In this lively episode, Ryan shares his recent experience on a flight where he discovered a fellow passenger enjoying the same social spin slot game on Chumba Casino. This sparks a conversation about the fun and excitement of playing casino-style games anywhere, even at 30,000 feet. Ryan encourages listeners to sign up and enjoy the variety of games and bonuses available on Chumba Casino, highlighting the joy of winning and the different ways people celebrate their victories.
The episode takes a comedic turn with a classic Abbott and Costello sketch, featuring their signature humor and wordplay. The duo navigates a series of humorous misunderstandings in a department store setting, involving everything from Christmas shopping mishaps to playful banter about mules and umbrellas. The episode is filled with laughter and nostalgia, capturing the timeless appeal of Abbott and Costello's comedic genius.
(00:30) Winning Moves and Casino Fun
(01:03) Abbott and Costello's Department Store Adventures
(06:09) Costello's Poem and Celebrity Encounters
(11:41) Toy Department Shenanigans
(15:15) Costello's Shopping Misadventures
(20:23) Final Words and Audience Engagement
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
Hello. It is Ryan, and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chumbacasino.com. I looked over the person sitting next to me, and you know what they were doing? They were also playing Chumba casino. Coincidence? I think not. Everybody's loving having fun with it. Chumba casino is home to hundreds of casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere, even at 30,000 feet. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com to claim your free welcome bonus at chumba casino dot com and live the Chumba life. No purchase necessary. Terms and conditions, 18 plus. It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chumba Casino. At chumbacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
No purchases. HWT. Avoid prohibited by law, see terms and conditions, 18 plus.
[00:01:03] Unknown:
The Abbott and Costello program, starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. The Abbott and Costello program with a modern rhythm of Will Osborne and his orchestra, Iris Hadrian, singing star Connie Hayes. And spotlighting that chubby chunky little cherub who when caught trying to rent his kid brother to a freak show because he heard his mother say he had grown another foot, calmly said. I'm a
[00:01:39] Unknown:
bird. Well, Castello, mate again. Here I get you a nice job in Melon Head's department store. And on the very first day you come in late for work. Well, what's your excuse this time? Well, I've been, I've been out at Hollywood Boulevard and I was watching the Santa Claus parade. Yeah. And what a parade. I know that. There's 10 big bunch of movie stars and then thanks Chantee Claws. And after Chantee Claws came the beautiful Lady Godiva on a big wide horse. Well, what came after Lady Godiva? The cops. The girl. Stop talking like a child. Horses in a Christmas parade. But you have all kinds of animals in the parade, Abbot. Abbot. You sure seen that great big giraffe? Giraffe? Yeah. You know what, Abbot? What? I wish I was the body of a giraffe and Lana Turner was the head. You wish I was the body of a giraffe and Lana Turner was the head. Why? I always wanted the long neck with Lana Turner.
Get busy and dust off those counters. Come on. No. You just shut off the counters. Get over there and dust them all. But I gotta hang up this sign. Oh, boy. Isn't that a beautiful sign? What does it say? Look at it. Original gowns by Costello. Nifty creation scrips and tapes for slender young figures and droopy old shapes. Pierre Costello, the great French designer. Wait a minute. How can you call yourself a French designer? I mean designer.
[00:02:56] Unknown:
Have you ever been have you ever been to Paris? Oui oui. I'm a well known parasite. And, and did you sell the latest style? Oui. Did you look over the French model? Wow.
[00:03:10] Unknown:
I see. I see. In other words, do you like mannequin? No. I like gurikens. You like gurikens? Yes, babykins.
[00:03:17] Unknown:
I'll talk. Answer that. Okay. Okay. Okay.
[00:03:22] Unknown:
Hello? Now I'm heading to the potter store.
[00:03:24] Unknown:
Pardon me, but do you have a large aluminum pot? Yes. I have. My heaven. How do you get your pants on?
[00:03:37] Unknown:
Hey. That's a very that's a big belly wrap. I think I'll pull it on Adam. Hey, Adam. Have you got a large aluminum pot? No. But I've got a six cup percolator. Now what am I gonna do with the pants?
[00:03:48] Unknown:
I'm sick of talking to you. If you want me, I'll be in ladies' lingerie. You'll be where? I'll be in ladies lingerie. Well, that's a nice picture. You're gonna wear scanties for panties? No. No. No. Tell me. I'm going over there to pick out a blouse for my wife. A peekaboo. A what? Peekaboo.
[00:04:03] Unknown:
Okay. Peekaboo. I see you. I didn't know you'd like to play titty games. Look. Will you shut up? I'm going to get my wife a blouse and a nice pair of mule. Pair of mule? Yes.
[00:04:13] Unknown:
I wonder what my wife would say to a pair of mule. Ah, she'd probably say like anybody else. Woah and giddy up. I'm talking about a pair of bedroom mule. Bedroom mules? Yes. My wife has all kinds of mules in her bedroom. Red mules, green mules. Why, she even has a pair of checkered mules. Hey, Albert. Do you see all those different color mules with your own eyes? Of course. Certainly. I see them every night. In fact, I saw them this morning.
[00:04:34] Unknown:
Let me smell your breath.
[00:04:36] Unknown:
Love you, dummy. Doesn't your mother have mules in her bedroom? No. My father's very particular. Look. When your mother gets up in the morning, what does she put on her feet? Corn flusters. No. No. No. She must have some kind of mules. There are two kinds of mules, silk and felt. Felt? Yes. Hasn't your mother felt mules? No, sir. She never touches any kind of animals. Forget about the animals. Every woman likes mules. Now my wife uses a pair of mules to go around the house. What's the matter? Is she too lazy to walk? When she gets up in the morning, she always slips on her mule. Why don't she keep them out in the backyard?
Why would my wife needs her mules, to keep her feet
[00:05:12] Unknown:
warm. You mean you are sleeping in the same bed?
[00:05:15] Unknown:
I don't sleep in the same bed. My wife keeps her mules under the bed. For goodness sake, don't the water house say nothing? Look. I settled it. I'm going right up to mister Mellahont's office and tell him that you're not fit to work in a department store.
[00:05:28] Unknown:
Please don't do that. Why not? Don't make me lose my job. Well, I should. I'm trying to make some Christmas money to buy my dear old mother a present. What do you mean? I wanted to get her a little pet squirrel. You wanna buy buy a little squirrel for your mother? Yes, Abbot. I figured he could help her with the housework and do the dusting. Wait a minute. Hello? Could a squirrel help Wait a minute. How could a squirrel help your mother with the dusting? We just tied up his tail and let him run between the Venetian blinds. Costello. Costello. Stop that pounding. Hey. I'm hanging up this poem I wrote over to Morse Falls. What does it say? Here. There once was a man named Frasier. The moth cut into his Frasier. They chewed up his coat and they chewed up his pants and they swallowed his shorts for a chaser.
[00:06:26] Unknown:
That's good. That's alright. Hey. Wait a minute. A young woman just walked in. See what she wants. Hello, boy. Oh, Abbott. It's the movie actress, Bessie Mae Muchock.
[00:06:34] Unknown:
Can I wait on you, miss Muchock? Yes. I came in here to do a little Christmas shopping. Shopping? Yes. I would like to purchase a diamond studded platinum compote. Compote? Oh, sure, Abby. You know what a compote is. That's what the girls carried their lip brows and faced puder in. I would like to have the compote wrapped as a gift. You'll wrap it carefully, won't you? Oh, I'll wrap it very carefully. I'll tie some tween around it. I'll put it in some colored wrapping paper. Oh, that will be splendid. And send the pockets to my winter home in Sunbury. Hey, Abbot. You get that? We're gonna send the pockets to her winter home in Sunbowley. Sunbowley?
Yes. I go boat sledding all winter. Boat sledding? Yes. Don't you just love to go boat sledding? No. I'd rather go tobogganing into snooze. Well, I would be going out and, bonsoir. And a crepes is up to you. That's all I am. Here comes your girlfriend. Lean against her. Ah, there you are you beer barrel pool cat. I came down the aisle and saw you talking to that dame. I can't help it, Lena. I guess it's a Van Johnson and me. Bow your head when you say those two sacred words. Now wait a minute, Lina. What has Van Johnson got that I haven't got? What else?
Listen, fat stuff. I don't know what you fool around with girls. I can read your mind like a book. Ouch. This idea slipped my face. I just read page six. Abbott, call her doctor. Of course. Unless she gets to page 10. Mister Costello, I came down here to find out what you're getting me for Christmas. Oh, I say a beautiful bottle of perfume. It's called five nights in the drainage canal. It's five nights in a drainage canal. Yeah. It's Fleur du Sur. I've shamed my mind. You can hardly hit the cover of it. Well, I've shamed my mind, Gisela. I don't want any present from you. You're nothing but a two timing fat little flirt. Please, Lena. Don't feel that way. If you just make up with me, I'll promise I'll never look at another girl if I live for a thousand years. In all the way to you, so you can know that. My. How can I apply? Well, I've had enough of you, Costello.
Good
[00:09:05] Unknown:
spot. What's going on here? What's the idea, Costello, of chasing that customer out of my store? Mister Melanin. I've had enough of you, Costello. Turn in your pencil and your Dixie cup. Look, mister Millerhead. Why don't you give the boy another chance? Come on. Give him a break. He's alright. Alright. I will. Just tell him, I'm gonna show you how to be a salesman. Now there's a counter over there with 100 umbrellas on it. They sell for $5 a piece. Okay. Now move ahead. Nobody wants to pay $5 for umbrella. That's where salesmanship comes in. You've gotta make them buy it. Now I'll pretend that I'm a customer, and when I come up, you sell me one of those umbrellas. Now here I come. Okay. Good morning, clerk. I'd like to buy an umbrella. I can let you have one for $5. 5 dollars? That's too much money. You mean you don't want it? No. See? I tell you nobody wants to pay $5 for umbrella. No. No. No. No. No. You idiot. You moron. You've gotta sell me on the umbrella. Why don't you pay attention to me, Costello? Stop eating those powder pumps. Powder pumps? I thought they were marshmallows.
Pay attention to me. I'm trying to teach you salesmanship for my store. Now here I come again. Good morning, clerk. I'd like to buy an umbrella. Oh, back again, What do you mean back again? I've never been in here before. I swear you were just in here. I never figured a face, especially a long face like yours. It's never mind about the length of my face. What an idiot you are. Get off behind that counter. I'll be the clerk and you'll be the customer. Now Okay. You come up and ask for an umbrella and I'll show you how to sell umbrella. Okay. Here I come. Good morning, Court. Good morning. Would you like to buy an umbrella? No. Thanks. No. Thanks? Then in heaven's name, what did you come in here for? It's raining outside.
Listen to me, you dummy. You want an umbrella umbrella. Shame on you. We never call them umbrellas care color for you. What do you call them? Fox six.
[00:10:46] Unknown:
Don't.
[00:10:49] Unknown:
You're nothing, miss Phillips. You're nothing but a concerned idiot. Now you go out the front door, come in here again, and believe me. I'm gonna make you buy an umbrella for $5. You are? Yes. I'm gonna make you buy it. I'll show you what tells you what it really means. Now get out that door and come in again. Alright, Crisello. Come in. Crisello. Costello, come in. Will you please come in?
[00:11:14] Unknown:
Melanhead's department store. This is just now. For heaven's sakes, where are you? I'm across the street at drugstore. What are you doing over there? You're not gonna stick me with no fight out on product and fight it over here for 29¢.
[00:11:41] Unknown:
CUSTELLA, what are you doing up here in the toy department? Why aren't you working? Oh, but I love toys. Just look at this cute little electric train. Right.
[00:11:50] Unknown:
Yes. Right.
[00:12:04] Unknown:
That was an electric train. What what were you doing with that train? I thought I saw an empty seat. I you idiot. Acting like a little kid, I ought to buy you a doll and some game. Just get me a doll. I'll think of the games. You better not let mister Mellenhead catch you fooling around up here. Oh, yeah. I like to see him walking here right now. I'd I'd tell him where to get off. No. So you're gonna tell me where to get off, Costello? Yes, Mellenhead. Where are you at? 6500 Hollywood Boulevard. Well, you get off at my street? You come here, you, princess moron. Do you realize you haven't sold a thing all day? I'm gonna give you one last chance, Costello. Here comes one of my store's best customers. Now see if you can wait on her. Okay? Come on, Costello. Oh, oh, how do you do, missus Niles? Oh, no, miss Rabbit.
[00:12:50] Unknown:
My I see you have a new washing machine on display. Oh, pardon me. It's Costello the tub fooled me. Missus Missus Niles, I don't wanna have any discussions with you. Not doing the happy you tidy speed season. Every time I talk to you, I have an awful time holding my temper in. Well, that's silly, Costello, holding your temper in and letting the rest of you spread all over the place. Oh, I wish you hadn't said that, missus Niles. I was just about say you're beautiful as a summer sky. Your eyes are like a twinkling star. Your ears like clouds, hit by moonbeam.
Your slender white neck is like the Milky Way. And your mouth Yes. Yes, my mouth. Your mouth hangs open like the big dipper. Oh, Cottrell. I refuse to talk to you. And, miss Rabbit, I'd like to get something for my husband, Kenneth, that'll make him very happy. Where are you gonna get a new face?
[00:13:51] Unknown:
Alright, Cussle. I'll let you know.
[00:13:53] Unknown:
Tell me, missus Niles, could we interest you for, some friend in the service? Why, yes. What could you suggest for a soldier about 35? A blonde about 21. I am not talking to you, Costello. Miss Rabbit, there's another present I have to get. Oh, it's it's a different old flame of mine I used to run around with when I was a young girl. If you ran around with him when you were a young girl, you better get him a bowl. A bowl? Yeah. Something to soak his bread in. Oh, mister Rabbit, I'll I'll never forget, dear Ralph. You know, he and two other boys, Roger and Grant, proposed to me one night that I turned them all down. Yeah. Oh, you know what made them so unhappy? Because the very next day, Roger took strip nine, Ralph took arsenic, and Grant took Richmond. Oh, oh, I've taken just about enough from you, Carcel. I'm leaving the store now. Never coming back. Goodbye.
Talk, Carcelo. You insult my best customer. That doesn't. Get your hat and coat and get out. Oh, I'm here. You're a weak salary. Just a minute. This doesn't look like a full week salary. What do I count it? Go on. 10, 20, 30, 40 1, 40 2, 40 3. It's all here. 43¢?
[00:15:06] Unknown:
No Christmas bonus? Alright. Here's a bonus.
[00:15:09] Unknown:
44¢ I got now. Right. Alright. Now get out.
[00:15:13] Unknown:
Well, I warned you Costello. Now you're fired. What are you going to do?
[00:15:18] Unknown:
I'm not gonna lose my temper. Not around Christmas time anyway. I'm gonna return good for evil. I'm gonna spend all my salary right here in this very store. No. I don't know how you do it, Costello. Missus Niles is mad at you. Your girlfriend is mad at you. And now Millen Head is mad at you. But there's one person in this world that loves me. That's my uncle Artie Seven's wife, my aunt Annie. Come on, Abbott. I'm gonna buy her something at the cosmetic counter. Is there anything I can do for you who carry a full line of cosmetics? Lulu, lipstick, face, peanut cleansing tissue. Cleansing what? Tissue. Tissue. Well, it seems kinda silly, but if you wanna fish me, go ahead. It's just me and not piss you out. Alright. Alright. Cut them. Let's please. Let me handle this. Look, madam. My friend here is a little confused. He doesn't know what to get his aunt Annie for Christmas. Well, maybe I can help. What kind of a complexion does she have? Is she fair, dark, or medium? Oh, she has a peach complexion. A peach complexion? Yeah. Yellow and fuzzy.
For something exception of this lady, I imagine you. One of your what? The lady wants to sell you a kit. What I wanna buy a kit for? I'm gonna get married and have kids on my arm. Well, you don't understand. This is a beauty kit. With full instructions, all this lady has to do is apply some of this lotion. Then she covers her face with the white of an egg, some sour cream, and a case of tea. She said that once. But what what happened? The next morning she broke out in biscuits. Oh. Now you silly boy. You tickle me. Now you tickle me first. Stop her. Cassel, if you don't buy something pretty soon, I'm gonna walk out on you. Well, just a minute, boys. How about something for the lady's hair? Does she have a snoot? Tell me she's got a snoot. Well, is it a short snoot that hangs on her back? No. It's a long snoot that hangs down over her chin.
Stella, the lady is talking about your aunt's hairdo. Yes. What's your aunt's hairdo? What does her hairdo? What? Comes out when she calms her.
[00:17:04] Unknown:
No, Cassella. We're trying to find out how she does her hair. Does she pile it on the top of her head or does she drop it down her neck? She hangs it up in the clock. No.
[00:17:13] Unknown:
Look, Cassella. Does she wear her hair off her face? No. It takes too long to wear it off. You have to pull it out with tweezers.
[00:17:21] Unknown:
Look, miss. Please. Crustilla's hand is short and tight just like him.
[00:17:25] Unknown:
Oh, I've got just the present for her. Our special weight reducing machine called the melt your belt away fat cabinet. There it is. Stand right over there. Lady, those things are a big fake. Oh, Costello. How can you call a thing a fake without drying it? How much is your amp weight? 240 pounds for the girdle on. Well, how much does she weigh with it off? I don't know. She can never get it off. Well, now this machine is absolutely guaranteed to take the weight off no matter how fat you are. If you're skeptical, young man, why don't you get into the machine and try it yourself? No. That's fair enough. Go ahead. Get into the machine and we'll find out if it works. Wait a minute, Abbot. No. No. Go on. Get in there. Get in there. Go on. Get in there. Now that's a good boy. Now we'll get on the machine and you'll see how it melts the fat away in no time.
[00:18:19] Unknown:
Costello? Costello? Where are you? I'm right Speak to me. Where are you? I'm right there, rabbit. All I can see is a little puddle of water. Well, don't step in it. It's me. Will Halsbury's orchestra from Will's new picture, swing parade of 1946, just a little fun defection. And I'll hear about having a new customer with a final word. Ladies and gentlemen, we have had many complaints that the program is too short. So, we'd like to ask you a question. Ladies and gentlemen, what would you say if starting next week you could hear a full hour of Abbott and Costello? Oh, no. That's not anything but not all. How much did a guy say?
[00:20:46] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, you. Hey. You think you're pretty smart interrupting us every week.
[00:20:52] Unknown:
I've been around. I'd like to ask you a question. There's a mule on one side of the river. On the other side is a bale of hay. The river's 40 feet deep. How's the mule get the hay? I give up. That's what the other jackass did. Good night, folks. Good night.
[00:21:06] Unknown:
Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. And don't forget, buy buy all the victory bonds you possibly can at your local theater. Buy your possibly can. Buy more and more.
Hello. It is Ryan, and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chumbacasino.com. I looked over the person sitting next to me, and you know what they were doing? They were also playing Chumba casino. Coincidence? I think not. Everybody's loving having fun with it. Chumba casino is home to hundreds of casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere, even at 30,000 feet. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com to claim your free welcome bonus at chumba casino dot com and live the Chumba life. No purchase necessary. Terms and conditions, 18 plus. It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chumba Casino. At chumbacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
No purchases. HWT. Avoid prohibited by law, see terms and conditions, 18 plus.
[00:01:03] Unknown:
The Abbott and Costello program, starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. The Abbott and Costello program with a modern rhythm of Will Osborne and his orchestra, Iris Hadrian, singing star Connie Hayes. And spotlighting that chubby chunky little cherub who when caught trying to rent his kid brother to a freak show because he heard his mother say he had grown another foot, calmly said. I'm a
[00:01:39] Unknown:
bird. Well, Castello, mate again. Here I get you a nice job in Melon Head's department store. And on the very first day you come in late for work. Well, what's your excuse this time? Well, I've been, I've been out at Hollywood Boulevard and I was watching the Santa Claus parade. Yeah. And what a parade. I know that. There's 10 big bunch of movie stars and then thanks Chantee Claws. And after Chantee Claws came the beautiful Lady Godiva on a big wide horse. Well, what came after Lady Godiva? The cops. The girl. Stop talking like a child. Horses in a Christmas parade. But you have all kinds of animals in the parade, Abbot. Abbot. You sure seen that great big giraffe? Giraffe? Yeah. You know what, Abbot? What? I wish I was the body of a giraffe and Lana Turner was the head. You wish I was the body of a giraffe and Lana Turner was the head. Why? I always wanted the long neck with Lana Turner.
Get busy and dust off those counters. Come on. No. You just shut off the counters. Get over there and dust them all. But I gotta hang up this sign. Oh, boy. Isn't that a beautiful sign? What does it say? Look at it. Original gowns by Costello. Nifty creation scrips and tapes for slender young figures and droopy old shapes. Pierre Costello, the great French designer. Wait a minute. How can you call yourself a French designer? I mean designer.
[00:02:56] Unknown:
Have you ever been have you ever been to Paris? Oui oui. I'm a well known parasite. And, and did you sell the latest style? Oui. Did you look over the French model? Wow.
[00:03:10] Unknown:
I see. I see. In other words, do you like mannequin? No. I like gurikens. You like gurikens? Yes, babykins.
[00:03:17] Unknown:
I'll talk. Answer that. Okay. Okay. Okay.
[00:03:22] Unknown:
Hello? Now I'm heading to the potter store.
[00:03:24] Unknown:
Pardon me, but do you have a large aluminum pot? Yes. I have. My heaven. How do you get your pants on?
[00:03:37] Unknown:
Hey. That's a very that's a big belly wrap. I think I'll pull it on Adam. Hey, Adam. Have you got a large aluminum pot? No. But I've got a six cup percolator. Now what am I gonna do with the pants?
[00:03:48] Unknown:
I'm sick of talking to you. If you want me, I'll be in ladies' lingerie. You'll be where? I'll be in ladies lingerie. Well, that's a nice picture. You're gonna wear scanties for panties? No. No. No. Tell me. I'm going over there to pick out a blouse for my wife. A peekaboo. A what? Peekaboo.
[00:04:03] Unknown:
Okay. Peekaboo. I see you. I didn't know you'd like to play titty games. Look. Will you shut up? I'm going to get my wife a blouse and a nice pair of mule. Pair of mule? Yes.
[00:04:13] Unknown:
I wonder what my wife would say to a pair of mule. Ah, she'd probably say like anybody else. Woah and giddy up. I'm talking about a pair of bedroom mule. Bedroom mules? Yes. My wife has all kinds of mules in her bedroom. Red mules, green mules. Why, she even has a pair of checkered mules. Hey, Albert. Do you see all those different color mules with your own eyes? Of course. Certainly. I see them every night. In fact, I saw them this morning.
[00:04:34] Unknown:
Let me smell your breath.
[00:04:36] Unknown:
Love you, dummy. Doesn't your mother have mules in her bedroom? No. My father's very particular. Look. When your mother gets up in the morning, what does she put on her feet? Corn flusters. No. No. No. She must have some kind of mules. There are two kinds of mules, silk and felt. Felt? Yes. Hasn't your mother felt mules? No, sir. She never touches any kind of animals. Forget about the animals. Every woman likes mules. Now my wife uses a pair of mules to go around the house. What's the matter? Is she too lazy to walk? When she gets up in the morning, she always slips on her mule. Why don't she keep them out in the backyard?
Why would my wife needs her mules, to keep her feet
[00:05:12] Unknown:
warm. You mean you are sleeping in the same bed?
[00:05:15] Unknown:
I don't sleep in the same bed. My wife keeps her mules under the bed. For goodness sake, don't the water house say nothing? Look. I settled it. I'm going right up to mister Mellahont's office and tell him that you're not fit to work in a department store.
[00:05:28] Unknown:
Please don't do that. Why not? Don't make me lose my job. Well, I should. I'm trying to make some Christmas money to buy my dear old mother a present. What do you mean? I wanted to get her a little pet squirrel. You wanna buy buy a little squirrel for your mother? Yes, Abbot. I figured he could help her with the housework and do the dusting. Wait a minute. Hello? Could a squirrel help Wait a minute. How could a squirrel help your mother with the dusting? We just tied up his tail and let him run between the Venetian blinds. Costello. Costello. Stop that pounding. Hey. I'm hanging up this poem I wrote over to Morse Falls. What does it say? Here. There once was a man named Frasier. The moth cut into his Frasier. They chewed up his coat and they chewed up his pants and they swallowed his shorts for a chaser.
[00:06:26] Unknown:
That's good. That's alright. Hey. Wait a minute. A young woman just walked in. See what she wants. Hello, boy. Oh, Abbott. It's the movie actress, Bessie Mae Muchock.
[00:06:34] Unknown:
Can I wait on you, miss Muchock? Yes. I came in here to do a little Christmas shopping. Shopping? Yes. I would like to purchase a diamond studded platinum compote. Compote? Oh, sure, Abby. You know what a compote is. That's what the girls carried their lip brows and faced puder in. I would like to have the compote wrapped as a gift. You'll wrap it carefully, won't you? Oh, I'll wrap it very carefully. I'll tie some tween around it. I'll put it in some colored wrapping paper. Oh, that will be splendid. And send the pockets to my winter home in Sunbury. Hey, Abbot. You get that? We're gonna send the pockets to her winter home in Sunbowley. Sunbowley?
Yes. I go boat sledding all winter. Boat sledding? Yes. Don't you just love to go boat sledding? No. I'd rather go tobogganing into snooze. Well, I would be going out and, bonsoir. And a crepes is up to you. That's all I am. Here comes your girlfriend. Lean against her. Ah, there you are you beer barrel pool cat. I came down the aisle and saw you talking to that dame. I can't help it, Lena. I guess it's a Van Johnson and me. Bow your head when you say those two sacred words. Now wait a minute, Lina. What has Van Johnson got that I haven't got? What else?
Listen, fat stuff. I don't know what you fool around with girls. I can read your mind like a book. Ouch. This idea slipped my face. I just read page six. Abbott, call her doctor. Of course. Unless she gets to page 10. Mister Costello, I came down here to find out what you're getting me for Christmas. Oh, I say a beautiful bottle of perfume. It's called five nights in the drainage canal. It's five nights in a drainage canal. Yeah. It's Fleur du Sur. I've shamed my mind. You can hardly hit the cover of it. Well, I've shamed my mind, Gisela. I don't want any present from you. You're nothing but a two timing fat little flirt. Please, Lena. Don't feel that way. If you just make up with me, I'll promise I'll never look at another girl if I live for a thousand years. In all the way to you, so you can know that. My. How can I apply? Well, I've had enough of you, Costello.
Good
[00:09:05] Unknown:
spot. What's going on here? What's the idea, Costello, of chasing that customer out of my store? Mister Melanin. I've had enough of you, Costello. Turn in your pencil and your Dixie cup. Look, mister Millerhead. Why don't you give the boy another chance? Come on. Give him a break. He's alright. Alright. I will. Just tell him, I'm gonna show you how to be a salesman. Now there's a counter over there with 100 umbrellas on it. They sell for $5 a piece. Okay. Now move ahead. Nobody wants to pay $5 for umbrella. That's where salesmanship comes in. You've gotta make them buy it. Now I'll pretend that I'm a customer, and when I come up, you sell me one of those umbrellas. Now here I come. Okay. Good morning, clerk. I'd like to buy an umbrella. I can let you have one for $5. 5 dollars? That's too much money. You mean you don't want it? No. See? I tell you nobody wants to pay $5 for umbrella. No. No. No. No. No. You idiot. You moron. You've gotta sell me on the umbrella. Why don't you pay attention to me, Costello? Stop eating those powder pumps. Powder pumps? I thought they were marshmallows.
Pay attention to me. I'm trying to teach you salesmanship for my store. Now here I come again. Good morning, clerk. I'd like to buy an umbrella. Oh, back again, What do you mean back again? I've never been in here before. I swear you were just in here. I never figured a face, especially a long face like yours. It's never mind about the length of my face. What an idiot you are. Get off behind that counter. I'll be the clerk and you'll be the customer. Now Okay. You come up and ask for an umbrella and I'll show you how to sell umbrella. Okay. Here I come. Good morning, Court. Good morning. Would you like to buy an umbrella? No. Thanks. No. Thanks? Then in heaven's name, what did you come in here for? It's raining outside.
Listen to me, you dummy. You want an umbrella umbrella. Shame on you. We never call them umbrellas care color for you. What do you call them? Fox six.
[00:10:46] Unknown:
Don't.
[00:10:49] Unknown:
You're nothing, miss Phillips. You're nothing but a concerned idiot. Now you go out the front door, come in here again, and believe me. I'm gonna make you buy an umbrella for $5. You are? Yes. I'm gonna make you buy it. I'll show you what tells you what it really means. Now get out that door and come in again. Alright, Crisello. Come in. Crisello. Costello, come in. Will you please come in?
[00:11:14] Unknown:
Melanhead's department store. This is just now. For heaven's sakes, where are you? I'm across the street at drugstore. What are you doing over there? You're not gonna stick me with no fight out on product and fight it over here for 29¢.
[00:11:41] Unknown:
CUSTELLA, what are you doing up here in the toy department? Why aren't you working? Oh, but I love toys. Just look at this cute little electric train. Right.
[00:11:50] Unknown:
Yes. Right.
[00:12:04] Unknown:
That was an electric train. What what were you doing with that train? I thought I saw an empty seat. I you idiot. Acting like a little kid, I ought to buy you a doll and some game. Just get me a doll. I'll think of the games. You better not let mister Mellenhead catch you fooling around up here. Oh, yeah. I like to see him walking here right now. I'd I'd tell him where to get off. No. So you're gonna tell me where to get off, Costello? Yes, Mellenhead. Where are you at? 6500 Hollywood Boulevard. Well, you get off at my street? You come here, you, princess moron. Do you realize you haven't sold a thing all day? I'm gonna give you one last chance, Costello. Here comes one of my store's best customers. Now see if you can wait on her. Okay? Come on, Costello. Oh, oh, how do you do, missus Niles? Oh, no, miss Rabbit.
[00:12:50] Unknown:
My I see you have a new washing machine on display. Oh, pardon me. It's Costello the tub fooled me. Missus Missus Niles, I don't wanna have any discussions with you. Not doing the happy you tidy speed season. Every time I talk to you, I have an awful time holding my temper in. Well, that's silly, Costello, holding your temper in and letting the rest of you spread all over the place. Oh, I wish you hadn't said that, missus Niles. I was just about say you're beautiful as a summer sky. Your eyes are like a twinkling star. Your ears like clouds, hit by moonbeam.
Your slender white neck is like the Milky Way. And your mouth Yes. Yes, my mouth. Your mouth hangs open like the big dipper. Oh, Cottrell. I refuse to talk to you. And, miss Rabbit, I'd like to get something for my husband, Kenneth, that'll make him very happy. Where are you gonna get a new face?
[00:13:51] Unknown:
Alright, Cussle. I'll let you know.
[00:13:53] Unknown:
Tell me, missus Niles, could we interest you for, some friend in the service? Why, yes. What could you suggest for a soldier about 35? A blonde about 21. I am not talking to you, Costello. Miss Rabbit, there's another present I have to get. Oh, it's it's a different old flame of mine I used to run around with when I was a young girl. If you ran around with him when you were a young girl, you better get him a bowl. A bowl? Yeah. Something to soak his bread in. Oh, mister Rabbit, I'll I'll never forget, dear Ralph. You know, he and two other boys, Roger and Grant, proposed to me one night that I turned them all down. Yeah. Oh, you know what made them so unhappy? Because the very next day, Roger took strip nine, Ralph took arsenic, and Grant took Richmond. Oh, oh, I've taken just about enough from you, Carcel. I'm leaving the store now. Never coming back. Goodbye.
Talk, Carcelo. You insult my best customer. That doesn't. Get your hat and coat and get out. Oh, I'm here. You're a weak salary. Just a minute. This doesn't look like a full week salary. What do I count it? Go on. 10, 20, 30, 40 1, 40 2, 40 3. It's all here. 43¢?
[00:15:06] Unknown:
No Christmas bonus? Alright. Here's a bonus.
[00:15:09] Unknown:
44¢ I got now. Right. Alright. Now get out.
[00:15:13] Unknown:
Well, I warned you Costello. Now you're fired. What are you going to do?
[00:15:18] Unknown:
I'm not gonna lose my temper. Not around Christmas time anyway. I'm gonna return good for evil. I'm gonna spend all my salary right here in this very store. No. I don't know how you do it, Costello. Missus Niles is mad at you. Your girlfriend is mad at you. And now Millen Head is mad at you. But there's one person in this world that loves me. That's my uncle Artie Seven's wife, my aunt Annie. Come on, Abbott. I'm gonna buy her something at the cosmetic counter. Is there anything I can do for you who carry a full line of cosmetics? Lulu, lipstick, face, peanut cleansing tissue. Cleansing what? Tissue. Tissue. Well, it seems kinda silly, but if you wanna fish me, go ahead. It's just me and not piss you out. Alright. Alright. Cut them. Let's please. Let me handle this. Look, madam. My friend here is a little confused. He doesn't know what to get his aunt Annie for Christmas. Well, maybe I can help. What kind of a complexion does she have? Is she fair, dark, or medium? Oh, she has a peach complexion. A peach complexion? Yeah. Yellow and fuzzy.
For something exception of this lady, I imagine you. One of your what? The lady wants to sell you a kit. What I wanna buy a kit for? I'm gonna get married and have kids on my arm. Well, you don't understand. This is a beauty kit. With full instructions, all this lady has to do is apply some of this lotion. Then she covers her face with the white of an egg, some sour cream, and a case of tea. She said that once. But what what happened? The next morning she broke out in biscuits. Oh. Now you silly boy. You tickle me. Now you tickle me first. Stop her. Cassel, if you don't buy something pretty soon, I'm gonna walk out on you. Well, just a minute, boys. How about something for the lady's hair? Does she have a snoot? Tell me she's got a snoot. Well, is it a short snoot that hangs on her back? No. It's a long snoot that hangs down over her chin.
Stella, the lady is talking about your aunt's hairdo. Yes. What's your aunt's hairdo? What does her hairdo? What? Comes out when she calms her.
[00:17:04] Unknown:
No, Cassella. We're trying to find out how she does her hair. Does she pile it on the top of her head or does she drop it down her neck? She hangs it up in the clock. No.
[00:17:13] Unknown:
Look, Cassella. Does she wear her hair off her face? No. It takes too long to wear it off. You have to pull it out with tweezers.
[00:17:21] Unknown:
Look, miss. Please. Crustilla's hand is short and tight just like him.
[00:17:25] Unknown:
Oh, I've got just the present for her. Our special weight reducing machine called the melt your belt away fat cabinet. There it is. Stand right over there. Lady, those things are a big fake. Oh, Costello. How can you call a thing a fake without drying it? How much is your amp weight? 240 pounds for the girdle on. Well, how much does she weigh with it off? I don't know. She can never get it off. Well, now this machine is absolutely guaranteed to take the weight off no matter how fat you are. If you're skeptical, young man, why don't you get into the machine and try it yourself? No. That's fair enough. Go ahead. Get into the machine and we'll find out if it works. Wait a minute, Abbot. No. No. Go on. Get in there. Get in there. Go on. Get in there. Now that's a good boy. Now we'll get on the machine and you'll see how it melts the fat away in no time.
[00:18:19] Unknown:
Costello? Costello? Where are you? I'm right Speak to me. Where are you? I'm right there, rabbit. All I can see is a little puddle of water. Well, don't step in it. It's me. Will Halsbury's orchestra from Will's new picture, swing parade of 1946, just a little fun defection. And I'll hear about having a new customer with a final word. Ladies and gentlemen, we have had many complaints that the program is too short. So, we'd like to ask you a question. Ladies and gentlemen, what would you say if starting next week you could hear a full hour of Abbott and Costello? Oh, no. That's not anything but not all. How much did a guy say?
[00:20:46] Unknown:
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, you. Hey. You think you're pretty smart interrupting us every week.
[00:20:52] Unknown:
I've been around. I'd like to ask you a question. There's a mule on one side of the river. On the other side is a bale of hay. The river's 40 feet deep. How's the mule get the hay? I give up. That's what the other jackass did. Good night, folks. Good night.
[00:21:06] Unknown:
Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. And don't forget, buy buy all the victory bonds you possibly can at your local theater. Buy your possibly can. Buy more and more.
