In this episode, we dive into a comedic world filled with misunderstandings and slapstick humor, reminiscent of classic Abbott and Costello routines. The episode opens with a humorous take on the iconic "The Godfather" theme, inviting listeners to test their luck in a fictional casino setting. The narrative quickly shifts to a chaotic scene at a gas station, where Costello's antics lead to a series of comedic mishaps, including a run-in with a celebrity's car and a misunderstanding about a pantry in a filling station.
The episode continues with a series of hilarious exchanges between Costello and various characters, including a police officer and a disgruntled customer. The humor escalates as Costello attempts to navigate the complexities of running a service station, leading to a series of misunderstandings and slapstick moments. The episode concludes with a comedic confrontation involving a wrecked car, showcasing the timeless humor of Abbott and Costello's classic routines.
(00:00) Introduction to The Godfather Slot
(01:14) Costello's Gas Station Mishaps
(07:54) The Car Wreck and Its Consequences
(12:03) Mrs. Niles' Car Troubles
(15:18) The Chaotic Drive and Police Encounter
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis,
[00:00:10] Unknown:
and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Introducing The Godfather Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champacasino.com.
[00:00:28] Unknown:
Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW group, boy where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. With Luckyland slots, you can get lucky just about anywhere.
[00:00:39] Unknown:
This is your captain speaking. We've got clear runway, and the weather is fine. But we're just gonna circle up here a while and, get lucky. No. No. Nothing like that. It's just these cash prizes add up quick. So I suggest you sit back, keep your tray table upright, and start getting lucky.
[00:00:54] Unknown:
Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See website for details. Costello.
[00:01:24] Unknown:
Costello, we bought this gas station four days ago. Are you listening to me? I'm listening. Go ahead. We bought this gas station forty four days ago, and you you promised to do half the worry. Oh, you've got Lana Turner's car up there on the grease rack.
[00:01:38] Unknown:
Why aren't you greasing it? Because Lana turn Lana Turner's car makes me awfully nervous. Oh, how could Lana Turner's car make you nervous? Well, this is the first time I've ever been close to her chassis. Right.
[00:01:49] Unknown:
Look. They'll be after her car in a minute. Now get it off that hydraulic hoist and take it easy, please. Okay. Okay. Alright.
[00:02:06] Unknown:
Anybody wanna buy a swaddie Chevrolet?
[00:02:10] Unknown:
You idiot. Now look what you've done. Do you realize that miss Turner can sue you for damages? Sue me for damages? I mean How much more damage does she want? No. Look at the car. Oh, you dummy.
[00:02:20] Unknown:
She can press a suit against you. Oh, I hope you can press her suit against me anytime.
[00:02:25] Unknown:
If it makes all sense. We've gotta lift that car up and get it out of there. Where are the jacks? Where are the jacks? Yes. Where are the jacks? I quit playing jacks. I couldn't get past my foursy. Oh, no. No. You play Jacks. I suppose you play Tiddlywinks tune, don't you? Yes. I do. But I don't wanna play no Tiddlywinks
[00:02:44] Unknown:
with you. Why not? Because you play wet loaded tiddlies. All the kids tell me. What kids? All the kids don't take your time with me. Now listen, Tostela. I I'm not Tostela.
[00:03:06] Unknown:
Look. I'm getting fed up with this. You haven't done a lick of work around here in four days. Oh, no. Only this morning, I cleaned out that little pantry over there. Pantry? Yeah. That's not a pantry.
[00:03:17] Unknown:
Now he tells me.
[00:03:24] Unknown:
You know, now that's will you listen to me, please? What would they be doing with a pantry and a filling station? Well, I thought maybe that's where he kept the traffic jam. Oh, no.
[00:03:35] Unknown:
Hello? Abbott and Costello service station? Do you have an oversized head gasket? Yes. I have. How do you get your hat on? That was a very funny joke. I'll pull it on Abbott. I have it. Do you have an oversized head gasket? No. But I have a new pair of cast iron pender pants. Now what am I gonna do with the hat?
[00:04:01] Unknown:
Now there you go again. No wonder people don't come into our filling station. If a customer drove in here right now, you would know what to do. Yes. I would. Yeah. Alright. Suppose the man asked for Ethel. Well, what would you tell him? I'd tell him it was a day off.
[00:04:14] Unknown:
No. You don't have to. You'd put Ethel in the car. I put her in his car. I don't even know that girl.
[00:04:22] Unknown:
Oh, Ethel is tanked in front of the gas station. Oh, you want me to sober her up? No.
[00:04:26] Unknown:
You mean the chick got a little fun on it? No. No. No. Nothing on the car. She's a little bit twitchy. Would you listen to me, please? We got a truck to go up on another thing. Nothing on the Kylie. I'm not talking about that. Look. If a man has a high speed motor, he wants ethylene.
[00:04:39] Unknown:
What's what? Ethylene.
[00:04:41] Unknown:
That's a new one on me, brother. He wants ethylene. N ethyl. It's two kinds. Ethylene or ethylene.
[00:04:48] Unknown:
He could give him ethylene. That's the one I better get to get the last. Alright. Well, get it that way. Get it the way you want. Go ahead.
[00:04:56] Unknown:
If,
[00:04:57] Unknown:
if you want me to put it on a diet, okay. No. Lock. Lock. Lock. Lock. Lock. What would you do if a man drove into our gas station and his motor knocked? I open the door and let it in. No. Don't you understand?
[00:05:10] Unknown:
Don't you understand? He has a mist in his motor. Okay. Should you come in town? Just a minute. Will you, please? The man's motor is missing. Oh, what are you looking at me for? I did it, Tycho. Why not? I do go around types of motors, you know. There's other ways of making a buck. Alright. I know that. Just forget about it. Look. What wait a minute. What would you do if a man drove up with a flat tire? I would treat her just like any other lady. You you don't understand. You're self-service
[00:05:42] Unknown:
with me. I understand that. I mean, a puncture, you'd nip, with a puncture. Do you know what a puncture is? Oh, yeah. A puncture is a hissing sound followed by naughty words. Of all the jokes I ever met that sentence, take that uniform off and get out of here.
[00:05:55] Unknown:
Right here and now, I am going to sever my relations with you. What? Yes. While you're at it, I gotta look like we should cut up too. I know. He's the leaders, man. Have I ever you better stop me. He's the leaders, man. Never mind that. Listen to me. Okay. I mean, you're through. Fire. Now get out of here. Go ahead. Hit me, washed up. You don't heard me. You're firing me ever. You are fired. Wait. Never.
[00:06:19] Unknown:
Where through?
[00:06:22] Unknown:
Pilgrims. Pilgrim.
[00:06:23] Unknown:
Pilgrim.
[00:06:25] Unknown:
Pilgrim what? Just pilgrims. You stopped my progress.
[00:06:31] Unknown:
Alright. I'll give you another chance now. Get in that car there and drive it over to the, wash rack. It won't start. I tried it. Oh, What do you mean it won't start? All you have to do is choke your motor. Do what? I said choke your motor.
[00:06:43] Unknown:
Albert, do you realize what you're saying? Well, certainly. Choke my motor? That's all I have to do. Do I look like a boy that would choke his own motor? Listen. I don't think you even know where your motor is. You like those sheets home with my phone. Your phone? Your phone? Yeah. Just take a care of my little brother and sold it. Oh, stop that, son of a sight. I don't think you ever had a car. Oh, Oh, surely I got a car, rabbit. Only I can't say to the name of it. That's all. And all I know is that it ends with a ack. Next name, my car ends with a ack. Is it, Pontiac? No. Cadillac?
No. Now I remember. It's a maniac. Maniac? Mhmm. Every time I climb down the street, everybody says, here goes a maniac. You mean that old you mean that old broken down jalopy of yours? Do you call that thing a car? What do you mean broken down jalopy? I bet my car is good enough for the army. A big general wants to borrow it. General wants to borrow your car? I don't believe it. Oh, yeah. Here's a note. I got a note right here from him. Look what it says. We'll be around to your house in the morning to pick up your car. Signed, general finance.
[00:07:54] Unknown:
Priscilla. Hey. Priscilla, wait on that girl that just drove in. Hurry up. Okay. What up, lady?
[00:07:59] Unknown:
I'm on my way to the movie studio.
[00:08:02] Unknown:
I'm working in a picture out at Ang Dion.
[00:08:11] Unknown:
Yes. Are you acquainted with any of the actors at No. But I know the janitor at Republic. That's right near on a personal. I'm so thrilled. I was hearing you in a new picture. It's all about the African jungle. The African jungles? Oh, Larry, you know what the jungles are. That's the home of the greef and the teaker. That's where the Mount Kays The Mount Kays? The Mount Kays eat the cockanese. Yes. In one scene, I am surrounded by garbage crocodiles. Crocodiles? Yes. Have you ever been frightened by a crocodile? No. But I'm I've been chased by a skunk. Young man, are you trying to mock me? No. I like you a lot. I could go for you. Couldn't you go for me? Absolutely. And here I go.
[00:09:10] Unknown:
Hey. What was the matter with her? I guess I need her more. Hey, Costello. Is there another car driving here? Hurry up. See what they want. They're doing nice, buddy. Come here. Come here. Not so loud. Yes. Come closer. Yes, sir. How would you like to have a bunch of tires you could sell without priority? I gotta call out of hot tires I could let you have cheap.
[00:09:33] Unknown:
What? How dare you try to sell me tires without a priority? You are nothing but a crook, but children and a rat. I have a good notion to report you to the FBI.
[00:09:43] Unknown:
I am from the FBI. Just checking.
[00:09:54] Unknown:
Must be used as cheap gas. Uh-oh, Costello. Here comes your girlfriend. Lean against her. Abbot, where is that, Costello? I'm gonna tear him limb from limb. Yes. It takes a flex with me. Oh, there you are, you inflated meatball. I asked you to put five gallons of gas in my car, and what did you do? Well, we have a lot of gas in there, so I poured in the case of seven up. No wonder my car burped all the way home. Costello, why do you do such thing? Yes. When I got home, I was all broken up. Well, whoever put you back together again surely did a swell job. Stop it, Costello. Stop it.
Oh, I'm sorry about your car, Lena, but I bought you a present. Here's a quart bottle of gin number five. A quart bottle? Mhmm. Costello, that's awfully extravagant. Why a dram would have been enough. Well, I guess I'm just one of those fellas that don't give a dram. Hey. Hey, Lena. And here is a garlic lipstick to go with the perfume. A garlic lipstick? Yes. When I wanna kiss you in the dark, I just inhale and come in on the bean. Oh, just tell him I'm fed up with you. Goodbye. Now, Nina, walked out on me too. Everybody's
[00:11:23] Unknown:
just mad at me. This is certainly a busy day. Hey. Another car just pulled up to the, grease rack. Hey, Bob. Why it's Ken Niles and missus Niles is with him. Hello, missus Niles. Hello, missus Niles. Hello, missus Niles. Hello, missus Niles. We came to try your new station.
[00:11:36] Unknown:
Oh, I see you have a nice stack of tires there. Oh, my mistake. That's mister Costello. You have to crash knuckles, kids. This is the main event.
[00:11:49] Unknown:
Now you wait a minute, Costello. Don't you start any fights with my wife. You keep all of this, Kenneth. I wear the pants in our family. Gee. I thought you said I could wear them tonight. Well,
[00:12:01] Unknown:
well, miss missus Niles, what can we do for you? I wanna leave my car here to be greased. I'll pick it up in the morning. Come on, Kenneth. I wanna get home. You know, I just had my hair washed. Gee. Your hair looks lovely. No kidding. I could tell you just had a wash. Oh, you could? Yeah. The laundry tank is too tied to your banks. Oh. Oh, Jenna, have that car breezed and ready for me at 08:00 in the morning. Come, Kenneth. Do you hear me? Come along, Kenneth. Give him a little time. We'll get his leashes caught around the gas meme pot. No.
You insinuate I have Kenneth on a leash. Come, Kenneth.
[00:12:39] Unknown:
Come on. Get busy, Godzilla.
[00:12:41] Unknown:
I look at it. I just don't wanna waste it. Cartella and grease mister Kyle Carr. Why do I have to do all the heavy work around here? You know, I'm not a well man. Oh, stop. Now, honest, Abbot, I'm not. I only wish I was as strong as you. Oh, being strong is all in the mind. If you think strong, you'll be strong.
[00:12:56] Unknown:
Think of Atlas. You'll, have a body like Atlas. Think of Hercules. You'll have a body like Hercules. That would've worked with me, Abbot. Why not? I keep thinking of that.
[00:13:05] Unknown:
Well, mister Abbot, is my car all greased and ready? Yes. It is, missus Niles. Costello,
[00:13:11] Unknown:
go get missus Niles' car. Uh-oh.
[00:13:14] Unknown:
What do you mean uh-oh? I was afraid she was gonna ask for a car again. The car isn't here. My car is new. Where is it? Where is my car? I had it out last night. I was testing it, and I had a slight accident. The car is down on Main Street. On Main Street? Well, why didn't you bring it home? It was dark. I couldn't find all the parts. I understand.
[00:13:33] Unknown:
You wrecked missus Niles' car? How did it happen? I hit a pedestrian.
[00:13:37] Unknown:
You hit a pedestrian. Oh, how could that wreck the car? The pedestrian was on a bus. That's it. Stop telling me. Just where is the car on Main Street? Between Fifth And Sixth Street. Oh, will you be specific? Is it nearer Fifth or nearest Sixth, sir? It's kinda spread out evenly between them. Oh, you fool. I suppose the car is a total wreck. I couldn't tell very well. Oh, What do you mean you couldn't tell? When I left the fire department with sifting the ashes. Did you know that, Kenneth? This idiot has destroyed my car. Well, we're not going to stand for this, Costello. You're going to replace my wife's car. We're calling the police. Now wait a minute, mister and missus Niles. I did I I didn't mean to wreck your car. I'm just a poor old boy trying to get ahead. Well, if you ever get a good one, you better hang on to it. Mister Niles, I'm gonna do the gentlemanly thing. I'm gonna give you my car. It's a beautiful 10 passenger sedan. You mean 10 people can ride? No. One rides. The other nine push.
I don't want your broker down to lobby. Please. It's a very nice car. Here it is over here leaning against the wall. Come on. Hop in, everybody. I'll take you for a spin. Alright. Alright, Gustav. Step on the side. Okay. The oil is too thick. Oh, will you get this tin pen going, Costello?
[00:15:26] Unknown:
Costello? Costello, watch where you're driving. You're up on the sidewalk.
[00:15:30] Unknown:
Oh, you're alone driving the sidewalk. Oh, you're a stranger in California, bud. I look out. Look out. Look out. Give that pedestrian the right of way. Okay. No. You bitch ass dummy. Can't you see where you're going? I got you, didn't I?
[00:15:46] Unknown:
Nutella, you blockhead you bumped in that woman. You told me to. I did not. I said give her the right away. Oh, I think you said give it to her right away. Oh, here comes the motorcycle.
[00:15:57] Unknown:
Alright. Over the curfew. I'm officer Melonhead. What do you think you're going to? A fire? Hey, Abbot. There's a fire. Come on. Let's go see it. Priscilla, there isn't any fire. This guy just told me there's a fire. I did not. I just asked you if you were going to a fire. Sure. I'll go. I like to watch fire. Listen, surely there isn't any fire. Didn't you just ask me if I was going for fire? Yes. I did, but I always ask that. Whether there's a fire or not? Yes. Let me smell your breath. How dare you how dare you insinuate that I drink? A bottle has never touched my lip. Oh, a cork sniffer. Oh, in presenting a police officer, and there's witnesses too. Who are these two people in the back seat?
That's mister and missus Ken Niles. Oh, indeed. And which one is missus Niles? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, officer Mullenhead. I don't go for that kind of remark. Which one is missus Niles? These peoples are friends of mine. I'm taking up a ride in my car. Hey, Evan. How you like your guy? Asking me which one is missus Niles. Good for you, Catello. You keep on of this, Kim. So that's your rest This man wrecked my car, and now he's trying to palm off his old pile of junk on it. Oh, he is. Is he trying to swindle a woman? Castello, you're going to jail. You are, Castello. You've got yourself into it again. Now what's the matter with you? I guess I'm just a failure. I'm the kind of person my mother don't want me to associate with. I'm just the onion on the handover of life. I'm just a piece of flotsam going somewhere to get some. Well, Costello, what are you going to do about the car you rent? Missus Niles, I'm gonna do the dishes thing. I'm gonna get a brand new car. What kind of a car are you gonna get her? I'll buy a brand new Ford. What's the matter with the Chevrolet? Nothing. Let everybody buy Chevrolet. Just Chevrolets. They shouldn't buy any other car. Let them buy Buicks, Cadillacs, Pontiacs, Volksbills, Dodgers, Studebakers, Nash, Tacos, Hot Wheels. Sure. What do you care if Chrysler's star?
I don't want Chrysler's star. Let it show 4,000,000 automobile. Oh, now you wanna jam the highway so my wife will have to drive three miles an hour, Look. Let it drive 30 miles, fifteen seventy, 80 miles an hour. Oh, you like this guy? My wife is cockeyed. He wants you to drive 80 miles an hour. Alright. Don't let her drive. Let her walk. Oh, she should walk down the street, have the sailors whistling at her. No. No. I don't want the sailors to whistle letters. Now you don't want the sailors to have any fun. Let the sailors have fun. Oh, and I know what you're thinking. Go on. Say it. My wife kisses every sailor in town. Your wife don't kiss every sailor in town. Oh, you know the one. She kisses, but you won't tell. Wait a minute, Mellenhance. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait hair. Say it. My wife is ugly without her hair. No. No. No. I think she's a slick little girl. Oh, slick. My wife looks like a billiard ball with legs. Go on. Go on. It's not a rumor. Tell all the people that I married my wife. I only married my wife for her money. Melonhead, I knew your wife before you married her? She was a pauper. She didn't have a rat's chest.
Now he tells me. Now just for that, Priscilla, I've got a good notion to slap your ears down. Oh, you would've seen it if you didn't have to preach the uniform. Oh, I wouldn't, No. You wouldn't. No. I don't see you take your coat off. Oh, I'll take the coat off. You want to take it off? Go ahead. Take it off. Okay. My coat is off. No. Well, now what have you got to say? Did anybody ever tell you that you have pretty suspended show?
Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis,
[00:00:10] Unknown:
and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Introducing The Godfather Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champacasino.com.
[00:00:28] Unknown:
Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW group, boy where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. With Luckyland slots, you can get lucky just about anywhere.
[00:00:39] Unknown:
This is your captain speaking. We've got clear runway, and the weather is fine. But we're just gonna circle up here a while and, get lucky. No. No. Nothing like that. It's just these cash prizes add up quick. So I suggest you sit back, keep your tray table upright, and start getting lucky.
[00:00:54] Unknown:
Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See website for details. Costello.
[00:01:24] Unknown:
Costello, we bought this gas station four days ago. Are you listening to me? I'm listening. Go ahead. We bought this gas station forty four days ago, and you you promised to do half the worry. Oh, you've got Lana Turner's car up there on the grease rack.
[00:01:38] Unknown:
Why aren't you greasing it? Because Lana turn Lana Turner's car makes me awfully nervous. Oh, how could Lana Turner's car make you nervous? Well, this is the first time I've ever been close to her chassis. Right.
[00:01:49] Unknown:
Look. They'll be after her car in a minute. Now get it off that hydraulic hoist and take it easy, please. Okay. Okay. Alright.
[00:02:06] Unknown:
Anybody wanna buy a swaddie Chevrolet?
[00:02:10] Unknown:
You idiot. Now look what you've done. Do you realize that miss Turner can sue you for damages? Sue me for damages? I mean How much more damage does she want? No. Look at the car. Oh, you dummy.
[00:02:20] Unknown:
She can press a suit against you. Oh, I hope you can press her suit against me anytime.
[00:02:25] Unknown:
If it makes all sense. We've gotta lift that car up and get it out of there. Where are the jacks? Where are the jacks? Yes. Where are the jacks? I quit playing jacks. I couldn't get past my foursy. Oh, no. No. You play Jacks. I suppose you play Tiddlywinks tune, don't you? Yes. I do. But I don't wanna play no Tiddlywinks
[00:02:44] Unknown:
with you. Why not? Because you play wet loaded tiddlies. All the kids tell me. What kids? All the kids don't take your time with me. Now listen, Tostela. I I'm not Tostela.
[00:03:06] Unknown:
Look. I'm getting fed up with this. You haven't done a lick of work around here in four days. Oh, no. Only this morning, I cleaned out that little pantry over there. Pantry? Yeah. That's not a pantry.
[00:03:17] Unknown:
Now he tells me.
[00:03:24] Unknown:
You know, now that's will you listen to me, please? What would they be doing with a pantry and a filling station? Well, I thought maybe that's where he kept the traffic jam. Oh, no.
[00:03:35] Unknown:
Hello? Abbott and Costello service station? Do you have an oversized head gasket? Yes. I have. How do you get your hat on? That was a very funny joke. I'll pull it on Abbott. I have it. Do you have an oversized head gasket? No. But I have a new pair of cast iron pender pants. Now what am I gonna do with the hat?
[00:04:01] Unknown:
Now there you go again. No wonder people don't come into our filling station. If a customer drove in here right now, you would know what to do. Yes. I would. Yeah. Alright. Suppose the man asked for Ethel. Well, what would you tell him? I'd tell him it was a day off.
[00:04:14] Unknown:
No. You don't have to. You'd put Ethel in the car. I put her in his car. I don't even know that girl.
[00:04:22] Unknown:
Oh, Ethel is tanked in front of the gas station. Oh, you want me to sober her up? No.
[00:04:26] Unknown:
You mean the chick got a little fun on it? No. No. No. Nothing on the car. She's a little bit twitchy. Would you listen to me, please? We got a truck to go up on another thing. Nothing on the Kylie. I'm not talking about that. Look. If a man has a high speed motor, he wants ethylene.
[00:04:39] Unknown:
What's what? Ethylene.
[00:04:41] Unknown:
That's a new one on me, brother. He wants ethylene. N ethyl. It's two kinds. Ethylene or ethylene.
[00:04:48] Unknown:
He could give him ethylene. That's the one I better get to get the last. Alright. Well, get it that way. Get it the way you want. Go ahead.
[00:04:56] Unknown:
If,
[00:04:57] Unknown:
if you want me to put it on a diet, okay. No. Lock. Lock. Lock. Lock. Lock. What would you do if a man drove into our gas station and his motor knocked? I open the door and let it in. No. Don't you understand?
[00:05:10] Unknown:
Don't you understand? He has a mist in his motor. Okay. Should you come in town? Just a minute. Will you, please? The man's motor is missing. Oh, what are you looking at me for? I did it, Tycho. Why not? I do go around types of motors, you know. There's other ways of making a buck. Alright. I know that. Just forget about it. Look. What wait a minute. What would you do if a man drove up with a flat tire? I would treat her just like any other lady. You you don't understand. You're self-service
[00:05:42] Unknown:
with me. I understand that. I mean, a puncture, you'd nip, with a puncture. Do you know what a puncture is? Oh, yeah. A puncture is a hissing sound followed by naughty words. Of all the jokes I ever met that sentence, take that uniform off and get out of here.
[00:05:55] Unknown:
Right here and now, I am going to sever my relations with you. What? Yes. While you're at it, I gotta look like we should cut up too. I know. He's the leaders, man. Have I ever you better stop me. He's the leaders, man. Never mind that. Listen to me. Okay. I mean, you're through. Fire. Now get out of here. Go ahead. Hit me, washed up. You don't heard me. You're firing me ever. You are fired. Wait. Never.
[00:06:19] Unknown:
Where through?
[00:06:22] Unknown:
Pilgrims. Pilgrim.
[00:06:23] Unknown:
Pilgrim.
[00:06:25] Unknown:
Pilgrim what? Just pilgrims. You stopped my progress.
[00:06:31] Unknown:
Alright. I'll give you another chance now. Get in that car there and drive it over to the, wash rack. It won't start. I tried it. Oh, What do you mean it won't start? All you have to do is choke your motor. Do what? I said choke your motor.
[00:06:43] Unknown:
Albert, do you realize what you're saying? Well, certainly. Choke my motor? That's all I have to do. Do I look like a boy that would choke his own motor? Listen. I don't think you even know where your motor is. You like those sheets home with my phone. Your phone? Your phone? Yeah. Just take a care of my little brother and sold it. Oh, stop that, son of a sight. I don't think you ever had a car. Oh, Oh, surely I got a car, rabbit. Only I can't say to the name of it. That's all. And all I know is that it ends with a ack. Next name, my car ends with a ack. Is it, Pontiac? No. Cadillac?
No. Now I remember. It's a maniac. Maniac? Mhmm. Every time I climb down the street, everybody says, here goes a maniac. You mean that old you mean that old broken down jalopy of yours? Do you call that thing a car? What do you mean broken down jalopy? I bet my car is good enough for the army. A big general wants to borrow it. General wants to borrow your car? I don't believe it. Oh, yeah. Here's a note. I got a note right here from him. Look what it says. We'll be around to your house in the morning to pick up your car. Signed, general finance.
[00:07:54] Unknown:
Priscilla. Hey. Priscilla, wait on that girl that just drove in. Hurry up. Okay. What up, lady?
[00:07:59] Unknown:
I'm on my way to the movie studio.
[00:08:02] Unknown:
I'm working in a picture out at Ang Dion.
[00:08:11] Unknown:
Yes. Are you acquainted with any of the actors at No. But I know the janitor at Republic. That's right near on a personal. I'm so thrilled. I was hearing you in a new picture. It's all about the African jungle. The African jungles? Oh, Larry, you know what the jungles are. That's the home of the greef and the teaker. That's where the Mount Kays The Mount Kays? The Mount Kays eat the cockanese. Yes. In one scene, I am surrounded by garbage crocodiles. Crocodiles? Yes. Have you ever been frightened by a crocodile? No. But I'm I've been chased by a skunk. Young man, are you trying to mock me? No. I like you a lot. I could go for you. Couldn't you go for me? Absolutely. And here I go.
[00:09:10] Unknown:
Hey. What was the matter with her? I guess I need her more. Hey, Costello. Is there another car driving here? Hurry up. See what they want. They're doing nice, buddy. Come here. Come here. Not so loud. Yes. Come closer. Yes, sir. How would you like to have a bunch of tires you could sell without priority? I gotta call out of hot tires I could let you have cheap.
[00:09:33] Unknown:
What? How dare you try to sell me tires without a priority? You are nothing but a crook, but children and a rat. I have a good notion to report you to the FBI.
[00:09:43] Unknown:
I am from the FBI. Just checking.
[00:09:54] Unknown:
Must be used as cheap gas. Uh-oh, Costello. Here comes your girlfriend. Lean against her. Abbot, where is that, Costello? I'm gonna tear him limb from limb. Yes. It takes a flex with me. Oh, there you are, you inflated meatball. I asked you to put five gallons of gas in my car, and what did you do? Well, we have a lot of gas in there, so I poured in the case of seven up. No wonder my car burped all the way home. Costello, why do you do such thing? Yes. When I got home, I was all broken up. Well, whoever put you back together again surely did a swell job. Stop it, Costello. Stop it.
Oh, I'm sorry about your car, Lena, but I bought you a present. Here's a quart bottle of gin number five. A quart bottle? Mhmm. Costello, that's awfully extravagant. Why a dram would have been enough. Well, I guess I'm just one of those fellas that don't give a dram. Hey. Hey, Lena. And here is a garlic lipstick to go with the perfume. A garlic lipstick? Yes. When I wanna kiss you in the dark, I just inhale and come in on the bean. Oh, just tell him I'm fed up with you. Goodbye. Now, Nina, walked out on me too. Everybody's
[00:11:23] Unknown:
just mad at me. This is certainly a busy day. Hey. Another car just pulled up to the, grease rack. Hey, Bob. Why it's Ken Niles and missus Niles is with him. Hello, missus Niles. Hello, missus Niles. Hello, missus Niles. Hello, missus Niles. We came to try your new station.
[00:11:36] Unknown:
Oh, I see you have a nice stack of tires there. Oh, my mistake. That's mister Costello. You have to crash knuckles, kids. This is the main event.
[00:11:49] Unknown:
Now you wait a minute, Costello. Don't you start any fights with my wife. You keep all of this, Kenneth. I wear the pants in our family. Gee. I thought you said I could wear them tonight. Well,
[00:12:01] Unknown:
well, miss missus Niles, what can we do for you? I wanna leave my car here to be greased. I'll pick it up in the morning. Come on, Kenneth. I wanna get home. You know, I just had my hair washed. Gee. Your hair looks lovely. No kidding. I could tell you just had a wash. Oh, you could? Yeah. The laundry tank is too tied to your banks. Oh. Oh, Jenna, have that car breezed and ready for me at 08:00 in the morning. Come, Kenneth. Do you hear me? Come along, Kenneth. Give him a little time. We'll get his leashes caught around the gas meme pot. No.
You insinuate I have Kenneth on a leash. Come, Kenneth.
[00:12:39] Unknown:
Come on. Get busy, Godzilla.
[00:12:41] Unknown:
I look at it. I just don't wanna waste it. Cartella and grease mister Kyle Carr. Why do I have to do all the heavy work around here? You know, I'm not a well man. Oh, stop. Now, honest, Abbot, I'm not. I only wish I was as strong as you. Oh, being strong is all in the mind. If you think strong, you'll be strong.
[00:12:56] Unknown:
Think of Atlas. You'll, have a body like Atlas. Think of Hercules. You'll have a body like Hercules. That would've worked with me, Abbot. Why not? I keep thinking of that.
[00:13:05] Unknown:
Well, mister Abbot, is my car all greased and ready? Yes. It is, missus Niles. Costello,
[00:13:11] Unknown:
go get missus Niles' car. Uh-oh.
[00:13:14] Unknown:
What do you mean uh-oh? I was afraid she was gonna ask for a car again. The car isn't here. My car is new. Where is it? Where is my car? I had it out last night. I was testing it, and I had a slight accident. The car is down on Main Street. On Main Street? Well, why didn't you bring it home? It was dark. I couldn't find all the parts. I understand.
[00:13:33] Unknown:
You wrecked missus Niles' car? How did it happen? I hit a pedestrian.
[00:13:37] Unknown:
You hit a pedestrian. Oh, how could that wreck the car? The pedestrian was on a bus. That's it. Stop telling me. Just where is the car on Main Street? Between Fifth And Sixth Street. Oh, will you be specific? Is it nearer Fifth or nearest Sixth, sir? It's kinda spread out evenly between them. Oh, you fool. I suppose the car is a total wreck. I couldn't tell very well. Oh, What do you mean you couldn't tell? When I left the fire department with sifting the ashes. Did you know that, Kenneth? This idiot has destroyed my car. Well, we're not going to stand for this, Costello. You're going to replace my wife's car. We're calling the police. Now wait a minute, mister and missus Niles. I did I I didn't mean to wreck your car. I'm just a poor old boy trying to get ahead. Well, if you ever get a good one, you better hang on to it. Mister Niles, I'm gonna do the gentlemanly thing. I'm gonna give you my car. It's a beautiful 10 passenger sedan. You mean 10 people can ride? No. One rides. The other nine push.
I don't want your broker down to lobby. Please. It's a very nice car. Here it is over here leaning against the wall. Come on. Hop in, everybody. I'll take you for a spin. Alright. Alright, Gustav. Step on the side. Okay. The oil is too thick. Oh, will you get this tin pen going, Costello?
[00:15:26] Unknown:
Costello? Costello, watch where you're driving. You're up on the sidewalk.
[00:15:30] Unknown:
Oh, you're alone driving the sidewalk. Oh, you're a stranger in California, bud. I look out. Look out. Look out. Give that pedestrian the right of way. Okay. No. You bitch ass dummy. Can't you see where you're going? I got you, didn't I?
[00:15:46] Unknown:
Nutella, you blockhead you bumped in that woman. You told me to. I did not. I said give her the right away. Oh, I think you said give it to her right away. Oh, here comes the motorcycle.
[00:15:57] Unknown:
Alright. Over the curfew. I'm officer Melonhead. What do you think you're going to? A fire? Hey, Abbot. There's a fire. Come on. Let's go see it. Priscilla, there isn't any fire. This guy just told me there's a fire. I did not. I just asked you if you were going to a fire. Sure. I'll go. I like to watch fire. Listen, surely there isn't any fire. Didn't you just ask me if I was going for fire? Yes. I did, but I always ask that. Whether there's a fire or not? Yes. Let me smell your breath. How dare you how dare you insinuate that I drink? A bottle has never touched my lip. Oh, a cork sniffer. Oh, in presenting a police officer, and there's witnesses too. Who are these two people in the back seat?
That's mister and missus Ken Niles. Oh, indeed. And which one is missus Niles? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, officer Mullenhead. I don't go for that kind of remark. Which one is missus Niles? These peoples are friends of mine. I'm taking up a ride in my car. Hey, Evan. How you like your guy? Asking me which one is missus Niles. Good for you, Catello. You keep on of this, Kim. So that's your rest This man wrecked my car, and now he's trying to palm off his old pile of junk on it. Oh, he is. Is he trying to swindle a woman? Castello, you're going to jail. You are, Castello. You've got yourself into it again. Now what's the matter with you? I guess I'm just a failure. I'm the kind of person my mother don't want me to associate with. I'm just the onion on the handover of life. I'm just a piece of flotsam going somewhere to get some. Well, Costello, what are you going to do about the car you rent? Missus Niles, I'm gonna do the dishes thing. I'm gonna get a brand new car. What kind of a car are you gonna get her? I'll buy a brand new Ford. What's the matter with the Chevrolet? Nothing. Let everybody buy Chevrolet. Just Chevrolets. They shouldn't buy any other car. Let them buy Buicks, Cadillacs, Pontiacs, Volksbills, Dodgers, Studebakers, Nash, Tacos, Hot Wheels. Sure. What do you care if Chrysler's star?
I don't want Chrysler's star. Let it show 4,000,000 automobile. Oh, now you wanna jam the highway so my wife will have to drive three miles an hour, Look. Let it drive 30 miles, fifteen seventy, 80 miles an hour. Oh, you like this guy? My wife is cockeyed. He wants you to drive 80 miles an hour. Alright. Don't let her drive. Let her walk. Oh, she should walk down the street, have the sailors whistling at her. No. No. I don't want the sailors to whistle letters. Now you don't want the sailors to have any fun. Let the sailors have fun. Oh, and I know what you're thinking. Go on. Say it. My wife kisses every sailor in town. Your wife don't kiss every sailor in town. Oh, you know the one. She kisses, but you won't tell. Wait a minute, Mellenhance. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait hair. Say it. My wife is ugly without her hair. No. No. No. I think she's a slick little girl. Oh, slick. My wife looks like a billiard ball with legs. Go on. Go on. It's not a rumor. Tell all the people that I married my wife. I only married my wife for her money. Melonhead, I knew your wife before you married her? She was a pauper. She didn't have a rat's chest.
Now he tells me. Now just for that, Priscilla, I've got a good notion to slap your ears down. Oh, you would've seen it if you didn't have to preach the uniform. Oh, I wouldn't, No. You wouldn't. No. I don't see you take your coat off. Oh, I'll take the coat off. You want to take it off? Go ahead. Take it off. Okay. My coat is off. No. Well, now what have you got to say? Did anybody ever tell you that you have pretty suspended show?
