In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring the classic duo, Abbott and Costello, as they embark on a hilarious quest to secure a pair of nylon stockings. The episode is filled with witty banter, slapstick humor, and a series of misunderstandings that lead to laugh-out-loud moments. From encounters with eccentric store clerks to a surprise appearance by Bugs Bunny, the duo's antics keep the audience entertained throughout.
As the story unfolds, Costello's attempts to woo Lucille Ball for the coveted nylons result in a series of comedic mishaps. The episode captures the essence of classic radio comedy with its fast-paced dialogue and clever punchlines. Listeners are treated to a nostalgic trip back to the golden age of comedy, where misunderstandings and quick wit reign supreme. Join us for a delightful episode that promises laughter and a touch of nostalgia.
(00:47) Costello's Romantic Troubles
(03:01) The Nylon Stockings Quest Begins
(07:02) Bugs Bunny's Elevator Adventure
(14:53) Lucille Ball's House Visit
(19:56) The Final Showdown
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[00:00:02]
Unknown:
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[00:00:15] Unknown:
Judy was boring. Hello. Then Judy discovered chumbacasino.com. It's my little escape. Now Judy's the life of the party. Oh, baby. Mama's bringing home the bacon. Woah. Take it easy, Judy. The Chumba Life is for everybody. So go to Chumbacasino.com and play over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumbacasino.com. No purchase necessary. We were committed by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See website for details. Hey. Oh, come here. Hey, Art, Costello. Late as usual. Why what kept you this time? I was waiting for an alert carrier, Abbot. Yes? Yeah. And it turned out to be a dame. Before did I have trouble with her? And what kind of trouble? She tried to kiss me. Yeah. She kept right out kissing me on the eyes, on the nose, on the chin. Why ain't a minute? Why didn't she kiss you on the lips? Well, she's new at the post office, and she can't find the right zone. The right zone.
[00:01:14] Unknown:
There you go again, Costello. I can read your mind like a book. All I can see is women, women, and women. Where did you turn the page for? You'll find some girls. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:01:25] Unknown:
Girls. Girls. Girls. Girls. Every night you're out late with girls. Last night you were out with two. Yeah. But I only caught one. No. No. No. No. No. Boy, was she beautiful? I made it down at the Lone Palm. King Jonas joined. Oh. Was she a gorgeous aircraft worker? She was? What a fuselage. A fuselage. That little aircraft worker did something to me, brother. No kidding. I took her in my arms. I felt a pounding in my chest. You mean your heart was beating? No. She forgot to turn off her riveting machine.
[00:01:54] Unknown:
Not here, Costello. You have to stop this. Either you stop going around with all these girls and talking about them all of the time or we're through. I didn't know you felt that way, Abbot. Yes. Alright. I promise. I won't get another girl if I live to be a thousand years old.
[00:02:08] Unknown:
Hello, my fat little sugar man.
[00:02:12] Unknown:
How time flies. Jeez, honey. You look cute tonight. Do you really think so, honey? Yeah. Now I know what they mean by the solid salt. Whoo.
[00:02:25] Unknown:
Alright, Costello. Look. You're good, Alright. Look. If you're so anxious to go out with girls, why don't you pick out some nice girl like Connie Haines? Connie won't go out with me. Yes. I will, mister Costello.
[00:02:37] Unknown:
I had a fight with my family tonight, and I wanna just praise them.
[00:02:44] Unknown:
See, what did I tell you, Abbot? There's no use. I'm surprised at you. Did George Washington give up at Valley Forge? He had a tough time. Never mind.
[00:02:52] Unknown:
Did Paul Revere give up? No. But Paul Revere had a horse he could depend on. Well,
[00:02:57] Unknown:
well, you got me. I'd rather have the horse. I are.
[00:03:02] Unknown:
Well, miss Costello, I'll go out with you on one condition.
[00:03:05] Unknown:
If you all get me a pair of nylon stockings. A pair of nylon stockings? That's our deal. No. No. Don't be silly, Costello. You can get nylon. You can't. I can get one pair, two pair. I can get a dozen pair of nylon. That OPA hears everything.
[00:03:28] Unknown:
Goodbye my fatless sugar man. I'll see you at 08:00 tonight with a nylon.
[00:03:34] Unknown:
Gee, Abbot. I guess I talk too fast. Where am I gonna get a pair of nylons? I wanna go out with Connie Haines. Well, why don't you be smart? Be nice to missus Niles. That's right, Costello. My wife has a pair of nylon stockings. Oh, wait a minute, Niles. You mean a dame with those ugly legs spends money for stockings? Well, now, what do you expect her to wear? Hip boots. Hip boots.
[00:03:56] Unknown:
I heard that remark, hospital.
[00:03:58] Unknown:
Well, if it isn't, Mrs. Niles in the flesh. And I use the word loosely.
[00:04:05] Unknown:
Oh, you funny, funny man. And I use the word physically. You know, there's nothing wrong with my legs. Why, I was once a ballet dancer. I used to kick my leg way up in the air. Yeah. And on the way down, you catch it.
[00:04:22] Unknown:
Now. Now, why do you fight with Mrs. Niles?
[00:04:25] Unknown:
Her legs are very attractive. Are you kidding? She's so full. I get every time she wants, she looks like an eggbeater.
[00:04:33] Unknown:
Am I insulting you? My legs are perfectly straight, Cartelo. Look at them. They're just like arrows.
[00:04:41] Unknown:
Feathers and all.
[00:04:45] Unknown:
Feathers? Of all the nerve, I'm not an old hen. Oh, no. Get back in here, cool. Come on. Get back in here, cool. And go stop that. I said Kenneth, will you please say something? Kenneth, will you please say something? Kenneth, will you please say something? Kenneth, will you please say something? Kenneth Niles, you come with me.
[00:05:05] Unknown:
Niles? Door slam. Never mind. Excuse me.
[00:05:08] Unknown:
Come here. Stop. Tell him. What was written here? Never mind what's written in the hat.
[00:05:13] Unknown:
Now you've driven Mrs. Niles out of the studio again. Oh, fight it for navigator. Fight it for navigator. Fight it's game. Thanks, same.
[00:05:21] Unknown:
I think that's very funny, but I'm only three and a half kids off.
[00:05:26] Unknown:
Old. It's little Matilda.
[00:05:34] Unknown:
Matilda, what are you doing out of school? My teacher sent me home because I kicked a little boy out. You kissed a boy? Well, it wasn't exactly a pill. We were eating the same liquid stick and I chewed past my head.
[00:05:49] Unknown:
Now up, Matilda, will you please go home? I can't. I'll get lost. Oh, no. You won't. The train stops at every station. Why does it stop at every station, uncle Louie? Because it's a milk train. Do they have to milk it at every station? How do you like a little kid? Three and a half years old watching over here. You have to milk a train. Milk a train. Milk a train. Mister Boss, you you can't milk a train. That's silly. How are they gonna get a big train that sit on a little stool? Now look, Matt Matilda, please. Don't worry, Uncle Louie. He's trying to get a pair of nylon stocky. You could get a pair of nylon stockings to my friend Betty Grable. Betty Grable? How do you know she has nylon?
[00:06:27] Unknown:
Because that's where I saw her put her money. The Bank of America never had branches like that.
[00:06:33] Unknown:
Wait a minute, Matilda. Maybe you can help, aunt Louis. Do you really know Betty Grable? Yeah.
[00:06:39] Unknown:
Here's the two of us on bicycles. That's me on the handlebar.
[00:06:43] Unknown:
Mhmm. But, why have you got such a surprise look on your face?
[00:06:47] Unknown:
Cold handle what?
[00:06:49] Unknown:
Cold handle.
[00:07:03] Unknown:
And now back to Abbott and Costello and their search for nylon stockings.
[00:07:11] Unknown:
Well, Costello, I guess we came to the right place. Look at that sign. Square deal, big o bottoms, the happy. Oh, so happy store.
[00:07:20] Unknown:
Star. Yes. Castello, what was that? That was Bigel Bottom making a cheerful refund. Why?
[00:07:29] Unknown:
I wonder where the hosiery department is. Let's, ask this seller over here. Pardon me, mister. Are you the floor walker? What do you think I am with this carnation on a flower pot?
[00:07:38] Unknown:
After all, I'm not a jerk, you know. Well, you're not trained. Ma'am?
[00:07:44] Unknown:
That's Stella. Don't antagonize the man. He might be able to help you, you know. Oh, I think you got something there, Abbot.
[00:07:50] Unknown:
Mister, please, mister. I wish you could do something for me. I gotta get a pair of nylons. We haven't any nylons and stop licking my hand. It's no use, Abbot. Alright. Forget about the nylon and the date with Connie Hinge. Just a moment, gentlemen. I can give you a tip on a real bargain. Due to a slight oversight in our tailoring department, we have 4,000 pairs of three legged pants. Three legged pants? That's great. I'll tell all my three legged friends. But don't tell them all. Remember only one pair to a customer. Come on. Abi, let's get out of here. I'll go away from the sky one. Alright. Don't get excited. Wait a minute. We'll try the sales girl here. Oh, miss,
[00:08:35] Unknown:
can you tell us where we might get a pair of nylons? Sorry. I can't help you. You see, I'm in long underwear.
[00:08:43] Unknown:
Itchy, isn't it?
[00:08:45] Unknown:
Stop insulting people. Now there's only one that get one way to get those nylon, Lou. Listen to me. We'll have to see, mister Beelzebub. Personally, we've gotta do this. Now come on. Here's the elevator. Up.
[00:08:55] Unknown:
Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Cut it out. Have you tried baking soda?
[00:09:01] Unknown:
Look. Never mind that. Alright, folks. Depp Lively. Get a move on. Plenty of room on a chicken layer. You going up? What's up, doc? What's cooking, Sergio?
[00:09:10] Unknown:
Costello, look. It's Bugs Bunny.
[00:09:19] Unknown:
Hey, Bob. What are you doing running an elevator? Well, I'm replacing a woman. That's essential, doc. Come on. Stop wasting time. Get us up there. Okay, doc. Corn up.
[00:09:30] Unknown:
Go up too fast for your fat killer? No. I'd always wear my pants at half mast.
[00:09:37] Unknown:
Bugs, will you please let us out? Okay, Doc. Egg floor, chewing gum, chocolate bodge, sweet cream, butter, t bone steaks, and other picture postcards.
[00:09:49] Unknown:
Yeah. But I'm gonna murder this rabbit. Oh, no. Don't pay any attention to him. Now we've got to see mister Bigelbottom about those nylon stockings. There's there's a secretary. Pardon me, miss. Can we see, mister Bigelbottom?
[00:10:01] Unknown:
Okay. Did you have an apartment?
[00:10:04] Unknown:
An apartment? No. Then where did you wanna see him a bird? I wanna see him a bird from Nerland Stiggins.
[00:10:13] Unknown:
Oh, Nerrahm's. They're having a big sale in just a moment down that second Earl. Oh, thanks. Come on, Nerrahm.
[00:10:20] Unknown:
What kind of cock is that? Well,
[00:10:22] Unknown:
stop talking like that. Hurry up. We'll miss the sale.
[00:10:25] Unknown:
Here you are, people. Here you are. Nylon stockings. Nylon stockings. Hey, you. Go over there. I'll take a pair. First selling. I'm buying. I must keep from Nancy's.
[00:10:38] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. Stop fooling around. Look up for that sign there. One pair of nylons goes on sale in less than a minute. Hey, but there's 500 women ahead of me. Oh, why don't you care? Go on. Squeeze through. Oh, just a minute, young man. You can't squeeze in here. Okay, babe. Let's go outside.
[00:10:57] Unknown:
You watch how you're talking to my mother. She's a pistol pack of mama. What are you? One of the planks? What? Quiet, Is everybody quiet? Everybody quiet, please. Quiet. We are about to put on sale one pair of nylons. Remember, only one pair. The first one to get to the counter will receive the nylon and free medical attention. Alright, get ready now.
[00:11:31] Unknown:
Alright, Beto. You gotta win this race, doc. Hey, Pop. What are you doing on my back? I'm your jockey, doc. How can I run fast with you on my back? Don't worry. I gotta whip. Hey. Hey, Betso. Your stirrups are loose. Take your feet out of my garter, palce.
[00:11:49] Unknown:
They're wrong, and they're running at big o' bottoms. That was a bumpy start, and Costello broke fast. Rounding to hard ways, pulling away. At the half, it's Costello cut through the corner department. Hey. Send to the back stretch. It's Costello by four, by six, and now a final drive down to home. It's Costello all away. It's split between him and the nylons. He can't lose. He's across the finish line. And ladies and gentlemen, here is the winner, Miss Lucy
[00:12:24] Unknown:
Luciabaugh. Hey. What's the scandal about Luciabaugh? Come on, Joe. Give me those stockings. Hey, Gustavo. Take your hands off that girl. It is Lucille Ball. Yes. And you won't get the stockings by wrestling with me.
[00:12:35] Unknown:
Who wants stockings?
[00:12:38] Unknown:
Miss, Miss Ball, I'd like to apologize for this, unseemly conduct. I I'm but Abbott. Oh, how do you do, Mr. Abbott? You're the organ grinder, aren't you? Oh, yes. No. No.
[00:12:50] Unknown:
What makes you think I'm an organ grinder? Well, I thought I recognized that monkey with you.
[00:12:59] Unknown:
Now wait a minute, kid. Who's the monkey? I mean, after all, I'll I'll I'll I'll, unfinished speaker. Yep. Castello. Castello.
[00:13:09] Unknown:
Castello, come here. Come here. Come here. Quiet. Now you've got to play up to miss Ball if you wanna get those nylon. Remember, you can catch more flies with sugar than you can with vinegar. Who wants flies? I got enough points. Wait a minute. Look, miss Ball. It's very important for customers to get those nylon stockings.
[00:13:28] Unknown:
My cue. Thank you.
[00:13:30] Unknown:
Yes. And you don't need them, Seal. Who don't need them? Name me two good reasons. What are these two things I'm standing on? Chopped liver?
[00:13:39] Unknown:
That's You're I've just a minute left. But you better
[00:13:46] Unknown:
you better let me take care of this. You know, Lou, after all, we understand things. Women are putty in my hand. Yeah. But who wants a hair full of putty?
[00:13:55] Unknown:
Shut up. How do you know that I've got the savoir faire? You ain't even got coffee. No.
[00:14:02] Unknown:
No. Hey, look, Lucia. Why why won't you give me those nylons? Give you the nylon. You've got a lot of nerve. You're nothing but a cheap panhandler. You're not even a man. Oh, yeah? Oh, now there's a great ad lib.
[00:14:16] Unknown:
Look at the sheet. That's all. Leave what's on there.
[00:14:21] Unknown:
Well, I think I'll take the Nylons home. So long, slugs. See you in the slot machine.
[00:14:27] Unknown:
Well, you fix things fine, Costello. What are you gonna do now? Well, I'm gonna dash right out to Lucille Ball's house. Get those stockings and dash right back. Yes. But, what if she's putting them on? Pilot to navigator, cancel that glass dash. Well, Costello, here we are at Lucille Ball's house. Now remember, you've got to make an impression on her to get those nylon suckens. Comb your hair. It is combed, dammit. Look. Ain't it plastered down nice? What did you use to, plaster it down? Plaster. Plaster. How come how come your hair is so yellow? Mustard plastic.
Boy, watch me go to work on that Lucille Ball. I'll turn on the Tom. You better let me handle Costello. She's more of my type. I go for those trim ankles.
[00:15:23] Unknown:
You couldn't afford the upkeep on an ankle like that? Why not? That's a very classy joint. Oh, shit. Shut up here.
[00:15:32] Unknown:
I'll ring the bell. Never mind. Don't ring the bell. Can't you read the sign?
[00:15:36] Unknown:
Maid sleeping. I'll knock.
[00:15:42] Unknown:
Oh, it's about time you guys got here. You'll find the ladder and saw in the basement. Ladder and saw? Yeah. Aren't you fellas from the tree surgeon? I was expecting somebody here to trim my tree trunk. We're only interested in your limbs.
[00:15:57] Unknown:
Look, Miss Ball, I'm afraid you have us confused with somebody else. You met us in the department store, remember? I'm Abbott and I'm Costello.
[00:16:04] Unknown:
You must have a poor memory for faces. Yeah. Especially for poor faces.
[00:16:09] Unknown:
Listen, what do you guys want here? It's too late for Halloween. It's too early for Groundhog Day. Oh, wait a minute. What's that? Do I look like a Groundhog?
[00:16:17] Unknown:
No coaching, please.
[00:16:21] Unknown:
Quiet. Quiet, Costello. Get away from you. I'll take care of this. Miss Ball, we're just trying to be neighborly. You know how the laundry situation is and we're here to help you with your washing.
[00:16:31] Unknown:
For instance, we we wash stockings and yeah. Yes. Stockings. Yeah. Oh, that sounds interesting. Is your laundry service fast? Fast. We bring it back before it's clean.
[00:16:41] Unknown:
You see, miss Ball, we're especially expert in the care of nylon stockings. Yeah. Nylon. Nylon. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Are you fellas trying to talk me into something? No. We're trying to talk you out of something.
[00:16:54] Unknown:
Well, I'm not interested. You have to leave now. You haven't? I think we're sunk. What am I gonna do? Turn on the charm. Go ahead. Make love to her. Okay.
[00:17:03] Unknown:
Oh, Lucille. Please don't send me away. I've always admired you. Come, sit with me on this love sheet of paper. Please, baby. And put your feet or your face, your foot Now in my hands. Not something in my hands. Yeah. Now turn it on, Costello. Turn it on. Go ahead. Lucille, I've lived for this moment. We were meant for each other. I was born to kneel at your feet. Get this GI haircut with a civilian approach. Don't spare me, Lucille. Did everybody go out? Don't spare me, Lucille. I love you. I love you, Lucille. I love you. I adore you. When I look at your face, it sets my brain on fire. I thought I smelled punk burning. Anna, what should I say? Recite poetry to her. Recite poetry? Yeah. Okay. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. If I don't get you Tommy Manville must.
[00:18:04] Unknown:
Just a second. Who do you think you are, Santa Claus? No. Why? Then stay away from my stockings.
[00:18:10] Unknown:
What are you trying to do, fat boy? Fat boy. Who's fat? Look at my shape, Lucille. Of course, I go in here then I go out there and I go in here a little and then I go up there a little more than I go in here a little. And that's funny. I don't come back in again.
[00:18:29] Unknown:
Oh, stop being silly, Costello. Everybody knows you're fat. Sure. I was talking to your tailor at Universal. He says he majored you for two days before he even met you. Costello.
[00:18:41] Unknown:
These are any luck, eight gs? Luck, Lou. Why don't you stop all this nonsense?
[00:18:47] Unknown:
The best thing to do is put your cards on the table. Come on. Okay, Evan. It's this way, Lucille. I promised a pair of nylon suckers to a girl. And if you give me your nylons, I'll let you work in my next picture.
[00:18:57] Unknown:
Threatening me will get you nowhere.
[00:19:02] Unknown:
Oh, we could do a terrific love scene. Aliyah, loose steel. I'll show you the I'll give you my pick up, the the that made me famous.
[00:19:18] Unknown:
Ready? Ready. Contact.
[00:19:23] Unknown:
Wow. Where did you learn to kiss like that? Siphoning gas out of cars.
[00:19:29] Unknown:
Well, what do you say, Lucille? How about another kiss? No. Thanks. I'd rather give you the stocking.
[00:19:34] Unknown:
You fellas turn your backs and I'll take them off. Come on, Costello. Turn around. Yeah. And no rubbernecking.
[00:19:39] Unknown:
Don't worry. I want rubber ball.
[00:19:43] Unknown:
I thought it was fun.
[00:19:48] Unknown:
You're just the type that wouldn't rub her, Gil.
[00:19:52] Unknown:
Well, I hope you're happy, Consello. You finally got those nylons. Now let's go.
[00:19:57] Unknown:
Come in. Hello, Lucille darling. I just came over to
[00:20:01] Unknown:
Why my fat little sugar man? What are you all doing here two timing on me? You are a chance, sir. I never wanna see you again.
[00:20:09] Unknown:
What do you say to that? Well, shut my mouth.
[00:20:14] Unknown:
Abbot? She did. It served you right. Okay. So what are you gonna do about it? I mean, after all, look, honey, why don't you treat me this way? Look, I gotta get you the I got you the nylon stockings. Why show no, honey?
[00:20:27] Unknown:
Bless your fat little heart.
[00:20:31] Unknown:
Why did you all, a wedding you have them wrapped as a gift? Wrapped as a gift? I thought you were gonna wear them. Shucks. No. I'm giving them to Lucille Ball.
[00:20:40] Unknown:
Lucille Ball. Wait a minute. Then who am I gonna date with tonight? Not with me, sugar.
[00:20:45] Unknown:
Not with me, shorty.
[00:20:47] Unknown:
That's all. Nobody wants me. The world's against me.
[00:20:52] Unknown:
Don't talk like that, Lou. I'm your pal. My arms are around you. How do you feel? I still feel lonesome.
[00:21:00] Unknown:
Then rest your head on my shoulder, Lou. Okay, Abbot. Now how do you feel? Much better. Let's dance. Get out of here. Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:21:25] Unknown:
Laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:21:31] Unknown:
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[00:00:15] Unknown:
Judy was boring. Hello. Then Judy discovered chumbacasino.com. It's my little escape. Now Judy's the life of the party. Oh, baby. Mama's bringing home the bacon. Woah. Take it easy, Judy. The Chumba Life is for everybody. So go to Chumbacasino.com and play over a hundred casino style games. Join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Chumbacasino.com. No purchase necessary. We were committed by law. 18 plus terms and conditions apply. See website for details. Hey. Oh, come here. Hey, Art, Costello. Late as usual. Why what kept you this time? I was waiting for an alert carrier, Abbot. Yes? Yeah. And it turned out to be a dame. Before did I have trouble with her? And what kind of trouble? She tried to kiss me. Yeah. She kept right out kissing me on the eyes, on the nose, on the chin. Why ain't a minute? Why didn't she kiss you on the lips? Well, she's new at the post office, and she can't find the right zone. The right zone.
[00:01:14] Unknown:
There you go again, Costello. I can read your mind like a book. All I can see is women, women, and women. Where did you turn the page for? You'll find some girls. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:01:25] Unknown:
Girls. Girls. Girls. Girls. Every night you're out late with girls. Last night you were out with two. Yeah. But I only caught one. No. No. No. No. No. Boy, was she beautiful? I made it down at the Lone Palm. King Jonas joined. Oh. Was she a gorgeous aircraft worker? She was? What a fuselage. A fuselage. That little aircraft worker did something to me, brother. No kidding. I took her in my arms. I felt a pounding in my chest. You mean your heart was beating? No. She forgot to turn off her riveting machine.
[00:01:54] Unknown:
Not here, Costello. You have to stop this. Either you stop going around with all these girls and talking about them all of the time or we're through. I didn't know you felt that way, Abbot. Yes. Alright. I promise. I won't get another girl if I live to be a thousand years old.
[00:02:08] Unknown:
Hello, my fat little sugar man.
[00:02:12] Unknown:
How time flies. Jeez, honey. You look cute tonight. Do you really think so, honey? Yeah. Now I know what they mean by the solid salt. Whoo.
[00:02:25] Unknown:
Alright, Costello. Look. You're good, Alright. Look. If you're so anxious to go out with girls, why don't you pick out some nice girl like Connie Haines? Connie won't go out with me. Yes. I will, mister Costello.
[00:02:37] Unknown:
I had a fight with my family tonight, and I wanna just praise them.
[00:02:44] Unknown:
See, what did I tell you, Abbot? There's no use. I'm surprised at you. Did George Washington give up at Valley Forge? He had a tough time. Never mind.
[00:02:52] Unknown:
Did Paul Revere give up? No. But Paul Revere had a horse he could depend on. Well,
[00:02:57] Unknown:
well, you got me. I'd rather have the horse. I are.
[00:03:02] Unknown:
Well, miss Costello, I'll go out with you on one condition.
[00:03:05] Unknown:
If you all get me a pair of nylon stockings. A pair of nylon stockings? That's our deal. No. No. Don't be silly, Costello. You can get nylon. You can't. I can get one pair, two pair. I can get a dozen pair of nylon. That OPA hears everything.
[00:03:28] Unknown:
Goodbye my fatless sugar man. I'll see you at 08:00 tonight with a nylon.
[00:03:34] Unknown:
Gee, Abbot. I guess I talk too fast. Where am I gonna get a pair of nylons? I wanna go out with Connie Haines. Well, why don't you be smart? Be nice to missus Niles. That's right, Costello. My wife has a pair of nylon stockings. Oh, wait a minute, Niles. You mean a dame with those ugly legs spends money for stockings? Well, now, what do you expect her to wear? Hip boots. Hip boots.
[00:03:56] Unknown:
I heard that remark, hospital.
[00:03:58] Unknown:
Well, if it isn't, Mrs. Niles in the flesh. And I use the word loosely.
[00:04:05] Unknown:
Oh, you funny, funny man. And I use the word physically. You know, there's nothing wrong with my legs. Why, I was once a ballet dancer. I used to kick my leg way up in the air. Yeah. And on the way down, you catch it.
[00:04:22] Unknown:
Now. Now, why do you fight with Mrs. Niles?
[00:04:25] Unknown:
Her legs are very attractive. Are you kidding? She's so full. I get every time she wants, she looks like an eggbeater.
[00:04:33] Unknown:
Am I insulting you? My legs are perfectly straight, Cartelo. Look at them. They're just like arrows.
[00:04:41] Unknown:
Feathers and all.
[00:04:45] Unknown:
Feathers? Of all the nerve, I'm not an old hen. Oh, no. Get back in here, cool. Come on. Get back in here, cool. And go stop that. I said Kenneth, will you please say something? Kenneth, will you please say something? Kenneth, will you please say something? Kenneth, will you please say something? Kenneth Niles, you come with me.
[00:05:05] Unknown:
Niles? Door slam. Never mind. Excuse me.
[00:05:08] Unknown:
Come here. Stop. Tell him. What was written here? Never mind what's written in the hat.
[00:05:13] Unknown:
Now you've driven Mrs. Niles out of the studio again. Oh, fight it for navigator. Fight it for navigator. Fight it's game. Thanks, same.
[00:05:21] Unknown:
I think that's very funny, but I'm only three and a half kids off.
[00:05:26] Unknown:
Old. It's little Matilda.
[00:05:34] Unknown:
Matilda, what are you doing out of school? My teacher sent me home because I kicked a little boy out. You kissed a boy? Well, it wasn't exactly a pill. We were eating the same liquid stick and I chewed past my head.
[00:05:49] Unknown:
Now up, Matilda, will you please go home? I can't. I'll get lost. Oh, no. You won't. The train stops at every station. Why does it stop at every station, uncle Louie? Because it's a milk train. Do they have to milk it at every station? How do you like a little kid? Three and a half years old watching over here. You have to milk a train. Milk a train. Milk a train. Mister Boss, you you can't milk a train. That's silly. How are they gonna get a big train that sit on a little stool? Now look, Matt Matilda, please. Don't worry, Uncle Louie. He's trying to get a pair of nylon stocky. You could get a pair of nylon stockings to my friend Betty Grable. Betty Grable? How do you know she has nylon?
[00:06:27] Unknown:
Because that's where I saw her put her money. The Bank of America never had branches like that.
[00:06:33] Unknown:
Wait a minute, Matilda. Maybe you can help, aunt Louis. Do you really know Betty Grable? Yeah.
[00:06:39] Unknown:
Here's the two of us on bicycles. That's me on the handlebar.
[00:06:43] Unknown:
Mhmm. But, why have you got such a surprise look on your face?
[00:06:47] Unknown:
Cold handle what?
[00:06:49] Unknown:
Cold handle.
[00:07:03] Unknown:
And now back to Abbott and Costello and their search for nylon stockings.
[00:07:11] Unknown:
Well, Costello, I guess we came to the right place. Look at that sign. Square deal, big o bottoms, the happy. Oh, so happy store.
[00:07:20] Unknown:
Star. Yes. Castello, what was that? That was Bigel Bottom making a cheerful refund. Why?
[00:07:29] Unknown:
I wonder where the hosiery department is. Let's, ask this seller over here. Pardon me, mister. Are you the floor walker? What do you think I am with this carnation on a flower pot?
[00:07:38] Unknown:
After all, I'm not a jerk, you know. Well, you're not trained. Ma'am?
[00:07:44] Unknown:
That's Stella. Don't antagonize the man. He might be able to help you, you know. Oh, I think you got something there, Abbot.
[00:07:50] Unknown:
Mister, please, mister. I wish you could do something for me. I gotta get a pair of nylons. We haven't any nylons and stop licking my hand. It's no use, Abbot. Alright. Forget about the nylon and the date with Connie Hinge. Just a moment, gentlemen. I can give you a tip on a real bargain. Due to a slight oversight in our tailoring department, we have 4,000 pairs of three legged pants. Three legged pants? That's great. I'll tell all my three legged friends. But don't tell them all. Remember only one pair to a customer. Come on. Abi, let's get out of here. I'll go away from the sky one. Alright. Don't get excited. Wait a minute. We'll try the sales girl here. Oh, miss,
[00:08:35] Unknown:
can you tell us where we might get a pair of nylons? Sorry. I can't help you. You see, I'm in long underwear.
[00:08:43] Unknown:
Itchy, isn't it?
[00:08:45] Unknown:
Stop insulting people. Now there's only one that get one way to get those nylon, Lou. Listen to me. We'll have to see, mister Beelzebub. Personally, we've gotta do this. Now come on. Here's the elevator. Up.
[00:08:55] Unknown:
Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Cut it out. Have you tried baking soda?
[00:09:01] Unknown:
Look. Never mind that. Alright, folks. Depp Lively. Get a move on. Plenty of room on a chicken layer. You going up? What's up, doc? What's cooking, Sergio?
[00:09:10] Unknown:
Costello, look. It's Bugs Bunny.
[00:09:19] Unknown:
Hey, Bob. What are you doing running an elevator? Well, I'm replacing a woman. That's essential, doc. Come on. Stop wasting time. Get us up there. Okay, doc. Corn up.
[00:09:30] Unknown:
Go up too fast for your fat killer? No. I'd always wear my pants at half mast.
[00:09:37] Unknown:
Bugs, will you please let us out? Okay, Doc. Egg floor, chewing gum, chocolate bodge, sweet cream, butter, t bone steaks, and other picture postcards.
[00:09:49] Unknown:
Yeah. But I'm gonna murder this rabbit. Oh, no. Don't pay any attention to him. Now we've got to see mister Bigelbottom about those nylon stockings. There's there's a secretary. Pardon me, miss. Can we see, mister Bigelbottom?
[00:10:01] Unknown:
Okay. Did you have an apartment?
[00:10:04] Unknown:
An apartment? No. Then where did you wanna see him a bird? I wanna see him a bird from Nerland Stiggins.
[00:10:13] Unknown:
Oh, Nerrahm's. They're having a big sale in just a moment down that second Earl. Oh, thanks. Come on, Nerrahm.
[00:10:20] Unknown:
What kind of cock is that? Well,
[00:10:22] Unknown:
stop talking like that. Hurry up. We'll miss the sale.
[00:10:25] Unknown:
Here you are, people. Here you are. Nylon stockings. Nylon stockings. Hey, you. Go over there. I'll take a pair. First selling. I'm buying. I must keep from Nancy's.
[00:10:38] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. Stop fooling around. Look up for that sign there. One pair of nylons goes on sale in less than a minute. Hey, but there's 500 women ahead of me. Oh, why don't you care? Go on. Squeeze through. Oh, just a minute, young man. You can't squeeze in here. Okay, babe. Let's go outside.
[00:10:57] Unknown:
You watch how you're talking to my mother. She's a pistol pack of mama. What are you? One of the planks? What? Quiet, Is everybody quiet? Everybody quiet, please. Quiet. We are about to put on sale one pair of nylons. Remember, only one pair. The first one to get to the counter will receive the nylon and free medical attention. Alright, get ready now.
[00:11:31] Unknown:
Alright, Beto. You gotta win this race, doc. Hey, Pop. What are you doing on my back? I'm your jockey, doc. How can I run fast with you on my back? Don't worry. I gotta whip. Hey. Hey, Betso. Your stirrups are loose. Take your feet out of my garter, palce.
[00:11:49] Unknown:
They're wrong, and they're running at big o' bottoms. That was a bumpy start, and Costello broke fast. Rounding to hard ways, pulling away. At the half, it's Costello cut through the corner department. Hey. Send to the back stretch. It's Costello by four, by six, and now a final drive down to home. It's Costello all away. It's split between him and the nylons. He can't lose. He's across the finish line. And ladies and gentlemen, here is the winner, Miss Lucy
[00:12:24] Unknown:
Luciabaugh. Hey. What's the scandal about Luciabaugh? Come on, Joe. Give me those stockings. Hey, Gustavo. Take your hands off that girl. It is Lucille Ball. Yes. And you won't get the stockings by wrestling with me.
[00:12:35] Unknown:
Who wants stockings?
[00:12:38] Unknown:
Miss, Miss Ball, I'd like to apologize for this, unseemly conduct. I I'm but Abbott. Oh, how do you do, Mr. Abbott? You're the organ grinder, aren't you? Oh, yes. No. No.
[00:12:50] Unknown:
What makes you think I'm an organ grinder? Well, I thought I recognized that monkey with you.
[00:12:59] Unknown:
Now wait a minute, kid. Who's the monkey? I mean, after all, I'll I'll I'll I'll, unfinished speaker. Yep. Castello. Castello.
[00:13:09] Unknown:
Castello, come here. Come here. Come here. Quiet. Now you've got to play up to miss Ball if you wanna get those nylon. Remember, you can catch more flies with sugar than you can with vinegar. Who wants flies? I got enough points. Wait a minute. Look, miss Ball. It's very important for customers to get those nylon stockings.
[00:13:28] Unknown:
My cue. Thank you.
[00:13:30] Unknown:
Yes. And you don't need them, Seal. Who don't need them? Name me two good reasons. What are these two things I'm standing on? Chopped liver?
[00:13:39] Unknown:
That's You're I've just a minute left. But you better
[00:13:46] Unknown:
you better let me take care of this. You know, Lou, after all, we understand things. Women are putty in my hand. Yeah. But who wants a hair full of putty?
[00:13:55] Unknown:
Shut up. How do you know that I've got the savoir faire? You ain't even got coffee. No.
[00:14:02] Unknown:
No. Hey, look, Lucia. Why why won't you give me those nylons? Give you the nylon. You've got a lot of nerve. You're nothing but a cheap panhandler. You're not even a man. Oh, yeah? Oh, now there's a great ad lib.
[00:14:16] Unknown:
Look at the sheet. That's all. Leave what's on there.
[00:14:21] Unknown:
Well, I think I'll take the Nylons home. So long, slugs. See you in the slot machine.
[00:14:27] Unknown:
Well, you fix things fine, Costello. What are you gonna do now? Well, I'm gonna dash right out to Lucille Ball's house. Get those stockings and dash right back. Yes. But, what if she's putting them on? Pilot to navigator, cancel that glass dash. Well, Costello, here we are at Lucille Ball's house. Now remember, you've got to make an impression on her to get those nylon suckens. Comb your hair. It is combed, dammit. Look. Ain't it plastered down nice? What did you use to, plaster it down? Plaster. Plaster. How come how come your hair is so yellow? Mustard plastic.
Boy, watch me go to work on that Lucille Ball. I'll turn on the Tom. You better let me handle Costello. She's more of my type. I go for those trim ankles.
[00:15:23] Unknown:
You couldn't afford the upkeep on an ankle like that? Why not? That's a very classy joint. Oh, shit. Shut up here.
[00:15:32] Unknown:
I'll ring the bell. Never mind. Don't ring the bell. Can't you read the sign?
[00:15:36] Unknown:
Maid sleeping. I'll knock.
[00:15:42] Unknown:
Oh, it's about time you guys got here. You'll find the ladder and saw in the basement. Ladder and saw? Yeah. Aren't you fellas from the tree surgeon? I was expecting somebody here to trim my tree trunk. We're only interested in your limbs.
[00:15:57] Unknown:
Look, Miss Ball, I'm afraid you have us confused with somebody else. You met us in the department store, remember? I'm Abbott and I'm Costello.
[00:16:04] Unknown:
You must have a poor memory for faces. Yeah. Especially for poor faces.
[00:16:09] Unknown:
Listen, what do you guys want here? It's too late for Halloween. It's too early for Groundhog Day. Oh, wait a minute. What's that? Do I look like a Groundhog?
[00:16:17] Unknown:
No coaching, please.
[00:16:21] Unknown:
Quiet. Quiet, Costello. Get away from you. I'll take care of this. Miss Ball, we're just trying to be neighborly. You know how the laundry situation is and we're here to help you with your washing.
[00:16:31] Unknown:
For instance, we we wash stockings and yeah. Yes. Stockings. Yeah. Oh, that sounds interesting. Is your laundry service fast? Fast. We bring it back before it's clean.
[00:16:41] Unknown:
You see, miss Ball, we're especially expert in the care of nylon stockings. Yeah. Nylon. Nylon. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Are you fellas trying to talk me into something? No. We're trying to talk you out of something.
[00:16:54] Unknown:
Well, I'm not interested. You have to leave now. You haven't? I think we're sunk. What am I gonna do? Turn on the charm. Go ahead. Make love to her. Okay.
[00:17:03] Unknown:
Oh, Lucille. Please don't send me away. I've always admired you. Come, sit with me on this love sheet of paper. Please, baby. And put your feet or your face, your foot Now in my hands. Not something in my hands. Yeah. Now turn it on, Costello. Turn it on. Go ahead. Lucille, I've lived for this moment. We were meant for each other. I was born to kneel at your feet. Get this GI haircut with a civilian approach. Don't spare me, Lucille. Did everybody go out? Don't spare me, Lucille. I love you. I love you, Lucille. I love you. I adore you. When I look at your face, it sets my brain on fire. I thought I smelled punk burning. Anna, what should I say? Recite poetry to her. Recite poetry? Yeah. Okay. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. If I don't get you Tommy Manville must.
[00:18:04] Unknown:
Just a second. Who do you think you are, Santa Claus? No. Why? Then stay away from my stockings.
[00:18:10] Unknown:
What are you trying to do, fat boy? Fat boy. Who's fat? Look at my shape, Lucille. Of course, I go in here then I go out there and I go in here a little and then I go up there a little more than I go in here a little. And that's funny. I don't come back in again.
[00:18:29] Unknown:
Oh, stop being silly, Costello. Everybody knows you're fat. Sure. I was talking to your tailor at Universal. He says he majored you for two days before he even met you. Costello.
[00:18:41] Unknown:
These are any luck, eight gs? Luck, Lou. Why don't you stop all this nonsense?
[00:18:47] Unknown:
The best thing to do is put your cards on the table. Come on. Okay, Evan. It's this way, Lucille. I promised a pair of nylon suckers to a girl. And if you give me your nylons, I'll let you work in my next picture.
[00:18:57] Unknown:
Threatening me will get you nowhere.
[00:19:02] Unknown:
Oh, we could do a terrific love scene. Aliyah, loose steel. I'll show you the I'll give you my pick up, the the that made me famous.
[00:19:18] Unknown:
Ready? Ready. Contact.
[00:19:23] Unknown:
Wow. Where did you learn to kiss like that? Siphoning gas out of cars.
[00:19:29] Unknown:
Well, what do you say, Lucille? How about another kiss? No. Thanks. I'd rather give you the stocking.
[00:19:34] Unknown:
You fellas turn your backs and I'll take them off. Come on, Costello. Turn around. Yeah. And no rubbernecking.
[00:19:39] Unknown:
Don't worry. I want rubber ball.
[00:19:43] Unknown:
I thought it was fun.
[00:19:48] Unknown:
You're just the type that wouldn't rub her, Gil.
[00:19:52] Unknown:
Well, I hope you're happy, Consello. You finally got those nylons. Now let's go.
[00:19:57] Unknown:
Come in. Hello, Lucille darling. I just came over to
[00:20:01] Unknown:
Why my fat little sugar man? What are you all doing here two timing on me? You are a chance, sir. I never wanna see you again.
[00:20:09] Unknown:
What do you say to that? Well, shut my mouth.
[00:20:14] Unknown:
Abbot? She did. It served you right. Okay. So what are you gonna do about it? I mean, after all, look, honey, why don't you treat me this way? Look, I gotta get you the I got you the nylon stockings. Why show no, honey?
[00:20:27] Unknown:
Bless your fat little heart.
[00:20:31] Unknown:
Why did you all, a wedding you have them wrapped as a gift? Wrapped as a gift? I thought you were gonna wear them. Shucks. No. I'm giving them to Lucille Ball.
[00:20:40] Unknown:
Lucille Ball. Wait a minute. Then who am I gonna date with tonight? Not with me, sugar.
[00:20:45] Unknown:
Not with me, shorty.
[00:20:47] Unknown:
That's all. Nobody wants me. The world's against me.
[00:20:52] Unknown:
Don't talk like that, Lou. I'm your pal. My arms are around you. How do you feel? I still feel lonesome.
[00:21:00] Unknown:
Then rest your head on my shoulder, Lou. Okay, Abbot. Now how do you feel? Much better. Let's dance. Get out of here. Okay. Round two. Name something that's not boring.
[00:21:25] Unknown:
Laundry? Oh, a book club. Computer solitaire.
[00:21:31] Unknown:
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