In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic skit reminiscent of classic radio shows, featuring a humorous exchange between Abbott and Costello. The duo engages in a series of witty dialogues about football, Thanksgiving, and family antics, showcasing their signature slapstick humor. From exaggerated tales of football prowess to a Thanksgiving without turkey, the episode is filled with laughter and absurdity.
As the episode unfolds, listeners are treated to a playful Thanksgiving-themed play written by Costello, set aboard the Mayflower. The skit humorously reimagines the Pilgrims' arrival in America, complete with misunderstandings about Indian corn and a comedic proposal scene. The episode captures the spirit of classic comedy with its quick wit and timeless humor, making it a delightful listen for fans of vintage radio comedy.
(00:28) Winning Moves and Casino Fun
(01:21) Football Follies and Family Antics
(05:54) Thanksgiving Dinner Dilemmas
(09:01) Romantic Misadventures
(14:24) The Pilgrims' Play: A Historical Comedy
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Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
[00:00:02]
Unknown:
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[00:00:29] Unknown:
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[00:01:22] Unknown:
What's up? What's up tonight? I think the party? I'd say what's up tonight? What I'm going to say, I took my aunt May to the football game at the Coliseum this afternoon. At the end of the first quarter, I talked to me and yelled, whose name? That makes up them as I am. Your aunt Mae doesn't know much about football, does she? Oh, she rooting section is a front end of a pig. Right. She does? He does. Damn it. Right. I wish Ken did. Right. You don't know much about football yourself, do you? Oh, you didn't. You sure see me in college, Abbott. I was a triple foot man. I could run, kick it, pass. Boy, I could really throw it in those days. You're not doing you're not doing so bad tonight, are they? One time I made 30 touchdowns in the last ten seconds of the game. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. How could you make 30 touchdowns in ten seconds? I had to. My mother had a bet on the game.
You know, the quarterback would drop back and then the left guard tackle left end would open up a hole and you the hole big enough you could drive a truck, though. And what did you do? I drove the truck. And once I caught a kickoff and started down the field, there were only 21 men between me and a pole vault. 21 men? Yes. Even my teammates hated me. That's enough, Castell. I don't think you know the first thing about football. Tell me, what is an unbalanced line? Unbalanced line? Yes. Sydney Green Street's built. Furthermore, I don't think you're even at a football game this afternoon. Oh, yes. I was. Doing a half oh, yes. I was. Doing a half time, it's sections of the bleachers where all the coeds were sitting collapsed and I dashed over. Did you run the first aid? Yes, sir. I picked up a cute little blonde and started carrying out with a fellow. I said, here. Give her to me and I said, nothing doing, brother. There's plenty more back there. Go get your own. Oh, get them out of here.
That's a beautiful suit you wear tonight. I like it myself. Look like a reptilian brown. Alright. Never mind that. Look. Where have you been all day, dude? Where have you been all day? Well, I'll tell you. I was helping my aunt make. She may furnish the whole house for Thanksgiving. What kind of furniture did she get? Chairs, tables, and beds? No. No. No. No. No. I mean, what period is the furniture? Louis the fourteenth, colonial, or late French, provincial? It's early army circle. At what? Does uncle Mark like the furniture? Yes. Especially the four poster bed. Last night, he kicked it over the end of the he kicked it right over the end of the four poster bed. Why in the world did he do a thing like that? He dreamed he was playing for Notre Dame and his team needed the extra point. Yeah. Yeah. Uncle Mike is just like you. You're both dopes. Yes, Pat. Michael Mike is no dope, Abbott. He happens to be a very clever inventor. He just invented a new kind of motorcycle that's so fast. Get it. This motorcycle is so fast that you can get on it in in Los Angeles at midnight and be in Cucamonga at 02:00 in the morning.
Is that so? Yeah. But tell me one thing wrong with it. What's that? Who wants to be in Cucamonga at 02:00 in the morning? Well, I just proves proves what I've always said. Your uncle Mike is a shipless local. He gambles away every cent that he gets. Oh, no. He reformed that, but he's never gonna shoot dice or play cards again. Nah. He said that before. I know, but this time a judge said it. Does uncle Mike, still drink as much as Everglue? Now he quits when he's had enough. How can he tell when he's had enough? Well, he sits across the table from Aunt May, and he sits there with a big button and he starts drinking. The minute Aunt May starts looking good to him, he knows he's had enough. Hey, Lou. Does your uncle Mike and Anthony fight as much as they used to? No. But they had an argument yesterday. She crowded them in the pussy and kicked them in the stomach. Kicked them in the stomach? Yeah. But that was his fault. He turned around.
Does your uncle, Mike, does it work for the orange growers, Lou? Oh, yes. Yes. Very important man in the orange business, Abbot. He's the only guy that can tell a California orange from a Florida orange. How does he do it? Well, he cuts an orange in half, holds it over a map of The United States and squeezes it. If it's a California orange, it squirts all over Florida. Not blue. Yes. Did you have a good Thanksgiving dinner? Well, I'll tell you as soon as I get to. Yes. I did. I found it. Yes. But we didn't have any turkey. You didn't have a turkey. Why not? By the time I got to the butchers, all the finance companies were closed. You mean to tell me that the price of turkeys is that high? Oh, the price is high. Yeah. There was one woman in a butcher shop that didn't buy anything and that weighed two pounds.
Never mind that. Did you buy a turkey? I handed the butcher two boxes. What kind of turkey can I buy for that? And he hand me an egg. An egg? Yeah. An egg. Hey. Should I sit on that and pat touch your own turkey? Anything I got? I got a duck. A duck? Where did you eat your Thanksgiving dinner? What was the YWCA? The YWCA, why men aren't allowed in there. I know, but I love to go there. It takes so many of them to throw you up. You wanted to have Thanksgiving dinner with a girl. Why didn't you have a why didn't you make a date with my wife? My wife's twin sister, Ella. Abbot, when I sit down at the table for Thanksgiving, I wanna see a turkey, not a old crow. Ella's a lovely girl. If you wanna make a hit with her, why why don't you buy her a box of candy? You know, she has a sweet tooth. I know. I've seen it.
Too bad. She hasn't got some more to go with. Gentlemen, I've got a few turkeys left over from thanksgiving rush. Would you like to buy one? What kind of turkeys have you got? I've got Texas turkeys and Vermont turkeys. How do you tell them what? Vermont turkeys are still wearing Hoover buttons. I don't think we'd be interested. Turkeys are too high this year. Well, then how about buying a raffle ticket on a great big turkey for a quarter? I'll take two of them. Here's half a buck. Thanks. Here's your tickets for the biggest turkey in town. Hey. Just a minute. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. These aren't tickets for that ticket for turkey? These tickets are for the Abbott and Costello radio show. Do you know of a bigger turkey? I'll break every bone in his body. Where did he go? Right through that door.
He did, Open up that door. Well, the door is open. What are you going to do? What do you want? I just wanted to say goodbye. Pastel, this is James. Thanksgiving Day is nearly over and you didn't even get a turkey. Someday I'll be rich. Someday I'll have plenty of money. And when I do, I'll get a seat on the Chicago Stockyard. Yeah. You mean Stock Exchange? I mean Stockyard. When all that meat comes in, I wanna be there. I said, I'm afraid you'll never have any money. You don't know the value of a dollar. How can I? Every time I learn the value of a dollar, some guy in Washington changes it. Well, happy Thanksgiving, boy. Look, Pastello. It's our secretary. Viola Vaughn.
Viola, you look beautiful. How about you and me stepping out after the show? Oh, tonight? See, I'll be tied up at home tonight. Good. Maybe you'll be more fun that way. I'll come over and I'll die.
[00:09:22] Unknown:
Viola, you must be very busy every time Castillo asks you for a later busy. Well, I am busy. Mondays, I go to gym class. Tuesdays, I play golf. Wednesdays, I go horseback riding. And when I have nothing on, I go swimming.
[00:09:37] Unknown:
You wouldn't pick a better time for it. On second thought, this is Thanksgiving, and I'm kinda hungry for a date. Then why not go out with me? Abacus says she's hungry. She's not starving. Right? Now suppose I did invite you over to my house tonight, Costello. What would you do? Oh, well, we play games. We play like hide and seek, maybe post office. Oh, that's a kid game. Not the way I play it. Alright. Alright. Well, how how do you play hide and seek? Well, first, you count up the tent, then run and hide in the closet. Then I count up the tent and run and I hide in the closet. It's a lot of fun. Wait a minute. Wait. Wait. Wait. Where does the fun come in? We both run for the same class.
[00:10:28] Unknown:
No, Costello. I don't think I'll invite you over. You're too fickle. What do you mean? Well, last week after the rehearsal, you were taking a nap, and I sneaked in and you were dreaming and saying, no, Rita. No, Rita. I won't kiss you. No. No. No.
[00:10:44] Unknown:
For what?
[00:10:45] Unknown:
My name is not Rita.
[00:10:47] Unknown:
What are you kicking about? I said no, didn't I? The old is right. You are fickle. You're always flirting with girls. Last night, I saw you driving down Hollywood Boulevard, and you winked at a girl. I only winked because something got in my eye. And she got in your car too. Well, I'm surprised that you two arguing over girls. Yeah. Right, Milo. They aren't worth it. Women are responsible for a lot of stupid things. You idiot. How did you find yourself a girl and get married? Viola, you're the kind of a girl I'd love to be married to. Why do you wanna marry me? Being married to you would be wonderful. We could have 10 children. 10 children? Yes. And if we like them the second year, we could have 10 more.
[00:11:39] Unknown:
Viola would be silly to marry you. All you do is chase girls. Mister Abbott is right, Costello. I understand that you kiss every blonde in Hollywood. I have not. Well, alright. Name one blonde in Hollywood you haven't kissed. I'll name two.
[00:11:55] Unknown:
Alan Ladd and Ben Johnson. You idiot Alan Latt and Van Johnson wouldn't kiss you. They wouldn't? No. They wouldn't. Okay. I'll stretch their names out of my book. Steve, Iola, I was right. Costello is not the guy for you. He's he has no brains. He has no looks, and he has no money. I'm beginning to think you're right. Just a minute. Now listen here, rabbit. If you don't stop crabbing me with girls, I'm gonna hide your corkscrew. Screw. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No And my number was 118964326592.
And and and the fellow standing right next to me, he had number 118964326591. So he said to me, I'll trade you my number 118964336591 Yes. Or your number 11896436592. So? So I traded him my number, 118964326591, for his number, 113964326592. Well, who won the turkey? One of the vice presidents would take a number three. But I don't care, rabbit. I don't like turkeys anyway. If all the turkeys in the world were laid end to end, that's the part I would get. Well, you know, Lou, my wife is crazy about turkey. Today when she sat down at the table, she had a turkey neck. Why don't she wear a muffler? Nobody would notice it.
What's that roll of paper under your arm? That's a Thanksgiving play we're gonna do for the people tonight, and I wrote it myself. Oh, what what's the name of your play? I call it the brave little band of pilgrims who landed on Honest John's Rock. Yeah. Tell me that's Plymouth Rock. How do you like that? Even in those days, Honest John was the only one that could get a Plymouth. Never mind that. Let's get along with the play. And now for our hero Lou Costello's play, we take you back to the year 1620 where we find a brave little band of adventurers aboard the good ship Mayflower.
The brave captain has eaten nothing but fish, nothing but fish for ninety days, but that doesn't faze him. Let's listen to this fish phase. First mate, John Alden Costello, where are you? Here I am, Captain Miles, Stanislav. We've had we've had some pretty tough weather. How's the ship holding up? I have a report on the Mizzomast. What about the Mizzomast? Been missing for three days. There's a note stuck to that dagger. Uh-huh. Mutiny among the men. Read this note, first mate John Alden Costello. First mate is a dirty land lover, and he should drop dead. Which one of you swab, Ruben?
I did, sir. Give that man 20 lashes and a box of snicker. Find out with Lou. We put the whole crew on bread and water. Why pamper them? Better meet the regular food. Captain Miles Stanich Abbott, we think you made a mistake. When we left England, I think you forgot to untie the boat from the dock. What makes you say that? Just look behind us. We're in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and people are still waving goodbye to us. Look, John Alden Costello has landed ahead. We should be proud that Mayflower has broken all records for the Atlantic crossing. Yes. We beat the Queen Elizabeth by three twenty six years. Thank Columbus for showing us the way he marked the route. That's funny.
I didn't see a Burma shape sign all the way across. John Oden Castello, Watch where you're steering the boat. Don't worry, Captain Miles, Stanislavitt. I know every reef along this coast. There's one now. You idiot. That's the shore. Quick, drop the anchor. Aye, aye, sir. Here she goes. John Oliver and Cattell, what are you doing down there in the water? He asked me for one of Jesse's saw, man. He just got soaked. What are you doing down there in the water? I forgot to let go of the anchor. So the little boat Mayflower made the crossing. The shore was deserted. No Indian came down to greet them. It was 07:00 on a Sunday night. All the Indians were home in their wigwams.
Listen. They're all trying to guess the mystery tune on stop the tom time. First mate John Alden Costello drops the gangplank, and down the runway comes the beautiful Priscilla.
[00:17:52] Unknown:
John Oden Costello, honeybun. Just think of it. You and I are the first people to set foot on this new land. This virgin territory belongs to no one. It's still in my love.
[00:18:03] Unknown:
Are you sure this land belongs to no one? Look what it says on that rock. What? Los Angeles city limits. I know from Costello. Our people are sobbing. We must go into the woods and get food for our little band of pilgrims. Look over there, rabbit. There's a field of corn. That's Indian corn. That's maize. Do you think may would mind if we take a little? What are you talking about? You just said the corn belong to me. I did not. I said the corn was maize. Then it's May's corn. That's right. What's wrong with finding May and asking for some of her corn? I didn't I didn't say the the corn belonged to me. Merrily said the corn was made. How do you like that? Here it is. The year is 1620, and this guy is starting a routine. Stella Mayzes Indian corn. The Indians grind their own corn. Those Indians are smart. We pay riders to grind ours.
Here comes an Indian. I'll be friendly and say hello to him. How do you say hello to an Indian? How? I asked you first. I just told you. Told me what? How? If I knew how, I wouldn't be asking you. What's the best? How? Now you've got it. Got it. Now I'm really mixed up. Stella, we be after ourselves. Look. There's a note tied on that arrow. Then are you slowly losing your hair? Chief chief Tomahawk can lose it all at once. That's how it comes in an interview, and he has his hand raised. Say something to him. Chief, you can go now.
Me, scout. Me, chief, chief underwear. Why did they call you chief chief underwear? Me creep up on you. Step him aside and make way for big chief. That must have been a super chief. Watch some language, pale face. Meet him big chief running water. He looks like a big drip. Keith, meet my friend John Alden Costello. Are you gay? Are you gay? Yeah, but we gotta get better actors. Some of you are reading that wrong. That's Oh, oh, listen, Tubby, I've got as much right to play an Indian as you have to play John Alden. Oh, yeah? I'll have you know that my quick grandfather goes back to Martha Washington. He does? Yes. Course, he only goes back there when George isn't home. Oh, who cares about that? I've got troubles of my own. But only this morning, I was sending up some smoke signals for my sweetheart, Pocahontas.
And what happened? Her father came along and put out my fire. Well, I've got to go now. And as we say in Indian, you, pa, da, umsted, a heart to you. And your father's busted tomahawk for you too. John Holden, Castell, I haven't the courage to propose to the fair Priscilla. You as my best friend must do it for me. And you want me to make love to the fair Priscilla for you? Yes. He doesn't know me very well, does he, folks? Go into Priscilla's cabin, John Alden Costello. Propose to her propose to her for me. Tell her tell her I'm a soldier. And if she refuses me, I'll go back to the model. You mean you'll go back to the battle? You go back to what you like, and I'll go back to what I like.
No. Go ahead.
[00:21:47] Unknown:
Donald, it's Priscilla, my little bumpy Boston based me.
[00:21:53] Unknown:
Ah, Priscilla, my little tomato. Smother me with the ketchup of your kisses. When I'm close to you like this, something cold seems to spread all over me. Good day. Yes. You dropped your popsicle down the back of my neck. Pray tell me, why have you come here? We proposed to you for my dear friend Miles Stennis Abbott, the poor broken down guy. He couldn't come himself. He's all shot. He's practically falling apart. He can't even read a straight line anymore. He's got really attractive. Priscilla Mizeau, Not used to straight lines either. Priscilla, my love.
You couldn't go for him, could you? Are you proposing for him? Sure. It must be wonderful to have a true devoted friend like you. My old Stanislav had another friend like me. He wouldn't need any enemies.
[00:22:59] Unknown:
Why don't you speak for yourself, John Allen, Costello, honey?
[00:23:03] Unknown:
I'd love to marry you, Priscilla, but I can't. I'm already married. Hello? We're doing a story from history, and the history books say that John Holden was a bachelor. That was before the historians found out about John's
[00:23:20] Unknown:
other wife.
[00:23:34] Unknown:
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[00:24:05] Unknown:
Wings are here. Oh, from No. I'd never order from anymore. Popeye's now has wings in five flavors. Ghost pepper, roasted garlic Parmesan, sweet and spicy, signature hot, and honey barbecue, marinated in Louisiana spices, hand battered and flipped. Makes no sense. They're $5.99 for six pieces. Taste them. Crunchy outside. And juicy inside. Consider me a convert. That's the most romantic thing you've said to me all month. We don't make sense. We make chicken. Love that chicken from pot wise. Price may vary.
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[00:00:29] Unknown:
It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chumba Casino. At chumbacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
[00:01:22] Unknown:
What's up? What's up tonight? I think the party? I'd say what's up tonight? What I'm going to say, I took my aunt May to the football game at the Coliseum this afternoon. At the end of the first quarter, I talked to me and yelled, whose name? That makes up them as I am. Your aunt Mae doesn't know much about football, does she? Oh, she rooting section is a front end of a pig. Right. She does? He does. Damn it. Right. I wish Ken did. Right. You don't know much about football yourself, do you? Oh, you didn't. You sure see me in college, Abbott. I was a triple foot man. I could run, kick it, pass. Boy, I could really throw it in those days. You're not doing you're not doing so bad tonight, are they? One time I made 30 touchdowns in the last ten seconds of the game. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. How could you make 30 touchdowns in ten seconds? I had to. My mother had a bet on the game.
You know, the quarterback would drop back and then the left guard tackle left end would open up a hole and you the hole big enough you could drive a truck, though. And what did you do? I drove the truck. And once I caught a kickoff and started down the field, there were only 21 men between me and a pole vault. 21 men? Yes. Even my teammates hated me. That's enough, Castell. I don't think you know the first thing about football. Tell me, what is an unbalanced line? Unbalanced line? Yes. Sydney Green Street's built. Furthermore, I don't think you're even at a football game this afternoon. Oh, yes. I was. Doing a half oh, yes. I was. Doing a half time, it's sections of the bleachers where all the coeds were sitting collapsed and I dashed over. Did you run the first aid? Yes, sir. I picked up a cute little blonde and started carrying out with a fellow. I said, here. Give her to me and I said, nothing doing, brother. There's plenty more back there. Go get your own. Oh, get them out of here.
That's a beautiful suit you wear tonight. I like it myself. Look like a reptilian brown. Alright. Never mind that. Look. Where have you been all day, dude? Where have you been all day? Well, I'll tell you. I was helping my aunt make. She may furnish the whole house for Thanksgiving. What kind of furniture did she get? Chairs, tables, and beds? No. No. No. No. No. I mean, what period is the furniture? Louis the fourteenth, colonial, or late French, provincial? It's early army circle. At what? Does uncle Mark like the furniture? Yes. Especially the four poster bed. Last night, he kicked it over the end of the he kicked it right over the end of the four poster bed. Why in the world did he do a thing like that? He dreamed he was playing for Notre Dame and his team needed the extra point. Yeah. Yeah. Uncle Mike is just like you. You're both dopes. Yes, Pat. Michael Mike is no dope, Abbott. He happens to be a very clever inventor. He just invented a new kind of motorcycle that's so fast. Get it. This motorcycle is so fast that you can get on it in in Los Angeles at midnight and be in Cucamonga at 02:00 in the morning.
Is that so? Yeah. But tell me one thing wrong with it. What's that? Who wants to be in Cucamonga at 02:00 in the morning? Well, I just proves proves what I've always said. Your uncle Mike is a shipless local. He gambles away every cent that he gets. Oh, no. He reformed that, but he's never gonna shoot dice or play cards again. Nah. He said that before. I know, but this time a judge said it. Does uncle Mike, still drink as much as Everglue? Now he quits when he's had enough. How can he tell when he's had enough? Well, he sits across the table from Aunt May, and he sits there with a big button and he starts drinking. The minute Aunt May starts looking good to him, he knows he's had enough. Hey, Lou. Does your uncle Mike and Anthony fight as much as they used to? No. But they had an argument yesterday. She crowded them in the pussy and kicked them in the stomach. Kicked them in the stomach? Yeah. But that was his fault. He turned around.
Does your uncle, Mike, does it work for the orange growers, Lou? Oh, yes. Yes. Very important man in the orange business, Abbot. He's the only guy that can tell a California orange from a Florida orange. How does he do it? Well, he cuts an orange in half, holds it over a map of The United States and squeezes it. If it's a California orange, it squirts all over Florida. Not blue. Yes. Did you have a good Thanksgiving dinner? Well, I'll tell you as soon as I get to. Yes. I did. I found it. Yes. But we didn't have any turkey. You didn't have a turkey. Why not? By the time I got to the butchers, all the finance companies were closed. You mean to tell me that the price of turkeys is that high? Oh, the price is high. Yeah. There was one woman in a butcher shop that didn't buy anything and that weighed two pounds.
Never mind that. Did you buy a turkey? I handed the butcher two boxes. What kind of turkey can I buy for that? And he hand me an egg. An egg? Yeah. An egg. Hey. Should I sit on that and pat touch your own turkey? Anything I got? I got a duck. A duck? Where did you eat your Thanksgiving dinner? What was the YWCA? The YWCA, why men aren't allowed in there. I know, but I love to go there. It takes so many of them to throw you up. You wanted to have Thanksgiving dinner with a girl. Why didn't you have a why didn't you make a date with my wife? My wife's twin sister, Ella. Abbot, when I sit down at the table for Thanksgiving, I wanna see a turkey, not a old crow. Ella's a lovely girl. If you wanna make a hit with her, why why don't you buy her a box of candy? You know, she has a sweet tooth. I know. I've seen it.
Too bad. She hasn't got some more to go with. Gentlemen, I've got a few turkeys left over from thanksgiving rush. Would you like to buy one? What kind of turkeys have you got? I've got Texas turkeys and Vermont turkeys. How do you tell them what? Vermont turkeys are still wearing Hoover buttons. I don't think we'd be interested. Turkeys are too high this year. Well, then how about buying a raffle ticket on a great big turkey for a quarter? I'll take two of them. Here's half a buck. Thanks. Here's your tickets for the biggest turkey in town. Hey. Just a minute. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. These aren't tickets for that ticket for turkey? These tickets are for the Abbott and Costello radio show. Do you know of a bigger turkey? I'll break every bone in his body. Where did he go? Right through that door.
He did, Open up that door. Well, the door is open. What are you going to do? What do you want? I just wanted to say goodbye. Pastel, this is James. Thanksgiving Day is nearly over and you didn't even get a turkey. Someday I'll be rich. Someday I'll have plenty of money. And when I do, I'll get a seat on the Chicago Stockyard. Yeah. You mean Stock Exchange? I mean Stockyard. When all that meat comes in, I wanna be there. I said, I'm afraid you'll never have any money. You don't know the value of a dollar. How can I? Every time I learn the value of a dollar, some guy in Washington changes it. Well, happy Thanksgiving, boy. Look, Pastello. It's our secretary. Viola Vaughn.
Viola, you look beautiful. How about you and me stepping out after the show? Oh, tonight? See, I'll be tied up at home tonight. Good. Maybe you'll be more fun that way. I'll come over and I'll die.
[00:09:22] Unknown:
Viola, you must be very busy every time Castillo asks you for a later busy. Well, I am busy. Mondays, I go to gym class. Tuesdays, I play golf. Wednesdays, I go horseback riding. And when I have nothing on, I go swimming.
[00:09:37] Unknown:
You wouldn't pick a better time for it. On second thought, this is Thanksgiving, and I'm kinda hungry for a date. Then why not go out with me? Abacus says she's hungry. She's not starving. Right? Now suppose I did invite you over to my house tonight, Costello. What would you do? Oh, well, we play games. We play like hide and seek, maybe post office. Oh, that's a kid game. Not the way I play it. Alright. Alright. Well, how how do you play hide and seek? Well, first, you count up the tent, then run and hide in the closet. Then I count up the tent and run and I hide in the closet. It's a lot of fun. Wait a minute. Wait. Wait. Wait. Where does the fun come in? We both run for the same class.
[00:10:28] Unknown:
No, Costello. I don't think I'll invite you over. You're too fickle. What do you mean? Well, last week after the rehearsal, you were taking a nap, and I sneaked in and you were dreaming and saying, no, Rita. No, Rita. I won't kiss you. No. No. No.
[00:10:44] Unknown:
For what?
[00:10:45] Unknown:
My name is not Rita.
[00:10:47] Unknown:
What are you kicking about? I said no, didn't I? The old is right. You are fickle. You're always flirting with girls. Last night, I saw you driving down Hollywood Boulevard, and you winked at a girl. I only winked because something got in my eye. And she got in your car too. Well, I'm surprised that you two arguing over girls. Yeah. Right, Milo. They aren't worth it. Women are responsible for a lot of stupid things. You idiot. How did you find yourself a girl and get married? Viola, you're the kind of a girl I'd love to be married to. Why do you wanna marry me? Being married to you would be wonderful. We could have 10 children. 10 children? Yes. And if we like them the second year, we could have 10 more.
[00:11:39] Unknown:
Viola would be silly to marry you. All you do is chase girls. Mister Abbott is right, Costello. I understand that you kiss every blonde in Hollywood. I have not. Well, alright. Name one blonde in Hollywood you haven't kissed. I'll name two.
[00:11:55] Unknown:
Alan Ladd and Ben Johnson. You idiot Alan Latt and Van Johnson wouldn't kiss you. They wouldn't? No. They wouldn't. Okay. I'll stretch their names out of my book. Steve, Iola, I was right. Costello is not the guy for you. He's he has no brains. He has no looks, and he has no money. I'm beginning to think you're right. Just a minute. Now listen here, rabbit. If you don't stop crabbing me with girls, I'm gonna hide your corkscrew. Screw. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No And my number was 118964326592.
And and and the fellow standing right next to me, he had number 118964326591. So he said to me, I'll trade you my number 118964336591 Yes. Or your number 11896436592. So? So I traded him my number, 118964326591, for his number, 113964326592. Well, who won the turkey? One of the vice presidents would take a number three. But I don't care, rabbit. I don't like turkeys anyway. If all the turkeys in the world were laid end to end, that's the part I would get. Well, you know, Lou, my wife is crazy about turkey. Today when she sat down at the table, she had a turkey neck. Why don't she wear a muffler? Nobody would notice it.
What's that roll of paper under your arm? That's a Thanksgiving play we're gonna do for the people tonight, and I wrote it myself. Oh, what what's the name of your play? I call it the brave little band of pilgrims who landed on Honest John's Rock. Yeah. Tell me that's Plymouth Rock. How do you like that? Even in those days, Honest John was the only one that could get a Plymouth. Never mind that. Let's get along with the play. And now for our hero Lou Costello's play, we take you back to the year 1620 where we find a brave little band of adventurers aboard the good ship Mayflower.
The brave captain has eaten nothing but fish, nothing but fish for ninety days, but that doesn't faze him. Let's listen to this fish phase. First mate, John Alden Costello, where are you? Here I am, Captain Miles, Stanislav. We've had we've had some pretty tough weather. How's the ship holding up? I have a report on the Mizzomast. What about the Mizzomast? Been missing for three days. There's a note stuck to that dagger. Uh-huh. Mutiny among the men. Read this note, first mate John Alden Costello. First mate is a dirty land lover, and he should drop dead. Which one of you swab, Ruben?
I did, sir. Give that man 20 lashes and a box of snicker. Find out with Lou. We put the whole crew on bread and water. Why pamper them? Better meet the regular food. Captain Miles Stanich Abbott, we think you made a mistake. When we left England, I think you forgot to untie the boat from the dock. What makes you say that? Just look behind us. We're in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and people are still waving goodbye to us. Look, John Alden Costello has landed ahead. We should be proud that Mayflower has broken all records for the Atlantic crossing. Yes. We beat the Queen Elizabeth by three twenty six years. Thank Columbus for showing us the way he marked the route. That's funny.
I didn't see a Burma shape sign all the way across. John Oden Castello, Watch where you're steering the boat. Don't worry, Captain Miles, Stanislavitt. I know every reef along this coast. There's one now. You idiot. That's the shore. Quick, drop the anchor. Aye, aye, sir. Here she goes. John Oliver and Cattell, what are you doing down there in the water? He asked me for one of Jesse's saw, man. He just got soaked. What are you doing down there in the water? I forgot to let go of the anchor. So the little boat Mayflower made the crossing. The shore was deserted. No Indian came down to greet them. It was 07:00 on a Sunday night. All the Indians were home in their wigwams.
Listen. They're all trying to guess the mystery tune on stop the tom time. First mate John Alden Costello drops the gangplank, and down the runway comes the beautiful Priscilla.
[00:17:52] Unknown:
John Oden Costello, honeybun. Just think of it. You and I are the first people to set foot on this new land. This virgin territory belongs to no one. It's still in my love.
[00:18:03] Unknown:
Are you sure this land belongs to no one? Look what it says on that rock. What? Los Angeles city limits. I know from Costello. Our people are sobbing. We must go into the woods and get food for our little band of pilgrims. Look over there, rabbit. There's a field of corn. That's Indian corn. That's maize. Do you think may would mind if we take a little? What are you talking about? You just said the corn belong to me. I did not. I said the corn was maize. Then it's May's corn. That's right. What's wrong with finding May and asking for some of her corn? I didn't I didn't say the the corn belonged to me. Merrily said the corn was made. How do you like that? Here it is. The year is 1620, and this guy is starting a routine. Stella Mayzes Indian corn. The Indians grind their own corn. Those Indians are smart. We pay riders to grind ours.
Here comes an Indian. I'll be friendly and say hello to him. How do you say hello to an Indian? How? I asked you first. I just told you. Told me what? How? If I knew how, I wouldn't be asking you. What's the best? How? Now you've got it. Got it. Now I'm really mixed up. Stella, we be after ourselves. Look. There's a note tied on that arrow. Then are you slowly losing your hair? Chief chief Tomahawk can lose it all at once. That's how it comes in an interview, and he has his hand raised. Say something to him. Chief, you can go now.
Me, scout. Me, chief, chief underwear. Why did they call you chief chief underwear? Me creep up on you. Step him aside and make way for big chief. That must have been a super chief. Watch some language, pale face. Meet him big chief running water. He looks like a big drip. Keith, meet my friend John Alden Costello. Are you gay? Are you gay? Yeah, but we gotta get better actors. Some of you are reading that wrong. That's Oh, oh, listen, Tubby, I've got as much right to play an Indian as you have to play John Alden. Oh, yeah? I'll have you know that my quick grandfather goes back to Martha Washington. He does? Yes. Course, he only goes back there when George isn't home. Oh, who cares about that? I've got troubles of my own. But only this morning, I was sending up some smoke signals for my sweetheart, Pocahontas.
And what happened? Her father came along and put out my fire. Well, I've got to go now. And as we say in Indian, you, pa, da, umsted, a heart to you. And your father's busted tomahawk for you too. John Holden, Castell, I haven't the courage to propose to the fair Priscilla. You as my best friend must do it for me. And you want me to make love to the fair Priscilla for you? Yes. He doesn't know me very well, does he, folks? Go into Priscilla's cabin, John Alden Costello. Propose to her propose to her for me. Tell her tell her I'm a soldier. And if she refuses me, I'll go back to the model. You mean you'll go back to the battle? You go back to what you like, and I'll go back to what I like.
No. Go ahead.
[00:21:47] Unknown:
Donald, it's Priscilla, my little bumpy Boston based me.
[00:21:53] Unknown:
Ah, Priscilla, my little tomato. Smother me with the ketchup of your kisses. When I'm close to you like this, something cold seems to spread all over me. Good day. Yes. You dropped your popsicle down the back of my neck. Pray tell me, why have you come here? We proposed to you for my dear friend Miles Stennis Abbott, the poor broken down guy. He couldn't come himself. He's all shot. He's practically falling apart. He can't even read a straight line anymore. He's got really attractive. Priscilla Mizeau, Not used to straight lines either. Priscilla, my love.
You couldn't go for him, could you? Are you proposing for him? Sure. It must be wonderful to have a true devoted friend like you. My old Stanislav had another friend like me. He wouldn't need any enemies.
[00:22:59] Unknown:
Why don't you speak for yourself, John Allen, Costello, honey?
[00:23:03] Unknown:
I'd love to marry you, Priscilla, but I can't. I'm already married. Hello? We're doing a story from history, and the history books say that John Holden was a bachelor. That was before the historians found out about John's
[00:23:20] Unknown:
other wife.
[00:23:34] Unknown:
Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chamba Casino. They have hundreds of social casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at ChumbaCasino.com. No purchase necessary. Wait. Wherever, hit by law. See terms and conditions. 18 plus.
[00:24:05] Unknown:
Wings are here. Oh, from No. I'd never order from anymore. Popeye's now has wings in five flavors. Ghost pepper, roasted garlic Parmesan, sweet and spicy, signature hot, and honey barbecue, marinated in Louisiana spices, hand battered and flipped. Makes no sense. They're $5.99 for six pieces. Taste them. Crunchy outside. And juicy inside. Consider me a convert. That's the most romantic thing you've said to me all month. We don't make sense. We make chicken. Love that chicken from pot wise. Price may vary.
