In this lively episode, we dive into the comedic world of Abbott and Costello as they navigate a series of humorous misadventures. The episode kicks off with a playful exchange about nylons, leading to a series of comedic interactions with various characters, including the iconic Lucille Ball. Costello's antics and Abbott's attempts to keep him in line create a whirlwind of laughter, especially as they attempt to procure a pair of nylon stockings amidst a chaotic department store sale.
As the episode unfolds, the duo's comedic timing shines through, with Costello's bumbling charm and Abbott's straight-man persona providing endless entertainment. The episode also features a cameo by Bugs Bunny, adding an extra layer of humor. With witty banter and slapstick comedy, this episode is a delightful throwback to classic radio comedy, showcasing the timeless humor of Abbott and Costello.
(00:34) Ryan's Casino Adventure
(01:16) Abbott and Costello's Comedy Show
(08:03) The Nylon Stocking Quest
(15:55) Lucille Ball's House Visit
(22:37) Closing Remarks and Thanksgiving Preview
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
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[00:00:31] Unknown:
VW Group. Boy, we're prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. Hello. It is Ryan, and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chambacasino.com. I looked over the person sitting next to me, and you know what they were doing? They were also playing Chumba Casino. Coincidence? I think not. Everybody's loving having fun with it. Chumba Casino is home to hundreds of casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere, even at 30,000 feet. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com to claim your free welcome bonus. That's chumbacasino.com and live the Chumba life. No purchase necessary. DFW, Woodworker, if I lost, see terms and conditions, 18 plus.
[00:01:16] Unknown:
The Abbott and Costello program brought to you by Camel's, the cigarette that's first in the service. Listen to today, the confetti rich in his orchestra. Billy Grey is Little Matilda. Mel Blanc is the famous Leon Schlesinger cartoon character Bugs Bunny. Tonight's guest, Metro Gold and Mayer star of the best foot forward, miss Lucille Ball, and starring Bud Abbott and Doug Costello.
[00:01:52] Unknown:
Oh, come here.
[00:01:53] Unknown:
There you are, Costello. Late as usual. Why? What kept you this time? Oh, I was waiting for a new letter, Carrie Abbott. Yes? Yeah. And it turned out to be a dame. Boy, did I have trouble with her. And what kind of trouble? She tried to kiss me. Yeah. She kept right out, kissed me on the eyes, on the nose, on the chin. Wait a minute. Why didn't she kiss you on the lips? Well, she's still at the post office and she can't find the right zone. The right zone. There you go again, Costello.
[00:02:17] Unknown:
I can read your mind like a book. All I can see is women,
[00:02:21] Unknown:
women, and women. Where did you turn the page for? You'll find some girls. There you go.
[00:02:27] Unknown:
Girls, girls, girls. Every night you're out late with girls. Last night you were out with two. Yeah. But I only caught one. No. No. No. No. Boy, was she beautiful? I met her down at the Lone Palm. King Jonas joined. Oh.
[00:02:39] Unknown:
Was she a gorgeous aircraft worker? She was? What a fuselage. A fuselage. That little aircraft worker that did something to me, brother. No kidding. I took her in my arms. I felt the pounding in my chest. You mean your horse was beating. No. She forgot to turn off her riveting machine.
[00:02:56] Unknown:
Not here, Costello. You have to stop this. Either you stop going around with all these girls and talking about them all of the time or we're through. I didn't know you felt that way, Abbot? Yes. Alright. I promise. I won't get another girl if I live to be a thousand years old.
[00:03:10] Unknown:
Hello, my fat little sugar man.
[00:03:13] Unknown:
How time flies. Geez, honey. You look cute tonight. Do you really think so, honey? Yeah. Now I know what they mean by the solid South. Alright, Costello. Look. Oh, good.
[00:03:29] Unknown:
Alright. Look. If you're so anxious to go out with girls, why don't you pick out some nice girl like Connie Haines?
[00:03:35] Unknown:
Connie won't go out with me. Yes. I will, mister Costello.
[00:03:39] Unknown:
I had a fight with my family tonight and I wanna disgrace them.
[00:03:45] Unknown:
Hey. What did I tell
[00:03:47] Unknown:
I'm surprised at you. Did George Washington give up at Valley Forge? He had a tough time. Never mind.
[00:03:53] Unknown:
Did Paul Revere give up? No. But Paul Revere had a horse he could depend on. Well, well, you've got me. I'd rather have the horse. I
[00:04:03] Unknown:
Well, miss Costello, I'll go out with you on one condition,
[00:04:07] Unknown:
if you all get me a pair of nylon stockings. A pair of nylon stockings? That's our deal. Now now don't be silly, Costello. You can get nylon. You can't. I can get one pair, two pair. I can get a dozen pair of nylon. That OPA hears everything.
[00:04:29] Unknown:
Goodbye, my fat little sugar man. I'll see you at 08:00 tonight with a nylon.
[00:04:36] Unknown:
Gee, Abbot. I guess I talk too fast. Where am I gonna get a pair of nylons? I wanna go out with Connie Hanes. Well, why don't you be smart? Be nice to Mrs. Niles. That's right, Costello. My wife has a pair of nylon stockings. Now, wait a minute, Niles. You mean a dame with those ugly legs spends money for stockings? Well, now, what do you expect her to wear? Hip boots. Hip boots.
[00:04:57] Unknown:
I heard that remark, pillow.
[00:05:00] Unknown:
Well, if it isn't Mrs. Niles in the flesh, and I use the word loosely.
[00:05:07] Unknown:
Oh, you funny, funny man. And I use the word physically. I do know there's nothing wrong with my legs. Well, I was once a ballet dancer. I used to kick my leg way up in the air. Yeah. And on the way down, you'd touch it, pal.
[00:05:25] Unknown:
Why do you fight with missus Niles?
[00:05:27] Unknown:
Her legs are very attractive. Are you kidding? She's so boring. And every time she runs, she looks like an eggbeater. Am I insulting you?
[00:05:38] Unknown:
My legs are perfectly straight, Cartelo. Look at them. They're just like arrows.
[00:05:43] Unknown:
Feathers and all.
[00:05:46] Unknown:
Feathers? Of all the nerve, I'm not an old hen. Oh, no. Get back in here, cool. Come on. Get back in here. Stop that. Stop that. Kenneth Niles, you come with me.
[00:06:07] Unknown:
No. Door slammed. Never mind. Excuse me. Come here, Toss Della. I thought it was written here. Never mind what question I asked. Excuse me. And you've driven missus Niles out of the studio again. Oh, fight it for navigator. Fight it for navigator. Fight it for navigator. Fight it for name. Thanks, same.
[00:06:23] Unknown:
I think that's very funny, but I'm only three and a half kids old.
[00:06:28] Unknown:
It's little Matilda.
[00:06:36] Unknown:
Matilda, what are you doing out of school? My teacher sent me home because I kissed a little boy. You kissed a boy?
[00:06:43] Unknown:
Well, I wasn't exactly a kid. We were eating the same liquid stick, and I chewed past my head. Now what, Matilda, will you please go home? I can't. I'll get along. Oh, no. You won't. The train stops at every station. Why does it stop at every station, uncle Louis? Because it's a milk train. Do they have to milk it at every station?
[00:07:04] Unknown:
How do you like a little kid? Trina, half years old, watching all do you have to milk a train? Milk a train. Milk a train. Listen, boss. You you can't milk a train. That's silly. How they gonna get a big train to sit on a little stool?
[00:07:16] Unknown:
Now look, Matt, Mattilda, please. Don't worry, uncle Louie. He's trying to get a pair of nylon stockings. You could get a pair of nylon stockings from my friend, Betty Grable. Betty Grable? How do you know she has nylons? Because that's where I saw her put her money. The Bank of America never had branches like that?
[00:07:34] Unknown:
Wait a minute, Matilda. Maybe you can help, Uncle Louie. Do you really know Betty Grable? Yeah.
[00:07:40] Unknown:
Here's the two of us on bicycles. That's me on the handlebars.
[00:07:45] Unknown:
Mhmm. But, why have you got such a surprise look on your face?
[00:07:49] Unknown:
Cold handlebar. Go ahead,
[00:08:04] Unknown:
And now back to Abbott and Costello and their search for nylon stocking.
[00:08:12] Unknown:
Well, Costello, I guess we came to the right place. Look at that sign. Square deal, Bigel Bottoms, the happy. Oh, so happy store. Yeah. Costello, what was that? That was Figlebottom making a cheerful refund. Why? I wonder where the hosiery department is. Let's, ask this fellow over here. Pardon me, mister. Are you the floor walker? What do you think I am with this carnation on a flower pot?
[00:08:40] Unknown:
After all, I'm not a jerk, you know. Well, you're not trained. Well, that's Stella. Don't antagonize the man. He might be able to help you, you know. Oh, I think you got something there, Abbott. Mister, please, mister. I wish you could do something for me. I gotta get a pair of nylons. We haven't any nylons and stop licking my hand. It's no use, Abbott. Alright.
[00:09:04] Unknown:
Forget about the nylons and the date with Connie Hene. Just a moment, gentlemen. That's
[00:09:09] Unknown:
great. I'll tell all my three legged friends. That's great. I'll tell all my three legged friends. But don't tell them all. Remember only one pair to a customer.
[00:09:29] Unknown:
Come on, Abby, let's get out of here. I wanna wait from the sky one. Alright. Don't get excited. Wait a minute. We'll try the sales girl here. Oh, miss, can you tell us where we might get a pair of nylons? Sorry. I can't help you. You see, I'm in long underwear. Itchy, isn't it? Stop insulting people. Now, there's only one to get one way to get those nylons, sir, Lou. Listen to me. We'll have to see, mister Beelzebub. Personally, we've got to do this. Now come on. Here's the elevator. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up.
[00:09:59] Unknown:
Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Cut it out. Hey, Bob. What are you doing running an elevator? Well, I'm replacing a woman. That's essential, doc. Come on. Stop placing time. Get us up there. Okay, doc. Coming up. Go up too fast for your pet, Joe?
[00:10:34] Unknown:
No. I always wear my pants at half mast.
[00:10:39] Unknown:
Bugs, will you please let us out? Okay, doc. Egg floor, chewing gum, chocolate bar, sweet cream, butter, t bone steaks, and other picture postcard.
[00:10:51] Unknown:
Yeah. But I'm gonna murder this rabbit. Oh, no. Don't pay any attention to him. Now we've got to see mister Bigelbottom about those nylon stockings. There's there's a secretary. Pardon me, miss. Can we see, mister Bigelbottom?
[00:11:02] Unknown:
Okay. Did you have an apartment?
[00:11:05] Unknown:
An apartment? Near.
[00:11:08] Unknown:
Then where did you wanna see him at birth?
[00:11:11] Unknown:
I wanna see him at birth some Nurlong stickers.
[00:11:15] Unknown:
Oh, near longs. Having a big sale in just a moment down that second Earl. Oh, thanks. Come on, Nerl Hunt.
[00:11:21] Unknown:
What kind of cock is that? Well, stop talking like that. Hurry up. We'll miss the sale. Here you are, people. Here you are. My long stockings. Nylon stockings. Hey, you. You over there. I'll pick a pair. For selling. I'm buying. I must be from Nancy's.
[00:11:39] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. Stop fooling around. Look up for that sign there. One pair of nylons goes on sale in less than a minute. Hey. But there's 500 women ahead of me. Oh, why you can't go on squeeze through. Oh, just a minute, young man. You can't squeeze in here. Okay, babe. Let's go outside. Hey, yo. Watch how you're talking to my mother. She's a pistol pack of mama. What are you? One of the blanks?
[00:12:05] Unknown:
What? Quiet, Castello. Is everybody quiet? Everybody quiet, please. Quiet. We are about to put on sale one pair of nylons. Remember, only one pair. The first one to get to the counter will receive the nylon and free medical attention. Alright. Get ready now. Alright, Betso. You gotta win this race, doc. Hey, Bob. What are you doing on my back? I'm your jockey, doc. How can I run fast with you on my back? Don't worry. I gotta whip. Hey. Hey. That's why your stirrups are loose. Take your feet out of my garter belt.
[00:12:50] Unknown:
They're wrong, and they're running at jingle bottoms. That was a bumpy start, and Costello broke fast. Rounding the hard ways, pulling away. At the half, it's Castello cutting through the corner department. Hey. He's into the back stretch. It's Castello by four, by six, and now a final drive down to home. It's Castello all away. There's nothing between him and the nylons. He can't lose. He's across the finish line. And ladies and gentlemen, here is the winner, miss Lucy Ball.
[00:13:26] Unknown:
Hey. What's this game about?
[00:13:28] Unknown:
Come on. Yo. Give me those stockings. Customer, take your hands off that girl. It is Lucille Ball. Yes. And you won't get the stockings by wrestling with me.
[00:13:36] Unknown:
Who wants stockings?
[00:13:40] Unknown:
Miss, miss Ball, I'd like to apologize for this, unseemly conduct. I'm but Abbott. Oh, how do you do, mister Abbott? You're the organ grinder, aren't you? Yes. No. No.
[00:13:51] Unknown:
What makes you think I'm an organ grinder? Well, I thought I recognized that monkey with you.
[00:14:00] Unknown:
Now wait a minute, kid. Who's the monkey? I mean, after all, I'll I'll I'll I'll, unfinished speech. Costello. Costello.
[00:14:10] Unknown:
Costello, come here. Come here. Quiet. Now you've got to play up to miss Ball if you wanna get those nylon. Remember, you can catch more flies with sugar than you can with vinegar. Who wants flies? I ain't got enough points. Wait a minute. Look, miss Ball, it's very important for Costello to get those nylon stockings.
[00:14:29] Unknown:
My cue. Thank you. Yes. And you don't need them, Seal. Who don't need them? Name me two good reasons. What are these two things I'm standing on? Chopped liver?
[00:14:41] Unknown:
Yeah. You're like Just a minute. Like, you better you better let me take care of this. You know, Lou, after all, we understand things.
[00:14:52] Unknown:
Women are putty in my hand. Yeah. But who wants a handful of putty? Shut up.
[00:14:57] Unknown:
I'll have you know that I've got the savoir fare.
[00:15:01] Unknown:
You ain't even got carpet. Shut up.
[00:15:04] Unknown:
Hey, look, Lucia. Why why won't you give me those nylons? Give you the nylons. You've got a lot of nerve. You're nothing but a cheap pan handler. You're not even a man. Oh, yeah? Oh, now there's a great ad lib.
[00:15:18] Unknown:
I looked at the sheet. That's all. We've got on there.
[00:15:22] Unknown:
Well, I think I'll take the nylons home. So long, slugs. See you in the slot machine.
[00:15:28] Unknown:
Well, you fix things fine, Costello. What are you gonna do now? Well, I'm gonna dash right out to Lucille Ball's house. Get those stockings and dash right back. Yes. But, what if she's putting them on? Pilot to navigator. Cancel that glass dash. Well, Costello, here we are at Lucille Ball's house. Now remember, you've got to make an impression on her to get those nylon sockets. Comb your hair. It is combed, damn it. Look, ain't it plastered down nice? What did you use to plaster it down? Plaster. Plaster. How come how come your hair is so yellow? Mustard plastic.
Ma, boy, watch me go to work on that Lucille Ball. I'll turn on the Tom. You'd better let me handle it Costello. She's more of my type. I go for those trim ankles.
[00:16:24] Unknown:
You couldn't afford the upkeep on an ankle like that? Why not? That's a very classy joint.
[00:16:30] Unknown:
Oh, shut up here.
[00:16:34] Unknown:
I'll ring the bell. Never mind. Don't ring the bell. Can't you read the sign? Maid sleeping. I'll knock.
[00:16:43] Unknown:
Oh, it's about time you guys got here. You'll find the ladder and saw in the basement. Ladder and saw? Yeah. Aren't you fellows from the tree surgeon? I was expecting somebody here to trim my tree trunk.
[00:16:54] Unknown:
We're only interested in your limbs.
[00:16:58] Unknown:
Look, miss Ball, I'm afraid you have us confused with somebody else. You met us in the department store, remember? I'm Abbot, and I'm Costello.
[00:17:05] Unknown:
You must have a poor memory for faces. Yeah. Especially for poor faces.
[00:17:11] Unknown:
Listen. What do you guys want here? It's too late for Halloween. It's too early for Groundhog Day. Oh, wait a minute. What the do I look like a Groundhog? No coaching, please.
[00:17:22] Unknown:
Quiet. Quiet, Costello. Get away from you. I'll take care of this. Miss Ball, we're just trying to be neighborly. You know how the laundry situation is and we're here to help you with your washing.
[00:17:32] Unknown:
For instance, we we wash stockings and yeah. Yes. Stockings. Yeah. Oh, that sounds interesting. Is your laundry service fast? Fast. We bring it back before it's clean.
[00:17:42] Unknown:
You see, miss Ball, we're especially expert in the care of nylon stockings. Yeah. Nylons. Nylons. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Are you fellas trying to talk me into something? No. We're trying to talk you out of something.
[00:17:56] Unknown:
Well, I'm not interested. You have to leave now. You haven't. I think we're sunk. What am I gonna do? Turn on the charm. Go ahead. Make love to her. Okay.
[00:18:05] Unknown:
Oh, Lucille, Please don't send me away. I've always admired
[00:18:09] Unknown:
you. Come, sit with me on this love sheet.
[00:18:15] Unknown:
Please, baby. And put your feet or your face your foot in my hands. Not something in my hand. Yeah. Now turn it on, Costello. Turn it on. Go ahead. Lucille, I've lived for this moment. We were meant for each other. I was born to kneel at your feet. Get this GI haircut with a civilian approach. Don't spare me, Lucille. Did everybody go out? Don't spare me, Lucille. I love you. I love you, Lucille. I love you. I adore you. When I look at your face, it sets my brain on fire. I thought I smelled punk burning. Yeah. But what should I say? Recite poetry to her. Recite poetry? Yeah. Okay. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. If I don't get you, Tommy Manville must.
[00:19:06] Unknown:
Just a second. Who do you think you are, Santa Claus? No. Why? Then stay away from my stockings. What are you trying to do, fat boy? Fat boy. Who's fat?
[00:19:16] Unknown:
Look at my shape, Lucille. Of course, I go in here, then I go out there, and I go in here a little, and then I go out there a little more than I go in here a little. And that's funny. I don't come back in again.
[00:19:31] Unknown:
Oh, stop being silly, Costello. Everybody knows you're fat. Sure. I was talking to your tailor at Universal. He says he measured you for two days before he even met you. Costello.
[00:19:43] Unknown:
These are not going to go Mark. Hey, Keith. Mark, Lou. Why don't you stop all this nonsense?
[00:19:48] Unknown:
The best thing to do is put your cards on the table. Come on. Okay, Abbot. It's this way, Lucille. I promised a pair of nylon snatches to a girl. And if you give me your nylons, I'll let you work in my next picture.
[00:19:59] Unknown:
Threatening me will get you nowhere.
[00:20:04] Unknown:
Oh, we could do a terrific love scene. Loose you. I'll show you the kiss. Objectly, pick up. The kiss that made me famous. Ready? Ready. Contact.
[00:20:24] Unknown:
Wow. Where did you learn to kiss like that? Siphoning gas on a car.
[00:20:31] Unknown:
Well, what do you say, Lucille? How about another kiss? No. Thanks. I'd rather give you the stocking.
[00:20:35] Unknown:
You fellas turn your backs now. Take them off. Come on, Costello. Turn around. Yeah. And no rubbernecking.
[00:20:40] Unknown:
Don't worry. I won't rubber ball. I thought it was fun.
[00:20:49] Unknown:
You're just the type that wouldn't rubber heel.
[00:20:53] Unknown:
Well, I hope you're happy, Costello. You finally got those nylons. Now let's go.
[00:20:58] Unknown:
Come in. Hello, Lucille darling.
[00:21:01] Unknown:
I just came over to why my fat little sugar man? What are you all doing here two timing on me? You all are a kid, sir. I never wanna see you again.
[00:21:11] Unknown:
What do you say to that? Well, shut my mouth.
[00:21:16] Unknown:
Abbot, she did. It serves you right. Okay. So what are we gonna do about it? I mean, after all, look, honey, why don't you treat me this way? Look, I gotta get you the I got you the nylon stockings. Why, show no, honey.
[00:21:28] Unknown:
Bless your fat little heart.
[00:21:32] Unknown:
But why did you all, why didn't you have them wrapped as a gift?
[00:21:35] Unknown:
Wrapped as a gift? I thought you were gonna wear them. Shucks, no. I'm giving them to Lucille Ball. Lucille Ball? Wait a minute. Then who have I got a date with tonight? Not with me, Sugar.
[00:21:46] Unknown:
Not with me, Shorty.
[00:21:48] Unknown:
That's all. Nobody wants me. The world's against me.
[00:21:54] Unknown:
Don't talk like that, Lou. I'm your pal.
[00:21:56] Unknown:
My arms are around you. How do you feel? I still feel lonesome. Then rest your head on my shoulder, Lou. Okay, Abbot. Now how do you feel? Much better.
[00:22:08] Unknown:
Let's dance. Get out of here.
[00:22:17] Unknown:
Abbott and Costello will be back in just a moment. And now here's Abbott and Costello with the final word. Thanks, Ken. Well, folks, next Thursday is Thanksgiving,
[00:22:45] Unknown:
and Jane Wyman will be here to help us celebrate. And be sure to tune in everybody.
[00:22:49] Unknown:
We won't have a turkey, but that Jane Wyman, what a chicken. Woo. Good night, folks. Good folks.
[00:23:10] Unknown:
This is Ken Niles wishing you all a very pleasant good night from Hollywood.
Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis, and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Introducing The Godfather at champacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowing world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at champacasino.com. Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
VW Group. Boy, we're prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. Hello. It is Ryan, and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chambacasino.com. I looked over the person sitting next to me, and you know what they were doing? They were also playing Chumba Casino. Coincidence? I think not. Everybody's loving having fun with it. Chumba Casino is home to hundreds of casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere, even at 30,000 feet. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com to claim your free welcome bonus. That's chumbacasino.com and live the Chumba life. No purchase necessary. DFW, Woodworker, if I lost, see terms and conditions, 18 plus.
[00:01:16] Unknown:
The Abbott and Costello program brought to you by Camel's, the cigarette that's first in the service. Listen to today, the confetti rich in his orchestra. Billy Grey is Little Matilda. Mel Blanc is the famous Leon Schlesinger cartoon character Bugs Bunny. Tonight's guest, Metro Gold and Mayer star of the best foot forward, miss Lucille Ball, and starring Bud Abbott and Doug Costello.
[00:01:52] Unknown:
Oh, come here.
[00:01:53] Unknown:
There you are, Costello. Late as usual. Why? What kept you this time? Oh, I was waiting for a new letter, Carrie Abbott. Yes? Yeah. And it turned out to be a dame. Boy, did I have trouble with her. And what kind of trouble? She tried to kiss me. Yeah. She kept right out, kissed me on the eyes, on the nose, on the chin. Wait a minute. Why didn't she kiss you on the lips? Well, she's still at the post office and she can't find the right zone. The right zone. There you go again, Costello.
[00:02:17] Unknown:
I can read your mind like a book. All I can see is women,
[00:02:21] Unknown:
women, and women. Where did you turn the page for? You'll find some girls. There you go.
[00:02:27] Unknown:
Girls, girls, girls. Every night you're out late with girls. Last night you were out with two. Yeah. But I only caught one. No. No. No. No. Boy, was she beautiful? I met her down at the Lone Palm. King Jonas joined. Oh.
[00:02:39] Unknown:
Was she a gorgeous aircraft worker? She was? What a fuselage. A fuselage. That little aircraft worker that did something to me, brother. No kidding. I took her in my arms. I felt the pounding in my chest. You mean your horse was beating. No. She forgot to turn off her riveting machine.
[00:02:56] Unknown:
Not here, Costello. You have to stop this. Either you stop going around with all these girls and talking about them all of the time or we're through. I didn't know you felt that way, Abbot? Yes. Alright. I promise. I won't get another girl if I live to be a thousand years old.
[00:03:10] Unknown:
Hello, my fat little sugar man.
[00:03:13] Unknown:
How time flies. Geez, honey. You look cute tonight. Do you really think so, honey? Yeah. Now I know what they mean by the solid South. Alright, Costello. Look. Oh, good.
[00:03:29] Unknown:
Alright. Look. If you're so anxious to go out with girls, why don't you pick out some nice girl like Connie Haines?
[00:03:35] Unknown:
Connie won't go out with me. Yes. I will, mister Costello.
[00:03:39] Unknown:
I had a fight with my family tonight and I wanna disgrace them.
[00:03:45] Unknown:
Hey. What did I tell
[00:03:47] Unknown:
I'm surprised at you. Did George Washington give up at Valley Forge? He had a tough time. Never mind.
[00:03:53] Unknown:
Did Paul Revere give up? No. But Paul Revere had a horse he could depend on. Well, well, you've got me. I'd rather have the horse. I
[00:04:03] Unknown:
Well, miss Costello, I'll go out with you on one condition,
[00:04:07] Unknown:
if you all get me a pair of nylon stockings. A pair of nylon stockings? That's our deal. Now now don't be silly, Costello. You can get nylon. You can't. I can get one pair, two pair. I can get a dozen pair of nylon. That OPA hears everything.
[00:04:29] Unknown:
Goodbye, my fat little sugar man. I'll see you at 08:00 tonight with a nylon.
[00:04:36] Unknown:
Gee, Abbot. I guess I talk too fast. Where am I gonna get a pair of nylons? I wanna go out with Connie Hanes. Well, why don't you be smart? Be nice to Mrs. Niles. That's right, Costello. My wife has a pair of nylon stockings. Now, wait a minute, Niles. You mean a dame with those ugly legs spends money for stockings? Well, now, what do you expect her to wear? Hip boots. Hip boots.
[00:04:57] Unknown:
I heard that remark, pillow.
[00:05:00] Unknown:
Well, if it isn't Mrs. Niles in the flesh, and I use the word loosely.
[00:05:07] Unknown:
Oh, you funny, funny man. And I use the word physically. I do know there's nothing wrong with my legs. Well, I was once a ballet dancer. I used to kick my leg way up in the air. Yeah. And on the way down, you'd touch it, pal.
[00:05:25] Unknown:
Why do you fight with missus Niles?
[00:05:27] Unknown:
Her legs are very attractive. Are you kidding? She's so boring. And every time she runs, she looks like an eggbeater. Am I insulting you?
[00:05:38] Unknown:
My legs are perfectly straight, Cartelo. Look at them. They're just like arrows.
[00:05:43] Unknown:
Feathers and all.
[00:05:46] Unknown:
Feathers? Of all the nerve, I'm not an old hen. Oh, no. Get back in here, cool. Come on. Get back in here. Stop that. Stop that. Kenneth Niles, you come with me.
[00:06:07] Unknown:
No. Door slammed. Never mind. Excuse me. Come here, Toss Della. I thought it was written here. Never mind what question I asked. Excuse me. And you've driven missus Niles out of the studio again. Oh, fight it for navigator. Fight it for navigator. Fight it for navigator. Fight it for name. Thanks, same.
[00:06:23] Unknown:
I think that's very funny, but I'm only three and a half kids old.
[00:06:28] Unknown:
It's little Matilda.
[00:06:36] Unknown:
Matilda, what are you doing out of school? My teacher sent me home because I kissed a little boy. You kissed a boy?
[00:06:43] Unknown:
Well, I wasn't exactly a kid. We were eating the same liquid stick, and I chewed past my head. Now what, Matilda, will you please go home? I can't. I'll get along. Oh, no. You won't. The train stops at every station. Why does it stop at every station, uncle Louis? Because it's a milk train. Do they have to milk it at every station?
[00:07:04] Unknown:
How do you like a little kid? Trina, half years old, watching all do you have to milk a train? Milk a train. Milk a train. Listen, boss. You you can't milk a train. That's silly. How they gonna get a big train to sit on a little stool?
[00:07:16] Unknown:
Now look, Matt, Mattilda, please. Don't worry, uncle Louie. He's trying to get a pair of nylon stockings. You could get a pair of nylon stockings from my friend, Betty Grable. Betty Grable? How do you know she has nylons? Because that's where I saw her put her money. The Bank of America never had branches like that?
[00:07:34] Unknown:
Wait a minute, Matilda. Maybe you can help, Uncle Louie. Do you really know Betty Grable? Yeah.
[00:07:40] Unknown:
Here's the two of us on bicycles. That's me on the handlebars.
[00:07:45] Unknown:
Mhmm. But, why have you got such a surprise look on your face?
[00:07:49] Unknown:
Cold handlebar. Go ahead,
[00:08:04] Unknown:
And now back to Abbott and Costello and their search for nylon stocking.
[00:08:12] Unknown:
Well, Costello, I guess we came to the right place. Look at that sign. Square deal, Bigel Bottoms, the happy. Oh, so happy store. Yeah. Costello, what was that? That was Figlebottom making a cheerful refund. Why? I wonder where the hosiery department is. Let's, ask this fellow over here. Pardon me, mister. Are you the floor walker? What do you think I am with this carnation on a flower pot?
[00:08:40] Unknown:
After all, I'm not a jerk, you know. Well, you're not trained. Well, that's Stella. Don't antagonize the man. He might be able to help you, you know. Oh, I think you got something there, Abbott. Mister, please, mister. I wish you could do something for me. I gotta get a pair of nylons. We haven't any nylons and stop licking my hand. It's no use, Abbott. Alright.
[00:09:04] Unknown:
Forget about the nylons and the date with Connie Hene. Just a moment, gentlemen. That's
[00:09:09] Unknown:
great. I'll tell all my three legged friends. That's great. I'll tell all my three legged friends. But don't tell them all. Remember only one pair to a customer.
[00:09:29] Unknown:
Come on, Abby, let's get out of here. I wanna wait from the sky one. Alright. Don't get excited. Wait a minute. We'll try the sales girl here. Oh, miss, can you tell us where we might get a pair of nylons? Sorry. I can't help you. You see, I'm in long underwear. Itchy, isn't it? Stop insulting people. Now, there's only one to get one way to get those nylons, sir, Lou. Listen to me. We'll have to see, mister Beelzebub. Personally, we've got to do this. Now come on. Here's the elevator. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up.
[00:09:59] Unknown:
Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. Cut it out. Hey, Bob. What are you doing running an elevator? Well, I'm replacing a woman. That's essential, doc. Come on. Stop placing time. Get us up there. Okay, doc. Coming up. Go up too fast for your pet, Joe?
[00:10:34] Unknown:
No. I always wear my pants at half mast.
[00:10:39] Unknown:
Bugs, will you please let us out? Okay, doc. Egg floor, chewing gum, chocolate bar, sweet cream, butter, t bone steaks, and other picture postcard.
[00:10:51] Unknown:
Yeah. But I'm gonna murder this rabbit. Oh, no. Don't pay any attention to him. Now we've got to see mister Bigelbottom about those nylon stockings. There's there's a secretary. Pardon me, miss. Can we see, mister Bigelbottom?
[00:11:02] Unknown:
Okay. Did you have an apartment?
[00:11:05] Unknown:
An apartment? Near.
[00:11:08] Unknown:
Then where did you wanna see him at birth?
[00:11:11] Unknown:
I wanna see him at birth some Nurlong stickers.
[00:11:15] Unknown:
Oh, near longs. Having a big sale in just a moment down that second Earl. Oh, thanks. Come on, Nerl Hunt.
[00:11:21] Unknown:
What kind of cock is that? Well, stop talking like that. Hurry up. We'll miss the sale. Here you are, people. Here you are. My long stockings. Nylon stockings. Hey, you. You over there. I'll pick a pair. For selling. I'm buying. I must be from Nancy's.
[00:11:39] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. Stop fooling around. Look up for that sign there. One pair of nylons goes on sale in less than a minute. Hey. But there's 500 women ahead of me. Oh, why you can't go on squeeze through. Oh, just a minute, young man. You can't squeeze in here. Okay, babe. Let's go outside. Hey, yo. Watch how you're talking to my mother. She's a pistol pack of mama. What are you? One of the blanks?
[00:12:05] Unknown:
What? Quiet, Castello. Is everybody quiet? Everybody quiet, please. Quiet. We are about to put on sale one pair of nylons. Remember, only one pair. The first one to get to the counter will receive the nylon and free medical attention. Alright. Get ready now. Alright, Betso. You gotta win this race, doc. Hey, Bob. What are you doing on my back? I'm your jockey, doc. How can I run fast with you on my back? Don't worry. I gotta whip. Hey. Hey. That's why your stirrups are loose. Take your feet out of my garter belt.
[00:12:50] Unknown:
They're wrong, and they're running at jingle bottoms. That was a bumpy start, and Costello broke fast. Rounding the hard ways, pulling away. At the half, it's Castello cutting through the corner department. Hey. He's into the back stretch. It's Castello by four, by six, and now a final drive down to home. It's Castello all away. There's nothing between him and the nylons. He can't lose. He's across the finish line. And ladies and gentlemen, here is the winner, miss Lucy Ball.
[00:13:26] Unknown:
Hey. What's this game about?
[00:13:28] Unknown:
Come on. Yo. Give me those stockings. Customer, take your hands off that girl. It is Lucille Ball. Yes. And you won't get the stockings by wrestling with me.
[00:13:36] Unknown:
Who wants stockings?
[00:13:40] Unknown:
Miss, miss Ball, I'd like to apologize for this, unseemly conduct. I'm but Abbott. Oh, how do you do, mister Abbott? You're the organ grinder, aren't you? Yes. No. No.
[00:13:51] Unknown:
What makes you think I'm an organ grinder? Well, I thought I recognized that monkey with you.
[00:14:00] Unknown:
Now wait a minute, kid. Who's the monkey? I mean, after all, I'll I'll I'll I'll, unfinished speech. Costello. Costello.
[00:14:10] Unknown:
Costello, come here. Come here. Quiet. Now you've got to play up to miss Ball if you wanna get those nylon. Remember, you can catch more flies with sugar than you can with vinegar. Who wants flies? I ain't got enough points. Wait a minute. Look, miss Ball, it's very important for Costello to get those nylon stockings.
[00:14:29] Unknown:
My cue. Thank you. Yes. And you don't need them, Seal. Who don't need them? Name me two good reasons. What are these two things I'm standing on? Chopped liver?
[00:14:41] Unknown:
Yeah. You're like Just a minute. Like, you better you better let me take care of this. You know, Lou, after all, we understand things.
[00:14:52] Unknown:
Women are putty in my hand. Yeah. But who wants a handful of putty? Shut up.
[00:14:57] Unknown:
I'll have you know that I've got the savoir fare.
[00:15:01] Unknown:
You ain't even got carpet. Shut up.
[00:15:04] Unknown:
Hey, look, Lucia. Why why won't you give me those nylons? Give you the nylons. You've got a lot of nerve. You're nothing but a cheap pan handler. You're not even a man. Oh, yeah? Oh, now there's a great ad lib.
[00:15:18] Unknown:
I looked at the sheet. That's all. We've got on there.
[00:15:22] Unknown:
Well, I think I'll take the nylons home. So long, slugs. See you in the slot machine.
[00:15:28] Unknown:
Well, you fix things fine, Costello. What are you gonna do now? Well, I'm gonna dash right out to Lucille Ball's house. Get those stockings and dash right back. Yes. But, what if she's putting them on? Pilot to navigator. Cancel that glass dash. Well, Costello, here we are at Lucille Ball's house. Now remember, you've got to make an impression on her to get those nylon sockets. Comb your hair. It is combed, damn it. Look, ain't it plastered down nice? What did you use to plaster it down? Plaster. Plaster. How come how come your hair is so yellow? Mustard plastic.
Ma, boy, watch me go to work on that Lucille Ball. I'll turn on the Tom. You'd better let me handle it Costello. She's more of my type. I go for those trim ankles.
[00:16:24] Unknown:
You couldn't afford the upkeep on an ankle like that? Why not? That's a very classy joint.
[00:16:30] Unknown:
Oh, shut up here.
[00:16:34] Unknown:
I'll ring the bell. Never mind. Don't ring the bell. Can't you read the sign? Maid sleeping. I'll knock.
[00:16:43] Unknown:
Oh, it's about time you guys got here. You'll find the ladder and saw in the basement. Ladder and saw? Yeah. Aren't you fellows from the tree surgeon? I was expecting somebody here to trim my tree trunk.
[00:16:54] Unknown:
We're only interested in your limbs.
[00:16:58] Unknown:
Look, miss Ball, I'm afraid you have us confused with somebody else. You met us in the department store, remember? I'm Abbot, and I'm Costello.
[00:17:05] Unknown:
You must have a poor memory for faces. Yeah. Especially for poor faces.
[00:17:11] Unknown:
Listen. What do you guys want here? It's too late for Halloween. It's too early for Groundhog Day. Oh, wait a minute. What the do I look like a Groundhog? No coaching, please.
[00:17:22] Unknown:
Quiet. Quiet, Costello. Get away from you. I'll take care of this. Miss Ball, we're just trying to be neighborly. You know how the laundry situation is and we're here to help you with your washing.
[00:17:32] Unknown:
For instance, we we wash stockings and yeah. Yes. Stockings. Yeah. Oh, that sounds interesting. Is your laundry service fast? Fast. We bring it back before it's clean.
[00:17:42] Unknown:
You see, miss Ball, we're especially expert in the care of nylon stockings. Yeah. Nylons. Nylons. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Are you fellas trying to talk me into something? No. We're trying to talk you out of something.
[00:17:56] Unknown:
Well, I'm not interested. You have to leave now. You haven't. I think we're sunk. What am I gonna do? Turn on the charm. Go ahead. Make love to her. Okay.
[00:18:05] Unknown:
Oh, Lucille, Please don't send me away. I've always admired
[00:18:09] Unknown:
you. Come, sit with me on this love sheet.
[00:18:15] Unknown:
Please, baby. And put your feet or your face your foot in my hands. Not something in my hand. Yeah. Now turn it on, Costello. Turn it on. Go ahead. Lucille, I've lived for this moment. We were meant for each other. I was born to kneel at your feet. Get this GI haircut with a civilian approach. Don't spare me, Lucille. Did everybody go out? Don't spare me, Lucille. I love you. I love you, Lucille. I love you. I adore you. When I look at your face, it sets my brain on fire. I thought I smelled punk burning. Yeah. But what should I say? Recite poetry to her. Recite poetry? Yeah. Okay. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. If I don't get you, Tommy Manville must.
[00:19:06] Unknown:
Just a second. Who do you think you are, Santa Claus? No. Why? Then stay away from my stockings. What are you trying to do, fat boy? Fat boy. Who's fat?
[00:19:16] Unknown:
Look at my shape, Lucille. Of course, I go in here, then I go out there, and I go in here a little, and then I go out there a little more than I go in here a little. And that's funny. I don't come back in again.
[00:19:31] Unknown:
Oh, stop being silly, Costello. Everybody knows you're fat. Sure. I was talking to your tailor at Universal. He says he measured you for two days before he even met you. Costello.
[00:19:43] Unknown:
These are not going to go Mark. Hey, Keith. Mark, Lou. Why don't you stop all this nonsense?
[00:19:48] Unknown:
The best thing to do is put your cards on the table. Come on. Okay, Abbot. It's this way, Lucille. I promised a pair of nylon snatches to a girl. And if you give me your nylons, I'll let you work in my next picture.
[00:19:59] Unknown:
Threatening me will get you nowhere.
[00:20:04] Unknown:
Oh, we could do a terrific love scene. Loose you. I'll show you the kiss. Objectly, pick up. The kiss that made me famous. Ready? Ready. Contact.
[00:20:24] Unknown:
Wow. Where did you learn to kiss like that? Siphoning gas on a car.
[00:20:31] Unknown:
Well, what do you say, Lucille? How about another kiss? No. Thanks. I'd rather give you the stocking.
[00:20:35] Unknown:
You fellas turn your backs now. Take them off. Come on, Costello. Turn around. Yeah. And no rubbernecking.
[00:20:40] Unknown:
Don't worry. I won't rubber ball. I thought it was fun.
[00:20:49] Unknown:
You're just the type that wouldn't rubber heel.
[00:20:53] Unknown:
Well, I hope you're happy, Costello. You finally got those nylons. Now let's go.
[00:20:58] Unknown:
Come in. Hello, Lucille darling.
[00:21:01] Unknown:
I just came over to why my fat little sugar man? What are you all doing here two timing on me? You all are a kid, sir. I never wanna see you again.
[00:21:11] Unknown:
What do you say to that? Well, shut my mouth.
[00:21:16] Unknown:
Abbot, she did. It serves you right. Okay. So what are we gonna do about it? I mean, after all, look, honey, why don't you treat me this way? Look, I gotta get you the I got you the nylon stockings. Why, show no, honey.
[00:21:28] Unknown:
Bless your fat little heart.
[00:21:32] Unknown:
But why did you all, why didn't you have them wrapped as a gift?
[00:21:35] Unknown:
Wrapped as a gift? I thought you were gonna wear them. Shucks, no. I'm giving them to Lucille Ball. Lucille Ball? Wait a minute. Then who have I got a date with tonight? Not with me, Sugar.
[00:21:46] Unknown:
Not with me, Shorty.
[00:21:48] Unknown:
That's all. Nobody wants me. The world's against me.
[00:21:54] Unknown:
Don't talk like that, Lou. I'm your pal.
[00:21:56] Unknown:
My arms are around you. How do you feel? I still feel lonesome. Then rest your head on my shoulder, Lou. Okay, Abbot. Now how do you feel? Much better.
[00:22:08] Unknown:
Let's dance. Get out of here.
[00:22:17] Unknown:
Abbott and Costello will be back in just a moment. And now here's Abbott and Costello with the final word. Thanks, Ken. Well, folks, next Thursday is Thanksgiving,
[00:22:45] Unknown:
and Jane Wyman will be here to help us celebrate. And be sure to tune in everybody.
[00:22:49] Unknown:
We won't have a turkey, but that Jane Wyman, what a chicken. Woo. Good night, folks. Good folks.
[00:23:10] Unknown:
This is Ken Niles wishing you all a very pleasant good night from Hollywood.
