective. And, mister shovel, I need your help. My wife has disappeared. When did she disappear? Yesterday morning at 07:00. She left the house dressed in a nightgown. She had a frying pan in one hand and a box of matches in the other. Mhmm. Sounds like a pretty tough case. You say she left the house yesterday morning at 07:00 wearing a nightgown and carrying a frying pan and a box of matches? Do you have any idea why she left the house? Oh, sure. She was cooking breakfast and the stove blew up. Hey.
You know, there was something familiar about that guy. Estelle, isn't, your brother-in-law? No, sir. My brother-in-law is living. Stop. Get off. Hey. And, it looks like you're left to get some new girls. How about the girls that live next to you? They're strangers, Tom. Why don't we double date them? Well, I don't think you'd like them, Abbot. One of them has three watch on her nose. She's got fuck teeth, and she's bald headed. How about the other one? She's ugly. Gastel, you've got as much you've got about as much chance of getting a girl as long. Oh, are they married? Married. They're not married to each other. They're partners just like Sears and Roebuck. Sears and Roebuck. Are they married either? Of course not. Is that a shame with all that nice furniture they got through?
Where were you last night? Well, I had a day with our secretary, Viola Vaughn. She took me to the plate, and she wouldn't dance with me. Then she took me out to the house of Murphy for dinner, but she wouldn't eat with me. Well, if she she wouldn't dance or eat with you, what does she take you for? $35. I throwing your money around like that. You you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Right now, I need $75, and I don't know where to get it. Why, Abbot, you must have a hundred friends that would loan you $75. Well, how about you loaning it to me? Abbot, you must have 99 friends that would loan you $75. I ought to know better than to ask this stupid ignorant dork like you for a minute. Just a second now. Just a second. Don't call me stupid and ignorant. I'm a college man. For years, I went to Stanford University in the morning and UCLA in the afternoon.
You dummy. Stanford is in San Francisco, and UCLA is in Los Angeles now. How could you go to both of them the same day? Being an honor student, I had a long lunch hour. Honest dude. How did you ever get to be an honest dude? Well, I took the brain of a monkey and I put it in the head of a man. Today, that man is alive and can talk. What does he say? I thought so. You've never been in a college. And I doubt if any of your family were ever in college. Yeah. So my brother Pat spent four years at the medical school at the University of Michigan. What was he, studying? Nothing. They were studying him.
I know. Just tell you you're impossible. And you better give up doing that same trouble detective series. The deal is overcrowded, and everybody on Gritty wants to become a private eye. You're right, Abbot. I know it. Seems like every Tom and Harry wants to be a dick. I think you need a that he's gonna stop me, Abbot. Tonight, I'm gonna do one of my most famous cases. I call it murder in a butcher shop, or have you seen those prices lately? That doesn't sound like a very interesting case, Gus. Pick another one. Okay. Here's a very, very interesting one. I call it the case of the man who drowned on the Los Angeles River or dust be my destiny.
Oh, let's get on with the case.
[00:14:11] Unknown:
Now the makers of Floods Motor Oil present the adventures of fan shovel, privacy sector. But first, a word about our product. Motorists, have you been changing your oil every month? Switch to sludge. When you use sludge, you never have to change oil. Of course, every six months, you'll have to get a new car. Friends, if you want extra mileage, you knock on gasoline. Listen to what one of our satisfied customers has to say. I bought two gallons of knock on gasoline in Chicago.
[00:14:52] Unknown:
When I got into Los Angeles this morning, I still had two quarts left. Thank you, sir. Thank you. What kind of a car do you drive? We've got a car. I've got a cigarette lighter.
[00:15:12] Unknown:
Now for the further adventures of Sam's Shovel, private detective.
[00:15:21] Unknown:
Yes. I'm Sam Shovel, private detective. I'm sitting here in my little office running a report on my latest case. I reached for my pen. It's a big pen. I'm alone in the office. I used to have a secretary. I had to let her go. She can never get her typing done. Every time she got to the end of a line, the typewriter bell would ring. She'd go out to lunch. I'm getting sick of this detective business. Always on the run. I don't even get a chance to eat. Last night, I sat down to a bowl of chicken broth. I started to eat the broth. The phone rang. I had to go out and catch a crook. I came back, started to eat the broth again. Another call came. I had to go out and catch another crook.
When I came back, the broth was cold. Tomorrow, too many crooks spoil the broth. Suddenly, I hear a woman scream. Came from the window across the street. I can't see who it is. I reached for my opera glasses. They're gone. Must have gone to the opera again. I turn on my file. There on top is one of my most famous cases. The case of the lady blue beard. I don't know why they call her the lady blue beard. She never killed anybody. Maybe it was because she had a blue beard. She was a hard woman to catch. I'd never caught her except she was a flirt. She gave me the eye in Pasadena.
She gave me the eye in Pomona. And I caught her in Pismo Beach. It was easy. I had both her eyes. Kid was lost. Couldn't see where she was going. Suddenly, through the window, I see my pal, lieutenant, and amid of the homicide squad approaching. Abbott's a tough man. He's got a dirty look and underwear to match. Hello, Sam Shible. I'm worried. What's wrong, Lieutenant Abbott? Remember when I joined the department, I found the beats. The walking made my feet too big? Yes. And then I was transferred to the traffic department, and waving my arms all day made my hands too big? Yes.
Now I'm really worried. They want me to ride a horse. I looked at Lieutenant Abbott. What a clever policeman. He's got a trigger mind, and he ought to give it back to trigger. I could tell lieutenant Abbott had something on his mind. He was nervous. He started fiddling with his nose. Lieutenant Abbott had a tough day at headquarters. All day he had been given a rubber hose for third degree. He kept hitting it with a detective. Sam, you can help me. You've got friends in the department. You've got plenty of drag. What makes you think I've got drag? Turn around, Sam, and see what you're dragging. Luke Shin and Abbott has insulted me again.
I looked him straight in the eye. He had arrogance, deceit and meanness written on his face. Seems silly for a man of his age to go around with all those words written on his face. Damn. It's very warm in here. Why don't you open that door that leads to the balcony? I can't. I haven't got a key, and I don't know how to open it. Why don't you use your head? I don't think my head will fit in the keyhole.
[00:20:05] Unknown:
Hello. Sam Shovell, private detective speaking. Is this the great Sam Shuffle, the private detective? That's me. Sam, you've got to help me. What's the matter? There are five tough guys with guns, thugs trying to break in here and kill me. Come right over. Can't hear you. There are five tough guys with guns and claws trying to tell me. Come right over.
[00:20:26] Unknown:
I can't hear you. Sam, I am not even on the phone and I can hear it. Why don't you go over? I lift them up any higher, I'll break my suspension. I'm lift up your hand.
[00:20:54] Unknown:
Now lift up your pants.
[00:20:58] Unknown:
What's the idea of making us put up our hand? Don't ask any questions. Go on. Reach for the ceiling. Okay. We reached the ceiling. What's the idea of this stick up? This ain't no stick up.
[00:21:08] Unknown:
Then why have you got us standing here with our hands on the ceiling? Me and my crew are a pair of this building. We're ready to tear out the walls, and somebody better be holding up that ceiling.
[00:21:25] Unknown:
Lieutenant Abbott, this seems kind of silly. You and me standing here, holding up the ceiling. Yes, Sam. Probably something the right has thought up because they were stuck for a finish. It's ridiculous. Let's put our hands down. One in four car batteries is weak and needs to be replaced. Let our professional parts people test your battery for free at O'Reilly Auto Parts. O'Reilly
[00:22:11] Unknown:
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[00:01:03] Unknown:
Yeah, please. Alright. Alright. Stop that, Rick. Where have you been? Not bracket. Where have I been? Yeah. Uncle Mike just bought a new house. I'm about to see it. How far is it from here? Fifteen minutes by automobile and five minutes if you walk. Wait a minute. How can it be how can it be faster if you walk? When you're walking, you pass the skunk farm. Must be a lovely place. Wait. It's laid out. If you if you wanna go to the kitchen, you go through the dining room to the maids room. If you wanna go to the master bedroom, you go through the living room to the maids room. And if you wanna go to the patio, you go through the tent, tent through the maids room. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why do you keep going through the maid's room?
Silly boy. Could you please talk, Ted? Tell me more about uncle Mike's, please. Oh, I would. Well, he ran out of water. He's out of the swimming pool, and he filled it with peroxide. Filled the pool with peroxide? Yeah. What water? He's nuts about blood. By the way, how's aunt May, getting along with uncle Mike? Just fine. You know, Mike is expecting a blessed event at their house next Tuesday. Well, wait a minute. They've been married for thirty five years, and they're expecting a blessed event. Mike's mother-in-law is leaving for Patterson. Come over here, Costello. Just look at you. You've got big circles under your eyes, and you look terrible. I can't help but have it. I've been up all night working on my invention. I just finished my latest invention. It's a cellophane mattress for old maids. Oh, now wait a minute.
Yeah. But what good would a cellophane mattress be to an old maid, Lou? Well, she could walk under the bed to see if there's a guy under there without getting up. Yeah. But no. You and your inventions, you're you're wasting your time. I think I thought you got something, man. But really, I'm not. Get a load of this this invention. My sister and I, we're working on it now. We're crossing a roll of pink ribbon with a rubber plant. What for? So we can raise lady's gutters. Well, now look at you, Tustill. I wonder how you ever became such an enormous idiot. Well, it's easy. I could teach you no time. Right. You dope your entire family,
[00:03:20] Unknown:
None of them know anything. Now wait a minute. No. Just a minute. How can you say that? How can you say that?
[00:03:27] Unknown:
My aunt Leah is considered an expert authority on insects. An authority on insects? Did she study insects in college? She didn't have to go to college. She studied at home. Wait a minute. How did she study insects at home? Her first three husbands were barflies. Oh, are you still living with your aunt May and uncle Mike? No. I decided I want a nice place to stay, so I reserved a room at the YWCA. You idiot. The YWCA is full of girl. Isn't that a nice place to stay? So, you like girls, I gather? I like girls. Anybody gathers. You idiot.
All you think of is girl. Am I tempted by girl? When a girl fights with me, do I have to work back? No. But why I could go out with a different girl every night, but I do I do it? No. Well, Abbot, all the little kitties are asleep now. Let's tell them the right answer.
[00:04:31] Unknown:
Help. Help. Please. Somebody help me. Somebody's gotta help me.
[00:04:36] Unknown:
Who's that? I don't know, but he came in twice. Who who who was this little? You know? Hey. Yeah. That was little Johnny from the Philip R Show. He finally found a store window he couldn't step out of. I can still be watching. Be careful what you say about that little Johnny. You know, I've heard he's a pretty tough kid. I ain't afraid of him. I could fight that little Johnny with one hand tied behind his back. You mean one hand tied behind your back? Who's fixing this fight? You or me? If you're so tough, Costello, why don't you enter the heavyweight division? You know Joe Lewis is retired, and they're looking for a new champion. There's only one reason why I don't become heavyweight champion at it. I'm so tough and ferocious. I can't control myself. The minute I get in the ring, I see blood. It's terrible. What's terrible about it? It's my blood.
And you couldn't find your way out of a paper bag. Is that so? You're not talking about a man who can lick anybody. Why? I take that Joe Louis apart and see what makes him tick. I take Joe Walcott apart and see what makes him tick. I take Lisa Bold apart and see what makes him tick. I take Cus Lesnarsson apart and and any champion. Name any champion, and I'll take him apart. Alright. I'll give you an easy one. How about the, swimming champion, Nesta Williams? Could you take her apart? Anything put together that good don't need tinkering with. Pastel, you're a moronic, silly nin temple. Thank you, Evan. Remember, I'm not one of those phony jerks. I'm the real thing.
Fastel, you're hopeless. No wonder you have no friends. Why even Susan Miller won't talk to you anymore? And do you know why? Why? Because you don't know how to treat a girl. Then why are certain types of women crazy about me? What kind of women are crazy about you? Crazy women. Alright, Gus. So let's see what you know about women. Let's say we're in the, Palladium Dance Hall. Now I'm a girl. Now you walk up to me and you ask me for a dance. What's your name? Oh, what's the difference? What difference is that? Expect me to dance with a girl I don't know. Now listen. Alright. My name is Louise. Is that alright? How come you pick Louise? What's the difference in a girl's name? Louise. Now go ahead and ask me to dance.
Louise, would you like to sit this out? Without why don't you ask me to dance? You know, Dean, I'm gonna get out there on the floor in front of all those people with an ugly looking tomato like you. Come in.
[00:07:14] Unknown:
Well well, good evening to you all.
[00:07:17] Unknown:
I tell her this girl is beautiful. Where are you from, miss? Down south. I come from the tobacco country. Are there any more gorgeous girls like you down in the tobacco country? Why? It's just full of them. No wonder that FPFoon can't talk straight. My, miss Uh-huh. What's your name?
[00:07:46] Unknown:
Mhmm. Magnolia Tweedy Battle. My, but that's a pretty dress you have on. Oh, thank you all. I try to be neat. My mother's a good housekeeper. She taught me to keep everything tidy
[00:08:02] Unknown:
and in the right place. Hand me my dust, Cap Habit. This is the kind of housekeeping I like. Costello, it's very sweet of miss, Twinkle Paddle to drop in here. And I think I think it would be a suggestion on your part, Costello, if you'd show her the sights of Hollywood while she's in town. Oh, miss Costello. If you only would,
[00:08:22] Unknown:
then I could go home and tell all the girls I was out with a big, smart celebrity. If you do that for me, I'll give you anything you want. Anything? Anything.
[00:08:36] Unknown:
Now what do you want? But I have a pool of tea with my own initials on it. Idiot. A kiss would be ample reward for a beautiful girl like that one.
[00:08:47] Unknown:
Yes. Come here, mister Castellano, and I'll give you a real southern kiss. Bam. That's the way we kiss down, Zach.
[00:09:10] Unknown:
Now I know why General Sherman marched to the sea. He had to go down here to cool off.
[00:09:22] Unknown:
You know, I just can't understand you know, then, why in Kentucky, the men are so impetuous, they carry girl away. California, we've got cars.
[00:09:35] Unknown:
Say no attention to customer, miss, sweetie paddle. Tell me, are you a single girl?
[00:09:40] Unknown:
Yes, please.
[00:09:41] Unknown:
And I came up now to get married. Well, I don't like to brag, but I'd make a nice husband. I can cook. What's the matter with me? I can sew. And I I can do housework and wash dishes. I know how to take care of babies through the washing.
[00:09:56] Unknown:
Well, congratulations. I hope you two will be very happy together.
[00:10:09] Unknown:
Castello, you you missed a great opportunity. That girl is the daughter of colonel Tweedle Fadel. They're very wealthy. Yeah. But I got a notion to put on one of my Sam's shovel detective disguises and follow that. Mister Costello. Mister Costello. I gotta talk to you. Hi, Costello. What can I do for you? Mister Costello, I've listened to your detective series, and I think you're marvelous as Sam's shovel, the great detective. And, mister shovel, I need your help. My wife has disappeared. When did she disappear? Yesterday morning at 07:00. She left the house dressed in a nightgown. She had a frying pan in one hand and a box of matches in the other. Mhmm. Sounds like a pretty tough case. You say she left the house yesterday morning at 07:00 wearing a nightgown and carrying a frying pan and a box of matches? Do you have any idea why she left the house? Oh, sure. She was cooking breakfast and the stove blew up. Hey.
You know, there was something familiar about that guy. Estelle, isn't, your brother-in-law? No, sir. My brother-in-law is living. Stop. Get off. Hey. And, it looks like you're left to get some new girls. How about the girls that live next to you? They're strangers, Tom. Why don't we double date them? Well, I don't think you'd like them, Abbot. One of them has three watch on her nose. She's got fuck teeth, and she's bald headed. How about the other one? She's ugly. Gastel, you've got as much you've got about as much chance of getting a girl as long. Oh, are they married? Married. They're not married to each other. They're partners just like Sears and Roebuck. Sears and Roebuck. Are they married either? Of course not. Is that a shame with all that nice furniture they got through?
Where were you last night? Well, I had a day with our secretary, Viola Vaughn. She took me to the plate, and she wouldn't dance with me. Then she took me out to the house of Murphy for dinner, but she wouldn't eat with me. Well, if she she wouldn't dance or eat with you, what does she take you for? $35. I throwing your money around like that. You you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Right now, I need $75, and I don't know where to get it. Why, Abbot, you must have a hundred friends that would loan you $75. Well, how about you loaning it to me? Abbot, you must have 99 friends that would loan you $75. I ought to know better than to ask this stupid ignorant dork like you for a minute. Just a second now. Just a second. Don't call me stupid and ignorant. I'm a college man. For years, I went to Stanford University in the morning and UCLA in the afternoon.
You dummy. Stanford is in San Francisco, and UCLA is in Los Angeles now. How could you go to both of them the same day? Being an honor student, I had a long lunch hour. Honest dude. How did you ever get to be an honest dude? Well, I took the brain of a monkey and I put it in the head of a man. Today, that man is alive and can talk. What does he say? I thought so. You've never been in a college. And I doubt if any of your family were ever in college. Yeah. So my brother Pat spent four years at the medical school at the University of Michigan. What was he, studying? Nothing. They were studying him.
I know. Just tell you you're impossible. And you better give up doing that same trouble detective series. The deal is overcrowded, and everybody on Gritty wants to become a private eye. You're right, Abbot. I know it. Seems like every Tom and Harry wants to be a dick. I think you need a that he's gonna stop me, Abbot. Tonight, I'm gonna do one of my most famous cases. I call it murder in a butcher shop, or have you seen those prices lately? That doesn't sound like a very interesting case, Gus. Pick another one. Okay. Here's a very, very interesting one. I call it the case of the man who drowned on the Los Angeles River or dust be my destiny.
Oh, let's get on with the case.
[00:14:11] Unknown:
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[00:14:52] Unknown:
When I got into Los Angeles this morning, I still had two quarts left. Thank you, sir. Thank you. What kind of a car do you drive? We've got a car. I've got a cigarette lighter.
[00:15:12] Unknown:
Now for the further adventures of Sam's Shovel, private detective.
[00:15:21] Unknown:
Yes. I'm Sam Shovel, private detective. I'm sitting here in my little office running a report on my latest case. I reached for my pen. It's a big pen. I'm alone in the office. I used to have a secretary. I had to let her go. She can never get her typing done. Every time she got to the end of a line, the typewriter bell would ring. She'd go out to lunch. I'm getting sick of this detective business. Always on the run. I don't even get a chance to eat. Last night, I sat down to a bowl of chicken broth. I started to eat the broth. The phone rang. I had to go out and catch a crook. I came back, started to eat the broth again. Another call came. I had to go out and catch another crook.
When I came back, the broth was cold. Tomorrow, too many crooks spoil the broth. Suddenly, I hear a woman scream. Came from the window across the street. I can't see who it is. I reached for my opera glasses. They're gone. Must have gone to the opera again. I turn on my file. There on top is one of my most famous cases. The case of the lady blue beard. I don't know why they call her the lady blue beard. She never killed anybody. Maybe it was because she had a blue beard. She was a hard woman to catch. I'd never caught her except she was a flirt. She gave me the eye in Pasadena.
She gave me the eye in Pomona. And I caught her in Pismo Beach. It was easy. I had both her eyes. Kid was lost. Couldn't see where she was going. Suddenly, through the window, I see my pal, lieutenant, and amid of the homicide squad approaching. Abbott's a tough man. He's got a dirty look and underwear to match. Hello, Sam Shible. I'm worried. What's wrong, Lieutenant Abbott? Remember when I joined the department, I found the beats. The walking made my feet too big? Yes. And then I was transferred to the traffic department, and waving my arms all day made my hands too big? Yes.
Now I'm really worried. They want me to ride a horse. I looked at Lieutenant Abbott. What a clever policeman. He's got a trigger mind, and he ought to give it back to trigger. I could tell lieutenant Abbott had something on his mind. He was nervous. He started fiddling with his nose. Lieutenant Abbott had a tough day at headquarters. All day he had been given a rubber hose for third degree. He kept hitting it with a detective. Sam, you can help me. You've got friends in the department. You've got plenty of drag. What makes you think I've got drag? Turn around, Sam, and see what you're dragging. Luke Shin and Abbott has insulted me again.
I looked him straight in the eye. He had arrogance, deceit and meanness written on his face. Seems silly for a man of his age to go around with all those words written on his face. Damn. It's very warm in here. Why don't you open that door that leads to the balcony? I can't. I haven't got a key, and I don't know how to open it. Why don't you use your head? I don't think my head will fit in the keyhole.
[00:20:05] Unknown:
Hello. Sam Shovell, private detective speaking. Is this the great Sam Shuffle, the private detective? That's me. Sam, you've got to help me. What's the matter? There are five tough guys with guns, thugs trying to break in here and kill me. Come right over. Can't hear you. There are five tough guys with guns and claws trying to tell me. Come right over.
[00:20:26] Unknown:
I can't hear you. Sam, I am not even on the phone and I can hear it. Why don't you go over? I lift them up any higher, I'll break my suspension. I'm lift up your hand.
[00:20:54] Unknown:
Now lift up your pants.
[00:20:58] Unknown:
What's the idea of making us put up our hand? Don't ask any questions. Go on. Reach for the ceiling. Okay. We reached the ceiling. What's the idea of this stick up? This ain't no stick up.
[00:21:08] Unknown:
Then why have you got us standing here with our hands on the ceiling? Me and my crew are a pair of this building. We're ready to tear out the walls, and somebody better be holding up that ceiling.
[00:21:25] Unknown:
Lieutenant Abbott, this seems kind of silly. You and me standing here, holding up the ceiling. Yes, Sam. Probably something the right has thought up because they were stuck for a finish. It's ridiculous. Let's put our hands down. One in four car batteries is weak and needs to be replaced. Let our professional parts people test your battery for free at O'Reilly Auto Parts. O'Reilly
[00:22:11] Unknown:
Auto Parts.
