In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring a humorous exchange between two characters, Lou and Abbott, as they navigate the chaos of attending a high-society party. The duo's antics include a mix-up with shower curtains, a misunderstanding about flowers, and a hilarious attempt at dancing. The episode is filled with witty banter, slapstick humor, and a series of misunderstandings that keep the audience entertained.
As the episode unfolds, listeners are treated to a comedic play within the show, "Anthony and Cleopatra," where Lou Costello's character, Mark Anthony, hilariously interacts with Cleopatra, played by Elsa Maxwell. The play is a parody filled with puns and comedic mishaps, showcasing the classic humor style of the performers. The episode concludes with a series of comedic exchanges that highlight the absurdity and charm of the characters' interactions, leaving the audience in stitches.
(01:55) Late Arrival and Tuxedo Troubles
(03:11) Shower Curtain Mishap
(05:07) Dancing and Lifeguard Duties
(09:06) Elsa Maxwell's Party Preparations
(14:45) Anthony and Cleopatra Play
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Listen up, buttercup. It's time to get off your grab some weights, and get back in shape. But what's gonna be different this time? You're gonna sign up with the BODI app. That's BODI with an I. You know BODI for p 90 x and hundreds of proven programs that get you ripped, And they're all here on the app along with great new programs and all the nutrition and supplements you need to nail your routine. And right now, if you sign up for a one year subscription to BODY, you'll get an instant $30 discount, and the BODY app rocks. Rocks. CNN underscore just rated BODY the best fitness app, so you know it works. Will it be tough? Hell, yeah. But this is the structure you need to get the gains you want, and BODY stands behind your results. If you don't lose five to 10 pounds in your first thirty days, you don't pay. Now here's the deal. The next 500 people who sign up for a year of BODY get an instant $30 off. That saves you 59%, but this is a limited time offer. Just go to bODY.com, get your $30 off, and get started today. That's bodywithani.com.
[00:01:00] Unknown:
Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis, and and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Introducing The Godfather at chompacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champacasino.com. Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VVW group. Way where prohibited by Ma. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. I'm a baby.
Hey, Come on. Come on. Here we are on our second week in New York, and you show up late for the broadcast. Now look, where have you been? Where have you been? No. I've been over at. Put me eight hours to get here on a Greyhound. Now that's ridiculous. Eight hours. Now don't give me any of that. How could it take eight hours to come from Paterson here on a Greyhound? Well, my Greyhound got interested in another Greyhound. Do you realize that Lou, are you paying any attention to me? Yes. Well, good. Well, that's delicious, please. Do you realize we're invited to a big party at Elsa Maxwell's house tonight? Yes. Why aren't you wearing your tuxedo? It's ruined. I was wearing my tuxedo last night and the girl bit me. Where did you bite you? Well, if I was wearing license plates, you would have got the last three numbers. Alright. She's not the clock that's ten ten days. Alright, Bluff. Can you please talk, Seth? Are you taking your girl, lean against her when you see the button? No. No. No. We ain't speaking. Well, now what's the matter with you and Lena again? Well, yesterday she bought some brand new shower curtain and she asked me to hang up on hang them up. And by mistake, I hung them over the front door. Well, that's not so terrible. Oh, no? Last night when she went to take a shower, she slipped off her back robe, pushed aside the curtain, and sits down on the front porch.
Tell me, Godzilla, were you born? What if it was? Wait a minute, I want to ask you. Pardon me. I know that. I want to ask you one really simple question. Were you born were you born, Dopey? I should say not on a self made joke. That's what I I believe it. 08/02. How about hang on. Wait a minute. While I think of it, Lou, I bet you didn't even get any flowers for Elsa Maxwell. Yes, I did. I bought a basic orchid for her hair. An orchid? An orchid for her hair. You dummy orchids are $30 a piece. You could have bought a pair of pants for that. Now wouldn't you look awful silly wearing a pair of pants in her hair? A cold night. You can always put her ears in the pocket.
Never mind me, but why why didn't you get her a a core start? A what? A core start. I don't know her son. I no. No. No. No. No. You dummy. I I'm you don't seem to understand the life. I need some flowers to wear on her dress, you know. Oh, yeah. I bought her a bucket of chameleon. A bucket. A bucket of chameleon? You mean a bouquet, not a bucket. B o u q bucket. Buck alright. Well, I thought What is it? What is it? Bucket or bouquet? Bouquet. But that if you if it'll make you happy, make it a bucket. Alright. I bought a bucket of tomatoes and do they smell beautiful? Why you idiot?
Some idiots have no odor. Well, these do. The bucket I brought him over in had bitten. Now But he's a kid. God, he's just I hope you don't make a fool of me at Elsa Maxwell's party tonight. Do you know there's there's going to be dancing? Oh, dancing. Well, I love dancing. I used to be a lifeguard at the Rosemont dance hall. A a life drive in the dance hall. Yeah. I kept the wolves. I'm getting too close to the wave. Ella. What what kind of dancing do you do? Oh, me? I do the chimney. Miss chimney. Miss chimney has a back number. Oh, I can start my committee, please. Oh, talk to Ed, Gazzella. Do you do you conga? Tonga. Were you ever in a conga line?
I tried to get in a conga line once, but I must have gotten the wrong line. Now what do you mean by that? I never got to dance, but but I came back with an armoire of paper towels. I'd love that to go. And tell us, I can tell that you know absolutely nothing about modern dancing. Hold on. You don't. I said from the failure of dancers, my aunt Minnie, She was that famous balloon dancer on a stage. You tell. One night, a mouse ran across the stage and then Minnie screamed and dropped her balloon. Yeah. What happened? The mouse painted the The mouse oh, I'm not gonna take any any chances. Now before we go to Elsa Maxwell's party tonight, I'm gonna see if you really know how to dance. In other words, I'll give you a lesson. I don't have to give you any lesson. I took classes from Martha Murray. There's only one thing wrong. He taught me the woman's steps. So what's wrong with that? I am the only wallflower in the history of dancing that uses the men's smoking rules. Yeah. Look. Never mind that. Look. I'm gonna teach you how to dance right now. Right here. I am. Yeah. Right here. Now let's say that I'm a beautiful society girl. Now this is my my first party, incidentally. I'm I'm coming out tonight.
Okay. You're the kind that ought to be pushed back in? No. No. Cut that out. I'm a beautiful girl. What's your name? What's the difference? Let's say my name is, Laura Dune. Your name is what? Let's say Laura Dune. Oh, I know you are sister. Nothing, Dune. Alright. Never heard that. Will you please say it, Duney? Wait a minute. Listen to me, please. Now here here I stand. I here I stand already today. Now I'm dressed in a a a strapless evening gown and you asked me to dance. No. I can't dance with a girl with a bad accent. Why not? Why? It always makes you feel like I'm patting a ball man in a head. Never mind that. Now let's stand. Now here we go. Come on. I'll slide, slide, slide, and glide.
My that still looks wonderful. I like the way you dip. Who's dipping my pencil for? Always in this lovely we're dancing past the orchestra. What's the matter? I guess too close to the trombone player. Come in. Come in. Come in. Why is missus Niles? What are you doing in New York? Oh, I got new in from Hollywood. Blue in, hey. How's it coming on you, broom? Hotel, I'll have you go live. When I arrived this morning, they rode out the carpet. Oh, I wish you had been there. Of course. Then they could have rolled out the barrel. Alright. You'll hate it. You don't have to scramble it.
I have no time to argue with you, Cartelo. Oh, I'm dead tired, and my plain fib, I'm good. Busch, you look more like something that's been freed. I'll have you know that I just came to the beauty parlor. What's the matter? This beauty sweet monkey Costello, this beauty treatment cost me $200 and already I've been taken for Lana Turner and Rita Hayworth. You have also been taken for $200. Missus Niles alone. Yes. You little pipsqueak. Another remark like that and I'll kick you out of this studio kitten caboodle. Missus Niles, you may kick my tits, but don't you dare lift your foot to my taboodle.
Go ahead, Costello. Missus Niles, would you go with Costello to, Elsa Maxwell's party tonight, please? Why I wouldn't be seen with this uncouth fat little assassin? I wish you had to say that, missus Niles. We could be very dear friends if you would have faith in me. Have faith in you? Everybody has faith in me. Even my dog has faith in me. Oh, dog face Castello, Please, missus Niles. Where'd you go with Castello? Oh, very well. I'll go with Castello on one condition. I insist that he drive me to the party. Alright. I'll drive to the party, but you have to bring your own harness. I know I've enjoyed talking to my life. Well, Casella, at least I'd try to get you a woman take to the party, didn't I? Try to get me a what? A woman. You want a pet? I I mean, good evening, gentlemen. Stella. Castello, it's a professor Melanet, what what are you doing here? I'll tell you what I'm doing here, Abbott. I just read in this newspaper here that Castello was going to Elsa Maxwell's house party. It's an outrage. I will not tolerate it after all. I have jurisdiction over this. I happen to be miss Maxwell's right hand man. I'm her major domo. You look like her shiny domo.
There you go, Priscilla. Making remarks about my bald head again. I am proud of my bald head. My head looks like a baby. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Like a baby cereal bowl with shredded wheat around the egg. Well, tell me why do you object to Costello going to Elsa Maxwell's party? Why? If Costello would appear that Maxwell's party would be a catastrophe. It would be Heck for the street? No. No. No. No. No. A catastrophe. Cut I'll explain a catastrophe. Costello, suppose your cat had kittens in your hat, what would that be? America. My cat's name is Jake.
Don't worry about Castello at the party, please. I'll take care of him. Alright, Abbot. I warn you, Costello, don't partake of any edibles or viands until the butler announces dinner. Wahoo. The butler. The but look. I'll explain the butler. At your house, how do you know when it's time to eat? Well, my mother takes the iron bars off the dining room door. I hope your wife, mother hating, gonna do the cooking tonight enough for Maxwell. She makes the world's worst pancakes. I never mind about wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't want you to make any more remarks about my wife's pancake. What? In fact, Costello, the next time you mention the word pancake, I wanna take this newspaper and hit you over the head with it. You mean every time I mention the word pancake, say? Cut it off. Cut it off.
I mean, after all, I I I certainly don't like like your wife's, that stuff anyway. You don't like what stuff? I don't like that the the word you want me to say if I say that. What word? What word? Gonna be on the head if I say it. What word? Okay. That hurts. That hurts, Well, I only hit you on the head because you said something you're not supposed to say. Well, I won't say that word no more. What word? Patty cake. You thought I was gonna say pancakes. Never say it again. I won't say the word no more. In fact, you can never eat them again. Pancakes? Mullen Head. What? Down the end of the page. Alright.
Mullen Head. What? I'm not gonna say anymore about your your wife's cooking. That's that's stuff she makes. Why? You know why? Why? I'm gonna tell you why. Why? Because there was a war once. A war? What do you know about the war? Funny about the war. It's got something to do with what you were talking about when you're hitting me on her head. That too? Yes. This war, I was going over. I had to go. And, dad, I was gonna fight for our country over there. And that was right where the bullets were the thickest. Where the bullets were the thickest? Where was that? Underneath the ammunition truck. Now be serious. A firelight come up out of there, and there was a bullet coming right at me. A bullet coming at you and it hit me. A bullet hit you right in the heart. Right in the heart. And before I left home, my father gave me a good book. Yes? And he told me to purify my heart. It's a good book. And you know what saved me from being killed? The good book. Of course. Oh, no. One of your wife's pancakes.
Boys, this is somebody Costello. What a crowd. Hello, boy. Costello. It's Elsa Maxwell. Do you realize that this is the one and only Elsa Maxwell? Yes. Here I am in the flesh. Who is this? If I had give it back, you're crushing it all out of shape. Don't you talk to me that way, you baby bunions. Baby bunions? Yes. You're a little corny. Don't don't mind you, Nelsa. Is there anything we can do to help, entertain your guest tonight? Yes. I'd like to have you boys put on a play. I have a wonderful vehicle for you, mister mister Eddett. And what about a vehicle for me? A vehicle for you, Cassello? How about a garbage truck?
Hey. You know, Abbott, this thing's got better jokes than I got. Help, I have you something in mind for us. I know you have produced some big Broadway shows and Oh, yes. But I've been on the stage. You know, I've also appeared in a few western pictures. In fact, I I played a regular western girl. I shot from the hip. From the way up here? Shut up. I've been listening to Elsie. Oh, that's all right, bud. I think our fellow is only pulling my leg. Oh, yeah. I couldn't even lift it. You know, you know, boys. You know, I've written a little sketch that we can do tonight. It's called Anthony and Cleopatra. It's a lovely play, Gautela. You will be Anthony, and I will be Cleopatra, the violin of a Nile. You sound more like a pogone on a Hudson.
If you don't understand, Gautela, Elsa will be Cleopatra, the most enchanting lady on the Nile. Yes, Gautela. In this play, I am a sorceress. Sorceress? You're a whole set of dishes. What a lovely play, Gautela. I fall madly in love with you. I get you in my clutches. Yes. But you break away. Yes. Again, I get you in my clutches. Yes. And again, you break away. Looks like my brakes are okay, but my clutch is slipping. Cut it out, Costello. Let's get on with the blade. Melonette, will you set the scene? Okay, Abbott. Now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you a drama of Anthony and Cleopatra, starring Elsa Maxwell, Budd Abbot, and Lou Costello entitled, how the terrible slave kills Cleopatra or Costello makes an ass of himself.
As the scene opens, Julius Caesar and Mark Anthony are walking along the banks of the Nile. Julius Caesar's feet. Please. Anthony, isn't this a wonderful country? Yes, Julius. There is no country in the world as beautiful as egg white. Egg white? Wait a minute, Costello. Where do you see egg white on the script? Right here in the script. What do you mean? Egg white. E G Y P T, egg white. Oh, you don't. That's Egypt. That's it. Egypt. Two reasons straight lines, kid. I'll get the last one. Yeah. Quiet. Anthony, we are approaching Cleopatra's camp. Paul, who's always there? God, tell Cleopatra that Julius Caesar and Mark Anthony are here. Which one is Anthony? I am.
Mister Anthony, I have a problem. I've been going with a girl for eight years and a lady. Just a minute. Just you you got the wrong program. This is a play about Sahara. That's my girl's name. Get out of here. Come on, Anthony. Oh, look. There's Cleopatra's cow lying at anchor. Let's get aboard. Okay. Oh, get off of you fool. Come on, mister Costello. Let's get on with the play. You come here you come here as Mark Anthony, the great lover. Take Elsa Maxwell in your arms and read your line. Okay. Cleopatra, I'll flash the arm together, my proud beauty. Anthony, I am not proud. You're no beauty either. Okay. Never mind.
Take her in your arms. Yes, Anthony. Put your arms around my waist. I'll have to make three trips. There. Now with your arms around me, Anthony, what are you thinking? I'm thinking how wonderful it would be to have this much butter. You should talk. Why don't you take that flower out of your lapel and wear it in your vest? Why should I wear my flower in my vest? Near as a pop. Calm, calm, calm, you two. You're supposed to be in love. Yes, Evelyn. Remember that old adage? All the world loves a lover. Oh, yeah. The one and a half cups is set apart. But mark my sleep. This night was made for love. There are lovers everywhere. Listen to that couple on yonder bench. I'm getting on the ball. You're not gonna treat me like your first six husbands? I only had three husbands. Go on six. Sorry. There you go. Count that midget again.
Come. Come, Mark Anthony. Sit beside me on the throne, and I will let one of my slave girls entertain you. Enter slave. Stop loving me, old queen. Yes, darling. Kindly attend to the wishes of our guests. Oh, Mark Anthony. I am here to serve you. Oh, what can I do for you? Come here and kiss your poor old father. Please, Mark Anthony. The queen will be jealous. Oh, kind sir. Is there, anything I can bring you? You already brought it, babe. Come on here and take your poor old finance. Priscilla, will you leave that girl alone? Yes, Mark Anthony. This is an insult. You are making love to this slave while I am here. Well, what's the offer when you can get some express? Saloni, get out of here. Away. I, Cleopatra, will dance for Mark Anthony.
I will do my famous fan dance. You do a fan dance? Yes. What do I use? Windmill. Let's, let's miss Maxwell do her fan dance for you, please. I'd rather see you do a hula dance. Oh. You would think I could do a hula dance. Oh, you can do a hula survey. All you do is work out on the floor fast, stop quick, and let nature take its course. Gastello, will you stick to the play? Now now comes the big love seat. As the barge floats down the River Nile under the Egyptian moonlight, miss Maxwell is sitting on your lap. Oh, goody. Goody. Well, Costello, here I am on your lap. Costello, speak to me. Where are you? I'm discreet, but on the chair.
Now is the slave girl sprinkle roses around your feet. You take miss Maxwell in your arm, mind you, in your arm, and you kiss her. I can't do that rabbit. Miss Maxwell and I, we can be nothing but friends. Oh, please. Please, Godzilla. Don't say that. Call me anything but just a friend. I'm afraid I can. That's it. You're just a friend. Here. I'll put my arms around you. Now am I just a friend? Yes. You're just a friend. I'll put my cheek against you. Now what do you want to call me? You're just a friend. Then I will kiss you.
Now am I just a friend? I won't tell you till you let me up. Well, after that kiss, I can't call you friend. Not after a kiss like that. Then what will you call me? Grandma. Grandma. Judy was boring. Hello. Then Judy discovered chumbacasino.com. It's my little escape. Now Judy's the life of the party. Oh, baby. Mama's bringing home the bacon. Woah. Take it easy, Judy. The Chumba Life is for everybody. So go to Chumbacasino.com and play over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumbacasino.com.
By law. 18 plus terms and conditions applies. Let's have your details.
Listen up, buttercup. It's time to get off your grab some weights, and get back in shape. But what's gonna be different this time? You're gonna sign up with the BODI app. That's BODI with an I. You know BODI for p 90 x and hundreds of proven programs that get you ripped, And they're all here on the app along with great new programs and all the nutrition and supplements you need to nail your routine. And right now, if you sign up for a one year subscription to BODY, you'll get an instant $30 discount, and the BODY app rocks. Rocks. CNN underscore just rated BODY the best fitness app, so you know it works. Will it be tough? Hell, yeah. But this is the structure you need to get the gains you want, and BODY stands behind your results. If you don't lose five to 10 pounds in your first thirty days, you don't pay. Now here's the deal. The next 500 people who sign up for a year of BODY get an instant $30 off. That saves you 59%, but this is a limited time offer. Just go to bODY.com, get your $30 off, and get started today. That's bodywithani.com.
[00:01:00] Unknown:
Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis, and and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Introducing The Godfather at chompacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champacasino.com. Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VVW group. Way where prohibited by Ma. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. I'm a baby.
Hey, Come on. Come on. Here we are on our second week in New York, and you show up late for the broadcast. Now look, where have you been? Where have you been? No. I've been over at. Put me eight hours to get here on a Greyhound. Now that's ridiculous. Eight hours. Now don't give me any of that. How could it take eight hours to come from Paterson here on a Greyhound? Well, my Greyhound got interested in another Greyhound. Do you realize that Lou, are you paying any attention to me? Yes. Well, good. Well, that's delicious, please. Do you realize we're invited to a big party at Elsa Maxwell's house tonight? Yes. Why aren't you wearing your tuxedo? It's ruined. I was wearing my tuxedo last night and the girl bit me. Where did you bite you? Well, if I was wearing license plates, you would have got the last three numbers. Alright. She's not the clock that's ten ten days. Alright, Bluff. Can you please talk, Seth? Are you taking your girl, lean against her when you see the button? No. No. No. We ain't speaking. Well, now what's the matter with you and Lena again? Well, yesterday she bought some brand new shower curtain and she asked me to hang up on hang them up. And by mistake, I hung them over the front door. Well, that's not so terrible. Oh, no? Last night when she went to take a shower, she slipped off her back robe, pushed aside the curtain, and sits down on the front porch.
Tell me, Godzilla, were you born? What if it was? Wait a minute, I want to ask you. Pardon me. I know that. I want to ask you one really simple question. Were you born were you born, Dopey? I should say not on a self made joke. That's what I I believe it. 08/02. How about hang on. Wait a minute. While I think of it, Lou, I bet you didn't even get any flowers for Elsa Maxwell. Yes, I did. I bought a basic orchid for her hair. An orchid? An orchid for her hair. You dummy orchids are $30 a piece. You could have bought a pair of pants for that. Now wouldn't you look awful silly wearing a pair of pants in her hair? A cold night. You can always put her ears in the pocket.
Never mind me, but why why didn't you get her a a core start? A what? A core start. I don't know her son. I no. No. No. No. No. You dummy. I I'm you don't seem to understand the life. I need some flowers to wear on her dress, you know. Oh, yeah. I bought her a bucket of chameleon. A bucket. A bucket of chameleon? You mean a bouquet, not a bucket. B o u q bucket. Buck alright. Well, I thought What is it? What is it? Bucket or bouquet? Bouquet. But that if you if it'll make you happy, make it a bucket. Alright. I bought a bucket of tomatoes and do they smell beautiful? Why you idiot?
Some idiots have no odor. Well, these do. The bucket I brought him over in had bitten. Now But he's a kid. God, he's just I hope you don't make a fool of me at Elsa Maxwell's party tonight. Do you know there's there's going to be dancing? Oh, dancing. Well, I love dancing. I used to be a lifeguard at the Rosemont dance hall. A a life drive in the dance hall. Yeah. I kept the wolves. I'm getting too close to the wave. Ella. What what kind of dancing do you do? Oh, me? I do the chimney. Miss chimney. Miss chimney has a back number. Oh, I can start my committee, please. Oh, talk to Ed, Gazzella. Do you do you conga? Tonga. Were you ever in a conga line?
I tried to get in a conga line once, but I must have gotten the wrong line. Now what do you mean by that? I never got to dance, but but I came back with an armoire of paper towels. I'd love that to go. And tell us, I can tell that you know absolutely nothing about modern dancing. Hold on. You don't. I said from the failure of dancers, my aunt Minnie, She was that famous balloon dancer on a stage. You tell. One night, a mouse ran across the stage and then Minnie screamed and dropped her balloon. Yeah. What happened? The mouse painted the The mouse oh, I'm not gonna take any any chances. Now before we go to Elsa Maxwell's party tonight, I'm gonna see if you really know how to dance. In other words, I'll give you a lesson. I don't have to give you any lesson. I took classes from Martha Murray. There's only one thing wrong. He taught me the woman's steps. So what's wrong with that? I am the only wallflower in the history of dancing that uses the men's smoking rules. Yeah. Look. Never mind that. Look. I'm gonna teach you how to dance right now. Right here. I am. Yeah. Right here. Now let's say that I'm a beautiful society girl. Now this is my my first party, incidentally. I'm I'm coming out tonight.
Okay. You're the kind that ought to be pushed back in? No. No. Cut that out. I'm a beautiful girl. What's your name? What's the difference? Let's say my name is, Laura Dune. Your name is what? Let's say Laura Dune. Oh, I know you are sister. Nothing, Dune. Alright. Never heard that. Will you please say it, Duney? Wait a minute. Listen to me, please. Now here here I stand. I here I stand already today. Now I'm dressed in a a a strapless evening gown and you asked me to dance. No. I can't dance with a girl with a bad accent. Why not? Why? It always makes you feel like I'm patting a ball man in a head. Never mind that. Now let's stand. Now here we go. Come on. I'll slide, slide, slide, and glide.
My that still looks wonderful. I like the way you dip. Who's dipping my pencil for? Always in this lovely we're dancing past the orchestra. What's the matter? I guess too close to the trombone player. Come in. Come in. Come in. Why is missus Niles? What are you doing in New York? Oh, I got new in from Hollywood. Blue in, hey. How's it coming on you, broom? Hotel, I'll have you go live. When I arrived this morning, they rode out the carpet. Oh, I wish you had been there. Of course. Then they could have rolled out the barrel. Alright. You'll hate it. You don't have to scramble it.
I have no time to argue with you, Cartelo. Oh, I'm dead tired, and my plain fib, I'm good. Busch, you look more like something that's been freed. I'll have you know that I just came to the beauty parlor. What's the matter? This beauty sweet monkey Costello, this beauty treatment cost me $200 and already I've been taken for Lana Turner and Rita Hayworth. You have also been taken for $200. Missus Niles alone. Yes. You little pipsqueak. Another remark like that and I'll kick you out of this studio kitten caboodle. Missus Niles, you may kick my tits, but don't you dare lift your foot to my taboodle.
Go ahead, Costello. Missus Niles, would you go with Costello to, Elsa Maxwell's party tonight, please? Why I wouldn't be seen with this uncouth fat little assassin? I wish you had to say that, missus Niles. We could be very dear friends if you would have faith in me. Have faith in you? Everybody has faith in me. Even my dog has faith in me. Oh, dog face Castello, Please, missus Niles. Where'd you go with Castello? Oh, very well. I'll go with Castello on one condition. I insist that he drive me to the party. Alright. I'll drive to the party, but you have to bring your own harness. I know I've enjoyed talking to my life. Well, Casella, at least I'd try to get you a woman take to the party, didn't I? Try to get me a what? A woman. You want a pet? I I mean, good evening, gentlemen. Stella. Castello, it's a professor Melanet, what what are you doing here? I'll tell you what I'm doing here, Abbott. I just read in this newspaper here that Castello was going to Elsa Maxwell's house party. It's an outrage. I will not tolerate it after all. I have jurisdiction over this. I happen to be miss Maxwell's right hand man. I'm her major domo. You look like her shiny domo.
There you go, Priscilla. Making remarks about my bald head again. I am proud of my bald head. My head looks like a baby. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Like a baby cereal bowl with shredded wheat around the egg. Well, tell me why do you object to Costello going to Elsa Maxwell's party? Why? If Costello would appear that Maxwell's party would be a catastrophe. It would be Heck for the street? No. No. No. No. No. A catastrophe. Cut I'll explain a catastrophe. Costello, suppose your cat had kittens in your hat, what would that be? America. My cat's name is Jake.
Don't worry about Castello at the party, please. I'll take care of him. Alright, Abbot. I warn you, Costello, don't partake of any edibles or viands until the butler announces dinner. Wahoo. The butler. The but look. I'll explain the butler. At your house, how do you know when it's time to eat? Well, my mother takes the iron bars off the dining room door. I hope your wife, mother hating, gonna do the cooking tonight enough for Maxwell. She makes the world's worst pancakes. I never mind about wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't want you to make any more remarks about my wife's pancake. What? In fact, Costello, the next time you mention the word pancake, I wanna take this newspaper and hit you over the head with it. You mean every time I mention the word pancake, say? Cut it off. Cut it off.
I mean, after all, I I I certainly don't like like your wife's, that stuff anyway. You don't like what stuff? I don't like that the the word you want me to say if I say that. What word? What word? Gonna be on the head if I say it. What word? Okay. That hurts. That hurts, Well, I only hit you on the head because you said something you're not supposed to say. Well, I won't say that word no more. What word? Patty cake. You thought I was gonna say pancakes. Never say it again. I won't say the word no more. In fact, you can never eat them again. Pancakes? Mullen Head. What? Down the end of the page. Alright.
Mullen Head. What? I'm not gonna say anymore about your your wife's cooking. That's that's stuff she makes. Why? You know why? Why? I'm gonna tell you why. Why? Because there was a war once. A war? What do you know about the war? Funny about the war. It's got something to do with what you were talking about when you're hitting me on her head. That too? Yes. This war, I was going over. I had to go. And, dad, I was gonna fight for our country over there. And that was right where the bullets were the thickest. Where the bullets were the thickest? Where was that? Underneath the ammunition truck. Now be serious. A firelight come up out of there, and there was a bullet coming right at me. A bullet coming at you and it hit me. A bullet hit you right in the heart. Right in the heart. And before I left home, my father gave me a good book. Yes? And he told me to purify my heart. It's a good book. And you know what saved me from being killed? The good book. Of course. Oh, no. One of your wife's pancakes.
Boys, this is somebody Costello. What a crowd. Hello, boy. Costello. It's Elsa Maxwell. Do you realize that this is the one and only Elsa Maxwell? Yes. Here I am in the flesh. Who is this? If I had give it back, you're crushing it all out of shape. Don't you talk to me that way, you baby bunions. Baby bunions? Yes. You're a little corny. Don't don't mind you, Nelsa. Is there anything we can do to help, entertain your guest tonight? Yes. I'd like to have you boys put on a play. I have a wonderful vehicle for you, mister mister Eddett. And what about a vehicle for me? A vehicle for you, Cassello? How about a garbage truck?
Hey. You know, Abbott, this thing's got better jokes than I got. Help, I have you something in mind for us. I know you have produced some big Broadway shows and Oh, yes. But I've been on the stage. You know, I've also appeared in a few western pictures. In fact, I I played a regular western girl. I shot from the hip. From the way up here? Shut up. I've been listening to Elsie. Oh, that's all right, bud. I think our fellow is only pulling my leg. Oh, yeah. I couldn't even lift it. You know, you know, boys. You know, I've written a little sketch that we can do tonight. It's called Anthony and Cleopatra. It's a lovely play, Gautela. You will be Anthony, and I will be Cleopatra, the violin of a Nile. You sound more like a pogone on a Hudson.
If you don't understand, Gautela, Elsa will be Cleopatra, the most enchanting lady on the Nile. Yes, Gautela. In this play, I am a sorceress. Sorceress? You're a whole set of dishes. What a lovely play, Gautela. I fall madly in love with you. I get you in my clutches. Yes. But you break away. Yes. Again, I get you in my clutches. Yes. And again, you break away. Looks like my brakes are okay, but my clutch is slipping. Cut it out, Costello. Let's get on with the blade. Melonette, will you set the scene? Okay, Abbott. Now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you a drama of Anthony and Cleopatra, starring Elsa Maxwell, Budd Abbot, and Lou Costello entitled, how the terrible slave kills Cleopatra or Costello makes an ass of himself.
As the scene opens, Julius Caesar and Mark Anthony are walking along the banks of the Nile. Julius Caesar's feet. Please. Anthony, isn't this a wonderful country? Yes, Julius. There is no country in the world as beautiful as egg white. Egg white? Wait a minute, Costello. Where do you see egg white on the script? Right here in the script. What do you mean? Egg white. E G Y P T, egg white. Oh, you don't. That's Egypt. That's it. Egypt. Two reasons straight lines, kid. I'll get the last one. Yeah. Quiet. Anthony, we are approaching Cleopatra's camp. Paul, who's always there? God, tell Cleopatra that Julius Caesar and Mark Anthony are here. Which one is Anthony? I am.
Mister Anthony, I have a problem. I've been going with a girl for eight years and a lady. Just a minute. Just you you got the wrong program. This is a play about Sahara. That's my girl's name. Get out of here. Come on, Anthony. Oh, look. There's Cleopatra's cow lying at anchor. Let's get aboard. Okay. Oh, get off of you fool. Come on, mister Costello. Let's get on with the play. You come here you come here as Mark Anthony, the great lover. Take Elsa Maxwell in your arms and read your line. Okay. Cleopatra, I'll flash the arm together, my proud beauty. Anthony, I am not proud. You're no beauty either. Okay. Never mind.
Take her in your arms. Yes, Anthony. Put your arms around my waist. I'll have to make three trips. There. Now with your arms around me, Anthony, what are you thinking? I'm thinking how wonderful it would be to have this much butter. You should talk. Why don't you take that flower out of your lapel and wear it in your vest? Why should I wear my flower in my vest? Near as a pop. Calm, calm, calm, you two. You're supposed to be in love. Yes, Evelyn. Remember that old adage? All the world loves a lover. Oh, yeah. The one and a half cups is set apart. But mark my sleep. This night was made for love. There are lovers everywhere. Listen to that couple on yonder bench. I'm getting on the ball. You're not gonna treat me like your first six husbands? I only had three husbands. Go on six. Sorry. There you go. Count that midget again.
Come. Come, Mark Anthony. Sit beside me on the throne, and I will let one of my slave girls entertain you. Enter slave. Stop loving me, old queen. Yes, darling. Kindly attend to the wishes of our guests. Oh, Mark Anthony. I am here to serve you. Oh, what can I do for you? Come here and kiss your poor old father. Please, Mark Anthony. The queen will be jealous. Oh, kind sir. Is there, anything I can bring you? You already brought it, babe. Come on here and take your poor old finance. Priscilla, will you leave that girl alone? Yes, Mark Anthony. This is an insult. You are making love to this slave while I am here. Well, what's the offer when you can get some express? Saloni, get out of here. Away. I, Cleopatra, will dance for Mark Anthony.
I will do my famous fan dance. You do a fan dance? Yes. What do I use? Windmill. Let's, let's miss Maxwell do her fan dance for you, please. I'd rather see you do a hula dance. Oh. You would think I could do a hula dance. Oh, you can do a hula survey. All you do is work out on the floor fast, stop quick, and let nature take its course. Gastello, will you stick to the play? Now now comes the big love seat. As the barge floats down the River Nile under the Egyptian moonlight, miss Maxwell is sitting on your lap. Oh, goody. Goody. Well, Costello, here I am on your lap. Costello, speak to me. Where are you? I'm discreet, but on the chair.
Now is the slave girl sprinkle roses around your feet. You take miss Maxwell in your arm, mind you, in your arm, and you kiss her. I can't do that rabbit. Miss Maxwell and I, we can be nothing but friends. Oh, please. Please, Godzilla. Don't say that. Call me anything but just a friend. I'm afraid I can. That's it. You're just a friend. Here. I'll put my arms around you. Now am I just a friend? Yes. You're just a friend. I'll put my cheek against you. Now what do you want to call me? You're just a friend. Then I will kiss you.
Now am I just a friend? I won't tell you till you let me up. Well, after that kiss, I can't call you friend. Not after a kiss like that. Then what will you call me? Grandma. Grandma. Judy was boring. Hello. Then Judy discovered chumbacasino.com. It's my little escape. Now Judy's the life of the party. Oh, baby. Mama's bringing home the bacon. Woah. Take it easy, Judy. The Chumba Life is for everybody. So go to Chumbacasino.com and play over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumbacasino.com.
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