In this episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring the classic duo Abbott and Costello. The conversation is filled with humorous exchanges about their past, relationships, and the absurdities of daily life. Costello shares anecdotes about his childhood, his attempts at romance, and his misadventures as a detective. The duo's banter is a delightful throwback to the golden age of radio comedy, showcasing their impeccable timing and wit.
Listeners are treated to a series of sketches, including a hilarious take on hillbilly moonshiners and a parody of detective stories. The episode is a rollercoaster of laughs, with Costello's bumbling antics and Abbott's straight-man responses creating a perfect comedic balance. Whether reminiscing about school days or concocting outlandish inventions, Abbott and Costello deliver a timeless performance that is sure to entertain audiences of all ages.
(01:10) A Night Out and Old Flames
(03:44) School Memories and Family Tales
(07:00) Love, Money, and Marriage
(11:14) Inventions and Silly Stories
(16:04) Detective Adventures and Hillbilly Encounters
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
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Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
[00:00:00]
Unknown:
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[00:01:10] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. Alright. Hold on. Cut out that yelling. What's all you'd say, man? Well, I went to a party last night. I mean, we're 30 girls here. Not one of them would dance with me or even talk to me. You didn't have any fun then? No. I was as lonesome as Fed Ellen on Sunday night. I thought you were such a big shot with a girl. I don't believe you ever had a girl. Oh, yes. I did have it. I had a very beautiful little blonde once, and everything was swell until one day she ran off to Florida. She married a guy, and now she has five children. After that, we just sort of drifted apart. Why don't you speak to my wife, Lou? She's a nice guy. No, no. Your wife don't like me at it. Well, hang around with her.
You eventually get into her skin. Well, I guess one more lump won't hurt her. I how can you talk that way about my wife? Remember the first night you met her? Yes. The minute she walked in the room, I said, there's either an ugly woman or a good looking man.
[00:02:06] Unknown:
That's the only you know you're getting more stupid every day. Gee, thanks, Abbot. I'm glad to know I'm not stagnating. Before the boys get any further involved in nonsense, here's a thought that makes good sense. Alright, Gusto. Stop that hollering. What's that thing you've got under your arm? That's my new Harry Truman rifle.
[00:03:50] Unknown:
Harry Truman rifle? Yes. A 48 repeater. What happened to you last night? I called your house and you weren't home. Well, I went to the movies, Abbot. House is one of those old time pictures. It was all about the Romans. They had a chariot race in it, and it was won by a guy named Ben Hymn.
[00:04:10] Unknown:
Yeah. You dummy. You mean Ben Harr. Not him, her.
[00:04:14] Unknown:
They were all dressed up in a bed sheet. You couldn't tell the hymns from the herd. I wonder if you'd gone to school, Lou. You'd you'd known the story of Ben Heir. Did you go to school, Abbot? Certainly. I started in nursery school, then I went to kindergarten. So what? I started in nursery school. I went to kindergarten. And I went from kindergarten to grammar school. So what? I went to kindergarten to grammar school. I went from grammar school to high school. Do you think it'll be as short as a meatball this summer?
[00:04:40] Unknown:
I'm telling you, you've got the brain of a monkey.
[00:04:43] Unknown:
I'll bet you have not. Yeah? When do you wanna bet? 15 bananas. I ain't insinuated that I'm ignorant? Abbot, you're nothing but a Hollywood character. Oh, what's a Hollywood character? A jerk with a personality. I'll ignore that remark because of your ignorance. Who's who who who's ignorant? When I went to school, I specialized in history. I can name off all the most important dates in history. Alright. Go ahead. Name some important dates. Oh, I will. There's, 1492, '17 '70 '6, '18 '12, '19 '17, Rita Haywood. Now wait a minute. Wait a minute.
[00:05:18] Unknown:
Rita Haywood is not an important date. Ali Khan seems to think so. No. Costello, why don't you listen to me? Take my advice advice once in a while. I'm your friend. I realize you're not a that you're an idiot. I I wanna assist you, Lou. Well, good thing you do me. You're just an assistant to an idiot.
[00:05:39] Unknown:
Well, just look at here. Your your dumpy is. Not just Now hold it, Abbot. Why do you need me? I'm up for so much of that toll. Now it's not my fault that I didn't grow tall like the other boys. When I was a little boy over in Scotland, I used to play the bagpipes, but it gave me pneumonia.
[00:05:56] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Now look. Wait a minute.
[00:06:00] Unknown:
How did playing the bagpipes give you pneumonia? There was a leak in the bag, and the air kept blowing up my kilts. Instead of wearing a wish broom in front of my kilts like the rest of the Scotsman, I had to wear a hot water bottle.
[00:06:17] Unknown:
You must have had a very poor childhood, Stella.
[00:06:19] Unknown:
I did have it. We were very poor. My mother had to work and she had to take and wash it. She had to scrub off his floor. She worked like a she worked as a blacksmith. She drove an oil truck. And one time for three years, she worked in a daytime as as a waitress and worked at night in a coal mine. Well, what what did your father do? He kept the books. Well, I guess you had a pretty tough time when you were a kid. Yes. I'll never forget the day my mother made my first pair of long pants. It had 12 buttons down the back and four pockets in the front.
[00:06:48] Unknown:
Well, what she make them out of? My father's oldest.
[00:06:52] Unknown:
I was the only kid. I was the only kid in school that had a watch bar hanging from my knee. Were you very popular with the other kids in school, Luke? I was a pitcher on a baseball team. What a pitcher I was. I had a drop ball, a slow ball, a curve ball. Did did you have a screwball? That was before I met you, Evan. Alright. Yeah. Dummy, you ought to be back in school right now. For your information, Evan, I'm keeping steady company with a red headed school teacher. What does she teach? She has a high school class of men all over 40 years old. 40 year old man. Why don't they go to college? When she gets through teaching them, there's nothing else to learn.
[00:07:29] Unknown:
Running around with a school teacher? Why don't you find a nice girl and get married? I'm going to, Abbott, as soon as I get some money. Money. Money. Money. Money. Money. Money. Gusto, don't worry about money. Do you realize what money is? Money is the root of all evil. Money is an invention of the devil. Money is filthy lucre. Money causes misery. Money. That's what I think of money.
[00:07:50] Unknown:
May the Bank of America have mercy on your soul.
[00:08:03] Unknown:
Dasteli, you don't need money. What you need is the love of a good woman. Find another girl like my wife, Betty. You mean there's another girl like your wife, Betty? Castell, I love my wife. My Betty's a real cookie. Your wife is a cookie? That's right.
[00:08:19] Unknown:
Abbott, you just said baking back twenty years.
[00:08:25] Unknown:
You'd be lucky to get a girl like my wife. My Betty is always straight from the shoulder. What's a girl that's straight from the shoulder? I like the girl that curves.
[00:08:37] Unknown:
Well, Uncle Bud, Uncle Bud, something terrible just happened to me. And this is really his uncle Bud, and this is the nephew. We don't get about it. He's got the word. Abbott's nephew. Pay attention to what he says, folks. This may be his last performance.
[00:08:57] Unknown:
What is it, Norman?
[00:08:59] Unknown:
Nephew Norman, why are you so excited? Well, bud, when I was coming through the pass in the mountain, a mountain lion jumped right in the car beside me. Yes. Then what happened? The lion killed me. Wait a minute, Norman. You're not dead. Stop crying. You're working on the Evan Costello Show. You're still living. You call this living? Really, though, Cecilia? There goes a brilliant boy. His brain is on a slow boat to the Mayo brothers. Now you lay out, Norman. He's a very intelligent boy. He's always studying reading. Wouldn't hurt you to do a little reading once in a while. Oh, yeah. But I do plenty of reading. When I was seven years old, I started my first book, Little Red Riding Hood. I rented it from the library. The last time I'll ever rent a book from the library. Well, didn't you, like Little Red Riding Hood? Abbot, up to now, I owe that library $2,800.
And Little Red Riding Hood has yet to meet the wolf.
[00:10:00] Unknown:
Little Red Riding Hood. Why don't you read some of the newer books? I just bought Gypsy Rose Lee's new book. It's a story of her life. Well, what does, Gypsy Rose Lee call our new book? The Lake and I.
[00:10:13] Unknown:
Why don't you read something educational? I am, Adam. I just bought a book on inventions. It tells all about new gadgets. I bought one yesterday for my aunt May. What kind of a gadget did you buy for your aunt May? It's a new girl. It's made from surplus paratrooper's harness, and it's a handy little thing. At night, she doesn't have to undress. Doesn't? No. She just jumps off the top of the dresser and pulls a ripcord. That's ridiculous. But, hey, I understand you're working on some kind of a silly invention yourself. And my invention is all finished too, Abbott. It's a new kind of perfume, and all the girls in Hollywood are gonna go crazy about it. All the girls in Hollywood are going crazy about your perfume. Why? Smells like money. I gave a bottle of it to my aunt May. Boy, did it make her popular. Mhmm. You're right. May was never popular. Is that so? Back in Paterson, New Jersey, she was so popular every guy in town used to drink champagne out of her slipper. And what did it get her? She's got the only big toe in the world that belongs to Alcoholics Anonymous.
Mister, what's going on here? It's this darn kid of mine. He won't eat a spinach. Junior, you've gotta eat the spinach. Why ain't you gonna do it? I don't like spinach. When you eat your spinach on Saturday, I'll make you go to the Abbott and cotchtelos pick you Mexican hayride. No. No. You can't do that to me. I'll eat my spinach, until my boss can't do that. Yeah. But I'd I'd like to take that kid over to San Anita Center. What for? I wanna drop him in a claiming race. Oh, hello, boy. Hey. Look, Costello. It's Viola. Uh-huh, Viola. You look very lovely tonight. Viola, I understand that you and Costello had a date last night. Where'd you go? Well, Costello had a terrible time making up his mind where to take Well, you see, I was trying to make up my mind between Ciro's and the Macombo. But we finally went where?
[00:12:13] Unknown:
To a hamburger stand between Ciro's and the Macombo.
[00:12:18] Unknown:
Well, don't you worry. If you'll after we're married, things will be different. We'll have lots of little ones, and they'll all look like me.
[00:12:24] Unknown:
Gee. I'd always planned on having children.
[00:12:31] Unknown:
I'd planned on having a few laughs here. Are you sure you're reading the same script?
[00:12:37] Unknown:
Lou, you shouldn't be jealous of me. I I don't wanna be a comedian. I don't wanna make people laugh. Okay. Then you read my lines.
[00:12:46] Unknown:
Castello, you can't be funny without me. You need me. Why where would Edgar Morgan be without Shelley McCaughey? Where would Amos be without Andy? That's true. Certainly. One thing goes with the another, like Dorothy Lamour. Where would she be with her without her sarong? I don't know, but I sure would like to be there.
[00:13:06] Unknown:
Costello, I I think you're girl crazy. I'm not the girl for you. Yoli, you can't leave me. What would I do without you? Uh-huh. Don't worry about that. I'll pick you up with a girlfriend of mine. Oh, you'll be just crazy about this girl. When she meets you, she'll rush over and she'll throw her arms around you like this, and she'll squeeze you like this. Yes. And and she'll she'll kiss you like this and this and this and this. There. Now what do you think of that?
[00:13:39] Unknown:
When am I gonna meet this girl?
[00:13:48] Unknown:
Viola, why don't you take pity on Castello and marry him? Then you'll be known as missus Louis g Castello.
[00:13:55] Unknown:
G? Oh, what does the g stand for, Costello? Don't you tell her, Evelyn. Come on now. What does it stand for? George? No. I don't wanna tell you. Oh, come on, Costello. What does the g stand for? Oh, do I have to tell you? Yes.
[00:14:11] Unknown:
Stands for Gloria. Gloria? Yes. My mother always wanted a girl, and my father didn't have the heart to tell her. Layla, why don't you pick it, Kazdel, and come to the movies tonight and see our latest picture, Mexican Hayride. Oh, thanks, bud. But I I saw the picture already. Oh, you did? Tell me. How did you like my acting? Well, it was,
[00:14:39] Unknown:
I I see. Well well, let me put it this way. You know how Van Johnson has that dramatic touch? Oh, yes. And how Clark Gable has that forceful personality? Yes. And how Gregory Peck gives that little artistic extra something?
[00:14:55] Unknown:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But but but what about me?
[00:14:58] Unknown:
Costello, can you drive a taxicab? Oh,
[00:15:03] Unknown:
no. Hey, Costello. Come here. How did you get your clothes so dirty? Just just look at your coat. It's torn and your shirt is ripped and, Eddie, my full evidence. Right. I was out on one of my Sam's trouble detective cases last night. I investigated a robbery at the fraternity house in UCLA, but I miscalculated. Got into one of the girls' dormitories. How did you manage to do that? By careful miscalculation. Pascal, instead of running around nights on those silly Sam shovel cases, you should stay home. Well, I do stay home a lot of it. It. Every night last week, I stayed home. I cleaned the house. I got a terrible servo problem. I find it very difficult to hold of me. Now what makes it so difficult for you to hold of me? My mother keeps walking in the room. Never mind that. I understand I understand you took your brother Pat to the movies last night. Yes. But I ain't taking him back to the movies no more. He acts very strange. The minute we got into the movie, Pat put his hat under the seat. Well, what's strange about that? Once the men put their, their hat under the seat? While their head is still in it?
[00:16:02] Unknown:
Oh, nonsense.
[00:16:04] Unknown:
Hey. Wait a minute. Come here. What is that big manuscript you're carrying under your arm? Well, I didn't wanna tell you, but it's a book that I wrote. A book you wrote? It's the first chapter. The hero is threatened by a mad doctor who tries to remove his head. The second chapter, he meets a demented butcher who tries to put him in a meat grinder. Then it ends where three maniacs tied him to a tree and a squad in a wild woodpeckers peck holes in them. But nobody wants to publish it. Why not? I guess people are sick of them mushy love stories. What did you say, I'm shoveled a detective story about tonight? Well, tonight, I do one of my most famous cases. I call it the case of the photographer who was stuck up in a dark room or he was caught with his prints down.
[00:16:45] Unknown:
Well, sounds terrible, but let's do it.
[00:16:55] Unknown:
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[00:17:50] Unknown:
Give me liberty or give me justice.
[00:17:56] Unknown:
That Patrick Henry never gives up. And now the makers of Bebop Bubble Bath bring you your favorite thriller mystery. Here he is, Sam Shovel, private detective.
[00:18:14] Unknown:
Yes. I'm Sam Shovel. Sam Shovel, private detective. The detective business has been running slow lately. Last night, having nothing to do, I went to a big public library and buried my nose in my book. Morning, I had a heck of a job finding it. I forgot what book I buried it in. Here comes my secretary now. Did you call me, mister Shuffle? Don't be silly. Why should I call you mister Shuffle? My name is mister Shevel. By the way, miss Jones, did you find a file on a crook, Joe Kirk? What's his name? Who? Joe Kirk. Never heard of him. Miss Jones, you and I have got to work late in the office tonight. Are you prepared? Oh, yes. I brought my brass knuckles, my fencing mask, and a baseball bat.
Clever girl. She's so stylish. She was voted one of the ten ten best dressed women in Azusa. That's not so remarkable when you consider there's only nine other women in Azusa. Suddenly, the interoffice communication system buzzes.
[00:19:24] Unknown:
It's my secretary. She speaks. Mister Shevel, there are two men here to see you about a case. Mister Cohen and chief Lightfoot running, dear.
[00:19:33] Unknown:
I'll see the Indian first.
[00:19:35] Unknown:
Please go in town, mister Cohen.
[00:19:41] Unknown:
The cops have certainly got their hands full these days, full of fives, tens, twenties. I think of my pal, Lieutenant Abbott of the homicide squad. Abbott has been on the police force for twenty years. He knows which side his bread is buttered on. He could take any piece of bread and say this side is buttered.
[00:20:02] Unknown:
Sam,
[00:20:03] Unknown:
I'm on the trail of Zeke, hillbilly moonshiner, burglar. Lieutenant Abbott, I'll be glad to help you. What do you want? Hello? You've seen Zeke? Give me a thumbnail description of him. Well, he uses liquid polish, and his tunic was pushed way back.
[00:20:19] Unknown:
Ma'am, I want you to go with me to the Ozarks. I've gotta capture Zeke. It'll be a dangerous trip. Those hillbillies are strange people. They're always arguing, shooting, and farming. Yep. Shooting, fighting, and fertilizing. Come on, Sam. We're heading for the hill.
[00:20:41] Unknown:
Lieutenant Abbott and I arrived in the hillbilly country. Sam,
[00:20:45] Unknown:
these hillbillies are strange people, but you have to admit they're solid citizen. They've got both feet on the ground.
[00:20:52] Unknown:
They've got to have both feet on the ground. They don't wear shoes. I read in the papers for a 75 year old Hillbill. He wanted to marry a girl, nine years old. Did he marry her? Nope. His parents objected. They didn't want him marrying a girl who'd been divorced three times.
[00:21:11] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Sam. Here comes a bunch of hillbillies.
[00:21:14] Unknown:
Let's let's ask let's ask if they know where Zeke is. Howdy, strangers. I'm Jim Hartfield. He's here my son.
[00:21:21] Unknown:
I'm Sam Schevel, the detective, and this is lieutenant Abbott. Boy, say hello to the strangers. Them? No. Clem?
[00:21:32] Unknown:
Bert? Sir? Bert went to military school.
[00:21:44] Unknown:
I I don't like the looks of these guys, Abbott. Anyone who's got an ear of corn and two pumpkins. So what? They're farmers, and farmers have corn and pumpkins. Rolling out of their heads.
[00:21:55] Unknown:
Well, gotta go now. We're working on a farm. Two weeks ago, we dug a hole. Last week, we dropped the seed in it. Today, we're gonna cover it up. Do you always work that hard? Yeah. Except when the weather gets bad, then it slows us up a little. So long.
[00:22:16] Unknown:
On. Boy, is that guy a little? If he was a chicken, eggs and television sets would be the same price.
[00:22:25] Unknown:
Never mind him, Sam. We've gotta find Zeke, the moonshiner. Hey. Look over there behind those bushes.
[00:22:31] Unknown:
There's Zeke's. There's Zeke. The moonshiner's still come on. Hey. Look. Look. There's Zeke. He's making corn liquor. He's jumping up and down on the corn, crushing it. Hold on there, Zeke. You got your card. You're under arrest.
[00:22:51] Unknown:
Stop mashing that corn with your feet. What are you doing?
[00:22:54] Unknown:
I'm making some 90 fruit corn liquor. And tomorrow I'm gonna make something that's a hundred fruit. How do you do that? With that, I take off my shoes. See, how do you make that corn liquor? Well, first, I mash up the corn, then I dump in a gallon of turpentine, then a gallon of Clorox, two quarts of juniper juice.
[00:23:18] Unknown:
Don't you put no alcohol in it? Why?
[00:23:21] Unknown:
Ruin the taste?
[00:23:26] Unknown:
Jake, we're taking you to jail. Sam, grab some of that moonshine for evidence. You better taste it to make sure we got the right stuff. Lieutenant Abbott, you know I never touched this stuff?
[00:23:37] Unknown:
You're a brave detective, m. Sam Shevaty. Guard your coward. Taste it. That stuff will grow hair on your chest. He's only kidding, Sam. Go ahead and taste it. Okay.
With Lucky Lane slots, you can get lucky just about anywhere. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to has anyone seen the bride and groom?
[00:00:09] Unknown:
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[00:00:14] Unknown:
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[00:00:18] Unknown:
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[00:00:21] Unknown:
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[00:00:35] Unknown:
This is your captain speaking. We've got clear runway, and the weather is fine, but we're just gonna circle up here a while and, get lucky. No. No. Nothing like that. It's just these cash prizes add up quick. So I suggest you sit back, keep your tray table upright, and start getting lucky.
[00:00:50] Unknown:
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[00:01:10] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. Alright. Hold on. Cut out that yelling. What's all you'd say, man? Well, I went to a party last night. I mean, we're 30 girls here. Not one of them would dance with me or even talk to me. You didn't have any fun then? No. I was as lonesome as Fed Ellen on Sunday night. I thought you were such a big shot with a girl. I don't believe you ever had a girl. Oh, yes. I did have it. I had a very beautiful little blonde once, and everything was swell until one day she ran off to Florida. She married a guy, and now she has five children. After that, we just sort of drifted apart. Why don't you speak to my wife, Lou? She's a nice guy. No, no. Your wife don't like me at it. Well, hang around with her.
You eventually get into her skin. Well, I guess one more lump won't hurt her. I how can you talk that way about my wife? Remember the first night you met her? Yes. The minute she walked in the room, I said, there's either an ugly woman or a good looking man.
[00:02:06] Unknown:
That's the only you know you're getting more stupid every day. Gee, thanks, Abbot. I'm glad to know I'm not stagnating. Before the boys get any further involved in nonsense, here's a thought that makes good sense. Alright, Gusto. Stop that hollering. What's that thing you've got under your arm? That's my new Harry Truman rifle.
[00:03:50] Unknown:
Harry Truman rifle? Yes. A 48 repeater. What happened to you last night? I called your house and you weren't home. Well, I went to the movies, Abbot. House is one of those old time pictures. It was all about the Romans. They had a chariot race in it, and it was won by a guy named Ben Hymn.
[00:04:10] Unknown:
Yeah. You dummy. You mean Ben Harr. Not him, her.
[00:04:14] Unknown:
They were all dressed up in a bed sheet. You couldn't tell the hymns from the herd. I wonder if you'd gone to school, Lou. You'd you'd known the story of Ben Heir. Did you go to school, Abbot? Certainly. I started in nursery school, then I went to kindergarten. So what? I started in nursery school. I went to kindergarten. And I went from kindergarten to grammar school. So what? I went to kindergarten to grammar school. I went from grammar school to high school. Do you think it'll be as short as a meatball this summer?
[00:04:40] Unknown:
I'm telling you, you've got the brain of a monkey.
[00:04:43] Unknown:
I'll bet you have not. Yeah? When do you wanna bet? 15 bananas. I ain't insinuated that I'm ignorant? Abbot, you're nothing but a Hollywood character. Oh, what's a Hollywood character? A jerk with a personality. I'll ignore that remark because of your ignorance. Who's who who who's ignorant? When I went to school, I specialized in history. I can name off all the most important dates in history. Alright. Go ahead. Name some important dates. Oh, I will. There's, 1492, '17 '70 '6, '18 '12, '19 '17, Rita Haywood. Now wait a minute. Wait a minute.
[00:05:18] Unknown:
Rita Haywood is not an important date. Ali Khan seems to think so. No. Costello, why don't you listen to me? Take my advice advice once in a while. I'm your friend. I realize you're not a that you're an idiot. I I wanna assist you, Lou. Well, good thing you do me. You're just an assistant to an idiot.
[00:05:39] Unknown:
Well, just look at here. Your your dumpy is. Not just Now hold it, Abbot. Why do you need me? I'm up for so much of that toll. Now it's not my fault that I didn't grow tall like the other boys. When I was a little boy over in Scotland, I used to play the bagpipes, but it gave me pneumonia.
[00:05:56] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Now look. Wait a minute.
[00:06:00] Unknown:
How did playing the bagpipes give you pneumonia? There was a leak in the bag, and the air kept blowing up my kilts. Instead of wearing a wish broom in front of my kilts like the rest of the Scotsman, I had to wear a hot water bottle.
[00:06:17] Unknown:
You must have had a very poor childhood, Stella.
[00:06:19] Unknown:
I did have it. We were very poor. My mother had to work and she had to take and wash it. She had to scrub off his floor. She worked like a she worked as a blacksmith. She drove an oil truck. And one time for three years, she worked in a daytime as as a waitress and worked at night in a coal mine. Well, what what did your father do? He kept the books. Well, I guess you had a pretty tough time when you were a kid. Yes. I'll never forget the day my mother made my first pair of long pants. It had 12 buttons down the back and four pockets in the front.
[00:06:48] Unknown:
Well, what she make them out of? My father's oldest.
[00:06:52] Unknown:
I was the only kid. I was the only kid in school that had a watch bar hanging from my knee. Were you very popular with the other kids in school, Luke? I was a pitcher on a baseball team. What a pitcher I was. I had a drop ball, a slow ball, a curve ball. Did did you have a screwball? That was before I met you, Evan. Alright. Yeah. Dummy, you ought to be back in school right now. For your information, Evan, I'm keeping steady company with a red headed school teacher. What does she teach? She has a high school class of men all over 40 years old. 40 year old man. Why don't they go to college? When she gets through teaching them, there's nothing else to learn.
[00:07:29] Unknown:
Running around with a school teacher? Why don't you find a nice girl and get married? I'm going to, Abbott, as soon as I get some money. Money. Money. Money. Money. Money. Money. Gusto, don't worry about money. Do you realize what money is? Money is the root of all evil. Money is an invention of the devil. Money is filthy lucre. Money causes misery. Money. That's what I think of money.
[00:07:50] Unknown:
May the Bank of America have mercy on your soul.
[00:08:03] Unknown:
Dasteli, you don't need money. What you need is the love of a good woman. Find another girl like my wife, Betty. You mean there's another girl like your wife, Betty? Castell, I love my wife. My Betty's a real cookie. Your wife is a cookie? That's right.
[00:08:19] Unknown:
Abbott, you just said baking back twenty years.
[00:08:25] Unknown:
You'd be lucky to get a girl like my wife. My Betty is always straight from the shoulder. What's a girl that's straight from the shoulder? I like the girl that curves.
[00:08:37] Unknown:
Well, Uncle Bud, Uncle Bud, something terrible just happened to me. And this is really his uncle Bud, and this is the nephew. We don't get about it. He's got the word. Abbott's nephew. Pay attention to what he says, folks. This may be his last performance.
[00:08:57] Unknown:
What is it, Norman?
[00:08:59] Unknown:
Nephew Norman, why are you so excited? Well, bud, when I was coming through the pass in the mountain, a mountain lion jumped right in the car beside me. Yes. Then what happened? The lion killed me. Wait a minute, Norman. You're not dead. Stop crying. You're working on the Evan Costello Show. You're still living. You call this living? Really, though, Cecilia? There goes a brilliant boy. His brain is on a slow boat to the Mayo brothers. Now you lay out, Norman. He's a very intelligent boy. He's always studying reading. Wouldn't hurt you to do a little reading once in a while. Oh, yeah. But I do plenty of reading. When I was seven years old, I started my first book, Little Red Riding Hood. I rented it from the library. The last time I'll ever rent a book from the library. Well, didn't you, like Little Red Riding Hood? Abbot, up to now, I owe that library $2,800.
And Little Red Riding Hood has yet to meet the wolf.
[00:10:00] Unknown:
Little Red Riding Hood. Why don't you read some of the newer books? I just bought Gypsy Rose Lee's new book. It's a story of her life. Well, what does, Gypsy Rose Lee call our new book? The Lake and I.
[00:10:13] Unknown:
Why don't you read something educational? I am, Adam. I just bought a book on inventions. It tells all about new gadgets. I bought one yesterday for my aunt May. What kind of a gadget did you buy for your aunt May? It's a new girl. It's made from surplus paratrooper's harness, and it's a handy little thing. At night, she doesn't have to undress. Doesn't? No. She just jumps off the top of the dresser and pulls a ripcord. That's ridiculous. But, hey, I understand you're working on some kind of a silly invention yourself. And my invention is all finished too, Abbott. It's a new kind of perfume, and all the girls in Hollywood are gonna go crazy about it. All the girls in Hollywood are going crazy about your perfume. Why? Smells like money. I gave a bottle of it to my aunt May. Boy, did it make her popular. Mhmm. You're right. May was never popular. Is that so? Back in Paterson, New Jersey, she was so popular every guy in town used to drink champagne out of her slipper. And what did it get her? She's got the only big toe in the world that belongs to Alcoholics Anonymous.
Mister, what's going on here? It's this darn kid of mine. He won't eat a spinach. Junior, you've gotta eat the spinach. Why ain't you gonna do it? I don't like spinach. When you eat your spinach on Saturday, I'll make you go to the Abbott and cotchtelos pick you Mexican hayride. No. No. You can't do that to me. I'll eat my spinach, until my boss can't do that. Yeah. But I'd I'd like to take that kid over to San Anita Center. What for? I wanna drop him in a claiming race. Oh, hello, boy. Hey. Look, Costello. It's Viola. Uh-huh, Viola. You look very lovely tonight. Viola, I understand that you and Costello had a date last night. Where'd you go? Well, Costello had a terrible time making up his mind where to take Well, you see, I was trying to make up my mind between Ciro's and the Macombo. But we finally went where?
[00:12:13] Unknown:
To a hamburger stand between Ciro's and the Macombo.
[00:12:18] Unknown:
Well, don't you worry. If you'll after we're married, things will be different. We'll have lots of little ones, and they'll all look like me.
[00:12:24] Unknown:
Gee. I'd always planned on having children.
[00:12:31] Unknown:
I'd planned on having a few laughs here. Are you sure you're reading the same script?
[00:12:37] Unknown:
Lou, you shouldn't be jealous of me. I I don't wanna be a comedian. I don't wanna make people laugh. Okay. Then you read my lines.
[00:12:46] Unknown:
Castello, you can't be funny without me. You need me. Why where would Edgar Morgan be without Shelley McCaughey? Where would Amos be without Andy? That's true. Certainly. One thing goes with the another, like Dorothy Lamour. Where would she be with her without her sarong? I don't know, but I sure would like to be there.
[00:13:06] Unknown:
Costello, I I think you're girl crazy. I'm not the girl for you. Yoli, you can't leave me. What would I do without you? Uh-huh. Don't worry about that. I'll pick you up with a girlfriend of mine. Oh, you'll be just crazy about this girl. When she meets you, she'll rush over and she'll throw her arms around you like this, and she'll squeeze you like this. Yes. And and she'll she'll kiss you like this and this and this and this. There. Now what do you think of that?
[00:13:39] Unknown:
When am I gonna meet this girl?
[00:13:48] Unknown:
Viola, why don't you take pity on Castello and marry him? Then you'll be known as missus Louis g Castello.
[00:13:55] Unknown:
G? Oh, what does the g stand for, Costello? Don't you tell her, Evelyn. Come on now. What does it stand for? George? No. I don't wanna tell you. Oh, come on, Costello. What does the g stand for? Oh, do I have to tell you? Yes.
[00:14:11] Unknown:
Stands for Gloria. Gloria? Yes. My mother always wanted a girl, and my father didn't have the heart to tell her. Layla, why don't you pick it, Kazdel, and come to the movies tonight and see our latest picture, Mexican Hayride. Oh, thanks, bud. But I I saw the picture already. Oh, you did? Tell me. How did you like my acting? Well, it was,
[00:14:39] Unknown:
I I see. Well well, let me put it this way. You know how Van Johnson has that dramatic touch? Oh, yes. And how Clark Gable has that forceful personality? Yes. And how Gregory Peck gives that little artistic extra something?
[00:14:55] Unknown:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But but but what about me?
[00:14:58] Unknown:
Costello, can you drive a taxicab? Oh,
[00:15:03] Unknown:
no. Hey, Costello. Come here. How did you get your clothes so dirty? Just just look at your coat. It's torn and your shirt is ripped and, Eddie, my full evidence. Right. I was out on one of my Sam's trouble detective cases last night. I investigated a robbery at the fraternity house in UCLA, but I miscalculated. Got into one of the girls' dormitories. How did you manage to do that? By careful miscalculation. Pascal, instead of running around nights on those silly Sam shovel cases, you should stay home. Well, I do stay home a lot of it. It. Every night last week, I stayed home. I cleaned the house. I got a terrible servo problem. I find it very difficult to hold of me. Now what makes it so difficult for you to hold of me? My mother keeps walking in the room. Never mind that. I understand I understand you took your brother Pat to the movies last night. Yes. But I ain't taking him back to the movies no more. He acts very strange. The minute we got into the movie, Pat put his hat under the seat. Well, what's strange about that? Once the men put their, their hat under the seat? While their head is still in it?
[00:16:02] Unknown:
Oh, nonsense.
[00:16:04] Unknown:
Hey. Wait a minute. Come here. What is that big manuscript you're carrying under your arm? Well, I didn't wanna tell you, but it's a book that I wrote. A book you wrote? It's the first chapter. The hero is threatened by a mad doctor who tries to remove his head. The second chapter, he meets a demented butcher who tries to put him in a meat grinder. Then it ends where three maniacs tied him to a tree and a squad in a wild woodpeckers peck holes in them. But nobody wants to publish it. Why not? I guess people are sick of them mushy love stories. What did you say, I'm shoveled a detective story about tonight? Well, tonight, I do one of my most famous cases. I call it the case of the photographer who was stuck up in a dark room or he was caught with his prints down.
[00:16:45] Unknown:
Well, sounds terrible, but let's do it.
[00:16:55] Unknown:
And now the makers of Bebop Bubble Bath present the adventures of Sam Shuttle Private Detective. But first, a word about our product, Bebop Bubble Bath. Friend, would you like bubbles in your bathtub? You would? Well, why not call up Bubbles and see if she needs a bath? Ladies, try Bebop Bubble Bath. We don't ask you to buy the large size, mind you. Just try a trial size package. That contains a seven year supply. You'll find that if you use Bebop Bubble Bath every day for seven years, you'll have skin just like a baby, a baby alligator.
Listen to what people all over the country are saying about Bebop Bubble Bath in Kansas. Give me Bebop Bubble Bath. In New Jersey. Give me Bebop Bubble Bath. In Oregon. Give me Bebop Bubble Bath. In Virginia.
[00:17:50] Unknown:
Give me liberty or give me justice.
[00:17:56] Unknown:
That Patrick Henry never gives up. And now the makers of Bebop Bubble Bath bring you your favorite thriller mystery. Here he is, Sam Shovel, private detective.
[00:18:14] Unknown:
Yes. I'm Sam Shovel. Sam Shovel, private detective. The detective business has been running slow lately. Last night, having nothing to do, I went to a big public library and buried my nose in my book. Morning, I had a heck of a job finding it. I forgot what book I buried it in. Here comes my secretary now. Did you call me, mister Shuffle? Don't be silly. Why should I call you mister Shuffle? My name is mister Shevel. By the way, miss Jones, did you find a file on a crook, Joe Kirk? What's his name? Who? Joe Kirk. Never heard of him. Miss Jones, you and I have got to work late in the office tonight. Are you prepared? Oh, yes. I brought my brass knuckles, my fencing mask, and a baseball bat.
Clever girl. She's so stylish. She was voted one of the ten ten best dressed women in Azusa. That's not so remarkable when you consider there's only nine other women in Azusa. Suddenly, the interoffice communication system buzzes.
[00:19:24] Unknown:
It's my secretary. She speaks. Mister Shevel, there are two men here to see you about a case. Mister Cohen and chief Lightfoot running, dear.
[00:19:33] Unknown:
I'll see the Indian first.
[00:19:35] Unknown:
Please go in town, mister Cohen.
[00:19:41] Unknown:
The cops have certainly got their hands full these days, full of fives, tens, twenties. I think of my pal, Lieutenant Abbott of the homicide squad. Abbott has been on the police force for twenty years. He knows which side his bread is buttered on. He could take any piece of bread and say this side is buttered.
[00:20:02] Unknown:
Sam,
[00:20:03] Unknown:
I'm on the trail of Zeke, hillbilly moonshiner, burglar. Lieutenant Abbott, I'll be glad to help you. What do you want? Hello? You've seen Zeke? Give me a thumbnail description of him. Well, he uses liquid polish, and his tunic was pushed way back.
[00:20:19] Unknown:
Ma'am, I want you to go with me to the Ozarks. I've gotta capture Zeke. It'll be a dangerous trip. Those hillbillies are strange people. They're always arguing, shooting, and farming. Yep. Shooting, fighting, and fertilizing. Come on, Sam. We're heading for the hill.
[00:20:41] Unknown:
Lieutenant Abbott and I arrived in the hillbilly country. Sam,
[00:20:45] Unknown:
these hillbillies are strange people, but you have to admit they're solid citizen. They've got both feet on the ground.
[00:20:52] Unknown:
They've got to have both feet on the ground. They don't wear shoes. I read in the papers for a 75 year old Hillbill. He wanted to marry a girl, nine years old. Did he marry her? Nope. His parents objected. They didn't want him marrying a girl who'd been divorced three times.
[00:21:11] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Sam. Here comes a bunch of hillbillies.
[00:21:14] Unknown:
Let's let's ask let's ask if they know where Zeke is. Howdy, strangers. I'm Jim Hartfield. He's here my son.
[00:21:21] Unknown:
I'm Sam Schevel, the detective, and this is lieutenant Abbott. Boy, say hello to the strangers. Them? No. Clem?
[00:21:32] Unknown:
Bert? Sir? Bert went to military school.
[00:21:44] Unknown:
I I don't like the looks of these guys, Abbott. Anyone who's got an ear of corn and two pumpkins. So what? They're farmers, and farmers have corn and pumpkins. Rolling out of their heads.
[00:21:55] Unknown:
Well, gotta go now. We're working on a farm. Two weeks ago, we dug a hole. Last week, we dropped the seed in it. Today, we're gonna cover it up. Do you always work that hard? Yeah. Except when the weather gets bad, then it slows us up a little. So long.
[00:22:16] Unknown:
On. Boy, is that guy a little? If he was a chicken, eggs and television sets would be the same price.
[00:22:25] Unknown:
Never mind him, Sam. We've gotta find Zeke, the moonshiner. Hey. Look over there behind those bushes.
[00:22:31] Unknown:
There's Zeke's. There's Zeke. The moonshiner's still come on. Hey. Look. Look. There's Zeke. He's making corn liquor. He's jumping up and down on the corn, crushing it. Hold on there, Zeke. You got your card. You're under arrest.
[00:22:51] Unknown:
Stop mashing that corn with your feet. What are you doing?
[00:22:54] Unknown:
I'm making some 90 fruit corn liquor. And tomorrow I'm gonna make something that's a hundred fruit. How do you do that? With that, I take off my shoes. See, how do you make that corn liquor? Well, first, I mash up the corn, then I dump in a gallon of turpentine, then a gallon of Clorox, two quarts of juniper juice.
[00:23:18] Unknown:
Don't you put no alcohol in it? Why?
[00:23:21] Unknown:
Ruin the taste?
[00:23:26] Unknown:
Jake, we're taking you to jail. Sam, grab some of that moonshine for evidence. You better taste it to make sure we got the right stuff. Lieutenant Abbott, you know I never touched this stuff?
[00:23:37] Unknown:
You're a brave detective, m. Sam Shevaty. Guard your coward. Taste it. That stuff will grow hair on your chest. He's only kidding, Sam. Go ahead and taste it. Okay.
