In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic adventure with Abbott and Costello as they navigate a series of humorous misunderstandings and playful banter. The episode kicks off with a whimsical discussion about traveling to Patterson, New Jersey, where Costello is invited to perform in a school play at his old alma mater. The duo's journey is filled with comedic exchanges, particularly around the confusion of train tickets and sleeping arrangements, showcasing their classic slapstick humor.
As the story unfolds, Costello reminisces about his school days, leading to a series of hilarious interactions with his former teachers and classmates. The highlight of the episode is a chaotic rehearsal for the school play, where Costello's brother, Sebastian, takes center stage with his own unique rendition of "Romeo and Juliet." The episode concludes with Costello's unexpected romantic entanglement with a fourth-grade teacher, leaving listeners in stitches with its blend of nostalgia and comedy.
(00:31) The Telegram from Patterson
(04:11) The Train Ticket Dilemma
(06:44) Back to School: A Nostalgic Visit
(11:17) The School Play Rehearsal
(16:06) Sebastian's Storytelling Fiasco
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
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Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:36] Unknown:
Laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
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[00:01:14] Unknown:
Alright. Costello. Costello, come here. I like me. You're all excited. What? What's the thing you've got there? Looks like a telegram. Where did you get it? Oh, a fellow in a long green underwear gave it to me. A fellow in a long green underwear? Yeah. He was wearing a Western Union suit. Yes, dummy. That was a that was a messenger boy. And that's the telegram. What does it say? It don't say nothing about it. I can't see your thing. Oh, you don't you haven't even opened the envelope. Oh, do you have to open it? I thought you were supposed to peek through this little window in the front. Give me that telegram. I'll read it.
Hey. Hey. Look, Costello. What? It's from your hometown. Patterson, New Jersey. Patterson, New Jersey. Oh, boy. Imagine look. It says, dear Louis Costello. Oh, yeah. Abbot. What do you mean? L O U S C. I that's my hometown. Quiet, Joseph. This this telegram is from your old grade school in Paterson, Public School Fifteen. Oh, boy. Good old PS fifteen. My old Alma mattress. No. No. No. You mean Alma Mater. A mattress is something you lie on. I know. I laid around that school for ten years. What what did they want with me, Abbot? Well, the telegram goes on to say, let's see now. We are proud of you, mister Costello, and the whole school would greatly are be honored if you would come to Patterson this Saturday night and appear in our annual school play signed by the principal, Jay Soiloff wallpaper.
How do you like that, Abbott? Boy oh, boy. I knew my old school would send for me someday. Sure they would. I was always the hero of my school. I'll never forget coach Abel Green. What do you mean? And those kids I played with, Michael Varello. What are they doing? Those were the kids. We had a real team in that. I was even the captain of the tug of war team. Wait a minute. What did you do on the tug of war team? I was the second jerk from the end. I yes. Yes. But I can't get that. I don't either. Look. I can't understand why that school would send for you to appear in a play. What do you know about grammar? About what? Do you understand grammar? No. Not since she got a new false t. No. No. Even grandpa can't understand her. No, Castel. Castel, I'm talking about dramatic acting. Did you ever do anything dramatic in school? Oh, did I? I used to get up, and I used to excite poetry. You did? Get a load of this little gem, which I wrote myself. Let's hear it. Roses are red, and violets are purple. Sugar is sweet, and so is maple circle.
Well, come on. Maple circle. It rhymes, darn it. What about it? But maple circle, what is that? You what is maple circle? What is maple circle? Maple circle is the stuff you put off random pickles. Okay. Okay. Look. What's happening on our talk, sir? Now if you're going to Paterson, New Jersey, we've gotta get down to the railroad station right away. Come on. Okay. Come on.
[00:04:09] Unknown:
On.
[00:04:11] Unknown:
Alright now, Costello. Let's get our tickets for Paterson. We gotta find a comfortable place to sleep on the train. Oh, I never have any trouble at it. I got a system. I eat garlic before I get on a train. What does garlic got to do with finding a place to sleep? I just breathe in the conductor's face, and it gives me a wide berth. I oh, no. I'll be sensible. Well, here's the ticket window. I beg your pardon, sir. We're going to Pattison. Could you tell us how the trains run? Oh, yes. There's a big black thing that pulls them and it goes choo choo and this guy's been drinking too much of that traveler's aid.
[00:04:47] Unknown:
Look. Look.
[00:04:54] Unknown:
You better let let me handle this, Costello. I think I better because I lost my place. Alright. Never mind that. Now look, in order to say say low to me. Go ahead. I I got it. Alright. Look. Look. I'll take care of everything. Don't worry about a thing. In order to save money, I think we'd better get a couple of upper births. Oh, but I don't want an upper. I want a lower. But, Costello, do you realize that if you buy a lower, you'll find it's much higher than an upper? Oh, sure. I mean, after all, I mean, what'd you say? I said I said that a lower is higher than an upper. A lower is higher than an upper? Why, certainly. But what are you doing? Running the trains upside down? Of course not. The lower is, more desirable birth. Therefore, if you want to go lower, you'll have to go higher. If I wanna go lower, I'll have to go higher. Yeah. Why should I go higher when I wanna go lower? Not a simply because if you want to go lower, you have to go higher because the lower is higher than the upper. And the reason the lower is higher than the upper is because the upper is higher up than the lower.
Oh,
[00:05:52] Unknown:
you mean that the upper is lower than the lower because the lower is higher than the upper? Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about.
[00:06:00] Unknown:
Pastella, I'm trying to tell you that they sell the upper lower than the lower because when you sleep in an upper, you have to get up to go to bed. I have to get up to go to bed? That's right.
[00:06:12] Unknown:
Who's paying for my birthday? You are. And there ain't gonna be anybody in it but me? No.
[00:06:18] Unknown:
Then why do I have to get up? Castell, look. I've already explained it. Unless you go higher for a lower, then you're stuck with an upper, and you'll have to get up when you go to bed, and you'll have to get down when you want to get up. Abbott. What? Let me smell your breath. Well Here you are, Costello, in good old Patterson, New Jersey. Yeah, Abbott. And here's my old school. Hotel. PS 15. As I stand here looking at this whole building, I think of the happy days I spent here as a boy. How long do you go to school, Costello? You mean counting kindergarten? Yes. One year. Come on. Let's find the principal's office and see what time we start rehearsing for the school play tonight. Hey. What do you mean? What time we start rehearsing? Not we. Me. This is my old school, not yours, Abba. What do you mean? I'm gonna do this play all by myself. I don't need your help. Oh, how can you say that, Costello? Haven't I always given you the best of everything? Why last last Sunday, when we had a a double date, I gave you the best girl. What a slick number you had. Slicked number is right. I bent her back in my arms and her hair slid off. Alright. Just just cut that out, Costello. Wait a minute. I think this is the principal's office right here. No. No. No. Not that room. What do you mean? That room is where they have the art class. What do you mean? That's where I learned to draw, Abbot. You did? That was a wonderful drawer. My kid brother Sebastian is in there now. He's studying to be a drawer too. Well, that'll be nice. Just think of it. The Costello brothers, a pair of drawers.
Look. Never mind that. Where is the principal's office? Oh, I don't quite remember, Abbot. But look. Look. Here's my old first grade room. First grade room? Yeah. Hey. Well, why don't you go and say hello to your old teacher? Oh, I don't think miss Sashuhait would remember me. I wonder if she's as fat as she used to be. Why was she very fat? Every time she turned around, she used to erase the back blackboard.
[00:08:18] Unknown:
I said it. Alright. Alright.
[00:08:20] Unknown:
Well, go ahead. Open the door and see if she remembers you after all these years. Okay. Boy,
[00:08:26] Unknown:
will she be surprised to see me. Miss Ashwaite?
[00:08:30] Unknown:
Miss Ashwaite? Yes? For me? I'm Lou Costello. Where were you all day yesterday?
[00:08:42] Unknown:
Yesterday,
[00:08:43] Unknown:
I haven't been here for fifteen years. If you're absent one more day, you'll have to bring a note from your mother. Just a minute, this sash week. I'm Lou Costello.
[00:08:53] Unknown:
Don't you remember how fifteen years ago, I always used to pester you by raising my hand?
[00:09:00] Unknown:
Well You can go now.
[00:09:09] Unknown:
Genius has weight. Geez, she's changed. I remember when she used to keep me at the school to spank her erasers. Alright. Look. Come on, Costello. Here's the principal's office right over here, and you'd better let me talk to him. He's a very brilliant man. How do you do, sir? Are you Professor Wallpaper, the principal? Yeah. Oh, you can always tell our Harvard man. Professor, I understand you want Costello to appear in your school play tonight. Yeah. Just a minute. I I got that telephone tangled in my yo yo. Now if you fellas are looking for the rehearsal of the play, it's right in the next room. Oh, alright. Come on, Castella.
[00:09:49] Unknown:
Oh, I love you. Never since my darling. I love you too, Rod.
[00:09:54] Unknown:
Kiss me, my Oh.
[00:09:57] Unknown:
Hey. You two? Cut that out. Wait a minute. Don't stop them, Costello. That's wonderful acting. They're not acting. That's the janitor and the fourth grade teacher. Oh, this is ridiculous.
[00:10:08] Unknown:
Can anybody tell us where they're rehearsing the play, please? Right to the next room. Just ask for the English teacher. He's in charge. Thanks. Oh, I love you, Millicent. My darling. I love you too, Rodney.
[00:10:19] Unknown:
Kiss me, my sweet.
[00:10:21] Unknown:
Yeah. But they've been doing that for fifteen years. Why don't they get together? Well, she won't marry him when he's drunk and he won't marry her when he's sober. Pizzo, don't tell me that you're teaching in this school too.
[00:10:42] Unknown:
Could be.
[00:10:44] Unknown:
You know I'm devoting my whole life to teaching the little kids how to speak perfectly the king's angles. Yes. Yes. I went to one of the most famous colleges in England. Eton? Yeah. Eton and Lincoln. I have had a wonderful time.
[00:11:03] Unknown:
I was in London once. Yeah. I met a beautiful girl on the street one day. I certainly did.
[00:11:13] Unknown:
You certainly did. I don't get it. Look, Kitzel, I understand you're directing the school play tonight. Yes. I am, my friend. You know, my whole family was dramatic coaches. My grandfather was a coach. My father was a coach. My uncle was a coach. Oh, I come from a long line of coaches.
[00:11:32] Unknown:
And what are you, the caboose?
[00:11:36] Unknown:
Well, well, gentlemen, I'll see you tonight at the play. Now I must get back to my cue ball. Just a minute, Kitzel. Just a minute. Is my kid brother Sebastian your English class? That little Sebastian your brother. Woo hoo. He's the bright little chef. You know, he is speaking the best angles from the whole school. Just a second. I'll call him. Sebastian.
[00:12:03] Unknown:
Hello, Sebastian. Hello. I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. Professor Kittel just told me that you're the best English pupil in this whole class. Is that true?
[00:12:16] Unknown:
Yeah, of course What is the meaning of this? No. He has Disappeared? Mhmm. Don't worry, Uncle Butte. What do you mean? I'm I'm going out on the stage. I'm gonna take his place, and the owners will never know the difference. I put on this big, big, putty nose that I got, and and I put on my nose, big, putty nose. But, Sebastian,
[00:12:53] Unknown:
you've got the putty down over the end of your nose.
[00:12:56] Unknown:
How are you going to smell? All right. Unless they turn on the heat.
[00:13:01] Unknown:
Look, Sebastian,
[00:13:02] Unknown:
what are you going to do when you get out on that stage? Well, I'm going to tell him a story about Romeo and Juliet, and it was written by William Shakespeare, a very great ether. Ether? Mhmm. You mean author? Ether puts people asleep. That's what the story's gonna do.
[00:13:17] Unknown:
Dale, alright. As long as
[00:13:36] Unknown:
Now I don't want any interruptions from you, uncle Abbott. We're here. Let me My big brother told me how you interrupt him. Well, go ahead. But don't interrupt me. Tell that story. Stop, Janine. Ask me that. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. I lost my place like my big brother. Now I am I'm not kidding. Once upon a time, there was a fellow named Romeo.
[00:13:57] Unknown:
Romeo? What does this Romeo look like? I I got out of that one. Well, alright. What did he look like? What did he look like? Well,
[00:14:05] Unknown:
he he was about how do I know what he looked like? I never met the guy. Then why do you tell stories about people you don't even know? Nobody knows Romeo. He's just a guy in a story. He's a imaginary character. Oh, you mean he's just a person in fancy? Fancy. In fancy what? In fancy nothing. That's a good way to test school. Now look, Uncle Porter, if you just set up, I'll tell a story. Alright. Go ahead. I won't say anymore. Okay. Alright. Go ahead. Once upon a time, there was a fellow named Romeo, and he was his father's only son. Well, that's right. He was his father's heir. His what? His father's heir. His father didn't have any hair. He was bald headed. Alright. Go ahead. Now throw this to what me? Alright. Go ahead. Now there's a girl in the story, and her name is Juliet. And her father was given a big party, you know, to kind of, sort of cover into society. Oh, yeah. You mean she was making her debut?
I don't know if it was her debut or her night view. All I know is it was her first party, and a lot of people was invited to see her and stuff. I I Okay. But you see, the the folks are coming in, to her coming out party. How can you come in to come out? She was inside already. Naturally. She had to come in to come out. What did she wanna come out for?
[00:15:17] Unknown:
She was inside. This was an outdoor affair. Alright. Alright. It was inside. I know that. You told me that. Alright. Lot of people are gonna come in to come out. There's no use of going out to come in. Alright then. Why don't they stay home? Look, Sebastian. You don't understand. Why don't you stay home? Look. You don't understand, Sebastian. Stay home. Now listen, please. You want me to tell your big brother on you? Anybody got lozenges? Listen, please. Look. The party brings her out.
[00:15:43] Unknown:
The party brings her out. That's right. Why should the party bring her out? What did the little girl do? No. No. No. No. No. No. The party didn't even start. Some guy right away wants to drag her out. No. You don't understand. Why don't they leave the letter catalog? Now let on. Now Sebastian. She wasn't drinking. But cuss listen, Sebastian. ABC Now Sebastian.
[00:16:04] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. Go on with the story. Well, look. Look. Wasn't, look. Wasn't Romeo invited to this party? For longer. Look. Wasn't Romeo invited to this party is what I wanna know, wasn't he? Oh, sure. Saw that.
[00:16:20] Unknown:
No. You see, Juliet's father thank you, mister Bernard. Juliet's father. I need him. Come on, Sebastian. You Juliet's father didn't like Romeo. Yeah. So he had to put on a mask, and he borrowed another guy's clothes, and he went away. Oh, Romeo went in the sky. Yeah. In this guy's clothes. I see. I see. I see. You see, uncle, but Romeo and Juliette Spotters was enemies, and they was fighting for fifteen years. They they didn't like each other. Yeah. Which family, brought on the feud? They both brought on the feud, but Romeo wouldn't need it. He was lost. He kept getting thin and pale. Oh, I see. He looked one. Oh, yeah.
He what'd you say?
[00:17:06] Unknown:
I said he look one. Don't you know what one is? Yeah. One is the number before 2.
[00:17:13] Unknown:
1, 2. I'm sorry.
[00:17:15] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Juan means picket. Romeo was picket.
[00:17:32] Unknown:
Why did she sit in the balcony?
[00:17:34] Unknown:
Because she couldn't afford us to take the orchestra. Sure. Alright. Alright. And she liked us sitting about Alright. Now don't argue. There she could smoke. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I understand. Put her feet on the rails. Yes. Yes. Go on. Go ahead. So far, so good. Go ahead. One night I hope I can hold out. One night, Juliet dropped her handkerchief and Romeo picked it up and handed it to her. And, what did, Juliet do when Romeo handed her the handkerchief? She's unlike anybody else. What? What? What? Just what? Well, you know what I mean. Do you know the story, don't you? Oh, yes. She Well, what did Juliet do when Romeo handed her the handkerchief? You know, like they always What did she do? She wiped her nose. Alright. Now Geez. Did you have to make me say it? Well, alright. Never mind. I mean,
[00:18:16] Unknown:
sure, line. Alright. But but look, Sebastian, as I remember the story, Romeo had a rival and they fought a duel with Lance. Now what I can't understand is why did the other fellow kick Romeo when Romeo dropped his land? Because he caught Romeo with his last arm. That's enough, Sebastian. Stop the play. Stop it. I say, ladies and gentlemen, the play is over. Bring down the cart.
[00:18:39] Unknown:
Hey, hey, Hey. What's the idea of stopping the play, Uncle Bud? Sebastian, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
[00:18:44] Unknown:
Not only have you disgraced your brother Lou, but you stand there and make a monkey out of a great masterpiece. You ridiculed Romeo and Juliet, the greatest love story of all time, and you deliberately insult the name of William Shakespeare. Why do you do these wicked things? Oh,
[00:18:58] Unknown:
I'm a bad boy.
[00:19:01] Unknown:
Yeah. I'll say you're a bad boy.
[00:19:04] Unknown:
Oh, I'm the kind of kid my mother won't let me associate with. You certainly are.
[00:19:09] Unknown:
Now come here. Now where is your brother Lou? I think he might be in the fourth grade classroom, Uncle Martin. What makes you think that? Because I locked him in there before the show. Sebastian, unlock that door and let your brother out. Probably in there crying his eyes out because he missed the play. Go on. Open that door. Okay, Uncle Martin. Go ahead. I love you, Millicent, my darling. I love you, Stella.
[00:19:32] Unknown:
Kiss me.
[00:19:35] Unknown:
Costello. Costello. What are you doing making love with a fourth grade teacher? You know she's the janitor's girl. You're telling me, Abbott, and I'm the new janitor. But you missed the whole play. Oh, don't worry, Abbott. Milicent and I are gonna put on another play tomorrow night. Another play? Yeah. And I'm calling it the girl who eloped with the new janitor or gone with the window cleaner.
[00:19:59] Unknown:
I love you, Crystal.
[00:20:01] Unknown:
I love you too, Melissa, my sweet.
[00:20:05] Unknown:
Oh, he's a bad boy.
[00:20:14] Unknown:
Adam and Costello will be back in a moment.
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This is your captain speaking. We've got clear runway and the weather is fine, but we're just gonna circle up here a while and, get lucky. No. No. Nothing like that. It's just these cash prizes add up quick. So I suggest you sit back, keep your tray table upright, and start getting lucky.
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[00:00:31] Unknown:
Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:00:36] Unknown:
Laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
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[00:01:14] Unknown:
Alright. Costello. Costello, come here. I like me. You're all excited. What? What's the thing you've got there? Looks like a telegram. Where did you get it? Oh, a fellow in a long green underwear gave it to me. A fellow in a long green underwear? Yeah. He was wearing a Western Union suit. Yes, dummy. That was a that was a messenger boy. And that's the telegram. What does it say? It don't say nothing about it. I can't see your thing. Oh, you don't you haven't even opened the envelope. Oh, do you have to open it? I thought you were supposed to peek through this little window in the front. Give me that telegram. I'll read it.
Hey. Hey. Look, Costello. What? It's from your hometown. Patterson, New Jersey. Patterson, New Jersey. Oh, boy. Imagine look. It says, dear Louis Costello. Oh, yeah. Abbot. What do you mean? L O U S C. I that's my hometown. Quiet, Joseph. This this telegram is from your old grade school in Paterson, Public School Fifteen. Oh, boy. Good old PS fifteen. My old Alma mattress. No. No. No. You mean Alma Mater. A mattress is something you lie on. I know. I laid around that school for ten years. What what did they want with me, Abbot? Well, the telegram goes on to say, let's see now. We are proud of you, mister Costello, and the whole school would greatly are be honored if you would come to Patterson this Saturday night and appear in our annual school play signed by the principal, Jay Soiloff wallpaper.
How do you like that, Abbott? Boy oh, boy. I knew my old school would send for me someday. Sure they would. I was always the hero of my school. I'll never forget coach Abel Green. What do you mean? And those kids I played with, Michael Varello. What are they doing? Those were the kids. We had a real team in that. I was even the captain of the tug of war team. Wait a minute. What did you do on the tug of war team? I was the second jerk from the end. I yes. Yes. But I can't get that. I don't either. Look. I can't understand why that school would send for you to appear in a play. What do you know about grammar? About what? Do you understand grammar? No. Not since she got a new false t. No. No. Even grandpa can't understand her. No, Castel. Castel, I'm talking about dramatic acting. Did you ever do anything dramatic in school? Oh, did I? I used to get up, and I used to excite poetry. You did? Get a load of this little gem, which I wrote myself. Let's hear it. Roses are red, and violets are purple. Sugar is sweet, and so is maple circle.
Well, come on. Maple circle. It rhymes, darn it. What about it? But maple circle, what is that? You what is maple circle? What is maple circle? Maple circle is the stuff you put off random pickles. Okay. Okay. Look. What's happening on our talk, sir? Now if you're going to Paterson, New Jersey, we've gotta get down to the railroad station right away. Come on. Okay. Come on.
[00:04:09] Unknown:
On.
[00:04:11] Unknown:
Alright now, Costello. Let's get our tickets for Paterson. We gotta find a comfortable place to sleep on the train. Oh, I never have any trouble at it. I got a system. I eat garlic before I get on a train. What does garlic got to do with finding a place to sleep? I just breathe in the conductor's face, and it gives me a wide berth. I oh, no. I'll be sensible. Well, here's the ticket window. I beg your pardon, sir. We're going to Pattison. Could you tell us how the trains run? Oh, yes. There's a big black thing that pulls them and it goes choo choo and this guy's been drinking too much of that traveler's aid.
[00:04:47] Unknown:
Look. Look.
[00:04:54] Unknown:
You better let let me handle this, Costello. I think I better because I lost my place. Alright. Never mind that. Now look, in order to say say low to me. Go ahead. I I got it. Alright. Look. Look. I'll take care of everything. Don't worry about a thing. In order to save money, I think we'd better get a couple of upper births. Oh, but I don't want an upper. I want a lower. But, Costello, do you realize that if you buy a lower, you'll find it's much higher than an upper? Oh, sure. I mean, after all, I mean, what'd you say? I said I said that a lower is higher than an upper. A lower is higher than an upper? Why, certainly. But what are you doing? Running the trains upside down? Of course not. The lower is, more desirable birth. Therefore, if you want to go lower, you'll have to go higher. If I wanna go lower, I'll have to go higher. Yeah. Why should I go higher when I wanna go lower? Not a simply because if you want to go lower, you have to go higher because the lower is higher than the upper. And the reason the lower is higher than the upper is because the upper is higher up than the lower.
Oh,
[00:05:52] Unknown:
you mean that the upper is lower than the lower because the lower is higher than the upper? Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about.
[00:06:00] Unknown:
Pastella, I'm trying to tell you that they sell the upper lower than the lower because when you sleep in an upper, you have to get up to go to bed. I have to get up to go to bed? That's right.
[00:06:12] Unknown:
Who's paying for my birthday? You are. And there ain't gonna be anybody in it but me? No.
[00:06:18] Unknown:
Then why do I have to get up? Castell, look. I've already explained it. Unless you go higher for a lower, then you're stuck with an upper, and you'll have to get up when you go to bed, and you'll have to get down when you want to get up. Abbott. What? Let me smell your breath. Well Here you are, Costello, in good old Patterson, New Jersey. Yeah, Abbott. And here's my old school. Hotel. PS 15. As I stand here looking at this whole building, I think of the happy days I spent here as a boy. How long do you go to school, Costello? You mean counting kindergarten? Yes. One year. Come on. Let's find the principal's office and see what time we start rehearsing for the school play tonight. Hey. What do you mean? What time we start rehearsing? Not we. Me. This is my old school, not yours, Abba. What do you mean? I'm gonna do this play all by myself. I don't need your help. Oh, how can you say that, Costello? Haven't I always given you the best of everything? Why last last Sunday, when we had a a double date, I gave you the best girl. What a slick number you had. Slicked number is right. I bent her back in my arms and her hair slid off. Alright. Just just cut that out, Costello. Wait a minute. I think this is the principal's office right here. No. No. No. Not that room. What do you mean? That room is where they have the art class. What do you mean? That's where I learned to draw, Abbot. You did? That was a wonderful drawer. My kid brother Sebastian is in there now. He's studying to be a drawer too. Well, that'll be nice. Just think of it. The Costello brothers, a pair of drawers.
Look. Never mind that. Where is the principal's office? Oh, I don't quite remember, Abbot. But look. Look. Here's my old first grade room. First grade room? Yeah. Hey. Well, why don't you go and say hello to your old teacher? Oh, I don't think miss Sashuhait would remember me. I wonder if she's as fat as she used to be. Why was she very fat? Every time she turned around, she used to erase the back blackboard.
[00:08:18] Unknown:
I said it. Alright. Alright.
[00:08:20] Unknown:
Well, go ahead. Open the door and see if she remembers you after all these years. Okay. Boy,
[00:08:26] Unknown:
will she be surprised to see me. Miss Ashwaite?
[00:08:30] Unknown:
Miss Ashwaite? Yes? For me? I'm Lou Costello. Where were you all day yesterday?
[00:08:42] Unknown:
Yesterday,
[00:08:43] Unknown:
I haven't been here for fifteen years. If you're absent one more day, you'll have to bring a note from your mother. Just a minute, this sash week. I'm Lou Costello.
[00:08:53] Unknown:
Don't you remember how fifteen years ago, I always used to pester you by raising my hand?
[00:09:00] Unknown:
Well You can go now.
[00:09:09] Unknown:
Genius has weight. Geez, she's changed. I remember when she used to keep me at the school to spank her erasers. Alright. Look. Come on, Costello. Here's the principal's office right over here, and you'd better let me talk to him. He's a very brilliant man. How do you do, sir? Are you Professor Wallpaper, the principal? Yeah. Oh, you can always tell our Harvard man. Professor, I understand you want Costello to appear in your school play tonight. Yeah. Just a minute. I I got that telephone tangled in my yo yo. Now if you fellas are looking for the rehearsal of the play, it's right in the next room. Oh, alright. Come on, Castella.
[00:09:49] Unknown:
Oh, I love you. Never since my darling. I love you too, Rod.
[00:09:54] Unknown:
Kiss me, my Oh.
[00:09:57] Unknown:
Hey. You two? Cut that out. Wait a minute. Don't stop them, Costello. That's wonderful acting. They're not acting. That's the janitor and the fourth grade teacher. Oh, this is ridiculous.
[00:10:08] Unknown:
Can anybody tell us where they're rehearsing the play, please? Right to the next room. Just ask for the English teacher. He's in charge. Thanks. Oh, I love you, Millicent. My darling. I love you too, Rodney.
[00:10:19] Unknown:
Kiss me, my sweet.
[00:10:21] Unknown:
Yeah. But they've been doing that for fifteen years. Why don't they get together? Well, she won't marry him when he's drunk and he won't marry her when he's sober. Pizzo, don't tell me that you're teaching in this school too.
[00:10:42] Unknown:
Could be.
[00:10:44] Unknown:
You know I'm devoting my whole life to teaching the little kids how to speak perfectly the king's angles. Yes. Yes. I went to one of the most famous colleges in England. Eton? Yeah. Eton and Lincoln. I have had a wonderful time.
[00:11:03] Unknown:
I was in London once. Yeah. I met a beautiful girl on the street one day. I certainly did.
[00:11:13] Unknown:
You certainly did. I don't get it. Look, Kitzel, I understand you're directing the school play tonight. Yes. I am, my friend. You know, my whole family was dramatic coaches. My grandfather was a coach. My father was a coach. My uncle was a coach. Oh, I come from a long line of coaches.
[00:11:32] Unknown:
And what are you, the caboose?
[00:11:36] Unknown:
Well, well, gentlemen, I'll see you tonight at the play. Now I must get back to my cue ball. Just a minute, Kitzel. Just a minute. Is my kid brother Sebastian your English class? That little Sebastian your brother. Woo hoo. He's the bright little chef. You know, he is speaking the best angles from the whole school. Just a second. I'll call him. Sebastian.
[00:12:03] Unknown:
Hello, Sebastian. Hello. I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. Professor Kittel just told me that you're the best English pupil in this whole class. Is that true?
[00:12:16] Unknown:
Yeah, of course What is the meaning of this? No. He has Disappeared? Mhmm. Don't worry, Uncle Butte. What do you mean? I'm I'm going out on the stage. I'm gonna take his place, and the owners will never know the difference. I put on this big, big, putty nose that I got, and and I put on my nose, big, putty nose. But, Sebastian,
[00:12:53] Unknown:
you've got the putty down over the end of your nose.
[00:12:56] Unknown:
How are you going to smell? All right. Unless they turn on the heat.
[00:13:01] Unknown:
Look, Sebastian,
[00:13:02] Unknown:
what are you going to do when you get out on that stage? Well, I'm going to tell him a story about Romeo and Juliet, and it was written by William Shakespeare, a very great ether. Ether? Mhmm. You mean author? Ether puts people asleep. That's what the story's gonna do.
[00:13:17] Unknown:
Dale, alright. As long as
[00:13:36] Unknown:
Now I don't want any interruptions from you, uncle Abbott. We're here. Let me My big brother told me how you interrupt him. Well, go ahead. But don't interrupt me. Tell that story. Stop, Janine. Ask me that. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. I lost my place like my big brother. Now I am I'm not kidding. Once upon a time, there was a fellow named Romeo.
[00:13:57] Unknown:
Romeo? What does this Romeo look like? I I got out of that one. Well, alright. What did he look like? What did he look like? Well,
[00:14:05] Unknown:
he he was about how do I know what he looked like? I never met the guy. Then why do you tell stories about people you don't even know? Nobody knows Romeo. He's just a guy in a story. He's a imaginary character. Oh, you mean he's just a person in fancy? Fancy. In fancy what? In fancy nothing. That's a good way to test school. Now look, Uncle Porter, if you just set up, I'll tell a story. Alright. Go ahead. I won't say anymore. Okay. Alright. Go ahead. Once upon a time, there was a fellow named Romeo, and he was his father's only son. Well, that's right. He was his father's heir. His what? His father's heir. His father didn't have any hair. He was bald headed. Alright. Go ahead. Now throw this to what me? Alright. Go ahead. Now there's a girl in the story, and her name is Juliet. And her father was given a big party, you know, to kind of, sort of cover into society. Oh, yeah. You mean she was making her debut?
I don't know if it was her debut or her night view. All I know is it was her first party, and a lot of people was invited to see her and stuff. I I Okay. But you see, the the folks are coming in, to her coming out party. How can you come in to come out? She was inside already. Naturally. She had to come in to come out. What did she wanna come out for?
[00:15:17] Unknown:
She was inside. This was an outdoor affair. Alright. Alright. It was inside. I know that. You told me that. Alright. Lot of people are gonna come in to come out. There's no use of going out to come in. Alright then. Why don't they stay home? Look, Sebastian. You don't understand. Why don't you stay home? Look. You don't understand, Sebastian. Stay home. Now listen, please. You want me to tell your big brother on you? Anybody got lozenges? Listen, please. Look. The party brings her out.
[00:15:43] Unknown:
The party brings her out. That's right. Why should the party bring her out? What did the little girl do? No. No. No. No. No. No. The party didn't even start. Some guy right away wants to drag her out. No. You don't understand. Why don't they leave the letter catalog? Now let on. Now Sebastian. She wasn't drinking. But cuss listen, Sebastian. ABC Now Sebastian.
[00:16:04] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. Go on with the story. Well, look. Look. Wasn't, look. Wasn't Romeo invited to this party? For longer. Look. Wasn't Romeo invited to this party is what I wanna know, wasn't he? Oh, sure. Saw that.
[00:16:20] Unknown:
No. You see, Juliet's father thank you, mister Bernard. Juliet's father. I need him. Come on, Sebastian. You Juliet's father didn't like Romeo. Yeah. So he had to put on a mask, and he borrowed another guy's clothes, and he went away. Oh, Romeo went in the sky. Yeah. In this guy's clothes. I see. I see. I see. You see, uncle, but Romeo and Juliette Spotters was enemies, and they was fighting for fifteen years. They they didn't like each other. Yeah. Which family, brought on the feud? They both brought on the feud, but Romeo wouldn't need it. He was lost. He kept getting thin and pale. Oh, I see. He looked one. Oh, yeah.
He what'd you say?
[00:17:06] Unknown:
I said he look one. Don't you know what one is? Yeah. One is the number before 2.
[00:17:13] Unknown:
1, 2. I'm sorry.
[00:17:15] Unknown:
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Juan means picket. Romeo was picket.
[00:17:32] Unknown:
Why did she sit in the balcony?
[00:17:34] Unknown:
Because she couldn't afford us to take the orchestra. Sure. Alright. Alright. And she liked us sitting about Alright. Now don't argue. There she could smoke. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I understand. Put her feet on the rails. Yes. Yes. Go on. Go ahead. So far, so good. Go ahead. One night I hope I can hold out. One night, Juliet dropped her handkerchief and Romeo picked it up and handed it to her. And, what did, Juliet do when Romeo handed her the handkerchief? She's unlike anybody else. What? What? What? Just what? Well, you know what I mean. Do you know the story, don't you? Oh, yes. She Well, what did Juliet do when Romeo handed her the handkerchief? You know, like they always What did she do? She wiped her nose. Alright. Now Geez. Did you have to make me say it? Well, alright. Never mind. I mean,
[00:18:16] Unknown:
sure, line. Alright. But but look, Sebastian, as I remember the story, Romeo had a rival and they fought a duel with Lance. Now what I can't understand is why did the other fellow kick Romeo when Romeo dropped his land? Because he caught Romeo with his last arm. That's enough, Sebastian. Stop the play. Stop it. I say, ladies and gentlemen, the play is over. Bring down the cart.
[00:18:39] Unknown:
Hey, hey, Hey. What's the idea of stopping the play, Uncle Bud? Sebastian, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
[00:18:44] Unknown:
Not only have you disgraced your brother Lou, but you stand there and make a monkey out of a great masterpiece. You ridiculed Romeo and Juliet, the greatest love story of all time, and you deliberately insult the name of William Shakespeare. Why do you do these wicked things? Oh,
[00:18:58] Unknown:
I'm a bad boy.
[00:19:01] Unknown:
Yeah. I'll say you're a bad boy.
[00:19:04] Unknown:
Oh, I'm the kind of kid my mother won't let me associate with. You certainly are.
[00:19:09] Unknown:
Now come here. Now where is your brother Lou? I think he might be in the fourth grade classroom, Uncle Martin. What makes you think that? Because I locked him in there before the show. Sebastian, unlock that door and let your brother out. Probably in there crying his eyes out because he missed the play. Go on. Open that door. Okay, Uncle Martin. Go ahead. I love you, Millicent, my darling. I love you, Stella.
[00:19:32] Unknown:
Kiss me.
[00:19:35] Unknown:
Costello. Costello. What are you doing making love with a fourth grade teacher? You know she's the janitor's girl. You're telling me, Abbott, and I'm the new janitor. But you missed the whole play. Oh, don't worry, Abbott. Milicent and I are gonna put on another play tomorrow night. Another play? Yeah. And I'm calling it the girl who eloped with the new janitor or gone with the window cleaner.
[00:19:59] Unknown:
I love you, Crystal.
[00:20:01] Unknown:
I love you too, Melissa, my sweet.
[00:20:05] Unknown:
Oh, he's a bad boy.
[00:20:14] Unknown:
Adam and Costello will be back in a moment.
