In this lively episode, we dive into the world of fitness and comedy with a mix of modern and classic entertainment. We start by exploring the benefits of the BODI app, a comprehensive fitness platform known for its effective programs like P90X, and its promise of results with a money-back guarantee. The app offers a structured approach to fitness, complete with nutrition and supplement guidance, and is currently available with a special discount for new subscribers.
We then switch gears to enjoy a classic comedy routine featuring Abbott and Costello, where the duo engages in their signature witty banter and slapstick humor. The episode includes a hilarious skit about selling spot remover and a series of comedic misunderstandings, showcasing the timeless charm of their performances. This episode is a delightful blend of motivation and laughter, perfect for anyone looking to get fit while enjoying a good laugh.
(01:00) Introduction to The Godfather Slot Game
(01:45) Comedy with Abbott and Costello
(07:29) Costello's Job Hunt and Schemes
(15:27) The Magic Lantern and Indian Water Scheme
(20:03) Costello's Youthful Transformation
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
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Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Listen up, buttercup. It's time to get off your grab some weights, and get back in shape. But what's gonna be different this time? You're gonna sign up with the BODI app. That's BODI with an I. You know BODI for p 90 x and hundreds of proven programs that get you ripped, And they're all here on the app along with great new programs and all the nutrition and supplements you need to nail your routine. And right now, if you sign up for a one year subscription to BODY, you'll get an instant $30 discount, and the BODY app rocks. Rocks. CNN underscore just rated BODY the best fitness app, so you know it works. Will it be tough? Hell, yeah. But this is the structure you need to get the gains you want, and BODY stands behind your results. If you don't lose five to 10 pounds in your first thirty days, you don't pay. Now here's the deal. The next 500 people who sign up for a year of BODY get an instant $30 off. That saves you 59%, but this is a limited time offer. Just go to bODY.com, get your $30 off, and get started today. That's bodywithani.com.
[00:01:00] Unknown:
Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis, and and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Introducing The Godfather at chompacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at chumpacasino.com.
[00:01:28] Unknown:
Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VVW group. Way where prohibited by Ma. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply.
[00:01:46] Unknown:
C a m e l s. That's right, folks.
[00:01:50] Unknown:
C for comedy, a for Abbott, m for Maxwell, e for Ennis, l for Lou Costello. Put them all together and they spell camel. Experience is the best teacher. Try a camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking camels than ever before. And draw up a chair for tonight's camel show starring Bud Evan and Luke Costello.
[00:02:19] Unknown:
Hey,
[00:02:33] Unknown:
here. Hey, by the way, what were you doing at Universal International Studios this morning? Oh, I had to take my pet flies over there. You took flies to a picture studio. What for? To get them a screen test. I, I, you idiot. Who who was that red headed girl?
[00:02:47] Unknown:
Hey, hello. Who Who was that red headed girl that was with you?
[00:02:50] Unknown:
Oh, she's been chasing after me for years, Abbott. I call her pilot light. Pilot light? Yeah. She's an old flame that stayed lit. But she's a lovely girl, Abbott. She's very social. Does she have,
[00:03:03] Unknown:
does she have good connections, Lou? I beg your pardon? Does she have good connections? Well, she never fell apart while I was with her. No. No. No. No. I'm talking about her connections. Tell us her associates.
[00:03:14] Unknown:
Does she belong to the junior league? Belong to the junior league? No. She belongs to the coast league. What? She used to pitch for the San Francisco seal.
[00:03:23] Unknown:
And still I'm talking about the junior league. Society. Has she come out yet? Has she made her debut? Her what? Her debut?
[00:03:31] Unknown:
Oh, sure. Every time she comes out, debut.
[00:03:35] Unknown:
Naboo. Alright. They say blue.
[00:03:37] Unknown:
Get in the house. Alright.
[00:03:39] Unknown:
K. But she's very she's very high tone of it. What do you mean? She was born in the South Of England. Oh, I see. Her family came from Wales. Her family came from Wales? Yes. I thought her composition sounded a little fishy. God. God. God's
[00:03:51] Unknown:
hands, please. Wales Wales is part of England. That means they're English people. Now, what does her father do, Luke? He's got a big diplomatic job with a bakery. A diplomatic job in a bakery? Yeah. In Hell's Bakery. He's a British adviser to the English crumpets. Forget
[00:04:09] Unknown:
about her father. What does what does she do? What does she do? Yes. Well, she weighs two hundred and fifty pounds and she's got a big job as a sand hog. Now, how could a woman be a sand hog? She sits around the beach all day and hogs the sand. Sounds like quite a family. Are they wealthy? Wealthy. Abbot. They got a Chateau in France, a villa in Switzerland, a castle of Spain, and a hacienda in Mexico. Where do they live? In a quonset hut in Glendale.
[00:04:31] Unknown:
You're
[00:04:32] Unknown:
wasting your time with these people. Why don't you get yourself a good job? I had a good job once, Abbot. I worked for a foot doctor. I used to put birdseed in people's shoes. Birdseed in people's shoes? Boy, that keeps their pigeon toes away from their corn.
[00:04:53] Unknown:
Look, Estelle. I'm only trying to help you. Look. Why don't you listen to me? You can change. I used to be dumb like you once. I was ignorant, stupid, and ugly. And you know what? What caused the change? What change? I, not selling them. There must be some way to get you a job. Wait a minute. I've got it. I'll speak to Harry Ridoff about you. Wait a minute. Better still, I'll have my brother get you a job where he works, at the nut and bolt factory. Your brother works at the nut and bolt factory? Yes. What's he doing there? Nothing. Nothing? He just said he's working. He is working. Doing what? Nothing. And he gets paid for doing nothing? Well, certainly. Yeah. But if I get a good job at the nut and bone factory, what will I be doing? Nothing. Now you're talking. That's the kind of job I want. Ah, you're over here. Nutting is hard work. My brother puts in eight hours a day, five days a week. Doing nothing? That's right. Look, Cabot, your brother works in a nothing bull factory. Yes. Are you sure he don't do nothing besides nothing? Well,
[00:05:44] Unknown:
sometimes he works in the foundry department, Then he forges steels. How do you like that? He ain't satisfied getting paid for doing nothing. Now he forges and steals. Abigail brother is a crook. He is not a crook. Definitely. He's worked hard all his life.
[00:05:59] Unknown:
Before he worked in the nut and bolt factory, he worked in a rope factory. What's he doing in a rope factory? Knottin'. Well, that's different. I mean, he did. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What did you say he was doing in a rope factory? Nothing. Nothing. This guy's been getting away with murder. So far, he's had two jobs up to now. He's been doing nothing and nothing. Costell, listen to me, and I'll try to explain it so that even you can understand. Thank you. The rope factory makes tennis nets. What? Nets. Nets. And nets for you, too. No. That's it, you idiot. My brother made tennis nets. Nets. The nets are tied together with knots and my brother does knotting. Just a second, Adam. When did your brother start knotting?
[00:06:34] Unknown:
Knotting? Oh, about three years ago. And what's he doing now? I told you. Knotting. Look. Up to now, you told me less than that. You said your brother did nothing for three years, and now he's doing nothing. When is he gonna start doing something? He is doing something. What? Nothing. Nothing or something? Really? Well, Lavin, one of us is nuts. Look. Don't your brother get tired of doing nothing? Oh, of course. When he gets tired, he takes a vacation. What does he do on his vacation? Nothing. Now there is a pretty picture. This guy does nothing for three years, but doing nothing is too tough for him. So he gets a new job doing nothing. Then he gets tired of doing nothing. So he takes a vacation and does nothing. Now you've got it. Well, if I got it, I caught it from you.
[00:07:29] Unknown:
Hi, fellow.
[00:07:30] Unknown:
It's time for you to start thinking of the future. Why don't you get a good job? Be industrious. Keep your nose to the grindstone. Save your money and in ten years, you can retire and you won't have to work, Lou. Why should I go through all that? I'm not working now.
[00:07:44] Unknown:
I don't believe you ever had a job. Oh, guys, a sucker to work, Abbot. All you gotta do is go on one of those quiz programs. The other night, my aunt made $19,000 in cash, a refrigerator, two washing machines, and a brand new house. Boy, that's wonderful. Yeah. And she was one of the losers.
[00:07:59] Unknown:
Costello, please. Aren't you interested in betting yourself? Why don't you find an honest job? What? And quit radio? I don't.
[00:08:08] Unknown:
Why don't you look at the ads in the paper and find a job for yourself? Oh, I got a job all picked out of it. You have I saw an ad in the funny papers. It said sell 24 bottles of cheap schmooze pot remover and get a magic lantern free. I can also win the $500 grand prize by selling a 75,000,000
[00:08:22] Unknown:
bottles. Oh, Castell. There are only a 30,000,000
[00:08:25] Unknown:
people in The United States. So what? I got friends in Mexico.
[00:08:30] Unknown:
Well, now wait a minute. Selling spot remover is better than doing nothing at all. Come on. Let's go over and see this Chief Schmoe. Well, here it is, Costello. See the sign on the door? Chief Schmoe's Indian Remedy Company. Butt remover, Indian tonics, scalp treatments, and Tommy Hawkes Charpentier. Well, come on. Let's go in.
[00:08:55] Unknown:
Well, good morning, gentlemen. As the Santa Fe train said to the freight train, I am the chief. Whoo.
[00:09:03] Unknown:
Costello, hey. This guy don't look like an Indian to me. Sure he is. I can tell by the way he's dressed. He's wearing an arrow collar and a bow tie. Get it? Bow and arrow. Get your pictures, madamot. I'm pitching him in there tonight.
[00:09:17] Unknown:
I am, sir. My,
[00:09:19] Unknown:
Chief Small. My friend Costello read your ads in the funny papers, and he'd like to try selling your spot remover. Well, to be a Chief Small salesman, Costello, you'll have to have fire in your voice. You've gotta glow with feeling blazed with personality.
[00:09:32] Unknown:
What do you want? A salesman or a blowtorcher?
[00:09:34] Unknown:
Do you think Costello can handle his job? Costello, we'll have to fill out this application form. I'll read the questions and when they apply to you, just answer yes. Were you a college graduate? Were you a high school graduate? Were you a grammar school graduate? Were you born? Well, I'll turn the form over on the other side and see if it goes any lower. Costello, our personnel is highly restricted, especially selective. We demand the highest qualification. What makes you think you could be a cheap small salesman? When I saw your ad in the funny papers? Oh, good. For a while, I didn't think you had the qualification. Now, before you go out to sell cheap smoke spot remover, I want to give you a few pointers about being a door to door salesman. I don't want to be a door salesman. Who wants to sell doors? I want to sell spot remover.
So, young man, when I say you sell door to door, I don't mean you sell door. I mean that you sell spot remover even though you're selling door to door. How do you like that? Now the Indians aren't doing our routine. Now, Costello, when a housewife tries to slam the door on you, make sure your foot is in the way. But my foot might get hurt. In your case, stick your head in my door. Now here's your 24 bottles of spot remover in your sample case. Sell these and you get the magic lantern. Wait a minute. Let me get this right, gee. If Costello sells, the 24 bottles in one day, he not only gets the magic lantern, but also a special prize? That is correct. This week, we have a very valuable prize, a genuine 12 foot pole. 12 foot pole. What's that for? That's for girls you can't touch with a 10 foot pole.
That's going to sell that spot.
[00:11:19] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. There's a woman right over there, Costello. Why don't you make her your first customer? Okay. That's a good idea. Pardon me, miss. Well, if it isn't mister Orbit and mister Costello.
[00:11:31] Unknown:
You fought, little man. You.
[00:11:34] Unknown:
Costello is Costello is selling spot remover.
[00:11:37] Unknown:
Oh, fine. I'd love to patronize him, but I'm very busy. I'm on my way to Armgee Arm Studios. Uh-uh. Armgee Arm Studios?
[00:11:48] Unknown:
Why Abbott? You heard of Armgee Arm Studios? That's where they make pouchers with Clark Goebel. Luna Tuna and Mookie Rooley.
[00:12:00] Unknown:
Did you ever Yes. Yes, sir. Did you ever opt at Aum Jeong with sponsor Trusy?
[00:12:07] Unknown:
No. But I was a cool boy at Republic
[00:12:10] Unknown:
with Ruy Rooges.
[00:12:18] Unknown:
Well, I must be toggling along. As we say in Norwegian,
[00:12:25] Unknown:
to you? And a wad of busted bubblegum and a kisser to you too.
[00:12:33] Unknown:
Well, there you go. Hey. Skinny. Castello is selling spot remover. Would you like to buy some? No. Thanks. I don't need any. Oh, you don't, You certainly do. Look at the stains on your necktie. I can tell everything you had for lunch. Shrimp, lamb chowder, lamb chops, and coffee. Why, there's only one clean spot on your whole necktie. I know. I'm saving that for dessert.
[00:12:51] Unknown:
Never mind him, Costello. Hey. Look. Here comes Merrill Maxwell. Oh, Louis. The most wonderful thing has happened. I've just been chosen California's queen of the Orange Grove. Marilyn, can I be your smudge pot? Oh, Louis. You're so cute. Marilyn, can I come over to your house tonight? Not tonight, Louis. I'm washing my dog. How about tomorrow night? Well, tomorrow night I'm taking my dog to the dog show. How about Saturday night? Saturday night I'm busy.
[00:13:17] Unknown:
What's your dog doing?
[00:13:24] Unknown:
Marilyn,
[00:13:26] Unknown:
Castell is selling spot removal. Would you like to buy a bottle? Well, is it any good?
[00:13:30] Unknown:
Oh, sure. That's my line. Certainly, it's good. I'll show you. Oh, there's a little spot on your dress. Now I soak my handkerchief with a spot remover and rub it on your dress.
[00:13:42] Unknown:
Don't just stand there, rabbit. Throw a blanket around her. Louis, you've ruined my dress. Goodbye. Well, Well, Costello, you certainly lost Marilyn for a customer. Well, come on. Let's go in here to Mrs. Whitwashers' house. Oh,
[00:13:56] Unknown:
hello, Mr. Abbott. Oh, my. I wonder who left that garbage can on my front stool. Oh, pardon me. That's That's Costello.
[00:14:12] Unknown:
Oh, Mrs. Whitwash. We don't wanna bother you if you have company. Company? Well, I'm here all alone. Then who are those two people looking over your shoulder? Oh, pardon me. That's your ears.
[00:14:23] Unknown:
Buy it, Costello. Buy it. Buy it. It's Mrs. Whitwatch. Costello's selling a sputter remover.
[00:14:28] Unknown:
What? What is it? They're selling sputter remover. Selling it? Yeah. You ought to drink some
[00:14:33] Unknown:
ice.
[00:14:34] Unknown:
Drink spot remover. Spot remover. Oh, I thought you said pot remover.
[00:14:45] Unknown:
Knock it out of here before I slam the door on you. Come on, Costello. Come on. Okay. No. No. We can't. Remember what chief Schmoe said? If a woman tries to close the door, stick your head in. Go ahead. Slam the door, missus Whitwas. Alright.
[00:15:00] Unknown:
Missus Whitwas,
[00:15:01] Unknown:
you've slammed the door on Costello's hand. Oh, my boy, little man. I'll buy all your socks, remove every bottle. I'll stroke your head until the swelling goes down, and then I'll put my arms around you. I'll cuddle you close to me, and I'll kiss you and kiss you and kiss you and kiss you. Costello, can you hear me?
[00:15:18] Unknown:
Yes. Land the door on my head again.
[00:15:28] Unknown:
Keith, just give, Costello's magic lantern and we'll be going.
[00:15:31] Unknown:
Not not so fast, boys. By selling that spot remover, Costello was only qualified for the magic lantern. Now all he has to do is help me sell 980
[00:15:40] Unknown:
bottles of Schmoe's Indian water. I can sell anything. I even sold insurance. I sold Lana Turner some sweater insurance. I sold Dorothy L'amour some Sarang insurance. I even sold Gypsy Rose Lee insurance too.
[00:15:51] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Why did Gypsy Rose Lee have insurance? These Indians lead sheltered lives, don't they?
[00:15:59] Unknown:
She took full coverage. Wait a minute. Why should this boy have to sell nine eighty bottles of Schmoe's Indian water? Chief, this sounds like a shady deal. Mr. Abbott, there's $50 in it for you if you can get Costello to help me. Oh, that's different.
[00:16:15] Unknown:
Costello, I think it's a splendid idea. Wait a minute. Now down. Now Wait a minute. You just said it was a shady deal. The smog cleared up pretty fast, didn't it?
[00:16:24] Unknown:
Steve, what does this, what does this Indian water do? Moe's Indian water is the elixir of you. It takes years off your life. Why Al Jolson took one teaspoonful, and do you know what happened? Larry Parks. Yeah. Come and me. Come into the laboratory and meet the Indians who make Moe's Indian water.
[00:16:44] Unknown:
This is our head, Kevin. Me, Vic Brave. We're Abbott and Costello. You ever listen to our radio program? Me not that brave. Mister Brave, Brave, I dabble in chemistry myself. Listen to this. H202S3. What's that? Ethyl alcohol. Then there's h one s s o five. What's that? Ethyl chloride. Then there's H I 2183. What's that? Ethyl Schultz. That's her phone number. If a man answers, that's the wrong formula.
[00:17:12] Unknown:
Now, this is where we make the famous Shmoes Indian water that brings back you. This big Indian fills that pot with herbs. His squaw stirs the mixture all day long. And at night when it's finished, he licks her. He licks her?
[00:17:27] Unknown:
He licks her. Now there's gratitude for you. The poor squaw sits all day over a hot fire stirring that pot. Then at night, the syneon comes along and gives her a beating. What are you talking about? I'm gonna report this to the police habit. Beaten that poor woman, Chris. Tell her nobody's getting a beating. He just said a squash stirs the pot all day. Then at night, this thing here comes along, and he licks her. What's the what's wrong with that? What's wrong with it? Nobody's gonna hit the squall when I'm around. If he licks her tonight, I'll have to lick the he'll lick the lick me too. Well, look what he says.
[00:17:52] Unknown:
He don't mean he licks her. He means elixir, and elixir is her name. Well, why didn't you say so? I know her very well. She works for Warner Brothers. Who works for Warner Brothers? The elixir Smith. Oh, you. This elixir is atomic. It makes you feel young. It's it's a a pick me up. It's a what? Pick me up. Okay.
[00:18:07] Unknown:
Put me down, you idiot. You just asked me to pick you up. I did not. I said pick me up. And now put me down. Have a make up of your mind. Well, gentlemen, we're ready to go. Hop into the truck and we'll make our pitch in an empty lot and sell a nine eighty bottles of Shmoe's Elixir of Life.
[00:18:29] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. Castello. Look at that crowd with people coming to buy cheap Shmoe's Elixir of Youth. Go ahead. Make her big. Okay.
[00:18:37] Unknown:
Hiya, babe. Gee, you're cute. What are you doing tonight?
[00:18:43] Unknown:
Wrong pitch. Wrong pitch. Yeah. Boys. Boys. I'll make the pitch. And Costello, Costello, you sell the medicine. And remember, back up everything I say. Yes. And remember that, Costello. Anything the chief says, you back him up. I get it. Friends, I am chief smoke. Anyone that drinks smokes Indian water can be young forever. It takes years off your life. Look at me. I am 239 years old. I've been drinking this water since I was a young man. I've worn out four Schafer lifetime pen. Look at me. 239 years old. Friends, the medicine is $1 a bottle. My assistant will pass among you. Go ahead, Castillo. Okay. Moe's Indian water, $1 a bottle. How about you, lady? I'll take one. But, young man, is that Indian really 239
[00:19:28] Unknown:
years old? You couldn't prove it by me, lady. I've only been with him a hundred and forty six years. Alright, you fat figure. I'm an officer of the Lord. How long did you say you were working for that Indian?
[00:19:40] Unknown:
I'm gonna apply for the job tomorrow morning.
[00:19:44] Unknown:
That's enough of that. Into the patrol wagon, butchers. Nah. Just a minute. I'll solve for my friend here. You see, Costello was told to say he was a hundred and 40 six years old. Well, Costello would be a hundred and 40 six years old by the time he gets out of jail. Into the patrol wagon above you. Well, Costello, you you certainly got us in a fine mess this time. Don't pull me out, Abbott. I've been through too much already. I'm tired and I'm thirsty. Thirsty? I know. I'll drink a couple of bottles of cheap schmoozy lecture of youth. You oh. Costello.
[00:20:19] Unknown:
Don't drink that junk. That that stuff is a
[00:20:25] Unknown:
I've been lying here.
[00:20:28] Unknown:
But, Costello,
[00:20:31] Unknown:
I don't see you. All I see is a is a fat little boy.
[00:20:34] Unknown:
Ever. That stuff works. The fat little boy is me.
[00:20:40] Unknown:
Costello, this is wonderful. They can trust you, child. When we get to the station house, I'll jump out of the patrol wagon wagon and run. Then you you you turn when I turn you loose, I mean, you come right home to hear.
[00:20:53] Unknown:
Mhmm. Bye bye, Jasper.
[00:20:58] Unknown:
I like your crooks. Come out of that wagon.
[00:21:00] Unknown:
There ain't no crooks in here, mister Pritman. Only wreck of me.
[00:21:07] Unknown:
Oh, how many times did I tell you kids not to hitch rides on the patrol wagon? Don't you know it's round to do a thing like that? Why? Why do you always do these things? Oh, why not
[00:21:20] Unknown:
bad boy?
[00:21:29] Unknown:
We'll be back in just a moment for Camel Cigarettes. During the war, the makers of Camel Cigarettes sent a total of more than 150,000,000 free camels to our fighting men overseas. Now free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week, the camels go to Veterans Hospital, Conondaga, New York, USAAF Station Hospital, Morrison Field, West Palm Beach, Florida, US Naval Hospital, Long Beach, California, US Marine Hospital, Evansville, Indiana, Newton D Baker, Veterans Hospital, Martinsburg, West Virginia. Camel broadcast go out to The United States Three times a week. I rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are still stationed and to our good neighbors in Central And South America. And now back to Buda Avenue and Lou Costello. Well, Costello, next week is the opening of the baseball season. Yes. It'll be a great week for my uncle, Artie Stebbins. You know, he was a famous baseball player. He played and played till he got so old he couldn't tell a ball from a strike. And then what happened? They made him an umpire. Good night, folks. Good night. Good night, everybody.
[00:22:29] Unknown:
Lucky Land Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line of the deli, I guess?
[00:22:36] Unknown:
In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never win intel. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com.
[00:22:53] Unknown:
Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void represented by law. 18 plus terms and conditions plus. See what type of details.
Listen up, buttercup. It's time to get off your grab some weights, and get back in shape. But what's gonna be different this time? You're gonna sign up with the BODI app. That's BODI with an I. You know BODI for p 90 x and hundreds of proven programs that get you ripped, And they're all here on the app along with great new programs and all the nutrition and supplements you need to nail your routine. And right now, if you sign up for a one year subscription to BODY, you'll get an instant $30 discount, and the BODY app rocks. Rocks. CNN underscore just rated BODY the best fitness app, so you know it works. Will it be tough? Hell, yeah. But this is the structure you need to get the gains you want, and BODY stands behind your results. If you don't lose five to 10 pounds in your first thirty days, you don't pay. Now here's the deal. The next 500 people who sign up for a year of BODY get an instant $30 off. That saves you 59%, but this is a limited time offer. Just go to bODY.com, get your $30 off, and get started today. That's bodywithani.com.
[00:01:00] Unknown:
Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, cannolis, and and spins mean everything. Now you wanna get mixed up in the family business. Introducing The Godfather at chompacasino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of The Godfather slot. Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play The Godfather now at chumpacasino.com.
[00:01:28] Unknown:
Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VVW group. Way where prohibited by Ma. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply.
[00:01:46] Unknown:
C a m e l s. That's right, folks.
[00:01:50] Unknown:
C for comedy, a for Abbott, m for Maxwell, e for Ennis, l for Lou Costello. Put them all together and they spell camel. Experience is the best teacher. Try a camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking camels than ever before. And draw up a chair for tonight's camel show starring Bud Evan and Luke Costello.
[00:02:19] Unknown:
Hey,
[00:02:33] Unknown:
here. Hey, by the way, what were you doing at Universal International Studios this morning? Oh, I had to take my pet flies over there. You took flies to a picture studio. What for? To get them a screen test. I, I, you idiot. Who who was that red headed girl?
[00:02:47] Unknown:
Hey, hello. Who Who was that red headed girl that was with you?
[00:02:50] Unknown:
Oh, she's been chasing after me for years, Abbott. I call her pilot light. Pilot light? Yeah. She's an old flame that stayed lit. But she's a lovely girl, Abbott. She's very social. Does she have,
[00:03:03] Unknown:
does she have good connections, Lou? I beg your pardon? Does she have good connections? Well, she never fell apart while I was with her. No. No. No. No. I'm talking about her connections. Tell us her associates.
[00:03:14] Unknown:
Does she belong to the junior league? Belong to the junior league? No. She belongs to the coast league. What? She used to pitch for the San Francisco seal.
[00:03:23] Unknown:
And still I'm talking about the junior league. Society. Has she come out yet? Has she made her debut? Her what? Her debut?
[00:03:31] Unknown:
Oh, sure. Every time she comes out, debut.
[00:03:35] Unknown:
Naboo. Alright. They say blue.
[00:03:37] Unknown:
Get in the house. Alright.
[00:03:39] Unknown:
K. But she's very she's very high tone of it. What do you mean? She was born in the South Of England. Oh, I see. Her family came from Wales. Her family came from Wales? Yes. I thought her composition sounded a little fishy. God. God. God's
[00:03:51] Unknown:
hands, please. Wales Wales is part of England. That means they're English people. Now, what does her father do, Luke? He's got a big diplomatic job with a bakery. A diplomatic job in a bakery? Yeah. In Hell's Bakery. He's a British adviser to the English crumpets. Forget
[00:04:09] Unknown:
about her father. What does what does she do? What does she do? Yes. Well, she weighs two hundred and fifty pounds and she's got a big job as a sand hog. Now, how could a woman be a sand hog? She sits around the beach all day and hogs the sand. Sounds like quite a family. Are they wealthy? Wealthy. Abbot. They got a Chateau in France, a villa in Switzerland, a castle of Spain, and a hacienda in Mexico. Where do they live? In a quonset hut in Glendale.
[00:04:31] Unknown:
You're
[00:04:32] Unknown:
wasting your time with these people. Why don't you get yourself a good job? I had a good job once, Abbot. I worked for a foot doctor. I used to put birdseed in people's shoes. Birdseed in people's shoes? Boy, that keeps their pigeon toes away from their corn.
[00:04:53] Unknown:
Look, Estelle. I'm only trying to help you. Look. Why don't you listen to me? You can change. I used to be dumb like you once. I was ignorant, stupid, and ugly. And you know what? What caused the change? What change? I, not selling them. There must be some way to get you a job. Wait a minute. I've got it. I'll speak to Harry Ridoff about you. Wait a minute. Better still, I'll have my brother get you a job where he works, at the nut and bolt factory. Your brother works at the nut and bolt factory? Yes. What's he doing there? Nothing. Nothing? He just said he's working. He is working. Doing what? Nothing. And he gets paid for doing nothing? Well, certainly. Yeah. But if I get a good job at the nut and bone factory, what will I be doing? Nothing. Now you're talking. That's the kind of job I want. Ah, you're over here. Nutting is hard work. My brother puts in eight hours a day, five days a week. Doing nothing? That's right. Look, Cabot, your brother works in a nothing bull factory. Yes. Are you sure he don't do nothing besides nothing? Well,
[00:05:44] Unknown:
sometimes he works in the foundry department, Then he forges steels. How do you like that? He ain't satisfied getting paid for doing nothing. Now he forges and steals. Abigail brother is a crook. He is not a crook. Definitely. He's worked hard all his life.
[00:05:59] Unknown:
Before he worked in the nut and bolt factory, he worked in a rope factory. What's he doing in a rope factory? Knottin'. Well, that's different. I mean, he did. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What did you say he was doing in a rope factory? Nothing. Nothing. This guy's been getting away with murder. So far, he's had two jobs up to now. He's been doing nothing and nothing. Costell, listen to me, and I'll try to explain it so that even you can understand. Thank you. The rope factory makes tennis nets. What? Nets. Nets. And nets for you, too. No. That's it, you idiot. My brother made tennis nets. Nets. The nets are tied together with knots and my brother does knotting. Just a second, Adam. When did your brother start knotting?
[00:06:34] Unknown:
Knotting? Oh, about three years ago. And what's he doing now? I told you. Knotting. Look. Up to now, you told me less than that. You said your brother did nothing for three years, and now he's doing nothing. When is he gonna start doing something? He is doing something. What? Nothing. Nothing or something? Really? Well, Lavin, one of us is nuts. Look. Don't your brother get tired of doing nothing? Oh, of course. When he gets tired, he takes a vacation. What does he do on his vacation? Nothing. Now there is a pretty picture. This guy does nothing for three years, but doing nothing is too tough for him. So he gets a new job doing nothing. Then he gets tired of doing nothing. So he takes a vacation and does nothing. Now you've got it. Well, if I got it, I caught it from you.
[00:07:29] Unknown:
Hi, fellow.
[00:07:30] Unknown:
It's time for you to start thinking of the future. Why don't you get a good job? Be industrious. Keep your nose to the grindstone. Save your money and in ten years, you can retire and you won't have to work, Lou. Why should I go through all that? I'm not working now.
[00:07:44] Unknown:
I don't believe you ever had a job. Oh, guys, a sucker to work, Abbot. All you gotta do is go on one of those quiz programs. The other night, my aunt made $19,000 in cash, a refrigerator, two washing machines, and a brand new house. Boy, that's wonderful. Yeah. And she was one of the losers.
[00:07:59] Unknown:
Costello, please. Aren't you interested in betting yourself? Why don't you find an honest job? What? And quit radio? I don't.
[00:08:08] Unknown:
Why don't you look at the ads in the paper and find a job for yourself? Oh, I got a job all picked out of it. You have I saw an ad in the funny papers. It said sell 24 bottles of cheap schmooze pot remover and get a magic lantern free. I can also win the $500 grand prize by selling a 75,000,000
[00:08:22] Unknown:
bottles. Oh, Castell. There are only a 30,000,000
[00:08:25] Unknown:
people in The United States. So what? I got friends in Mexico.
[00:08:30] Unknown:
Well, now wait a minute. Selling spot remover is better than doing nothing at all. Come on. Let's go over and see this Chief Schmoe. Well, here it is, Costello. See the sign on the door? Chief Schmoe's Indian Remedy Company. Butt remover, Indian tonics, scalp treatments, and Tommy Hawkes Charpentier. Well, come on. Let's go in.
[00:08:55] Unknown:
Well, good morning, gentlemen. As the Santa Fe train said to the freight train, I am the chief. Whoo.
[00:09:03] Unknown:
Costello, hey. This guy don't look like an Indian to me. Sure he is. I can tell by the way he's dressed. He's wearing an arrow collar and a bow tie. Get it? Bow and arrow. Get your pictures, madamot. I'm pitching him in there tonight.
[00:09:17] Unknown:
I am, sir. My,
[00:09:19] Unknown:
Chief Small. My friend Costello read your ads in the funny papers, and he'd like to try selling your spot remover. Well, to be a Chief Small salesman, Costello, you'll have to have fire in your voice. You've gotta glow with feeling blazed with personality.
[00:09:32] Unknown:
What do you want? A salesman or a blowtorcher?
[00:09:34] Unknown:
Do you think Costello can handle his job? Costello, we'll have to fill out this application form. I'll read the questions and when they apply to you, just answer yes. Were you a college graduate? Were you a high school graduate? Were you a grammar school graduate? Were you born? Well, I'll turn the form over on the other side and see if it goes any lower. Costello, our personnel is highly restricted, especially selective. We demand the highest qualification. What makes you think you could be a cheap small salesman? When I saw your ad in the funny papers? Oh, good. For a while, I didn't think you had the qualification. Now, before you go out to sell cheap smoke spot remover, I want to give you a few pointers about being a door to door salesman. I don't want to be a door salesman. Who wants to sell doors? I want to sell spot remover.
So, young man, when I say you sell door to door, I don't mean you sell door. I mean that you sell spot remover even though you're selling door to door. How do you like that? Now the Indians aren't doing our routine. Now, Costello, when a housewife tries to slam the door on you, make sure your foot is in the way. But my foot might get hurt. In your case, stick your head in my door. Now here's your 24 bottles of spot remover in your sample case. Sell these and you get the magic lantern. Wait a minute. Let me get this right, gee. If Costello sells, the 24 bottles in one day, he not only gets the magic lantern, but also a special prize? That is correct. This week, we have a very valuable prize, a genuine 12 foot pole. 12 foot pole. What's that for? That's for girls you can't touch with a 10 foot pole.
That's going to sell that spot.
[00:11:19] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. There's a woman right over there, Costello. Why don't you make her your first customer? Okay. That's a good idea. Pardon me, miss. Well, if it isn't mister Orbit and mister Costello.
[00:11:31] Unknown:
You fought, little man. You.
[00:11:34] Unknown:
Costello is Costello is selling spot remover.
[00:11:37] Unknown:
Oh, fine. I'd love to patronize him, but I'm very busy. I'm on my way to Armgee Arm Studios. Uh-uh. Armgee Arm Studios?
[00:11:48] Unknown:
Why Abbott? You heard of Armgee Arm Studios? That's where they make pouchers with Clark Goebel. Luna Tuna and Mookie Rooley.
[00:12:00] Unknown:
Did you ever Yes. Yes, sir. Did you ever opt at Aum Jeong with sponsor Trusy?
[00:12:07] Unknown:
No. But I was a cool boy at Republic
[00:12:10] Unknown:
with Ruy Rooges.
[00:12:18] Unknown:
Well, I must be toggling along. As we say in Norwegian,
[00:12:25] Unknown:
to you? And a wad of busted bubblegum and a kisser to you too.
[00:12:33] Unknown:
Well, there you go. Hey. Skinny. Castello is selling spot remover. Would you like to buy some? No. Thanks. I don't need any. Oh, you don't, You certainly do. Look at the stains on your necktie. I can tell everything you had for lunch. Shrimp, lamb chowder, lamb chops, and coffee. Why, there's only one clean spot on your whole necktie. I know. I'm saving that for dessert.
[00:12:51] Unknown:
Never mind him, Costello. Hey. Look. Here comes Merrill Maxwell. Oh, Louis. The most wonderful thing has happened. I've just been chosen California's queen of the Orange Grove. Marilyn, can I be your smudge pot? Oh, Louis. You're so cute. Marilyn, can I come over to your house tonight? Not tonight, Louis. I'm washing my dog. How about tomorrow night? Well, tomorrow night I'm taking my dog to the dog show. How about Saturday night? Saturday night I'm busy.
[00:13:17] Unknown:
What's your dog doing?
[00:13:24] Unknown:
Marilyn,
[00:13:26] Unknown:
Castell is selling spot removal. Would you like to buy a bottle? Well, is it any good?
[00:13:30] Unknown:
Oh, sure. That's my line. Certainly, it's good. I'll show you. Oh, there's a little spot on your dress. Now I soak my handkerchief with a spot remover and rub it on your dress.
[00:13:42] Unknown:
Don't just stand there, rabbit. Throw a blanket around her. Louis, you've ruined my dress. Goodbye. Well, Well, Costello, you certainly lost Marilyn for a customer. Well, come on. Let's go in here to Mrs. Whitwashers' house. Oh,
[00:13:56] Unknown:
hello, Mr. Abbott. Oh, my. I wonder who left that garbage can on my front stool. Oh, pardon me. That's That's Costello.
[00:14:12] Unknown:
Oh, Mrs. Whitwash. We don't wanna bother you if you have company. Company? Well, I'm here all alone. Then who are those two people looking over your shoulder? Oh, pardon me. That's your ears.
[00:14:23] Unknown:
Buy it, Costello. Buy it. Buy it. It's Mrs. Whitwatch. Costello's selling a sputter remover.
[00:14:28] Unknown:
What? What is it? They're selling sputter remover. Selling it? Yeah. You ought to drink some
[00:14:33] Unknown:
ice.
[00:14:34] Unknown:
Drink spot remover. Spot remover. Oh, I thought you said pot remover.
[00:14:45] Unknown:
Knock it out of here before I slam the door on you. Come on, Costello. Come on. Okay. No. No. We can't. Remember what chief Schmoe said? If a woman tries to close the door, stick your head in. Go ahead. Slam the door, missus Whitwas. Alright.
[00:15:00] Unknown:
Missus Whitwas,
[00:15:01] Unknown:
you've slammed the door on Costello's hand. Oh, my boy, little man. I'll buy all your socks, remove every bottle. I'll stroke your head until the swelling goes down, and then I'll put my arms around you. I'll cuddle you close to me, and I'll kiss you and kiss you and kiss you and kiss you. Costello, can you hear me?
[00:15:18] Unknown:
Yes. Land the door on my head again.
[00:15:28] Unknown:
Keith, just give, Costello's magic lantern and we'll be going.
[00:15:31] Unknown:
Not not so fast, boys. By selling that spot remover, Costello was only qualified for the magic lantern. Now all he has to do is help me sell 980
[00:15:40] Unknown:
bottles of Schmoe's Indian water. I can sell anything. I even sold insurance. I sold Lana Turner some sweater insurance. I sold Dorothy L'amour some Sarang insurance. I even sold Gypsy Rose Lee insurance too.
[00:15:51] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Why did Gypsy Rose Lee have insurance? These Indians lead sheltered lives, don't they?
[00:15:59] Unknown:
She took full coverage. Wait a minute. Why should this boy have to sell nine eighty bottles of Schmoe's Indian water? Chief, this sounds like a shady deal. Mr. Abbott, there's $50 in it for you if you can get Costello to help me. Oh, that's different.
[00:16:15] Unknown:
Costello, I think it's a splendid idea. Wait a minute. Now down. Now Wait a minute. You just said it was a shady deal. The smog cleared up pretty fast, didn't it?
[00:16:24] Unknown:
Steve, what does this, what does this Indian water do? Moe's Indian water is the elixir of you. It takes years off your life. Why Al Jolson took one teaspoonful, and do you know what happened? Larry Parks. Yeah. Come and me. Come into the laboratory and meet the Indians who make Moe's Indian water.
[00:16:44] Unknown:
This is our head, Kevin. Me, Vic Brave. We're Abbott and Costello. You ever listen to our radio program? Me not that brave. Mister Brave, Brave, I dabble in chemistry myself. Listen to this. H202S3. What's that? Ethyl alcohol. Then there's h one s s o five. What's that? Ethyl chloride. Then there's H I 2183. What's that? Ethyl Schultz. That's her phone number. If a man answers, that's the wrong formula.
[00:17:12] Unknown:
Now, this is where we make the famous Shmoes Indian water that brings back you. This big Indian fills that pot with herbs. His squaw stirs the mixture all day long. And at night when it's finished, he licks her. He licks her?
[00:17:27] Unknown:
He licks her. Now there's gratitude for you. The poor squaw sits all day over a hot fire stirring that pot. Then at night, the syneon comes along and gives her a beating. What are you talking about? I'm gonna report this to the police habit. Beaten that poor woman, Chris. Tell her nobody's getting a beating. He just said a squash stirs the pot all day. Then at night, this thing here comes along, and he licks her. What's the what's wrong with that? What's wrong with it? Nobody's gonna hit the squall when I'm around. If he licks her tonight, I'll have to lick the he'll lick the lick me too. Well, look what he says.
[00:17:52] Unknown:
He don't mean he licks her. He means elixir, and elixir is her name. Well, why didn't you say so? I know her very well. She works for Warner Brothers. Who works for Warner Brothers? The elixir Smith. Oh, you. This elixir is atomic. It makes you feel young. It's it's a a pick me up. It's a what? Pick me up. Okay.
[00:18:07] Unknown:
Put me down, you idiot. You just asked me to pick you up. I did not. I said pick me up. And now put me down. Have a make up of your mind. Well, gentlemen, we're ready to go. Hop into the truck and we'll make our pitch in an empty lot and sell a nine eighty bottles of Shmoe's Elixir of Life.
[00:18:29] Unknown:
Hey, Costello. Castello. Look at that crowd with people coming to buy cheap Shmoe's Elixir of Youth. Go ahead. Make her big. Okay.
[00:18:37] Unknown:
Hiya, babe. Gee, you're cute. What are you doing tonight?
[00:18:43] Unknown:
Wrong pitch. Wrong pitch. Yeah. Boys. Boys. I'll make the pitch. And Costello, Costello, you sell the medicine. And remember, back up everything I say. Yes. And remember that, Costello. Anything the chief says, you back him up. I get it. Friends, I am chief smoke. Anyone that drinks smokes Indian water can be young forever. It takes years off your life. Look at me. I am 239 years old. I've been drinking this water since I was a young man. I've worn out four Schafer lifetime pen. Look at me. 239 years old. Friends, the medicine is $1 a bottle. My assistant will pass among you. Go ahead, Castillo. Okay. Moe's Indian water, $1 a bottle. How about you, lady? I'll take one. But, young man, is that Indian really 239
[00:19:28] Unknown:
years old? You couldn't prove it by me, lady. I've only been with him a hundred and forty six years. Alright, you fat figure. I'm an officer of the Lord. How long did you say you were working for that Indian?
[00:19:40] Unknown:
I'm gonna apply for the job tomorrow morning.
[00:19:44] Unknown:
That's enough of that. Into the patrol wagon, butchers. Nah. Just a minute. I'll solve for my friend here. You see, Costello was told to say he was a hundred and 40 six years old. Well, Costello would be a hundred and 40 six years old by the time he gets out of jail. Into the patrol wagon above you. Well, Costello, you you certainly got us in a fine mess this time. Don't pull me out, Abbott. I've been through too much already. I'm tired and I'm thirsty. Thirsty? I know. I'll drink a couple of bottles of cheap schmoozy lecture of youth. You oh. Costello.
[00:20:19] Unknown:
Don't drink that junk. That that stuff is a
[00:20:25] Unknown:
I've been lying here.
[00:20:28] Unknown:
But, Costello,
[00:20:31] Unknown:
I don't see you. All I see is a is a fat little boy.
[00:20:34] Unknown:
Ever. That stuff works. The fat little boy is me.
[00:20:40] Unknown:
Costello, this is wonderful. They can trust you, child. When we get to the station house, I'll jump out of the patrol wagon wagon and run. Then you you you turn when I turn you loose, I mean, you come right home to hear.
[00:20:53] Unknown:
Mhmm. Bye bye, Jasper.
[00:20:58] Unknown:
I like your crooks. Come out of that wagon.
[00:21:00] Unknown:
There ain't no crooks in here, mister Pritman. Only wreck of me.
[00:21:07] Unknown:
Oh, how many times did I tell you kids not to hitch rides on the patrol wagon? Don't you know it's round to do a thing like that? Why? Why do you always do these things? Oh, why not
[00:21:20] Unknown:
bad boy?
[00:21:29] Unknown:
We'll be back in just a moment for Camel Cigarettes. During the war, the makers of Camel Cigarettes sent a total of more than 150,000,000 free camels to our fighting men overseas. Now free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week, the camels go to Veterans Hospital, Conondaga, New York, USAAF Station Hospital, Morrison Field, West Palm Beach, Florida, US Naval Hospital, Long Beach, California, US Marine Hospital, Evansville, Indiana, Newton D Baker, Veterans Hospital, Martinsburg, West Virginia. Camel broadcast go out to The United States Three times a week. I rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are still stationed and to our good neighbors in Central And South America. And now back to Buda Avenue and Lou Costello. Well, Costello, next week is the opening of the baseball season. Yes. It'll be a great week for my uncle, Artie Stebbins. You know, he was a famous baseball player. He played and played till he got so old he couldn't tell a ball from a strike. And then what happened? They made him an umpire. Good night, folks. Good night. Good night, everybody.
[00:22:29] Unknown:
Lucky Land Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line of the deli, I guess?
[00:22:36] Unknown:
In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never win intel. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com.
[00:22:53] Unknown:
Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Void represented by law. 18 plus terms and conditions plus. See what type of details.
