In this lively episode, Ryan kicks things off with a playful inquiry about how people celebrate their wins, whether it's with a fist pump, a "woo hoo," or a high five. He then introduces listeners to Chamba Casino, a platform offering a variety of social casino-style games with opportunities to win cash prizes. The conversation takes a humorous turn as Ryan shares anecdotes about unusual places people have gotten lucky, leading to a comedic exchange reminiscent of classic radio shows.
The episode continues with a hilarious skit featuring characters Castello and Abbott, who engage in witty banter about weddings, marriage, and social faux pas. The duo navigates through a series of comedic misunderstandings, from discussing hors d'oeuvres to the intricacies of matrimonial bureaus. The episode is filled with rapid-fire jokes, clever wordplay, and absurd scenarios, showcasing the timeless humor of classic comedy routines.
(01:12) Castello's Late Night Adventure
(02:18) The Wedding Mishaps
(07:00) Susan's Party Invitation
(09:07) The Matrimonial Bureau Idea
(15:31) Matty Melnick's Proposal
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[00:00:00]
Unknown:
It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chamba Casino. At chambacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:30] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. PGW, point where prohibited by law. See terms and conditions, 18 plus. Lucky Land Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line at the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never went in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com. Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Fully represented by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions plus. Website for details.
[00:01:12] Unknown:
Castello. Castello, what's the matter with you tonight? Jane Russell, just kiss me. Jane Russell, just kiss you? Well, this smoke ain't coming out of my ears for nothing. Well, never mind that, Castella. What time was it when you came in last night? It was a quarter of twelve. It so happens, Castella, that I looked at the clock and it was three. Twelve. So what about it? So, well, three is a quarter of
[00:01:34] Unknown:
twelve.
[00:01:39] Unknown:
Better me out. Did you have a good time at the party? Good time. Why, Abbott, they treated me like a king. One of one of those high class society affairs, you know, where they give you all tea and all tea. The little crackers and sardines. That's what they give you. Little crackers and sardines. They were hors d'oeuvres. Well, I should've they were what? They were hors d'oeuvres. How do you like that? They tasted just like sardines to me. Hastello, you're getting more stupid every day. I've tried and I've tried to improve your mind, but I just can't seem to get anywhere. Why don't you face it, Abbott, and admit that you're a fain? Skip it. Skip it? Yes.
Now wait a minute. What did you go to the party with? Susan Miller? Oh, no. Susan and I had a fight. Oh, well, you should be ashamed of yourself fighting with a lovely girl like Susan Miller. What what what started the fight? Well, Susan caught me cheating at cars. She catch you with an ace up your sleeve? No. With a queen on my lap. Costello. Look. Come here. Where have you been? Why are you all dressed up tonight? But I just came from my cousin Vincent's wedding. Oh, so your cousin Vincent finally got married. Who did he marry? Married a woman. Yeah. Dummy elf. Yeah. Of course he married a woman. Whoever heard of anybody marrying a man? My mother did. Talk sense, please. What kind of a wedding did he have? Must have been a military wedding. Military wedding. How do you know? Her father was carrying a shotgun.
Marriage is so romantic. Who gave the bride away, Costello? Nobody. Nobody. I could have, but I kept my mouth shut. Stop. Whoo. Slow down, Costello. Who who let her down the aisle? Nobody let her. She knew the way blindfolded. Look, Castellanos. Somebody had to lead her down the aisle to meet her spouse. To meet her what? Her spouse. Vincent is a spouse. Just a minute, Abby. You can't call Vincent a spouse. She never touches her stuff. Yep. Okay. Okay. Then we'll say that Vincent was a groom. That's better. He was a groom before he was married. How could he be a groom before he got married? He worked at a delivery stable. That's a horse on you. Oh, stupid.
How how'd the bride look, Costello? Was she wearing a corsade? Oh, well, but how can you ask me such a thing? I'm only a young boy. I'm only asking you if the bride wore a corsage. No. With her shape, she don't need one. Love, Costello. You saw the bride, didn't you? Of course, I saw the bride. And what kind of clothes did she wear? Oh, she had a beautiful torso. Torso? Every bride has gotta have a torso before she gets married. No. No. Gastel. You mean Truesseau. Did you see her, Truesseau? No. He wasn't there. Who wasn't there? Trusso. Robinson Trusso. Listen.
Well, listen, Castello. When the bride came into the church, did you notice her train? What train? She drove up in a secondhand jalopy. I'm talking about the train on her dress. With every bridal dress, you get a train. What store is giving those away? I bought a suit once and got a baseball bat and a catcher's mitt, but I never got a train. Mister, will you please listen? When the bride walked into the church, was the, was she dragging anything behind her? My cousin Vincent. I'm talking about her dress. Did you see that long white piece of goods hanging from her dress? Oh, yes, sir. I saw that. That was her train. Oh, I tripped over that thing and tore it off. Did you did you throw off a train? How does the bride look without a train? You look like a late freight with a loose caboose.
Catella, you're not fit to talk to an idiot. I'll write you a note. I well, your cousin Vincent is very lucky. A man doesn't know what real happiness is until he Until he gets married, Lou. Yes. And then it's too late. Yes. Yes, dummy. I'm very sentimental about marriage. How will I remember my marriage? I can remember I can remember when I turned to my wife and said those words. I do. You should remember those words. That was the last time you got a chance to open your mouth. That's ridiculous, Costello. My wife and I are very happy. Why, Betty and I are inseparable. Yes. You are. The last fight you had, it took four people to separate you.
Abbott, does it cost much to get married? No. No. They have different prices. Now the, preacher who married my wife and I, charged according to the beauty of the bride. The bride is very beautiful. He charged $10. If she was pretty, it was $5. If she was just, ordinary, he charged $2. How much did he give you? I Cassello, you've got the wrong slang on marriage. All brides are beautiful. If all brides are beautiful, where do all those ugly wives come from? Call for little Johnny. Call for little Johnny. Who are you? Philip Morris. I never can find that kid. You have a nephew, folks.
Look, Abbot. You're making enough money. Why don't you get the kid some dough and let him stay home, Costello? Norman is is very proud. He wouldn't take charity. He'd rather steal it. Certainly not. No. No. Look. Wait a minute, Lou. Are you trying to insinuate that he's a thief? Norman's a very brilliant boy. Last week, he saw a sign in the post office that said murderer wanted. He went in and applied for the job. Hello, boys. Well, hello, Susan. Look, Costello. It's Susan Miller. Susan Miller.
[00:07:00] Unknown:
Oh, Susan. Why didn't you show up for our date last night? Oh, I couldn't, Costello. We've had sickness in our house. The fireplace called virus sex. Now how could your fireplace catch virus sex? Why not? It's already got the flu. Get it? Fireplace.
[00:07:15] Unknown:
Same riders we got. Susan, you're getting so you get to sound more like Milton Berle's mother every day. Why don't you invite Costello to your party next Sunday afternoon? Oh, that's a good idea. Costello, you can be Cupid. Wear three cornered pants and carry a bow and arrow. Oh, Susan. I couldn't do that. Why not? Oh, how it would look for a guy my age to be carrying a bow and arrow? I'm going I'm going to the party, Costello. I'm going as simple Al. Oh, don't you mean simple Simon? Abbot's so simple he can't spell Simon. Oh, you shouldn't talk that way about Abbot. He's very romantic, and he's quite a hand with the ladies at a party. Oh, no. He ain't. He's too slow. We went to a party last Saturday. Before Abbot got around asking the girl for a kiss, I already had my face slapped three times.
Well, you see, Costello, now if you were married, things like that wouldn't happen to Susan. Susan's right, Costello. Marriage keeps a man out of trouble. Yeah. Keeps him out of trouble. He wouldn't have gotten in if he hadn't got married. Oh, now what don't you like about marriage? The part where they throw away the rice. That part I don't like where they throw the rice. And my cousin's wedding today, they threw rice at Vincent and it's too messy. Rice isn't messy. It is when they mix it with chop
[00:08:30] Unknown:
suey. Well, I gotta go now. I'll see you at the party. Susan, I'll be over real early and I'll help you stuff the turkey. Oh, no. You don't. You stuffed the turkey the last party. You stuffed it with taffy. Stuff the turkey with taffy? What happened? Well, while all the other people were trying to get their teeth unstuck, Costello ate all the white meat.
[00:08:48] Unknown:
Well, come on, Fatso. You know, Abbot, there goes a nice girl. Really. Well, come on, Fatso. You know, Abba, there goes a nice girl. Really. That's, that's the dream, man. Very nice girl. You know, Susan said that she'd marry me if it wasn't for my sentimentality. Sentimentality. Yeah. She knows I haven't got a sentence. She's not so sure about my mentality. Susan would marry you all right, Costello, if you were in business and making money, you know. Oh, Abbott, what kind of business could I go in? Well, it's sleepier and it's spring. You know, I think we could make a fortune if we open a metrimonial bureau. There's a lot of money arranging weddings, sir, people. Not me, Abbot. I'm not gonna be responsible for sticking guys with mother in laws.
What's wrong with mother in laws? You don't even know what a mother-in-law is. A mother-in-law is the FBI and bloomers. Well, if he's to see, you know nothing about matrimonial bureau. Well, I do too. Last summer, I worked in the matrimonial bureau. I was in the travel department. I arranged place for happy couples to go on their honeymoon. You did? And I only made one mistake. A couple wanted to go to Niagara Falls, and I sent them to Atlantic City. Were they angry? They will be if they ever find out. Well, Betty, darling, it's my wife, Costello.
Betty, Costello and I are thinking of opening a matrimonial bureau. Oh, I think that's wonderful. Oh, marriage is such a wonderful thing. I owe everything I am to my husband, Buddy. Why don't you give him a 2¢ a square to your account? Oh. Oh. Buddy, why don't you defend me? Sometimes I think the only reason you married me was because my uncle Harry left me a million dollars. That's a lie, Mrs. Abbott. Thanks, Costello. He would have married you regardless of who left you the money. Pay no attention, I'm betting. You know, you are even more lovely than the day I married you. Look at you standing there. Your slim figure, your shortcut hair, and those plumed slacks.
She doesn't look like the mother of two children, does she, Costello? No. Dang. You look like the father. Costello, I'll have you know that my wife still wears a size six. Isn't that a pretty big shoe for a woman?
[00:11:11] Unknown:
Oh. Why you bloated blubber
[00:11:14] Unknown:
head? You're built like a tub. You ought to wear a girdle.
[00:11:18] Unknown:
I tried that once. I wore a girdle and it made my stomach disappear. Really? Yes. It sneaked around to the back and popped up under an assumed name. Why don't you cut that out, Costello? Why don't you act nice? Why don't you invite Betty and I over to your house tonight for dinner? I'm sorry, Abbot. I'm having my brother for dinner. Oh, you're lucky. We can't get any pork. Betty, Betty, Betty, Betty, Betty. Betty. Betty, you certainly sneak that one in on them. Oh, you're always sneaking them in on them. No. You're always sneaking them on them. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard from a pair of old sneakers. Pastela, look, if we were at business, you wouldn't have time to go around in selling people. We ought to open that matrimonial.
You put up the money, and I'll open up the office. Oh, no. You don't. Alright. I figured that. I'll open the office, and you put up the money. Well, that's better. Alright. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. That's the same thing. Well, I've got the place, the office all picked out. All I want you to do is to go around and grab some customers that want to get married. Okay. I'll grab Jane Russell. But you can grab Jane Russell. Jane Russell is already married. You grab what you like, and I'll grab what I like. Tell me. Tell me, tell me, tell me, how's it feel to be in business? Here we are in our own office, the Abbott and Castello matrimonial bureau. Now remember, we want to try and get my, my oldest sister married as soon as possible.
There there's her picture. That's her picture? Yeah. But she's got red curly hair. What's wrong with that? Lots of girls have red curly hair. Rolling out of their ears. Answer that, Costello. That may be a custom.
[00:13:02] Unknown:
Abbott and Costello, the metrimonial agency. Be brief. I just dropped my penny on the pay phone.
[00:13:07] Unknown:
Penny? You're supposed to drop in a nickel on the phone. Well, I'm calling from a taxi drugstore.
[00:13:13] Unknown:
What can I do for you? Well, I've got to have a wife. I've simply got to have a wife. I've got $2,000,000. If you get me a wife, I'll give her a million dollars, and I'll give you a million for your fee. A million dollars for me? Come over right away to the office right away. For my cash, that won't let me out. I'm alright, I tell you. I'm alright.
[00:13:42] Unknown:
Ladies and gentlemen, to Mr. Harry Brown goes the Oscar for the show tonight. Hey, Abbot. What paper did you put our ad in? The hardware journal. I thought so. One of the nuts just called up. Abbot and Costello Metromolar Agency. What kind of girls have we got? We got girls in frills and girls in laces, arsenic and old faces, girls who sing and girls who dance yet, girls who never had a chance yet, big girls, tall girls, everyone's spectacular, short girls, tall girls, and avid sister who looks like Dracula. I think I'd love Harry Brown a whole second.
How do you do, gentlemen? I'm from the marriage license bureau. I understand you two are running a matrimonial bureau. Mister Costello, do you understand the laws governing marriage? I do. And, mister Abbott, do you understand the laws governing marriage? I do. And I'll pronounce you man and wife. That's a $5
[00:14:39] Unknown:
fee.
[00:14:40] Unknown:
This is a fine business you got me and Abbott. I can't understand why we ain't got no customers coming in. I put a ad in the Volley Times this morning. How did the ad read? It says man with bottle of gin would like to meet lady with bottle of olives. Object, martinis. Not martinis, retrimony. Abbott, maybe we could find a husband for my cousin, Mary Faso. She had a very tragic life. Her first husband was hanged. Her second husband was hanged. Her third husband was hanged. And her fourth husband was hanged. And she wants to get married again? Yeah. She's just getting the hang of it. Abbot, maybe we could find a wife for me. Well, what kind of a girl would you want? She must have gorgeous blonde hair, a lovely figure, and a beautiful face, and a million dollars. And a girl with all that would have to be nuts to marry you. And she can be nuts too.
[00:15:31] Unknown:
Hiya, fellas. How's the new matrimonial agent? Well, it's our bandleader,
[00:15:35] Unknown:
Matty Melnick.
[00:15:41] Unknown:
Well, I just dropped over to bring you some business. I have a little niece at home who's dined in Maricastello.
[00:15:46] Unknown:
Why does every girl want to marry me? Sometimes I wish I wasn't so young and beautiful and coy and charming, soft debonair and soft petite. Wait a minute, Gastel. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just hold on a minute. Hold on a minute. I'll go flying in there. Matty's idea sounds like a good proposition. By the way, has your niece got any money, Matty? Oh, sure. She inherited a very fat dowry from her mother. We don't care about her figure. Has she got any money?
[00:16:13] Unknown:
How dare you ask such a question, Costello? She is a malnock. I'll have you know that we malnicks are a proud lot. You malnichs are a vacant lot. Now, Costello. Take it easy. Are you really serious, Manny, about your niece wanting to marry Costello? Yes. I am. Last night, my little niece was sitting on the floor playing with her toys and she looked up at me and said, that Lou Costello was the sweetest boy and I'd like to marry him. Oh, now isn't that cute?
[00:16:44] Unknown:
How old is she? 57. Look Manny, Kosta doesn't want to get married, but we'll be glad to find a husband for your niece. That's wonderful Butch. She's right out in your waiting room. Shall I bring her in? You better wheel her in.
[00:16:59] Unknown:
Pointeceana. Will you step in here?
[00:17:05] Unknown:
Here she comes on the run. She doesn't run very good. Maybe she needs a grease job. Go ahead, Crustilla. How do you, how do you do miss,
[00:17:14] Unknown:
My full name is Poinciana Pigeon hyphen Pigeon.
[00:17:17] Unknown:
What's what's the hyphen for? That's for the pigeon to sit down. Miss Pigeon, I'm sure that we can find you an ideal husband. Now, if you'll just leave a hundred dollars deposit and,
[00:17:29] Unknown:
cost one of your pictures. Oh, I'm afraid I haven't any pictures of myself. I did have some taken, but the photographer,
[00:17:36] Unknown:
didn't develop the negative. He was probably afraid to go in a dark room with them alone.
[00:17:43] Unknown:
Miss Pigeon, have you ever been married before? Yes. My first husband snored, so I got a divorce. Now he pays me $500
[00:17:51] Unknown:
a week alimony. Just because he snores? Yes. That guy's really paying through the nose.
[00:17:58] Unknown:
Are you going steady with, anyone right now? Yes, I am. But he's a businessman and he's always away on trips. Now, Mr. Costello, what would you do if you were in my place? Oh, I don't know. Let's go over to your place and find out.
[00:18:12] Unknown:
Why, Costello?
[00:18:15] Unknown:
Miss Pigeon, are you planning on marrying this man? I don't think so. I've got to hunch that he's growing tired of me. What makes you think that? He hasn't been to see me in over ten years.
[00:18:26] Unknown:
Your troubles are over, miss Pigeon. We'll find you a husband. Oh. Just, just give us your check for a thousand dollars for our fee and sign this contract. Oh, what contract? Now I can't see for good. Broke my glasses before I left the house this morning. Well, how could you see to find your way to this office? You must have come in on the rims. Quiet, Crystal Acorn. This woman is a customer. Let me handle her. And now, miss Pigeon, if you come to my house, 08:00 this evening, we'll say, I'll show you a happy family. Myself, my wife, and our little boy. Oh, this is so thrilling. I'll be there at 08:00. Abbott, why did you tell that woman you had a little boy? You having a little boy? Well, Costello, we've gotta put this deal over. I'll have a little boy by 08:00 tonight. Don't worry. Abbott, now I'm convinced that does does everything.
[00:19:24] Unknown:
Buddy, this is a ridiculous scheme. Even with short pants and bobby socks, Costello doesn't look like a five year old boy. I don't? No. You look like a three year old moron.
[00:19:36] Unknown:
Now remember, Costello, I'm gonna call you Junior, and you're supposed to be a schoolboy. I am a schoolboy, Abbot. For twenty years, I've been going to school studying reading, writing, and arithmetic, and my mother is proud to say that I am the only schoolboy that can't read, can't write, and can't count. Why is she proud? No other mother can make that statement. Uh-oh. Now there's miss Pidger now. Remember remember, Costelli, you're our son, Junior. Now you answer the door, and and missus Abbott and I will go into the kitchen.
[00:20:05] Unknown:
Good evening, little boy. Hi, miss Pigeon.
[00:20:08] Unknown:
Hello, miss Pigeon? I'm Junior. Pull up a clothesline and shut down. Spread your feathers. Oh, no.
[00:20:23] Unknown:
What a quaintest fellow. Just love little boys like you. I wish I had 14 little boys, and I wish they were all just like you.
[00:20:33] Unknown:
You want 14 little boys just like me? Yeah. Let me smell your breath.
[00:20:40] Unknown:
Oh, my. How cute. Now tell me, little man, where are your father and mother? They're out in the kitchen passing the time.
[00:20:49] Unknown:
Passing the time? They're throwing the clock at each other.
[00:20:55] Unknown:
You mean
[00:20:56] Unknown:
they fight? You should've had a mess today. My mother was trying to stuff something in the incinerator, and she had a awful struggle, but she couldn't do it. But why didn't your father help her? He's what she was trying to stuff in her incinerator.
[00:21:12] Unknown:
Well, quite a kid,
[00:21:15] Unknown:
And mister Abbott told me that they were such a happily, gnarly couple. Oh, but tell me, little man, Is that missus Abbott? I I mean, your mother's picture over there in the mantle?
[00:21:26] Unknown:
Uh-huh. That's her.
[00:21:28] Unknown:
My. That's a lovely, up sweet hairdo.
[00:21:31] Unknown:
My father gave her that.
[00:21:34] Unknown:
Now how could your father give her an up sweet hairdo? He hid him over the head with a broom. Very interesting. Tell me, is mister Rabbit I mean your father good to your mother?
[00:21:47] Unknown:
Oh, sure. He's always buying her presents. Only this morning, he bought my mom a beautiful present, a nice new carving knife. Oh, does your mother know he bought her the carving knife? Oh, no. She don't even know he's gonna cut her throat.
[00:22:04] Unknown:
Oh, thank you, young man. You've saved me a thousand dollars. Goodbye.
[00:22:09] Unknown:
Well, come on. Well, what happened? What happened? Wait. Wait. Where's miss Pigeon Pigeon? Pigeon Pigeon just flew the coop coop. Costello, didn't you tell her that we were a very happy family? I couldn't have it. I told her the truth. Costello, why do you do these things? Every time I have a chance to swindle somebody out of money, you always gum up the works. Why? Why do you continually do these things to me?
[00:22:39] Unknown:
Boy?
It is Ryan here, and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper, a woo hooer, a hand clapper, a high fiver? I kinda like the high five, but if you wanna hone in on those winning moves, check out Chamba Casino. At chambacasino.com, choose from hundreds of social casino style games for your chance to redeem serious cash prizes. There are new game releases weekly plus free daily bonuses, so don't wait. Start having the most fun ever at chumbacasino.com.
[00:00:30] Unknown:
No purchase necessary. PGW, point where prohibited by law. See terms and conditions, 18 plus. Lucky Land Casino asking people what's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky. Lucky? In line at the deli, I guess? In my dentist's office. More than once, actually. Do I have to say? Yes. You do. In the car before my kids' PTA meeting. Really? Yes. Excuse me. What's the weirdest place you've gotten lucky? I never went in town. Well, there you have it. You could get lucky anywhere playing at luckylandslots.com. Play for free right now. Are you feeling lucky? No purchase necessary. Fully represented by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions plus. Website for details.
[00:01:12] Unknown:
Castello. Castello, what's the matter with you tonight? Jane Russell, just kiss me. Jane Russell, just kiss you? Well, this smoke ain't coming out of my ears for nothing. Well, never mind that, Castella. What time was it when you came in last night? It was a quarter of twelve. It so happens, Castella, that I looked at the clock and it was three. Twelve. So what about it? So, well, three is a quarter of
[00:01:34] Unknown:
twelve.
[00:01:39] Unknown:
Better me out. Did you have a good time at the party? Good time. Why, Abbott, they treated me like a king. One of one of those high class society affairs, you know, where they give you all tea and all tea. The little crackers and sardines. That's what they give you. Little crackers and sardines. They were hors d'oeuvres. Well, I should've they were what? They were hors d'oeuvres. How do you like that? They tasted just like sardines to me. Hastello, you're getting more stupid every day. I've tried and I've tried to improve your mind, but I just can't seem to get anywhere. Why don't you face it, Abbott, and admit that you're a fain? Skip it. Skip it? Yes.
Now wait a minute. What did you go to the party with? Susan Miller? Oh, no. Susan and I had a fight. Oh, well, you should be ashamed of yourself fighting with a lovely girl like Susan Miller. What what what started the fight? Well, Susan caught me cheating at cars. She catch you with an ace up your sleeve? No. With a queen on my lap. Costello. Look. Come here. Where have you been? Why are you all dressed up tonight? But I just came from my cousin Vincent's wedding. Oh, so your cousin Vincent finally got married. Who did he marry? Married a woman. Yeah. Dummy elf. Yeah. Of course he married a woman. Whoever heard of anybody marrying a man? My mother did. Talk sense, please. What kind of a wedding did he have? Must have been a military wedding. Military wedding. How do you know? Her father was carrying a shotgun.
Marriage is so romantic. Who gave the bride away, Costello? Nobody. Nobody. I could have, but I kept my mouth shut. Stop. Whoo. Slow down, Costello. Who who let her down the aisle? Nobody let her. She knew the way blindfolded. Look, Castellanos. Somebody had to lead her down the aisle to meet her spouse. To meet her what? Her spouse. Vincent is a spouse. Just a minute, Abby. You can't call Vincent a spouse. She never touches her stuff. Yep. Okay. Okay. Then we'll say that Vincent was a groom. That's better. He was a groom before he was married. How could he be a groom before he got married? He worked at a delivery stable. That's a horse on you. Oh, stupid.
How how'd the bride look, Costello? Was she wearing a corsade? Oh, well, but how can you ask me such a thing? I'm only a young boy. I'm only asking you if the bride wore a corsage. No. With her shape, she don't need one. Love, Costello. You saw the bride, didn't you? Of course, I saw the bride. And what kind of clothes did she wear? Oh, she had a beautiful torso. Torso? Every bride has gotta have a torso before she gets married. No. No. Gastel. You mean Truesseau. Did you see her, Truesseau? No. He wasn't there. Who wasn't there? Trusso. Robinson Trusso. Listen.
Well, listen, Castello. When the bride came into the church, did you notice her train? What train? She drove up in a secondhand jalopy. I'm talking about the train on her dress. With every bridal dress, you get a train. What store is giving those away? I bought a suit once and got a baseball bat and a catcher's mitt, but I never got a train. Mister, will you please listen? When the bride walked into the church, was the, was she dragging anything behind her? My cousin Vincent. I'm talking about her dress. Did you see that long white piece of goods hanging from her dress? Oh, yes, sir. I saw that. That was her train. Oh, I tripped over that thing and tore it off. Did you did you throw off a train? How does the bride look without a train? You look like a late freight with a loose caboose.
Catella, you're not fit to talk to an idiot. I'll write you a note. I well, your cousin Vincent is very lucky. A man doesn't know what real happiness is until he Until he gets married, Lou. Yes. And then it's too late. Yes. Yes, dummy. I'm very sentimental about marriage. How will I remember my marriage? I can remember I can remember when I turned to my wife and said those words. I do. You should remember those words. That was the last time you got a chance to open your mouth. That's ridiculous, Costello. My wife and I are very happy. Why, Betty and I are inseparable. Yes. You are. The last fight you had, it took four people to separate you.
Abbott, does it cost much to get married? No. No. They have different prices. Now the, preacher who married my wife and I, charged according to the beauty of the bride. The bride is very beautiful. He charged $10. If she was pretty, it was $5. If she was just, ordinary, he charged $2. How much did he give you? I Cassello, you've got the wrong slang on marriage. All brides are beautiful. If all brides are beautiful, where do all those ugly wives come from? Call for little Johnny. Call for little Johnny. Who are you? Philip Morris. I never can find that kid. You have a nephew, folks.
Look, Abbot. You're making enough money. Why don't you get the kid some dough and let him stay home, Costello? Norman is is very proud. He wouldn't take charity. He'd rather steal it. Certainly not. No. No. Look. Wait a minute, Lou. Are you trying to insinuate that he's a thief? Norman's a very brilliant boy. Last week, he saw a sign in the post office that said murderer wanted. He went in and applied for the job. Hello, boys. Well, hello, Susan. Look, Costello. It's Susan Miller. Susan Miller.
[00:07:00] Unknown:
Oh, Susan. Why didn't you show up for our date last night? Oh, I couldn't, Costello. We've had sickness in our house. The fireplace called virus sex. Now how could your fireplace catch virus sex? Why not? It's already got the flu. Get it? Fireplace.
[00:07:15] Unknown:
Same riders we got. Susan, you're getting so you get to sound more like Milton Berle's mother every day. Why don't you invite Costello to your party next Sunday afternoon? Oh, that's a good idea. Costello, you can be Cupid. Wear three cornered pants and carry a bow and arrow. Oh, Susan. I couldn't do that. Why not? Oh, how it would look for a guy my age to be carrying a bow and arrow? I'm going I'm going to the party, Costello. I'm going as simple Al. Oh, don't you mean simple Simon? Abbot's so simple he can't spell Simon. Oh, you shouldn't talk that way about Abbot. He's very romantic, and he's quite a hand with the ladies at a party. Oh, no. He ain't. He's too slow. We went to a party last Saturday. Before Abbot got around asking the girl for a kiss, I already had my face slapped three times.
Well, you see, Costello, now if you were married, things like that wouldn't happen to Susan. Susan's right, Costello. Marriage keeps a man out of trouble. Yeah. Keeps him out of trouble. He wouldn't have gotten in if he hadn't got married. Oh, now what don't you like about marriage? The part where they throw away the rice. That part I don't like where they throw the rice. And my cousin's wedding today, they threw rice at Vincent and it's too messy. Rice isn't messy. It is when they mix it with chop
[00:08:30] Unknown:
suey. Well, I gotta go now. I'll see you at the party. Susan, I'll be over real early and I'll help you stuff the turkey. Oh, no. You don't. You stuffed the turkey the last party. You stuffed it with taffy. Stuff the turkey with taffy? What happened? Well, while all the other people were trying to get their teeth unstuck, Costello ate all the white meat.
[00:08:48] Unknown:
Well, come on, Fatso. You know, Abbot, there goes a nice girl. Really. Well, come on, Fatso. You know, Abba, there goes a nice girl. Really. That's, that's the dream, man. Very nice girl. You know, Susan said that she'd marry me if it wasn't for my sentimentality. Sentimentality. Yeah. She knows I haven't got a sentence. She's not so sure about my mentality. Susan would marry you all right, Costello, if you were in business and making money, you know. Oh, Abbott, what kind of business could I go in? Well, it's sleepier and it's spring. You know, I think we could make a fortune if we open a metrimonial bureau. There's a lot of money arranging weddings, sir, people. Not me, Abbot. I'm not gonna be responsible for sticking guys with mother in laws.
What's wrong with mother in laws? You don't even know what a mother-in-law is. A mother-in-law is the FBI and bloomers. Well, if he's to see, you know nothing about matrimonial bureau. Well, I do too. Last summer, I worked in the matrimonial bureau. I was in the travel department. I arranged place for happy couples to go on their honeymoon. You did? And I only made one mistake. A couple wanted to go to Niagara Falls, and I sent them to Atlantic City. Were they angry? They will be if they ever find out. Well, Betty, darling, it's my wife, Costello.
Betty, Costello and I are thinking of opening a matrimonial bureau. Oh, I think that's wonderful. Oh, marriage is such a wonderful thing. I owe everything I am to my husband, Buddy. Why don't you give him a 2¢ a square to your account? Oh. Oh. Buddy, why don't you defend me? Sometimes I think the only reason you married me was because my uncle Harry left me a million dollars. That's a lie, Mrs. Abbott. Thanks, Costello. He would have married you regardless of who left you the money. Pay no attention, I'm betting. You know, you are even more lovely than the day I married you. Look at you standing there. Your slim figure, your shortcut hair, and those plumed slacks.
She doesn't look like the mother of two children, does she, Costello? No. Dang. You look like the father. Costello, I'll have you know that my wife still wears a size six. Isn't that a pretty big shoe for a woman?
[00:11:11] Unknown:
Oh. Why you bloated blubber
[00:11:14] Unknown:
head? You're built like a tub. You ought to wear a girdle.
[00:11:18] Unknown:
I tried that once. I wore a girdle and it made my stomach disappear. Really? Yes. It sneaked around to the back and popped up under an assumed name. Why don't you cut that out, Costello? Why don't you act nice? Why don't you invite Betty and I over to your house tonight for dinner? I'm sorry, Abbot. I'm having my brother for dinner. Oh, you're lucky. We can't get any pork. Betty, Betty, Betty, Betty, Betty. Betty. Betty, you certainly sneak that one in on them. Oh, you're always sneaking them in on them. No. You're always sneaking them on them. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard from a pair of old sneakers. Pastela, look, if we were at business, you wouldn't have time to go around in selling people. We ought to open that matrimonial.
You put up the money, and I'll open up the office. Oh, no. You don't. Alright. I figured that. I'll open the office, and you put up the money. Well, that's better. Alright. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. That's the same thing. Well, I've got the place, the office all picked out. All I want you to do is to go around and grab some customers that want to get married. Okay. I'll grab Jane Russell. But you can grab Jane Russell. Jane Russell is already married. You grab what you like, and I'll grab what I like. Tell me. Tell me, tell me, tell me, how's it feel to be in business? Here we are in our own office, the Abbott and Castello matrimonial bureau. Now remember, we want to try and get my, my oldest sister married as soon as possible.
There there's her picture. That's her picture? Yeah. But she's got red curly hair. What's wrong with that? Lots of girls have red curly hair. Rolling out of their ears. Answer that, Costello. That may be a custom.
[00:13:02] Unknown:
Abbott and Costello, the metrimonial agency. Be brief. I just dropped my penny on the pay phone.
[00:13:07] Unknown:
Penny? You're supposed to drop in a nickel on the phone. Well, I'm calling from a taxi drugstore.
[00:13:13] Unknown:
What can I do for you? Well, I've got to have a wife. I've simply got to have a wife. I've got $2,000,000. If you get me a wife, I'll give her a million dollars, and I'll give you a million for your fee. A million dollars for me? Come over right away to the office right away. For my cash, that won't let me out. I'm alright, I tell you. I'm alright.
[00:13:42] Unknown:
Ladies and gentlemen, to Mr. Harry Brown goes the Oscar for the show tonight. Hey, Abbot. What paper did you put our ad in? The hardware journal. I thought so. One of the nuts just called up. Abbot and Costello Metromolar Agency. What kind of girls have we got? We got girls in frills and girls in laces, arsenic and old faces, girls who sing and girls who dance yet, girls who never had a chance yet, big girls, tall girls, everyone's spectacular, short girls, tall girls, and avid sister who looks like Dracula. I think I'd love Harry Brown a whole second.
How do you do, gentlemen? I'm from the marriage license bureau. I understand you two are running a matrimonial bureau. Mister Costello, do you understand the laws governing marriage? I do. And, mister Abbott, do you understand the laws governing marriage? I do. And I'll pronounce you man and wife. That's a $5
[00:14:39] Unknown:
fee.
[00:14:40] Unknown:
This is a fine business you got me and Abbott. I can't understand why we ain't got no customers coming in. I put a ad in the Volley Times this morning. How did the ad read? It says man with bottle of gin would like to meet lady with bottle of olives. Object, martinis. Not martinis, retrimony. Abbott, maybe we could find a husband for my cousin, Mary Faso. She had a very tragic life. Her first husband was hanged. Her second husband was hanged. Her third husband was hanged. And her fourth husband was hanged. And she wants to get married again? Yeah. She's just getting the hang of it. Abbot, maybe we could find a wife for me. Well, what kind of a girl would you want? She must have gorgeous blonde hair, a lovely figure, and a beautiful face, and a million dollars. And a girl with all that would have to be nuts to marry you. And she can be nuts too.
[00:15:31] Unknown:
Hiya, fellas. How's the new matrimonial agent? Well, it's our bandleader,
[00:15:35] Unknown:
Matty Melnick.
[00:15:41] Unknown:
Well, I just dropped over to bring you some business. I have a little niece at home who's dined in Maricastello.
[00:15:46] Unknown:
Why does every girl want to marry me? Sometimes I wish I wasn't so young and beautiful and coy and charming, soft debonair and soft petite. Wait a minute, Gastel. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just hold on a minute. Hold on a minute. I'll go flying in there. Matty's idea sounds like a good proposition. By the way, has your niece got any money, Matty? Oh, sure. She inherited a very fat dowry from her mother. We don't care about her figure. Has she got any money?
[00:16:13] Unknown:
How dare you ask such a question, Costello? She is a malnock. I'll have you know that we malnicks are a proud lot. You malnichs are a vacant lot. Now, Costello. Take it easy. Are you really serious, Manny, about your niece wanting to marry Costello? Yes. I am. Last night, my little niece was sitting on the floor playing with her toys and she looked up at me and said, that Lou Costello was the sweetest boy and I'd like to marry him. Oh, now isn't that cute?
[00:16:44] Unknown:
How old is she? 57. Look Manny, Kosta doesn't want to get married, but we'll be glad to find a husband for your niece. That's wonderful Butch. She's right out in your waiting room. Shall I bring her in? You better wheel her in.
[00:16:59] Unknown:
Pointeceana. Will you step in here?
[00:17:05] Unknown:
Here she comes on the run. She doesn't run very good. Maybe she needs a grease job. Go ahead, Crustilla. How do you, how do you do miss,
[00:17:14] Unknown:
My full name is Poinciana Pigeon hyphen Pigeon.
[00:17:17] Unknown:
What's what's the hyphen for? That's for the pigeon to sit down. Miss Pigeon, I'm sure that we can find you an ideal husband. Now, if you'll just leave a hundred dollars deposit and,
[00:17:29] Unknown:
cost one of your pictures. Oh, I'm afraid I haven't any pictures of myself. I did have some taken, but the photographer,
[00:17:36] Unknown:
didn't develop the negative. He was probably afraid to go in a dark room with them alone.
[00:17:43] Unknown:
Miss Pigeon, have you ever been married before? Yes. My first husband snored, so I got a divorce. Now he pays me $500
[00:17:51] Unknown:
a week alimony. Just because he snores? Yes. That guy's really paying through the nose.
[00:17:58] Unknown:
Are you going steady with, anyone right now? Yes, I am. But he's a businessman and he's always away on trips. Now, Mr. Costello, what would you do if you were in my place? Oh, I don't know. Let's go over to your place and find out.
[00:18:12] Unknown:
Why, Costello?
[00:18:15] Unknown:
Miss Pigeon, are you planning on marrying this man? I don't think so. I've got to hunch that he's growing tired of me. What makes you think that? He hasn't been to see me in over ten years.
[00:18:26] Unknown:
Your troubles are over, miss Pigeon. We'll find you a husband. Oh. Just, just give us your check for a thousand dollars for our fee and sign this contract. Oh, what contract? Now I can't see for good. Broke my glasses before I left the house this morning. Well, how could you see to find your way to this office? You must have come in on the rims. Quiet, Crystal Acorn. This woman is a customer. Let me handle her. And now, miss Pigeon, if you come to my house, 08:00 this evening, we'll say, I'll show you a happy family. Myself, my wife, and our little boy. Oh, this is so thrilling. I'll be there at 08:00. Abbott, why did you tell that woman you had a little boy? You having a little boy? Well, Costello, we've gotta put this deal over. I'll have a little boy by 08:00 tonight. Don't worry. Abbott, now I'm convinced that does does everything.
[00:19:24] Unknown:
Buddy, this is a ridiculous scheme. Even with short pants and bobby socks, Costello doesn't look like a five year old boy. I don't? No. You look like a three year old moron.
[00:19:36] Unknown:
Now remember, Costello, I'm gonna call you Junior, and you're supposed to be a schoolboy. I am a schoolboy, Abbot. For twenty years, I've been going to school studying reading, writing, and arithmetic, and my mother is proud to say that I am the only schoolboy that can't read, can't write, and can't count. Why is she proud? No other mother can make that statement. Uh-oh. Now there's miss Pidger now. Remember remember, Costelli, you're our son, Junior. Now you answer the door, and and missus Abbott and I will go into the kitchen.
[00:20:05] Unknown:
Good evening, little boy. Hi, miss Pigeon.
[00:20:08] Unknown:
Hello, miss Pigeon? I'm Junior. Pull up a clothesline and shut down. Spread your feathers. Oh, no.
[00:20:23] Unknown:
What a quaintest fellow. Just love little boys like you. I wish I had 14 little boys, and I wish they were all just like you.
[00:20:33] Unknown:
You want 14 little boys just like me? Yeah. Let me smell your breath.
[00:20:40] Unknown:
Oh, my. How cute. Now tell me, little man, where are your father and mother? They're out in the kitchen passing the time.
[00:20:49] Unknown:
Passing the time? They're throwing the clock at each other.
[00:20:55] Unknown:
You mean
[00:20:56] Unknown:
they fight? You should've had a mess today. My mother was trying to stuff something in the incinerator, and she had a awful struggle, but she couldn't do it. But why didn't your father help her? He's what she was trying to stuff in her incinerator.
[00:21:12] Unknown:
Well, quite a kid,
[00:21:15] Unknown:
And mister Abbott told me that they were such a happily, gnarly couple. Oh, but tell me, little man, Is that missus Abbott? I I mean, your mother's picture over there in the mantle?
[00:21:26] Unknown:
Uh-huh. That's her.
[00:21:28] Unknown:
My. That's a lovely, up sweet hairdo.
[00:21:31] Unknown:
My father gave her that.
[00:21:34] Unknown:
Now how could your father give her an up sweet hairdo? He hid him over the head with a broom. Very interesting. Tell me, is mister Rabbit I mean your father good to your mother?
[00:21:47] Unknown:
Oh, sure. He's always buying her presents. Only this morning, he bought my mom a beautiful present, a nice new carving knife. Oh, does your mother know he bought her the carving knife? Oh, no. She don't even know he's gonna cut her throat.
[00:22:04] Unknown:
Oh, thank you, young man. You've saved me a thousand dollars. Goodbye.
[00:22:09] Unknown:
Well, come on. Well, what happened? What happened? Wait. Wait. Where's miss Pigeon Pigeon? Pigeon Pigeon just flew the coop coop. Costello, didn't you tell her that we were a very happy family? I couldn't have it. I told her the truth. Costello, why do you do these things? Every time I have a chance to swindle somebody out of money, you always gum up the works. Why? Why do you continually do these things to me?
[00:22:39] Unknown:
Boy?
