In this lively episode, Ryan introduces listeners to the world of Chumba Casino, a platform offering a variety of social casino-style games that can be played for free, anytime and anywhere. With daily bonuses, Chumba Casino aims to add a bright spot to your day, making mundane tasks like sitting in traffic or doing the dishes a little more enjoyable. Ryan also highlights a special feature, "The Godfather" slot game, inviting players to test their luck in a world of power, loyalty, and family intrigue.
Meanwhile, the comedic duo Abbott and Costello bring their classic humor to a pet shop setting, where Costello's antics with various animals, including a "genuine airplane dog" and a "Doberman Pinscher," lead to a series of humorous misunderstandings and wordplay. The episode takes listeners through a series of comedic sketches involving pet shop mishaps, a marriage license mix-up, and a spooky adventure in a haunted house, all culminating in a hilarious revelation involving Ken Niles and his wife's dog.
(00:00) Introduction to Chumba Casino
(01:05) Costello's Pet Shop Antics
(07:51) Customer Encounters and Comedic Exchanges
(12:54) Mrs. Niles and the Doberman Dilemma
(17:17) The Search for Tallulah
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Hello. It is Ryan, and we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses. That should brighten your day low. Actually, a lot. So sign up now at ChumbaCasino.com. That's ChumbaCasino.com.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. DGW. Point. Verify loss. Terms and conditions, 18 plus. Step into the world of power, loyalty,
[00:00:34] Unknown:
and luck I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family
[00:00:39] Unknown:
cannolis, and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Introducing The Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champacasino.com.
[00:00:59] Unknown:
Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW Group. We were prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply.
[00:01:05] Unknown:
Pastela. Pastela, what's going on there? What's the idea of bringing that dog in here? Where'd you get him?
[00:01:10] Unknown:
I say, where'd you get that dog? Do I bring him in here?
[00:01:14] Unknown:
Oh, I found him, Abbot.
[00:01:16] Unknown:
Costello, do you realize we're running a first class pet shop now? Get that dog out of here. Oh, no. I bet I'm gonna keep this dog. He's a genuine airplane dog. An airplane dog? Yeah. Just for those tailspin.
[00:01:27] Unknown:
Oh, snap. Catella, where'd you get that broken down flea hound? Abbot, how do you call this little dog a flea hound? He just took first prize at the cat show. Oh, wait a minute. How could he take first prize at the cat show? He took the cat. He took Stella, you take that dog right out of here now. Remember that. We don't want any mongrels in here with our other animals. Abbot, don't make me chase this little dog away. He's taking the place of my other dog that died. His name was Corset. Corset? Mhmm. Corset? How did you happen to name the dog Corset? Because we tied him up in the daytime, and we let him out at night. Dog.
I remember that dog you had, Costelli. He was a duck's son. Yeah. Wasn't he? Yeah. One of those long dogs. How did he happen to die? It's a sad tale, Abbott. What do you mean? He met his end going around a tree. Going around?
[00:02:16] Unknown:
Well, I'd be ashamed
[00:02:21] Unknown:
I'd be ashamed to go anywhere with that mutt. Oh, no, Abbott. Oh, yes. This dog has class. He goes everywhere. He was at the UNO conference. He likes to hang around the big tree. Uh-oh. These are the scams and dogs. Now stop the food. Can you please? No. No more nonsense, Scottsdale. Take it easy. Hang on, Savage. He's a very smart dog. I'll prove it to you. Susie, how much is one on one? That's right. Ain't it, Abbot? How did you know? Now, Susie, how much is two and two? Come on. Come on, Susie. Two and two is five. Come on, Georgie. That's better.
Now, Susie, for the final test, tell him what time it is? Quarter the seventh. Wait a minute, Robert. Tell me what. What kind of a dog is that? Do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart? Yes. This is his brother. Weak stomach fight. Now, furthermore, rabbit, This is the kindest dog in the whole world. Notice how he's got his tail curled up? What's he doing that for? He lets the fleas loop the loop.
[00:03:34] Unknown:
Look, Costello. Don't bring any more broken down animals, sweetie. Are you listening to me? I don't want you to bring any more broken down animals into this pet shop. Now get busy around here. Now oh, answer that phone.
[00:03:45] Unknown:
Hammitt Costello's pet shop. Mister Costello, do you have a Greyhound? Yes. I do. Why don't you get on it and get out of town? You know, that was a peachy joke. I'll pull it out of it. Hey, Evan. Do you have a Greyhound? No. But I have a setter. You'll never get out of town that way.
[00:04:08] Unknown:
Oh, look. Look. Look. Lou, will you please stop this nonsense and get busy and clean up this pet shop before a customer comes in? By the way, what did you do with those, newborn puppies? I put them in a dog incubator.
[00:04:19] Unknown:
Nope. We have no dog incubator. What's that can in the backyard that takes deposit litter here? Yep. That's a long one.
[00:04:29] Unknown:
Yeah. Dummy, those little puppies will catch cold in the backyard. One of the puppies has a cold already. Oh, then I want you to take that cold parlor and and put it in that long rubber tube. Place one in the tube in your mouth and one into the dog's mouth.
[00:04:42] Unknown:
Do you understand that? Yeah. And blow. That's no good. I always tried it. What? What happened? The dog blew first.
[00:04:49] Unknown:
Oh, boy. Wait a minute. Hello? Abbott and Costello sweatshop. Who? Missus Pike? Yes. Yes. I'll send Costello over. What kind of a dog have you? Oh, a peeked in these. Okay, missus Pike. Costello, I want you to go over and get a peek at missus Pike.
[00:05:13] Unknown:
Get a peek at missus Pike? Yes. Why can't I take a good look?
[00:05:18] Unknown:
Listen, you dummy. I want you to go after Pike's Peak. What do you think I am? A mountain goat?
[00:05:25] Unknown:
Indian, I want you to go to missus Pike's house for a peeking knee. Habit, how dare you suggest such a thing? I might glance at her ankles, but I would never peek at her knees. Where do you go? I gotta finish I gotta finish washing this dog. What dog? You know, that little white dog that, that there that one that, Spitz? No. But he drools a little. I know.
[00:05:48] Unknown:
Never mind that customer. I have to come back for missus Pikes. I want you to take care of missus, Murphy's chow. A what? Her chow. How is missus Murphy's chow? I don't know. I never ate at her house. No, Pastel. You're thinking of the chow you chew. A what?
[00:06:01] Unknown:
You chew. You chew. You chew. You chew. You chew. Go sit tight. You said hey. You catch your call, Adam. I better get that poo but put it in your mouth. Oh, why did I ever go into business with you? You haven't done a thing in this pet shop since the day we opened it. Oh, no. This morning, I put a cage in the front window, and it's attracting more customers than anything you've done around the place. Put a cage in the front window? What's in it? What's in it? Come here. I'll show you. Don't load it up. Listen. I love you.
[00:06:26] Unknown:
I love you. I love you. I love you.
[00:06:31] Unknown:
What in the what in the world is that? Two porcupines, necking.
[00:06:45] Unknown:
Quiet, Rover. Quiet fight. Oh, Costello. Costello, come here. Get busy now and take inventory of our animals here in the pet shop. Okay. I'll count them.
[00:06:56] Unknown:
Four dogs. Three cats. Rabbit.
[00:07:08] Unknown:
Pastello. You didn't count that little rabbit in the corner. He wasn't there when I started counting. Oh, yes.
[00:07:14] Unknown:
Blood. Blood. Never said blood. Down in the blood. I gotta have blood. Are you kidding? Who are you? Oh, just an old bloodhound. Hello? Evan Costello Pitcher? Do you have a giraffe in your pet shop? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Well, send it right over. I'm in the mood for a long neck. That's it. So that, and I'm going home. What are you going home for? To get a laugh. I haven't had one in two lines. Okay. Thank you. Would you stop this, Costello? Wait on that man that just came in. Yes, sir. Okay. How do you do? What can I do for you? Buddy, I'd like to buy a canary. A canary. A canary? No, a parrot.
I think you're giving me the bird. Look, I want to buy a parrot that talks and talks and talks for twenty four hours a day. And when he gets tired of talking, I want him to scream at the top of his voice and call me all the names you can think of. Why do you wanna with a parrot like that? Well, my wife's gone away, and I'm lonesome.
[00:08:28] Unknown:
Well, we'll deliver the parrot in the morning. Now can we call you a taxi? Oh, no. Thanks, buddy.
[00:08:34] Unknown:
I'll ride my pink elephant home. I'll run and jump on his back. Here I go. Miss him every time. Oh, forget him. Get busy, Costello.
[00:08:59] Unknown:
Costello. Do you hear me? Mhmm. What are you standing there looking in that cage for? Gee. This is cute, Abbot. What do you mean? Four little skunks are playing bridge. Four little skunks are playing bridge. Yeah. They're playing for a tenth of a cent. Hey, Castella. Look who's coming in the door.
[00:09:19] Unknown:
Why it's Bessie.
[00:09:21] Unknown:
Hello, Bessie. Hello, boy. I came in to buy a young wire haired doogie.
[00:09:26] Unknown:
A young wire haired doogie?
[00:09:29] Unknown:
I bet you know what a doogie is. That's a young poopy. A poopy poopy.
[00:09:37] Unknown:
I'd like to get a playmate for the little doogie. Would you suggest a Siamese cock?
[00:09:43] Unknown:
No. Doogies don't like cocks. Why don't you get a guinea poo or some little white mice? I'll send my boozler over for the doogie in a topsy cove. Don't bother, miss Butchoo. I'll bring it over myself on the soon set booze.
[00:09:59] Unknown:
Oh, thank you very much. And a buenos notice to you. And a pair of snowshoes to you too. Oh oh, I sorry. I ran into you, sir. That's alright, Lucy. The pleasure was all mine.
[00:10:12] Unknown:
Goodbye. Goodbye.
[00:10:18] Unknown:
Get out of here. Go on. Get off. Get off.
[00:10:23] Unknown:
Well, if it isn't, this is our old friend, Scotty Brown. What can we do for you, Scotty? You're coming to buy a dog.
[00:10:33] Unknown:
I used to have a dog, but dogs are such a sneaky lot. What do you mean dogs are sneaky? Well, my neighbor used to throw meat over the fence to the dog, and that darn dog would beat me to it every time. Well, I gotta be getting hold to my wife. I got a box here for a nice box of fresh marshmallows. Scotty, I can't imagine you buying marshmallows for your wife. Oh, it's the thriftiest candy I can buy. Before my wife eats the marshmallows, she powders her nose with them first. Who could say it, love? Oh, Costello, catch that cat and put him in a cage. What is he doing running all over the store to the other cats? Nothing of it. I just sold him. He's going around breaking his engagements.
[00:11:16] Unknown:
Hurry up. You too.
[00:11:21] Unknown:
Here come here comes missus Niles.
[00:11:25] Unknown:
Oh, hello, missus Niles. Hello, mister Rabbit. Ma, you have such a lovely pet shop here, but I just can't help laughing at the stuffed bad boom in the front window.
[00:11:34] Unknown:
Oh, pardon me. That's Costello.
[00:11:37] Unknown:
Hello, missus Niles. I see you have company with you. Who are those two people looking over your shoulder? Pardon me. That's your ears.
[00:11:52] Unknown:
Quiet. Quiet, Crustella. What What can we do for you, missus Niles? Well, I'm going away for the weekend, and I wanna leave my little dog to board with you while I'm away. Come here to Lulu and say hello to the boys.
[00:12:03] Unknown:
What kind of a dog is that, missus Niles? She's a Doberman Pinscher. A Doberman what? Pincher. Pincher. Whoo.
[00:12:10] Unknown:
What are you doing? Just tell me to pinch her. You behave yourself, missus Niles. This dog doesn't look, like a full blooded Doberman. Well, I paid a thousand dollars for the dog. She's part Doberman and part bull. What part is bull? The part about the the thousand wow.
[00:12:29] Unknown:
That's a good joke if it comes out. Wait a minute. Go back and do it over. I think What part is Paul? The part about the thousand dollars. Continue. Oh, quiet. I'm telling you. Miss Babin, I'm leaving this dog with you, and I'm going to hold you personally responsible for her. If anything happens to Tallulah, I'll come back here with the police and close-up this place. This dog is just like my own little baby.
[00:12:53] Unknown:
Aren't you darling?
[00:12:57] Unknown:
Yes, mother. Chickering chick. Chickory chick. Chickory chick. Chickory chick. Chickory chick. Chickory. Costello. Costello, what are you doing? I'm trying to see mister Niles talk asleep. Now call asleep, Tallulah. Chickory chick. Oh, Hey. Yeah. But that darn dog bit me. Where did he bite you? Between a chickory chick and a ta la ta la. That sounded like you don't know how to handle dog. You have to teach the dog by imitation. What do you mean imitation? Well, if you want the dog to sit up, you sit up first and show them how it's done. Oh, I did that. I showed the dog how to sit up. What happened? The dog patted me on the head and stuck the dog bitch in my mouth. Put that dog out the kennel in the backyard. No, Abbot. No. She nearly froze out there last night. Don't be silly. It wasn't cold last night. Oh, no. Well, at midnight, she came in and put on a suit of my long underwear. You idiot. How could a dog wear a suit of your long underwear? She found out how to work those hinges.
[00:13:58] Unknown:
Hey. Hey. Look, Costello. It's missus Niles, French maid, Fifi LeBlanc. Oh, hello, monsieur Aberdade. You cute little man, monsieur Costello.
[00:14:07] Unknown:
Phoebe, come here and kiss your poor old father. Why do you always pretend you love me, monsieur Costello? You'll never give me anything.
[00:14:18] Unknown:
Gee. I wouldn't know what to give you. You have so much of everything. And besides, I didn't I take you to Spiro's last night? Yes. But why didn't you take me inside? No.
[00:14:32] Unknown:
Listen, you two. We have work to do around here. Is there anything we can do for you, Fifi? Oh oh, yes. I have a message for missus Niles. She forgot to get a license for her dog, her Lula. Well, we take care of it right away. Costello, take missus Niles' dog down in City Hall and get a license. Fifi, will you drive me down to the city hall? Castello, you have your own car. Why do you wanna ride with Fifi? Don't mind him, folks. He still believes in the Easter bunny. Costello, get out of here and get that dog lice. Okay.
[00:15:03] Unknown:
Hello. Married License Bureau. Oh, hello, mother. Yes. I'll be home for dinner early tonight. No. There aren't many people coming in for the marriage licenses today. I guess all the girls are waiting to become June brides. Oh, I have to hang up, mother. A young man just came in the door. Goodbye. Good afternoon.
[00:15:21] Unknown:
Is this the place where you get a license? Yes. It is.
[00:15:24] Unknown:
Where is the lucky little girl?
[00:15:26] Unknown:
Oh, she's out in the hall. She's sniffing around.
[00:15:30] Unknown:
Well, none of them don't like the smell of the place. It's a pretty old building. Now, what are your names?
[00:15:37] Unknown:
My name is Lou Costello, and her name is Tallulah.
[00:15:40] Unknown:
I bet she's happy that you're getting the license. Uh-huh. She licked my hand.
[00:15:46] Unknown:
Licked your hand? Yeah. Then she leaned down and drooled on my shoe.
[00:15:52] Unknown:
She certainly must love you.
[00:15:54] Unknown:
What does she look like? She's a sort of chocolate brown.
[00:16:01] Unknown:
Chocolate brown? Mhmm. Oh, well, I suppose she spends a lot of time in the sun. Tell me more about her. Is, she's a dainty time? Not exactly. Her ears are too long.
[00:16:12] Unknown:
They hang down in her food when she's eating. You're kidding now. Oh, no. We have to pin her ears on top of her head with a clothespin.
[00:16:23] Unknown:
Well, as long as you love her. Mhmm. I do hope there'll be some little one. Yeah. And if there is, I'm gonna keep all the males.
[00:16:30] Unknown:
What? I'm gonna keep all the males. What about the females? I'll give them to the neighbors.
[00:16:36] Unknown:
Well, I suppose it's people's own business what they do. Now, for the final question, how old are you? I'm 28.
[00:16:45] Unknown:
How old is Tallulah? I think she's about six or seven.
[00:16:49] Unknown:
Mister Costello, are you a hillbilly?
[00:16:51] Unknown:
I'm sorry. She's much too young. Now you'll have to bring her father and mother in. I can't do that. Her mother ran away with a boxer. And the last we heard of her father, he was hanging around the back door of the backstage bar eating out of the garbage can. So don't she have any other relatives in town? Yeah. She had nine pups last month. Oh. Oh. What was wrong with her? Costello, I'm glad you're back. Missus Niles is here and wants her dog. Yes. Costello Perez Tallula. A terrible thing happened. I left the dog outside the license bureau. When I come out, she was gone. Oh, dear. Why you little idiot? I'll sue you for this. I'll Just a minute. Just a minute, missus Niles. I'll get you another dog. I'll get you a bird dog. Oh, what do I want with a bird dog? I have no bird. Well, then I'll get you a sled dog. I have no sled. I'll get you a bloodhound. Try and get out of that one. If you don't find my dog by midnight tonight, I'll have you sent to Alphabet.
Remember, have my dog, Dolula, back at my house tonight or else. Gee, Abbott, I can't walk any further. We've searched every street in this town. Here we are now way out in the country. We'll never find that dog in the dark. Yes, we will. Just stay close to me. Costello, that sounded like a wolf. It can't be a wolf. We're too far from Hollywood and Vine.
[00:18:19] Unknown:
Hey. Look, Costello. Here are dog tracks that lead down this path to the old deserted house in the tree. I'm not going to that house, Abbott. Everybody's just that house is haunted. I don't start that stuff, Costello. I told you before that a ghost is nothing but a myth. A myth? Yes. You know what a myth is, don't you? Yeah. A myth is,
[00:18:37] Unknown:
an unmarried girl. Oh, you talk, sir, and knock on the door. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. There's a sign on the door. What does it say? It says, dear milkman, leave two quarts of blood.
[00:18:48] Unknown:
Half it. Let's get out of this place. Sarah, I'll open the door. Come on. Let's go in.
[00:18:54] Unknown:
She is talking here.
[00:18:58] Unknown:
What's that noise, Adam? It's nothing but an old clock ticking. Sure. That's all it is. Just an old clock.
[00:19:06] Unknown:
What was that? 11:30. Oh, that was just a a street child someplace. Call the dog, Costello. Call the dog.
[00:19:18] Unknown:
Tallula.
[00:19:20] Unknown:
Oh, Tallula.
[00:19:22] Unknown:
Add it. Somebody just called back to me. Well, that was your record, didn't you, dummy? Try it again. You'll see.
[00:19:27] Unknown:
Tallulah.
[00:19:27] Unknown:
Oh, Tallulah. See, Costello. Try it again.
[00:19:30] Unknown:
Come here, doggy. Come here, doggy. This is your friend, Louie. Very glad to know you.
[00:19:41] Unknown:
That's all I wanna know, Abbot. I'll see you later.
[00:19:44] Unknown:
Come back. Come back here, Costello. That was a little barking. The the barking came from that closet. I open the door, and you catch the dog when she comes out quick.
[00:19:53] Unknown:
What what you're grabbing?
[00:19:58] Unknown:
Ken Niles, what are you doing in this deserted house? Yes. Wait a minute. You've got your wife's dog with you. What's behind all this, Ken? Speak up. What are you up to? Alright. Alright. I'll tell the truth, though. Can I tell the truth? I gotta tell somebody. Can I tell them? You see, my wife is a vegetarian.
[00:20:14] Unknown:
Every day in our house is a meatless day. She never gives me anything but spinach, broccoli, cauliflowers, string beans, and parsley. Oh, this guy's a regular victory garden, which is senders. And finally, I couldn't stand it any longer. The vegetables were driving me crazy. At last, my mind smashed.
[00:20:34] Unknown:
Come on. Come on. Get to the point, Niles. Why did you bring this dog to this deserted house? I I didn't bring her here. She she followed me. That's silly, Niles.
[00:20:46] Unknown:
Why should the dog follow you? I stole her
[00:20:53] Unknown:
phone.
Hello. It is Ryan, and we could all use an extra bright spot in our day, couldn't we? Just to make up for things like sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, counting your steps, you know, all the mundane stuff. That is why I'm such a big fan of Chumba Casino. Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere with daily bonuses. That should brighten your day low. Actually, a lot. So sign up now at ChumbaCasino.com. That's ChumbaCasino.com.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. DGW. Point. Verify loss. Terms and conditions, 18 plus. Step into the world of power, loyalty,
[00:00:34] Unknown:
and luck I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family
[00:00:39] Unknown:
cannolis, and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Introducing The Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champacasino.com.
[00:00:59] Unknown:
Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW Group. We were prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply.
[00:01:05] Unknown:
Pastela. Pastela, what's going on there? What's the idea of bringing that dog in here? Where'd you get him?
[00:01:10] Unknown:
I say, where'd you get that dog? Do I bring him in here?
[00:01:14] Unknown:
Oh, I found him, Abbot.
[00:01:16] Unknown:
Costello, do you realize we're running a first class pet shop now? Get that dog out of here. Oh, no. I bet I'm gonna keep this dog. He's a genuine airplane dog. An airplane dog? Yeah. Just for those tailspin.
[00:01:27] Unknown:
Oh, snap. Catella, where'd you get that broken down flea hound? Abbot, how do you call this little dog a flea hound? He just took first prize at the cat show. Oh, wait a minute. How could he take first prize at the cat show? He took the cat. He took Stella, you take that dog right out of here now. Remember that. We don't want any mongrels in here with our other animals. Abbot, don't make me chase this little dog away. He's taking the place of my other dog that died. His name was Corset. Corset? Mhmm. Corset? How did you happen to name the dog Corset? Because we tied him up in the daytime, and we let him out at night. Dog.
I remember that dog you had, Costelli. He was a duck's son. Yeah. Wasn't he? Yeah. One of those long dogs. How did he happen to die? It's a sad tale, Abbott. What do you mean? He met his end going around a tree. Going around?
[00:02:16] Unknown:
Well, I'd be ashamed
[00:02:21] Unknown:
I'd be ashamed to go anywhere with that mutt. Oh, no, Abbott. Oh, yes. This dog has class. He goes everywhere. He was at the UNO conference. He likes to hang around the big tree. Uh-oh. These are the scams and dogs. Now stop the food. Can you please? No. No more nonsense, Scottsdale. Take it easy. Hang on, Savage. He's a very smart dog. I'll prove it to you. Susie, how much is one on one? That's right. Ain't it, Abbot? How did you know? Now, Susie, how much is two and two? Come on. Come on, Susie. Two and two is five. Come on, Georgie. That's better.
Now, Susie, for the final test, tell him what time it is? Quarter the seventh. Wait a minute, Robert. Tell me what. What kind of a dog is that? Do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart? Yes. This is his brother. Weak stomach fight. Now, furthermore, rabbit, This is the kindest dog in the whole world. Notice how he's got his tail curled up? What's he doing that for? He lets the fleas loop the loop.
[00:03:34] Unknown:
Look, Costello. Don't bring any more broken down animals, sweetie. Are you listening to me? I don't want you to bring any more broken down animals into this pet shop. Now get busy around here. Now oh, answer that phone.
[00:03:45] Unknown:
Hammitt Costello's pet shop. Mister Costello, do you have a Greyhound? Yes. I do. Why don't you get on it and get out of town? You know, that was a peachy joke. I'll pull it out of it. Hey, Evan. Do you have a Greyhound? No. But I have a setter. You'll never get out of town that way.
[00:04:08] Unknown:
Oh, look. Look. Look. Lou, will you please stop this nonsense and get busy and clean up this pet shop before a customer comes in? By the way, what did you do with those, newborn puppies? I put them in a dog incubator.
[00:04:19] Unknown:
Nope. We have no dog incubator. What's that can in the backyard that takes deposit litter here? Yep. That's a long one.
[00:04:29] Unknown:
Yeah. Dummy, those little puppies will catch cold in the backyard. One of the puppies has a cold already. Oh, then I want you to take that cold parlor and and put it in that long rubber tube. Place one in the tube in your mouth and one into the dog's mouth.
[00:04:42] Unknown:
Do you understand that? Yeah. And blow. That's no good. I always tried it. What? What happened? The dog blew first.
[00:04:49] Unknown:
Oh, boy. Wait a minute. Hello? Abbott and Costello sweatshop. Who? Missus Pike? Yes. Yes. I'll send Costello over. What kind of a dog have you? Oh, a peeked in these. Okay, missus Pike. Costello, I want you to go over and get a peek at missus Pike.
[00:05:13] Unknown:
Get a peek at missus Pike? Yes. Why can't I take a good look?
[00:05:18] Unknown:
Listen, you dummy. I want you to go after Pike's Peak. What do you think I am? A mountain goat?
[00:05:25] Unknown:
Indian, I want you to go to missus Pike's house for a peeking knee. Habit, how dare you suggest such a thing? I might glance at her ankles, but I would never peek at her knees. Where do you go? I gotta finish I gotta finish washing this dog. What dog? You know, that little white dog that, that there that one that, Spitz? No. But he drools a little. I know.
[00:05:48] Unknown:
Never mind that customer. I have to come back for missus Pikes. I want you to take care of missus, Murphy's chow. A what? Her chow. How is missus Murphy's chow? I don't know. I never ate at her house. No, Pastel. You're thinking of the chow you chew. A what?
[00:06:01] Unknown:
You chew. You chew. You chew. You chew. You chew. Go sit tight. You said hey. You catch your call, Adam. I better get that poo but put it in your mouth. Oh, why did I ever go into business with you? You haven't done a thing in this pet shop since the day we opened it. Oh, no. This morning, I put a cage in the front window, and it's attracting more customers than anything you've done around the place. Put a cage in the front window? What's in it? What's in it? Come here. I'll show you. Don't load it up. Listen. I love you.
[00:06:26] Unknown:
I love you. I love you. I love you.
[00:06:31] Unknown:
What in the what in the world is that? Two porcupines, necking.
[00:06:45] Unknown:
Quiet, Rover. Quiet fight. Oh, Costello. Costello, come here. Get busy now and take inventory of our animals here in the pet shop. Okay. I'll count them.
[00:06:56] Unknown:
Four dogs. Three cats. Rabbit.
[00:07:08] Unknown:
Pastello. You didn't count that little rabbit in the corner. He wasn't there when I started counting. Oh, yes.
[00:07:14] Unknown:
Blood. Blood. Never said blood. Down in the blood. I gotta have blood. Are you kidding? Who are you? Oh, just an old bloodhound. Hello? Evan Costello Pitcher? Do you have a giraffe in your pet shop? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Well, send it right over. I'm in the mood for a long neck. That's it. So that, and I'm going home. What are you going home for? To get a laugh. I haven't had one in two lines. Okay. Thank you. Would you stop this, Costello? Wait on that man that just came in. Yes, sir. Okay. How do you do? What can I do for you? Buddy, I'd like to buy a canary. A canary. A canary? No, a parrot.
I think you're giving me the bird. Look, I want to buy a parrot that talks and talks and talks for twenty four hours a day. And when he gets tired of talking, I want him to scream at the top of his voice and call me all the names you can think of. Why do you wanna with a parrot like that? Well, my wife's gone away, and I'm lonesome.
[00:08:28] Unknown:
Well, we'll deliver the parrot in the morning. Now can we call you a taxi? Oh, no. Thanks, buddy.
[00:08:34] Unknown:
I'll ride my pink elephant home. I'll run and jump on his back. Here I go. Miss him every time. Oh, forget him. Get busy, Costello.
[00:08:59] Unknown:
Costello. Do you hear me? Mhmm. What are you standing there looking in that cage for? Gee. This is cute, Abbot. What do you mean? Four little skunks are playing bridge. Four little skunks are playing bridge. Yeah. They're playing for a tenth of a cent. Hey, Castella. Look who's coming in the door.
[00:09:19] Unknown:
Why it's Bessie.
[00:09:21] Unknown:
Hello, Bessie. Hello, boy. I came in to buy a young wire haired doogie.
[00:09:26] Unknown:
A young wire haired doogie?
[00:09:29] Unknown:
I bet you know what a doogie is. That's a young poopy. A poopy poopy.
[00:09:37] Unknown:
I'd like to get a playmate for the little doogie. Would you suggest a Siamese cock?
[00:09:43] Unknown:
No. Doogies don't like cocks. Why don't you get a guinea poo or some little white mice? I'll send my boozler over for the doogie in a topsy cove. Don't bother, miss Butchoo. I'll bring it over myself on the soon set booze.
[00:09:59] Unknown:
Oh, thank you very much. And a buenos notice to you. And a pair of snowshoes to you too. Oh oh, I sorry. I ran into you, sir. That's alright, Lucy. The pleasure was all mine.
[00:10:12] Unknown:
Goodbye. Goodbye.
[00:10:18] Unknown:
Get out of here. Go on. Get off. Get off.
[00:10:23] Unknown:
Well, if it isn't, this is our old friend, Scotty Brown. What can we do for you, Scotty? You're coming to buy a dog.
[00:10:33] Unknown:
I used to have a dog, but dogs are such a sneaky lot. What do you mean dogs are sneaky? Well, my neighbor used to throw meat over the fence to the dog, and that darn dog would beat me to it every time. Well, I gotta be getting hold to my wife. I got a box here for a nice box of fresh marshmallows. Scotty, I can't imagine you buying marshmallows for your wife. Oh, it's the thriftiest candy I can buy. Before my wife eats the marshmallows, she powders her nose with them first. Who could say it, love? Oh, Costello, catch that cat and put him in a cage. What is he doing running all over the store to the other cats? Nothing of it. I just sold him. He's going around breaking his engagements.
[00:11:16] Unknown:
Hurry up. You too.
[00:11:21] Unknown:
Here come here comes missus Niles.
[00:11:25] Unknown:
Oh, hello, missus Niles. Hello, mister Rabbit. Ma, you have such a lovely pet shop here, but I just can't help laughing at the stuffed bad boom in the front window.
[00:11:34] Unknown:
Oh, pardon me. That's Costello.
[00:11:37] Unknown:
Hello, missus Niles. I see you have company with you. Who are those two people looking over your shoulder? Pardon me. That's your ears.
[00:11:52] Unknown:
Quiet. Quiet, Crustella. What What can we do for you, missus Niles? Well, I'm going away for the weekend, and I wanna leave my little dog to board with you while I'm away. Come here to Lulu and say hello to the boys.
[00:12:03] Unknown:
What kind of a dog is that, missus Niles? She's a Doberman Pinscher. A Doberman what? Pincher. Pincher. Whoo.
[00:12:10] Unknown:
What are you doing? Just tell me to pinch her. You behave yourself, missus Niles. This dog doesn't look, like a full blooded Doberman. Well, I paid a thousand dollars for the dog. She's part Doberman and part bull. What part is bull? The part about the the thousand wow.
[00:12:29] Unknown:
That's a good joke if it comes out. Wait a minute. Go back and do it over. I think What part is Paul? The part about the thousand dollars. Continue. Oh, quiet. I'm telling you. Miss Babin, I'm leaving this dog with you, and I'm going to hold you personally responsible for her. If anything happens to Tallulah, I'll come back here with the police and close-up this place. This dog is just like my own little baby.
[00:12:53] Unknown:
Aren't you darling?
[00:12:57] Unknown:
Yes, mother. Chickering chick. Chickory chick. Chickory chick. Chickory chick. Chickory chick. Chickory. Costello. Costello, what are you doing? I'm trying to see mister Niles talk asleep. Now call asleep, Tallulah. Chickory chick. Oh, Hey. Yeah. But that darn dog bit me. Where did he bite you? Between a chickory chick and a ta la ta la. That sounded like you don't know how to handle dog. You have to teach the dog by imitation. What do you mean imitation? Well, if you want the dog to sit up, you sit up first and show them how it's done. Oh, I did that. I showed the dog how to sit up. What happened? The dog patted me on the head and stuck the dog bitch in my mouth. Put that dog out the kennel in the backyard. No, Abbot. No. She nearly froze out there last night. Don't be silly. It wasn't cold last night. Oh, no. Well, at midnight, she came in and put on a suit of my long underwear. You idiot. How could a dog wear a suit of your long underwear? She found out how to work those hinges.
[00:13:58] Unknown:
Hey. Hey. Look, Costello. It's missus Niles, French maid, Fifi LeBlanc. Oh, hello, monsieur Aberdade. You cute little man, monsieur Costello.
[00:14:07] Unknown:
Phoebe, come here and kiss your poor old father. Why do you always pretend you love me, monsieur Costello? You'll never give me anything.
[00:14:18] Unknown:
Gee. I wouldn't know what to give you. You have so much of everything. And besides, I didn't I take you to Spiro's last night? Yes. But why didn't you take me inside? No.
[00:14:32] Unknown:
Listen, you two. We have work to do around here. Is there anything we can do for you, Fifi? Oh oh, yes. I have a message for missus Niles. She forgot to get a license for her dog, her Lula. Well, we take care of it right away. Costello, take missus Niles' dog down in City Hall and get a license. Fifi, will you drive me down to the city hall? Castello, you have your own car. Why do you wanna ride with Fifi? Don't mind him, folks. He still believes in the Easter bunny. Costello, get out of here and get that dog lice. Okay.
[00:15:03] Unknown:
Hello. Married License Bureau. Oh, hello, mother. Yes. I'll be home for dinner early tonight. No. There aren't many people coming in for the marriage licenses today. I guess all the girls are waiting to become June brides. Oh, I have to hang up, mother. A young man just came in the door. Goodbye. Good afternoon.
[00:15:21] Unknown:
Is this the place where you get a license? Yes. It is.
[00:15:24] Unknown:
Where is the lucky little girl?
[00:15:26] Unknown:
Oh, she's out in the hall. She's sniffing around.
[00:15:30] Unknown:
Well, none of them don't like the smell of the place. It's a pretty old building. Now, what are your names?
[00:15:37] Unknown:
My name is Lou Costello, and her name is Tallulah.
[00:15:40] Unknown:
I bet she's happy that you're getting the license. Uh-huh. She licked my hand.
[00:15:46] Unknown:
Licked your hand? Yeah. Then she leaned down and drooled on my shoe.
[00:15:52] Unknown:
She certainly must love you.
[00:15:54] Unknown:
What does she look like? She's a sort of chocolate brown.
[00:16:01] Unknown:
Chocolate brown? Mhmm. Oh, well, I suppose she spends a lot of time in the sun. Tell me more about her. Is, she's a dainty time? Not exactly. Her ears are too long.
[00:16:12] Unknown:
They hang down in her food when she's eating. You're kidding now. Oh, no. We have to pin her ears on top of her head with a clothespin.
[00:16:23] Unknown:
Well, as long as you love her. Mhmm. I do hope there'll be some little one. Yeah. And if there is, I'm gonna keep all the males.
[00:16:30] Unknown:
What? I'm gonna keep all the males. What about the females? I'll give them to the neighbors.
[00:16:36] Unknown:
Well, I suppose it's people's own business what they do. Now, for the final question, how old are you? I'm 28.
[00:16:45] Unknown:
How old is Tallulah? I think she's about six or seven.
[00:16:49] Unknown:
Mister Costello, are you a hillbilly?
[00:16:51] Unknown:
I'm sorry. She's much too young. Now you'll have to bring her father and mother in. I can't do that. Her mother ran away with a boxer. And the last we heard of her father, he was hanging around the back door of the backstage bar eating out of the garbage can. So don't she have any other relatives in town? Yeah. She had nine pups last month. Oh. Oh. What was wrong with her? Costello, I'm glad you're back. Missus Niles is here and wants her dog. Yes. Costello Perez Tallula. A terrible thing happened. I left the dog outside the license bureau. When I come out, she was gone. Oh, dear. Why you little idiot? I'll sue you for this. I'll Just a minute. Just a minute, missus Niles. I'll get you another dog. I'll get you a bird dog. Oh, what do I want with a bird dog? I have no bird. Well, then I'll get you a sled dog. I have no sled. I'll get you a bloodhound. Try and get out of that one. If you don't find my dog by midnight tonight, I'll have you sent to Alphabet.
Remember, have my dog, Dolula, back at my house tonight or else. Gee, Abbott, I can't walk any further. We've searched every street in this town. Here we are now way out in the country. We'll never find that dog in the dark. Yes, we will. Just stay close to me. Costello, that sounded like a wolf. It can't be a wolf. We're too far from Hollywood and Vine.
[00:18:19] Unknown:
Hey. Look, Costello. Here are dog tracks that lead down this path to the old deserted house in the tree. I'm not going to that house, Abbott. Everybody's just that house is haunted. I don't start that stuff, Costello. I told you before that a ghost is nothing but a myth. A myth? Yes. You know what a myth is, don't you? Yeah. A myth is,
[00:18:37] Unknown:
an unmarried girl. Oh, you talk, sir, and knock on the door. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. There's a sign on the door. What does it say? It says, dear milkman, leave two quarts of blood.
[00:18:48] Unknown:
Half it. Let's get out of this place. Sarah, I'll open the door. Come on. Let's go in.
[00:18:54] Unknown:
She is talking here.
[00:18:58] Unknown:
What's that noise, Adam? It's nothing but an old clock ticking. Sure. That's all it is. Just an old clock.
[00:19:06] Unknown:
What was that? 11:30. Oh, that was just a a street child someplace. Call the dog, Costello. Call the dog.
[00:19:18] Unknown:
Tallula.
[00:19:20] Unknown:
Oh, Tallula.
[00:19:22] Unknown:
Add it. Somebody just called back to me. Well, that was your record, didn't you, dummy? Try it again. You'll see.
[00:19:27] Unknown:
Tallulah.
[00:19:27] Unknown:
Oh, Tallulah. See, Costello. Try it again.
[00:19:30] Unknown:
Come here, doggy. Come here, doggy. This is your friend, Louie. Very glad to know you.
[00:19:41] Unknown:
That's all I wanna know, Abbot. I'll see you later.
[00:19:44] Unknown:
Come back. Come back here, Costello. That was a little barking. The the barking came from that closet. I open the door, and you catch the dog when she comes out quick.
[00:19:53] Unknown:
What what you're grabbing?
[00:19:58] Unknown:
Ken Niles, what are you doing in this deserted house? Yes. Wait a minute. You've got your wife's dog with you. What's behind all this, Ken? Speak up. What are you up to? Alright. Alright. I'll tell the truth, though. Can I tell the truth? I gotta tell somebody. Can I tell them? You see, my wife is a vegetarian.
[00:20:14] Unknown:
Every day in our house is a meatless day. She never gives me anything but spinach, broccoli, cauliflowers, string beans, and parsley. Oh, this guy's a regular victory garden, which is senders. And finally, I couldn't stand it any longer. The vegetables were driving me crazy. At last, my mind smashed.
[00:20:34] Unknown:
Come on. Come on. Get to the point, Niles. Why did you bring this dog to this deserted house? I I didn't bring her here. She she followed me. That's silly, Niles.
[00:20:46] Unknown:
Why should the dog follow you? I stole her
[00:20:53] Unknown:
phone.
