Join us as we dive into a comedic adventure filled with wordplay and slapstick humor. The episode kicks off with a playful exchange about Valentine's Day, leading to a hilarious misunderstanding between street and saint, showcasing the classic Abbott and Costello banter. As the conversation unfolds, we are introduced to a series of characters, each adding their unique flair to the comedic chaos, including a sound effects enthusiast and a pompous actor, Charles Laughton, who brings his own brand of humor to the mix.
The episode takes a theatrical turn with a parody of "Robinson Crusoe," featuring Costello as the titular character and Laughton as his man Friday. The play is filled with absurd sound effects, witty exchanges, and a series of comedic mishaps as the cast navigates through a shipwreck and encounters with natives. The humor is relentless, with each character contributing to the farcical narrative, ensuring a laugh-out-loud experience for listeners.
(00:00) Introduction to The Godfather Slot
(00:34) Winning Moves at Chumba Casino
(01:08) Valentine's Day Confusion
(03:06) Costello's Valentine and Sound Effects
(06:00) Robinson Crusoe Play Rehearsal
(08:05) Charles Laughton's Visit
(12:19) The Adventures of Robinson Crusoe
(15:04) Island Survival and Voodoo Queen
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis, and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Introducing the Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champacasino.com.
[00:00:28] Unknown:
Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VW Group. Boy, we're prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chumba Casino. At chumba casino dot com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com. No purchase necessary. PWT. Avoid prohibited by law. See terms and conditions, 18 plus.
[00:01:08] Unknown:
Oh, there you are, Costello. What's all the excitement? All the excitement. I was just out shopping at it, and I bought a beautiful Valentine. You know, next Monday is street Valentine's Day. What day? Street Valentine's Day. Here it is right on the card. See it? What? S T Street. Oh, you dummy. That's, Saint Valentine. S T means, saint. Who are you sending it to? Oh, to miss Carol Lou. One five six South Main Saint. South South Main Saint. Yeah. That's where my girl is. What do you mean? On South Main Saint. What are you talking about? It's T. Oh, that F T means street. You said it was Saint. Now make up your mind. Look. When it's an address, it's street. Now read it again. Miss Carol Lou. One five six South Main Street. Now that's better. Street, Lewis, Missouri. Just a minute, Costello.
That's Saint Louis, Missouri. Yeah. But that's an address. Yes. But this time, it's Saint. Well, make up your mind. Sometimes it's street and sometimes it's Saint. 1 is it is and one is it ain't. Okay. Well, Costello, let me clear this up for you. You live on the street, don't you? Yeah. No. I live on a doctor. You live on a doctor? Yeah. I live on a doctor. Here's my address on a card. Blue Costello, 139 Beverly Doctor. Let let me let me see that. Go ahead. You eat the card. D R. That is in doctor. That's Drive. Drive, you dummy. Drive. What? On an a card? Well, well, what's all the argument here, bud? Oh, it's K Miles.
Costello is just showing me a Valentine. Oh, no. That's a coincidence. I have a Valentine for Costello too. Listen to this. Dear Lou, roses are red, violets are pink. I saw your picture last night, and you certainly do. Alright. Quiet, Niles, or I'll bore a hole in your head and let the sap run out. Yes. And you're the four who can do it. Oh, dear. I was hot as a hot dog tonight. Injustice, pull up a pony too. Costello, why do you always fight with Niles? That's right, Costello. You should be glad you got me. I could be a lift on any program. Then how come you're a jerk on this one? Oh, quiet, Costello. By the way, Ken, where's your wife? Oh, I left her at home. She's writing a play to do on the program tonight. She's writing a play? What does she know about play? Why, I'll have you know that my beautiful wife spent years in stock.
Didn't the other cattle object? I heard that remark, you b 19 with a nose. I said it so you'd hear it. Now, missus Niles, I knew you'd be here today. I read it in the newspaper. The newspaper? Yes. The weather reports a big wind coming. Uh-huh. Jacket you have on. Alright. Never mind then. Like sea biscuit. Alright. Never mind that. I'll start, Stella. Please. Missus Niles, Ken tells us that you are working on a play for us tonight, for our program. Now I didn't know that you had literally incognition.
[00:04:13] Unknown:
Oh, indeed. Yes. I'm always reading. You'll always find me with my nose in a book. How can you read it from way out there?
[00:04:24] Unknown:
Oh, oh, I just adore the old writers, Dickens Works and Packerys and Byron's and, of course, Keith. Oh, don't you just love Keith? Oh, yes. I love keeps. I love all kinds of keeps. Big teeth, little teeth. Hello. Let's talk to you. Oh, quit interrupting, Costello. Tell me, missus Niles. What is your play about? Oh, it's a thrilling adaptation of that famous story, Robinson Crusoe. Oh, and what a great part for me. Oh,
[00:04:51] Unknown:
I play the voodoo queen of the island.
[00:04:53] Unknown:
I am beautiful, breathtaking, luscious, and exciting. Where can you buy that much makeup? Oh, oh, I'm not going to stand here and be insulted. Here, mister Abbott, is a copy of the play. I'll be back later. Oh, that's fine. Now, Abbott, I'm getting sick and tired of this. Everybody wants to be in a play. The next thing you know, even Botswood, Wink, our sound man, he'll want some kind of a part. And why shouldn't I want a part, mister Castillo? I'm human, ain't I? What a spot for an ad lib. Now just a minute, Botsford. What could you do in the play? What could any sound man do? I could give you sound. The sound of a cat licking its chin. The sound of a grape scratching its skin.
The sound of a mosquito making its the sound of a seltzer making it these sounds I can give you, I bought for twink. And if you don't use me, your program will Uh-huh. Your program will suffer. Oh, boy. I thought he was gonna say s t I n k. That Costello. What's the matter? Did I spell it wrong? I'll get out of here. Well, Costello, have you read the play that missus Miles left here? I'm reading it now, Abbott. But, wait a minute. You're reading it upside down. You think it's cheesy? Now, Abbott, I decided to play the leading part, Robinson Crusoe. You're going to play the lead. Well, isn't there a part in it for me? There certainly is. And the second act, you go away to forget. Well, don't I do anything in the first act? That's what you go away to forget.
So, mister Castillo. Have you found a place for me to do my sound effects? Oh, but but what sound effects can you do? Lots of them, mister Costello. Did you ever hear a mountain calling to its sun? A mountain going to its sun? Of course not. I'll show you. A mountain calling to its sun. Hey, Cliff. Hey. You know, that's good. That's just a bluff. I Well, here's another one. A mother flower calling to a baby flower. Hiya, bud. And did you ever did you ever hear a snake asking for chewing gum? How does it go? Wiggly, wiggly, wiggly, wiggly. Pastel.
But what is wonderful? Now what's so wonderful about that? I mean, I can do a sound that you never heard before. Well, let's hear it. Okay. A husband talking back to his wife. That's all. Come on. Come on. Come on, Costello. Give Botford a chance in the play. Okay, Abbott. Now listen, Botford. You can be in a play, but remember, don't make any sound effect till I give you the word and the sound in the queue. Yes, mister Costello. This is your chance to be a big shot. Big shot. Yes, sir. That isn't a word. Wait for the play. Come in. Tell me, is this the Abbott and Costello program?
What do you think it is? I'm sorry. I just walked past the glue factory. I haven't noticed any change. Yes. Who is this fresh guy? Costello. It's that great actor, Charles Laughton. Now listen, Laughton. If you don't like my program, what are you doing here? My next picture, I play the part of a moron, and I came over to see how they act. So you're gonna play the part of a moron, Lawton? That's right. That's what I call perfect casting. How do you like that, Petco? Costello. You can't call a man like mister Lawton, Taco. Why not? What's the nickname for Charles? It's Chuck. What's a Chuck? That's a roast. And what's a roast? A roast is a fat piece of meat. Now cut that out, customer. The overlapping here? Never mind that.
Mister Lawson is a polished gentleman. He looks like he's Gillette. I see here, Costello. I've only seen you once before for which I'm very thankful. However, in the event I permit such a catastrophe to occur again, I shall depart as a measure of self discipline to a small tropical island. There I shall mount my head on a tripod and spend my declining years kicking myself in the face at regular five minute intervals. Well, with your face, it would be an improvement. Area, Costello. None of that now. Hey. By the way, miss Lawton, how would you like to appear in our play tonight? We're going to do the big shipwreck thing from Robinson Crusoe. Flint, I I I love the water, the broad ocean. Matter of fact, I I spent the last week at Del Mar where the turf meets the surf.
Oh, really? Really? You met at Del Mar with the turf, mister Turf? Really? You heard him. I heard him. I spent a day at Ocean Park where the debris meets the sea. Shut up, Costello, please. Tell me, as the play starts, we board the ship and go off in search of adventure. Yes. I'm Robert the Caruso, the captain, and I'm sailing my boat around the horn. Horn? Yes, sir. Hang on. Hang on. Let's get out of here. What? Now what? Alright. I might take it easy. Alright. I don't get excited. Alright. He's gonna fall off the whole plane. Never mind. Take it easy. Now listen. Now get away, bud. I'll I'll I'll let you have it. Alright. Never mind. Now back to my ex. Mister Lawton, we're in the middle of the ocean and a big storm comes up. The boat begins to break up because it's only an old bark. Bark? Yes, sir.
Hey. Get out of here. What is it? Stop that barking. Go on with the play. What happened to the boat? It sinks. It sinks. So does the play. Alright. Just a minute, Charlie. It's really a good script, and you have a fine part. You play Costello's man on Friday. What? You're asking me to play second fiddle with his overstuffed porcupine? I'll have you gentlemen know that I was who's got offered a great dramatic program of my own. You were, were you? What's the name of it? One hand family? Costello, do you expect to play the part of a captain when I come from a family of seafaring men? It was my great great grandfather, sir Thomas, who sailed with Drake in 1588 and defeated the Spanish Armada.
It is my great uncle Reginald who stood at the side of Lord Nelson at the Battle of Trafalgar. It is my cousin Archibald, bless his heart, nice fella, who plotted the course of the admiral at the Battle of Jutland. That's why I like to plant my feet on the deck of a ship to feel the rolling stuff beneath me and the ocean spray upon my face. That's why I like the salt air. I love the salt air. I must have the salt air. Okay, Lawton. Right after the program, come on over to my house and I'll send you with a hurry. Get out of here. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. We present our play, The Adventures of Robinson Crusoe, starring the Abbott and Costello seafood cocktail players.
And little shrimp Costello plays Robinson Crusoe. That old crab Charles Laughton plays his man, Friday. And Bud Abbott is just along for the halibut. Who the hell is that? Come on, Niles. And ask the player I'll help you with a smelt. As the scene opens, Robinson, Costello, and Bud Abbott are aboard ship in the midst of a terrific storm, and the ship is sinking. Come on, Costello. We have to dive old Vaughn. The ship is about to capsize. Cap what? Capsize. Capsize. Don't you know what capsize is? Yes, sir. Mine's six to seven eight. Quiet.
Come on. We'll have to swim for that island. Come on. Jump in the water. Woohoo. Have it. The water's cold. Alright. Look at me. I'm turning blue and red and pink and purple. I'm freezing in Texanacolor. Stop worrying and start swimming. We've got to make the door. Yeah. But I feel something. A shark is fighting my foe. That can't be a shark. Sharks travel in school. Then this one is playing hockey. Look. Listen, Godzilla. We'll float into shore. Here comes a big wave. I thought I'll wait for a little wet. Here it comes, Godzilla. Come on. Get ready.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Blow up my clothes and dry them, kid. Yep. Well, we made it alright. Now we've gotta find out where we are. There's nothing on this island but dense tropical jungle. Hey, Evan. Look up in that tree. It's a jet. That's a monkey. They sure are fool you, don't they? Hey, Costello. Climb up that tree and see if there are any other signs of life around. But the monkey might bite me. Oh, just speak to him. Okay. Hiya, little monkey. Hiya, brother. Niles, will you sleep out of the place? I'll stay out of here. Hey.
Quiet. I hear someone coming. Yes. It's over there. It's a native man. Speak to him, Costello. Okay. Hello, native. My name, Robinson Costello. We, your friend, you welcome us to island? Greetings, white man. My name Friday. Welcome to this island, you all. Yowza, cheerio, flip flip, all that sort of thing. Yack, yack. Hey, Lawson. What kind of dialect is that? Me native. Speak with a drool. You mean Paul. Paul. No. Drew. Me read Esquire. Enough of this talk, bro. Plenty of lines than me. Now wait a minute. Just a minute. Let's get together here. None of this kind of talk, righty. We both need food and drink. What can you give us? Me give you rubber. All my life, me eat the rubber and drink the sack from the rubber dream. I'll bet you were a bouncing baby. I'll bet you were a bouncing baby. You said that one. Nobody hears me.
Just a moment, Friday. Do you really enjoy this diet of rubber? Oh, yes, traitor. The rubber has a wonderful tang. But how do you feel after you eat this rubber? Oh, it makes me feel like a king, and you want to sing in the spring. I hear a lot more acting. You know? I'd like to leave it down as one. It is going dark. Night is falling. Night is falling. Yes, sir. You see, Abbot, you asked me to get back to your chest, didn't you? Now pull it back in the cage. No more sound effects. If I hear one more people in your box, then I'll give you the bird. Bird? Yes, sir. Middle earth. Nightingale. Robin.
Will you please get out of here? Costello, let's let's get back to the play. Remember? The play is the thing. Who called this thing a play? Hello, Brady. See, you started to warn us about this island. Don't pay any attention to this guy, Abbot. I know every island around here like a cook. I do think Ben's to the BVD Island. The BVD Island? Yes. The West Undies. Undies. That's when I was, that's when I was working at George. God's still over. Sir, will you keep out of this and let me talk? Now tell me, Friday. Do you think we're really in danger? There's no escape for us. Listen. Why even now you can hear the drums of doom. Doom doom doom doom doom. Yacht jelly bum bum doom doom.
Listen to those jive drums, Abbot. What does it mean? It means that the voodoo queen is about to make a human sacrifice. The sacrificial fires are already burning. Oh, no. Now what's the matter? Oh, it's awful. First, they put me in a big pot, and then they take me out of the pot, then they put me back in the pot, and then they take me out of the pot. Wait a minute. Who are you? Oh, just a little poker chip. Stop making that ace of yourself. Never mind, young Costello. Come quickly. We must run for our lives. Yes. Before the audience comes up the stage and gets hurt. I am moving while reading script. No. No. Is gonna get a pot shot at me.
Do not move or you will die. Look. The Voodoo queen approaches with our three sacred guards. I will speak to the guard. Greetings. Greetings. Greetings. Sounds like my dress board. Silent, white man. The queen is about to speak. Greetings, Friday. Greetings, Saturday. Saturday? Yes. I'm Friday and see Saturday. For these three guys, Sunday, Monday And all world. And, no, be careful what you say, Costello. Yes. But do not allow your eyes to stray from the queen's face. That is right. You must face me or face death. I'd rather face death.
Oh, you fool. You not realize that beauty is only skin deep? Well, go skin yourself and come back. Oh, I've heard enough. These men must die. Your majesty Costello did not mean it. No. Costello just did it for a lark. Lark? Yes, sir. Lark. Barrel. Lark. Yeah. It's all calling. Come on. We'll just get out of here. We'll just fuck her. Come on. Throw these men into the sack of a visual fire. Quick. We've only one chance down on your knees. We must plead for our lives. Ask her for mercy. Come on, Castello. We must ask for mercy.
Mercy. Mercy. Mercy. Mercy.
Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis, and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Introducing the Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champacasino.com.
[00:00:28] Unknown:
Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VW Group. Boy, we're prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chumba Casino. At chumba casino dot com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com. No purchase necessary. PWT. Avoid prohibited by law. See terms and conditions, 18 plus.
[00:01:08] Unknown:
Oh, there you are, Costello. What's all the excitement? All the excitement. I was just out shopping at it, and I bought a beautiful Valentine. You know, next Monday is street Valentine's Day. What day? Street Valentine's Day. Here it is right on the card. See it? What? S T Street. Oh, you dummy. That's, Saint Valentine. S T means, saint. Who are you sending it to? Oh, to miss Carol Lou. One five six South Main Saint. South South Main Saint. Yeah. That's where my girl is. What do you mean? On South Main Saint. What are you talking about? It's T. Oh, that F T means street. You said it was Saint. Now make up your mind. Look. When it's an address, it's street. Now read it again. Miss Carol Lou. One five six South Main Street. Now that's better. Street, Lewis, Missouri. Just a minute, Costello.
That's Saint Louis, Missouri. Yeah. But that's an address. Yes. But this time, it's Saint. Well, make up your mind. Sometimes it's street and sometimes it's Saint. 1 is it is and one is it ain't. Okay. Well, Costello, let me clear this up for you. You live on the street, don't you? Yeah. No. I live on a doctor. You live on a doctor? Yeah. I live on a doctor. Here's my address on a card. Blue Costello, 139 Beverly Doctor. Let let me let me see that. Go ahead. You eat the card. D R. That is in doctor. That's Drive. Drive, you dummy. Drive. What? On an a card? Well, well, what's all the argument here, bud? Oh, it's K Miles.
Costello is just showing me a Valentine. Oh, no. That's a coincidence. I have a Valentine for Costello too. Listen to this. Dear Lou, roses are red, violets are pink. I saw your picture last night, and you certainly do. Alright. Quiet, Niles, or I'll bore a hole in your head and let the sap run out. Yes. And you're the four who can do it. Oh, dear. I was hot as a hot dog tonight. Injustice, pull up a pony too. Costello, why do you always fight with Niles? That's right, Costello. You should be glad you got me. I could be a lift on any program. Then how come you're a jerk on this one? Oh, quiet, Costello. By the way, Ken, where's your wife? Oh, I left her at home. She's writing a play to do on the program tonight. She's writing a play? What does she know about play? Why, I'll have you know that my beautiful wife spent years in stock.
Didn't the other cattle object? I heard that remark, you b 19 with a nose. I said it so you'd hear it. Now, missus Niles, I knew you'd be here today. I read it in the newspaper. The newspaper? Yes. The weather reports a big wind coming. Uh-huh. Jacket you have on. Alright. Never mind then. Like sea biscuit. Alright. Never mind that. I'll start, Stella. Please. Missus Niles, Ken tells us that you are working on a play for us tonight, for our program. Now I didn't know that you had literally incognition.
[00:04:13] Unknown:
Oh, indeed. Yes. I'm always reading. You'll always find me with my nose in a book. How can you read it from way out there?
[00:04:24] Unknown:
Oh, oh, I just adore the old writers, Dickens Works and Packerys and Byron's and, of course, Keith. Oh, don't you just love Keith? Oh, yes. I love keeps. I love all kinds of keeps. Big teeth, little teeth. Hello. Let's talk to you. Oh, quit interrupting, Costello. Tell me, missus Niles. What is your play about? Oh, it's a thrilling adaptation of that famous story, Robinson Crusoe. Oh, and what a great part for me. Oh,
[00:04:51] Unknown:
I play the voodoo queen of the island.
[00:04:53] Unknown:
I am beautiful, breathtaking, luscious, and exciting. Where can you buy that much makeup? Oh, oh, I'm not going to stand here and be insulted. Here, mister Abbott, is a copy of the play. I'll be back later. Oh, that's fine. Now, Abbott, I'm getting sick and tired of this. Everybody wants to be in a play. The next thing you know, even Botswood, Wink, our sound man, he'll want some kind of a part. And why shouldn't I want a part, mister Castillo? I'm human, ain't I? What a spot for an ad lib. Now just a minute, Botsford. What could you do in the play? What could any sound man do? I could give you sound. The sound of a cat licking its chin. The sound of a grape scratching its skin.
The sound of a mosquito making its the sound of a seltzer making it these sounds I can give you, I bought for twink. And if you don't use me, your program will Uh-huh. Your program will suffer. Oh, boy. I thought he was gonna say s t I n k. That Costello. What's the matter? Did I spell it wrong? I'll get out of here. Well, Costello, have you read the play that missus Miles left here? I'm reading it now, Abbott. But, wait a minute. You're reading it upside down. You think it's cheesy? Now, Abbott, I decided to play the leading part, Robinson Crusoe. You're going to play the lead. Well, isn't there a part in it for me? There certainly is. And the second act, you go away to forget. Well, don't I do anything in the first act? That's what you go away to forget.
So, mister Castillo. Have you found a place for me to do my sound effects? Oh, but but what sound effects can you do? Lots of them, mister Costello. Did you ever hear a mountain calling to its sun? A mountain going to its sun? Of course not. I'll show you. A mountain calling to its sun. Hey, Cliff. Hey. You know, that's good. That's just a bluff. I Well, here's another one. A mother flower calling to a baby flower. Hiya, bud. And did you ever did you ever hear a snake asking for chewing gum? How does it go? Wiggly, wiggly, wiggly, wiggly. Pastel.
But what is wonderful? Now what's so wonderful about that? I mean, I can do a sound that you never heard before. Well, let's hear it. Okay. A husband talking back to his wife. That's all. Come on. Come on. Come on, Costello. Give Botford a chance in the play. Okay, Abbott. Now listen, Botford. You can be in a play, but remember, don't make any sound effect till I give you the word and the sound in the queue. Yes, mister Costello. This is your chance to be a big shot. Big shot. Yes, sir. That isn't a word. Wait for the play. Come in. Tell me, is this the Abbott and Costello program?
What do you think it is? I'm sorry. I just walked past the glue factory. I haven't noticed any change. Yes. Who is this fresh guy? Costello. It's that great actor, Charles Laughton. Now listen, Laughton. If you don't like my program, what are you doing here? My next picture, I play the part of a moron, and I came over to see how they act. So you're gonna play the part of a moron, Lawton? That's right. That's what I call perfect casting. How do you like that, Petco? Costello. You can't call a man like mister Lawton, Taco. Why not? What's the nickname for Charles? It's Chuck. What's a Chuck? That's a roast. And what's a roast? A roast is a fat piece of meat. Now cut that out, customer. The overlapping here? Never mind that.
Mister Lawson is a polished gentleman. He looks like he's Gillette. I see here, Costello. I've only seen you once before for which I'm very thankful. However, in the event I permit such a catastrophe to occur again, I shall depart as a measure of self discipline to a small tropical island. There I shall mount my head on a tripod and spend my declining years kicking myself in the face at regular five minute intervals. Well, with your face, it would be an improvement. Area, Costello. None of that now. Hey. By the way, miss Lawton, how would you like to appear in our play tonight? We're going to do the big shipwreck thing from Robinson Crusoe. Flint, I I I love the water, the broad ocean. Matter of fact, I I spent the last week at Del Mar where the turf meets the surf.
Oh, really? Really? You met at Del Mar with the turf, mister Turf? Really? You heard him. I heard him. I spent a day at Ocean Park where the debris meets the sea. Shut up, Costello, please. Tell me, as the play starts, we board the ship and go off in search of adventure. Yes. I'm Robert the Caruso, the captain, and I'm sailing my boat around the horn. Horn? Yes, sir. Hang on. Hang on. Let's get out of here. What? Now what? Alright. I might take it easy. Alright. I don't get excited. Alright. He's gonna fall off the whole plane. Never mind. Take it easy. Now listen. Now get away, bud. I'll I'll I'll let you have it. Alright. Never mind. Now back to my ex. Mister Lawton, we're in the middle of the ocean and a big storm comes up. The boat begins to break up because it's only an old bark. Bark? Yes, sir.
Hey. Get out of here. What is it? Stop that barking. Go on with the play. What happened to the boat? It sinks. It sinks. So does the play. Alright. Just a minute, Charlie. It's really a good script, and you have a fine part. You play Costello's man on Friday. What? You're asking me to play second fiddle with his overstuffed porcupine? I'll have you gentlemen know that I was who's got offered a great dramatic program of my own. You were, were you? What's the name of it? One hand family? Costello, do you expect to play the part of a captain when I come from a family of seafaring men? It was my great great grandfather, sir Thomas, who sailed with Drake in 1588 and defeated the Spanish Armada.
It is my great uncle Reginald who stood at the side of Lord Nelson at the Battle of Trafalgar. It is my cousin Archibald, bless his heart, nice fella, who plotted the course of the admiral at the Battle of Jutland. That's why I like to plant my feet on the deck of a ship to feel the rolling stuff beneath me and the ocean spray upon my face. That's why I like the salt air. I love the salt air. I must have the salt air. Okay, Lawton. Right after the program, come on over to my house and I'll send you with a hurry. Get out of here. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. We present our play, The Adventures of Robinson Crusoe, starring the Abbott and Costello seafood cocktail players.
And little shrimp Costello plays Robinson Crusoe. That old crab Charles Laughton plays his man, Friday. And Bud Abbott is just along for the halibut. Who the hell is that? Come on, Niles. And ask the player I'll help you with a smelt. As the scene opens, Robinson, Costello, and Bud Abbott are aboard ship in the midst of a terrific storm, and the ship is sinking. Come on, Costello. We have to dive old Vaughn. The ship is about to capsize. Cap what? Capsize. Capsize. Don't you know what capsize is? Yes, sir. Mine's six to seven eight. Quiet.
Come on. We'll have to swim for that island. Come on. Jump in the water. Woohoo. Have it. The water's cold. Alright. Look at me. I'm turning blue and red and pink and purple. I'm freezing in Texanacolor. Stop worrying and start swimming. We've got to make the door. Yeah. But I feel something. A shark is fighting my foe. That can't be a shark. Sharks travel in school. Then this one is playing hockey. Look. Listen, Godzilla. We'll float into shore. Here comes a big wave. I thought I'll wait for a little wet. Here it comes, Godzilla. Come on. Get ready.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Blow up my clothes and dry them, kid. Yep. Well, we made it alright. Now we've gotta find out where we are. There's nothing on this island but dense tropical jungle. Hey, Evan. Look up in that tree. It's a jet. That's a monkey. They sure are fool you, don't they? Hey, Costello. Climb up that tree and see if there are any other signs of life around. But the monkey might bite me. Oh, just speak to him. Okay. Hiya, little monkey. Hiya, brother. Niles, will you sleep out of the place? I'll stay out of here. Hey.
Quiet. I hear someone coming. Yes. It's over there. It's a native man. Speak to him, Costello. Okay. Hello, native. My name, Robinson Costello. We, your friend, you welcome us to island? Greetings, white man. My name Friday. Welcome to this island, you all. Yowza, cheerio, flip flip, all that sort of thing. Yack, yack. Hey, Lawson. What kind of dialect is that? Me native. Speak with a drool. You mean Paul. Paul. No. Drew. Me read Esquire. Enough of this talk, bro. Plenty of lines than me. Now wait a minute. Just a minute. Let's get together here. None of this kind of talk, righty. We both need food and drink. What can you give us? Me give you rubber. All my life, me eat the rubber and drink the sack from the rubber dream. I'll bet you were a bouncing baby. I'll bet you were a bouncing baby. You said that one. Nobody hears me.
Just a moment, Friday. Do you really enjoy this diet of rubber? Oh, yes, traitor. The rubber has a wonderful tang. But how do you feel after you eat this rubber? Oh, it makes me feel like a king, and you want to sing in the spring. I hear a lot more acting. You know? I'd like to leave it down as one. It is going dark. Night is falling. Night is falling. Yes, sir. You see, Abbot, you asked me to get back to your chest, didn't you? Now pull it back in the cage. No more sound effects. If I hear one more people in your box, then I'll give you the bird. Bird? Yes, sir. Middle earth. Nightingale. Robin.
Will you please get out of here? Costello, let's let's get back to the play. Remember? The play is the thing. Who called this thing a play? Hello, Brady. See, you started to warn us about this island. Don't pay any attention to this guy, Abbot. I know every island around here like a cook. I do think Ben's to the BVD Island. The BVD Island? Yes. The West Undies. Undies. That's when I was, that's when I was working at George. God's still over. Sir, will you keep out of this and let me talk? Now tell me, Friday. Do you think we're really in danger? There's no escape for us. Listen. Why even now you can hear the drums of doom. Doom doom doom doom doom. Yacht jelly bum bum doom doom.
Listen to those jive drums, Abbot. What does it mean? It means that the voodoo queen is about to make a human sacrifice. The sacrificial fires are already burning. Oh, no. Now what's the matter? Oh, it's awful. First, they put me in a big pot, and then they take me out of the pot, then they put me back in the pot, and then they take me out of the pot. Wait a minute. Who are you? Oh, just a little poker chip. Stop making that ace of yourself. Never mind, young Costello. Come quickly. We must run for our lives. Yes. Before the audience comes up the stage and gets hurt. I am moving while reading script. No. No. Is gonna get a pot shot at me.
Do not move or you will die. Look. The Voodoo queen approaches with our three sacred guards. I will speak to the guard. Greetings. Greetings. Greetings. Sounds like my dress board. Silent, white man. The queen is about to speak. Greetings, Friday. Greetings, Saturday. Saturday? Yes. I'm Friday and see Saturday. For these three guys, Sunday, Monday And all world. And, no, be careful what you say, Costello. Yes. But do not allow your eyes to stray from the queen's face. That is right. You must face me or face death. I'd rather face death.
Oh, you fool. You not realize that beauty is only skin deep? Well, go skin yourself and come back. Oh, I've heard enough. These men must die. Your majesty Costello did not mean it. No. Costello just did it for a lark. Lark? Yes, sir. Lark. Barrel. Lark. Yeah. It's all calling. Come on. We'll just get out of here. We'll just fuck her. Come on. Throw these men into the sack of a visual fire. Quick. We've only one chance down on your knees. We must plead for our lives. Ask her for mercy. Come on, Castello. We must ask for mercy.
Mercy. Mercy. Mercy. Mercy.
Introduction to The Godfather Slot
Winning Moves at Chumba Casino
Valentine's Day Confusion
Costello's Valentine and Sound Effects
Robinson Crusoe Play Rehearsal
Charles Laughton's Visit
The Adventures of Robinson Crusoe
Island Survival and Voodoo Queen
