In this lively episode, Ryan kicks things off with a fun discussion about how people celebrate their wins, whether it's with a fist pump, a "woo hoo," or a high five. He then shares his enthusiasm for Chamba Casino, a platform offering a wide variety of social casino-style games with the chance to win cash prizes. Ryan invites listeners to join in the fun and explore the exciting games and daily bonuses available at Chamba Casino.
The episode takes a comedic turn with a classic sketch featuring Abbott and Costello. The duo engages in a humorous dialogue about a wedding, filled with witty banter and misunderstandings. The conversation covers everything from the bride's attire to the concept of opening a matrimonial agency, showcasing the timeless humor of Abbott and Costello. The episode wraps up with a series of comedic exchanges involving a matrimonial agency, a potential client, and Costello's mischievous brother, Sebastian, leading to a chaotic yet entertaining conclusion.
(00:32) Ryan's Fun Introduction
(01:00) Costello's Wedding Adventure
(04:31) Matrimonial Agency Plans
(08:02) Unexpected Clients and Chaos
(12:32) Family Comedy and Misunderstandings
(16:12) Sebastian's Mischief
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chamba Casino. At chambacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com. No purchase necessary. VWO. Point prohibited by law. See terms and conditions. 18 plus. Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chamba Casino. They have hundreds of social casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at ChambaCasino.com.
No purchase necessary. DGW. Avoid by law. See terms and conditions, 18 plus. Hey,
[00:00:59] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. VWO. Hey, Costello. Where have you been? Yeah. Where have you been? Why are you all dressed up tonight? Oh, where? But I just canceled my cousin, Corporal Hugo, Costello's wedding. Oh, so your cousin Hugo finally got married. Yeah. Who did he marry? Who did he marry? Yeah. He married a woman. Yeah. Tell me. Of course he married a woman. Whoever heard of anybody? Marrying a man. My mother did. Oh, no. Talk then. Did your, cousin Hugo have a military, wedding? It must have been. Her father was carrying a gun. Well well, I hope Hugo will be very happy. I think he will, Abbott. Marriage is so romantic. So interesting.
His ration books, her ration books, lying side by side on the kitchen table? Yes. That is side by side. Side by side. Ration books. That is romantic. Ration books side by side. Yeah. That's the biggest hole I'm gonna drill right here. Alright. Wait a minute. I'll never see you. Hey. Wait a minute. No. Alright. No. Go. But by the way, who gave the ride away, Costello? Who gave the ride away? Well, let me see what case you want. Oh, never mind. Who gave who gave the ride away? What I said? Don't you know it's your own cousin? Nobody.
Nobody. No. I could've but I'd come out just Oh, no. No. No. No, Cutssel. I mean, who led her down the aisle? Nobody let her. She knew the way blindfolded. Look, Adele. If somebody had to lead her down the aisle to meet her spouse To meet her what? To meet her spouse. You go with the spouse. Are you lost now? No. No. No. No. No. No. I'm say in a spouse, her spouse Now just a minute. I got her. Just a minute. Hugo was her spouse. You can't call uncle Hugo a spouse. He never touches herself. No. No. I don't. Okay. Okay. Then we'll say Hugo was the groom. That's better. He was a groom before he got married too. Oh, now wait a minute. How could he be the groom before he got married? She took care of the general force. I the first debit. Okay. Never mind.
Look. How does the bride look, Artela? Was she wearing a corsage? Abbot, how can you ask me such a thing? I'm only a young boy. Oh, now love. I'm only asking you I'm only asking you if the bride wore a corsage. No. With her shape, she didn't need one. No. Look, Costello. You saw the bride, didn't you? Sure. Well, what kind of clothes did she wear? Oh, she had a beautiful torso. Torso? Yep. Every bride has to have a torso. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. You mean, Trusso? Did you, see her Trusso? He wasn't there. No. Who wasn't there? Radisson Trussa. No. No.
Listen, god. Tell them what you're looking like a kid. No. I'm not talking now. Let's not explain it to you. When the bride came into the church, did you notice her train? What train? She grew up in a secondhand clinic. Not a I am talking about the train on her dress. Now with every bridal dress, you get a train. What store is giving those away? I bought a suit once and got a baseball bat and a catcher's mitt, but I never got a train. No. No. Don't cut it. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Will you please listen? No. Yes. When the look. When the when the bride walked into the church now listen to me, please.
When the bride walked into the church, was she dragging anything behind her? Yeah. My cousin Hugo. I yeah. No. No. I'm talking about her dress. Did you see that long white piece of goods hanging from her dress? Oh, yeah. I saw that. Well, that was her train. That was her train? Yeah. I threw it over. That thing is torn up. You tore off her train? Yep. How does the bride look without a train? She looked like a late face with a loose caboose. Catelli, you're not fit to talk to an idiot. Okay. Then I'll have to write your note. Catelli, will you shut up? Catelli. Catelli. Shut up. Now I have a definite reason for wanting to know about this wedding. Now listen to me, please.
I'm still thinking about your $75 that we have in the bank. Yeah. Now we're going to make that money. Would you listen to me, please? Go ahead. Alright. Now we're gonna take that money. At you? Yes. We're gonna take that money and open a matrimonial agency. I'm gonna open up a matrimonial agency. That's what we're gonna do. Be responsible for sticking dice with mother in laws. Oh, what's wrong? Me. What's wrong with mother in laws? You know you know what a mother-in-law is? Yes. A mother-in-law is the gestapo with bloomers. Nostril. But, Nostril, think think what a wonderful thing it would be to bring people together. Why, marriage is a wonderful thing. Maybe. But I don't like the part where they throw the rice. They threw rice at my cousin Hugo today, and it's too messy. Oh, come come come. It's too messy. Rice isn't messy. It is messy when it's mixed with chop suey.
Hold on. Weddings are beautiful. Don't you like the old fashioned union? No. They itch me all over. No. Cut that out. Please. Your underwear doesn't fit our conversation. My under underwear will fit anything. My underwear will fit anything except me. Alright. Let me Where am I? I don't know where you're at. Godzilla, there's no use, Hogg. You know, I've I've made up your mind. Well, you what we do? Now look, Kim. We're gonna take your $75 and open a matrimonial agency. Now, look. You know we can make a fortune by uniting people in bonds of matrimony. Bonds of matrimony? Sure. Are they anything like war bonds? Oh, matrimony has nothing to do with war. That ain't the way I heard it.
And besides Abbott, where are we gonna get any customers? A guy has to be making a lot of money nowadays in order to get married. Oh, that's ridiculous. Do you know what I I was getting when I was married? I know what you was getting when you got married. Yeah. No. And I'll bet you didn't eat it. No. I I get out of here. Well, can't tell them. Well, here we are in our own office. Well, yeah. Here we are in our Hello, Ken. How are you? Ken? Come over here a minute, Ken. How you been? Well, you've got something to say to the folks, haven't you? I have nothing to say to the folks. You know? Why not tell the folks right from our office? Well, now I don't have any of you to say right here. Get away from the office. How are you doing at the office? How do you like the office, though? I like the office. This is our new matrimonial agency. Everything is laying around the office here. Yeah. Look, Kevin. What? Who painted our names on those office doors? I did. You did? You you see on my door, it says, Bud Abbott, senior partner. And your door, it says, Luke Costello Junior.
I don't like the way you spell Junior. What do you mean? J a n I t o r. Looks like I'm gonna clean up in this business. Come on, Costello. Answer the phone. It might be a reply to the matrimonial ad that I put in the papers this morning. Hello. Hello. Hello. Avenue Customs, matrimonial agency. If you furnish the money, we'll get you a honey. Say, do you think you could find me a wife? You see, I've gotta have a wife. I've got $2,000,000. I'll give the girl a million dollars, and I'll give you a million dollars for your fee. I mean, that was for me. Oh, boy. Come right over to the office. I can't come over. They won't let me out of here. But I'm alright, I tell you. I'm alright. Hey, Abbot. What paper did you put that ad in? The hardware journal. I thought so. One of the nuts just called up.
[00:08:03] Unknown:
I'm looking for a man. I've got to have a man. I must have an man. I tell you I must have a man. Lady, put me down. Just a minute, miss. What can we do for you? All my life, I've been the ideal man, and at last, I found you. I love this little fat boy. Oh, speak to me, my chubby little Romeo. Tell me that you love me. Speak to me. Speak to me. Why don't you say so?
[00:08:29] Unknown:
I think you're standing on my chest.
[00:08:36] Unknown:
Wonderful man. Take you out, my little fat boy, and say say that I am beautiful. Go ahead. Say it. I don't want. Please please say it. Say that I am beautiful.
[00:08:51] Unknown:
Okay. I am beautiful. And, love, man. I am in the city. Madam. We'll find a husband. Love, we'll find a husband if you'll just answer a few questions. Now have you ever been married before?
[00:09:03] Unknown:
Yes. I was happily married for fifteen years, but seven years ago my husband disappeared. I'm afraid the poor man is dead. Costello,
[00:09:10] Unknown:
just look at this poor woman. Yeah. Her husband is dead. I am looking at her. He isn't dead. He's fighting. Now get her out of here rabbit. Look, Cabot, please. What kind of a business did you get me into? First, the crazy crazy guy calls up, and then a dame tries to run away with me. I'm going back to my old racket raising pigs. Raising pigs? Yes, sir. I buy pigs in the fall for $2. I pack them up and sell them in the spring for $2. Wait a minute. You buy pigs in the fall for $2? Sure. You sell them in the spring for $2? Sure. You can't make any money that way. No. But I have the use of the pigs all winter. I uh-oh.
This is probably another customer coming. I I haven't sure got the yet running Diane Dandy. Well, it's our friend, Kissel. Oh, Kissel. Kissel,
[00:10:05] Unknown:
what brought you here? Well, I heard that you two kiddies were in the ceremonial business, so I left Chicago, and I came out here on a Greyhound.
[00:10:13] Unknown:
You came out here on a Greyhound? Yes. How did you ever stay on his back?
[00:10:18] Unknown:
I think I stay on his
[00:10:21] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. I know you don't like it. I like it. Yeah. I know, ma'am. We're very busy kids. What's on your mind? Well, I would like to have a catering concession for your wedding banquet
[00:10:33] Unknown:
because I'm saving the finest food and drink who money can buy. You know, for instance, just look at this bottle of genuine French champagne. That don't look like French champagne to me. Oh, tuk tuk tuk. That don't look champagne to him. There is the name right on the bottle here. Lukey Lager. What's that? Lukey Lager.
[00:10:56] Unknown:
Lukey Lager? Yeah. That's Lucky Lager. Lucky Lager. Some form, hockey it. Just a minute, Kessel. How much do you charge to put on these wedding banquets? Well, I don't like to disturb you, but I got two prices for banquets.
[00:11:18] Unknown:
$5 and $10. For $5, I throw in the dessert. And for $10? Oh, for $10, I carry it. Gentlemen, I have here a sample of my most delicious pizza. It is called policeman cookies. Policeman cookies? Yeah. Cupcakes.
[00:11:38] Unknown:
I suppose you also make affectionate pie. Affectionate pie? That's what it is. That's my line. Costello, look. Would you please cut it out? Kissela is just trying to make an honest living.
[00:11:58] Unknown:
That's right, gentlemen, because, you know, I got a very big family to ship for. Would you believe that right now I got living in my house, uncle Willie and Tilly and a little for name Billy, Terrence and Clarence and all my wife's parents, Louie and Fred. They sleep under the bed, Joe and Flo, and on the back porch there's no. Not to mention
[00:12:16] Unknown:
Bert, Martin, a two year old squirt, Annie and Fanny are sleeping with Granny, Mike and two tramps are doubling with Granny, and old Uncle Amy is sleeping with Baby. It's crowded in more. Come in. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I'm from the marriage license bureau. Mister Costello, do you understand the laws governing marriage? I do. And, mister Abbott, do you understand the marriage laws? I do. Very well, and I'll pronounce you man and wife. Five dollars for you. Hey. This is a fine business habit. I can't can't understand why we haven't got any customers coming in. I put an ad in the paper this morning. How did the ad read? I don't know. Fred, your mispron probably can tell you better than me.
Well, I'll tell you the ad. A gentleman with bottle of olives would like to meet a lady with a pint of gin. Object, martinis. Oh, you silly dope. Not martinis. Matrimony. Well, hello, fellas. How's the new matrimonial agent? Well, it's Ken Niles. Yeah. I just dropped over to bring you some business. I have a little niece at home, and she's dying to marry Lou Costello. Oh, why does everybody wanna marry me? Sometimes I wish I wasn't so young and beautiful. And Alright. Look. Look. Charming. Yeah. I know. Yeah. We know that. And petite? Yeah. That petite. French petite. Petite. Alright.
Look. In Irish petite. Well, let it go with that. I Not no more. Alright. Well, let it go. Look, Costello. Niall's idea sounds like a good proposition. Now has your niece got any money, Ken? Oh, yes. She inherited a very fat dowry from her mother. We don't care about our shit. Has she got any money? How dare you ask such a question, Costello. She is a Nile. I'll have you know we Niles are a proud lot. You Niles are a vacant lot today. Now now, Costello. Hey, look. Are you really serious, Ken, about your niece wanting to marry Costello? Oh, yes. I am. Just last night, my little niece was sitting on the floor playing with her toys, and she looked up at me and said, but, Lou, Costello is the sweetest boy, and I'd like to marry him. Oh, now isn't that cute? How old is she? 57. But, look, Ken, Costello doesn't wanna get married. But we'll be glad to find her husband for your niece. Oh, that's wonderful. But she's right out in the waiting room. Should I bring her in? You better wheel her in. Or, Poinciana.
Or, roll her in. Poinciana, will you step in here? Here she comes on the rug. She don't want very good. Maybe she needs a grease job.
[00:14:41] Unknown:
Quiet, Costello. How do you do, miss, Full name is Poinciana Pigeon hyphen Pigeon.
[00:14:48] Unknown:
What's the hyphen, Paul? That's for the pigeon to sit on. Miss Tidgeon, I'm sure that we can find you an ideal husband. Now, if you'll just leave a hundred dollars deposit and one of your pictures Oh, I'm afraid I haven't any pictures of myself. I did have some taken, but the photographer didn't develop the negative. He was probably afraid to go into the dark room with him alone. Don't pay any attention to Costello, miss Pigeon. Just sign the contract here and and let us have your check. Not so bad. Before I give you any money, you'll have to prove to me that your marriages are successful.
[00:15:21] Unknown:
I'd like to see a happily married couple. Who wouldn't?
[00:15:27] Unknown:
Yeah. Yeah. He's, he's just joking. You keep quiet, gentlemen. He's joking now. Mister, Pigeon, if you come to my house at 08:00 this evening, I will show you a happy family. Myself, my wife, and our little boy. Oh, this is all smelling. I'll be there at 08:00.
[00:15:43] Unknown:
Kevin,
[00:15:44] Unknown:
what did you tell that woman? You haven't got no little boy, Costello. We're going to put this deal over. Now I'm going to give your kid brother Sebastian fifty cents to pretend that he's my son. If you get Sebastian into this thing, you're asking for trouble, Abbott. He's a pretty nasty little brat. How dare you say that about your own brother? How dare me say that about my own brother? Yes. Because I'm gonna play full pot. Well, Abbott, I bring my little kid brother Sebastian over to play the part of your son.
[00:16:18] Unknown:
Yeah. But I ain't gonna do it.
[00:16:22] Unknown:
Sebastian, you do as you are told. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah. High score. Oh, now there there's miss Pigeon now. Sebastian, you answer the law, and I'll go in the kitchen and get missus Abbott.
[00:16:44] Unknown:
Well, please, little boy, I'm miss Pigeon. Hi, miss Pigeon. My voice. Hi, miss Pigeon. Pull up a punch and sit down. Put your feathers. Why, what a quaint little fellow. I just love little boys like you. I wish I had 14 little boys, and I wish every one of them were just like you. You want 14 kids just like me? Yes. Let me smell your breath. Oh, how cute. Now tell me, my little man, where are your father and mother? They're out in the kitchen. Passing time. Passing the time. Yeah. They're throwing o'clock at each other.
[00:17:19] Unknown:
Now now now now, Sebastian, behave yourself. Oh, good evening, miss Pigeon. I want you to meet my lovely little wife. Come in here, Snowflake.
[00:17:27] Unknown:
Coming, Katie. Hi. What a happy little family. Missus Abbott, you do your own cooking. Oh, yes. I'm just out the kitchen baking some biscuits. Buddy's just love them. Would you like to sink your teeth into another one, dear? No. He'd like to get his teeth out of the last one. Oh, dear. I don't know Sebastian. He's always joking. I'll kill that kid. Miss Dixon, who would you say for dinner? Here, let me take your coat. Oh, no. No. No. No. No. Snowflake, dear. That coat is too heavy for my itty bitty you. Let me take it, snowflake, dear. Oh, mister Abbott. You and your wife are such a lovely couple. I decided to let your matrimonial agency get me your husband. If you'll get me the pen and ink, I'll make out the chair. I'll get the pen and ink. Oh, no. No. No. No. Stuff late, darling.
[00:18:17] Unknown:
You get the pen, I'll carry the ink. I don't want you to tire your itty bitty army. I'll help too. I'll help too. I'll carry the blotter.
[00:18:26] Unknown:
We'll be right back. Oh my. I've never seen this difficult couple. You're a lucky little boy, Sebastian. You have such a wonderful father and mother. Are they all be this kind to each other? Oh, yes. Did you see the lovely, up sweet hairdo my mother was wearing? My daddy gave it to her. Now how could he give her an up sweet hairdo? He hit her on the heck with a broom. Oh, you're so great. And he's always buying her presents to my mother. Only this morning, he went downtown and bought her a beautiful present, a nice, new shotgun. Does your mother know your daddy bought her a shotgun? No. It's a surprise.
She don't even know she's gonna shoot her, because he's gonna shoot her.
[00:19:10] Unknown:
Somebody's gonna get shot. A shotgun?
[00:19:16] Unknown:
Oh my. He's going to shoot her. Oh, this is terrible. You people are nothing but idiots. I'm getting out of here.
[00:19:21] Unknown:
What happened, Sebastian? Where's miss Pigeon Pigeon? Pigeon Pigeon just threw the cuckoo. What did you say to her? I just told her I said The high voice. Oh, yes.
[00:19:32] Unknown:
I just
[00:19:34] Unknown:
told her to get the guy I told her to gag about the shotgun. Why give me two parts? Come here, Gustav. It's about time. It's about time to teach this kid brother of yours a lesson. He he just cost us a hundred dollars. Do you know that? I've talked to him. What up, boy? Now, Sebastian, I don't know why I have to speak to you all the time. Every time I get a chance to become a big business magnate, you always have to come up. That's what it says. You always have to gum up the worst. I'm sorry, Louie. Anybody would think the least you could do as the lender helping hand me your own brother. I'm sorry, Louie.
But instead, you continually hold up to ridicule and poke big blotches on my instruction. Don't stand there, Sebastian. Say something. Oh, I'm a bad boy. Fine.
It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chamba Casino. At chambacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com. No purchase necessary. VWO. Point prohibited by law. See terms and conditions. 18 plus. Hey, guys. It is Ryan. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I'm a bit of a fun fanatic when I can. I like to work, but I like fun too. It's a thing. And now the truth is out there. I can tell you about my favorite place to have fun, Chamba Casino. They have hundreds of social casino style games to choose from with new games released each week. You can play for free anytime, anywhere, and each day brings a new chance to collect daily bonuses. So join me in the fun. Sign up now at ChambaCasino.com.
No purchase necessary. DGW. Avoid by law. See terms and conditions, 18 plus. Hey,
[00:00:59] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. VWO. Hey, Costello. Where have you been? Yeah. Where have you been? Why are you all dressed up tonight? Oh, where? But I just canceled my cousin, Corporal Hugo, Costello's wedding. Oh, so your cousin Hugo finally got married. Yeah. Who did he marry? Who did he marry? Yeah. He married a woman. Yeah. Tell me. Of course he married a woman. Whoever heard of anybody? Marrying a man. My mother did. Oh, no. Talk then. Did your, cousin Hugo have a military, wedding? It must have been. Her father was carrying a gun. Well well, I hope Hugo will be very happy. I think he will, Abbott. Marriage is so romantic. So interesting.
His ration books, her ration books, lying side by side on the kitchen table? Yes. That is side by side. Side by side. Ration books. That is romantic. Ration books side by side. Yeah. That's the biggest hole I'm gonna drill right here. Alright. Wait a minute. I'll never see you. Hey. Wait a minute. No. Alright. No. Go. But by the way, who gave the ride away, Costello? Who gave the ride away? Well, let me see what case you want. Oh, never mind. Who gave who gave the ride away? What I said? Don't you know it's your own cousin? Nobody.
Nobody. No. I could've but I'd come out just Oh, no. No. No. No, Cutssel. I mean, who led her down the aisle? Nobody let her. She knew the way blindfolded. Look, Adele. If somebody had to lead her down the aisle to meet her spouse To meet her what? To meet her spouse. You go with the spouse. Are you lost now? No. No. No. No. No. No. I'm say in a spouse, her spouse Now just a minute. I got her. Just a minute. Hugo was her spouse. You can't call uncle Hugo a spouse. He never touches herself. No. No. I don't. Okay. Okay. Then we'll say Hugo was the groom. That's better. He was a groom before he got married too. Oh, now wait a minute. How could he be the groom before he got married? She took care of the general force. I the first debit. Okay. Never mind.
Look. How does the bride look, Artela? Was she wearing a corsage? Abbot, how can you ask me such a thing? I'm only a young boy. Oh, now love. I'm only asking you I'm only asking you if the bride wore a corsage. No. With her shape, she didn't need one. No. Look, Costello. You saw the bride, didn't you? Sure. Well, what kind of clothes did she wear? Oh, she had a beautiful torso. Torso? Yep. Every bride has to have a torso. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. You mean, Trusso? Did you, see her Trusso? He wasn't there. No. Who wasn't there? Radisson Trussa. No. No.
Listen, god. Tell them what you're looking like a kid. No. I'm not talking now. Let's not explain it to you. When the bride came into the church, did you notice her train? What train? She grew up in a secondhand clinic. Not a I am talking about the train on her dress. Now with every bridal dress, you get a train. What store is giving those away? I bought a suit once and got a baseball bat and a catcher's mitt, but I never got a train. No. No. Don't cut it. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Will you please listen? No. Yes. When the look. When the when the bride walked into the church now listen to me, please.
When the bride walked into the church, was she dragging anything behind her? Yeah. My cousin Hugo. I yeah. No. No. I'm talking about her dress. Did you see that long white piece of goods hanging from her dress? Oh, yeah. I saw that. Well, that was her train. That was her train? Yeah. I threw it over. That thing is torn up. You tore off her train? Yep. How does the bride look without a train? She looked like a late face with a loose caboose. Catelli, you're not fit to talk to an idiot. Okay. Then I'll have to write your note. Catelli, will you shut up? Catelli. Catelli. Shut up. Now I have a definite reason for wanting to know about this wedding. Now listen to me, please.
I'm still thinking about your $75 that we have in the bank. Yeah. Now we're going to make that money. Would you listen to me, please? Go ahead. Alright. Now we're gonna take that money. At you? Yes. We're gonna take that money and open a matrimonial agency. I'm gonna open up a matrimonial agency. That's what we're gonna do. Be responsible for sticking dice with mother in laws. Oh, what's wrong? Me. What's wrong with mother in laws? You know you know what a mother-in-law is? Yes. A mother-in-law is the gestapo with bloomers. Nostril. But, Nostril, think think what a wonderful thing it would be to bring people together. Why, marriage is a wonderful thing. Maybe. But I don't like the part where they throw the rice. They threw rice at my cousin Hugo today, and it's too messy. Oh, come come come. It's too messy. Rice isn't messy. It is messy when it's mixed with chop suey.
Hold on. Weddings are beautiful. Don't you like the old fashioned union? No. They itch me all over. No. Cut that out. Please. Your underwear doesn't fit our conversation. My under underwear will fit anything. My underwear will fit anything except me. Alright. Let me Where am I? I don't know where you're at. Godzilla, there's no use, Hogg. You know, I've I've made up your mind. Well, you what we do? Now look, Kim. We're gonna take your $75 and open a matrimonial agency. Now, look. You know we can make a fortune by uniting people in bonds of matrimony. Bonds of matrimony? Sure. Are they anything like war bonds? Oh, matrimony has nothing to do with war. That ain't the way I heard it.
And besides Abbott, where are we gonna get any customers? A guy has to be making a lot of money nowadays in order to get married. Oh, that's ridiculous. Do you know what I I was getting when I was married? I know what you was getting when you got married. Yeah. No. And I'll bet you didn't eat it. No. I I get out of here. Well, can't tell them. Well, here we are in our own office. Well, yeah. Here we are in our Hello, Ken. How are you? Ken? Come over here a minute, Ken. How you been? Well, you've got something to say to the folks, haven't you? I have nothing to say to the folks. You know? Why not tell the folks right from our office? Well, now I don't have any of you to say right here. Get away from the office. How are you doing at the office? How do you like the office, though? I like the office. This is our new matrimonial agency. Everything is laying around the office here. Yeah. Look, Kevin. What? Who painted our names on those office doors? I did. You did? You you see on my door, it says, Bud Abbott, senior partner. And your door, it says, Luke Costello Junior.
I don't like the way you spell Junior. What do you mean? J a n I t o r. Looks like I'm gonna clean up in this business. Come on, Costello. Answer the phone. It might be a reply to the matrimonial ad that I put in the papers this morning. Hello. Hello. Hello. Avenue Customs, matrimonial agency. If you furnish the money, we'll get you a honey. Say, do you think you could find me a wife? You see, I've gotta have a wife. I've got $2,000,000. I'll give the girl a million dollars, and I'll give you a million dollars for your fee. I mean, that was for me. Oh, boy. Come right over to the office. I can't come over. They won't let me out of here. But I'm alright, I tell you. I'm alright. Hey, Abbot. What paper did you put that ad in? The hardware journal. I thought so. One of the nuts just called up.
[00:08:03] Unknown:
I'm looking for a man. I've got to have a man. I must have an man. I tell you I must have a man. Lady, put me down. Just a minute, miss. What can we do for you? All my life, I've been the ideal man, and at last, I found you. I love this little fat boy. Oh, speak to me, my chubby little Romeo. Tell me that you love me. Speak to me. Speak to me. Why don't you say so?
[00:08:29] Unknown:
I think you're standing on my chest.
[00:08:36] Unknown:
Wonderful man. Take you out, my little fat boy, and say say that I am beautiful. Go ahead. Say it. I don't want. Please please say it. Say that I am beautiful.
[00:08:51] Unknown:
Okay. I am beautiful. And, love, man. I am in the city. Madam. We'll find a husband. Love, we'll find a husband if you'll just answer a few questions. Now have you ever been married before?
[00:09:03] Unknown:
Yes. I was happily married for fifteen years, but seven years ago my husband disappeared. I'm afraid the poor man is dead. Costello,
[00:09:10] Unknown:
just look at this poor woman. Yeah. Her husband is dead. I am looking at her. He isn't dead. He's fighting. Now get her out of here rabbit. Look, Cabot, please. What kind of a business did you get me into? First, the crazy crazy guy calls up, and then a dame tries to run away with me. I'm going back to my old racket raising pigs. Raising pigs? Yes, sir. I buy pigs in the fall for $2. I pack them up and sell them in the spring for $2. Wait a minute. You buy pigs in the fall for $2? Sure. You sell them in the spring for $2? Sure. You can't make any money that way. No. But I have the use of the pigs all winter. I uh-oh.
This is probably another customer coming. I I haven't sure got the yet running Diane Dandy. Well, it's our friend, Kissel. Oh, Kissel. Kissel,
[00:10:05] Unknown:
what brought you here? Well, I heard that you two kiddies were in the ceremonial business, so I left Chicago, and I came out here on a Greyhound.
[00:10:13] Unknown:
You came out here on a Greyhound? Yes. How did you ever stay on his back?
[00:10:18] Unknown:
I think I stay on his
[00:10:21] Unknown:
Alright. Alright. I know you don't like it. I like it. Yeah. I know, ma'am. We're very busy kids. What's on your mind? Well, I would like to have a catering concession for your wedding banquet
[00:10:33] Unknown:
because I'm saving the finest food and drink who money can buy. You know, for instance, just look at this bottle of genuine French champagne. That don't look like French champagne to me. Oh, tuk tuk tuk. That don't look champagne to him. There is the name right on the bottle here. Lukey Lager. What's that? Lukey Lager.
[00:10:56] Unknown:
Lukey Lager? Yeah. That's Lucky Lager. Lucky Lager. Some form, hockey it. Just a minute, Kessel. How much do you charge to put on these wedding banquets? Well, I don't like to disturb you, but I got two prices for banquets.
[00:11:18] Unknown:
$5 and $10. For $5, I throw in the dessert. And for $10? Oh, for $10, I carry it. Gentlemen, I have here a sample of my most delicious pizza. It is called policeman cookies. Policeman cookies? Yeah. Cupcakes.
[00:11:38] Unknown:
I suppose you also make affectionate pie. Affectionate pie? That's what it is. That's my line. Costello, look. Would you please cut it out? Kissela is just trying to make an honest living.
[00:11:58] Unknown:
That's right, gentlemen, because, you know, I got a very big family to ship for. Would you believe that right now I got living in my house, uncle Willie and Tilly and a little for name Billy, Terrence and Clarence and all my wife's parents, Louie and Fred. They sleep under the bed, Joe and Flo, and on the back porch there's no. Not to mention
[00:12:16] Unknown:
Bert, Martin, a two year old squirt, Annie and Fanny are sleeping with Granny, Mike and two tramps are doubling with Granny, and old Uncle Amy is sleeping with Baby. It's crowded in more. Come in. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I'm from the marriage license bureau. Mister Costello, do you understand the laws governing marriage? I do. And, mister Abbott, do you understand the marriage laws? I do. Very well, and I'll pronounce you man and wife. Five dollars for you. Hey. This is a fine business habit. I can't can't understand why we haven't got any customers coming in. I put an ad in the paper this morning. How did the ad read? I don't know. Fred, your mispron probably can tell you better than me.
Well, I'll tell you the ad. A gentleman with bottle of olives would like to meet a lady with a pint of gin. Object, martinis. Oh, you silly dope. Not martinis. Matrimony. Well, hello, fellas. How's the new matrimonial agent? Well, it's Ken Niles. Yeah. I just dropped over to bring you some business. I have a little niece at home, and she's dying to marry Lou Costello. Oh, why does everybody wanna marry me? Sometimes I wish I wasn't so young and beautiful. And Alright. Look. Look. Charming. Yeah. I know. Yeah. We know that. And petite? Yeah. That petite. French petite. Petite. Alright.
Look. In Irish petite. Well, let it go with that. I Not no more. Alright. Well, let it go. Look, Costello. Niall's idea sounds like a good proposition. Now has your niece got any money, Ken? Oh, yes. She inherited a very fat dowry from her mother. We don't care about our shit. Has she got any money? How dare you ask such a question, Costello. She is a Nile. I'll have you know we Niles are a proud lot. You Niles are a vacant lot today. Now now, Costello. Hey, look. Are you really serious, Ken, about your niece wanting to marry Costello? Oh, yes. I am. Just last night, my little niece was sitting on the floor playing with her toys, and she looked up at me and said, but, Lou, Costello is the sweetest boy, and I'd like to marry him. Oh, now isn't that cute? How old is she? 57. But, look, Ken, Costello doesn't wanna get married. But we'll be glad to find her husband for your niece. Oh, that's wonderful. But she's right out in the waiting room. Should I bring her in? You better wheel her in. Or, Poinciana.
Or, roll her in. Poinciana, will you step in here? Here she comes on the rug. She don't want very good. Maybe she needs a grease job.
[00:14:41] Unknown:
Quiet, Costello. How do you do, miss, Full name is Poinciana Pigeon hyphen Pigeon.
[00:14:48] Unknown:
What's the hyphen, Paul? That's for the pigeon to sit on. Miss Tidgeon, I'm sure that we can find you an ideal husband. Now, if you'll just leave a hundred dollars deposit and one of your pictures Oh, I'm afraid I haven't any pictures of myself. I did have some taken, but the photographer didn't develop the negative. He was probably afraid to go into the dark room with him alone. Don't pay any attention to Costello, miss Pigeon. Just sign the contract here and and let us have your check. Not so bad. Before I give you any money, you'll have to prove to me that your marriages are successful.
[00:15:21] Unknown:
I'd like to see a happily married couple. Who wouldn't?
[00:15:27] Unknown:
Yeah. Yeah. He's, he's just joking. You keep quiet, gentlemen. He's joking now. Mister, Pigeon, if you come to my house at 08:00 this evening, I will show you a happy family. Myself, my wife, and our little boy. Oh, this is all smelling. I'll be there at 08:00.
[00:15:43] Unknown:
Kevin,
[00:15:44] Unknown:
what did you tell that woman? You haven't got no little boy, Costello. We're going to put this deal over. Now I'm going to give your kid brother Sebastian fifty cents to pretend that he's my son. If you get Sebastian into this thing, you're asking for trouble, Abbott. He's a pretty nasty little brat. How dare you say that about your own brother? How dare me say that about my own brother? Yes. Because I'm gonna play full pot. Well, Abbott, I bring my little kid brother Sebastian over to play the part of your son.
[00:16:18] Unknown:
Yeah. But I ain't gonna do it.
[00:16:22] Unknown:
Sebastian, you do as you are told. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah. High score. Oh, now there there's miss Pigeon now. Sebastian, you answer the law, and I'll go in the kitchen and get missus Abbott.
[00:16:44] Unknown:
Well, please, little boy, I'm miss Pigeon. Hi, miss Pigeon. My voice. Hi, miss Pigeon. Pull up a punch and sit down. Put your feathers. Why, what a quaint little fellow. I just love little boys like you. I wish I had 14 little boys, and I wish every one of them were just like you. You want 14 kids just like me? Yes. Let me smell your breath. Oh, how cute. Now tell me, my little man, where are your father and mother? They're out in the kitchen. Passing time. Passing the time. Yeah. They're throwing o'clock at each other.
[00:17:19] Unknown:
Now now now now, Sebastian, behave yourself. Oh, good evening, miss Pigeon. I want you to meet my lovely little wife. Come in here, Snowflake.
[00:17:27] Unknown:
Coming, Katie. Hi. What a happy little family. Missus Abbott, you do your own cooking. Oh, yes. I'm just out the kitchen baking some biscuits. Buddy's just love them. Would you like to sink your teeth into another one, dear? No. He'd like to get his teeth out of the last one. Oh, dear. I don't know Sebastian. He's always joking. I'll kill that kid. Miss Dixon, who would you say for dinner? Here, let me take your coat. Oh, no. No. No. No. No. Snowflake, dear. That coat is too heavy for my itty bitty you. Let me take it, snowflake, dear. Oh, mister Abbott. You and your wife are such a lovely couple. I decided to let your matrimonial agency get me your husband. If you'll get me the pen and ink, I'll make out the chair. I'll get the pen and ink. Oh, no. No. No. No. Stuff late, darling.
[00:18:17] Unknown:
You get the pen, I'll carry the ink. I don't want you to tire your itty bitty army. I'll help too. I'll help too. I'll carry the blotter.
[00:18:26] Unknown:
We'll be right back. Oh my. I've never seen this difficult couple. You're a lucky little boy, Sebastian. You have such a wonderful father and mother. Are they all be this kind to each other? Oh, yes. Did you see the lovely, up sweet hairdo my mother was wearing? My daddy gave it to her. Now how could he give her an up sweet hairdo? He hit her on the heck with a broom. Oh, you're so great. And he's always buying her presents to my mother. Only this morning, he went downtown and bought her a beautiful present, a nice, new shotgun. Does your mother know your daddy bought her a shotgun? No. It's a surprise.
She don't even know she's gonna shoot her, because he's gonna shoot her.
[00:19:10] Unknown:
Somebody's gonna get shot. A shotgun?
[00:19:16] Unknown:
Oh my. He's going to shoot her. Oh, this is terrible. You people are nothing but idiots. I'm getting out of here.
[00:19:21] Unknown:
What happened, Sebastian? Where's miss Pigeon Pigeon? Pigeon Pigeon just threw the cuckoo. What did you say to her? I just told her I said The high voice. Oh, yes.
[00:19:32] Unknown:
I just
[00:19:34] Unknown:
told her to get the guy I told her to gag about the shotgun. Why give me two parts? Come here, Gustav. It's about time. It's about time to teach this kid brother of yours a lesson. He he just cost us a hundred dollars. Do you know that? I've talked to him. What up, boy? Now, Sebastian, I don't know why I have to speak to you all the time. Every time I get a chance to become a big business magnate, you always have to come up. That's what it says. You always have to gum up the worst. I'm sorry, Louie. Anybody would think the least you could do as the lender helping hand me your own brother. I'm sorry, Louie.
But instead, you continually hold up to ridicule and poke big blotches on my instruction. Don't stand there, Sebastian. Say something. Oh, I'm a bad boy. Fine.
