In this lively episode, Ryan kicks things off with a playful discussion about how people celebrate their wins, whether it's with a fist pump, a "woo hoo," or a high five. He then introduces listeners to Chamba Casino, a platform offering a variety of social casino-style games with opportunities to win cash prizes. The conversation takes a humorous turn with a comedic sketch involving characters like Costello, Abbott, and Blondie, who engage in a series of witty exchanges and slapstick scenarios. The sketch features a chaotic attempt to recover a lost radio script, leading to a series of comedic mishaps and misunderstandings.
The episode also includes a playful rendition of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs," with characters like Dagwood and Blondie joining the fun. The cast humorously navigates through the fairy tale, adding their unique comedic twists and turns. The show wraps up with a blend of humor and chaos, leaving listeners entertained by the antics of the characters and the unpredictable storyline. It's a delightful mix of comedy, parody, and classic radio show charm.
(00:00) Introduction and Winning Moves
(01:04) Costello's Naval Adventure
(02:17) The Waste Paper Drive
(04:40) Dagwood and Blondie's Contribution
(07:07) The Lost Radio Script
(13:08) Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Play
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chamba Casino. At chambacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
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[00:00:39] Unknown:
Sorry. Sorry. We're here. We were getting lucky in the limo, and we lost track of time.
[00:00:44] Unknown:
No. Lucky Lane Casino with cash prizes that add up quicker than a guest registry. In that case, I pronounce you lucky.
[00:00:52] Unknown:
Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Daily bonuses are waiting. No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. See website for details.
[00:01:05] Unknown:
Oh, there you are, Costello. Well, why are you late this time? Where are you? Boy. Effort. What the I just got back from the naval base in San Diego, and I got a message of great importance for all the sailors. Come all the sailors to every woman and girl in disorient. Well, what is it? Yeah. Shut up, Costello. What were you doing down at the naval bay? Oh, what was I doing down I was helping them launch a submarine, and they gave me the most important job on the boat. You leave? What was it? Well, when the sailors got the submarine ready to dive, I ran forward and held its nose. Then then what happened? Then what happened? Down we went at it, 60 feet in the water. When we got down to the bottom, my hot sauce and took a walk. You took a walk in, 60 foot of water? And why not? I had my rubbers on. You know, after all, we have to give those sailors no. Really. We have to give those sailors credit. They're wonderful. Oh, I like sailors too, Abbott. But I'm really in love with a marine. You're in love with a marine? Yeah. Marine O'Hara. No.
Look. Talk sense, Costello. Between you and me, love is silly. Between you and me, love would be ridiculous. You don't even appeal. Alright. Never mind all of this. Listen. We've got important work to do. The government has started a national waste paper drive. And as mayor of Sherman Oaks, I mean to collect every scrap of paper in this town. Good. I gave all my paper at it. I even ripped the paper off walls. Then I repaired the walls with the rolls of music from the player piano. You covered the walls with the player piano rolls? That's what I did. That's fine. Good. Fine. Fine. Nothing. Now every time I sneeze, the walls play Mersey Dose.
Listen. When you get down to business, please, this campaign is important. I want you to do your part by going from door to door. Now can you do it? Oh, that used to be my racket. One time I went from door to door selling mosquitoes. Oh, that's itty yummy. Who'd buy mosquitoes? Nobody. Then why did you sell them? No competition. Oh, here's Ken Nyle. Well, hello, fellas. How's the waste paper drive coming along, Mayor Abbott? Just fine, Ken. Costello just promised to go all over town collecting scraps of paper from houses, scraps of paper from offices, scraps of paper from vacant lots. Well, you couldn't have picked a better man. He's scrap happy anyway. Hey. You see me? Me. Hello.
If you want a sense of humor, I have Costello one two three, and I jump all over you. 456, and you'd get right off. No. No. Let's not start an argument. Say, Ken, what did your wife say when I appointed her head of the, paper drive committee? Oh, she was very happy, bud. She says people will think she's the most fortunate girl. She'll be fortunate if people think she's a girl.
[00:03:49] Unknown:
Oh, I heard that remark, you overstuffed lowboy.
[00:03:53] Unknown:
I said it for you to hear. Skinny, skinny.
[00:03:59] Unknown:
And just a minute, missus Niles. I ain't fat. Oh, no. You look like twothree of We the People.
[00:04:10] Unknown:
Gostela, you should treat missus Niles with respect. She has character. Look how high she carries her head. She's had her face lifted so many times. It's a wonder she can stay on the ground.
[00:04:20] Unknown:
Oh, oh, Costello, I never had my face lifted. Of course, I I have used face lift lotion.
[00:04:26] Unknown:
Oh, you have used face lift lotion? Yeah. Well, I once used that same lotion on the horse. Did it lift did it lift the horse's face? I don't know. We can't get it down off the chandelier. Come in.
[00:04:42] Unknown:
Bonds and bonds will beat the axis, so be sure to pay your income taxes. Save your old tin cans, your iron and lead, and give it all your waste paper to Dagwood Bumstead. Costello. It's Bagwood. Where's Blondie Bagwood? Oh, she's out in his car. Wait a minute. I'll call her. Blondie.
[00:05:11] Unknown:
Oh, oh, I'm sorry, dad. Would I oh oh, hello, mister Pascallos. Hello? Neighbor Abbott. Dad would and I are helping missus Niles with the waste paper dry. Yeah. Oh, well, the first thing you ought to throw in this,
[00:05:25] Unknown:
I fix it up this afternoon at rehearsal. Who didn't I? They mine. Well, here we go again. Well, the first thing you wanna throw in is the paper that poem was written on. I got it. Hey, Seguin. Do you make up that form yourself or did someone a jerk help you? Oh, no. I made it up myself. You had nothing to do with it. Just a minute, Deadwood. Deadwood.
[00:05:51] Unknown:
Driftwood. No. No. No. No. My name's Zagwood.
[00:05:55] Unknown:
Have you been inspected for termites?
[00:05:59] Unknown:
Uh-huh. Oh, now, mister Costello. Don't you and Dagwood have a fight when there are so many important things to be done? Yeah. And we want every bit of waste paper you've got in this town. Mhmm. Yeah. Some men I know are even giving up their college diploma. Have you got a college diploma? No. Have you got a high school diploma? Hey. May? May? And, have you got a grammar school diploma?
[00:06:26] Unknown:
No. But you're getting one.
[00:06:31] Unknown:
Oh, never mind the diploma, dad. Have you got the waste paper ready, mayor Abbott? Yes, Blondie. It's all collected. Just double.
[00:06:38] Unknown:
Carry that old burlap sack out to the truck. Okay.
[00:06:47] Unknown:
Hi. You know, you always pull me, missus Dios. I mean, the way your phone just cut over. Thanks for your help, everybody. Now, Dagwood, you gather up those loose papers and hurry. We've got lots of stuff to make. Yeah. Well, you're doing a wonderful job, Blondie. Yeah. And you keep up the good work, Dagwood. Oh, don't worry, Mayor Abbott. Dagwood will work his head to the bone for you. Yeah. Well, come on, Dagwood. Hurry up. Yeah. May I I I gotta get going. But now hold the door for me, Blimey. Alright. Stand back, mister Coachella. He moves very
[00:07:23] Unknown:
fast. Costello, come here. Costello, aren't aren't they aren't they nice people? No. No. All kidding aside, aren't they nice people? Costello, why don't you answer me? When do I stop spinning? Well, come on, Costello. We've gotta get down to the studio for our broadcast. By the way, where is our script for the night? I got it right here. And hey. Abbott. Abbott. What's the matter? The script is gone. If I was right here a minute ago, hey. Do you suppose they took it with the waste paper? That's it, Abbott. They took it. We gotta catch that bag. Do I put this bread or whatever the guy's name is? Out of my way, Abbott. I move very fast. You're like, oh, no. Costello, you're supposed to open the door.
Now he tells me. Come on, Costello. We've got to find our radio script. Adam, are you sure this is Stagwood's home? Certainly. And are they classy? Look. They've got their names painted in gold on the mailbox. That's nothing you should see in my house. I got the Costello coat of arms painted on the front door. What's the Costello coat of arms? Two sheriffs jumping up and down on the second mortgage. I'll go ahead knock on the door. Oh, it's Blondie's little boy, Alexander. Hello, Alexander.
[00:08:50] Unknown:
Oh, how do you do, gentlemen? Come right in. Pull up a chair and sit down. Thank you, Alexander.
[00:08:56] Unknown:
We're Abbott and Priscilla.
[00:08:58] Unknown:
Oh, well, in that case, I better open a window.
[00:09:03] Unknown:
Oh, you're a cute kid, ain't you kid? I I must invite you over to the house to play with some of all my old, it has to come out one way or another. Must come over and play with my old razor blade. No. No. No. No. God, Stella, that's not nice. Look, Alexander. We're looking for your mother and father. They've got our radio script. Do you know where they are? I ain't saying yes, and I ain't saying no. Well, what are you saying? I ain't saying. He ain't saying. How old are you, Alexander? Nine. You're gonna reach 10 the hard way. Hey, Pastello. Look out the window. There's Dagwood and Blondie going into that house across the street. Come on. We've gotta get that radio script. Yes. Step aside, Alexander. I move pretty fast. Out of the way, Alexander. He's coming through.
I don't know how that tank will duff it. He gets through every time. Hurry up, Costello. We've gotta get across the street while our wife's sleeping in. Okay. Damn it. Wait for the city. Hey, you, bad boy. Get back there in the curb. But, officer, look. What do you think the traffic lights are for? Well, the red light is the signal for the pedestrians to cross the street. Oh, the red light is, is it? Then tell me, what's the green light for? That's the signal for the automobiles to cross the pedestrians. Oh, a wise guy. Well, don't try to cross the street again until you get the green light tonight, Romeo Mitchell twice, or I'll give you a ticket for jaywalking.
Just tell him when you please turn over here. Now go ahead. Oh, well, there you are, young man. Oh, wait. Don't stop me now. I got the green light. I got the green light. You don't even know me. Yes. I do. But you're mister Sparky from Milwaukee. Lady, look. I gotta get my radio strip across the street. Oh, of course, mister Sparky had a mustache and was bald headed, but honestly, you could talk for a bus and you were very daffy like only use the teacock inductor. The wrong teacock inductor. Lady, you're off your trolley. Now will you let me get across the street? Tell you. So you're crossing against the red light again. Again, I'd like to get over what? That's Bella. Will you hurry up over here?
Alright. Now go ahead. Pardon me, young man, but I'm from the recruiting office. How would you like to join the navy? How would I like to join the navy? Yes. I'd like to join the navy. So the navy's a great place for you. Think of it. You can cross the ocean. Cross the ocean. I can't even get across the street. Fuck. I'll see you later. I'm coming. So it's you again. So it's you again. This is the third time you've crossed the street against the red light. Now come with me. I'm taking you to the police station. Where's the police station? Across the street. Good. I finally made it. Listen, Oliver, Rabbit and Costello. Our radio script is lost. We only have a few minutes to get on the air. Oh, so you're Rabbit and Costello, I never miss your program. You don't? No. I don't hear it, so I don't miss it.
Now get along with you. Go peddle your corn. Yeah. But I'm gonna take a socket out. Quiet. Look. There's Bonnie and Dagwood coming out of that building. Oh, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, when you took that waste paper basket out of of the house, you know, you must have taken our radio script too. We're due on the air any second. Maybe our papers are on that truck. Oh, no. That load was sent out on the train hours ago. Oh, see what you did, Dagwood? See what a rabbit and Costello are going to do on the air tonight. Oh, dear, Blondie. And maybe I can help them out.
[00:13:11] Unknown:
My whole family was good at making jokes. They certainly did alright with you.
[00:13:19] Unknown:
Oh, just a minute, boy. I've got a great idea. I've got something here in my purse. It's a school play that little Alexander wrote. You can do it on the air. I'm sure Alexander would give you the right. I'd like to give Alexander the right
[00:13:32] Unknown:
and a couple of good less. Alright. Wait a minute, Costello. This might be just what we need. Oh, sure. It's a dandy play, all about Snow White and, the seven dwarfs. And I know just the part I'm gonna play. Yeah. So do I. Come on, dopey.
[00:13:52] Unknown:
Well, come on, Costello. Let's get in the studio. We'll do it on the air in a few seconds. Where's Dagwood and Blondie? Oh, here we are, history of habit. And I have the script of Snow White right with me. Now if you all gather around, I'll assign each one his part. First, I will play the part of the princess Snow White. Oh, pretty good. And I will be the handsome prince. Now wait a minute, dogwood.
[00:14:14] Unknown:
I play the leading parts around here. I'm a real actor. I was born in a theater, and it cost my parts 25¢ extra. You were born you were born in a theater, and it cost your father 25¢ extra for what? The store dropped me in a loan seat. The stork that brought you should have been arrested for smuggling dope.
[00:14:37] Unknown:
Hey. Hey. Hey. That's a good one, missus Niles.
[00:14:42] Unknown:
Yeah. I Stay good. You keep out of this. I think mister Costello is right, missus Niles. This is his program, and he should have the leading part. Oh, what does Costello know about acting? Now me.
[00:14:54] Unknown:
I am part of the theater.
[00:14:57] Unknown:
Your lower lip looks like the second balcony. Oh, Costello? Yeah. Costello, you know that missus Niles was a dramatic actress? That's right, miss Ravett. I why it's been only five years since I left the New York stage to poke my nose into Hollywood. You didn't have to leave New York for that. Costello, please. Will you cut that out and let Glondie assign the parts to the play? Yeah. Now now, Bonnie, please give me a good part. With Abbott and Costello's audience, I'll be able to reach 30,000,000 people. It's a good thing they can't reach you.
[00:15:36] Unknown:
Oh, don't mind gag with mister Costello. He's always wanted an acting career. Yeah. That's right, fellas.
[00:15:43] Unknown:
Every time I get near you real actors, I get the smell of the grease paint in me nostrils.
[00:15:49] Unknown:
The smell of the what in your who?
[00:15:53] Unknown:
Oh, oh, the smell of the grease paint in me nostrils.
[00:15:56] Unknown:
Dang. The word is nostrils, not nostril. But what's the difference? Nostrils? Nostrils? It's got the smell.
[00:16:05] Unknown:
Dagwood just doesn't know what to do about it. The smell? Not my career. Dagwood, why don't you recite one of your poems for mister Costello? You know, like you do on our Monday night show, he might like to hear it. You want a pet? No.
[00:16:21] Unknown:
Come on, Costello. Give him a chance. Go ahead, Dagwood. Go ahead,
[00:16:26] Unknown:
Well, thank you, mister Abbott. You're a kind man. You remind me of my father. But, dad, would mister Abbott only have one hand? Yeah.
[00:16:37] Unknown:
What am I laughing at? Why don't I think of a joke like that? Go ahead. I would recite your call. Yeah. Go ahead.
[00:16:45] Unknown:
Very well. Now, this is called, the Raven, the Raven. As I sat rocking, gently rocking, rocking on my chamber floor came a knocking, gently knocking, knocking at my chamber door. Quotes the raven, nevermore. Yeah. I'd do like that.
[00:17:04] Unknown:
Don't look now, but the raven just later ate. Costello, let's go on with the play. Ken Niles, will you please set the scene? Okay, bud. Ladies and gentlemen, we now present the waste paper player starring Abbott and Costello and Dagwood and Blondie. We present tonight an episode from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs entitled The Seven Dwarfs Sat on the Wagon or The Surrey with the Shrimps on Top. As the scene opens, the princess is calling to her prince. Oh, prince. Oh, prince. Your prince.
[00:17:40] Unknown:
Come, prince. Your prince. Come come come here, prince. Here I am, princess.
[00:17:44] Unknown:
I have come to save you from your cruel stepmother. I have just arrived by Greyhound. What's that? Oh, my dogs are tired. My lovely princess, let me smother you with kisses. Oh,
[00:18:01] Unknown:
Oh, please. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. What's going on here? He's kissing you. Oh, dang. Well, this is just a play. Yeah. But he isn't playing.
[00:18:11] Unknown:
Dang. Well, you're not supposed to talk now. You represent the forest. You play the part of a tree. What part? The fact Yes. And I'm waiting. Ah, so you're a tree. No. Never mind. And I quit. Oh, I never mind. Yeah. Just a minute now, Catzilla. Please. Never mind that, Catzilla. Go on with the play. Come on. Go on with the play, Lou. Okay. Now we go on with the play. Now, let me see. All my lovely pinchers, please let me mother you with kisses. Yeah. Wait wait a minute. You you just did that kissing scene, mister Costello. Listen, isn't that dead wood a little too young for you, Blondie?
[00:18:49] Unknown:
Dagwood, in this play, mister Costello is my brave old knight.
[00:18:54] Unknown:
I thought knights were big tall fellas.
[00:18:57] Unknown:
This is spring and the nights
[00:19:01] Unknown:
are getting shorter.
[00:19:08] Unknown:
Marcelo, will you please read your next line? Okay. My fair pictures, what brings these tears to your lovely eyes?
[00:19:16] Unknown:
My dead mother is so cruel to me. She makes me do all the drudgery. All day long, it's wash and scrubbing, wash and scrubbing. And at night, she makes me sleep in the broom closet.
[00:19:27] Unknown:
Why are you here from the
[00:19:31] Unknown:
mop?
[00:19:33] Unknown:
Oh, oh, woe with me. All I do is work, work, work. I work my fingers to the bone, and what have I got to show for it? Phony fingers. Princess Hook, the queen, your wicked stepmother approaches. But how did she get across the most? She must have caught the guard with his bridges down. Here comes the queen now. Queen, she looks more like the three of clubs.
[00:20:05] Unknown:
Good morning, my little princess. I have brought you a nice, big apple. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Blondie, don't eat that apple. It's poisoned. How do you know? I'm reading on the next page.
[00:20:19] Unknown:
No. Don't let the princess eat the apple. You must save her. Here, Snow White. Give me that apple. I'll make the ugly queen eat it herself. Open your mouth, queen. Oh, you silly baboon. This is me over here. You're feeding the apple to my heart. The chief pulled me.
[00:20:37] Unknown:
Oh, my brave prince. You have saved me from the poison apple. How can I ever repay you? Come into my arms and let me smother you with kisses. Wait a minute. There's too much kissing going on here. Hey, mommy. Hey.
[00:20:55] Unknown:
I don't like this. Mother.
[00:20:59] Unknown:
Hey, mommy. I don't like this plan. I do. Yeah. Call the line home. Dad, and I'll see you next Monday night. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.
[00:21:10] Unknown:
Come on. Let's go home, Brandy. I'm getting hungry. Oh, what a spot for the poison apple. Here, Edward. Open your mouth, and I'll toss you the apple. Oh, boy. Brother, he was really, really hungry. Only three seeds hit the ground. Costello, will you stick to the plane? Pardon me, everybody. Pardon me. I'm the NBC usher in this studio. Hold the door open, Costello. Stand back, everybody. They move very fast. Costello, what was that? What do you think it was? The audience. Oh, get out of here.
It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chamba Casino. At chambacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:31] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. PGW, point where prohibited by loss. Terms and conditions, 18 plus. With Lucky Lancelot, you can get lucky just about anywhere. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to has anyone seen the bride and groom?
[00:00:39] Unknown:
Sorry. Sorry. We're here. We were getting lucky in the limo, and we lost track of time.
[00:00:44] Unknown:
No. Lucky Lane Casino with cash prizes that add up quicker than a guest registry. In that case, I pronounce you lucky.
[00:00:52] Unknown:
Play for free at luckylandslots.com. Daily bonuses are waiting. No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. See website for details.
[00:01:05] Unknown:
Oh, there you are, Costello. Well, why are you late this time? Where are you? Boy. Effort. What the I just got back from the naval base in San Diego, and I got a message of great importance for all the sailors. Come all the sailors to every woman and girl in disorient. Well, what is it? Yeah. Shut up, Costello. What were you doing down at the naval bay? Oh, what was I doing down I was helping them launch a submarine, and they gave me the most important job on the boat. You leave? What was it? Well, when the sailors got the submarine ready to dive, I ran forward and held its nose. Then then what happened? Then what happened? Down we went at it, 60 feet in the water. When we got down to the bottom, my hot sauce and took a walk. You took a walk in, 60 foot of water? And why not? I had my rubbers on. You know, after all, we have to give those sailors no. Really. We have to give those sailors credit. They're wonderful. Oh, I like sailors too, Abbott. But I'm really in love with a marine. You're in love with a marine? Yeah. Marine O'Hara. No.
Look. Talk sense, Costello. Between you and me, love is silly. Between you and me, love would be ridiculous. You don't even appeal. Alright. Never mind all of this. Listen. We've got important work to do. The government has started a national waste paper drive. And as mayor of Sherman Oaks, I mean to collect every scrap of paper in this town. Good. I gave all my paper at it. I even ripped the paper off walls. Then I repaired the walls with the rolls of music from the player piano. You covered the walls with the player piano rolls? That's what I did. That's fine. Good. Fine. Fine. Nothing. Now every time I sneeze, the walls play Mersey Dose.
Listen. When you get down to business, please, this campaign is important. I want you to do your part by going from door to door. Now can you do it? Oh, that used to be my racket. One time I went from door to door selling mosquitoes. Oh, that's itty yummy. Who'd buy mosquitoes? Nobody. Then why did you sell them? No competition. Oh, here's Ken Nyle. Well, hello, fellas. How's the waste paper drive coming along, Mayor Abbott? Just fine, Ken. Costello just promised to go all over town collecting scraps of paper from houses, scraps of paper from offices, scraps of paper from vacant lots. Well, you couldn't have picked a better man. He's scrap happy anyway. Hey. You see me? Me. Hello.
If you want a sense of humor, I have Costello one two three, and I jump all over you. 456, and you'd get right off. No. No. Let's not start an argument. Say, Ken, what did your wife say when I appointed her head of the, paper drive committee? Oh, she was very happy, bud. She says people will think she's the most fortunate girl. She'll be fortunate if people think she's a girl.
[00:03:49] Unknown:
Oh, I heard that remark, you overstuffed lowboy.
[00:03:53] Unknown:
I said it for you to hear. Skinny, skinny.
[00:03:59] Unknown:
And just a minute, missus Niles. I ain't fat. Oh, no. You look like twothree of We the People.
[00:04:10] Unknown:
Gostela, you should treat missus Niles with respect. She has character. Look how high she carries her head. She's had her face lifted so many times. It's a wonder she can stay on the ground.
[00:04:20] Unknown:
Oh, oh, Costello, I never had my face lifted. Of course, I I have used face lift lotion.
[00:04:26] Unknown:
Oh, you have used face lift lotion? Yeah. Well, I once used that same lotion on the horse. Did it lift did it lift the horse's face? I don't know. We can't get it down off the chandelier. Come in.
[00:04:42] Unknown:
Bonds and bonds will beat the axis, so be sure to pay your income taxes. Save your old tin cans, your iron and lead, and give it all your waste paper to Dagwood Bumstead. Costello. It's Bagwood. Where's Blondie Bagwood? Oh, she's out in his car. Wait a minute. I'll call her. Blondie.
[00:05:11] Unknown:
Oh, oh, I'm sorry, dad. Would I oh oh, hello, mister Pascallos. Hello? Neighbor Abbott. Dad would and I are helping missus Niles with the waste paper dry. Yeah. Oh, well, the first thing you ought to throw in this,
[00:05:25] Unknown:
I fix it up this afternoon at rehearsal. Who didn't I? They mine. Well, here we go again. Well, the first thing you wanna throw in is the paper that poem was written on. I got it. Hey, Seguin. Do you make up that form yourself or did someone a jerk help you? Oh, no. I made it up myself. You had nothing to do with it. Just a minute, Deadwood. Deadwood.
[00:05:51] Unknown:
Driftwood. No. No. No. No. My name's Zagwood.
[00:05:55] Unknown:
Have you been inspected for termites?
[00:05:59] Unknown:
Uh-huh. Oh, now, mister Costello. Don't you and Dagwood have a fight when there are so many important things to be done? Yeah. And we want every bit of waste paper you've got in this town. Mhmm. Yeah. Some men I know are even giving up their college diploma. Have you got a college diploma? No. Have you got a high school diploma? Hey. May? May? And, have you got a grammar school diploma?
[00:06:26] Unknown:
No. But you're getting one.
[00:06:31] Unknown:
Oh, never mind the diploma, dad. Have you got the waste paper ready, mayor Abbott? Yes, Blondie. It's all collected. Just double.
[00:06:38] Unknown:
Carry that old burlap sack out to the truck. Okay.
[00:06:47] Unknown:
Hi. You know, you always pull me, missus Dios. I mean, the way your phone just cut over. Thanks for your help, everybody. Now, Dagwood, you gather up those loose papers and hurry. We've got lots of stuff to make. Yeah. Well, you're doing a wonderful job, Blondie. Yeah. And you keep up the good work, Dagwood. Oh, don't worry, Mayor Abbott. Dagwood will work his head to the bone for you. Yeah. Well, come on, Dagwood. Hurry up. Yeah. May I I I gotta get going. But now hold the door for me, Blimey. Alright. Stand back, mister Coachella. He moves very
[00:07:23] Unknown:
fast. Costello, come here. Costello, aren't aren't they aren't they nice people? No. No. All kidding aside, aren't they nice people? Costello, why don't you answer me? When do I stop spinning? Well, come on, Costello. We've gotta get down to the studio for our broadcast. By the way, where is our script for the night? I got it right here. And hey. Abbott. Abbott. What's the matter? The script is gone. If I was right here a minute ago, hey. Do you suppose they took it with the waste paper? That's it, Abbott. They took it. We gotta catch that bag. Do I put this bread or whatever the guy's name is? Out of my way, Abbott. I move very fast. You're like, oh, no. Costello, you're supposed to open the door.
Now he tells me. Come on, Costello. We've got to find our radio script. Adam, are you sure this is Stagwood's home? Certainly. And are they classy? Look. They've got their names painted in gold on the mailbox. That's nothing you should see in my house. I got the Costello coat of arms painted on the front door. What's the Costello coat of arms? Two sheriffs jumping up and down on the second mortgage. I'll go ahead knock on the door. Oh, it's Blondie's little boy, Alexander. Hello, Alexander.
[00:08:50] Unknown:
Oh, how do you do, gentlemen? Come right in. Pull up a chair and sit down. Thank you, Alexander.
[00:08:56] Unknown:
We're Abbott and Priscilla.
[00:08:58] Unknown:
Oh, well, in that case, I better open a window.
[00:09:03] Unknown:
Oh, you're a cute kid, ain't you kid? I I must invite you over to the house to play with some of all my old, it has to come out one way or another. Must come over and play with my old razor blade. No. No. No. No. God, Stella, that's not nice. Look, Alexander. We're looking for your mother and father. They've got our radio script. Do you know where they are? I ain't saying yes, and I ain't saying no. Well, what are you saying? I ain't saying. He ain't saying. How old are you, Alexander? Nine. You're gonna reach 10 the hard way. Hey, Pastello. Look out the window. There's Dagwood and Blondie going into that house across the street. Come on. We've gotta get that radio script. Yes. Step aside, Alexander. I move pretty fast. Out of the way, Alexander. He's coming through.
I don't know how that tank will duff it. He gets through every time. Hurry up, Costello. We've gotta get across the street while our wife's sleeping in. Okay. Damn it. Wait for the city. Hey, you, bad boy. Get back there in the curb. But, officer, look. What do you think the traffic lights are for? Well, the red light is the signal for the pedestrians to cross the street. Oh, the red light is, is it? Then tell me, what's the green light for? That's the signal for the automobiles to cross the pedestrians. Oh, a wise guy. Well, don't try to cross the street again until you get the green light tonight, Romeo Mitchell twice, or I'll give you a ticket for jaywalking.
Just tell him when you please turn over here. Now go ahead. Oh, well, there you are, young man. Oh, wait. Don't stop me now. I got the green light. I got the green light. You don't even know me. Yes. I do. But you're mister Sparky from Milwaukee. Lady, look. I gotta get my radio strip across the street. Oh, of course, mister Sparky had a mustache and was bald headed, but honestly, you could talk for a bus and you were very daffy like only use the teacock inductor. The wrong teacock inductor. Lady, you're off your trolley. Now will you let me get across the street? Tell you. So you're crossing against the red light again. Again, I'd like to get over what? That's Bella. Will you hurry up over here?
Alright. Now go ahead. Pardon me, young man, but I'm from the recruiting office. How would you like to join the navy? How would I like to join the navy? Yes. I'd like to join the navy. So the navy's a great place for you. Think of it. You can cross the ocean. Cross the ocean. I can't even get across the street. Fuck. I'll see you later. I'm coming. So it's you again. So it's you again. This is the third time you've crossed the street against the red light. Now come with me. I'm taking you to the police station. Where's the police station? Across the street. Good. I finally made it. Listen, Oliver, Rabbit and Costello. Our radio script is lost. We only have a few minutes to get on the air. Oh, so you're Rabbit and Costello, I never miss your program. You don't? No. I don't hear it, so I don't miss it.
Now get along with you. Go peddle your corn. Yeah. But I'm gonna take a socket out. Quiet. Look. There's Bonnie and Dagwood coming out of that building. Oh, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, when you took that waste paper basket out of of the house, you know, you must have taken our radio script too. We're due on the air any second. Maybe our papers are on that truck. Oh, no. That load was sent out on the train hours ago. Oh, see what you did, Dagwood? See what a rabbit and Costello are going to do on the air tonight. Oh, dear, Blondie. And maybe I can help them out.
[00:13:11] Unknown:
My whole family was good at making jokes. They certainly did alright with you.
[00:13:19] Unknown:
Oh, just a minute, boy. I've got a great idea. I've got something here in my purse. It's a school play that little Alexander wrote. You can do it on the air. I'm sure Alexander would give you the right. I'd like to give Alexander the right
[00:13:32] Unknown:
and a couple of good less. Alright. Wait a minute, Costello. This might be just what we need. Oh, sure. It's a dandy play, all about Snow White and, the seven dwarfs. And I know just the part I'm gonna play. Yeah. So do I. Come on, dopey.
[00:13:52] Unknown:
Well, come on, Costello. Let's get in the studio. We'll do it on the air in a few seconds. Where's Dagwood and Blondie? Oh, here we are, history of habit. And I have the script of Snow White right with me. Now if you all gather around, I'll assign each one his part. First, I will play the part of the princess Snow White. Oh, pretty good. And I will be the handsome prince. Now wait a minute, dogwood.
[00:14:14] Unknown:
I play the leading parts around here. I'm a real actor. I was born in a theater, and it cost my parts 25¢ extra. You were born you were born in a theater, and it cost your father 25¢ extra for what? The store dropped me in a loan seat. The stork that brought you should have been arrested for smuggling dope.
[00:14:37] Unknown:
Hey. Hey. Hey. That's a good one, missus Niles.
[00:14:42] Unknown:
Yeah. I Stay good. You keep out of this. I think mister Costello is right, missus Niles. This is his program, and he should have the leading part. Oh, what does Costello know about acting? Now me.
[00:14:54] Unknown:
I am part of the theater.
[00:14:57] Unknown:
Your lower lip looks like the second balcony. Oh, Costello? Yeah. Costello, you know that missus Niles was a dramatic actress? That's right, miss Ravett. I why it's been only five years since I left the New York stage to poke my nose into Hollywood. You didn't have to leave New York for that. Costello, please. Will you cut that out and let Glondie assign the parts to the play? Yeah. Now now, Bonnie, please give me a good part. With Abbott and Costello's audience, I'll be able to reach 30,000,000 people. It's a good thing they can't reach you.
[00:15:36] Unknown:
Oh, don't mind gag with mister Costello. He's always wanted an acting career. Yeah. That's right, fellas.
[00:15:43] Unknown:
Every time I get near you real actors, I get the smell of the grease paint in me nostrils.
[00:15:49] Unknown:
The smell of the what in your who?
[00:15:53] Unknown:
Oh, oh, the smell of the grease paint in me nostrils.
[00:15:56] Unknown:
Dang. The word is nostrils, not nostril. But what's the difference? Nostrils? Nostrils? It's got the smell.
[00:16:05] Unknown:
Dagwood just doesn't know what to do about it. The smell? Not my career. Dagwood, why don't you recite one of your poems for mister Costello? You know, like you do on our Monday night show, he might like to hear it. You want a pet? No.
[00:16:21] Unknown:
Come on, Costello. Give him a chance. Go ahead, Dagwood. Go ahead,
[00:16:26] Unknown:
Well, thank you, mister Abbott. You're a kind man. You remind me of my father. But, dad, would mister Abbott only have one hand? Yeah.
[00:16:37] Unknown:
What am I laughing at? Why don't I think of a joke like that? Go ahead. I would recite your call. Yeah. Go ahead.
[00:16:45] Unknown:
Very well. Now, this is called, the Raven, the Raven. As I sat rocking, gently rocking, rocking on my chamber floor came a knocking, gently knocking, knocking at my chamber door. Quotes the raven, nevermore. Yeah. I'd do like that.
[00:17:04] Unknown:
Don't look now, but the raven just later ate. Costello, let's go on with the play. Ken Niles, will you please set the scene? Okay, bud. Ladies and gentlemen, we now present the waste paper player starring Abbott and Costello and Dagwood and Blondie. We present tonight an episode from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs entitled The Seven Dwarfs Sat on the Wagon or The Surrey with the Shrimps on Top. As the scene opens, the princess is calling to her prince. Oh, prince. Oh, prince. Your prince.
[00:17:40] Unknown:
Come, prince. Your prince. Come come come here, prince. Here I am, princess.
[00:17:44] Unknown:
I have come to save you from your cruel stepmother. I have just arrived by Greyhound. What's that? Oh, my dogs are tired. My lovely princess, let me smother you with kisses. Oh,
[00:18:01] Unknown:
Oh, please. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. What's going on here? He's kissing you. Oh, dang. Well, this is just a play. Yeah. But he isn't playing.
[00:18:11] Unknown:
Dang. Well, you're not supposed to talk now. You represent the forest. You play the part of a tree. What part? The fact Yes. And I'm waiting. Ah, so you're a tree. No. Never mind. And I quit. Oh, I never mind. Yeah. Just a minute now, Catzilla. Please. Never mind that, Catzilla. Go on with the play. Come on. Go on with the play, Lou. Okay. Now we go on with the play. Now, let me see. All my lovely pinchers, please let me mother you with kisses. Yeah. Wait wait a minute. You you just did that kissing scene, mister Costello. Listen, isn't that dead wood a little too young for you, Blondie?
[00:18:49] Unknown:
Dagwood, in this play, mister Costello is my brave old knight.
[00:18:54] Unknown:
I thought knights were big tall fellas.
[00:18:57] Unknown:
This is spring and the nights
[00:19:01] Unknown:
are getting shorter.
[00:19:08] Unknown:
Marcelo, will you please read your next line? Okay. My fair pictures, what brings these tears to your lovely eyes?
[00:19:16] Unknown:
My dead mother is so cruel to me. She makes me do all the drudgery. All day long, it's wash and scrubbing, wash and scrubbing. And at night, she makes me sleep in the broom closet.
[00:19:27] Unknown:
Why are you here from the
[00:19:31] Unknown:
mop?
[00:19:33] Unknown:
Oh, oh, woe with me. All I do is work, work, work. I work my fingers to the bone, and what have I got to show for it? Phony fingers. Princess Hook, the queen, your wicked stepmother approaches. But how did she get across the most? She must have caught the guard with his bridges down. Here comes the queen now. Queen, she looks more like the three of clubs.
[00:20:05] Unknown:
Good morning, my little princess. I have brought you a nice, big apple. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Blondie, don't eat that apple. It's poisoned. How do you know? I'm reading on the next page.
[00:20:19] Unknown:
No. Don't let the princess eat the apple. You must save her. Here, Snow White. Give me that apple. I'll make the ugly queen eat it herself. Open your mouth, queen. Oh, you silly baboon. This is me over here. You're feeding the apple to my heart. The chief pulled me.
[00:20:37] Unknown:
Oh, my brave prince. You have saved me from the poison apple. How can I ever repay you? Come into my arms and let me smother you with kisses. Wait a minute. There's too much kissing going on here. Hey, mommy. Hey.
[00:20:55] Unknown:
I don't like this. Mother.
[00:20:59] Unknown:
Hey, mommy. I don't like this plan. I do. Yeah. Call the line home. Dad, and I'll see you next Monday night. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.
[00:21:10] Unknown:
Come on. Let's go home, Brandy. I'm getting hungry. Oh, what a spot for the poison apple. Here, Edward. Open your mouth, and I'll toss you the apple. Oh, boy. Brother, he was really, really hungry. Only three seeds hit the ground. Costello, will you stick to the plane? Pardon me, everybody. Pardon me. I'm the NBC usher in this studio. Hold the door open, Costello. Stand back, everybody. They move very fast. Costello, what was that? What do you think it was? The audience. Oh, get out of here.
