In this lively episode, we dive into a comedic skit featuring the iconic duo, Abbott and Costello. The episode opens with a humorous take on Napoleon Bonaparte, as Costello attempts to convince everyone, including Universal Studios, that he is the perfect fit for the role of Napoleon in a new film. The banter between Abbott and Costello is filled with witty exchanges and classic comedic timing, as Costello's antics and Abbott's straight-man responses create a delightful comedic experience. From Costello's attempts to woo women to his hilarious misunderstandings, the episode is a testament to the timeless humor of Abbott and Costello.
The episode also features a series of interactions with various characters, including Costello's old girlfriend, Tessie Tinfoil, and his friend Scotty Brown, each adding their own comedic flair to the narrative. As Costello navigates through a series of humorous situations, including a mock play where he portrays Napoleon, the episode culminates in a comedic twist involving a pun on "Waterloo." This episode is a nostalgic nod to classic radio comedy, showcasing the enduring appeal of Abbott and Costello's humor.
(00:00) Judy's Casino Adventure
(01:21) Costello's Napoleon Ambitions
(07:42) The Autograph Mishaps
(14:06) The Napoleon Play
(20:10) The Battle of Waterloo
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[00:01:01] Unknown:
I love that.
[00:01:22] Unknown:
Castella. Castella, what are you doing what are you doing dressed up like Napoleon Bonaparte?
[00:01:27] Unknown:
Well, you see, at the Universal Studios, you're gonna make a picture called Napoleon and Juniper. And I'm gonna play Napoleon. There's only one thing that stands in my way. What's that? Charles Boyer. Stella, are you classing yourself with Charles Boyer? What's Boyer got that I haven't got five times as much as?
[00:01:50] Unknown:
You've certainly got a lot of nerve, Costello, comparing yourself with Charles Boyer. Yeah. Do you realize that he won an Oscar for his performance in Gaslight? I was in a picture. Wait a minute. I saw Gaslight. I didn't see you in it. I turned on the gas. Never mind that. How can you compare yourself with Boyet?
[00:02:10] Unknown:
He's got charm. I got charm. He dresses like a fashion plate. I can dress like a fashion plate. And Boyet has sex appeal. I can dress like a fashion plate. I should've quit when I was eating.
[00:02:23] Unknown:
But, Costello, Charles Moore, he can make women swoon by just slowing his eyelids. They call him, droopy eyes. It's the same thing with me. Women call you droopy eyes? No. Saggy breeches.
[00:02:36] Unknown:
Priscilla, this is ridiculous.
[00:02:38] Unknown:
Absolutely ridiculous. The picture Napoleon And Josephine calls for a great lover.
[00:02:45] Unknown:
For instance, like me. Like you. There is certainly why women don't fall all over me. Women fall all over you. All over me. The things you go out with are too old to stand up.
[00:02:56] Unknown:
Be serious. Be serious, Costello. Why, in my day as a dramatic actor, women threw flowers at my feet. They threw jewelry at my feet. They even threw themselves at my feet.
[00:03:07] Unknown:
What does your feet count that you haven't got, hon? I got you. Will you cut that out, please? The role of Napoleon calls for an experienced actor. Oh, that's me, Abbot. When I was three years old, I used to put on plates in my garage, and I'd charge two pins a mission. And when the show was open, I'd get the pins back. Give the pins back what for? So the audience wouldn't lose their ruffles on their way home. But, Castella, please. I know. I know. You're gonna be a senior.
[00:03:33] Unknown:
But, yes, Stella, please listen to me. In order to play the part of Napoleon, you have to have an education. Now where did you get your education? At the corner of Hollywood And Vine. You get no. No. No. No. No. No. You can't learn anything at the corner of Hollywood And Vine. You can on a windy day. Oh,
[00:03:47] Unknown:
Stella Bean. Go take the the Napoleon costume off and forget it. You don't even look like Napoleon. Oh, yes. I do have it. Look. I got my hair all slicked down and shiny. What kind of oil is that you got on your hand? It's a new kind of oil. I got it out of a little tin can. There's only one thing wrong with it. What's that? I don't know what to do with all those little sardines. Oh, wash that sardine oil off your hair. You you have a bunch of pets following you. Oh, I don't want cats. I even know a woman who lives with cats. Who? Missus cats.
[00:04:15] Unknown:
Hello? That's an
[00:04:17] Unknown:
old joke. Mister Katz is an old man.
[00:04:20] Unknown:
I should've quit when I was even. Now look. I refuse to discuss this any longer, Costello. Napoleon was a romantic.
[00:04:26] Unknown:
He had a lot of women in his life. Have you ever been out with the opposite sex? No. But it wasn't my fault. It wasn't your fault? No. My mother wouldn't tell me which was the opposite sex. Of course.
[00:04:41] Unknown:
Will you please stop, sir, it's Castello? I'm just this to be played. I'm just going to see how you would play a love scene with a girl. Now let's pretend that I'm the first girl you ever met in your life.
[00:04:52] Unknown:
I sure start out with a dog, don't I?
[00:04:58] Unknown:
Forget how I look. Just just say to yourself that I'm a beautiful girl.
[00:05:03] Unknown:
Well, come on. It couldn't be that soft soft of Alright.
[00:05:08] Unknown:
Boy, does doctor Cowans get you on the phone? They certainly do. Well, just remember that old adage, beauty is only skinned. Well, go out and skin yourself and come back in. Well, you know, Pascal. I tried to help you, and you haven't got the intelligence to appreciate it. You haven't got the brain of a two year old child. Yeah. But look at the difference in our rages. Alright. Alright. I'm going to give you one more chance. Now I'm your girlfriend, Gladys. I'm sitting in the parlor by the fire reading a book. What do you mean? Forever amber. What do you want with a fire?
[00:05:38] Unknown:
Yes. Never mind. Please. I'm sitting there waiting for you to knock on the front door. Well, here I am, darling. Wait a minute. You didn't knock on the front door? I sneaked in the back door. I used to be a nice man. I look. Well,
[00:05:50] Unknown:
alright. Now now you're in. Now, sit here. Sit down here. Sit down here by me on the sofa. Okay. Don't don't sit way over there. Move closer. I I'm your girlfriend. Remember? Mhmm. Move closer.
[00:06:01] Unknown:
How's this? Oh, no. No. No. No. No. A little closer.
[00:06:04] Unknown:
Closer. Closer. Costello.
[00:06:08] Unknown:
How do you like that? I went right past her.
[00:06:11] Unknown:
I told you you didn't know how to make love to a girl at nine. I'll have to show you how to make love. Now you be the girl, and I'll come to call on you. What kind of a girl am I? Am I pretty? Oh, what difference does it make? I don't care if you're cross eyed and bow legged as long as you're a girl. Oh, you men are all alike. Alright. Alright, Costello. You're a 23 year old girl, and you're you're lying on the floor playing with your dogs. How do you like that? A girl, 23 years old, playing with her feet. Look. Stella, please, I'll show you how to make love to a girl. Remember, you know the girl now, and and I'm coming to call on you. Now here I come.
[00:06:47] Unknown:
And, Costello, why don't you answer the door? I've just shown you I'm hard to get. I'm not gonna open up the door. Me.
[00:06:55] Unknown:
I'm coming in anyway. What are you screaming for? I'm taking a bath. You're you're taking a
[00:07:02] Unknown:
you're taking a bath? Yes. I just finished my dinner. What's finishing your dinner got to do with you being in the bathtub? I'm taking a bath and washing the dishes at the same time.
[00:07:11] Unknown:
I give up. I approve. Oh, no, Abba. Don't give up. Please give me another chance. Oh, alright. Now Here I come again to call on you. Now I told you that I was going to teach you how to make love to, to a girl. This time, I'm going through with it. Now come into my,
[00:07:24] Unknown:
No, Abba. No. Stella? I won't. No. Stop pushing me. Do you hear?
[00:07:34] Unknown:
Oh, Costello,
[00:07:35] Unknown:
why did you push me out of the window? I had to have it. I thought I heard my husband comment. Costello, where have you been? I was out of you at Russia Studios, Adam, and they tested me for the point of Napoleon. Am I happy? You sure seen the way they fixed me up? They put on Max Factor pancake, Max Factor cleansing cream, and Max Factor face powder. How did you look? Like Max Factor.
[00:07:59] Unknown:
Never mind that. How did they make you look like Napoleon? Your your nose is, is too stubby. That's easy, Evan. They taped up my nose. They taped up your nose? Yeah. How did you smell? Not bad. Right.
[00:08:10] Unknown:
Hey. You know, I'm a sincet at the party Napoleon.
[00:08:13] Unknown:
Hello. Luca Costello speaking. Just a moment, mister Castello. The president of Universal wants to speak to you. Tell you, but this is it. Here's your party, mister Bloomberg. Hello, Castello. Yes, mister Bloomberg? Castello, you were out here this morning just to depart on Napoleon. Yes. I was. Well, I want you to get out here to the studio right away. Set apart? No. You left your hat here.
[00:08:36] Unknown:
How do you like that, Abbot? They turned me down. They can't do that to me, the great Shakespearean actor. Why, I played Romeo and Juliet all last year at the Hippodrome Theater in New York. Oh, yeah. Dope. The Hippodrome Theater has been closed for five years. It has? No wonder I didn't give any applause. Abbott, lots of my fans would like to see me play Napoleon. Oh, why don't you stop this, Costello? I'll prove it to you, Abbott. Let's go out and take a poll from door to door. Come on. Hey. Let's stop at this house. My old girlfriend, Tessie Tinfoil. She lives here.
[00:09:10] Unknown:
Oh, men. Come in.
[00:09:19] Unknown:
Tessie Tessie, you don't look so good today.
[00:09:23] Unknown:
I don't feel so good. I bought eight bottles of leg makeup, and I'm having a terrible time. What seems to be the trouble? How many bottles do you have to drink before the stuff goes to your leg?
[00:09:34] Unknown:
Look, Tessie. I'm making a house to house poll. How How would you like to see me on a screen as Napoleon? Oh, I think you'd be marvelous, lover boy. Maybe I could play your leading lady, Josephine. No. I'm afraid not, Tessie. In the first place, you're too fat. And I come to think of it, you're too fat in the second place too.
[00:09:51] Unknown:
Well, don't don't be discouraged, Costello.
[00:09:54] Unknown:
Hey, mister Costello. Will you give me your autograph? Why, certainly, little boy. Here. Hey, ma. I win the lollipop. I told you that jerk would ride.
[00:10:05] Unknown:
I'm at my cell. Get away from that kid.
[00:10:09] Unknown:
Don't hear.
[00:10:10] Unknown:
Let's try this next door.
[00:10:17] Unknown:
Yeah. I am. You're alright, aren't you? I'm with Costello. How would you like to see me on the screen as Napoleon? Oh, that would be dandy. You are my favorite star, mister Costello. I think you're the finest actor in pictures. I think you're the funniest man on the radio. Thank you. I have an autographed picture of you that that I would like to hang up in my room, but I can't. Why can't you hang it up? Well, I can't find a nail long enough to go through the padding on my cell.
[00:10:49] Unknown:
Well, you are, Costello. You see? Wise guy. Do you realize that the only people who love you are dumbbells? Thank you, Evan. How do you think you can't? I think here. Here. Careful.
[00:10:59] Unknown:
Pardon me, mister Costello. Could I have your autograph? I just gave you my autograph a a few minutes ago. I know, but you wrote it on the same page with Charles Laughton. So what? His autograph held its nose and kicked ears off the page. You got it here. Get out. Out. That's not a leader. Out. Out. You leave him alone? Who's frightened for you? Now wait a minute. Just a minute.
[00:11:19] Unknown:
Leave
[00:11:21] Unknown:
those children alone. Hey. Look, Costello. Here comes your old friend, Scotty Brown. Who's my love is? Scotty, what what have you got under your arm? Well, it's a book of ghost stories, and my wife just had a new baby. What does ghost stories got to do with a new baby? Well, I read my wife the ghost stories, and her teeth chatter so loud, I don't need a rattle for the baby. Well, Scotty, how would you like to see me on a screen as Napoleon? Would not be interested, laddie. I do not go to theaters anymore. Why not, Scotty? Well, I used to live 12 blocks from a theater, but now we've moved two blocks further away. Well, what's what's that got to do with it? Well, I don't finish dinner until five minutes to six. And now no matter how fast I run, I can't get there before the prices change. So long
[00:12:05] Unknown:
now. Oh, come on, Costello. Let's try another house. Pardon me, mister Costello. Could I have your autograph? Now wait a minute, kid. I've given you my autograph free time. What do you do with my autograph? Well, if I get three more of yours, I can trade it for one of Trigger's footprints. Oh, yeah?
[00:12:19] Unknown:
Ouch. Ouch.
[00:12:22] Unknown:
Ouch. CUSTOMER. What did you do? I just gave him one of my footprints.
[00:12:26] Unknown:
Oh, forget him. Come on. Oh, I suck my little fever now. Never mind that. Let's let's try this door over here. Come on.
[00:12:35] Unknown:
Oh, hello, miss Rabbit. Oh, you dear man. Don't tell me you're selling washing machine. Oh, pardon me. That tub is Costello.
[00:12:47] Unknown:
You better close that door quick, missus Niles. You're able to get arrested for indecent exposure. Indecent exposure? Yes, ma'am. You're out here in broad daylight with your face showing.
[00:12:57] Unknown:
I heard that remark, Costello.
[00:12:59] Unknown:
What do you mean by insulting my wife that way? Because I don't know any other way.
[00:13:03] Unknown:
Tell me, Ken. Was missus Niles just as homely the day you proposed to her? Well, I don't know. She was catching for the Brooklyn Dodgers and had her mask on.
[00:13:15] Unknown:
One moment mark like that, and I'll cut the string on your yo yo. I
[00:13:22] Unknown:
please. Please, folks. Please. Let's stop arguing. Costello. Costello came here to ask you if you'd like to see him on the screen as Napoleon. I'd rather see him with Napoleon.
[00:13:32] Unknown:
Napoleon is there. You catch on fast, Fatima.
[00:13:39] Unknown:
Donna. You certainly told Costello all that time. Oh, you're so wonderful. You filled the breeze with a heavenly perfume.
[00:13:46] Unknown:
Oh, no, dear. You are the one that fills the breeze with heavenly perfume. Oh, no, dear. I insist you fill the breeze with heavenly perfume. No, dear. I insist you fill the breeze with heavenly perfume.
[00:13:57] Unknown:
Run to cover both. We caught a couple of stumps in our tracks.
[00:14:06] Unknown:
Well, Castello,
[00:14:07] Unknown:
you'll never convince Universal Studios that you can play the part of Napoleon. Yes. I will. Now you are. Ladies and gentlemen of our studio audience, I'm about to put on a play in which I will star in the role of Napoleon. No. No. Not that. We're not gonna sit through that. Who would a lousy actor? Open the doors, Lydia. Hey. That's still a lot. Look. It's Millerhead down there in the audience. Just a minute, Millerhead. I dare you to come up here on the stage. Alright. I'll come up there on the stage. Yeah. Well, come on up here. Alright, white guy. Now I'm up on the stage. Well, now you're up on a stage. I dare you to come over here and put your hand on my shoulder. Alright. I'll put my hand on your shoulder. There. Now I've got my hand on your shoulder.
[00:14:49] Unknown:
Now what? Let's dance. Oh, no.
[00:14:52] Unknown:
Let's tell a lot. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
[00:14:56] Unknown:
Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him you produced.
[00:15:11] Unknown:
Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here you go with those unsettling remarks again, Costello. You you get in my hair.
[00:15:20] Unknown:
Okay. But I have to wear my sneakers to look awful slippery at the end of the day.
[00:15:25] Unknown:
Pastello, now maybe if you talk nice to Melonette, he'd direct your plea for you. Melonette, could you make another child's boyier out of me? Costello, I could not only make a child's boyier out of you, but I'd have enough fat left over to make a case of life boyier. Alright. Now to the play. Costello, you will play Napoleon. Abbot here will be your friend, Tully Rand, and missus Niles here. She'll play your wife, Josephine.
[00:15:48] Unknown:
Oh, why does missus Niles always have to play my wife? Why can't I have a young girl like Ingrid Bergman? Costello, I've got everything that Ingrid Bergman has. Yeah. But why did you let yours get so shabby?
[00:16:02] Unknown:
Enough with this, Costello. Let's get on with the play. Mister Niles, will you please set the scene? Ladies and gentlemen, we present a stirring French drama entitled How Napoleon Lost the Battle of Waterloo or Costello Gets Caught with His France Down. As our scene opens, we find Napoleon sitting in the throne room waiting for his wife, Josephine, to enter.
[00:16:28] Unknown:
Good morning, your majesty. Come in, Josephine.
[00:16:33] Unknown:
Bonjour. My phone, Josephine. Pull up a phone chair and have a box of bonbon. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Hostello. Why do you put bone in front of everything? Oh, says Napoleon. I want to get the boner block. Can
[00:16:53] Unknown:
you please stand the building again? And why do you always stand with your hands stuck inside your coat? That's where I hide my butter. Gloria, I have come to you for some money. I'm sorry, Josephine, but the royal coppers are in bad shape. The royal coppers are in bad shape? Yes. Listen. That's enough.
[00:17:15] Unknown:
That's enough. Don't know, but you're wit that last course caught us, $35 more.
[00:17:24] Unknown:
Napoleon, I tell you I need money. You've given away all my jewels to Madame Dewberry.
[00:17:29] Unknown:
Yesterday, you gave her my diamond tiara. What do you care about your tiara? You still have your boondier? But, Josephine, here is something to replace the tiara. It's a gift from America. It's called tobacco, and it was discovered in Shamokin, Pennsylvania.
[00:17:45] Unknown:
Shamokin, Pennsylvania?
[00:17:47] Unknown:
Yes. It's called Shamokin tobacco.
[00:17:52] Unknown:
Oh, I'm having trouble with my subjects. I can't do a thing with my subjects. Who are you? The king? No. Just a high school student.
[00:18:06] Unknown:
Your majesty,
[00:18:07] Unknown:
Talleyrand has just come in. Good. I had $2 on his nose. No. I mean, please
[00:18:12] Unknown:
No. No. No, Costello. Look. Talleyrand isn't a horse. It's Abbott. Oh, with your cat. Yeah. Aye, Costello.
[00:18:18] Unknown:
Stick to the blade. Your majesty, I bring great tidings from the battlefield.
[00:18:23] Unknown:
Rome is about to fall. Let us drink a toast. Napoleon, you have been drinking too much lately. Drink water. Okay. Whatever it is, here's two victory.
[00:18:35] Unknown:
What was that? Rome. Just fell. Oh, we must have a grand ball to celebrate our victory. Napoleon, you must wear the new powdered wig I bought you. I refuse to wear it again. Well, it's made out of hair from your horse's tail. No wonder it keeps swatting flies and knocking my head off. Madam Josephine. Madam Josephine. I have come to fix your hair. Wait a minute. Who are you? Monsieur. I am a lady in waiting. Well, what are we waiting for?
[00:19:02] Unknown:
Come on over here. Kiss your poor old father. That's that'll stick to your line. I'm gonna try to stick to hers.
[00:19:11] Unknown:
Claudia, get your hands off and go. I'll have her sent to the guilty. Yes, your majesty. You wouldn't want me if I lost my head? I don't know. There'll still be enough left to have a date with.
[00:19:24] Unknown:
Oh, Talleyrand has just come in. Must have been stretched in the last race.
[00:19:31] Unknown:
Talk sense, Gastello. I bring you bad news from Russia. You know, you must go to your troops at once, but remember, it's freezing cold in your restaurant.
[00:19:41] Unknown:
I will fix your lunch. Would you like a nice hot dish? Yes. Yvonne, come here and kiss your poor old pirate.
[00:19:49] Unknown:
Costello, do you realize that Universal Studios is listening to this play? I refuse to direct this play any longer unless everybody takes orders from me. Okay, Mohit. You can do yours. Thanks, Costello. Yvonne, come here and kiss your poor old director. Can I get out of all? Come on.
[00:20:10] Unknown:
Come on. Break this up. My old director.
[00:20:13] Unknown:
Yeah, Emma.
[00:20:14] Unknown:
Break this up, please. Now let's get back to the play. Come on, Napoleon. Let us drink a toast to our coming victory in
[00:20:21] Unknown:
Napoleon. You must drink water. Remember? Oh, darn it. I'll be glad when the exile leads to that island. Then I can bend my elbow.
[00:20:31] Unknown:
Come to Pauline. Kiss Josephine goodbye. We must join your troops. Goodbye. There, Josephine.
[00:20:40] Unknown:
Josephine, your nose is wet.
[00:20:42] Unknown:
You kissed your horse. I'm over here.
[00:20:46] Unknown:
Now come over here and kiss me. I should've quit when I was even. Woah. Hey, Calibrand. What is this village? Your majesty,
[00:21:07] Unknown:
this is the village of Waterloo. Your troops are taking a terrible beating. Just listen.
[00:21:16] Unknown:
Oh, you poor man. I am Napoleon. Is there anything I can do for you? Yes. Get a larger cast. I'm sick and tired of the whole thing.
[00:21:31] Unknown:
Napoleon, I've come to ask your surrender. I'm Wellington. You have been defeated. Very well, Wellington. Never speak it close to your victory. Remember, Napoleon, you can't drink liquor. But I'm not really Napoleon. I'm Lou Costello. Well, in that case, here's your water, Lou. Water, Lou?
[00:21:50] Unknown:
Water, Lou. That's not Joe.
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[00:01:01] Unknown:
I love that.
[00:01:22] Unknown:
Castella. Castella, what are you doing what are you doing dressed up like Napoleon Bonaparte?
[00:01:27] Unknown:
Well, you see, at the Universal Studios, you're gonna make a picture called Napoleon and Juniper. And I'm gonna play Napoleon. There's only one thing that stands in my way. What's that? Charles Boyer. Stella, are you classing yourself with Charles Boyer? What's Boyer got that I haven't got five times as much as?
[00:01:50] Unknown:
You've certainly got a lot of nerve, Costello, comparing yourself with Charles Boyer. Yeah. Do you realize that he won an Oscar for his performance in Gaslight? I was in a picture. Wait a minute. I saw Gaslight. I didn't see you in it. I turned on the gas. Never mind that. How can you compare yourself with Boyet?
[00:02:10] Unknown:
He's got charm. I got charm. He dresses like a fashion plate. I can dress like a fashion plate. And Boyet has sex appeal. I can dress like a fashion plate. I should've quit when I was eating.
[00:02:23] Unknown:
But, Costello, Charles Moore, he can make women swoon by just slowing his eyelids. They call him, droopy eyes. It's the same thing with me. Women call you droopy eyes? No. Saggy breeches.
[00:02:36] Unknown:
Priscilla, this is ridiculous.
[00:02:38] Unknown:
Absolutely ridiculous. The picture Napoleon And Josephine calls for a great lover.
[00:02:45] Unknown:
For instance, like me. Like you. There is certainly why women don't fall all over me. Women fall all over you. All over me. The things you go out with are too old to stand up.
[00:02:56] Unknown:
Be serious. Be serious, Costello. Why, in my day as a dramatic actor, women threw flowers at my feet. They threw jewelry at my feet. They even threw themselves at my feet.
[00:03:07] Unknown:
What does your feet count that you haven't got, hon? I got you. Will you cut that out, please? The role of Napoleon calls for an experienced actor. Oh, that's me, Abbot. When I was three years old, I used to put on plates in my garage, and I'd charge two pins a mission. And when the show was open, I'd get the pins back. Give the pins back what for? So the audience wouldn't lose their ruffles on their way home. But, Castella, please. I know. I know. You're gonna be a senior.
[00:03:33] Unknown:
But, yes, Stella, please listen to me. In order to play the part of Napoleon, you have to have an education. Now where did you get your education? At the corner of Hollywood And Vine. You get no. No. No. No. No. No. You can't learn anything at the corner of Hollywood And Vine. You can on a windy day. Oh,
[00:03:47] Unknown:
Stella Bean. Go take the the Napoleon costume off and forget it. You don't even look like Napoleon. Oh, yes. I do have it. Look. I got my hair all slicked down and shiny. What kind of oil is that you got on your hand? It's a new kind of oil. I got it out of a little tin can. There's only one thing wrong with it. What's that? I don't know what to do with all those little sardines. Oh, wash that sardine oil off your hair. You you have a bunch of pets following you. Oh, I don't want cats. I even know a woman who lives with cats. Who? Missus cats.
[00:04:15] Unknown:
Hello? That's an
[00:04:17] Unknown:
old joke. Mister Katz is an old man.
[00:04:20] Unknown:
I should've quit when I was even. Now look. I refuse to discuss this any longer, Costello. Napoleon was a romantic.
[00:04:26] Unknown:
He had a lot of women in his life. Have you ever been out with the opposite sex? No. But it wasn't my fault. It wasn't your fault? No. My mother wouldn't tell me which was the opposite sex. Of course.
[00:04:41] Unknown:
Will you please stop, sir, it's Castello? I'm just this to be played. I'm just going to see how you would play a love scene with a girl. Now let's pretend that I'm the first girl you ever met in your life.
[00:04:52] Unknown:
I sure start out with a dog, don't I?
[00:04:58] Unknown:
Forget how I look. Just just say to yourself that I'm a beautiful girl.
[00:05:03] Unknown:
Well, come on. It couldn't be that soft soft of Alright.
[00:05:08] Unknown:
Boy, does doctor Cowans get you on the phone? They certainly do. Well, just remember that old adage, beauty is only skinned. Well, go out and skin yourself and come back in. Well, you know, Pascal. I tried to help you, and you haven't got the intelligence to appreciate it. You haven't got the brain of a two year old child. Yeah. But look at the difference in our rages. Alright. Alright. I'm going to give you one more chance. Now I'm your girlfriend, Gladys. I'm sitting in the parlor by the fire reading a book. What do you mean? Forever amber. What do you want with a fire?
[00:05:38] Unknown:
Yes. Never mind. Please. I'm sitting there waiting for you to knock on the front door. Well, here I am, darling. Wait a minute. You didn't knock on the front door? I sneaked in the back door. I used to be a nice man. I look. Well,
[00:05:50] Unknown:
alright. Now now you're in. Now, sit here. Sit down here. Sit down here by me on the sofa. Okay. Don't don't sit way over there. Move closer. I I'm your girlfriend. Remember? Mhmm. Move closer.
[00:06:01] Unknown:
How's this? Oh, no. No. No. No. No. A little closer.
[00:06:04] Unknown:
Closer. Closer. Costello.
[00:06:08] Unknown:
How do you like that? I went right past her.
[00:06:11] Unknown:
I told you you didn't know how to make love to a girl at nine. I'll have to show you how to make love. Now you be the girl, and I'll come to call on you. What kind of a girl am I? Am I pretty? Oh, what difference does it make? I don't care if you're cross eyed and bow legged as long as you're a girl. Oh, you men are all alike. Alright. Alright, Costello. You're a 23 year old girl, and you're you're lying on the floor playing with your dogs. How do you like that? A girl, 23 years old, playing with her feet. Look. Stella, please, I'll show you how to make love to a girl. Remember, you know the girl now, and and I'm coming to call on you. Now here I come.
[00:06:47] Unknown:
And, Costello, why don't you answer the door? I've just shown you I'm hard to get. I'm not gonna open up the door. Me.
[00:06:55] Unknown:
I'm coming in anyway. What are you screaming for? I'm taking a bath. You're you're taking a
[00:07:02] Unknown:
you're taking a bath? Yes. I just finished my dinner. What's finishing your dinner got to do with you being in the bathtub? I'm taking a bath and washing the dishes at the same time.
[00:07:11] Unknown:
I give up. I approve. Oh, no, Abba. Don't give up. Please give me another chance. Oh, alright. Now Here I come again to call on you. Now I told you that I was going to teach you how to make love to, to a girl. This time, I'm going through with it. Now come into my,
[00:07:24] Unknown:
No, Abba. No. Stella? I won't. No. Stop pushing me. Do you hear?
[00:07:34] Unknown:
Oh, Costello,
[00:07:35] Unknown:
why did you push me out of the window? I had to have it. I thought I heard my husband comment. Costello, where have you been? I was out of you at Russia Studios, Adam, and they tested me for the point of Napoleon. Am I happy? You sure seen the way they fixed me up? They put on Max Factor pancake, Max Factor cleansing cream, and Max Factor face powder. How did you look? Like Max Factor.
[00:07:59] Unknown:
Never mind that. How did they make you look like Napoleon? Your your nose is, is too stubby. That's easy, Evan. They taped up my nose. They taped up your nose? Yeah. How did you smell? Not bad. Right.
[00:08:10] Unknown:
Hey. You know, I'm a sincet at the party Napoleon.
[00:08:13] Unknown:
Hello. Luca Costello speaking. Just a moment, mister Castello. The president of Universal wants to speak to you. Tell you, but this is it. Here's your party, mister Bloomberg. Hello, Castello. Yes, mister Bloomberg? Castello, you were out here this morning just to depart on Napoleon. Yes. I was. Well, I want you to get out here to the studio right away. Set apart? No. You left your hat here.
[00:08:36] Unknown:
How do you like that, Abbot? They turned me down. They can't do that to me, the great Shakespearean actor. Why, I played Romeo and Juliet all last year at the Hippodrome Theater in New York. Oh, yeah. Dope. The Hippodrome Theater has been closed for five years. It has? No wonder I didn't give any applause. Abbott, lots of my fans would like to see me play Napoleon. Oh, why don't you stop this, Costello? I'll prove it to you, Abbott. Let's go out and take a poll from door to door. Come on. Hey. Let's stop at this house. My old girlfriend, Tessie Tinfoil. She lives here.
[00:09:10] Unknown:
Oh, men. Come in.
[00:09:19] Unknown:
Tessie Tessie, you don't look so good today.
[00:09:23] Unknown:
I don't feel so good. I bought eight bottles of leg makeup, and I'm having a terrible time. What seems to be the trouble? How many bottles do you have to drink before the stuff goes to your leg?
[00:09:34] Unknown:
Look, Tessie. I'm making a house to house poll. How How would you like to see me on a screen as Napoleon? Oh, I think you'd be marvelous, lover boy. Maybe I could play your leading lady, Josephine. No. I'm afraid not, Tessie. In the first place, you're too fat. And I come to think of it, you're too fat in the second place too.
[00:09:51] Unknown:
Well, don't don't be discouraged, Costello.
[00:09:54] Unknown:
Hey, mister Costello. Will you give me your autograph? Why, certainly, little boy. Here. Hey, ma. I win the lollipop. I told you that jerk would ride.
[00:10:05] Unknown:
I'm at my cell. Get away from that kid.
[00:10:09] Unknown:
Don't hear.
[00:10:10] Unknown:
Let's try this next door.
[00:10:17] Unknown:
Yeah. I am. You're alright, aren't you? I'm with Costello. How would you like to see me on the screen as Napoleon? Oh, that would be dandy. You are my favorite star, mister Costello. I think you're the finest actor in pictures. I think you're the funniest man on the radio. Thank you. I have an autographed picture of you that that I would like to hang up in my room, but I can't. Why can't you hang it up? Well, I can't find a nail long enough to go through the padding on my cell.
[00:10:49] Unknown:
Well, you are, Costello. You see? Wise guy. Do you realize that the only people who love you are dumbbells? Thank you, Evan. How do you think you can't? I think here. Here. Careful.
[00:10:59] Unknown:
Pardon me, mister Costello. Could I have your autograph? I just gave you my autograph a a few minutes ago. I know, but you wrote it on the same page with Charles Laughton. So what? His autograph held its nose and kicked ears off the page. You got it here. Get out. Out. That's not a leader. Out. Out. You leave him alone? Who's frightened for you? Now wait a minute. Just a minute.
[00:11:19] Unknown:
Leave
[00:11:21] Unknown:
those children alone. Hey. Look, Costello. Here comes your old friend, Scotty Brown. Who's my love is? Scotty, what what have you got under your arm? Well, it's a book of ghost stories, and my wife just had a new baby. What does ghost stories got to do with a new baby? Well, I read my wife the ghost stories, and her teeth chatter so loud, I don't need a rattle for the baby. Well, Scotty, how would you like to see me on a screen as Napoleon? Would not be interested, laddie. I do not go to theaters anymore. Why not, Scotty? Well, I used to live 12 blocks from a theater, but now we've moved two blocks further away. Well, what's what's that got to do with it? Well, I don't finish dinner until five minutes to six. And now no matter how fast I run, I can't get there before the prices change. So long
[00:12:05] Unknown:
now. Oh, come on, Costello. Let's try another house. Pardon me, mister Costello. Could I have your autograph? Now wait a minute, kid. I've given you my autograph free time. What do you do with my autograph? Well, if I get three more of yours, I can trade it for one of Trigger's footprints. Oh, yeah?
[00:12:19] Unknown:
Ouch. Ouch.
[00:12:22] Unknown:
Ouch. CUSTOMER. What did you do? I just gave him one of my footprints.
[00:12:26] Unknown:
Oh, forget him. Come on. Oh, I suck my little fever now. Never mind that. Let's let's try this door over here. Come on.
[00:12:35] Unknown:
Oh, hello, miss Rabbit. Oh, you dear man. Don't tell me you're selling washing machine. Oh, pardon me. That tub is Costello.
[00:12:47] Unknown:
You better close that door quick, missus Niles. You're able to get arrested for indecent exposure. Indecent exposure? Yes, ma'am. You're out here in broad daylight with your face showing.
[00:12:57] Unknown:
I heard that remark, Costello.
[00:12:59] Unknown:
What do you mean by insulting my wife that way? Because I don't know any other way.
[00:13:03] Unknown:
Tell me, Ken. Was missus Niles just as homely the day you proposed to her? Well, I don't know. She was catching for the Brooklyn Dodgers and had her mask on.
[00:13:15] Unknown:
One moment mark like that, and I'll cut the string on your yo yo. I
[00:13:22] Unknown:
please. Please, folks. Please. Let's stop arguing. Costello. Costello came here to ask you if you'd like to see him on the screen as Napoleon. I'd rather see him with Napoleon.
[00:13:32] Unknown:
Napoleon is there. You catch on fast, Fatima.
[00:13:39] Unknown:
Donna. You certainly told Costello all that time. Oh, you're so wonderful. You filled the breeze with a heavenly perfume.
[00:13:46] Unknown:
Oh, no, dear. You are the one that fills the breeze with heavenly perfume. Oh, no, dear. I insist you fill the breeze with heavenly perfume. No, dear. I insist you fill the breeze with heavenly perfume.
[00:13:57] Unknown:
Run to cover both. We caught a couple of stumps in our tracks.
[00:14:06] Unknown:
Well, Castello,
[00:14:07] Unknown:
you'll never convince Universal Studios that you can play the part of Napoleon. Yes. I will. Now you are. Ladies and gentlemen of our studio audience, I'm about to put on a play in which I will star in the role of Napoleon. No. No. Not that. We're not gonna sit through that. Who would a lousy actor? Open the doors, Lydia. Hey. That's still a lot. Look. It's Millerhead down there in the audience. Just a minute, Millerhead. I dare you to come up here on the stage. Alright. I'll come up there on the stage. Yeah. Well, come on up here. Alright, white guy. Now I'm up on the stage. Well, now you're up on a stage. I dare you to come over here and put your hand on my shoulder. Alright. I'll put my hand on your shoulder. There. Now I've got my hand on your shoulder.
[00:14:49] Unknown:
Now what? Let's dance. Oh, no.
[00:14:52] Unknown:
Let's tell a lot. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
[00:14:56] Unknown:
Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him ahead. Tell him you produced.
[00:15:11] Unknown:
Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here you go with those unsettling remarks again, Costello. You you get in my hair.
[00:15:20] Unknown:
Okay. But I have to wear my sneakers to look awful slippery at the end of the day.
[00:15:25] Unknown:
Pastello, now maybe if you talk nice to Melonette, he'd direct your plea for you. Melonette, could you make another child's boyier out of me? Costello, I could not only make a child's boyier out of you, but I'd have enough fat left over to make a case of life boyier. Alright. Now to the play. Costello, you will play Napoleon. Abbot here will be your friend, Tully Rand, and missus Niles here. She'll play your wife, Josephine.
[00:15:48] Unknown:
Oh, why does missus Niles always have to play my wife? Why can't I have a young girl like Ingrid Bergman? Costello, I've got everything that Ingrid Bergman has. Yeah. But why did you let yours get so shabby?
[00:16:02] Unknown:
Enough with this, Costello. Let's get on with the play. Mister Niles, will you please set the scene? Ladies and gentlemen, we present a stirring French drama entitled How Napoleon Lost the Battle of Waterloo or Costello Gets Caught with His France Down. As our scene opens, we find Napoleon sitting in the throne room waiting for his wife, Josephine, to enter.
[00:16:28] Unknown:
Good morning, your majesty. Come in, Josephine.
[00:16:33] Unknown:
Bonjour. My phone, Josephine. Pull up a phone chair and have a box of bonbon. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Hostello. Why do you put bone in front of everything? Oh, says Napoleon. I want to get the boner block. Can
[00:16:53] Unknown:
you please stand the building again? And why do you always stand with your hands stuck inside your coat? That's where I hide my butter. Gloria, I have come to you for some money. I'm sorry, Josephine, but the royal coppers are in bad shape. The royal coppers are in bad shape? Yes. Listen. That's enough.
[00:17:15] Unknown:
That's enough. Don't know, but you're wit that last course caught us, $35 more.
[00:17:24] Unknown:
Napoleon, I tell you I need money. You've given away all my jewels to Madame Dewberry.
[00:17:29] Unknown:
Yesterday, you gave her my diamond tiara. What do you care about your tiara? You still have your boondier? But, Josephine, here is something to replace the tiara. It's a gift from America. It's called tobacco, and it was discovered in Shamokin, Pennsylvania.
[00:17:45] Unknown:
Shamokin, Pennsylvania?
[00:17:47] Unknown:
Yes. It's called Shamokin tobacco.
[00:17:52] Unknown:
Oh, I'm having trouble with my subjects. I can't do a thing with my subjects. Who are you? The king? No. Just a high school student.
[00:18:06] Unknown:
Your majesty,
[00:18:07] Unknown:
Talleyrand has just come in. Good. I had $2 on his nose. No. I mean, please
[00:18:12] Unknown:
No. No. No, Costello. Look. Talleyrand isn't a horse. It's Abbott. Oh, with your cat. Yeah. Aye, Costello.
[00:18:18] Unknown:
Stick to the blade. Your majesty, I bring great tidings from the battlefield.
[00:18:23] Unknown:
Rome is about to fall. Let us drink a toast. Napoleon, you have been drinking too much lately. Drink water. Okay. Whatever it is, here's two victory.
[00:18:35] Unknown:
What was that? Rome. Just fell. Oh, we must have a grand ball to celebrate our victory. Napoleon, you must wear the new powdered wig I bought you. I refuse to wear it again. Well, it's made out of hair from your horse's tail. No wonder it keeps swatting flies and knocking my head off. Madam Josephine. Madam Josephine. I have come to fix your hair. Wait a minute. Who are you? Monsieur. I am a lady in waiting. Well, what are we waiting for?
[00:19:02] Unknown:
Come on over here. Kiss your poor old father. That's that'll stick to your line. I'm gonna try to stick to hers.
[00:19:11] Unknown:
Claudia, get your hands off and go. I'll have her sent to the guilty. Yes, your majesty. You wouldn't want me if I lost my head? I don't know. There'll still be enough left to have a date with.
[00:19:24] Unknown:
Oh, Talleyrand has just come in. Must have been stretched in the last race.
[00:19:31] Unknown:
Talk sense, Gastello. I bring you bad news from Russia. You know, you must go to your troops at once, but remember, it's freezing cold in your restaurant.
[00:19:41] Unknown:
I will fix your lunch. Would you like a nice hot dish? Yes. Yvonne, come here and kiss your poor old pirate.
[00:19:49] Unknown:
Costello, do you realize that Universal Studios is listening to this play? I refuse to direct this play any longer unless everybody takes orders from me. Okay, Mohit. You can do yours. Thanks, Costello. Yvonne, come here and kiss your poor old director. Can I get out of all? Come on.
[00:20:10] Unknown:
Come on. Break this up. My old director.
[00:20:13] Unknown:
Yeah, Emma.
[00:20:14] Unknown:
Break this up, please. Now let's get back to the play. Come on, Napoleon. Let us drink a toast to our coming victory in
[00:20:21] Unknown:
Napoleon. You must drink water. Remember? Oh, darn it. I'll be glad when the exile leads to that island. Then I can bend my elbow.
[00:20:31] Unknown:
Come to Pauline. Kiss Josephine goodbye. We must join your troops. Goodbye. There, Josephine.
[00:20:40] Unknown:
Josephine, your nose is wet.
[00:20:42] Unknown:
You kissed your horse. I'm over here.
[00:20:46] Unknown:
Now come over here and kiss me. I should've quit when I was even. Woah. Hey, Calibrand. What is this village? Your majesty,
[00:21:07] Unknown:
this is the village of Waterloo. Your troops are taking a terrible beating. Just listen.
[00:21:16] Unknown:
Oh, you poor man. I am Napoleon. Is there anything I can do for you? Yes. Get a larger cast. I'm sick and tired of the whole thing.
[00:21:31] Unknown:
Napoleon, I've come to ask your surrender. I'm Wellington. You have been defeated. Very well, Wellington. Never speak it close to your victory. Remember, Napoleon, you can't drink liquor. But I'm not really Napoleon. I'm Lou Costello. Well, in that case, here's your water, Lou. Water, Lou?
[00:21:50] Unknown:
Water, Lou. That's not Joe.
