In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring the classic duo of Abbott and Costello. The episode kicks off with Costello excitedly announcing his newfound wealth after inheriting a million dollars from his Uncle Oscar. As the duo banters about Costello's plans to buy a radio station and his lack of knowledge about radio, hilarity ensues with misunderstandings about beneficiaries and humorous exchanges about toothpaste and mustaches. The episode is filled with rapid-fire jokes, wordplay, and the classic comedic timing that Abbott and Costello are known for.
As the episode progresses, we are introduced to a series of characters including Ken Niles, Mrs. Niles, and the famous actor Alan Ladd, who adds to the chaos with his own comedic flair. The episode also features a mock radio program segment, showcasing Costello's attempts to run a radio station with various skits and advertisements. The episode is a delightful throwback to classic radio comedy, filled with laughter, absurdity, and the timeless humor of Abbott and Costello.
(00:45) Costello's Inheritance and Misunderstandings
(03:32) Costello's Radio Station Ambitions
(06:01) The Announcing Contest
(10:09) Alan Ladd's Visit and Radio Ideas
(14:01) All Night Record Show and Blossom Fink
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Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
[00:00:00]
Unknown:
And now spring in San Antonio, a secret recipe. Start by cutting from your routine, add a little spice at our theme parks, and mix it together well at the river walk. Now serve. Cheese. This spring, discover the many real and true flavors of San Antonio. Go to visit sanantonio.com/spring
[00:00:15] Unknown:
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[00:00:50] Unknown:
Abbott. Hey, Abbott. Why am I rich? No. I'm rich. What do you mean? Oh, I'm a I'm a millionaire. Calm down, Costello. What's this yelling all about? What do you mean you're a millionaire? Well, it's true, Abbott. My uncle Oscar just started and left me all this money in his will. You mean you're his, beneficiary? Yeah. Because who's what? Beneficiary. Beneficiary is the man who gets the money. Benny Fisher ain't gonna get none of this money. My uncle left the thought of me, Abbott. How did beneficiaries get into this deal? I'll take him to court. I'll sue him. Pastello, will you be quiet? Beneficiary means that you, you are your uncle's heir. My uncle's what? Your uncle's heir. Heir, h e I r. My uncle didn't have any h e I r. He was bald headed. Alright.
All he had was a mustache. So what? Well, my uncle was very proud of that mustache. Every morning, he used to cover it with toothpaste. So why did he cover his mustache with toothpaste? Well, so he kissed his wife. Toothpaste. I mean toothpaste. Why'd he do that? You have your s teeth in. Have you? Yes. Yes. I brought him along. Ladies and gentlemen, we will start back again. Why did he cover his mustache? Toothpaste. Now let's have it. Go ahead. Why did he cover his mustache with toothpaste? Yes. So he could kiss his wife goodbye and brush her teeth at the same time. Now this whole thing is ridiculous. For one thing, how do you know your uncle left this funny? Oh, I just got this telegraphed from my uncle's lawyer. I'm gonna read it. Go ahead, man. Real Luca Stello, your uncle Oscar has just died and left you a million. Thanks for your past favor. How do you like that, Abbot? I'm rich. I'm gonna take everybody out and buy them a multimillionaire. A multimillionaire? Yeah. Because I'm a multimillionaire.
Don't be crazy. By the way, Costello, you never told me about your uncle Oscar. Where where did your uncle live, Costello? He lived in England. Everybody know my uncle Oscar in England. He used to walk around with a pocket full of shillings. Shillings? No pence? Sure. He had pence. What do you think? He can walk around in his underwear? Oh, never mind. Take it. It's your uncle's underwear, please. Oh, well, don't you think it'll be a little crafty? Now, love, Costello, now that you're you've inherited a million million dollars, what are you going to do with all that money? Well, I'm gonna use half of the money to buy bonds. That's what everybody should do. That's swell. And then with the other half, I'm gonna buy a radio station. That's you're going to buy a radio station? Yeah. You don't know anything anything about radio. Why you don't even know, who discovered electricity. I do too. Missus Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity. Missus Benjamin Franklin. You mean Benjamin Franklin. No. Missus Benjamin Franklin.
One day, she and her husband had an argument, and she said, Benjamin, go fly a kite. Duh. Alright. That's enough, Costello. This whole thing is ridiculous. Well, hello, fellas. Oh, it's Ken Niles. Hey, bud. What's that fat boy looking so happy about? He looks like the cat that just swallowed a mouse. If I was a cat, you're one rat that wouldn't be. We're running around loose. Costello just got some good news, Ken. His uncle left him a million dollars and he is going to buy a radio show. And what's more, Niles, I'm gonna be the head announcer on my program. You're going to be the head announcer?
Costello, you can't become a head announcer overnight. Well, I've been hammering away for years to be a head announcer. You look like a hammerhead. Not quiet, Costello. Niles is right. An announcer must have an education. You you can't even read or write. Well, maybe not, but I but I spell. You certainly do. I said, well, everybody's reading wrong. Now go ahead. You give me any word at all and I'll spell it. Okay. Spell that Mississippi. State or river? River. River. River. River. River. River? Yeah. R I P E R. River. Come on, Costello. Don't try to crawl out of it. Spell Mississippi.
Okay. Mississippi. Yes. M I ping, s s I ping, s s I ping, p p I ping. Wait a minute. What's what's the ping for? I was starting the ice. Oh. Ah, this is the silliest thing I ever heard of. Why Costello, my lovely wife, would make a better announcer than you would. Your lovely wife, that old umbrella had her face lifted so many times, she's too tall for the microphone.
[00:05:14] Unknown:
Oh, I heard that remark, Costello. And I want you to know that I have never had my face lifted. They started to lift it, but when they saw what was underneath, they dropped it again.
[00:05:26] Unknown:
You must excuse Costello today, missus Niles. He's all excited. He just inherited a million dollars, and he's buying himself a radio station. Oh, that sounds just like a new stingy fat flute of crap. He wouldn't think of buying anything for his brand. I wouldn't say that, missus Niles. I'm gonna buy you a lovely present, a nice red fire extinguisher that will last you a hundred years. Oh, I don't expect to be here for a hundred years. That's alright. Well, you're going. You can take it with you. Now wait a minute, Costello. The nicest present you could give missus Niles is a chance to try out for that announcing job on your new station. Now why not have a little contest to see who is the fastest reader? That's right, Costello. After all, it's speed that counts in announcing, and my lovely wife and I challenge you to a contest. Now that's fair enough. Alright. Missus Niles, you will be number one. Oh, thank you very much, mister Abbott. And I shall certainly do my best to win this contest fairly and conduct myself with a lady. That's splendid, mister Niles. Now Ken, you're number two. Thank you very much, bud. And I certainly can do my best to win this contest fairly and conduct myself with a gentleman. Good. Good. And now, Costella, you will be number three. I thank you, mister Abbott, because I don't know how to think it's a little my progress in my mouth or two. I don't know how.
I didn't understand what you said, Costello. Well, did you hear what the other said? Yeah. Alright. Now let's go. You will each recite Mary Had a Little Lamb. Now when I call your name, you start. When you hear the bell, you stop. And don't forget to take a great big deep breath. All ready now? Mary had little lamb. No. No. No. Wait a minute. I'll call out the names. Not you. No. That's you. Alright. Missus Niles.
[00:06:53] Unknown:
Mary had little lamb, please find a stone. Everywhere that Mary had little lamb is sure to go. I bought her to school one day. Missus
[00:07:29] Unknown:
Lou Costello. The winner, Lou Costello. Why, that's the most amazing thing I've ever heard. Oh, it's astounding. Gosh. How did you ever learn to talk that bad? Oh, jeez. I've got two tongues. You you got two tongues? Yeah. I got my own and my father gave me his. So how come why would your father give you his tongue? Because my mother never gave him a chance to use it. Come in. Come in. Pardon me. Is this the radio station? Yeah. This is station I owe you, the voice of the creditors. I'm the owner and manager, Lou Costello, the great big fat radio maggot. My name my name is Hensley P. Kringlemeyer of Kringlemeyer and Ingersoll. Now where's Ingersoll? He's doing time.
I'm thinking of buying a program on your seat. I'm in the cracker business. You look like the crummy type. Costello, take it easy. You need the business. Yes, mister Costello. You see, I'm a very successful man. I manufacture Crinkle Myers crispy crunchy crackly crinkly crinkly crunchy crunchy crunchy. Young man, you took the words right out of my mouth. You mean I took the biscuits right out of your pan? That's it, young man. You make the cracks and I'll make the crackers. And now I'd like to have you meet a young chap who's going to help put on my program, meet my announcer, Oliver Storgy. How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? How do you hello. This guy's a radio announcer? Well, I suppose you like your own announcers, but I thought you might like to put one moron.
And he's the moron who can do it too. Alright. Alright. Let let the boy read something for his Costello. Go ahead. Let him read something. Oh, yeah. I marvel wonderful. Simply marvelous. Oh, so that's the way it is. Come, Oliver. We'll take our business elsewhere. Alright. Alright. That's not a listen. That's no way to run a radio station. You're chasing all the customers away. Alright. Alright. Alright. Just a minute. I'll open the door.
[00:10:19] Unknown:
Never mind. I'll walk through
[00:10:22] Unknown:
it. Costello. Costello. Look who it is, that famous killer. Alan Ladd.
[00:10:38] Unknown:
Hey, which one of you fellows is Costello?
[00:10:43] Unknown:
It's a little fat one. Me, I'm Costello.
[00:10:48] Unknown:
Oh, you,
[00:10:50] Unknown:
Listen, Fatty, I understand you just inherit a million dollars. It's alright. You got me. Go ahead. Take my money. Pull out your gun. Go ahead. Shoot me full of holes. Come on. Make me look like Swiss cheese. Go ahead. Hey. Wait a minute. What are you talking about? I don't even carry a gun. Oh, gun is too noisy. Yeah? You got a knife? Mhmm. Got a knife. Go ahead. Something to me. Why, stab me? Cut me the ribbons. I got a I got a clean underwear. I'm ready to die. Pastella, Alan Laird doesn't wanna kill you. If he does, I'll never talk to him again. Oh, look. I don't want you to die. I I hope you live to be a 50 years old. Oh, you want me to be an old man, a 50 years old with a beard? I'll trip over my beard, fall into the street, get over by a truck, then you'll wanna take me to hospital. No. No. No. No. He he wants you to be healthy so you can go to work. Oh, fine. Fine. I've been acting like before. An old man, me, a hundred and 50 years old, he wants me to go to work. What does he care? Okay. Okay. Don't go to work. Oh, no. He won't let me work. Wants me to to starve to death. Wait a minute, please. No one wants you to starve to death. No. Eat steaks. Eat big, juicy steaks. How do you like that? A hundred and 50 years old, not a tooth in my head? He wants me to eat steak.
[00:11:55] Unknown:
Listen, Costello. If it'll make you happy, I'll carry you around in my arms. Now it's time to make an invalid hole.
[00:12:02] Unknown:
Costello,
[00:12:02] Unknown:
quiet. Stop all this nonsense and arguing with Alan Ladd. Give a man a chance to talk, please. Yeah. That's right, Costello. I merely heard that you were selling a radio station. I came over for a job. You want a job in my station? Well, what would you do? Well, I I always wanted to be one of those fellas that steps up to the microphone and says, men, a new shaving cream has hit the market. It is called, Reverso. Reverso does the way with shaving of any kind. It makes the whiskers grow inside your mouth. All you have to do is bite them off.
Remember reversal. Spelled backwards, it reads reads, observer, which makes it harder to remember.
[00:12:50] Unknown:
Say, Costello, this Allen. Land is pretty good. Yes. Not bad for a lad. Hey. Listen. But I think his voice is a little but I think his voice is a little too loud. Try it a little farther away from the microphone, Allen. What? You mean like this? No. No. You're still too close. Step back a little farther. Well, how's this, Costello? No. Step back just a little farther. Oh, but, I'm up against the wall now. Oh, you are? Well, open up those French windows and step out on that balcony. Okay. You know something, Abbot? What? We have no balcony.
[00:13:34] Unknown:
Come in.
[00:13:35] Unknown:
Well, hello, boys. How's the radio business? Yeah. But it's time to land. What are you doing back here, Arnold? I thought I got rid of you when you fell off the balcony. Didn't you get hurt? No. Fortunately, I was wearing my light ball suit.
[00:13:48] Unknown:
You need me around here, Costello. Your audience is crying for new blood. And in a minute, they're gonna get it.
[00:13:54] Unknown:
Your blood. Alright, Costello. Why don't you listen to Alan? He may have some good program ideas to improve your station. Certainly, Costello.
[00:14:03] Unknown:
I've written lots of dandy programs. Why don't we try out a few of them? For example, those all night record shows are very popular. You fellas help me out, and we'll try one right now. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's listen to the music. Good evening, record fans everywhere. This is happy Alan Ladd bringing you the oldest all night record program on the air, broadcasting since 1896, '20 '4 years before radio. Now that's enough talk. We start off our uninterrupted dance music with a recording of Mexicali Rose played by Freddie Snitch and his Los Angeles River washout. Here it is. Mexicali Rose.
This number is being played for Fred and Mabel, Cecil and Rodney, Becky, Fanny, Pauline, the boys at Shmetnick's Pool Hall,
[00:14:58] Unknown:
the shut ins at Alcatraz, and Poopsie.
[00:15:01] Unknown:
I know you all want to dance, so back to the music.
[00:15:09] Unknown:
Attention, all men 95. Are you taking care of your tooth? Do you use pink toothpaste to suffer from white toothbrush? Will you smile? Does your tooth stand like a limer beating up a barrel of tar? The dry, dustifying, brushless toothpaste, the only tape toothpaste containing grit, sand, and gravel. To receive a freaky tube with this toothpaste, do not send in an empty tube. Just send in your tooth. Remember Feintbuster's toothpaste for sparkling gums. And now back to the music.
[00:15:47] Unknown:
And I want to interrupt the music for a moment to tell you that you're dancing to Mexicali Road.
[00:15:56] Unknown:
Ladies, have you tried Slick O'Shelek on your floors? When you get up tomorrow, make this simple, simple test. Put two drops of Slick O'Shelek on your floor and rub gently for two days. Then put two more drops on your floor and rub for three days. Then finally, two more drops and rub for two more days. And ladies, before you know it, the week is gone, and so is your floor.
[00:16:25] Unknown:
You have just been dancing to Mexicali Road. Good night.
[00:16:36] Unknown:
Say, Ellen, that was great. Yeah. They were. I don't got any more of those kind of programs. Well, I I got a great story for your daytime program. It's it's all about a young girl and her problems. You wanna hear it? Yes. If that sounds good, Costello, Freddie Rich. Let's have the, theme music.
[00:16:57] Unknown:
The makers of GrowFuzz hair tonic present another episode in the True Life story of Blossom Fink, Girl's Steak Cleaner. But first but first, listen to what a satisfied user has to say about Grofos. Go ahead, mister Shnook.
[00:17:14] Unknown:
My wife was disappointed in me because I didn't have any hair on my chest. So I bought a bottle of Grofos. And now after one application, you should see the hair on my chest. I don't wear a shirt anymore. I wear a fascinator.
[00:17:35] Unknown:
And now back to Blossom Fink, Girl Street Cleaner.
[00:17:38] Unknown:
It seems like only yesterday that poor Blossom drank potato bug spray, thinking it was orange peco. But don't worry, folks. Blossom's all right now. The police gave her the third degree and pumped it out of her.
[00:17:48] Unknown:
In the meantime, Blossom's friend Harvey went to the general store to meet squire Pindell to inquire about Larry who had received the tragic letter from missus Philpott's nephew Eustace who had told her of the split up between Bernice and Fitzroy. Now while this was happening, the butcher's son Hermann spied Charlie and Julius leaving missus Greystone's house with Myrtle and Phoebe and quickly rang the far alarm. Naturally, Blossom was a little confused by all this, and so am I.
[00:18:14] Unknown:
But as we look in upon Blossom this morning, she and her husband are having fresh breakfast. True. Blossom's speech.
[00:18:22] Unknown:
Oh, good morning, John, darling. What do you want for breakfast? Oh, dear. I I'd like some coffee. But you should have milk. But I'd much rather have a coffee, dear. But you should have milk. I'd rather have coffee.
[00:18:35] Unknown:
No milk. No. No coffee. Milk. Coffee. Tune in tomorrow. Will John have milk or coffee?
[00:18:44] Unknown:
And remember, friends, go to your nearest drugstore and get a bottle of Girl Fuzz hair tonic. Try it tonight. If you're not completely satisfied, please don't complain. You've only got one bottle. We got a million of them.
[00:19:10] Unknown:
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And now spring in San Antonio, a secret recipe. Start by cutting from your routine, add a little spice at our theme parks, and mix it together well at the river walk. Now serve. Cheese. This spring, discover the many real and true flavors of San Antonio. Go to visit sanantonio.com/spring
[00:00:15] Unknown:
for more. Judy was boring. Hello. Then Judy discovered chumbacasino.com. It's my little escape. Now Judy's the life of the party. Oh, baby. Mama's bringing home the bacon. Woah. Take it easy, Judy. The Chumba life is for everybody. So go to chumbacasino.com and play over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumbacasino.com. No purchase necessary. We were committed by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See website for details. Hey,
[00:00:50] Unknown:
Abbott. Hey, Abbott. Why am I rich? No. I'm rich. What do you mean? Oh, I'm a I'm a millionaire. Calm down, Costello. What's this yelling all about? What do you mean you're a millionaire? Well, it's true, Abbott. My uncle Oscar just started and left me all this money in his will. You mean you're his, beneficiary? Yeah. Because who's what? Beneficiary. Beneficiary is the man who gets the money. Benny Fisher ain't gonna get none of this money. My uncle left the thought of me, Abbott. How did beneficiaries get into this deal? I'll take him to court. I'll sue him. Pastello, will you be quiet? Beneficiary means that you, you are your uncle's heir. My uncle's what? Your uncle's heir. Heir, h e I r. My uncle didn't have any h e I r. He was bald headed. Alright.
All he had was a mustache. So what? Well, my uncle was very proud of that mustache. Every morning, he used to cover it with toothpaste. So why did he cover his mustache with toothpaste? Well, so he kissed his wife. Toothpaste. I mean toothpaste. Why'd he do that? You have your s teeth in. Have you? Yes. Yes. I brought him along. Ladies and gentlemen, we will start back again. Why did he cover his mustache? Toothpaste. Now let's have it. Go ahead. Why did he cover his mustache with toothpaste? Yes. So he could kiss his wife goodbye and brush her teeth at the same time. Now this whole thing is ridiculous. For one thing, how do you know your uncle left this funny? Oh, I just got this telegraphed from my uncle's lawyer. I'm gonna read it. Go ahead, man. Real Luca Stello, your uncle Oscar has just died and left you a million. Thanks for your past favor. How do you like that, Abbot? I'm rich. I'm gonna take everybody out and buy them a multimillionaire. A multimillionaire? Yeah. Because I'm a multimillionaire.
Don't be crazy. By the way, Costello, you never told me about your uncle Oscar. Where where did your uncle live, Costello? He lived in England. Everybody know my uncle Oscar in England. He used to walk around with a pocket full of shillings. Shillings? No pence? Sure. He had pence. What do you think? He can walk around in his underwear? Oh, never mind. Take it. It's your uncle's underwear, please. Oh, well, don't you think it'll be a little crafty? Now, love, Costello, now that you're you've inherited a million million dollars, what are you going to do with all that money? Well, I'm gonna use half of the money to buy bonds. That's what everybody should do. That's swell. And then with the other half, I'm gonna buy a radio station. That's you're going to buy a radio station? Yeah. You don't know anything anything about radio. Why you don't even know, who discovered electricity. I do too. Missus Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity. Missus Benjamin Franklin. You mean Benjamin Franklin. No. Missus Benjamin Franklin.
One day, she and her husband had an argument, and she said, Benjamin, go fly a kite. Duh. Alright. That's enough, Costello. This whole thing is ridiculous. Well, hello, fellas. Oh, it's Ken Niles. Hey, bud. What's that fat boy looking so happy about? He looks like the cat that just swallowed a mouse. If I was a cat, you're one rat that wouldn't be. We're running around loose. Costello just got some good news, Ken. His uncle left him a million dollars and he is going to buy a radio show. And what's more, Niles, I'm gonna be the head announcer on my program. You're going to be the head announcer?
Costello, you can't become a head announcer overnight. Well, I've been hammering away for years to be a head announcer. You look like a hammerhead. Not quiet, Costello. Niles is right. An announcer must have an education. You you can't even read or write. Well, maybe not, but I but I spell. You certainly do. I said, well, everybody's reading wrong. Now go ahead. You give me any word at all and I'll spell it. Okay. Spell that Mississippi. State or river? River. River. River. River. River. River? Yeah. R I P E R. River. Come on, Costello. Don't try to crawl out of it. Spell Mississippi.
Okay. Mississippi. Yes. M I ping, s s I ping, s s I ping, p p I ping. Wait a minute. What's what's the ping for? I was starting the ice. Oh. Ah, this is the silliest thing I ever heard of. Why Costello, my lovely wife, would make a better announcer than you would. Your lovely wife, that old umbrella had her face lifted so many times, she's too tall for the microphone.
[00:05:14] Unknown:
Oh, I heard that remark, Costello. And I want you to know that I have never had my face lifted. They started to lift it, but when they saw what was underneath, they dropped it again.
[00:05:26] Unknown:
You must excuse Costello today, missus Niles. He's all excited. He just inherited a million dollars, and he's buying himself a radio station. Oh, that sounds just like a new stingy fat flute of crap. He wouldn't think of buying anything for his brand. I wouldn't say that, missus Niles. I'm gonna buy you a lovely present, a nice red fire extinguisher that will last you a hundred years. Oh, I don't expect to be here for a hundred years. That's alright. Well, you're going. You can take it with you. Now wait a minute, Costello. The nicest present you could give missus Niles is a chance to try out for that announcing job on your new station. Now why not have a little contest to see who is the fastest reader? That's right, Costello. After all, it's speed that counts in announcing, and my lovely wife and I challenge you to a contest. Now that's fair enough. Alright. Missus Niles, you will be number one. Oh, thank you very much, mister Abbott. And I shall certainly do my best to win this contest fairly and conduct myself with a lady. That's splendid, mister Niles. Now Ken, you're number two. Thank you very much, bud. And I certainly can do my best to win this contest fairly and conduct myself with a gentleman. Good. Good. And now, Costella, you will be number three. I thank you, mister Abbott, because I don't know how to think it's a little my progress in my mouth or two. I don't know how.
I didn't understand what you said, Costello. Well, did you hear what the other said? Yeah. Alright. Now let's go. You will each recite Mary Had a Little Lamb. Now when I call your name, you start. When you hear the bell, you stop. And don't forget to take a great big deep breath. All ready now? Mary had little lamb. No. No. No. Wait a minute. I'll call out the names. Not you. No. That's you. Alright. Missus Niles.
[00:06:53] Unknown:
Mary had little lamb, please find a stone. Everywhere that Mary had little lamb is sure to go. I bought her to school one day. Missus
[00:07:29] Unknown:
Lou Costello. The winner, Lou Costello. Why, that's the most amazing thing I've ever heard. Oh, it's astounding. Gosh. How did you ever learn to talk that bad? Oh, jeez. I've got two tongues. You you got two tongues? Yeah. I got my own and my father gave me his. So how come why would your father give you his tongue? Because my mother never gave him a chance to use it. Come in. Come in. Pardon me. Is this the radio station? Yeah. This is station I owe you, the voice of the creditors. I'm the owner and manager, Lou Costello, the great big fat radio maggot. My name my name is Hensley P. Kringlemeyer of Kringlemeyer and Ingersoll. Now where's Ingersoll? He's doing time.
I'm thinking of buying a program on your seat. I'm in the cracker business. You look like the crummy type. Costello, take it easy. You need the business. Yes, mister Costello. You see, I'm a very successful man. I manufacture Crinkle Myers crispy crunchy crackly crinkly crinkly crunchy crunchy crunchy. Young man, you took the words right out of my mouth. You mean I took the biscuits right out of your pan? That's it, young man. You make the cracks and I'll make the crackers. And now I'd like to have you meet a young chap who's going to help put on my program, meet my announcer, Oliver Storgy. How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? How do you hello. This guy's a radio announcer? Well, I suppose you like your own announcers, but I thought you might like to put one moron.
And he's the moron who can do it too. Alright. Alright. Let let the boy read something for his Costello. Go ahead. Let him read something. Oh, yeah. I marvel wonderful. Simply marvelous. Oh, so that's the way it is. Come, Oliver. We'll take our business elsewhere. Alright. Alright. That's not a listen. That's no way to run a radio station. You're chasing all the customers away. Alright. Alright. Alright. Just a minute. I'll open the door.
[00:10:19] Unknown:
Never mind. I'll walk through
[00:10:22] Unknown:
it. Costello. Costello. Look who it is, that famous killer. Alan Ladd.
[00:10:38] Unknown:
Hey, which one of you fellows is Costello?
[00:10:43] Unknown:
It's a little fat one. Me, I'm Costello.
[00:10:48] Unknown:
Oh, you,
[00:10:50] Unknown:
Listen, Fatty, I understand you just inherit a million dollars. It's alright. You got me. Go ahead. Take my money. Pull out your gun. Go ahead. Shoot me full of holes. Come on. Make me look like Swiss cheese. Go ahead. Hey. Wait a minute. What are you talking about? I don't even carry a gun. Oh, gun is too noisy. Yeah? You got a knife? Mhmm. Got a knife. Go ahead. Something to me. Why, stab me? Cut me the ribbons. I got a I got a clean underwear. I'm ready to die. Pastella, Alan Laird doesn't wanna kill you. If he does, I'll never talk to him again. Oh, look. I don't want you to die. I I hope you live to be a 50 years old. Oh, you want me to be an old man, a 50 years old with a beard? I'll trip over my beard, fall into the street, get over by a truck, then you'll wanna take me to hospital. No. No. No. No. He he wants you to be healthy so you can go to work. Oh, fine. Fine. I've been acting like before. An old man, me, a hundred and 50 years old, he wants me to go to work. What does he care? Okay. Okay. Don't go to work. Oh, no. He won't let me work. Wants me to to starve to death. Wait a minute, please. No one wants you to starve to death. No. Eat steaks. Eat big, juicy steaks. How do you like that? A hundred and 50 years old, not a tooth in my head? He wants me to eat steak.
[00:11:55] Unknown:
Listen, Costello. If it'll make you happy, I'll carry you around in my arms. Now it's time to make an invalid hole.
[00:12:02] Unknown:
Costello,
[00:12:02] Unknown:
quiet. Stop all this nonsense and arguing with Alan Ladd. Give a man a chance to talk, please. Yeah. That's right, Costello. I merely heard that you were selling a radio station. I came over for a job. You want a job in my station? Well, what would you do? Well, I I always wanted to be one of those fellas that steps up to the microphone and says, men, a new shaving cream has hit the market. It is called, Reverso. Reverso does the way with shaving of any kind. It makes the whiskers grow inside your mouth. All you have to do is bite them off.
Remember reversal. Spelled backwards, it reads reads, observer, which makes it harder to remember.
[00:12:50] Unknown:
Say, Costello, this Allen. Land is pretty good. Yes. Not bad for a lad. Hey. Listen. But I think his voice is a little but I think his voice is a little too loud. Try it a little farther away from the microphone, Allen. What? You mean like this? No. No. You're still too close. Step back a little farther. Well, how's this, Costello? No. Step back just a little farther. Oh, but, I'm up against the wall now. Oh, you are? Well, open up those French windows and step out on that balcony. Okay. You know something, Abbot? What? We have no balcony.
[00:13:34] Unknown:
Come in.
[00:13:35] Unknown:
Well, hello, boys. How's the radio business? Yeah. But it's time to land. What are you doing back here, Arnold? I thought I got rid of you when you fell off the balcony. Didn't you get hurt? No. Fortunately, I was wearing my light ball suit.
[00:13:48] Unknown:
You need me around here, Costello. Your audience is crying for new blood. And in a minute, they're gonna get it.
[00:13:54] Unknown:
Your blood. Alright, Costello. Why don't you listen to Alan? He may have some good program ideas to improve your station. Certainly, Costello.
[00:14:03] Unknown:
I've written lots of dandy programs. Why don't we try out a few of them? For example, those all night record shows are very popular. You fellas help me out, and we'll try one right now. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's listen to the music. Good evening, record fans everywhere. This is happy Alan Ladd bringing you the oldest all night record program on the air, broadcasting since 1896, '20 '4 years before radio. Now that's enough talk. We start off our uninterrupted dance music with a recording of Mexicali Rose played by Freddie Snitch and his Los Angeles River washout. Here it is. Mexicali Rose.
This number is being played for Fred and Mabel, Cecil and Rodney, Becky, Fanny, Pauline, the boys at Shmetnick's Pool Hall,
[00:14:58] Unknown:
the shut ins at Alcatraz, and Poopsie.
[00:15:01] Unknown:
I know you all want to dance, so back to the music.
[00:15:09] Unknown:
Attention, all men 95. Are you taking care of your tooth? Do you use pink toothpaste to suffer from white toothbrush? Will you smile? Does your tooth stand like a limer beating up a barrel of tar? The dry, dustifying, brushless toothpaste, the only tape toothpaste containing grit, sand, and gravel. To receive a freaky tube with this toothpaste, do not send in an empty tube. Just send in your tooth. Remember Feintbuster's toothpaste for sparkling gums. And now back to the music.
[00:15:47] Unknown:
And I want to interrupt the music for a moment to tell you that you're dancing to Mexicali Road.
[00:15:56] Unknown:
Ladies, have you tried Slick O'Shelek on your floors? When you get up tomorrow, make this simple, simple test. Put two drops of Slick O'Shelek on your floor and rub gently for two days. Then put two more drops on your floor and rub for three days. Then finally, two more drops and rub for two more days. And ladies, before you know it, the week is gone, and so is your floor.
[00:16:25] Unknown:
You have just been dancing to Mexicali Road. Good night.
[00:16:36] Unknown:
Say, Ellen, that was great. Yeah. They were. I don't got any more of those kind of programs. Well, I I got a great story for your daytime program. It's it's all about a young girl and her problems. You wanna hear it? Yes. If that sounds good, Costello, Freddie Rich. Let's have the, theme music.
[00:16:57] Unknown:
The makers of GrowFuzz hair tonic present another episode in the True Life story of Blossom Fink, Girl's Steak Cleaner. But first but first, listen to what a satisfied user has to say about Grofos. Go ahead, mister Shnook.
[00:17:14] Unknown:
My wife was disappointed in me because I didn't have any hair on my chest. So I bought a bottle of Grofos. And now after one application, you should see the hair on my chest. I don't wear a shirt anymore. I wear a fascinator.
[00:17:35] Unknown:
And now back to Blossom Fink, Girl Street Cleaner.
[00:17:38] Unknown:
It seems like only yesterday that poor Blossom drank potato bug spray, thinking it was orange peco. But don't worry, folks. Blossom's all right now. The police gave her the third degree and pumped it out of her.
[00:17:48] Unknown:
In the meantime, Blossom's friend Harvey went to the general store to meet squire Pindell to inquire about Larry who had received the tragic letter from missus Philpott's nephew Eustace who had told her of the split up between Bernice and Fitzroy. Now while this was happening, the butcher's son Hermann spied Charlie and Julius leaving missus Greystone's house with Myrtle and Phoebe and quickly rang the far alarm. Naturally, Blossom was a little confused by all this, and so am I.
[00:18:14] Unknown:
But as we look in upon Blossom this morning, she and her husband are having fresh breakfast. True. Blossom's speech.
[00:18:22] Unknown:
Oh, good morning, John, darling. What do you want for breakfast? Oh, dear. I I'd like some coffee. But you should have milk. But I'd much rather have a coffee, dear. But you should have milk. I'd rather have coffee.
[00:18:35] Unknown:
No milk. No. No coffee. Milk. Coffee. Tune in tomorrow. Will John have milk or coffee?
[00:18:44] Unknown:
And remember, friends, go to your nearest drugstore and get a bottle of Girl Fuzz hair tonic. Try it tonight. If you're not completely satisfied, please don't complain. You've only got one bottle. We got a million of them.
[00:19:10] Unknown:
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