In this episode, we dive into the world of fitness and comedy with Lacey Green, a super trainer from Body, who shares an inspiring story of a client who overcame her struggles with beginner fitness programs. Lacey's unique approach helped her client gain confidence and achieve remarkable results, proving that the right program can make all the difference. Lacey also highlights the success of the Body app, which was recently named the best fitness app by CNN, and offers listeners a special discount on membership.
We also take a nostalgic trip back in time with a classic comedy sketch featuring Abbott and Costello. The duo brings their signature humor to a variety of topics, from their adventures in New York to a humorous take on public speaking and a fictional garbage disposal pageant. The episode is filled with laughs, witty banter, and a touch of nostalgia, making it a delightful listen for fans of classic comedy.
(01:49) The Abbott and Costello Show Introduction
(03:01) Costello's New York Adventures
(07:04) Camels for the Troops
(09:55) Brooklyn and Coney Island
(15:00) Costello's Public Speaking Lessons
(19:47) Returning to Paterson
(25:15) Launching the Garbage Scow
(29:01) Yank of the Week Tribute
(30:13) Upcoming Shows and Farewell
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
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Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
[00:00:00]
Unknown:
So you keep trying to get in shape and it keeps not working. I'm Lacey Green, a super trainer with Body. That's b0di.com, and I've got a story you have to hear. I have a client who came to me because she was really frustrated that every gym or trainer she tried made her feel bad because she was a beginner. She had tried it all and she just felt humiliated. And that's when we started working together and I took her through my three week program called for beginners only. Once she realized that she wasn't the problem and that she just needed the right program, she started to get results. And now she's completely unstoppable and feeling so strong and confident. And I can do the same for you. On the Body app, subscribers lose five to 10 pounds consistently in their first month, and I bet you will too. In fact, CNN underscore just named BODY best fitness app. And right now, if you sign up for a one year BODY membership, you'll get an instant $30 off. That saves 59%.
Just go to body.com. That's bodywithani.com. Again, that's b0di.com. Let's do this.
[00:01:01] Unknown:
Some places take you away. Some bring you together. Marathon does both. Marathon is Florida's family key with something for everyone. You'll find museums and wildlife refuges, wide open beaches, miles of warm, clear water, and the historic seven mile bridge. For more about Marathon and the latest safety protocols, visit flakeys.com/marathon.
[00:01:49] Unknown:
The avid and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette of costlier, properly aged tobacco. Listen to the rhythm of Alan Roth and his orchestra, the great song styles of Connie Haines and Bob Matthews and that chubby, chunky little comedian who when asked to carry his own trunk to the Roxy Theater for his personal appearance next week, quickly cried.
[00:02:30] Unknown:
Well, Custer, I'm glad to see that you got here safely from California. You know, I didn't see you on the train. Where were you? Evan, I was riding in a private car. You you came from Hollywood to New York in a private car? Yes. Me and 200 privates. You dummy. Didn't you have any place to sleep on the train? Oh, sorry. I had a bedroom on the end of the smoker. Costello, there's no bedroom on the smoker. That's the washroom. I wondered why I had six sinks. Costello, yes, stupid. It's no it's no wonder you got here at all. Look. Did anybody meet you at the station? Oh, yeah. My favorite cousin was there to meet me. Cospodar Castello. Castello. Yeah. Why did they ever name him Castello? Because she's a spitting image of a spotter. I just look. Uh-huh. What are y'all ladies? Alright.
Never mind your cousin, Costello. Did you see anybody important at the station? Oh, yeah. I saw mayor LaGuardia standing in line at the ticket window with two policemen. LaGuardia was standing in line at the ticket window and with two policemen? Where they where The policemen weren't going anywhere. They just come along to lift LaGuardia up to the ticket window. Castello. He's cute, LaGuardia. Yes. Yes. Indeed he is. Castello, I understand mayor LaGuardia is a very good friend of yours. Oh, yeah. Where pal? I call him the little flower, and he calls me the big sweet queen. Big sweet queen. Kastel, if you're so intimate with mayor LaGuardia, tell me. Why does he wear that big hat? He has to wear that big hat, Abbot. Why? Under it. He's got his own fire engine. Oh.
Hastell, I don't believe you even know, Mayor Laguani. Come in. Good evening, gentlemen. I have a personal message from the mayor for mister Lou Costello. Oh, did you hear that, Abbot? Yes, sir. I am Lou Costello. The mayor has asked me to tell you that he is very, very, very happy that you are here in New York. Give my thanks to the mayor of New York. The mayor of New York? I represent the mayor of Los Angeles. Don't get your check, brother. You're through. Costello, you're getting dumber every day. I give $25 to find out what school you went to. I can't take it out of it. Why not? School will give me $50 to keep my mouth shut.
Look. Look. Gastel, I understand that you're staying at the Saint Maritz Hotel, and I hope you're behaving yourself. Oh, I am. I only had one party since I got in yesterday. Some of my old gang from Patterson visited me last night. They did? Yes. 75 of them sat around my room, racking up Seth Rollins singing songs. And at 04:00 in the morning, the house detective had the nerve to knock on my door. Did he tell you you were making too much noise? No. All he said was, CUSTOMO, we'll be glad when you leave and the American Legion Convention stops. You idiot. Well, while you were here, why why don't you visit the top of the Empire State Building? It overlooks all of New York. Now for a dollar, you can see 5 burrs.
For a dollar, I can see what? Five burrs. Why should I pay a dollar to look at a bunch of jackass? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I'm talking about the five boroughs of New York. And the whole city is built on those five boroughs. The whole city is built on top of five boroughs? Certainly. Shame on the people of New York. Shame on the people of New York. For what? Putting all those big buildings on top of them five little donkeys. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Forget about the boroughs. Tell me. Have you been to the automat? I beg your pardon? Have you been to the automat? Yes. I was there. That's a very dangerous restaurant. What's dangerous about the automat? I was eating a piece of pie and that little door came down and hit me on the head. Where is this supposed to be? Mama.
Don't you understand? You're supposed to take the pie out of that little door and eat it at the table. Now he tells me. You know what the automata is famous for? Their coffee. I know that. I put a nickel in the slot, and I'll clean a cup of coffee. Then I put another nickel in the slot, and I'll clean another cup of coffee. I put another nickel in, and I'll clean another cup of coffee. Then Why should I quit when I'm on a winning streak?
[00:06:48] Unknown:
Army. Navy. Marines. Coast Guard. Yes, Army, Navy, Marines, Coast Guard, wherever they go in their winning of the war, they have first call on camels. Billions and billions of camels traveling to thousands and thousands of places on the globe to give our fighting men the cigarettes they want. So when you can't get camels every time you want them, here's what's happening. You are sharing your smokes with the men who are doing our fighting. But when you do get camels, there's still camels, rich and full to your taste, cool and mild to your throat. Ask for them every time you buy cigarettes.
Camels, war or peace, still the cigarette of costlier tobaccos. And now here's that romantic Bob Matthews with Alan Roth in the orchestra. Sings our camel audience the song, a friend of yours.
[00:08:08] Unknown:
A friend of yours. And I'm sure that they would get one. I'll brush the dream from my eyes. I'll tell my heart. Oh, Costello, isn't it wonderful? To be back into New York here? You know, I spent my childhood here. It seems like only yesterday that I was just a little boy. Yes. It seems like the day before yesterday that Washington crossed the Delaware. I am Costello, I'm very proud of the fact that I come from Brooklyn. Tell me something. Why is it so many people come from Brooklyn and nobody ever goes there? Shame on you, Costello, To think that you would make an unkind remark about Brooklyn. What's gotten into you? I don't know, Evans. I got it just no good. I'm nothing but a bounty. I know it. I'm worse than a bounty. I know it. I'm a pop fly to the Third Basement.
I'll say you are. I I should have said nothing about Brooklyn. After all, they're one of our allies. Hey. Hey. Look. Never mind that. Brooklyn has one of the most popular resorts in the world. Coney Island. I went to Coney Island yesterday. You did? Yes. How did you get there? I followed a couple of sailors. I you you followed a couple of sailors? Yeah. The sailors and their girlfriends went down to the Tunnel Of Love at 40 Second Street in Broadway. I yeah. Dummy, that's a subway. That's not the Tunnel Of Love. How long have you been in town? Hey. Look.
Why don't you grow up? Let me hit you here, lady. Alright. While you're in New York, Lou, have some fun. Go to a nightclub. Oh, I went to one last night, Abbott. And I'm going back again to Copacabana. It's wonderful. It's wonderful. Yes. Hey, Abbot. You got a beautiful girl there. Copacabana? Yeah. She real she wears real short dresses. They come right up to the table when you where you're sitting. She she does? Yeah. And brother, she sells the best popcorn you ever tasted. Wow. And I thought, oh, that's not a nightclub. But look, why don't you go to one of those, Latin nightclubs like, the El Chizo? Oh, I went to the El Chizo, and when they handed me the El Checo, I was El Broco. So they hit me in the El Chino, and I landed out the El Strito.
Come in. I have a telegram for Lou Castello. Thank you, boy. Don't go away. I'm gonna give you a nice tip. Have you got change for five? No. I haven't. Alright then. Keep the whole nickel. Nice. A nickel? Oh, thank goodness. Now my wife can have another baby. Well, go ahead. Costello, read the telegram. Alright. Oh, boy. What do you mean? Oh, my god. Oh. Alright. Don't get excited. Well, take it easy. Wow. Wait wait a minute. What does the telegram sing? I don't know. I'm looking at at that girl on the first row. I love it. Give me that. I'll read it. Give me it. Give it to me. Give me that telegram. You got it. Hey. My. It's from the city of Paterson, New Jersey.
It's from the citizen of Paterson. City of Paterson, New Jersey. I know my hometown wouldn't forget me. Wait a minute. It says, dear Lou, the city of Paterson will will be proud to honor you by holding a lucastello day conjunction with the garbage disposal week. Now ain't that swill, a swill? I bet they wanna make a speech at the opening of the new dumps. But, Costello, you never made a speech in your life. You're right, Abbott. If I can only find somebody to learn me. Yeah. Hey. Wait a minute. I'm glad you said that, Costello, because we have with us tonight the world's greatest authority on public speaking. Good evening, gentlemen. I am professor Melonhead, better known in our rhetorical circles as Windy Melonhead.
Windy melon head. The looks of your head, a cyclone must have struck it. Get a hold of that shiny dome. I've seen more hair on a ball bearing. Now, Cristello, are you insinuating that my head is completely stripped of hair? Stripped of hair? Melon head, you've got more skin showing than Gypsy Rose Lee, and it's shinier. Alright. Alright. I like my head this way, Costello. It gives the air a chance to get into my skull. Melon Head, I'd like to stick a pin in your skull and let the air out. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. The professor can't help it if he's bald and ugly. Well, he could stay home.
You don't have to go roaming around, does he? Castello, are you casting reflections on my head? Reflections? Melon Head with that shining dome, you should be in a coast guard. Guard. With my head, what could I do in the coast guard? You could release a lighthouse for active duty. Well, that's professor Melonette, Castello is going to speak in Paterson. Do you think do you think that you could make a public speaker out of him? Abbott? I could make two public speakers out of him and have enough left over for a talking dog. Now, Castello, the important thing in public speaking is the proper tone. There's the head tone, which is the up tone. Yes, sir. And there's the stomach tone, which is the down tone. Yes, sir. And then there's the chest tone, which is the cross tone. See? Up tone, down tone, cross tone. Up tone, down tone, star tone. That's an up tone.
What's the matter? You're sick, Mitch? Only down tone. Yeah. Which, which tone do you prefer? I don't know. I'll take a transfer. Professor? Yes? Do you think Castello is ready to make a speech? He will be when I finish with him. Castello, when you walk out of the rosin to speak, remember to put on a big front. Put on a big front. How can I do that? In your case, walk out backwards. Now I'll show you, Costello, how to improve your speaking. First, I'll break down your timidity. I will hammer on your enunciation. I'll put fiery resonance into your declamatory proclivities.
I'll inject precision into your participles. I'll clarify your consonance, correct your vowels, and then I will cut out your split infinity. You wouldn't dare. You haven't got the nerve. Get them out of here. Boy, no one's I hello. What's happening? Abbott, there's somebody following us, and it looks awful mysterious to me.
[00:16:06] Unknown:
There's a mystery following Abbott and Costello. There'll be mystery in the air next Thursday night at the same time and station. Mystery in the air is the title of Camel's great news thrill packed program being introduced while Bud Abbott and Lou Costello are taking their summer vacations. We're going to miss you two mugs. And on behalf of the gang here and our sponsors, may I toss a few assorted bouquets in your direction for the swell camel shows you've done. Tell you how glad we'll all be to see you back again for camels this fall. In the meantime, we're going to do our best to keep you listeners right on the edges of your chairs with as potent a mixture of mystery, action, danger, suspense, laughs, and ice cubes up and down your spine as has ever been devised for your entertainment.
Yes. You must meet our new hero, Stonewall Scott, ex g two secret agent, who returns to civilian life only to find that there are still enemies to fight, and that there is still a mystery in the air. And remember, camels are worth asking for every time. See for yourself how camels' mildness, coolness, and flavor click with you. Lovely. Connie Haines on stage now to bring her camel fans a song they've asked to hear. With Alan Roth and the orchestra, Connie sings sentimental
[00:17:34] Unknown:
journey. Gonna take a sentimental journey. Gonna set my heart at end. Gonna make a sentimental journey to a new old
[00:19:47] Unknown:
Right, my boy. Well, Castello. In a few minutes, we'll be leaving for Patterson. I'll Yeah. Good old New Jersey. The biggest state in the union. Oh, no, Costello. You're wrong there. No. Texas is the biggest state in the union. Why do you know that the state of Texas is bigger than Germany? Abbot right now, anything is bigger than Germany. I'm in.
[00:20:07] Unknown:
Oh, very much. Dear, dear, dear, mister Cartel. They told me I wouldn't have any trouble recognizing you. Everyone said you look just like Buster. I look like Buster? What Buster? A blockbuster.
[00:20:26] Unknown:
Oh, yes indeed. Yes indeed. Oh, yes, indeed. You know, I think I got enemies, but who sent this name here? Is there anybody else in that dress besides you? Now wait a minute. Just a minute. Now just take it easy, Costello.
[00:20:38] Unknown:
Madam, what is it you wish? That I have been sent here by the committee in charge of Parkinson's Lou Costello Day in conjunction with garbage disposal week. I have come to prepare mister Costello for his part of the pageant.
[00:20:52] Unknown:
I am the coach. You're the what? I'm the coach. Coach? You look more like a late prick with a loose caboose. Fastelli, you imbecile this lady is a dramatic coach. Not the kind of a coach you see in a railroad station. Well, she ought to be in a railroad station. Alright. Never mind that. Tell me, you two toned termite. Now you shut up.
[00:21:12] Unknown:
Why do I be in a railroad station?
[00:21:15] Unknown:
Because the bags under your eyes hang down so far that your nose looks like a red hat. Now now now shut up, Costello. Madam, what does, Costello do in this garbage disposal pageant? Well, he's not against the spirit of sanitation. Spirit. Sounds like a nice clean pot.
[00:21:33] Unknown:
And of course, I have the leading role. I am a physicist of water supply.
[00:21:38] Unknown:
He looks more like a rusty drainpipe. I am sure. I in fact, I'm positive that Costello will cooperate. Just, tell him what he has to do. Very well. Costello, as their sanitation,
[00:21:49] Unknown:
you are a knight in shining armor preparing to launch Patterson's new self dumping, germ proof garbage scowl. Then you are seated on the poop deck. Alright. The prince is approaching and say, hello, good night. Hello. Good night.
[00:22:08] Unknown:
What kind of talk is that? No. No. No, Dougie. When I say good night, I don't mean the kind of night like night in the salutation good night. I mean the kind of night that has been knighted. And that night is as different from night as night is from day. Oh, when you say good night, you don't mean a kind of night like night in the solicitation night. You mean the kind of night that has been knighted, and that night is different from night and night is from day. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Yeah. And I continued it. I didn't even see it here. Excuse me, dude. I have it. Is this name your sister? Oh, certainly not, Costello.
[00:22:41] Unknown:
Continue, madam. Very well. Where were we? I don't know. Some place on the page. Well, you had me sitting on a poop deck on a garbage cow. Oh, yes. Yes. Now the spirit of sanitation, you take the thick quest gun, and you read this speech to the germ. Yes. Read it. Okay.
[00:22:56] Unknown:
Listen unto me, you microbes, big and small. I'm the spirit of sanitation, and I hate you all. I'll bump off all you germs and bugs and keep Harrison clean even if I have to squirt out every drop of my chlorine. Oh, get that kid out of here, will you? Oh, Hey, Abbot. Look at all the mob that turned out to welcome me back to Paterson. It's wonderful. Look. There's my old school teacher, miss Blackboard. Do you think she'll remember you? She should. Many is the time I slept her erasers. Oh, miss Blackwood. Well, what do you want? Don't you remember me? Little Lou Costello. I used to stand up in the back of the room and raise my hand. Well, you can go now.
Now she tells me. Your friends sure remember you, Costello. Oh, yeah. Wang, there's mister Hackett over there. I bet he remembers me. I used to mow his lawn every Saturday, and his grandmother used to sit on the backyard and watch me. Oh, mister Hackett.
[00:24:15] Unknown:
There you are, Costello. Why didn't you mow my lawn last Saturday? I haven't mowed your lawn in fifteen years. Oh, no wonder we can't find grandma.
[00:24:25] Unknown:
Say, Costello, who is that tough looking kid sitting on that picket fence? He's waving to you. Oh, that stinky dinky Shields. He was the toughest kid in our gang. Yeah. That's our old hangout over there. It was. Those guys used to sit on that picket fence for hours. Oh, now come. How could how could your gang sit on those shop pickets? Ain't you never heard of the dead end kids? No. Yes. Hey, look at it. Right. There's poor old mister Peter Shimeno. He's the saddest guy in Paterson. What is he so sad about? Twenty years ago, his wife suddenly left the house dressed in a nightgown and carrying a coffee pot, and he hasn't seen her since. She left the house suddenly in her nightgown and carrying a coffee pot? She must have been wacky. She was not. She was cooking breakfast and the stove blew up. There you are, Cristello. The crowd is waiting for you to appear at the launching platform and christen the new garbage cow. Now do you know how to perform that ceremony? Sure, Mullen Head. I was the guest of honor last year opening of a new dump. Yes, Devon. At the opening of the new dump, what did you do? I threw out the first pail. I look. Talk sense, Costello. Let's let's get up on the launching, platform. Professor Melonhead will introduce you.
Ladies and gentlemen. Yes, sir. Citizens of Patterson, I have the honor to present the man who will launch our new garbage cow, a local boy who has achieved great success. He left this city a dismal illiterate. From an illiterate, he worked his way up to a moron. From a moron, he became a lowly nitwit. From a nitwit, he forged arm word to become a nincompoop. Not satisfied, mind you, with being a nincompoop, he struggled upward. Until today, he stands before you America's number one jerk. I give you Lou Costello. Well, Costello, how did you like that speech? Melon head, your speech would make ice melt. Ice melt? You sure did. I, come on, Costello.
The crowd is waiting for you to launch the scow. Here. Take this, bottle of champagne. Hold. Hand it to me slow. Now you're on a stretch. Take it easy now. Thank you. Good. Where's the glasses? No. No. No. You dummy. You don't bring it. You break you break the bottle. Oh. That's when you launch the, scow. Here the professor will tell you when. Now, if you watch me, Costello, now when I nod my head, you stand close to the garbage scow and you hit it with the bottle. Could I have that again, please? Yes. Of course. I'll be very nice and careful. Will you give it to me slow? I wanna understand everything. Alright. No more Are you ready? You got the you got the champagne. Very heavy. The big quarter champagne. I got the quart champagne bottle in my head. Alright. You hold it in your right hand. Now when I nod my head, you hit it with the bottle.
Did you hear what I heard? That's right. Okay, milling heads. But remember, you asked for this. Alright. Now I'm gonna knock my head hit. Pastello. Pastello. No. Where are you? You've launched professor Millen Head. He's out there in the water. Save him. He's coming up. I can't have it. He came up the wrong way. Get him out of here. Get him out.
[00:29:01] Unknown:
Thanks to the yanks of the week. Tonight, we salute army private Richard Arnold McCurdy of Boise, Idaho. Critically Wounded and without medical care, food or water, he lay for three full days and nights under murderous gunfire in Japanese territory, finally making his way back to our own lines. In honor of your miraculous escape, private McCurdy, the makers of camels are sending to our fighters overseas 500,000 camel cigarettes. Each of the few camel shows honor the yank of the week by sending free 500,000 camel cigarettes overseas.
A total of a million camels sent free each week. Next week, however, the salute to the yak of the week will be made by a most exciting gentleman, new to the American public, but destined, we believe, to become extremely well known. His name, Stonewall Scott, ex GI for military intelligence, and now back in civilian life, a super sleuth. He's the hero of Camel's new thrill packed, tense, suspenseful program, Mystery in the Air. Come along with Stonewall on his first adventure, this station, this same time. Don't miss it. And now here are the announcements of the final
[00:30:14] Unknown:
Well, Castello, we're back on the air October 4 for the, now for the next three weeks, starting July 3, of course, we'll, be at the Auction Theater here in New York. Yes. And while we're gone this summer, Campbell is bringing you folks a swell program at the same time. I'm sure you'll enjoy it. It's called Mystery in the Air. Bud and I will be listening, and I hope you will be too. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. Good night, mother. Good night. Good night, daddy.
[00:31:02] Unknown:
Cold weather and pipe smoking somehow go together, especially if you can settle for the fire and take it easy. But you want the right kind of fire in your pipe too. The cooler, slow burning fire of Prince Albert tobacco. Prince Albert burns slowly because it's crimp cut. A special no bite treatment takes out the porched and sting, lets you enjoy the rich mellow flavor of Prince Albert as often as you wish. Do you wonder why Prince Albert is the world's favorite? Try it just once and you'll know. And be sure on Saturday night to tune in the great Prince Albert radio show, Grand Old Opry, Coast to Coast on NBC.
[00:31:51] Unknown:
The Abbott and Costello Show for Camel cigarettes will be back at this very same time next week. Don't miss it. This is Ken Niles in Hollywood wishing you all the pleasure. Good night.
[00:32:12] Unknown:
This is the National Broadcasting Company.
[00:32:15] Unknown:
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So you keep trying to get in shape and it keeps not working. I'm Lacey Green, a super trainer with Body. That's b0di.com, and I've got a story you have to hear. I have a client who came to me because she was really frustrated that every gym or trainer she tried made her feel bad because she was a beginner. She had tried it all and she just felt humiliated. And that's when we started working together and I took her through my three week program called for beginners only. Once she realized that she wasn't the problem and that she just needed the right program, she started to get results. And now she's completely unstoppable and feeling so strong and confident. And I can do the same for you. On the Body app, subscribers lose five to 10 pounds consistently in their first month, and I bet you will too. In fact, CNN underscore just named BODY best fitness app. And right now, if you sign up for a one year BODY membership, you'll get an instant $30 off. That saves 59%.
Just go to body.com. That's bodywithani.com. Again, that's b0di.com. Let's do this.
[00:01:01] Unknown:
Some places take you away. Some bring you together. Marathon does both. Marathon is Florida's family key with something for everyone. You'll find museums and wildlife refuges, wide open beaches, miles of warm, clear water, and the historic seven mile bridge. For more about Marathon and the latest safety protocols, visit flakeys.com/marathon.
[00:01:49] Unknown:
The avid and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette of costlier, properly aged tobacco. Listen to the rhythm of Alan Roth and his orchestra, the great song styles of Connie Haines and Bob Matthews and that chubby, chunky little comedian who when asked to carry his own trunk to the Roxy Theater for his personal appearance next week, quickly cried.
[00:02:30] Unknown:
Well, Custer, I'm glad to see that you got here safely from California. You know, I didn't see you on the train. Where were you? Evan, I was riding in a private car. You you came from Hollywood to New York in a private car? Yes. Me and 200 privates. You dummy. Didn't you have any place to sleep on the train? Oh, sorry. I had a bedroom on the end of the smoker. Costello, there's no bedroom on the smoker. That's the washroom. I wondered why I had six sinks. Costello, yes, stupid. It's no it's no wonder you got here at all. Look. Did anybody meet you at the station? Oh, yeah. My favorite cousin was there to meet me. Cospodar Castello. Castello. Yeah. Why did they ever name him Castello? Because she's a spitting image of a spotter. I just look. Uh-huh. What are y'all ladies? Alright.
Never mind your cousin, Costello. Did you see anybody important at the station? Oh, yeah. I saw mayor LaGuardia standing in line at the ticket window with two policemen. LaGuardia was standing in line at the ticket window and with two policemen? Where they where The policemen weren't going anywhere. They just come along to lift LaGuardia up to the ticket window. Castello. He's cute, LaGuardia. Yes. Yes. Indeed he is. Castello, I understand mayor LaGuardia is a very good friend of yours. Oh, yeah. Where pal? I call him the little flower, and he calls me the big sweet queen. Big sweet queen. Kastel, if you're so intimate with mayor LaGuardia, tell me. Why does he wear that big hat? He has to wear that big hat, Abbot. Why? Under it. He's got his own fire engine. Oh.
Hastell, I don't believe you even know, Mayor Laguani. Come in. Good evening, gentlemen. I have a personal message from the mayor for mister Lou Costello. Oh, did you hear that, Abbot? Yes, sir. I am Lou Costello. The mayor has asked me to tell you that he is very, very, very happy that you are here in New York. Give my thanks to the mayor of New York. The mayor of New York? I represent the mayor of Los Angeles. Don't get your check, brother. You're through. Costello, you're getting dumber every day. I give $25 to find out what school you went to. I can't take it out of it. Why not? School will give me $50 to keep my mouth shut.
Look. Look. Gastel, I understand that you're staying at the Saint Maritz Hotel, and I hope you're behaving yourself. Oh, I am. I only had one party since I got in yesterday. Some of my old gang from Patterson visited me last night. They did? Yes. 75 of them sat around my room, racking up Seth Rollins singing songs. And at 04:00 in the morning, the house detective had the nerve to knock on my door. Did he tell you you were making too much noise? No. All he said was, CUSTOMO, we'll be glad when you leave and the American Legion Convention stops. You idiot. Well, while you were here, why why don't you visit the top of the Empire State Building? It overlooks all of New York. Now for a dollar, you can see 5 burrs.
For a dollar, I can see what? Five burrs. Why should I pay a dollar to look at a bunch of jackass? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I'm talking about the five boroughs of New York. And the whole city is built on those five boroughs. The whole city is built on top of five boroughs? Certainly. Shame on the people of New York. Shame on the people of New York. For what? Putting all those big buildings on top of them five little donkeys. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Forget about the boroughs. Tell me. Have you been to the automat? I beg your pardon? Have you been to the automat? Yes. I was there. That's a very dangerous restaurant. What's dangerous about the automat? I was eating a piece of pie and that little door came down and hit me on the head. Where is this supposed to be? Mama.
Don't you understand? You're supposed to take the pie out of that little door and eat it at the table. Now he tells me. You know what the automata is famous for? Their coffee. I know that. I put a nickel in the slot, and I'll clean a cup of coffee. Then I put another nickel in the slot, and I'll clean another cup of coffee. I put another nickel in, and I'll clean another cup of coffee. Then Why should I quit when I'm on a winning streak?
[00:06:48] Unknown:
Army. Navy. Marines. Coast Guard. Yes, Army, Navy, Marines, Coast Guard, wherever they go in their winning of the war, they have first call on camels. Billions and billions of camels traveling to thousands and thousands of places on the globe to give our fighting men the cigarettes they want. So when you can't get camels every time you want them, here's what's happening. You are sharing your smokes with the men who are doing our fighting. But when you do get camels, there's still camels, rich and full to your taste, cool and mild to your throat. Ask for them every time you buy cigarettes.
Camels, war or peace, still the cigarette of costlier tobaccos. And now here's that romantic Bob Matthews with Alan Roth in the orchestra. Sings our camel audience the song, a friend of yours.
[00:08:08] Unknown:
A friend of yours. And I'm sure that they would get one. I'll brush the dream from my eyes. I'll tell my heart. Oh, Costello, isn't it wonderful? To be back into New York here? You know, I spent my childhood here. It seems like only yesterday that I was just a little boy. Yes. It seems like the day before yesterday that Washington crossed the Delaware. I am Costello, I'm very proud of the fact that I come from Brooklyn. Tell me something. Why is it so many people come from Brooklyn and nobody ever goes there? Shame on you, Costello, To think that you would make an unkind remark about Brooklyn. What's gotten into you? I don't know, Evans. I got it just no good. I'm nothing but a bounty. I know it. I'm worse than a bounty. I know it. I'm a pop fly to the Third Basement.
I'll say you are. I I should have said nothing about Brooklyn. After all, they're one of our allies. Hey. Hey. Look. Never mind that. Brooklyn has one of the most popular resorts in the world. Coney Island. I went to Coney Island yesterday. You did? Yes. How did you get there? I followed a couple of sailors. I you you followed a couple of sailors? Yeah. The sailors and their girlfriends went down to the Tunnel Of Love at 40 Second Street in Broadway. I yeah. Dummy, that's a subway. That's not the Tunnel Of Love. How long have you been in town? Hey. Look.
Why don't you grow up? Let me hit you here, lady. Alright. While you're in New York, Lou, have some fun. Go to a nightclub. Oh, I went to one last night, Abbott. And I'm going back again to Copacabana. It's wonderful. It's wonderful. Yes. Hey, Abbot. You got a beautiful girl there. Copacabana? Yeah. She real she wears real short dresses. They come right up to the table when you where you're sitting. She she does? Yeah. And brother, she sells the best popcorn you ever tasted. Wow. And I thought, oh, that's not a nightclub. But look, why don't you go to one of those, Latin nightclubs like, the El Chizo? Oh, I went to the El Chizo, and when they handed me the El Checo, I was El Broco. So they hit me in the El Chino, and I landed out the El Strito.
Come in. I have a telegram for Lou Castello. Thank you, boy. Don't go away. I'm gonna give you a nice tip. Have you got change for five? No. I haven't. Alright then. Keep the whole nickel. Nice. A nickel? Oh, thank goodness. Now my wife can have another baby. Well, go ahead. Costello, read the telegram. Alright. Oh, boy. What do you mean? Oh, my god. Oh. Alright. Don't get excited. Well, take it easy. Wow. Wait wait a minute. What does the telegram sing? I don't know. I'm looking at at that girl on the first row. I love it. Give me that. I'll read it. Give me it. Give it to me. Give me that telegram. You got it. Hey. My. It's from the city of Paterson, New Jersey.
It's from the citizen of Paterson. City of Paterson, New Jersey. I know my hometown wouldn't forget me. Wait a minute. It says, dear Lou, the city of Paterson will will be proud to honor you by holding a lucastello day conjunction with the garbage disposal week. Now ain't that swill, a swill? I bet they wanna make a speech at the opening of the new dumps. But, Costello, you never made a speech in your life. You're right, Abbott. If I can only find somebody to learn me. Yeah. Hey. Wait a minute. I'm glad you said that, Costello, because we have with us tonight the world's greatest authority on public speaking. Good evening, gentlemen. I am professor Melonhead, better known in our rhetorical circles as Windy Melonhead.
Windy melon head. The looks of your head, a cyclone must have struck it. Get a hold of that shiny dome. I've seen more hair on a ball bearing. Now, Cristello, are you insinuating that my head is completely stripped of hair? Stripped of hair? Melon head, you've got more skin showing than Gypsy Rose Lee, and it's shinier. Alright. Alright. I like my head this way, Costello. It gives the air a chance to get into my skull. Melon Head, I'd like to stick a pin in your skull and let the air out. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. The professor can't help it if he's bald and ugly. Well, he could stay home.
You don't have to go roaming around, does he? Castello, are you casting reflections on my head? Reflections? Melon Head with that shining dome, you should be in a coast guard. Guard. With my head, what could I do in the coast guard? You could release a lighthouse for active duty. Well, that's professor Melonette, Castello is going to speak in Paterson. Do you think do you think that you could make a public speaker out of him? Abbott? I could make two public speakers out of him and have enough left over for a talking dog. Now, Castello, the important thing in public speaking is the proper tone. There's the head tone, which is the up tone. Yes, sir. And there's the stomach tone, which is the down tone. Yes, sir. And then there's the chest tone, which is the cross tone. See? Up tone, down tone, cross tone. Up tone, down tone, star tone. That's an up tone.
What's the matter? You're sick, Mitch? Only down tone. Yeah. Which, which tone do you prefer? I don't know. I'll take a transfer. Professor? Yes? Do you think Castello is ready to make a speech? He will be when I finish with him. Castello, when you walk out of the rosin to speak, remember to put on a big front. Put on a big front. How can I do that? In your case, walk out backwards. Now I'll show you, Costello, how to improve your speaking. First, I'll break down your timidity. I will hammer on your enunciation. I'll put fiery resonance into your declamatory proclivities.
I'll inject precision into your participles. I'll clarify your consonance, correct your vowels, and then I will cut out your split infinity. You wouldn't dare. You haven't got the nerve. Get them out of here. Boy, no one's I hello. What's happening? Abbott, there's somebody following us, and it looks awful mysterious to me.
[00:16:06] Unknown:
There's a mystery following Abbott and Costello. There'll be mystery in the air next Thursday night at the same time and station. Mystery in the air is the title of Camel's great news thrill packed program being introduced while Bud Abbott and Lou Costello are taking their summer vacations. We're going to miss you two mugs. And on behalf of the gang here and our sponsors, may I toss a few assorted bouquets in your direction for the swell camel shows you've done. Tell you how glad we'll all be to see you back again for camels this fall. In the meantime, we're going to do our best to keep you listeners right on the edges of your chairs with as potent a mixture of mystery, action, danger, suspense, laughs, and ice cubes up and down your spine as has ever been devised for your entertainment.
Yes. You must meet our new hero, Stonewall Scott, ex g two secret agent, who returns to civilian life only to find that there are still enemies to fight, and that there is still a mystery in the air. And remember, camels are worth asking for every time. See for yourself how camels' mildness, coolness, and flavor click with you. Lovely. Connie Haines on stage now to bring her camel fans a song they've asked to hear. With Alan Roth and the orchestra, Connie sings sentimental
[00:17:34] Unknown:
journey. Gonna take a sentimental journey. Gonna set my heart at end. Gonna make a sentimental journey to a new old
[00:19:47] Unknown:
Right, my boy. Well, Castello. In a few minutes, we'll be leaving for Patterson. I'll Yeah. Good old New Jersey. The biggest state in the union. Oh, no, Costello. You're wrong there. No. Texas is the biggest state in the union. Why do you know that the state of Texas is bigger than Germany? Abbot right now, anything is bigger than Germany. I'm in.
[00:20:07] Unknown:
Oh, very much. Dear, dear, dear, mister Cartel. They told me I wouldn't have any trouble recognizing you. Everyone said you look just like Buster. I look like Buster? What Buster? A blockbuster.
[00:20:26] Unknown:
Oh, yes indeed. Yes indeed. Oh, yes, indeed. You know, I think I got enemies, but who sent this name here? Is there anybody else in that dress besides you? Now wait a minute. Just a minute. Now just take it easy, Costello.
[00:20:38] Unknown:
Madam, what is it you wish? That I have been sent here by the committee in charge of Parkinson's Lou Costello Day in conjunction with garbage disposal week. I have come to prepare mister Costello for his part of the pageant.
[00:20:52] Unknown:
I am the coach. You're the what? I'm the coach. Coach? You look more like a late prick with a loose caboose. Fastelli, you imbecile this lady is a dramatic coach. Not the kind of a coach you see in a railroad station. Well, she ought to be in a railroad station. Alright. Never mind that. Tell me, you two toned termite. Now you shut up.
[00:21:12] Unknown:
Why do I be in a railroad station?
[00:21:15] Unknown:
Because the bags under your eyes hang down so far that your nose looks like a red hat. Now now now shut up, Costello. Madam, what does, Costello do in this garbage disposal pageant? Well, he's not against the spirit of sanitation. Spirit. Sounds like a nice clean pot.
[00:21:33] Unknown:
And of course, I have the leading role. I am a physicist of water supply.
[00:21:38] Unknown:
He looks more like a rusty drainpipe. I am sure. I in fact, I'm positive that Costello will cooperate. Just, tell him what he has to do. Very well. Costello, as their sanitation,
[00:21:49] Unknown:
you are a knight in shining armor preparing to launch Patterson's new self dumping, germ proof garbage scowl. Then you are seated on the poop deck. Alright. The prince is approaching and say, hello, good night. Hello. Good night.
[00:22:08] Unknown:
What kind of talk is that? No. No. No, Dougie. When I say good night, I don't mean the kind of night like night in the salutation good night. I mean the kind of night that has been knighted. And that night is as different from night as night is from day. Oh, when you say good night, you don't mean a kind of night like night in the solicitation night. You mean the kind of night that has been knighted, and that night is different from night and night is from day. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Yeah. And I continued it. I didn't even see it here. Excuse me, dude. I have it. Is this name your sister? Oh, certainly not, Costello.
[00:22:41] Unknown:
Continue, madam. Very well. Where were we? I don't know. Some place on the page. Well, you had me sitting on a poop deck on a garbage cow. Oh, yes. Yes. Now the spirit of sanitation, you take the thick quest gun, and you read this speech to the germ. Yes. Read it. Okay.
[00:22:56] Unknown:
Listen unto me, you microbes, big and small. I'm the spirit of sanitation, and I hate you all. I'll bump off all you germs and bugs and keep Harrison clean even if I have to squirt out every drop of my chlorine. Oh, get that kid out of here, will you? Oh, Hey, Abbot. Look at all the mob that turned out to welcome me back to Paterson. It's wonderful. Look. There's my old school teacher, miss Blackboard. Do you think she'll remember you? She should. Many is the time I slept her erasers. Oh, miss Blackwood. Well, what do you want? Don't you remember me? Little Lou Costello. I used to stand up in the back of the room and raise my hand. Well, you can go now.
Now she tells me. Your friends sure remember you, Costello. Oh, yeah. Wang, there's mister Hackett over there. I bet he remembers me. I used to mow his lawn every Saturday, and his grandmother used to sit on the backyard and watch me. Oh, mister Hackett.
[00:24:15] Unknown:
There you are, Costello. Why didn't you mow my lawn last Saturday? I haven't mowed your lawn in fifteen years. Oh, no wonder we can't find grandma.
[00:24:25] Unknown:
Say, Costello, who is that tough looking kid sitting on that picket fence? He's waving to you. Oh, that stinky dinky Shields. He was the toughest kid in our gang. Yeah. That's our old hangout over there. It was. Those guys used to sit on that picket fence for hours. Oh, now come. How could how could your gang sit on those shop pickets? Ain't you never heard of the dead end kids? No. Yes. Hey, look at it. Right. There's poor old mister Peter Shimeno. He's the saddest guy in Paterson. What is he so sad about? Twenty years ago, his wife suddenly left the house dressed in a nightgown and carrying a coffee pot, and he hasn't seen her since. She left the house suddenly in her nightgown and carrying a coffee pot? She must have been wacky. She was not. She was cooking breakfast and the stove blew up. There you are, Cristello. The crowd is waiting for you to appear at the launching platform and christen the new garbage cow. Now do you know how to perform that ceremony? Sure, Mullen Head. I was the guest of honor last year opening of a new dump. Yes, Devon. At the opening of the new dump, what did you do? I threw out the first pail. I look. Talk sense, Costello. Let's let's get up on the launching, platform. Professor Melonhead will introduce you.
Ladies and gentlemen. Yes, sir. Citizens of Patterson, I have the honor to present the man who will launch our new garbage cow, a local boy who has achieved great success. He left this city a dismal illiterate. From an illiterate, he worked his way up to a moron. From a moron, he became a lowly nitwit. From a nitwit, he forged arm word to become a nincompoop. Not satisfied, mind you, with being a nincompoop, he struggled upward. Until today, he stands before you America's number one jerk. I give you Lou Costello. Well, Costello, how did you like that speech? Melon head, your speech would make ice melt. Ice melt? You sure did. I, come on, Costello.
The crowd is waiting for you to launch the scow. Here. Take this, bottle of champagne. Hold. Hand it to me slow. Now you're on a stretch. Take it easy now. Thank you. Good. Where's the glasses? No. No. No. You dummy. You don't bring it. You break you break the bottle. Oh. That's when you launch the, scow. Here the professor will tell you when. Now, if you watch me, Costello, now when I nod my head, you stand close to the garbage scow and you hit it with the bottle. Could I have that again, please? Yes. Of course. I'll be very nice and careful. Will you give it to me slow? I wanna understand everything. Alright. No more Are you ready? You got the you got the champagne. Very heavy. The big quarter champagne. I got the quart champagne bottle in my head. Alright. You hold it in your right hand. Now when I nod my head, you hit it with the bottle.
Did you hear what I heard? That's right. Okay, milling heads. But remember, you asked for this. Alright. Now I'm gonna knock my head hit. Pastello. Pastello. No. Where are you? You've launched professor Millen Head. He's out there in the water. Save him. He's coming up. I can't have it. He came up the wrong way. Get him out of here. Get him out.
[00:29:01] Unknown:
Thanks to the yanks of the week. Tonight, we salute army private Richard Arnold McCurdy of Boise, Idaho. Critically Wounded and without medical care, food or water, he lay for three full days and nights under murderous gunfire in Japanese territory, finally making his way back to our own lines. In honor of your miraculous escape, private McCurdy, the makers of camels are sending to our fighters overseas 500,000 camel cigarettes. Each of the few camel shows honor the yank of the week by sending free 500,000 camel cigarettes overseas.
A total of a million camels sent free each week. Next week, however, the salute to the yak of the week will be made by a most exciting gentleman, new to the American public, but destined, we believe, to become extremely well known. His name, Stonewall Scott, ex GI for military intelligence, and now back in civilian life, a super sleuth. He's the hero of Camel's new thrill packed, tense, suspenseful program, Mystery in the Air. Come along with Stonewall on his first adventure, this station, this same time. Don't miss it. And now here are the announcements of the final
[00:30:14] Unknown:
Well, Castello, we're back on the air October 4 for the, now for the next three weeks, starting July 3, of course, we'll, be at the Auction Theater here in New York. Yes. And while we're gone this summer, Campbell is bringing you folks a swell program at the same time. I'm sure you'll enjoy it. It's called Mystery in the Air. Bud and I will be listening, and I hope you will be too. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. Good night, mother. Good night. Good night, daddy.
[00:31:02] Unknown:
Cold weather and pipe smoking somehow go together, especially if you can settle for the fire and take it easy. But you want the right kind of fire in your pipe too. The cooler, slow burning fire of Prince Albert tobacco. Prince Albert burns slowly because it's crimp cut. A special no bite treatment takes out the porched and sting, lets you enjoy the rich mellow flavor of Prince Albert as often as you wish. Do you wonder why Prince Albert is the world's favorite? Try it just once and you'll know. And be sure on Saturday night to tune in the great Prince Albert radio show, Grand Old Opry, Coast to Coast on NBC.
[00:31:51] Unknown:
The Abbott and Costello Show for Camel cigarettes will be back at this very same time next week. Don't miss it. This is Ken Niles in Hollywood wishing you all the pleasure. Good night.
[00:32:12] Unknown:
This is the National Broadcasting Company.
[00:32:15] Unknown:
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The Abbott and Costello Show Introduction
Costello's New York Adventures
Camels for the Troops
Brooklyn and Coney Island
Costello's Public Speaking Lessons
Returning to Paterson
Launching the Garbage Scow
Yank of the Week Tribute
Upcoming Shows and Farewell
